~ Written: 26 March 2016 ~
 
Yesterday evening I posted on my Facebook page:
 
“I struggled with really bad doom and gloom depression all day long... It was the longest, loneliest day!!!  Late afternoon, I prayed to my God to please send me some reassurance and love... my sister arrived about half an hour later... she hasn't made a special visit in a long time... my prayers are always answered... and I've been happy ever since. The depression just vanished!”
 
It truly amazes me how quickly my depression can “just vanish” so quickly once my inner-child’s most urgent need is met. 
 
Every now and then, something throws me into my most struggling inner-child state – a kind of flashback emotional state returns from somewhere far back in the darkest and most buried memories of my past.  Usually deep feeling of being rejected and unloved sets it off.  A sense of abject isolation from the world... The “Chicken Licken” feeling (I sometimes call it), rises up in me... a doom and gloom kind of feeling... “The sky is going to fall down on me” and I’ll be buried under the weight of it forever and nobody will ever be able to find me here... and no one will even be looking for me.  A sense of being non-existent... totally invisible... AGAIN!  Just like I must have often felt as a child.
 
A special friend responded to my post on my Facebook wall by writing:
 
“Awww....I love the beautiful way your prayer was answered, but dislike, immensely, that you were so sad today!”  (she inserted a crying face)
 
I have chosen to respond more fully here in my blog:
“...You will get used to me having my ups and downs quite often and in fact, I hide a lot of the downers from my friends (you'll know when I’m struggling with a downer when I get really quiet on my wall or on my blog for a time... but I might also be extra busy at work at such times)...”
 
The downers seem to happen a lot more than the ups and especially lately. I usually only mention the downs as above, if I can follow up with a positive meaning or sharing message immediately, or when I’m in a more desperate emotional state and need to feel connected to “something and someone” immediately.  Often “the connection” with someone who I believe really cares, is all it takes to wrest the anguish from my soul again and make me feel more at peace.
 
I managed to overcome and transcend so much of my past since I started my study of Logotherapy in my 50’s, but sometimes I feel that I'm losing the battle of what my therapist did to me with her fanatical religious pushing, because it's hurt my religious worldview and relationships so much and continues to play out and be reinforced over and over again through other religious fanatics in my life still today who prove that they cannot love or accept me unless I do things “their way” and on “their terms”... some even on my friends list here on Facebook, who have withdrawn and rejected me, because I don’t fit in with their way of believing or behaving in the church.   It's a constant battle going on in my heart and mind which is soul destroying and hurts me more during spiritual times on the Christian calendar like this weekend. 
 
It is so important to include here, that I would NOT want to take revenge on my therapist, because I am constantly reminded of all the good she did do to help me on my healing journey before she had her, (what I believe was a breakdown) due to an exponential overnight increase in her work/study/stress load.  If I were to try to get revenge on her, then I would no longer be worthy of the good that was done and the healing that did come during the early stages of my therapy with her. 
 
I hope that there is a lesson in this for others out there, because I’ve proved it in other situations, that, always leaning on the side of “gratitude for what was good, beautiful, right and true”, (instead of focusing solely on the things that went wrong and the things that were bad), will ultimately bring more goodness, blessings and healing than any form of revenge ever could. 
 
But... I am still hurting deeply over what happened.  I am still suffering as a result of it and I have never had anyone to talk to about it, and so it is still eating at me like a cancer and still affecting my life and relationship in so many ways... it is gradually destroying me and it seems totally outside of my control, because I’m not winning this time. 
 
“Only LOVE can lift this curse”... only love can lift ANY curse for that matter.  I believe that there is great power in “True Love”.
 
I have learned, that Christian’s kill their own wounded and my trust has been totally devastated by this cruel life lesson that has been revealed to me through the most painful of experiences and not just through my experience with my therapist.
 
Where is the love? Where is the love?
 
But I still have my Father in Heaven on my side and of that I have no doubt... His Love is with me always and He shows me in so many ways each and every day, and that’s why I say, I believe in daily miracles.  I am not alone and He will see me through every sad and lonely time or painful episode.  This I trust without fail.
 
He gave me such wonderful friends on my FACEBOOK page... my refuge from the storms.  I try hard not to bring them all down with my regular downers, but it’s so healing to know I do have rare and beautiful friends who seem to really understand and care and who I can turn to when the need is greatest... people I believe I can trust.
 
