~ Posted, 29th October 2017 ~
 
27th October 2017 – Friday
This month, my son and I have been very blessed by the kind donations of loving friends and family.  Two people deposited money at the start of the month that helped us make it through to today.  But today, I had the most amazing surprise when another donation arrived in my account unexpectedly and anonymously.  The amount was an answer to prayers, because next month is our student workshops in Pretoria and with as much as 6 days of traveling to and from Pretoria, I was very worried about how I was going to manage with petrol expenses.  It would have been 9 days, but a student has offered to lift me for the three day Introductory workshop, so that's was already sorted out thankfully.  I also worried about how I’d afford the food and water I’d need to take with each day for the workshops, but mostly, I worried about my sister’s holiday visit to this side of the world and how hard it would be to spoil her or do anything with her if I had no money. 
 
The friend who donated at the start of the month said that her father would also send a donation, but I assured her that I had enough already for the month so he wouldn’t need to.  But when the donation came in today, I checked with her and she confirmed that she was sure that it was from her father… What a blessing.  With the amount he so kindly sent, I believe that I will also be able to have the hole through my wall done between our garage and sitting room and hopefully the door frame put in.  We might not yet be able to have a door put on for the hole in the wall, but so long as the hole is made and the frame in, we can worry about the door later on.  Hopefully, we will also have enough to have our car’s worn and noisy break replaced.  I also need the car’s fan belt seen to, because it’s making a terrible noise when I start the car.  And we’ve been told our cars exhaust pipe will need replacing, because it has two holes in it… but that is going to have to wait I’m sure.
 
My kind neighbour also brought some leftovers from her meals for my son which was so kind of her and her meals are a delicious change of taste for my son which he thoroughly enjoys.  My daughter also helped with meals and some salad veggies for me which has been a great help.
 
I am grateful for the beautiful people in this world… I thank each and every one with my heart.
 
My garden news:
​I now start the mornings off with weeding the vegetable and herb beds which will be something I will have to do every morning for a while before I start work.  The compost our dear gardener so kindly brought us is unfortunately filled with nut grass nuts.  The best way to get rid of the sprouting nut grass is to remove them roots and all, making sure to get all the nuts that might be attached to the roots.  Without removing the nuts, the grass will just keep coming back.  I’ve had to disturb the roots of my existing vegetable and herb seedlings to get rid of the nut grass growing among them, so that will cause some wilting and setback of my seedlings growth, but it just has to be for now until all the nut grass is eradicated.  Also nut grass must be removed before it actually goes to seed above ground.
 
Surprise visitor:
What a wonderful surprise I had today when my dear young friend, Sheldon sent a message to say he’d like to take me out to lunch and for a chat.  Sheldon is someone who contacted me about our Logotherapy courses once and when I mentioned that our institute was working towards taking over the Advanced and Diplomate courses from Unisa, to keep all the courses with The Viktor Frankl Institute of Logotherapy South Africa, he immediately responded… “How may I help you with that?” Since then, Sheldon has voluntarily helped us with updating and reinventing our forms and setting up a new and more manageable website for our Institute which is about to be launched any day now www.vfisa.co.za

So, this complete stranger has made such a difference from a distance and expected nothing in return.  There truly are some beautiful people out there in this world.  I was blessed enough to meet Sheldon once when he came to help me with my office computer setup and showing me how to work on the new website, so this was now the second time I was blessed to spend time with him again.  I think that Sheldon is an “old soul”… I feel like I’ve known him all my life and we identify in so many ways, so it seems that we both find our conversation comfortable, sincere and enjoyable.
 
Sheldon took me to the Ocean Basket restaurant where we had a yummy lunch and enjoyed our time together immensely.  He then came back to my office to help me set my computer up on a cloud for backup so that all my important work will automatically update on it… That will take a huge burden off of my shoulders. 
 
My humble thanks to Sheldon for not only all he has done to help me and our Logotherapy Institute, but also for his gentle, genuine and lovely friendship in which I experience total trust which is something quite rare for me.  It’s a beautiful thing…
 
28th October 2017 – Saturday
Today I fertilised my garden, which I want to try to do every two-three weeks, and I planted a few tomatoes seeds that I had dried on tissue paper last season.  Yellow cherry tomatoes and other different coloured and shaped tomatoes.  I look forward to enjoying them in my salads someday… maybe even by mid-December.
 
Our intrepid and hardworking handyman came today also, to put the first coat of paint on our lovely new ceiling in the garage… my soon to be “Happy Place”… I can’t wait.  Since the surprise donation came in yesterday, I asked Peter if he’d please do the hole and door in the wall as soon as possible (before my sister arrives on her holiday)… or at least the hole and the door frame… we will get the door put in when we can raise enough for that too.  We want to buy a solid door for added security… not a hollow one and I believe the solid ones are quite expensive.
 
29th October 2017 – Sunday
Today I went to church… I sometimes just feel it is important to get away from my work and socialise a bit… doing that is a bit like having a mini holiday… and I love listening to the spiritual talks and just being reminded of the good that Life has to offer us in this world if we practice good and look for good around us.
 
Today, a brother at church spoke about LOVE and how it should be experienced not only in churches, but in all the world, regardless of a person’s religious affiliation, race, etc.  I was so inspired by his talk… but somehow it triggered in me the memory of the trauma I experienced in my therapy as a result of the transference and counter-transference (I don’t think I will ever heal fully from that awful time)… I ended up fighting tears and when I thanked the brother for his excellent talk afterwards, I was no longer able to hold back my tears… I just felt so grateful to him, because he had spoken my language (the language of my soul) and reached my heart with his divine understanding on the true meaning of LOVE.  I wish I could have taped his talk to share with the world… it was truly beautiful in every way and one of the best talks I’ve ever listened to at church. 
 
I nearly didn’t go to church today, because I have a lot of work to catch up on still, but I’m so glad I did go in the end.  My second son and family met me as I left church and while I was still in tears… so my son escorted me to my car and chatted with me there for a while which helped to break through the deep flashback-sadness that had risen in memory of that painful time in therapy.  I was able to drive home safely as a result, feeling a whole lot better and after doing a little work my third son and I watched a movie that our friend, Sheldon had shared with us.  We love watching movies together on my son’s days off from work.
 
I did have church visitors during the week which was lovely… they are all fun and visit once a month to check up that all is well with us and leave a prayer and sometimes a short spiritual message.  They have all become good friends, so I do look forward to their visits every month.
 
Well, that’s all I have to share with you for this week.  I’m sure I must have forgotten to share something in the three Journaling posts, but I think I’ve included the most important things that I wanted to share.
 
Thank you for sharing… Have a blessed week ahead.
 
~ Panayiota

~ Posted, 28th October 2017 ~
 
24th October, Tuesday ~ My mentors strengthening letter
The hard drive crash was very, very hard on me personally.  I struggled greatly to surface from it as I tackled the exhausting task of piecing back together my lost work (office work) in what seems to be a painstaking and hopeless impossibility that would never really get me back to the place of order I once comfortably enjoyed and felt reasonably safe in. 
 
After visiting and speaking to my mentor on the 2nd October, I felt so much more reassured.  She had not realised exactly how hard my struggle was… she also didn’t know how much of my own treasures and works I’d lost and had not had time to get to yet to sort through and see what was left.  Once she understood, she suggested that I stop trying to fix everything, and rather just start over.  It was something about her reassurance that settled my mind, taking away the constant sense of panic I’d been experiencing since June.
 
But… by then, my mind had already fallen back into that place in my far distant past where all those horrible, negative, destroying script messages were pounding on the walls of my cold, dark inner-child’s dungeon. 

I FELL BACK INTO MY DUNGEON!
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I fell back into my dungeon!
Flat on my face!
Sprawled out all over!
A disgusting disgrace!
It’s dark and it’s dank
And cold to the bone!
I cannot bear it,
But I’ve lost my way home!
 
~ Panayiota
(31 January 2009)

You’re useless I was telling myself… old and redundant… everyone is pointing fingers at you now… soon you will be asked to leave so that someone more efficient can take over… you’re no good… stupid… stupid… stupid good for nothing idiot… (my mother’s idiot child!)
 
