Petrol fund covered
I just had to let you know that by yesterday, I had not been able to raise any funds for getting too and from the student workshops next month and I was getting really worried.  I even wrote a letter to our accountant to ask if he would let me have my end of year bonus at the start of November, but I chickened out, feeling embarrassed about asking, and deleted it without sending, thinking I’d wait a few more days first. 
 
Then during the afternoon, I received a WhatsApp message with news of a most beautiful blessing that would cover the costs of my traveling expenses.  I am truly very grateful and feel so relieved and once again, very blessed and loved by LIFE.

​Cosmetic surgery fund
As for the cosmetic surgery I am still hoping to raise funds for, I started to doubt myself and this dream when I did not receive any response to my last post.  Like… who am I kidding!  But I don’t know what happened as I wrestled with the whole notion of not only the possibility of my body looking good again one day by having the excess skin removed, but also, by the thought of maybe, one day, really finding true love… I argued with myself, because, how could I ever trust the love of a man again… how could I even believe that there was someone out there for me… I remember the beautiful song I love… “Somewhere out there” from the film, “An American Tail”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkI-B2JWSZI
 
There is hope… there has to be hope still… there is always, ALWAYS HOPE.
 
I cannot allow the negative voices from my past to continue to convince me that I am not worthy of love, or to look and feel really good in my own skin, etc. 
 
And so, I have decided, that even if I go to my grave with this dream never having come true, I would also go to my grave, having never given up on it.
 
Once again, I appeal for help, to raise anything between R20 000, to R100 000 for the cosmetic surgery
I would need.  R20 000 would cover the abdominoplasty operation which is so very important for me to get done. Even if it was the only operation I could ever raise funds for, I’d be grateful for the rest of my life to have that horrible, ugly loose skin removed. 
 
R100 000 is what I believe will cover all the operations I would like done… after the abdomen, I’d ask for the loose skin on my arms to be done… and then a boob lift… after that, I’d decide on a thigh skin reduction and face lift… in that order of priority as I imagine it all happening at this time.  But right now, the abdominoplasty is my top priority.
 
Having something to dream about gives my life meaning.  It gives me something to believe in and hope for, so it is good for my soul.  I therefore chose to never give up on my dreams.  If it is meant to be, then it will be… if not… then I will accept that and be content as I leave this world one day, with whatever dreams yet still unfulfilled, so long as I can say with my dying breath… I never gave up on them.
 
My daughter in law bought me a beautifully fitting sports bra a week or so ago and oh my goodness me, what a difference it made to the way I look… like day and night!  I sent her a picture first, of the “after” … with the bra on and it actually looked really great… and then a picture of the “before” without it… she had such a good laugh (cheeky girl!) which had me laughing so much too… I still laugh when I think about her reaction!  There is no ways I’d feel comfortable sharing my life with a man the way I look now.
 
Thank you for sharing with me,
 
Gratefully,
Panayiota 

Friday, 12 October 2018
I posted on my Facebook page and on our community Facebook page am:
PLEASE HELP BABY BIRD... Does anyone know someone in our area who knows how to rear a baby bird?  A little dove fell out of its’ nest during the night... had a big ball of poop the size of a small chicken’s egg stuck to its tail end feathers, so I had to pick it up to cut that off. Its’ mother sat nearby on the wall calmly watching me, but I haven't seen her since I left the baby exactly where I found it in my herb pot under the tree.  Later in the day, I went out and gave it water to drink, and now I've cooked mielie meal in case I need to feed it (I don’t have seeds).  Tomorrow I have to be out most of the day to visit with my friend for us to go and choose our prize-winning clothes.  A huge rainstorm is predicted to arrive from tonight and all day tomorrow, so it can’t be left alone in the pot.  Please someone, help (Would you be prepared to take the little bird in for the day even, to at least give it water and try to feed it to keep it alive until I'm back).
 
The little bird was about the size of my fist… only just starting to develop its flight feathers.  It was still very much reliant on its mother and needed to get back to its’ nest, but it was too high up and therefore impossible to get it back there without a very long ladder which I didn’t have.  My neighbours were working on a car out the front all day, so I believed that their presence is what kept the mother bird from returning.
 
During the day, one of my Facebook friends put me onto someone who gave me a contact in my area.  A bird-lady came to pick up the little bird much later in the day.   But all through the day while I was still trying to find help for the little one, I was worrying about the impending storm and the baby bird alone in my herb pot under the tree that it fell out of.  I struggled greatly as I kept checking very quietly through the net curtains, (without moving them)… hoping that I would see the mother bird coming to feed her baby. 
 
My nurturing side was stretched to my limits… I had no way to save the little bird from its loneliness.  I knew that if I interfered with it again, it would have no chance of its’ mother’s return. 
 
“Why had she not come back?” I agonized… “Had I missed her in-between my checks through the curtain?” 
 
I worried all day long, that the cat that frequently visits our yard, would return.  This made me feel very disturbed that the little bird was in danger.  I tried to get my work done but was far too distracted by my worries to do much.  A heavy, chilly wind also picked up during the day and I knew that the little bird must have been cold without its mother.  Late afternoon, when I couldn’t bear it anymore, I went and fed the baby a little mielie-meal… not very successfully… it only swallowed less than a pea size… its crop was completely empty at the time, so my fears that the mother bird had not been there to feed it were confirmed.  I surrounded it with dried leaves to try and keep it warm and gave it some water which it drank thirstily.  I dropped birdseed that I had asked another neighbour for into the herb pot around the little bird in the hopes that it would be big enough to eat, or that its’ mother would be attracted by the seed to her baby. 
 