I love having my Facebook friends all right here with me in my computer "bubble-world".  I don’t expect anyone of them to be caught up in my unhappiness and that’s why I generally withdraw when I feel I’ve got nothing to give back to them but my misery.  The reassurance of their loving presence is enough to raise me up each time I am down, so I can once again stand on mountains...
 
~ Pana
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJxrX42WcjQ

I recently took this beautiful, nurturing and love filled photo of one of my daughter-in-laws and her little one and wanted to share it here (with her permission) to just say a big, “Thank you”... to know that my grandchildren are so blessed with good and loving parents.  They are growing up so well and being taught how to love, be happy, play and are learning so many good things. 

I get to do aftercare with my grandchildren sometimes and consider it a huge privilege and blessing to spend time with them and to enjoy their sweet loving hugs and hear their giggles and the hilariously funny things they say sometimes, and to just be and feel included in their lives and to feel a part of my family which sadly doesn't always happen for some grandparents who are often "left out". 

It's the saddest thing ever to not be included in one's children's and grandchildren’s lives. I am grateful for the love that I feel from my family members... I do indeed see it as a privilege and blessing as I am going on to turn 60 at the end of this year.  

As a trained nurse and having once nursed in an old folks’ home, I have witnessed so much pain amongst many of the ages who are left out of their children's and grandchildren's lives. Even in my own life, in areas where I have been and felt "left out"... where I have felt rejected and not included and... “I don’t belong”... I have found the resulting pain in my heart almost completely unbearable. 

For the aged, the days without being loved and included in their families’ lives are excruciatingly long, lonely, emotionally pain filled days.

Having family and young people in my life, be they my own children, my grandchildren, nephews and nieces, or even church family and youth, helps me to feel alive, happy, loved and well. 

I pray that all my children and grandchildren will always be nearby and will always make the effort needed for me to feel and be a regular part of their lives.  

May I always know and believe in my families love for me, for without them, I literally cannot breathe!

Families are forever...

~ Pana

Written:  10 March 2016

My youngest son, my dad and another manager from their work went fishing in the rain yesterday :)... they say that it was a fine drizzle all day long, but at the same time, warm weather and no wind, so it was really quite comfortable after the scorching hot, dry days we’ve had so far this summer.  They had a wonderful day together, catching 24 large carp which they distributed to the workers at the shop where they work, on their way home!

I believe that  my dad has been really down since the shop move, which I expected anyway... any sudden and unsettling move for a 85 year old person is not good and he was so established in the other shop with his regular routine and job with the staff and customers who absolutely loved him there.  I believe they all cried a lot when they were saying goodbye to him... he cried a lot too.  The new shop doesn’t have the same machines that my dad was used to working with, so he has likely just mozied around feeling like a spare part since he got there... my son who has settled in happily to the shop move, said that my dad had even said that he wasn't going to go fishing again! (Something he was doing twice weekly before the move).

I imagined that my dad was already feeling a sense of “giving up” and I was feeling so sad for him... I have a deep empathy for the aged who I love dearly.  My dad doesn't even get to open the shop anymore since the move... (which of course we are all very happy about!!!)  He's too old now to be getting up so early in the mornings and suffers terribly from aches and pains and chilblains on his fingers in winter, but he always insisted on opening up shop in the mornings and when he’d made his mind up about something, there was no reasoning with him about it, or stopping him!

But, I believe that he is for now in a space now where he must be feeling a little redundant... feeling his age... having lost the true meaning of his present life for a time, until he gets used to the new place... I hope he does.  I am told there's lots less customer traffic there too, but one good thing is that some of the same people who visited the shop where he was working before, also come to this shop, and of course they took quite a few of the workers with them, so he's not entirely separated from what he had before.  My dad is with my brother more too now which I know would be a big plus for him and I’m also sure that my brother and sister in law will soon work out a plan of how to keep him busy and feeling as though he is still of worth and still has a place of being needed in the business and in this world.

I'm so glad they went fishing yesterday and had a great experience. I can just imagine my 85 year old dad happily standing in the rain all day; he was doing what he loves most and I am sure it was a good reminder to him that not everything has changed, so I am feeling very grateful to Heaven for making their fishing day possible because a heavier rain was forecasted yesterday where they go fishing.

