31 August 2015

Some days, like today, I am just too busy with work and counselling to share on here.  On days like this, I will always try to post either a poem or quote, an interesting link or something else.  I'm also going to start including the date in my posts, because I see that Weebly sometimes swaps my posts around... (maybe that's because of something I am doing wrong), but the post I posted yesterday on the 30 August has the 1 September's date on it... ???  Weird! 

To everyone who is taking the time to read my blog posts, thank you.  I don't get to see who is and who isn't reading unless you write to me via contacts or on my connected Facebook or Twitter links, so I'm grateful for the wonderful and uplifting letters I have received so far and I'm grateful to know that I have been able to inspire you through my writings here... it's good to know I am making a difference and that my life was meant for this... even to be there for you in some small way... thank you for giving me this gift of "you" to my life also.

On Thursday 27th I presented to a group of Logotherapy Advance course students at the university.  What a great day it was for me.  The acceptance and love I feel within the group is so strengthening to me, and thus allows me to overcome emotional obstacles and to rise up to my full potential in the moment.  A little stammering and losing my place at times, but I was still able to deliver my presentation (do what I went there to do), and I thoroughly enjoyed doing so. 

My work was received very well and that was a huge relief I must say.  When I am doing something for the first time, I am always worried that it might not be something interesting to others and that my own excitement about it might be proven silly!  Lacking confidence is not an easy thing to push through when facing something as demanding of someone like myself as standing up in front of others to present. 

I am in awe every time, that I could actually do it, even though I’ve now presented a number of times here and overseas!  Every time I am drained before I even get there... lack sleep... anticipatory anxiety... constant adrenaline overload... extreme exhaustion... and by the time it’s all over it takes me a day or two to recover from the build-up stress of it all as well as the overwhelming feelings of achievement and excitement that comes with knowing... I DID IT! 

I still find my own growth since I turned 50 surreal!  It’s hard for me to believe how far I have come! Prior to my 50’s, I often fantasised over escaping... dying just so that I didn’t have to feel and be so weak and sad anymore.  I had such a miserable existence that sleep tried to draw me away from reality relentlessly... the “deep sleep” I called it!  Living and “choosing life” was a constant battle for me!  My children were the only reason I succeeded.  My love and sense of responsibility towards them was far more powerful than my will to forever disappear into oblivion.

Our lives can be so filled with amazing surprises if we only give it a chance.  It can have the most incredible, unpredictable twists and turns... I would never have expected in a million years, that my life could have changed so much, or that I could feel this free of the many burdens that used to keep me down all the time! 

Why did it need to take 50 years for me to find out that there was more?  Could I not have realised these realities and all the potentials and possibilities lying dormant in me before?   

It just goes to show... it’s NEVER too late!
Hold onto hope and NEVER-EVER give up!

TOMORROWS SUN
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Oh thoughts of death – BE GONE!
What power you have,
To fill my heart with fear
And nightmares of the grave.

BE GONE! BE GONE!
You have no right to stay
And cause me so much dread,
Just GO AWAY!

For I intend to live
For many years to come…
Darkness, GO AWAY!
And bring me back the sun.

The glorious sun of hope and faith
That tomorrow will be grand,
Let me live to serve Thee Lord…
Please heal me with Thy Hand.

(28th November 1999)

I’m so grateful to be alive today,
~ Pana

THE JOURNEY YOU KNEW
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No matter how deep your troubles are buried
No matter the terrible memories ferried
Across the turbulent and muddy waters of life
That wash over the stony islands of toil and strife
No matter the clouds of deep despair
Where there was no love and there was no care
No matter the winds, merciless and strong
That blew you off course and smothered your dream song
No matter the lightening that rent you in two
Or the thunder that always shouted abuses at you
No matter the dark forests of “Nobody Cares”
Where the thick fog of judgment is filled with blank stares
No matter the mountains so hard to climb
Where you slip and you slide down time after time

No matter!  No matter, for life must go on
So you need never stop trying new words for your song
And someday you will sing it, completed and true
Because you endured - The Journey You Knew.

