My God Stood at My Door

​This is going to be another long one… apologies in advance and my thanks to those very rare and beautiful who take the time to read my long life-stories.  Thank you for Liking my posts to let me know that you are there… that I’m not alone.  And thank you also for the very rare, supportive and uplifting comments… they also mean so much to me.  I am grateful for you all who stand by me here.
 
11 December 21 – There was so much depression after hearing that my family was going to be leaving the country.  On one evening when the tears wouldn’t stop, I wrote:
 
FADING-WEEPING-TEDDY BEARS
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How must I bear this dreadful pain
Of my children leaving home again
This time further than before
Why would Life just go and pile on more
How strong does God believe I am
Will anything ever be the same
The shifting, SHOUTING, sands of time
And I’m left, my pain to mime
No one sees, or hears, or cares
FADING-WEEPING-TEDDY BEARS.
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(11 December 2021)
 
I pondered the title wording of this poem over a few days and realised that my deep pain belongs to my inner child… the one who sees my children as her friends… her comfort during the storms of life… her teddy bears… and I reasoned and understood that this was not a healthy connection with my children… it was not on the adult functioning level of my being.  This was something I need to consider in connection to my pain of losing their presence in my life… a new area I NEED to be working on over the years to come, but especially now during this time of separation anxiety and the grieving pain that seems to connect to it.
 
I asked my family not to tell me when they were going… I imagined February, but while I didn’t know, I was able to function better without the “goodbye-grieving-spirit” possessing me and draining me of oxygen, life and joy.  I am so grateful that they honoured my request.
 
A month ago, in a moment of depression-desperation, I reached out to the online Logotherapist who has been there for me over the last 7 years.  I don’t need her help often, but when I do, I am generally in a really bad way and not coping… I feel completely out of control.
 
Dear lovely Marylyn,
 
How are you for time this week and maybe next? I might need you. I feel like I'm losing it, but hanging on for dear life with Christmas coming... need to be strong for my family and grandchildren. Otherwise, I will maybe speak to Teria if you're very busy... I'm very busy, so I understand that you probably will be also.
 
What a crazy time of the year and I never do well with Christmas build-up as it is... but this time, my wonderful 2nd son, lovely daughter in law and 3 beloved grandchildren are preparing to leave for England in February... this might be our last Christmas together... I'm in a state of mourning and can't shake it... but the girls are coming to cook dolmades with me today, with their mom, so I have to pull myself towards myself for now... the tears just don't seem to want to stop! I will take a Rescue before they get here.
 
Anyway, no need for you to respond now, because I can't let myself go there right now... I have to get really busy to prepare for our cooking day together and try stay strong for them... killer stuff!!! The urge to hurt myself for relief from this extreme emotional pain is back... but I am sure I won't go there... but that's just how bad it feels... as if there's been a death...
 
I will check from tomorrow if you have responded. I think I just need the reassurance of not feeling alone with this...
 
Lots of love to you and gratitude...
 
Marylyn responded
 
Dearest Pan
 
No, you are not alone... I am with you through this journey. It is incredibly difficult to support the decision of your son and daughter in law (which I have no doubt that you do)... and yet feel bereft, hollow and distraught at their choice.
 
But as with all Logotherapists... we know that we need to search for what this means for them and for us. Who knows dear Pan... that you may have the chance to visit them in the future. It takes huge courage to leave the familiar territory of home, especially with 3 children... and yet... your son is going to take this leap... because he has you, his mother, as his role model.
 
He has been witness to how you are a fighter and how you have overcome huge challenges and still live with the challenges on so many fronts. But does this deter you in any way?
 
You know the answer dearest Pan... Absolutely not! Like mother... like son...
 
So whilst the heart of a mother weeps... the stamina of determination allows him to move forward... as he must... for the sake of his family.
 
You are never alone dear Pan... the road ahead is going to be bumpy... but then you know bumpy, you know potholes that swallow you for periods... but you always rise again Pan...
 
So, trust in the rising...
 
…Return here whenever you choose and write the words from your heart in this sacred corner …it belongs to you…
 
Warmly Marylyn
 
I responded
Dearest Marylyn,
 
Nobody but Teria could say the right words like you do. By the time my daughter in law, son and one granddaughter arrived on Monday afternoon to help me make dolmades for Christmas... (my daughter in law said she needed to learn how to do them, because they all love them so much)... so by the time they came, I had worked so hard already to prepare for them, and taken a Rescue calming tablet and my sadness had completely disappeared while they were here... it was like night and day! So, I know that it is an inner child's sadness...
 