My dad who experiences some deafness now, is also experiencing a lot of pain these days in his back with bones gradually disintegrating.  He was told recently that he can't cast his finishing line out anymore.  It’s so sad to see old age gradually creeping up on him... I’m sad that he had to experience the disruption of the shop move also, but at least he can go to his fishing still for now with his fishing buddies and for that I am truly very grateful!
 
Knowing my dad who has been so courageous and resilient all his life long, I believe he will adjust soon to the new shop and just make the most of the situation as it stands.  He will undoubtedly make new friends with the customers and staff there and he will find a way to be his positive, dear old self again.  In some ways, this could even be a blessing in disguise for the very reason that the new shop is quieter. 
 
I have always believed that everything happens for a “good” and even “divine” reason, often way beyond our comprehension at the time that it happens.
 
My dad is a remarkable human being who has great strength of character, who I have always looked up to.  A man who had suffered greatly in his early years, yet he just keeps on keeping on in the best way he possibly can, making the most of all situations he finds himself in, and making so many happy along the way with his positive and loving ways, beautiful friendly smile, jolly laugh and great sense of humour... I love my dad so much!
 
I dread getting older, but my dad has always been my inspiration and his great example of resilience gives me courage to keep moving forward in the best possible way I know how also. 
 
When I get that old, I want to have the opportunity to die whilst doing something I love doing... like my dear old daddy fishing in the rain at 85 years of age and still going to work every day...
 
...instead of being left to rot away in a lonely miserable existence in a rocking chair... like a forgotten, unloved, unwanted nobody...
 
...That would be like being dead in the world and even in your body, before you even died!  I have worked with the aged... I have experienced this type of misery in “non-existence” among them...
 
I DREAD GROWING OLDER!  (Patty dreads me growing older... she never had a real chance to "live" her childhood... she was already a forgotten, unloved, unwanted nobody there where she lived with her abusive mother and stepfather... and now it seems that all hope is already fading for her, as I will turn 60 years old this November) 

I cannot and must not give up! 

Until I take my last breath, there is still always hope of a happier tomorrow!  If my life could change so much for the better in my 50's, then why not even better still in my 60's...

I must continue to believe in tomorrow!

~ Pana

Written 3rd March 2016
 
I never did say I was perfect and want to share just how hard my life can be at times as a direct result of having lived with abuse in my childhood.  I am sharing, not to gain sympathy, but only to illustrate how complicated a person’s life can be as a result of abuse in childhood.  How in a matter of hours in one day, I am able to experience my emotions from bitterly sad and feeling as though the sky is falling down, to angry and suicidal, to laughing over an incident with a spider, and so on.  I want to share how having some kind of support structure (even Facebook) and imagining that someone outside of “my bubble life” who truly understands and believes in me, can be a most powerful motivation for coping and healing.
 
This will be a long post and I hope you will still take the time to read it and let me know if you identify with anything I share here.  I am grateful for all of you who do write to me... it means a lot and you help me greatly on my own healing journey also... Thank you... it is so good to know I am not alone. 
 
[As I’ve mentioned before, Facebook is my place of refuge from the storms.  It has taken me a long time to surround myself with friends on my wall who I feel have “got my back”... friends I feel I can trust.  Some newcomers I am still a little wary of and wonder why they friended me, but for now I am giving them the benefit of the doubt until I am sure of how I feel about having them there.  I have no problem deleting if I feel that I am being judged in any way by the people on my friend list.  I don’t have any other place of refuge in this world and so my Facebook page is a very important place for me to recharge and I cannot allow it be contaminated by mistrust or the judgment of others.  Only the rare and the beautiful are invited into my “bubble world” to spend time with me here.  Of course, some good people have been deleted on occasion, as a result of just one person who I felt so hurt and betrayed by I deleted everyone connected to them, or even everyone on my friends list due to feeling so shaken and disturbed by the "one person".  Trust is paramount to my existence, because there is so little left in me. 
 
I trust that I will find peace at last when I cross over the veil into Heaven someday... it is truly the only real hope for peace I have left to hold onto in this world.]
 
