​~ Posted 25th September 2017 ~ 
 
Wednesday 20th and Thursday 21st… cooking for the nation!
Whenever I am feeling especially insecure about our financial status, I find myself going crazy in the kitchen.  With all the meat and veggies my friends and family helped us with and the herbs and spinach from our garden, as well as a big bunch of kale my son came home with (a supplier had given all the workers a bunch when he visited), I was able to make a whole lot of pre-packed frozen dinners for my son and I.  More than enough to get us through the rest of the month.  The only problem I’d have now would be to keep myself supplied with fresh salad veggies, but so far, I have been blessed by friends and family to keep going with that until Wednesday thankfully.  I also took the hundreds of tomatoes we’d frozen during the last growing season and made around 40 little packets for freezing, of spicy spaghetti sauce for my son to use on his meals when needed.  So that was two days in the kitchen, where I could think of nothing else but to fill my deep freeze to make sure we would not starve.  Without the loving and kind help we received from friends and family this month, I would never have been able to do that.  I felt so much better once it was done.  I must say that the whole kitchen craziness does feel a bit like OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) … I feel very uneasy and cannot rest until it’s done!
​
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​Spicy spaghetti sauce
(My neighbour loved the taste, so I gave her enough for four meals also)


Thursday, 21th September – Internet down!
Today was my mentor’s birthday and I was not able to wish her until very late, due to an internet connection problem.  I was told that it was all over, so not just mine.  Late afternoon, once the connection returned, I wrote on my FB page:
 
You want to kill me, cut the Internet connection and me off from the world... AAARGH! I couldn't do g-mail... I couldn't go onto Facebook to send my mentors’ Birthday message until late... and I couldn't check in on my friends here on Facebook... my Outlook was on super slow also and even my cell phone was affected... I couldn't concentrate on doing anything else, because it was bugging me so much... thank goodness it's all fixed now... whatever it was!
 
Friday, 22nd September ~ Wonderful friendships
In the morning, my dear friends Noleen and Dhawne came to visit… such precious ladies who always cheer me up with their nonsense.  Later in the day, Noleen visited with a gift of fresh salad veggies for me and even some veggies for my youngest son.  What a blessing of love.
 
My daughter visited in the afternoon and brought lunch for us to share.  We had such a lovely time together… real quality time is how it feels to me.  Spending time with her every so often, keeps me going.  She always leaves me feeling loved and with a real sense of reassurance of our every growing friendship and love for one another… a warm and reassuring connection that remains in my heart, even when we are apart. 
 
She visited me with lunch also on the 8th September and after that visit, I wrote on my Facebook page… “It was wonderful seeing my daughter again... it always is... what a celebration of my life she is to me” ♥
 
Drainage wall completed:
Our kind garden helper also came to complete the little drainage wall and concreting he had started (I can’t remember what day he came), even though he knew that I could not pay him for the job… he insisted that it was service and he wanted to help… so now, our garden is all ready for the next rains and the floods (like a raging river) that used to devastate our vegetable patch… it will no longer be able to.  (I would love to show you a video of how bad it has been in the past.)  Thankfully, my son heard that this kind man had been helping us with the drainage build, so he left him some money for me to give him and he was very happy about that unexpected surprise.  I am so grateful for his work… it’s going to make such a positive difference and it looks great too.

Sunday, 24th September ~ A visit to my daughter and son in law
After only 6 hours sleep Saturday night, an hour attending church Sunday morning (I should have napped then), a short nap after church (too late) I then had such an awesomely, wonderful, brilliant afternoon at my daughters and son in law's in the afternoon, braaing and chatting.  We sat out in the sun... a perfect spring day... I felt so relaxed and content by the time I went home, it was just what the Dr ordered, even though I was still very tired from lack of sleep the night before and probably also from all the lovely sunshine and fresh air… it was truly a prefect day.  My daughter also gave me delicious left-overs from the braai (barbecue) and more salad veggies, so Monday and even Tuesday this week is totally covered for my lunchtime and maybe even Wednesday… so all’s looking good for getting through this month so far, thank Heavens. 
 
That is one thing I’ve always said… we have NEVER starved.  Somehow, the blessings always, ALWAYS come. 
 
My car:
While I was at my daughters, my son in law took a look at my car’s engine, because it’s boiling after short trips again now that the warmer weather is here.  He thinks it could be the thermostat and will organise a new one for me, because I have a few long trips lined up over the next two weeks.  He is incredibly willing and helpful and makes me feel loved… I’m so happy he’s in our lives and that my daughter has been so blessed being married to him… we all have.

Scary incident:
Late in the evening, sometime before 9pm, when I was most tired, I received a call to pick up my youngest son from work (their transport is broken)... a very scary, especially at night, isolated far-away from home place!  I had to go there the night before also and take him to work early on Saturday morning also… my poor nerves… and my petrol is dwindling faster than I would have liked, because we still need the use of our car until payday.
 
I arrive at my son’s workplace just before 9pm.  He was sitting in a car with one of the workers who kindly waited with him for me to arrive.   My son then got into my car and his friend drove away.  It was so eerie with the shop closed and in complete isolation… (a farming area).  
 
As we were about to drive off (our pillows calling), I noticed an African lady standing all on her own in the darkness near the shop with her two bags.   My son and I agreed that we couldn’t in good conscious just drive away leaving her alone there, so we went to ask her why she was there so late.  She said that she worked in the area two days a week and she was waiting for a lift to take her home.  We told her we’d wait with her.  We had asked her if she lived in a safe place we could take her too, but she said no… she lived in a township and it was not safe.
 
While we were waiting with her, a taxi drove slowly around the corner towards us… driving into the shops parking area at the opposite end to where we were parked…
 
INSTANT HIGH ALERT!  This is South Africa where lots of armed thefts and hijackings happen… I was worried!
 
The taxi turned around slowly and waited there a few moments… Even though I could not make out the faces of the people in the dark, or how many people were in the taxi, I never took my eyes off of them and was ready to start the car and take off… hooter blaring… I instructed my son to get my phone ready to call the police…
 
After a few seconds, the taxi turned back the way it came and slowly started to drive away… but it kept stopping, as if the driver was “thinking about it”… and eventually drove away.
 
I worried that he might have called someone about our car “a sitting duck” ready to be taken…
 
But then… once he drove away, another thought came to me… “Is it possible, that he really did take the wrong road when he came our way… maybe saw the African lady sitting there and realised we were waiting with her (I had invited her to sit in our car, but she said she was happy where she was)… so, maybe the taxi driver thought for a moment about offering to take her home, but worried that we might be worried if he came any closer.  He might have known we would be afraid. 
 
Anyway, imagining that the taxi driver had good intentions, helped me to feel a little better, but very shortly after, I still felt we could be in danger and asked the lady if we could rather drop her off at the near-by police station so her lift could pick her up there instead.  She agreed, saying she’d ask the police to take her home.  So, we took her there and waited for her to go inside before we drove away.
 
Monday, 25th September
The whole incident left me on edge… a sense of DANGER still with me!  Only 4 hours sleep last night... nerves on fire... mind crowded with intrusive thoughts... nightmares I can't remember... and a blow-out day of exhaustion waiting for me!!!
 
I needed today... with sooooo much to do (too much)!  Still struggling to get my work back on track... still feeling as though I am failing everyone because of the negative results of the computer crash... seriously feeling like I'm heading for a nervous breakdown at times... students’ portfolios coming in for me to mark now... two last week... many more to come.  I absolutely LOVE marking their portfolios, but I feel as though I just can't do this all on my own this time… and I have no option… I need the money to live and I MUST make this mess right… NO EXCUSES!  Someone qualified, did offer to help me with marking the portfolios, but at a cost, so I cannot accept.  We need every cent for survival at this time.
 
But still… I WANT TO RUN!
 
A friend responded on Facebook when I wrote about it all:
Keep your chin up, my friend. You can only do what you can do. I know you do your very best every single day and nobody can expect more of that from you ❤️
 
I replied: 
Thank you dear friend... it's so hard. It would be easy if people were patient with me and I somehow felt upheld during this struggle... but about three students have expressed slight irritation at something they may have sent before that might have gotten lost somewhere in the hundreds of e-mails in three different addresses now... I’m still trying to cut it down to only the new Gmail I made especially for the institute... but Gmail doesn't work like Outlook, so that's created huge problems for me too!  I need more time, but there isn't enough hours or life left in me for each day...
 
I feel like I shouldn't take time off to visit family or rest... I must just keep going until I get things sorted out again, but when anybody shows that they are irritated with me, I immediately lose all sense of worth and my abilities are drastically reduced… my memory is reduced to ashes and I become the dithering idiot I was always told I was as a child and that makes things even harder... I seem to lose my mental capacity... my staying power... I literally crumble under the weight of feeling as though I have failed them... and then that grows to... I have failed EVERYBODY... Nobody loves me... everybody hates me... and I'm eating worms again... AAARGH! 
 
Sometimes I literally HATE ME!!!! 
 
I finished off with: 
Anyway... I should switch off here... I'd rather be sharing all this on my blog... I want people to know how hard it is to keep going in a wold where one feels like they don't really belong as a result of child abuse, and no matter how much love comes in... it just takes one irritated person to shatter all that love into pieces and bring back my ugly past in full force... (tears!)
 
If anyone reads my blog posts... please comment there rather... because my blog is where we can work together to help other adult survivors of child abuse most, as well as people who are in the lives of the child abused person… (so they can understand and help them better)… and hopefully also, my writings will reach the abusers of children, so that they can become fully aware of the impact their cruel and heartless, self-indulging, self-serving actions are having on the entire lives of their victims… and that maybe this will help them to find a way to their own healing, to turn away from hurting and destroying the innocents of this world.
 
I have up to 800 blog views a week (and that’s without promoting my page due to lack of funds) ... so hopefully it means that someone out there is being helped.  You can use a pseudonym to comment... that way I won't even know who commented... or let's put it this way, I haven't worked that one out yet and don't have time to.
 
Please, where possible, comment on the blog post rather than sending me e-mail comments, as some comments are very valuable to the message that I am trying to get out about the awful, destructive and life-long, life-stealing, soul destroying effects of child abuse.
 
Another friend wrote:
My precious friend, I really understand how you are feeling... Unfortunately, your students are going to have to be patient with your computer crash etc... You had no control over that & have tried your best to get up to date & do what you need to do... Sometimes people can't see as far as their noses... You deserve a break to be with your family... It's going to help no one if you have a nervous breakdown... Please be kind to yourself... You are human & people need to understand that too... You are doing what you are able to do... You are precious my friend... HUGE BIG HUG for you from me... Thinking of you... Love you lots ♥ 🤗
 
And I wrote back:
Love you lots too my dear friend... thank you for your care. I've tried so hard to do the right thing... be professional and all, but this is a situation where it's not possible. How do you explain to a student when they've already sent you something more than once, that their previous letter might be lost on one of the three e-mail addresses... or my memory has caused me to forget something important... stress is stealing more from me than I have left over to give back... I'm trying my best... but feel like a total fool in the process... it's one of those situations where more is expected than can be achieved quickly enough to make a positive difference or a come-back... HUMPH!
 
