At the end of 2012, on our last day at the old broken-down house that had been our home for 30 years, we still had not found a new home for three of our four dogs or even for ourselves.  We had managed to find a home for our beautiful puppy, Chester Peanut, but Woody, Mr Dudley Peanut and Mrs Poppy Peanut had not found homes yet and we could not take them with us as we had not yet found a home in our new town.  

​We were beyond exhausted from worrying about our unknown future and from all the packing and throwing away, in order to take as little as possible with us while we stayed with family.  I was at my wits end, not knowing what to do about our beloved dogs.  We called various kennels, but being so close to Christmas, many were fully booked and the one we found that had space wanted to charge us an exorbitant amount a month for each dog.  We could not afford it at all. 
 
There was only one other option, and that was to have our dogs put down on that very day.  We cried and cried and it was a very traumatic day for my son and I.  I called my middle son in a fit of tears and told him that I could not see any other way to save our pets and he told me to hang on, he would try to make a plan.  Within a very short space of time, he called us to let us know that his friends, Deryn and Tracey had agreed to take our dogs for a month.  I could not believe it… there was hope at last.  Maybe in a month we would have found our new home for out dogs and ourselves.  Deryn and Tracey didn’t even know us and had a whole lot of dogs of their own, but out of the kindness of their beautiful hearts, they took ours in and ended up taking care of them for three months before we finally had a place of our own to call home and a place that allowed us to keep our dogs.  At last, we could go and fetch them and bring them home.
 
I remember when we arrived at the gates and I met Deryn and Tracey for the first time, my gratitude for what they had done for our dogs and us, was so overwhelming that I could not hold it all in… knowing also that I’d see my dogs again and that these people had saved their lives for us… Next thing, my blood pressure must have shot up so high that my nose started to bleed, and not just a little bleed, but it was pouring.  I don’t remember all the details, but someone brought a mountain of tissue to help me and my clothes were absolutely drenched in blood.
 
To this day, I love these two friends and their family so much for all they did for our dogs and us and it would please me greatly if I could in some way pay it forward for them. 
 
At this time, Deryn is desperately trying to raise money for a course he would like to study that would help him to find work so that he can support his family better.
 
Please may I ask my readers to forget my recent pleas for fundraising, for my own needs and to please consider helping these dear friends of ours to raise what is needed for Deryn’s studies.   I’d be so grateful for your assistance in this regard.
 
Please follow this link: http://fnd.us/01Pzoe?ref=sh_27eq5a
 
And here is the QR code also:

Thank you so much,
Panayiota.

My purpose in life, is not to sit with the great, but rather, to walk with the broken!  Nothing else therefore should matter anymore, except for me to hold onto my dreams which I know I must never give up on! 
 
Dreams do come true!
 
I'm very open and honest about my struggles, weaknesses, etc. on this blog especially, to the point of giving those people who shamelessly offend myself and those I love, a perfect excuse for their own BAD behaviors.  By exposing so many of my truths, I have allowed myself to become the “loony-tunes scapegoat” others use to cover up their own nonsense, so that they can keep their own place and sense of power and peace perfectly intact, while my place of belonging and need for peace is so easily dismissed.
 
So yes, I realise fully that I am harshly judged by what I share on my blog, but I just don't care anymore.  I've been hated and abused all my life by those who should have loved me, so what difference does it make if I'm hated, accused and even abused still by others.

​All my life I was a groveling people-pleaser, needing people to love me... NO MORE!  I know better, who I am now and am grateful to have discovered, that I'm enough, even entirely on my own.
 
Although I still thrive where I am loved and where I believe that I am believed in, if I have to live without that, I trust that I can survive that emptiness now. 
 
Below:  The following song expresses the stand I have on unconditional love… (NOT ROMANTIC LOVE… so for those who need another story to pit against me, get over yourselves!)  I do not have anyone who I feel romantically attracted to in my life and haven’t for a very, VERY long time.  And although I still dream of being truly loved romantically and being able to trust love romantically again before I die, I am in no particular hurry right now, and I’m not making any major moves in that direction, other than the dream of cosmetic surgery, to sort out my body issues, for JUST IN CASE! (a preparation-step in the right direction for me, towards my dream of meeting “TRUE romantic love” one day.)  I have enough going on in my life for now though to keep me going strong should that dream never quiet make it into my reality. 
 
Thinking seriously about unconditional love, I honestly think that I can only ever promise that to my children and a few others who I believe will always love me unconditionally. I have many friends who I love so much I’d protect them with my life while I believe that they believe in me unconditionally.  The minute I believe that they have stopped believing in me unconditionally… that’s the end of our beautiful relationship… another painful hole in my heart develops… a death of what was once so beautiful and perfect to me. 
 
Harrison Craig - Unconditional (Official Video)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLdNJVAdFw0
 
The reason I am sharing this, is because I really would like those who think and feel as deeply as I do and have struggles similar to mine, to hear the message I am trying to share with you today.  I feel it is such an important message. 
 

• We cannot rely on anyone in our present, to fix what was broken in our past. 
• We cannot hope that they will be able to give to us what was taken away from us in our childhood and past. 
• We cannot expect anyone today to understand the extent of our longings and our pain, or our fears and struggles.  
• We have to find a way to learn to grow beyond our lifelong desperate needs and desires that got stuck in us since the abuse was inflicted on us during our childhood.
• We must grow beyond the very needs and desires we were deprived of back then and that we have been longing for and fighting for ever since.  
• We can never become that child again and find ourselves in a loving home where what was lost would now be given back… IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! 

 
Once we realise how much our longings for what should have been is now affecting our current lives, only then can we begin to face our own behaviours and find a way to modify them so that we are no longer self-destructing our own lives and affecting the lives of others around us. 
 
I am personally working so hard at trying to get this right and I hope I can inspire others to do the same for their own lives and future and for the sakes of those they care about and love most.  Once we can get this right, we will function so much better in this world and have so much more peace of mind.
 
It is only when we can learn to love ourselves unconditionally, that we can truly begin our healing journey. That’s when the attacks of others against our hearts and our deep-set values will no longer have so much power over us to push us down as our abusers once did. 
 

• There will always be those we will lose along the way, because they don’t believe in us, or stop believing in us.
• There will be those who will use our damaged hearts against us to cover up their own deeds. 
• There would even those whom we have stood up for at great cost, who will not be there to stand up for us in the same way, in order to protect their own reputations and create peace for themselves. 
• There will probably NEVER be anyone who would love us as much as we are able to love them… or stand up for us as we would stand up for them. 
• Very few would walk with us if it means they will lose something they need and want in the process.  We will often find ourselves left very much on our own. 

 
It is important therefore, that we do not become bitter, resentful and ugly in dealing with our aloneness and the resulting hurts inflicted on us by an uncaring and selfish world. 
 
It is so important that we do not end up doing the same thing that those who disappoint and hurt us have done.
 
It is important for us to continue to seek all that is good, beautiful, right, healing and true, even if we only ever find it in serving others in need of our love, experience, unique talents and care.
 
It is important that we always continue to dream our dreams and reach for our stars… even those that seem totally impossible and unreachable.    
 
This is my message today.
 
Below:  I often identify and visualise my future-self in the stories of others and rejoice at seeing their “I’VE ARRIVED” moments happening for them.  I believe that my life is still going somewhere… that no matter how many in this world turn against me still, one day my TRUE STORY will be heard and acknowledged and on that beautiful day of TRUE FREEDOM from my past, I will prove to this world at last, that I AM A SOMEBODY!  Even if this only happens after my death… I TRULY BELIEVE IT WILL HAPPEN EVENTUALLY.
 
Harrison Craig Sings Broken Vow: The Voice Australia Season 2
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgflbGzlCeY
 
Jahmene Douglas’ audition – Etta James’ At Last-The X Factor UK 2012
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-xndZZjM4A&list=PLLJQHjmJHb1olEa7FIETgf_bN_Q0l0IBs
 
Susan Boyle - Britains Got Talent 2009 Episode 1 - Saturday 11th April | HD High Quality https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk
 
I Dreamed a Dream
Susan Boyle
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I prayed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hopes apart
And they turn your dreams to shame
And still I dream he'd come to me
That we would live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream, I dreamed
 
Songwriters: Alain Albert Boublil / Claude Michel Schonberg / Herbert Kretzmer / Jean Marc Natel
I Dreamed a Dream lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc
 
Bars & Melody - Simon Cowell's Golden Buzzer act | Britain's Got Talent 2014
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3Rf5qDuq7M
 
And to finish off this post, a song that have taken on as my own and love very much: Man of La Mancha (6/9) Movie CLIP - Don Quixote's Impossible Dream (1972) HD
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=US2nyRgg-SY
 
This is the music that is standing out for me today as I am sharing with you all.  I know I’ve shared some of the same before… but for today, these are very meaningful to me as I share.  Impossible Dream was playing in my head when I went to sleep last night and was still there when I woke up… this spurred me to write today's post.
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~ Panayiota

Petrol fund covered
I just had to let you know that by yesterday, I had not been able to raise any funds for getting too and from the student workshops next month and I was getting really worried.  I even wrote a letter to our accountant to ask if he would let me have my end of year bonus at the start of November, but I chickened out, feeling embarrassed about asking, and deleted it without sending, thinking I’d wait a few more days first. 
 
Then during the afternoon, I received a WhatsApp message with news of a most beautiful blessing that would cover the costs of my traveling expenses.  I am truly very grateful and feel so relieved and once again, very blessed and loved by LIFE.

​Cosmetic surgery fund
As for the cosmetic surgery I am still hoping to raise funds for, I started to doubt myself and this dream when I did not receive any response to my last post.  Like… who am I kidding!  But I don’t know what happened as I wrestled with the whole notion of not only the possibility of my body looking good again one day by having the excess skin removed, but also, by the thought of maybe, one day, really finding true love… I argued with myself, because, how could I ever trust the love of a man again… how could I even believe that there was someone out there for me… I remember the beautiful song I love… “Somewhere out there” from the film, “An American Tail”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkI-B2JWSZI
 
There is hope… there has to be hope still… there is always, ALWAYS HOPE.
 
I cannot allow the negative voices from my past to continue to convince me that I am not worthy of love, or to look and feel really good in my own skin, etc. 
 
And so, I have decided, that even if I go to my grave with this dream never having come true, I would also go to my grave, having never given up on it.
 
Once again, I appeal for help, to raise anything between R20 000, to R100 000 for the cosmetic surgery
I would need.  R20 000 would cover the abdominoplasty operation which is so very important for me to get done. Even if it was the only operation I could ever raise funds for, I’d be grateful for the rest of my life to have that horrible, ugly loose skin removed. 
 
R100 000 is what I believe will cover all the operations I would like done… after the abdomen, I’d ask for the loose skin on my arms to be done… and then a boob lift… after that, I’d decide on a thigh skin reduction and face lift… in that order of priority as I imagine it all happening at this time.  But right now, the abdominoplasty is my top priority.
 
Having something to dream about gives my life meaning.  It gives me something to believe in and hope for, so it is good for my soul.  I therefore chose to never give up on my dreams.  If it is meant to be, then it will be… if not… then I will accept that and be content as I leave this world one day, with whatever dreams yet still unfulfilled, so long as I can say with my dying breath… I never gave up on them.
 