[On the 26th February, I was feeling so hurt and angered by some shocking news and not feeling I had the strength to speak about it, I posted on FB the following:]
 
Feeling incomplete (with an unhappy smiley face that only had half a face)
 
[But as always, my caring friends wanted to know what was wrong and I then felt I owed them and explanation and was grateful to have someone who I felt I could trust. to speak to about it.]
 
Filled with anger and disappointment, I wrote on my wall (adapted for blog posting):
 
Looooong sorry, flipping story....

As you know I got very little sleep the night before... didn't get a chance to nap all day... just one thing after another... too busy... so was feeling totally messed by the time my youngest son came home... I could see immediately that something was wrong (intuition told me it was bad)... my son said he knew nothing... so I sent a message to my sister and sister in law to ask what was up... both took ages to answer which made me even more uncomfortable and anxious with the stuff that was by then going on in my head... it got so bad that I felt I couldn't even breathe... knew it was not going to be good... the tiredness dramatically exaggerated my anxiety...

When my sister finally responded she said she never knew... I felt strongly that they were keeping something from me...
 
[I was instantly feeling very betrayed by the people I should be able to trust without question... a horrible sense of “not belonging” again!]
 
Finally my sister in law responded with the story... My brother has sold the shop where my son works two blocks from our house and will move certain staff, including my son, to my brother’s other shop which is quite far from us.  I won’t have my son coming home at lunchtime anymore... it always helped to break up my day a bit when he did and I felt reassured that he was always near where we could reach each other easily and quickly if we needed to (a sense of security that I needed)

And my big concern is, how will he get to work from now on?  If he uses my car that would devastate me... I waited over a year before I finally found a replacement after my last one was stolen! ... It’s not even registered in my name yet after months, because I am not getting the help I need... we took it in for the third time the other day to do the roadworthy, because the last (passed) roadworthy deadline date ran out before I could get the help I needed with certain documents to register the car in my name... Now they have done the test again and this time they found four things wrong with it!!!!! (It passed last time!!!) Who’s going to help me with that now... I GIVE UP!!!!  I need my car to pick up my grandchildren every day for aftercare also!  Just picking them up takes almost 2 hours, because it’s three children all at different times at two different schools.  I can’t afford to spend more time on the road transporting my son as well!
 
[As the reader can see, at this point my whole world seemed to be turned upside down over the news... total chaos going through my mind... panic... fear of the unknown... lost control over my sense of peace... ripped from the safety of my comfort zone yet again!  All these intense and out of control feelings stemming from my childhood of abuse and the uncertainties, upheavals, chaos, insecurity and fears that existed there, way back in the past, that still affect me today!]
 
We were already hit with unexpected expenses this last month with my son’s swollen foot... R80+ for injection and meds at the local pharmacy... then the person in charge of our complex, tells us we’ve been short paying the levy for a year (which we were totally unaware of) and I had to back pay R370 and another bill for R124.05 for insurance on the zozo, etc.... I had to take it all from my house renovation savings... and now the car needs four things fixed also!

I don’t do well with change; especially not BIG change like my brother’s shop being sold... I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under my son and I.  This has upset me so much that I was actually hyperventilating trying to tell my middle son about it on the phone this morning in a fit of tears!  I could feel the tingles caused by the hyperventilating in my cheeks and fingers already... I knew what to do so stopped it from progressing by breathing into my cupped hands!
 
[My middle son is the one person I feel I can trust with my most out of control and seemingly ridiculous emotions... (Patty’s emotions) that surface like a volcano and take over completely in the moment... consuming my adult self in the process... He is the one person I feel I can trust not to judge me at times like that]
 
~ Flashbacks from my childhood... mother always moving... many losses in the process... never knowing about it until it was happening... just one day you are safe and settled here and the next she was moving us again... every 6 months to a year... just made friends and they were torn from us... etc. etc. etc. ~

Everyone says... “be grateful your son still has a job”... and I am, more than anyone could ever know... but nobody can see the added problems I am imagining we will now have on so many levels because of this change... nobody will care... I must just keep being grateful and bugger everything else!

Just get on with life and deal with it...

No Logotherapy wisdom or strength in me right now... I’m ready to throw in the towel completely!!! Been through the shock and crying stage and now in the very angry with life stage!!!  What comes next... ?
 
[The anger was so deep and the wayward explosion of emotions so overwhelming that I was feeling extremely suicidal!]
 
