THE SAHARA IN MY HEART
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Lost in a lonely desert place with not a bad thought or care ~
Because you’re not there!
No more stinging sand storms to burn my heart ~
As from the start!
The scorching sun of memories still burn me sore ~
Just as before!
But you’re not there to turn up the heat ~
And leave me beat!
I will not miss you out here in this desolate place ~
You’ve left me to face!
I will not cry for you or call your name ~
To leave me lame again!
I am not afraid which way to go ~
I will know!
Love guides me in the wind that blows ~
My courage grows!
Hope lies over every dune ~
Sweet perfume!
Friends bring relief as they draw near ~
Oasis of loving care!
In this wilderness I’m not alone ~
I feel at home!
I know I have a destiny ~
My God’s with me!

(27th March 2000)

~ Pana

Written 26th - Posted 27th September 2015 ~ (Note:  Weebly has a problem that would not allow me to post... I tried for hours yesterday and today!  After investigating on the internet I discovered that if I copied my writing from Word into Wordpad, then copied it from there to my Weebly blog post page, it works!  Only I lost formatting, but that was no big deal... I could do it here!  I hope Weebly is able to sort out the problem soon!)

I’ve always said, that “losing trust in one’s world” is one of the hardest trials of all to face... there’s others, and another particular area which I think is even harder than losing trust, but I’ll discuss that another time maybe.

“Losing faith in your fellow man leaves you wondering in a lonely and desolate place somewhere between heaven and earth” ~ (9th December 2000 ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za)

I once wrote the following poem two days after my 44th birthday, when I was still longing desperately for my mother’s love, but still not grasping the empty truth of my hopeless situation... that her love for me was never going to be.  Not getting it yet, that once again mother was manipulating by pretending to love me for a time, for her own selfish needs and benefit and that her show of love was only going to last until she got what she wanted from me and had satisfied her “self” as always... I wrote:

WHERE IS THE OTHER YOU?
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za

Could it be true, you are trying to change...
For that, I find hard to believe
Could it be that I could really trust you
And know my trust were true?

How could a leopard change its spots?
How can a camel loose its humps?
What would an elephant do without its trunk?
Or a warthog without its warts and lumps?

How would I recognize you without your stripes?
Or listen to you without your put-down gripes?
How could I believe it’s you without your song,
Of how I do everything so awfully wrong?

Am I to believe a change is being made
And your intentions are now quite true?
Put my guard down and try again
To just believe in you?

Or will you hurt me as before
And tear my heart in two?
If you have changed then tell me now -
WHERE IS THE OTHER YOU?

Yet I feel a softening in my heart,
Because my mother, your friendship I so desire!
Please don’t let me down yet again,
And turn out to be that same old liar!

(25th November 2000)

Mother let us down so often, and every time she did, I felt as though I was dying a little more inside... bit by bit.  

I understand better today, how it was possible for her to become the way she was, but still, surely there should have been no excuses for her hating me so much... I was her daughter for goodness sake!  

HER SUNKEN TREASURE!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za

Her Hate blew the wind right through sails,
Of the Ship I was still sailing for Her Love!
Although the seas were so unpredictable,
At least Her Ship still floated above.

Over the years, Her Treacherous Waves,
Had already torn the sails!
Broken the mast, put holes in the deck,
And rusted most of the nails!

Yet bravely I sailed Her Ship onward,
The Captain of Faith and Hope,
And often on those dark, lonely seas,
I there, could barely cope!

When storms came up and lashed Her Ship,
The waves beat sore and hard,
But I’d hold on tight in the relentless winds,
‘Till the sky was clear and starred!

My Voyage of Hope seemed fruitless,
As though it would never end!
Yet I continued to search in Faith,
That soon some Land she’d send.

But eventually, Her Hate tore Her Ship apart,
And I drowned in the sea of Her Fate!
The Treasure was hers, if only she’d tried,
But she left it far too late!

