~ Posted 18 April 16 ~
 
I spent part of Saturday with my daughter teaching her how to use an old sewing machine I gave her... then we came to my house and I gave her some scraps of material to practice on and she selected some old patterns I have, that she will try out once she’s got the knack of the sewing machine...
 
Then Sunday I attended the Logotherapy supervision meeting we have approximately every 6 weeks.  We had two guests there and the one being one of my own trainers from way back when... dear Audrey... oh I do love her ever so much for all she did along with my other Logotherapy trainers, to help me to come so far in my life!  Further than I ever would have known or believed possible if I wasn’t here now to realise and witness my own progress on the incredibly healing journey I have been on!
 
Audrey came with another Logotherapist who is an amazing woman also in her own right.  The meeting was lovely and we learned a lot, but I had some other really beautiful moments on the day which I feel to share... 
 
The first where I learned that a dear colleague who will leave us for another country soon, had given my other colleague and wonderful trainer/friend from my own time of training, the laptop he so desperately needed after his was destroyed recently by water being spilled into it.  He had also used the old one for months already with a really badly broken screen!  What a blessing it was for me, to hear that he now had a good laptop again.  I actually got tears in my eyes with relief and joy for my dear friend, in the moment of feeling such great love between friends.  I am always so deeply touched by “true and unconditional love” shared between people with no ulterior motives or expectations... it seems to be a rare blessing of life these days... and so very beautiful to witness.
 
Then, during a tea break, I asked the house owner at the place we were meeting at, if I could touch one of the horses or would it bite.  She said, “Come”... so I followed her to the beautiful white picket fenced paddock... then she called to “Lemon” to one of her therapy horses, and he immediately came over from the other side of his paddock straight towards us...
 
FLASHBACK from my past... I can’t even remember if he was walking or running towards us... he may as well as even have had wings in that moment and flown over...  I have blanked it out of my mind, because I instantly went into my child personality... emotions far too deep to try to explain... started giggling with excitement and then when Lemon reached us, and immediately greeted his friend standing next to me, then turned his face and literally rested his face against mine, so close I could feel his warmth and breath on my skin............................................  
 
Oh my... what a deeply moving moment in time for me... I cannot even explain...
 
The tears began to flow from deep within and overflowed... (Patty’s tears)... he let me touch him and he touched my heart deeply in the process. 
 
After meeting Lemon, I had to quickly sneak away to the bathroom where I was able to let out the surge of trapped emotion and I just cried and cried until I could pull myself together again and did that as quickly as I could, because I knew I had to... I didn’t want to have to explain if someone came looking for me.
 
Thank goodness I was able to hide what was going on inside of me from the people around me... but the energy it takes to hide such deep emotions leaves me completely drained.
 
(When I lived with our abusive stepfather in my childhood, we stabled horses on the plot we lived on... they became my “best friends”... my “safe place”... my “escape”... I would spend hours with them... grooming them... talking to them... crying with them... and feeling as though I was not alone in my troubles... I had them and they cared how I felt and loved and accepted me regardless of how “BAD” I was left feeling about myself after the verbal attacks, beatings and rapes... they were my saving grace at that awful time of my life)
 
I will never forget. 
 
Soon, most of the people left, but some of us remained for another quick meeting, and while I was sitting there, minding my own business, watching the sun go down, still filled with emotion as a result of my experience with Lemon, our hosts therapy dog who I had petted a few times earlier whenever she passed by, suddenly came up behind me and jumped up with her paws around my neck and head… so playful, knocking my glasses skew, turning my hair into a birds nest and kissing me all over with her exuberant licks... (I wondered if she just knew somehow, that "Patty" needed a loving hug)… I had such a good laugh and felt so special and accepted by her carefree playfulness toward me… toooo wonderful!  I’m so glad that nobody stopped her!  It was another beautiful moment in my day…

We are NEVER completely alone or abandoned to our troubles... if we learn to open our minds and hearts to see, feel and hear during times of troubles, we will know this is true... I KNOW it without doubt!
 
I have been having such terrible sleeping problems due to too much going on in my life just lately and it seems to be getting worse and worse... but last night, I slept 9 hours straight... amazing!  I feel heavy and drained this morning and still a bit tearful today with the lingering effect of the high-emotions of yesterday, but hopefully it will all lift soon.
 
