THE GIRL CALLED “LOVE”

Strange how things work out, and how Life sends messages of hope, reassurance love and strength just when I need it most. 
 
Yesterday, a hint from a dear friend, of doubting something I had done, shook me to the core and sent me straight back into the depths of the doldrums again.  Oh, my goodness me… It happens so easily and so quick… and the cloudy, drizzly, cold weather didn’t help one bit.  I was in tears all morning… OH WOE IS ME! 
 
Feelings of I DON’T BELONG… NOBODY REALLY LOVES ME… eating worms…!!!
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKQmcfTJ1GA
 
Suicidal thoughts once again filled my mind… visualizing what I’d do… visualizing what I’d write…  maybe a WhatsApp to say goodbye to my loved ones and reassure them that it’s not their fault and that I love them.  But I know…
 
FORCING A SEPARATION FROM A LOVED ONE IS NOT LOVE! – even though it feels very much like, I will be doing them a favour… taking myself (a burden) away from them… setting them free of me!   
 
Of course, I know I won’t do it… I’m sure I won’t… but the urge is so strong!  To self-injure also… but thankfully, I didn’t go there… I don’t think I will ever do that again either. 
 
Too many responsibilities… too much to do still… it all feels burdensome right now… finding the ENERGISING VOOMA of meaning in my life seems to be lacking greatly, because since the computer crash, making a comeback just seems to be TOO HARD… and I still have feelings of BEING JUDGED as a failure and idiot because of it… I’m struggling to get past that… it can take one small thing, like a friend’s hint at doubting me (accusing, judging), to set it all off again…
 
POWERFUL SCRIPT MESSAGES FROM MY PAST… I will never amount to anything… I’m useless… good for nothing… nobody could possibly love me…
 
Our crashing financial situation is also not helping… I feel very insecure when that happens and that sets off a downward spiral of its own… yet, we have never starved… the miracles always come… I HAVE TO KEEP REMINDING MYSELF OF THAT!!!  Keep my faith…
 
My beloved sister should be visiting soon… but even that is stressing me out.  It shouldn’t be… I should be rejoicing in her visit, but my stress at this time, financial struggle and being unable to have her at my house during her stay (my house is just too small)… would be unable to give her decent meals, etc.  I’m finding that very distressing to the point of finding no joy right now… like I’m blocking the hope of joy, because I’m not able to visualize it through all of my current struggle…
 
My sister wrote early yesterday morning and asked how I was… we have always been very open and honest with each other so I responded…
 
“...Updating is not a good idea… not in a good place anymore… very little left… but still moving forward… I can’t even feel excited about you coming, because I can’t imagine that I will have enough time or strength left to enjoy our time together… it’s that bad… so it’s actually hurting to imagine you coming and not being able to be fully there for and with you…
 
I hold onto the thought of us together in Israel next year, but I won’t have a cent to take with or to spend on or for the holiday or food or anything… so even that thought has to be pushed back… I feel there is nothing to really hold onto right now… the computer crash has messed with my head… finances have also crashed completely…”
 
And without her even knowing how miserable I really was yesterday, she wrote this morning…
 
“Hi Panny,
 
So good to hear from you, I love you and am so sorry to hear of your plight. You do need to find a will to meaning again. Don't give up ever.  I can't wait to be with you again and also to see Teria (our mentor). A very special lady…    
 
…Well dear sister. Not long and we will be together for a visit. I am excited.

Love you longtime, blessings and peace.
Shev (my sister’s nickname since school days)”
 
There is just something so uplifting in her words… my hope feels renewed… everything is going to be ok.  Her LOVE, I need never doubt.  I feel I can become excited too now for her visit… how could I not.  I love her so much.
 
Yesterday, while I was in the doldrums, I decided to reach out to someone else who I knew was also in the doldrums after a big family breakdown… you’d think that’s when I should avoid more misery, but I knew that this friend needed a friend to talk to and in the process of being there for her, I would surely help myself… and it worked… I did feel better afterwards… my problems didn’t seem so overwhelming anymore.  Of course, I did not share my problems with her... it was all about her when I connected with her.
 