I really don’t want to talk to anyone right now... I just want to get through this... stress levels far too high... my emotional reactions could make things even worse because nobody cares a dam when someone is in the state I am in now... so I have to do this alone and keep quiet until I get through it... AS USUAL!!! Some things never change... I’ve said too much already!
 
[At this point I was referring to the people I don’t feel 100% safe with yet on Facebook who I knew could possibly be reading my post too]
 
I can just see the one group all high and mighty... “It’s happening to her because... ”
The other group seeing my anger and saying... “She’s so ungrateful...”

STUFF THEM ALL!!!

Sometimes I TOTALLY HATE this world!!!!!
 
Switching off now... promise I won't do anything stupid... I just need time... THE STORY OF MY LIFE... time... LOL!!!!!
 
[I think that this was the most angry I had ever dared to be on my Facebook wall, yet the loving unconditional acceptance and care of my dear and faithful Facebook friends started to pour in regardless]

[One dear friend suggested that I “Forget anyone who is judging me about all this and I responded]
 
...it's not that anyone said anything, but I have learned through life the type of reaction of so many, to the downer days of others... and when I'm that deeply hurting, all I can think of these days is “who isn't there for me”...

I knew that there are people I can share my pain with here on Facebook... but at the same time I was feeling that there are others who I should not have on here at times like this, because they will not understand and I’m so tired of the judgements of this world...

Imagining people's reactions to my expression of hurting... my fear for the immediate future... my son being so far away from now on... not able to pop home for lunch anymore... my car situation... I might have to lift my son there and back... travelling late at night to fetch him... my financial situation... petrol... my already very strained time situation... stress overload, etc.

Who is REALLY there, when you REALLY need them to be? ... and it is those thoughts that hurt me even more than the situation itself...

I will probably post this all on my blog as soon as I can think straight to do so... I know there are others who struggle the same as I do... my world is very lonely... that's why I love my "regular" FB friends so much... the ones I KNOW will be there when I need them to be... the ones I KNOW I can trust NOT to take my sharing to others outside of my Facebook page, or twists my truths to make themselves feel better or give themselves answers, etc.

Those are “the others”... the enemies of my peace and healing... I can't help thinking about them too at times like this... HUMPH!
 
I am so grateful for those who are here for me when I need them... I don't know though why my heart always goes to those that aren't and overcomes me with sadness because I know I cannot turn to them in such times of struggle... but I could not be here today if it wasn't for those who are here for me no matter what.
 
[Another friend wrote and I responded]
 
Friend ~ Aw my friend I feel your pain but look @ the glass half full + just trust the rest will fall into place...
 
Pana ~ Yes dear friend, trusting in Life is essential... I always just have to get myself back to that place and I always eventually do... thank you for the reminder.
 
[The conversation to this post continued through to the next day... 27th March am...
I wrote in response to those friends messages already mentioned above and other friends who sent their strengthening love and best wishes and prayers]

Thank you.  I took 1/4 sleeping pill for two nights running and managed a good 8 hour sleep last night, so today should be a good day because I will be out with dear family and friends... will be attending a young girls memorial service an hour’s drive away from here and then afterwards, we will visit my oldest son and daughter in law and my other three grandchildren who I hardly ever get to see anymore.   I am so looking forward to being with family and friends today and just feeling the love. Thank you also for all the love I feel here... I love you all so much too and I'm very grateful to have you all in my life... Thank YOU!
 
[A friend wrote and I responded]
 
Friend ~ Stay strong my dear friend!  I know you don't want to but I know you can do it!  You are the victorious example to us!
 
Pana ~ Ah dear friend, you are such a blessing... thank you so much. I have to do it no matter what...  My friends help more than they could ever know... Just knowing that someone really cares... it's enough to help me bounce back each time... Thank you for caring also
 
[Also on the 27th am – and completely off the unhappy subject of the day before, I told my friends of an scary/funny incident that happened just before I went to sleep]