My abuser’s voices from my past, still with so much power in my present… No adult logic today could convince me that all this self-destructive conversation in my head was wrong… that it was lies…
 
NO-NO-NO!  I had totally and utterly convinced myself that it was all over for me… I had failed my mentor… my students… and no longer belonged in my Logotherapy world.  All I knew was that I had to FIX as much as I could, before I left… so that I could at least selvage some of the broken fragments of my reputation… if any. 
 
Then today… 24th October, out of the blue, my mentor and boss sends me the most beautiful letter… so uplifting… so affirming… comforting, reassuring, understanding and just beyond anything I could have imagined at this time…
 
I sat there reading the words… first blankly… without emotion… as if it can’t be true…
 
I mean… how do you go from your own negative self-destructive script to suddenly being told by the positive uplifting script of someone you deeply respect and whose word you have always trusted…
 
It’s a bit like sitting in a dark place… staring into the darkness… empty… having become accustomed to it… like it’s expected… it’s always been that way, so why fight it anymore… you belong there… just keep doing what you must do, until “they” tell you you’re not wanted anymore… then just go away quietly… just go away…
 
But then… when you least expect it, someone switches the light on… it’s so bright that it hurts your eyes… you aren’t ready to open your eyes to it yet, so you keep them squeezed tightly shut!  You don’t know how they found the switch… did they make a mistake…
 
It takes a while for you to realise that the light is meant to be on… it was always meant to be on… you weren’t created to be sitting there staring into that darkness… when the first person in your life switched off the light… it was their own light they were switching off, but all this time, you believed it was yours and it was meant to be yours…
 
It was a lie!  Can’t you see that… it was a LIE!!! 
 
My mentor’s letter authenticates me and there are no lies in her words… she believes in me still, even when I have forgotten how to believe in myself…
 
How can this be… it’s so hard to fathom such unconditional acceptance of me… there is so much power in her TRUTH… it is to be my truth… I just need to keep my eyes open to the light of the truth of my existence… that I was born for a reason… my life has a purpose and I just need to keep moving forward, even through those dark places that try to take me back to my past…
 
The past is not where I belong… that is not where I was created to stay… my present and my future is where I was created to be…  I just have to trust in it and keep going strong… always towards the light of my Father in Heaven’s UNCONDITIONAL LOVE for me which shines on me in so many ways… like all the billions of stars in the sky, whose light refuses to go out and seem to shine brighter than ever, even in the darkest of nights…
 
I cannot allow the abusers of my past to snuff my light out!
 
I must NOT allow myself to snuff my own light out because of them and their lies!
 
I cannot allow the darkness of my past to stop me from seeing the light of my present or that of my future…
 
THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE MUST STAY SWITCHED ON!
 
When I read my mentors’ letter again, I cried… overwhelmed with feeling unconditionally accepted… truly belonging… truly understood… truly loved…
 
Suddenly my past lost all its power over me once more… another beautiful new day had dawned on me…
 
My mentor is arranging for me to have an assistant, and also for another trainer to mark the introductory students’ portfolios… I will miss those, but she has identified and outlined my most important function at work and I feel I will be able to really breath at last.
 
25th October ~ Wednesday
The gardener came and finished off my garden beds… what a wonderful worker he is.  In the evening after 9pm, I planted out all of my neighbour’s seedling-gift into the new beds.  I cannot  begin to tell you how much satisfaction and fulfilment I feel to have a promise of a food garden growing.
 
Between my mentors letter the day before, and my beautiful garden being prepared so well and ready for planting, I was totally hyped up by the time I went to bed… I ended up only sleeping for four hours… a disaster for me!  I need my sleep or I just don’t function the next day!
 
26th October ~ Thursday
Today was the Advanced course plenary session at Unisa.  I nearly didn’t go because I was already so tired, but I wanted to so much that I risked a possibly terrible day of tiredness and just went.  The morning started off with me feeling as though I was drifting… and depressed, even a little tearful and yawning so hard for a good few hours…  it was just ridiculous… but after a while, I seemed to get over my absolute exhaustion and the rest of the day went really well, thankfully. 
 
Dr Kanda, another mentor and friend of mine, lifted me to and from Unisa in his car and we had a chance as always to have some very deep and meaningful conversations.  As a result of my realisations once more of my own destructives mildest and behaviours, after rending my mentors letter and talking about it with Dr Kanda, I have decided to create another presentation on the subject.  As soon as I have time again, I will do so.  I am going to call it: “The self-destructive power of the damaged mind” – relating to a past of child abuse.
 
I also would like to create a presentation on the subject of: “The wounded healer” … another subject that has come up in conversation and at the workshop today.  I find it very interesting and an important topic to talk about.
 
I am so glad I was able to make it through the day at the workshop, because I thoroughly enjoyed interacting with the group there… it was a wonderful day as always.
 
To be continued…
 
Thank you for sharing with me…
 
~ Panayiota

~ Posted, 28th October 2017 ~
 
19th October – Thursday
I had plans to clean my room today... long overdue... but a student’s portfolio arrived, so I marked that instead. It was such a beautiful one once again... beautifully written... a lady who is already living Logotherapy, even long before she started to study it. Such an inspiration.  I have enjoyed this part of my work very much, but it is extremely time consuming.  When I mark a portfolio such as this one, I tend to comment quite a bit on everything, due to feeling so Logo-inspired by it all.  Once I’ve finished marking, I then have to read over all my marking to make sure it’s all good to go before finishing off and sending to my student.  Marking for me has been an absolute privilege and blessing.  I’ve learned so much from our students… each one generally chooses different ideas to speak about when answering the questions. I love the ones that are really very different… the lateral thinkers for instance… or the ones who have had certain experiences which make them focus in on different aspects of each topic.  They make the marking even more interesting than usual… I love it!
 
My sister’s Birthday:
It was my beloved sister Shev's 60th birthday today. So, for one month we are twins... hahahaa!  😊 (11 month's difference between us)... I wrote for her:
 
TWINS FOR A MONTH
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Twins for a month
My sister and I
A special celebration
That quickly goes by
And then it’s my birthday
And our twinship ends
Your back to little sister
The bestest of friends
You then love to tease me
About being old and grand
Big sister once more
I'll proudly stand
 
~ Panayiota

The photo was taken around when we attended together, the 19th World Congress of Viktor Frankl’s Logotherapy 2013, in Dallas, Texas.  But the photo was actually taken in Canada when we visited there after the congress.
 
We will take some updated photos together with our littlest sister.  We can't wait for Shev's visit next month... I’m so excited I could just POP!
 
Nobody can make me laugh more than my sister Shev and my second son... they are the only people in this world who are able to crack through all my defences to reach my funniest funny-button to release my true belly-wobbling-snorting-hooting laughter!  Oh, my goodness me, they are just magic!  I' m looking forward to exercising my authentic laughter once more... I just know it's going to happen already, because that's what they always do to me!  It's going to be crazy-time having the two of them together in one place... hahaaahaaaa!  We’re all in for a real treat I’m sure.                                                                                                                                                                
20th October:
I looked after my three nearby grandchildren tonight so that my son and daughter in law could go out together... I sleep in my grandson’s room when I have sleepovers, and this is what I have to sleep with! (bearded dragons and noisy crickets!)

This is what I did for almost 7 hours today... helping my helper’s daughter to make a house for her school project... Man it was a lot of work and my lounge was a total mess afterwards, but she was very happy and proud of herself with the results of her little house!  I wish we had more time, better equipment and more of my stuff that is still hidden in boxes, locked up in Jabba da Hutt (our outside storage room), but we did our best with what little we had available.  I encouraged my young friend to do as much on her own as possible and only helped where I felt I needed to and to speed things up a bit also.
 
22nd October - Sunday 
I went to church in the morning and to my daughter’s house in the afternoon.  She made me a really special lunch... curried chicken… and she used double cream to thicken it.  It was totally YUMMY!!!  Because I can't eat carbs (thickeners), it was really nice to have a thick stew for a change instead of my usual watery ones.  I really enjoyed it.  She also gave me some to bring home... I ate it before the day was out... too good to keep!  YUM!!!  She's a great cook!  I'd like to think I taught her 😉 ... hahahaa!  I love my daughter soooo much!
 
