When I’m not invisible ~ Where I truly belong ♥

~ Posted 18 October 2017 ~
 
On Sunday 15th, I attended our Logotherapy supervision meeting with our clinical trainers.  Our meeting was supposed to be the week before, but was changed to a week later at the last minute, so as a result, I sadly had to miss my grandchildren’s church presentation, because I had been asked to present at our meeting and it was too late to expect someone else to come up with something to present.  If I was not presenting, I would never-ever have missed my grandchildren’s presentation.
 
When I arrived at Dot’s house where we all met, my fellow Logotherapist Marlene, invited some of us to come and say hello to one of the horses.  Of course, I was very happy to do so…  my love for horses reaching right back to my adolescent years. 
 
We petted the horse over the wooden fence, and then Marlene invited us to come in if we wanted to get closer to the horse.  I felt a little nervous, but trusted her, so I went in and stood right next to the beautiful white Arab horse and immediately started to feel the distancing (dissociation) happening as I rubbed her and talked to her.  She took notice of me, turning her head, looking me in the eyes and even licked my hand.  I had the sudden urge to hug her and voiced my desire, “I feel like giving her such a big hug, just like when I hug a tree” … I giggled at my own ridiculous comment, but Marlene said I could and encouraged me to hug the horse, so again, I trusted her and I did just that…
 
Instant flashback to my past… a bucket of tears… Patty had surfaced… or was it Patricia… surely Patricia… I don’t always know exactly what part of me has surfaced… deepest-darkest sadness… I see myself holding onto a horse from my past… there is darkness all around me… I’m totally alone in there… except for the horse… the horse is the light that I’m holding onto… I can’t remember the exact horse or much else… just my overwhelming emotions in that darkness… and the rescuing hug…  
 
Molested and raped the night before by my stepfather… a mother who was not interested and did nothing to protect us from him (or her) … she worked nights… I tried to tell her how sore I was... she was either blind and deaf, or I was totally invisible to her…
 
But the beautiful horse could see me… it could hear me… it’s love was unconditional and I could trust it… it was my only true friend besides my little sister, Shev.  (Sharon is her true name, but most have known her as Shev since our adolescent days and she identifies with her nickname).  Shev is 11 months younger than me and tomorrow, 19th October, is her 60th birthday… for one month we joke about being twins… then 23rd November, I turn 61… then I’m her big sister again and she teases me about being so old… hahahaa! 
 
Anyway… I don’t remember much else about that moment in time on Sunday, other than the flashback and deep feelings of sadness, and at the same time, an overwhelming sense of being loved and protected as I held onto that beautiful Arab horse.  I didn’t get her name… was she a girl… I am not even 100% sure if she was white… but I think I’m right.  I remember Marlene’s soothing voice… aware that there were people around… I needed to get away, because the emotions were so overwhelming inside of me… so I escaped under the fence to the bathroom where I pulled myself together and could breathe again.  I remember feeling like I was dropping through the ground as I walked away… dizzy and not too sure-footed… feeling like I had to be careful how I walked, because I didn’t want to make a spectacle of myself by falling in front of them all! 
 
I pulled myself together quickly and we then all met for my presentation.  I presented my new presentation which I’d only ever presented once before last year at one of our student’s workshops.  I wish I could remember if I presented to the Introductory or Intermediate students.  If I don’t write things down straight away, I forget.  This presentation was one that my mentor specifically asked me to put together, to share what my life used to be like before Logotherapy and how it is now as a result of Logotherapy… I absolutely loved putting it together, even though it was uncomfortable rehashing over some of my past to do so.  When I presented to the students last year and my mentor saw it for the first time, she loved it and cried as she commented on it afterwards. 
 
The title of the presentation is:  My Journey to Meaningful Healing and Freedom from Suffering Through Logotherapy ~ Part 2
 
I love how special our Logotherapy family are… every time we meet, they have done their best to accommodate me and my special diet… often going the extra mile, by either making me my own salad to my dietary specifications, or as with this time around, Dot organized the most delicious Banting surprise for me… a carrot cake, some kind of nut crisps, sausage rolls, etc.  I was a little nervous about eating something so different to what I’m used to, so I didn’t eat a lot, but oh my… it was totally delicious.  I could have eaten that entire carrot cake finished with ease if I had half a chance!  Thinking that I’d eaten more carbs than usual, I predicted a headache for the next day, but it never happened… so I did well not to eat too much.
 
I had a very emotional day all in all… it was an overwhelming wonderful day.  Sometimes, even too much of a good thing can cause emotional turmoil in me… I don’t know how to assimilate it all in my head… and there really was so much good in that day.  I was totally wiped out for a full day afterwards and just wanted to sleep.
 
I think that with my mother suffering from a manic kind of depression, we became afraid of her highs, because they always ended in low-disasters as her emotions crashed so often… so I have not learned how to trust highs and good times… hence a sense of celebration melancholy around celebratory times such as Christmas, and I’m already struggling on an emotional level, just knowing that my faraway sister Shev, is going to visit soon.  I’m already feeling a sense of loss at the idea that she will only leave again once her visit is over… fear of getting too close, because I fear the intensity of my own emotions when it comes to goodbyes.
 
How do I STOP this age-old destructive thought process that I struggle with… the intrusive thought patterns, etc?  I must focus on THE PRECIOUS MOMENTS we will have together… not the sad goodbye…
 
I’M WORKING ON IT!!!
 
On Sunday also, I had a healing moment with a friendship that was broken a while back … and even if it was only ever to be a moment in time, I will cherish it… 
 
Embracing and treasuring the moments life allows and gives so freely to me.  I am so blessed by those precious moments and feel very grateful for each one ♥
 
 
I am willing to present and share my life and Logotherapy with the world out there…
I felt a bit nervous about presenting such personal slides to our supervision group on Sunday, but all worked out well in the end and they seemed to genuinely enjoy it also, so I do feel a lot better about it now and would be happy to present wherever I can, so long as it’s not far and one of my co-Logotherapist trainers can attend with me to answer the questions I fumble over.  In general, I charge R500 to present close to home, but for charitable organizations doing work to help those that struggle emotionally and otherwise, I would only expect petrol money, because I can’t afford that also… we barely make it through each month as it is at the moment with certain changes in our financial situation.  I am also happy to present at family homes (for friends and family) nearby where I’d ask R100 per person attending, even if only one or two.
 
Friends and family have once again assisted us lovingly this month, so all is going to be alright once again… Thank you to those who have been there for us… Lots of love and gratitude to you ♥♥♥
 
Thank you for sharing with me today… I am grateful to all who follow my blog. 
Please feel free to comment.
 
~ Panayiota