After a really good nights sleep last night (1/2 sleeping tablet - 8 hours) it's been such an interesting first day of lockdown... such a new way of being and listening and doing... and it's soooo quiet, except for the beautiful sound and presence of birds and the lizards that I love so much, who have gotten quite friendly and tame now. When they were hungry today, Stumpy (sort tail), came right inside our lounge to remind me to go and feed him and his friends. My youngest son was amazed, because he's not often here to see how tame they have become. I have my front yard lizard friends and my back yard lizard friends and I love them and, I love how they wait and look at me with their heads cocked as if to say, "So, are you going to feed us now or what?"

My son and I weighed ourselves this morning to see if this whole new lockdown thing is going to make a difference to our weight. I've told him that I will do all meals and snacks unless I call him to help (to prevent him from making huge messes and stuffing himself silly and often as he is very prone to doing) and that he must just ask if he's hungry or thirsty. That way we can keep order. I will call on his help when I need it, and to get him moving from time to time, and so far today he has been reasonably helpful.

Our space is very small... no real garden space or even house space to exercise in. Around 3pm we put on a Zumba video and danced (my son stood behind me, because he's tall enough to see the TV over me and it was the only way we both had space to move... 7 minutes of the dance, and we were both nearly dead from the shock to our systems, either from overdoing it, or from laughing so much, because we are so uncoordinated in trying to follow the YouTube video whilst huffing and puffing in the process... LOL! Too funny!

My son and I watched a movie together and we also just listening to "2 cellos" on YouTube... sooooo beautiful. That really touched my soul and uplifted me. I'm glad that he loves beautiful music and values the creativity and talents of others.

2 cellos - With or Without You - https://youtu.be/jNziABZJhj0

There were like 100's of WhatsApp messages coming in on my cellphone today, but I realised that people are probably a little afraid and anxious of this first day change to their normal reality, and might be for a few days, and I felt honoured that they chose me to share with... I am imagining, for comfort. Answering all the messages took up a lot of time am... but it was okay... I felt their love and shared what I could of my love in the hopes of making some difference for good.

Yesterday after two really bad nights sleep, I was depressed and anxious.  What really got to me was thinking about the people who would be stuck in their tiny shacks... I could not bear all the thougths that were going on in my head... families, children, all locked up in tiny shacks... old fold... sick folk... the loneliness... the fear... maybe even starvation... huge worries about where their next meal or money would come from... who would be there to nurture them all... to help them all through this dreadful time.  I cried and cried on the phone to my middle son... he comforted me with his wisdom and I was able to detach somewhat with my thoughts that were hurting me so much.  All I can do now is to pray for those people out there in their tiny shacks... oh how my heart breaks for them all.

Today, now that I'm no longer alone to my thoughts, with my youngest son here with me from now on, I feel like... I CAN DO THIS... in fact, I am feeling like I'm in a really good place...

I'm somehow FEELING THE LOVE and HOPE and FAITH of the whole world reaching me and I'm hoping that you ALL can feel my LOVE, HOPE and FAITH reaching you too.

WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
We’re all in this together, upon this world of ours,
We’re all in this together, sharing peace and endless sorrows.
Suffering and turmoil, the power of nature’s hand,
We’re all in this together, born to any land.
Though towns and countries are many,
There’s only one place called earth,
And we’re all in this together,
No matter what our place of birth.
If only we could strive to share and love each other,
Reaching out to uplift every sister and brother,
Whether we are strangers, whether we are friends,
We’re all in this together with each life that starts and ends.
Let us follow in the footsteps of our God who grants us life.
Let us truly love each other, to banish all pain and strife.
Let us reach out with His Kindness as we travel here together,
Let none be left alone, let us be there for each other.
For trials are a part of life, and there’s none who can escape,
We’re all in this together, no matter what our state!
Let us do for one another the good that we wish upon ourselves,
As we’re all in this together, we can bless each other’s lives.

(1st February 1997)

​I found so much comfort in the following that my mentor, Teria sent me on 25th March:

Even though Teria is a Jew, she passed this onto me this morning, knowing just what I need to breathe... It definitely helped me to breathe better <3
How great is our God? Government arranged lockdown from the 26 March 2020 and the Bible verse Isaiah 26:20 says Go home, my people and lock your doors ! Hide yourself for a little while until the Lords’s anger has passed 🙏🏻 amazing?
And further to this....
The Lord commanded a lockdown during Passover in Egypt....when the Angel of death passed over..the Israelites where protected by the blood of the lamb - Thursday the 16th of April is when Passover ends...As you all know that's when our lockdown is lifted ....21 days is the 16th🙏 Gods timing's incredible.
We are surely protected with hope and faith in the presence of Heaven at this time...so we might think it’s hard to stay home....but ....it's from God 💝🙏💝
I hope you are all coping at this time, and healthy, courageous and strong.  I'd love to hear how you are coping, and if you are not coping, you are welcome to write to me on pattyskeys@gmail.com and I will respond as soon as I possibly can.

Thank you for sharing with me,

~ with love to all at this time, Panayiota

​I have replaced the client’s name with FRIEND and edited slightly to shorten
 
7 March 2020 ~ My client from Guatemala wrote in response to my latest blog posts
What a beautiful and helpful work you are doing, I’m one of the clients who was benefits for this great work.. please feel free to share what we worked.
 
Thanks for everything
FRIEND
 
Logotherapy Dream Interpretation ~ 10 Nov 2019
 
… I was wanting to ask you something.. months ago.. I remember that you work with dreams.. It is a different dream.. it’s something strange for me.. I’m trying to discover what it means, what my unconscious want to say me, but I can’t understand it.
 
CLIENT’S DREAM
I’m living with my husband 32 years ago..  we change from our first apartment to a house 24 years ago.. I’m still living in this same house
 
But in my dreams I never see myself here, in my house, all my dreams are in my parents’ house, that I left 32 years Ago.
 
I would like to add that the dreams are always different (circumstances, people, situations etc.)  but always in the same place..
 
Thank you very much!
FRIEND
 
PANAYIOTA
… How lovely to chat with you and to see if I can assist you in understanding your dream.  I would of course need more information on a specific dream around the subject mentioned, so if you could please answer some questions for me first and please don't miss out anything, even if it seems bizarre, or totally ridiculous, or rude, odd, etc.  It does not matter what we dream about, there is always a beautiful message coming through to help us with, or advise us on, or bring reassurance or clarity to our current life circumstances (struggles we are experiencing, or questions we might be currently asking). 
 
Even if a dream seems to be about the past or future, it is nevertheless still ABOUT RIGHT NOW.  So, if you can work out for yourself what the dream is trying to tell you about right now, or trying to give you answers to right now, then you have one of the most incredible tools for healing, comfort and spiritual growth imaginable in the form of Logotherapy Dream Interpretation.  It's like personal revelation and even spiritual revelation, that comes to you from your own spiritual and conscious dimensions working together through dreams, to help you in the here and now of your life.
 
It seems to me that your dream is repeating itself, because you are still needing to receive the same meaningful message from it.  There is something in your life in the here and now, each time you have this dream.  More than likely the same need or fear, or whatever you are experiencing now, that needs to be addressed.  That needs answers for, or reassurance from your own spiritual and conscious dimensions, to you and for you.  In other words, you already have the answer/s inside of you, but you need to work out what they are... face them... believe... whatever.
 
So, what you'd need to do, is to really focus on a most recent dream.  What could it possibly be trying to tell you about NOW... about something you are experiencing... maybe some inadequacy or lack of confidence, and the dream is telling you that "you can do it"... or, "you are strong enough", etc.
 
You would have to share your most recent dream in greater detail for me to hopefully be able to help you. 
 
Think about, what is it about your parents’ house of 32 years ago, that you need in your life now.  Or what was it about their house that you are missing now, or you would like to see happening now, etc.
 