That’s one thing Logotherapy has taught me… a valuable life-lesson… and that’s not to just sit and wallow all alone and forlorn in the depths of my doldrums, but to take action to lift myself out of that place and as quickly as possible… TAKING ACTION WORKS… it is worth the effort needed to cause change in a situation, mood, etc.… in my case… to change my emotional low to find a reason to rise from it… to transcend it… to take control of  my own downcast  mood… not allow it to consume me… to take charge over it… I DID IT AND IT WORKED and hopefully my friend was helped also in the process!
 
Then in the evening, I spoke to someone who identified greatly with my abuse-story… it came up when she saw a collage hanging on my wall that I’d once made… I will share the story around that collage with you all sometime… I hope I haven’t already.  She wanted to know about it and that’s why my story of abuse came up… she admitted that she too, suffers regularly with deep doldrums-states such as mine… I think we are to become good friends… what a blessing came into my day, even as a result of my doldrums-state which I was able to discuss freely with this person… which created a deep sharing moment which might ultimately also bring greater healing for us both.  I sensed a deep and pure love in this woman that has grown as a result of her past sufferings… it was beautiful to be around someone so REAL and lovely… kindred spirits.  I feel the same sense of pure and genuine love when I spend time with my dear neighbor friend who has just been declared cancer free after her treatments for cancer.
 
I dread getting too close to people… because if things go wrong once I’ve allowed love and trust in, that’s always extremely painful for me… but I’m giving myself permission these days… taking my chances… I’ve learned that I need to allow LOVE in, to accept what I can of love while it is being given… to TRUST more… because I NEED LOVE for my own survival needs… and I NEED TO BE ABLE TO LOVE also…
 
I FIND MY TRUE SENSE OF FREEDOM IN BEING LOVED AND BEING ABLE TO LOVE…
 
When I was a senior in a boarding school called, Jameson High School, in Gatooma, Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe), a junior friend wrote this for me.  I have always kept it, and hope to meet with my young friend again some day!  I wish now, that somehow, I could go back and ask her, what made her write this poem for me… did she really write it on her own, and other such questions.  I don’t remember her well, but I have always loved her poem to me, and felt the love and respect for me that came with it.  You know… along life’s path, it is often the ones who loved you and believed in you, who you will remember most for their goodness when you grow up.  This young girl’s name was Beverly, and I remember this much… that she had beautiful thick dark brown hair… All I have is her name, and her poem with the message she shared, and yet, I will always think of her as one of my very special friends, and I will always long to know where she is, and how she is doing.  I wonder if she writes poetry still, and if she is married, basically, she is a complete stranger, but in my heart, she is a dear friend, because she took the time to tell me that she cared, in the beautiful words of her poem to me.  Thank you Beverly my friend!
 
THE GIRL CALLED “LOVE” 
Panayiota, you must always keep this poem and remember me by it. 
I wrote it for you.  Thanks for being so moosh (kind) to me.
 
The sweetest sound that can be heard,
Comes from the glen where the Gypsies were.
They now are gone, all but one;
She who has the gift of love.
 
This gift is strong in many ways,
Her voice, her face, her hair cascades.
And when she sings, both gentle and strong,
The birds all join her beautiful song.
 
This girl too lovely for any man,
Belongs with nature, hand in hand.
Wherever she runs so wild and free,
She sings this song enchantingly:
 
“A fraction of love that I own,
Cannot enter man’s heart of stone,
I am an animal, grass, a tree,
Any of these, love can be.
 
Love is a bird, flying high,
Love is a glistening tear in an eye.
Love is there wherever you be,
And shall be there for eternity. 
 
All my love with you, forever, Bev.
 
 
Thank you for sharing with me…
 
~ Panayiota