~ Posted 29th March 2017 ~
 
One of my dear Logotherapy colleagues kindly got me registered onto the “MORE TO LIFE” course which was held over this last weekend (24th-25th-26th-28th March), and as I have been going through something so very hard and painful in my life at this time, I decided that this course came to me out of the blue for a reason and that I therefore mustn’t let go of the opportunity to attend it. 
 
My anxiety about going to the course mounted as the 1st day approached… I was so afraid of the unexpected and unknown… I would need to sleep in a dormitory with other women and all I could remember was that the lady I made the booking with, said something like there were 23 beds in there. 
 
My mind could not rest over that idea at all, as I visualized the cold dormitories of my own school days, during my teen years… those were the years that I was already very disturbed as a result of my mother’s and stepfather’s abuses during my childhood up till then.  I was even sent by the school (arranged with my mother), to see an American psychiatrist named Dr Whykoff… (Not sure I spelt his name right… but that’s another story for another day).  He was practicing in Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe), at the time. 
 
Perhaps the dormitory idea is what set off the events to follow whilst I was away that weekend… I think it must have been!  I worried so much about the course… Would I be able to sleep at all (that was my biggest worry) … fear and trepidation crept in and I was feeling very much out of my comfort zone about leaving the safety of my four walls to spend a weekend with strangers, with no idea yet of what we’d be doing there… sleeping in a bed that was not my own… surrounded by strangers…
 
Such was the chaos of my thoughts
 
I arrived with my self-preservation walls up already… not trusting… fearful… defensive… ready to protect myself and run at the first sign of danger.
 
I had already set myself for failure before I’d even arrived there. 
 
Our first session was on Friday evening.  We were asked to introduce ourselves and people started to get up to do so.  The course trainer asked them, why they wanted to be on the course, and the minute they answered, a therapy session seemed to develop in front of everyone there.  The trainer (therapist), seemed very confrontational to me (before I’d even had time to settle in and feel safe) and I felt that he seemed to be right in the face and space of the person he was talking to, and, he was touching them on their shoulders, while he spoke to them… (keeping in mind that this disturbed me, according to my perceptions, aggravated by the state I was already in).
 
Now, when I think about this now, I know that it was his friendly way of getting to know the person, but from my position of fear and trepidation, what I was seeing/perceiving, made me feel very uncomfortable and even more afraid.  My self-preservation wall suddenly became a lot bigger… taller/wider/thicker!
 
My heart pounding… an instant throbbing headache developed… my inner-scream rising up in me like a pressure cooker about to explode… “STAY AWAY FROM ME! – DON’T TOUCH ME!  DANGER-DANGER-DANGER!!!”
 
I could feel myself slipping into my “Patricia” sub-personality!  At first I wasn’t aware that it was her surfacing… I just thought that I was getting cross with the man… The expression on my face… my posture, etc. all changed… and I took on the persona of the really angry adolescent that Patricia was many years before, when she became trapped in me as a result of my stepfather’s rapes and beatings.  I must have looked ridiculous in my 60-year-old body, slouching in my chair with a really sarcastic and angry expression on my face…
 
Unbelievable! 
 
When the trainer started reading out the disciplines (“THE RULES” as I saw them)… Oh my giddy aunt, that made me even more angry!  I was so ready then, for the fight!  Disciplines such as, raise your hand if you wish to speak… cut down to half cigarettes during the course… no food, beverage’s or sweets in the training room… no watches in the training room, etc.  (All reasonable requirements for the type of course it was going to be, but because Patricia was so close to the surface and on a warpath already, I was angered by the very idea of “THE RULES”… after all, I hadn’t come to obey rules… I’d come to hopefully enjoy a weekend away from home and deal with “my real and most pressing problem”!)
 
The one discipline was, not to take any medications unless prescribed by a Dr… no sleeping pills, etc., and we were asked to sign a form, that we would stick to all the disciplines over the weekend whilst on the course. 
 
Well, that was all the ammunition Patricia needed to get her started!  I was so rude to the trainer, that the people who know me would not have recognized me!  I told him in no uncertain terms, in front of everyone there (about 32 participants and around the same amount of volunteer assistants who had previously done the course and studied further) that I WAS going to be taking my sleeping pill and there was nothing he could do to stop me!  That I need my sleep, or I can’t function the next day!
 