With student workshops coming up, this is a hectically busy time for me, but I will do my best…
 
CLIENT
Thank you very much my Dear Pan! You already are giving me many clues... I can’t remember my last dream details.. only the place where I’m almost always. I didn’t tell you that I can see myself as an adult in my dream..  not as a child, but the most important thing is that dream that my daddy continue alive living there.. when I read what you told.. about details, he is there as he is an alive person.. Right now, I’m having strong times.. I had a big surgery, I can’t move, have a special neck collar to limit my movements.
 
Probably I was scare about if I gonna live or not... I was needing protection.. he is always so sweet with me in my dream, just as he was when he was alive.  He died in 1999.  All of this came to my mind when I was talking about details, he is there in my dreams.. I think it’s normal to dream with him, I miss him a lot!
 
Thanks you for all your Kindness and help!! Thanks for being a lovely person, I can talk with you as you were here with me!
Many Huggs my friend…
 
PANAYIOTA
Good morning beautiful FRIEND... I imagine it is night time for you on the other side of the world as I begin my new day.
 
I'm so glad my sharing gave you some comforting clues as to how to interpret your dream.
 
Dreams are NEVER fortune telling in my experience and belief... they are just there to help you sort out current issues, bring you comfort, guide you and so much more… in the form of meaningful messages.
 
But having said that, I do believe that those who have gone on before us can appear in dreams to let us know that nothing has changed other than they are not physically with us still in the flesh... but that thy are still with us in spirit. 
 
So I think you may have now found the subconscious meaning message of your dream at this time when you are feeling perhaps a little fatherless... as though you'd love your father to be there to hold and comfort you through your difficult and painful time after your operation.
 
Your dream to me seems as though it is a dream to bring you comfort and reassurance, that you are not alone.  Your father's love has never changed from when you were a child.  That you are an adult now, but that you can still draw your strength and courage from the wonderful strengthening and comforting memories of your father's love for you, as it always was and will forever be.  That, it is because of his love when you were a child, that you can today find strength and courage to get through your present trials and sufferings.  That, his true love for you as you experienced it then... is still his nurturing and uplifting GIFT to you today.
 
You are truly blessed to have had such love from your father, that you can still hold so tightly to today.
 
Thank you for the opportunity to assist you with this reoccurring dream in which your Father's loving and caring influence still to this day is able to bring comfort, protection and healing strength to his beloved daughter.
 
I believe that just as our God in Heaven watches over us each and every day, so your own dad in Heaven, still watches over you and loves you dearly and wants you to remember that, especially when you are going through tough times.  He sees what you are facing in life and prays on your behalf to the God of Heaven.
 
All my love and humble gratitude for this sacred opportunity to share my own love and gifts with you. 
 
If I can help you in any other way, please don't hesitate to let me know.
 
Have a good sleep and I hope you will be much better soon.
 
Love,
Panayiota
 
Remember that I also help people to interpret their daydream worlds... most especially the daydream worlds of adult survivors of child abuse:  https://medium.com/@logotherapysa/some-thoughts-on-daydreams-and-logotherapy-b5c8c96be148
 
CLIENT
My dear Pan: thank you for take your time and give me many clues..
Last weeks I was worry for the surgery, as you said, probably I was need his love more than ever.  Please let me know if I can help to your foundation.. will be a pleasure!
Many hugs my dear!
FRIEND
 
PANAYIOTA
Bless you dearest FRIEND, you are so welcome.  And no, you take care of your foundation and Heaven will take care of my work as always.  I am always very blessed and wish and pray many blessings for you and your work also.
 
Hugs and love to you too and all the best of blessings for you health wise.
 
Panayiota
 
CLIENT
Ahhh my dear Pan!  Thank you very much.. you can’t imagine how I am right now.. I had a big surgery 2 weeks ago.. To receive this from you make me remember how much God love us! He takes care of us in every moment.  I’ll hope that we can meet, will give a bigggg hug ❤️
Many blessings
FRIEND
 
PANAYIOTA
Oh, I do hope we meet someday also dearest FRIEND, that will be a most wonderful day indeed.  It would be amazing to be able to come and do my presentations for you all there. 
 
 
 
Thank you for sharing this dream interpretation with my client and I.
 
~ Panayiota

Logotherapy Dream Interpretation ~ 9 March 2020

Theory on Interpretation of Dreams
(Logotherapy Immediate Workshop Manual – 2009)
 
“Dreams - can reflect hopes and wishes form the unconscious, not only repressed aggression and lust, but calls from the conscious towards meaningful behaviour.  Advice from the unconscious to the conscious.”
 
“Frankl has an expanded concept of the unconscious.  He asserts that it contains, also, repressed hopes, goals, and meanings to which dreams are royal roads.”
 
“Viktor Frankl.... sees the unconscious not only in a psychological but also in a spiritual dimension as a royal road into a much wider land.  It can lead to meaning.”
 
“Dreams may make you aware of repressed drives and traumas that are too painful to face.  But dreams may also convey advice from the conscience.  A dream interpretation from this perspective can help you to discover what is meaningful.”
 
(Because the messages in dreams are often hard to understand, because of their symbolic nature, it is often easier to elicit ideas from your client using metaphors, fantasies and imagery.)
 
MY CLIENT WROTE
Hello,
Just read your blog and loved it. You are so wise.
I can never remember my dreams but there is something that happens to me every now and then. On Saturday morning I woke up at 5.51am with my daughter calling, “Ma”, from the top of my passage. I lock my security gate at the top of my passage at night so she would not have been able to get to my bedroom. Anyway, I got out of bed, unlocked the security gate and looked for her. Walked all the way to her house and she was fast asleep. I realized that I must have dreamt her calling me. Now this often happens that I hear the word “Ma” being called but it is all in my head or a dream. At the time it happens, I think, are one of my kids in trouble and this is mother’s instinct?  But this is not the case. My kids are fine. This never happened while my late husband was alive or after his death but it has happened while second husband lived with me and now after his passing. Do you perhaps know what this means or am I just losing the plot?
 
PANAYIOTA
Thank you so much! 😊
This is an interesting one… I’m presuming that you physically wake up and get up to go look for her when you hear her call.
 
The only ideas on the meaningful interpretation of your dream that I can think of right now is, that deep down you are aware that this daughter needs something more from you.  You are being called to give whatever it is.  Does she need more attention or hugs… does she need you to listen to her calling, or to be walking more on her side as far as something she is dealing with?  Is there anything you might be ignoring that she needs you to face with her?
 
It’s something you know about already, but you have been avoiding, or ignoring, because you don’t really want to “go there” with her, or something.  Or is there just something that you are worried about as far as she’s concerned, but you don’t know how to broach the subject with her, yet you feel you need to, because as a mom you feel it would help her a lot, but maybe there’s this gate between you preventing you from opening up on the subject.  She seems quite happy with whatever it is, but it’s worrying you.  You feel you have the answer for her, but the gate stands between you.
 
You’re very close to opening the gate on the subject, because you do when you wake from the dream…
 
Let me know if any of this resonates with you…
 
Love you bunches
 
CLIENT
Reading through your interpretation makes sense. Just some background. My younger daughter, has been having an affair with her boss since her divorce many years ago. This man keeps promising that he is going to leave his wife but never does. She has broken up with him so many times but always goes back. When she is with him, we never see her and don’t hear much from her. When she breaks up with him, then she visits us and becomes my eldest daughter’s best friend. This makes my oldest daughter very sad that she is treated by her sister like this and is now not allowing this anymore. My youngest daughter’s children have also lost out on so many family occasions because their mom doesn’t attend. This angers my oldest daughter who is very big on family. At the moment my oldest daughter is very hurt at the way she was spoken to by her sister a little while ago and there is a bit of friction between the two of them. I never interfere in their fights as I believe that they need to resolve their own problems with each other plus don’t want to be seen as taking sides. I just listen to each one griping about the other and I may offer a bit of advice.
 
Both my children know that I love them unconditionally and that I will always support them and be there for them even if I don’t like/agree/condone whatever they are doing. I know my oldest daughter would love me to blast her sister about her choices. My youngest daughter knows how I feel about this man and her relationship with him but I cannot stop her from seeing him. Both daughters have completely different personalities and each has to be handled differently.
 
