​About an hour or two after I wrote the last blog post, I developed pain in the inner aspect of my right knee.  It became so sore that I could not sleep properly for nights.  I didn’t know where to put my leg so as not to be leaning on the sore spot and to keep it as comfortable as possible.  At times, my whole leg throbbed from top to toe!  I had to use crutches for a few days to get around.  I could not remember hurting it in any way, so I don’t know.  It didn’t seem to swell much at all, so I wasn’t sure if it was gout or an injury.  I had sat for two cold winter days writing that blog post… I can’t explain the stress-anxiety that happens when I’m writing a deep blog post like the last one and I imagine this one is going to be pretty much the same, because it might be my last, so it’s already causing me anxiety. 
 
It’s like there’s so much going on in my head, that I have to get it out, but in my head, there is chaos, so I sit here and just start to type and hope it will ALL come out in some kind of order.  This reminds me of when I was a child… you could give me your most tangled balls of wool to untangle and I’d sit for hours doing it until all the knots were untied and the balls were separated from each other and each rolled neatly again.  That’s a bit what writing a blog post feels like to me… like I can’t rest until it’s done.  So… I wondered if the stress-anxiety caused the sore knee (which is still hurting a little today, (15-days later), or if I hurt myself somehow… sitting for ages, cold and stiff and moved wrong, or something.  Maybe I banged it on the corner of my coffee table and don’t remember… but there seemed to be other gout-threat aches and pains in my feet and generally all over at that time… as if my body was poisoned again, so I’m thinking gout as a result of the stress of writing the last blog post… I don’t know.
 
June was a stressful month with all the traveling to and from the student’s workshops… too much excitement… long hours and lack of sleep… on the go constantly with little time to rest in-between.  My house got into a hideous mess over that time, and my room, which doubles as my office became completely out of order with workshop supplies and paperwork piled all over… after the workshops, everything felt totally out of order, but there was still so much to do… marking student’s portfolios, getting the rest of the house sorted out and trying to keep that side in order.  Yesterday, for the first time, I found a little time to start working on getting order back in my room.  I will try to finish off in here today when I’m finished this post… I need order in my surroundings… there’s enough chaos in my head without adding more. 
 
With no vacuum cleaner and my sister’s helper, for some reason no longer able to come regularly twice a week for two hours each time like before, it is harder than ever to keep up now and dust is collecting everywhere, which is not good for my son or me.  The more things get out of hand, the more chaos develops in my head… I just can’t keep up… the garden also needs attention… but I am buried here most of the time… behind my computer… either working or escaping… battling dissociation so much that it’s driving me bonkers… it has even returned to me when I bath.  I haven’t had that problem when I bath in months and thought it was gone… but it’s back!  I struggle to stay connected to finish bathing now… it’s taking longer than it should, because I am lost in there for so long again… AARGH!  And what really frustrates me is how my eyesight also seems to go with the dissociation… a bit like when you are looking at one of those pictures that you must focus your eyes deeper into, so that you can see the image that is hidden inside of its’ complexity… I’m even doing it now, and must keep pulling my eyesight back to normal focus so that I can continue with my typing… I also describe this as… “the deeps sleep” … or “falling down the rabbit hole” … like something is trying to suck me away into oblivion… or, “The Twilight Zone” … maybe the whole “chronic fatigue syndrome” thing that I mentioned before in a recent post… connected to dissociation and child abuse.
 
Anyway… I must just keep moving forward… be it in slow-motion or what… the work must go on, regardless of this great desire to run from it forever… escape reality and responsibility…
 
And as can be read in my last blog post, there’s been all this political nonsense that’s been going on in the group I’ve been a part of for so long.  That has triggered Patricia and all her deep array of emotions… and that has been my biggest struggle of all since around May and I can’t seem to put her back to rest inside of me again… she has desperately needed to have her say and is constantly silenced by the results that arise, just because she dares to speak… beaten down constantly by “mother”… mother always, always wins.  I even lost my best friend EC many years ago, because mother won!  She thrived in taking away everything and everyone who I ever dared to love more than her.
 
When Patricia tried to talk to mother about what the stepfather was doing to her… mother would respond… not in just words… but Patricia knew…  “Children shouldn’t be seen… shouldn’t be heard… should not have been born… shouldn’t exist!” … and that’s how Patricia became stuck forever inside in that agonizing place “buried in the wall” … (the picture I once drew that I have included in my book which I hope to finish and have published soon).  It just occurred to me why I used the “trapped inside the wall” symbol for Patricia when I drew here, using “the power of the other hand”… but I will keep that explanation for my book.  WOW!  It amazes me how the mind works… files things away and puts them together to try make sense of things.
 
Yet another financial blow! 
On the 7th July I wrote on Facebook :  Serious panic going on here! I sent Andrew with my car to the mechanic to see what's happening with the dreadful grinding sound whenever we push the breaks. Asked him to call me before doing anything... he sent a please call me which I only saw about half an hour later, so I called him back. They say that there's metal on metal and the whole back brake drums need to be replaced, etc. R2880+ OH MY GIDDY AUNT!!! I told him to bring it back, but he says they're already working on it!  I sent out an urgent plea on our Family WhatsApp group for R2000 loan... NOW WHAT? EEEEEK! How on earth will we eat this month!
 
My three older children responded that day… they were there for me and I knew it, and that’s more important to me than anything that any money could ever buy!  I ended up though using money off my two bank cards to pay the bill, with the knowledge that I could call on my children for assistance when our remaining funds were finished.  Thankfully, we’d already paid our other bills and bought most of our more expensive groceries for the month and still had frozen food I had made previously, in the deepfreeze… so all we’d really need towards the end of the month, would be the cheaper foods such as, basic salad veggies, bread, milk, eggs, etc.  We could do without the other “nice” stuff.  I have tons of lettuce and herbs in the garden which is proving very helpful too.  I would owe money back to the one card though, because that was not mine, so there’s already that worry for August and the timing is badly out on our car… the mechanic suggested we have that seen to also… AARGH!  My lovely sister-in-law, Irene, also responded to our plea for help and made sure that we were stocked up with “shop returns” again.  (Any damaged or outdated, products from her supermarket).  In general, these are not things that I eat as they are not part of my special diet, but they are perfect for my son and we are so grateful for this help also in times of need… what a difference it all makes.  And, one of my dear Facebook friends also responded immediately to my post about the car by donating R500 to help us with our expenses.  I did not expect that at all and felt so loved by her kind generosity.
 