It was late in the day, and arrangements had been made… the bird-lady was already on her way to pick up the baby, and by then, the neighbours who had been out the front most of the day, had finally gone inside and it was at last quiet and still outside, except for the icy wind…….. and lo and behold, the mother dove then returned to her baby, and even another bigger dove was with her, so I presume that was the daddy.  They jumped into the herb pot and the mother dove ate and fed her baby over and over and while she was eating, the baby snuggled under the warmth of her wings. 
 
I cannot begin to tell you what a dilemma that created for my mommy heart, because I knew that soon her baby would be taken away for the sake of its’ safety, because the big storm was still threatening. 
 
The mother kept flying up to her nest and calling her baby which kept jumping up the edges of the pot trying to get to her, but to no avail.  I worried that it would fall out again.  It was getting dark and I could see that the mother bird was totally flustered, not knowing what to do to help her baby up. 
 
Once during the day, the baby had managed to jump over the edge of the pot which was about a meter off of the ground, and had landed in another container on the ground that had about an inch of water in it… so the poor thing had been in that water for anything up to an hour when I found it and put it back in the herb-pot.  I just didn’t know what else to do!  All I knew, was that it had to be ‘alone’ where the mother bird last saw it for it to have the best chance of survival.  The cold bricks on the ground below would not have been a suitable place for the little one.  At least the pot with soil and herbs in it provided more shelter than the bricks would have.
 
The mother and father weren’t with the baby when the bird-lady arrived, but by then, my heart was breaking, and I felt so confused about what was right and what was wrong for the little bird.  The bird-lady agreed that it was not possible to get the baby back up to its nest and promised to do her best to take care of it.  As I handed the baby over to the lady, I experienced a flashback of note and burst into helpless sobbing.  I tried to explain to her what I thought was happening, but I was crying so uncontrollably that I don’t know if I made any sense at all.  She was very compassionate about my state and I felt extremely comforted by her gentle way of dealing with what she had not expected to happen.  I literally cried as if a loved one had just died…
 
I was grieving a very painful loss from my past… an absolute sense of helplessness…
 
When I later pondered on what had happened during the flashback, I knew exactly where it came from in my past.  I had somehow connected the helplessness I had felt all day long for the little bird, with the helplessness I felt as a child, being unable to rescue or help my little sister when she was being abused.  It’s all a very long story that I share in my book, and also try to explain in a little therapy story I once wrote that I hope will be published someday soon.  The title of that little book is, “Escape from the Violent Storms”.
 
As part of my unedited introduction to this therapy story, I wrote: ©
Patty tells her story in a metaphorical style which is indicative of the creative mindset she developed to help her survive over the years.
 
All through the years of her life, Patty was never able to find the sad little girl who cried mournfully in the haunted mansion, and she was never quite sure who the little girl might be. I have wondered (as I’ve gone through therapy in my adulthood and learned to understand things a little better), if perhaps the sad little girl could have been Patty’s own unhappy and frightened inner-child relentlessly crying out for help and love from a deep, dark, broken place that still existed inside of her adult self. Another thought on the sad little girl’s mournful wails may possibly have been haunting memories that Patty had stored in her mind during states of dissociation after being raped by her stepfather and placed alone in a bath to wash all his evidence off, and then hearing her little sisters cries perhaps as she too suffered at the cruel hands of their stepfather, or, if it was indeed her sister’s cries, they may have been a desperate intended plea for Patty to come do something to help save her, but Patty couldn’t at the time, due to having escaped from her own sufferings by dissociating, to preserve her ‘self’, therefore not being able to come back quickly enough to rescue her sister.
 
I will probably never know, because all through my life, the sad little girls crying has always been just too distant for me to ever find her so that I could see who she was and rescue her! I just haven’t been able to do it on my own, and it was only through the intensive therapy process that I have been so blessed to receive over the last few years that the sad little girl eventually stopped crying and Patty was finally able to stop searching for her.
 
As part of my actual unedited therapy story, I wrote: ©
Often when Patty was feeling very lonely and sad, she would start to hear a mournful, muffled, bitter, crying voice of a small child echoing through the darkness from somewhere in the mansion. She wanted to help the melancholy child, but no matter how far she searched down the dark and frightening corridors, she could never find the right door that would lead to where the sad child was.
 
Sometimes Patty was sure she was close to finding the crying child, but when she tried to open the tall black doors, they were always locked, and when she banged hard on the doors and called to the child, the crying would stop for a while, and then return as if in a far distance, echoing again with an eerie sadness, from some other dark and lonely place in the mansion.
 
Deep down, I think that I know that it was my little sister who I could not save from her sufferings.  I was too small, or too far away in my dissociation-escape to be able to do anything to rescue her from my stepfather, and if she was being beaten by our mother, I had no chance at all of rescuing her… I was too small and far too afraid to dare to defy mother during or even after one of her vicious attacks on us… and so, as a result, I was haunted repeatedly for almost the entire 50 years of my life by the little girls wailing cries, because, I had no way to ever reach her, to help her.  I know for sure in my heart, that the flashback was a result of this when I handed that little bird over to the bird-lady.  A sense of abject helplessness… yet, even though it triggered overwhelming and uncontrollable tears, I somehow knew, that this lady was here to help… I was not alone… the little bird was now in good, genuinely loving hands and would be safe and warm.  
 
I wonder now, was this a healing opportunity for me.  A moment in time, where someone had come to our rescue…  my sister would be safe and warm… she would be loved and protected from the darkness of the night, the abject aloneness and the frightening storm. 
 