All I know is that I am also left with an overwhelming sense of gratitude for “yesterday”... a most beautiful day indeed
 
~ Pana

~ Posted 16 April 2016 ~

THE BATTLE OF MY LIFE
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
The battle of my life was a bitter one indeed,
A fight to overcome abuse on the inner-battlefield of my need!
All alone I fought the evils of my past,
Every haunting enemy, until I’d killed the last!
But somehow I couldn’t beat them, for the enemy was large,
They advanced on me so often with their mighty battle charge!
The ghosts of the past I called them, with their cruel and nasty ways,
The abusers of the innocent would haunt my future days!
So often I would beat them, but always they’d return,
Just to mock and tease and cause my soul to burn!
But some mighty force within me would put out each blazing fire,
As I grew a little stronger and climbed a little higher.
It was the battlefield of memories and the battlefield of guilt,
Where I fought the strongest enemies in the fortress they had built.
It was very rare indeed for a friend to join me there,
In the battle of my life, most couldn’t understand the fear.
Some would take up arms and join me, but only for a day,
For the battle was too difficult and very few would stay.
Some would stand quite out of reach and hear my desperate shout,
Then throw my words right back at me, in a twisted, teasing clout!
They’re the ones, who claimed my friendship, but never really cared,
The pain they caused was devastating, much more than I had feared!
My battle then was lonely, and never seemed to end,
I had to learn the hard way, there’s only ‘One’ whose aid will send.
When I fell upon my knees before the enemy so strong,
And looked toward the Heavens, begging to heal "the wrong",
My God looked down upon me with mercy in His Eyes,
And helped me win my battle to the enemies’ surprise!
For He would send "true friendship", His Love I can’t deny,
Giving me the strength I needed to stare the enemy in the eye.
For these rare friends stood their ground and fought right there by my side,
A force so strong and mighty, on which I trusted and relied.
They sustained and helped me through the trials that seemed the worst,
My trusting, loyal friends who helped defeat “the curse”.
Understanding, loving friends were the best gifts that I had,
On my battlefield of life, where I fought my past of bad.
With them I could defeat the beast that caused the war,
And leave that awful battlefield, victorious and sure.
 
(11th August 99)

Thank you to all who stood by me over the years and continue to, and all who believe in me and all who have prayed for me - You know who you are, even if I don't know you all... Thank you so much.

Love and gratitude, 
~ Pana

Posted ~ 13 April 2016 ~
 
Flash mobs touch me so deeply that I can hardly contain my emotions when I watch them on videos.  I sometimes wonder what would happen if I ever found myself actually in the midst of one... I am sure, (having had years of experience of how my emotions “happen”) I would be totally overcome with a surge of confused emotions and cry like a baby.  So often, my happy emotions twist into sad emotions in an instant, and I don’t seem to have any control over the switch inside of my head that does that to me.  I try to understand myself and work out why my emotions are triggered so deeply sometimes, but I don’t even think I could possibly ever have all the answers to the conundrum that is in me.
I’ve attempted to explain below, what I think happens.
After watching a Flash mob video on YouTube, of people singing in a Russian supermarket called, Kalinka Flashmob in Kaliningrad, Russia, I had tears streaming down my face, laughing and crying at the same time... Am I crazy or what? 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8nvPjKMDh0
 
This is what I wrote down afterwards, with the intention of trying to explain the overwhelmingly deep surge of emotions to myself:
 
Flash mobs always draw the deepest emotions of gratitude and joy out of me... I don't know what it is about them exactly and I wonder how many others are triggered to feel the same way about them as I do... surely there are many... and the question is, Why?
                                                                                    
I believe that something so powerful happens on a “spiritual level” in the moment when the Flash mob starts... a moment in time where everyone around stops in total surprise and fascination... “What's happening?”   A sense of dawning, and then excitement to be a part of what they are witnessing... anticipation of "What's going to happen next".  Were the actions of a gradually growing group of “well-rehearsed people” are able to evoke such an incredibly “united positive force” of emotional reaction from a random crowd of diverse onlookers, instantly uniting them all in a moment of awe and wonder... joy and peace...
 