This is just one of those silly random things that pop up on FB… I don’t usually do them, but just decided to this time around… so sharing… because I can…
 
19 random facts about yourself...
1.            Do you make your bed every day?  Most days
2.            What's your favourite number?  3
3.            What is your dream job?  Doing it & hospice nurse & Logotherapist & art therapist
4.          If you could, would you go back to school? No!  (but I do want to study art therapy one day)
5.            Can you parallel park?  Struggle
6.            A job you had which people would be shocked that you worked at?  Nursing (professional nurse)
7.            Do you think aliens are real?  No
8.            Can you drive a stick?  Not anymore!
9.            Guilty pleasure?  CARING CANDY chocolate and sweets & avocados
10.          Tattoos?  No
11.          Favourite colour?  White & cerise pink (and pastel shades)
12.          Things people do that drive you insane?  Child abuse - any abuse...
13.          Fear?  Never making my dreams come true
14.          Favourite childhood game?  French skipping (and I was so good at it!)
15.          Do you talk to yourself?  Yes, I do and to my God and those who have gone on ahead also, because I truly believe they are still with me and love me unconditionally - I am not alone
16.          Do you like doing puzzles?  Yes
17.          Favourite music?  Classic, calm, uplifting, country… anything that's not loud or fast!!!!
18.          Tea or coffee?  Rooibos
19.          First thing you remember you wanted to be when you grew up?  Nurse
 
23rd October - Monday

My nearby daughter in law is so creative.  Here' what she did to my almost 9-year-old granddaughter’s hair for her school’s Alien day 😊 I just love it with the eyeballs on the ends!  My daughter in laws are great mothers who are actively involved in their children’s lives… this is such a comfort and joy to my heart.

Art classes with Yiayia 😉

​My grandchildren love to do art classes with me.  I sketched the little horse in the corner and my 7-year-old granddaughter copied it.  I was surprised she did such a good job!  She's brilliant! 
 
My Flower Garden:
Here’s some of the latest flowers in my garden.  I gave the rose plants to my neighbour... kept one of the red/white ones for myself... they are so beautiful.  I needed more space for my salad veggies and my neighbour needed more flowers for her garden, so we're both happy and can share the joy of both, just by visiting each other.  I love my neighbour… we get on so well and I look forward to our forever friendship.  

​In the afternoon, my neighbour surprised me with some veggie seedlings as a gift… I’m even more excited than ever about my veggie garden now!  In the evening, I planted her gift of seedlings on Wednesday 25th when our gardener came and finished off filling in with the compost he had brought for us and getting ready the lasts of the beds.  He did the most amazing job of it all.  Around 21h30, I was still planting… very late for me, but wide awake and loving it!
 
Home improvement:
Our garage ceiling was put in today... YEEEEEEEEEHAAA!!!  It's soooooooooo wonderful to have some home improvement progress at last.  As you must know by now if you’ve been following my posts, I have dreamed of using that room as a hobbies room ever since I moved here in 2012... OH JOY!   It looks like it might actually happen at last!  I’ll posts before and after photos as soon as it’s done 😊
 
Journaling to be continued…
 
Thanks so much for sharing with me.
 
~ Panayiota

~ Posted 18 October 2017 ~
 
The losses and stress of the hard drive crash of June 25th this year was so devastating to me, that I nearly lost it completely. 
 
The meaning of my life seemed to have crumbled in an instant… my soul ripped out, roots and all… I felt as though I had nothing of value to work towards anymore. Yes, I still had family to live for, and responsibilities to uphold, but without a sense of soul, one is left empty of desire to keep moving forward.
 
Thoughts of an easy death-escape from it all did cross my mind continuously.  I cannot understand what could have kept me going during that time when I believed that almost all my poetry was lost and knew that all the recent self-editing on my book was definitely gone!  I just felt as though this was one blow from Life too difficult to bear and one I could NOT recover from.
 
When thoughts of death come to mind, one starts thinking about what they would like written on their gravestone… well, I certainly do… I think I have settled for the words, “Unstoppable Woman of Integrity” … but that would mean, that I could not take my own life or those words would no longer apply for my gravestone! 
 
But one thing I knew for sure was that my true name, Panayiota, would have to be on my gravestone… so that at last, nobody would be able to dishonour or take that away from me ever again.  At last, my name could be honoured in my death… etched in stone forever!  Then, only the voice of those who refused to recognise my name while I lived would still be able to refer to me as Pat after I’d died.  I would no longer choose to listen to their voice, but I could still visit my gravestone in sprit to see my true name there and be happy for that. 
 
The hard drive crash did something to me… made me determined not to go out of this world being recognised or accused of being someone I was not, so I started to sign off all my letters, even at work, as Panayiota.  I changed my name on all the forms, to my true name… I was angry about what Life had done as far as the hard drive crash went, so I had made up my mind to rebel against all life by demanding that if nothing else could ever be sure and stable in my life… at least I’d make sure that my name would be!
 
But, all the while, I was losing grips on my own reality and self-image as a result of the guilt and shame, the stress-exhaustion and sense of failure and extreme frustrations I was experiencing as I tried so hard to put all the pieces of my office works back together again, whilst neglecting my own life-works and needs.  My sense of responsibility towards my work had become more important in my mind than my sense of responsibility and care towards myself. 
 
I was losing my sense of self in the chaos of the hard drive devastation!  So much so, that I even started to disconnect with my true name… who did I think I was to demand recognition of my own name… I was a nobody once again (script messages from my past) … not worthy of my true name… not worthy of belonging to the Greek side of my heritage… not even my Greek family recognised my name which has always left me with a sense of “not belonging to them or being fully accepted by them”
 
A worthless outcast with a name that did not belong to me…
 
I recently started to give up on my own quest for authenticity… I just gave in to the pressures of life… I stopped recognising my own name…
 
And so, I found myself gradually reverting back to my nickname… (a shortened form of my true name which I really don’t mind too much). I found myself deleting  my true name and just signing off with my nickname instead... (What's the use!)
 
BUT NOT PAT!  A name my mother chose to get back at my father after their divorce…

Panayiota was my dad's mother’s name… my beloved Greek Yiayia (granny) who I don't think I ever got to meet, but I have always felt connect with her on a spiritual level... I feel her love and believe she watches over me from the other side and that she is proud of me.
 
Pat was a friend of my mothers who had lots of cats… my mother renamed me Patty after her.
 
But, something special had begun to happen... certain of my most precious friends had started to use my true name when writing to me and every time they did, I felt a strengthening gift being given to me by them.  They were honouring my name and were thus honouring me.  To them I was not invisible… they fitted me with my true identity… my true name… I felt accepted by them… I felt loved… truly authenticated… a sense of being pulled back from the latest trail that seemed to be so bent on leading me towards “giving up and giving in”…
 
I had recently congratulated a more distant young friend on Linkedin for being in a new job, and he responded, using my true name in addressing me.  I was surprised as I did not expect it from this person who I believe doesn’t know me that well, and so I wrote back to him:
 
“How very special that you used my true name… not even most of my family afford me that honour.  I am so uplifted and grateful this morning.  Thank you so much!
 
And he responded:
 
“You are welcome :) A person's name is a sacred thing. Plus, you have a beautiful name”
 
He truly honoured me and authenticated me by his kind words.  This young man, Ryan, and his dear family will feel a lot closer to me from now on… on the level of safe and trusted friendship, even though we do not see each other very often or know each other very well.
 
Thank you…
 
~ Panayiota

~ Posted 18 October 2017 ~
 
On Sunday 15th, I attended our Logotherapy supervision meeting with our clinical trainers.  Our meeting was supposed to be the week before, but was changed to a week later at the last minute, so as a result, I sadly had to miss my grandchildren’s church presentation, because I had been asked to present at our meeting and it was too late to expect someone else to come up with something to present.  If I was not presenting, I would never-ever have missed my grandchildren’s presentation.
 
When I arrived at Dot’s house where we all met, my fellow Logotherapist Marlene, invited some of us to come and say hello to one of the horses.  Of course, I was very happy to do so…  my love for horses reaching right back to my adolescent years. 
 
