I chose this picture, as blurred as it is, because that’s how I remember our childhood… a blur… but one where the love between two little sisters kept us alive through the worst of horrors.
 
Recently, one of my colleagues shared Bet Milder’s song on our Logotherapy Supervision WahtsApp page and it reminded me of how often my little sister ends off her letters to me, “You remain the wind beneath my wings” … I feel so honoured by those words from her heart on her messages, especially for me.  How very special and what a blessing she is to me. 
 
Highlighted during my therapy journey, was how often I’d take on the punishments for my sister in my desperate attempts to protect her… I’m sure there were times when she did her best to protect me also… I can think of at least one incident where she protected me, and we did this, because we loved each other so much.  But for her to attribute Bett’s song to me, is something very beautiful, sacred and affirming to my soul, because… someone KNOWS… and who knows better than my own little sister, only 11 months younger than myself.  I often tell her that she is the very air that I breathe… it is her presence in my life (even though on opposite sides of the world) that keeps me going.  I’m not sure I could do the living in this world thing without her being such an integral part of my life.
 
This is my favourite video version of the song where those words come from.  I love this version, because I identify so much with the two little girls in the video as my little sister and I… her the blond child and me the brunet.  She was always the lively one and I the quiet, reserved child always distant in my own little world where her presence became my “oxygen for living”… it was as though she was living on my behalf.  So much about this video reminds me of us sisters.
 
Bette Midler - Wind Beneath My Wings (Official Music Video)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0iAzMRKFX3c
 
I have to say though, that this particular vocal version of Bet’s below is absolutely beautiful.  There is so much passion in her voice… I love listening to this one and I love watching the other one. 
Bette Midler - Wind Beneath My Wings - Yankee Stadium 2001
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NXYNvqp_pM
September 11 New York City
 
Lyrics ~ Wind Beneath My Wings
Bette Midler
 
Ohhhh, oh, oh, oh, ohhh.
It must have been cold there in my shadow,
To never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.
So I was the one with all the glory,
While you were the one with all the strength.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.
Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
For you are the wind beneath my wings.
Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything, everything I wish I could be.
Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,
For you are the wind beneath my wings,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.
Oh, the wind beneath my wings.
You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.
Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
So high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you,
Thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.
 
Songwriters:  Jeff Silbar / Larry Henley / Larry J. Henley
Wind Beneath My Wings lyrics © Warner Chappell Music, Inc, BMG Rights Management
 
Source: LyricFind
https://www.google.com/search?q=Lyrics+-+Bette+Milder+-+You+are+the+wind&rlz=1C1EJFA_enZA794ZA795&oq=Lyrics+-+Bette+Milder+-+You+are+the+wind&aqs=chrome..69i57.29198j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

Added to this blog post on the 2nd October… a conversation I had with my sister via WhatsApp on the 28th September.  I wanted to post this the same day I wrote this blog but finished so late in the evening and so tired I actually forgot about my WhatsApp addition. 
 
On the 27 September, my sister let me know that I now had a new great-niece, born that day.  I was so happy to hear the good news and wished I could have been there to celebrate with her.  We were chatting about our grandchildren and she was a little confused about which of mine came first…
 
My sister
I always thought E was your first grandchild
 
Me
Nope… J was first.  I first heard he was coming the year I started intensive therapy when he was only the size of the grain of rice.  Knowing he was coming helped me to get through the horrible months of flashbacks, etc.  So I always tell him, he saved my life that year, because it was a very hard year for me.  Just as you also did when we were children (and today still) … I believe that I already wanted to die from when I was a little girl, but I lived to protect you (huge sense of responsibility for you) and at the same time, your funny animated, positive and lively character is what protected me and kept me going, even to this day.
 
Sister
I think we held each other up throughout life, “never give up” is a motto we lived by and we just don’t want to disappoint one another until the Lord calls us home.
 
Me
Very true… but I’m not sure I could live on if you went first.  Living far apart has been painful enough… I have to go first… then I can be near you again (in spirit) and protect you still. Crying just texting this… it’s really that bad for me… intense sadness… so can’t go there.  I’m just happy your still in my world… I don’t think I could do life without knowing that… We went through too much together… you were and still are literally the air (oxygen) for my living.
 
Sister
I hear you, we both live lonely lives.  I can be surrounded by people, but don’t connect with the heart, and if I do, we are separated by miles or bad timing.  It just is.  I get you.  I don’t need protecting anymore… The Lord stepped in the gap between us and we hold onto each other through His power and His might.  He is the strength we carry; His strength allows us to step into each day and know that we can do it… time and space cannot separate our hearts or our deep love for one another.  No brag… just fact!!!
 
Me
Oh, your words are so beautiful to me.  I love you with all my heart.  I am forever grateful for you.

Thank you for sharing my sister’s beautiful, strengthening and affirming words with me,
 
~ Panayiota.

​Lunch outing
 
What has also kept me busy, is that my youngest son and I agreed that a certain portion of his inheritance would go towards home improvements and just spoiling ourselves for a change.  We’ve struggled financially for as long as we can remember, so having a little bit of financial freedom for a short while feels so good.  I think that people who live with financial freedom all the time might get too used to it… take it for granted… or still want more of it and never really be satisfied with what they already have.
 
I once wrote
ENDLESS STRUGGLE
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I’m so tired of being poor
Is anyone tired of being rich
I won’t hesitate at this time
To make a happy switch
 
This struggle seems so endless
This trial so hard to bear
Will I ever know the joy
Of having much to spare
 
I’ve learnt so many values
I cherish little things
I have an abundance of love to give
But my happiness now needs wings
 
Please spare a little thought
For those less fortunate than you
For someday you may know
This endless struggle too
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(21st April 1995 – Wishful Thinking!)
 
One of the first things we did, was to buy ourselves a good cellphone each… I was surprised at how expensive even the lower range phones are these days.  Just after I announced that we had new phones, someone very kindly added quite a large amount of airtime money on my personal phone number… I have two sim cards in my new phone which is fantastic… personal and work.  I still don’t know who added the airtime, but I really want to thank them with all my heart for their kind generosity.  When I lived in my old home, someone there topped up the airtime on my phone for months on end… Oh how I’d love to know the person who has been so kind then and now again… are they the same person or two different people… THANK YOU… whoever you are… Thank you with all my heart.

On the same day we bought the phones, we treated ourselves to lunch at a Spur Steak Ranch restaurant.  Something we would very rarely do.  In fact, I can’t even remember the last time we treated ourselves to a restaurant meal.  They are so expensive, but we allowed ourselves this one time and loved it so much!  The photo of me above, was one my youngest son took at the restaurant.
 
We also paid for our bathroom makeover, which my son in law and daughter organized for us and oversaw the choice and work on it, for which we are very grateful… it’s absolutely beautiful!  We let them choose everything for us and they chose so well.  If I had have chosen, I think my inner child, Patty would have gotten a bit carried away and I would have ended up with gaudy colours, glitter and Christmas lights in there… hahahaaa!  And one more dream that has come true was for more cupboard space.  We managed to purchase two beautiful white cupboards that were selling on special at our local hardware store.  They have freed us so much space and chaos in this house.  I was able to take a huge shelf out of my hanging cupboard space and spread my tightly compacted clothes out so that it’s easier to find what I’m looking for.  With everything in its right place and cleaned up surface areas, I feel I can breathe and think better!  The spring cleaning is still in process, but it’s nearly all completed now.  I found that the more I moved stuff around, the more work I created for myself… so it’s been a huge job… but with wonderful results!
 