The youngest sometimes says that she feels like the outcast because she is not included in everything I do with her sister. Her sister and I live together so we do a lot together. My youngest daughter excludes herself because of this man and I have explained this to her. She misses all these occasions which are such fun with grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, nieces, nephews, grandchildren. My youngest daughter and her children (my beautiful grandchildren) used to come to me one night a week for dinner. Sometime last year she stopped this so I don’t get to see her and my grandchildren very often.
 
Not sure which daughter needs whatever from me. The oldest is hurting because of the way she gets treated by her sister and that her sister does not feel the same way as her about family. My youngest daughter is hurting because this man disappoints her all the time and so she feels that her and her kids are the outcasts. I have tried to get my oldest daughter to accept her sister as she is with all her good and bad points. My youngest daughter has to learn her own lessons and we must just be there for her when she finally wakes up to this man’s intentions.  I’ve spoken to her about her relationship with this man, about her excluding herself from family and how her children are missing out. At one stage she was suicidal because of him. She agreed to see a Logotherapist and I made the appointment. She then cancelled her appointment.
 
Golly, I have given you so much information about my kids. A mother stuck in the middle of two strong women who both think they are always right, though my oldest will apologise but the youngest never. Will have to think hard about who needs what from me.
 
Thank you my darling friend.
 
PANAYIOTA
Thank you so much for sharing this with me and for trusting me so much.  It means the world to me.  Your dream does make a lot of sense then.  It seems to me that you already know which one is calling to you most to just be there for her with your unconditional love... her mom... instead of you feeling trapped by not wanting to get caught in-between your two daughters and THEIR situation with each other... or to choose sides.
 
I feel that it is possible that you keep a certain distance so as not to upset one or the other, yet your spirit and conscience is witnessing to you through your dream, that you already know which one needs you closer.  It seems that it is you that is keeping the gate locked to her calls... and that maybe you should be opening it to her needs.  She needs you.  Feeling judged or that you might be taking sides against her could actually keep her stuck in the situation that she is in with this man.  I might be wrong... only you will know for sure.
 
“Something meaningful draws us out of ourselves – it enlarges our vision, enriches us and causes us to grow: to become bigger and better than we are.  Frankl quoted Goethe as saying: “If we take a man as he is, we make him worse; if we take him as he ought to be, we help him become it” (Shantall, 2002, p. 19) ~ Life’s Meaning in the Face of Suffering
 
“Ought to be”, in this situation as I am reading it:  Unconditionally loved and accepted by her mom... (by her sister too... but as this is your dream, it refers to you... her sister might have her own dreams pertaining to this)…
 
CLIENT
Thank you very much for all of this. I understand now. Here I was thinking that there is not much more I can do for her but stay in the background and be here if she needs me - keeping the gate locked – when I could make a bigger effort in communicating with her, making her understand that I am not judging her, that I just want her to be happy. Also try harder to spend more time with her and my grandchildren.
 
You may use this in your blogs but please don’t mention my children’s names.
I just love you so much. xxxxxx
 
 
 
Thank you for sharing this Logotherapy dream interpretation with my client and I. 
 
I would love to know if you are learning how to interpret your own dreams by all that has been shared concerning this subject.
 
~ Panayiota

Some really great news. 
On the 27th February, my Logotherapy mentor’s brand-new Logotherapy book, “The Life-changing Impact of Viktor Frankl’s Logotherapy”, arrived straight off of the Springer publisher’s press to my address.  When I let Teria know, she told me that the book was for me.  She’d included parts of my story on 10 pages in chapter 6.  In so doing, she has authenticated me and my story so purposefully and, I can’t even explain… I feel as though I have a new lease on life.  What an honour and what an incredible gift from her.  There are no words…
 
When I asked Teria if I could have her permission to share the chapter in which she included my story, she wrote back:
 
“The gratitude is mine, Pan.  You can do with the book whatever you want.  It is yours also!”
 
WOW!  She is, and always will be my greatest and most respected mentor and healer in this world.
 
The book can be bought on Amazon.com and is not yet available in South Africa, but I believe that Teria is working to make it available at an affordable price for our Logotherapy students here.
 
ON AMAZON.COM
https://www.amazon.com/L%C4%B1fe-chang%C4%B1ng-Impact-V%C4%B1ktor-Frankls-Logotherapy/dp/3030307697/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=The+Life-changing+impact+of+Viktor+Frankl%27s+Logotherapy+-+Teria+Shantall&qid=1583764406&sr=8-1
 
This book provides an in-depth analysis of the logotherapy of Viktor Frankl and delves into the spiritual depths of an inherent search for meaning in life. Written by a highly experienced and competent logotherapist trained by Frankl himself, this book is excitingly new and unique in that it takes the reader, in the role of a client accompanied by the author in the role of the therapist, through the unfolding phase-by-phase process of logotherapy. Logotherapy is explored as a depth and as a height psychology. From a provoked will to meaning out of the depths of a spiritual unconscious, the author takes the search for meaning to the ultimate heights in the achievement of human greatness. This book brings Frankl’s own profound life’s orientation back to life and, in its reader-friendly style, has the freshness of Frankl’s own way of writing. It is written in a refreshingly simple and straightforward style for easy accessibility to a wide readership. It includes cases studies and exercises for readers and is meant for use in logotherapy courses worldwide. Additionally, it will appeal to laypersons seeking a deeper meaning to their lives, psychology students and mental health professionals alike.
 
I hope you will buy a copy of Teria’s wonderful new book.  Her wisdom is profound and I am sure this book will be life-changing for anyone who reads it.
 
Thank you.

~ Panayiota

Started writing:  5 March 2020
 
I’ve been on another planet just lately.  Work has been very quiet, which is wonderful on one hand, because I can get so much other stuff done that has been waiting to be done FOREVER! (THERE’S SOOOOO MUCH TO DO!), but it is also not entirely good for my psyche to be out of contact with the world.  I need regular meaningful connection to help me to stay balanced… no doubt about it!  Thank goodness for Facebook… but it seems that I still need more connection to be able to keep going strong.
 
https://upliftconnect.com/opposite-addiction-connection/
 
“A will to meaning is a will to connect with a significant other.  Man was not born to be alone” ~ Teria Shantall
 
After passing the first module of my doula course so well on Saturday 22 February, I got stuck into my 2nd module as soon as I possibly could and finally handed that in on Saturday 29th. On Sunday 1st March, Mona, my doula course director called me just before bed time, to tell me she’d started reading my work and was so impressed she felt I should receive a triple A for it… 
 
Up till then, I’d been sitting on my nerves with my usual self-defeating self-sabotaging lack of confidence thing happening… wondering if I did okay… did I write too much… maybe I didn’t answer correctly if I misunderstood the questions. So, you can just imagine how happy I was to hear her beautiful reassuring and affirming words just before I went to sleep last night.  The night before I hardly slept at all probably because I was worried about failing and also, super excited about having managed to complete the assignment and send it in for marking (further making an important dream come true for myself).  
 
I ended up feeling very wiped out all day Sunday due to the lack of sleep, but Sunday night I slept so well.  All day Monday I waited on my nerves yet again to hear word of my result, and all day I found myself back in that awful place again… that place of… maybe when she started reading the night before last, she was impressed, but maybe she’s found all sorts of problems since. 
 
Apparently, I’m not very good at waiting to hear if I did okay or not… almost as if I’m expecting to be told I’m a failure… just as I was told so many times when I was a child and most of my life.  I so want to do well, but still fear doing badly, even though I know, I worked hard enough to at least scrape through if nothing else. 
 
This study has given me so much meaning right now, I just want to know for sure that I passed so that I can get to the next module.  Loads of suspense-anxiety and I can’t think straight.  I don’t expect Mona to hurry with the marking, not at all, but Oh man, the waiting is hard on me.
 
If only I could believe in myself more!  It’s been torture waiting.  It’s now Thursday and I’m still waiting… my fault!  I wrote so much in answering the questions.  When I’m really passionate about something, I tend to write too much (anyone who actually takes the time to read my blog posts must  know that by now), and I’m VERY passionate about this course and about old folk, and the question was on old folk and terminal illness and all, so I think I got totally carried away. 
 
