​Conversation edited and shortened where possible
 
FEB 19, 2020, I WROTE TO MY MENTOR
…. I've been taking advantage of a quiet spell and started studying my "Sacred Dying Doula" course (module 1 of three) since yesterday…
 
MY MENTOR RESPONDED
… What is the course that you are doing?
 
PANAYIOTA
I mentioned it to you before.  A Sacred Dying Doula course... Someone who sits with the dying person and assists them through their last days/hours and also assists and counsels with family, friends, etc. where needed.  I've sat with many a dying person and found it to be one of the most spiritual of experiences for my soul, so it's wonderful to find a course where I can at least learn a bit more than I have already learnt naturally, and maybe be there in a more confident and proficient capacity for the dying person, and their family and friends in the future.  I don't intend on leaving my current work to pursue this... I don't think I'm ever going to be brave enough to go out of my way to use anything, not even my logotherapy skills, to make money, but, I want to be known as someone who will be there (a friend in need), ready, willing and able when a friend or family member is dying.  Maybe I am preparing myself for my dad's passing.  I don't know.  I'm just grateful for the opportunity of this course opening up at this time, for me to study up on.
 
 
I then took the opportunity to speak to my mentor about finding someone to talk to about something that had been weighing me down greatly of late:
 
I need to talk to somebody about my stepfather... I know you are very busy, so I've just kept quiet until now, but it's not going away.
 
Do you think I should chat with Batya or someone else you can think of who could just help my mind to settle after finding out he's in Johannesburg in an old age home with Alzheimer’s?  Maybe Marylyn.
 
I'm trying to block it all out, but it's niggling at me, because I feel that my inner child needs justice and just because he has Alzheimer’s, does that mean I just forget about it... LET IT GO!  I've hated those words for so long now!
 
I certainly don't want vengeance... but why should he get away with what he did just because he has Alzheimer’s?  All children should be acknowledged HEARD and protected... even inner children if there is to be any real healing.  And is it possible he did the same to other children somewhere out there... ? 
 
BUT THEN, the TERRIBLE FEAR of doing anything at all... And so I'm left in limbo... like I'm lost in that desert place again... no way out... (studying this course is keeping my mind on something else). I have thought about finding out exactly where he is, and going with someone stronger than my extremely frightened inner child to confront him, but I wouldn't want the nursing staff there to know.  My purpose wouldn't be for him to live in hell while he was still here; that's God's work to decide his punishment for anything he did in his past.  Only God knows his full story and the whys and wherefores of his cruel behaviours...
 
But what about MY healing... BUT FAR TOO AFRAID... I feel flashback reactions coming on if I allow myself to even think momentarily about a confrontation really happening... so I BLOCK IT OUT INSTANTLY...
 
Doing NOTHING goes against everything I believe in as far as protecting children goes and fighting for the rights of the abused.  Doing nothing means that everything I write about… everything I do regarding opening my life up so publicly in order to speak about the lifelong debilitating effects of child abuse and my deliberate efforts and personal fight for healing, is a SHAM!  I'M A SHAM!
 
But doing something seems impossible... TOO MUCH FEAR!  No answers... this one is too hard!
 
MENTOR
Dearest Pan,
 
Frankl talked about turning a horrible and very adverse situation, like the one your terrible stepfather imposed on you, into a personal victory.  It did not have any vengeance or hostile counter-action against the perpetrators about it.  Why?  Because it would lower the injured person to the level of the perpetrator.  "Come out from among them, touch not the unclean thing" Hashem (God) says to us in Isaiah 52.  Hashem also states:  "Vengeance is mine." 
 
Remember the story of Dinah in the camps?  She came across a drunken Nazi who lay passed out on the ground.  Next to him was his gun.  They were completely alone.  There was no-one else around.  She could easily have taken the gun and shot him.  She didn't.  Why?  She realized, just as Frankl did when, after their liberation they were walking through a field of flowers and one of them was stomping and trampling the flowers under foot.  He was venting his anger, his need for revenge.  What did Frankl say to him?  "If you want to wreak vengeance, you are no better than the perpetrators." 
 
What did Frankl mean with a personal victory over adversity?  It was more than a spiritual or self-transcendent stand.  It was the kind of stand voiced by Nelson Mandela upon his release.  He said that he realized that if he did not leave his bitterness behind him, he would still be in prison.  But does this mean that they would do nothing about the injustice they suffered?  No! They became extremely active in taking a stand against the wrong.  How?  By doing the right, by fighting the causes of meaninglessness in the case of Frankl, and the causes of injustice in the case of Mandela. 
 
