~ Posted: 30 December 2015 ~
 
Well... those who have known me for long enough will know that for me... Christmas is a ‘hard time’... the build-up to it brings so many mixed up emotions, and in the aftermath of Christmas, I find myself in the utterly still... dead... silent space of nothingness... other than the special memories of spending a truly blessed day with family and friends, but even they seem so distant already now. 
 
For years I suffered greatly around this time of the year... struggling inner child feelings... Mother used to get us all excited and make us dream big about the wonders and magic of Christmas... then inevitably and eventually very predictably, totally burst our bubbles and destroy every ounce of happiness we may have mustered for Christmas!  So on a subconscious level, Christmas always makes me dread... long story!  Then the depression in the “empty aftermath” afterwards! 
 
I think my boss has a memory like an elephant as she has watched me over the years... so literally the day before Christmas she sent me a huge job... I started working on it and more jobs that came in the day after and finished yesterday... more this morning too... so there was no time for the depression to set in... I felt needed, appreciated and had a responsibility that helped me through this dead silence and isolation and desperate struggle with dissociation and the need to curl up on my bed and just sleep the days away...
 
All the excitement... all the hustle and bustle... all the people... all the joy... GONE overnight... then just the dead silence and isolation... the part I dislike most about Christmas... because I wish that every day with family and friends could be as beautiful... as if we are equally as important to each other, loved and needed even on non-Christmas days.  To me, it’s all seems to be a big farce!  A one-day illusion of how things should actually be “every day” in life...
 
Feelings: unreal... untrue... momentary... fleeting... I’d rather not know a time like Christmas... as if this one day in the life of a human being should be any different to every other day
 
I am deliberately not discussing “religious” ideals in this conversation, because this is not what this letter is about... I’ve had enough of “this religious group attacking that religious group, etc.”... my therapist's relentless attacks on me re: her religion verses mine and how I am doomed to burn in hell for not following "her way", has left me totally cold to defining things through religious discussions... I have learned that it is better for me to define life through the heart of me... the seat of my own soul... and not through what others tell me is right and wrong and what should be or shouldn't be through their own ideals, learning’s and perceptions.  We are all so different, and my relationship with my God is highly personalised and therefore should not interfere with or judge yours.

I would like my blog to be not about this church or that church, or this people and that people, but rather about “the human spirit within us as human beings”... and things as they should be in this world because of "our humanity".  I would like to know that anyone, anywhere can read my blog and feel connected to the “human struggle” and the “strength and potential for recognising and knowing what is good, beautiful and true for all, which lies within each one of us..."

 
Right now:
I desperately need “time” to write my paper on Logotherapy Dream Interpretation to include my new findings on this amazing subject (nothing to do with fortune telling).  I pray that over the next few days I have the silence and space I actually do now need to get that done... I marked my last “late” student portfolio yesterday... so today feels hopeful to get my paper started... please pray for me that I get it done well...

Happy New Year!
Wishing all my friends and family a blessed New Year to come... only hours away!   I used to dread New Year’s too, but over the last few years since I started my incredible Logotherapy journey, I have started to have real “HOPE” in each New Year which gives me another chance to make my dreams come true... my book for instance... God willing I will find time to get that finished too this New Year. 
 
If you celebrate your New Year at a different time to the rest of the world, then I pray your year is going wonderfully well so far and will continue to be really good for you.
 
~ Pana

~ Posted: 29 December 2015 ~
 
Awhile back, a friend suggested that I don’t do post about my plants on my blog and I lost my confidence for a time.  But to be quite honest, I can’t resist sharing the beauty of my garden with others.  My garden helps me get out of my bubble regularly and gives real meaning to my life.  It refreshes me and inspires me... rejuvenates and uplifts me. 
 