HISTORY OF MY CONNECTION WITH MY CHILDREN AND THE THREAT OF THEM LEAVING ME
Just a brief poetic history of my immense grieving struggle connected to my children leaving me.  When they were young adults and each started to leave home, I struggled just as I am now with my son and family leaving soon.  I wrote poems of the pain I suffered back then… they might help the reader to understand my current struggles…
 
During all the years of hardships and abuse inflicted on me/us in my two marriages, my children were my strength, inspiration, motivation and most importantly, my reason for living… so, it’s safe to say, that my bond with them was very strong! (Perhaps, too strong).
 
I wrote during difficult times where I felt I could no longer go on:
 
MY REASON TO GO ON!
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Oh yes, my beloved children
How I long to escape the worries of this world
To be released of all my responsibilities here
No more worries, no more cares
No more trials and no more fears
No more pains and no more tears
To just turn out the light of day
And find my spirit gently drifting away
To another place, another time
To be freed at last from this life that’s mine…
 
But naught could make me leave right now
While I have you, I have to stay
A mother’s love, her sacrifice
To not let go!  To never give up
To stay on here… I choose it thus
Though living has often proved to be a curse indeed
Cruel and unrelenting in its efforts to destroy
To bring me down and to annoy
But life with you my beloved children is oh, so sweet
No tempting rest at Heaven’s gate
No other great and wondering desires beyond my love for you
All life upon this earth, for me is made worthwhile because of you
So, I shall never will myself to leave to a place of blissful peace
Because my utter joy; my whole reason for going on
Is made complete in my unconditional love for you.
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(24th August 2000)
 
I WILL NOT DROWN!
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SUFFOCATING!  No air to breathe
Drowning just beneath the waves
I can see LOVES rays penetrating the surface
Where I cannot reach
No matter how hard I try
For every time I struggle closer
The waves beat more and more
And sometimes I almost give up
Thinking, what is this struggling for
Beneath me the sea is dark and deep
Above love tries to shine through
And the more the waves try to push me down
The more I remember you.
 
My children sailing up above
On seas that are rough and wild
And I know that’s where this mother should be
Calming the waves for her child
So, the darkness that tugs me to the dreadful deep
Must never win its fight
For I’ll struggle on, and never give up
If I’m to reach that saving light
For in that moment where I touch the surface again
I know that the waves will cease
And I can board that lovely ship once more
With my children, where there is peace
So, I will not give up when the storms beat strong
And I’m tossed again into the sea
For my children still need me
And I must return
To where this mother should be
 
“Be strong!” I call… “Be patient for me
For my seas are quite stormy, it’s true
But I will not drown while you need me still
Because I’ll never stop loving you!”
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(28 October 2004)
 
RISE UP, DEAR MOTHER!
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I’m battling to stay awake
Battling to stay alive
Sleep tries to steal what’s left of me
As I struggle, just to survive
 
I must be strong – I must be strong
My children need me still
Something’s trying to draw life away
As if I’m drugged by a strong sleeping pill
 
I’m weak and so tired, with a heavy head
And a heavy heart as well
Everywhere in pain!  Joints aching sore
As if poisoned by an evil spell
 
Sadness has caused this dreadful state
Emotions soar out of control
I must be strong – I must be strong
Before it takes its toll
 
***
Rise up, dear mother
And do your best
As you have always done
Tomorrow is another day
Gird the strength to carry on!
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(29 October 2004)
 
When they started to grow up and didn’t need me as much anymore and when they gradually began to leave home… I struggled awfully with Empty Nest Syndrome.
 
THE GROWN-UP SEA!
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How I’m craving for those loving hugs again the way they used to be
It seems as though we’re drifting apart on the currents of the ‘Grown Up Sea’
I frantically reach to pull you back, but it’s never quite the same
For the winds of change keep blowing and they’re too strong for me to tame
Where is my little baby who used to sail willingly with me
I felt so loved and needed then; my mother’s heart sailed free
But now I’m bound by the troubled tides, for my baby's big and tall
A mother’s song upon the breeze blows the waves that call for more
How I long to hold my baby once more upon that gently rocking sea
Being your mother was a glorious ship, designed especially for me
But to see you drifting further each day has caused my dream ship to fade
And the storm is beating mightily, upon this raft where I’m now laid
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(12 June 2002)
 
A MOTHER’S SOUL GRIEVES!
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It was so easy to find my joy then
In the lovely happy faces of my babies
It took so little effort to create their smiles
To greatly broaden my own
 
What joy it was to hear their laughter
To see their little faces, break into joyous delight
(Just like watching a beautiful sunrise on a fresh spring morning,
camping, carefree in a peaceful and heavenly place.)
 