The unexpected expenses have been hitting us month after month without let-up!  Enough already.  Our church will say that it’s because we have not been paying tithing that we are suffering financially, but because they were not able to ensure that I could stick to my special diet (controlling diabetes, arthritis/gout, using diet alone), it has made it completely impossible for me to commit to paying tithing.  I cannot go back to how obese and sickly I used to be!  Every cent helps me to stay on my diet… and it is NOT a luxury diet by any means.  I am healthier than I’ve ever been in years and had lost 52 kg’s.   I say “had”, because since May with all the upsets I’ve put on 3 kg’s!!!  One of the reason’s I am writing this blog post… because I must take back control of my own life and (physical/emotional) health needs again!
 
So, what do I do… DO I SHUT PATRICIA UP AGAIN AND LOCK HER AWAY… to make everyone else happy?  Do I deny her hurts and needs to be heard yet again?  Do I do this, in order to keep harmony among the people I know… keeping in mind also that “Hurt People Hurt People”, and my friends cannot understand the dynamics of Patricia… they try to and for that I’m grateful, but a person can only take so much of Patricia’s trapped frustrations, hurting and anger showing on the surface.  So, do I now lock Patricia away to protect them… or… do I push them away to give Patricia time and a chance to feel/experience exactly what she needs to feel until she can make sense of it all for herself and hopefully find her own place of healing, safety and belonging in this world. 
 
This is her time to be heard and healed… and like the sayings go…
 
You cannot go back into your past to find healing… so you have to find a way to find it here in the present…
 
And you cannot expect anyone from your past… OR PRESENT to be the ones to rescue you from your pain and struggles that stem from your past… that would be expecting far too much from people who do not and cannot fully know or understand where you are coming from…
 
So, all that is left is exactly what I learned to do with Patty… I learned that only I… MY ADULT SELF (Panayiota) could ever possibly be able to help the other parts of me.
 
If this means pulling away for a time from all those I love, as well as the finger-pointing, gossiping judges, then so be it. 
 
If it means losing more friends, because they can’t understand, and needing to distance myself from them for a time or forever if there’s no other way… then so be it too.
 
I am on a quest for healing, and whatever losses I have to incur along the way, I realise I need to face and accept them so that I do not deliberately harm others by staying too close to them.  I would NEVER deliberately harm anyone.  If I chose that kind of behavior, then I’d be no better than my mother… she left people destroyed in her wake.  I will do everything in my power to never, ever end up like her.  A promise my sister and I made to each other when we were children and have done our best to keep ever since.  So, when I see people beginning to be hurt by my weaker behaviours… that’s when it’s time to withdraw from them altogether… even if it means never having them back in my life again as a result.
 
I have recently distanced myself from my family WhatsApp group, because so often I feel more alone there than I do otherwise… (keeping in mind that I am aware that everyone else isn’t isolated like I am… they have bigger families and active, busy lives, so they can’t know what I’m feeling, or thinking during all the lonely hours of isolation each day) it was the same when I distanced myself from the ladies of the church WhatsApp group… I felt very lonely there too… and in the last few days, I’ve also made the decision to distance myself from not just the person/s who caused Patricia to surface, but the entire group, because I can feel the effects that Patricia is having on them and I cannot allow that.  I discovered that what I consider to be a close friend, recently deleted herself off of my Facebook page… a painful realization of another lost friend and judge in my life… seeing her gone from my friends list hurt a lot.  One person, in a WhatsApp message the other day, made it quite clear that she was angry with me for sharing what I had with her “in a moment of desperation… I trusted her friendship implicitly” … I’m sure she was also upset with what I shared on my last blog post, even though I did not mention her name on it … Her rejection in that moment in time was the last straw for me, (one loss of “a special friend” too many!) and that’s when I knew… ENOUGH!
 
Patricia’s emotions are right on the edge again… I once wrote:
 
THE BITTER EDGE!
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
 I come close to the edge of the abyss at times,
And it’s not a good place to be!
Every nerve in my body is pulled tight,
As they play ‘Discomfort’s Symphony!’
My mind feels like it’s racing through time,
On a roller coaster to fast too describe,
And it’s a struggle to keep it together,
As I grasp tightly, to: I ‘Must Survive!’
The world spins around me like a hurricane,
And hail pelts my soul in the storm!
Lava spills over my insides,
As from life I am gradually torn!
But there’s always ‘One Fight Left’ within me,
Calling me to ‘Never Give Up!’
I will turn from the edge of each abyss,
And cast down its’ ‘Bitter Cruel Cup!’
Yet there is fear when I know I have been there!
For I know it can trap me again,
Because once you’ve been that close to the edge,
Pain will easily find it again!
Longing to be lost in the depths of its’ darkness,
Where dense fog will cloud over reality,
Engulfing!  Consuming!  Possessing!
In the hope of setting pain free!
 
~ Panayiota
(11th February 2005 – 24h00 – EC, thank you for being there for me today!)
 
I also wrote a few years before:
 
INSANITY IS A PLACE OF REFUGE!
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
“Insanity is a place where a hurt and damaged spirit goes for refuge in this world, when it can’t find love, acceptance, understanding, help or peace, anywhere else!”
 
~ Panayiota
(14 July 2000)
 
I also wrote the same day:
 
THE SANITY OF HAVING A TRUE FRIEND
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
“NO ONE WHO IS BLESSED WITH A TRUE FRIEND COULD POSSIBLE GO INSANE.”
 
~ Panayiota
(14 July 2000)
 
FRIENDSHIP CIRCLE CRASHING
So anyway, at this time, I am feeling my family and friendship circles crashing once more and my sense of belonging dwindling rapidly again.  Because Patricia has surfaced, people are moving away… or… I am pushing them away… I am not 100% sure which… I think both.  I find it hard enough to deal with Patricia’s overwhelming intensity of emotions when she’s on the surface… my friends surely find it even harder… she is not a happy camper… who wants to be around someone who is always feeling frustrated and angry and speaks her mind.  I see and feel their connection fading in Patricia’s presence and that creates even more anxiety.  Patricia is hurting… and without meaning to, she hurts others… I cannot allow that to happen.
 
WONDERING ALONE BETWEEN HEAVEN AND EARTH
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Losing faith in your fellow man leaves you wondering in a lonely and desolate place somewhere between heaven and earth.
 
~ Panayiota
(9th December 2000)
 
Someone posted something yesterday on Facebook that triggered this blog post for me… I’ve changed the wording and attached it as a picture quote. 
 
IS THIS MY LAST BLOG POST?  You get to decide…
I am requesting responses to this blog post please. 
 
If anyone at all is being helped by my blog, please let me know by commenting publicly below this post. 
 
If I receive no responses, then I will no longer post any personal posts, other than donation requests on my blog again.  I will continue though, to write blog posts and keep those somewhere safe.  I will also send copies to someone I feel I can trust completely to keep for me.  I will ask that person, that when I die, to post all my blog posts under the heading “Our voices from our grave” because I (Panayiota, Patricia, Patty) might be silenced while we’re alive, but we will NOT be silenced in death also. 
 
