The Miracle of Poppy’s Blue Butterfly

The day after Mrs. Poppy Peanut went to her Heavenly sleep, I wrote on Facebook
 
Wednesday, August 28 at 19h29
Chatting to a friend on WhatsApp just now I wrote: "My life is a lonely one lived through my computer… Mrs. Poppy Peanut was a constant presence here in my home… she was my unconditional love and dear friend… I miss her terribly already. But Life has kept me unusually crazy busy today, so I’ve not had a chance to grieve her passing… I’ve had to keep going with my office work, no matter what… I would have preferred to curl up in my bed and cry all day long, but Life knows best and I follow… like I have no option… tearful and exhausted…"
 
Threatening news – a dark cloud developed over all that we’re already facing
My youngest son’s job is threatened, because they are not making enough money where he is working, so I’ve been trying to find his certificates and work experience records all day also and I just can’t find them anywhere… the boss wants certificates, updated CV and all by Friday… He sent a form with questions on it… one asking if he is prepared to take a lower salary… we never responded to that… how on earth are we supposed to work with less?
 
I also need to help my sister’s helper’s daughter, Violet, with her school project. She doesn’t have a computer and needs some research done… EEEK… I’ve not found time to do a thing yet to help her, so still at the computer (late pm) and hoping to get some of that done before I switch off… too much stress right now. 
 
I also have a dream interpretation waiting to be done for a dear friend… I don’t have the time or energy to face it… I have to get into “the zone” to do those… I’m struggling too much to reach that place… I’m letting her down… it’s adding to my unhappiness…
 
I’m needing BIG TIME prayers please.
 
I even feel like I have a little chest infection developing... slightly itchy, burning bronchi... but so far today, it’s not getting any worse thankfully.
 
❤ Thanks to you all for all the love... you truly have helped me through a very tough time yet again ❤
 
Some of my Facebook friends’ responses:
 
Brie: I'm putting you on Mt. Timpanogos temple prayer roll as well as we'll pray every day for you Auntie. Sending love and hugs! ❤❤❤
 
Izaak: Oh Panny, so sorry about Mrs Poppy Peanut. As a fellow dog lover and someone who lost their little fur baby as well a few months back, I know the hurt you are experiencing with her loss. Then you have all these other issues to contend with. May Mrs. Poppy Peanut fly forever free, wagging her little tail on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge! May the love and beautiful memories she gave you whilst sharing her Earth experience with you, comfort you at this time. Sending you love and big hugs!
 
Izaak added:

I responded to Izaak: I know it's true dearest friend... I will see her and all my other pets and friends and family again someday. The receptionist at the Vet’s gave me a whole lot of stuff like this to read to help me through the grieving, but I have not had the courage to look at it... I did read this one though and of course... blubbing again! If anyone understands this pain, I know for sure you do. I love you so much.
 
I know for sure that Poppy must be so happy to be with her other friends again, Woody and Mr. Dudley Peanut... When I stop to imagine her JOY and being free of her pains and sufferings, my own pain lifts a little and I am left with the hope and belief that I will see her and them all again someday
 
Thursday, 29 August at 09h02
Last night I just felt so unsettled... totally alone in this house for two nights since Poppy left us, (nobody’s shoulder to lean on during my time of grief) while my youngest son has been house/dog sitting for my second son and family. Strangely I was not afraid to be so alone... I was just so cut off that it was as if I just didn't even care... but still couldn't get to bed early... like... I had nobody to tuck in or say goodnight to! HUMPH!
 
The big space next to my bed was eerily empty where Poppy used to be at night, on her big pillow wrapped up in her blanket … I felt perplexed and uncomfortable without her there.  At night when I used to wake up for the bathroom, I’d always check on her to see that she was covered and warm… I can’t do that anymore… there’s NOTHING there… just a big empty space in my room and a hole in my soul in the shape of my Poppy…
 
Took 1/4 sleeping pill again and finally fell asleep around 23h30... woke at around 06h30, so I got enough sleep! No usual sounds here to wake me up... nobody to feel responsible for... not even me!
 