My daughter in law bought me a beautifully fitting sports bra a week or so ago and oh my goodness me, what a difference it made to the way I look… like day and night!  I sent her a picture first, of the “after” … with the bra on and it actually looked really great… and then a picture of the “before” without it… she had such a good laugh (cheeky girl!) which had me laughing so much too… I still laugh when I think about her reaction!  There is no ways I’d feel comfortable sharing my life with a man the way I look now.
 
Thank you for sharing with me,
 
Gratefully,
Panayiota 

Friday, 12 October 2018
I posted on my Facebook page and on our community Facebook page am:
PLEASE HELP BABY BIRD... Does anyone know someone in our area who knows how to rear a baby bird?  A little dove fell out of its’ nest during the night... had a big ball of poop the size of a small chicken’s egg stuck to its tail end feathers, so I had to pick it up to cut that off. Its’ mother sat nearby on the wall calmly watching me, but I haven't seen her since I left the baby exactly where I found it in my herb pot under the tree.  Later in the day, I went out and gave it water to drink, and now I've cooked mielie meal in case I need to feed it (I don’t have seeds).  Tomorrow I have to be out most of the day to visit with my friend for us to go and choose our prize-winning clothes.  A huge rainstorm is predicted to arrive from tonight and all day tomorrow, so it can’t be left alone in the pot.  Please someone, help (Would you be prepared to take the little bird in for the day even, to at least give it water and try to feed it to keep it alive until I'm back).
 
The little bird was about the size of my fist… only just starting to develop its flight feathers.  It was still very much reliant on its mother and needed to get back to its’ nest, but it was too high up and therefore impossible to get it back there without a very long ladder which I didn’t have.  My neighbours were working on a car out the front all day, so I believed that their presence is what kept the mother bird from returning.
 
During the day, one of my Facebook friends put me onto someone who gave me a contact in my area.  A bird-lady came to pick up the little bird much later in the day.   But all through the day while I was still trying to find help for the little one, I was worrying about the impending storm and the baby bird alone in my herb pot under the tree that it fell out of.  I struggled greatly as I kept checking very quietly through the net curtains, (without moving them)… hoping that I would see the mother bird coming to feed her baby. 
 
My nurturing side was stretched to my limits… I had no way to save the little bird from its loneliness.  I knew that if I interfered with it again, it would have no chance of its’ mother’s return. 
 
“Why had she not come back?” I agonized… “Had I missed her in-between my checks through the curtain?” 
 
I worried all day long, that the cat that frequently visits our yard, would return.  This made me feel very disturbed that the little bird was in danger.  I tried to get my work done but was far too distracted by my worries to do much.  A heavy, chilly wind also picked up during the day and I knew that the little bird must have been cold without its mother.  Late afternoon, when I couldn’t bear it anymore, I went and fed the baby a little mielie-meal… not very successfully… it only swallowed less than a pea size… its crop was completely empty at the time, so my fears that the mother bird had not been there to feed it were confirmed.  I surrounded it with dried leaves to try and keep it warm and gave it some water which it drank thirstily.  I dropped birdseed that I had asked another neighbour for into the herb pot around the little bird in the hopes that it would be big enough to eat, or that its’ mother would be attracted by the seed to her baby. 
 
It was late in the day, and arrangements had been made… the bird-lady was already on her way to pick up the baby, and by then, the neighbours who had been out the front most of the day, had finally gone inside and it was at last quiet and still outside, except for the icy wind…….. and lo and behold, the mother dove then returned to her baby, and even another bigger dove was with her, so I presume that was the daddy.  They jumped into the herb pot and the mother dove ate and fed her baby over and over and while she was eating, the baby snuggled under the warmth of her wings. 
 
I cannot begin to tell you what a dilemma that created for my mommy heart, because I knew that soon her baby would be taken away for the sake of its’ safety, because the big storm was still threatening. 
 
The mother kept flying up to her nest and calling her baby which kept jumping up the edges of the pot trying to get to her, but to no avail.  I worried that it would fall out again.  It was getting dark and I could see that the mother bird was totally flustered, not knowing what to do to help her baby up. 
 
Once during the day, the baby had managed to jump over the edge of the pot which was about a meter off of the ground, and had landed in another container on the ground that had about an inch of water in it… so the poor thing had been in that water for anything up to an hour when I found it and put it back in the herb-pot.  I just didn’t know what else to do!  All I knew, was that it had to be ‘alone’ where the mother bird last saw it for it to have the best chance of survival.  The cold bricks on the ground below would not have been a suitable place for the little one.  At least the pot with soil and herbs in it provided more shelter than the bricks would have.
 
The mother and father weren’t with the baby when the bird-lady arrived, but by then, my heart was breaking, and I felt so confused about what was right and what was wrong for the little bird.  The bird-lady agreed that it was not possible to get the baby back up to its nest and promised to do her best to take care of it.  As I handed the baby over to the lady, I experienced a flashback of note and burst into helpless sobbing.  I tried to explain to her what I thought was happening, but I was crying so uncontrollably that I don’t know if I made any sense at all.  She was very compassionate about my state and I felt extremely comforted by her gentle way of dealing with what she had not expected to happen.  I literally cried as if a loved one had just died…
 
I was grieving a very painful loss from my past… an absolute sense of helplessness…
 
When I later pondered on what had happened during the flashback, I knew exactly where it came from in my past.  I had somehow connected the helplessness I had felt all day long for the little bird, with the helplessness I felt as a child, being unable to rescue or help my little sister when she was being abused.  It’s all a very long story that I share in my book, and also try to explain in a little therapy story I once wrote that I hope will be published someday soon.  The title of that little book is, “Escape from the Violent Storms”.
 
As part of my unedited introduction to this therapy story, I wrote: ©
Patty tells her story in a metaphorical style which is indicative of the creative mindset she developed to help her survive over the years.
 
All through the years of her life, Patty was never able to find the sad little girl who cried mournfully in the haunted mansion, and she was never quite sure who the little girl might be. I have wondered (as I’ve gone through therapy in my adulthood and learned to understand things a little better), if perhaps the sad little girl could have been Patty’s own unhappy and frightened inner-child relentlessly crying out for help and love from a deep, dark, broken place that still existed inside of her adult self. Another thought on the sad little girl’s mournful wails may possibly have been haunting memories that Patty had stored in her mind during states of dissociation after being raped by her stepfather and placed alone in a bath to wash all his evidence off, and then hearing her little sisters cries perhaps as she too suffered at the cruel hands of their stepfather, or, if it was indeed her sister’s cries, they may have been a desperate intended plea for Patty to come do something to help save her, but Patty couldn’t at the time, due to having escaped from her own sufferings by dissociating, to preserve her ‘self’, therefore not being able to come back quickly enough to rescue her sister.
 
I will probably never know, because all through my life, the sad little girls crying has always been just too distant for me to ever find her so that I could see who she was and rescue her! I just haven’t been able to do it on my own, and it was only through the intensive therapy process that I have been so blessed to receive over the last few years that the sad little girl eventually stopped crying and Patty was finally able to stop searching for her.
 
As part of my actual unedited therapy story, I wrote: ©
Often when Patty was feeling very lonely and sad, she would start to hear a mournful, muffled, bitter, crying voice of a small child echoing through the darkness from somewhere in the mansion. She wanted to help the melancholy child, but no matter how far she searched down the dark and frightening corridors, she could never find the right door that would lead to where the sad child was.
 
Sometimes Patty was sure she was close to finding the crying child, but when she tried to open the tall black doors, they were always locked, and when she banged hard on the doors and called to the child, the crying would stop for a while, and then return as if in a far distance, echoing again with an eerie sadness, from some other dark and lonely place in the mansion.
 
Deep down, I think that I know that it was my little sister who I could not save from her sufferings.  I was too small, or too far away in my dissociation-escape to be able to do anything to rescue her from my stepfather, and if she was being beaten by our mother, I had no chance at all of rescuing her… I was too small and far too afraid to dare to defy mother during or even after one of her vicious attacks on us… and so, as a result, I was haunted repeatedly for almost the entire 50 years of my life by the little girls wailing cries, because, I had no way to ever reach her, to help her.  I know for sure in my heart, that the flashback was a result of this when I handed that little bird over to the bird-lady.  A sense of abject helplessness… yet, even though it triggered overwhelming and uncontrollable tears, I somehow knew, that this lady was here to help… I was not alone… the little bird was now in good, genuinely loving hands and would be safe and warm.  
 
I wonder now, was this a healing opportunity for me.  A moment in time, where someone had come to our rescue…  my sister would be safe and warm… she would be loved and protected from the darkness of the night, the abject aloneness and the frightening storm. 
 
The next morning the bird-lady called to let me know, that although the little bird seemed to be quite strong when she took it, it had died during the night, still in the little ball of feather’s position that it had gone to sleep in.  She did not expect that it had suffered before it died, thankfully.  But on inspecting it after she’d found it dead, she said that there was bruising to its abdomen which had probably been caused in the fall from its’ nest the night before.  And she also suggested that the ball of poop that I’d found stuck to it was not natural and that maybe there was some other problem that caused the little one to die.
 
Hearing that the little bird had died did not evoke any kind of undue sadness for me… The little bird was free.  It would no longer have to suffer anything this world had to throw at it.  It did not die alone outside in the dark and storms of life… it died in a loving, nurturing, warm place… I felt relieved.  Of course, there was some sadness… I felt sad for the mother bird who had come back to feed it the evening before and had tried so hard to call it back to its’ nest.  I would have liked to have heard that it made it… so, I can’t imagine anyone would understand fully… but I felt very relieved also, that it was no longer in danger from this cruel world… the little bird was now safe in its place of death.
 
Another little creature across the Beautiful Rainbow-Bridge, which will greet me someday when I get there.  I too will be free and won’t be alone when I die… I have friends in Heaven.
 
Thank you for sharing with me today.
 
~  Panayiota.

​Warning:  If any of my family, friends, blog readers and colleagues feel that they might be offended by seeing pictures at the end of this post of my skin problem, please give this post a miss, thank you.
 
It’s a long story, but I’d be so very grateful for sponsorship at this time, to have my dream of cosmetic surgery done, and so, I am reaching out for your assistance with this please.  
 
I’ve been seriously lacking sleep just lately over all of this.  I was so looking forward to the Dr’s visit, scheduled for Wednesday 3rd.  My youngest son went with me, and thank goodness he did, because I would have gotten so lost and it was so good to have his company.  He’d traveled that road often, so knew most of the way and we were only a few minutes late, but the Dr was even later as she warned she might be, because she was still operating when we arrived.
 
I’m going to share conversations that I already shared with my friends, because I don’t have a lot of time now as this is the time of the year that I’m marking student’s portfolios and need to keep up with those.  I probably won’t even be able to do much more blogging for a while also, until after the first week of December again.  I’ll see how it goes, but I will keep you updated at least once a week of any funds raised.
 
1st October: (PREPARING FOR DOCTOR’S VISIT)
Facebook conversation: I now need to prepare for Wednesday's Dr's visit and Thursday's presentation. I wanted to show the cosmetic surgeon what I used to look like and why I now have so much ugly loose skin... check out these photos... oh my giddy aunt! I used to be huge! How I survived those really bad-health days, I will NEVER know!  It’s amazing what Logotherapy has done to change so much, my life and health for the better... I am in awe and totally grateful beyond words!