How joyful it was to my soul to be needed so much
To be called on so often to give of my love
How wonderful it was to be so loved
I felt so fulfilled and happy then
 
How much strength they gave to my heart
And desire they gave to my life
How I long for my little ones now
But, my babies have grown…
 
And a mother’s soul grieves!
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(29 August 2004)
 
3 January 22, I shared via WhatsApp

Graeme (my oldest son, Benjamin's fiancée’s son) is hilarious! I am sitting there this morning feeling very sorry for myself due to memories of a most wonderful evening out last night with ALL my children and grandchildren together for the first time in a very long time and maybe the last ever in my lifetime, and deep sadness that everyone is leaving soon... and in Graeme walks... just woken up (the other children still fast asleep)... No "Good morning" or anything... but... "Do you want to wear my headrest?"... proceeds to pull off my glasses as if he didn't even notice my tears pouring down my cheeks, and shoves his Pikachu over my head... it nearly strangled me as it wipes away my tears... but man, it was such a ridiculous moment I forgot how sad I was and just laughed... children are so darned funny!!! Just what the Dr ordered!!!
 
I LOVE MY GRANDCHILDREN SO MUCH FOREVER  Seriously too funny...
 
I believe the angels work through the innocent authenticity and love of children to touch lives, heal and uplift...
 
Graeme and his Pikachu wiped the tears clean off of my face!
 
On the 5 January, I wrote on Facebook
 
Striving for a state of happiness...
 
Happy for my family who are moving far-far-away from the troubles of this country to a much better future for my beloved grandchildren.
 
Sadness might continue to intervene and drain me, but I'm choosing MY BATTLE FOR HAPPINESS...
 
Sadness gradually kills...
 
Happiness saves...
 
Doing my best, because sadness really doesn't feel good at all! It drains one of every ounce of energy... messes with work and sensibility... blocks concentration... sucks the very life out of a person... damages the spirit... and it even makes one's face feel ugly!
 
ENOUGH ALREADY!!!
 
It amazes me how Life always takes care of me during the most difficult of times… for instance, keeping me too busy to lose myself in the depressive states, etc.   
 
There was Christmas… always an overwhelming time for me… too busy… too much expected… etc.   
 
My Cape Town son and family came to visit in my tiny house… it was hectic here, but wonderful at the same time.  Everything was so crowded and crazy, but also a longed-for time together, fulfilled, to see and be with them all again… They arrived on the 15 December 21 and left 4 January 22… they weren’t here the entire time, but were at the start and the end of that time. 

There’s been tons of rain, which also means my garden has been overgrown and needs constant attention and extra work.  That’s also kept me very busy and it is still growing strong.  All this time, my helper has been away on holiday and I’ve had to do it all alone.  I have a younger son who does not help much… he's too into his gaming and that alone can drag me down considerably and literally drain me when he is lounging around on his days off of work.  I wish I also had some lounge around time, but I always seem to be busy with something, so for me, some help would make so much difference. 
 
Around the end of December, my boss Teria, asked me to assist her with a Basic course student.  I immediately let her know (as I'd done more than once before), that I am NOT up to working in the Basic course, but this time, she ignored my protests and insisted.  From the moment I agreed, because I realised she was NOT going to let it go, my sadness-tears seemed to subside dramatically… I do believe that she knew that to help me out of my sadness, she needed to give me something else to think about and to concentrate on… and it worked.  She’s amazing!  I’m still not at all confident with the call, but the student seems to be so humble and ready to work that I am feeling drawn into being there for him.  Having meaning in life really does work to pull people out of their existential vacuums states!
 
On and off, my 2nd son and family have been bringing me loads of stuff that they are not taking with them when they move… that has been WONDERFUL!, but also created a huge amount of work in my small home… trying to find place for everything… going through stuff… What of my old things can be thrown out or given away so that the new can replace it, etc. This even involved getting rid of some very old furniture for new and better stuff to fit in.  Now, I will very much like to buy two new white cupboards to really be able to arrange my house with more order… they could cost as much as R4000 altogether…
 
I’m just putting it out there for just in case… no pressure… if anyone can assist to raise those funds, please could you make your "donation" to:

Account Holder:  Panayiota Ryall
First National Bank
Account Number: 62920892131
Branch code: 250655
Swift code:  FIRNZAJJ
 
I cancelled my old Business account which I shared on previous blog posts over the years, because it was costing me too much.  Above is my new account number.

or, you could make a donation through "Exchange for Free" where I am already listed.

Please reference any donations as "Donation"... thank you.
 
On the 15 December 21, I did my first Logotherapy Dream Interpretation, Zoom presentation for a Logotherapy Advanced course study group in Israel.  I was scared, but I did it anyway, and I believe it went off well.  It was suggested that I give students more time to answer my questions, so that’s something I need to be more aware of next time.  It was the very first time I actually deliberately asked questions, but I didn’t handle the awkward silences well… next time I will wait longer for responses… give them time to think about what I’d asked. I feel so good that I did this presentation... I have come so far! 
 