You won’t believe what happened to me last night before I went to bed! We have like this concertina type door on our bathroom... the type with folds in that you slide open and closed. So... I put my hand on to pull it closed and feel something huge and wriggling under my hand and between my fingers! SHOCK REACTION! Shake it out of my hand look down to see a GREAT BIG rain spider going crazy on the floor and then running straight for cover... to me... I didn’t know I was still capable of screaming so loud or moving so fast! I was in the bath in less than a millisecond to escape its deadly fangs!!!! My son came to the rescue laughing his head off... the thing was mammoth!!! ... the size of the palm of my hand... I NEARLY DIED!!!!! My son, laughing at the whole scene, brought a bottle to catch it in and it climbed in so casually and calmly... I think I shocked the hairs off of its legs and it hadn’t had time to recover yet. Anyway, it looked unharmed and my son emptied it over the wall onto the street side garden in the rain! They are called rain spiders or hunting spiders, so I don’t think we upset it too much for putting it out there! Let’s hope it stays there now!!!

[I enjoyed my friends’ reactions to this true horror story of mine :D]

During the day I visited with my dear friends in the town I lived in previously to attend the memorial service of their daughter and granddaughter, Mirah.  Although it was a sad occasion, it was also so uplifting and beautiful and just wonderful to be among dear friends again.  Mirah’s memorial service was held under the beautiful blue sky in the shade of tall trees... it was very, very special and I came home feeling so blessed by “Love” and reminded of what is truly most important in this world.

Sadly, I never did get to see my oldest son, daughter in law and grandchildren while we were there... they once again let us all down last minute before we could drive to them from Mirah’s memorial service.  I've gotten so used to it now; I've come to expect it... just drove home.

Yes... of course I am disappointed and feeling hurt once again... my head spinning with all the “WHY’S”... so many unanswered questions as to why they keep doing this when they must surely know how much I/we love spending time with them and how much I need to still feel as though I am a part of their lives.  But, sadly I’m becoming numb to it now.  When we do have those rare moments together, I can feel the love of my family and know that it is true, so I just have to be patient and wait for those precious moments when they find it in themselves to give of their time to be with us all who miss them so much and long to spend more time with them.  

[Checking on Facebook later in the day, another dear friend had written re: my upset the day before and I responded]
 
Friend ~ It's okay not to be full of wisdom and acceptance sometimes. We need to blow off steam. We need to feel the pain and frustration.  It's the only way to get through without bottling up.  Like an earthquake being an event to settle things into a new, sometimes more secure, more stable place.  I'm so sorry changes keep hurting you so much.  You always come back stronger, always with more empathy.  Always with forgiveness and a loving heart.  No one knows exactly what you go through, and exactly what it takes.  I love you for being the warrior princess that you are.
 
Pana ~ Tears of “True Love” this morning dearest friend.   I was able to turn off my emotions yesterday at the young girls memorial service, to be with friends who needed me more than I needed to feel and deal with my pain and fears over the big changes coming this following week that right now still feels as though my whole world has been turned on its head and gone crazy again... STOP THE TRAIN, I WANT TO GET OFF!!!

My friends here helped me to put aside my own emotions for the sake of my bereaved friends and I could only do that and am stronger today and greatly blessed because of you all.

Your (all of you) words of True Love and care have touched me deeply... they will be healing because they seem to fill those holes in my soul (that grew in my childhood) at times like this and lessen the intensity of my pain and fears so that I can cope better... The love of my friends here holds great power as it has done repeatedly from the start...

Thank you... thank you... thank you!   I love you all so much.
 
[I have become very quiet on FB since the 27th... because my emotions are still in turmoil, but also because I have already received the love and reassurance I needed from my friends and don’t want to or need to still burden them with a constant barrage of my continuing chaotic feelings.  I have just stepped back from my page, until I feel I can cope better again.  Their reassuring love in response to that one letter where I lost it has been enough to keep me going in the meantime for which I am very grateful]
 
[So as briefly as possible, let me share how my life of rollercoaster emotions just never seems to give me a break.]
 
2nd March... Yesterday, 1st March, my son worked his last day in the store my brother sold and today, he was blessed with a day off which he really needed.  We have not been able to shut our front door for a long time, because of the wood swelling due to rain, which caused it to get jammed if we tried to shut it and the inside door handle was as a result loose and breaking off.  Then last night, the lock of the security gate broke, so we were now totally unable to lock our front door and gate, day or night.   I let my handyman neighbour know, assuring him that we had money still saved from Christmas time to pay him.  Without any hesitation, he once again came to our aid after his own long day’s work and refused the R200 I had put aside for him on the kitchen counter.  So, we are gratefully, now able to lock our door again, thanks to the kindness of our dear neighbour.  I feel so touched once again by the goodness that still exists and never fails to show up in my world, no matter what.
  
