The Ups and Downs of my life ~ I will NEVER give up!

Wednesday 2nd February 2022 – Online banking problem… by the time I called my daughter and she had helped me to sort it all out I was in such a state that I had to take Rescue calming tablets! I wonder how I will ever manage when they one day leave the country also.  Who will I turn to for help then! 
 
Thursday 3rd – I found my car dead and was unable to go visit my dad and nephew.
 
Friday 4th – My littlest sister kindly came to help me kick-start it during the morning and I was able to visit my dear Nephew (visiting from Cyprus where he’s studying to become a doctor) and dad later in the day.  It was wonderful to see my nephew again.  I really do believe and trust in his love 100%.
 
Saturday 5th

• My daughter and son in law came to put up a cupboard I’d just bought, in my bedroom/office.  I desperately needed extra space so that I could reach things I don’t use because they are in boxes on top of each other.  Oh, how I love them.  I feel so loved and accepted and never judged badly by them too.
• They told me that my dear son in England had offered to pay for a new battery for my car, so they took my old one out to go buy a new one for me.  I am so blessed.
• A lovely student invited me to lunch and we had such a lovely time together.  She also bought with her a book gift… and anyone who knows me, knows how much I LOVE good books, even though I don’t get much time to read them!  I have so many on my bucket list which I am longing to buy one day and only imagine I will ever be able to read once I’m retired.  The book that the dear student bought me is called: “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle… from what I’ve been told by anyone I shared the title with, is that it’s a MUST READ!  She also bought me a bouquet of beautifully scented lavender and rose scented geranium and a box of incense which she suggested I use when reading the book.  I can’t stop smelling them all… so lovely… feels good for my soul. 

 
It's not easy for me to be invited out and treated by anyone… feels so foreign… I racked my brain to try and remember what conversations we had in the past… why was I important enough for her to invite me out.  Like I never felt worthy and that even made me feel uncomfortable… like I’m looking for possible reasons… I know… I’m so silly!  I enjoyed the outing so much… tried to imagine having a real friend like her… someone I could really trust and get close to without feeling threatened and that everything would fall to pieces eventually.  I wish I could have a normal life with normal relationships, but it’s impossible… it seems impossible… been there and done that and nothing ever worked before… not even my own mother loved me… all my most pivotal relationships eventually crumbled… there are pivotal ones (to me) today which I don’t fully trust… I feel their gossiping… I don’t feel welcomed in their homes… and that makes me feel so sad and detached… I am constantly reminded that I just ‘don’t feel I really belong’ anywhere. 
 
But this lovely friend-for-a-day gave me more than lunch and a book, etc.  She gave me a very special moment in time… one where I felt perfectly accepted, loved and cherished for who I am… a moment where I was even able to imagine the possibility of having such a friend… one who would never go away no matter what… Teria is such a friend… we don’t write to each other all the time or call or anything like that… but without doubt, I am totally convinced and in full trust that she of all people, will never go away.  Not many people in this world have ever been able to give me that kind of trust in a relationship… I can only think of one or two more for which I am so Eternally grateful. 

• When I went to bed this night, I could NOT fall asleep.  A part of my psyche had been disturbed.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe too much excitement in going out for lunch and being spoilt… it’s not like that happens every day!  I couldn’t wrap my head around it… just lay wide awake for ages and took Rescue to finally fall asleep.

 
Sunday 6th
It was my littlest sister’s 55th birthday today (it feels impossible that she could be 55… she’s my iddi-biddi sister… 55 just doesn’t fit with her at all.) I wanted to surprise her so woke early and put two chickens on and a whole lot of vegetables… I was going to do lunch for her and family.  But she sent a WhatsApp in response to my message to visit her on her birthday, before I had a chance to tell her about the lunch, that she would be away for the day.  I immediately felt sad and shut out… that’s how my mind works, for reasons only my mind can tell… I ended up giving part of the meal to my daughter and son-in-law, some for my son and I for supper and the rest I divided into little packets for quick meals for the month. 
 
Today, I found out that my youngest son had once again, not fully paid the two bills that are his responsibility each month.  He has NO excuse, but also has NO sense of domestic responsibility.  I cannot believe he’s done it again… the 2nd time now! He puts stuffing himself with sweets and food and data for playing games before adult expectations and responsibilities!  At work where he is supervised and stimulated all day long by people, customers and responsibilities there, he is doing so well… but when it comes to the home… he is most times, a complete disappointment to me!  When he does stuff like this, I feel totally beaten… it completely drains me of every ounce of energy and will to go on!  Yet… in the working world, he is such a huge success. 
 
My daughter and dear Logotherapist and maybe one other, are the only people who allow me to talk about him and unload my struggles with him… they believe me and do not JUDGE ME for HIS bad behaviours at home… and there are things I haven’t even told them… Oh if only I could!!!!  Sometimes I feel like I’m living with yet another emotional abuser!  We are such good friends at times when he at least tries, but on his days off it can get too much to see him slouching there in his chair playing games for hours on end, doing nothing to help in the home… nothing to better his life… nothing but stuffing himself and leaving the mess for me to clean up… I feel like his useless maid… and I have HAD ENOUGH!!!  I was married to two just like that before! 
 
It’s because I love him and I’ve worked so hard for him since he was born, that his bad and lazy behaviours hurt me so much now!  Next month we go into paying an extra +/- R1000 on the bills he didn’t get to pay properly this month, and that has left me feeling so insecure and angry inside.  I withdraw when I’m angry… when I ask him why he never paid them, he ignores me… walks away… and that makes me even angrier inside… like a pressure cooker ready to explode.  There’s no fighting on the outside… the anger festers inside and steals my joy for hours and days on end.
 