27th September, the workers came to install irrigation in my little yard as well as the two Jojo water tanks we had purchased.  One for the back yard and one for the front.  Shem made the concrete bases for them a few days ago in preparation for their installation.  He did a great job.  Having the Jojo’s and irrigation installed ended up costing us a whole lot more than we had planned to spend… literally three times as much, so that’s a big worry, but too late now.  There is so much more we wanted to do, but very little spending money left.  We still hope to have a gate put into our back wall, so that we can access the interior of our complex where my son’s car (inherited from his dad) is parked when not in use… so, the gate is the next thing we are hoping will be fixed soon.  I don’t think there will be enough money left after that to have a motor put on our front gate… security on our front wall and locks on certain exterior doors and gates that still need better securing.  I’m hoping we can get at least the wall security spikes done… hopefully we can find second-hand spikes somewhere.  I also desperately needed to get a granite slab for my kitchen Zinc which is currently made of boxwood and is falling apart with all the moisture… it’s disgusting!  There was the raised (to catch more sunlight) front garden wall bed I also really wanted to make, but that’s for now on the bottom of our dream list, I don’t think that one is ever going to happen in my lifetime… It would have given us extra planting space for fruit and vegetables.
 
And the last thing that I’d still LOVE more than anything to have done, is to have the UGLY loose skin on my abdomen removed… but that one is for me only and for the part of my personal and forever ongoing, and never dying dream of finding True Love one day… so it’s not as important as all the rest of the dreams that would benefit both my youngest son and I who live here, and I would NEVER spend my son’s inheritance on that, so would still need to rely on a donation of around R20 000 for it to be done at a government training hospital.  I’m not going to give up hoping for it… it might seem like a selfish dream, but it is an important part of MY DREAM FOR TRUE LOVE… and I’ve come so far in life, why should I not still have such dreams, even in my 60’s?  Who is going to want me with this UGLY loose skin flap hanging down from my abdomen (and elsewhere)?!  Maybe winning the lottery is still a possibility… hahaa!  Whatever happens, I will NOT give up on this dream!
 
But gratefully, we’ve so far been able to upgrade our standard of living so much with what we have done up till now and it’s a beautiful thing after years of going without and living in disintegrating places where things just seemed to be falling apart around us.  ENOUGH ALREADY!
 
28 September, After having the workers here all day yesterday (invading our space), I was so disappointed that after paying so much for their work, that they did not add filters to our water tanks as we had discussed before they started the job… and that only just before they left at the end of the day, they mentioned that the irrigation nozzles could get blocked by debris coming from the captured rain water inside the tanks. 
 
By Saturday evening, due to the stress of the worker invasion on Friday and my disappointment, I felt as though I was going to have a breakdown.  Every nerve in my body was on edge… I felt nauseous, exhausted beyond anything I’d felt in a very long time and really very ill by the time I went to bed.  I worried that I might die in the night… my heart didn’t feel like it was working well… my breathing was also too shallow… not enough oxygen!
 
It seems that even when GOOD things are happening… like my longstanding dream of water storage coming true at last… somehow my psyche can’t take it all in at once.  It’s too overwhelming… even if it was all done perfectly, I’m sure I would have still reacted the same.  It’s like I struggle as much with receiving GOOD as I do with living with the expected BAD!  Life in general seems to be all too much for me most times!
 
29 September, I woke after only 5 hours sleep… during the early hours, I had a dilemma that I was trying to work a solution for.  I now realise that more money will need to be spent, to now divert the irrigation to our municipal water tap where it should have been in the first place so that the rain tank water would only fed through a hose… not through the irrigation system.  I felt so disturbed by this… already disturbed that we had to spend so much just to have the tanks installed… more than we paid for the actual tanks which were on special!  The irrigation will help so much with freeing up a large chunk of my time and stress… I could rather spend the time I would have been watering, by going out to weed the garden instead.  The weeds come up so quick and I don’t have time for both… I don’t even have enough time to rest anymore.  I really dreamed of that irrigation… I must now spend even more money to make it work for us.  That is so upsetting!    I already have to pay our handyman to rig up the outdoor plugs so that the water pumps can work.  We bought the plugs and their outdoor protective housing already.
 
And yes… I am obviously still a walkover… still trying to keep the peace… still a flipping people pleaser!!!!!  I couldn’t fight with the people about the filters I’d discussed with them before they started the job or the cages we had discussed for them to put around the pumps to prevent theft! 
​
By the end of a whole day with them here, I couldn’t wait for them to leave… I just wanted my safe space back again, so I let them go without complaining about what HADN’T been done… HUMPH!!! 
 
DON’T WORRY… I’M KICKING MYSELF ENOUGH ABOUT IT ALREADY!!!
 
I could not go to church today… still feeling “highly strung… and exhausted”… had an hours nap while my youngest son went to church.  Woke after an hour due to a nightmare and very full bladder!  Flipping bladder… I would get a lot more sleep if it wasn’t for that! 
 
I’m still so tired… so-so-so darned tired.

OUR WONDERFUL BATHROOM MAKEOVER ABOVE.

BEAUTIFUL NEW CUPBOARDS... what a marvelous difference they have made to my whole house!

WATER STORAGE AT LAST... What a wonderful blessing ♥

We might need a donation to get a granite slab for the sink... but I will update you all when we've seen what happens with our remaining spending money.

OUR BEAUTIFUL, PRODUCTIVE LITTLE VEGETABLE GARDEN.

FLOWERS IN OUR SPRING GARDEN AT THIS TIME

Thank you for sharing our wonderful blessings with us.

~ Panayiota.

​So much to share again… nothing new about that... I always aim to keep it short, but just sooo much to share, make sense of, gain perspective over and set free).  I will try to split my sharing up a bit more to make separate shorter blog posts.
 
A song and a message from Heaven
The night that Mrs. Poppy Peanut went to Heaven, a song got stuck in my head and it stayed there for days.  I  don’t remember mentioning it in the previous post, because I just couldn’t work out the meaning of it and what message it was trying to send to me, but I think I know what it means now since I was able to find the lyrics to the song after a dear friend helped me to work out what the name of the song was that was and where to find it, so I’d like to share.
 
Brightly Beams Our Father’s Mercy:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KchNq0M9N1k
 
Lyrics
1. Brightly beams our Father’s mercy
From his lighthouse evermore,
But to us he gives the keeping
Of the lights along the shore.
 
Let the lower lights be burning;
Send a gleam across the wave.
Some poor fainting, struggling seaman
You may rescue, you may save.
 
2. Dark the night of sin has settled;
Loud the angry billows roar.
Eager eyes are watching, longing,
For the lights along the shore.
 
Let the lower lights be burning;
Send a gleam across the wave.
Some poor fainting, struggling seaman
You may rescue, you may save.
 
3. Trim your feeble lamp, my brother;
Some poor sailor, tempest-tossed,
Trying now to make the harbor,
In the darkness may be lost.
 
Let the lower lights be burning;
Send a gleam across the wave.
Some poor fainting, struggling seaman
You may rescue, you may save.
 