We petted the horse over the wooden fence, and then Marlene invited us to come in if we wanted to get closer to the horse.  I felt a little nervous, but trusted her, so I went in and stood right next to the beautiful white Arab horse and immediately started to feel the distancing (dissociation) happening as I rubbed her and talked to her.  She took notice of me, turning her head, looking me in the eyes and even licked my hand.  I had the sudden urge to hug her and voiced my desire, “I feel like giving her such a big hug, just like when I hug a tree” … I giggled at my own ridiculous comment, but Marlene said I could and encouraged me to hug the horse, so again, I trusted her and I did just that…
 
Instant flashback to my past… a bucket of tears… Patty had surfaced… or was it Patricia… surely Patricia… I don’t always know exactly what part of me has surfaced… deepest-darkest sadness… I see myself holding onto a horse from my past… there is darkness all around me… I’m totally alone in there… except for the horse… the horse is the light that I’m holding onto… I can’t remember the exact horse or much else… just my overwhelming emotions in that darkness… and the rescuing hug…  
 
Molested and raped the night before by my stepfather… a mother who was not interested and did nothing to protect us from him (or her) … she worked nights… I tried to tell her how sore I was... she was either blind and deaf, or I was totally invisible to her…
 
But the beautiful horse could see me… it could hear me… it’s love was unconditional and I could trust it… it was my only true friend besides my little sister, Shev.  (Sharon is her true name, but most have known her as Shev since our adolescent days and she identifies with her nickname).  Shev is 11 months younger than me and tomorrow, 19th October, is her 60th birthday… for one month we joke about being twins… then 23rd November, I turn 61… then I’m her big sister again and she teases me about being so old… hahahaa! 
 
Anyway… I don’t remember much else about that moment in time on Sunday, other than the flashback and deep feelings of sadness, and at the same time, an overwhelming sense of being loved and protected as I held onto that beautiful Arab horse.  I didn’t get her name… was she a girl… I am not even 100% sure if she was white… but I think I’m right.  I remember Marlene’s soothing voice… aware that there were people around… I needed to get away, because the emotions were so overwhelming inside of me… so I escaped under the fence to the bathroom where I pulled myself together and could breathe again.  I remember feeling like I was dropping through the ground as I walked away… dizzy and not too sure-footed… feeling like I had to be careful how I walked, because I didn’t want to make a spectacle of myself by falling in front of them all! 
 
I pulled myself together quickly and we then all met for my presentation.  I presented my new presentation which I’d only ever presented once before last year at one of our student’s workshops.  I wish I could remember if I presented to the Introductory or Intermediate students.  If I don’t write things down straight away, I forget.  This presentation was one that my mentor specifically asked me to put together, to share what my life used to be like before Logotherapy and how it is now as a result of Logotherapy… I absolutely loved putting it together, even though it was uncomfortable rehashing over some of my past to do so.  When I presented to the students last year and my mentor saw it for the first time, she loved it and cried as she commented on it afterwards. 
 
The title of the presentation is:  My Journey to Meaningful Healing and Freedom from Suffering Through Logotherapy ~ Part 2
 
I love how special our Logotherapy family are… every time we meet, they have done their best to accommodate me and my special diet… often going the extra mile, by either making me my own salad to my dietary specifications, or as with this time around, Dot organized the most delicious Banting surprise for me… a carrot cake, some kind of nut crisps, sausage rolls, etc.  I was a little nervous about eating something so different to what I’m used to, so I didn’t eat a lot, but oh my… it was totally delicious.  I could have eaten that entire carrot cake finished with ease if I had half a chance!  Thinking that I’d eaten more carbs than usual, I predicted a headache for the next day, but it never happened… so I did well not to eat too much.
 
I had a very emotional day all in all… it was an overwhelming wonderful day.  Sometimes, even too much of a good thing can cause emotional turmoil in me… I don’t know how to assimilate it all in my head… and there really was so much good in that day.  I was totally wiped out for a full day afterwards and just wanted to sleep.
 
I think that with my mother suffering from a manic kind of depression, we became afraid of her highs, because they always ended in low-disasters as her emotions crashed so often… so I have not learned how to trust highs and good times… hence a sense of celebration melancholy around celebratory times such as Christmas, and I’m already struggling on an emotional level, just knowing that my faraway sister Shev, is going to visit soon.  I’m already feeling a sense of loss at the idea that she will only leave again once her visit is over… fear of getting too close, because I fear the intensity of my own emotions when it comes to goodbyes.
 
How do I STOP this age-old destructive thought process that I struggle with… the intrusive thought patterns, etc?  I must focus on THE PRECIOUS MOMENTS we will have together… not the sad goodbye…
 
I’M WORKING ON IT!!!
 
On Sunday also, I had a healing moment with a friendship that was broken a while back … and even if it was only ever to be a moment in time, I will cherish it… 
 
Embracing and treasuring the moments life allows and gives so freely to me.  I am so blessed by those precious moments and feel very grateful for each one ♥
 
 
I am willing to present and share my life and Logotherapy with the world out there…
I felt a bit nervous about presenting such personal slides to our supervision group on Sunday, but all worked out well in the end and they seemed to genuinely enjoy it also, so I do feel a lot better about it now and would be happy to present wherever I can, so long as it’s not far and one of my co-Logotherapist trainers can attend with me to answer the questions I fumble over.  In general, I charge R500 to present close to home, but for charitable organizations doing work to help those that struggle emotionally and otherwise, I would only expect petrol money, because I can’t afford that also… we barely make it through each month as it is at the moment with certain changes in our financial situation.  I am also happy to present at family homes (for friends and family) nearby where I’d ask R100 per person attending, even if only one or two.
 
Friends and family have once again assisted us lovingly this month, so all is going to be alright once again… Thank you to those who have been there for us… Lots of love and gratitude to you ♥♥♥
 
Thank you for sharing with me today… I am grateful to all who follow my blog. 
Please feel free to comment.
 
~ Panayiota

~ Posted 16th October 2017 ~ ​

​9th October 2017 ~ Monday
This day started our really beautifully.  At last, something was going to be done about my garage which I have dreamed of turning into a spare room for so long… since we moved here, which if I remember right, was November 29th, 2012.   Our house is very small, so an extra room set up for sewing and my arts and crafts would be amazing and just so wonderful to me and something I really do need and would love very much.
 
I have been blessed with many creative talents… just not much time, and very little space to use them as much or as often as I’d like.  So much of what I want to do someday is still stuck in boxes in our shed (“Jabba the Hutt” as my son calls it).  All my materials and art things. I have no room to take them out. For 30 years in my other house, they were in boxes, lost and stuck underneath piles of other boxes and STUFF! … under the belly of the “Hoarding Monster” waiting for “ONE DAY”!  When I moved here in 2012, I had to throw/give away soooooo much that I still treasured and wanted to use one day, because there was no space to bring it with.  I felt I had a part of my soul ripped out in that move.  My garage here is where I would like to make another room where I can nurture my creative side… break a hole through the wall of my lounge into the garage… put a door between for easy access...
 
There’s a roll-up door on each end of my garage and a covered lock-up carport for my car, so I don’t need the garage for the car. One garage door can be removed to put up a wall and door instead, to help keep the dust out. The garage collects so much dust, that I can’t do anything in there, so everything has had to stay in boxes. I kept trying to save for the garage makeover, but every time I was almost there, some emergency or other cropped up and the money I’d saved had to be used for that instead.  It was the same thing this time, but I refused to touch it!  I’d made up my mind that I’d rather starve than give up my “hole in the wall” dream again!  So, I had finally saved up enough money to have a ceiling put in the garage and I paid our handyman, Peter, before I could do another thing with that money. 
 
Peter arrived today (9th October) and started to put the wooden cleats in (I think that’s what they are called) … to support the ceiling panels which he still needs to do on another day.  He was still busy with the job when we noticed a terrible storm coming… the sky went black and it looked like night time, so he went home as quickly as he could to make sure his car was safe from damage in his garage.  (When it gets that dark, you just know it’s going to be a bad storm!) 
 
Next thing, the most terrible hail storm and tornado passed through our city… broke through my shed windows throwing glass, rain and hail into the shed… three windows broken!  