And then... as quickly as it all started, it's over, and everyone who was there cheers... a moment of genuine gratitude for the actions of their fellow man... for “the gift” they have just received from strangers, who had only moments before touched their hearts and lives...
 
And then everyone goes on with their lives... but everyone has been changed, even if for that brief moment in time only... or maybe forever as the memories linger and create something new and beautiful in each mind and heart... lifting the consciousness of those who were there to a more transcendent level.
 
Then I think of those who were on the outskirts of the crowd... getting on with their “ordinary lives”... those who missed the Flash mob... untouched... unmoved in the moment... just getting on with their ordinary  lives. 
 
This reminds me of how important it is for us to open our minds and hearts to all that is good, beautiful, right and true around us, no matter what situation we find ourselves in... noticing, acknowledging, absorbing, appreciating and rejoicing in all the little beautiful moments in time that could move us, reassure us, open our minds and hearts and lift us to become that which is greater than what is already.
 
“There's always more”... even Viktor Frankl in all his time in the concentration camp during the Holocaust, noticed the sunsets, birds, flowers and the beauty around him... especially when the immense sufferings he and his inmates endured, caused them to be united even more closely in an ever deepening bond of “unconditional love” that created a greater sense of responsibility towards each other and towards living and life in general.
 
One of my favourite Logotherapy quotes:
 
“In life the opportunities to address oneself to this or that group of values vary from hour to hour. Sometimes life demands of us the realization of creative values; at other times we feel it necessary to turn to the category of experiential values. At one time we are called upon, as it were, to enrich the world by our actions, another time to enrich ourselves by our experiences. Sometimes the demands of the hour may be fulfilled by an act, at another time by our surrendering to the glory of an experience. Man can be “obligated” to experience joy. In this sense a person sitting in a streetcar who has the opportunity to watch a wonderful sunset, or to breathe in the rich scent of flowering acacias, and who instead goes on reading his newspaper, could at such a moment be accused of being neglectful toward his obligations” (Frankl 1986:45) ~ The Doctor and the Soul
 
Below I have added two more examples of how easy it is to bring out the joyful and carefree spirit in others, and how easy it is to unite strangers as friends, even in a brief moment in time.  To me these are so beautiful and I wish with all my heart there was more of this “happiness” going around. 
 
Maybe it is my inner-child sprit (Patty) who is yearning for what never was in her childhood and has often been a struggle to find in my adulthood... I don’t know. 
 
With this train video, which absolutely delights me as does the piano one following it, I wonder what I would have done if I was on that train that day... would I have been able to let down my guard and would I have been able to find the confidence in me, to stand up and dance with the other passengers also, or would I have been like the people who remained in their seats, possibly shutting myself off from the joy, because it might have overwhelmed me to feel that freedom to be “me” in the moment... I just don’t know. 
 
There was a man telling everyone to dance... expecting everyone to dance... and that would have scared me and I might have felt very self-conscious... I might have felt a fool, because someone expected something of me.  My abusers always expected more from me than I ever would have been able to give, and so, when people have expectations of me, I shut down and cease to function on any level of confidence and I am unable to perform normally... whatever normal means anyway!
 
I know I do love to dance and laugh and be happy, but I have never felt totally free to do or be any of these, other than in brief and rare moments in time, especially times spent with my children, grandchildren and family. 
 
This video also sent my emotions rocketing and made me cry.
 
Perth Train Party Video v2!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRa8kuD898M
 
For sure though, if I saw that Piano staircase, I would have used it, danced on it and “Patty” would have surfaced, freely to enjoy it. 
 
So what is the difference...
 
Nobody would have told me I have to... nobody would have been standing there expecting me to do it.  I would not have felt the judgement of others before I had even started, or cared about the strangers passing by... Patty would have been freed in the moment and I probably would have giggled and laughed as I danced up and down those stairs... no tears this time!
 
I wish there was more of this too.
 
For Good Health... Piano Stairs..creative engineering
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0lHPRWf9co
 
Thank you for reading and I’m grateful for your sharing with me today.
 
~ Pana