Her Light never shone in the darkness,
To guide Her Ship to the Safe Shore!
So Her Treasure sank to the depths of the sea,
It was lost, and was hers - NO MORE!

(10th July 2000 - Mother)

Mother wasn’t the only one who broke my heart and ultimately contributed towards shattering my trust in this world.  There were many.  I suffered domestic violence at the hands of my first husband who managed to put me into the hospital twice with the extensive bruising damage he caused with the beatings he regularly inflicted on me in his drunken stupors.  And the other and emotional abuser... a terrible kind of abuse to live with, especially as no one believes it when you reach out for help... they want to see blood, bruises and broken bones before they will even begin to listen.  

My therapist was the other and to me, she was the last straw that broke the camel’s back.  Not only did she devastate my trust in the world exponentially, but her relentless religious pushing caused me such deep emotional pain, that she single headedly managed to change my religious worldview from one that I had always trusted in mindlessly, to one that for some time left me confused and wondering alone in an excruciatingly lonely place of abandonment from Heaven and earth... I was left broken for far too long as a result!  
 
My religious values now exist on a far deeper level of connection between my God and I alone and I no longer allow anymore religious fire and brimstone nonsense to hurt or destroy me with twisted manipulations, guilt trips and judgements.  I am actually grateful for this more deeply personal relationship with my God now.  I don’t miss the “mindless abandon” that I had in my relationship with religion before... even though it required far less of me but to follow the voices of others blindly!

There is just too much “ugliness through judgement” to be found in the religiousness of this world today!  Too much controlling!  Too much hurting... “Christians kill their own wounded” is a saying I have come to adopt, because my family and I have been so hurt, abandoned, rejected and judged by the very people who I had always expected and needed to be there for us in the past.  Nothing ever seems to change as far as that goes, although I am in a good place now where I do mostly feel accepted for exactly who I am regardless of what decisions I make about whether or not I will be attending church on any particular Sunday, etc.  I think and hope that people will understand that I can only do so much.

(Like last week my son and I were on our way to church, but the car wouldn’t start when we tried to leave, and this week I only had six hours sleep on Friday night and only just over four last night!  There is no ways I can go out now.  This post was written yesterday, but Weebly wouldn’t let me post it... that’s why I’m inserting this little bit now... just to explain.  Someone’s going to want to know... but who would believe me anyway.  I can always pick up by the way people comment on my “church absence” that I am being judged... judgement is something that does not work for me at all... it just makes things even worse.  Some Sunday’s I have too much work to do and need the time, because my workload is so often very overwhelming and every minute trying to keep up with it is so important.  It is what it is!  If people understood this, there’s be more chance of me not feeling pressured to the point of eventually leaving altogether!  I wish they would just let me be... because I do love and need “my time” spent with them... do I have to be one of them and adhere to “their time” to be accepted... why can’t I just be accepted as me, exactly as I am.)

I started to self-injure during the last months of my therapy, but by the grace of God, “Logotherapy found me” during that time.  The important values and the strengths I gained during my studies helped me to stop hurting myself and set me on a wonderful journey to true and meaningful healing for the first time in over 50 years.  So, even though the urge to hurt myself was often overpowering and still exists from time to time, I took responsibility for “my own life” and no longer allow myself to “do it”... I now use the Logotherapeutic tools I have learnt during my studies to help myself move past the need to hurt myself until I am once again in an “emotionally-safe place”.

I stand by my belief that the two areas that can hurt the adult survivor of child abuse most are “family and religion”... because that’s where we need "nurturing love and stability" the most... we expect, want and hope for more “unconditional acceptance and unconditional love” from these areas than any other area of our lives.  These are the areas that have the most power to help us to heal, yet they are also the areas that have so much power to keep us down by constantly mimicking (inadvertently, unconsciously or otherwise) the very thing that got us stuck in the first place... abuse!

Others can hurt us and we can bear it, but when family and “church family” hurt us, it’s beyond devastating... that pain can be experienced as unimaginably unbearable... often to the extent of experiencing it as an reoccurrence (flashback to the actual feelings) of our childhood abuse state... a deep, tearing emotional loss... a death.