Your triumph over the evil done to you by your evil stepfather is to stand up for the sexually abused; in telling your story; in advocating the right of children to be protected from abuse; to expose the horrific effects of such abuse on the person of the abused; in becoming active in helping people out of the kind of misery which you have suffered.  This is how good triumphs over evil.  Promoting the good, is exposing the evil and the horror of eternal judgement and alienation from society such evildoers bring down on their own heads. 
 
We have the responsibility to expose the evildoing of the wicked but we do not fight them ourselves.  There are institutions in any law-abiding society that will bring such people to book; that will bring them to justice in prosecuting them and jailing them.  This is not the individual's role.  We are not to take the Law into our own hands.  Here in Israel a war may be declared in the defense against those who plot our downfall and kill our people at random and without mercy.  But even here, moral standards of war prevail.  We do not, in response, seek only to kill and obliterate our enemies.  We only take a defensive stand in protection our own. 
 
If your stepfather was in a position to abuse your children, then you would stand up against him, report his actions, have him brought to book.  What can you do now? 
 
If there is some action you can take to expose and confront him, then do so.  Maybe, yes, to go and tell him to his face that you have survived all that he has done to you but without a trace of vengeance or bitter hostility.  Your hatred of him is pure.  It will be a triumphant statement of fact.  Remember the story of Eva Weiss, how she vowed to return to Auschwitz in having survived it?  Her triumph is standing in the gas chamber was to say to those who have inflicted such horror upon her and her people:  "You were not able to destroy my humanity!"
 
Your frustration, and our frustration here in Israel, is that evildoers are getting away with murder, that they are not exposed and brought to book.  It is a challenge of faith and dignity.  Faith in the truth that evildoers will be defeated in their conniving and ugly aims and behavior and destroy themselves.  Their deaths would be the end of the matter for them.  And we, who have survived their gross indecency?  We will pass through; our deaths would swallow their doings in sublime victory.  How? in our confrontational stands yes, but even more particularly, in our devotion to ease the suffering of others and in becoming the opposite of the kind of people such evildoers became.  We will be triumphant and exemplary human beings.  We would have supreme dignity!
 
What am I saying to you, Pan?  You must figure that out for yourself.  If your sense of dignity dictates that you should go and personally confront him, then yes, do it.  But the far greater and more glorious challenge is to grow more and more courageous in making your voice heard and making your actions confirm that you are defiantly there for others in liberating them from the bondages that so cruelly held you captive for so long!
 
I love and respect you,
Teria
 
PANAYIOTA
Once again, I am completely overwhelmed to tears by your incredible response...
 
No matter what BUTS I come up with, your letter causes them to tumble...
 
(But... What about the other children he might have abused?  Don't they need someone to stand up for them... to be there for them... to love them and show them that they are not alone and that healing is possible? It's them that I'm grieving for and wanting to stand up for... and Patricia, who was the one he affected most... but Patty too... SO MUCH FEAR because of what he did to Patricia in her presence also)
 
Your letter says to me... Keep reaching out into the WHOLE WORLD for the sake of ALL THE OTHER CHILDREN who have been affected by their abuser... their predator... My frustration of will to FIX WHAT WAS DONE TO ME, does not have to be centered on a single target... there's a WHOLE WORLD of sufferers out there who I could reach if I remove my narrow focus. 
 
There's no way I could confront him, FAR TOO MUCH RAW FEAR!  Just the slightest thought of doing so causes me to physically feel the tipping of my mind into a dangerous area that is (like broken glass), TOO SHARP for me to touch on alone and without REAL HELP!  I truly believe that I'd end up in a nut-house if I allowed myself to get anywhere near him... so, that option has to be outed no matter how much it might have helped me if it was possible.  My past therapist might have been able to get me to that point and accompanied me... but she can never be trusted ever again... so that door is forever closed.
 
I must emphasise very clearly that in NO WAY am I feeling bitter or hate towards him.  I cannot explain why... it's more of an empty nothingness... a complete blockage.  But in allowing short intrusive thoughts of meeting him, the fear becomes too HUGE to allow, so I BLOCK him again.  Not even in my daydream world was there any hate... I was completely submissive to his cruelty and control even there.  So, vengeance and bitter hate has to be ruled out as a motive... IT DOES NOT EXIST IN ME! 
 
Sometimes I have thought that HATING would make it easier for me, but I can't.  My therapist tried to get me to hit a pillow or shout at my abuser in role play... I could not do it at all. All retaliation and anger was beaten out of me as a child.  I was not allowed to show it in the least degree and therefore still struggle with getting my emotions anywhere close to it. 
 
The only kind of anger I am ever able to feel and show is PROTECTIVE ANGER (because as a child I was unable to protect myself or my little sister... I could only LOVE her)... I don't seem to have a lot of control over the protective anger which can make me react completely out of character, and it causes me more trouble and losses than it's worth (I’m working on this).
 