Oh dear!
 
It’s now 14h21 Thursday 5th March 2020… I will wait until I receive my marks before posting this. 
 
Right now, I’m going to do the opposite of what the voices of my past abusers in my mind are telling me… so, before my marks arrive, let me just say, (because I know how hard I worked on my module 2 assignment) … I DID WELL! 
 
Now, I need to exercise patience… my marked work will be here soon and I can do something else while I wait… I have more than enough to do in the meantime. (only problem, the suspense is draining me of having the energy or motivation to do anything else… such a muddle!!!)
 
8 March 2020 late pm ~ At last my marked work has arrived … YAY!
 
9 March I wrote on Facebook
I finally got my 2nd module Sacred Dying Doula marks yesterday after cracking with the patience thing and inquiring about it in the morning because the suspense was literally killing me 😁 and my window of study-time opportunity could close soon and then I just won't have time anymore to do module 3, so I just had to ask.
 
I got 90%... YAY! ☺️🌸 Mona called me last night and said that she would have given me 100%, but she picked up that I'm far too soft 😇 I completely concur with her on that one (I also wrote to much and needed to “just answer the questions”, without going too off track in the process with 100 other things I wanted to say).
 
So, although, I KNOW that I'd do pretty well with the dying patient, the question is, could I handle their relatives and all those other dynamics... (like if the dying person didn't want someone to visit them after years of being rejected by them, would I be assertive in standing up for them and their deathbed wishing-rights?  Would I be too assertive, considering my own past?).  
 
I would most definitely NOT UNDER EVEN THE WORST OF CIRCUMSTANCES want my mother to come to my bedside if I was dying. I wouldn't even want her to know I was dying after all the rejection, pain and trauma she's caused me over all the years of my life.  I don't hate her... not at all... but I'd hate very much for her to be at my deathbed or to be sending her manipulating sad and sorry letters as if she suddenly loved me when I was dying!  NO WAYS!  I don't even want her name mentioned anywhere near me when I'm dying! IT WILL BE TOO LATE FOR HER TO SUDDENLY REMEMBER HER DAUGHTER THEN!
 
Anyway... I think what Mona is getting at, is that I still struggle with "Save the world syndrome" as I call it, (I’m still a people-pleaser!) and I'd probably end up burning myself out if I tried to do everything (Too much)… THE STORY OF MY LIFE!
 
So, she suggested that before I get my certificate after passing my 3rd module, if I do... I would have to attend a SACRED DYING DOULA BOOT CAMP... oh dear... I have some exciting times ahead... scary too!
 
I enjoyed reading all Mona's comments on my 2nd module assignment today and learning a whole lot more from doing so. 
 
I wrote to Mona
Your comments have indeed been very helpful and eye-opening dear Mona,
 
Especially as I have only ever seen myself right there next to my dying patient and with them in every way in those LAST days and moments.  I've never really seen myself coming in long before they are on their last-moments deathbed.  So, you have been able to set that right for me in many ways as to what would be expected of me as a sacred dying doula.
 
I honestly saw myself there every minute of the day (and night) ... I didn't catch on that I'd be coming in occasionally once or twice a week only to check up and speak to my client and then to check with the family that things are running smoothly, etc. for and on behalf of the client.  (that I’d possibly be doing this for more than one client at a time).
 
It is actually a relief! 
 
My mind has been very focused on my past experiences (with the dying).  So, this better clarity has definitely helped a lot right now, thank you! 
 
I look forward to discussing it further with you, to further clarify exactly what it is that is expected of a sacred dying doula time wise, etc..  Also... to discuss with you what I've had in mind for all of this up until now… (because my current job is usually very busy and very important to me)... which I now think is certainly not as much as you had in mind for me once I qualified... but what you have just said has made my idea on your thoughts a possibility that I can maybe somehow achieve... very interesting.  Now I do need to know more and look forward to our brunch sometime this week! 
 
Agoraphobia struggles and lack of confidence in my abilities and possibilities showing up as I continue my letter to Mona – When I think that people have BIG expectations of me, I crumble… so afraid of letting them down by becoming “mother’s useless idiot” yet again! And so, what do I do… I become “mother’s useless idiot!!!”
 
IT’S A PROTECTIVE SPACE TO STAY DOWN AND STUCK THERE… I HAVE TO KEEP FIGHTING MY WAY BACK FROM MY PAST! THE ABUSERS OF MY PAST CAN’T KEEP HAVING THEIR WAY OVER ME!!!  I CANNOT ALLOW THEM TO KEEP ME TRAPPED AS A LESSER VERSION OF THE POTENTIAL ME THAT I AM SURE EXISTS AND IS A POSSIBILITY STILL IF I COULD ONLY REACH THAT PLACE I WAS BORN TO REACH... WHEREVER AND WHATEVER THAT PLACE IS!
 
Any doula work, I'm imagining, would need to be close to home in my own city... EEK!  I hope I haven’t bitten off more than I can chew.  Please don't expect too much from me, because I don't know what I would be capable of yet and what the real possibilities would be for me to do this...   

I think Mona does have bigger expectations of me than I do for myself and that scares me. I just planned to go sit with dying patients and LOVE THEM TO DEATH! But it seems that there’s a whole lot more that would be expected of me.
 
I might be scared of taking on anything more, but I’m now also intrigued. 
 
What if Mona and her Sacred Dying BOOT CAMP could get more out of me than I can on my own?  What if I have more to give that I didn’t even realise still existed in me?
 
WHAT IF? 
 
At this time, I don’t charge for doing logotherapy or logotherapy dream interpretations with people… I ask donations only and that very rarely happens.  My donation details are on my therapy gmail page pattyskeys@gmail.com … I think to myself, it’s because I’ve convinced myself that I am far too grateful for being able to do this in the first place… but WHAT IF?  What if I reach that place where I can value my own worth enough, that I can ask people to contribute to my work? 
 
WHAT IF? 
 
Mona wrote in an e-mail today
 
“You are such an amazing soul and have the potential to be such a compassionate Doula.”
 
 
Thanks for sharing this post with me
 
~ Panayiota

Logotherapy Dream Interpretation (LDI)
 
Theory on Interpretation of Dreams
(Logotherapy Immediate Workshop Manual – 2009)
 
“Dreams - can reflect hopes and wishes form the unconscious, not only repressed aggression and lust, but calls from the conscious towards meaningful behaviour.  Advice from the unconscious to the conscious.”
 
“Frankl has an expanded concept of the unconscious.  He asserts that it contains, also, repressed hopes, goals, and meanings to which dreams are royal roads.”
 
“Viktor Frankl.... sees the unconscious not only in a psychological but also in a spiritual dimension as a royal road into a much wider land.  It can lead to meaning.”
 
“Dreams may make you aware of repressed drives and traumas that are too painful to face.  But dreams may also convey advice from the conscience.  A dream interpretation from this perspective can help you to discover what is meaningful.”
 
(Because the messages in dreams are often hard to understand, because of their symbolic nature, it is often easier to elicit ideas from your client using metaphors, fantasies and imagery.)
 
My client struggles with stressful and painful family dynamics which creates a lot of sadness and grieving in her.  I think enough will be said below.
(edited for clarity and shortening) 
 
Keep in mind that this client and the last are both clients who I have worked with before, so I already know a lot of their story which makes it clearer for me to have an idea of what their dream might be bringing to them without having to work too hard with the client for answers.
 
5 March 2020
 
My client’s dream
I woke up crying the other morning, dreamed one of our kids had passed, I was sooo sad.  She is okay, but I felt so saddened and grieved in the dream.
 
Panayiota’s Logotherapy dream interpretation (LDI) guide
Dreams always, always bring us unique and meaningful messages.
 
Client
She had said the day before she was getting married this year.  I just know who it was in my dream and I woke up crying. That’s all I can remember.
 
She doesn’t get on well with her dad. Long story, she was wrong in that situation and although she is trying to be friendly there is a rift that I fear will not be forgiven easily.
 
