RIP Mom ~ PART 1

I found out that my estranged mother passed away the Friday before last... I wrote about it on my Facebook page. There were no tears left to cry for her and no grieving left to grieve for her… there was just the emptiness of the hole in my soul that has been there for as long as I can remember, in the shape of a mother who should have loved me. No way to say goodbye to her...

This picture that I saw on Facebook on Saturday, 30th October brought peace to me. It is so beautiful, so peaceful and so lovely. I see it, not as my mother, but my own inner child looking over towards the horizon of my childhood dreams, beyond this world, to a place of hope and peace and love.

​This photograph taken by renown South African artist, Marina Blight, soothed my inner child for which I am very grateful. ❤
 
I wrote the following poem on 15th May, 2018

​Friday, 29th October, 2021 – I posted the following on Facebook
When I checked into FB on Wednesday, after a few days’ absence, I found a message sent on Monday:
 
"Hi, I am sorry to message you out of the blue. I am trying to trace the daughters of Judith ..." (I've omitted my mother's surname to protect her name.)
 
I responded, only to find out that mom had died quite suddenly in a hospital in England, of covid complications and/or heart attack on the Friday morning before.
 
The only connection my sister and I had left with our mom, was the one we knew was someday going to come... the day we received "THE CALL" to be told that she had died.
 
I always wondered what that call would be like and how I'd respond emotionally. I imagined a cold delivery of the news from someone who believed the stories our mother had told them about us. I dreaded that call because I already dreaded a caller filled with my mother's hate for us.
 
But, instead, I received the call from a beautiful young cousin I had never met before. Mandy's delivery of the news was so gentle, so kind and so filled with love... nothing like what I'd dreaded for so long.
 
At first, I felt some shock at the news... numb... but it never progressed from there... there were no tears... I was able to carry on with my day... subdued... sitting quietly... empty of the usual expected emotions when one hears that their mother had passed away. I was surprised at my own reaction to the news.
 
I waited for my (twin-for-a-month, sister Shev (Sharon)), to wake up on the other side of the world to share the news with her. Her reaction was practically exactly the same as mine... We WhatsApped to each other:
 
Pan to Shev: "My peace was almost instant relief. She's in Heaven now... I never have to worry about her again... I was overcome with PURE JOY... Prayed and asked God to please let all our ancestors surround her with LOVE... such joy in knowing that she would KNOW TRUE LOVE & TRUE PEACE at last and could never lie about us again. The only sadness I feel, is for what never was... nothing else."
 
Shev to Pan: "I'm glad you feel such relief. I guess I grieved when she disowned us. My sadness is purely for what she missed out on"
 
Pan to Shev: "Thanks for sharing Shev... we did all our grieving goodbyes a long time ago... there's no grieving left to do anymore... except for what never was... I will never know my mother's love..."
 
Our mom disowned us both after an organised confrontation she attended when I was going through intensive therapy in 2006 for the lifetime of abuses I'd suffered. I was given a voice at last to tell her of the many struggles and the pain she had caused in my life over all the years. I did it without hate or anger... just quietly read what I'd prepared... too scared to look at her, or anger her yet again, so I was so gentle in exercising my voice. She admitted to everything I'd shared with her, except one thing which would have embarrassed her too much to admit to. It was all done calmly... I was asked to leave the room while two therapists debriefed my mom to help her cope with what she had to face that day. So much healing came to me from having been given a voice at last... but as a result of that confrontation, she disowned both my sister and I from that moment on.  I was still in therapy, so I had help with my loss, but my little sister Shev went into a very deep and long depression as a result...
 
You can’t, lie about, or deny, or reject our love anymore mom. There was nothing you could do to stop our love for you and that's why our inner-child anguish has been so searing and never ending! You can't hurt us anymore now that you are gone.
 
RIP, UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN IN HEAVEN DEAR MOM - IN THE TRUE UNITING OF TRUE LOVE BETWEEN YOU MOTHER, AND YOUR CHILDREN AT LAST - AS IT ALWAYS SHOULD HAVE BEEN
 
On the day of hearing of the death of our mother, we gained a truly loving cousin we'd never met yet... there was so much love shared between us that day.    
 