He seemed (to me… with the ears of hearing I was using at the time), to get a little confrontational which set me off even more!  He asked me if the tablets were prescription and I said and emphatic, “NO!”.  I signed the form, but with big untidy lettering… “Except for no. 1!!!”
 
At bedtime, I went to the cottage where I was to sleep for the next three nights and was relieved to see that I was in fact provided with my own room with only two other women sleeping in the cottage, in their own rooms also.  I took out my tablets and as I looked at the packaging… remembering only then, that they actually were prescription tablets… it amazed me that Patricia said, “NO” when asked… did she not know, or was she rebelliously just looking for a bigger fight? 
 
I have not felt Patricia’s presence since 2011, when I believe she integrated into my being, so it was just as much a surprise to me to have her making her appearance once again.  Whatever happens… Patricia has a voice and she uses it when push comes to shove!  Good grief!  To me, it’s the weirdest thing… I can laugh about it now, but at the time it was something else!  People who know me (Panayiota), know that I always keep my distance… try to stay hidden in the background and don’t usually use my voice much at all.
 
There were lots of activities I felt I just could not participate in on the course… ones where everyone was given the opportunity to shout out their anger at people who had hurt them… and man… did they let rip!  Their voices were so LOUD and angry sounding and very scary for me… my pulse and blood pressure shot up, my head throbbed and I felt very claustrophobic… I had to shut myself down (dissociate) as a way of protecting myself, which I felt I needed to do at the time.  I just curled up in a ball on my seat, shut my eyes and ears as much as I could to block out the angry faces and angry sound.  On another similar session, I left the room.  I just could not bear to be there… it didn’t feel safe… totally outside of my comfort zone.
 
What was beautiful for me though on the course, was that there were a few Jewish people and assistants there, so that made me feel braver and feel more at home in what initially to me, was a very uncomfortable place.  They gave me the courage to stick it out and I told them all about my holiday to Israel with my dear mentor in 2012, which was a lifechanging experience for me.  As a result of their presence, I felt as though I had friends there… people who I felt were safe to turn to… I was not alone.
 
One Jewish girl sat with me during a session where we had to work one-on-one with an assistant… I spoke about what was hurting me most at this time and felt so relieved to get it all out… I shared my pain regarding my beloved son and his family’s struggles and cried like a baby. 
 
The beautiful assistant was so loving and kind and seemed to have so much wisdom.  She helped me to come to the conclusion… once again (seems I often need reminding), that I did do my best for my children as they were growing up and that I was a good mother under the circumstances we were enduring at the time.  Before she left me alone for a moment of reflection on our discussion, she asked me to write my immediate thoughts about our session down… and the following words just poured out of me so fast that I could barely keep up with what needed to be written…
 
(ps… I requested to be called Panayiota on the course and I was… it was so beautiful for me and made me feel loved and accepted there and gave me the added courage I needed to see the weekend through… I’ve been called by so many names, but very rarely by my own true name… it’s time for that to change!  I AM SURELY WORTHY ENOUGH TO BEAR MY OWN TRUE NAME!)
 
I wrote:
 
I AM
 
I am a masterpiece of creation
A vessel of purest love
Given a life of painful trials
Always to rise above
 
I have courage as tall as the mountain
I stood on that beautiful day
When the sun shone over Israel
And warmed me with its’ ray
 
I am a mother to all who need one
I am a sister and friend in need
No trial could stop my loving
My choice to stop the bleed
 
I AM PANAYIOTA
Strong and brave and true
And I’ll never let you kill me
And I’ll never end up like “you”!
 
~ Panayiota
(25 March 2017)
 
Afterwards, when asked about the session we had just experienced, I stood up with a microphone and thanked my assistant and told everyone how she had asked me to write something and I wanted to share it with them.  Some people told me that my poem made them cry, which was surprising to me and so many came up to me afterwards and told me to frame the poem and they wanted copies… amazing!  So… I had succeeded in doing some damage control after my dear Patricia’s obnoxious outburst the night before… hahaha!  Thank goodness!
 