 (23 February 2003)

Keep Moving On
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It’s very hard to be alive in this cruel and lonely world
I wonder what it would be like if I was already cured
Would I be able to stop worrying about what people think of me
And be at peace and have more hope for all the world to see
If I could only speak in crowds, just think of the good I could do
Where will I find the courage or the strength to get me through
I must not give up!  I have to try!  I have to keep moving on
I have so much to live for now and a place where belong

(27th March, 2011)

Somehow, I did manage to go on regardless of the struggle I had with my recent past.  I can only put it down to the truth, that having true purpose and meaning in my life was a very powerful and motivating force that kept me moving forward.

I remember the last day of the third year or my Logotherapy studies at the end of 2011, when I was to do my exam workshop presentation; I arrived at the university, petrified!  This would be the first time I would have to stand up in front of my class to present the results of my years’ work.  

I had always been  nervous in class, so much so, that I’d often arrive in tears, so unconfident I was in my ‘self’... after all, who was I to be attending a university with all these ‘cleverer-than-me’ people!  I could never succeed... I could never match up to ‘them’... I was an idiot... my abuser’s idiot... my mother’s idiot!  So strong where the script messages from my past, that I still believed them, even in my 50’s!  

So, it was very hard for me to make the decision to get up that morning on the 22nd November 2011, the day before my 55th birthday.  I had hardly slept the night before I worried so much about how I was going to be able to do my presentation with all those other students and trainers staring at me... expecting something from me... expecting intelligence from me... how would I be able to do it!

As I climbed the university steps leading to the entrance of the building, I may as well have been walking on another planet, the gravity felt so strong that I could hardly lift my legs due to the weight of my fears.  And then there was that long corridor to my classroom.  I don’t remember too much more. I remember entering the classroom aware of others in there... my supervisor Henry, coming to take the disc from me so that he could set up... I remember wanting to run, but telling myself, “You’ve come this far and you’ve worked so hard, you must see this through now!”  Then I remember vaguely doing my presentation.  I had prepared very well and with my artistic abilities and computer skills, I was told that my presentation was beautifully done, which gave me some confidence in sharing it that day.  I had pictures on it and animations and had put a lot of love into it.

The only other thing I remember about that day was all the clapping afterwards, like even a standing ovation... haahaaahaa!!!... and hearing my top supervisor’s voice exclaiming, “This is going to Israel!” 

Teria, our course director invited me to present my work in Israel on a two week holiday!  My life was about to change once again, forever.  

“Frankl contends that our will to meaning is the distinguishing feature of our humanness and that it is deeper and more powerful than any other kind of motivation.  ‘It is a characteristic constituent of human existence that it transcends itself, that it reaches out for something other than itself’ (Frankl 1969:51)”
(Shantall 2003:37) ~ The Quest for Destiny  

“Frankl (1967) contended that it is indispensable to mental well-being to experience the tension between how things are at the moment and what they could or should or promise to be like; to experience the tension between being and meaning, that is, “meanings to fulfil or values to realize”” (Shantall 2002:19) ~  Life’s Meaning in the Face of Suffering

Since that incredible “mountain top” day when I presented for the very first time to my study group, I have presented to numerous other groups all over.  Presenting in Israel to two groups, and in Dallas Texas for the Logotherapy World Congress, was truly an “impossible dream” come true for me... proving that no matter how convinced we are of the impossible... it can still become possible... we just need to believe in “LIFE” enough to give “ourselves” a chance... take those courageous steps forward, even way outside of our comfort zone to do what we never thought possible... to become who we were always meant to be... to do what we were always meant to do.  What a surprise my life has become in my 50’s... I’m still in awe of all the positive changes and opportunities I have been given and continue to be given!

Tomorrow, Thursday 27th August, I once again stand up in front of a group to present to them on a subject I am so very fired up about “Logotherapy Dream Interpretation”... I will be adding a new dimension to it by discussing the “daydream worlds” of child abuse victims and survivors.  Because it’s a little used or known subject, I go with a little trepidation that it might not be understood or received with the passion that I feel about it and wish to put across to all there.  Old fears are niggling at my mind... lack of confidence... and the ugly, negative voices from my past still trying to put me down...

Well guess what... I won’t let “them” win anymore... I BELIEVE in what I am going to present tomorrow, and I believe in it enough to take the chance on “just arriving” to deliver what has become so meaningful to me... I’m ok with that and still moving forward...

~ Pana

With every fibre of my being, I became totally and utterly absorbed in each of the Logotherapy learning courses. 