The next morning the bird-lady called to let me know, that although the little bird seemed to be quite strong when she took it, it had died during the night, still in the little ball of feather’s position that it had gone to sleep in.  She did not expect that it had suffered before it died, thankfully.  But on inspecting it after she’d found it dead, she said that there was bruising to its abdomen which had probably been caused in the fall from its’ nest the night before.  And she also suggested that the ball of poop that I’d found stuck to it was not natural and that maybe there was some other problem that caused the little one to die.
 
Hearing that the little bird had died did not evoke any kind of undue sadness for me… The little bird was free.  It would no longer have to suffer anything this world had to throw at it.  It did not die alone outside in the dark and storms of life… it died in a loving, nurturing, warm place… I felt relieved.  Of course, there was some sadness… I felt sad for the mother bird who had come back to feed it the evening before and had tried so hard to call it back to its’ nest.  I would have liked to have heard that it made it… so, I can’t imagine anyone would understand fully… but I felt very relieved also, that it was no longer in danger from this cruel world… the little bird was now safe in its place of death.
 
Another little creature across the Beautiful Rainbow-Bridge, which will greet me someday when I get there.  I too will be free and won’t be alone when I die… I have friends in Heaven.
 
Thank you for sharing with me today.
 
~  Panayiota.

​Warning:  If any of my family, friends, blog readers and colleagues feel that they might be offended by seeing pictures at the end of this post of my skin problem, please give this post a miss, thank you.
 
It’s a long story, but I’d be so very grateful for sponsorship at this time, to have my dream of cosmetic surgery done, and so, I am reaching out for your assistance with this please.  
 
I’ve been seriously lacking sleep just lately over all of this.  I was so looking forward to the Dr’s visit, scheduled for Wednesday 3rd.  My youngest son went with me, and thank goodness he did, because I would have gotten so lost and it was so good to have his company.  He’d traveled that road often, so knew most of the way and we were only a few minutes late, but the Dr was even later as she warned she might be, because she was still operating when we arrived.
 
I’m going to share conversations that I already shared with my friends, because I don’t have a lot of time now as this is the time of the year that I’m marking student’s portfolios and need to keep up with those.  I probably won’t even be able to do much more blogging for a while also, until after the first week of December again.  I’ll see how it goes, but I will keep you updated at least once a week of any funds raised.
 
1st October: (PREPARING FOR DOCTOR’S VISIT)
Facebook conversation: I now need to prepare for Wednesday's Dr's visit and Thursday's presentation. I wanted to show the cosmetic surgeon what I used to look like and why I now have so much ugly loose skin... check out these photos... oh my giddy aunt! I used to be huge! How I survived those really bad-health days, I will NEVER know!  It’s amazing what Logotherapy has done to change so much, my life and health for the better... I am in awe and totally grateful beyond words!

Picture of me in 2011 - I'm sure I weighed well over 130 kilograms (kg's) at that time

My mentor, Teria and I in Israel where I presented to two groups there in 2012... it was totally life-changing time for me.

One year, I had already lost a whole lot of weight when I visited my lovely little sister in Dallas, Texas in 2013, where I presented at the 19th World Congress of Logotherapy there. 

Friends typed responses: (AFTER SEEING THESE PHOTOS)
PC: You are. Amazing! In so many ways.  💕
CE: Awesome my friend... You have done really well with losing weight ❤️
CSL: So proud of you Panny!!!
HH: Yup!! So very proud of you. You have come a long way. Love you ❤xxx
IP: Really proud of how far you have come. Keep reaching for the stars. You look incredible
AM: No. Matter how "small" you become your heart always stayed the same. Such an inspiration to us.
 
Good news: (BLESSED WITH A CLOTHE’S SHOPPING SPREE)
A dear friend (MAF) entered a competition and won R5000 for her and a friend (me) to share… R2500 each for new clothing!  What an incredible blessing.  I will have new, well-fitting and smart cloths for the students’ workshops in November.  I’m so excited!  We will make a plan to go on our shopping trip together soon.  This to me is what I believe is a miracle, because new smart-clothes are so needed at this time.  I’ve always said that I have lived a “Charmed Life”, because no matter how bad it ever got, the blessings, miracles and tender mercies never ceased to come and bless me in the midst of it all.  There are no words for my gratitude for this.
 
2nd October: (VERY ANXIOUS)
Facebook conversation: So, this is me right now... explosive anxiety over Dr's visit tomorrow... Will let you all know how it goes... <3 If you do any praying, I could do with some prayers right now... thanks <3 <3 <3

​Friends typed responses and some of mine:
VVDM: Please don't be anxious. Look at it as a gift to yourself. You are in my prayers and thoughts, but don't stress, the doctor knows what she's doing and it's a journey and you will come out the other side so proud of yourself ♥
Panayiota: Trying not to be anxious my dearest (V), but my head has a way of playing tricks on me! Working on it though, because I KNOW this is a gift from Life at this time and that all will be well... but that doesn't stop my inner-beings from throwing their own thoughts on the subject around in my head! A good night’s sleep would help... hopefully tonight.
MJVV: Everything's going to be o.k!
VVDM: ♪ ♪ Don't worry, about a thing, cos every little thing's gonna be alright ♪ ♪ Not my words, Bob Marley's :D
CM: My thoughts & prayers are with you my friend... HUGE BIG HUG to you from me... Love you lots ❤️🤗
MAF: Good luck. Treat this as another adventure on your life journey. So excited for you. 😘❤
DRC: You are beautiful regardless my Pana.. you deserve this! MA has a great approach xxx love you
 
