Where do I begin? Where do I end? ~ Part 2

Facebook memories help me to see the pattern of my life and this help me to put the puzzle pieces together, gradually gaining more perspective to make sense of times like these.  Having a tangible reason for the breakdown of my mental state and behaviours, helps me to see things more clearly.
 
6 years ago
Panayiota - Facebook memory
August 9, 2014 at 8:14 AM ·
With a mild earthquake a few days ago, and NO water for a few hours yesterday, I once again hear the call to be ready... get ready... store food and water and medical supplies in our homes, for just in case.  We should all be doing it as a matter of wisdom and preparedness... none of us knows when disaster could strike and it could. It's time we faced the facts of life and stopped living in denial, believing it only happens in “other” countries. The time is NOW. Storing of emergency supplies is something we should all be doing. If anyone needs a list of what to store for their family, please let me know. We should all have a three-day emergency backpack for each member in our homes in case we need to run... and also at least a year’s supply of foods and water in our homes. I wish I had money... man, but I will still do what I can, somehow!
 
The above memory, just reinforces the struggle I’m having right now with this horrible corona virus and lockdown situation.  The struggle is VERY real!   If Maria Marshall allows me, I will share the article that I contributed to her book which should be published next month sometime.  It was very much related to the theme above.
 
11 years ago
Panayiota - Facebook memory
August 9, 2009 at 5:29 PM ·
Closing FB tonight for once and for all... please remember to e-mail from time to time all my friends out there... (email address).
 
Whenever I went through something particularly difficult where a friend let me down or turned their back on me, instead of deleting that friend only, because their presence was causing me so much pain, I used to delete everybody on my Facebook page except the absolute very rare few I felt I could still totally trust.  I would delete the rest, because the pain was such, that if that one could have stopped loving me, then whose love could I trust?  But it never worked for long, because so many of the ones who I’d deleted, that truly loved me there, would not let me get rid of them so easily, and so they would re-Friend me and without hesitation, I’d accept them back… strangely also sometimes, I’d even accept back the one/s who had hurt me if they sent a Friend request… part of me feeling that if they wanted to come back to my page, there had to be a reason and I had to give them a chance.  Mostly, I’d send messages of warning that I was about to delete everyone, or about to close my FB page, because maybe deep down, I wanted to hear someone say, “Please don’t go… I love you… I still want to be your friend”.  Occasionally, someone would ask me to stay and then I would… keeping their name on my rare and beautiful list and not deleting my page after all… but, still deleting everyone else who I wasn’t sure about, or who hadn’t shown any interest in “my visibility” for some time.  I did the whole deleting thing more than once, and each time I did, I did regret it afterwards, but also, gradually gathered around me, more and more people who I truly believed loved me and really cared and wanted to spend time with me each day on Facebook.  These dear steadfast friends and family, have been such a strengthening gift to my life, because they never went away, even when I did… they would not let me go.  I hope to meet them all someday, even if only in Heaven… I want to embrace each and every one and tell them how much I love them for steadfastly walking with me on my journey through life.
 
With the setback I’ve experienced as a result of that horrible Zoom meeting, I have not been able to shake the intense waves of sadness alternating with Patricia’s intense frustration and anger… I know I keep repeating poems, but, here we go again… they are the only way I can express well enough, what I’m feeling in any one moment in time, because they were written in such moments…
 
INTENSITY!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
The intensity is more than I can bear!
Burning acid on every rip and tear!
Bubble, bubble toil and trouble!
So much chaos, so much muddle!
I cannot bear it anymore...
But I'm not ready for Heaven's Door!
Help me!  Help me!
Please make me brave!
Save me! Save me! 
Please help me...
Save...
 
~ Panayiota
(07 October 2014
 
Feeling I had nowhere else to turn, I reached out to a woman on Facebook who keeps a page especially for people who have been abused… Sarah had written something and I responded:
 
Sarah Choujounian
I created this group for you, so that you may share your journey 🤗...don’t be shy, share your ups & downs with us...your story can help others ✊
 
Panayiota
Thank you Sarah, I guess my struggle still to this day at 63 years of age, is that I will never be understood and will always be blamed for everything that goes wrong when I react to my pain because someone else broke my boundaries, etc. They can always use my mental illness against me... so I can and will never win. It's like my childhood, living with an extremely abusive mother who accused, blamed and beat me for everything she could possibly think of, is repeated over and over and over again. The nightmare never ends. No one could ever hear my cries... nobody could ever see me... I am still invisible... and I guess, lock-down isn't helping much. Thank you for giving me a voice today ❤️
 
Sarah Choujounian
Panayiota, Thank you and it’s my absolute pleasure 🤗. I see you 👀 and I absolutely understand you...you’re not alone.  The lockdown has been extremely triggering & difficult for me too 😕...I really feel you & I stand with you ❤️
 
Panayiota
Your response brought tears to my eyes... thank you so much for just knowing what this feels like and sharing that ❤️
 
Just sharing with someone who understands… really, really understands... is on its own, very healing.  I felt comforted by her short and much needed and authenticating response.
 