Due to my shattered trust in the world, it was just what I needed.  I loved the work so very much and spent my hours at home reading, researching and thinking about how to answer the questions.  During that time, as my supervisor explained to me, I was ‘unloading’... and I was!  I produced copious amounts of written “stuff” that had been locked up inside of me for years.  

For the first time in my life, I felt as though I really had a voice to speak (in writing) about whatever I wanted to speak about as I answered the deeply thought provoking study questions.  I wrote and wrote and wrote... far more than the task requirements, yet my supervisor remained very patient with me and read every word of my portfolios, commenting on every page, which made me feel heard, understood and acknowledged... something I was sorely in need of at the time.

When I poured out my heart to my supervisor about how I still struggled greatly with what happened in therapy, she insisted that I did not need further therapy than what I’d already experienced throughout my life... that there was nothing more that any therapist could do for me.  She instead, gave the example of the Holocaust survivors and how many had to learn how to just get on with their lives after their release from their horrendous concentration camp experiences—tucking away the horrors whilst going on with their lives as courageously and normally as they possibly could.  They would not have survived otherwise.  

In defiant rebellion over the idea of “letting go” of any hope of being rescued by “somebody else”, yet knowing deep down that my supervisor was right, I wrote the following poem:


TUCKING AWAY THE FEAR, THE PAIN AND THE ANGER!
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Do NOT express it!  Go on!  Go on
Hold it all in!  Quieten that sad song
Do NOT express it!  Do NOT cry out
Do NOT argue!  Do NOT shout

Tuck it away!  Go on!  Go on
Who can hear your mournful song
Alone you must find a way out of ‘that place’
To discover your true self!  To see your own face

Who can help you, or dry those tears
Alone you must conquer your own bitter fears
Find your own strength!  YOU MUST!  YOU MUST!
Search your own light, for ‘IN YOU’, you must trust

Move forward!  Climb high! Never give in
Hold tightly God’s hand!  ‘Life’s’ between you and Him
Grasp your ‘life’s meaning’ – ‘life’s purpose’ for you
It’s all that is left!  It’s what you MUST DO

Try to believe ‘it’ and never let go
If it’s meant to be, then it WILL be so
When you defiantly stand for ‘YOUR GOOD AND YOUR TRUE’
Then nothing can stop ‘that course’ meant for you

You are unique and so is your work
So do not abandon it and do not shirk
The world is waiting for what you can give
Sharing your purpose is the true way to ‘LIVE’

Keep moving forward
Life’s blessings will come
Emerge from the darkness
Enter the sun

(Tuesday, 26 October 2010)
 

“Something meaningful draws us out of ourselves – it enlarges our vision, enriches us and causes us to grow: to become bigger and better than we are.  Frankl quoted Goethe as saying:  “If we take a man as he is, we make him worse; but if we take him as he ought to be, we help him become it”” (Shantall 2002:19) ~ Life’s Meaning in the Face of Suffering
 

At first I thought my supervisor was being cruel and heartless to suggest that I no longer needed therapy, but today I know without a doubt that she was right.  She saw potential and strength in me that I had never yet dared to see in myself in all those years I had been going to therapy, expecting the therapist to have the answers for my healing and my life... and all that time, the answers were already there... in me... they always had been.

A simple prayer, buried in one of the most boring (to me) chapters of the bible, became the prayer of my soul from that day forth...

1 Chronicles 4:9-10King James Version (KJV)
9 And Jabez was more honourable than his brethren: and his mother called his name Jabez, saying, Because I bare him with sorrow.

10 And Jabez called on the God of Israel, saying, Oh that thou wouldest bless me indeed, and enlarge my coast, and that thine hand might be with me, and that thou wouldest keep me from evil, that it may not grieve me! And God granted him that which he requested.

Eternal gratitude
~ Pana

ABUSER
WHEN YOU TOOK AWAY MY TRUST!
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You sexually and verbally abused me, and beat me broken!
You took away every possession I had!
And sent away everyone I loved!
You starved me emotionally!
And took away my dignity!
Humiliated me!
And left me crying in the cold darkness of ‘your’ ugly deeds!
Yet somehow, I was still able to endure it all and more!
I was still able to rise up each time and continue on!

But when you took away my trust in my fellow man,
I became a lost and wondering soul!
In the bitter cold world you had created for me to live in…

UTTERLY ALONE!
FEELING REJECTED!
UNACCEPTED!
JUDGED!
EXPOSED!
AND SO SAD!

