Successful or Forever a Failure… that is the question?

Started writing:  5 March 2020
 
I’ve been on another planet just lately.  Work has been very quiet, which is wonderful on one hand, because I can get so much other stuff done that has been waiting to be done FOREVER! (THERE’S SOOOOO MUCH TO DO!), but it is also not entirely good for my psyche to be out of contact with the world.  I need regular meaningful connection to help me to stay balanced… no doubt about it!  Thank goodness for Facebook… but it seems that I still need more connection to be able to keep going strong.
 
https://upliftconnect.com/opposite-addiction-connection/
 
“A will to meaning is a will to connect with a significant other.  Man was not born to be alone” ~ Teria Shantall
 
After passing the first module of my doula course so well on Saturday 22 February, I got stuck into my 2nd module as soon as I possibly could and finally handed that in on Saturday 29th. On Sunday 1st March, Mona, my doula course director called me just before bed time, to tell me she’d started reading my work and was so impressed she felt I should receive a triple A for it… 
 
Up till then, I’d been sitting on my nerves with my usual self-defeating self-sabotaging lack of confidence thing happening… wondering if I did okay… did I write too much… maybe I didn’t answer correctly if I misunderstood the questions. So, you can just imagine how happy I was to hear her beautiful reassuring and affirming words just before I went to sleep last night.  The night before I hardly slept at all probably because I was worried about failing and also, super excited about having managed to complete the assignment and send it in for marking (further making an important dream come true for myself).  
 
I ended up feeling very wiped out all day Sunday due to the lack of sleep, but Sunday night I slept so well.  All day Monday I waited on my nerves yet again to hear word of my result, and all day I found myself back in that awful place again… that place of… maybe when she started reading the night before last, she was impressed, but maybe she’s found all sorts of problems since. 
 
Apparently, I’m not very good at waiting to hear if I did okay or not… almost as if I’m expecting to be told I’m a failure… just as I was told so many times when I was a child and most of my life.  I so want to do well, but still fear doing badly, even though I know, I worked hard enough to at least scrape through if nothing else. 
 
This study has given me so much meaning right now, I just want to know for sure that I passed so that I can get to the next module.  Loads of suspense-anxiety and I can’t think straight.  I don’t expect Mona to hurry with the marking, not at all, but Oh man, the waiting is hard on me.
 
If only I could believe in myself more!  It’s been torture waiting.  It’s now Thursday and I’m still waiting… my fault!  I wrote so much in answering the questions.  When I’m really passionate about something, I tend to write too much (anyone who actually takes the time to read my blog posts must  know that by now), and I’m VERY passionate about this course and about old folk, and the question was on old folk and terminal illness and all, so I think I got totally carried away. 
 
Oh dear!
 
It’s now 14h21 Thursday 5th March 2020… I will wait until I receive my marks before posting this. 
 
Right now, I’m going to do the opposite of what the voices of my past abusers in my mind are telling me… so, before my marks arrive, let me just say, (because I know how hard I worked on my module 2 assignment) … I DID WELL! 
 
Now, I need to exercise patience… my marked work will be here soon and I can do something else while I wait… I have more than enough to do in the meantime. (only problem, the suspense is draining me of having the energy or motivation to do anything else… such a muddle!!!)
 
8 March 2020 late pm ~ At last my marked work has arrived … YAY!
 
9 March I wrote on Facebook
I finally got my 2nd module Sacred Dying Doula marks yesterday after cracking with the patience thing and inquiring about it in the morning because the suspense was literally killing me 😁 and my window of study-time opportunity could close soon and then I just won't have time anymore to do module 3, so I just had to ask.
 
I got 90%... YAY! ☺️🌸 Mona called me last night and said that she would have given me 100%, but she picked up that I'm far too soft 😇 I completely concur with her on that one (I also wrote to much and needed to “just answer the questions”, without going too off track in the process with 100 other things I wanted to say).
 
So, although, I KNOW that I'd do pretty well with the dying patient, the question is, could I handle their relatives and all those other dynamics... (like if the dying person didn't want someone to visit them after years of being rejected by them, would I be assertive in standing up for them and their deathbed wishing-rights?  Would I be too assertive, considering my own past?).  
 
