​Still negotiating life and trying to make sense of it all while trying also to fathom me...

~ Posted 5th March 2018 ~ Just journaling…
 
Thursday, 22nd February
As mentioned before, I went to have my eyes tested on the 22nd February and on the same day, an exhausting but interesting visit to the Traffic Department where a naughty bird pooped on me in the icy-windy waiting tunnel!
 
Friday, 23rd February ~ A sleepover with my three far away grandchildren.
Not yet recovered from the day before, (such outings usually wipe me out for a good day or two)… my oldest son called to ask if I’d take the children for the weekend.  I’m not one to easily part with my “catch-up” time, but this was my three far away grandchildren he was asking me to spend time with… no chance I’d say no to that wonderful opportunity!  Of course, it scared me… I’ve never had any of my grandchildren stay over, and these three I have never really gotten to know as well as the other three, because I don’t see them as often as I’d love to. 
 
Would I be able to cope?  What would I do with them? How would I entertain them?  What would I feed them?  I was totally out of money being one of the most financially draining months we’ve had in a long time… but… I said yes!
 
My son arrived with the children in the evening and dropped them off.  It was so lovely to see him again and to feel his love blessing my heart once more.  The children are so huggable and truly good children.  What a pleasure to take care of, but still, the anxiety of caring for three children I’ve never had stay over before in my little home was pretty stressful. 
 
I honestly believe that the inner child, “Patty” part of my self, struggles when there are children around.  There is definitely a flashback of messed up emotions and fears from my past that happens. 
 
When I was a small child, I had to also become a “little mommy” … not only taking care of my own mother whenever she fell down fitting, or returned weak and needing nurturing care from the hospital, but also a little mommy to my own younger sister.  I think that not always being able to protect my little sister from harm and hearing her, being beaten and her wailing cries, affected me a lot when I was little.  I became a fierce protector (internally) and took much of the punishments for her, but failed so often in keeping her safe, because we were almost the same age, with only 11months between us.  For this reason, I believe that being around small children today, in a position of responsibility, is extremely stressful for me.  I am used to my other three nearby grandchildren coming to me for aftercare three times a week now… we have a set routine that I have become comfortable with, so, that doesn’t stress me out so much anymore… unless they are tired and cranky… then I don’t do so well anymore.
 
I find it hard to stay in my adult personality when the responsibility becomes too big and I find myself not coping too well.  Sadly, because of this struggle I have, I would not allow my children or the neighbours children to get angry or to fight with each other… I think I did them a huge disservice, because they could not learn how to deal with conflict as a result.  I just hope and pray that it does not affect their adulthood too negatively. 
 
When my three far away grandchildren arrived, all I had on the stove was literally, boiled chicken bone and cabbage soup.  My daughter had invited my son and I to lunch the weekend before, and she asked me to cut the two chickens into portions for her convection cooker.  I cut the chickens in such a way that the ribcages were left behind.  She didn’t want those so gave it to me in a bag with the wings and added the cleaned growing stem ends of the zucchinis she was going to throw away.  I told her that I’d be happy to take them, because when boiled in a soup, they taste just fine and are perfectly edible.  There is so much good food that we throw away, just because we never learned to eat it.  Desperate times call for desperate measures, and my son and I have learned to eat all sorts of things that most people would otherwise discard.  One day I might expand on this subject in another blog post.
 
Anyway, I had thrown the bones, wings and zucchini bits into a pot, added some herbs and spices and a chopped-up cabbage and boiled that.  When my three far away grandchildren walked in, they went on about the delicious smell, so I offered them some and they gobbled it up as if it was the best feast ever!  What a pleasure.  I’d made enough to store some in the freezer for another day, so there was more than enough for us all.  I was really surprised at how they enjoyed that soup… not in the least bit fussy.
 
The children were amazing… I found, that because I was already stressing internally, it was hard to relax myself with all the jumping around and constant voices… and with the cartoon noises on the television in the background.  Too much constant background noise gave me a sense of panic, but eventually they all went to sleep, my son arrived home from work and I was able to go to sleep at last.
 
Saturday, 24th February ~ Struggling day
I only slept about 6 hours that night, and Saturday was a struggling day for me.  I’d put a message on our family WhatsApp group page the day before, hoping for some rescue… somewhere other than my cramped little house to take the children to.  Without money at the time and my youngest son working that weekend, I couldn’t think about anything much beyond my walls… feeling too insecure about venturing out with the three children on my own.  They were amazing though… they absolutely LOVE colouring and I had enough colouring books and crayons to keep them happy for ages. 
 
When I went to bath in the morning, my oldest granddaughter let me know that she would wash our morning dishes.  I nearly fainted.  What 11-year-old offers to wash dishes without any prompting… I was delighted and felt so proud of her and how lovely she is growing up. 
 