Still so sad and crying on and off, so I invited a helper and Shem to come work here today, because I knew I needed company and distraction from my own emotions to get past this...
 
When the helper arrived, I was a bucket of tears... just so relieved to see someone... but she basically told me to get over myself and get on with life... and so I did! 
 
My tears can only be shared with those who would understand the depth of them.  My mother used to beat us and beat us and beat us, whilst screaming abuses at us, until we STOPPED crying… (“You want something to cry about!  I’ll give you something to cry about!” BANG! BANG! BANG!) We learned to shut off our crying voices… to cry on the inside only!  Tears would still overflow, but if you didn’t see the tears, you wouldn’t know we were still crying… we even learned how to hold our SOBS! … to hold our breathing!
 
The helper managed to trigger that side of me… the beaten Patty side of me.  In an instant, all the outward crying was sucked down that dark porthole of the past, back into the suffocating captivity of my mother’s abuse… INSTANTLY… no more crying… dissociating into that safe place to satisfy mother… just to stop her beating me! 
 
I let her win again!
 
The helper wasn't being nasty... she was being nurturing in her own way, so it's okay.  I knew she was just doing her best from her (? hardened) perspective on life and grieving, etc. 
 
I literally shut  my tears off instantly and stood in front of the fish tank staring blankly at the fish… she came up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder… “Look at your fish” she said, “You still have those and your garden outside”… Of course, she was right about that.  I love my garden especially.
 
BUT I ALSO NEEDED TO GRIEVE!
 
Shem should come soon, and my youngest son also, because my daughter in law is back from her business trip now, so I should get through today okay and will have my youngest son here tonight to say goodnight to... things should get better now…
 
Sharing with my Facebook friends, I continued…
In tears, I just took Mrs. Poppy Peanut's bowl, mattress and all her left-over tinned food and crunkles to the dustbin raider, Winston, for his Alsatian dog, Seuntjie (little boy, in Afrikaans). Man I love that dog; he and Winston are both so gentle natured... Winston looks like a little bushman. Seuntjie accompanies him on his dustbin raiding days and he's such a chilled out, friendly dog... of course, he ran up to me for his usual loving petting and I burst into tears, thinking that he would not see Poppy again on their Thursday visits to our street. I think she enjoyed the encounter, although she'd never have admitted it if she could speak!
 
Thank you to all my dear friends, who I feel safe and comfortable enough to share my tears freely with... thank you for not giving up on me when I do... I love you all so much 💖
 
I once wrote:
 
The Bin-Raider
© All rights reserved
 
Yes!
I dig through your garbage
So I can survive
To keep my family and I alive.
I dig through ‘your’ rubbish
To find ‘our’ treasures
I dig through your gunk
To make use of your junk.
I do what I must
Cos my bank is bust
There are holes in my pockets
And air in my wallet.
Jobs are scarce
I do not have skills
There’s no money to pay
Our monthly bills.
So I fill up my trolley
With what you throw away
That my family and I live
To see a new day.
 
~ Panayiota
(05 December 2013)
 
Hermè: I know I am not the only friend of yours who has cried with you in the past and who has cried over Mrs. Poppy Peanut and your grieving for her now... We are here for you.
I am touched by the story of Winston and Seuntjie, and the poem. I hate that people are homeless or out on the streets having to do this to survive, but it is heartwarming that these two souls are there for each other, helping each other through a difficult life. So often a dog makes all the difference. Hope your day will be blessed. Much love and big hugs
 
Panayiota: I love you dearest Hermè... I often feel guilty for dragging my friends into my sorrows... or for causing you tears too... sometimes I withdraw from FB for days when I feel that things are too negative to impose on you all anymore, than I have already... yet at the same time, I value your LOVE and your beautiful PRESENCE so much... That you would stay so close during times like this, even if it is hurting you too. There are some hurts that I just KNOW that I cannot bear alone, so I thank you with all my heart for bearing them with me... God bless you and my other dear and steadfast TRUE FRIENDS here always 💖 💖 💖
 