MY TRUE MOTIVES for confronting my stepfather or exposing his name, would NOT be for him to suffer... that's Hashem's work, but I believe, my motives would first be to reach out and protect those others he might have affected, and also, to somehow find a way to take away HIS AWFUL POWER over me that has caused such DEEP AND LASTING RAW FEAR to continue to control so many aspects of my life... even the aspect of being so OVER PROTECTIVE towards the people and things that I LOVE and BELIEVE IN... to the point of it constantly ruining my relationships and progress...
 
If it were possible to stand in front of him and tell him that I remembered, and how much it has adversely affected my life, I believe that I would find healing in that... BUT IT'S NOT POSSIBLE.. I know that already.
 
So, the words of your letter truly are my only way out of this dark place... THE FEARS MIGHT NEVER LEAVE ME, but I still have the option of learning and understanding more, and working on my more negative behaviours in an effort towards my healing, and I still have the option of making something good from my past for the sake of others, and there is still the real possibility that in the process of working on my own Life's purpose, I will continue to find my own healing and in the process, help many others... even to show perpetrators of such awful offences, how destructive, the devastating life-long results of their awful work can be on their victims. 
 
If my work could stop perpetrators of child abuse from doing what they do, and thus save even more children from THIS LONG-LASTING TORTURE... then my life truly would have been worth living.
 
I am so grateful for your time and love in responding to my letter Teria and for your profound wisdom that always brings much needed healing and rational answers.
 
Forever grateful and also with much respect for you,
 
MENTOR
You have indeed sorted out the picture for yourself.  And your answer is therefore the right one.  Let him be buried in that emptiness where no response of whatever kind towards him is possible.  And yes, the road is forward, not back.  The ahead is away from him and all he stands for.  And the signposts ahead are indeed in the direction of reaching out to those who have or are suffering like you have and to bring to the confrontational awareness of perpetrators just how evil their actions are - what devastation it sows in the tender hearts of the innocent.  The more you valiantly reach out, the more ground in terms of healing - leaving that past far behind you - you will gain.
 
PANAYIOTA
 
You are too lovely dear Teria, Thank you so much!
 
I love you dearly.
 
 
ONCE AGAIN, MY MENTOR’S WORDS DID IT.
Her wisdom shared, being so healing to my very core.  Just like that, I was able to dissolve the dilemma that seemed so overwhelming and unsolvable.  Just like that I can now go on.  It seems to me that there is such a thing as closure… this must be it for me, because the soothing and meaningful responsibility for my future seems greater now than the messed up, upside down, jagged cutting-edged memories of my past.
 
(I could literally feel Patricia’s wall tumble for the first time in my life… like she has somehow been set free or partially set free of her entrapment there at last.  I’m not sure if she'll know what to do now without her wall and I guess time will tell.  I will speak more about Patricia’s awful wall in my book which I hope to finish soon)

FIXED GAZE
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Broken inner child of her
Sits alone – dark dungeon – lost within
Wishing to be free
Stronger, braver, happier perhaps.
In her deep subconscious
An adult-self can be seen
But cannot yet be reached as equals
To be united (healed) as one
Their two worlds remain divided
By an impenetrable tear-soaked screen
Drenched in the constant, bleeding pain
Aching, unquenchable longings
Still reaching for what never was
But should have been hers
Reaching out of a horrible past – conveniently forgotten!
Still haunting – Splitting reality!  Exploding cells! 
Into a million swirling puzzle pieces
Rusted iron shards, which cannot connect?
that bump and grind and rip apart!
Her already broken, blood soaked heart
Chaos, confusion
Drifting wood on a windless sea
Trapped for all eternity
Yet she fixes her gaze on possibility
On a distant hope so blurred to view
A dream she holds on tightly too
Behind what can’t yet be seen
But it is her dream – it is her dream!
And somehow, she still believes
Dreams do come true
 
~ Panayiota
(27th September 2014)
 
The divide between my inner child and my adult-self seems to be narrowing more these days.  The integration of each part of my self is becoming more and more possible… each part beginning to work together with the other. 
 
Healing from child abuse is a REAL possibility… even if only a little healing at a time… even if the journey is never completed… each bit achieved is worth all the hard, consistent work, and makes it a little easier to bear all the painful losses that come as a result of speaking out and setting boundaries to help myself get to that place I was always meant to reach.
 
I cannot give up my quest for that place… it calls to me with the most gentle and welcoming voice. I’ve come too far to give up now! 
 