My last words for today:  
May I ask please, that anyone following my blog, please don't embarrass or pressurise my children with whatever you read here? Leave my children out of it please. If they want to read what I share they will do so on their own. My children ARE there for me. Nobody needs to tell them to visit me, because you read on my blog that I'm not well or something like that. They stay in touch, support and love me and I know it and feel their love... and that's all I ask for or expect from them. I know I can call on them any time I need to.

Thanks so much ♥
 
~ Panayiota

Posted: 23rd September 2017 ~ Continuation of last post...

19th September 2017
So, my feelings of financial insecurity which is a reality now, and my recent experiences, culminated in the following:
 
There’s always a comfort zone of “things not changing”… and when they do suddenly change, even for the better, my mind struggles for a while until I can makes sense of things and sort them out in my head…
 
My oldest son’s lunch invitation and the delicious salad and chocolate he so kindly brought especially for my lunch at his home, and all the real love I experienced there on the day, kind of messed with my head during the days that followed. 
 
It is so hard for me to believe in such goodness when it finally comes, after I have waited for it for so long and given up on believing in the possibility of it so many times… hurting… doubting… hoping… longing… hurting more… until I shut down my emotions and convince myself that I will at least be satisfied with any scraps of love and goodness that come my way… that I do not need to be greedy, expecting more than others are able to give… I’ll embrace any scrap that is given… I’ll honour it… cherish it… and be satisfied with the portion that is given… that is mine to receive.
 
But when more that I have come to expect is suddenly given… then it creates a dilemma of emotions in me… Can it be true?  Can I believe in it?  Can I really hope for it again?  Will it all come crashing down and be lost again if I allow it to get too close? etc. 
 
AAARGH!
 
I start to rationalise my thoughts and feelings… I struggle with my perceptions of reality… twist reality in a self-defeating and self-destructive way… (script messages from my past telling me over and over, that I am not good enough… not worthy enough… etc.)  If I allow the goodness to be true, I could be setting myself up for more heartbreak if it all comes crashing down again.  No… I can’t allow any more emotional pain… I need to protect my heart… it’s been bruised and broken for far too many times already… NO MORE! 
 
RUN!  RUN!  RUN!
 
With such thoughts swirling around in my head, on the 18th I only managed 5 hours sleep… a zombie for the rest of the day… on the 19th… 6 hours sleep, and woken by a nightmare…
 
My nightmare
I’m in this beautiful house with my grandchildren… I don’t know how many or which ones… the house has white walls and lots of windows… I suddenly see a tornado coming towards the house.  It is not a dust filled tornado… seems almost glass like and not extremely threatening.  When I first see it, it’s coming from the one side of the house… I get the feeling it’s the back of the house, but when I see it again, it’s coming from the front of the house… but this time, around the centre (height wise) of the tornado, I see a ring of really large boulders swirling around the outside of it… and not very fast… there are some small boulders in-between… a bit like the ring around Saturn… but the large boulders are so large, that there are only about five or six of them spinning around the outer edge of the vortex… they are as big as cars. 
 
I can see that they are coming straight for the house… we are in real danger if those boulders land on the house, they will come straight through the roof and could kill us.  I’m calling to the children to come to me, trying to get them together… next thing the tornado reaches the house… one large boulder lands in front of us… it’s long and flat like a humongous piece of slate… it rests upright against a tree in the front yard, and all the rest land in the back yard behind the house… none hit the house.
 
And then I wake up.
 
Logotherapy dream interpretation (LDI)
With quite a bit of turmoil going on in my head of late, with financial struggles… needing to ask for help and experiencing a disappointing and hurtful response from one person (not my children) which left me feeling judged, unwanted and rejected… and work catch-up struggles and exhaustion and feeling that I’ve let our students and my mentor and trainers down, as well as some anxiety creating mind struggles and intrusive thoughts which I have to constantly battle in order to keep them away, I think that I have somehow been feeling a little threatened by life once again (hence the hurricane)… intrusive thoughts and feeling judged (hence the huge and threatening boulders)… danger… coming towards all of us in the house in my dream…
 
The tornado was not a furious one… it was not stirring up mountains of dust and debris… it was not swirling very fast either… it was transparent and even looked glass like on the surface of it.  The enormous boulders were not all over the tornado… they seemed to have their own place and order as they swirled, almost gently in a ring around the outside of it… just above the house roof in height.
 
I felt panicked and wanted to save everyone from the possible impact of the tornado and possible falling of its boulders on top of us… (a sense of needing to protect myself and family from further hurts maybe).
 
Meaning message in my dream:
With One large flat sheet of boulder falling in front of us and the other enormous round boulders dropping behind the house as the tornado reached us… not harming us… I believe that the meaning message of my dream is to work hard at not allowing perceived threats and fears to further hurt myself or my most important (to me) relationships.  That I should somehow find a way to let the threats pass over my head and drop out of harm’s way behind me.  To not dwell on what has hurt me, or what threatens me… to keep my family close…  my relationships safe.
 
This brings me back to that poem I wrote in 2010, after my mentor once said to me to learn to tuck away my own feelings, especially as many would never be able to understand them or me with them.  I’m glad I still have that poem:
 
TUCKING AWAY THE FEAR, THE PAIN AND THE ANGER!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Do NOT express it!  Go on!  Go on!
Hold it all in!  Quieten that sad song?
Do NOT express it!  Do NOT cry out!
Do NOT argue!  Do NOT shout!
 
Tuck it away!  Go on!  Go on!
Who can hear your mournful song?
Alone you must find a way out of ‘that place’!
To discover your true self!  To see your own face!
 
Who can help you, or dry those tears?
Alone you must conquer your own bitter fears!
Find your own strength!  YOU MUST!  YOU MUST!
Search your own light, for ‘IN YOU’, you must trust!
 
Move forward!  Climb high! Never give in!
Hold tightly God’s hand!  ‘Life’s’ between you and Him.
Grasp your ‘life’s meaning’ – ‘life’s purpose’ for you!
It’s all that is left!  It’s what you MUST DO!
 
Try to believe ‘it’ and never let go!
If it’s meant to be, then it WILL be so!
When you defiantly stand for ‘YOUR GOOD AND YOUR TRUE’,
Then nothing can stop ‘that course’ meant for you!
 
You are unique and so is your work,
So do not abandon it and do not shirk.
The world is waiting for what you can give,
Sharing your purpose is the true way to ‘LIVE’.
 
~ Panayiota
(Tuesday, 26 October 2010)
 
Thank you for reading my blog posts and sharing in my journey.  I pray that some of the stuff that I share is helping someone out there to find healing. 
 
Please feel free to comment… you may use a pseudonym or nickname so you won’t be identified.
 
~ Panayiota

~ Posted: 23rd September 2017 ~
 
15th September
My oldest son invited Andrew (my youngest son) and I to lunch on Sunday 17th.  For so long now, it seems he has not been free to invite anyone into his space and time, so for me, this was such a healing and beautiful moment in time. 
 
Part of me was delighted beyond belief by his invitation, and another confusing part of me struggled and I needed to sit quietly with myself trying to work out why… what was going on in this crazy head and heart of mine.  I ended up talking to my friend Dana about it and finally came to a conclusion that made sense to me and my heart.
 
WhatsApp message to Dana:  My big boy has invited Andrew and I for lunch on Sunday… he never invites, so this is ground-breaking JOY-JOY-JOY for me.  He’s so much happier now that they have moved to another lovelier.  He even told me to bring the laptop with so he can look at it to iron out a few connection problems I’m having.  That’s so unlike him… I’m so delighted!  I love and miss him and my family there so much.
 
Dana responded that she was really happy for me.  I had not visited them in their new home yet, so it was an exciting time. 
 
To Dana:  I have a full tank, but we are so out of money that we might need to ask church for help now.  Seems that hard times are upon us again… so scary! So, we can go to my son, but there won’t be much left to get to Unisa at the end of the month for the Advanced course workshop.  Since my son’s lunch invitation, I’m suddenly very tearful for some unearthly reason… I must do something quick to help me before depression takes over.
 
I knew that I needed to get up and go do something physical, like go cook something or work in the garden… anything to stop the sudden surge of depression from setting in too deeply. 
 
After some thought, I came to an answer about why my son’s invitation had triggered the sudden onslaught of tears.  I wish I could attach the audio I sent Dana then, but until I can afford to upgrade my blog, I cannot add audios or videos yet.  I need someone to come look at it for me, so I have an idea of what more I’d need to pay each year to be able to upgrade so that I can share more with my readers.  I can’t seem to work it out for myself yet.
 
The audio to Dana basically said… “So, it’s really hard to explain what goes on in the mind of an adult survivor of child abuse sometimes, but when I’ve had time to think about it sometimes, it helps me to work out things.  Like, why did I suddenly become so sad and just want to cry and cry and cry?  I usually come to some meaningful conclusion that seems to make sense to me and give me the answers I need.  I do believe that my relationship with my son was on the “Patty level” (inner child level)… because he was a little friend who had come help me and to play with me and just be with me and love me and it was unconditional love that we shared with each other over those first few years… ooh, I want to cry again! (tearful) Ja, and then, when things started to go wrong, because of the abuse in the home, it was like, I began to experience a million deaths.  There were so many poems I wrote about my feelings at that time… I’m sure I’ve lost them all… I don’t know… I haven’t had time to go search for my own stuff yet, I’m still too busy trying to make things right at work first.  So, for him to invite me out to lunch, is almost like too much joy… it’s too overwhelming, and it brings up all the sadness again for some reason… instant depression… I don’t always know where it comes from, but I think I’ve managed to work this one out in my head… because a sudden surge of sadness and overwhelming emotions hitting me out of the blue, IS Patty.
 
Dana’s comforting and reassuring, non-judgemental and understanding response helped me to settle and get on with my day.  I am so grateful for my true friendships, like Dana… we call each other soul-sisters.   
 
Student examination
Since I wrote to Dana, I now also have a student to visit a good hour drive away from here on Friday 29th for her to do her course exam, because she will not be able to attend the exam workshop at the end of the year.  With her exam workshop postponed in June, due to our course trainer’s unfortunate accident, she was no longer able to get to the next workshop because she lives too far away.  She will be visiting this side at the end of this month though, so I’m making a special plan for her to write her exam then.  
 
Chester Peanut
Then over that weekend (30th or 31st), a very special friend who also lives a good drive away from our home might be inviting us to a braai with her and her husband, to say goodbye as they are moving to Cape Town or thereabouts, and for us to see our dear dog, Chester, for the last time.  We gave Chester gave to her when we were moving home in 2012 and trying to find homes for our dogs, because we had nowhere to go yet.  Chester was the most adorable puppy… Mrs Poppy Peanuts baby.  He was born a long-haired dachshund due to some recessive gene, and was such a beautiful puppy and grew up so handsome.  Below is a photo of him with his puppy-photo inserted.  He was such a unique little dog and losing him broke our hearts.  When Hilda and her family took him, I was totally heartbroken, but knew that he would be so loved and happy on her farm, and he is.  When she told me the other day that they are moving far away… flashbacks of the time of losing Chester in the move came flooding back… I cried bitterly and have been stuck in a mild depression ever since… oweee!  (tears even whilst writing this) Hilda offered to give him back to us when she moves… I guess she remembers how sad I was to part with him before… oh how I’d love to have him back, but I know he would be so unhappy here with our tiny garden in a town house complex.  He was born to wonder in big spaces and not to be cooped up.  I know Hilda loves him… no, I cannot take him away, it would not be right.  I think seeing him again is going to be painful though… too many sad  memories of that move and another goodbye.  I’m already feeling that pain and can’t stop it!
 
