Conversation with a friend ~ Transcending Past Hurts

~ Posted 29 August 2017 ~ Shared with permission…
 
A client struggling with in-laws after having been very hurt in the past by their non-acceptance of her, especially during a very difficult time in her life, has found it difficult to move past that hurt now in the present, even though their relationship has shown gradual improvement over time.
 
She is easily annoyed by some of their comments which re-trigger her past hurts.  For instance, when they tell her that her baby looks just like their son and their side of the family, she feels further rejected by them, especially as her baby looks identical to her in her own baby photos.
 
I responded to her:
Try hard not to let it get to you... the other family also needs their connection... it's their need and you can choose to let them have it... just being humble and deciding it's ok... It's ok...
 
I do understand where your fears are coming from, but the question is... Is it true?
 
Friend:
I am very cool about it on the surface but it opens some kind of wound. I am still hurt about all that transpired around the time of my baby’s emergency operation.. she was only three months old and it hurt me a lot to see her suffering like that and I was so anxious for her.
 
I just can’t seem to fully let it go.
 
I pray about it daily and am much better but it hurts.  My baby has a little toy that she played with during that time.. A little bear with a string that she pulls to make a tune.  When I hear it, it makes me sad.  It was the hardest time of my life.
 
Panayiota:
Yes...that's where your truth lies, where the pain and lack of trust still lives in you... sometimes we're holding onto that pain still when everyone else has already forgotten and have moved on without us (the us that is still hurting).  So, while they're boasting that she looks like THEIRS, you're still feeling the pain and rejection of THEN.
 
Sometimes we just have to bear our inner sufferings and turmoil in silence for the sake of peace...
 
Friend:
Yes, and I do.  Just wish I had spoken it through with my mother in law at the time so it could have been resolved. So I don’t have to carry it…
 
For the most part I have moved on. We are in a better place. Just feels like so much is unspoken and misunderstood.
 
Panayiota:
For some reason, this reminds me of my computer crash in June... I hate the other computer... I'm glad it can’t be fixed... I don't want it in my house after all the struggle the crash caused and is still causing me. You might consider getting rid of the bear if it is triggering that pain in you and the memories of all that went so horribly wrong back then...
 
Friend:
Thanks.. I guess it’s more about my husband and I and how he treated me during that time and that his mom took his side and painted him as a doting dad and me as an ungrateful person and a controlling mother. It’s like no-one acknowledges or knows the truth.
 
I have to keep working at forgiveness. It’s hard.. My mom doesn't make it easier sometimes, because she knows what I went through and is upset about it, and so negative about my husband, because he broke her trust in a way. She treated him like her own son.. Did so much for him
 
I also feel and know that they favour my husband’s sister in law. She is such an amazing girl. I love her. Not a bad bone in her body. And hers and my husband’s brother relationship is just perfect. They also adore her family which is of their same nationality, different to mine.
 
Panayiota:
It's not all about forgiving or forgetting, it's more about moving past it and rising above it all…
 
An old reality will only last as long as you cling to it, keeping it alive.
 
You can create a new reality by bluffing almost...
 
Not bringing up the old reality over and over... by creating a new reality that draws everyone else into it... as opposed to pushing others away.
 
Attitudinal values very much come into this...
 
Remember, we teach people how to treat us...
 
If we keep reminding them of how they hurt us before, we keep them hooked into that miserable reality of ours...
 
So, our attitude in creating a new way of being and behaving is vital in changing the perceptions toward us of those around us.
 
It does mean that the original hurt may never find its’ resolution and answers, but at least we don't have to keep it on the surface where it keeps festering and infecting the very ones we wish could have understood us and loved us more during the time that they didn't. 
 
I believe that the pain you still feel now, is still for the unmet needs of then.  You are longing for reassurance and an affirmation of their love and acceptance for you, even now, which tells me something important… You want to be able to love them and have them love you the way it should be in any family relationship.  Your heart is still crying out for what should have been and what should be.
 
Keep in mind that they might also have learned important lessons then... they might actually be trying to do better now...
 
But pride always comes before the fall... Your pride and theirs...
 
Just as your psyche still demands them to make THAT time right for you, so their pride might want you to stop harping on it and move on so that they can also...
 
Right fighting is very destructive!
 
The pain you experienced had already worked its damage and still hurts and festers... But it cannot be healed by LIVING IT still as if in the past where it was first inflicted...
 
Probably none of those who hurt you are equipped to help you heal from that now... They certainly can't go back there to make it all right again for you...
 
What's done is done...and that horrible time and story is now forever stored in the granaries of your past...
 
Only you can find a way to put a plaster on that hurt now... ONLY YOU...
 
You will need to get rid of the notion that they MUST fix what they did to you... It's NOT going to happen...
 
For as long as you expect it, you will continue to hurt and so will your sense of peace and your relationships will continue to suffer greatly...
 
If you want to be happy, you will need to find a way to create the dynamic for happiness...
 
Painful I know...
 
Been there, done that!
 
Friend:
I like what you say about teaching people how to treat us. It's something I need to work on. I am often very conscious of hurting people, to the degree that I downplay myself to lift them up. So how I come across is not authentic to how I'm feeling.  Always apologising but without apologising. If that makes sense.  I need to assert myself without being fearful
 
Panayiota:
Your inner-child begs to be recognised and accepted for who she is, so triggers are bound to affect her still... That's why your adult self is the only one who can ever REALLY be there for her. You're doing good... You have indeed come a long way and the world is your oyster... You are the magnificent pearl of your own existence... Keep shining.  My world is a more beautiful and bearable place with you in it
 
We are NOT doormats and not meant to be and must avoid being... but we ARE gentle and kind and loving peace-makers, and that’s ok.
 
Friend:
Ah thank you.. Love you heaps.
 

Thank you for sharing with my client and I…
​
~ Panayiota