Picture of me in 2011 - I'm sure I weighed well over 130 kilograms (kg's) at that time

My mentor, Teria and I in Israel where I presented to two groups there in 2012... it was totally life-changing time for me.

One year, I had already lost a whole lot of weight when I visited my lovely little sister in Dallas, Texas in 2013, where I presented at the 19th World Congress of Logotherapy there. 

Friends typed responses: (AFTER SEEING THESE PHOTOS)
PC: You are. Amazing! In so many ways.  💕
CE: Awesome my friend... You have done really well with losing weight ❤️
CSL: So proud of you Panny!!!
HH: Yup!! So very proud of you. You have come a long way. Love you ❤xxx
IP: Really proud of how far you have come. Keep reaching for the stars. You look incredible
AM: No. Matter how "small" you become your heart always stayed the same. Such an inspiration to us.
 
Good news: (BLESSED WITH A CLOTHE’S SHOPPING SPREE)
A dear friend (MAF) entered a competition and won R5000 for her and a friend (me) to share… R2500 each for new clothing!  What an incredible blessing.  I will have new, well-fitting and smart cloths for the students’ workshops in November.  I’m so excited!  We will make a plan to go on our shopping trip together soon.  This to me is what I believe is a miracle, because new smart-clothes are so needed at this time.  I’ve always said that I have lived a “Charmed Life”, because no matter how bad it ever got, the blessings, miracles and tender mercies never ceased to come and bless me in the midst of it all.  There are no words for my gratitude for this.
 
2nd October: (VERY ANXIOUS)
Facebook conversation: So, this is me right now... explosive anxiety over Dr's visit tomorrow... Will let you all know how it goes... <3 If you do any praying, I could do with some prayers right now... thanks <3 <3 <3

​Friends typed responses and some of mine:
VVDM: Please don't be anxious. Look at it as a gift to yourself. You are in my prayers and thoughts, but don't stress, the doctor knows what she's doing and it's a journey and you will come out the other side so proud of yourself ♥
Panayiota: Trying not to be anxious my dearest (V), but my head has a way of playing tricks on me! Working on it though, because I KNOW this is a gift from Life at this time and that all will be well... but that doesn't stop my inner-beings from throwing their own thoughts on the subject around in my head! A good night’s sleep would help... hopefully tonight.
MJVV: Everything's going to be o.k!
VVDM: ♪ ♪ Don't worry, about a thing, cos every little thing's gonna be alright ♪ ♪ Not my words, Bob Marley's :D
CM: My thoughts & prayers are with you my friend... HUGE BIG HUG to you from me... Love you lots ❤️🤗
MAF: Good luck. Treat this as another adventure on your life journey. So excited for you. 😘❤
DRC: You are beautiful regardless my Pana.. you deserve this! MA has a great approach xxx love you
 
WhatsApp conversation with a close friend and Logotherapist
Panayiota: …I haven’t slept properly for days on end, worrying about this cosmetic surgery.  In my mind, I can’t separate the fact that it’s only a doctor’s visit from the operation.  I’ve already played the operation scenario over in my head so many times that for me, it’s like I’m going straight in for the operation.  So, I can’t separate that… even logically, I am talking about it right now, but logically it’s not going into my head that way, but I think it’s getting there.
DRC:  I think you are preparing yourself in advance for the operation even though it is not taking place at the Dr’s visit.  The op will follow, so even though you are not having it now you know you are going to have it, so you are mentally preparing yourself in advance.
Panayiota:  Absolutely… even throwing what I’ll need in a suitcase already!  Took down my hospital box and selected summer nighties from there and found two brand new pairs of white panties.  They were a gift many years ago that were too small, but now they fit perfectly… YAY!  My current underclothes are embarrassingly in tatters!  Logic tells me it’s a long time away, but something else has kicked in causing extreme restlessness and lack of sleep… BE PREPARED!
DRC: Oh, my friend… it’s taking you out of your comfort zone, your safe place.  Your routine and work will also be slightly compromised.  There are a lot of unknowns and also risks as there are in every operation.  You will also be under an aesthetic, so perhaps all these things are at the back of your mind.  There may be a fear of being exposed.  There is also the recovery process.  Also worry about your son and dog left at home.  I think if you feel well prepared then it will reduce your anxiety.  I remember how anxious you were when you went to the “More to Life” weekend.  Having said that, it is also a ‘dream come true’… an opportunity you can’t pass up.  It is almost inevitable that it will take place… so, in order to go through with it, you have to deal with all the fear that comes with it… the preparing is how you deal with it.  Remember that life is there to support you through this, and as much as it’s scary, you have a lot of loved one’s routing for you.  It’s the final step to a ‘new you’… a shedding of the false protective layers of the past.  You are ready for this! 
Panayiota:  Thank you so much.  I really appreciate what you have said, very much.  I’ve tried to think where the fear is coming from.  I think if I look back to my childhood…  my mother moved literally every six months and a year was like the longest period we ever stayed in a home, so, very often we were moving, losing the friends we had, leaving pets behind, sending them away.  You know, even furniture we put sentimental feeling onto… and like my mom’s car (OUR car!), a old green Morris that we called “Old faithful”, that it even took on a life… like a friend to us… One day we were walking home from school and there it was in a garage with a “For Sale” sign on it.  We were horrified and cried so much!  She hadn’t warned us or anything.  So, I think that any new thing… big thing like this, is very frightening for me.  It’s almost like I’m going to lose everything… I must grab everything while I can.  It’s almost like a survival instinct, because it’s too big to contemplate and put in order.  I can’t even explain it fully… it’s quite scary.  So, I have to be very prepared, so like even going to the Dr on Wednesday, I’d leave an hour earlier than I would need to.  I’d rather arrive there an hour earlier and sit and wait than be late.  And I’m already preparing what foods I must take with, what I must do… it’s too much to think about… but all it is, is only a Dr’s visit!  I shouldn’t be scared!  I have a feeling that because it’s a training hospital, I wouldn’t mind if there’s a few students standing around seeing me naked to chat about the skin… I think I will be okay with that… I’m not sure.  But I’m already having intrusive thoughts about being in hospital overnight… maybe being raped and too trapped by pain to help myself (flashbacks)… (tears), so that’s the sort of thing that’s already going through me head!  So, ja, it’s a bit scary!  What’s keeping me going at this time, is marking the student’s portfolios flat out as I am right now.  I feel I should be preparing, but the marking is keeping me sane for now.  Anyway, thank you so much for understanding.  Love you lots.
DRC: (continued to counsel me with her incredible logo-wisdom and it helped so much – she felt it was important that I need to feel safe… to put things into place in advance to help me feel safe when the time comes.  To have someone sit with me at the hospital, accompany me on the entire journey, even the preparation, etc. to help me to feel safe and so I don’t feel alone on this journey, etc. I am sure, that if it was possible, that sure would help me so much. I avoid putting people out, but… a friend in need, is a friend indeed)
 
Posted another post later in the day: (HEALTH CHECK UP)
Facebook conversation: The Dr wanted me to go to have my blood pressure and sugar tested before I visit her tomorrow... so I just got back from the pharmacy sister who is such a sweetheart (I don’t see her very often, but when I do, it’s like visiting with a dear friend)... blood pressure: 134/65 and sugar: 5.3... everything's perfectly ok... :) <3
 
When I remember all the years of very high blood pressures... migraine headaches... water retention... pitting oedema, rapid heartbeat, constant heart palpitations, etc., I am now healthier than ever before, because all of that is gone and I’m also living as if I don’t even have diabetes anymore due to diet-lifestyle changes... Missing out on old-favourite foods is well worth the sacrifice for this good health!
 
I am so grateful for the strength that my work and my studies of Logotherapy has given me and the support from all of you over all the years that has helped me to get to where I am today.
 
THANK YOU SO MUCH! <3 <3 <3
 
Typed responses from friends:
HS: Congratulations, Panny. Well done. Eating right can change so much, but it's your commitment to it that has brought this about 🙌🙌🙌
HH: Well done 😊😊😊. Fab news. Let the good times roll!!! xxx
 
3rd October: (THE BIG DAY HAS ARRIVED)
The BIG day has arrived, and we will be out of here around 11am today to travel to Pretoria for my first consultation with the cosmetic surgeon at 1pm...
 
I'm feeling better now that today is here... I can't wait to hear what she says... dreading that she might tell me to lose more weight first... EEK! What more can I give up on of my diet.
 
Exercise comes to mind... I just might be more motivated to venture out of my gates to walk, if I know that the operation is set to remove the ugly abdominal skin. Yes... that might be exactly what is needed!
 
We have decided that we will not be paying the lady to help us with all the paperwork at the hospital. R2000 is far too much and we couldn’t raise it anyway, so even if we must go there on another day for that and stay all day moving from queue to queue, then so be it... we've done it before and we never died... I HATE IT... especially observing the horrors and inhumanity of what patients must go through to receive TLC... they DON'T receive much at govt hospitals from what we've witnessed in the past.  There are just too many patients at once and too few doctors and nursing staff to cope with it all and the human nurturing side is affected as a result.  I always come away feeling traumatised... but... maybe this hospital will be different... praying it will be.
 
Friends typed responses and some of mine:
JF: Thinking of you with ALL my heart. Lots of love Pani. It WILL all work out. It ALWAYS does. Lots of prayers for you....
Panayiota: Yes dearest (J)... it does indeed always work out... <3 I love you <3
HS: Good luck, Panny. You will be in good hands, they will be kind and good to you. Love you lots <3
Panayiota: I can't wait to report back to you all. I'm packing so much food and stuff just for the Dr's visit, you'd be sure I was going away on holiday... haaahaaa! I have to be prepared for any eventuality! <3
DAM: Prayers and Hugs that all will be good ❤️💐❤️
Panayiota: MWA! :*
MW: May it all go well! 😊 Lots of love ♥️
Panayiota: Thank you (M)... BIG HUGS <3
MMNE: Prayers and hugs for today <3
Panayiota: Bless you (M)... Thanks so much <3 <3 <3
IP: Good luck for today Pat 💜💜
Panayiota: I'm so grateful for your support on this journey my dear sister... please hug my brother for me... I pray all will go well for him today also. I love you both and family so much <3 <3 <3
APS: Good luck Pat xxx
Panayiota: Thanks so much dearest (A)... Lots of love to you <3 <3 <3
VVDM: Good luck, my friend. I also wouldn't pay someone R2000 to do some papers, you go, girl xxx
Panayiota: Thanks, my dear (V)... yes... we've done the horrors of the govt hospital system before and we can do it again to save spending that amount! I'm grateful we won't be taking the easy way out... we would need that money for next month far more... HUGS and love to you too <3 <3 <3
HH: All the luck in the world and will phone you to hear how it went. 😘❤xx
Panayiota: It was so great catching up with you yesterday my dear friend... I love you forever and wish you all the blessings in the world at this time <3 <3 <3
CL: Good luck xx
Panayiota: Thanks so much <3 <3 <3
BN: Thinking of you!! You have come SUCH a long way!!
CM: Praying that everything goes well with your appointment my friend... HUGE BIG HUG to you from me... Love you ❤️🤗
Panayiota: (Love sticker)
MM: Going with you in my thoughts.
Panayiota: It means a lot to me that you popped in here today dear (M)... thank you so much <3
MM: Of course, I pop in whenever I see that my fb friend is doing something so significant. 💐
Panayiota: (Love sticker)
 
Posted again later in the day after the Dr’s visit: (HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT)
Facebook conversation: HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT... Just arrived home feeling very flat... and embarrassed... How will I tell my FB friends and family... Huge misunderstanding...
 
