Gratefully, I just rediscovered and updated one of my lost poems I'd written just before the devastating computer crash of June 2017 where I lost most of my poems that were written after June 2014... thankfully I still had on a flash disc about 1075 poems I'd written from when I was 12 years old up until June 2014... and some poems written after June 2014 that I was able to recover from poetry sites I'd entered them on, and through friends I had shared some of those with!

I wrote this poem as part of the wonderful and healing "More To Live" weekend experience I had last year.

I AM…
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I am a masterpiece of creation
A vessel of purest love
Given a life of trials
Always to rise above
I have courage as tall as the mountain
I stood on that beautiful day
When the sun shone over Israel
Healing my soul with its’ rays
I am a mother to all who need one
A sister and friend in need
No trial could stop my loving
My choice to stop the bleed
I am Panayiota
Brave and true and strong
Abuse can never destroy me
While I cling to my souls’ healing song!

~ Panayiota
(25 March 17 ~ updated)
 
I have not found time yet to even look at or put my remaining poetry collection together, but hope to find time soon and to one day have them published as a poetic journal of my life, in a Logotherapy inspired anthology and biography of my life in poetry.

But first, my book must be finished this year and the Logotherapy paper I was writing last year… I still haven’t had time to get back to those either, but working towards and hoping for more time soon.

The picture quote popped up on Facebook this morning, reminding me and inspiring me to look for my lost poem... I could not find it on my computer, but thankfully did find it in the little booklet I was given to write in while on the "More to Life" weekend last year.

Thank you for sharing and being a part of my journey...

~ Panayiota

My middle sister goes home today after her visit with us all.  It's been an emotional roller-coaster ride for me.  Thankfully though, I was blessed with two days of REAL TIME with her since she arrived on the 12th.
 
On Sunday, I took her to visit her in-laws in Edenvale which was such a lovely, peaceful visit... they are very down to earth and good, kind, comfortable people to be around. 
 
And on Monday, we went fishing, Just our daddy, my youngest son, my sister and I, in two different cars (too much fishing gear and stuff in the one car for us all to fit).  My car broke down on the way there and limped to the dam, with us constantly stopping to refill the water tank and radiator with water as it was draining fast and seriously overheating.  On the way home, we couldn’t go far at all and were travelling so slow, so we sent our dad and my son home, because it was scorching hot and uncomfortable on the road, while my sister and I waited at some little restaurant on the side of the road...
 
I can’t remember the place where we stopped off, but we were so relaxed there and there were wild buck lying on the field behind us… just chilling… it was so beautiful to see.  The wind blew gently through the shaded area where we sitting and it was cool and lovely.
 
A miracle of time... a true blessing from Heaven... 
 
Yes... no car for now again and even my fridge has died since my sister arrived... and the Municipality now want R2400 off of us at the end of the month and we just can't understand why because we have been paying our bills!  I paid R2000 just before Christmas, because they wanted to shut off our lights and I couldn't let that happen!  That left us really short for December!

But, I am not complaining at all about any of that right now, because Heaven granted me precious time with my sister... without all the noise of the crowds and exhaustion of going out all the time so that everyone else could have a piece of her... What a wonderful blessing the last two day were and a very much needed reassuring, healing time for me personally... I needed it so much and Heaven KNEW and granted it to me...  
 
How dare anyone condemn me for what religion I choose to be part of... how evil and destructive is such condemnation to relationships that are supposed to be pure!  There is always... ALWAYS such proof of God's LOVE for me just as I am, regardless of what the WORLD judges me to be, just because I do not conform exactly to THEIR WILL and THEIR WAY!!! 
 
People may see the car breakdown as a curse... I see it as a MIRACLE... 
 
God Moves in a Mysterious Way
God moves in mysterious ways
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea,
And rides upon the storm.
 
Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never-failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs,
And works His sovereign will.
 
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.
 
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
 
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.
 
Blind unbelief is sure to err,
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.
 
~ William Cowper.
 
I love and agree with what Viktor Frankl says in his book:  Man’s Search for Meaning
 
“…there are two races of men in this world, but only these two—the "race" of the decent man and the "race" of the indecent man. Both are found everywhere; they penetrate into all groups of society. No group consists entirely of decent or indecent people.”
 
Why can’t people just be more accepting of people that are different to themselves?  Where is the love... where is the love...  
 
Yesterday (Tuesday) was kind of special also... leaning more towards us three sisters actually being together as I had so hoped it would be when it all started, but it never really worked out that way... so I'm in a better space right now... too little too late... but enough to lift me above the really bad and dangerous place (mind set), that I found myself in due to so much hurting and separation... feeling very alone in the crowd... unloved, rejection, judgement and all flashback emotions to what happened in therapy due to the transference and counter-transference episode.
 