The experience that worked best… but was super hard for me to do was the “eyeballing” one where we had to stare into another person’s eyes and “just be” with each other in a sacred kind of space…
 
Man, that was seriously hard for me!!!  I found it painfully difficult to make eye contact, especially on the first occasion with another participant… a stranger to me.  I always thought I was good at making eye contact, but this was something else altogether!
 
Whilst the other lady was staring steadily into my eyes, I found mine darting here and there… I was feeling so self-conscious.  She then reached out her hand to me, and not knowing what else to do, I reached out and held hers and with that, I went straight into Patty’s broken, painful sobbing… feeling real emotional pain… you would have thought someone had died… that’s how sad Patty’s feelings become at times.  (I am sure that Patty believes that LOVE=PAIN!  It has always been that way for her.  Patty learned that she could not trust love… it was ok for her to LOVE with all her heart… but to receive love for her, is something she stopped believing in many years before… so, for Patty… LOVE HURTS!
 
So, there we have it… not only my adult-self, but also, both my inner-child selves had a moment or two of their own on the course… Is that totally crazy or what!  I’m such a conundrum at times… even to myself!   
 
What was truly amazing, was that, as I began to trust in the group more and more, I started joining in on activities that I would NEVER have even tried before, or being able to do, or believed I could do… such as the eyeballing that I mentioned above.  Soooooo out of my comfort zone!   
 
On one session, later in the day on Sunday, I was seated in a chair with a huge African man standing in front of me… too close for comfort, towering over me… looking (according to my immediate perception), like a SA mafia-boss-taxi-king!  I was expected as a part of the activity, to stare up into his eyes for what seemed to me to be like 10 minutes…
 
But amazingly, I DID IT!  Don’t ask me how!  A few times I started to tear up… but this time, I believe it was because it was such a beautiful AWAKENING moment in my life… an awakening that proved quite unexpected for me!
 
To connect with another human being, so different to myself, on a level of such genuinely “pure love” … on a level of “true humanity” and love for my fellow man… on a “deeply spiritual level”.  The man’s eyes were so kind and there was an almost angelic look on his face… and the barriers of all perceptions and judgements disappeared completely.  When we were told to stop, we could choose how to end it… and of course, we chose to hug.  It was a huge lesson that I will remember for all my life…
 
Although I don’t have judgement towards African people in general, (even after being raped by a houseman in my youth), and some of my dearest friends are African, I had never met with another human being (African or non-African), on such a pure and spiritually intimate level.  This was a new and spiritually-beautiful awakening experience for me, and for that alone, I am truly grateful that I was able to stick it out on the course for that activity.
 
The whole essence of the course was to teach people to be so much MORE AWARE… aware of keeping disciplines… promises… more aware of the world inside of us and how it is affecting our lives, our reactions, perceptions, attitudes, response-ability, etc… the world outside of ourselves and how we are affecting it, or being affected by it… to notice the people around us differently… with more loving eyes, ears and hearts, with more humility and love for humanity as a whole… more spiritually… and to operate our lives with absolute INTEGRITY.
 
(I found the “More to Life” course to be very connected to the Logotherapy principles, but just demonstrated and taught in a different way).
 
Journeying so deeply with others who I’d never met before was very-very special.  Seeing how clever the trainer actually was in eliciting the real reasons behind why someone behaved the way they did was incredible … (soft voices… loud voices… posture… etc.)
 
I think that many people there found their real voice and some degree of healing and/or personal growth, so I now believe that the course was a very valuable one for everyone in attendance and I’m grateful that I did not run from all of the extreme discomforts I experienced there… the discomforts that greatly challenged my comfort zone.
 
Now… back to the episode that occurred on the 24th with Patricia’s unexpected and unruly outburst. 
 