Poetry rescue
I wrote on my Facebook page:  THE MOST WONDERFUL NEWS... I have found an old flash disc with all my poems on from the beginning (12 years old) until June 2014 (57 years old)... that's 1074 of my poems saved... I am so grateful you have no idea... now just to collect together whatever is saved of those I wrote after that last one, and put them into folders to complete as much of my collection as I possibly can.  And once that’s done, get someone to keep a copy of them all for me as backup.
 
Oh, my goodness me... I could just cry with disbelief and utter relief... and dance with joy... talk about mixed emotions...
 
My first son has also invited my youngest son and I to lunch on Sunday... OH JOY... it feels to me like all goodness is returning and the most recent run of nightmares since June this year is over with...

HUMBLY GIVING THANKS   
 
17th September ~ Visit with my oldest son and family
What a lovely day this was.  I felt so comfortable and happy spending time with my far-away son, daughter in law and three grandchildren.  My son even spoilt me by buying me salads for lunch and a diabetic chocolate. 
 
Again… it has been such a long time since I’ve experienced this side of him, that it was truly a wonderful blessing.  Our relationship has been steadily growing lovelier since the beginning of this year and the healing I see and feel is such a gift for my heart.  We all watched a movie together and enjoyed lunch and just chatting and relaxed. 
 
What more could a mother’s and grandmother’s heart ask for.  I felt so content by the time we went home and already long to go back again for another visit.  That night, I slept for 8 ½ hours… the longest sleep I’ve had without medication in a very, very long time.  Even with my occasional ¼ sleeping pill, I rarely ever sleep for 8 hours.  So that sleep had to say something about what a lovely day I had with my son and family.
 
With our finances becoming very strained of late, my daughter in law packed some groceries for us which has really helped us get through this last week.  My neighbour also brought over some groceries, and yesterday a dear friend and church member also surprised me with some groceries and some salad veggies which I really needed to sustain my special diet… those salad veggies will keep me going for the weekend… maybe even until Monday.  My sister in law is allowing my youngest son to bring home the “return items” that the shop is not able to sell… outdated, dented, broken, etc.  So, between all of these blessings, we are still going strong and we give thanks.
 
Thank you for sharing with me today.
 
~ Panayiota

Dear readers,  I am appealing for assistance to raise funds for the following:

A new computer:  My second son has quoted R6000 for a Dell computer that will meet my needs both for work and for personal use.  Thank you.  

A bathroom makeover: which has become an urgent need due to the days of disability I experience as a result of acute gout/arthritis attacks which mostly affect my feet, hands and back and make it almost impossible to get in and out of the bath due to the extent of the agony and swelling that goes with it when it happens.

Below is the PDF quote I received from a professional whose name I was given at the local hardware store.

I am sure we could make this happen for a lot less than is quoted if we chose our own bathroom fittings and instead of moving the toilet and basin to a better position and buying better looking fittings, we rather just move the shower to the opposite wall and do that and floor and wall tiling only.  We might also ask a church member friend who has helped us with odd jobs before to do the job and I'm sure he too would charge a lot less than is on this quote.

~ Posted, 9 September 2017 ~
 
Today I decided to start doing something about taking some me-time to piece together some of my otherwise possibly-lost works. 
 
39 of my best loved poems saved from a poetry site I used to post my poems to.
 
All these poems were posted about 2 years ago.  I haven’t been back to post there since.  Couldn’t afford to upgrade and my poems were therefore only seen by a very small handful of people at a time which was disheartening and I also became too busy.  As it’s been a long time since I wrote these poems, I’ve done some update-editing on them here.
 
Please leave a comment if any of these poems held meaning for you personally.  
 
Some of these poems are used in my book and already published in other books and on tapes and some have won awards in poetry competitions around the world, so I ask you please to honour my copyright.  Thank you.
 
 
THE GOOD DAY FAIRIES
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
A dawning day, glistening dew,
Everything fresh and new.
Woken from nocturnal sleep,
Out of flowers they cautiously peep.
Small flash of light may catch your eye,
For a moment only as a fairy flies by.
A busy day lies ahead,
Polishing flowers and roses red.
Helping insects to find their way,
They hum and sing all day.
Many spells they cast around,
Some float on the air, some fall to the ground.
Spells of beauty, spells of love,
Spells of safety, spells enough
For everyone to take and more,
Every good spell you’re looking for.
Many spells are left behind,
They are not wanted or not found.
But the spells are there for you and me,
Reach out and take just two or three.
The world would be a better home,
For all to share and all to roam.
The Good-Day fairies have so much to share,
Take on their spells and show you care.
 
~ Panayiota
 
 
THE GOOD NIGHT FAIRIES
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Beautiful fairies; magnificent sight
Tiny lights illuminate the night
Glistening wings; a sparkling trail
Bringing joy without fail
Casting spells of love and peace
Spells of fear release
Magic spells for smiles and laughter
Gentle spells that follow after
Kindness spells for friend and foe
And when they're done, the fairies go
Leaving the dawn to start a new day
Awake and rise, to work and play
And with you take the spells for free
To bless the lives of all you see
 
~ Panayiota
 
 
REACH OUT AND SAY ~ “I LOVE YOU”
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Reach out and touch a lonely heart;
A sad and searching soul.
Reach out and touch someone who is weary,
Someone who is filled with longing –
Reach out.
 
Reach out and touch the poor in spirit
And those who have very little;
Those who are hungry
Or have nowhere to go, nowhere to sleep –
Reach out.
 
Reach out and lend a helping hand,
A caring heart,
A listening ear
Your genuine love –
Reach out.
 
Reach out and give to those in need,
And lift a lowly spirit.
Hold someone close,
Or just say a few kind words –
Reach out.
 
Don’t delay; it’s time to say,
“I love you.”
Reach out.
 
~ Panayiota
 
 
IT’S TIME TO SHOW LOVE
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
The caring words we never say
The words of love that go astray
And never reach the ears of those
We intended to say them to
 
Wasted thoughts – words gone unsaid
Precious words that would have fed
The hungry souls of those
We intended to say them to
 
The un-given hug or friendly smile
The listening ear, for just a while
That never heard when called on to hear
The burden some poor soul might bear
 
The gift that could have been given
While a friend was still living
The love we could have shared
If only we had cared
 
~ Panayiota
 
 
DREAMS
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
As I lay my head
Upon pillow soft,
And drift off into blissful sleep,
I enter a world of dreams.
Not knowing where I’ll go,
Or what I’ll see,
Or who awaits me there.
A world of dreams,
Of twisted facts,
Of things I’ve seen and touched and done,
And places I have been.
Things that I have heard or said,
And things that I have read.
All scrambled in a tangled web,
Confused within my head,
Struggling to be free,
To understand the mysteries,
Of everything in me.
I visit worlds of gentle things,
Of flowers trees and bees,
Then in a flash, I’m given wings,
And find myself among the clouds,
Drifting peacefully and free.
Until my dream unsuspectingly,
Turns itself on me!
Like and angry demon,
That takes control,
And now I flee,
With desperate flight,
Frantic to escape!
My heart beats faster,
Faster now – AWAKE!
I am awake.
Alone in dizzy darkness,
Lost for a while,
Between nightmare and reality.
Heart slowing down,
I lay my head once more to rest,
Upon my pillow soft,
Through sleepy eyes,
Sleep calls me back.
I take my chances,
Tired – tired body,
Tired bones.
 
What dream awaits me next?
 
~ Panayiota
 
I have learned how to do Logotherapy Dream Interpretations with great success ~ a wonderful healing therapeutic technique.
 
 
TO LIVE AGAIN!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
You left today, “HIP, HIP HURRAH!”
That’s all we have to say!
A moment’s pain; that’s all I felt,
And then it went away.
The children danced around your empty room,
Jubilant and gay!
Just utter joy and pure relief,
The day you went away!
All tears were cried out long ago,
Only pain left in our eyes,
No feelings for you left in our hearts,
If you died, we’d find only smiles!
So many years of reaching, needfully,
For your love, and never finding any!
Our longing for a kindly word, or just a hug,
But your heart was always empty!
We tried and tried until all was gone,
You killed the love we had!
We’re glad at last, you’re gone from here,
Painful memories... sad and bad!
But we will throw them far away,
Never to return!
And reclaim our lives – TO ‘LIVE’ AGAIN!
In peace and hope and love!
 
~ Panayiota
 
After too long with our abuser
 
 
PRISONER OF HIS HEART
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I know there’s someone good and kind,
Deep, deep down in there,
But you just won’t let ‘him’ out,
You don’t want ‘him’ to know love, and care.
 
Instead you keep ‘him’ locked up,
In that thing you call a heart,
And we’ve tried everything to release ‘him’,
We’ve searched your entire chart.
 
Patience grew with the struggle,
Long-suffering and deep despair,
We endured your self-destruction,
We tried so hard to show our care.
 
But you wouldn’t let us in,
And you wouldn’t let ‘him’ out,
I know that there’s a kind one,
Of that I have no doubt.
 
But ‘he’s’ so buried deep, deep down,
And he’s been there from the start,
And the one who stands in place of ‘him’,
Keeps ‘him’ prisoner of his heart!
 
~ Panayiota
 
Our abuser
 
 
LOVING OUR FELLOW MAN
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Going that extra mile for others,
Adding that special touch,
Doing unselfish service,
Can mean so very much.
Drawing from our store of energy,
Making the needed time,
Sacrificing our own needs and pleasures,
For other’s – That’s Love Divine.
Service that won’t be forgotten,
Love that will lift tired souls,
Effort, so generously given,
Unselfishly, without ‘Pay-Back’ goals.
Imagine the joy of the world,
Through Love ~ Everyone can,
Serve the way God intended,
To love our fellow man.
 
~ Panayiota
 
I try hard to do my part
 
 
MOMMY WASN’T A REAL MONSTER
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Mommy wasn’t a real monster
Although sometimes
I thought she might be
When quite suddenly
And least expected
She’d attack me
Like a wild animal
Let loose from its’ cage
With her face so distorted
So ugly
In a twisted snarling rage
She’d move so fast
With a screeching growl
Descending upon me
In a furious attack
Her eyes glowing red
My world spinning
Everything black...
 
But no... I see more clearly now
As I learn more...
 
Mommy wasn’t a real monster
Deep-deep down inside
In that dark and lonely place where she got stuck
The day her own sweet innocence died
 
~ Panayiota
 
My Mother ~ abuser (also abused as a child)
 
 
THANK GOD! THE NIGHTMARE IS OVER
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
It’s over! It’s over at last!
New hope… freedom’s gift… goodbye past!
The nightmare is over, though memories stay,
Still trying to hurt, but they’ll soon go away.
Thank God it’s over! Thank God he’s gone!
Another chance, after trials so long.
What new trials could ever be so bad,
Or hurt so much, or make us so sad?
Perhaps there’ll be others, but for now,
 
We are free,
 
To start life all over, because you see,
 
He’s gone!
 
Thank God… the nightmare is over…
 
He’s gone!
 
~ Panayiota
 
Divorced our abuser...
 