Once again I am reminded of one of my favourite Frankl quotes:
 
“In life the opportunities to address oneself to this or that group of values vary from hour to hour. Sometimes life demands of us the realization of creative values; at other times we feel it necessary to turn to the category of experiential values. At one time we are called upon, as it were, to enrich the world by our actions, another time to enrich ourselves by our experiences. Sometimes the demands of the hour may be fulfilled by an act, at another time by our surrendering to the glory of an experience. Man can be “obligated” to experience joy. In this sense a person sitting in a streetcar who has the opportunity to watch a wonderful sunset, or to breathe in the rich scent of flowering acacias, and who instead goes on reading his newspaper, could at such a moment be accused of being neglectful toward his obligations” (Frankl 1986:45)

I think it’s important to share on my blog about the things that I love to do and that make me feel good about myself.  After all, I am not just an adult survivor of child abuse that experiences day to day struggles, but also a person who has values that are meaningful to me and that make me who I am today. 
 
Paradoxically, I inherited my love of gardening from my abusive mother... she used to create the most beautiful gardens, so she too, was not JUST an adult survivor of child abuse, and she was not JUST a horrible abuser who hurt her children severely on a daily basis.  Mother also had some ‘good’ values that helped her to cope and that brought moments of beauty and sanity into her own messed up world. 
 
I am truly grateful for inheriting “green fingers” from her, because without time spent in my beautiful garden, I just don’t know how I’d cope with living in this ‘isolation bubble’ with my frequent bouts of depression.
 
Vegetables:  Here are pictures of the beautiful red onions I dug up from my little garden recently, and the butternut plant that I never planted, that is growing in my garden right now. 
 
I always say that the plants that surprise me by coming up on their own, were planted by Heaven and so I make sure to take extra special care of them.  So far, we have four large butternuts on the vine which I have growing upright.  I also grow a lot of herbs and try to use them often as a natural way of including vitamins and minerals in my diet.

Fruit:  Besides tree tomatoes (tamarillos) and a lemon tree, I also grow strawberries on strawberry towers that my son in law made for me.  It is the first time I’ve tried this and already know what mistakes I have made so that if I ever do them again, I will have a better idea of how to plant them correctly for best results.

Flowers:  I am very excited about my beautiful star flowers.  In the picture, the pentagon shaped bud opened today and that is one I’ve had for a while. I love it so much... it’s a stunning and very unusual flower and a hardy plant.  But to my surprise, there are two long buds suddenly growing out of what looks like the same plant.  I am really hoping they are a different maroon star flower that my friend, Helen, had in her garden when she gave me cuttings about a year ago.  It has never flowered so I thought I’d missed it or maybe it died, so talk about excited... I can’t wait for it to open to see what it is! I’ve marked the buds with a red arrow.

The third type of star flower that I have, which is open at the moment is a much smaller and quite different version of the other one... this little one attracts ‘pet flies’ so must have a stinky smell to is.  No flies in this shot though.  I absolutely love star flowers and would love to have all of the many different varieties, shapes, sizes and colours of them... they are very beautiful to me!  I hope I inspire some of my readers to find and grow these too, because they are so easy to grow from my experience so far!

Over the last few days, these beautiful oriental lilies, given to me by my sister-in-law last summer, have started to bloom for the first time.  They are magnificent with their huge flowers and beautiful scent.  I delight in seeing them... they are a lovely experience to behold... totally gorgeous!

So now, for those who read my previous post a while back about my orchids, you will remember that my first orchid to open was a beautiful white one.  At the time I was waiting for my second one to open and it finally did.  It was a lovely green one and all the flowers lasted for ages for which I was very pleased.  Take a look also at the lovely one that I’d given to my daughter before it bloomed.  It eventually opened with a mass of pink flowers... not sure if you’d call that pink, but whatever happens, it is beautiful and she loves it.

Well, that’s my garden news for now.  Stay tuned for the opening of the ?-star flower buds... I will definitely post a picture of them when they finally open... soon I hope.

Goodnight beautiful world... and to all who are waking up on the other side of the world, have a very happy day.  I hope I have inspired you to look around you at the beauty of nature as you go about your day and I hope you will feel as refreshed by doing so as I do in my lovely garden.

~ Pana

It took me many years to learn, that I am also a "somebody" in this world.  All my life I saw myself as the "underdog" and allowed myself to be the "doormat" that others walked all over... well... no more...
 