I would most definitely NOT UNDER EVEN THE WORST OF CIRCUMSTANCES want my mother to come to my bedside if I was dying. I wouldn't even want her to know I was dying after all the rejection, pain and trauma she's caused me over all the years of my life.  I don't hate her... not at all... but I'd hate very much for her to be at my deathbed or to be sending her manipulating sad and sorry letters as if she suddenly loved me when I was dying!  NO WAYS!  I don't even want her name mentioned anywhere near me when I'm dying! IT WILL BE TOO LATE FOR HER TO SUDDENLY REMEMBER HER DAUGHTER THEN!
 
Anyway... I think what Mona is getting at, is that I still struggle with "Save the world syndrome" as I call it, (I’m still a people-pleaser!) and I'd probably end up burning myself out if I tried to do everything (Too much)… THE STORY OF MY LIFE!
 
So, she suggested that before I get my certificate after passing my 3rd module, if I do... I would have to attend a SACRED DYING DOULA BOOT CAMP... oh dear... I have some exciting times ahead... scary too!
 
I enjoyed reading all Mona's comments on my 2nd module assignment today and learning a whole lot more from doing so. 
 
I wrote to Mona
Your comments have indeed been very helpful and eye-opening dear Mona,
 
Especially as I have only ever seen myself right there next to my dying patient and with them in every way in those LAST days and moments.  I've never really seen myself coming in long before they are on their last-moments deathbed.  So, you have been able to set that right for me in many ways as to what would be expected of me as a sacred dying doula.
 
I honestly saw myself there every minute of the day (and night) ... I didn't catch on that I'd be coming in occasionally once or twice a week only to check up and speak to my client and then to check with the family that things are running smoothly, etc. for and on behalf of the client.  (that I’d possibly be doing this for more than one client at a time).
 
It is actually a relief! 
 
My mind has been very focused on my past experiences (with the dying).  So, this better clarity has definitely helped a lot right now, thank you! 
 
I look forward to discussing it further with you, to further clarify exactly what it is that is expected of a sacred dying doula time wise, etc..  Also... to discuss with you what I've had in mind for all of this up until now… (because my current job is usually very busy and very important to me)... which I now think is certainly not as much as you had in mind for me once I qualified... but what you have just said has made my idea on your thoughts a possibility that I can maybe somehow achieve... very interesting.  Now I do need to know more and look forward to our brunch sometime this week! 
 
Agoraphobia struggles and lack of confidence in my abilities and possibilities showing up as I continue my letter to Mona – When I think that people have BIG expectations of me, I crumble… so afraid of letting them down by becoming “mother’s useless idiot” yet again! And so, what do I do… I become “mother’s useless idiot!!!”
 
IT’S A PROTECTIVE SPACE TO STAY DOWN AND STUCK THERE… I HAVE TO KEEP FIGHTING MY WAY BACK FROM MY PAST! THE ABUSERS OF MY PAST CAN’T KEEP HAVING THEIR WAY OVER ME!!!  I CANNOT ALLOW THEM TO KEEP ME TRAPPED AS A LESSER VERSION OF THE POTENTIAL ME THAT I AM SURE EXISTS AND IS A POSSIBILITY STILL IF I COULD ONLY REACH THAT PLACE I WAS BORN TO REACH... WHEREVER AND WHATEVER THAT PLACE IS!
 
Any doula work, I'm imagining, would need to be close to home in my own city... EEK!  I hope I haven’t bitten off more than I can chew.  Please don't expect too much from me, because I don't know what I would be capable of yet and what the real possibilities would be for me to do this...   

I think Mona does have bigger expectations of me than I do for myself and that scares me. I just planned to go sit with dying patients and LOVE THEM TO DEATH! But it seems that there’s a whole lot more that would be expected of me.
 
I might be scared of taking on anything more, but I’m now also intrigued. 
 
What if Mona and her Sacred Dying BOOT CAMP could get more out of me than I can on my own?  What if I have more to give that I didn’t even realise still existed in me?
 
WHAT IF? 
 
At this time, I don’t charge for doing logotherapy or logotherapy dream interpretations with people… I ask donations only and that very rarely happens.  My donation details are on my therapy gmail page pattyskeys@gmail.com … I think to myself, it’s because I’ve convinced myself that I am far too grateful for being able to do this in the first place… but WHAT IF?  What if I reach that place where I can value my own worth enough, that I can ask people to contribute to my work? 
 
WHAT IF? 
 
Mona wrote in an e-mail today
 
“You are such an amazing soul and have the potential to be such a compassionate Doula.”
 
 
Thanks for sharing this post with me
 
~ Panayiota