I saw the Dr... she took photos, measurements, history, everything... said I'd need the bigger operation due to loads of loose skin and folds from my abdomen going around the sides to my back... so would have a cut across the tummy and a little way around the back also and all the way up the center of my abdomen also and they would need to sew the abdominal muscles back together, because they had shifted quite far apart due to childbirth... my weight was perfect for my height and therefore the operation was promised around March next year... She took so much time explaining everything to me and was so patient and kind.
 
And then she hit me with it... R20000 for the op... :'(
 
Vanished dream... I'd now have to raise at least R100000 for all the areas of excess skin to be sorted out! Unless someone would open a Go-Fund-Me account and do the fund-raising drive for me (GFM does not operate in South Africa), then there's nothing else I can think of other than continuing to make pleas on my blog... also very embarrassing for me, but…
 
I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO LIVE A BETTER LIFE!
 
I can't talk about it now. I have a presentation to go over for tomorrow at one of our local woman's places of safety. I need to stay strong, so must block my disappointment and just get on with what I need to do now for the sake of tomorrow.
 
I will write about this all on my blog on the weekend. I will need to get it all off my chest by then, otherwise it will just fester in me... writing is my saving grace, because deep down, I know that someone out there really, really cares. I know that most of you taking the time to read this really do care! Thank you <3 <3 <3
 
I am so sorry to bring you this disappointing news my dear friends and thank you for supporting me through the HOPE...
 
Perhaps there is still hope... but I can't think about it now... there's a presentation waiting for me to get to...
 
Goodnight beautiful world... I love you ❤️❤️❤️
 
Friends typed responses and mine:
CSL: I'm so sorry Panny! I can only imagine how you are feeling right now, don't worry about disappointing us, you never will! We are so proud of your courage!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Panayiota: Forever my soul-doctor and dear friend... I love you so much <3
HH: Oh Panny what a huge disappointment for you. I feel your embarrassment and pain, I really do, but all is not lost and I am sure if this is meant to be, it will happen. Have faith my friend. Lots of love ❤❤
Panayiota: Thanks for always understanding exactly how it feels, ever since our school days my dearest friend... we are like two peas in a pod... 🤗... I just remember what you told me about our wonderful giggling friendship days together way-back-when... and a smile spread across my heart... Thank you for all who you are to me... Forever <3
CE: I am SO sorry to hear that my friend... HUGE BIG HUG to you from me... You are a very brave woman... Thinking of you... Love you always ❤️🤗
Panayiota: Thank you for always caring so much dearest (C)... what a beautiful friend you have been... one day we shall meet ;) <3 I love you too <3
CE: Be kind to yourself my friend... Love you ❤️🤗
BN: There is always still hope my friend ❤️
Panayiota: Oh yes (B)... that's one thing we can't deny... there is always, always hope... there's always a tomorrow... I love you lots and lots <3 <3 <3
VVDM: Oh no, I'm SO sorry you've been disappointed in this way. Chin up, at least you have your health and this is not life-threatening. Love you any which way, my friend ♥ But we'll still continue to pray for miracles, they do happen ♥
Panayiota: Thank you so much my dear (V)... you made me think of another poem I once wrote... added below. I really do believe in daily Miracles which are always available to us, if we only just open our eyes and ears to them and reach out to receive them, we will realise that they were there all the time, just waiting for us already. I love you (V) and I'm so grateful for your genuine presence and care <3 <3 <3
PARS: I am so sorry my beautiful sister...You are forever in my prayers. Sending you hugs and love always. <3 I can just imagine the tremendous disappointment and sadness you are feeling...so terribly sorry. <3
Panayiota: Bless you my beloved sister... yesterday was hard, but after a pretty decent sleep, I am doing well today and loving the beautiful cool day and the sweet, reassuring sounds of the birds outside my window. It truly is a beautiful day today and to feel the reassuring love of my friends and family here is all I needed to rise above yesterday... I'll be okay now I promise... I love you with all my heart forever and ever <3 <3 <3
HS: Oh, Panny, I'm so sorry for your disappointment and that you are feeling down. I'm so sorry you have experienced this as embarrassing. It is never embarrassing to go after what you desire. I admire your courage for doing just that. There is no other way by which we can accomplish anything. This is a hiccup, not a dead end. Whether you are successful in raising the money or not, you will find a pathway through this to a place in which you are content and happy. Keep your end goal front and centre and see how things come together to make the right thing happen. Love you lots <3
Panayiota: You are such an inspiration lovely Friend... thank you so much for your wisdom and love <3 <3 <3 BIG HUGS <3 <3 <3 Love you too :*
JF: I SO agree with (H) LOTS of love
Panayiota: HUGS my (J)... I love you <3 <3 <3
RY: So sorry for you dearest Pat. Sending lots of love hugs and kisses (J&R) ❤️❤️🤗🤗🙏🙏
Panayiota: I love you and (J) so much dear (R). It's not often that church members comment on my posts, so I often wonder why they friended me in the first place. I always let people know that I'm genuinely too busy to check up their posts, and I very rarely Friend someone for that very reason... but if a person friends me, I start to wonder why, when I never hear from them on my page... but you are so often here and for that I am truly grateful... you are true friends and I love you for that <3 <3 <3
 
Panayiota: Thank you so much my dear friends... you made me think of some poems I once wrote:
 
THERE’S ALWAYS HOPE
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Oh yes, there’s always hope,
There’s always a tomorrow,
And no one knows what tomorrow holds,
Of joys, or trials, or sorrow.
No one can predict the fate that lies ahead,
Why waste time being a pessimist,
Filling your thoughts with dread?
For while there’s life within you,
And as sure as tomorrow will come,
Your life could change in an instant,
As the light that comes from the sun.
Clouds may come and go, blocking out its rays,
For a while it may be dark and cold,
But there’s still hope of warm sunny days.
So, cherish every minute,
No matter what state you are in
Let love fill those empty spaces,
For who knows what tomorrow will bring?
 
~ Panayiota
(16th June 1995)
 
THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Oh, how discouraged I feel today,
The pain in my heart won't go away.
Like a smoldering coal after the flames have gone out,
It lingers and burns in my heart filled with doubt.
My thoughts like the wind, they come and go,
Lighting the dark coals with a furious glow.
And so, the pain lingers for hour upon hour,
Hurting me so with unbearable power.
But one thing's for sure when I'm feeling most sore,
I can still think of something that's worth living for.
Just like the coals that continue to glow,
There does come a time when the fire will go.
And so, there is hope no matter how bad,
Things may appear when I'm feeling so sad.
 
~ Panayiota
(29th April 94’)
 
AN ABUNDANCE OF MIRACLES
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I marvel at the way God Works in every aspect of my life,
His Touch, each time is a Miracle that helps me through the strife.
I feel His Warm Embrace whenever I am down,
He has a Gentle, Loving Way of softening every frown.
It’s He who holds me tightly when tears of sadness flow,
He’s with me every minute and He always lets me know.
He sends little reminders to show His Awesome Love,
I try to feel and see each one; for I know they’re from above.
I’m grateful every day, for His Miracles so True,
And I know He Gives Them Generously, to not just me but you.
 
~ Panayiota
(12th May 1999)
 
On the way to and from the hospital:
On the way to the hospital, I was in high spirits… a bit anxious about THE UNKNOWN and finding the place, but our TomTom picked up the name of the hospital up easily, so that gave me some confidence that it knew where to take us.  The scenery was lovely with fields, trees, wild flowers and mountains and we were delighted to see guinea fowl, sheep, horses, donkeys, small ponies, wildebeest, monkeys, cows, springbok, and possibly blesbok… I wasn’t sure of those.  My son and I chatted away about all that we were seeing and so much more.  When we arrived at the hospital, we were totally surprised to see little monkeys running all over the hospital grounds in among the cars and up the trees… just seemed so surreal to me.  My son happened to have a banana with him, and one little monkey came right up to him, sat politely in front of him and stretched it’s two little arms up as if begging, with it’s big sad eyes staring into his… so he gave it a chunk of banana which it held tightly in it’s two front hands and nibbled with delight.
 
On the way back from the hospital:
Going home, we were both very quiet and subdued… disappointed and our spirits flattened.  My son drove, and I buried myself in my cellphone… head down… escaping into the misery of my disappointment.  After a little way, my thoughts turned to how grateful I was for my son who was sitting so quietly next to me, and his incredible patience on trips such as this.  So many times, in the past, he accompanied me to those awful all-day, claustrophobic sitting and queuing at the govt hospitals, before I went on my low-end medical aid which affords me better treatment and hospital care now (but definitely not cosmetic surgery) … (I’ve been so healthy, I’ve only used my medical aid once since I got it a good while ago, to visit a Dr and twice to a dentist!  Unbelievable).  Thinking of my son, I suddenly felt overwhelmed with love and gratitude for him… He has always made me feel safe and supported on such trips as this.  We were happy on the way to the Dr, and now this miserable state… “NO! NO! NO!” I told myself, this was not fair to him, or even to myself!  
 
The memory of a Frankl quote I particularly love inspired me in that moment, to adjust my attitude to my disappointment…
 
“In life the opportunities to address oneself to this or that group of values vary from hour to hour. Sometimes life demands of us the realization of creative values; at other times we feel it necessary to turn to the category of experiential values. At one time we are called upon, as it were, to enrich the world by our actions, another time to enrich ourselves by our experiences. Sometimes the demands of the hour may be fulfilled by an act, at another time by our surrendering to the glory of an experience. Man can be “obligated” to experience joy. In this sense a person sitting in a streetcar who has the opportunity to watch a wonderful sunset, or to breathe in the rich scent of flowering acacias, and who instead goes on reading his newspaper, could at such a moment be accused of being neglectful toward his obligations” (Frankl 1986:45) ~ The Doctor and the Soul
 
So, I pulled myself together immediately, put down my phone and made up my mind to wake back up to the beauty we were traveling through… “How dare I miss this!” I thought.  Soon we’d be back home, and all this beauty would be gone… No!  I could not just let it pass me by.  So, I looked up and looked across the fields and spoke to my son about what we were seeing.  I told him that it was not over, and I was not going to give up on my dream.  At one stage, we went through a slight drizzle which dotted our windscreen… we opened our windows and put our hands out to feel the wind and rain on them… I remembered doing that as a child… and it was GOOD.   
 
A few days later, my youngest son said out of the blue, that if he won some competition he’d entered (R5000 prize), it would be enough to get started on saving for my operation.  I thought that was so sweet coming from him.  I never expected it at all.  I felt his love for me right there and then.  What a blessing he has been during difficult times and, I am truly very grateful for him.
 
