Shutting the doors

​My far-away sister commented on one of my recent blog posts
So glad that you are surrounded by people that help and encourage you. Being in a funk is nasty and yet, we have all been there. Thank you to those that have blessed my sister and raised her spirits. Also for the right timing in editing the logo therapy advanced course data. Isn’t it great when the Lord shows up and shows off His perfect timing?
 
I have added to my reply below
Thank you for your steadfast, loving care my sweet sister. Yes, it is wonderful how Heaven never fails us. I sometimes think that God allows us to reach rock-bottom, so that we will fully recognise His Hand that has been waiting patiently there for us to reach up to hold onto, so that He can lift us out of "The Funk"... I recognise His Hand in all the love and goodness that keeps coming to me, even at times when my sense of self-worth is so low, that I cannot even find the strength or courage to write, "I love you", on letters to the people I genuinely love, because I'm back in that place where I imagine that they can't believe in my love anymore and won't accept it... (like they are angry with me again... When mother was angry, which was all too often, if I dared to tell her I loved her, she would throw my love back into my face and shove it down my throat, suffocating me with my own love for her) so there is so much conflicting-anxiety surrounding my genuine need to continue finishing off my letters with "I love you", as I normally would… but it’s like a part of me refuses to let me do so!  And, when I receive a letter telling me I’m special, or I’ve done well, I receive it without emotion… in a numb way, because with Patricia so close to the surface, how can she believe what they are saying to her.  When mother had just beaten her to a pulp, or stepfather had just raped her, those words, of “I love you… you’re special to me… you make me happy… etc.” were totally meaningless to Patricia… in fact, they seemed to cut even deeper than the beatings and rapes… She was treated as worthless then… so I find it hard to receive such compliments now, when I’m back in that place of feeling Patricia’s worthlessness again.
 
Having lost my special connection with one of my most trusted friends just recently, over Patricia’s negative reaction to someone else’s insulting and embarrassing me with their boundary crossing, I feel that my fight for any further healing is at last over.  I have made up my mind to distance myself from getting to close to anyone ever again.  It is over for me.  All that is left, is to get my book done… to carry on at work, for as long as they will have me, and to always try to do my best there.  Sometimes I wonder if I’m of any value there at all anymore… are they just 'carrying me', because they feel sorry for me?  So many unanswered questions crashing around inside of me right now.
 
I have to continue to give my genuine love where I can and where it is needed and wanted… but not to rely on love returning to me anymore… I cannot go there anymore… TRUE, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE awaits me in HEAVEN.  That is something I KNOW without a shadow of doubt.  I have felt Heaven’s LOVE so many times throughout my life… it is the one LOVE that will never fail me or leave me… it is the only LOVE that will ever accept me for exactly who I am, on all levels of my personality, because it is the One LOVE that already LOVES each part of me.   I just need to be patient until that beautiful day, where I can at last meet TRUE LOVE THERE. 
 
The worst pain of all, is the one attached to guilt and shame… where, even if you were not wrong when the trouble all started, your reaction created even more problems and unbearable losses… and there’s nothing you can do to make it all go back to the way it was before… you want to say sorry… you literally want to beg for forgiveness… you also want to know what exactly it was that you did to cause the losses to be so final, loss you never imagined possible… just so you can understand how it could have happened… so that maybe, you can find a way to never do the same thing again… or to mend it… but you know, that if you open your (Patricia’s) mouth again, you could lose even more… so you settle for what you have as it has become now… a new way of being that is better than the NOTHING that it could have been… but there’s no avoiding the intense pain of loss has to be attached to it… and in which, only time can dull the aching.
 
I never want to feel this again… NEVER… so I have to STOP now… stay down… stay quiet… stay away… stay invisible… it’s the only way to avoid ever feeling this pain again and the only way to stop any further losses.
 