Depending on your responses… if any at all, I will make my decision whether to keep posting my personal experiences on my blog… that is in your hands.
 
Ugly posts will not be read or posted and will be deleted… that is in my hands.
 
A song that popped up on Facebook yesterday… I felt that it fitted well with my current situation and did bring a sense of comfort for which I am grateful.
 
Lauren Daigle - You Say (Official Music Video)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIaT8Jl2zpI
 
Thank you for sharing with me today.
 
~ Panayiota 
 
If peace means being alone… then that’s where I want to be.

(Warning: This could be a disturbing post for sensitive readers)
This is one of those posts where I don’t even know where to start… so much has happened in a short space of time… how will I put it altogether… how will I remember it all in sequence… how will I be able to keep it short?  All I know is that I must write about this.  For me this is a vitally important post.  I’ve learned so much over this time… I must not waste this learning.  Will anyone understand if I share this?  Will I be throwing pearls to swine?   I pray that sharing this will be helpful to someone else out there… that the gradual awakening which is so important and valuable to me on my healing journey, will become valuable and healing for someone else also.  I give myself permission to write this post as lengthy as it’s going to have to be… there’s just no other way.  Why this posting is so important to me, will only become evident toward the end when all that I share has come together.
 
May 2018: I had been dragged into a situation between two people that had absolutely NOTHING to do with me, but because I knew the one and then the other (initially not knowing that they knew each other), I was pulled through the mud of their relationship as if I were supposed to be a part of it.  The suddenly changed behavior of the one person was so bizarre and unsettling to me, that the whole disturbance caused my inner-adolescent to surface over that time.  I started to feel guilty for something that was not meant to be my problem, just as I did many years ago as a young adolescent.  I knew that it was not meant to be my problem, but because I even existed on the outer border of their problem, just by knowing the two people independently, I was made to feel BAD.  And then, as the situation progressed from bad to worse, I also started to feel threatened. 
 
At the time, I did not realise that Patricia’s being triggered to the surface was all a prelude to a journey towards healing for her over the weeks to come.  There are no coincidences…  (Patricia, my over-protective, angry inner-adolescent-self)
 
At the same time as all this was happening, Patricia was feeling threatened in another area altogether, where my perceived “mother-games” trigger by someone else was threatening my place of belonging…  my sense of safety, family and being… Hence the blog post that I wrote recently with Patricia’s voice.  Then, once I was feeling more settled a few days after writing that blog post, I realised that it needed to be removed, because it was not what I would have written on any good day, or even a bad one.  (Patricia had written it).
 
June 2018: With all the preparations for the June (and again in November) workshops (Introductory and Intermediate Logotherapy students end of course examination workshops), it is a very busy and stressful time for me.  With my oldest son’s separation and divorce, my young daughter in law having a procedure done on her heart, my dear old daddy having his pacemaker battery renewed in surgery, and all the other stuff going on this May, I started my workshop preparations later than usual which only added to my stress-load, and on top of that, due to circumstances beyond my control, my whole presentation on “The Tribe and the Wounded Healer” had to be completely redone on the day before the first Introductory course workshop began.  So, on the 10th June, I spent the entire day frantically working on the presentation to have it ready in time to share with the students.  Almost the entire presentation was changed as I personalized it, shortened it, changed the language of it and made it more Logotherapeutic, renaming it, “Logotherapy & The Wounded Healer”.  I was pleased with the outcome as it had become closer to my experience and heart and therefore easier to present, without having to read off the hand notes. 
 
It wasn’t all good this time around
During the workshops, several things went wrong.  My phone went off during one of my mentor, Teria’s talks, my new computer wouldn’t play the DVD, and, on another day, I never brought the right cord for it to connect to the projector, forgetting that it was different to the one we usually used at the workshops.  I can’t remember what else when wrong, but these things were enough to make me feel so bad… as if I’d let Teria and our students down.  Teria had also heard about some disturbing struggles within another group not connected to the student workshops, which I was sure had unsettled her dear heart terribly and it made me uncomfortable to know that she had to deal with that ugly nonsense on her visit to South Africa. 
 
Thank you for kind donations (I just had to slip this one in quick)
I was so grateful to the kind lady who donated the money I needed to get to and from Unisa during the workshop period which ran over three weeks in June.  I’m not quite sure how my car made it, because it was making a dreadful grinding sound every time I used the breaks.  Mechanic, Michael at my son’s place of work did look at the breaks and said that they were new (which they are as far as I remembered), so he felt that something had gone out of line (I don’t remember what).  I did not have time over June to do anything about it.  My youngest son will be off work this weekend and hopefully he will be well enough to take it in to be sorted out then.  He’s recently had his usual flare up that always starts with a sore throat and what looks like sinusitis (but, watery mucus and swollen turbinates only).  So, this time I immediately put him on medication for allergic, asthma and even hay fever type symptoms and so far, he has been responding very well and although he has some intermittent coughing going on, it’s thankfully nothing like the usual worrying development of his symptoms that we have become so used to over the years since his lung operation.  After my donation plea, I had one other kind donor, donate R200 which I will use towards whatever needs to be done on the car, so a very big thank you to that lady who also responded with such love.  Hopefully the car fix won’t be anything too expensive… please.  I would still love for any donations towards the other things I requested the need for help on in the last blog post.  If anyone can help, my son and I would really appreciate it very much… thank you.
 
The dead dog (warning:  reading the following two inserts might be painful for animal lovers like myself)
A sight that has haunted me, was created on my trips home every day from Unisa over the three weeks of the workshop.  Every day as I drove past a certain point, I saw the same dead dog lying about a meter off of the road in the sun and dirt.  A medium sized young dog looking like a black Labrador.  I wondered why I had to see it every day, and on some days, it looked like it’s body had moved position since the day before.  Why couldn’t I be looking at something else when I passed that dead dog… why did I keep seeing it?  Was there a reason… a message in it for me?  
 
I identified with the poor cow’s agony
The day after the student workshops ended, I still needed to attend two days of Advanced and Diplomate course student’s mid-year plenary session at Unisa which added to my exhaustion but was still a wonderful time to spend with the students I’d once assisted on their journey through the Introductory and Intermediate courses.  On the Thursday we ended the plenary session around lunch time so that we could all prepare for the graduation that evening. Dr Kanda and I traveled to the Cow Farm in Pretoria where Teria and I always meet for lunch and a chat on her visits to South Africa.  I loved that Dr Kanda was coming with this time to enjoy this wonderful place with us.
 
On the way to the bathroom after lunch and before we all travelled together to our Student’s graduation evening in Edenvale, we were delighted to see all the cows heading very slowly up a ramp together, waiting their turn to go into the barn where they were to be milked. 
 