Just when there was hope to use my stuff at last, it’s been threatened by water damage and there’s nothing I can do to check… no time… no energy… no strength to do it on my own… arthritis in my hands which is aggravated if I use them for heavy work… so I just left the door of the shed open for two days in the hopes that the boxes would dry and nothing is damaged.  
 
My beautiful new vegetable garden was demolished… only a week after I’d planted my seedlings.  A few scraggly, spindly seedling stalks remain… I’m hoping they will make a comeback… ​

Images:  Storm shredded eggplant, green pepper and parsely seedlings
 
A dear Israeli friend, quoted on a letter of comfort that she sent me after hearing about our storm damage:
 
"Roots​ deeply​ secure in the fertile soil can survive​ anything on the surface. What looks "dead" is only an illusion. God's "magic" is in the soil" ~ Miryam Heiliczer
 
I thought her reassuring words were so lovely, and at the end of her letter she wrote:
 
“Blessings dear friend.  In the wake of the tornadoes in our lives, look at the strong roots in God's tender care and not at shredded remnants.  It's the soil that nourishes and causes rebirth” ~ Miryam Heiliczer
 
I am more hopeful now that my plants will recover better and stronger than before, and so, I am no longer perplexed at the damage done to them… I think I am more perplexed at the greater damage that others suffered to their property as well as injuries and lives lost.  We heard sirens going for hours after the storm… it must have been chaos out there!
 
A few things about the storm shook me up and since then, depression set in which I found really hard to shake off.  The day after the storm was a particularly hard one for me, but some beautiful things happened as a result of the storm also which I try to keep my focus on.
 
Peter, our handyman came to screw a piece of corrugated iron over the broken windows, so the rain and hail cannot threaten my stuff again.  He has not been back to finish the ceiling yet because he’s been busy fixing other people’s broken windows, so I understand perfectly… the ceiling can wait.
 
The things that for days, haunted me most about the storm, was that after the storm my three grandchildren were so excited to go pick up the hail.  My grandson ran out to the thickest pile of hail, right next to the shed, and started to form a mound out of it all… attempting to make a snowman.  We had not noticed yet that the windows had been broken!  Under and amongst the hail pile, there was shards of glass everywhere!  And yes, he nicked his finger and it bled for ages.  It wasn’t a bad nick, but it upset me terribly nevertheless! 
 
The other thing that I found really disturbing, was that immediately after the big storm, (sun shining again… weird weather we have here!) a dear friend, Susan, offered us a sheet of plastic to cover our broken windows with, to protect the shed from more rain getting in, should it rain again.  So, my son opened the carport gate ready to drive the car out, but ran in to call me to come look at something.  From my kitchen doorstep, I could see another dark storm on the way… but what was amazing, was to see the thick white wall of rain and hail heading up our street towards us and the alarmingly loud sound it made… it actually scared me.  I told him to quickly lock up the gate again and come in.  As he was locking the gate he shouted… “Mom, there’s two ladies on the street!” and I screamed to him to tell them to come in quickly, but it was too late… I ran out also to see if we could call them, but they were too far and the storm was too loud!  Both huddled under one umbrella with the hailstorm right at their backs… I wanted my son to run and call them, but by then, it was too dangerous for him to go out as the storm was upon us already… I had just been pelted by a large hailstone on the back of my neck and it stung really sore, so my motherly instincts felt to protect my son first and foremost… there was nothing we could do to help the ladies and barely made it inside being pelted repeatedly by the hail and drenched by the rain…
 
I was left haunted by that image of the ladies holding onto each other with their umbrella as they walked away in the distance with the hailstorm pelting them… it disturbed me greatly for days and still upsets me when I think about it.  I just pray that they made it to shelter and weren’t hurt. 

Another thing that bothered me a lot after the storm, was my imaging about what could have happened to the little shelter I always see in a grassy area that we pass on the way to our grocery store.  Built against a tree stump in the middle of the field. I always wondered about that little shelter... whose crude little home was it, made out of plastic, cardboard and pieces of wood.  I've never seen anyone there, but the little shelter is always standing... barely tall enough for a man to crawl in to sleep at night.  I worried a lot about what could have become of his home... where would he be sleeping that night.  Driving past a while after the storm, I could see that the shelter was damaged and it's top was missing.  God bless the owner of that simple dwelling, whoever he might be.
 
Trees and electricity poles were blown down all over our city… people lost the roofs of their houses and some even lost their shack homes.  The complex where my son and daughter in law live was where the actual tornado passed through!  They suffered 7 broken windows and a small protection roof was ripped off of their wall.  My daughter in law was unable to come and collect the children from my home, because of a tree that had fallen across the road in their complex.  My son came here from work as soon as he was able in the evening.  My sister suffered 8 broken windows on her house, a cracked windscreen on her little red car and a few more hail dents to add to the damage done in a previous hailstorm.  A tree fell across the driveway of her and her husband’s business… nobody could get in or out until it was cleared. 
 
There was a small moment of beauty in the storm for me though… like when my sister popped in later in the day to check if I was okay.  I had experienced a mild panic attack a short while after the storm for some reason.  Nobody would have known, but she phoned when I was struggling to breathe, so I had a problem responding to her on the phone and she picked up on it.  I felt grateful that she cared enough.  

Also, when the first most violent storm hit, my front door and bathroom window was still open, so the storm blew right inside, hailstones, rain and wind… I had to rush to go close them.  After shutting the back door, and while we were picking up the pieces of hail and mopping up, I found a beautiful piece of shrub lying on the floor.  It must have been knocked off of someone’s tree and blown however far, landing in my kitchen.  I don’t know why I delighted in it so much, but I did… it made me happy, because it was so pretty and I kept it in water for a few days before planting it… I’m sure it won’t grow, but you never know.  I’d cherish it if it grew.  So, this little broken off piece of a beautiful variegated plant may have easily been looked over in the midst of the storm, but to me it’s beauty coming into my home during the storm brought to me a sense of promise and hope. ​

​Image: The beautiful piece of variegated plant that blew into my kitchen.
 
One other thing that really worried me after the storm, was how many birds must have been affected by it.  How many nests might have been ripped up… how many birds hurt or killed.  Indeed, a number of friends mentioned finding dead birds in their yard after the storm had passed.  What worried me most was “our noisy little bird”.  Every morning since we moved here, a little mail cape sparrow has woken us up every summer morning, sometimes as early as 04h30.  Oh my goodness me, talk about “the early bird catches the worm” … this little bird is always so delighted to greet the new day, that he chirps as loud as he possibly can for what seems like at least an hour before flying to the other side of our house and chirping there for a while longer before setting off on his days adventures.  Without fail, he wakes me up early every morning.  Now, I don’t know how long a little Cape sparrow can live for, but this has been going on since we moved here in 2012, so either it’s the same little bird still, or the fathers have been training their fledglings really well in the art of “joyfully greeting each new day”!  When I hear that chirping, I am reminded to say my own prayer of gratitude to my Father in Heaven, for giving me a new day to progress and serve where I can… to love and be loved… and to find further healing wherever possible. 
 
So, after that storm, my heart began to hurt, wondering if I would hear our little bird chirping its’ sweet feathery head off in the morning…
 
I was absolutely delighted the next morning to be woken once more by his loud rejoicing in the new day… and I rejoiced with him… PURE JOY!  I really didn’t care anymore that my seedlings had been broken by the storm… I believe that they will recover stronger than ever.  If that little bird could still rejoice so sweetly for the new day after such a terrible storm, then I too will take a lesson from it and try to do the same every new day.
 
Thank you for sharing with me
 
~ Panayiota

Compiled and shared ~ 13th October 2017 ~
 
26th September 2017 ~ Tuesday
This evening we had our town house meeting.  I can’t tell you how nervous I was.  You’d think I was at school still and was going to have to face the headmaster!  Ridiculous.  Anyway, my neighbour accompanied me so it wasn’t too bad.  I imagined that the body corporate were scary people who were always watching us… maybe even looking over our walls to make sure you obeyed the rules and that they worked things to see how much money they could get out of us, but after this meeting, I understood things better and feel safer and more at peace in my little house now.