"Brightly Beams Our Fathers Mercy" Words and Music written by Phillip Paul Bliss, 1838-1876
Sung by Dan Ellison, Spencer Ellison, Steven Jensen and Trevor Nielsen.
Audio & Video recorded/edited by James Case
 
“Brethren, the Master will take care of the great light-house: let us keep the lower lights burning!” ~ D. L. Moody. (http://home.uchicago.edu/~coleman/public_html/lowerlights.html)
 
I believe that Heaven knew that like others times of extreme stress and hurts, I was crashing into the rocks of a stormy sea on the night I lost my dearest friend and companion, Mrs Poppy Peanut… My son was housesitting that very night and the one after… I was entirely alone in my agony of loss when that song came into my head and got stuck there, going around and around relentlessly.  I believe now that this song was calling me to keep my light burning while at the same time, Heavenly Father was reassuring me that He was watching over me, keeping the Greater Light burning on my behalf.  I was not alone facing the storm of my loss.  The words of the song we’re calling to me to keep my light burning whilst here in this world where I so often don’t want to be.  It was a reminder to me, that I still have a purpose that I need to live on for, to fulfill… and that my calling is to be here for others to LOVE and share with, and also to in my own way, help guide them safely through their own storms, and that no matter how sad or alone I might have been feeling, that I am here for a purpose…. for the sake of others.
 
I once wrote:
 
SHARE A LOVING HEART
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Loving hearts are lonely hearts,
If loving hearts don’t share.
Loving hearts are sad hearts,
If loving hearts don’t care.
 
If love was meant for lonely hearts,
Then why can’t I find any?
If love was meant for sad hearts,
Then why is mine so empty?
 
Perhaps there’s none for loving hearts,
Because loving hearts have plenty.
Loving hearts should share their love,
Then perhaps they won’t be so empty.
 
I know I have a loving heart,
But so often I feel bad.
I need to share my loving heart,
With someone who is sad.
 
I need to lift their spirit up,
And make them feel so good.
And let my heart be filled with joy…
Yes – I know I should!
 
~ Panayiota
(July 1992)

​On the 17th September, I went out to water the garden.  I noticed a big yellow and black butterfly dancing around my lemon tree again… how beautiful I thought, and as I thought it, the butterfly flew straight over to me and flew around me about three times then flew over the wall.  It was while it was flying around me, I imagine that my Patty-self, surfaced and I felt so blessed and so happy for that magical moment in time… I giggled with delight!  Overwhelmed by an absolute feeling of being loved and watched over. 

​Almost immediately after the yellow butterfly disappeared over the wall, a hummingbird flew over to shower under the spray of the water hose I was holding in my hand while I was watering the vegetables.  I could not believe that a hummingbird of all birds had come into my yard and was now thoroughly enjoying a bath here… how wonderful I thought to myself!  I just stood there, as still as I could and enjoyed every beautiful moment of its presence.  It was tiny, almost black and had a curved beak.  It flew in and out of the spray onto my vegetables, then up onto the washing line to shake off a bit before flying through the spray again… it was so lovely to see and to be in the presence of such magic!  Again, I took it as a sign sent especially for me… why not… why not totally embrace such moments in life for all that they are worth and why not see their worth in all their glory… why not imagine that I am so loved and so gifted each and every day of my life by some caring force that is not interested in the miseries of this world that is mine, but rather a force that sees me as someone worthy to be loved and attended to with care… a force that stands up for me… with me… and is there for me always, just as I believe is also available for every living person who ever was, who is today and will someday be.  These wonderful daily Miracles are available to us all… we just need to open our eyes, our ears and our hearts to receiving them, appreciating them and express our sincere gratitude for them always, without hesitation.

There was greatly added stress over this time, with my youngest son losing his job at the end of August, because the business was not making enough money, so they got rid of half their workers overnight… HUMPH!... and that with the depression over the loss of Mrs. Poppy Peanut’s presence in my life still lingering… some days have been far worse than others for me.  I’ve been keeping myself as busy as possible… spring cleaning and moving furniture, planting for summer, etc., and this has kept me going. 
 
A few days ago, my eldest son and I were in a WhatsApp conversation… he wrote
“One thing I have learned, although it may not help on the moment, is that we always have what we need when we need it.  A… will get work again soon.
 
I responded
“It is so true… I’ve learned that too.  Just when I need him (my youngest son) most to be here, he is.  So, what could look like a curse is so often actually a great blessing in disguise.  We just have to open our eyes to the magic of possibilities and spiritual facts leaning in our favour… we are never abandoned.
 
(At this time, we have workers [strangers] invading our space during home improvements and that is always very disturbing and unsettling for me… I don’t do well with having my safe space invaded, so having my youngest son here has been very helpful)
 
Then my oldest son added
“The world complains that Miracles don’t happen anymore, but they are completely and utterly wrong.  Miracles happen every moment, but much of the world can’t see them anymore because they are no longer grateful.  When I learned to be grateful in the good, the bad and the ugly, I saw that everything is a Miracle… Patience and gratitude are the ways to partake in Miracles, because you won’t see the Miracle until it’s done.”
 
I added
YES! YES! YES!  Although, we can see them also as they are happening, like Poppy’s blue butterfly.  I see and experience Miracles daily… I truly do.
 
My son responded
Yes, we can see that they’re happening if our eyes and hearts are open to them.
 
I loved that conversation with my son.  It’s not often that I can have a conversation with someone who thinks so deply in much the same way as I do.
 
24th September was Heritage Day here in South Africa, I went to visit my daughter and her two dogs and while I was talking to the one little dog, Abby, I called her Poppy by mistake… instant heartsore as tears welled up in my eyes… the next day I visited my sister and was petting her little dog, Sally and again called her Poppy by mistake and had to fight back the deep and overwhelming sadness once again… I think it will be a while before I can learn to live comfortably without my sweet Poppy.  While I was at my daughter’s, she asked if I’d be interested in fostering puppies until they could go into good homes… instant tears again… so, it is clear, that I can’t even talk DOG at this time… I’m still hurting too much and trying to hide my pain in working myself to a standstill. 
 
Thank you for sharing with me.

​~ Panayiota

The day after Mrs. Poppy Peanut went to her Heavenly sleep, I wrote on Facebook
 
Wednesday, August 28 at 19h29
Chatting to a friend on WhatsApp just now I wrote: "My life is a lonely one lived through my computer… Mrs. Poppy Peanut was a constant presence here in my home… she was my unconditional love and dear friend… I miss her terribly already. But Life has kept me unusually crazy busy today, so I’ve not had a chance to grieve her passing… I’ve had to keep going with my office work, no matter what… I would have preferred to curl up in my bed and cry all day long, but Life knows best and I follow… like I have no option… tearful and exhausted…"
 
Threatening news – a dark cloud developed over all that we’re already facing
My youngest son’s job is threatened, because they are not making enough money where he is working, so I’ve been trying to find his certificates and work experience records all day also and I just can’t find them anywhere… the boss wants certificates, updated CV and all by Friday… He sent a form with questions on it… one asking if he is prepared to take a lower salary… we never responded to that… how on earth are we supposed to work with less?
 
I also need to help my sister’s helper’s daughter, Violet, with her school project. She doesn’t have a computer and needs some research done… EEEK… I’ve not found time to do a thing yet to help her, so still at the computer (late pm) and hoping to get some of that done before I switch off… too much stress right now. 
 
I also have a dream interpretation waiting to be done for a dear friend… I don’t have the time or energy to face it… I have to get into “the zone” to do those… I’m struggling too much to reach that place… I’m letting her down… it’s adding to my unhappiness…
 
I’m needing BIG TIME prayers please.
 
I even feel like I have a little chest infection developing... slightly itchy, burning bronchi... but so far today, it’s not getting any worse thankfully.
 