My daughter visited in the afternoon, so that was also an up on the rollercoaster for me... she helped me to entertain my grandchildren and we just chatted and relaxed...  making the most of her visit and enjoying the moments with her... She is a refreshing oasis of love, hope and goodness in my life.

Only late that evening did we finally find out that my son had a lift to his new place of work the next day.  Although it was a huge burden off of my shoulders, it was too late in the day to settle my mind of the anxieties about the big changes we were about to face and as a result, I hardly slept all night.
 
3rd March... We woke early so that my son could be ready on time for his lift and he was ready at 05h40 and already standing out on the street, believing his lift was arriving at 05h45.  He waited and waited and I even took out some tea for him on the street.  Soon the expected time had passed and we were worrying that his lift forgotten him.  I sent a message to my sister, but I think she was still asleep because it was a long time before she responded.  By about 6am, my son desperately needed the bathroom, so I told him to run quick.  While he was away, my dad and his driver arrived to pick up my son... I tried to tell them that he was in the bathroom, but both seemed irritated and tapped their watches telling me he must hurry as they had others to pick up on the way to work. 
 
On the one morning I needed someone to tell me that everything was going to be ok... some reassurance at least... even a smile and a warm greeting, I was instead left feeling that I had personally disappointed my dad... as though I truly believed that he was cross with ‘me’... that 'I' had done something wrong to upset him...
 
[I could never do anything right as a child living with my mother and stepfather... so once again I was overcome by my inner child’s perceptions and deep/broken feelings and nothing to do with actually disappointing my dad]
 
Having not slept much the night before, I was instantly flung into deep feelings of devastation... not belonging... and even suicidal thoughts once again.  Wanting to withdraw completely from society again... from family...
 
Don’t get too close... every time you do, you get hurt... I don’t want family anymore... it hurts too much to love so much!
 
In an attempt to deal with the burning intensity of my feelings, I noticed that I became very over active... I started cleaning dishes and the house... but going above and beyond... I even went as far as frantically washing the wall light switches.  Eventually I was so exhausted from all the cleaning, sweeping, mopping, etc. and ended up disociating and sleeping a good deal of the day away... I could not concentrate on work.  Gratefully there were very few calls and e-mails and so my work was up to date by the end of the day, but I didn’t find the time or energy to work on the book I was supposed to be working on and so for me, I felt that the day was wasted and knew I’d have to do better tomorrow.
 
So... this is the crazy, rollercoaster life of ‘me’... an adult survivor of child abuse who has to constantly deal with my inner-child’s overwhelming emotions on top of my ‘adult’ emotions and functioning... always trying to distinguish between inner child emotions and my own... trying to make sense of the deep and overwhelming rushes of chaotic emotions... trying to fit them and place them in their correct position in each situation of my life.  Like a detective having to find and piece together all the broken fragments of my past with the fragile fragments of my present... just so that I can understand my own functioning better to be able to cope in a world that always feels as though I’m on the wrong planet and in the wrong body, etc.
 
This is what my abusers have done to my life... and I am the only one who has the power to make any sense of it at all... but it takes work... lots and lots of hard and conscious work... and if I am to survive the frequent downers and constant bombardment of mixed, chaotic, tangled emotions, I need to keep working... there is no rest... there is little peace... and trust in life and others is so warped and messed up... but, I cannot allow myself to become a hermit... I have to keep people in my life if I want to heal.  I have to allow love to come to me, even when I start to feel again that there is none in this world for me.  It’s all such a conundrum... I am a conundrum... I sometimes wonder how I even live with myself, leave lone expect anyone else in the world to ‘bear me’!  I sometimes start to believe that I would be doing everyone a favour if I no longer existed in 'their' world.
 
It’s not my brother’s fault because he sold the shop... that I have “lost it” over the last few days... he had just made a wise business decision that he must have felt needed to be made for the sake of his own business and family, so I am not angry with him... and my 85 year old dad is not to blame for my reaction to his irritation this morning... he didn’t know how long my son had already been standing outside waiting for him and I understand that he is also greatly disturbed by the move and changes and will also need time to adjust to it all...