27th September ~ Wednesday
My daughter in law came to pick up the children in the evening and brought some salad groceries and cheese with her.  We have been so blessed this month by the kindness of friends and family, and have gotten through by the Grace of God.

Our garden helper called me on the phone to collect him along with a good few bags of compost that he’d collected for my garden.  What a blessing he is also.  He helped mix the compost and a bag of manure we had bought previously into the one long garden bed so that it would be ready for planting seedlings into.  When it was time to give him a lift back to his house, he loaded my car with the remaining bags of garden refuse which I had struggled to get rid of for quite some time.  I was so grateful to him for just taking charge of what he could see needed to be done without us even asking him.  Both the bringing of compost and taking away of garden refuse was his idea… he’s a very good man.  He also took the empty bags back with him to fill with more compost for our last bed that needs topping up.

In the afternoon, I shortened and pinned my daughter’s new jeans… that also gave me a sense of happiness… to still be able to do mom-things for my children… pure joy!

28th September ~ Thursday
In the morning I accompanied my little sister to the hospital for a small procedure she was getting done.  As I waited for her in the waiting room with quite a few people sitting there too, I found myself yawning my sweet little head off with tears rolling down my cheeks from it all!  Oh, my goodness me, how embarrassing.  I realised that without doubt now, yawning is my stress response to being in stressful social situations… even as mildly stressful as sitting in a room full of strangers in a hospital waiting room.  I also yawn like that when I’m at the university with our Logotherapy group there… fear of being asked a question I can’t answer and making a fool of myself, etc. can trigger the yawning attack. I sometimes experience it at church too and when I go to pick up my grandchildren… just leaving the safety of my car to go meet the little one at her class and having to walk among strangers to do so… by the time I get back to the car, you’d think I hadn’t slept in a week the way I yawn… my poor grandchild must think I’m terribly board with her conversation… hahaha!

In the afternoon today, I prepared for a student’s exam tomorrow.  This one student was not able to make a plan to attend the workshop in November… the July workshop had been postponed due to our mentor’s accident.  So, we arranged for her to take her exam while she is on holiday visiting her family in Johannesburg.

29th September ~ Friday
Today my youngest son was off duty to accompany me to the East Rand Mall to meet my student.  At the Mug and Bean, I presented to the student from my computer and she did her exam right there.  She insisted that she had no problem concentrating in crowded and noisy places and she also chose the place for us to meet.  Her husband sat nearby and later, kindly took a look at my computer to see if he could set up all my e-mail addresses to come to one e-mail address… but for some reason we couldn’t get it right.  Another friend and Logotherapy trainer joined us right at the end, in time to answer the student’s questions on the way forward with her Logotherapy courses.  I had a special time with my student and her husband, my son and my trainer friend.

When we used to live in Benoni for over 30 years, our one most favourite place to visit was the Flora Farm garden nursery.  The quality of the seedlings and plants there would rival any other nursery that I’ve ever visited… they have really healthy and strong plants.  My son and I were so excited that we still had time to go visit there before it closed for the day.  Of course, we could not come home empty handed and I bought a few vegetable seedlings, knowing that if they grew well, we could potentially save a lot of money, especially on my regular salad requirements.

The seedlings we bought:  perpetual lettuce, frilled parsley, green pepper, egg fruit and chives.

I was unbelievably energised after our Flora Farm visit and couldn’t wait to get home to plant our new seedlings out in our new garden bed.  As soon as I arrived home, I planted them and I felt so happy and content by the end of the day.  I love having a food garden… it gives me a real sense of security and joy.

30th September ~ Saturday
Blessed by cooler, overcast weather, our seedlings had hardly wilted at all after their transplant and looked as though they had settled in really well.

A friend called to ask if I’d look after her disabled child for a few hours, so while there, I finished sewing my daughter’s trousers.  Of course, I still do the herringbone style of hemming that I learned at school… tiny crisscross stitches… just like my teacher of many years before had taught us… Miss. Dauber was her name if I remember right.

In the afternoon, I marked the student’s exam and sent her, her mark and certificate.

With new plants, I’d need to water twice a day and keep up with weeding… but gratefully, the cooler weather and occasional rain showers has gone a long way towards helping my seedlings to set their roots in.  Today, I also planted a few bush zucchini seeds, red onions and spinach seeds… oh… and some bush beans.

1st October ~ Sunday
I had an off day today… felt ill… upset tummy, headachy, weak and felt very flat, so it was a bit of a wasted day… I didn’t get much done at all.  I did spend some time in my garden though and secured a cherry tomato bush to sticks.  It was a tomato bush that had come up on its own… I never planted it… I always say that those that come up on their own, are Gifts from Heaven, so I take extra special care of them.

During the day, my son took my car to my daughter’s house where my favourite, one and only son-in-law’s replaced the thermostat on my car.  My car has been boiling after short trips, so my son-in-law wanted to see if it would improve after the thermostat change, and so far, so good.

My son came home with curry and salad from my daughter for our supper… a most delicious and welcomed surprise.  My daughter sure knows how to cook!

2nd October ~ Monday
I received an unexpected phone call today from my mentor who invited me to join her and her husband at our favourite meeting place… the Cow Farm in Pretoria.  I couldn’t get there quick enough and we had a truly lovely and peaceful time together over lunch.  I needed today so very much.  I have been beating myself up terribly since the hard drive crash in June, and the unconditional love and reassurance I received today was sorely needed in so many ways.

After lunch, we visited the farm stall, petted the calves and I hugged the big tree that I love there… hugging that tree is totally irresistible to me!  I don’t care what anyone thinks of me… I’m a tree hugger and I love it! 

During the morning, before I went to Pretoria, our handyman surprised me with a visit… he had taken two working taps off of an old basin and came to exchange them for the broken taps we’ve had on our kitchen sink since we moved in to this house in 2012.  Their heads could not be secured, so they kept falling off and broke many a glass or plate while we were washing dishes, and they had been dripping for a while also.  It is wonderful now to have our kitchen taps in working order and no more dripping… thanks to our kind handyman.  He did not charge us for that job.  I am grateful to him.

We also have a next door neighbour who loves to spoil us, so she too is always popping around with some yummy surprise or other… she is such a sweetheart.

What a lovely day full of wonderful surprises!

Before our handyman left, we heard a huge crash… one of our neighbours security gate fell off of the rails… so thankfully we were all able to go over to help her set it back on the rails.  We think that perhaps a crook had tried to tamper with her gate during the night.

5th October ~ Thursday
We found a frog hopping around in our lounge this morning… my inner child squealed with delight!  We took it out to our rain drenched garden where it happily hopped away.

Later in the day, I received an email of doubt in me, from a friend that absolutely shattered me… instant deep depression and suicidal thoughts buzzed around in my head for hours on end.  To help myself, I checked in on a friend who I knew was also in a very depressed state after a family squabble… being there for my friend helped me, so that worked well.  I did not let on that I was also depressed.

9th October ~ Monday
A tornado and terrible hailstorm hit our city… I’ll write about that in another blog post as soon as I can find time.
 
Thank you for sharing with me.  Please feel free to post a comment.
 
~ Panayiota

Gardening News:  It turns out that I can't post videos or audio messages on my blog, because I can't afford the upgrade, but realised I can post videos on Facebook... so, if you're interested to see why I'm so happy and grateful to have a wall built around my garden beds now, go check out the video on "Patty's Keys" Facebook page... I've temporarily pinned it to the top of the page so you can find it easily. 

Because I'm always so busy, I don't do much on my Patty's Keys Facebook page... I just post a few things from time to time that I find inspiring and stuff I feel is important and feel might inspire others who see the page.  It will be a good place though to connect blog posts with videos I might want to share, so please do go there to see the latest and Like/Follow "Patty's Keys" while you're there... just because it will make me feel good if you do... (smiling)  Thank you.

The post I wanted to add a video too was called: "Spending time with my children... Pure Bliss ♥, although, on the Facebook page, it's title is September 25th, 2017... which was the day I posted it

Today I have been gardening... sooooooooo wonderful and relaxing... just what I needed!  My wonderful garden helper came once again with loads of compost he found for me under a pile of garden refuse people had thrown away over time.  He called to say he had it ready and asked me to come pick it and him up.  After he had built the walls a little while ago, it was obvious that we now needed soil imported into our yard to fill the beds level with the walls.  He came up with the plan on his own... wanting to serve and do what he could to help, even though it meant more work for him.  