Panayiota
I will think about this. I need to be in the Zone... no Zone the way I'm feeling right now. 
 
(I’d had a hard day and a BIG shock in the morning thinking I’d lost a dear friend and colleague [all a misunderstanding], but it had left me completely worn out, and it was already late in the day, so I didn’t think I could do a dream interpretation as I was feeling so exhausted already.)
 
Client
No problem, just thought I would share, I do not dream a lot and most times like this, I wake up crying and forget what led up to the sadness.
 
Panayiota (suddenly feeling inspiration coming on)
Okay... so there is great sadness for you... the rift between your daughter and her father creates a sadness equivalent to death, because you can’t see a way to it healing.
 
My dear friend, it seems we both bear the burden of deep sadness connected to wanting family connections to be perfect... so much I missed out on as a child, and I believe it was very much the same for you. I love you so much.
 
Are there any more details in the dream you can remember?  Words, actions, places... anything... every little detail helps... like what led to you hearing of the passing in the dream... who told you... etc.
 
Client
My rescue triggers go into action and I disassociate instantly so that the sadness and trauma is wiped out of my memory. Don’t know who told me in the dream, I remember just seeing my daughter’s son and future husband standing alone when I got the news, he is a quiet man, so I don’t think I heard it from him or the child. I had received the beautiful video the night before and had had a negative remark made about her asking him to marry him. Perhaps that rejection and bitterness followed through in the dream. (my client’s husband had made the negative remark when he saw the video of his daughter’s beautiful wedding proposal, so I imagine the moment that my client needed and wanted so much to experience as joyful, had been painfully spoiled by her husband’s unnecessary harsh and cruel words).
 
Panayiota
Try very hard to work out, that there IS a meaningful message especially for you... to somehow bring you peace for your grieving.  Your grieving is extremely deep, represented by the death of what you feel cannot be given life anymore… so if I had to guess... seeing the man (your daughter’s future husband) and child together represents what is missing... father and child together when all else is lost.  This is a message of real hope for your daughter... that she will have what is missing, even though you don't.  Your spirit and conscious levels are working together to affirm to you, that you already feel deep down, that she will have what is missing and in that alone my dearest friend you can find peace.
 
Client
Thanx Panny, I know all things work together for good and I know this is good for her future.
AND you weren’t even in the ZONE....lol.  You are great. Love you forever.
 
Panayiota
Love you forever too. So, can I use it anonymously to share on my blog?
 
Client
Yes
 
Panayiota
🥰😘
 
Thank you for sharing with my client and I. 
 
We’d love to hear what you think of this interpretation which resonated well with my client and helped her to feel less anguish.
 
~ Panayiota Ryall

Theory on Logotherapy Dream Interpretation (LDI)
(Logotherapy Immediate Workshop Manual – 2009)
 
“Dreams - can reflect hopes and wishes form the unconscious, not only repressed aggression and lust, but calls from the conscious towards meaningful behaviour.  Advice from the unconscious to the conscious.”
 
“Frankl has an expanded concept of the unconscious.  He asserts that it contains, also, repressed hopes, goals, and meanings to which dreams are royal roads.”
 
“Viktor Frankl.... sees the unconscious not only in a psychological but also in a spiritual dimension as a royal road into a much wider land.  It can lead to meaning.”
 
“Dreams may make you aware of repressed drives and traumas that are too painful to face.  But dreams may also convey advice from the conscience.  A dream interpretation from this perspective can help you to discover what is meaningful.”
 
(Because the messages in dreams are often hard to understand, because of their symbolic nature, it is often easier to elicit ideas from your client using metaphors, fantasies and imagery.)
 
3rd March 2020
My client, a young woman who is facing a divorce and social work intervention as far as her little boy goes.  And has fearful anticipation of the UNKNOWN MORE stress and struggles still to come.
 
WhatsApp conversation edited slightly only to assist the reader.
Logotherapy quotes in-between in brown.
 
Client’s first dream
I had a weird dream last night. I'm on the injection, so I don’t get periods etc. (6 yrs).  Last night I dreamed I was spotting (happens before your period)… Then I was in a building where there were a lot of children and adults… I went on into a place where there was a field for war.  We all walked on an empire wall to start a war but had nothing with us. When I looked over the wall to see the army my alarm went off 05h30 and I woke from the dream.
 
Panayiota’s Logotherapy dream interpretation (LDI) guide
Don’t respond yet. I will send a DONE message when I'm done. Only then respond so you don’t mix up my thoughts now. Dream interpretation needs concentration... I have to be IN THE ZONE in order to try and imagine why YOUR dream is meant for YOU and what meaningful message it could be trying to bring to YOU... 😁
 
(My thoughts on my clients dream, keeping in mind that the client is the only one who will know for sure what meaning message of her dream really is.  I can only give ideas and in so doing, guide her to her own answers.)
 
Spotting... possibly a deep witnessing emotion you are experiencing, of, now that you are finally getting away from him and all the abuse, you are feeling a returning to yourself... your freedom… your womanhood. Like it is how it is meant to be. Your spirit affirming YOU.
 
I wonder if the building with lots of children and adults represents church (her family attends church regularly and it’s an important part of her upbringing culture). Perhaps deep down you feel that it is your one place of refuge. You don’t say how you were feeling there in your dream. If you were feeling safe and happy, then your spirit and sub-conscience knowing might be calling and witnessing for you to spend more time there, even if just for the support to get through this difficult time.
 
I like the last bit. You are on the empire wall (I was not sure why my client called it an empire wall, but for me, now that I think about this, that would mean that it is a strong and powerful wall, representing that she may have a subconscious sense of being in more control of her situation than she might realise consciously… in a position of personal strength and power over her struggle.  [Who could have built the wall?] … perhaps she has a sense, that RIGHT, GOOD and GOD is with her… strength)... In your dream, you have others on your side ready to support and fight with you, so you are not feeling totally alone or abandoned to your struggle… you feel somewhat supported.
 
The fact that you are on top of the wall tells me that you are reassured that you are above the situation. You are doing the right thing. You are finding yourself in that place of looking down on what has been wrong in your life and have risen above it at last. The defiant power of your human spirit is standing up for you declaring on the waring mob below you… ENOUGH!
 
“The resources of their noetic dimension are tapped, the defiant power of their spirit is aroused, making them aware that they are not identical with their fears, obsessions, inferiority complexes, depressions, and emotional outbursts.  They see that they are not helpless victims of their biological, psychological, or sociological fate; do not have to remain the way they are; and can stand in any situation” (Taken from: Chapter 4: Viktor E. Frankl and Logotherapy)
 
You have nothing with you, but your support up there on that great wall... you are therefore standing in a position of FAITH and HOPE, which is incredible.
 
Having nothing with you could indicate some fear and uncertainty... not knowing how you are going to do this or what the days ahead have in them for you... but... in your dream you ARE facing your enemy and you ARE standing above them... so you ARE in a good and powerful position to take on your enemy and you are NOT alone...
 
Your dream is witnessing this to you, so I believe that you will therefore not be defeated if you continue to handle your trials from your spiritually endowed dimension... TRUSTING that all will turn out for good in the end.
 
Your support will not only be from this world, but I believe many Angel's will be surrounding, guiding and protecting you at this time also.
 
I ask you to believe this too... I BELIEVE IN YOU! 💖
 
My client’s second dream
The night before last night, I dreamed I was in a room with snakes. I kicked and pushed one away, but each time it came back.  Am told it's a sign of fighting.
 
Panayiota’s Logotherapy dream interpretation (LDI) guide
There are no fortune telling signs in Logotherapy dream interpretation.  Your dreams  no matter how bizarre they might seem, are always beautiful and powerful spiritual revelations bought to you by your own spiritual dimension and sub-conscious levels working together (an inner voice) to bring meaningful messages to you to help you deal with struggles and guide you.
 
What I see for this dream, is that you might feel overwhelmed right now by BAD things constantly coming back and threatening your sense of peace and well being, like the BAD is relentless in trying to hurt and destroy you... even the court cases ahead that you still have to face, etc...
 