WhatsApp conversation with a close friend and Logotherapist
Panayiota: …I haven’t slept properly for days on end, worrying about this cosmetic surgery.  In my mind, I can’t separate the fact that it’s only a doctor’s visit from the operation.  I’ve already played the operation scenario over in my head so many times that for me, it’s like I’m going straight in for the operation.  So, I can’t separate that… even logically, I am talking about it right now, but logically it’s not going into my head that way, but I think it’s getting there.
DRC:  I think you are preparing yourself in advance for the operation even though it is not taking place at the Dr’s visit.  The op will follow, so even though you are not having it now you know you are going to have it, so you are mentally preparing yourself in advance.
Panayiota:  Absolutely… even throwing what I’ll need in a suitcase already!  Took down my hospital box and selected summer nighties from there and found two brand new pairs of white panties.  They were a gift many years ago that were too small, but now they fit perfectly… YAY!  My current underclothes are embarrassingly in tatters!  Logic tells me it’s a long time away, but something else has kicked in causing extreme restlessness and lack of sleep… BE PREPARED!
DRC: Oh, my friend… it’s taking you out of your comfort zone, your safe place.  Your routine and work will also be slightly compromised.  There are a lot of unknowns and also risks as there are in every operation.  You will also be under an aesthetic, so perhaps all these things are at the back of your mind.  There may be a fear of being exposed.  There is also the recovery process.  Also worry about your son and dog left at home.  I think if you feel well prepared then it will reduce your anxiety.  I remember how anxious you were when you went to the “More to Life” weekend.  Having said that, it is also a ‘dream come true’… an opportunity you can’t pass up.  It is almost inevitable that it will take place… so, in order to go through with it, you have to deal with all the fear that comes with it… the preparing is how you deal with it.  Remember that life is there to support you through this, and as much as it’s scary, you have a lot of loved one’s routing for you.  It’s the final step to a ‘new you’… a shedding of the false protective layers of the past.  You are ready for this! 
Panayiota:  Thank you so much.  I really appreciate what you have said, very much.  I’ve tried to think where the fear is coming from.  I think if I look back to my childhood…  my mother moved literally every six months and a year was like the longest period we ever stayed in a home, so, very often we were moving, losing the friends we had, leaving pets behind, sending them away.  You know, even furniture we put sentimental feeling onto… and like my mom’s car (OUR car!), a old green Morris that we called “Old faithful”, that it even took on a life… like a friend to us… One day we were walking home from school and there it was in a garage with a “For Sale” sign on it.  We were horrified and cried so much!  She hadn’t warned us or anything.  So, I think that any new thing… big thing like this, is very frightening for me.  It’s almost like I’m going to lose everything… I must grab everything while I can.  It’s almost like a survival instinct, because it’s too big to contemplate and put in order.  I can’t even explain it fully… it’s quite scary.  So, I have to be very prepared, so like even going to the Dr on Wednesday, I’d leave an hour earlier than I would need to.  I’d rather arrive there an hour earlier and sit and wait than be late.  And I’m already preparing what foods I must take with, what I must do… it’s too much to think about… but all it is, is only a Dr’s visit!  I shouldn’t be scared!  I have a feeling that because it’s a training hospital, I wouldn’t mind if there’s a few students standing around seeing me naked to chat about the skin… I think I will be okay with that… I’m not sure.  But I’m already having intrusive thoughts about being in hospital overnight… maybe being raped and too trapped by pain to help myself (flashbacks)… (tears), so that’s the sort of thing that’s already going through me head!  So, ja, it’s a bit scary!  What’s keeping me going at this time, is marking the student’s portfolios flat out as I am right now.  I feel I should be preparing, but the marking is keeping me sane for now.  Anyway, thank you so much for understanding.  Love you lots.
DRC: (continued to counsel me with her incredible logo-wisdom and it helped so much – she felt it was important that I need to feel safe… to put things into place in advance to help me feel safe when the time comes.  To have someone sit with me at the hospital, accompany me on the entire journey, even the preparation, etc. to help me to feel safe and so I don’t feel alone on this journey, etc. I am sure, that if it was possible, that sure would help me so much. I avoid putting people out, but… a friend in need, is a friend indeed)
 
Posted another post later in the day: (HEALTH CHECK UP)
Facebook conversation: The Dr wanted me to go to have my blood pressure and sugar tested before I visit her tomorrow... so I just got back from the pharmacy sister who is such a sweetheart (I don’t see her very often, but when I do, it’s like visiting with a dear friend)... blood pressure: 134/65 and sugar: 5.3... everything's perfectly ok... :) <3
 
When I remember all the years of very high blood pressures... migraine headaches... water retention... pitting oedema, rapid heartbeat, constant heart palpitations, etc., I am now healthier than ever before, because all of that is gone and I’m also living as if I don’t even have diabetes anymore due to diet-lifestyle changes... Missing out on old-favourite foods is well worth the sacrifice for this good health!
 
I am so grateful for the strength that my work and my studies of Logotherapy has given me and the support from all of you over all the years that has helped me to get to where I am today.
 
THANK YOU SO MUCH! <3 <3 <3
 
Typed responses from friends:
HS: Congratulations, Panny. Well done. Eating right can change so much, but it's your commitment to it that has brought this about 🙌🙌🙌
HH: Well done 😊😊😊. Fab news. Let the good times roll!!! xxx
 
3rd October: (THE BIG DAY HAS ARRIVED)
The BIG day has arrived, and we will be out of here around 11am today to travel to Pretoria for my first consultation with the cosmetic surgeon at 1pm...
 
I'm feeling better now that today is here... I can't wait to hear what she says... dreading that she might tell me to lose more weight first... EEK! What more can I give up on of my diet.
 
Exercise comes to mind... I just might be more motivated to venture out of my gates to walk, if I know that the operation is set to remove the ugly abdominal skin. Yes... that might be exactly what is needed!
 
