~ Written – 14 June 2017 ~
 
I have come to believe that every aspect of our unique existence helps to mould us towards the perfection of our ultimate purpose in life which lies waiting for us to enter and embrace it in a wonderful and fulfilling place somewhere in the future of our existence
 
Today while I was searching for something totally unrelated, I came across the letter below that I wrote and filed away in the most unlikely area of my computer in 2014.  I guess, I just wanted some proof to eventually be found if I did anything drastic around that time.  I had totally forgotten the letter since though, until I found it today, and I’m so grateful today, that I never did succumb to doing anything drastic back then.
 
Interested to see what else was going on around that time, to try make a connection with my emotions back then, in comparison to the here and now of my life, I looked through my old 2014 diary and it was obvious to me that at that time, I was under a huge amount of stress at work and in my private life. 
 
At work, I was preparing for the Logotherapy students upcoming November workshops, which requires different work needs from me and always takes me out of my general, work related, routine comfort zone.  I was still very anxious about my performance abilities back then and how people would see or judge me (was I capable enough or good enough to be doing all that was expected of me), but thankfully that has been improving and I am gradually becoming more confident in my own skin and my abilities.  My mentor and those I associated with in my world of Logotherapy, believed in me so much, that I gradually began to believe in myself over time.
 
“We are reminded again of that remark of Goethe's… “If we take people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat them as if they were what they ought to be, we help them to become what they are capable of becoming” (Frankl 1986:90) ~ The Doctor and the Soul
 
Sometimes I still feel rather overwhelmed by the expectations of others, but I cope better these days and find that being authentic about what I feel I can and can’t, or even imagine I can and can’t do does help me, even if it might make me look a bit foolish to others at times.
 
In my private life, our car had been stolen at the FNB stadium on the 1st March 2014 and we had been struggling greatly ever since.  If it wasn’t for my little sister, Mira’s willing assistance with lifts and help from others also over that time… (without a car for over a year)… I just don’t know how we would have managed, but still, being without a car and needing to rely on others was definitely an added stress on my life. 
 
2014 was also the time I was still attending the government hospital, monthly for my chronic medications… but since then, I have been so successful with diet / lifestyle changes, that I no longer need any chronic medications at all!  (I might share a post about that incredible victory concerning my physical health needs someday.)  But, visits to the government hospital, was an absolute dread-stress event for me and I was often traumatised for days after each visit as a result of my own personal experiences there, and just by the humiliating, inhumanity, suffering, degradation, etc. I perceived going on around me.
 
Around the time I wrote the letter below, I was also struggling with an acute gout attack and the disability and the agonising pain that goes along with those attacks, so I was really in a bad place, and although my work can become very stressful at times, it’s still very meaningful to me, so much so, that I don’t crumble completely under the stress of the extremes of physical and emotional pain’s that I go through from time to time, and I am able to go on regardless, so I am very grateful for my work responsibilities and the strength and will to meaning that it gives me.
 
Below, is the letter (adapted), that I wrote during that crisis time in 2014 when I imagine now, that I might have been having some kind of breakdown as a result of stress overload.  I imagine, my confidence was very low at the time also, and my need for reassurance from the world that “I am ok” was greater than the same needs are today.
 
 
I’M LOSING IT... CAN ANYONE HEAR... DOES ANYONE CARE... HELP ME PLEASE!
 
24 October 2014
 
I feel like I’m losing it... giving in at last... giving up.  Only my work keeps me going now and even there I seem too overwhelmed, because I can’t keep up.  Today I found out that I had made an error at work... and apologised to both my mentor and the student involved... waiting for my mentor to respond... if she doesn’t respond very soon... it will be too late... her Shabbat and it’s nearly 5pm... I will have to wait until tomorrow night... maybe Sunday... maybe Monday... who knows!  I’m not perfect... I know mistakes will happen... I’ve tried so hard, but failure always seems to find me no matter what! 
 
I’ve sat imagining how to do it... (portion removed)…  What would I write in the letter they’ll find... they will hate me for doing it... they will be so disappointed... but what about me... who cares about what I will feel! 
 
Still Logotherapy calls me to responsibility towards those I love, so I can’t do it... but how I wish to escape right now.  What’s worrying me most is that I feel too numb to care about how I’m feeling... does that make any sense... it worries me that I’m not in a terrible state of tears... like I’m writing this letter as if it’s ok! 
 
Something is terribly wrong!
 
