Scratching old wounds ~ Setting boundaries authentically

15 July 2019

From Graham
Hi Panayiota
Here is my view of your dream. I thought I would put it to you first and we could possibly look at a discussion around my interpretation.
 
In your first dream, I felt that the faun was you. The baby was looking for acceptance and love, but, your fear and assumption of the wrath of the “Mother” pushed you away from her. Also, it seems that you got to a point where you were protecting your children from an assumed nemesis (you couldn’t see her with your eyes closed) and instead of facing your fear and informing the “Mother” that the faun needed love / fun / light, you allowed your fear (based on your unfortunate past experiences) to dominate.
 
I do understand how difficult it is to break the bonds created by experienced hardship and suffering, yet to be triumphant, you need to face the “Mother” and tell her the reality as you see it and give her love as well. The door is an escape hatch - and it is not being opened because you need to grab your fear and pain and pour love and light into the situation. In the words of the scripture you need to “smite them hip and thigh”.
 
In as much as you said in the preamble that the dreams come and are remembered when you are ready for them.
 
One of the things I read about many years ago is that it is your dream. You are in control. I know it’s easier said than done, but maybe in a fear situation, manifest someone to support you and help you view the dreamscape through alternate eyes.
 
Hope this helps a bit
Graham
 
Panayiota
Good morning Graham,  
 
I'm going to go through your letter below now in blue within your text, so hopefully I can respond with gratitude now for your time in sharing with me.  Thank you so much.  
 
I often avoid facing letters like yours, because I am basically on my own now and find it the ONLY safe place for me, because I do not trust anyone to tell me how to be anymore, not after what my therapist did, but I am graciously in the moment trusting you right now as a true and caring friend, but if you pushed it, we might not be friends anymore, because I find it very hard to hold onto trust these days, and I'm in that place of "you love me for who I am... EXACTLY AS I AM... do not try to change me... Love me or leave me!" and that stands for loved ones, close family... EVERYBODY!  So, I do realise that it's a very dangerous place to be, but that's where I am after ONE MORE ENORMOUS HURT AND LOSS TOO MUCH! What my therapist did will be forever unforgivable to me, because it was, THE LAST STRAW! So, basically, I will not accept anymore therapising from anyone, because TRUST IS SHATTERED IN THIS WORLD... I DO NOT BELONG HERE... I TRUST ONLY MY GOD IN HEAVEN... I AM HERE STILL, ONLY TO FINISH MY LIFE TASK AND PASS ON WHAT I HAVE TO GIVE FROM THE "ME AS I AM TODAY", TO HELP OTHERS IN MY OWN UNIQUE WAY AND IN THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW AND WITH MY TRUE LOVE AND A WILL TO SHARE.  >>>
 
Graham’s letter with my responses in blue
Hi Panayiota
 
Here is my view of your dream. I thought I would put it to you first and we could possibly look at a discussion around my interpretation.
 
In your first dream, I felt that the faun was you. The baby was looking for acceptance and love, but, your fear and assumption of the wrath of the “Mother” pushed you away from her. Also, 

Absolutely... I identified with the foal as  my inner-child Patty who is the little me... the victim me... the part that learned that love could not ever really be trusted, and that loving myself was not even allowed, because we had to love our mother more... she made herself our god and if she was happy, we had to be happy... if she was sad, we had to be sad with her, etc.... long story, but we were not allowed to have our own identity or feelings... we were forced to be totally enmeshed with hers and we did what was expected of us immediately and precisely... it was do or die!) 

it seems that you got to a point where you were protecting your children from an assumed nemesis (you couldn’t see her with your eyes closed) and instead of facing your fear and informing the “Mother” that the faun needed love / fun / light, you allowed your fear (based on your unfortunate past experiences) to dominate. 

YIP... she still has her ALMIGHTY-godly-superpowers over me!  Even did a confrontation with her in therapy which was a HUGE and positive turning point in my life... but yet, she still RULES... I cannot shake her ALL POWERFUL and overly CONTROLLING, DOMINATING scripts in my life
 
I do understand how difficult it is to break the bonds created by experienced hardship and suffering, yet to be triumphant, you need to face the “Mother” and tell her the reality as you see it and give her love as well. 

Done the facing her... and even at the place of loving and understanding her for her choices and mourning the fact that SHE WILL NOT allow us to love her back (SHE DISOWNED US! CUT US OFF!), but I will never condone the choices she made as a parent... only God has the power to forgive her for that and it is NOT MY TASK and should not be expected.  Expecting me to forgive her is the same as telling my abused inner child, just after she's been beaten half to death by her mother, to tell her she's forgiven.  NOPE... that's not going to happen, because there's NO HEALING FOR THE INNER-CHILD IN THAT... that's why I stand by the words... "CHRISTIANS KILL THEIR OWN WOUNDED", because there's no understanding of the reality of trauma and what religious fanaticism is forcing on those who are trying to heal.  I know you never mentioned forgiveness, but that's where your comment took me to... because my therapist nearly succeeded in killing me with her relentless religious pushing and condemning me to the burning hell fires if I did not convert to her religion.  And she got away with it... nobody believed my side of the story... the people who stood by  her and believed her only added to my anguish… “standby abusers”… people I would NEVER have expected to turn on me in favour of her… She was so clever... I was the "SICK client"... and she was the ALL-POWERFUL therapist... MOTHER WON YET AGAIN!!!  MOTHER BEAT ME ONCE MORE! 