4th October - am (THANK YOU!)
Facebook conversation: I am so deeply touched by all your presence and messages on my last post... thank you with all my heart... YOU are the wind beneath my wings... :) <3 <3 <3
 
My faraway sister always says that to me... well, now I'm saying it to YOU, because it's true... I'm ready to take LIFE on again... whatever! It's a beautiful new day... cool weather also which for me is a blessing... how could I complain about anything on such a lovely day <3 <3 <3
 
I slept reasonably well last night... so all good and my presentation today is only at 2pm, so I have the morning to sort out my house a bit which is so needed and to answer messages and e-mails...
 
I love and appreciate you all bunches <3 <3 <3 May you all be very, VERY blessed ... :*
 
4th October - pm: (YOUR WISDOM PLEASE)
Your wisdom please! So... I would need to make a real plea on my blog for funding up to R100 000 +/- to get all this ugly loose skin sorted out... so, I asked the Dr to send me the photos she took... totally gross... but if edited, just to show only the loose bits, I could post those on my blog to show how needed this work is for me to promote my plea... What do you think? Would you do it?
 
I totally expose every other aspect of myself on the blog, would it make any difference to show the real reason for the need for Cosmetic surgery also?
 
I feel okay with it (desperate to get this skin off) ... but need to hear a few other opinions first before I decide... <3 <3 <3
 
Friends typed responses:
HS: Panny, I don't feel qualified to give you express advice, but what I can say is, I TRULY admire the way you make yourself completely vulnerable with your openness and total honesty... soul-bearing, stripped away honesty. It may be a good idea to continue on in that vain. Look at the photos through the eyes of a stranger, then set them aside and look at them again tomorrow. Then decide what it is you are comfortable sharing, and what not <3
Panayiota: Thanks (H) my dear friend <3 <3 <3 ... I won't be able to go on the blog until the weekend if I even find time then, so I have plenty time to think about it and will, as you suggest. Bless you <3 <3 <3
HS: Time always brings perspective. As for the question would I... yes, I think in order to put your case across effectively. The question is, where is your comfort zone. <3 <3 <3
JF: AGAIN....All of what (H) says... plus my own 2 cents worth. If it were me I would be feeling just the same desperation you are and would do my utmost to rectify that feeling which in this case would be to take action. You will forever feel unfulfilled if you do nothing....at first, I felt too unimportant to reply to this but realise just how much you need validation. So I am giving it... with love...
Panayiota: Oh, how I love you (J)... I'm feeling your LOVE... thank you so very much <3
WSQ: Panny just to let you know you were such an inspiration to me with the weight you lost. I decided to give it a go I started in November last year I have lost 56 lbs. I feel do much better without the carbs. Thank you!!
Panayiota: WOW! Well done (W), I'm so grateful I could inspire you... how wonderful! I'm sure now you are an inspiration to others also :) <3 isn't that what life should be about... to make a difference somehow... I'm so delighted you shared this with me. Thank you (W) and may you go from strength to strength always... Lots of love <3 <3 <3
VVDM: Exactly what (H) and (J) said ♥
Panayiota: MMMWA!  :*
CE: I think whatever makes you comfortable my friend... I stand by you 100%... Love you ❤️
Panayiota: I love you my dear friend... not sure about comfortable, but if it helps me to raise what is needed so I can have those ops... especially the abdomen one, then I believe I would do this, because I can't live comfortably with the body I have now... BIG HUGS <3
CM: I totally understand that my friend ❤️
PARS: I too understand my beautiful sister...I am running into the same problem now with my weight loss.. even if I could they wouldn't allow me to have the surgery because of my health. I hope this happens for you. <3
Panayiota: Thank you my sister... I'm going to ask you and all my friends who are with me and willing, to support my blog post when I post it... hopefully I can get that done this weekend. I've lost two nights sleep over it now, so I need to do it... last night I thought of how to post such naked photos more discreetly... I'm hoping it will work... I'll go work on them now. I love you <3 <3 <3
Panayiota: Just tried... my idea didn’t work... so I will have to brave it and just post them as edited as I could get them to cut out unnecessary sections and go black and white instead of colour which will tone them down a  bit.  I love you my sister... HUGS <3
PARS: I think you are very brave my sister. Personally I wouldn't post but only because I don't have the many wonderful friends you have. You are loved by so many lovely people and I sincerely hope many will come forward and give towards your plea. You deserve the best because you are the best. <3
Panayiota: I'm so grateful for you in my life my beloved sister... thank you for being one of the best friends I have ever been blessed with :* :* :*
 
October 4th – later pm: (MY PRESENTATION WENT REALLY WELL)
My presentation to a group of women with my colleague there with me went really well. Only two people this first time, but by the time we'd finished, they invited us back to present and speak to other ladies monthly. How cool is that! I know this is what I was born to do and I'm excited for all the opportunities that now lie ahead... A BIG thank you to my colleague for believing in me enough to help make this possible in my lifetime... so exciting... I hope I will be able to make some difference in those women's lives by inspiring them to discover their own healing. Can you imagine... how lovely <3
 
Friends typed responses:
DAM: Well done Panni~Petal, of course you can do it. Those women will be so grateful to hear what you have to tell them. Go girl. You rock 💐❤️💐
JF:  I am in no way surprised at this lovely news. You are the best. Lots of love dear Pani... 😍❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
BH: Well done x
IDP: You give lots to many! Never doubt your purpose or positive influence on many people’s lives! Love you millions!
CE: SO happy for you my friend... I am really proud of you... Love you ❤️
PARS: My beautiful sister, you are so amazing and you will do amazing things in the lives of so many people!
HBMC: Excellent dear Pan. You deserve this kind of treatment. Well done.
HBMC: Lots and lots more love going to a wonderful lady like you.
Panayiota: I love you all so much... thank you for being my friends and family... BIG HUGS <3 <3 <3
 
Just before I went to bed, a dear friend wrote to me: (CONTINUE TO DREAM YORU DREAMS)
IDP: Wake up to a beautiful day Panny. Continue to dream your dreams, stay positive and it will all work out for you. Sending you big hugs!

​Someone trying to comfort me when they saw these pictures said that my loose skin was not too bad.  I know it’s not as bad as what you see on the “My extreme excess skin” programs on TV… but this is very bad and ugly to me… please help me to raise what is needed to get rid of it.  Thank you so much.

Even though the doctor said that my weight was right for my height and age, I do believe I could still lose a little weight.
 
DONATIONS:
(PETROL FOR NOVEMBER)
I will require around R3500 to get to and from the student workshops next month (Part of the R500 to help with the foods and bottled water I will need to take with on the 14 days I will be traveling to and from Pretoria and my home). Our petrol prices went up yet again.  If I cannot raise that money, I won't be able to go to the workshops... end of story!  I cannot allow that to happen… please… I must be there… I literally live for those days!  So, any funds raised would first go to this cause which is what gives my life meaning, and then the remainder to Cosmetic surgery.
 
(COSMETIC SURGERY)
I would need to raise at least R20000 for the abdominal operation and I would like to add R5000 to that, just to cover any possible post-operative care.  The Dr already told me that where the two suture lines meet there is often a breakdown and sometimes an infection that will needs care… there will also be traveling back to the hospital for suture removal, etc.. Any money left over from the 1st operation would go towards the next operation.  I would probably require as much as R100000 +/- to get rid of all the problem areas of loose skin on my body… from what I’ve worked out, I’d need 5 operations in all.  Please assist me with this.  Once I know that the funds will be possible, I would go to the hospital and would then have to pay the helping-lady the R2000, so that she would be able to take me with my affidavits and bank statements, etc. to see if we could get a reduction on the cost of each operation according to my salary… The surgeon said that it could possibly be cut the cost down if I did this.  Any remaining money would then go to the next operation.  I would see how each operation goes and how fundraising goes before deciding on the next operation.)
 
Grocery shopping: (A MAN IN NEED)
It’s funny how things happen… here I am asking, maybe even begging for your assistance, and the other day, my son and I went to the supermarket together to buy our start of month groceries.  I had R100 in my bag but was going to buy our groceries using my bank card.  I chose a till-line where a man in front of me was just carrying a small basket of a few groceries, so I knew I’d get through there fast.  He was waiting for a person in front of him who was paying for their goods.  Next thing I saw him unpack half of his basket, then quickly put the remaining stuff in the basket on the floor next to where I was standing.  He must have decided that he could not afford the rolls, cheese and milk that he left behind.  I just could not let that happen… took the R100 out of my bag and gave it to him… told him he must pay for his remain goods.  He was very grateful… paid for it all and left… and I felt so good in my heart, even though that money was so important to us also… my son also felt good about it. 
 
Thank you for sharing with me today,
 
~ Panayiota

My first appointment with the plastic surgeon is booked for the 3rd October…
 
I’m feeling so excited you have no idea… and at the same time, anxious about handing over my health control into the hands of strangers.  I totally control my diabetes type 2 with diet-lifestyle changes alone and have done so since 2012… I never have to test my blood sugar anymore.  It’s as if I don’t have diabetes at all.  But when I go through the operation and recovery time, will the hospital staff know exactly what to do to help my blood sugar levels to stay in check?  This scares me terribly.  I tell myself, that it is a training hospital, so they will be on their toes… but then there’s my scary past experiences at government hospitals over the years, and therein lies my trepidation… So, do I sit here worrying myself sick and end up giving up on this dream, or trust in LIFE that this wonderful opportunity has been given to me and all will therefore be well?  Can I just enjoy this time… trusting in it? 
 
So many thoughts churning through my head right now…
 
“Why am I doing this?” I ask myself. 

Understanding that I operate on more than one level, I feel the need to thoroughly review and identify the motivations for all my choices, thoughts and actions.
 
Anyone who knows me, KNOWS that I would avoid doctors and dentists at all costs.  I’ve been putting up with a big hole a back tooth for ages.  It’s such a nuisance, and all I need to do is to go have it seen to at the dentist, but I keep putting that thought as afar away as possible... “Besides, I have no time to go see the dentist anyway” … so I tell myself… ? …making sure to keep too busy to find the time.
 
I have dealt with many illnesses and painful afflictions on my own over the years, because I wouldn’t go to a Dr, who I would only have been able to see at a government hospital.  Every time, a different Dr… long queues, and just a very scary place for me, to witness so much suffering and neglect… so why would I now be so eager to voluntarily go to a plastic surgeon to help remove all the ugly, hanging, flapping, wrinkling loose skin from my body?
 
So as usual, I find myself exploring every angle as I continue my fascination with researching my own choices, thoughts and actions with a view to ultimately being successful on my journey to healing… and because I want my life to stand for something… I want to somehow be able to inspire others through my journey.  I cannot take control of my life or fix anything that is still broken in me as far as my choices, thoughts and actions go, if I don’t find answers for why it’s happening in the first place.  Why I am choosing to do what I do and what thoughts bring me to certain actions?  And at the same time, which part of me is involved at any one time?
 
A few days ago, two Facebook friends on the same day posted the picture-quote which I have attached below.  