We have decided that we will not be paying the lady to help us with all the paperwork at the hospital. R2000 is far too much and we couldn’t raise it anyway, so even if we must go there on another day for that and stay all day moving from queue to queue, then so be it... we've done it before and we never died... I HATE IT... especially observing the horrors and inhumanity of what patients must go through to receive TLC... they DON'T receive much at govt hospitals from what we've witnessed in the past.  There are just too many patients at once and too few doctors and nursing staff to cope with it all and the human nurturing side is affected as a result.  I always come away feeling traumatised... but... maybe this hospital will be different... praying it will be.
 
Friends typed responses and some of mine:
JF: Thinking of you with ALL my heart. Lots of love Pani. It WILL all work out. It ALWAYS does. Lots of prayers for you....
Panayiota: Yes dearest (J)... it does indeed always work out... <3 I love you <3
HS: Good luck, Panny. You will be in good hands, they will be kind and good to you. Love you lots <3
Panayiota: I can't wait to report back to you all. I'm packing so much food and stuff just for the Dr's visit, you'd be sure I was going away on holiday... haaahaaa! I have to be prepared for any eventuality! <3
DAM: Prayers and Hugs that all will be good ❤️💐❤️
Panayiota: MWA! :*
MW: May it all go well! 😊 Lots of love ♥️
Panayiota: Thank you (M)... BIG HUGS <3
MMNE: Prayers and hugs for today <3
Panayiota: Bless you (M)... Thanks so much <3 <3 <3
IP: Good luck for today Pat 💜💜
Panayiota: I'm so grateful for your support on this journey my dear sister... please hug my brother for me... I pray all will go well for him today also. I love you both and family so much <3 <3 <3
APS: Good luck Pat xxx
Panayiota: Thanks so much dearest (A)... Lots of love to you <3 <3 <3
VVDM: Good luck, my friend. I also wouldn't pay someone R2000 to do some papers, you go, girl xxx
Panayiota: Thanks, my dear (V)... yes... we've done the horrors of the govt hospital system before and we can do it again to save spending that amount! I'm grateful we won't be taking the easy way out... we would need that money for next month far more... HUGS and love to you too <3 <3 <3
HH: All the luck in the world and will phone you to hear how it went. 😘❤xx
Panayiota: It was so great catching up with you yesterday my dear friend... I love you forever and wish you all the blessings in the world at this time <3 <3 <3
CL: Good luck xx
Panayiota: Thanks so much <3 <3 <3
BN: Thinking of you!! You have come SUCH a long way!!
CM: Praying that everything goes well with your appointment my friend... HUGE BIG HUG to you from me... Love you ❤️🤗
Panayiota: (Love sticker)
MM: Going with you in my thoughts.
Panayiota: It means a lot to me that you popped in here today dear (M)... thank you so much <3
MM: Of course, I pop in whenever I see that my fb friend is doing something so significant. 💐
Panayiota: (Love sticker)
 
Posted again later in the day after the Dr’s visit: (HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT)
Facebook conversation: HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT... Just arrived home feeling very flat... and embarrassed... How will I tell my FB friends and family... Huge misunderstanding...
 
I saw the Dr... she took photos, measurements, history, everything... said I'd need the bigger operation due to loads of loose skin and folds from my abdomen going around the sides to my back... so would have a cut across the tummy and a little way around the back also and all the way up the center of my abdomen also and they would need to sew the abdominal muscles back together, because they had shifted quite far apart due to childbirth... my weight was perfect for my height and therefore the operation was promised around March next year... She took so much time explaining everything to me and was so patient and kind.
 
And then she hit me with it... R20000 for the op... :'(
 
Vanished dream... I'd now have to raise at least R100000 for all the areas of excess skin to be sorted out! Unless someone would open a Go-Fund-Me account and do the fund-raising drive for me (GFM does not operate in South Africa), then there's nothing else I can think of other than continuing to make pleas on my blog... also very embarrassing for me, but…
 
I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO LIVE A BETTER LIFE!
 
I can't talk about it now. I have a presentation to go over for tomorrow at one of our local woman's places of safety. I need to stay strong, so must block my disappointment and just get on with what I need to do now for the sake of tomorrow.
 
I will write about this all on my blog on the weekend. I will need to get it all off my chest by then, otherwise it will just fester in me... writing is my saving grace, because deep down, I know that someone out there really, really cares. I know that most of you taking the time to read this really do care! Thank you <3 <3 <3
 
I am so sorry to bring you this disappointing news my dear friends and thank you for supporting me through the HOPE...
 
Perhaps there is still hope... but I can't think about it now... there's a presentation waiting for me to get to...
 