OUR BEAUTIFUL SONG
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I live in three worlds that clash and divide
With chasms and rock falls on every side
Where storms come and go leaving chaos and mud
And absolute devastation in each suffocating flood
 
A frightened little girl weeps in a broken heap
Holding her knees as she tries to sleep
The weight of her tears presses her down
And all the while, she fears she might drown
 
An angry adolescent lashes out at each threat
Bent on defeating the troubles she’s met
And all the while a screaming-wind blows
Painfully returning all that she throws
 
An adult is left confused and alone
Wondering if she’ll ever find her way home
And no one can reach her, or find their way in
They can’t understand where the others have been
 
And so, the war rages, inside and out
Leaving her wondering what “Life’s” all about
But deep down she knows that no matter how bad
No matter how hard, and no matter how sad
 
She does have a purpose and has to go on
For her life has been blessed by a beautiful song
She hears the tune faintly, but its meaning is clear
Her spirit is awakened in just knowing it’s there
 
She believes that one day her music will play loud
With chorusing angels atop every cloud.
So, she’ll never give up... she’ll never give in
There’s coming a day when she will hear her voice sing.
 
While the little girl will remember how to laugh and play
And the adolescent will find peace at last on that day.
And all three will embrace united as one,
Joining together in their beautiful song.
 
~ Panayiota
 
 
“And all the while a screaming-winds blow
Painfully returning all that she throws”
 
 
Just this last week, a past friend to my heart whom I’d lost in 2017, made it very clear that she would never make right on what she’d done then, that had caused me to lose her friendship in my life, and that she resented and rejected me still for speaking out about it. 
 
The strange thing is, that here I sit mourning her loss still as with many I’d lost before, but it is THEY that seem to be bitter… not me.  I ache for them and even cry for them at times… for things to be the same as when it was good between us. But they don’t seem to miss me at all.  They seem to still remain resentful of my questioning their loyalty, or of my choosing to speak out on behalf of a beloved friend who I felt was being bullied and abused by them.  Their reactions to my speaking out has curse my name and my reputation in order to save their own and I am the one left looking BAD.  My mother always left me feeling BAD for things I should never have had to feel bad for. 
 
Once I have loved, I always love, and so, every loss feels like a death to me and for each one, the mourning inside of me goes on and on relentlessly.  If only they could feel my sadness and longing for their friendship the way it used to be… the sleepless nights that their absence has caused… would they only then understand and make it all right again?  HUMPH!  Or… would they just be glad that I am suffering for what used to be between us and no longer is…
 
I think that what’s hard for anyone to understand, is that I function emotionally on three completely different levels.  If I learn to love a person on the level of my inner child Patty for instance, as I believe it was with the losses of 2017, then it is that part of my self that grieves their loss…  (The one did something really important for my life that I still benefit from today, while the other had horses and the most beautiful and relaxing place to visit…).  My inner child loved them both very much… It is her crying I often still faintly hear in the dark corridors of my past… it is her feelings that cause my tears…
 
How can anyone understand and respond to that?  It just is what it is…
 
Is there anyone in the world who can possibly understand what I’m sharing right now?  I think of Dr Nadine Burk Harris who wrote, The Deepest Well… I know she’s a very busy woman, and I know she deals only with children and their families… or I believe so… I wish I could talk to her.  I believe she would understand all the stuff I write about… she would be able to affirm my thoughts and feelings… my writings… I wish with all my heart that I could talk to her…

​Anyway… some really GOOD news.   
On Friday 21st, midday, I submitted my two assignments for module one of the Sacred Dying Doula course.  I was very worried, because I really struggled with the 2nd assignment questions.  But guess what… I passed with flying colours and 100%.  I could not believe it… very surprises, but also VERY, VERY HAPPY AND GRATEFUL! 

I’ve already paid for module 2 and received it via email.  I cannot wait for time to get started on that one.  I hope time will allow.  There are only three modules and if all goes well, my dream of becoming a Sacred Dying Doula will at last come true and another reason for my being would have been fulfilled.  I will put my all into this study and pray I continue to do well.
 
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~ Panayiota

I had the lovely privilege of attending the most beautifully done funeral service of the partner of my dear friend Mary-Anne this last week... cried when her lovely granddaughter, Courtney, sang, "Jealous of the Angels"... had to be the most beautiful version of the song I have ever heard... I was deeply touched by that. And then my son and I spent another special day visiting with Mary-Anne on Sunday.

Henry was the wonderful man who, with some assistance from Mary-Anne's dear old dad, made my most treasured little fairy house in 2016, to help me fulfill one of my most longed for childhood dreams.