How many times can the same person die... then live again... only to die again... existing as well as not existing in a never ending cycle of torture as a result of a lifetime of hurts, disappointments and abuses!

~ Pana

25 September 2015 am ~

I am grateful for all my supporters.  Thank you for journeying with me here.  We can make a difference if we all stand together in the fight against child abuse.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpevZ0-wUYQ

POEM:  The Only Miracles
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za

When my hurting child emerges
She says things I shouldn’t say
Causing more commotion and losses
As she pushes my friends away
And the only miracles that can calm her
Are the steadfast faithful ones
Who cannot be removed
Due to strong unbreakable  bonds
They are the rare and beautiful...
The true and loving souls
Who glue back all the broken bits
And chase away the trolls

(17 February 2015)

I am so grateful for their strengthening true love
~ Pana

Posted 24 September 2015 – pm

So as promised I am posting the Zentangle attempt I did today to help deal with my depression.  It’s not exactly a great example of a Zentanle, but it kept my mind occupied for a few hours and definitely helped with the depression.  I am very tired now, because that kind of depression attack always wipes me out and leaves me totally drained, but at the same time, I’m not crying and feel a lot better than I did before I stared working on my drawing.

I decided that while I was here, I’d also share the progress with my orchids... the one has a bud fit to pop any day now and then we get to find out what colour it is... I’ll share when I know... I’m so excited about it!

Also a picture of some peas and fennel picked from my garden... we must have planted about only six pea seeds, so I’m really quite surprised at how many peas we got off of them... the plants are almost as tall as I am!  We’ve eaten as much as you see here and the plants are still producing fresh peas for us to pic and eat at our leisure.  The bed we planted the peas in was done to the “Door Garden” design.  My goodness me... it’s well worth preparing a vegetable patch in the correct way... everything we grow in those door garden beds, grow humongous and look so healthy!  We only have a tiny yard, but just two door garden beds are more than enough to keep my son and I going with a variety of different herbs and vegetables.

The last picture is proof that I have finally reached 100% on my computer’s FreeCell game.  I’ve been trying for years.  I play only one or two games a day.  The closest I ever got was 98% last year sometime... but this year, I finally reached my goal!  Now I can rest... hahaaa!  I was expecting fireworks or something when I reached 100%, but nothing... such a let-down.  But I can’t complain... I did it at last and just had to share my personal grand-achievement with you all!  J

~ Pana

Posted 24 September 2015

Dear old depression visiting me again big time today... I just don’t have time for this nonsense!  So much to do and no time to waste!  Let the flipping tears flow if they must... life must go on!  

Sitting alone on a public holiday... why should today be any different for me... it’s just another day.  I can hear the neighbours talking and laughing... all working people are off today... I work at home, so for me I don’t really experience days off... always too much to do anyway... half the time I don’t even know what day it is and time seems to have no meaning for me anymore... Office work is quiet today, but I needed to do a blog post and other stuff that is always pressing to be done... Writing always helps when I’m depressed, so I actually did need to do this right now!  

Four walls... stuck in these four walls... talk about claustrophobic!

Got sad news yesterday that my little great-nephew has been diagnosed with a growth in his ear that is already affecting his skull...  a biopsy has been done and we are waiting for the results.  They live so far away... I feel helpless... agonising over what my family on the other side of the world must be going through... all I can do is pray and call for others to pray... so please would you also pray with us all for Duke and his family and medical team to be able to help the little guy to full healing.  How I wish I could be with them to do my bit to help them all through this.   

These walls aren’t helping... they seem to be closing in on me today!

Did a load of washing and hung it... another load in... picked up dog poop with the poopa-scoopa!  Picked a pile of little golden cherry tomatoes... still need to wash dishes and clean up the kitchen... and bath... 

Don’t feel very motivated at all!  I really want to just go curl up in my bed and sleep the day off!

What does Logotherapy teach me?  