❤ Thanks to you all for all the love... you truly have helped me through a very tough time yet again ❤
 
Some of my Facebook friends’ responses:
 
Brie: I'm putting you on Mt. Timpanogos temple prayer roll as well as we'll pray every day for you Auntie. Sending love and hugs! ❤❤❤
 
Izaak: Oh Panny, so sorry about Mrs Poppy Peanut. As a fellow dog lover and someone who lost their little fur baby as well a few months back, I know the hurt you are experiencing with her loss. Then you have all these other issues to contend with. May Mrs. Poppy Peanut fly forever free, wagging her little tail on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge! May the love and beautiful memories she gave you whilst sharing her Earth experience with you, comfort you at this time. Sending you love and big hugs!
 
Izaak added:

I responded to Izaak: I know it's true dearest friend... I will see her and all my other pets and friends and family again someday. The receptionist at the Vet’s gave me a whole lot of stuff like this to read to help me through the grieving, but I have not had the courage to look at it... I did read this one though and of course... blubbing again! If anyone understands this pain, I know for sure you do. I love you so much.
 
I know for sure that Poppy must be so happy to be with her other friends again, Woody and Mr. Dudley Peanut... When I stop to imagine her JOY and being free of her pains and sufferings, my own pain lifts a little and I am left with the hope and belief that I will see her and them all again someday
 
Thursday, 29 August at 09h02
Last night I just felt so unsettled... totally alone in this house for two nights since Poppy left us, (nobody’s shoulder to lean on during my time of grief) while my youngest son has been house/dog sitting for my second son and family. Strangely I was not afraid to be so alone... I was just so cut off that it was as if I just didn't even care... but still couldn't get to bed early... like... I had nobody to tuck in or say goodnight to! HUMPH!
 
The big space next to my bed was eerily empty where Poppy used to be at night, on her big pillow wrapped up in her blanket … I felt perplexed and uncomfortable without her there.  At night when I used to wake up for the bathroom, I’d always check on her to see that she was covered and warm… I can’t do that anymore… there’s NOTHING there… just a big empty space in my room and a hole in my soul in the shape of my Poppy…
 
Took 1/4 sleeping pill again and finally fell asleep around 23h30... woke at around 06h30, so I got enough sleep! No usual sounds here to wake me up... nobody to feel responsible for... not even me!
 
Still so sad and crying on and off, so I invited a helper and Shem to come work here today, because I knew I needed company and distraction from my own emotions to get past this...
 
When the helper arrived, I was a bucket of tears... just so relieved to see someone... but she basically told me to get over myself and get on with life... and so I did! 
 
My tears can only be shared with those who would understand the depth of them.  My mother used to beat us and beat us and beat us, whilst screaming abuses at us, until we STOPPED crying… (“You want something to cry about!  I’ll give you something to cry about!” BANG! BANG! BANG!) We learned to shut off our crying voices… to cry on the inside only!  Tears would still overflow, but if you didn’t see the tears, you wouldn’t know we were still crying… we even learned how to hold our SOBS! … to hold our breathing!
 
The helper managed to trigger that side of me… the beaten Patty side of me.  In an instant, all the outward crying was sucked down that dark porthole of the past, back into the suffocating captivity of my mother’s abuse… INSTANTLY… no more crying… dissociating into that safe place to satisfy mother… just to stop her beating me! 
 
I let her win again!
 
The helper wasn't being nasty... she was being nurturing in her own way, so it's okay.  I knew she was just doing her best from her (? hardened) perspective on life and grieving, etc. 
 
I literally shut  my tears off instantly and stood in front of the fish tank staring blankly at the fish… she came up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder… “Look at your fish” she said, “You still have those and your garden outside”… Of course, she was right about that.  I love my garden especially.
 
BUT I ALSO NEEDED TO GRIEVE!
 
Shem should come soon, and my youngest son also, because my daughter in law is back from her business trip now, so I should get through today okay and will have my youngest son here tonight to say goodnight to... things should get better now…
 
Sharing with my Facebook friends, I continued…
In tears, I just took Mrs. Poppy Peanut's bowl, mattress and all her left-over tinned food and crunkles to the dustbin raider, Winston, for his Alsatian dog, Seuntjie (little boy, in Afrikaans). Man I love that dog; he and Winston are both so gentle natured... Winston looks like a little bushman. Seuntjie accompanies him on his dustbin raiding days and he's such a chilled out, friendly dog... of course, he ran up to me for his usual loving petting and I burst into tears, thinking that he would not see Poppy again on their Thursday visits to our street. I think she enjoyed the encounter, although she'd never have admitted it if she could speak!
 
Thank you to all my dear friends, who I feel safe and comfortable enough to share my tears freely with... thank you for not giving up on me when I do... I love you all so much 💖
 
I once wrote:
 
The Bin-Raider
© All rights reserved
 
Yes!
I dig through your garbage
So I can survive
To keep my family and I alive.
I dig through ‘your’ rubbish
To find ‘our’ treasures
I dig through your gunk
To make use of your junk.
I do what I must
Cos my bank is bust
There are holes in my pockets
And air in my wallet.
Jobs are scarce
I do not have skills
There’s no money to pay
Our monthly bills.
So I fill up my trolley
With what you throw away
That my family and I live
To see a new day.
 
~ Panayiota
(05 December 2013)
 
Hermè: I know I am not the only friend of yours who has cried with you in the past and who has cried over Mrs. Poppy Peanut and your grieving for her now... We are here for you.
I am touched by the story of Winston and Seuntjie, and the poem. I hate that people are homeless or out on the streets having to do this to survive, but it is heartwarming that these two souls are there for each other, helping each other through a difficult life. So often a dog makes all the difference. Hope your day will be blessed. Much love and big hugs
 
Panayiota: I love you dearest Hermè... I often feel guilty for dragging my friends into my sorrows... or for causing you tears too... sometimes I withdraw from FB for days when I feel that things are too negative to impose on you all anymore, than I have already... yet at the same time, I value your LOVE and your beautiful PRESENCE so much... That you would stay so close during times like this, even if it is hurting you too. There are some hurts that I just KNOW that I cannot bear alone, so I thank you with all my heart for bearing them with me... God bless you and my other dear and steadfast TRUE FRIENDS here always 💖 💖 💖
 
Mandy: Lots of love and hugs Panayiota 💖 Thank you for sharing Mrs. Poppy Peanut with us. Thank you for being real and relatable 💖 May angels attend you today X xxx
 
Debbie: I so love reading your posts, I am grateful Heavenly Father has allowed me to be part of your life
 
I found myself deep sighing a lot after Poppy went to her Heavenly sleep… as if my lungs were trying to remember how to breathe properly… that has happened before when I was moving home in 2012… for months I found myself deep sighing like that.  I researched it and found out that it has something to do with depression… can’t remember.  I do know that I breathe differently for days when I’m sad and depressed… I also found that I was experiencing heart palpitations (like a dull bubble-popping feeling in my chest) a lot for a few days after Poppy left me and I think that also has something to do with the poor breathing patterns that set in during sad times… maybe someone else has answers for me… I don’t have time to go research this now. 
 
I developed bronchitis also while Poppy was ill, and on the 29th, it was so bad, my tight, wheezing chest kept me awake!  It’s almost two weeks later now and although it’s getting better, my chest is still tight and I’m still having coughing spasms.  I hope it will heal soon.  My daughter brought me a humidifier to use and I bought myself some natural antibiotics… using Vicks also, etc.  Just doing my best to avoid doctors… but bronchitis makes me exhausted! 
 