Goodnight beautiful world... I love you ❤️❤️❤️
 
Friends typed responses and mine:
CSL: I'm so sorry Panny! I can only imagine how you are feeling right now, don't worry about disappointing us, you never will! We are so proud of your courage!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Panayiota: Forever my soul-doctor and dear friend... I love you so much <3
HH: Oh Panny what a huge disappointment for you. I feel your embarrassment and pain, I really do, but all is not lost and I am sure if this is meant to be, it will happen. Have faith my friend. Lots of love ❤❤
Panayiota: Thanks for always understanding exactly how it feels, ever since our school days my dearest friend... we are like two peas in a pod... 🤗... I just remember what you told me about our wonderful giggling friendship days together way-back-when... and a smile spread across my heart... Thank you for all who you are to me... Forever <3
CE: I am SO sorry to hear that my friend... HUGE BIG HUG to you from me... You are a very brave woman... Thinking of you... Love you always ❤️🤗
Panayiota: Thank you for always caring so much dearest (C)... what a beautiful friend you have been... one day we shall meet ;) <3 I love you too <3
CE: Be kind to yourself my friend... Love you ❤️🤗
BN: There is always still hope my friend ❤️
Panayiota: Oh yes (B)... that's one thing we can't deny... there is always, always hope... there's always a tomorrow... I love you lots and lots <3 <3 <3
VVDM: Oh no, I'm SO sorry you've been disappointed in this way. Chin up, at least you have your health and this is not life-threatening. Love you any which way, my friend ♥ But we'll still continue to pray for miracles, they do happen ♥
Panayiota: Thank you so much my dear (V)... you made me think of another poem I once wrote... added below. I really do believe in daily Miracles which are always available to us, if we only just open our eyes and ears to them and reach out to receive them, we will realise that they were there all the time, just waiting for us already. I love you (V) and I'm so grateful for your genuine presence and care <3 <3 <3
PARS: I am so sorry my beautiful sister...You are forever in my prayers. Sending you hugs and love always. <3 I can just imagine the tremendous disappointment and sadness you are feeling...so terribly sorry. <3
Panayiota: Bless you my beloved sister... yesterday was hard, but after a pretty decent sleep, I am doing well today and loving the beautiful cool day and the sweet, reassuring sounds of the birds outside my window. It truly is a beautiful day today and to feel the reassuring love of my friends and family here is all I needed to rise above yesterday... I'll be okay now I promise... I love you with all my heart forever and ever <3 <3 <3
HS: Oh, Panny, I'm so sorry for your disappointment and that you are feeling down. I'm so sorry you have experienced this as embarrassing. It is never embarrassing to go after what you desire. I admire your courage for doing just that. There is no other way by which we can accomplish anything. This is a hiccup, not a dead end. Whether you are successful in raising the money or not, you will find a pathway through this to a place in which you are content and happy. Keep your end goal front and centre and see how things come together to make the right thing happen. Love you lots <3
Panayiota: You are such an inspiration lovely Friend... thank you so much for your wisdom and love <3 <3 <3 BIG HUGS <3 <3 <3 Love you too :*
JF: I SO agree with (H) LOTS of love
Panayiota: HUGS my (J)... I love you <3 <3 <3
RY: So sorry for you dearest Pat. Sending lots of love hugs and kisses (J&R) ❤️❤️🤗🤗🙏🙏
Panayiota: I love you and (J) so much dear (R). It's not often that church members comment on my posts, so I often wonder why they friended me in the first place. I always let people know that I'm genuinely too busy to check up their posts, and I very rarely Friend someone for that very reason... but if a person friends me, I start to wonder why, when I never hear from them on my page... but you are so often here and for that I am truly grateful... you are true friends and I love you for that <3 <3 <3
 
Panayiota: Thank you so much my dear friends... you made me think of some poems I once wrote:
 
THERE’S ALWAYS HOPE
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Oh yes, there’s always hope,
There’s always a tomorrow,
And no one knows what tomorrow holds,
Of joys, or trials, or sorrow.
No one can predict the fate that lies ahead,
Why waste time being a pessimist,
Filling your thoughts with dread?
For while there’s life within you,
And as sure as tomorrow will come,
Your life could change in an instant,
As the light that comes from the sun.
Clouds may come and go, blocking out its rays,
For a while it may be dark and cold,
But there’s still hope of warm sunny days.
So, cherish every minute,
No matter what state you are in
Let love fill those empty spaces,
For who knows what tomorrow will bring?
 
~ Panayiota
(16th June 1995)
 
THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Oh, how discouraged I feel today,
The pain in my heart won't go away.
Like a smoldering coal after the flames have gone out,
It lingers and burns in my heart filled with doubt.
My thoughts like the wind, they come and go,
Lighting the dark coals with a furious glow.
And so, the pain lingers for hour upon hour,
Hurting me so with unbearable power.
But one thing's for sure when I'm feeling most sore,
I can still think of something that's worth living for.
Just like the coals that continue to glow,
There does come a time when the fire will go.
And so, there is hope no matter how bad,
Things may appear when I'm feeling so sad.
 
~ Panayiota
(29th April 94’)
 
AN ABUNDANCE OF MIRACLES
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I marvel at the way God Works in every aspect of my life,
His Touch, each time is a Miracle that helps me through the strife.
I feel His Warm Embrace whenever I am down,
He has a Gentle, Loving Way of softening every frown.
It’s He who holds me tightly when tears of sadness flow,
He’s with me every minute and He always lets me know.
He sends little reminders to show His Awesome Love,
I try to feel and see each one; for I know they’re from above.
I’m grateful every day, for His Miracles so True,
And I know He Gives Them Generously, to not just me but you.
 
~ Panayiota
(12th May 1999)
 
On the way to and from the hospital:
On the way to the hospital, I was in high spirits… a bit anxious about THE UNKNOWN and finding the place, but our TomTom picked up the name of the hospital up easily, so that gave me some confidence that it knew where to take us.  The scenery was lovely with fields, trees, wild flowers and mountains and we were delighted to see guinea fowl, sheep, horses, donkeys, small ponies, wildebeest, monkeys, cows, springbok, and possibly blesbok… I wasn’t sure of those.  My son and I chatted away about all that we were seeing and so much more.  When we arrived at the hospital, we were totally surprised to see little monkeys running all over the hospital grounds in among the cars and up the trees… just seemed so surreal to me.  My son happened to have a banana with him, and one little monkey came right up to him, sat politely in front of him and stretched it’s two little arms up as if begging, with it’s big sad eyes staring into his… so he gave it a chunk of banana which it held tightly in it’s two front hands and nibbled with delight.
 