​I felt angry… (my immediate reaction to seeing their post) … “They’re trying to ‘teach’ me something” … “How dare they?” … Instantly wanting to delete them both!  I felt completely disturbed.  “Don’t try to teach me anything!  Don’t try to change me!  DON’T JUDGE ME!  You either love me for who I am, exactly as I am, or we can’t be friends!” After all the counselling I’ve already been through in my life, and after what my therapist did during the awful transference and countertransference phase of my therapy with her, I will NEVER accept anyone else trying to FIX me, ever again!  There is only one or two people on this earth at this time, besides my God in Heaven, who have EARNED THE RIGHT to my trust and listening heart… allowing them the space to tell me how they feel I can be FIXED.  Before they could even begin to try, they first had to prove many times over (and ongoing), that their love and belief in me, was entirely unconditional.  My mentor, Teria is one such a person… there have been moments, “on the edge” between us, but every single time, she has somehow managed to pull my trust in her back again… A VERY RARE GIFT OF LIFE… FROM LIFE… A TRUE FRIEND and STRENGTH to my soul, in every way.  

​This is why I am sharing this blog… to show how hard I am working at FIXING MYSELF… I don’t want anyone else to intervene in the position of (self-appointed savior of me) … I will not welcome them, because… THIS IS MY WORK NOW AND MINE ALONE!  And I am working hard on it all the time… I’m doing MY PERSONAL BEST… so, “Stay out of my business… Love me or leave me! I will still go on without you!”
 
This was my immediate reaction to my friends’ post… but again, I reasoned in my mind, remembering and recognizing that I operate on different levels… from different personalities.  “So, who’s reaction?”  
 
“Definitely Patricia’s” … this is her poem:
 
TORTURED SOUL!
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I am a tortured soul wondering lost
In a vast wasteland of my forgotten past!
Catching glimpses of
“It’s” burning scorching plains,
Where hope is lost in the endless torment,
Of billowing black smoke and scattered ashes.
Nowhere to turn!
Nowhere to hide!
Nowhere to run!
For each road keeps bringing me back
To where all this pain belongs!
I cannot escape its blazing snare!
This endless punishment –
For some dreadful sin that I never committed!
It was not even mine!
Yet, I must suffer this burning hell!
That will not stay with the one who created it!
The one who deserves it most!
ABUSER!  RAPIST!  THIEF!
You stole my childhood!
You stole my freedom!
You stole my happiness!
You stole my health!
You stole my friends!
You stole my portion of LOVE!
And I am forced to live on in your land of horror!
While you are free to go on with your evil ways!
Who else have you already sent here?
Who else knows how terrible this lonely anguish feels?
 
~ Panayiota
(28 October 2007)
 
I was so ready (in the moment), to delete my two Facebook friends, but was in a rush to get ready for church, although I didn’t want to go to church anymore because I was feeling too disturbed!  It would have been so easy to just climb back into my bed and disappear down my rabbit hole again.  But I knew that I just had to go… I knew that I’d feel better if I did… “Let me go first and then decide on the friends afterwards” … restraint… wait… be sure… hold on… count to a million… BREATHE… 

​I’m so glad I was able to wait… Church was really good.  My one granddaughter came to sit with me and held onto me so lovingly all the way through the service.  If that is not validation of “being okay in this world”, then I just don’t know what is.  The youth (Patricia’s age group) were seated up front, facing the congregation.  They bore their testimonies and sang to us and it was so lovely to hear and witness how deeply sincere and special each one is.  My heart felt very touched… and I do believe that Patricia found her place of CALM in the process… no longer feeling attacked, in danger or out of control…
 
“I’m okay – I’m okay – I’m okay”.
 
So, I didn’t delete my two friends after all… and when I looked at the quote again… I asked myself the important question, “Why had this disturbed me so much?” and answered myself, “Because it is true”.
 
Of course, I would NOT want my friends to believe that “they won” by teaching me something (because then, I feel that they are not worthy of being my friends), but to rather know that I won, by learning something on my own by facing what was for me, hard to hear.
 
I have still not managed to get my diet under control since the big upset that lead to my withdrawal in May from “my group” that I used to call FAMILY & HOME.  I have held onto an underlying anger and resentment that has helped me to cope since that time.  Usually such a loss would have had me experiencing emotions equivalent to that of facing the death of a loved one… (those would have been Patty’s emotions) … she used to be crying all the time, but for now, she is settled… or just quiet.  I think that although she is still somewhat broken, she feels that she can step back into the protection and solitude of her dungeon whenever Patricia’s overly protective presence is on the surface…
 
I see Patricia dressed in armor… ready for battle!  Ready to cut anyone out of her life to protect herself and the rest of us (Patty, Panayiota and those she decides are in need of her protection)!  And I mean ANYONE (whether they intended to make her feel that way or not), who makes her feel like her abusers once made her feel … That awful silent scream that feels like it’s exploding inside, but has nowhere to go… no one can hear it… no one seems to care… she is invisible and very much alone with it… I can only explain it again with the same poem I’ve posted many times before…
 
INTENSITY
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
The intensity is more than I can bear!
Burning acid on every rip and tear!
Bubble, bubble toil and trouble!
So much chaos, so much muddle!
I cannot bear it anymore...
But I'm not ready for Heaven's Door!
Help me!  Help me!
Please make me brave!
Save me! Save me! 
Please help me...
Save...
 
~ Panayiota
(07 October 2014)
 
So, with all this going on, I ask myself again, “Why am I doing this? Why would I put myself through so much pain and risk the whole diabetes out-of-my-control thing? Who would I be without my folds of loose skin and long flat boobs?” Altogether, I breastfed my four children for almost 11 years of my life.  I was so intent on being the best mother I possibly could be, and I believed that breastfeeding was one of the most important nurturing acts of love that I could give for my children.  “How would it feel to no longer have my long, stretched, flapping, lopsided and flat as pancakes boobs hanging down to my waist?  Would I be able to adjust to suddenly having beautiful new boobs?  Would that make me feel more whole and beautiful, like a woman should feel?  I wish I had someone to talk to about all these thoughts… All my life I hated my fat, bulging, waddling body… All my life I felt ugly and I was told I was ugly in so many ways, and now that I’ve lost so much weight, leaving me with all this looks skin, I still feel ugly… (wings on my arms, ugly wobbling thighs and butt, folds on my back and an apron of skin on my tummy too, not to mention what’s happened to my neck and face since I lost all that weight)
 
“Is it okay for me to wish for a beautiful body now in my early 60’s?  Am I too old to wish that blessing on myself?  Do I have a right to experiencing a beautiful body and feeling beautiful and fitting into smaller, well-fitting clothes?  How would people relate to me if I looked different?  Would those who do already, still love and accept me then?”
 
And then there’s the question of my Cinderella dreams that have never died.  I can’t imagine anymore, actually ever finding the Prince Charming that I dreamed of since I was a little girl.  Yet at the same time, being a woman who has always longed to be truly loved, I have never been able to rid myself of that dream.  No man will want me the way I look now… surely not!  But what if I had a more decent body… would there then be hope?  I never imagined myself even entertaining such thoughts again after being married to two abusers before… not a chance!  Yet, I’ve come so far on my healing journey… “What if?” … “What if it were now possible?”… “Can I dare to still hold a dream of being truly loved by a good man someday? Can I still hope in such a possibility?”
 
I say… “Why not? YES!  Why not?”  And so, is it wrong for me to prepare myself well for such a possibility for LOVE… body, mind and spirit… So many of my dreams have already come true… why not this one?  I’m not giving up on this dream which I have recently been able to recapture.
 
Now just to make things clear, I struggle deeply with trust issues, so there is NO WAYS I will be interested in a man I’ve never met before.  Just this last week I received an e-mail from someone hoping I’d be interested… No ways… not a chance in hell!  No offence, but no thank you!  I’d have to know the person VERY well and for a long, long time, seeing them regularly, before I’d even think about it.  The person who wrote tried his luck based on an old picture of my face that he saw… good grief!  What happens when he sees the rest of me as I am today at 61 years of age… hahahahaaa! 
 
Okay, so one more thought passed through this head of mine about why I might be contemplating this plastic surgery thing…
 
At the time of transference and countertransference experienced in therapy, I started to self-injure.  For some reason, I can share about my dangling boobs above quite openly, but sharing about the self-injury, I still find very disturbing and embarrassing, so this is hard for me.  I would take a camping tent pole (a thin metal rod), and using the same ritual I’d have to go through as a child when my mother (and stepfather) would beat me, I would use the rod to beat at my thighs, over and over again until they were black with bruises and I just couldn’t hit anymore… just like mother used to do!  The pain was unbearable, but at the same time, I experienced a deep urge to feel it… it was like a drug… I had to feel it… I needed to feel it… I felt alive when I did it!  Once I was able to see if for what it was and gain control over it, I promised myself never to go there again, because the addiction of it was so powerful, that I knew that if I kept on with it, it would end in even worse!  So, I forced a STOP to it, and no matter how much I wanted to do it again, I didn’t allow myself to.  I knew it was wrong… it was so self-destructive!
 
So, at this time, I wonder, because the urge is very much there again and has been since I separated from my group family in May… am I doing this so that I can feel the pain again… the pain that reminds me that I do exist… I am alive… I am in control (even destructive control)? 
 
Just a thought… but a scary one if it is the real reason? 
 
On this level of thought, I imagine being in the hospital… feels like I’m going on a mini holiday… I will be nurtured by nurses… someone will care. But then LOGIC hits home again… I’ll only be in that hospital for possibly two days… a rather big and even possibly dangerous operation for a 61-year-old, type 2 diabetic who is not in control of her own blood glucose for a good few hours while I’m there.  Very soon after the op, I am sure they will get me up to walk… OWEEEEE!  That’s not going to be anything near the nurturing I might be subconsciously hoping for while I’m there.  Then before I even get to really know anyone, I will be sent home… a long and I’d imagine, quite painful trip home in a moving car…
 
Let’s just leave this thought right there! 
 
Funding ~ Please help if you can
Well, whatever happens, I have not yet received any donation funding to help make the plastic surgery more possible… R2000 for the lady who will organise all the paperwork, etc. at the hospital to make it easier and quicker for me, petrol expenses, special foods to fit my diet while I’m there and then, not forgetting, a minimum of R3000 for petrol, to get to and from the three upcoming student workshops in November and for the added expense of the special meal I’d need to take with to the workshops.  A very close friend has said that they might be able to help with some funding, but any donations will help, especially if my friend won’t be able to help in the end. 
 
Yes, I DO feel embarrassed about asking for funding, but if this is the only way I can make my dreams come true and make things happen for my son and I, then I will risk the asking.  Only those who can help will help and I would not expect anyone else to.  I also wouldn’t expect someone who has helped before to help again… so please, forgive me the asking and only if you can help, I’d be very grateful if you do.
 
If anyone can help with funding, please see the blue donation details below.  Thank you so much.
 
I would like to thank all those who have supported my decision to have plastic surgery done… you have given me the courage I need to move forward with this.  I look forward to sharing with you eventually, the other side of whatever might be done to relieve me of all the loose skin.
 