But you are no longer allowing the threats to consume you... you are taking a stand and making a choice to fight the snake back each time it comes towards you, to rid yourself of the enemy that seeks to destroy you... you are choosing to push (kick it away) no longer allowing it to have power over you...
 
The BAD, (the enemy of your peace) could represent your abuser, your life style, your own negative behaviours, etc. 
 
You could have dreamt of running away, screaming in fear, from the snake that keeps coming back, but instead you are FACING IT this time and choosing to do something about it, no matter how relentless and scary it seems to be!
 
Now, that's courage and that's faith!!!
 
You have had enough and you ARE CHOOSING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!
 
YOU GO GIRL!!!!
 
DONE 💝
 
My client responded via WhatsApp voice-message
 
Client (edited to shorten)
WOW!  WOW! That’s very powerful, thank you so much!  Very interesting.  I was just talking to my parents last night about making positive changes in my life… get my life sorted out… and getting back to church.   When I think of it, I get excited and happy, so I think there’s an inner me trying to get back into doing the right thing for my son and I.  I’ve been a less active member of my church since 2009, but my son has been growing up in the church since he was born.  I’m a little scared, because I’ve gotten so comfortable in the world outside of the church, but I realise that there’s still a lot to fix within myself….
 
I chat in-between and my client continues
I appreciate it all.  Like I said, it’s very powerful… it’s very special.  I actually had the hair on my arms stand up while I was reading that.  It was very beautiful.  Thank you so much.  Ja, it’s one step at a time, I’m taking baby steps.  You can share this in your lessons if you feel it’s going to make other people stronger, then you’ve got my full-on permission to do that.  Like you said the other day, we can teach other people from what we went through and how we overcame, so ja, if I can be a helping hand to somebody else like you are to me, then that’s perfect.  Love you too and God bless.
 
May I give your number to a friend of mine?  She’s also going through a hard time
 
Panayiota
Yes, of course you can 🥰
 
Thank you for sharing with my client and I.  Please let us know if you found this interesting and if you have any comments on the subject of Logotherapy Dream Interpretation.  And please remember to like, so that I have some indication of how many people are interested in my posts.  Thanks.
 
~Panayiota

​Conversation edited and shortened where possible
 
FEB 19, 2020, I WROTE TO MY MENTOR
…. I've been taking advantage of a quiet spell and started studying my "Sacred Dying Doula" course (module 1 of three) since yesterday…
 
MY MENTOR RESPONDED
… What is the course that you are doing?
 
PANAYIOTA
I mentioned it to you before.  A Sacred Dying Doula course... Someone who sits with the dying person and assists them through their last days/hours and also assists and counsels with family, friends, etc. where needed.  I've sat with many a dying person and found it to be one of the most spiritual of experiences for my soul, so it's wonderful to find a course where I can at least learn a bit more than I have already learnt naturally, and maybe be there in a more confident and proficient capacity for the dying person, and their family and friends in the future.  I don't intend on leaving my current work to pursue this... I don't think I'm ever going to be brave enough to go out of my way to use anything, not even my logotherapy skills, to make money, but, I want to be known as someone who will be there (a friend in need), ready, willing and able when a friend or family member is dying.  Maybe I am preparing myself for my dad's passing.  I don't know.  I'm just grateful for the opportunity of this course opening up at this time, for me to study up on.
 
 
I then took the opportunity to speak to my mentor about finding someone to talk to about something that had been weighing me down greatly of late:
 
I need to talk to somebody about my stepfather... I know you are very busy, so I've just kept quiet until now, but it's not going away.
 
Do you think I should chat with Batya or someone else you can think of who could just help my mind to settle after finding out he's in Johannesburg in an old age home with Alzheimer’s?  Maybe Marylyn.
 
I'm trying to block it all out, but it's niggling at me, because I feel that my inner child needs justice and just because he has Alzheimer’s, does that mean I just forget about it... LET IT GO!  I've hated those words for so long now!
 
I certainly don't want vengeance... but why should he get away with what he did just because he has Alzheimer’s?  All children should be acknowledged HEARD and protected... even inner children if there is to be any real healing.  And is it possible he did the same to other children somewhere out there... ? 
 
BUT THEN, the TERRIBLE FEAR of doing anything at all... And so I'm left in limbo... like I'm lost in that desert place again... no way out... (studying this course is keeping my mind on something else). I have thought about finding out exactly where he is, and going with someone stronger than my extremely frightened inner child to confront him, but I wouldn't want the nursing staff there to know.  My purpose wouldn't be for him to live in hell while he was still here; that's God's work to decide his punishment for anything he did in his past.  Only God knows his full story and the whys and wherefores of his cruel behaviours...
 
But what about MY healing... BUT FAR TOO AFRAID... I feel flashback reactions coming on if I allow myself to even think momentarily about a confrontation really happening... so I BLOCK IT OUT INSTANTLY...
 
Doing NOTHING goes against everything I believe in as far as protecting children goes and fighting for the rights of the abused.  Doing nothing means that everything I write about… everything I do regarding opening my life up so publicly in order to speak about the lifelong debilitating effects of child abuse and my deliberate efforts and personal fight for healing, is a SHAM!  I'M A SHAM!
 
But doing something seems impossible... TOO MUCH FEAR!  No answers... this one is too hard!
 
MENTOR
Dearest Pan,
 
Frankl talked about turning a horrible and very adverse situation, like the one your terrible stepfather imposed on you, into a personal victory.  It did not have any vengeance or hostile counter-action against the perpetrators about it.  Why?  Because it would lower the injured person to the level of the perpetrator.  "Come out from among them, touch not the unclean thing" Hashem (God) says to us in Isaiah 52.  Hashem also states:  "Vengeance is mine." 
 
Remember the story of Dinah in the camps?  She came across a drunken Nazi who lay passed out on the ground.  Next to him was his gun.  They were completely alone.  There was no-one else around.  She could easily have taken the gun and shot him.  She didn't.  Why?  She realized, just as Frankl did when, after their liberation they were walking through a field of flowers and one of them was stomping and trampling the flowers under foot.  He was venting his anger, his need for revenge.  What did Frankl say to him?  "If you want to wreak vengeance, you are no better than the perpetrators." 
 
What did Frankl mean with a personal victory over adversity?  It was more than a spiritual or self-transcendent stand.  It was the kind of stand voiced by Nelson Mandela upon his release.  He said that he realized that if he did not leave his bitterness behind him, he would still be in prison.  But does this mean that they would do nothing about the injustice they suffered?  No! They became extremely active in taking a stand against the wrong.  How?  By doing the right, by fighting the causes of meaninglessness in the case of Frankl, and the causes of injustice in the case of Mandela. 
 
Your triumph over the evil done to you by your evil stepfather is to stand up for the sexually abused; in telling your story; in advocating the right of children to be protected from abuse; to expose the horrific effects of such abuse on the person of the abused; in becoming active in helping people out of the kind of misery which you have suffered.  This is how good triumphs over evil.  Promoting the good, is exposing the evil and the horror of eternal judgement and alienation from society such evildoers bring down on their own heads. 
 
We have the responsibility to expose the evildoing of the wicked but we do not fight them ourselves.  There are institutions in any law-abiding society that will bring such people to book; that will bring them to justice in prosecuting them and jailing them.  This is not the individual's role.  We are not to take the Law into our own hands.  Here in Israel a war may be declared in the defense against those who plot our downfall and kill our people at random and without mercy.  But even here, moral standards of war prevail.  We do not, in response, seek only to kill and obliterate our enemies.  We only take a defensive stand in protection our own. 
 
If your stepfather was in a position to abuse your children, then you would stand up against him, report his actions, have him brought to book.  What can you do now? 
 
If there is some action you can take to expose and confront him, then do so.  Maybe, yes, to go and tell him to his face that you have survived all that he has done to you but without a trace of vengeance or bitter hostility.  Your hatred of him is pure.  It will be a triumphant statement of fact.  Remember the story of Eva Weiss, how she vowed to return to Auschwitz in having survived it?  Her triumph is standing in the gas chamber was to say to those who have inflicted such horror upon her and her people:  "You were not able to destroy my humanity!"
 