My delight suddenly turned to horror when I saw one of the cows, half-way up the ramp, squashed against the railings by other cows bustling all around her… she was hunched backed and straining uncomfortably, with a newly broken birth-cord hanging out of her back end, still attached to an afterbirth inside of her.  Her udders were so swollen, that as she strained to try and push out her afterbirth, the milk squirted and dripped out of her teats.  She looked so terribly uncomfortable and in obvious pain. 
 
I felt horrified… Where was her brand-new calf?  Had they already taken it away from her to fatten it elsewhere where all the other motherless calves were isolated, each alone in their own tiny, cold, dark cell?  Were they only interested in the money they could make from the mother cow’s milk (her calves milk!)  It was such a horrible and disturbing sight to witness.  I made sure to find someone and told them about the poor cow… they called a manager and I told her.  She looked very surprised and horrified and promised to go see to the cow immediately.  Teria, Dr Kanda and I then left for the graduation.  But the memory of that cow’s agony still haunts me.  I felt helpless as we drove away from that place and prayed that the manager did indeed do something to help the mother cow… to ease her burden.
 
Something so amazing happened – I found Sister Cecilia (I don’t believe in coincidences)
Something really amazing happened at the Intermediate workshop.  I had stuffed a little black book into my bag at home, in case I needed something to write on.  Before we left the lecture room at teatime that day, I took out the little back book and wrote on a blank page, the tea, coffee, etc. orders of each student.  It’s easier to do it that in the classroom while they are all together, before going down to the restaurant.  At the restaurant, I wanted to write more neatly, a list of what could be ordered, so it was ready for the next day.  As I turned the pages of the little black book, I came across something written by my mother’s hand.  My mother had the most beautiful handwriting.  I saw a person’s full name and an address, and next to the full name in brackets was written (Cecilia).  My mind buzzed as I made the connection from my distant past.  This was a possible link to Sister Cecilia, a Catholic nun.  One of the rare and only memories of happiness I still retained (though vaguely), from my past.  We lived in Rhodesia at the time, and whenever our mother went into hospital as a result of epilepsy, (The St. Anne’s Hospital near our home), Sister Cecilia would come with some other nuns, to take care of the needs of my sister and me.  I also remembered them bringing chicken and other wonderful treats for us for Christmas… (hardly any details left in my memory… just a very blurred, but very happy memory of the kind and loving nuns.)
 
Surreal
I was alone sorting out the tables and chairs in the sun while Teria and the students were collecting their drinks.  I sat down, still stunned by having found Sr Cecilia’s address.  Next thing, one of the students came to sit down next to me… A Catholic nun… the first we’ve ever had on our courses as far as I remember.  It was a very surreal moment for me… I wanted to cry… another student arrived and sat on the other side of me, and I wanted to explain myself, so tried to tell her what had just happened, and the tears instantly rose to the surface, so I couldn’t tell her anything more… I had to contain myself so as not to have to leave the table in tearful embarrassment. 
 
Although I had a full name and address in that little black book, I was too eager to wait for a letter to reach her… was she even still alive?  We hadn’t seen our mother for many years, so it must have been a long time ago that she would have written in that book… Where on earth did the little book come from anyway?  Why hadn’t I seen it before?  I was stunned by this incredible moment in time.  On the 26th June, I looked up the name on the Internet and yes… I found it!  There were no contact details attached to it, but instead a contact to the “Global Sisters Report”.  So, I wrote to that e-mail address briefly explaining how I knew Sr Cecilia and asked if they knew how I could contact her.  The next day, the person responded saying that she had sent my letter onto Sister Cecilia and hoped that she would respond to me… which to my absolute delight, she did.  I found her letter on my computer when I returned home late in the evening, from the student’s graduation on the 28th June.
 
I always remembered being very little at the time of those beautiful nuns, but I was in for a surprise.  When Sister Cecilia responded on the 28th June, she addressed me as Patricia… she remembered me as Patricia Jooste, the name I was known by during the time that our mother was married to our abusive, “child-molester” stepfather.  I think my mother must have left him at that stage… how old was I then, I wonder… anything between 12-15… I think… but still very much a little girl inside. 
 
It was surreal being addressed as Patricia, especially at this time… but something inside of me just KNEW… that this was also not a coincidence… there was a reason for all the events that had triggered Patricia to the surface just recently… there was a reason I found Sister Cecilia at this time… there was a reason for it all, and even for what was still to come. 
 
Being a lot more mindful of the goings on in my life and mind these days, I pondered on all the events of late… and I knew that Life was working something in me… a personal miracle in progress.
 
Was it Patricia’s turn to find healing?  Is that what it was all about?  Yes-Yes, I was sure it was.  Suddenly it all became so clear… instead of seeing all the bad stuff as BAD… I was now seeing it in a new and awakening light… I started to feel HELD… LOVED… NOT SO ALONE.  Life was working a miracle in me once again, and it was for me to work with it and to receive it and make the most of this wonderful opportunity for healing my Patricia.
 
When I wrote back to Sister Cecilia, who is now in her 80’s, in a care center for the aged and suffers from arthritis, I sat for a few moments staring at the last line of my letter… how would I sign off?  For so many years I had absolutely hated the name, Patricia Jooste.  My mother changed my name at school and that was what I was called… never, ever by my own true name, other than by my beloved Greek stepmother who always called me Panayiota, and occasionally one or two others intermittently throughout my life.  Because of my Greek mother, I learned to value my true name greatly, so it always hurt that nobody else would call me by it… even the rest of my Greek family and my own dad who I love dearly, have always called me Pat.
 
So, I sat there, looking at that last line of my letter to Sister Cecilia… how would I sign off? 
 
Thinking about all the recent events that led up to this moment in time, I knew in my heart that without a shadow of a doubt, Life was making the way clear for Patricia’s healing.  How could I not, but to sign off to this dear old lady with Patricia… in honour of Patricia… yes, perhaps she too has longed to hear her name being called and recognized and fully accepted with my unconditional love.  I signed my letter off… Patricia.
 
28th June - The graduation evening was wonderful, and I met up with two dear friends, Audrey and Sue which helped to make the evening extra special for me.  Teria spoke to us all and her message centered around behaving, one towards another, in a true Logotherapeutic and optimally human way in the best interest of all.  I am quite sure and would hope, that not only myself, but everyone in the room was touched for all that is good, beautiful, right, healing and true by her message.   I was so disappointed, that in my exhaustion from the whole months activities, that I completely forgot to put my recorder on to capture every empowering word of Teria’s wisdom. 
 