I have learned "to love and accept" myself and to at last, see my potential and strive for it daily... strive to be who I was born to be, so that I can do what I came into this world to do.
 
No longer am I my abusers, "useless, nothing child"... I am perfectly "me" and now have many reasons to "BE".
 
(I need to make it quite clear that there’s a big difference between hurting people and negative people.  I would never distance myself with hurting people, unless they were deliberately hurting me too)
 
~ Pana

~ Posted 12th December 2015 ~

I love being at the sea... especially rocky beaches where I can lose myself (escape) in exploration. I love forests, caves, camping, mountains, traveling and seeing beautiful sights like waterfalls and magnificent star covered night skies... I love nature and the feeling of being completely free... (It’s been a LONG... LONG time).

Counselling clients and those in need of a chat and seeing them find their answers and healing... now that really makes me happy and gives my life so much meaning.

Spending happy times with family and friends also... and my grandchildren make me VERY HAPPY too.

One of my loveliest toys ever when I was a child was a Kaleidoscope... I have never found one since and the other day I was delighted to find a really good one in one of our local stores... at the age of 59, I bought it and feel so happy to have recaptured one of my rare-GOOD happy childhood memories again. Now I dream of one day finding a GOOD microscope again. One of the best presents I was ever given in my childhood... I would escape into it for hours, lost in the magic and wonder it blessed me with during those years of horror as a result of child abuse.
 
Both the kaleidoscope and microscope were two of the most wonderful gifts to my life as a child... and my beautiful gemstone collection which mother just gave away one day without any thought for my feelings. One day I will hopefully be able to afford a good microscope again so that I can share that portion of my rarest-happiest childhood memories with my grandchildren so that they too might be blessed through the magic and wonder it blessed me with as a child.
 
Do you still hold onto some rare-GOOD and most happy childhood dreams or memories that you would like to recapture today? 
 
Please share by writing to me on my “Contact” page.  Your post will not be seen publicly... it will be e-mailed to my private e-mail address only. 
 
My blog is not open to public commenting yet.  If you would like my blog to be open to public commenting, please let me know.  I’m not sure I’m ready to do so yet, but would like to at least know if my readers would like to be able to comment publicly on my posts or is it not really necessary because you can still contact me via my “contact” page.
 
Thank you to all those who have written to me... it has been a real pleasure for me to communicate with you.

~ Pana

~ Posted: 10th December 15 ~ pm
 
I spotted this Facebook page "Child Welfare Bloemfontein and Childline Free State" and wrote to them to ask if they could advise me on my blog.  I received this lovely letter below from someone there for which I am most grateful and would like to thank them from my heart. I have taken note of what they wrote here...

"...it's not always quantity that matters, but quality. Keep the focus with each and every thought you would like to share..."

This is not the first time I’ve been given the same advice as above, and as the reader will see from today's earlier "blog post", I'm not very good at keeping my writings short... but just so you know I will keep trying, because I'm very aware that I need to acquire this important skill if my writings are ever going to be really noticed by those I hope most to reach with my sharing. I really don't want to bore you all to tears with long posts. 

Letter below from "Child Welfare Bloemfontein and Childline Free State":

“Hi Pana... Congratulations on your blog and on finding purpose through one of life's worst sufferings. What a beautiful choice you made!

Logotherapy centers around finding purpose in life, guides people to become aware of things around them that needs him/her to step up, take responsibility, get involved, love and care. One of the specific methods used is making use of interpersonal interaction, acceptance, logical thinking - mostly with the aim of guiding someone (in your case, maybe the reader?) to see a situation different than before, maybe from a different viewpoint - what I see in your blog posts.

Keep it up, it's not always quantity that matters, but quality. Keep the focus with each and every thought you would like to share, and put your message out there. You are making a difference!

As Frankl said: For what then counts and matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a tragedy into a personal triumph, to turn ones' predicament into a human achievement.