I just want to sleep… I guess depression does that too!  During the day of the 29th, I also experienced a moment in time where the urge to hurt myself reared its ugly head again, but I kept myself busy… couldn’t concentrate on my work well… I felt very restless… I found myself doing a little work, then getting up and doing something else either in the house or in the garden… I had to keep dragging myself back to my work, because there was lots to do… I had to do it! 
 
Poppy and my daughter had the most beautiful and beloved relationship 

​“Mommy Poppy” staring adoringly at her human daughter.
 
On the day after Mrs. Poppy Peanut went to her Heavenly sleep, my daughter wrote on my Facebook page.
 
“I'm so proud of you for going with her. She must have felt so much love and safety with you there. I'm sure she is running around with Woody and Dudley now like a puppy again ❤️ I will miss her.”
 
Many years ago, when Mrs. Poppy Peanut and Mr. Dudley Peanut were learning about the birds and the bees, Poppy fell pregnant with two little puppies.  One a little short-haired brown girl named Bella who looked just like her daddy and went to live with a friend of ours, while the other was a beautiful long-haired dachshund with a mix of colours from both his mommy and daddy.  Chester Peanut was the most beautiful little dog ever, with so much character.

​Chester Peanut as a puppy and later when he grew up.  We loved him so much!
 
Heavily pregnant, Mrs. Poppy Peanut was sleeping in my daughters bed the night she went into labour.  My daughter woke up feeling wetness in her bed and reaised that Poppy was giving birth.  She lifted Poppy onto her bed on the floor, only to realise, she’d lifted at the same time, the little brand newborn puppy (Chester), still hanging from his chord.  My daughter called me and we were able to be together as Poppy sorted out Chester and then gave birth to Bella.  We believe that from that day, Poppy thought that my daughter was one of her puppies too… she had somehow imprinted on her during her birthing process in the bed. 
 
It was the most incredible thing to witness through all the years since, how much Poppy loved my daughter.  When they were together, Poppy would be all over her, nuzzling her and wanting to get as close as she possibly could.  We’d laugh at how much Poppy worked to “nurture” her relationship with my daughter… so much so, that I often said that she was my daughter’s, “other mother”… it was so beautiful to see how much she loved her… and of course, my daughter loved her very much also. 
 
I honoured and loved Poppy even more, for sharing the great love of my daughter with me, so there was that added sadness and sense of loss when she had to go… I knew that I’d miss her a lot more as a result. 
 
When we were forced to move home in 2012, we tried to find homes for all our dogs, because we did not have a new home yet to move into and believed that there was no way we could bring them with us to our new area.  It was the most agonizing time of my life… a seriously hard, lonely and traumatic journey!   
 
Sadly, our lovely Chester Peanut was the first to go, and on the last day in our old home, I’d still not found homes for our other three dogs… I was going to have to have them put down, but my second son phoned around quickly and by some Miracle, managed to find a wonderful kind family who said they’d take care of our dogs for us until we were settled and if possible, until we knew we would be able to have them back.  Tracy and Deryn and their family took care of them, for three  months… I will NEVER forget what they did for us, because we were finally able to find a home where our three remaining dogs were allowed to be with us and that on its own was truly a Miracle for which I will be forever grateful.

Dear old Woody and Mr. Dudley Peanut relaxing on my youngest son’s lap.
 
I would like to end off Mrs. Poppy Peanut’s story with something beautiful that happened the day after she’d gone to her Heavenly Sleep…
 

The Miracle of the Blue Butterfly
 
28 August 2019 ~ The day after Mrs. Poppy Peanut went to her Heavenly sleep, my youngest son popped in for an hour or two around midday.  He had been housesitting for my 2nd son, and needed to go back, but decided to spend some time with me, because he knew I was hurting.
 
While he was here, I walked to the back door, about to open the security gate to go out into the garden, when I noticed the most beautiful big blue and black butterfly.  It looked just like the big yellow lime butterflies we see flying around our lemon tree every year, but instead of black with yellow markings, this one was black with beautiful blue markings on its wings… I’d never seen a blue one before, so I was fascinated by it as it danced around our lemon tree about three meters from where I was standing.
 
I called to my son… “Come quick!  Come see this beautiful butterfly!” … and he ran to the door. 
 
As he got to the door, something most unexpected and incredible happened… The butterfly turned towards us and flew right up to the security gate… danced in front of our faces for a few seconds as if it was trying to speak to us, then turned around and flew away over our garden wall… and that was the last we saw of it. 
 
Immediately, I said, without any doubt whatsoever, “Poppy’s alright.  She found a way to let us know she’s okay.” And my son agreed.  It was one of those magical, mystical, Miraculous moments in time that brought with it a beautiful sense of peace from the other side of the veil.
 
I wanted to know what kind of butterfly it was, so searched the internet and found a picture of one that I remembered it looked like.  I posted it on the Facebook bugs page that I love going through whenever I have time and asked for an ID on it.  But unfortunately, it was not one seen in South Africa… but someone did mention that it could be a Papilio nireus, the green-banded swallowtail… the one we saw was NOT green… we were certain it was blue, so I was very happy to see that it was probably more likely to be the narrow-banded blue swallowtail, or African blue-banded swallowtail butterfly, of the family Papilionidae which is found in Sub-Saharan Africa.  (For more information, see the link below.
 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Papilio_nireus?fbclid=IwAR16YNdLBpr9ldaoGtrDYLSBthQbrWNkjUSTun0hs9B5b6lOOq-Z4-dETAg

Narrow-banded blue swallowtail, or African blue-banded swallowtail butterfly
 
Feeling a longing for more nurturing love to help take away my intense pain over losing Mrs. Poppy Peanut, I mentioned on the page that my dog had died the day before and as a result, I received such a lovely response… but one hater put a laughing face as his response… and for some unearthly reason I can never explain… it did not bother me one little bit… I thought it would have, but it didn’t… so I was amazed about that.  It just felt like it was okay… his opinion could NOT take away my genuine feelings of love for my little dog who was no more… or my genuine tears of loss.
 
One woman commented… (I wish I could find the post so that I could add the exact words)… but she said something like:  “Go take a look at the meaning of seeing a blue butterfly.  You will be amazed”… and so I did.  See the link below and the fascinating and most comforting meaning I found on the page.
 
https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1EJFA_enZA794ZA795&ei=z_xnXfPrMoTnxgPmpp2wCw&q=definition+of+blue+butterflies&oq=definition+of+blue+butterflies&gs_l=psy-ab.3...65135.67474..70468...0.2..0.400.2450.2-8j0j1......0....1..gws-wiz.......0i71j0i7i30.BMGG4yMdvpw&ved=0ahUKEwizj-nKv6jkAhWEs3EKHWZTB7YQ4dUDCAo&uact=5
 
The blue butterfly is a symbol of Spirit speaking through transformation and change. In some cultures, spotting a blue butterfly is thought to bring sudden good luck. ... Spotting a blue butterfly means that a wish one makes or made will come true. A blue colored butterfly is often thought to symbolize joy and happiness.
 

• A blue butterfly is often considered as a sign of life.
• But in most cultures, the blue butterfly is a symbol of acceptance, honor, and great energy.
• A blue butterfly can also symbolize the passing of time, change, and meaningful purpose in life.
• Seeing a blue butterfly or holding it can have a calming effect on a person.
• In some part of the world, blue butterflies are rare, so it is considered extremely lucky to observe one.