On the way back from the hospital:
Going home, we were both very quiet and subdued… disappointed and our spirits flattened.  My son drove, and I buried myself in my cellphone… head down… escaping into the misery of my disappointment.  After a little way, my thoughts turned to how grateful I was for my son who was sitting so quietly next to me, and his incredible patience on trips such as this.  So many times, in the past, he accompanied me to those awful all-day, claustrophobic sitting and queuing at the govt hospitals, before I went on my low-end medical aid which affords me better treatment and hospital care now (but definitely not cosmetic surgery) … (I’ve been so healthy, I’ve only used my medical aid once since I got it a good while ago, to visit a Dr and twice to a dentist!  Unbelievable).  Thinking of my son, I suddenly felt overwhelmed with love and gratitude for him… He has always made me feel safe and supported on such trips as this.  We were happy on the way to the Dr, and now this miserable state… “NO! NO! NO!” I told myself, this was not fair to him, or even to myself!  
 
The memory of a Frankl quote I particularly love inspired me in that moment, to adjust my attitude to my disappointment…
 
“In life the opportunities to address oneself to this or that group of values vary from hour to hour. Sometimes life demands of us the realization of creative values; at other times we feel it necessary to turn to the category of experiential values. At one time we are called upon, as it were, to enrich the world by our actions, another time to enrich ourselves by our experiences. Sometimes the demands of the hour may be fulfilled by an act, at another time by our surrendering to the glory of an experience. Man can be “obligated” to experience joy. In this sense a person sitting in a streetcar who has the opportunity to watch a wonderful sunset, or to breathe in the rich scent of flowering acacias, and who instead goes on reading his newspaper, could at such a moment be accused of being neglectful toward his obligations” (Frankl 1986:45) ~ The Doctor and the Soul
 
So, I pulled myself together immediately, put down my phone and made up my mind to wake back up to the beauty we were traveling through… “How dare I miss this!” I thought.  Soon we’d be back home, and all this beauty would be gone… No!  I could not just let it pass me by.  So, I looked up and looked across the fields and spoke to my son about what we were seeing.  I told him that it was not over, and I was not going to give up on my dream.  At one stage, we went through a slight drizzle which dotted our windscreen… we opened our windows and put our hands out to feel the wind and rain on them… I remembered doing that as a child… and it was GOOD.   
 
A few days later, my youngest son said out of the blue, that if he won some competition he’d entered (R5000 prize), it would be enough to get started on saving for my operation.  I thought that was so sweet coming from him.  I never expected it at all.  I felt his love for me right there and then.  What a blessing he has been during difficult times and, I am truly very grateful for him.
 
4th October - am (THANK YOU!)
Facebook conversation: I am so deeply touched by all your presence and messages on my last post... thank you with all my heart... YOU are the wind beneath my wings... :) <3 <3 <3
 
My faraway sister always says that to me... well, now I'm saying it to YOU, because it's true... I'm ready to take LIFE on again... whatever! It's a beautiful new day... cool weather also which for me is a blessing... how could I complain about anything on such a lovely day <3 <3 <3
 
I slept reasonably well last night... so all good and my presentation today is only at 2pm, so I have the morning to sort out my house a bit which is so needed and to answer messages and e-mails...
 
I love and appreciate you all bunches <3 <3 <3 May you all be very, VERY blessed ... :*
 
4th October - pm: (YOUR WISDOM PLEASE)
Your wisdom please! So... I would need to make a real plea on my blog for funding up to R100 000 +/- to get all this ugly loose skin sorted out... so, I asked the Dr to send me the photos she took... totally gross... but if edited, just to show only the loose bits, I could post those on my blog to show how needed this work is for me to promote my plea... What do you think? Would you do it?
 
I totally expose every other aspect of myself on the blog, would it make any difference to show the real reason for the need for Cosmetic surgery also?
 
I feel okay with it (desperate to get this skin off) ... but need to hear a few other opinions first before I decide... <3 <3 <3
 
Friends typed responses:
HS: Panny, I don't feel qualified to give you express advice, but what I can say is, I TRULY admire the way you make yourself completely vulnerable with your openness and total honesty... soul-bearing, stripped away honesty. It may be a good idea to continue on in that vain. Look at the photos through the eyes of a stranger, then set them aside and look at them again tomorrow. Then decide what it is you are comfortable sharing, and what not <3
Panayiota: Thanks (H) my dear friend <3 <3 <3 ... I won't be able to go on the blog until the weekend if I even find time then, so I have plenty time to think about it and will, as you suggest. Bless you <3 <3 <3
HS: Time always brings perspective. As for the question would I... yes, I think in order to put your case across effectively. The question is, where is your comfort zone. <3 <3 <3
JF: AGAIN....All of what (H) says... plus my own 2 cents worth. If it were me I would be feeling just the same desperation you are and would do my utmost to rectify that feeling which in this case would be to take action. You will forever feel unfulfilled if you do nothing....at first, I felt too unimportant to reply to this but realise just how much you need validation. So I am giving it... with love...
Panayiota: Oh, how I love you (J)... I'm feeling your LOVE... thank you so very much <3
WSQ: Panny just to let you know you were such an inspiration to me with the weight you lost. I decided to give it a go I started in November last year I have lost 56 lbs. I feel do much better without the carbs. Thank you!!
Panayiota: WOW! Well done (W), I'm so grateful I could inspire you... how wonderful! I'm sure now you are an inspiration to others also :) <3 isn't that what life should be about... to make a difference somehow... I'm so delighted you shared this with me. Thank you (W) and may you go from strength to strength always... Lots of love <3 <3 <3
VVDM: Exactly what (H) and (J) said ♥
Panayiota: MMMWA!  :*
CE: I think whatever makes you comfortable my friend... I stand by you 100%... Love you ❤️
Panayiota: I love you my dear friend... not sure about comfortable, but if it helps me to raise what is needed so I can have those ops... especially the abdomen one, then I believe I would do this, because I can't live comfortably with the body I have now... BIG HUGS <3
CM: I totally understand that my friend ❤️
PARS: I too understand my beautiful sister...I am running into the same problem now with my weight loss.. even if I could they wouldn't allow me to have the surgery because of my health. I hope this happens for you. <3
Panayiota: Thank you my sister... I'm going to ask you and all my friends who are with me and willing, to support my blog post when I post it... hopefully I can get that done this weekend. I've lost two nights sleep over it now, so I need to do it... last night I thought of how to post such naked photos more discreetly... I'm hoping it will work... I'll go work on them now. I love you <3 <3 <3
Panayiota: Just tried... my idea didn’t work... so I will have to brave it and just post them as edited as I could get them to cut out unnecessary sections and go black and white instead of colour which will tone them down a  bit.  I love you my sister... HUGS <3
PARS: I think you are very brave my sister. Personally I wouldn't post but only because I don't have the many wonderful friends you have. You are loved by so many lovely people and I sincerely hope many will come forward and give towards your plea. You deserve the best because you are the best. <3
Panayiota: I'm so grateful for you in my life my beloved sister... thank you for being one of the best friends I have ever been blessed with :* :* :*
 