Strongs :)”
 
To my readers:  Please let me know if you are enjoying my posts and finding them helpful and if you also feel I am making them too long-winded.  Thank you.
Write to me via: CONTACTS

Posted:  10 December 2015
 
I had such a bad day yesterday, but decided not to mention it to anyone while it was happening.  Again, I think I am still struggling with an adrenaline overload... anxiety/stress/lack of sleep/whatever causing too much adrenaline to be pumped into my system constantly, causing adrenaline fatigue... or something!  I don’t even have time to study up on the internet to see if I can find more answers there. 
 
On Friday I think it was, I had a really nasty turn where I could feel the feeling of a fine vibration in my body going on all day and then suddenly, just after my grandchildren and a visitor left in the evening, my body seized... the muscles in my back and abdomen seemed to go into a tight knot and I felt positively uncomfortable and ill like I was close to bringing up and collapsing... I had to stop what I was doing and go and lie down to try and completely relax to help myself!!!  It was seriously scary!  Well, the adrenaline is still pumping because I still feel the constant vibration in my body, day and night, and a feeling as if I’m on constant high alert!!! 
 
The night before last I had only 6 ½ hours’ sleep... yesterday by 10h30, I was dissociating and my mind drifting so badly I had to lie down and sleep again... The tiredness was so intense that I could do nothing at all and could barely hold my body up anymore.  I slept for just over 1 ½ hours and thankfully I could function better later, but the sleep was a restless one in which I could feel my body vibrating inside the whole time and it seemed to be concentrated on my heart... palpitations... and it was scaring me.  I believe it was the adrenaline overload... I was unable to relax enough to stop it! 
 
The intense tiredness seems to be with me all the time... I just can’t shake it.  
 
So much to do... so little time... so little energy... and Christmas season doesn’t help one bit.  It has always been an emotional struggle for me... never enough time or money to do or buy what I want to for those I love.  For some reason, Christmas makes me very sad... memories from my past.  Mother suffered from “celebration melancholy”... she would get us all excited about the wonder and magic of Christmas, then just when things seemed so perfect and hopeful, she’d turn into the worst kind of Grinch and our whole worlds would turn upside down yet again.  Everything would turn ugly on us when she let her “monster” out.  It always happened during times of celebration, so, deep down I am still, always subconsciously expecting something to go terribly wrong at times when everything is supposed to be “so right”
 
Patty (my inner child) can no longer believe in the magic and wonder of such times as this... she withdraws into the darkest corners of her miserable dungeon in fear and trepidation, still expecting the worst... (the dungeon her abusers created for her).  I wonder... was it the same for mother... where did her broken inner child go during times of celebration... was this why she was the way she was?  I know that I always tried my very best to give my children a happy time during the holidays and I know I mostly succeeded even though there has always been a financial struggle... I never wanted to be anything like mother and did everything in my power not to be, but...  when I feel Patty’s struggles, I can’t help but wonder what mother’s little inner-child’s struggles must have been like... she was also terribly abused by her own mother and even her father. 
 
Because I am able to consider Mother’s struggle, it is impossible for me to hate her for what she did to my siblings and I even though I cannot ever condone or accept what she did.  I’m suffering today because of the cruel and thoughtless choices she made as my mother.
 
I’ve never had a diagnosis for what’s going on with my adrenaline... I haven’t even been seen to by a professional for my diabetes or gout... I’ve just had to work out for myself what I think is going on and do what I feel is best, because without a medical aid, there’s not much else I can do.  There is a definite element at this time, of just being overwhelmed by all the work with putting student workshops together and attending them at the university... traveling long distances in heavy slow traffic due to extensive roadwork’s along the way... not being sure I will find my way... my TomTom plug faulty and keeps switching off... having to fiddle with it to fix it whilst driving on the highway, feeling panicked in case I miss my turnoff in the process... and even my birthday on 23rd of November, during my most stressful work time of the year, with so many wonderful messages that came in for which I am truly grateful, but feeling I needed to respond to each one... more stress trying to do so... an engagement party to prepare for.  And now, wondering how to buy with so little money, gifts for my beloved grandchildren and other friends and family who celebrate Christmas... no time to make anything... barely time to go shopping... trying to get my ID sorted out still since Home Affairs lost my prints on their system... car roadworthy, licencing and change of ownership... problems each time we go so have to find time to go again...
 