 
NO TIME TO REST
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Nothing changes...
I do my duty every day
I love my job and want to stay
But I’m no longer happy
Something’s wrong
Don’t you see
Can’t you see
I feel like a part of me dies more each day
No time for laughter
No time for play
No creating pretty things
To delight and please the little ones
Nothing anymore to make my spirit sing
Just long dull days doing what I must
So others can sing
While I’m left bust
Exhausted
Exhausted
Nothing left
But a soul that is feeling empty, bereft
No time to meditate
No time to think
Just do what I must
While dishes pile in the sink
No time for family
No time for friends
No time to paint
No time to sew
No time to write
No time to visit
No time to rest
No time
No time
To be my best
No time
No time
To be my best
No time to rest
Even in my bed at night
It does not stop
Searching through the blackness
For what next must be done
The wheels keep turning
Churning
Yearning
Insides crying
Slowly dying
 
(14 March 16)
 
~ Panayiota
 
Did you ever love something so much and give your all to it, but in the end, it begins to destroy you?
 
 
OUR KING OF HEARTS
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Lovely Thunder,
Our king of hearts…
A master giver of unconditional love,
And true passion.
Servant of attention,
Beggar for your own desires,
Ambassador of goodness,
Most Beloved friend.
Once alive with your own joy for life,
Content to just be near,
To those you loved so dear.
Your eyes would close easily,
When we held you close,
Serene and confident,
That all was well in your happy world.
No one could harm you,
When everything was so perfect,
Safe in the giving and receiving of love.
But harm did find you,
In a moment of blissful joy,
Soon after you woke that fateful day!
A tasty sausage just waiting for you,
So delicious! A perfect breakfast treat!
All trusting in sheer delight,
As you eagerly gobbled it down,
No fear of the evil about to possess you!
No fear of poisoning! No fear of death!
No arms to hold you close
When you closed your eyes for the last time!
You died alone in agonizing pain,
In the cold, dark night! All alone!
Goodbye our faithful, loving friend,
We will always hold you in our hearts,
Until we meet again.
We miss you… Your broken-hearted family!
 
~ Panayiota
 
Thieves poisoned our dog, Thunder.
 
 
WHERE IS THE OTHER YOU?
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Could it be true, you are trying to change?
For that, I find hard to believe!
Could it be that I could really trust you,
And know my trust were true?
How could a leopard change its spots?
How can a camel loose its humps?
What would an elephant do without its trunk?
Or a warthog without its warts and lumps?
How would I recognize you without your stripes?
Or listen to you without your put-down gripes?
How could I believe it’s you without your song,
Of how I do everything so awfully wrong?
Am I to believe a change is being made,
And your intentions are now quite true?
Put my guard down and try again,
To just believe in you?
Or will you hurt me as before
And tear my heart in two?
If you have changed then tell me now -
WHERE IS THE OTHER YOU?
Yet I feel a softening in my heart,
Because my mother, your friendship I so desire!
Please don’t let me down yet again,
And turn out to be that same old liar!
 
~ Panayiota
 
She lied again...
 
 
FREE AND TRUE AS THE SONG OF A BIRD
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I think his very soul has lost its joy and can’t remember where to find it
He escapes into a world of make believe
Where he doesn’t have to hurt or feel
A world that is not real.
 
Few things make him smile these days; his true laugh is such a treasure
But more often it is strained and false
Not from his heart at all
His true spirit is now on call.
 
You have to dial the numbers just right to wake it up by day or night
For it has withdrawn into a lonely place
That has caused him to forget the world around
Where there alone he’s lost and bound.
 
All I can do is hope and pray for a true light to shine on his lonely way
For joy to return to make him whole
That his laughter may once again be heard
Free and true as the song of a bird.
 
~ Panayiota
 
For an abused child
 
SEE MY LIGHT SHINING NOW!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Today I’m not your idiot anymore
Nor am I your ugly, useless child
See abusers, you never won
See how brightly I’m shining now
You could not keep my light away
There was nothing you could do
To make “this light” go out
 
Though sometimes it seemed
As if the darkness
Would totally consume
Smother and obliterate me
For all time and eternity
My inner light still shone
Though dimly for many years
Suffocated by haunting fears
But... you could not snuff it out
It would not die
I would not die
 
Little candle
Once flickering weakly
In a pitch-dark room
Just keeps burning on
Brighter and brighter ever day
Making the blackness go away!
And will continue burning brighter
Until all YOUR darkness
Is finally gone!
 
~ Panayiota
 
 
LONGING TO HEAR HUMANITY’S TRUE SONG
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
There are different ways of being spiritual
And there’s different ways to love
There are different ways of communicating with Heaven
And different relationships with God
Each one is quite unique
And that’s the beauty of this earth
We must accept the differences
Of colour, creed and birth
How powerful could love be
If it was given freely every day
And we did not have to judge
With whom we choose to laugh and play
Reach out to another’s hand
Without looking first to see
If that hand belongs to someone
Good enough for you or me
Why should it even matter
Whose hand it does belong,
Don’t we all so long to hear
Humanity’s true song?
 
~ Panayiota
 
 
ONLY LOVE CAN LIFT THE CURSE!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
He doesn’t want people to know him,
For he no longer knows himself,
He doesn’t want people to feel for him,
Because he no longer feels much for himself!
 
He doesn’t want people to celebrate for him,
For he celebrates not for himself,
He doesn’t want people to love him,
For he doesn’t love himself!
 
Don’t live for him; don’t die for him,
Don’t even exist for his life,
For he’s no longer living or dead,
And he doesn’t exist for himself!
 
He denies that he has a problem,
Yet he struggles in a lonely place,
Where he’s tried to rub out his own feelings,
And has even erased his own face!
 
Don’t hate him for who he’s becoming,
You will only make things so much worse!
Love him regardless, I beg of you,
For Only Love can lift the curse!
 
~ Panayiota
 
I see a young man who has withdrawn into the lonely pseudo world of computer gaming as a result of childhood abuse and devastating tragedies, and he seems to be hopelessly lost in there somewhere... having seemingly shut out the entire world and his responsibilities toward life and others... and it saddens me so much.  I truly believe that only a never-ending supply of unconditional love could gradually find him and help him to find himself again... to lift the curse cast on him as a result of child abuse.
 
 
SADNESS
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Sadness wants to be who I am whether I like it or not!
Surely this was not meant to be my eternal lot!
It will not leave me – it will not let go!
It is what it is – it is just so!
All through the years sadness has chosen to stay!
With its hunched back stance and it’s destroying way!
There sadness just sits inside of me,
Staring downward forlornly at a wet muddy sea!
And the tears from my soul keep spilling down!
And the lines on my face have engraved a sad frown!
And I’m dying you know… a bit more each day,
Because sadness won’t let me live and it won’t let me play!
 
How dare sadness have such a hold on my heart?
How dare sadness choose to tear me apart?
How dare sadness rule who I am all my life,
Twisting my soul causing nothing but strife?
How dare grief overshadow my days and my nights?
What about ‘my’ feelings? What about ‘my’ rights?
But sadness cares nothing for who I should be,
It just won’t let go its strangling grip on me!
And so I am tortured each and every sad day
Where I am so lost I can’t find my way!
 
Sadness has trapped me too long in its miserable dark world,
Where no one can see I’m so sorely embattled!
I must not allow its destructive treachery!
I must rise against “it” to reclaim “life’s victory!”
And if I die before I succeed, please say to the world this of me,
“She did all she could to be free!
She never gave up her healing quest!
She always worked hard to become her best!”
She succeeded in bringing healing to the sad world out there,
With all of her loving and all of her care.
 
~ Panayiota
 
 
GOD KNEW
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
He sent him into this land of suffering, because He knew he would endure,
And rise above the turmoil, to become the sufferer’s cure.
 
God knew that he would survive the worst… the hardships and the pain,
He knew that he’d rise above it all, to find his true spirit again.
 
He knew he’d work it out in the end, and his confusion would subside,
And he’d find that lost part of his soul again… the one that nearly died.
 
He knew that he’d find Heaven’s Peace, during the darkest storms of life,
He knew his faith and hope would shine, a light through all the strife.
 
God knew he’d be victorious, He knew he’d find his way,
And he’d stand tall and true again… One Lovely Celestial Day.
 
God knew his love would conquer all, and guide him ‘Home’ again.
He knew his love would be his strength, to overcome his trial and pain.
 
God walked with him throughout his life and carried him when tired and sore,
He knew that someday His lovely son would rejoice as he did before.
 
~ Panayiota
 
For my beloved son who endured many struggles
 
 
THE JOURNEY YOU KNEW
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No matter how deep your troubles are buried,
No matter the terrible memories ferried,
Across the turbulent and muddy waters of life,
That wash over the stony islands of toil and strife!
No matter the clouds of deep despair,
Where there was no love and there was no care!
No matter the winds, merciless and strong,
That blew you off course and smothered your dream song!
No matter the lightening that rent you in two,
Or the thunder that always shouted abuses at you!
No matter the dark forests of “Nobody Cares”,
Where the thick fog of judgment is filled with blank stares!
No matter the mountains so hard to climb,
Where you slip and you slide down time after time!
 
No matter!  No matter, for life must go on,
So you need never stop trying new words for your song,
And someday you will sing it, completed and true,
Because you endured - The Journey You Knew.
 
~ Panayiota
 
 
I FOUND MY OWN WORTH
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
In the darkest forests of deep despair, I found a mystic grove,
And there I found an ancient place, with gold engravings of True Love.
I found my own worth among the ruins; I did this all on my own!
For almost 50 years I had searched, lost and so alone!
 
I found small treasures along the way that showed me who I was,
I saw my own reflection, in a most beautiful, but damaged vase!
I found a treasure chest of hope that glistened in the sun,
And took from it, lovely jewels of joy, and gems of true friendship and fun.
 
I found an ocean’s raging scene and discovered calm far beneath the waves,
And I found many precious and wonderful things within the ocean’s graves.
And when lightning rent the air in two and thunder shook the ground,
I found my faith and trust again, within the storms that did surround.
 
I learned to care for everything when no one cared for me,
I learned to give what’re I could, even if there was nothing left for me.
In my twisted, frightening nightmares, I learned to face life’s horrors,
And found a strength and will to live that would melt away my sorrows.
 
And when I climbed the mountains steep and the roads were rough and long,
I learned to sing in my own true voice, because I’d found my own true song.
And so it was that at the most terrible times of my life, I found my own worth and way,
And I rejoice in these discoveries, because I know my own worth today!
 
~ Panayiota
 
So many years wasted on not believing in myself or realising my worth as a result of all the negative script messages still shouting at me from my past... but now I know differently... I am a worthy somebody after all!
 
 
THE FIRST CUT IS ALWAYS THE DEEPEST
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Little girl, once innocent and sweet
Ripped apart for his panting need
In tear soaked emptiness... left to bleed
Forever, drifting on a far and distant plane
Never to return again
Lost but still alive... she will survive!
 
~ Panayiota
 
The truth be told!
 
 
I'M IN THE VALLEY LORD
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Once again, I'm in the valley Lord,
With its walls looming tall and dark.
Sunshine cannot reach me here Lord;
Everything’s so barren and stark.
 
Water is drying at my feet Lord;
Tears that can no longer flow.
Shadows wailing and haunting;
Broken memories and threatening foes.
 
But somehow, I feel you are here Lord,
Urging me to keep going on,
To climb up these steep jagged walls,
In my search for the safe road back "Home".
 