(A person never really gets over the things they longed for as a child, so it's good to make all dreams come true whenever possible, even in adulthood... why not! I still have one more BIG childhood dreams to fulfill, and that, being for a REAL microscope... but that's a TOO expensive one for now... maybe one day when I'm rich and famous I can make that one come true.  I had a good microscope when I was a little girl.  It had been given to me by one of my mother's boyfriends.  I loved that microscope so much and used to escape into its "MAGIC WORLD" so often... I would love to share that wonderful magic with my grandchildren today)

Anyway, I can't even begin to tell you how much "Patty", my inner child, danced with joy when I received that incredible fairy house gift from Mary-Anne when she visited. It was the sweetest thing ever with real pebble stone walls.  It had a wooden door that opened and had two little windows and a light that could be turned on inside... it looked so beautiful at night with the light shining through the windows onto the beautiful garden scene. It even had four little fairies that had wings that flapped when I pushed a button.

What more could any little girl ask for! I LOVED IT SO MUCH and that HAPPY memory is forever with me now.

My childhood dream had come true... And THEN, the little girl next door saw it and really, really wanted it, and I wanted her to know the joy of her little fairy house dream also coming true without having to wait as long as I did, so I let her take it and I was completely okay with that.

OH JOY!!!

So... a few months ago, I registered for a Sacred Dying Doula course and paid for the first module, but I had done no study yet.  After this last week with saying goodbye to Henry and spending time with my dear friend Mary-Anne, I have been totally inspired to begin my study at last. I printed out the study manual yesterday morning, and with it being quiet at work right now, even though we have just launched our first new online Logotherapy course (Logotherapy for Optimal Living) and learning platform (www.vfisa.co.za), I began my Doula study yesterday. I'm on page 16 of the manual and feel fired up to keep going. I'll keep you all updated on that one.  Having sat with many a dying person, having the absolute privilege of assisting them to cross over to the other side of the veil, and experiencing that as a sacred honour, I wish to continue this work that is so beautiful to my soul.

Rest in Peace dear kind Henry. Thank you for my beautiful fairy house. I love you for doing that for Patty!  It was a most healing gift of love that filled a certain hole in my soul.

With gratitude ~ Panayiota

This says it all for me...

Oh how I long for, and thrive in this kind of love which is so rare, yet so healing, strengthening, wonderfully life-giving and life-sustaining whenever it is given freely to me, and without question.

For an adult survivor of child abuse, this kind of love replaces what was missed out on during childhood. It's the only kind of love that seems to matter at all... the kind of love that CANNOT be pushed out or chased away.

The kind of love where nothing I seem to do or say in my moments of craziness and/or weakness or even SPEAKING MY TRUTH OUT AUTHENTICALLY, or when setting boundaries (often to protect not only myself, but my friendship with another), can chase the other person's love away from me... they seem to understand regardless and are always there... THEY STAY... THEY STICK... THEY ENDURE STEADFASTLY.

FAITHFUL FRIENDS... ANGELS IN DISGUISE.

I have always had such healing angels in my life and just want to say a truly sincere and humble... THANK YOU to them.

The ones who GO AWAY... or whom I succeed in pushing away, always leave behind a HUGE HOLE IN MY SOUL.

Once I have loved... my LOVE ALWAYS REMAINS... so even when the one I loved so much stops loving me or turns their back... regardless of if it was my fault or theirs, I am still left FOREVER HURTING WITHOUT THEM and wishing for it to be the way it was before it all went so horribly wrong.

It is what it is... and I have learned somehow, to just keep going on regardless of the constant reminders of what either was and wasn't when I was a child and so often still is... or what could have been and now is...

MY SEEMINGLY ETERNALLY CONFLICTING REALITY.

Thank you for sharing with me.

~ Panayiota

​On January 30, in a extreme turmoil of mind, I wrote on Facebook:
 
I'm so, so angry right now! My first abusive ex who was a total sex-perverted-maniac who couldn't get enough anywhere, has just tried to Friend me on FB!!! What the ****! (Heaven forgive me for what is going through my head right now) The pervert got married to his stepdaughter from another of his many relationships!!!  I’m not sure if he was ever married to that woman, but he was with her a while back and it seems he's still playing the same games as always!!! I'm NOT amused!!! Just because he's ‘chommies’ with my other daughter-in-law (divorced from my son), and a friend on her FB page, doesn't mean he can now be ‘chommies’ with me also!!!! I have BLOCKED him and will no longer be able to comment on her page again, so that he doesn't need to see me there at all!!! GOOD GRIEF!!! THREE OF MY PAST ABUSERS COME BACK TO HAUNT ME IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS... WHAT THE **** IS GOING ON!!!!!!
 
My wonderful friends on Facebook as usual, were very helpful in getting me through the initial horror and disgust that I was experiencing. 
 
Some of the conversation included below:
 
Vee: Oh, my friend, that is disgusting!!! Block the rubbish, that way he won't be able to see you anywhere, not even on your daughter-in-law's or anyone's page.
 
Panayiota: Oh, are you serious... I can still write on her page if he's blocked? I hope so, because I've been avoiding her page as it is because he's there. It makes me really uncomfortable that anyone I know and love has anything to do with him, but I have no say in what others want to do and who they want to be friends with.
 