(02 February 2008)

“One is not a helpless victim of one’s drives, of one’s environment and of one’s circumstances:  One is endowed with the noëtic faculty:  one has the human capacity to take a stand against one’s “fate” (poverty, negative influences from our childhood, etc).. Even when one is suffering from physical – or even psychological – illnesses, the noös (q.v)., one’s spirit , stays virtually intact, and the ability to choose one’s attitude (q.v). remains” (Havenga Coetzer 2003:29-30) ~ Viktor Frankl’s Avenues to Meaning

“Moreover, human beings not only have a deep need to find a meaning, they have the power to take a stand against their circumstances, their “fate”.  This power belongs to all of us, and Frankl calls it the Defiant Power of the Human Spirit (q.v.)” (Havenga Coetzer 2003:30) ~ Viktor Frankl’s Avenues to Meaning

***

Soon after I had resigned from my job and had walked out on my therapy because I realised it was doing more harm than good due to the transference and countertransference that had occurred, I was now sitting at home (26th January 2010) in a wretched state of despair with nothing but my last salary in my bank account.  I was still hurting myself, but very rarely now.  I was somehow finding the strength to “Just stop it!”, even though the urge to hurt myself was so incredibly strong and even though the hurting was the only way I had of preventing even worse...suicide! 

I FELL BACK INTO MY DUNGEON!
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I fell back into my dungeon!
Flat on my face!
Sprawled out all over!
A disgusting disgrace!
It’s dark and it’s dank
And cold to the bone!
I cannot bear it,
But I’ve lost my way home!

(31 January 2009)

Later in the month of February 2010, still with suicidal thoughts rampaging through my mind, I came so close to “doing it!”  I sat there in a fit of tears, thinking about how worthless my miserable existence had become since my children had grown up, with my two eldest sons having left home already, and I knew that my only daughter would leave soon too... a thought that seemed too painful for me to bear.  I had struggled so much with ‘empty nest syndrome’ already that at times I thought I’d die of heartache without my children who were a huge strength to me during their growing up years at home with me. 

THE GROWN UP SEA!
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How I’m craving for those loving hugs again
The way they used to be,
It seems as though we’re drifting apart
On the currents of the ‘Grown Up Sea’.
I frantically reach to pull you back,
But it’s never quite the same,
For the winds of change keep blowing
And they’re too strong for me to tame.
Where are my little babies
Who used to sail willingly with me?
I felt so loved and needed then,
My nurturing heart sailed free.
But now I’m bound by the troubled tides,
For my babies are no longer small,
A mother’s song upon the breeze
Blows the waves that call for more.
How I long to hold my babies once more
Upon that gently rocking sea,
Being your mother was a glorious ship,
Designed especially for me.
But to see you drifting further each day
Has caused my dream ship to fade,
And the storm is beating mightily,
Upon the raft where I’m now laid.

(12 June 2002)

So now, my situation felt hopeless!  Having lost trust in my whole world once again and feeling too broken and weak to contemplate going out to work ever again.  With no one to talk to about my unhappiness at the time, (knowing that I’d never trust my heart and mind with a therapist again), I tried to grasp onto the last threads of my life as I thought about what “force” might be powerful enough on that day, to give my life enough meaning and the “will to live” that I so desperately needed if I was to get through that day to go on with my life.

Logotherapy
I had been given a few Logotherapy inspired handouts during my therapy which had proved so meaningful to me... 

Suddenly I knew that if I could study Logotherapy it would give me the will to meaning and the will to life that I was so sorely in need of right then.

In a desperate attempt to grasp onto the last vestiges of my life, and without any rational thought whatsoever about how I was going to pay for studies or survive without money in the bank, I phoned the university to ask about the Logotherapy courses.  A lady answered the phone and I heard the words, “This is the last day for registrations to the introductory course in Logotherapy.  If you deposit the full fee of R4000 into the bank today, I will still be able to register you”.

Well, that was it!  With my pulse racing, excited... with new found will, (swollen eyed and worn out from all the crying earlier) I dashed off to my bank to transfer the money into the account details that had been e-mailed to me, and from that moment on, my life has changed forever.

That evening, I wrote to my sister to tell her what I’d done.  I told her that I had no clue how I was going to survive, because the course registration fee was exactly what I had left in my bank account, but that somehow I felt so strongly that I’d done the right thing and I was feeling very excited.