And all this for a person who struggles with agoraphobia!  It’s been very stressful to say the least.  It has always been a struggle to leave my comfort zone, and in times when my routine is turned upside down.  It just doesn’t seem to ever get easier... but I somehow keep on keeping on and doing what must be done, because... I know it must get done!  If I had to run form everything that scares me, then what would be the use... I may as well give up completely! 
 
No... There’s no running!!!  I cannot let that happen!!!
 
I don’t do well in the heat and it’s really very hot weather right now, so I know that also has something to do with the struggle I have to sleep at this time besides my mind being unable to turn off at night.  Lack of sleep is a huge problem for me... I do not function well emotionally during the day when I have not had at least 7 hours sleep at night.  I have had 5-6 hours sleeps only at night for nearly 2 weeks now and it is affecting my-day-to day functioning and work greatly! 
 
Dissociation, tiredness and depression seem to be my biggest struggle each day.  Last night I did manage a 7 hour sleep, so I am doing better today, but still those moments of dissociation where I feel I need to shake my head hard to make it stop.
 
Falling... spiralling down that bottomless rabbit hole again!!! 
 
I’m also taking on the weight of the world again... so many people I love are struggling and many turn to me for comfort.  I love that they do and I need to know I’m needed in this world... that’s what keeps me going... but I still suffer a bit from “save the world syndrome”... I want to help them all and feel helpless that I can’t save them all or, take away or fix their problems for them... 
 
Mostly at this time, I want to be with my sister (in-law), Anne, on the other side of the world.  She is suffering greatly with breathing problems... radiation damaged lungs due to cancer treatment a few years back and now she has just been diagnosed with congestive cardiac failure and needs hospice care... OWEE!  How I wish I could be there for her during this time to help her and love her and just be a companion to her each and every day.  Over all these years, she has been there for me, even from a distance... my most faithful, steadfast, longsuffering friend of all.  All I can do is to pray for her... Please, if you are reading this, please pray with me that my Anne will be loved a lot and be well cared for and will be able to breath comfortably also so that she does not have to suffer more.  I am very grateful to my nephew and niece and all those who I know will be there for her at this time to help her to get strong again.
 
Thank you
~ Pana

(If you identify with anything I write, please let me know via "CONTACT"... I will receive an e-mail... thank you)

The last three weeks or more have been crazy busy with the Logotherapy student exam workshops, and this week will be equally as busy with preparing all their certificates, printing, signing, stamping and posting. Not to mention new student registrations for 2016 already coming in which need to be processed and study packs put together and posted.
 
And on top of all that, with my son, Andrew, is on leave from work for a week, so we need to pack into this week so much "other stuff", such as taking our old dog to the vet (Animal Anti Cruelty) to have his teeth seen to... Going back to Home Affairs to see if they have finally sorted out my ID after they lost my finger prints on their system and blocked my ID document without informing me... I found out when I tried to open an account for my blog so that my clients would have somewhere to pay into for Logotherapeutic services.  New finger prints had to be taken two weeks ago.  Also we need to take our car to have a 2nd roadworthy test to hopefully finalise that so that we can licence it. Our last car was stolen over a year ago.
 
I can't wait to catch up on the office work so that I can get back to writing something on my blog page... so much to write about... so little time. I just have to get all this work done before I can take a break... it's a really good thing that I love my job and the students and my colleagues so much, otherwise I'm sure I would have burnt out a long time ago.  It’s been a long time since I could find the time to paint, write poetry, care properly for my garden and do other creative, “me” things that are also very much needed for nurturing my soul.  I really am looking forward to a short break once I have caught up with my work this month.
 
Take care everyone. I will still try pop in at least to keep up a few posts and short comments on my “Patty’s Keys” Facebook page.  When you see the next blog post, you will know that I have finally caught up and found time to write again... I’m really looking forward to sharing again.