But even without forgiving what she has done, I could and DO still love her on a different level, and genuinely mourn not being able to nurture her in her old age (my sister mourns her also)... I could show her how it was meant to be so that she leaves this world without doubt about what TRUE AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE should have been like for her children.  I reached out to love her on Mother's Day 2013... it was her final rejection... SHE WILL NOT ALLOW HER CHILDREN TO LOVE HER... so, she is gone now and I no longer have a way to reach her, because she's made herself unreachable!  END OF STORY!  The door is an escape hatch - and it is not being opened because you need to grab your fear and pain and pour love and light into the situation. In the words of the scripture you need to “smite them hip and thigh”.  Love is how I've always worked and chosen to handle every single situation... NOT HATE OR BITTERNESS... but when someone does not understand how hard we tried as her children and how many times she rejected our love... they provoke anger and bitterness in me, because they remind me that SHE WOULD NOT HAVE US... SHE WOULD NOT ACCEPT OUR LOVE... IT WAS HER IN ALL "HER BITTERNESS" THAT HATED US!
 
In as much as you said in the preamble that the dreams come and are remembered when you are ready for them.  

YES... but the current dream is only provoked by current situations to help me to see how the past still affects the NOW and how to face things NOW with more perspective and less hurt which has risen from connecting the NOW with the past that was triggered.  Knowing how the past still affects my present, I am able to choose different ways of perceiving and reacting, deal with the real emotions that are triggered, etc.  So, it's like putting all the puzzle pieces into their right positions and context.  What happened in my past is always going to affect me... but what I do with it NOW is what's important and that's why the dream interpretation is helpful NOW to deal with NOW!
 
One of the things I read about many years ago is that it is your dream. You are in control. I know it’s easier said than done, but maybe in a fear situation, manifest someone to support you and help you view the dreamscape through alternate eyes. 

Logotherapy Dream Interpretation works so well for me... it has helped me make sense of many difficulties and even make sense of myself.  For now it is all I need to gain the perspective and guidance I need and has even changed my life, as with the dream I had in 2010 I think it was... doing a dream interpretation on that one, which I now present on, changed the direction of my life completely and brought not only healing to me, but also to certain members of my family who that dream involved.  LDI is an extremely powerful technique that has helped many of my clients also.  Sometimes, others and my clients see some aspect of the dream that I never saw, and that's helpful also in the LDI context, but in the end, only the client themselves will know the true meaning of their dream.  I can only guide them to find their own answers.  I am grateful for finding my own answers to my dreams... they are enough to shift my direction and attitude and bring meaning that helps me through my difficult times. I will continue on my journey of researching my own life, behaviours, etc. with a Logotherapy perspective and guidance, and appreciate the articles and ideas that you share, that help me to make more informed choices and decisions about my life to aid in my personal healing journey.  I only take from life and from all my learning, what I feel will be helpful for my journey, and I share what I can in the hopes of helping others with either their own journeys, or to understand me, or people like myself a whole lot  better. I was silenced all my life, and I refuse to  be silenced anymore... my blog is my LOUDEST SHOUT to the world now, and I PRAY THAT MY MESSAGE WILL BE HEARD AND WILL MAKE AT LEAST SOME DIFFERENCE FOR GOOD AND HEALING IN THIS WORLD.
 
Hope this helps a bit
Graham
 
Thanks Graham, for being there and for all you share and your time and support on the two FB pages I try to keep up with and my blog.  I am very grateful to you.  I'd ask please that you don't get too caught up in trying to FIX me, because that could create loss... and I would love for you to stick around for a bit longer because you have already made a difference in the short time I've known you. So... can I use this conversation on my blog, but without names if you prefer... I need people to understand better where I'm coming from. Have a very blessed day.
 
Graham
Hi my friend
 
Sorry I scratched on some old wounds … that was not my intention. Also – I am not trying to “fix” you – it is just part of me that I reach out to people who have a perceived need.
 
Please feel free to post the conversation – no anonymity required (LOL)
 
Hope you have an amazing day.
 
G
 
Panayiota
I thought as much, and I believe you are genuine and can be trusted.  I just needed to make sure that you understood my boundaries because I did not want to lose what you have been giving, which has become very important to me... I wouldn't even want to lose the letter you sent… but, I felt I needed to write to you just to be sure you understood, so that nothing could go wrong.  I would not want you to be different... I just wanted to know that you knew and understand, and apparently you do... thank you for that reassurance!
 