Your frustration, and our frustration here in Israel, is that evildoers are getting away with murder, that they are not exposed and brought to book.  It is a challenge of faith and dignity.  Faith in the truth that evildoers will be defeated in their conniving and ugly aims and behavior and destroy themselves.  Their deaths would be the end of the matter for them.  And we, who have survived their gross indecency?  We will pass through; our deaths would swallow their doings in sublime victory.  How? in our confrontational stands yes, but even more particularly, in our devotion to ease the suffering of others and in becoming the opposite of the kind of people such evildoers became.  We will be triumphant and exemplary human beings.  We would have supreme dignity!
 
What am I saying to you, Pan?  You must figure that out for yourself.  If your sense of dignity dictates that you should go and personally confront him, then yes, do it.  But the far greater and more glorious challenge is to grow more and more courageous in making your voice heard and making your actions confirm that you are defiantly there for others in liberating them from the bondages that so cruelly held you captive for so long!
 
I love and respect you,
Teria
 
PANAYIOTA
Once again, I am completely overwhelmed to tears by your incredible response...
 
No matter what BUTS I come up with, your letter causes them to tumble...
 
(But... What about the other children he might have abused?  Don't they need someone to stand up for them... to be there for them... to love them and show them that they are not alone and that healing is possible? It's them that I'm grieving for and wanting to stand up for... and Patricia, who was the one he affected most... but Patty too... SO MUCH FEAR because of what he did to Patricia in her presence also)
 
Your letter says to me... Keep reaching out into the WHOLE WORLD for the sake of ALL THE OTHER CHILDREN who have been affected by their abuser... their predator... My frustration of will to FIX WHAT WAS DONE TO ME, does not have to be centered on a single target... there's a WHOLE WORLD of sufferers out there who I could reach if I remove my narrow focus. 
 
There's no way I could confront him, FAR TOO MUCH RAW FEAR!  Just the slightest thought of doing so causes me to physically feel the tipping of my mind into a dangerous area that is (like broken glass), TOO SHARP for me to touch on alone and without REAL HELP!  I truly believe that I'd end up in a nut-house if I allowed myself to get anywhere near him... so, that option has to be outed no matter how much it might have helped me if it was possible.  My past therapist might have been able to get me to that point and accompanied me... but she can never be trusted ever again... so that door is forever closed.
 
I must emphasise very clearly that in NO WAY am I feeling bitter or hate towards him.  I cannot explain why... it's more of an empty nothingness... a complete blockage.  But in allowing short intrusive thoughts of meeting him, the fear becomes too HUGE to allow, so I BLOCK him again.  Not even in my daydream world was there any hate... I was completely submissive to his cruelty and control even there.  So, vengeance and bitter hate has to be ruled out as a motive... IT DOES NOT EXIST IN ME! 
 
Sometimes I have thought that HATING would make it easier for me, but I can't.  My therapist tried to get me to hit a pillow or shout at my abuser in role play... I could not do it at all. All retaliation and anger was beaten out of me as a child.  I was not allowed to show it in the least degree and therefore still struggle with getting my emotions anywhere close to it. 
 
The only kind of anger I am ever able to feel and show is PROTECTIVE ANGER (because as a child I was unable to protect myself or my little sister... I could only LOVE her)... I don't seem to have a lot of control over the protective anger which can make me react completely out of character, and it causes me more trouble and losses than it's worth (I’m working on this).
 
MY TRUE MOTIVES for confronting my stepfather or exposing his name, would NOT be for him to suffer... that's Hashem's work, but I believe, my motives would first be to reach out and protect those others he might have affected, and also, to somehow find a way to take away HIS AWFUL POWER over me that has caused such DEEP AND LASTING RAW FEAR to continue to control so many aspects of my life... even the aspect of being so OVER PROTECTIVE towards the people and things that I LOVE and BELIEVE IN... to the point of it constantly ruining my relationships and progress...
 
If it were possible to stand in front of him and tell him that I remembered, and how much it has adversely affected my life, I believe that I would find healing in that... BUT IT'S NOT POSSIBLE.. I know that already.
 
So, the words of your letter truly are my only way out of this dark place... THE FEARS MIGHT NEVER LEAVE ME, but I still have the option of learning and understanding more, and working on my more negative behaviours in an effort towards my healing, and I still have the option of making something good from my past for the sake of others, and there is still the real possibility that in the process of working on my own Life's purpose, I will continue to find my own healing and in the process, help many others... even to show perpetrators of such awful offences, how destructive, the devastating life-long results of their awful work can be on their victims. 
 
If my work could stop perpetrators of child abuse from doing what they do, and thus save even more children from THIS LONG-LASTING TORTURE... then my life truly would have been worth living.
 
I am so grateful for your time and love in responding to my letter Teria and for your profound wisdom that always brings much needed healing and rational answers.
 
Forever grateful and also with much respect for you,
 
MENTOR
You have indeed sorted out the picture for yourself.  And your answer is therefore the right one.  Let him be buried in that emptiness where no response of whatever kind towards him is possible.  And yes, the road is forward, not back.  The ahead is away from him and all he stands for.  And the signposts ahead are indeed in the direction of reaching out to those who have or are suffering like you have and to bring to the confrontational awareness of perpetrators just how evil their actions are - what devastation it sows in the tender hearts of the innocent.  The more you valiantly reach out, the more ground in terms of healing - leaving that past far behind you - you will gain.
 
PANAYIOTA
 
You are too lovely dear Teria, Thank you so much!
 
I love you dearly.
 
 
ONCE AGAIN, MY MENTOR’S WORDS DID IT.
Her wisdom shared, being so healing to my very core.  Just like that, I was able to dissolve the dilemma that seemed so overwhelming and unsolvable.  Just like that I can now go on.  It seems to me that there is such a thing as closure… this must be it for me, because the soothing and meaningful responsibility for my future seems greater now than the messed up, upside down, jagged cutting-edged memories of my past.
 
(I could literally feel Patricia’s wall tumble for the first time in my life… like she has somehow been set free or partially set free of her entrapment there at last.  I’m not sure if she'll know what to do now without her wall and I guess time will tell.  I will speak more about Patricia’s awful wall in my book which I hope to finish soon)

FIXED GAZE
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Broken inner child of her
Sits alone – dark dungeon – lost within
Wishing to be free
Stronger, braver, happier perhaps.
In her deep subconscious
An adult-self can be seen
But cannot yet be reached as equals
To be united (healed) as one
Their two worlds remain divided
By an impenetrable tear-soaked screen
Drenched in the constant, bleeding pain
Aching, unquenchable longings
Still reaching for what never was
But should have been hers
Reaching out of a horrible past – conveniently forgotten!
Still haunting – Splitting reality!  Exploding cells! 
Into a million swirling puzzle pieces
Rusted iron shards, which cannot connect?
that bump and grind and rip apart!
Her already broken, blood soaked heart
Chaos, confusion
Drifting wood on a windless sea
Trapped for all eternity
Yet she fixes her gaze on possibility
On a distant hope so blurred to view
A dream she holds on tightly too
Behind what can’t yet be seen
But it is her dream – it is her dream!
And somehow, she still believes
Dreams do come true
 
~ Panayiota
(27th September 2014)
 
The divide between my inner child and my adult-self seems to be narrowing more these days.  The integration of each part of my self is becoming more and more possible… each part beginning to work together with the other. 
 
Healing from child abuse is a REAL possibility… even if only a little healing at a time… even if the journey is never completed… each bit achieved is worth all the hard, consistent work, and makes it a little easier to bear all the painful losses that come as a result of speaking out and setting boundaries to help myself get to that place I was always meant to reach.
 
I cannot give up my quest for that place… it calls to me with the most gentle and welcoming voice. I’ve come too far to give up now! 
 