Thank you for sharing with me today
 
~ Panayiota
 
Smiling Through Depression: (Learning to practice self-kindness)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kx3dpO6ys5s

A While back, I picked up a little shopping magazine called GET IT, that is often displayed without charge in certain shops.  I was surprised to see inside, an advertisement put out by a plastic surgeon with her contact details added.   I sat with it for a while, thinking how much I would love to have help with all my ugly loose skin after losing so much weight.  Being August, and National Women’s Month, I started to think that maybe, I should write to the doctor and ask if there is any possibility… I was kind of hoping against hope, because I cannot afford plastic surgery…   
 
On Monday 20th August, I plucked up the courage to write: (minor changes … to fit with my blog)
 
Dear Dr J,
 
Please excuse my impertinence, but I’ve learned that I will never know if I don’t ask. 
 
I am an adult survivor of severe child abuse who lived a broken life filled with other disappointments, losses and abuses.  I lived in the victim role for 50 years and no therapy ever helped me until I met a certain therapist and started studying Logotherapy in my 50’s which has totally changed my life around.  I am now 61 years, happier and more productive than I can ever remember being.  
 
Since 2012, due to healthier eating habits and much emotional healing, I have lost 52kg’s and am healthier than I can ever remember being before but left with so much ugly loose skin.  I am currently on the medical aid plan which will not cover plastic surgery.  Of course, I’d love to have all the loose skin sorted out but will never be able to afford it.
 
Would you consider helping me to have at least the horrible kangaroo pouch removed.  It is so awful to me and represents a terrible flashback from my past.  I would love to have it off.  It is terribly embarrassing also, because if I bend over to pick something up, even if I’m in a sitting position, it makes a nasty sound! I can just die when that happens in public and I must explain to them that it’s due to the loose skin on my abdomen.
 
I have come so far in my personal growth, even to the point that I can now say that I am the Victor of my own life and doing as much as I can to help others find their healing also.  I am finishing the writing of my biographical book at this time and keep a blog www.pattyskeys.co.za where I totally expose my struggles as an adult survivor of severe child abuse, and how I work tirelessly to face my struggles in search of my healing, in the hopes that what I share that other abuse sufferers might identify with, will be healing to them too.  (it is a kind of research work on myself for the sake of not only myself but others... which I strongly believe is my life's purpose).  Being Woman's month, I felt to dare to ask... 
 
Thank you for your time,
Yours sincerely,
Panayiota
 
I was really surprised on the same day, when the Dr e-mailed me back:
Dear Panayiota,
 
Thank you so much for your email.  I am so sorry for the hardships you suffered!
 
I have closed my practice as I am going overseas.  You could consider … Hospital and ask for Dr B. Phone receptionist A at (number).
 
Kind regards
 
Dr J
Plastic and Reconstructive Surgeon
 
Feeling very grateful, I did respond to Dr J, but felt too shy to phone Dr B.  It was easier for me to e-mail and hope for the best… but if I called, I’d need to be braver… so I left it a few days while I plucked up more courage which I finally did on the 29th August when I called Dr B’s receptionist (A) and asked if she had an e-mail address for the Dr.  She was so sweet on the phone that I immediately felt safe talking to her.  She very kindly gave me her own e-mail address and I sent the following email for her to pass onto Dr B.
 
Dear Dr B
 
I recently wrote a letter to Dr J and she responded so kindly, referring me to you.  Please if you have time, could I ask you to read and consider my plea below.  
 
Yours sincerely,
 
Panayiota…
(phone number)
 
That same night, Dr B phoned me.  I could not believe it!  She spoke to me for ages and it felt as though I was chatting with a close friend.  She answered all my questions and was so kind.  I was shocked that she was telling me that it was all possible and that she was happy to help me.  It felt so surreal that I could not take it all in… it was too much kindness for me to absorb or accept all in one go… I even said to her, that it was very unusual for a receptionist and Dr to be so friendly and kind like that, or a Dr, in their off-duty time, to actually phone a prospective client and chat away merrily like that… I asked her how it could be… she responded that they were Christian and loved to help women where they could.  I was so overwhelmed by it all, that after I put the phone down, I became extremely detached… the doubting and non-trusting part of myself even started saying… it was too good to be true… maybe it really was too good to be true… and then it even started to feel as though I’d dreamed it all… so weird…… so far away!
 
The next morning, 30th August, I wrote to the receptionist (A) again:
Dear A,
 
I spoke to Dr B last night and I cannot believe how kind you all are.  I still can't get over how long she spoke to me on the phone.  It felt like I was talking to a best friend and had to keep reminding myself that she was a doctor whose time I was taking up, but she made me feel so special and welcomed on the phone.  I was in shock and on another planet afterwards and forgot the lady's name who she asked me to call re: assistance for a fee.  The Dr. sent me the lady's number, but because I was so far away on another planet by the time I saw the number, I thought that it belonged to someone inquiring about our Logotherapy courses... I'm sure I made a total fool of myself and completely baffled the poor lady (R) when I called her.  
 
Too get that ugly skin off my stomach is a dream come true... unbelievable!  I just cannot believe it's suddenly a possibility!
 
I need to make an appointment with Dr B but must first work out some logistics in my head of how I'm going to make this happen from my side.  I would also need to raise donations, just for the petrol and for the lady R's help, and other unforeseen expenses that might possibly come up.
​

•     My work at home, job responsibilities and life in general is very demanding of my      energies and time... so one question I'd need to ask you, is that if I had the skin        removed from my stomach, approximately how long would I be in hospital away        from home and my work?  
•     (I shared my quietest months that an operation would be possible for me.) and
•     My biggest fear is how I will be able to keep to my diet while I'm in hospital.  I          control type 2 diabetes, gout and all the other health problems that I used to have by diet        alone and have worked it out perfectly for my needs and have never been healthier as a          result.  With my modified Banting lifestyle eating plan, I don't eat any carbohydrates, seed      oils or sugars (including fruits) and certain other foods.  Who would I be able to organise to      help me by bringing the foods I'd need... which of course I'd pay for myself and would            even prepare in advance, etc. but I'd need a fridge/freezer to store the food in and a way        to warm my food up, etc.  (I've WhatsApped a friend who used to live in Brits to see if she      is still there...  maybe she could help).  [She has not responded, so I don’t know if she still       has the number I called, left the country or what]

 
​It's so far away from my family and other helpers... so many thoughts buzzing through my head... I cannot believe that plastic surgery is a REAL possibility...  my mind is in a total whirl with over-excitement at the possibility and at the same time... anxiety of how I'm going to get it all right so that it can happen.
 
If you have any answers for the above, especially, how long I should be in hospital for the tummy skin removal, I'd be very grateful... 
 
Thank you for your time, I hope your day will be a wonderful one and please send my greetings to Dr B and R if you see them today.
 
I will get back to you for an appointment as soon as I can work out in my own head how this all can be made possible from my side... 
 
God bless you all,
 
Gratefully,
Panayiota.
 
As I had not received a response yet by the evening and was feeling very anxious, I WhatsApped the Dr to ask if she could just tell me please how long the hospital stay would be, and I finished off my note with: “I will phone tomorrow to make an appointment.  I have to start somewhere and if our God has brought me to it, He will surely see me through it.  Thank you so much.”
 
Once again, Dr B wrote such a lovely response… how amazing is this:
“Hi Mrs. Ryall!  Glad to hear from you!  When you come for a consultation I will take your history, do a thorough examination, talk about which procedure will fit you best, complications, etc. If I find with the examination that you require a standard abdominoplasty, you can look at your hospital stay to be around 1-2 days, depending on how you feel you cope.  Most people stay two days.  Because we are a government hospital we have limited theatre space, so between the consultation and surgery there might be a couple of months.  I suggest, come see me, then we can chat about all these things, and one the payment is sorted, we can look at theatre lists.  It is best to make an appointment sooner rather than later, because there is a waiting list with regards to theatre.  I hope this helps 😊 😊”
 
Yesterday, 31st August, I tried to call to make an appointment, but no answer at the time I called, so sent receptionist (A) an e-mail requesting an appointment date.  I will phone again on Monday. (3rd September) 
 
I’m so excited about this… I genuinely feel that it is yet another wonderful Miracle in my life.  I believe in Miracles… every day Miracles and can’t believe that this HUGE one has been granted to me.
 
I did not tell the Dr that I’d recently put on weight… it is something I could discuss with her when I see her, and she will more than likely request that I lose it before the operation… I’m okay with that, because since I spoke to her first on the 29th August, I have my eating control and motivation back again!  (not nibbling in-between meals)
 
On the 29th August, I weighed in at 29.3 kg’s on my old scale, (30th – 78.9kg’s), (31st – 77.4kg’s), (1st September – 77.9kg’s) … it’s not going to happen overnight, but I’m back on track… watch this space!
 
On the night of the 30th, I had the most terrible sleepless night due to too much excitement!  So bad that at 3am, I took 1/8th sleeping tablet and finally fell asleep, waking around 8am! 
 
The Dr also mentioned that depending on how well I do after the first operation, they might see to the other areas of need for plastic surgery that I might require … like all the loose skin on my arms.  So, this might be ongoing for a little while… I will keep you all updated and might even consider posting before and after pictures.  For now, the tummy pouch is my greatest need for removal… it’s horrible! 
 
I’m so happy to have this dream coming true, and I’m asking my friends and family out there to please come together to help me make it happen through donations.
 
I would need:

• The hospital is about 1 hour 20 minutes away, so I’d need petrol money for my son to drive me there and pick me up again when I’m discharged.
• I will need to organize my food and drinks that I can take with to make sure that I won’t be too far off my diet while I’m there.
• I will need new underclothes, because I can’t be seen dead in the tattered, oversized underclothes that I am wearing now.  I use safety pins to make them small enough to fit me.  (I’m always using my money for my son and unforeseen expenses, but hardly ever for myself.  I could really do with new underclothes… just for me!  I also only have one old bra that fits decently without pinching… and one that is not 100% comfortable and does pinch.
• I’d need to make sure I can stay in contact via my cell-phone.
• There is a lady at the hospital who becomes like a companion to a patient who is willing to pay for her services.  She will organize all the paperwork to avoid queues.  She guides the patient through the whole process and I would love for that kind of help.  As a first timer in a new area and with my negative past experiences of government hospitals, I’d be so appreciative of her assistance.  She charges R2000.

 
Most importantly, before even considering all of these expenses, I would still need to cover the R3000 petrol expenses to get to and from the students’ examination workshops in Pretoria in November (because petrol prices have gone up so high now). 
 
So, for right now, I’m asking to raise up to R5000 to make sure that all the hospital needs are covered, and hopefully with some left over towards the petrol for November, so that I won’t need to ask as much by then.
 
If you can help, I’d be so grateful. 
 
Thank you for your time and consideration,
 
~ Panayiota

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The WORK of learning how to let-go of the nightmares of our past is so very worth it! 
 
An adult survivor of child abuse cannot just LET GO and cannot be expected to!  It’s a most ridiculous notion to expect it of anyone who has suffered child abuse, because there is (are) a broken inner child (inner children) involved.  But by putting in the necessary personal self-work… continuously… it letting go can gradually be achieved.