Vee:  Yes, if you've blocked him, you don't exist to him on FB. He cannot see you on any page.
 
Brie:  I might over step here... But what if it’s part of your healing process to bring closure, and control on your end. You may now have the confidence that you weren’t ready for to be able to attack it head on and control the narrative with your past abusers. They had the control for so very long and now you took control back and in turn have closure. I'm proud of you Auntie. You are one of the strongest people I know. I hope this didn’t overstep. Love you! ❤❤❤❤
 
Panayiota Ryall: There's very little you could do to overstep my dear Brie... I love you too much for that to be possible. Thank you for your tender loving care.
 
In the last two weeks I had to also put up with what felt just like more abuse... what I have come to understand as being called gas-lighting, so I've just had enough right now, but still pretty much in control and better than I would have been just two years ago. I've come so far and I'm even proud of me, so I thank you very much for that. The other person, I tried to set my boundaries with and asked them to please not to call me anymore, (which I have asked them repeatedly before, but this time tried to explain to them why) because their calls always leave me feeling like a total idiot, because they always seem to be so frantic for instant answers and gratification, which unfortunately I am unable to give them... Most people and even the caller KNOWS, or should by now, that I don't do well with answering questions face to face or over the phone... I go blank and stammer over words, etc. That's why I ask and have asked this person many times, to rather e-mail me, so that I have time to ‘think’ the answers for them… I can’t understand why they are not getting the message… I am just not taking it anymore and was really kind about it when I asked them and even gave them someone else's contact details as an alternate contact for them to deal with. But they just could not accept that I dared to set boundaries with them, and they then made such a big deal out of it, firstly doing exactly what my mother would have done... THE BIG GILT TRIP... turning the whole thing on me, but so cleverly, telling me how much they believed in me (to have the answers for them?).  They then even tried to push for answers to how I dared to try and set boundaries with them.  I chose not to go there with them and cut the whole conversation short… I had already answered in the best and most peaceful way I could (conversations saved), but it was still not enough for them.  If I had not experienced this before… (I'd lived with my mother most of my growing up years), they would have succeeded in making me believe that I was to blame in the end... and unfortunately for me, if this person follows through as my mother would have, they will be like dog with a bone and will WIN... they always, always win... they will go and tell others and bring me down so cleverly... just like the other one did in 2017... and the others WILL believe them, just like then too... so I've already lost... (because I’m the nut-job… so who will ever believe a nut-job… even my therapist got away with what she did for the same judgmental reason!!!) and you know what, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!
 
The only people I want in my life are those who KNOW that I do not lie and those who believe in me... so I am prepared for WHATEVER... a person can only take so much of any form of attack, negative judgement, games and abuse! So, it's been a doozie two weeks of note! But... I got three workers in today to help me get more order and more space in my home, etc. I needed the distraction of their company and I needed the help... and when there's order in my surroundings, it helps to put things in my head in order too, so I'm feeling much better right now, thankfully. Sorry Brie, I got carried away responding to you. I love you so much <3 <3 <3
(I needed someone to hear me… someone whom I still believe, believes in me)

​Panayiota:  A dear friend sent this to me a while back and it meant so much to me. She understands that I never mean harm when I set boundaries and I honestly do it with a sense of love, because I DON’T want to lose the person whom I'm setting boundaries with… but inevitably... I lose them, because they don’t seem to be able to understand where I was coming from. But I have one friend in particular and some other treasured friends & family, (the rare and the beautiful) who never gives up on me no matter what and I pray that at least our relationship stays that way forever.

​Brie:  I'm so sorry you have had to deal with this. Love you so much! ❤
 
Panayiota: What came out of it for me is that I am definitely stronger than I used to be. I can carry on functioning reasonably well even when I'm dealing with stuff like this... that would never have happened in my past. (every little life-hiccough would have devastated and re-broken me) Logotherapy has helped me immensely and I have so much to be grateful for, but especially for the love of family (most of my Logotherapy family included) and friends who still believe in me no matter what ❤
 
Some other responses to my initial post re: my 1st abusive ex-husband!
 
Jukka: How terrible. I'm angry together with you! Stay strong Dear friend!
 
Antoinette:  I think you are given a chance here to show off how much you have grown and how you have thrived despite their attempts to destroy you. Don't allow this person to rob you of any freedom anymore. You have conquered his abuse now conquer the fear of his power over you... It no longer exists.
 
I P:  So sorry to hear! Not a good thing. Sending you big hugs and love!
 
B S:  Good for you for blocking him, love you… Sometimes D and I feel like we are the only ones who think it’s not ok to marry your stepdaughter that you raised. I think it’s disgusting
 
I P: (B S), I am with you there!
 