I tried to attend church via Zoom in the morning, but when I tried to reconnect after losing my connection whilst trying to get the headphones working, they did not let me back in again… I guess nobody was looking at their computer!  So again, I felt locked out and upset by that.  I managed to connect an hour later to the Sunday school portion, but only some voices could be heard, and in the end, I gave up.  (What’s the use?)
 
Somewhere during that time, my daughter and son in law came to put my new car battery in which they had bought the day before.  Then when they left, they took my dogs with them for a play date which always makes me so happy.  My dogs love to run and play with theirs. (Reminders of LOVE… givers of oxygen when the air I breathe feels really thin… they are life motivators and givers of strength) 
 
So, after what I could get of church, cooking for the nation am, packing the food and the apple slices I’d dried overnight, hung washing, picked more vegetables from the garden, watered the garden, and washed dishes, practically my whole day was gone and I was thoroughly exhausted.  Dusting the kettle, I sliced the tip of my one finger open on the metal spikes from the broken lid… it bled a lot and hurt!
 
Pm… my son video called from England… instant tears when I saw him and my grandchildren again.  I have worked out that I’m fine if they just phone call, but actually seeing them is just too much for this dear old mommy and yiayia heart of mine!  I’d cope better if they just do normal calls for now while I’m adjusting to their absence.  I was thrown straight into depression after their call… the kind that tries to drag me down into the deepest kind of sleep… the kind where I lose my ability to function. 
 
Thankfully my youngest son arrived home from work around then and we went together to pick up our dogs.  I still felt so disappointed in him for not paying the two bills which are his responsibility each month… but I didn’t have the energy to go there… (What’s the use?)
 
When we arrived home from picking up the dogs in the afternoon, I asked my youngest son to drop me off at the front gate so I could just run in quick to get something for him to drop off at a special friend a block away.  Firstly, I struggled for at least two very long minutes to open the little gate leading into our yard.  He sat there in the car… probably playing games because he was now close to home and connected to WiFi… and I felt myself getting really angry… I finally got into the yard… now to the front door… I could not open it due to it being so swollen with the recent rains.  For years since we moved in here, I’ve been asking for help with that darned door… the back one also!!!  One or two people have come to help, but it’s never been a permanent fix.  It gets so stuck that a number of times the handle has pulled clear off with all the pulling, and we’ve had to buy new to replace it!  Trying to push it open from the outside is impossible when it’s stuck… I have been in so much physical arthritis/gouty type pain since my 2nd son and family left for England that it’s no jokes… so trying to push the door open was THE LAST STRAW for me, and knowing that my son could hear me banging at it and really getting mad… yet he didn’t come to help… in the end I exploded… grabbed hold of my brand new mop sitting next to the door and started to bash the door violently with anger exploding out of me (a very rare thing)… if I have to think back on my past, I can only remember about 5 times that I ever got that angry… the mop stick broke into three pieces and flew all over in those few seconds that I lost my marbles… so now I don’t have a mop anymore too!!! 
 
I finally managed to get in, without his help… kept my cool after that… it was over… but I still can’t talk much to my son… he has not yet let me know what he spent all his money on this month and why he was not able to pay the two bills which is HIS responsibility every month!  I cannot live with that kind of uncertainty… I DON’T WANT TO LIVE WITH IT ANYMORE!!!  But I have no option… he’d eventually end up a hobo if he left home… I honestly believe that!  It’s taken a LOT of work to get him to where he is today… a functioning human being out in the working world… when all the special school professionals told us he’d never make it in the open labour market… the psychologist who took care of him said he needed to be placed in a workshop for the mentally disabled for the rest of his life!!!  I refused to listen to any of them and see how far my son has come today!  He has recently been promoted to a supervision position at work.  He even has a code 10 driving license! I would not give up on my child… but he’s a grown man now… why the hell should I be suffering still!!!  Will I ever get a break from such abuse and unhappiness in the home!
 
Right now, I feel the walls are up again… I DON’T want to be around people… I want to be left alone… my angry (hurting) personality (Patricia) is near the surface… the one who possesses the SILENCED SCREAM!!!  The one who has never been allowed to talk… it’s best to stay apart for now, because when she does talk, she pushes people away and alienates them to protect herself from more disappointment and harm… and THEY GO!  THEY ALWAYS GO!!!!

​What’s held me together over the last few days is the feeling of unconditional love I have received from my daughter and son in law, my 2nd son and family there, a student who took me to lunch, my Logotherapy world and my dogs… as well as good memories, such as the one below. 
 
I am constantly reminded that we are never ever completely abandoned to our struggles… Life takes care of us under any condition, if only we will always stay open to what is still good, beautiful, healing, right and true.  

A Facebook memory popped up this morning to remind me about all those transcendent moments that have happened in and for my life since Logotherapy found me in my 50’s… I’m now 65.  It’s memories like this that keep me going… that remind me that anything is possible if I just hold on and don’t give up… I WILL NEVER EVER GIVE UP!
 
A letter from my mentor and Logotherapy study supervisor, Teria Shantall, February 2013
Pan, I want you to think of coming with me to the Logotherapy World Congress this year. It runs from the 19th to the 23rd of June. I would love you to present a paper there (the one you presented to us in Israel last year). It will be to a select and smaller group when the plenary sessions are over and people go to various papers presented at the same time in different and smaller conference rooms. You can perhaps visit your sister and I can even meet her if she can come and visit us at the Congress which is held in Dallas in the beautiful Marriot Quorum hotel. You will have a room all to yourself.
 
I attended and presented at this conference and my sister sponsored my trip and spent the time there with me.  It was one of the most wonderful and growth promoting times of my life which I will never forget and will be forever grateful for. 
 
Thank you for sharing with me (please Like my posts so that I know that someone is with me here)
 
~ Panayiota