It was meant to be
My sister wrote back, delighted at the ‘life choice’ I had made, and with her letter came the most incredible news... “We will sponsor you, R3000 a month for the duration of your studies”.  I was in awe at my sudden good fortune... to me, a true Miracle!  One minute I was at the very end of my rope, and now, I had been offered an olive branch for a promising future... for life.

Nothing has ever been the same since that incredible day where the darkness of my existence was cast out within a matter of a few short hours, and the light of real hope was at last turned on for me.

I PERSEVERED AND DARED
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I spent my life a slave to those who went before,
The masters of my destiny, though they exist to me no more!
They were there relentlessly, trying to destroy what was left of me
Whipping and stripping me bare, for the entire world to see!

And I could not hide from such guilt and shame!
While they roamed on free and I carried ‘their’ loads of blame!
They could not see my pain – they could not hear my cries!
For they had blocked their ears, and they had closed their eyes!

I remained their slave throughout all my years,
Trying to please them continuously, yet always in tears!
And sometimes it seemed to me that no one loved me - no one cared,
But I never gave up on trying... I persevered and dared!

(26th Feb 2009)

***

“Frankl says: Despair is suffering without meaning.  If one could see a meaning in one’s suffering, there is no despair!” (Havenga Coetzer 2003:33) ~ Viktor Frankl’s Avenues to Meaning

“Like iron filings in a magnetic field, man’s life is put in order through his orientation toward meaning.  Thereby a field of tension is established between what man is and what he ought to do.  In this field existential dynamics is operating.  By this dynamics man is pulled rather than pushed” (Frankl 1968:21) ~ Psychotherapy and Existentialism

Thank you
~ Pana

I lived (if you can call it living) my first 50 years mostly in my broken child personality and pretty much disabled, accepting abuse and misery as if it was meant to be... “My lot”... believing I had no power over it, I somehow gave into it.

Then by some Miracle I discovered Logotherapy which I studied and continue to study in great depth and as a result, my whole life has changed so much in my 50's that I now live in awe at all the possibilities that exist day by day for me to be truly happy for the first time in my life.

If only I could share with everyone out there what I have come to know and cherish so much, for the strength, courage and will to live and succeed that it has given me.  Logotherapy has given me the opportunity to shine in my uniqueness, and so I have progressed and continue to progress and I truly love this journey I am now on.  Still I have flashback triggers, fears, tears and insecurities, but I have learned how to rise above them continually; to Logotherapeutically take responsibility and action for the sake of my life, my attitudes, my choices and my behaviours and to keep on keeping on through, and in spite of it all.  

I have learned that nobody else can rescue me from my “broken self”, but me and only me.  Being loved and accepted by the world helps a whole lot, but even without the love and acceptance of the world, I understand now that I stand alone on my quest for healing... this is my life-work... my responsibility... and I now believe for the first time in my life, it can be done!  “COURAGE COMES IN CANS, NOT CANT’S”

It's a beautiful thing indeed to have discovered that all things are possible beyond the pain and horrors of the past I suffered, and even the struggles that still exist in me; and if "this" has been possible for me, then I have no doubt that it is also possible for everyone out there who know struggle and suffering too.  

Recently I was called on to present in front of two groups at the university... something I would NEVER have believed I could ever have been able to do!  Before my Logotherapy study journey began, I could not even look myself in a mirror, leave lone stand up in front of people to talk!  But I did not run from this new opportunity or my ever-present fears... I just "ARRIVED", and although I stammered unconfidently at times, I was still able to present what I came to do and walked away knowing that once again, I had done something I once believed was impossible, and although I knew I didn’t do a perfect job of it, I was proud of  myself for at least trying and for ending up doing a “good enough” job of it!  


I’VE ARRIVED!
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I’ve arrived at the place I was born to ‘BE’,
I’ve arrived at that place that was destined for me!
This is the person I was meant to be,
Now is my time to be truly happy!

I’ve arrived!  I’ve arrived at the open door,
To the rest of my life, with so much more in store!
I can’t see the road yet, but I know it feels right,
In the distance I see the loveliest bright light!

All the years of my past that are finally gone,
Though filled with sore trials, did more good than harm!
They strengthened my heart, my mind and my soul,
And helped me to reach this wonderful goal!