Panayiota: Yes, totally disgusting! But that's him to a T. He's probably still sleeping around with everything! How dare him try to reconnect with me again. Last time he did this, he must have somehow heard I was getting divorced from no 2 and somehow gotten my phone number and called me... he made some very suggestive remarks on the phone before I told him not to call me again and put the phone down on him... his intentions were quite obvious! As you know he used to beat the living daylights out of me regularly and put me in hospital twice with the extent of the bruising that the beatings caused... I was forced-raped repeatedly, even in the marriage and once after also when he visited to sign the guardianship of the children over to me so that he wouldn’t have to pay maintenance anymore.  I became an alcoholic in my 20's, just to bear the agony of living without his TRUE love. He read dirty books and experimented on me... (it was as if I'd married a replica of both my own abusive mother and stepfather!) He also regularly brought home diseases that I had to go to hospital and even have operations for!!! How dare the filthy pervert try to friend me on FB!!! I feel disgusted even at the sight of his name. No... I can no longer go to my other daughter in law's page (divorced from my oldest son, but I still love and care about her)... it hurts me to know that he is connected on her page... I can't go there anymore... she must know and believe that I still love her and that just has to be enough for now… And besides that, he has fathered children all over and never paid maintenance for mine, so I'm quite sure he managed to avoid paying for the others too. I sometimes wonder what happened to the one daughter I once met... how she's doing, etc. I wish I could meet all the children and tell them something kind to give their lives more love and hope... I know what it was like living apart from my father, but at least I was able to see mine on school holidays which was something wonderful, healing and strengthening for my life. ❤
 
B S: he is a piece of work. So happy to have you in my life.
 
Panayiota: It means the world to me to know that dear B, because I'm so grateful and so happy to have you and D in my life still also... you are a huge part of my healing from my past, because you were the good there and the good here still to this day. Thank you so much ❤ I love you dearly ❤
 
D S:  love you too 💞
 
My daughter in law who I mentioned above wrote:  I accepted him as I don’t judge I am friends with his side of the family. I am sorry. Try stay calm and just remember no one has power over you but you. I love you
 
At that very instant when her message came in, our lights went off due to load shedding, and as a result, I was left only with this last message which disturbed me greatly, and did not see the next message until a day later.  I didn’t want to go back to that post after reading her message above.  So many responses passed through my head, but none would have meant anything if I didn’t have the same kind of love and loyalty from my daughter in law as I imagined I had for her, and so it hurt too much and I had no intention of responding or going back to that post!
 
Eventually, I noticed from the Notification list, that other people had responded, so I had to go back to the post eventually and that’s when I found the message I had missed from my daughter in law, after the load shedding switched my lights out!  She had written straight after the first message she wrote:
 
“I will unfriend him right now :)”
 
I responded
Panayiota: My …, I wish I could have seen this one yesterday before the electricity went out and it was out again this morning and I felt so hurt that anyone who I loved could be associated with one of my abusers. I'm so sorry, but I really struggle with this, especially as it had the potential to pull us apart and that thought was killing my soul. I've had such depression and didn't want to come back here as a result. But you've set it all right again and proved your love and loyalty in this one line and for that my …, you have touched my heart so deeply and taken down the walls I'd already set up to protect it. I don't have a problem with you being friends with his other connections... but it would still make it hard for me to comment too much on your page, in case he just sees me through them, so I pray you will understand that and just know that I truly do love you and never want to lose you in my life. I will check in on your page from time to time, just to feel you close and see what's up... so know I will be doing that still. I love you ❤… So now you went and made me cry, because I feel overwhelmed with gratitude for your love being so great that you'd actually do this to help me cope with my situation. It means so much to me …  ❤ You have no idea. I hope you will come soon for the children's clothes, so I can hug you ❤
 
She responded: We will visit soon. He is not my phone anymore. He is gone. I'm sorry you felt all of this
 
2 February, 2020 – my mind was on fire.  Just too many hits over the last two weeks.  I could not sleep!  Lay there with my eyes wide open.  When I tried to shut them, I felt frightened… safer to leave them open… (Flashbacks to the abusers of my past threatening my sleep… it was safer to stay awake… that way they could not sneak up on me and frighten my sleep)… feeling really sick and shacky with the tiredness… I finally sat up… load shedding had stollen our light since 8pm, so that was also messing with my head… My sense of security switched off with the electricity… someone else was in control and they had power to do that… someone else had power over me… I felt like I was going to lose it. 
 
What amazed me in all of this when I thought about it afterwards, was that I KNEW that next to my bed was the sleeping tablets and my Rescue calming tablets, but it was as if I was stuck… I could not reach out for them.  I could not allow anything to dull my senses… I was on HIGH ALERT… I needed to be awake when the monsters came for me! 
 