Today when I picked him up, and he piled my car full with the bags of compost he had collected, I actually burst into tears, my gratitude towards his gift of service to my son and I felt completely overwhelming.  I had put aside payment for two days work at my home, so I was able to pay him, but all I could think was how easily this man could be used and surely would be, because of his strong desire to serve.  Surely there are people out there taking advantage of his good nature and intentions.  He even said to me, that he would be back with more compost to fill the remaining bed that needs it.  What a truly good man he is.

My daughter and I are going to see what old clothes, etc. we have to pass onto him and his wife, as a way of further thanking him for his kindness and assistance, and when my herbs and vegetables are growing well, my son and I will share with him for sure!  He deserves to be blessed by others also to show that his efforts are honoured and respected and very much appreciated.

After he left, I set about planting seedlings and seeds to get my summer veggie garden going asap. 

The seedlings I planted:  Parsley, chives, aubergines, green peppers and lettuce. 
The seeds I planted:  Red onions, bush Zucchini, Spinach and bush beans.  

Just after I planted, we had a hail storm... but thankfully no damage was done.  This cloudy, drizzly weather is perfect for planting out seedlings.  It will give their roots a chance to set before it gets too hot.  It will also help them not to be shocked by their move, which could cause a setback in their growth... even stunted growth.

Rocket:
I also need to plant some rocket seeds in the next few days... they are vital to health and every garden should have rocket growing in it for salads.  The famous South African herb lady, Margaret Roberts shared that Rocket was almost a complete food on its own.  It contains many vitamins and minerals and is a good body cleanser.  It grows and seeds itself easily and I would encourage everyone to plant and eat it fresh from your own gardens. It's delicious in a salad and on tomato and onion sandwich, although I eat the leaves with any meal, because I believe 100% in the goodness of Rocket.  Margaret actually said that you could avoid malnutrition in a disaster, by eating rocket and drinking water if there was nothing else.  I have some seeds if any local readers would like to try them out (my friends and relatives).  I can't afford to post though, so look out where seeds are sold to see if you can find them.

Other edible plants I have growing in our tiny garden at the moment:  Strawberries, thyme, oregano, garlic, bay leaf, lemon verbena, fennel, garlic (normal and giant), lemon tree, pomegranate tree and butter avocado pear tree (all trees in pots, except for the lemon tree which my dad bought for me when I first moved here).  I'm also growing, soup celery, rose scented geranium, which is so tasty in sugar syrup, such as koeksister syrup... YUM!... we're also already eating spinach which I grew over winter, and there's a cherry tomato that grew itself over winter and has green tomatoes on already... and there's also lots of tomato seedlings waiting to be planted out when another bed is made for them.

To try and make money, my son bought a pile of little pots at the beginning of the month, which he plans to fill and plant something in to sell at the shop where he works.  I was proud of him for taking the initiative to help us further financially.  Kindness is also still coming to us in the form of donations to help us get by, so we are grateful for the beautiful friends and family in our world.
I’d just written that when my neighbour knocked on our door with two big plates of food and pudding also.  Leftovers from her husband’s family birthday party.  What a surprise and once again, a lovely blessing of love.  My youngest son will have two days of eating like a king… such a delicious real Afrikaans feast!  He’s going to love it! 

I started the day off in tears, but thankfully feel so good right now...

LIFE has hugged me today ♥ ♥ ♥ 

Goodnight beautiful world and thank you for sharing with me once again. 

~ Panayiota

Strange how things work out, and how Life sends messages of hope, reassurance love and strength just when I need it most. 
 
Yesterday, a hint from a dear friend, of doubting something I had done, shook me to the core and sent me straight back into the depths of the doldrums again.  Oh, my goodness me… It happens so easily and so quick… and the cloudy, drizzly, cold weather didn’t help one bit.  I was in tears all morning… OH WOE IS ME! 
 
Feelings of I DON’T BELONG… NOBODY REALLY LOVES ME… eating worms…!!!
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKQmcfTJ1GA
 
Suicidal thoughts once again filled my mind… visualizing what I’d do… visualizing what I’d write…  maybe a WhatsApp to say goodbye to my loved ones and reassure them that it’s not their fault and that I love them.  But I know…
 
FORCING A SEPARATION FROM A LOVED ONE IS NOT LOVE! – even though it feels very much like, I will be doing them a favour… taking myself (a burden) away from them… setting them free of me!   
 
Of course, I know I won’t do it… I’m sure I won’t… but the urge is so strong!  To self-injure also… but thankfully, I didn’t go there… I don’t think I will ever do that again either. 
 
Too many responsibilities… too much to do still… it all feels burdensome right now… finding the ENERGISING VOOMA of meaning in my life seems to be lacking greatly, because since the computer crash, making a comeback just seems to be TOO HARD… and I still have feelings of BEING JUDGED as a failure and idiot because of it… I’m struggling to get past that… it can take one small thing, like a friend’s hint at doubting me (accusing, judging), to set it all off again…
 
POWERFUL SCRIPT MESSAGES FROM MY PAST… I will never amount to anything… I’m useless… good for nothing… nobody could possibly love me…
 
Our crashing financial situation is also not helping… I feel very insecure when that happens and that sets off a downward spiral of its own… yet, we have never starved… the miracles always come… I HAVE TO KEEP REMINDING MYSELF OF THAT!!!  Keep my faith…
 
My beloved sister should be visiting soon… but even that is stressing me out.  It shouldn’t be… I should be rejoicing in her visit, but my stress at this time, financial struggle and being unable to have her at my house during her stay (my house is just too small)… would be unable to give her decent meals, etc.  I’m finding that very distressing to the point of finding no joy right now… like I’m blocking the hope of joy, because I’m not able to visualize it through all of my current struggle…
 
My sister wrote early yesterday morning and asked how I was… we have always been very open and honest with each other so I responded…
 
“...Updating is not a good idea… not in a good place anymore… very little left… but still moving forward… I can’t even feel excited about you coming, because I can’t imagine that I will have enough time or strength left to enjoy our time together… it’s that bad… so it’s actually hurting to imagine you coming and not being able to be fully there for and with you…
 
I hold onto the thought of us together in Israel next year, but I won’t have a cent to take with or to spend on or for the holiday or food or anything… so even that thought has to be pushed back… I feel there is nothing to really hold onto right now… the computer crash has messed with my head… finances have also crashed completely…”
 
And without her even knowing how miserable I really was yesterday, she wrote this morning…
 
“Hi Panny,
 
So good to hear from you, I love you and am so sorry to hear of your plight. You do need to find a will to meaning again. Don't give up ever.  I can't wait to be with you again and also to see Teria (our mentor). A very special lady…    
 
…Well dear sister. Not long and we will be together for a visit. I am excited.

Love you longtime, blessings and peace.
Shev (my sister’s nickname since school days)”
 
There is just something so uplifting in her words… my hope feels renewed… everything is going to be ok.  Her LOVE, I need never doubt.  I feel I can become excited too now for her visit… how could I not.  I love her so much.
 
Yesterday, while I was in the doldrums, I decided to reach out to someone else who I knew was also in the doldrums after a big family breakdown… you’d think that’s when I should avoid more misery, but I knew that this friend needed a friend to talk to and in the process of being there for her, I would surely help myself… and it worked… I did feel better afterwards… my problems didn’t seem so overwhelming anymore.  Of course, I did not share my problems with her... it was all about her when I connected with her.
 
That’s one thing Logotherapy has taught me… a valuable life-lesson… and that’s not to just sit and wallow all alone and forlorn in the depths of my doldrums, but to take action to lift myself out of that place and as quickly as possible… TAKING ACTION WORKS… it is worth the effort needed to cause change in a situation, mood, etc.… in my case… to change my emotional low to find a reason to rise from it… to transcend it… to take control of  my own downcast  mood… not allow it to consume me… to take charge over it… I DID IT AND IT WORKED and hopefully my friend was helped also in the process!
 