Mandy: Lots of love and hugs Panayiota 💖 Thank you for sharing Mrs. Poppy Peanut with us. Thank you for being real and relatable 💖 May angels attend you today X xxx
 
Debbie: I so love reading your posts, I am grateful Heavenly Father has allowed me to be part of your life
 
I found myself deep sighing a lot after Poppy went to her Heavenly sleep… as if my lungs were trying to remember how to breathe properly… that has happened before when I was moving home in 2012… for months I found myself deep sighing like that.  I researched it and found out that it has something to do with depression… can’t remember.  I do know that I breathe differently for days when I’m sad and depressed… I also found that I was experiencing heart palpitations (like a dull bubble-popping feeling in my chest) a lot for a few days after Poppy left me and I think that also has something to do with the poor breathing patterns that set in during sad times… maybe someone else has answers for me… I don’t have time to go research this now. 
 
I developed bronchitis also while Poppy was ill, and on the 29th, it was so bad, my tight, wheezing chest kept me awake!  It’s almost two weeks later now and although it’s getting better, my chest is still tight and I’m still having coughing spasms.  I hope it will heal soon.  My daughter brought me a humidifier to use and I bought myself some natural antibiotics… using Vicks also, etc.  Just doing my best to avoid doctors… but bronchitis makes me exhausted! 
 
I just want to sleep… I guess depression does that too!  During the day of the 29th, I also experienced a moment in time where the urge to hurt myself reared its ugly head again, but I kept myself busy… couldn’t concentrate on my work well… I felt very restless… I found myself doing a little work, then getting up and doing something else either in the house or in the garden… I had to keep dragging myself back to my work, because there was lots to do… I had to do it! 
 
Poppy and my daughter had the most beautiful and beloved relationship 

​“Mommy Poppy” staring adoringly at her human daughter.
 
On the day after Mrs. Poppy Peanut went to her Heavenly sleep, my daughter wrote on my Facebook page.
 
“I'm so proud of you for going with her. She must have felt so much love and safety with you there. I'm sure she is running around with Woody and Dudley now like a puppy again ❤️ I will miss her.”
 
Many years ago, when Mrs. Poppy Peanut and Mr. Dudley Peanut were learning about the birds and the bees, Poppy fell pregnant with two little puppies.  One a little short-haired brown girl named Bella who looked just like her daddy and went to live with a friend of ours, while the other was a beautiful long-haired dachshund with a mix of colours from both his mommy and daddy.  Chester Peanut was the most beautiful little dog ever, with so much character.

​Chester Peanut as a puppy and later when he grew up.  We loved him so much!
 
Heavily pregnant, Mrs. Poppy Peanut was sleeping in my daughters bed the night she went into labour.  My daughter woke up feeling wetness in her bed and reaised that Poppy was giving birth.  She lifted Poppy onto her bed on the floor, only to realise, she’d lifted at the same time, the little brand newborn puppy (Chester), still hanging from his chord.  My daughter called me and we were able to be together as Poppy sorted out Chester and then gave birth to Bella.  We believe that from that day, Poppy thought that my daughter was one of her puppies too… she had somehow imprinted on her during her birthing process in the bed. 
 
It was the most incredible thing to witness through all the years since, how much Poppy loved my daughter.  When they were together, Poppy would be all over her, nuzzling her and wanting to get as close as she possibly could.  We’d laugh at how much Poppy worked to “nurture” her relationship with my daughter… so much so, that I often said that she was my daughter’s, “other mother”… it was so beautiful to see how much she loved her… and of course, my daughter loved her very much also. 
 
I honoured and loved Poppy even more, for sharing the great love of my daughter with me, so there was that added sadness and sense of loss when she had to go… I knew that I’d miss her a lot more as a result. 
 