When I say that my mind feels like it’s on fire, I can only explain it as if the house is on fire and everyone is screaming and running around and there is great panic and the fire brigade has arrived and there’s so much confusion, but the fire isn’t being put out… I feel detached in a way… fighting my way out of the dense smoke (fog) and flames, can’t breathe properly, yet, not actually burning… it’s so hard to explain…
 
And the worst of it was days and days of “the earworm” thing again… this time: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtCxSSaLTKU&fbclid=IwAR1oF4YGhD6QB7PpNwwlt8uggikghyKT9DakU5lnYwU8hWO-lbN3JevWIf4
 
I have decided I want this song sung at my funeral. But much slower than the Tabernacle Choir sings it here.  It was going too fast in my head too… for days… still going too fast in my head… I wish I could stop it or slow it down in my head!!!  
 
Still, I want to learn this song and sing it… maybe with my granddaughter/s one day… Patty still has that dream of singing with her little friends… maybe trying to recapture that “something good” from my childhood… that I used to love singing back then and was told I had a beautiful voice. (I was good for something… not a totally worthless child) My grandchildren have such beautiful singing voices too ❤ Oh how I love to hear them sing… nothing more beautiful to me.
 
Using the inverter to get my computer and modem going and feeling a need for the protection of connection again, I got up from my bed and wrote on Facebook
 
“Wide awake! Oh well... I may as well find something to do then!”
 
Later at 01h24, now the 3rd of February, but still the same night, I added 
 
I'm still wide awake and had some nagging anxiety for two days now! 😨
 
Load shedding since 8pm... it's now 01h24... the lights came on just before 1am. Maybe I should switch them off now and see if I can fall asleep.
 
Had a sinusy sore, throat and itchy ears since I woke yesterday morning. Could be a throat infection, but I'm thinking I'm allergic to the mozzie repellent linen spray Andrew bought for me... "Anti-Mozzie spray"... and anyway, it seriously doesn't work... the pesky mozzies were still bugging me even through I'd sprayed areas of my pillows and bedding with it and the smell was killing me... LOL!
 
Anyway, my throat still feels swollen, scratchy and sore... I won't be using that stuff again!!! Andrew has also been coughing a lot in the mornings... I'm sure it's the mozzie spray! I do not recommend it!
 
(inserted here, 5th Feb… now I wonder.  I used to suffer asthma type symptoms and sinusitis all my life, until Logotherapy found me and now it’s GONE… but over the last two weeks, being hit by all the nonsense with past abusers surfacing, etc.  I am having the same symptoms… thankfully improving by today… is it possible, that being connected with the abusers, even at a distance causes this?  Just saying!)
 
Later early am, on the 3rd of February, I added: I finally slept sometime after 2am, after putting together and eating a tuna salad... and woke up at 7h30! Less than 5 1/2 hours sleep is not enough for me, so today might end up being a wasted day also because I really don't cope well at all on lack of sleep!!! I need sleep to function!
 
4th February:  Yesterday was a wasted day.  I did what I could, but felt terrible all day doing it… took the darned tablets pm and slept really well last night.  Woke still a little sinusy, sneezing spells occasionally throughout the day and feeling washed out, but had a much better day today, thankfully.
 
WHERE AND WHAT IS TRUE JUSTICE IN THE WHOLE BIG SCHEME OF THINGS?
The BIG question regarding my stepfather still haunts me… I still don’t believe that he should get away with what he did to me and who knows what other children might have been abused by him.  I don’t think it’s right that he should just fade away without anyone ever knowing about what he did… except for us who KNOW… it’s so not fair!  I wish someone could help me with this… but who can?  If you say, forgive and forget, you are just another one of THEM… because you have no clue… If you say that I am just bitter and wanting revenge… you’ve still got it TOTALLY WRONG!  That’s the BIG problem with this world… all I am crying out for is justice… my inner children want justice "can anyone hear THEIR cries!"… it’s been a VERY LONELY journey!!!

I have to believe in JUSTICE… HEAVENLY JUSTICE… it’s all I have left, because it seems there will never be any JUSTICE in this world for what was done to me and my life!

THE BEST REVENGE AGAINST ALL MY ABUSERS IS TO CONTINUE THE HARD WORK NEEDED TO GAIN VICTORY OVER MY OWN LIFE - TO BECOME ALL I WAS EVER MEANT TO BE - TO DO ALL I WAS BORN TO DO - TO KEEP CLIMBING NO MATTER WHO TURNS AGAINST ME IN THE PROCESS OF MY DESPERATE EFFORTS TO FIND MY HEALING PLACE - I'M NOT ABOUT TO STOP MOVING FORWARD NOW!  YEEEEEES!!! 
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
​
~ Panayiota