On the last day, I had an opportunity to explain to everyone about Dissociative Identity Disorder and about Patricia, who had made her presence known on the first day.  In response to my explanation, the trainer asked me if I would trust him so he could try something… I immediately became very stiff and felt as if I were in real danger, but because he promised that he’d stop at any time that I requested, I allowed him to give it a try.  He stood far from me and asked me if he could take a step forward and then another, etc.  At first I was so stiff and guarded, shaking like a leaf and frightened out of my wickets… he must surely have seen the fear in my eyes!  I felt like I was glued to the ground and never blinked or took my fixed gaze off of him for a second… feeling totally threatened…  
 
By the time he got to just over a meter away from me, I started to feel so much more at ease and even started to laugh… told everyone I was feeling quite stupid, because suddenly I wasn’t so fearful anymore… hahahaa!  So, I gather that was a good healing moment for me also.
 
The trainer then reached out his hand… I had to think about it… but I reached out mine and was able to hold his at a distance… that was enough for me. 
 
By the time, we all said our goodbye on Sunday night, I was able to give the trainer a hug goodbye and tell him how grateful I was for that amazing weekend.
 
FIXED GAZE
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Broken inner child of her
Sits alone – dark dungeon – lost within
Wishing to be free
Stronger, braver, happier perhaps
In her deep subconscious
An adult-self can be seen by her
But cannot yet be reached as equals
To be united (healed) as one
Their two worlds remain divided
By an impenetrable tear-soaked screen
Drenched in the constant, bleeding pain
Aching, unquenchable longings
Still reaching for what never was
But should have been hers
Reaching out of a horrible past – conveniently forgotten!
Still haunting! – Splitting reality! – Exploding cells!  
Into a million swirling puzzle pieces
Rusted iron shards, which cannot connect
That bump and grind and rip apart
Her already broken, blood soaked heart
Chaos, confusion
Drifting wood on a windless sea
Trapped for all eternity
Yet she fixes her gaze on possibility
On a distant hope so blurred to view
A dream she holds on tightly too
Behind what can’t yet be seen
But it is her dream – it is her dream!
And somehow she still believes
Dreams do come true
 
(27th September 2014)
 
 
I would very much like to recommend the “More to Life” course to all out there who could do with some important emotional healing, or an awakening, or to have your comfort zone challenged as mine was.  It was an incredible weekend which I will never forget and I am sure I made some lifelong friends there. 
 
One man (new friend), a musician, said he might be able to put music to one of my all-time favourite poems.  Another man (new friend) said that he would post my story on his FB page, because he is in contact with many celebrities who might be able to help me raise funds for the publishing of my book which is practically ready to be published now… I just need to read over it one more time…
 
TIME… I need more time…
 
 
Thank you for sharing with me
 
~ Panayiota (in the process of reclaiming my rights to my own true name)

~ Posted 17 March 17 ~

And an even greater test, is to continue to LOVE and bless 
the very one who is causing the storm...
 
The ultimate test of unconditional LOVE...
 
I'm experiencing the agony of that right now, and because I know and suspect too much horror already... it is proving to be extremely draining and taxing on my emotional reserves.  But it is the ultimate test that I KNOW I must pass in order to do my part to help bring about a greater chance of healing for all involved, including myself… in order to create HOPE in the seemingly
(to me right now), most overwhelmingly hopeless of situations.

I once wrote: (adapted)

I’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU - MY FRIEND
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I’ll stand by you through your darkest days,
When your skies are black with cloud.
I’ll stand by your when your storms are hard,
And the thunder crashes loud.
I’ll stand by you through thick and thin,
And I’ll be there on your forest way,
And I’ll not leave you ever, alone on your path,
Together we will face – come what may.
I’ll do this because I love you,
And I’ve loved you since the day we first met,
You’ve been there for me, my lovely friend,
As I’ve conquered my own cruel highways on earth.
 
You gave me the strength to survive,
All the trials that came my way,
Because I loved you enough to keep going,
And I loved you enough to stay.
You gave me the courage I needed,
To move the mountains of my own troubles away,
To find the love that I needed,
To survive each long lonely day!
So, I’ll stand by you till the end of time,
And beyond if you still need me then,
Because I’m so grateful for you in my life,
And I’ll always love you – My friend.
 
(15 July 2003)

My prayer at this time is for a Miracle... if you pray, please pray with me... thank you so much.

Miley Cyrus - The Climb lyrics
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qolUC13bwMc
 
Mariah Carey - Hero
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IA3ZvCkRkQ

~ Pana