The stress of the visit to the eye specialist and the shock of how much that cost and the worry of having had to borrow the money and how to pay it back… and added to that, the stress of the traffic department… out of my comfort zone for a day… and the grandchildren surprise… too much excitement and I ended up completely overwhelmed by it all…
 
So, on this day, I ended up with an awful migraine the whole day long.  I did my best to keep it from the children, but I was finished.  I felt so ill all day, also with that horrible fine trembling feeling throughout my body… I call it a vibration feeling, and also that it feels as though my body has been poisoned.  I hurt all over… even a light touch on my skin hurt.  I tested my blood sugar which I do rarely these days… it was normal, so all I could think was that perhaps, the stress of the last few days had triggered another acid/alkaline imbalance and it was once again, the stress-gout threatening.  I was right… by the afternoon, I was aching more all over, but especially in my shoulders and left foot.  I took a Colchicine tablet (for gout) immediately and repeated them twice to averted another full-on acute gout attack.
 
Part of the day, I escaped into writing the blog post, “A Bird Pooped on Me” while my grandchildren played, coloured and watched the television in the lounge.
 
My daughter and middle son responded to my plea for something to do with the children.  My middle son apologised for not being able to help, which was understandable, because he was writing and examination that day and needed to study, but my daughter, who was moving into her new home invited the children and I to come help her… if that isn’t the sweetest thing, I just don’t know what is.  Who in their right mind would invite children over when they are moving… but my daughter did… she showed her genuine love for them and her understanding also for our situation and we all had a lovely time together while my son in law washed the carpets of their new home with a carpet cleaner that they had borrowed from my kind sister in law.
 
My oldest granddaughter and I were able to help my daughter unpack boxes into cupboards, while the younger two children lay on a blanket outside on the beautiful green lawn in the shade and coloured in… colouring in seems to be their thing and my grandson occasionally got lost in playing with the little cars he brought with him… bless them all.
 
That night, I took ¼ of a sleeping pill, knowing that if I didn’t sleep, I would more than likely be in a worse state the next day than I had been already, and I could not allow that.
 
Sunday, 25th February
I did sleep well thankfully and felt better when I woke… slightly washed out, but at least I was functioning, so I took the children to church with me for an hour, for something different to do with them.  They were as good as gold there and I felt so happy to show them off to my friends.  When we arrived home, my oldest son did an EFT into my account, saying that it was for me to pay off some of what I’d borrowed for my glasses and also, to spoil the children with.  That was so kind of them and such a wonderful surprise.  As the children had only eaten some of the frozen loaf of bread I had in my freezer, some outdated biscuits, eggs and the chicken bone and cabbage soup since they arrived, I did indeed take them out for a treat and it made me so happy that I could. 
 
My son and daughter in law arrived around lunchtime and after a lovely chat and some photos, they left.
 
Suddenly… my house was so quiet and still again… it felt surreal… part of me felt really disconnected… I went straight to my computer… to work.  The only thing that helps me to keep-it-together at times like that.
 
My Greek Mother’s Love Day
As I sat at the computer… feeling distant, I glanced over at my calendar and noticed that it was my beloved Greek (step) mom’s Love Day… the day she passed away in 2014.  Well, that was the end of me… between the children leaving, and suddenly really missing them and my Greek mother, it was the last straw… I almost instantly went into the deepest depression and spent the rest of the afternoon crying and crying, yet still working through the tears… grasping at a connection with something other than my internal pain.
 
My beloved Greek mother who I will never forget and will always be grateful for and love with all my heart… she was the only person who ever consistently called me by my own real name, Panayiota, and she believed in me when nobody else in the world did... she always made me feel completely welcome… belonging… and she helped me to believe in myself, my life and in living.  I don’t know where I’d be today if it wasn’t for this great woman and the exemplary example she was for my life. Thank you ma… I will always, always love you.

I cannot look at my Greek mother's eyes without tears welling in my own.  They say that one's eyes are the windows to their soul... and in her case, I know that this is true... I see and feel so much love when I look into her eyes in this photo.
 
Wednesday, 28th February
I received a WhatsApp message from a closest friend… all it showed was a picture of her dear husband asleep in a hospital bed with tubes and wires all over… with the text, “Sleeping peacefully!”
 
I don’t know why, but the shock of seeing my dear old friend, obviously very ill in hospital was too much for me.  In that moment, I didn’t know if I was being told that he had passed away.  My youngest son was sitting in the office with me when I received the message and was witness to the shock I experienced just then… I burst into tears and my heart ached for my friends. 
 
I replied to the message with, “Oh no, what happened?  Are you alright”, and when my friend responded, she reassured me that they were fine and I realised that I’d received the message incorrectly in my mind and that her dear husband was in fact, sleeping peacefully. 
 
But unfortunately, the initial shock messed with my head and for the rest of that day, I was struck by the most awful “doom and gloom” anxiety as I call it.  It’s such a terrible feeling… I liken it to the “Chicken Licken” story, where Chicken Licken panicked, because he was so sure that the sky was going to fall down.  I cannot even explain how horrible that anxiety feels… it’s the kind of anxiety I could easily choose to escape from… the kind that alcohol or drugs would relieve.  Of course, I would not turn to alcohol or drugs, but I do understand completely how some people do, so I knew that I just had to stay with my work until I could get myself through it.
 
My friend has been keeping me updated since, and thankfully, her dear husband is recovering from his surgery well with his indomitable spirt and his great sense of humour leading the way to his healing.
 
Thank you for sharing with me today… I still have more catching up to do here and hope to finish the catching up really soon. 
 
~ Panayiota Ryall

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