If only child-abusers realised how much damage they do to the entire life of their victims... there is no more… “victory over suffering” … left to me… my options have come to an end.  I just don’t have the strength anymore to fight my past STILL… it’s over…
 
22 August 2020
Yesterday morning I never wrote to my friends on Facebook (not sharing this there either, because I don’t want to upset my friends there with my negative shares).  Yesterday I woke so heavy-hearted that I could hardly function for most of the morning... it was the most daunting-deadness… if only I could have cried, but nothing… I had to force myself to eat and get ready for the day… I felt like a machine, just going through the motions… I had been taking 1/4 sleeping pill all week to sleep, and I think it is not good for me to take too often, even though it’s such a low dose, it still hit’s me hard!  Once a week is usually my maximum!  But I can't function without sleep, so I had no option… my mind is still in self-destructive chaos mode!  I tried without the sleeping pill last night, because it’s Saturday today, so I am not expected to do my office work, so I took a chance, but, lay awake until almost midnight before falling asleep and woke just before 4am!  I'm in trouble!!!  Sadness won't leave me and numbness... like I'm stranded alone in that scorching wilderness place again and I’m resigned to my fate there.
 
I’m imagining what “THEY” are saying… “She deserves to suffer!  Maybe she will learn a lesson from this” … while they are all talking to each other and agreeing on THEIR findings… NOBODY is hearing me… because nobody is listening… and, because once again, my voice has been silenced.  If I try to speak, I KNOW I will lose even more… I dare not speak… Patricia has to be silenced… EVEN BY ME… I cannot let things get any worse than they are already.  I cannot allow it!  I’d rather settle for what is left, than lose even more!  (WOW!  Seeing my past once again, flashing before my eyes… nothing ever changes!).
 
One thing I realise all too clearly now, is that Patricia is always going to be a part of who I am… and she will always react to what happened to her in the past, if something similar triggers her today!  And worse even than that, is that due to her reacting, SHE WILL ALWAYS LOSE… HER VOICE AND REACTIONS WILL ALWAYS RESULT IN EXACTLY WHAT SHE EXPERIENCED IN THE PAST… PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS REACT TO HER OUTBURSTS, EXACTLY AS HER ABUSERS DID… and so… there are only two options left to me… DIE… or, live without ever again, seeking the UNCONDITIONAL LOVE… and IMMOVABLE FRIENDSHIPS she has cried out for all of her life.  There will always be the rare and the beautiful… but one thing I’ve had to learn the hard way already, is that even the rare and the beautiful leave in the end.    
 
THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO TRUST OR BELIEVE IN… NOTHING IS EVER GOING TO CHANGE… THERE IS NO REALITY FOR ME IN THIS WORLD… I DO NOT BELONG HERE… NEVER HAVE AND NEVER WILL… IT IS WHAT IT IS.
 
So, what now… maybe it’s time to cut myself off from the pain… NOT DEATH… NO… NOT YET!  I have to finish my book and I have so many other longings on my TO DO list!  But living in this arid place is a kind of death of its own… I feel numb here… I can’t sleep here… and the intense and prolonged sadness and anxiety is eating away at my soul… I cannot bear it here… but I’ve been here so often in my life, why should it be any different now… maybe… THIS IS WHERE I BELONG!  Maybe I just need to face the facts… I CANNOT EXIST ANYWHERE WITH PATRICIA BEING A PART OF WHO I AM… IT’S OVER!  This is where I belong… it’s the only place left that makes any sense at all… it is what it is.
 
I’m so glad I’m going to visit my daughter and son-in-law this weekend… it’s still a place where I feel safe and accepted for exactly who I am… and I am so looking forward to spending time with their two dogs also.  It will be, only the 5th time I’ve left my house since mid-March this year.  I know it will be good for my soul to spend some time there… just what I need for today… if I can stay awake long enough… I’m already so tired from lack of sleep last night! 
 
I have a big reading/editing job to do at work, but must write (unload) first, or I won’t be able to concentrate on my reading work. 
 
I’m shutting the doors to close-connections now. It’s the only way I’m going to survive the rest of my time in this world.  Never again will I ever let anyone get that close or give that much trust away again… NEVER! (Except my children and grandchildren… and a very rare few)

​Thank you for spending some time with me again… I really do appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my posts with non-judgmental love and care.  Especially those of you who try to understand.  I am truly grateful to you!
 
~ Panayiota