 
I cannot begin to tell you how much the comforting visit of that beautiful blue butterfly was for me… so much so, that I am aching for a blue butterfly necklace or broach or bracelet with little blue butterflies on… or a blown glass blue butterfly.  I would love to have a blue butterfly for my daughter and for me… it feels somehow like that would be a most comforting connection to my little Poppy…
 
I will be searching everywhere for blue butterfly anything’s from now on… it feels like something I must have… Patricia… Patty… whoever… I feel that it is needed to fill the hole in my soul…
 
I told my little sister who lives in Canada, and she almost immediately WhatsApped me the picture of the blue butterfly that I used at the top of this post… She understands me so well and I feel her comforting, nurturing and caring love deeply at times like this.  If one of us ever has to go, I hope it will be me first, because I don’t think I could do this thing called life without her in this world…
 
I miss Mrs. Poppy Peanut so much… for a few days it was very painful adjusting to her not being here.  When I hung washing, I expected to see her walking around the garden to keep me company… when I went to sleep at night… she was supposed to be lying next to me on her little bed (we had recently bought her a brand new bed too)… when I sat in the lounge, she was supposed to be lying in my arms, etc.
 
Soon after Poppy left us, someone called to ask if I wanted a puppy… I couldn’t absorb that offer, because I was still mourning Poppy’s absence.  For me it’s like if someone’s husband died, calling them to say you’ve got a replacement husband for them… It made no sense to me!
 
Besides, I don’t want to ever go through this again… so no thank you… no more pets for me.  I will take care of my garden lizards… I love those and will make it my goal to get one to eat out of my hand.  They have a lot of character and respond when I call… I also have my fish… at least none of those pine for me when I go out… I don’t have to worry about leaving them at home alone… Poppy hated being alone and I hated leaving her alone… so no thank you… no more…
 
NO MORE… NO MORE PAIN!
 
Why is it that if a human relative or friend dies, people visit and support you at the funeral, etc… but just because Mrs. Poppy Peanut was a dog, there was so much less support… like what the helper basically implied… “just get over it!” 
 
I’m not going to just get over it!  And I’m so grateful for my select few wonderful, loving and understanding FB friends and my beautiful daughter and son in law who were physically there for me… my sisters also from a distance… Other than them and a few others who let me know that they really understood…
 
The long hours learning to be alone at home without Mrs. Poppy Peanut has been truly agonising!
 
Please like my posts even if they are not happy ones.  I want to know that I’m not alone here… that someone took the time to read my loooong posts (sorry about that), and cared enough to share this time with me, in memory of my sweet and loving Mrs. Poppy Peanut…

Thank you.
​
~ Panayiota  

​~ (Caution – this is a very sad post) – I struggled to face and finish this post, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to rest until it was safely recorded and put to rest here.
 
On Facebook ~ Sunday, August 25 at 19h40
 
I wrote:
Please pray for Mrs Poppy Peanut... she’s feeling very ill. Thank you.
 
I received so much support and well wishes from my Facebook friends and I responded
Thank you so much for your TLC everyone. I realised what her problem was by last night and knew that she was going to be okay if she could just get through the night. (NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH!) Her vomiting for two days was indeed as a result of eating chicken skin (she's too old to change up her diet... her diet needs to stay specific, just like mine)… she also has a oesophagus pocket that some older dogs develop where food gets stuck sometimes causing instant regurgitation of any food or water taken in (something we’d managed to get under control on following the instructions from our last visit to the Animal Anti-Cruelty Vet, so she has not had problems with that in ages, but maybe the vomiting caused it to flare up with the pocket filling up again and causing the vomiting)... but unfortunately at the same time the vomiting threw me off completely as to what was really going on with her.
 
A few days before, on Thursday 22nd, in the evening, I gave Poppy a gristly bone to chew on... the white bone and gristly pieces I gather she can no longer digest, so they must have gone through and might have caused her anal-gland abscess to develop a few days later… I don’t know.  (she hadn’t suffered from the anal gland problem in a very long time either, because the Vet showed me what to look out for and what to do about it if it started to brew again).  If I knew that was happening again, I could have helped her before it became too big and painful and nearly killed her… (helping her would involve gloves on each hand and stretching the anus massaging and pulling/pressing both thumbs in the opposite direction to help pop the abscess while it was still small… gross I know, but a simple [momentary painful remedy] for a potentially serious problem.  There is instant relief for the dog once the abscess has popped and drained) Poppy is prone to this abscess, but changing her diet to a regular, moist and more digestible type and finer consistency has helped her so much and she hasn't had the abscess in ages, or the problem with the pocket in her oesophagus.  I also had lifted her food and water onto bricks, so that her neck was always stretched up to straighten her oesophagus when eating and drinking and that, I am sure, helped her a lot also.
 
But, this time, the anal abscess was the worst she's ever had and seriously, it's a wonder she made it!  Late on Sunday 25th, she looked like she was going to die and I was preparing to take her to the emergency Vet, but my youngest son couldn't get off duty early and because I get into a terrible state at the Vet, I do need company and help with going there.  But, by the time I came home from dropping my eldest son off at the airport in the evening, Poppy's abscess had already popped... blood stained fluid everywhere on the blanket she had been lying on, and it had the most terrible smell...
 
Oh my goodness me... so much washing with soap and Sanpic got done over this time that my hands became burnt red and left with tiny sores all over the skin.  We laid the entire house with newspaper, especially for in case she was up during the night with diarrhea and vomiting.  But as had happened previously when we dealt with this problem, once the abscess had popped, she would generally feel a whole lot better and start to heal.
 
I did as much comforting and reassuring her as I could, because I believe that the touch and gentle sound of my voice would help her to relax and she did respond well to all the love. The worst was over with by 1am and we slept until 6am, so I have hopefully had enough sleep to see me through the day, even though I was up for the first half of the night seeing to Poppy as she was still vomiting from time to time.  (so it wasn’t the abscess that was the problem at that point, it was the vomiting… I had to stay up to make sure she vomited on the newspapers and that she was coping… I felt so helpless but did my best to comfort and help her.
 
She's weak this morning, but I can see now that she is much better already. If anyone has ever had an abscess before, you will know how terribly painful they are not to mention the possibility of the infection causing septicemia, etc.... Poor Mrs. Poppy Peanut.... I'm so grateful she survived the night... thank you to anyone who prayed with us for her... <3 <3 <3
 
I wrote a little later
I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do, but I'm scared to feed Poppy this morning because of all the vomiting over, so I've put a tablespoon of Greek yogurt down for her for when she wakes up. I think I will give her another two tablespoons until around lunch time, and if all goes well, then I will give her a little regular mushed food again if she is hungry... I'll keep you all updated... we will keep the newspaper down, until I'm sure she's not puking anymore, but so far so good... no more runny tummy either... abscesses are incredibly painful until they pop... I wish I'd realised it was an abscess sooner. I can usually tell, because her droppings get very skinny and small, but, because of the vomiting and diarrhea, there was no sign of that happening this time... she got a double whammy (the vomiting and diarrhea and the abscess were separate problems she had to deal with)... she won't EVER be getting bones to chew on again!
 
Later
I gave Poppy one small tablespoon of Yoghurt in the morning, but she continued to follow me around and she didn’t look bad at all, so I gathered she was starving… I warmed her regular meal and gave her 1/4 of that... she's just gobbled it down, so let’s see how that goes. I will give her 1/4 of her food throughout the day, but with a small tablespoon of yogurt first each time. It's plain Greek yogurt... so it should be good. 