The terrible disappointment... ‘A’ (full name removed) is a HATER!  The one reason I didn’t want to be involved as an admin editor on the group Facebook page... I can’t deal with HATERS!  They are so ugly... why ‘A’ of all people!!! (Just a week before, I was having lunch with him and his family, as a family… with my family) I always believed in him and believed that he believed in me.  Why did he have to be the HATER I dreaded so much!  They go around destroying everything that is truly good, because they don’t understand it, or because they don’t want to understand it, or because they just like to mess with people’s heads... they think they’re better than everyone else... surely not ‘A’... Why ‘A’!  He must know how much I love Logotherapy.  I’ve told him so many times and everyone can see how far I’ve come because of it.  I cried so much that day (22nd), that it was literally as though he had died and I was attending his funeral... a great loss indeed!  I don’t think I could ever trust him again... trust is so important to me... Why ‘A’... WHY!!!
 
So then I lost something special in me... I went crazy and put out a letter to all my friends on FB, that the next day I would be deleting everyone on my list.  This is what I wrote:
 
I'm going to do something really drastic... PLEASE DON'T COMMENT OR REPLY... I know that many won't understand... and some will accept without question. I am struggling as some of you know with a crisis time in my life. Too much good has come into my life as a result of my Logotherapy Journey, and I can't seem to believe in myself enough to totally fit in with it all or accept it. Extreme lack of confidence and depression keeps taking over at the slightest triggers.
 
I can only accept friends in my life and especially on Facebook who I KNOW and truly believe are not judging me for what I share so openly. People who are not skinnering about my posts, and people who truly believe in me and my future in this world.
 
Yes, I felt a judgement this morning form a friend who I always trusted the love from... losing that trust in an instant feels like a death and has thrown me into a deep depression again.
 
Because I don't want to hurt anyone by deleting those who I feel I should never have allowed onto my FB page in the first page, and those who I feel don't believe in me anymore or never really have, I am going to delete my entire friends list. Please will those and only those who still believe in me 100% and never feel or say anything negative about me, send a friend request again so that we can reconnect.
 
Like I have said before, Facebook is supposed to be my haven, and not a place where I feel judged or uncomfortable in any way. Please try to understand. I will leave this post up until tomorrow before deleting everyone to make sure you all see it. Please don't comment now though. I'm not looking for attention under any circumstances... only true love and friendship, because I can’t seem to get on without it... thank you. DO NOT RESPOND PLEASE! I am switching off now until tomorrow when I come back to delete my entire friends list... thank you.
 
The next morning, I deleted probably more than ¾ of my friends list (the ones who were left, where people who chose not to see my request for them not to respond in my post the night before, and responded so lovingly that I just could not delete them…) and unexpectedly (to me), no one that I had deleted friended me back again that day or any time soon, as I had expected and hoped... NUMB!  They must have misunderstood... they must be cross with me... NOTHING... it’s over!
 
I deleted even more people tonight... close family and friends.  I don’t want them to be disappointed in me too... I don’t want them to know I’m failing... I want to delete FB altogether... why bother anymore... why bother.  I don’t want to go there anymore.  I don’t want even the handful of people left to believe in me anymore... I’ve stopped believing in myself!  I don’t want anyone to know my business anymore... my trust seems to have gone... I don’t trust myself anymore.
 
18h08 – Wrote on FB, then cut it off and pasted here in this letter:  I’ve deleted so many… something is very wrong... I feel like I'm shutting out the world... like I've lost it or losing it.  If it's not better by tomorrow, I promise I will seek help... I'm still not ready to end this... but I feel as though something is wrong and I might need help now.  Talk about a crisis... SHEESH!  This is just crazy!  No need for responses here... then it all gets too dramatic and I don't want drama... I just want to feel as though I'm not alone... I'm not really going to post this, even though I'm writing it here... I don't want you all to worry... I'm just grateful to know that you all care... I pray you do... I need to trust in something still!  Thank you all my dear friends.
 
“Fake it until you make it” my study companion once said... I can’t fake it anymore... not at this level.  My mentor has given me so much responsibility and I would love to be able to make it... but those script messages from my past are so much bigger than me!  I can’t seem to fight them anymore.  I imagine that my reputation is failing fast... My friend Dana has seen how sensitive I am to the smallest trigger… she understands... the depression is coming more often now... I can’t seem to stop it anymore... I’ve been silenced by my position and people’s expectations of me… it’s too hard…

 
“The prisoner who had lost faith in the future—his future—was doomed.  With his loss of belief in the future, he also lost his spiritual hold; he let himself decline and became subject to mental and physical decay” (Frankl 2008:82) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning
 
 
Today, 14 June 2017, I am sitting once again with a mildly acute stress-induced gout attack which is in its’ healing stages.  My left foot is swollen and I am unable to walk on it, so I’ve been on crutches for a few days now.  Thankfully, it’s not as sore anymore as it was over the last week. 
 
