29 November 19 ~ I wrote on my Facebook page (adapted)
Arrived home early today from Unisa... last day of our 2 emotionally and physically exhausting, sleep deprived, but wonderful beyond words, weeks of Logotherapy student workshops.
 
I wrote the following WhatsApp to my mentor, dear friend and boss, Teria Shantall:
"Just arrived home... it's so quiet and still... time to reflect... feeling tearful for a number of reasons... had to fight tears in class due to extreme gratitude... overdose of love and goodness... and of course... the goodbyes. Now time to reflect and make sense of it all... especially your strange belief in my abilities that always seem to work out somehow. Today you gave me a moment in time that will probably never be repeated, but a moment I will never forget... YUP... tearful with an overwhelming sense of gratitude and love for all... "
 
And just to add a Logotherapy quote that I love very much:
“Something meaningful draws us out of ourselves – it enlarges our vision, enriches us and causes us to grow: to become bigger and better than we are. Frankl quoted Goethe as saying: “If we take a man as he is, we make him worse; if we take him as he ought to be, we help him become it” (Shantall, 2002, p. 19) ~ Life’s Meaning in the Face of Suffering
 
One of my past Logotherapy students and now dear friend, Janice commented on my Facebook post:
Teria is truly a beautiful blessing that has brought out the best in many of us.... I am so thankful to have had the opportunity of knowing her. You are truly blessed Panayiota to be working with her... 😘
 
I responded:
She truly is such an incredible example to us all dear Janice, of how things should be on the most spiritually transcendent of levels as far as human beings go (as opposed to animals) ♥ I keep learning more and more from her. She is such a blessing in our lives, and yes, I am truly blessed by my association with her. I cannot believe the things I am able to do today, because of her unconditional belief in me that goes way beyond any belief I've ever had in myself, even to this day... it's amazing to me what she has succeeded to bring out in me that I didn't even know I had in me... I didn't even know was possible for me! ♥ AMAZING GRACE!
 
Although I'm not a religious nut after what my therapist did many years ago, yesterday at the workshop made me think of the song:
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsCp5LG_zNE
Celtic Woman - Amazing Grace (Official Video)
YOUTUBE.COM
 
Another Logotherapy friend, Elaine commented:
Amazing grace... love this Pan 🙏🏼💞

Not shared on FB
In response to my WhatsApp message, Teria wrote:
 “I hope you are safe and rested at home.  How did the morning go? Thank you so much for taking care and for your loyal support throughout the week.  It was great!”
 
And I responded:
“You’re welcome and thank you.  The morning was amazing.  After each of the 20+ Logotherapy Intermediate students had finished their report back to me on the questions you left for them, “What am I taking away with me from this workshop?” and “Has it set me more on the way that I feel I want to go?”  I ended the day by letting them all know that this was the first time I’d ever lead a group as a trainer, (I had sat in Teria's seat before, but only to be there while past students wrote their exam... none of them were looking at me or expecting any intelligence from me, so that wasn't too scary), and so, I thanked the students yesterday for giving me the confidence and trust to do that… it was surreal.  I wouldn’t want to make a habit of it, but I did it this once and it was an incredible moment in time for me… a real trainer for an hour or so… AMAZING!  I’m so glad I recorded it all!  (I want to listen to it again, to convince myself that it really happened!).  I’m grateful to you for giving me the opportunity to do that… I don’t understand why you would take such a chance… but it all turned out very well and I never made a fool of myself or let you or the students down at all… I could go on and on about this… but I’m sure you get what I’m saying and how grateful I am today for the MAGIC that I experienced in it.  Thank you will NEVER be enough!  I don’t think you should make a habit of it though  I could die happy just with today’s memory as it is. I wouldn’t want to ruin it with my alter reality failing on another occasion… ”
 
Teria’s short but powerful response:
"What you achieve when you are at your very best is really who you are!  The “failure” occasions are fake!"
 
And so… I’m not sure I could ever do that again… I feel sure that it really was just a moment in time.  The right group of people who made me feel completely comfortable and safe in their presence.  For a moment in time, all my inhibition’s, fears, inferiority complexes, less than and not belonging beliefs had just melted away in a true sense of being fully accepted and a part of and… I’m okay, you’re okay…
 
A MOMENT IN TIME I WILL ALWAYS CHERISH AND NEVER FORGET AND A MOMENT IN TIME I WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL FOR ♥

​I still have so much more to share, but time is short.  I will share whenever I can, to try and catch up… I can never rest until I have released my most important (to me) stories into writing and shared them like this.
 
Thank you for journeying with me… I am grateful for you all ♥
 
~ Panayiota

Artwork - Robin Lee

I’VE WORKED SO HARD TO EARN TRUST
© all rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za

After hearing something many years ago
That stuck like a knife
“Being trusted is the highest honour once could ever attain”
In this world filled with judgement and personal gain
So, earning trust has been my lifelong, ultimate goal
And living without trust—a burning coal
How hard, the journey to gaining trust
Integrity is an absolute, inescapable MUST!
But the wounds of my past keep rearing up
In the minds of others—my bitter cruel cup
The pathology that makes me different
That sets me apart
Builds barriers to true friendship
And even repels Cupid’s dart
The world sees a need
Of protection from me
And so, I’ll never truly be free
I’ll never be free
Without full trust in who I am
I feel that my life is a worthless sham
But, no matter how untrustworthy
The world judges me to be
I know that my God has full trust in me
For, all through my life
I’ve felt the Strength of His Loving Hand
Lifting me up and helping me STAND.
While I cannot trust this world,
I can’t expect the world to trust me
So, I must go on alone
Until I’m finally set free.
 
~ Panayiota
(31 October 2019)
 
Romans 8:31 - King James Version (KJV)
31 What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?
 
After a big shock on the 31st, learning of a young friend from the past’s murder, and the terrible dilemma of not being able to comfort his family, because of a complete breakdown in relationship… I started to experience flashback emotions of that terrible time when the breakdown happened…

My emotions became totally conflicting… anger… pain… sorrow… wanting to reach out to comfort… frustration... EXTREME ANXIETY...  

But there was no way… a total barrier… a blockage… a hurt too big to contain… the anxiety became overwhelming… the conflict inside of me too huge...

And so, I reached out for help in the moment, because the depression and anger were too strong…

But I learned that some things cannot be shared… must not be discussed… that I am still very much on my own… stuck in the past with that painful time... 

In a fit of angry depression and cruel realization I wrote the poem above… the urge to hurt myself returned, but I managed to keep away from that…

All I know is that I must go on.  I quickly got over the whole flashback episode.  I had so much work to do that I didn’t have time for my own nonsense and refused to sink too deeply into it all…

Sometimes submitting to one’s weaker side is very tempting… self-pity calls for it… begs for it…

But I cannot allow it anymore… I have to fight my “WEAKER SELF!” I’ve come to far to let go again now! 

So… I’m holding onto whatever keeps me going…  my work… and whatever dregs of HOPE and FAITH remain still…

Even without joy and with a weakened hope and faith in life at times… I’m still moving forward…

​Thank you for sharing with me,

~ Panayiota