Right at the end of the graduation, after Teria had spoken and we went to have tea together, the lights went out and we finished off the evening by candle and cell-phone light.  Something niggled at me right at the end of the evening, when I realised that, that evening was the last time I’d see Teria after three intense weeks of her company… and that I had not said a proper goodbye to her when she left… I felt I had been prevented from going out to say goodbye to her and those thoughts festered in my head overnight and…
 
30th June 2018:  And then it was Saturday…
Both my son and I had arrived home late on Friday night and realised our water had been cut.  It was still off all day Saturday and if it wasn’t for my little sister, Mira, popping in with a large flask of water for tea, and helping me lift a heavy bucket to flush the toilet and fill the cistern ready for the next flush, I just don’t know what I would have done.  (My son was working).  Mira also took two of my large buckets home with her and filled them with clean water… her and my oldest Nephew brought them inside and made sure I was settled for the day.  Of course, they saw my tears, but their kindness and visits helped a lot to lift my spirit.
 
Whenever the workshops end, it feels to me, just like the day after Christmas, when all the rushing-excitement and festivities are suddenly over… THE NOTHING returns.  I sat in my quiet house, surrounded by what seemed to be total chaos to me… chaos with my work because so much had gotten so far behind during the workshops… chaos in my home for the same reason… and chaos in my head, because I was still agonizing over the various disturbance that had happened of late.  How could I allow people to have so much power over my thoughts, to cause so much chaos.  Oh, how Patricia would love to write here thoughts here right now, because she is still angry and unsettled, but I am fighting to keep her in check… her voice comes with no filters, and as my adult-self, Panayiota, I also need to heed Teria’s wisdom and hope that it has made the general impact needed to bring back the peace and sense of belonging I so desperately need at this time.
 
Deepest darkest depression
I woke on Saturday with the deepest darkest depression already well set in place… as if I was finally able to rip off the masks of “everything’s ok” so that I could be present during the workshops, to take on my responsibilities in an adult way.  The adrenaline high that I’d been on to cope had suddenly crashed onto some other level and I found myself in a dark place once more of, NO LONGER BELONGING… I felt that I’d come as far as I could go on my Logotherapy journey…. It had done all it could do for me and there was nothing left anymore to be done… it was over.
 
I wanted to escape the anguish I was feeling, but I kept thinking of that little dog lying there dead, on the side of the road.  Who cared about the dog… how many would someday when I’m dead, pass my gravestone and not care about the name written on it, or the person buried in it?
 
I am not ready to die, I still have so much to do.  I must fulfil my life’s purpose before I can die, so that maybe then others would really care that I’d BEEN. 
 
In the anguish I was experiencing during the morning, I kept thinking of that poor cow… I was identifying deeply with her struggle… I was feeling her pain, although on an emotional level, and her internal moaning and groaning, straining-agonies.  Patricia was screaming so hard and so loud inside of me, but her screams were not able to come out… still STUCK in that awful place of suffocation that I once drew of her during my time in therapy about 10 years ago… the picture I now have in my book, which I hope to find time to finish the self-editing on and have published someday soon.
 
It occurred to me, that it was actually Patricia’s overwhelming burden and intensity that caused me to once write the following poem.
 
Intensity
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
The intensity is more than I can bear!
Burning acid on every rip and tear!
Bubble, bubble toil and trouble!
So much chaos, so much muddle!
I cannot bear it anymore...
But I'm not ready for Heaven's Door!
Help me!  Help me!
Please make me brave!
Save me! Save me! 
Please help me...
Save...
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(07 October 2014 – Written in the middle of a sleepless dark night somewhere)

I could never be a “real” trainer
Another thing that was playing greatly on my mind at the time and that was also shaking me up over the workshop period, was that I came to the full realization (once again), that I could never be a real trainer.  I can do little bits here and there to assist Teria with her training of the students.  I can do presentations… my presentations always done with reasonable confidence and I am able to answer questions about my life ok… but, when I do Teria’s presentation, which I have done over and over and should know off by heart by now, I still find that I need to read off of my notes!  Self-consciousness causes me to listen to my own voice when I’m reading and lose even more confidence!  I sometimes stammer over the words… forget my place and feel like a fool.  And, there are times when Teria leaves me with the students at the end of the day, when they are working in a group (on their own), on some exercise they each take turns to discuss with each other.  It’s wonderful to listen to them and how they open-up and share so deeply with each other, but just let one turn and ask me a question that I should easily have the answer to… I instantly go blank… any hope of response is silenced by my own messed-up mind.  AAARGH!!!
 
Going back into my past, I remember our mother waking us up in the night, expecting us to come immediately to sing a song to her visitor, mostly her latest boyfriend… the song we sang to her earlier in the day.  She loved to use us in this way… to show us off to her friends… She’d drag us, still half asleep, to the sitting room… “Patty, sing that song you sang to me earlier… it was so lovely… come on… SING!”  Like puppets on a string, we had no option, but to preform instantly at her command and if we dared to fail, we knew what was going to come next.  She’d send us back to our room, showing obvious disgust that we failed her… embarrassing us and giving us “THE LOOK”… and with that, we would know………… there we would lie, fearful and wide-eyed in the blackness, trying to fall back to sleep, but too scared to, because we knew that once the visitor had left, mother would be coming for us in all her fury.  So tired… so desperately, desperately tired… but too scared to sleep, because the ugly vicious, growling, screeching monster was coming for us soon.  She’d rip us out of our beds by our hair and beat the living daylights out of us… THE END!
 
So, with so much going on, Patricia was back in full force, but the cork on her anger (that had been fizzing explosively inside for years) had burst off and the tears of deepest despair and frustration flowed uncontrollably.  All this first triggered by the violent shaking of the bottle by my perceptions of, and reactions (desperate need to protect) to the behavior of others during May and June, the stressful RUSH of June and other incidents mentioned in this post.  The bottle of my equilibrium was shaken even more violently by Patricia’s desperate need to protect those who were being hurt in the all the unnecessary commotion… just like it was when she tried to protect her little sister may years before.  (An overwhelmingly impossibly frustrating task).
 
Who could understand… unless you had been there… unless you had been my Patricia.
 
The (exhaustion) depression totally consumed me on Saturday to the point that I felt to give up completely.  My youngest son was at work, so I was alone… totally and utterly alone in all the chaos. 
 
I started to want OUT… not death… for some reason I am not ready for death yet… I used to wish for it all the time (before I had children and grandchildren and before Logotherapy found me and gave me an even greater will to live.)  But I felt that I could not go on living the way I am in a place of such disturbance.  I could not live where I didn’t feel I fully belonged… The anxiety was so overwhelming on Saturday, that I felt I could tear the flesh off my own body… I wanted OUT… but how could I achieve that… find a new job… where would I go in search of work… A home for the disabled not far from my place… Old folks’ homes nearby… (I love old folk so much).
 