Mandy, we are so grateful to you for letting us know our mom had died... even after her friend insisted that you shouldn't and we didn't deserve to know. We are so grateful to you. Our LOVE for you is FOREVER... I love you so much already  I can't wait to meet you next year ❤

I cannot tell you how grateful I was, just to know our mother had people in her life... friends who cared about her... even if they ended up disliking my sister and I as a result.  I am just so grateful to find out that she was not alone in the last years of her life.  I'm sending out a BIG THANK YOU & LOTS OF LOVE to each and every one who was there for our mother ❤
 
WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN A DAY FILLED WITH SORROW AND ANGUISH, TURNED INTO A DAY FILLED WITH LOVE ❤
 
Heaven watched over my sister and I as always... We were NEVER-EVER abandoned, no matter what we went through in life... God was there... He was ALWAYS there... ❤
 
Yesterday I spent the day sitting quietly with my dad ❤ It was something I felt I needed to do for the sake of my own heart... My brother-in-law and I agree that he doesn't need to know... why should he receive news of his first wife's death when he already mourned the loss of his beloved 2nd wife. It's totally unnecessary and will just cause him pain.
 
At 90 years of age, I believe he should be surrounded only by PEACE and LOVE ❤
 
A special miracle of love, acceptance and approval from our mother
Something incredible happened the moment I finished releasing the above account to my Facebook page were I so often feel surrounded by the love of mostly strangers who have come into my life there over the years… my Facebook family who I love dearly ❤
 
As I’d finished writing, I stood up feeling so much lighter… relieved… as I always feel after getting everything off of my chest, and making sense of it through writing and recording it safely outside of myself. 
 
As I stood up, I felt a surge of joyous relief come over me and began to sing out loud all the words of the song: “Cabbages and Kings”.  I’d only walked about three steps when I suddenly stopped… shocked at the realisation of what had just happened.  Where did that song suddenly come from?  I hadn’t heard it in a long time… I was so amazed, because this sort of thing happens to me all the time!  I shouted out, “I can’t believe it!”, because I really couldn’t at that moment in time.  I woke my son up in so doing!  I felt totally overcome with excitement at what had just happened!
 
After I told my sister about it on WhatsApp, she sent me this link as her way of affirming me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_84qYc-Jmes
 
Singing that song took me back many years to a time when my sister and I were children.  We wanted so much to make our mother happy and for her to love us, so we cooked up a plan we were sure would work.  She absolutely loved reading a certain column in our local newspaper every time it came out.  The column was entitled: “Cabbages and Kings!” She’d always be going on about what she read there each time.
 
My sister and I decided to go to the actual place where the newspaper was written.  I don’t remember how we worked out where to find it.  It had to be close to home, I’m sure, as we weren’t brave girls at all. 
 
I only remember walking through a large room… people were working at their desks.  We asked to go to the Cabbages and Kings man, so someone directed us to him and when we got to him, we let him know what we’d come for.  We asked him if he could please help us to find our mother a man for Christmas, so she wouldn’t be lonely for the holidays!  He must have laughed… I don’t remember much more of that day, but our mother related later, that she was at work, holding her copy of the newspaper in her hands, waiting for a spare moment to read her favourite column.  Next minute she was called to the phone… a man, offering to take her out for Christmas.  She said she was so confused and call after call, she told the hopeful men, that she had other plans for Christmas.  She said that she nearly fainted as she sat at her desk, opened her newspaper to her “Cabbages and Kings” column, to try and work out what on earth was going on, according to what the men had been telling her, and lo and behold, there was the write-up about the two little girls who had made the plea for their mother to have a man for Christmas so that she wouldn’t have to be alone. 
 
That was obviously a very special moment in time for our mother... it made her laugh and brought her joy, and it must have meant so much to her that we did that for her…

I do believe that she sent me that song, immediately after I’d finished writing on Facebook this morning, because she wanted me to know, that it was ok… she approved… and that at last, she understood it all… she remembered her two daughters and our love for her at last… maybe for the very first time, she now knows, how to love us back ❤
 
I believe that once we get to Heaven, we can no longer deny any truths, especially not truths connected to UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
 
Rest In Peace dear Mom… Rest in Peace and know now you are loved and have always been loved.  Your daughters never forgot or forsook you as you forgot and forsook us ❤
 
Thank you for sharing with me.  Please watch out for RIP Mom ~ Part 2 which I will post as soon as I have time again.
 
~ Panayiota