October 4th – later pm: (MY PRESENTATION WENT REALLY WELL)
My presentation to a group of women with my colleague there with me went really well. Only two people this first time, but by the time we'd finished, they invited us back to present and speak to other ladies monthly. How cool is that! I know this is what I was born to do and I'm excited for all the opportunities that now lie ahead... A BIG thank you to my colleague for believing in me enough to help make this possible in my lifetime... so exciting... I hope I will be able to make some difference in those women's lives by inspiring them to discover their own healing. Can you imagine... how lovely <3
 
Friends typed responses:
DAM: Well done Panni~Petal, of course you can do it. Those women will be so grateful to hear what you have to tell them. Go girl. You rock 💐❤️💐
JF:  I am in no way surprised at this lovely news. You are the best. Lots of love dear Pani... 😍❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
BH: Well done x
IDP: You give lots to many! Never doubt your purpose or positive influence on many people’s lives! Love you millions!
CE: SO happy for you my friend... I am really proud of you... Love you ❤️
PARS: My beautiful sister, you are so amazing and you will do amazing things in the lives of so many people!
HBMC: Excellent dear Pan. You deserve this kind of treatment. Well done.
HBMC: Lots and lots more love going to a wonderful lady like you.
Panayiota: I love you all so much... thank you for being my friends and family... BIG HUGS <3 <3 <3
 
Just before I went to bed, a dear friend wrote to me: (CONTINUE TO DREAM YORU DREAMS)
IDP: Wake up to a beautiful day Panny. Continue to dream your dreams, stay positive and it will all work out for you. Sending you big hugs!

​Someone trying to comfort me when they saw these pictures said that my loose skin was not too bad.  I know it’s not as bad as what you see on the “My extreme excess skin” programs on TV… but this is very bad and ugly to me… please help me to raise what is needed to get rid of it.  Thank you so much.

Even though the doctor said that my weight was right for my height and age, I do believe I could still lose a little weight.
 
DONATIONS:
(PETROL FOR NOVEMBER)
I will require around R3500 to get to and from the student workshops next month (Part of the R500 to help with the foods and bottled water I will need to take with on the 14 days I will be traveling to and from Pretoria and my home). Our petrol prices went up yet again.  If I cannot raise that money, I won't be able to go to the workshops... end of story!  I cannot allow that to happen… please… I must be there… I literally live for those days!  So, any funds raised would first go to this cause which is what gives my life meaning, and then the remainder to Cosmetic surgery.
 
(COSMETIC SURGERY)
I would need to raise at least R20000 for the abdominal operation and I would like to add R5000 to that, just to cover any possible post-operative care.  The Dr already told me that where the two suture lines meet there is often a breakdown and sometimes an infection that will needs care… there will also be traveling back to the hospital for suture removal, etc.. Any money left over from the 1st operation would go towards the next operation.  I would probably require as much as R100000 +/- to get rid of all the problem areas of loose skin on my body… from what I’ve worked out, I’d need 5 operations in all.  Please assist me with this.  Once I know that the funds will be possible, I would go to the hospital and would then have to pay the helping-lady the R2000, so that she would be able to take me with my affidavits and bank statements, etc. to see if we could get a reduction on the cost of each operation according to my salary… The surgeon said that it could possibly be cut the cost down if I did this.  Any remaining money would then go to the next operation.  I would see how each operation goes and how fundraising goes before deciding on the next operation.)
 
Grocery shopping: (A MAN IN NEED)
It’s funny how things happen… here I am asking, maybe even begging for your assistance, and the other day, my son and I went to the supermarket together to buy our start of month groceries.  I had R100 in my bag but was going to buy our groceries using my bank card.  I chose a till-line where a man in front of me was just carrying a small basket of a few groceries, so I knew I’d get through there fast.  He was waiting for a person in front of him who was paying for their goods.  Next thing I saw him unpack half of his basket, then quickly put the remaining stuff in the basket on the floor next to where I was standing.  He must have decided that he could not afford the rolls, cheese and milk that he left behind.  I just could not let that happen… took the R100 out of my bag and gave it to him… told him he must pay for his remain goods.  He was very grateful… paid for it all and left… and I felt so good in my heart, even though that money was so important to us also… my son also felt good about it. 
 
Thank you for sharing with me today,
 
~ Panayiota