(A humbling response)
Graham
 
😎 No worries – Friends can tell friends when they are crossing boundaries. Be happy my friend
 
Have a magic day
 
G

 
19 July 2019
Setting boundaries with someone else
 
Church member
Missed you at church😘
 
(I didn’t mind that message and appreciated it.  What I don’t appreciate, is arriving at church after weeks of being away and someone tells me they missed me, yet I haven’t heard from them in all that time… Good grief!)
 
Panayiota
Good morning, what a lovely surprise to hear from you. I hope you and your family have a wonderful week ahead 💖
 
(I thought I owed her an explanation [or excuse], even though I realised later that I didn’t at all… it was just my people pleasing side kicking in at the time… I continued.)
 
I've just been through my busiest time of the year (students workshops time and marking their portfolios and new registrations all at the same time), It happens again between October and December where I just don't cope well with all the work... NO me-time... rush-rush-rush... exhausting trying to cope with the garden and housework included (so it’s not all about my office work, it’s everything included). There's only so much I can cope with. Without me-time and creative/experiential time I start to lose it. Socializing goes out the back door... without real connection I lose it also, but getting there and the extra stress involved is very hard for me... agoraphobia worse than ever... TOO MUCH TO DO... NO TIME TO REST... everything, including making time to shower and eat and pluck my chin becomes a burden, because it takes from my TRYING DESPERATELY TO CATCH UP TIME.
 
I NEED TIME to finish my book.  
 
Can't find time...
 
TOTALLY FRUSTRATED AND OFTEN FEEL LIKE I'M DROWNING.
 
I therefore do what I can as and when I can and try hard to remember to BREATHE in-between 🙏✨
 
(NOTE: The stress, increased responsibility and expectations of me, etc., creates a counterproductive situation… I dissociate more… seem to work in slow motion… go around in circles… become extremely tired… can’t concentrate as easily… fighting to stay with the work… So in a nutshell, it’s not the works fault… it’s how I handle the stress during stressful times… someone else who doesn’t have the same struggles as mine, might cope very well and have loads of me-time as a result)
 
Church Member
I have been away for a few weeks. Was back at church yesterday. Nobody missed me while I was gone, so I sent a "miss you" whatsap to everybody that missed church.
 
Panayiota
Hopefully next year will be better as our Logotherapy institute is going fully online. That should hopefully take some of the workload stress off me. Until then, things might even get worse, because there might be a lot more expected of me as part of all the changes and work needed to prepare for going online.
 
I need to get my presentations onto video as they will be used for the online courses next year. Do you know anyone who does that without charging too much? (me speaking and slides interjected)
 
My oldest son will be investigating how to do it with some program on the internet, so that is an option we are looking at for now.
 
And, yes, very few even notice we're not there, so I appreciate that you did notice I wasn’t. I hope I will be able to be more aware to also look out for missing people in future. It's beautiful... thank you 💖
 
Right now, there is still some (past threat involved) in the changes when the other congregation moved in with us... I felt safe with our original members, so I haven't been able to re-establish that sense of safety again yet. It will take me a while to get to know and trust the new people. One, I feel for sure has always judged me and doesn't like me... so it can just take that one to shatter my sense of safety in the crowd. I'm not good with crowds in the first place...
 
Church member
I am so sorry that you experience so much stress, but I am sure you still find joy amidst the "madness". But I think the Logotherapy gets you up every day and helps you keep going.
 
(she sent a list of techno savvy church members who might be able to help me with videos)
 
Panayiota
I often wish I was married to a LOVING man who didn't want me to work, so I could have more me-time. I long for time to paint and sew and be creative again and would love to do my genealogy, and so much more... ENJOY your me-time 💖✨
 
(And then IT came…)
 
Church member
Very early in my life I decided why I want to and need to go to Sacrament. I need those emblems and forgiveness from Our Heavenly Father. I don’t go for the people....Judging and criticizing will continue right until our Savior returns, because satan has power on this earth.
 
Panayiota
The madness actually keeps me alive... and the love and safe, welcoming and loving connection I feel in my Logotherapy world makes the madness worth every bit... 💕
 
I have religious trauma syndrome today as a result of a therapist pushing her religion and nearly completely destroying me in the process. My religious standing today is entirely personalized between my Father in Heaven and me. My friendships are based ONLY on unconditional LOVE and not on my religious values according to another person’s views on what's right and what's wrong! I do NOT discuss religion with anyone who uses it to judge or try teach me their ideas of it, or to change me into something they could like or accept more.
 
You are welcome to delete me or choose to love me unconditionally. 
 
There's no in-between for me anymore, because I know without doubt that my Father in Heaven loves me unconditionally and His LOVE is TRUE and ENOUGH.
 
Church member (A reassuring response)
Great testimony😍
 
Panayiota
😍

https://existentialtravels.wordpress.com/2018/06/30/music-and-resilience/
 
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967
 
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/complex-ptsd-versus-standard-ptsd/ 

Thanks for sharing with me

~ Panayiota