This little poster, posted by my Facebook friend Ant, says it all

Panayiota
That's so me right now... but this too shall pass! ❤️
 
Ant
I had a bad dip a while ago, the first and last blocks described me to the T. Thankfully I've learned to reach out for help. And I have always had the most amazing people show up for me in my worst times. Knowing that what I am experiencing is temporary helped as well as having the knowledge that my attitude will determine the length and depth of my struggle, forced me to look up instead of in. I am also blessed to have a job that allows me to reach out to others and that always pulls me out. Love you Pan...You will rise out of this ❤️
 
Panayiota
Perfect, comforting words dear Ant. Thank you ❤️ Love you ❤️
 
On the 9th August, I was booked to present my Logotherapy Dream Interpretation of The Daydream Worlds of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse, presentation to students’ via a Zoom meeting, but it turned out that everyone needed to talk about their lockdown struggles, etc. I didn’t mind at all that I was not able to present, and felt so inspired by the love and freedom to express that everyone shared there.  I never shared, but listening alone was a gift of compassionate and healing love to me.  It made me realise how important it is for me to stay strong, even if it feels so horribly uncomfortable to be in this world right now.
 
The last week has been a very hard one for me.  I try not to let people know what I’m going through and keep my strong face on for the people I care enough about to not worry them with my crazy STUFF!  But here, on my blog, I need to feel free to share my truths.  I pray that if anyone is left uncomfortable after reading my stuff, that they either don’t come here to read, or that they will trust me as much as I believe that my God and also my mentor, Teria does… that I will not take my life, and that I will always rise above my struggles eventually, no matter how deep they are at any one time, or how long it takes, or how many losses I incur in the process.  I AM NOT A QUITTER!!!  If I survived my childhood abusers, my two abusive husbands, my horrid house move in 2012 and the transference and counter-transference in therapy, do you honestly think I won’t survive THIS… NOW?  The nightmares might be very hard to live through, and never seem to end, but I WILL NOT LET MY ABUSERS WIN ANYMORE!  My mother tried to abort me before I was even born and she never succeeded then… I WILL NOT LET HER KILL ME NOW!  She couldn’t kill me with her hate then… WHY SHOULD ANYONE ELSE’S HATE AND JUDGMENTS AGAINST ME KILL ME NOW!  I will keep fighting for my healing and freedom, no matter how much I might fall and weaken from time to time! 
 
‘FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT’ TO BE ‘ME’!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I sometimes ponder upon my ‘haunting fears’
I know ‘they’ were created since my difficult youth
I wonder how I came so far with ‘them’
For they exist, as plain as the truth
 
I know I’m a special woman today
I believe in the ‘LOVE’ of my heart
Yet still the ‘fears’ haunt me so often
And I’m sure ‘they’ will never depart
 
I’ve learnt to expect ‘them’ - My burden
To carry with me through all my days
And although faith has made ‘them’ less frightening
‘They’ still insist on ‘their’ ways
 
‘They’ so want to rule who I am
And control my destiny
But I know all ‘their’ tricks and ‘their’ games
I will keep fighting, The Good Fight’ to be ‘ME’
 
~ Panayiota
(28 March 2002)
 
THE FIGHT IS IN ME RIGHT NOW… IT’S THE ONLY WAY I CAN COPE WITH THE INTENSITY OF MY EMOTIONS!  One thing Patricia KNOWS WITHOUT DOUBT, is that she will NEVER be accepted and loved for who she is… she will NEVER be given a real voice in this world… and when she does try to talk, she will ALWAYS be ignored, judged, hated and rejected for daring to open her mouth… she will be left beaten over and over again… MOTHER ALWAYS WINS!
 
The need to hurt myself this last week, and still today has been incredibly intense.  My mind does play with suicidal thoughts… slitting wrists… cutting myself… bruising… biting my knuckles very hard, as I did when I was a child, etc. but, they are only thoughts and I am absolutely 100% positive that I WOULD NOT DO IT (Suicide)… I could NOT do that to my children and grandchildren and to those who I know look up to me and those who believe in me in this world… or my students.  I WILL NOT DO IT!
 