I’ve arrived, and the future will prove who I am,
No longer a life where I was judged as a sham!
I’ve risen so bravely; I’ve won the ‘Good Fight’
The darkness now fades, as enters the light!

I’VE ARRIVED!

(27 February 2007)

 
The gratitude I feel for every opportunity that I am given to face my fears and grow and heal through all the experiences is overwhelming to say the least.  Thank you to all the Logotherapy Introductory, Intermediate, Advanced and Diplomate course students and trainers for allowing me to “BE”... authentic me... so that I can have an opportunity to pass on the goodness that I very much believe in, to you, in a wonderful process where I continue to grow and learn so much... from YOU.

I am no longer afraid of my lack of confidence and stammering, blushing, etc., and I no longer have to hide away from the world because of it!  I no longer have to wear a mask... I am "me" (even a stammering, blushing and sometimes tearful me), and I try to do my best in my own unique capacity and callings in life, to actively keep on accepting the opportunities given to me by “LIFE”, so that I can grow more and more, to do what I came to this world to do, and to be who I was always mean to be...

I am no longer the dithering, useless, idiot child of my past abusers, but rather I try always to work at being a courageous woman, standing up to this world with my head held high and giving of my true self, with whatever “I have to give” in any one moment in time. 

Without doubt, my past still gets in the way of my progress at times (many times) and lack of trust in the world is a huge issue that I’m always working on, but neither is going to stop me from my “forward march” and “upward climb” anymore, no matter how many obstacles I struggle to negotiate along the way, or how many times I slip back... I will always do my best to get up and just “keep on keeping on”, no matter what!  “ONWARDS AND UPWARDS!” as my sister always says to me.

It is my quest, to give back from the experience and love of my heart to the world where I believe that there are many other's waiting to receive my portion of whatever I am able to give that might help them to also find their true selves and their freedom to live their lives authentically, as I have been helped to find my freedom through the guidance of my mentors and good friends throughout my life, and through my wonderful trainers during my studies.  

Like the ripples on a pond, so the world within and without becomes a more beautiful place to experience and live... moment by moment... day by day... one step at a time... one struggle at a time... one person at a time...  

Thank you for your part in my life... good or bad, I have learned so much and continue to learn so much, and have grown through it all.  My gratitude knows no bounds!
 

“If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain; If I can ease one life the aching, Or cool one pain, Or help one fainting robin Into his nest again, I shall not live in vain” ~ Emily Dickinson
 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAX6jjGwOWI

As a result of a lifetime of abuses starting in my early childhood as well as many agonising losses and painful relationships including further abuse experiences in my adulthood, I was a broken woman existing very much in my child personality for most of my adult life.  I had seen many therapists during my lifetime, but none were able to pinpoint my struggles to help me in any way. 

In 2006, the year I was to turn 50, I was a total mess and had lost all interest in living.  A dear friend, Emmy, introduced me to a “good therapist”, a social worker in private practice... and so my journey to healing began at last. 

My therapy journey was a very difficult one, fraught with flashbacks and a new kind of deep suffering and struggle, yet at the same time, a huge awakening for me of what my lifetime of struggles had always been about... where they had all started and why I was the way I was. 

By facing these truths, I had an understanding and a real reason for the first time in my life, to FACE the “true brokenness” of me.  I had barely ever looked myself in the mirror over all those years, I so loathed myself, just as my abusers had taught me to through their cruel and heartless treatment of me... but now, on this therapy journey, it was as if a mirror to my own behaviours and reactions to triggers stood in front of me at all times, revealing to me who I had become as a result of “THEM”!  As a result of the Power over me that “I” continued to give to them!  I was still their victim!

Working for my therapist as her receptionist over a four year period, she became “my mirror”.  Although working for one’s therapist is not the ideal situation, I would never have had it any other way, because without constantly being shown what I was doing over and over and over again, I would never have understood the true gravity of it all, or the debilitating effect it was having on my life and the lives of those around me.  Sadly though, around the second year of therapy, due to the very close and intense therapeutic relationship, transference and countertransference gradually started to set in and slowly ate away at what had started out as a truly healing therapeutic experience.   

As things once again started to crumble and fall in my life, I found myself gradually being pushed down... deeper and deeper, back into my dungeon of childhood confusion and complete and utter despair.  I started to self-injure regularly in an attempt to quell the extreme anxiety, self-loathing and guilt that again rose to the surface in me.  Once again back to the feelings of the broken and victimised child I used to be... the child who could never do anything right for her mother or stepfather... the child who was to blame for everything that ever went wrong... the child who could not “fix” the problems and make her abusers happy.