​Poppy last night about half an hour after My youngest son arrived home, she raised her head for the first time. Usually she'd be running to the door to greet him when he arrives. But it was good to see her raising her head… I felt it was a sign that she was feeling better.  I imagined she was very weak though and just needed time to recover.

​This morning… Poppy has a comfy bed to lie on in my room but chose instead to lie on the carpet right next to my computer chair where I was working.

​This afternoon, Poppy is still choosing to lie on the carpet next to my desk... she wants to stay close to me... bless her… I keep talking to her and reaching down to love her… she is responding well to my love.  I am feeling hopeful, but at the same time, worried, because she’s been so quiet.  I gather she’s just feeling weak and ill from all the vomiting she had done.  Thankfully that was over with now, so I knew I just had to help her to build her strength up.  She had been drinking well, but today, she was a little too still and quiet.  No strange breathing, nothing… she looked so relaxed, but I was worried.
 
Later (keeping my friends on Facebook updated)
Poppy has eaten two small meals today so far and a little yogurt am... she's looking a little uncomfortable right now... so just waiting to see what happens, but hopefully she's still okay. Maybe just a little sore. Even a popped abscess hurts... and maybe a little tummy ache too. I'm giving her lots of loves which she's enjoying.
 
I picked her up and took her outside for the toilet… she did a massive wee, so I knew she was drinking enough water… so, I gathered she was just uncomfortable, only because her little bladder must have been really full and she was feeling too weak to bother going outside on her own.
   
Tuesday, August 27 at 02h14
I've been up most of the night. Mrs. Poppy Peanuts abscess must have managed to seal itself again... so she was in a lot of pain and the occasional groaning noise she made told me so. I had to stay awake because I knew the stinky mess was coming and she had started vomiting again, so she needed me and I also needed to be awake to contain the messes… to make sure she was always on a towel or newspaper if vomited or if the abscess burst.
 
(I did my best to help burst the abscess… did what the Vet had taught me to do and did what helped me once when I had a problem with abscesses.  I ran a clean rag under warm water and squeezed it out.  Used it to wash her tail end, but also held it against her skin there, hoping it would help with releasing the abscess.  I think she liked the soothing warmth and attention.)
 
The abscess finally burst at 2am, so hopefully it won't seal itself again. If it does, then I fear it will be time to say goodbye to her because I don't want to see her suffering more.
 
I would need help to do that 😕 my youngest son will only be off duty tomorrow.
 
I hope Poppy and I will be able to sleep soon. I'm so tired and I'm sure she is also... my poor little doggy.  She's already looking calmer and relaxed... thankfully 🙏😴
 
Seeing things in perspective is so important:
Tuesday, August 27 am
 
The new helper that my sister’s helper had introduced me to came today to help clean up after my hectically wonderful weekend with my eldest son and the three children here, and it was before they were gone that Poppy started to show signs of not being too well, so I really needed help by today.
 
Anyway, she came on a sad day for me as I started to realise the inevitable, so there's been tears and she must have heard me crying on the phone when I was talking to my daughter about Poppy and the agonising prospect of having her put down.
 
Next thing, I hear this dreadful sound coming from the lounge... sounded like people having a fighting fit... screaming and shouting... like the horrid sound of my old neighbours fighting the other day. I realised it was coming from the helper’s phone and, (horrified), I went through and asked her what it was all about and she told me that it was a preacher... praying or speaking about Lazarus... I think she said... I told her it sounded like people fighting... it was very loud!  Then I went into my room and shut the door so that I could block the noise of it all.  I mean, if you want to get me going, start any religious pushy stuff around me...!
 
But... (surprisingly) instead of being highly annoyed, I tried to get perspective on what had just happened... She had heard me crying on the phone and wanted to share the only comfort she must know... her kind of church stuff... what she believes in... what is meaningful to her... she wanted to share the love she holds dear, to help me get through my pain...
 
So, instead of my usual highly allergic reaction to religious pushing... I felt her love and care; she was only trying to help me to feel better.
 
Of course, I hope I never have to hear that loud and unholy (in my opinion) noise in my house again, but for today, I am very grateful for this lady's beautiful gesture of love and compassion.
 
Before she left, I asked her what her preacher was talking about... I felt I owed her that… she said, about "crossing over"... I thanked her for sharing that with me.
 
August 27 at 10h44 ~ I wrote on my Facebook timeline
 
I love you all... thank you for being here... I'm totally teary this morning... tiredness and sadness... Poppy and I finally slept between after 3am and just before 7am when I woke. She's totally relaxed and wiped out right now... sleeping...
 
I'm struggling in-between... “Do I let her go, or prolong her life and struggles?”  She does have arthritis, a huge tummy hernia, aging teeth, some clouding in her eyes, a pocket in her oesphagus and the anal abscess thing (all that the Animal Anticruelty Vet wouldn’t do anything about, only instructing me as to how to help her each time a problem surfaced with these).  “Is it fair to keep her alive?” ... I just don't know... so sad... I really don’t want to let her go and I don’t want her to suffer either.
 
Just some of my friends’ responses
Hermè:  Only you can make that decision my friend. There is no easy answer; this is a terrible time for you. Give her all the cuddles and love - she will tell you.  God bless, Panny. Love you lots ♥️
 
Jukka: I am so sorry for the pain you both are going through. These situations in life are those in which being responsible is almost unbearable. Much love ❤️
 
Panayiota: Yes Jukka, you hit the nail on the head. I could pull her through this time, as I've done before (although it's never been this bad before)... but there will still be the next time... and the next... so, I'm struggling... it's a real dilemma... what is the responsible choice... (what's about her needs... what's about my extreme fear of losing her)... “Do I have her put down, or… prolong her life?”, because when she is happy in-between, she's happy enough and even still has puppy moments when she’s well, where she dances in circles when she's hungry and I’m coming towards her with her bowl of food.  I hate making this choice... it's hurting so much... too much! But when it comes to true love... it's her that must come first... not me and my broken emotions over it all... I have to put her first... but still thinking about it.  She won't eat this morning, but she did just lap up some chicken stock... Oh man... I've got such a headache!
 
Jukka: I wish I could help you. Whatever you do comes from a loving heart. She knows that, he is wise. Please try to get some rest, some detachment and perspective. There is meaning to be found, even in this heart-breaking situation. As I just read somewhere, sometimes the meaning stands out from the background and you just see it. Sometimes you have to be open and attentive to see it.
 
Helen: So sorry Pannie-Pie, my heart goes out to you. Only you can decide what to do with poor Mrs. Poppy Peanut. Love and hugs ❤
 
Brie: Auntie Pan, we are praying and thinking about you! We love you so much and Mrs. Poppy. Hugs!💔💔💔
 
I registered to do a Sacred Dying Doula course recently, and so, in my desperation, I contacted the course leader to ask her what she would do.  She said that it would be best to let Mrs. Poppy Peanut go.  I guess I knew that already, but just needed to hear that from someone else so that I didn’t have to feel so broken about making the decision on my own. 
 