OUR BEAUTIFUL SONG
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I live in three worlds that clash and divide
With chasms and rock falls on every side
Where storms come and go leaving chaos and mud
And absolute devastation in each suffocating flood
 
A frightened little girl weeps in a broken heap
Holding her knees as she tries to sleep
The weight of her tears presses her down
And all the while, she fears she might drown
 
An angry adolescent lashes out at each threat
Bent on defeating the troubles she’s met
And all the while a screaming-wind blows
Painfully returning all that she throws
 
An adult is left confused and alone
Wondering if she’ll ever find her way home
And no one can reach her, or find their way in
They can’t understand where the others have been
 
And so, the war rages, inside and out
Leaving her wondering what “Life’s” all about
But deep down she knows that no matter how bad
No matter how hard, and no matter how sad
 
She does have a purpose and has to go on
For her life has been blessed by a beautiful song
She hears the tune faintly, but its meaning is clear
Her spirit is awakened in just knowing it’s there
 
She believes that one day her music will play loud
With chorusing angels atop every cloud.
So, she’ll never give up... she’ll never give in
There’s coming a day when she will hear her voice sing.
 
While the little girl will remember how to laugh and play
And the adolescent will find peace at last on that day.
And all three will embrace united as one,
Joining together in their beautiful song.
 
~ Panayiota
 
 
“And all the while a screaming-winds blow
Painfully returning all that she throws”
 
 
Just this last week, a past friend to my heart whom I’d lost in 2017, made it very clear that she would never make right on what she’d done then, that had caused me to lose her friendship in my life, and that she resented and rejected me still for speaking out about it. 
 
The strange thing is, that here I sit mourning her loss still as with many I’d lost before, but it is THEY that seem to be bitter… not me.  I ache for them and even cry for them at times… for things to be the same as when it was good between us. But they don’t seem to miss me at all.  They seem to still remain resentful of my questioning their loyalty, or of my choosing to speak out on behalf of a beloved friend who I felt was being bullied and abused by them.  Their reactions to my speaking out has curse my name and my reputation in order to save their own and I am the one left looking BAD.  My mother always left me feeling BAD for things I should never have had to feel bad for. 
 
Once I have loved, I always love, and so, every loss feels like a death to me and for each one, the mourning inside of me goes on and on relentlessly.  If only they could feel my sadness and longing for their friendship the way it used to be… the sleepless nights that their absence has caused… would they only then understand and make it all right again?  HUMPH!  Or… would they just be glad that I am suffering for what used to be between us and no longer is…
 
I think that what’s hard for anyone to understand, is that I function emotionally on three completely different levels.  If I learn to love a person on the level of my inner child Patty for instance, as I believe it was with the losses of 2017, then it is that part of my self that grieves their loss…  (The one did something really important for my life that I still benefit from today, while the other had horses and the most beautiful and relaxing place to visit…).  My inner child loved them both very much… It is her crying I often still faintly hear in the dark corridors of my past… it is her feelings that cause my tears…
 
How can anyone understand and respond to that?  It just is what it is…
 
Is there anyone in the world who can possibly understand what I’m sharing right now?  I think of Dr Nadine Burk Harris who wrote, The Deepest Well… I know she’s a very busy woman, and I know she deals only with children and their families… or I believe so… I wish I could talk to her.  I believe she would understand all the stuff I write about… she would be able to affirm my thoughts and feelings… my writings… I wish with all my heart that I could talk to her…

​Anyway… some really GOOD news.   
On Friday 21st, midday, I submitted my two assignments for module one of the Sacred Dying Doula course.  I was very worried, because I really struggled with the 2nd assignment questions.  But guess what… I passed with flying colours and 100%.  I could not believe it… very surprises, but also VERY, VERY HAPPY AND GRATEFUL! 

I’ve already paid for module 2 and received it via email.  I cannot wait for time to get started on that one.  I hope time will allow.  There are only three modules and if all goes well, my dream of becoming a Sacred Dying Doula will at last come true and another reason for my being would have been fulfilled.  I will put my all into this study and pray I continue to do well.
 
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~ Panayiota

I had the lovely privilege of attending the most beautifully done funeral service of the partner of my dear friend Mary-Anne this last week... cried when her lovely granddaughter, Courtney, sang, "Jealous of the Angels"... had to be the most beautiful version of the song I have ever heard... I was deeply touched by that. And then my son and I spent another special day visiting with Mary-Anne on Sunday.

Henry was the wonderful man who, with some assistance from Mary-Anne's dear old dad, made my most treasured little fairy house in 2016, to help me fulfill one of my most longed for childhood dreams.

(A person never really gets over the things they longed for as a child, so it's good to make all dreams come true whenever possible, even in adulthood... why not! I still have one more BIG childhood dreams to fulfill, and that, being for a REAL microscope... but that's a TOO expensive one for now... maybe one day when I'm rich and famous I can make that one come true.  I had a good microscope when I was a little girl.  It had been given to me by one of my mother's boyfriends.  I loved that microscope so much and used to escape into its "MAGIC WORLD" so often... I would love to share that wonderful magic with my grandchildren today)

Anyway, I can't even begin to tell you how much "Patty", my inner child, danced with joy when I received that incredible fairy house gift from Mary-Anne when she visited. It was the sweetest thing ever with real pebble stone walls.  It had a wooden door that opened and had two little windows and a light that could be turned on inside... it looked so beautiful at night with the light shining through the windows onto the beautiful garden scene. It even had four little fairies that had wings that flapped when I pushed a button.

What more could any little girl ask for! I LOVED IT SO MUCH and that HAPPY memory is forever with me now.

My childhood dream had come true... And THEN, the little girl next door saw it and really, really wanted it, and I wanted her to know the joy of her little fairy house dream also coming true without having to wait as long as I did, so I let her take it and I was completely okay with that.

OH JOY!!!

So... a few months ago, I registered for a Sacred Dying Doula course and paid for the first module, but I had done no study yet.  After this last week with saying goodbye to Henry and spending time with my dear friend Mary-Anne, I have been totally inspired to begin my study at last. I printed out the study manual yesterday morning, and with it being quiet at work right now, even though we have just launched our first new online Logotherapy course (Logotherapy for Optimal Living) and learning platform (www.vfisa.co.za), I began my Doula study yesterday. I'm on page 16 of the manual and feel fired up to keep going. I'll keep you all updated on that one.  Having sat with many a dying person, having the absolute privilege of assisting them to cross over to the other side of the veil, and experiencing that as a sacred honour, I wish to continue this work that is so beautiful to my soul.

Rest in Peace dear kind Henry. Thank you for my beautiful fairy house. I love you for doing that for Patty!  It was a most healing gift of love that filled a certain hole in my soul.

With gratitude ~ Panayiota

This says it all for me...

Oh how I long for, and thrive in this kind of love which is so rare, yet so healing, strengthening, wonderfully life-giving and life-sustaining whenever it is given freely to me, and without question.

For an adult survivor of child abuse, this kind of love replaces what was missed out on during childhood. It's the only kind of love that seems to matter at all... the kind of love that CANNOT be pushed out or chased away.

The kind of love where nothing I seem to do or say in my moments of craziness and/or weakness or even SPEAKING MY TRUTH OUT AUTHENTICALLY, or when setting boundaries (often to protect not only myself, but my friendship with another), can chase the other person's love away from me... they seem to understand regardless and are always there... THEY STAY... THEY STICK... THEY ENDURE STEADFASTLY.

FAITHFUL FRIENDS... ANGELS IN DISGUISE.

I have always had such healing angels in my life and just want to say a truly sincere and humble... THANK YOU to them.

The ones who GO AWAY... or whom I succeed in pushing away, always leave behind a HUGE HOLE IN MY SOUL.

Once I have loved... my LOVE ALWAYS REMAINS... so even when the one I loved so much stops loving me or turns their back... regardless of if it was my fault or theirs, I am still left FOREVER HURTING WITHOUT THEM and wishing for it to be the way it was before it all went so horribly wrong.

It is what it is... and I have learned somehow, to just keep going on regardless of the constant reminders of what either was and wasn't when I was a child and so often still is... or what could have been and now is...

MY SEEMINGLY ETERNALLY CONFLICTING REALITY.

Thank you for sharing with me.

~ Panayiota