And so in my deep emotional turmoil and struggle, I hurt myself over and over, until at last, sometime during the fourth year of therapy, I realised as an “awakening” to my true “adult self”, that I was once again in real danger of “losing it” and realised that I had finally had enough!  Totally numb... I walked out of a therapy session that horrible day, never to return.   

This was the first time I had ever taken a real stand in the face of abuse, to protect myself from it all.  That day marked a pivotal point for taking responsibility over my own life and a chance to make a decision between life over death in the face of yet another overwhelming loss that seemed far too painful to bear.

Of course my struggle didn’t end that day... I was still entrapped in that dark and miserable state for some time to come, but more about that another time.

POEM: One bitter night on the 25 July 2008, unable to sleep due to the extreme anxiety I was experiencing as things were becoming increasingly uneasy in the therapeutic relationship I wrote the following: 

THIS IS MY PLACE – MY ONLY HOPE

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This is my room – my place of honour,
My place to let “it” all out – to mourn and cry,
To scream and shout – this is my place!
My place of utter shame – to face my guilt!
To relieve my trapped and bitter fears!
To realise my twisted perceptions – to find a way to set it all right!
To have exposed – all I ever understood about the world I know,
The way I am – the way I have been!
This is my place – where I can share my weakest thoughts and deeds,
To feel a certain freedom at last,
To allow myself to be stripped naked to the bone – again!
To be broken down to the smallest parts of my existence,
Sliced through all my stubborn resistance,
To face the self-defeating destruction of my own behaviour!
How I have tried to fit in – and why I have not!
To face the reasons “WHY!”
To discover the need to change!
To face the difficulties of, “HOW?”
No matter how much I protest!
No matter how painful or hard the journey might be!
This is my only hope – to grasp,
How “I” should be – How “I” could be!
To face my “truths”, and find a way to rid myself of all the “lies!”
To see the world with brand new eyes,
To hear with brand new ears.
To untangle the utter chaos of my past!
The mass of binding chains and confusion!
To undo all the bitter knots that have held me bound for so long!
This is my place to search in hope,
To find a new and better path,
To escape the darkness of my dreadful past,

This is my Place!
This is my only hope!
My only chance!

Please don’t give up on me!

***

All my life I was looking to be rescued... when all along, I was quite capable of rescuing myself, but did not know it yet.  I had invested all my hopes of healing on others, and still in the crumbling therapeutic relationship I clung to the need for the therapist to “fix me”.  I was totally unaware at the time that I already possessed all the tools for self-healing buried deep within myself, I just needed help to realise that they existed and to learn how to use them.  My study of Logotherapy has been teaching me how to do this and I have come so far on my healing journey in such a short space of time as a result that I, and many who knew my struggles before can hardly believe the amazing changes, for which I am so very grateful. 

This is the reason I want to give back to the world and share what I know with others out there ~ Pana

Judgements, betrayals and great losses always seem to find me no matter what.  I cannot let them destroy me or hold me back anymore.  I cannot let them stop me from “dreaming my impossible dreams”...

I’ve seen that the impossible can become possible and I have to keep believing that “I’m possible”.  So many of my dreams have already come true... I have been beating the odds of my past struggles, and even the odds of present struggles bit by bit all of my life.  I even survived an abortion attempt on my life before I was born! 

Who says I can’t live long enough and strong enough to make all my dreams come true in the end... even if those I love and need in my life do not love me or need me in theirs also. 

I am so grateful for those who have stood by me unfailingly for so many years... without question... without doubt...

There is so much strength in the giving, receiving of and believing in “unconditional love”... I am so grateful for my portion of it...

Here is a song that is extremely meaningful to me... I needed to listen to it again today... it has lifted me up as expected...

The Impossible Dream by Peter O’Tool

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6TKdQNFTiU

And here is another version of the same song which really touched my heart very deeply also.  Just as these young men in this following video experienced their moment of victory, so I believe that I will keep experiencing mine as I continue to “choose” to strive relentlessly to overcome each set-back and continue to move forward with my life without giving up no matter what.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qejVo-KA-hM

I have been beaten all my life... but I am NOT beaten yet!

Thank you ~ Pana