Then in the evening, I spoke to someone who identified greatly with my abuse-story… it came up when she saw a collage hanging on my wall that I’d once made… I will share the story around that collage with you all sometime… I hope I haven’t already.  She wanted to know about it and that’s why my story of abuse came up… she admitted that she too, suffers regularly with deep doldrums-states such as mine… I think we are to become good friends… what a blessing came into my day, even as a result of my doldrums-state which I was able to discuss freely with this person… which created a deep sharing moment which might ultimately also bring greater healing for us both.  I sensed a deep and pure love in this woman that has grown as a result of her past sufferings… it was beautiful to be around someone so REAL and lovely… kindred spirits.  I feel the same sense of pure and genuine love when I spend time with my dear neighbor friend who has just been declared cancer free after her treatments for cancer.
 
I dread getting too close to people… because if things go wrong once I’ve allowed love and trust in, that’s always extremely painful for me… but I’m giving myself permission these days… taking my chances… I’ve learned that I need to allow LOVE in, to accept what I can of love while it is being given… to TRUST more… because I NEED LOVE for my own survival needs… and I NEED TO BE ABLE TO LOVE also…
 
I FIND MY TRUE SENSE OF FREEDOM IN BEING LOVED AND BEING ABLE TO LOVE…
 
When I was a senior in a boarding school called, Jameson High School, in Gatooma, Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe), a junior friend wrote this for me.  I have always kept it, and hope to meet with my young friend again some day!  I wish now, that somehow, I could go back and ask her, what made her write this poem for me… did she really write it on her own, and other such questions.  I don’t remember her well, but I have always loved her poem to me, and felt the love and respect for me that came with it.  You know… along life’s path, it is often the ones who loved you and believed in you, who you will remember most for their goodness when you grow up.  This young girl’s name was Beverly, and I remember this much… that she had beautiful thick dark brown hair… All I have is her name, and her poem with the message she shared, and yet, I will always think of her as one of my very special friends, and I will always long to know where she is, and how she is doing.  I wonder if she writes poetry still, and if she is married, basically, she is a complete stranger, but in my heart, she is a dear friend, because she took the time to tell me that she cared, in the beautiful words of her poem to me.  Thank you Beverly my friend!
 
THE GIRL CALLED “LOVE” 
Panayiota, you must always keep this poem and remember me by it. 
I wrote it for you.  Thanks for being so moosh (kind) to me.
 
The sweetest sound that can be heard,
Comes from the glen where the Gypsies were.
They now are gone, all but one;
She who has the gift of love.
 
This gift is strong in many ways,
Her voice, her face, her hair cascades.
And when she sings, both gentle and strong,
The birds all join her beautiful song.
 
This girl too lovely for any man,
Belongs with nature, hand in hand.
Wherever she runs so wild and free,
She sings this song enchantingly:
 
“A fraction of love that I own,
Cannot enter man’s heart of stone,
I am an animal, grass, a tree,
Any of these, love can be.
 
Love is a bird, flying high,
Love is a glistening tear in an eye.
Love is there wherever you be,
And shall be there for eternity. 
 
All my love with you, forever, Bev.
 
 
Thank you for sharing with me…
 
~ Panayiota

​It's so damaging when people only seem to see your sadness, anger, brokenness, behavioural issues, etc. as "negativity" and so, shun, reject and avoid you as a result... when all you really need is the reassurance of their love...
 
For some people, reassurance needs to be in constant supply…
 
Our reassurance is not always going to still be effective for them in the “doldrums of tomorrow”… sometimes it needs to be renewed and re-sent regularly, even into those dark places where the hurting person’s mind sometimes wonders or where they might find themselves slipping back into, or trapped repeatedly throughout their lives…
 
This is especially true for adult survivors of child abuse...
 
Script messages from our past as a result of child abuse, are still very present, powerful, destructive and loud, even in our adulthood…
 
This is why an adult survivor of child abuse cannot “just get over it”!
 
It doesn’t work like that at all!  With the inner child with all his/her original emotional struggles, nightmares, fears, etc., still existing within the adult-self, it is impossible to just get over anything that was once burned into the existence of the child’s fragile mind through abuse and etched painfully onto their heart by a cruel and sharp-slicing tongue that should have instead been speaking only love, acceptance, kindness, understanding, etc. 
 
I once wrote:
 
A MOTHER’S HANDS
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
A Mother’s hands to nurture,
A Mother’s hands to love,
A Mother’s hands reflect,
The Spirit of His Love.
 
A Mother’s hands to gently rock,
Her baby in her arms,
And wipe away all tears,
With gentle, loving charms.
 
A Mother’s hands work hard,
To keep the home quite clean,
And there should be comfort and cheer,
Where a Mother’s hands have been.
 
But a Mother’s hands should never hurt
A child from God above,
For a Mother’s hands are only there
To create a world of love.
 
~ Panayiota
(12th March 2000)
 
The struggle for an adult survivor of child abuse in this world is NEVER over… it cannot just STOP… it’s a part of their reality and their lifelong struggle…
 
But as an adult, I for instance, am learning how to “recognise and nurture” the needs of my wounded inner child and what helps to comfort her (myself)… to reassure her… how to console… what is needed…
 
I realise that I cannot hope that everyone (or anyone for that matter) will truly understand or love me enough to help “fix me” … that it is now MY responsibility as an adult, for taking action to help myself (which includes taking positive action to help my inner child) on my unique road to healing… in fact, it has become MORE my responsibility than anyone else’s as I’ve grown older and wiser in understanding so much better how I tic as a result of the child abuse inflicted on me, and the whys and wherefores of it all…
 
Unless you have walked in my shoes, I cannot expect you to do this vitally important growth and healing work for me… but I do hope you will not forsake me on my healing quest… I NEED YOU.
 
I want to continue to experience the reassurance of your ever-present love for me… even in the darkest places I often find myself tripping and fumbling through.  Your love, just like my God’s Love, is like an ever-present light shining in the distance… a beacon of hope and strength that helps me to believe in the way forward… to keep strong in my faith in something bigger and something better… worthy of my every effort against the storms and monsters of my past, and so I don’t have to feel so lost and alone in those dark places that still exist from my past…
 
Your love, just like God’s Love, is the ever-embracing warm and comforting arms that surround, reassure and give me a much needed will to live, to do all I was meant to do, to become all I was meant to be… the reason for my existence.
 
It really does help to have the gift of feeling and being okay in this world, warts and all, and thus, having an ever-present sense of reassurance of belonging. 
 
Because of someone’s unconditional LOVE and unconditional ACCEPTANCE, (which may be an "ONGOING NEED”) ... it is nevertheless so important and is a powerful force in strengthening, uplifting and helping on the healing journey of the sometimes seemingly forever-hurting person to help them to be able to keep on moving forward.  <3 <3 <3

I once wrote for someone very dear to my heart:
 
ONLY LOVE CAN LIFT THE CURSE!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
He doesn’t want people to know him,
For he no longer knows himself,
He doesn’t want people to feel for him,
Because he no longer feels much for himself!
 
He doesn’t want people to celebrate for him,
For he celebrates not for himself,
He doesn’t want people to love him,
For he doesn’t love himself!
 
Don’t live for him; don’t die for him,
Don’t even exist for his life,
For he’s no longer living or dead,
And he doesn’t exist for himself!
 
He denies that he has a problem,
Yet he struggles in a lonely place,
Where he’s tried to rub out his own feelings,
And has even erased his own face!
 
Don’t hate him for who he’s becoming,
You will only make things so much worse!
Love him regardless, I beg of you,
For Only Love can lift the curse!
 
~ Panayiota
(8th July 2000)
 
I realise that I might share the same poem more than once in my blog writings, but not only do I not remember all that I’ve posted before, and have lost my computer records in the hard drive crash, but I also don’t have time to look back through every blog post now.  I also feel that a certain message I am sharing is important enough to me to share again. 

I am so grateful for the rare and the beautiful who provide through their compassionate, faithful, patient, consistent reassurance and unconditional love for me, the most needed foundation and steps I require for my ever-upward climb... Thank you with all my heart.

~ Panayiota