Help me to let go of this anguish Lord...
Hold onto my hand I plead.
Just knowing You'll never abandon your child;
Oh Lord, thank You... You're all that I need.
 
~ Panayiota
 
 
OUR BEAUTIFUL SONG
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I live in three worlds that clash and divide
With chasms and rock falls on every side
Where storms come and go leaving chaos and mud
And absolute devastation in each suffocating flood
 
A frightened little girl weeps in a broken heap
Holding her knees as she tries to sleep
The weight of her tears presses her down
And all the while, she fears she might drown
 
An angry adolescent lashes out at each threat
Bent on defeating the troubles she’s met
And all the while a screaming wind blows
Painfully returning all that she throws
 
An adult is left confused and alone
Wondering if she’ll ever find her way home
And no one can reach her, or find their way in
They can’t understand where the others have been
 
And so the war rages, inside and out
Leaving her wondering what “Life’s” all about
But deep down she knows that no matter how bad
No matter how hard, and no matter how sad
 
She does have a purpose and has to go on
For her life has been blessed by a beautiful song
She hears the tune faintly, but its meaning is clear
Her spirit is awakened in just knowing it’s there
 
She believes that one day her music will play loud
With chorusing angels atop every cloud.
So she’ll never give up... she’ll never give in
There’s coming a day when she will hear her voice sing.
 
While the little girl will remember how to laugh and play
And the adolescent will find peace at last on that day.
And all three will embrace united as one,
Joining together in their beautiful song.
 
~ Panayiota
 
An adult survivor of severe child abuse... broken child by mother's abuses and a very angry rebellious adolescent side as a result of stepfather's frequent raping, beatings, etc. The feelings of these other parts are frequently triggered by things that happen in my adulthood, and my reaction to such triggers causes problems in my relationships, functioning, etc.  It's a struggle to stay on top of the devastating effects of child abuse!  I hope to find a sponsor, so that one day I will be able to publish a "Poetic Journal of my Life".  A life-long dream I have held onto.
 
 
OUR UNTOLD FUTURE
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
All our lives we felt needed, with so much going on,
But now those busy years are sadly gone,
We're left sitting alone in a darkened place
Relying solely on others for love and grace
 
For smiles, peace and happiness, their time and their care,
While we think of Heaven and feel it more near.
“There”, are our loved ones – not with us anymore,
A dream we have left that is worth longing for.
 
But the days they drag on for hour upon hour
While we appreciate more the scent of a flower,
The sweet birds that visit day after day,
That dance in the trees, their colourful display.
 
Their sweet, pretty songs of “hope” after days now gone,
To remind us that we’re never entirely alone.
For Heaven’s with us in nature and all lovely things,
The fruit on the trees and the butterfly’s wings.
 
And as sure as the day that we were born,
There’s loved ones in Heaven, awaiting our return.
All pain and loneliness will no longer remain
As someday we’ll be made whole “There” in pure joy again.
 
So life isn’t over just because we’ve grown old,
A “Blessed Future” exists, that is yet untold.
 
~ Panayiota
 
For the beautiful old folk and especially those in old folk homes - the ones who don't have visitors and seem forgotten.
 
 
THE NOTES OF A BEAUTIFUL SONG
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Sometimes God allows us to leave the right path for a time
So we’ll find out way "Back" on our own,
And we often find out that the new path we’re on,
Leaves us battered and naked, alone!
 
Our true path can only be found high above,
Leading to the top of the “Mountain of Hope”,
There’s often a great struggle to find it there,
Sometimes hidden on a steep mountain slope.
 
So although it appears we may have lost our true way,
God knows that it still lies ahead,
For the journey’s not over and can never be,
Till we’ve taken our very last breath.
 
So don’t judge the path another might take,
We can’t see their beginning or end.
Only God knows the path we each need
And He’s plotted every forest and bend.
 
We cannot force others to travel “our way”!
Or expect them to know what we mean.
If they haven’t been sent on the paths of “our lives”
Or seen all the things we have seen.
 
God counts every hair on the head of each child,
Appointing each an important “unique task”,
He helps us along and supplies every need,
Though we often forget to look or ask.
 
If we just opened our eyes to His presence each day,
No matter the path others are on,
We’ll learn to accept that each soul on this earth,
Is exactly where we belong...
 
♪  ...Like the notes of a beautiful song... ♪
 
When the notes come together in harmony and grace,
A beautiful tune is played
By accepting with faith the path of each child,
God’s Love is exquisitely portrayed.
 
~ Panayiota
 
What inspired this poem was listening to an abusive father sneering at every aspect of the path that each of his adult children had taken, whilst he still wondered why they were alienated from him.
 
 
INTENSITY
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
The intensity is more than I can bear!
Burning acid on every rip and tear!
Bubble, bubble toil and trouble!
So much chaos, so much muddle!
I cannot bear it anymore...
But I'm not ready for Heaven's Door!
Help me!  Help me!
Please make me brave!
Save me! Save me!
Please help me...
Save...
 
~ Panayiota
 
 
IT DIDN'T MATTER ANYMORE!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
It didn’t matter anymore,
By the time ‘he’ got ‘his’ way with me!
‘Mommy’ had done it all already!
Nothing was new!
‘She’ had already stripped me bare,
Raped my soul and shaved my hair,
Beaten me black and blue,
Killed my smile and kicked me stupid!
Said, I was ugly and vile!
Shouted at me night and day,
Saying I was no good!
‘She’ did not love me at all!
Said, I was ‘her’ downfall!
So it didn’t matter anymore,
By the time ‘he’ came along!
‘She’ taught ‘him’ how!
‘She’ showed ‘him’ how!
‘She’ told ‘him’ it was ok!
So, I put out my light!
And I stopped singing my childhood songs!
‘He’ gouged out what was left of my heart,
When ‘he’ did what ‘he’ did to me!
Forcing me to take part!
But it didn’t matter anymore
After what ‘mommy’ had done!
I stayed just as dead inside,
So ‘he’ could also have ‘his’ fun!
‘My child’ was gone!
No more to play!
Innocence destroyed!
Not one more childhood day!
But it didn’t matter anymore
Once ‘he’d’ had ‘his’ way!
***
So many years gone by in a twinkle of an eye...
So much of ‘my life’ wasted...
Endless twisting pain...
Ripping, tearing loss...
***
IT MATTERED DAMIT!
Don’t you see it mattered?
What’s left of my life matters!
I matter!
 
~ Panayiota
 
 
A BEAUTIFUL PEARL
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A pearl, a solid sphere of beauty and sheer delight,
Round and smooth and shining, a truly magnificent sight.
A bright lustre of purity, a gentle glow of love,
A witness of God’s creation, His wonder from above.
A little piece of grit inside an oyster shell,
Irritating and unbearable, if the oyster could only tell.
But without complaint or moaning, he bears his misery,
And slowly coats that little grit, until it can’t be seen.
And from something so awful, a thing of beauty comes,
A masterpiece of time, the oyster’s pain, he numbs.
We can’t rely on others to cure all our aches and pains,
Some effort from within ourselves will heal our hearts again.
And from life’s test and trials, so difficult to bear,
Can come a thing of beauty, of love and hope and care.
So next time you’re down and miserable and you feel you’re in a rut,
Think of the intrepid oyster and his annoying piece of grit.
 
~ Panayiota
 
 
I'M RUNNING ON 'THAT TRACK' AGAIN!
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I’m running on ‘that track’ again!
Must do it right!
Work day and night!
Work hard – work strong – work well – work now!
No rest – no peace – don’t stop – go on!
 
Just for your real smile mother
For just awhile
Just one
 
I’m running on ‘that track’ again!
Must be perfect!
Must be right!
All of my energy!
No rest at night!
 
Just for your hug mother
Turn on the light
Let it be true
Let it be right
 
I’m running on ‘that track’ again!
Too much to do – too much to do!
Too hard – too sore – but must not stop!
No matter the aching – I must not drop!
 
Just so you’ll be proud of me mother
Just this once please
Don’t turn your back mother
Don’t beat me... please
 
I’m running on ‘that track’ again!
There is no end – just another bend!
Go on – go on!  I must go on!
My tears cannot stop your cracking whip!
Your angry face won’t disappear!
Must run so fast – ignore my fear!
 
Just for one kind word from you mother
Your gentle call
Some reassurance of your love
Oh mother – that’s all.
 
~ Panayiota
 
For 50 years I dreamed of having my mother’s love before I realised it was never going to be and finally I gave up...
 
 
WHITE STALLIONS OF THE SEA
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White stallions rose up from the foaming sea
And galloped toward the shore,
Upon the crest of a windblown wave,
A magnificent sight they were.
 
They leaped and dived on the driven waves,
They danced upon the breeze,
Their great white manes, flowing behind,
Wild stallions – no one could seize.
 
For these ghostly stallions only appeared
When the moonlight shone on the sea,
And a heavy mist would hide them from view
And keep them a mystery.
 
As they reached the shore, they’d disappear,
As mysteriously as they had been,
In a wild rushing of foam, caressing the shore,
These stallions have never been seen.
 
But every stormy moonlight night,
When the sea is wild and loud,
The stallions appear on the crest of a wave,
Hidden by a misty cloud.
 
~ Panayiota
 
In memory of a painting I once saw and have never seen again... I loved it so much!  I hope to paint my own one day (another dream still to come true)
 
 
RAISING THE FLAG OF VICTORY
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With battle cry I lift anew my life
For I know this is what I must do
To transcend my bitter past
To raise high the flag of ‘Victory’
For all the world to see.
To be set free...
Upon the waves that draw me Home
Back to that Place where I was born
To be with Him who sent me here
For it is He I love so dear
I cannot let Him down!
Nor you!
Nor I!
I must succeed...
Oh yes – I must!
 
~ Panayiota
 
 
SLAYING YOUR DRAGON
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Such a life full of turmoil!
A mind full of turmoil!
Embattled spirit!
Wounded soul!
Trapped in a body
Designed to protect
Your frightened inner child!
“You won’t get me first!”
Your child cries out...
“I’ll get you first... you’ll see!”
And so all your facets unite
To gain victory
Over what once was
But is now furiously denied!
A time when your child was too small,
Too out of control,
Too alone-hurt-abandoned-weak-neglected
To do anything about it then
And so forever stuck in a quest
To stay the onslaught
Of an eternally attacking world
As you see it to this day
Unable to trust in peace
Unable to believe in “true, unconditional love”
A world where everyone’s the enemy,
So you have to stay strong
YOU HAVE TO STAY STRONG!
Strong enough to keep on slaying
That cruel and ugly dragon from your past!
 
~ Panayiota
 
About a client who denies his past of child abuse and hurts and abuses others so much as a result of it.  Child abuse is a terrible thing that is able to wreak havoc on the entire lifetime of the person who suffered it and others in their lives also.
 