And so, my thoughts scraped like sandpaper against my skin throughout the day… I developed my IBS pain again which lasted a good few days.  For three days, I kept getting a pain in my heart… a sharp stabbing pain, especially when I breathed in.  I went through a stage many years before when I had that pain… I was told that an excess adrenaline release was causing painful contractions on the apex of my heart… I don’t know if that’s true.  On Sunday I woke up aching all over and my feet threatening gout again, but I acted immediately, and the threat became less over a few days.

A friendly little bird 
Sometime during the day, I went out into the garden to hang washing.  The sun shone warmly on  my face and a little bird greeted me as I went out.  It danced around on the ground so close to where I was standing... no more than a  meter from me.  I'm not sure what kind of bird it is... it has visited me before when I've been sad... I will take a photo of it next time I see it.  I am guessing it is a Cape robin, but I could be wrong. It sung the gentlest and sweetest little song while I was out there.  I felt strongly that the little bird was there to lift my spirits... to tell me that all would be well.  I believe that those who have crossed over the veil before me, still find a way to let me know that they are with me.  Who could this bird be I wondered... some names crossed my mind... Norma maybe (my dear old friend who I had to leave behind when I moved away from Benoni)... maybe Doris (my dear old house-helper who I loved like a mother)... (I didn't know if it was a male or female bird). Whoever it was, I felt their comforting love and a sense of rejoicing... everything was going to be alright.

My daughter is a blessing in my life
At some stage on Saturday, my daughter called and invited me to lunch at her house on Sunday.  Moments later, my oldest son asked on our family WhatsApp group if anyone would like a visit from him and my three grandchildren, because he had them for the week as it was their school holidays.  My daughter responded that they could also come to lunch on Sunday, and suddenly, I had something lovely to look forward to… and that really helped to lift me from the worst of the depression. 
 
On Sunday, we had a wonderful time together.  My son and I had a good chat with each other… we both needed someone to talk to and we understand each other more than most other people understand us.  I was reminded once again of what an incredible spirit he has and rejoiced in that knowledge.  I have had similar chats with my second son in the past that have lifted me to the skies and am so proud to be the mother of the wonderful children that Heaven has blessed me with.  I had the opportunity to share with my oldest, a WhatsApp conversation I’d had the day before with Dr Kanda that I also found so helpful in lifting me from my depression.  My son really appreciated what Dr Kanda had shared with me and he understood our WhatsApp conversation and agreed with it all.  It was so special to be able to share something so personal with my son that day and I was grateful to my daughter for entertaining the children outside so that my son and I could talk.  She is so very special to my heart.
 
The WhatsApp conversation with Dr Kanda on Saturday
I mentioned to Dr Kanda that I was very depressed, because he wanted to visit.  I wrote back that I’d rather he didn’t come.  I’d taken a tablet for the depression that I’d used successfully in my far distant past, and someone had recently given me some, just to see if they still worked so well.  I only took half, because I wanted to monitor how they would work now.  I couldn’t afford to sleep all day with so much work to do.
 
I wrote to Dr Kanda: “If the tablet works, it will be ok, but if I am like I am now, it will just be a garbled moaning and groaning time and I don’t have time for that.  I’ve got too much catching up to do.  I’m not going to do myself in so please don’t worry.  Just feeling very frustrated, angry and sad all at the same time and feel like I’ve had enough for now.  Too tired to discuss it anyway.  I just feel overwhelmed and need to catch up.  Any interruption would prevent catching up.  Thank you for caring and have a good evening.”
 
WhatsApp conversation continued on Sunday
I asked Dr Kanda if he was aware of something that had unsettled me in the last moments of the graduation, but I (Patricia) felt that he did not give me an adequate answer.  Picking up that there might be a problem, he mentioned again that he wanted to visit, and I said, “No”… I was far too busy with too much work to catch up on and that any interruptions would only add to the stress of getting up to date with my work.  He then asked if I was struggling with something and so I shared that I’d not said a proper goodbye to Teria on the evening and my unsettled thoughts on why I believed that could have happened.  Over the years, I have come to find a friend in Dr Kanda who, even if he doesn’t understand things all the time, he genuinely tries his best to and has earned my trust over time as a result.
 
He responded: “Take care and if possible a break from work.  I could not work yesterday as I realised the extent of damage and hurt caused. We need to be strong to carry our load.  Ours is to serve.  The rest will follow.  With loving care.”
 
I was touched by his wisdom and it opened a door of trust for me to share a little more and to reassure him, because I didn’t want to leave him worrying.  It was so good to have someone to talk to in that dark place. 
 
I wrote: “Beautifully said as always.  I’m in the space to find a new job and cut myself off completely, because I cannot hold Patricia’s intensity like this… it’s literally unbearable.  Her angry and frustrated screaming is not silent inside of me… it’s too loud and desperate… staying as numb as possible to keep her from taking over… talking will make me too vulnerable to keep her in… she is a danger to my life because she is in too much pain… I will visit my daughter later today for lunch.  It will help a lot.  Thanks so much.”
 
His response was one of the most beautifully inspired and uplifting that I could have hoped for in that moment of time.  I felt fully acknowledged and accepted in my weakness, and in that moment, I could feel Patricia’s healing beginning.
 
“Will you be able to nurse Patricia as she deserves unconditional love from you and not shame because she is angry.  She is angry for a reason and she needs to be acknowledged for being a protective guardian.  It is time for her to feel loved and accepted regardless of what happened or will happen.  Logotherapy space is for you unconditionally.  There will be difficult times of trial but the truth, the beautiful and the good will prevail.  Giving up is not an option.  Fighting decently for a decent life is the way to go.  Maybe Patricia does not need to fight this time, but to tell us how she did it, to keep us alive.  You see, maybe Patricia needs to graduate to become a coach, a guide of the new warriors of meaning.  With loving care”
 
In tears of gratitude and a real sense of being held by the love of a true friend, I wrote back and thanked him.
 
Friends do get hurt
Two friends wrote to me around that time.  Because I (Patricia) was still feeling BAD when the one wrote, and because Patricia does not trust, when each one said kind things to me and that they cared and loved me, I felt NOTHING (maybe even angry that they were being kind to me and telling me they loved me)… I have felt that before, and realised more than ever this time around, that when Patricia is on the surface, her emotions are a lot different to my own.  Patricia is unable to respond to love… she has no filter and says things from an angry, frustrated and very hurting place of distrust.  Patricia is numb to love… she cannot believe in it… she was born out of her stepfather’s frequent abuses and rapes.  Patricia does not fear losing friends… she doesn’t care, and I truly believe that she could even be a real danger to my younger inner-child (Patty) and my adult self’s existence.  Not realizing that the anguish she feels is solely hers, I believe that she could easily take our lives to protect us from her own overwhelming and unbearable intensity of emotions.  
 
