I’VE WORKED SO HARD TO EARN TRUST

Artwork - Robin Lee

I’VE WORKED SO HARD TO EARN TRUST
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After hearing something many years ago
That stuck like a knife
“Being trusted is the highest honour once could ever attain”
In this world filled with judgement and personal gain
So, earning trust has been my lifelong, ultimate goal
And living without trust—a burning coal
How hard, the journey to gaining trust
Integrity is an absolute, inescapable MUST!
But the wounds of my past keep rearing up
In the minds of others—my bitter cruel cup
The pathology that makes me different
That sets me apart
Builds barriers to true friendship
And even repels Cupid’s dart
The world sees a need
Of protection from me
And so, I’ll never truly be free
I’ll never be free
Without full trust in who I am
I feel that my life is a worthless sham
But, no matter how untrustworthy
The world judges me to be
I know that my God has full trust in me
For, all through my life
I’ve felt the Strength of His Loving Hand
Lifting me up and helping me STAND.
While I cannot trust this world,
I can’t expect the world to trust me
So, I must go on alone
Until I’m finally set free.
 
~ Panayiota
(31 October 2019)
 
Romans 8:31 - King James Version (KJV)
31 What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?
 
After a big shock on the 31st, learning of a young friend from the past’s murder, and the terrible dilemma of not being able to comfort his family, because of a complete breakdown in relationship… I started to experience flashback emotions of that terrible time when the breakdown happened…

My emotions became totally conflicting… anger… pain… sorrow… wanting to reach out to comfort… frustration... EXTREME ANXIETY...  

But there was no way… a total barrier… a blockage… a hurt too big to contain… the anxiety became overwhelming… the conflict inside of me too huge...

And so, I reached out for help in the moment, because the depression and anger were too strong…

But I learned that some things cannot be shared… must not be discussed… that I am still very much on my own… stuck in the past with that painful time... 

In a fit of angry depression and cruel realization I wrote the poem above… the urge to hurt myself returned, but I managed to keep away from that…

All I know is that I must go on.  I quickly got over the whole flashback episode.  I had so much work to do that I didn’t have time for my own nonsense and refused to sink too deeply into it all…

Sometimes submitting to one’s weaker side is very tempting… self-pity calls for it… begs for it…

But I cannot allow it anymore… I have to fight my “WEAKER SELF!” I’ve come to far to let go again now! 

So… I’m holding onto whatever keeps me going…  my work… and whatever dregs of HOPE and FAITH remain still…

Even without joy and with a weakened hope and faith in life at times… I’m still moving forward…

​Thank you for sharing with me,

~ Panayiota