When we were forced to move home in 2012, we tried to find homes for all our dogs, because we did not have a new home yet to move into and believed that there was no way we could bring them with us to our new area.  It was the most agonizing time of my life… a seriously hard, lonely and traumatic journey!   
 
Sadly, our lovely Chester Peanut was the first to go, and on the last day in our old home, I’d still not found homes for our other three dogs… I was going to have to have them put down, but my second son phoned around quickly and by some Miracle, managed to find a wonderful kind family who said they’d take care of our dogs for us until we were settled and if possible, until we knew we would be able to have them back.  Tracy and Deryn and their family took care of them, for three  months… I will NEVER forget what they did for us, because we were finally able to find a home where our three remaining dogs were allowed to be with us and that on its own was truly a Miracle for which I will be forever grateful.

Woody and Mr. Dudley Peanut ~ The snuggle brothers!

Dear old Woody and Mr. Dudley Peanut relaxing on my youngest son’s lap.
 
I would like to end off Mrs. Poppy Peanut’s story with something beautiful that happened the day after she’d gone to her Heavenly Sleep…
 

The Miracle of the Blue Butterfly
 
28 August 2019 ~ The day after Mrs. Poppy Peanut went to her Heavenly sleep, my youngest son popped in for an hour or two around midday.  He had been housesitting for my 2nd son, and needed to go back, but decided to spend some time with me, because he knew I was hurting.
 
While he was here, I walked to the back door, about to open the security gate to go out into the garden, when I noticed the most beautiful big blue and black butterfly.  It looked just like the big yellow lime butterflies we see flying around our lemon tree every year, but instead of black with yellow markings, this one was black with beautiful blue markings on its wings… I’d never seen a blue one before, so I was fascinated by it as it danced around our lemon tree about three meters from where I was standing.
 
I called to my son… “Come quick!  Come see this beautiful butterfly!” … and he ran to the door. 
 
As he got to the door, something most unexpected and incredible happened… The butterfly turned towards us and flew right up to the security gate… danced in front of our faces for a few seconds as if it was trying to speak to us, then turned around and flew away over our garden wall… and that was the last we saw of it. 
 
Immediately, I said, without any doubt whatsoever, “Poppy’s alright.  She found a way to let us know she’s okay.” And my son agreed.  It was one of those magical, mystical, Miraculous moments in time that brought with it a beautiful sense of peace from the other side of the veil.
 
I wanted to know what kind of butterfly it was, so searched the internet and found a picture of one that I remembered it looked like.  I posted it on the Facebook bugs page that I love going through whenever I have time and asked for an ID on it.  But unfortunately, it was not one seen in South Africa… but someone did mention that it could be a Papilio nireus, the green-banded swallowtail… the one we saw was NOT green… we were certain it was blue, so I was very happy to see that it was probably more likely to be the narrow-banded blue swallowtail, or African blue-banded swallowtail butterfly, of the family Papilionidae which is found in Sub-Saharan Africa.  (For more information, see the link below.
 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Papilio_nireus?fbclid=IwAR16YNdLBpr9ldaoGtrDYLSBthQbrWNkjUSTun0hs9B5b6lOOq-Z4-dETAg

Narrow-banded blue swallowtail, or African blue-banded swallowtail butterfly
 
Feeling a longing for more nurturing love to help take away my intense pain over losing Mrs. Poppy Peanut, I mentioned on the page that my dog had died the day before and as a result, I received such a lovely response… but one hater put a laughing face as his response… and for some unearthly reason I can never explain… it did not bother me one little bit… I thought it would have, but it didn’t… so I was amazed about that.  It just felt like it was okay… his opinion could NOT take away my genuine feelings of love for my little dog who was no more… or my genuine tears of loss.
 