 
FIXED GAZE
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Broken inner child of her
Sits alone – dark dungeon – lost within
Wishing to be free
Stronger, braver, happier perhaps.
In her deep subconscious
An adult-self can be seen
But cannot yet be reached as equals
To be united (healed) as one
Their two worlds remain divided
By an impenetrable tear-soaked screen
Drenched in the constant, bleeding pain
Aching, unquenchable longings
Still reaching for what never was
But should have been hers
Reaching out of a horrible past – conveniently forgotten!
Still haunting – Splitting reality!  Exploding cells!
Into a million swirling puzzle pieces
Rusted iron shards, which cannot connect?
That bump and grind and rip apart!
Her already broken, blood soaked heart
Chaos, confusion
Drifting wood on a windless sea
Trapped for all eternity
Yet she fixes her gaze on possibility
On a distant hope so blurred to view
A dream she holds on tightly too
Behind what can’t yet be seen
But it is her dream – it is her dream!
And somehow she still believes
Dreams do come true
 
~ Panayiota
 
 
WHERE LOVE RULED BEFORE!
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I lived in a land where fear reigned supreme!
It was the worst place on earth where my troubles had been!
There were mountains of doubt, and trust, there was none,
And all the hopes of tomorrow were gone!
There were gossiping rivers and Judgment was King,
And Love was condemned to where once I had been!
And I lived in this world, alone and afraid,
As if I were dead in a coffin I’d made!
I never belonged there; this I knew well,
For it felt quite dreadful!  My living hell!
And the key to this land of awful misery,
Was close to my grasp; it was right within me!
I just needed to take it, to open the door,
And reclaim what was mine, where love ruled before!
 
~ Panayiota
 
In taking responsibility for my own healing... the difference between victim and VICTOR!
 
 
A SURVIVOR’S WILL
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She hates me for my successes; she despises me for doing well,
I somehow remind her of her downfalls, and she feels threatened as if all can tell.
She hates me for having good children; for coping in a lonely life,
For surviving with smiles and hopes, in a world full of toil and strife.
She hates me for even existing and wants to take total control,
She hates me for not letting her do that; for failing her mean, ugly goal!
She hates me for loving her anyway; for ignoring her insults and abuse,
She’s tried so hard to destroy me, but her efforts have been of no use.
Constantly pulling me down, telling me how useless I’ve been,
How ugly, fat and stupid, as if none of my goodness she’s seen.
It’s through all her hate and ugliness that I’ve found THE WILL TO SUCCEED!
Through my strong desire to never be like her, my Spirit has been freed!
Freed from her world of destruction!  Freed from her guilt trips of hate!
Freed from her life of bondage!  Freed from her terrible state!
She hates me for my wisdom; for knowing evil from good,
And none of her games of destruction destroyed me, as she’d hoped they would.
She hates me for believing so strongly in my God; my Heavenly King.
She hates me when I am happy and even hates how I love to sing.
She hates me for my strengths and courage and for loving my enemies too,
I’m not about to change now… mother, not even for you!
My God has moulded me just so; my spirit’s grown by the Touch of His Hand,
I’m grateful for His Tender Mercies, for I know that He Understands.
For even though you hate me so much, I have His Unconditional Love,
He sends me His Reassurance and strengthens me from above.
Yes, if my Father is there for me, then who can cause me pain?
My enemies may knock me down, but He always lifts me up again.
 
Thank You Heavenly Father ~ I love You too.
 
~ Panayiota
 
No matter how hard I tried, my mother's love was the one gift I longed for most, but was never granted.
 
 
THE VICTIM WITHIN
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There’s a victim deep within you who’s been hurt by those so unkind,
He battles to find healing for the spirit and the mind!
They twisted his very soul and broke his heart in two,
And now that crippled victim is dying inside of you!
You know he’s there within, but you try to hide him away,
He’s weak and drags you down, so you wish he wouldn’t stay!
But for now he can’t go anywhere, for he’s bound to a broken heart,
And no matter how you disguise him, of you he is a part!
In your attempts to take control, you hurt the ones you love,
Trying to take charge of a broken life, but it’s never quite enough!
Your struggles seem to burden you and weigh you to the ground,
You withdraw and drown your sorrows in the lonely life you’re bound!
But if only you would help your victim with understanding love,
And trust in Heavenly Father, whose arms reach to you from above!
No one can do this for you; "you" choose the way you go,
A hurt and damaged victim "can heal"…This I know!
 
~ Panayiota
 
Child abuse can cause endless, lifelong pain to not only the victim, but to others also.  I have learned though that healing is indeed possible.  It takes a lot of hard self-work, but it is definitely worth all the effort needed.
 
 
THE GHOSTS OF THE OCEAN CRY LOVE AND PEACE
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The ghosts of the oceans with their eerie calls,
The guardians of the deep, where there’s no judgment halls,
Sing mystical songs that penetrate the soul,
To remind us of our Heavenly goal.
 
Songs that travel across the waves,
Echoing, “There’s life in the ocean graves”,
Ghostly calls heard on the breeze,
That blows relentlessly across the seas.
 
A whale of a tale I’m sure you will agree,
But the truth you’ll find deep in the sea.
Where the ghosts of the ocean can be found,
Crying, “Love and Peace,” with and eerie sound.
 
~ Panayiota
 
To hear a whale’s cry is to touch the conscience for good
 
 
ABSENT FROM MY OWN LIFE!
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I was absent from my own life, all those bitter years,
Driven to obscurity by my own self-loathing, guilt and fears!
I became invisible to anyone who could have led me home,
And chose a desert wasteland, all alone to roam!
I struggled over my own high mountains; I was lost in my own gloomy caves,
I wondered through dark jungles and dug myself many deep, cold graves!
I became a slave to my own sad memories and let them change my soul,
I burnt myself on my own self-doubt, and lit each scorching coal!
Waves of confusion tried to drown me, in the seas of my own despair,
It was such a struggle to find shelter, from the storms of my torrential tears.
I stumbled over jagged rocks and grazed my heart so often,
Nothing could I find in that horrible place, for all the pain to soften!
But something deep inside of me, told me to NEVER, EVER GIVE UP!
And I fought to escape my torment, once I realized that I’d had enough!
 
~ Panayiota

~ Posted, 8 September 2017 ~
 
Since my hard drive crash, I lost all my blog records on my computer, so there’s no easy way to see if I have shared with you before, anything about the incredible technique known as “The Power of the Other Hand”… and with my poor memory... Oh well, I don’t have time to look back right now to see. 
 
I used this technique two days ago, to help myself through a downer and it helped me so much, so I think it’s a good one to share and hope that other therapists who might be reading this post will do some research of their own on the subject to help their clients… especially adult survivors of child abuse. 
 
WARNING!
The technique can be used successfully by anyone for gaining perspective and finding answers for problems, etc., but I strongly advise that you not only study the books on the subject before trying this out, but also, if there is any suspicion or chance that you are an adult survivor of child abuse, that you only try this out with a therapist trained in the technique.  In my own experience doing it with my therapist, the “other hand work” triggered horrible flashbacks from my past which created a time of extreme emotional discomfort and unhappiness for me.  But going through all of this with my therapist helped me to realise just how terrible the child abuse inflicted on me was, and helped me to understand my boundary crossing behaviours and other negative behaviours, as well as perception problems, etc. better so that I had something to work with to help myself to heal. 
 
In Logotherapy, we do not linger on our client’s past for longer than is absolutely necessary.  If we feel it is necessary to touch on the past briefly to gain perspective and understanding of a present problem our client is experiencing or struggling with, then we will do that, but we most certainly will not stay with our client’s in their past-story for too long.  My own therapist, a social worker, did hold me in a past state for far too long which caused iatrogenic damage in me, but since then thankfully, my study and work in the field of Logotherapy has helped me to surface and find a new and healthier way of being.
 
Regardless of what went wrong in my therapy though as a result of transference and countertransference, I will still be forever grateful to my therapist for all that went right during that time and for all that I learned about myself… my learning was invaluable and without it, I would never have been able to come as far as I am today.
 
Anyway, the other hand work, is something that still helps me today and it has also proved very helpful to my clients and I have been told, helpful to the clients of other therapists who I have passed this technique onto.   I have designed a presentation on the subject of this technique and would love to have the opportunity of presenting it and my other presentations also, locally (Krugersdorp, Gauteng), or, nearby towns and other safe areas not too far from my home.  Preferably on Saturday’s only (not at night).  Being able to present is a way for me to not only share the wonderful message of how Logotherapy has helped me to find healing, but also, a way to earn money to go towards subsidising our living and for home improvements.  I might even be able to upgrade my blog which is something I am longing to do so that I can occasionally post videos and voice messages also.
 
The power of the other hand explained briefly ©
(Note:  This exercise works equally as well for left hand dominant people as it does for right hand dominant people)

• Writing with the non-dominant hand (more often left hand) accesses the image-based emotional side of the brain.
• Swapping to the dominant hand (more often right hand) accesses the Logical side of the brain.
• Reliving of feelings occurs in the swap.
• This exercise helps one to transcribe experience into words (narrative) or drawings (images), Integrating image and logic as you swap hands.
• One would use their dominant hand (adult) to ask the (inner-child), non-dominant hand a question, or to ask about a problem they are experiencing.
• Then they would switch and use their (non-dominant - childlike hand and emotions) to draw an image impression of their thoughts and feelings in response, or answer the dominant hand in writing. 
• Then swap back to the dominant hand again to ask another question or answer the non-dominant hand’s queries.
• By doing so, the person is integrating both the logical and image-based experiences.
• This allows for truth in communicating with one’s self, as well as personal reality and honesty with one’s self.  By allowing one’s non-dominant hand (inner-child) to have a voice, the adult is able to express thoughts and feelings they would otherwise not speak about normally for fear of making a fool of themselves.  True expression of thoughts and feelings, wants and desires, dreams and hopes, anger and fear, etc. are freely revealed whilst doing “the other hand” work.
• Using the power of the other hand helps a person to face problems and find solutions to problems more readily and effectively.

 
Books to read and links to look at: 
 
The Power of Your Other Hand ~ Lucia Capacchione
Recovery of Your Inner-child ~ Lucia Capacchione
 
Lucia Capacchione, PhD, ATR
luciacapa@aol.com
http://www.LuciaC.com
http://www.VisioningCoach.org
 
The day before yesterday, I was feeling very depressed and alone in my struggles once again as a result of the hard drive crash.  Since the crash, I have been experiencing feelings of drowning in the chaos of all the losses and struggles to piece things back together in order to get my Institute work back on track and at the same time, very feeling torn by the fact that I am not finding time yet to get to piecing together whatever is left of my own personal works.
 
I decided to do a non-dominant hand drawing to express my feelings and try to help myself get back on top of things again.  I started by using my dominant had to ask myself a question… although it’s not exactly a question, but it did require a non-dominant hand answer. 
 
I wrote: “Show me how you’re feeling right now as a result of the hard drive crash.”
 
Then I responded using my non-dominant hand in drawing and writing.  I was able to gain more perspective once my drawing was done and my feelings expressed on paper instead of just destructively banging my head against the walls of my dark inner-dungeon of despair.
 
DRAWING:  My “other hand” work. 

Interpreting my drawing
If we look at the picture and read all the words, I think that “doom and gloom… destruction and hopelessness and maybe even a will to end my life” might come to mind (I can’t deny that such thoughts did enter my mind for about the first three weeks after the crash!)  But, during the interpretation of this drawing, (as with our clients), even though I see that I have crossed out the word “Meaning”, I am still able to see where the meaning potentials lie in my life and what is keeping me from drowning. 
 
Has the meaning of my life been wiped out by the hard drive crash?  Is the purpose of my life to be determined by a horrible computer virus that stole so much of what feels like my very soul from me?  Could all that destruction and those losses and all the extra work involved in “fixing it”, possibly stop me from at least still trying… pressing forward regardless of the exhaustion and stress involved? 
 