On Monday afternoon the intensity and anxiety was so intense, I felt I would just die if I did not hurt myself.  But it was my son’s afternoon off, so he came home.  I tried to get him to go shopping, but he was only interested in his games so wouldn’t go so that I could relieve the pressure-cooker wanting to explode inside of me.  Strangely, the self-injury intensity seemed worse during the afternoons this last week, with extreme anxiety attached and intense feelings of arousal… all linked to Patricia’s adolescent period of her life, with the stepfather's molestations inflicted on her repeatedly.  I can assure anyone reading this, that the intensity of arousal feelings is not something pleasant at all… it is absolute torture.  When I experienced it during the times of flashbacks in therapy, it was so uncomfortable to the point of vividly daydreaming constantly about cutting off the bottom half of my body.  I wanted to rid myself of those feelings forever… but what he did to me has continued to haunt me even to this day, well into my 60’s!  (I’ll turn 64 in November). 
 
I did not hurt myself this week, but the intensity and waves of emotions have made me very uneasy and as a result, I’ve struggled to stay out of a dissociative state during the days, so that I can do  my work efficiently, and I’ve struggled to sleep at night.  The night before last I chose not to take a sleeping pill and managed just over 4 hours sleep only.  Thankfully I took my usual ¼ sleeping pill last night, and totally exhausted, I managed to sleep a good 7 hours.  I could not have done another day like yesterday.
 
Today I lost the battle with Patricia’s anger, but somehow, I still held control over what she intended to do to me.  She had found another way to hurt me... one that would not hurt physically!  With the same intensity of wanting to bruise myself, I searched frantically for the scissors I had worked with just recently… what on earth did I do with them all… they are all blunt and about two or three weeks ago, I was looking for a way to sharpen them.  I could not find them today!  I eventually found a small pair of sewing scissors… went to the bathroom… stripped bare… (we were always stripped, left exposed and naked, before we were beaten when we were children)… and I stared to chop my hair off!  I knew without a shadow of a doubt, that Patricia wanted to leave me bald… I fought to keep control over those scissors… I could feel her anger still directed at the one and others who she felt had hurt her or abandoned her recently… I could hear her thoughts… “If you want UGLY, here’s ugly for you!”… (Our mother used to cut our hair very short… we HATED it… she refused to allow us to look like girls or to feel pretty… it was as though she wanted us to be ugly so that she could continue to feel her own beauty above ours.)  Once I was out of her control, I chose never to let my hair be short… that was Patricia’s defiant stand… “You will NEVER cut my hair short again!!!” and I never did… but today, I could feel a different defiance and anger in Patricia… this time, not directed towards mother!
 
“If you want UGLY, here’s ugly for you!”
 
And… I have to say, she’s left me in a hot mess… how could I let anyone see me like this… if a hairdresser saw what I’ve done, I wonder what they will think… I now look and feel really ugly… MOTHER WON! 
 
But she only won today! 
 
What triggered today’s madness, was the fact that I was put onto a WhatsApp group by the very person who has upset my life and my sense of peace and belonging so much and I am just not ready for the insulting intrusion into my space yet… I have to have time for my own recovery before I will be strong enough to face life with my own strengths again… so it’s annoying the HELL out of me that he did that right now!  (Like the fipping hero, come to save the poor, weak soul!!!  DOES HE THINK HE’S EQUIPPED TO FIX ME!!!!  Oh, the swear words Patricia has for him right now!  But still keeping some control over my faculties… so “LEAVE ME ALONE!” will have to suffice.)  I have put the thing on MUTE for a year… to give myself a chance to find some sense of peace again in the meantime… I cannot delete myself from there, because there are many people I love there, who don’t see me as a weak NOTHING that needs their help and controlling!  I feel a sense of responsibility and love for their presence and WILL NOT insult them or their goodness and their love by leaving.  But to save myself from the repeatedly triggering of the intensity of anger I’m feeling, I will remain MUTED for now! 
 
Of course… others will fall away from my life when they read my blog posts over all of this SHIT!  They will feel sorry for the one that hurt me... they're always so clever... mother knew exactly how to cover up her own faults… IT IS WHAT IT IS… IT’S HOW IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN!  NOTHINGS NEW…
 
Today is my Greek Name Day ~ I AM PANAYIOTA

My Greek mom was the only person who ever really celebrated my Greek name day with me and the only one who ever consistently called me by my real name... (she could see me… she could hear me… I was not invisible to her) and whenever we were together on my Name Day, she would make sure to give me a chocolate... It's funny how that has always been one of my greatest memories of her... what may have seemed like a small thing to her, was such an affirmation of real belonging to me... she made me believe that I belonged to my Greek family… I miss her terribly.  I must still share my metaphorical story here sometime, about my times visiting her during my childhood… I’ve been meaning to.  I must find the time to do that. 　

​Thank you to those who took the time to read this.  Please Like the post if you did read, so that I at least can be left with a sense of being uplifted by the presence of those who cared enough to read to the end.  

​Those who don’t at least try to understand or those who don't approve of what I share… I DON’T WANT YOUR LIKE ON MY POSTS!  
 
~ Panayiota/Patricia