One woman commented… (I wish I could find the post so that I could add the exact words)… but she said something like:  “Go take a look at the meaning of seeing a blue butterfly.  You will be amazed”… and so I did.  See the link below and the fascinating and most comforting meaning I found on the page.
 
https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1EJFA_enZA794ZA795&ei=z_xnXfPrMoTnxgPmpp2wCw&q=definition+of+blue+butterflies&oq=definition+of+blue+butterflies&gs_l=psy-ab.3...65135.67474..70468...0.2..0.400.2450.2-8j0j1......0....1..gws-wiz.......0i71j0i7i30.BMGG4yMdvpw&ved=0ahUKEwizj-nKv6jkAhWEs3EKHWZTB7YQ4dUDCAo&uact=5
 
The blue butterfly is a symbol of Spirit speaking through transformation and change. In some cultures, spotting a blue butterfly is thought to bring sudden good luck. ... Spotting a blue butterfly means that a wish one makes or made will come true. A blue colored butterfly is often thought to symbolize joy and happiness.
 

• A blue butterfly is often considered as a sign of life.
• But in most cultures, the blue butterfly is a symbol of acceptance, honor, and great energy.
• A blue butterfly can also symbolize the passing of time, change, and meaningful purpose in life.
• Seeing a blue butterfly or holding it can have a calming effect on a person.
• In some part of the world, blue butterflies are rare, so it is considered extremely lucky to observe one.

 
I cannot begin to tell you how much the comforting visit of that beautiful blue butterfly was for me… so much so, that I am aching for a blue butterfly necklace or broach or bracelet with little blue butterflies on… or a blown glass blue butterfly.  I would love to have a blue butterfly for my daughter and for me… it feels somehow like that would be a most comforting connection to my little Poppy…
 
I will be searching everywhere for blue butterfly anything’s from now on… it feels like something I must have… Patricia… Patty… whoever… I feel that it is needed to fill the hole in my soul…
 
I told my little sister who lives in Canada, and she almost immediately WhatsApped me the picture of the blue butterfly that I used at the top of this post… She understands me so well and I feel her comforting, nurturing and caring love deeply at times like this.  If one of us ever has to go, I hope it will be me first, because I don’t think I could do this thing called life without her in this world…
 
I miss Mrs. Poppy Peanut so much… for a few days it was very painful adjusting to her not being here.  When I hung washing, I expected to see her walking around the garden to keep me company… when I went to sleep at night… she was supposed to be lying next to me on her little bed (we had recently bought her a brand new bed too)… when I sat in the lounge, she was supposed to be lying in my arms, etc.
 
Soon after Poppy left us, someone called to ask if I wanted a puppy… I couldn’t absorb that offer, because I was still mourning Poppy’s absence.  For me it’s like if someone’s husband died, calling them to say you’ve got a replacement husband for them… It made no sense to me!
 
Besides, I don’t want to ever go through this again… so no thank you… no more pets for me.  I will take care of my garden lizards… I love those and will make it my goal to get one to eat out of my hand.  They have a lot of character and respond when I call… I also have my fish… at least none of those pine for me when I go out… I don’t have to worry about leaving them at home alone… Poppy hated being alone and I hated leaving her alone… so no thank you… no more…
 
NO MORE… NO MORE PAIN!
 
Why is it that if a human relative or friend dies, people visit and support you at the funeral, etc… but just because Mrs. Poppy Peanut was a dog, there was so much less support… like what the helper basically implied… “just get over it!” 
 
I’m not going to just get over it!  And I’m so grateful for my select few wonderful, loving and understanding FB friends and my beautiful daughter and son in law who were physically there for me… my sisters also from a distance… Other than them and a few others who let me know that they really understood…
 
The long hours learning to be alone at home without Mrs. Poppy Peanut has been truly agonising!
 
Please like my posts even if they are not happy ones.  I want to know that I’m not alone here… that someone took the time to read my loooong posts (sorry about that), and cared enough to share this time with me, in memory of my sweet and loving Mrs. Poppy Peanut…

Thank you.
​
~ Panayiota