I need to move in the direction of meaning... 

Don’t just sit here wallowing in the sadness and letting the depression keep me here... 

NO... I need to take action if I want to get out of this state... 

I am responsible for what state I “choose” to be in...

I don’t like how I’m feeling right now so I choose not to stay here!

What can I do to help myself right now? 

Hmmmmm.... 

My sister introduced me a while back to the art form called Zentangles... oh how I love doing them!  I love doodling and a Zentangle is like a glorified doodle... very relaxing and fun to do.  I haven’t done one in ages... I haven’t given myself the time to do one... it’s about time I did another one.  I’ll share a picture or two of ones I did before and if I actually do one today I’ll share it later also... YAY!  

This is exactly what I feel like doing right now... chat later everyone!

~ Pana

Posted 21st September 2015 ~

Some of my readers are saying that they are not seeing the pictures on the post I did yesterday while others can see the pictures perfectly... weird!  So I am posting the pictures again for you all to see :) 

Posted 20 September 2015 ~ 

I needed a bit of a break today, so between sending letters to all the students on my works database list, I decided to go do some weeding outside on our front grassy verge as it's a beautiful cool day and the weeds coming up through the grass were already so out of hand... My neighbour and friends were busy with their garden on their side of the driveway, so it was good to say hello on the way out... I turned to get busy with my lawn and lo and behold, it's all neatly mowed and all the weeds were gone! I was so surprised! My neighbours had already mowed and weeded my lawn for me!  They laughed when they saw and heard my surprise!  So many times I have been out there and done what I could to help with their garden... when they were not there to see me doing it.  I didn’t even know if they realised it, but it gave me so much pleasure to do so... but today, they blessed me in return... I LOVE my neighbours so much!  They have helped me before... the husband with some handyman work and the wife has brought over the most delicious jams and other preserves for Andrew and I and we have done the same and shared some of our garden produce with them.  It’s so wonderful to be surrounded by goodness and kindness in this world and sure makes my world a better and much happier place.  

Special thanks to my neighbours for blessing me today with their kindness, even if they never see this ~ Pana

Posted 20 September 2015 ~

Mother had some strong values that she passed onto her children over the years.  These things that she held onto as dear to her heart, I am sure were the very things that kept her going through her own struggles as an adult survivor of child abuse... values that gave some meaning to her life and allowed some semblance of real joy and “be”ing to shine through all the cracks of her brokenness.

I will always be grateful to her for passing them onto me because these are now my values too and ones that have helped to strengthen me on an experiential level also throughout my life and to shine that same beautiful light through all the cracks of my own brokenness as a result of child abuse.

Mother was very abusive towards her children and others, but anyone who ever saw the beautiful gardens she created would never have known that there was this other “dark side” to her that it seemed to me she had so little control over.  Her nature was so Jekyll and Hyde, but one thing that always stayed constant was her ability to create true beauty in her own gardens and those of others.  If there was nothing else of “good” that I could remember her by, I would always be grateful for the memory of being surrounded by beautiful plants and flowers.  I would like to believe that, that was where the hidden essence of my mother’s true being and true beauty could be found... in the wonder and splendour of a beautiful garden.

Although I also loved beautiful flower gardens all my life, I tended to place my focus more on food and herb gardens for sustainability and a healthier life, because I have always had financial struggles.  I hope that I have succeeded in also passing on the value of food gardens to my own children and grandchildren.

Here are some photos of some of my own gardening endeavours over the years - The last photo shows two orchids I was given a while back by my sweet sister-in-law, Irene, because they were quite sickly and needed help to recover.  For as long as I can remember I have wanted to own an orchid, and now I have two.  I am so excited about the fact that they are going to flower soon!  I have no idea what colours the flowers will be.  I will post pictures to share with you all as soon as I know... I can’t wait!  The buds are much bigger now than in the picture, so we should know any day now!  YAY!

To all who are supporting my blog and connecting pages, I am so grateful!  Every voice counts in the fight against child abuse ~ Pana