It is clearer to me when I observe what I had done by crossing out the word “Meaning”, that I have been lying to myself.  That regardless of how meaningless this situation might feel… or the wailing's of my mind…
 
“Why has life done this to me?... I cannot see any meaning in this situation!... This is the last straw!... Just another cruel and meaningless blow of fate on my life!...  What more does Life want from me!  How much more will it take!...  When will it all end!... Where is my REST?  Where is my PEACE?
 
… meaning still exists and calls to me from the depths of my soul and from somewhere… “out there”…
 
“DON’T GIVE UP!... YOU STILL HAVE WORK TO DO... YOU ARE STILL NEEDED... YOUR LIFE STILL HAS A UNIQUE PURPOSE… NOTHING CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM YOU… NO LOSSES… NO BLOWS OF FATE FROM LIFE… NO SADNESS… NO TRIAL…”
 
Searching for the meaning messages in my illustration

"Logotherapy is an unwaveringly realistic and positive orientation toward life and toward personal and collective human destiny. According to Dr Viktor Frankl, no moment in life is devoid of meaning. The innate will to meaning eternally calls man to aspire toward the highest conscious values in every given circumstance. Logotherapy is a celebration of the divine spirit of man. Logotherapy is an affirmation of the transcendent as the call to authenticity resounding deep within human conscience" ~ Haya Baker Winiarz
​

• Although I feel torn, fragmented and somewhat hopeless by the fact that I am unable to get to saving my own works in what feels like a stormy sea doing its’ best to drown/destroy me and lifelong dreams also, I see that I have drawn my one arm, outstretched towards my works.  This must mean that I am still clutching onto the hope of saving them someday.  That I haven’t given up completely on them as a result of my intense feelings of hopelessness in saving them.  The defiant power of my human spirit still reaches out in defiance of my apparent losses and real losses… shouting out to them… “I will not let you go!... I cannot… I MUST NOT!”  (JUST KEEP GOING… DON’T STOP!)
• My other hand is desperately trying to hold up the Institute (The Viktor Frankl Institute of Logotherapy), as I try to put everything there right again.  I am a person who needs order… I cannot function without it… I HAD ORDER… everything was in its’ right place before the crash… but now it all feels like chaos… stormy… drowning!  But, I am still moving forward somehow… my sense of responsibility (and gratitude) towards the Institute, our students, my mentors, etc. is also what is keeping me from drowning.  Though I have drawn the institute as though it was a huge, heavy rock… a burden, it is in-fact the extreme effort (emotional and otherwise) of just trying to fix everything for the Institute that is weighing so heavily on me.  It’s taking too long… it feels TOO HARD… I feel out of my depth trying to do it all… very alone.  But nobody can do this job for me… it is my responsibility and only I can make it all right again… but it really does feel TOO HARD right now… I feel emotionally exhausted by it all.  I find meaning in my work, so regardless of the stress involved at this time… it is what is keeping me going. 
• The hearts drawn on “Institute” and around my books and poetry, shows that I must still have a will to meaning connected to both… even a “will to LIFE”.   So, while my feet show the words, “run and hide”… I know that I cannot… I have to survive this struggle… to transcend it. 

 
REMEMBERING TO BREATHE

• I have drawn myself with two heads, with my focus fixed on those two most important areas of my life… (my work and my personal works)… and if feels as though I am being pulled in two directions… almost ripping me apart!  The depression and tension this is creating in me, is causing me to dissociate a lot during the days when I’m trying to work and this is making my progress even slower which is not helping one bit!  AARGH!  The words on my illustration “slow motion” express how it all feels right now.
• Of course, as seen in some of the words on my dress… the script messages from my past are working against me also as I continue to feel so BAD as a result of the crash and all that has gone wrong.  As if I am entirely to blame that the crash happened in the first place, and that maybe I’m not so loved or important in my role at work anymore.

 
I do hope that anyone reading this can see the value in this incredibly powerful healing technique and perhaps use it in your own practice to help your clients or selves. 
 
Please do heed the warning above first though and be well informed before doing the “other hand” work. 
 
For the general lay person dealing with little day-to-day problems, you could ask with your dominant hand… “how do I deal with this problem?”… and respond in writing or drawing with your non-dominant hand.  Very often solutions to problems are found in this way.  We most often have the answers to our problems already inside of us, we just need to discover them for ourselves and this technique helps with that.
 
So, before I end this post, some really good news…
 
1.  On the fourth of September, I was surprised by my very first donation into my PayPal account.  A beautiful friend in Israel.  A lady I have never personally met, but we have become close friends over time, because of our shared interest in Logotherapy especially.  It was the strangest feeling to receive her donation… as if I never really believed that it would actually happen that anyone would respond to my plea… it actually felt surreal to me when I saw that donation post.  I just sat and stared at it for a while as it slowly sunk in and then it was PURE JOY!  I am so grateful for the kindness that exists in this world. 
​
Raising money for my bathroom makeover and computer is a real possibility and that gives me a whole lot of hope.  I will share about that in my next post.
 
2.  My far away son and family have moved to a new home recently and they are all so happy.  My son wrote to let me know how happy he is and that he will be inviting us to a braai soon now that they are more settled.  I can’t wait. 

3.  Last night I only got 5 hours sleep, so that’s not good news… but the good news is an unusual snippet of a dream I had the night before last.  I woke up feeling elated. 

The dream was very vague, but what I can remember of it was very clear… I was standing doing something somewhere…  maybe washing dishes in a kitchen… I can’t remember, but that’s what it feels like.  I’m aware of other women in the background also doing something.  I hear myself singing that beautiful song by Andrea Bocelli, Céline Dion - The Prayer (Link below).  I’m singing as if I have no cares about who is listening or what they might think of me while we’re working together there.   I turn to my left and there’s an African lady standing next to me.  A beautiful young woman and she is smiling the most serene smile for me, as if she is acknowledging and truly appreciating my voice. 
 
And that’s it… I woke up.  It was the most unusual dream, because it left me feeling so happy… I’m still feeling it and it’s beautiful. 
 
I’m not 100% sure what the interpretation of such a short and unusual dream is, but I do hope that whatever happens, that openly sharing my voice is making a difference as you read over my blog posts… that even though I discuss my struggles here, that someone somewhere is finding their own healing way as they read also about how I work to get through my struggles and rise above them, especially through the power of Logotherapy in my life.  I would love to know that my voice is making a difference for good to someone, somewhere out there and a BIG thank you those who have already commented on my blog posts or sent personal letters to me.  Your letters spur me on and add to the meaning of my life.
​   
As an abused child I felt invisible and my voice was STOPPED… today I have at least some of my voice back again and I’m now doing my best to use it to bring healing to others who have also been rendered invisible and voiceless for far too long as a result of child abuse.  May we all find our healing so that we can together, STAND UP and SPEAK OUT against child abuse and any other forms of abuse, and may we all become the VICTORS of our own lives so that we can be there for others. 
 
I hope many will be blessed by some of the ideas that I share on my blog, so that my voice can make a difference in this world and bring increased understanding, acceptance, love, peace, healing and happiness to all.
 
My work for transcendence over my sufferings continues and I wish the same for you.
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt_OkgSOrkU
 
Lyrics (I can’t promise these Lyrics are correct… I saw them on a person’s comment on the link above and decided to share them here)
 
[Celine] I pray you'll be our eyes And watch us where we go And help us to be wise In times when we don't know Let this be our prayer When we lose our way Lead us to a place Guide us with your grace To a place where we`ll be safe [Andrea] La luce que tu hai [Celine] I pray will find your light [Andrea] Nel cuore resterà [Celine] And hold it in our hearts [Andrea] A ricordarci che [Celine] When stars go out each night [Andrea] Eterna stella sei Nella mia preghiera [Celine] Let this be our prayer [Andrea] Quanta fede c`è [Celine] When shadows fill our day [Andrea] Lead us to a place [Celine] Guide us with your grace [Both] Give us faith so we'll be safe Sogniamo un mondo senza piú violenza Un mondo de giustizia e di speranza Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino Simbolo di pace, di fraternità [Andrea] La forza che ci dà [Celine] We ask that life be kind [Andrea] È il desiderio che [Celine] And watch us from above [Andrea] Ognumo trovi amor [Celine] We hope each soul will find [Andrea] Intorno e dentro sè [Celine] Another soul to love [Both] Let this be our prayer [Celine] Let this be our prayer [Andrea] Just like every child [Celine] Just like every child [Both] Needs to find a place Guide us with your grace Give us faith so we'll be safe E la fede che Hai accesso in noi Sento che ci salverà
 
I would love to hear your comments on my posts.  You don’t need to use your real name to comment.  I will approve comments before posting, but only because I don’t want my readers (adult survivors of child abuse) to be further hurt in any way by added negativity.  So far, I have only had women e-mailing me or commenting on my posts, but would love to have the opinions of the men out there also.  Especially men who also struggle as a result of child abuse having been inflicted on them in their youth. 
 
If any of my readers would like to share your stories of how child abuse has affected your life or functioning and what you are doing to cope or heal, I will be happy to post them on my blog.  Please keep them short to approximately one Word page or less.  Thank you.
 
Thank you for sharing with me.  Here’s wishing you a great day!
 
~ Panayiota

~ Posted, 7 September 2017 ~
 
The last week or so has been kind of hard.  The struggle to catch up on piecing together the Institute since the hard drive crash (25 June) has been overwhelming and seemed quite insurmountable to me.  I have felt very alone in the quest to regain work-order again… to re-establish my comfort zone in my workplace.  The more I have stressed over trying to get it right again, the harder the task has been… I feel like nothing will ever be the same again.  Like I’m losing the battle… or already lost it with the crash!
 
The worst of the struggle is in the fact that I cannot find time to get to my own lost works, to get those back in order… find all the poems I can still find… to see how much I still have… to redo the editing on my book… to gain some sense of okayness again. 
 
Everything feels so fragmented… I feel fragmented! 
 
I’ve tried not to think about my losses, but over the last few days I realised I need help, because I’ve been trying to block out my own hurts over all that is lost… I have important work to do… I have a reputation to uphold… I’m not allowed to and don't have time to have a breakdown… but it feels so close sometimes.  So many emotions have flowed back and forth through my mind since the crash… frustration, anger, deep sadness, fear, emptiness, and so on.  I feel as though I’m in a space of perpetual mourning over the losses…  
 
Trying to keep “the mask” of “coping” on, but, it’s not working… trying to force the mask into position all the time just doesn’t work… it’s EXHAUSTING!
 
This week, I’ve decided to reach out to an online Logotheapist whose helped me through tough times before.  Because she lives far away, I feel that she’s my safest bet to reach out to, rather than to bring my problems and struggles too close to home/work.  It’s good to know she is there when I need a wise friend to chat to.  She helps me to find perspective and make sense of my own feelings… put things in order in my own mind, so that I can function better. 
 