15 January 22, I wrote on Facebook
WOW!  So, yesterday I received an email from a lady connected to a Logotherapy group in Georgia, Russia, inviting me to be a guest speaker... EEEK!  Haahaaa! 
 
Who, me??? 😳
 
It's the craziest thing ever!  So, it will be another Zoom presentation that I will give on Logotherapy Dream Interpretation.  I told her to give me a month, because I'm not sure I can take on more at this time with my son and family leaving soon... I'm just keeping it together right now, mostly by working myself to a standstill each day!  I’m getting a lot done, so I'm not complaining, but it's exhausting to say the least!  (House and garden are taking up a HUGE amount of my time, and thankfully my work with VFISA has not been too stressful, which has been a true blessing. 
 
Anyway, I thought about how nervous I get giving presentations... how much confidence I lack... I thought about how much courage it takes me to say "Yes"... and I did... I said "Yes"... even though I have no idea how it will work out... Will I make a fool of myself?  Will people ask me questions that I won't be able to answer because my mind goes blank in an instant!... and so on and so forth!!!
 
But I kept coming to the same conclusion... I just have to say "Yes" to Life, because I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt, that my life was meant to go in this direction, regardless of my insecurities and fears... That this is what my life has always meant to be and become, and I would totally fail my Life's Calling if I dared to say "No"... so it's more important that I DARE... to say "Yes" and just trust in the outcome... That Life sent this to me and I must receive it and step into it willingly and BRAVELY.    
 
So, before I went to sleep last night, I found myself writing the following:
 
I Want to Know I Made a Difference
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I want to know when my time is done
And my life has been set free
That I’ve left a part of MY LOVE behind
In hearts… as it should be
That I have made a difference
And left some light to shine
That people will remember me
And know, that light is mine
I want to know when I am gone
That healing, I had brought
And it will continue after me
As beautifully as it ought
Please let my absence be worthy
Of memories lovely and true
Because I made some difference
In inspiring the heart of you.
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(14 January 2022)
 
Goodnight beautiful world and lots of love ❤ ❤ ❤
 
19 January 22, I wrote on Facebook
 
My son and family left for England tonight... (crying)
 
There is a new world beginning from tonight...
 
I'm off to sleep... Goodnight, everyone ❤
 
January 20, I wrote on Facebook
 
I love and appreciate my Facebook friends so much... you have no idea what a strength you all are to me.
 
I've woken very tearful... splitting headache... less than 6 hours assisted sleep... eyes swollen and hard to see through... feeling terrible... but...
 
Your LOVING CARE last night helped me to settle down by just after 11pm.
 
I only wrote, because I felt it was a safe place to share my pain, where I knew that someone would show their care by the morning... it was late, so I was just going to switch off and wait till I woke for the hug that I so desperately needed...
 
But, before I had a chance to switch off, I could already see the acknowledgments being sent and the messages already being written... how did I ever get so blessed...
 
I sat quietly just staring into the screen... I felt like I was on sacred ground with you all... I can't explain it any better than that. I didn't have the energy to respond to each of you individually... I still don't... it's like that post is untouchable, because it was written with so much deep pain... yet also, hope in a moment of hopelessness...
 
I needed to express how I felt about you all before I could sleep... so, although it's not great poetry, this is what I wrote:
 
My God Stood at My Door
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My soul felt torn to pieces
This night, I heard they’d gone
Bitter tears rose up once more
Whilst the Light of Angels Shone
I reached out to my friends on FB
To share my hurt so sore
Hoping to find at least one HUG there
Or maybe a little more
I’d hardly posted what I’d written
When comforting HUGS were sent my way
And I was reminded, “I’m not alone”
To face this hurting day
I received each HUG in reverence
Silently and with awe
As the Angels held me in Their Arms
And my God stood at my door.
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(19 January 2022)
 
Thank you for being my friends
 
No need to respond... I don't feel strong for today, but have started this year with strong feelings that I am going to realise my dreams this year and that I am going to progress and grow and be successful in all that I do... so I have so much still to look forward to... I'll be okay and with you all by my side... I KNOW... I WILL be okay... I love you
 
Later in the day I wrote
 
My son video called from a hotel room in England at 2pm... I immediately told him that the video was not a good idea as the torrential tears burst forth yet again...
 
They were all lying down to sleep... they had not slept well on the plane. They were in good spirits. My poor granddaughter, Ashley was lying next to him, and saw my ugly-cry face, but they were both so sweet about it and kept on smiling and telling me how they'd love to see me visit there in the next 6 months.
 
There is some relief after talking to them and knowing they've arrived safely. They are all dressed up warmly there... 
 
Such a strange world I live in...

I also called for help with getting my house cleaned up today, and a really sweet lady named Yvonne came to assist me.  Just having some order and everything looking clean and tidy again was a huge help and healer!  I went to sleep feeling a whole lot better last night.
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~ Panayiota