I wrote later… 
Poppy Peanut was walking a little this morning and even wagging her tail when I talked to her. She only managed to drink two small portions of chicken stock, but is refusing food...laying down weakly all the time... next to me... she wants to be close to me... I think she might die quietly in the night if I keep her here. There are no signs of much life... if I call she lifts her head and stares me in the eye for a few moment, otherwise she's just lying there... no strained breathing... nothing... just totally wiped out. I've just asked if my youngest son can try get off of work so we can take her to her peace-sleep 😭 I keep stroking her and telling her how much I love her and thanking her for all the gentle and unconditional love she's given to me over the years (my Sacred Dying Doula trainer also suggested that I do this)... My head is splitting so sore from the stress and crying all day... it's her time... the decision is made... I'm totally heartbroken... Thank you to all who have walked with me on this one... I needed you... thank you so much for your understanding love… I love you all.

Picture by Marihet Hamman
 
My youngest son had not gotten back to me yet… I took Poppy out for a wee.  She did a big one again, so I felt she was doing okay as far as water hydration went, although I was a little worried about her electrolyte balance after all the vomiting… I believed it was what was causing her to be so weak.  The strange thing was, that when I put her down outside, she walked around normally, sniffing the ground.  I felt confused and unsure about how ill she really was, but my intuition told me she was very ill… she had, had enough… it was her time… I could not put it off another moment… I loved her too much to cause her to suffer anymore.
 
Not knowing if my son was going to come or not, I felt helpless… I lay on the floor next to Poppy who I had encouraged to go lie on her big pillow next to my bed when she came in.  Her back was against my chest and I felt us breathing together.  She was so relaxed, but also so happy to have me lying next to her on her pillow.
 
I kept bursting into tears… as I’d done all day anyway, but now I could hear my real crying voice… not the one that is always trapped and wailing on the dungeon walls inside.  That’s Patty’s trapped voice… she was never allowed to cry with a voice… mother would beat her until she shut up completely… so for Patty, only tears can escape, but no crying voice. 
 
It’s not often I hear my own crying voice… it’s foreign to me… I have decided that it is definitely Patricia’s voice… Patricia must have found a way to cry out aloud… maybe when she was alone in the stables with the horses or when being raped by her stepfather… maybe she heard her own voice then… but I am certain, it was Patricia’s voice I heard whilst lying next to Poppy. 
 
I kept trying to stop it, because I didn’t want to upset Poppy… so I’d speak to her sweetly, telling her I love her so much and thanking her for her love… and all the while, she was stretching her little face back into mine and nuzzling my face with hers… something she always did when she was feeling totally content and secure in my love… usually in the evenings when I stopped work and went to sit with her on my lap in the lounge.  She was behaving so “normal and well” while I lay next to her, just stroking her and the two of us absorbing as much love together as we could.
 
Next thing, my phone rang… it was my youngest son at the gate… he’d arrived unexpectedly and the inevitable was about to happen.
 
 
Tender Mercies and comforting Miracles
I left Poppy on her pillow to go and open the gate for my son… when I turned around outside, Poppy was right there behind me, ready to greet my son with her wagging tail.  I was stunned… how would he ever believe me that she had shown so little signs of life all day long.  But we both remembered how the same thing had happened when we took Mr. Dudley Peanut to the Vet to be put down when it was his time to leave us… as he was going out of the door that day, he was suddenly looking as healthy as can be…
 
Was this Heaven’s blessings to help us through these horrible times… I had to believe it was, because it was the same thing that happened with Dudley that was happening with Poppy now.  We nearly changed our minds, but we agreed that we could not put her through what she had been through already, ever again... we knew that it was her time and we had to let her go...
 
I feel so relieved to know that she will never have to suffer like that again… it was the hardest decision ever, but I believe it was the right one for her...
 
Before leaving the house to go to the Vet, I took a rescue tablet and a panado, because my head was throbbing so very sore! 

​Angel Wings
I climbed into the car… my head pounding painfully… my heart tearing apart even more… My son picked Poppy up off of the lawn where she was sniffing the grass and put her on my lap and drove us to the Vet.  

As we traveled towards the Vet, a short distance from our home, a car drove in front of us all the way, and my son and I were both touched to see a picture of angel wings stuck on their back window… Under the picture was written:  In memory of my loving son.  I don’t know what it was about that, but we took it as a sign that we were not alone with our pain… someone else shared the pain of loss with us, they would understand.  Heaven sent us this sign to comfort us… I will never forget those angel wings… not the same as the picture I’ve shared, but that doesn’t matter… It was that beautiful moment in time… a light shining in the darkness of our pain that will always count most.  Heaven was with us.
 
Goodbye Mrs. Poppy Peanut
When we arrived at the Vet, I was losing it completely, because my sadness was so deep and I was crying so much… I could not keep my crying voice in… my head felt as though it would explode… The receptionist and a mother and daughter client inside, were so kind and helped me to stay reasonably calm, but the tears kept flowing and continued to sob quietly.  I can’t remember anything they said, other than, that “The dog-owner is often filled with guilt when they bring their dog to be put down…” I wasn’t feeling guilty at all, so I remembered that.  I remember the mother coming and putting her hand on my shoulder to comfort me… A man came through with his son and a dog… I think… I can’t remember seeing a dog, but there must have been… and he said something kind to me.  I felt comforted by his words… but I don’t remember what he said.  My son thinks he said, “All dogs go to Heaven”…
 
Through his quiet tears, my son Andrew commented… “Shew mom, your toes are blue!”… I looked down… they were indeed.  I guess the upset and sobbing was depleting my oxygen… I wasn’t breathing properly… 
 
Poppy lay between my youngest son and I, looking around as if interested in all the goings on… The Vet came to take Poppy to prep her for her final injection… I wasn’t happy to be separated from her, but he explained that it was better for both the owner and the dog… then he called us in. 
 
She was standing quietly on the table… I wrapped left arm under her chin and around her, pulling her against my chest and the other arm stroking her head and back while I did my best to reassure her that she was safe and not alone.  Tears streaming down my cheeks, I KNEW that I was doing the right thing for Poppy… my youngest son stood right next to me… he had been crying also.  The Vet leaned forward and injected into the thing he’d put into her leg earlier… I couldn’t see what he was doing… thank Heavens… it happened so fast… she just lay down in my arms so peacefully and fell asleep.  It was done so gently… so right… I asked him if it was over and when he said yes, I thanked him with such a deep and overwhelming sense of gratitude (and a bucket of tears)… he shook our hands and then gently took Poppy in his hands.
 
Poppy went to sleep tonight, and she is no longer suffering... of course, I'm heartbroken, but it was harder to see her suffering than it will be to learn to live without her... I believe I will see her again.
 
Some comments (there were many, but this post is already too long so I’m only posting a few)
 
Brie: I'm so sorry! Love you Auntie. 😢😢
 
Vee: Aw my friend, my heart breaks for you 😭 it's one of the hardest things in the world to say goodbye to a fur kid 😭 please stay with her till the end, if you can. Best for her to go in your presence, it's incredibly difficult for an owner but she gave so much love and loyalty for so many years, please try not to let her go alone. Sending big hugs and strongs 💖
 
Panayiota: I stayed with her dearest Vee... it was so healing for me to do so... one of the bravest things I ever did and I'm so grateful now that I did. It's the first time ever that I found the courage to do that.  She fell asleep in my arms so peacefully... she knew she was loved and protected right until the very end… Lots of love to you
 
Vee: Panayiota, so sorry for your loss 💔 you are a wonderful person, so glad she went on her way in your loving arms ❤️ love you always 💖
 
Mrs. Poppy Peanut was my constant companion and my most valued daily source of unconditional love… and now she was gone… UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN 💖
 
To be continued…
 
~ Panayiota