Last year, I suffered the loss of my relationship with someone I considered to be a dear and trusted friend, which left me with what I call stress-loss and the same emotional pain-reaction as I have described in the letter above.  Recently I experienced that stress-loss again with regards to the same person.  A sense of hopelessness and finality in a situation that I imagine can never be healed so that we could have back what we lost, because for now, trust is still broken, and, for an adult survivor of child abuse, trust is absolutely KEY, and so without it… there is a sense of absolute hopelessness and finality… and a sense of mourning… A DEATH… and a wanting to withdraw from the world again… slipping back into the darkness of my past… I must not let that happen… this battle is with myself.
 
“A man who let himself decline because he could not see any future goal found himself occupied with retrospective thoughts.” (Frankl 2008:80) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning
 
Gratefully though, my relationship with the person who I felt so hurt by in 2014 has healed enough, that I can once again feel joy in their presence, and therein lies my hope…
 
Time is a great healer, if we allow it to be and wish it to be…
 
My friend Dana suggested, that for a relationship that seems impossible to heal due to lack of trust, that I pray daily “Dear Father, please restore this relationship to divine right order”… so that’s what I am doing.
 
In the past, I deleted a lot of family, on Facebook, when one extended family member caused a huge who-ha about something I’d posted regarding my desperate efforts at fund raising for a new car, (and disgraceful, embarrassing, begging for help as she saw it) so, the letter posted here today was not the only time that I felt so shattered and threatened by the judgements of the world and I hope not to ever get into such a state to ever delete my whole list again.  I always lose some really good friends and family as a result of my own hurting-reactions and resulting actions… ones I wished were still there… and losing them and/or trust in their complete love and acceptance of me, hurts a lot, because I then agonise over the fact that they never loved me enough to come back, so in the end, the loss is mine… and the fault is mine and mine alone! 
 
Today, I like to keep my Facebook friends list short and sweet, to avoid such problems as the ones I’ve experienced before.  I am very wary about accepting new friends now and straight away warn everyone who I do accept, that they will be deleted if I feel that they are judging me… and I do delete individuals without hesitation if I feel the treat of judgement from them, and I don’t accept strangers onto my page at all. 
 
I have spent my whole life being abused and I will not take on any degree more of abuse, or even hint of abuse willingly.  There’s more than enough ugliness in this world without allowing more into my own life.  I’ve reached the end of what I can and will allow. 
 
I would rather not have too many family members, or church members on my Facebook page… they are too close to home and therefore, any judgements from these areas is most unbearable of all to me… I would rather have my relationship with them in the real world where they can’t see my day to day “reaching-out-of-my-four-walls”, post shares on Facebook.
 
Thank you for sharing with me today
 
~ Panayiota

~ Posted - 3 June 2017 ~
 
I found this TED talk very meaningful and interesting to listen to and wanted to share it with my readers. 

https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_sapolsky_the_biology_of_our_best_and_worst_selves?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=tedspread#t-224444

Just a few Logotherapy quotes which I felt would go well with this TED talk:

"Existence - ...Man transcends his environment toward the world; but more than this, he also transcends his being toward an ought, when he rises above the level of the somatic and the psychic and enters the realm of the genuinely human, the spirit, the Noös" (Havenga Coetzer 2003:35) ~ Viktor Frankl’s Avenues to Meaning

“Defiant Power of the Human Spirit - One is not a helpless victim of one’s drives, of one’s environment and of one’s circumstances:  One is endowed with the noëtic faculty:  one has the human capacity to take a stand against one’s “fate” (poverty, negative influences from our childhood, etc).. Even when one is suffering from physical - or even psychological - illnesses, the noös (q.v)., one’s spirit, stays virtually intact, and the ability to choose one’s attitude (q.v). remains. 
   Moreover, human beings not only have a deep need to find a meaning, they have the power to take a stand against their circumstances, their “fate”.  This power belongs to all of us, and Frankl calls it the Defiant Power of the Human Spirit (q.v).” (Havenga Coetzer 2003:30) ~ Viktor Frankl’s Avenues to Meaning
 
Dereflection is a Logotherapeutic technique that helps the individual to distance themselves from their problems and symptoms:

“The resources of their noetic dimension are tapped, the defiant power of their spirit is aroused, making them aware that they are not identical with their fears, obsessions, inferiority complexes, depressions, and emotional outbursts.  They see that they are not helpless victims of their biological, psychological, or sociological fate; do not have to remain the way they are; and can stand in any situation” ~ (Taken from: Chapter 4: Viktor E. Frankl and Logotherapy)
 
“The way in which man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity—even under the most difficult circumstances—to add deeper meaning to his life.  It may remain brave, dignified and unselfish.  Or in the bitter fight for self-preservation he may forget his human dignity and become no more than an animal.  Here lies the chance for a man either to make use of or to forgo the opportunities of attaining the moral values that a difficult situation may afford him.  And this decides whether he is worthy of his suffering or not” (Frankl 2008:76) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning

Thank you for sharing with me today.

~ Panayiota