Having said that, I also believe that she has sacrificed her own will to die… to be free of her own sufferings and anguish, because of her overwhelming sense of responsibility to protect “us”… to keep us safe.  I believe that she LIVED for her little sister at a time that she wanted only to die… to be free… just as she is now living for Patty and Panayiota.
 
Trust will always be an issue
Having gone through what I have over the last few weeks, I realise all too well, that sharing my weaker-self with others (even writing these blog posts), has exposed even more the real me and that this will potentially further damage my relationships.  But when one is on a genuine quest for healing as I am, one cannot allow any threats of loss of friendships or reputation, or judgements against one’s self to diminish one’s will to progress… healing must remain my one true goal and focus and I cannot allow anything to get in the way of that.  Healing takes real effort… and by what I am learning, it also takes sacrifice and even loss.
 
Sharing with one or two people, I realise that they are taking what I’ve shared and sharing it among themselves.  This could lead to them deciding to protect me in future from what is really going on out there… which means, they will withdraw their truths from me… I see this as a painful LOSS.  Other people will take what I’ve shared and along with their label for me of “Mental Illness”, they will use it to shift responsibility, to justify and cover up their own bad behaviors and judgements.  Some will feel sorry for me… I DON’T WANT ANYONE TO FEEL SORRY FOR ME!!!  DAMMIT!  I’ve come too far for such an insult to my growth thus far! 
 
I cannot let any of this distract me from the responsibility I owe to myself for my own healing journey… I must not give up, even if in the end, I end up healed but entirely alone with my “Peace of mind”.  Anything would be better than the anguish of being so fragmented by the otherwise burning and lasting effects of child abuse on my life.
 
I will not allow Patty’s tearful-brokenness or Patricia’s desperate, angry screaming go with me to my grave… if I allowed that, then my abusers from my childhood and all the stand-by finger-pointing abusers ever since then would have won… Mother always, ALWAYS WON! 
 
But this time I will not let her, no matter what or who I lose along the way… This time… I WIN!
 
‘FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT’ TO BE ‘ME’!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I sometimes ponder upon my ‘haunting fears’,
I know ‘they’ were created since my difficult youth,
I wonder how I came so far with ‘them’,
For they exist, as plain as the truth!
 
I know I’m a special woman today,
I believe in the ‘LOVE’ of my heart,
Yet still the ‘fears’ haunt me so often,
And I’m sure ‘they’ will never depart!
 
I’ve learnt to expect ‘them’ - My burden,
To carry with me through all my days,
And although faith has made ‘them’ less frightening,
‘They’ still insist on ‘their’ ways!
 
‘They’ so want to rule who I am,
And control my destiny,
But I know all ‘their’ tricks and ‘their’ games,
And I will keep fighting, "The Good Fight’ to be ‘ME’!
 
(28 March 2002)
 
Thank you for sharing with me today
 
~ Panayiota (on behalf of Patty and Patricia)
 
I don’t believe in coincidence 
Just as there are symbols guiding us in our dreams, so I believe also, that there are symbols guiding us in our wakefulness… we just need to become more “awake” to notice them and take action on them.

Life Shocks:  https://www.irishtimes.com/culture/books/what-are-lifeshocks-and-what-can-we-do-with-them-1.3545670?mode=amp
 
10 mindful minutes:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzR62JJCMBQ

At this time, I am appealing for assistance please if anyone is able to help.  If you can donate, please specify that it is a donation and for what (if anything in particular listed) you would like us to put your donation towards.  Receipts will be shown where requested for any purchases using your donations.

• Petrol: This month is a very heavy month once again for my son and I because I will be attending three student workshops in Pretoria… 11 days and a possible 2 more days with setting up and meeting with my Mentor there.  Each day would cost me approximately R150 for petrol to and from Pretoria.  (I am told that our petrol prices will go op even more this coming Wednesday 6th June) I am requesting help towards the 11 days traveling R1650. 
• Vacuum cleaner:  We have not had a vacuum cleaner for over a month since ours packed in.  It is vital to help keep our house dust free as I have breathing allergies and my son has occasional lung issues since his operation some years ago which left him with only 1/3 of his lung on the right side. I have checked online for prices at our store called Game (South Africa).  The prices range from the cheapest, around R349 to more expensive ones from up to R2000 +
• Underpants, socks, extra work uniform (only has two shirts), clothes for my son (larger size – pants 44 and shirts xxx) – second hand or around R2000 to purchase new (I am also in great need of clothes, but feel it’s more important to see to all these other needs first please)
• Lawn Mower:  Since our dear neighbours moved recently, we no longer have their help with our outside lawn which includes our other older neighbours shared portion of the lawn.  We would regularly mow their lawn too if we had a mower.  I have checked the prices online for Game’s lawnmower prices, which range from R1310-R3000 +
• Bath to shower conversion:  I am sure I can get it done for less than R5000 if anyone can help with that please.  It is practically impossible to get in and out of the bath when I have gout attacks in my feet, and now with arthritis gradually developing in my hands, particularly affecting my lower thumb joints, it’s hard to lift myself in and out of the bath these days without hurting them more.
• Door handle and lock:  R500 needed for a new door handle and lock for the 2nd hand glass doors which was put onto our new hobby room a while back.  We are currently unable to lock the glass door, so keep the garage rollup door pulled down and locked at all times which means we still don’t benefit from the light that could be coming in from the glass doors if the rollup door was not there.

 
If anyone can help with anything here, we’d be so grateful.  If more than one donation comes in for the same thing, I will put the remainder towards the next most important thing on this list. 
​Thank you.
 
~ Panayiota 
​

I decided to so some research today on the possibility that I might be struggling with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) in connection with my dissociative disorder and have been (tired) for as long as I can remember.  I was so relieved to find that there is indeed a connection and identified with much of what I have read about it on the Internet today.  I would still need to do a lot more research to help myself with this struggle, but to at least understand what might be going on that causes me such debilitating exhaustion, so often, is such a relief… to just have some possibility of answers at last. 
 
I am sharing two links that I found this morning.  When I have time again, I will research more, but am about to enter one of the busiest times of the year with the students’ portfolios about to come in for marking (one last night) and the student workshops next month, so I might not be able to do much research in the meantime. 
 
If anyone has information on this subject that could help me in my quest for further self-understanding, knowledge and healing, please do share with me to save me research time and point me in the right direction more quickly.  Thank you.