But because of how it was done and because it is so hard for others to understand my mind-set as a result of child abuse, or predict my reactions to certain situations, my sense of belonging is often easily shattered and this is just how my life is...

Please stop child abuse... I know I’m not the only one who struggles so much in the real world!
 
Some interesting information on adult survivors of child abuse that I felt to share with my readers:

Changing the information processing ©
Children who are subject to chronic abuse are forced to train focus away from language and verbal content toward non-verbal, danger related cues such as body language, tone of voice, facial expressions and so forth.  This type of processing facilitates a quick response to danger, but occurs at the expense of abstract reasoning and the use of language and ideas.  Such children are hyper vigilant and are often misdiagnosed as having Attention deficit disorder (Naparstek 2006:85) from the theses of (Wade 2009:163)
 
Unexpected gains ©
The changes of information processing and loss of focus seems to be linked with dissociation.  When people dissociate, their ability to think clearly, see escape routes, solve problems or stay grounded is lost.  Constriction of attention, withdrawal and detachment are the essence of dissociation, which enables one to cope with the fear and pain associated with the trauma.
 
One of the benefits of this manner of coping may be the emergence of heightened intuition.  Some survivors develop their intuitive abilities to help others.  Some seem exquisitely sensitive to what other people are feeling or experiencing.  Some express themselves in a variety of creative ways such as art, music drama or psychic phenomena (Naparstek 2006:163) from the theses of (Wade 2009:163)

~ Thank you for reading all this... I hope it makes a difference for the sake of others like me... Pana

Shared: 1st March 2016
 
I wish someone had have told me this 40+/- years ago before marrying two cruel abusers and being affected by other abusers along the way, one after the other, and even since before I was born, where my mother tried to abort me but failed... (of which I, to this day, believe that I still have some subconscious recollection of that desperate intrauterine struggle for my very life... of already not being wanted... of not belonging... even before I was born).
 
I truly struggle today, to “believe that true love from most and especially from man, still exists for me in this world” and more so as an adult survivor of child abuse who has known many other abuses throughout my life... and so, I don't even think about that "someone else" who might still exist for me anymore. Been there done that!
 
My Cinderella dreams live on... but only in my head and the movies!
 
I do believe though that there is someone wonderful out there for everyone... I just gave up on hoping that there was someone out there for me... I would never be able to take that chance again... been too hurt far too many times and for too long already!

But, I hope you find or have found your someone wonderful! They do exist of that I am certain <3
 
Give LOVE a chance...
 
But as for me... I will continue to LOVE ALL with my heart as far as humanly possible, and expect nothing in return anymore... that’s how it has been all of my life, and for me, I have discovered that the giving of my love is enough to sustain me in a sense of receiving love from the world in the whole process of the giving of my love.
 
I am also truly grateful for the genuinely loving arms of my grandchildren and those other snippets of true love that touch my life here and there through family, friends, church community, my work with the public, students and my colleagues in the field of Logotherapy, including all those who come to me for help and guidance.  I also cherish the love that comes to me and touches my life through strangers who I have never met, including some dear far-away friends I have made on Facebook... Facebook has become my daily refuge from the storms of life where I go to recharge through the love I receive from the friends I have made there.  From inside this "bubble" of mine, their love is real.
 
Those precious snippets of love can arrive from “Life” when least expected and in the most unpredictable of ways... and they can disappear equally as quickly, mostly never to return.
 
Today I take what portion of true love still comes to me from “Life” and cherish it in the moment in which it is given and hold onto it in my heart of hearts for as long as possible, as a reassurance and reminder that True and Unconditional Love still exists in this world... and in the "Heaven" I believe in, True Love will someday be mine Eternal... never to be denied or taken from me again as I have experienced repeatedly in this world.
 
This is my strength, responsibility and reason to go on against all the odds of this life which is mine.
 
~ Pana
 
(Dear reader... if you identify in anyway with what I have shared, please let me know by writing to me on my contact page.  Your writing there will come to my private e-mail address only and will not be made public [would remain confidential] unless we both decide and agreed in writing to share our communications because we felt that they would be helpful to others who might share our experience in any way.  I would always ask permission to share first)