• Working on attitudinal values…
• Taking on more and more responsibility for our own lives and behaviours…
• Checking on our thoughts, our actions and reactions and modifying constantly until a RIGHT and HEALING balance is met…
• Understanding ourselves more and more…
• Facing the reality of our past and believing in the possibilities for our future… believing that they do exist, even if we can’t see them yet…
• Seeing how our warped perceptions and the relentless negative and destructive script messages of our past have been affecting our state of being and our relationships…
• Working on how to correct the status quo of our lives by remembering how it was during the status quo ante times (the state of affairs that existed with us previously)…
• Realizing how negative and destructive and debilitating they were and how much better it feels as healing and personal growth is taking place and choosing to seek more healing and growth.
• Realising that FREEDOM from our pasts and PEACE can at last, truly be ours.

 
I just wrote to a friend who works with abused girls in Guatemala: I can't wait to share my good news with everyone in my next blog post. The more we as adult survivors of child abuse work towards our healing and to improve ourselves and our lives, the more the blessings of freedom, peace, growth and miracles come and it's an incredible thing to witness happening to one's self and be a part of... But the thing is, to never-ever give up on the work that is needed to get there... I'm LOVING the journey.
 
My very special friend, Mary-Anne, shared this video with me on Facebook this morning (link below) and I felt to share it here also, because I believe that this is the journey I'm already on and it's been an incredible healing journey… an AWAKENING for me.  Still a way to go, but each step further along the road of my life has been exhilarating and wonderful! I cannot wait to see what STILL is to come… good things waiting for me around each new bend and on the other side of all the obstacles that still try to stop me!
 
Still climbing my mountain and the view is getting better and better...
 
I WILL NEVER-EVER GIVE UP!
 
VIDEO:  Don’t allow yourself to be controlled by these 5 things
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQ7XCalQfx0
 
I included my drawing, because it represents freedom to me.

Thank you for sharing with me today. 
~ Panayiota

The day before yesterday I receive a phone call that very quickly triggered my inner rebel side, Patricia to surface once more, along with her unique set of deeply struggling emotions.  I was supposed to go to post a Student’s study pack around the time of the call, being my lunch time, but the caller left me so disturbed that I was actually frozen in time for a while.  The rising flood of frustration and anger in me became so HUGE yet again, that I knew that it was important to just get up and go… going out would help to defuse the negative emotions.  So, after about an hour of breathing the overwhelming frustration in a distant and foggy place that I fought with myself to surface from, I eventually managed to take myself off to the PostNet. 
 
The intensity of my feelings was still strong when I arrived there, and I had to concentrate on not letting it show on my face.  I’ve learned that if I purposely change my expression to a more positive one and work on my feelings at the same time, I can often reverse the state I find myself in… and it does work.  So, I imagined myself feeling kind and put on a kind expression… smiled at one or two people and it definitely helped, especially when they smiled back… but… the past-damage is still too deep, and I found myself heading straight for the cooked chicken oven and then racing home to eat it… I wanted to dive into it while I was still in the car but forced myself to wait until I got home…
 
It was definitely a surge of overpowering addictive-eating-gratification-need that had returned… surfacing from my past (pre-2013)!  The need to stuff myself silly was totally gripping… I rushed into the house and it was all I could do to take the time just to shut the door behind me before the eating frenzy began… I ate almost the entire chicken as fast as I could and felt euphoric and totally intoxicated doing so… very little was left on the bones by the time I was done and couldn’t eat anymore.
 
I have put on +4kg’s since May when all the trouble had come to a head and Patricia was triggered to the surface then.  I can’t seem to work out what I’m doing differently as far as eating goes… maybe I’m just in denial, I don’t know… but something has changed… it must have! 
 
For a long time, my weight was settled between 74kg’s-75kg’s… and on January 10th, I even dipped as low as 73.8kg for that day.  Then, at the end of April-June I stayed in the 76kg range… and my weight gain started to creep up on me from then on, reaching as high as 78.2kg by the end of July!  I did all that I could to get it under control, but I just couldn’t seem to get it right!  My weight has stayed in the 38kg range for most of August, reaching as high as 79.3 by yesterday!  AARGH! 
 
But then… something wonderful happened yesterday that I believe will help me to take control of my eating once more… I will write about it in the next post… it’s HUGE… WONDERFUL… EARTH SHATTERING (for me) and just the most AMAZING MIRACLE once more to come my way… and NO… I’m not pregnant or getting married… hahahaha! 
 
I cannot wait to share it with you all, but I have been so busy today, that I haven’t had a chance to get to writing about it yet.  I will probably only be able to share it with you tomorrow sometime if work isn’t too heavy.  I hope for a quiet day.
 
For now, though, I have to attempt to clear up some people’s misguided judgements against me for choosing not to attend the meetings connected to the group where the problem came to a head in May.  Once again, I need to reiterate that when Patricia is triggered to the surface, her intensity is too strong for me to personally cope with… I cannot even begin to explain the intensity of frustration, anger and anxiety that rises with her each time.  It is a very destructive force within me which I believe is capable of not only killing me and killing my relationships, but also hurting others… I therefore CHOSE to step out of the situation that had triggered her, so as to not only protect my own mental integrity, but the integrity of the group also. 
 
I am not doing this because I’m sitting in my little corner pouting…
I am not doing it to make someone else feel bad…
I am not doing it to hurt anyone…
 
I am doing this because it helps me to cope and heal from my own overwhelming emotions which had become out of control.  I have felt a real sense of total relief since I left the group.
 
Perhaps you remember reading this poem before:
 
Intensity
The intensity is more than I can bear!
Burning acid on every rip and tear!
Bubble, bubble toil and trouble!
So much chaos, so much muddle!
I cannot bear it anymore...
But I'm not ready for Heaven's Door!
Help me!  Help me!
Please make me brave!
Save me! Save me! 
Please help me...
Save...
 
~ Panayiota
(07 October 2014)
 
My mentor wanted me to attend the groups as part of my job description and I’ve enjoyed the experience up till now.  So, I wrote to her first to tell her I would like to stop attending.  I will share parts of our communications to try and solve the problem for those who are misconstruing my motives.  (Should they continue to struggle to grasp my situation and choices, I will need to repost the post that I believe Patricia wrote when she had surfaced in May, because she had experienced the “mother always wins” games once more… and she continues to surface periodically still for the same reason, as with the call the other day!
 

The letter I wrote to my mentor:
From: Panayiota
Sent: Friday, July 20, 2018 8:21 AM
To: Teria…
Subject: Stepping back for a time...
 
Dearest Teria…
 
I have decided after much thought, that I will no longer be able to attend the Advanced and Diplomate workshops or supervision meetings. 
 
I do not wish to explain why, other than to say that for the sake of my own sanity and others, it is best this way and I feel a huge sense of relief in making this decision.  I have learned in my life that getting too close always causes problems and I am completely unable to cope with the emotional fall-out I experience almost as death-loss… it is far too big for me.
 
Please, I am asking you with all my heart, not to pressure me on this.  I will allow no visitors until you have accepted my wish as I do not want to discuss it at all.
 
I love my job and that is all I need and there are so many other very important things I need to be doing with any spare time I can muster… my book/s being at the top of my list.  I finished marking the students’ portfolios this morning, so now I should have more time to get to my book.
 
This is the best decision for all… not only for me.
 
Thank you so much and I pray you will understand and let me do this for me right now.
 
Please… there is no need to respond, other than just to reassure me that you understand and accept my wishes…
 
Teria responded exactly as I had hoped she would:
From: Teria
Sent: Sunday, July 22, 2018 4:31 PM
To: Panayiota…
Subject: Re: Stepping back for a time...
Dearest Pan,
 
To me, this is a right choice.  We all have to sort out exactly where our assigned places in life are.  So many activities, though very good and in many ways satisfying, can eat into our time that we need to spend with things that matter more.  I find it so fascinating that a restlessness, a kind of dissatisfaction, a kind of disillusionment, discomfort and even hurt, can be signs that we are needed more elsewhere.  We are in a sense called back onto a path that only we can walk.  Not that we were not a blessing during the time we spent away from the more central and important things in our lives and that we have not gained a lot away from our primary tasks in life, but is our continued time away from what is still waiting to be done by us, essential?  Are we irreplaceable there or irreplaceable where we are meant to be?
 
I only want you to see this not as something negative, namely, as a self-defensive withdrawing from a hurtful situation, but as something supremely positive.  It is self-defensive, yes, but in which way?  If your energies get wasted or if your person feels abused, then such a withdrawal from the situation is absolutely called for.  We have the responsibility to treasure our persons, to give ourselves to where we are absolutely irreplaceable.  Nobody can write or work on your book or get it completed but you, Pan.  In the same way there are precious tasks as the secretarial administrator of our Institute that only you can do and nobody else.  We have been in the process of removing you from administrative duties that others can also do so why waste your energies even there!  Your role is all the more one of being intimately at my side and at the side of the students at the very inception of their training as logotherapists.  Your interaction with all our new students is invaluable.  And so is your involvement in presenting your riveting story and other power-point presentations during the introductory workshop…  Your role in the workshops was not to be diminished!... I regard the introductory course as a springboard or platform from which all the further courses in logotherapy is launched.  You are absolutely needed and have an irreplaceable role to play there!  I heartily, therefore, endorse your decision!...
 
I then responded:
…I cannot begin to express my gratitude to you for your profound understanding of my deeper needs at this time, and for endorsing my choice in this matter.  I am so deeply indebted to you for your beautiful words that always help me to make better sense, even of my own thoughts and choices… you put into words for me, exactly what I am trying to say to the world… thank you so very much for being such a treasure to my heart and soul… I am very… VERY… grateful for my work and that I can work from home.  I am most grateful for YOU, because I fear that without my job and your steadfast encouragement and profound understanding… I don’t know where I’d be today.  I’d much rather be right here, right now, than to ever go back to all those broken years before Logotherapy found me.  I am so grateful for TODAY!...
 
 
I hope now that if anyone from the group is reading this, that you will understand better and stop saying things that make me feel uncomfortable for making a decision which I feel is right for me and most beneficial to all.
 
Goodnight beautiful world and sweet dreams,
 
~ Panayiota Ryall

My computer crashed, June 2017.  I lost all my poems written after 1st June 2014.  It was devastating!  I had not printed my poems in three years, so all was lost. 
I personally nearly lost it completely, because many of my work files were also crashed… lost my most recent self-editing on my book with only 36 pages to go before sending to publishers and so much more!

But then a miracle started to happen as far as my poetry collection goes
​

• Some poems saved to poetry sites were rescued.
• Friends I had sent poems to since June 14 sent copies back to me.
• And not so long ago this year (2018), by some miracle, I found a flash disc with all my poems up to the 15 November 2016 on it.
• On the 29 August 2018 (Yesterday), I started to put it all together… reconstructing my poetry collection and made backups.  I printed out every poem that had not been printed out yet and now I will need to cut out and glue every one of them into a book and index them at the back of the book.  I feel so much better now that they are printed.  I still have over 1000 of my poems saved.
• I was only able to find three 2017 poems, so my 2017 collection is for now, mostly lost.  I think I wrote very little last year though, so hopefully I haven’t lost anything important from then.  I am hoping that I will still find more 2017 poems in drawers, etc. that I might have printed along the way. I might also find some 2017 poems on my blog.  It’s just the job of going through all the posts to find them.  Time is needed! 

Thank you to my friends and my Father God, for all that is rescued so far.  I am very grateful.
 
~ Panayiota