I think what triggered this downward emotional spiral of the last week, was a result of our financial struggles of late.  Long story, but it’s been getting really bad since we stopped my youngest son’s disability grant due to the insult forced on him every time we needed to go and renew it… and I am also now paying for my own medical aid.  My second son is giving me R500 towards it, but in my desperate attempt to save money for home improvements, I have been saving his R500 in a separate account to go towards a ceiling in my garage.  With a roll-up garage door on both ends of the garage, and no ceiling, there’s so much dust collecting in the room all the time, that I can't use it.  It is wasted space.  We have a carport attached to the garage on the outside of it with a lockup gate, so the garage itself is a room that I could use for storage, sewing and painting… something I’ve longed to have ever since we moved here in 2012.  Our house is tiny and more space would be wonderful.  I’ve dreamed of having a door made through the wall of the lounge into the garage, but every time I save for that, some or other emergency crops up and what was saved then has to be used on the emergency… so this time I’ve promised myself that for now, the ceiling needs to be done and I have now saved enough for that.  Once that’s done, I will need to save again to have one of the roll-up garage doors removed and a wall and door put up instead to close in the space… that will also stop dust getting in with the wind blowing between the two roll-up doors as it is now.  Then once that’s done, I will save again for my dream door between the lounge and garage… What a difference that would make for us… I long for that day.  (As we get things done, I will take photos and share my joy with you all)
 
A most willing gardener and friend has recently come to help with our garden drainage, so that’s been a wonderful home improvement and he hasn’t charged us much.  The good man even brought old bricks and sand to help us out and we never even expected those from him.  He painstakingly sat and knocked the old cement off of each old brick before setting them in our garden to stop the flooding when it rains… he did the most amazing job of it all and I am so grateful to him.
 
I really must upgrade my blog as soon as I can.  I would have loved to have shared the two voice messages on a recent post and a video I took of our garden flooding would have fitted really well here for you to see.
 
I didn’t use my house renovation money for the garden brickwork to stop the flooding, so last month, between that and my sick son and dog and all the added expenses, we struggled a lot and I can’t say that we ate well at all.  Certainly not tasty luxuries or variety.  For instance, I have learned how to make 12 small frozen meals out of one chicken a cabbage and other vegetables… but after days of the same thing every night for supper, a person does start to crave something else and it’s hard when you cannot please those cravings. 
 
But what got me sad the last two weeks or so, is the realisation that we needed to ask for help again.  Our church teaches us to always ask family first before approaching them (the church) for assistance… and asking for help has always been a hard thing for me to do.  I know that my children will always be there for me, but with my second son already giving R500 a month, and my daughter donating R1000 a month so that my youngest son can also go onto a medical aid now, I can’t bring myself to ask them for more… although they both insist that they are there for us.  I don’t worry my oldest son with our financial struggles, because he lives a lot further away and often has medical bills, etc. to pay with my daughter in law struggling with her health.
 
Anyway… besides my own children who I know are always there for me who phone regularly and visit as often as they can, asking family or anyone for financial assistance can prove to be a very difficult and painful task… In so doing, one finds out who is always there for you, and who never will be… and the realisation of… those who never will be are probably your judges…
 
Sometimes, it’s not the financial help a person needs, but rather the reassurance of LOVE.  I can live on my suppers of defrosted packets of chicken and vegetable soup indefinitely, so long as I know I am TRULY LOVED and cared about.  I need love far more than anything else anyone has to offer in this world. 
 
My sweet sister in law has offered ongoing assistance by allowing us to have the reject goods from her store… for that I am truly grateful… as these things will add variety and flavour to at least my son’s meals and help us to get through each month.  With me being on the Banting lifestyle to control the gout and diabetes (without medication at all), my diet is more specific.  I eat fried egg whites with a tomato for breakfast… a salad with herbs from our little garden for lunch and my chicken veg soup for supper.  There’s not much else I can eat because I can put on weight very easily!  I don’t eat any sugars or carbohydrates at all, other than what might come through my salads… no underground veggies either.  Today, I live as though I don’t have diabetes at all due to my lifestyle food changes… I don’t even need to test my blood sugar anymore and lost over 50kg’s since 2012… stopped all chronic meds and am healthier than ever today in my 60’s.  Now all I need is to get in more exercise!
 
The kind leader of my church has insisted that he is there for us whenever we need him, so I might need to ask for help this month, as this month has already started off badly with an unexpected R426 car licence bill and our gardener-friend still needs to return to finish off the drainage job he was doing and we’ve already bought more concrete and a new more expensive trowel, because the cheaper one broke when he was bashing bricks last week.
 
Anyway, the good news is, that I have found someone to come do the ceiling in my garage, so hopefully that will be done soon… one step further towards our home improvements for which I am so grateful.  I’m hoping to have enough money left over for him to fix our dripping kitchen taps… also.  The tap ends fall off and cannot be screwed on again… the holes were the screws used to go in had been broken by the previous owners.  They have been like that ever since we moved here and keep falling off, so it would be really great to get those fixed also. 
 
Yesterday I received the quote for the bathroom makeover renovation and will share that in another post tomorrow if I can find time… for that and a new computer, I will be asking for donations.
 
I think that this post has gotten long enough… I wanted to share some “other hand” work I did yesterday to help myself make sense of and process what is worrying me so much at this time… maybe I will share it in a separate (Part 2) blog post tomorrow instead as it will take a bit of explaining…  It's an incredible technique which has proved very helpful to myself and many of my clients.

I am so tired right now.  I have been working all day... counselled a client... finished shortening my logotherapy paper and sent that off to the International Forum of Logotherapy in the hopes that it will be accepted for publication in the journal... if it is accepted, that will be another wonderful dream come true for me.
 
Thank you for sharing with me today.
 
~ Panayiota 

​~ Written, 1 September 2017 ~
 
My busy is busy getting busier, but I feel I am coping better right now thankfully.  I still feel somewhat traumatised by the loss of so much of my poetry in the hard drive crash, as well as all the updating work I’d already done on my book (and a lot of my work-related forms, data, etc. also), but I’m adjusting to the fact that there’s nothing much I can do about it, but, to just to do my best at catching up again and to continue writing poetry and get back to working on my book as soon as I can find time again for that.  I will never be able to recapture all of my lost poems, but I am so touched by the love of friends and family, who without even being asked, sent me all the copies of the poems that I must have sent them once that they still had.  So, when I have time eventually to get to my own precious stuff, I will start to piece together what I can of my lost collections and hope that it will be enough, for me to one day, still be able to write my poetry book that I have so longed dreamed of doing… “A Poetic Journal of my Life”.
 
The gout has been giving me a break thankfully… only the usual little arthritis kind of aches and pains there and there.  I think that as I have been adjusting to the devastation of the hard drive crash, so the threat of gout has lessened too. 
 
What has also been wonderful, is that a garden helper has been a few times last month and this month and has built a little wall and drainage furrow out of bricks and concrete, to protect my little garden when the storms hit.  He is such a good, hard worker and I am so grateful for all he has done to make our lives that much better with his help.  Our yard looks clean and tidy and just beautiful now!  I’m very happy about that!
 
Yesterday I went to Unisa for the day to attend the Logotherapy Advanced course and Diplomate students workshop and in the evening to our students’ graduation which was wonderfully inspiring. 
 
During the two hours or so in-between Unisa and the graduation I visited with a very special logo-friend who so kindly gave me some of her beautiful clothes and did a makeover on me for the evening... I looked and felt beautiful and feel so excited about the lovely clothes I can now add to my sparse… thinner body wardrobe.  I have been very short of clothes since I lost so much weight.  There are such lovely people in this world.  I can't wait for more opportunities to wear my new clothes.  I love this special friend a lot... she is such a character of note and that's what makes her truly unique and quite refreshing to spend time with.  There are no airs or graces about her… she is a genuine human being… what you see is what you get and that makes me feel a safe-trust in her presence… a rare and beautiful friend indeed.  I wish all my most-loveliest friends lived closer <3
 
After the graduation evening, one of the students came to stay for the night with my son and I.  This morning, when I wanted to give something to him to help him with the taxi and bus fees to get back to his home in Durban, he gave to me instead in such a humble manner and refused to take from me.  It was truly a surprise which I absolutely never expected.  He's one of those people who is so quiet… always in the background, that you would probably miss what a special man he actually is.  He could be easily overlooked and even become as though he were invisible in a crowd.  But, he truly is very special and I'm so grateful we could share in his presence last night and that there are others who are doing their best to assist him in his progression... it seems to be his deepest desire to improve himself through learning and gaining in experience for the sake of others in his care and he puts every effort into making that happen… and it seems that Heaven is opening doors of opportunity to him to make his dreams come true because he is a man of integrity... a most humble and decent human being who humbles me in just knowing him <3
 
FOR DONATIONS
On Wednesday 30th a plumber came to look at our bathroom… I have asked him to give me a quote on a bathroom renovation and converting the bath into a shower.  He convinced me that to do so, the toilet would need to be moved and all the bathroom tiles replaced, because so many are already missing on the walls.  A non-slip floor would need to be put down to help me when I’m on crutches during gout attacks.  If the toilet is moved, the basin would also need to be moved and replaced, because we’ve had a problem with those taps since we moved into this house in 2012.  I am still waiting for a quote from him.  He is going to give me two quotes.  One for if he does the whole job, and buys everything that is needed, and another quote for just his labour once we have brought everything (if we choose that option).  I would still need to raise funds for the full amount though, because I just don’t have the money to get the job done.  He said it could cost as much as R35 000 for all that needed to be done… I never expected that at all.  I honestly thought it would be no more than R10 000.  As soon as the plumbers quote comes in, I will share.  I pray someone can help us please.
 
My second son has also quoted me on a Dell computer that would fit my needs for work and personal use which is on special at this time at R6000. 
 
If anyone is able to help please:​

SPRING DAY!
Last night at around 1am (the start of Spring Day), I woke to the most beautiful sound of rain accompanied by thunder and lightning.  It didn’t last long, but I thought to myself…
 
“What a wonderful way to herald in the first day of Spring.” 
 
Surely it was a sign I felt… that the struggles I have had to face of late are now lifting.  That things are going to come right and be good again.
 
Well… that’s how I feel right now… that the most recent string of struggles (blow after blow) is now finally over. 
 
Another lovely surprise happened the day before yesterday… one of the people I have been counselling surprised me by depositing R200 into my account as her ‘thank you’ for my time with her and our chats.  She was shocked to hear that hers was only the 2nd payment I have ever received for my time and work in helping others. 
 
It amazed me that literally 2 days after receiving her payment this popped up on Facebook this morning as a memory…
 
September 1, 2015
I just have to share the good news with you all... I just received news on my cell phone that my very first payment for work done as a Logotherapist (yesterday) has arrived in my bank! I DID IT! In my heart, I am now officially a Logotherapist... a lifelong dream come true... one I NEVER believed could come true... "Who me?"... YEEEEEES... ME... WOW!!! OH, HAPPY DAY!!! Standing tall... head held high... feeling very... VERY grateful!!!
 
I find myself pushing through the anger and the pain of the hard drive crash, and making a point of thanking my Father in Heaven every morning for giving me another day.  I learned this short prayer that a friend’s daughter wrote on Facebook once and try to say it every day when I wake… it is beautiful to me to start the day off with this prayer and it gives me a sense of reassuring peace and comfort.  I hope that many of you will also adopt this prayer for yourselves…
 
Penina Taylor ~ August 12, 2015
מודה אני
I AM GRATEFUL
Thank you, G-d, that you have woken me up to serve you another day. Thank you that you have reconfirmed your faith in me that you want me to exist in this world, which means that I have a job to do today. Thank you
 
I am also very grateful to those of you who share my blog with me.  Thank you. 
 
~ Panayiota