Once again, my mentor’s wisdom which arrived yesterday, has helped to lift me to where I should be as far as moving beyond the pain and desperate needs and cries of my inner-child's soul goes...
 
My dear mentor wrote: “Time was made for you with your car breaking down, focus on that!  Who or what can rob you of anything, Pan?  Let people be entangled in their own needs and desires, that is not your concern.  So what if it shuts us out, somehow?  You have your life-space, your freedom of choice to be who you are and to do what you have to without any outside affirmation of the worth of your person.  We start off by needing and by being hurt by people but we grow beyond that kind of need, even though at times a lack of the affirmation of our worth from those we care to have it from may throw us.  The final and highest stage of spiritual growth and maturity, and you are so on your way towards that, is not to need ANYONE anymore and yet to care for everyone, whether we get their attention and have their affection or not!!”
 
I responded: “Thank you so very much… I will keep striving for the personal spiritual growth you speak of… I know you are right… it just hurts so much getting there… thank you for your wisdom and genuine care.”
 
Last night, another crowd gathering of family, to share a last family-together time with my sister.  I really, really enjoyed it this time, feeling a little more reassured of my place with them all and especially with my sisters.
 
I feel that this whole time with my sisters, is the perfect example of what I could talk about in the presentation I have been asked to develop this year for our Logotherapy intermediate student’s workshops and which I have been asked to deliver also to our Logo-supervision group… the title of this presentation will be:  The self-destructive power of the damaged mind. 
 
As I went through the different stages of grief with plenty tears since my middle sister arrived as a result of all the conflicting goings on that I could not cope well with in my own mind, I could easily, during the anger phase, have given up completely on my longed-for dream of my Greek family’s love and acceptance.  I was ready to let them go and to give up the fight to be a true part of them all… and as I wrote in my note to my mentor (adapted)… in a way, reaching out for her reassuring comforting and wisdom:
 
“… As soon as my sister has left and I have time, I will write to my online Logotherapist again for counselling, because I feel so ready to give up at this stage, so there is even conflict arising around my Greek name, Panayiota… it would mean nothing anymore if I gave up on my quest for their love and acceptance… then I wouldn’t care what anyone called me anymore.”
 
What I try to remind myself of, is how quickly and easily my own mother (also an adult survivor of severe child abuse) would give in to her pain and anger and take action on her deep and chaotic emotions without thought about what the consequences would be… I once wrote about this (adapted):
 
BURNING BRIDGES!
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She can’t have many bridges left over the rivers of her life,
She’s burnt so many already on her journeys of wasted strife!
She’s burnt so many friendship bridges and the ashes she just blew away,
And never looked back on a single one, or seemed to regret each bridge burning day!
Most family bridges she set alight in a moment and angry state,
And the day she wished she hadn’t, it was already far too late!
Yet still she’s burning her bridges and the flames are hot and high,
For she doesn’t know how to stop herself and her tongue’s the lighters fire!
Her bridges are smouldering everywhere and soon they’ll all burn away!
What will she do when she has none left?  How sad will be her day?
 
Panayiota
(3 February 2002)
 
I don’t want to become like my mother… I must continue to learn how to bridal my hurting heart and the anger this hurting creates in me.  I must cling to the wisdom of my mentors and the example of Viktor Frankl and how he managed to survive the horrors of the Holocaust to become such an incredible inspiration to all in this world. 
 
If I do not succeed in overcoming my broken soul (broken as a result of child abuse), I will never know peace and I will never be free…
 
I CANNOT LET MY ABUSERS WIN AND TO CONTINUE TO TAKE CLAIM ON MY MIND AND MY LIFE!!! 

(poem adapted... I make changes to my poems, etc. as I grow and understand things better.  How I understood or perceived things a few years ago, is not longer always the same today as I continue to transcend my past, gradually gaining in emotional intelligence, etc.)
​
‘FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT’ TO BE ‘FREE’!
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I sometimes ponder upon my ‘haunting fears’,
I know ‘they’ were created since my difficult youth,
I wonder how I came so far with ‘them’,
For they exist, as plain as the truth!
 
I know I’m a special woman today,
I believe in the ‘LOVE’ of my heart,
Yet still the ‘fears’ haunt me so often,
And I’m sure ‘they’ will never depart!
 
I’ve learnt to expect ‘them’ - My burden,
To carry with me through all my days,
And although faith has made ‘them’ less frightening,
‘They’ still insist on ‘their’ ways!
 
‘They’ so want to rule who I am,
And control my destiny,
But I know all ‘their’ tricks and ‘their’ games,
And I will keep fighting, "The Good Fight’ to be ‘FREE’!
 
(28 March 2002)
​
I love my family… having them as a part of my life is also a part of my sense of freedom from my past… I cannot let them go and must not!
 
I will think about it for a while longer before I decide what example to use for my presentation…
 
Thank you for sharing with me
 
~ Panayiota