• Article on:  IVORY GARDEN DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER SUPPORT GROUP AND CHAT (copied below)

https://www.igdid.com/h78-childhood-trauma-and-chronic-fatigue-syndrome-risk-biologically-linked
 
Childhood Trauma And Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Risk Biologically Linked
ScienceDaily (Jan. 5, 2009) - Childhood trauma is a potent risk factor for development of chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), according to a study by researchers at Emory University School of Medicine and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).
 
Results of the study confirm that childhood trauma, particularly emotional maltreatment and sexual abuse, is associated with a six-fold increased risk for CFS. The risk further increases with the presence of posttraumatic stress disorder symptoms.
 
The study also found that low levels of cortisol, a hallmark biological feature of CFS, are associated with childhood trauma. Cortisol is frequently referred to as the "stress hormone" and is important to regulate the body's response to stress. A lack of cortisol's effects may cause altered or prolonged stress responses.
 
"The study indicates that low cortisol levels may actually reflect a marker for the risk of developing CFS rather than being a sign of the syndrome itself," said Christine M. Heim, PhD, lead author of the study and associate professor in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, Emory University School of Medicine.
 
The population-based study analyzed data from 113 people with CFS, and a control group of 124 people without CFS, drawn from a sample of almost 20,000 Georgians. The results confirm earlier findings from a 2006 study conducted in Wichita, Kan.
 
Study participants completed a self-reported questionnaire on five different types of childhood trauma including emotional, physical and sexual abuse, and emotional and physical neglect. Researchers also collected saliva samples from participants to record levels of cortisol over one hour after awakening, typically an individual's highest cortisol levels for the day.
 
"When looking at CFS cases with and without histories of childhood trauma, only those with childhood trauma had the classic low cortisol levels often seen in CFS cases," explains Heim.
 
"It is important to emphasize that not all patients with CFS have been through childhood trauma," she says. "CFS may be part of a spectrum of disorders associated with childhood adversity, which includes depression and anxiety disorders."
 
Certain experiences children have while the brain is developing and vulnerable can make a difference in the way the body reacts to stress later in life, and may have long-term health consequences.
 
"Trauma that occurs at different times in childhood may be linked to different long term changes. It's an area in which more work is needed," says Heim.
 
This study was supported by a grant from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

• 10 Symptoms of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

http://health.facty.com/conditions/chronic-fatigue/10-symptoms-of-chronic-fatigue-syndrome/

1. Cognitive problems
2. Erratic sleep
3. Muscle and joint pain
4. Vertigo
5. PEM
6. Sensitivity to external stimuli
7. Weakened immune system
8. Gastro intestinal problems
9. Paresthesia
10. Difficulty staying upright

 

• THE LINK BETWEEN CHILDHOOD TRAUMA AND CHRONIC FATIGUE SYNDROME

https://childhoodtraumarecovery.com/2013/10/24/the-link-between-childhood-trauma-and-chronic-fatigue-symptom/

• Somewhere I also read that chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) may be a result of unresolved rage.  I have struggled with a more intensely prolonged episode of what I now believe are the symptoms of CFS since a recent upset that involves the threat of loss again and a sense of abject helplessness/hopelessness to stop what is causing me so much emotional discomfort.  I know that my inner adolescent Patricia, is affected and it is her that I experience as holding a lot of unresolved rage.

 
I experience chronic fatigue syndrome as extremely debilitating and time wasting… I must find a way to FIX this so that I can be more productive and live a better life!    
 
Today my work stepped up… more contact with the students, etc. resulting in a lot more motivation.  I got so much done and I feel great as a result.  It’s after 7pm now and yes, now I am very tired, but at least I have been able to function better today… thankfully.
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~  Panayiota

It always amazes me, how when I’m struggling with something in particular, something will pop up on the internet that could guide me towards some answers for explaining my experience.
 
At this time, when my work has gotten very quiet (a quiet time of the year which runs over a few weeks)… hardly any e-mails and phone calls… my connection with the outside world is reduced drastically, I now find myself really struggling to stay connected to anything again.  The quietness of the days drag on and I imagine that it is possible that I sink into a constant state of dissociation that I struggle to emerge from in order to get anything done.  Even as I am typing this, I feel myself falling down the rabbit hole… I’d give anything to just go sleep the whole day away… take something to make sure I do.  Any interruption or noise seems to send out an explosion of nerves rippling through my body… like I’m hypersensitive to any stimulus… I feel so switched off that part of me wants to sink deeper into it, because the struggle to stay on top of it is hard work.
 
After writing the three catch up blog posts on Thursday, I hit a real heavy low again on Friday… I had not slept well on Thursday night, which really aggravates the whole situation… so by early on Friday morning, I was already so tired I could not hold my head up anymore… the deepest, most draining kind of tiredness I can possibly explain to anyone unless you’ve experienced it yourself.
 
I wrote in a WhatsApp conversation to a friend who identifies and understands how this feels: (adapted)
 
“I am deeply depressed today after writing yesterday’s blog posts… touching on too much emotion at once I guess.  So tired I can hardly hold myself up.  I tried napping just now, because there was just nothing left, but it was not a good nap… too much adrenaline or something… I felt the same kind feeling one feels when they are fainting… Unless you’ve fainted, you won’t understand what that feels like.  I have been feeling so heavy… like gravity is pulling me down.  Don’t worry… once work steps up again I won’t get like this as often… Work is my saving grace.  There’s loads of work to do now, but it’s not with CONNECTION and that causes procrastination, depression and a huge problem with staying connected to anything.  The quiet days are far too long… I think I’m a hopeless case sometimes.”
 
So that’s where the conundrum of my “NO TIME” problem stems from.  When I do have time to catch up on things when work is really quiet… I find it harder to do anything at all.  It seems that I function best under pressure… when there’s no pressure, I stop functioning normally and end up in that “LOST AND WONDERING” place again, struggling to find my way back to reality!  It’s a totally ridiculous situation!  There is so much PRECIOUS TIME wasted on this nonsense!!!  People seem to get annoyed with me when I say I have problems finding time… Does anyone understand now that I’ve tried to explain what I believe might be happening in me… AARGH!
 
Friday I was more deeply in that lost and wondering place again than usual but chatting with my understanding friend helped to lift me from it a bit and having something really wonderful to look forward to on Saturday also helped a lot as I prepared for that. 
 
My youngest son wanted to spend time with is siblings which I felt was unusual for him, so when he asked if we could all go somewhere together, I agreed.  He invited his siblings to join us at the local botanical gardens for a picnic.  I wasn’t sure what would happen, but we were going to go anyway, regardless.
 
I was so happy when my oldest son agreed to join us with the three children… we’ve been too apart for too long when he lived further away, but now that he’s separated and moved closer, I have seen him more often and each visit has been so relaxed, real and wonderful for me personally.  He had the children this weekend, so it was a perfect time to see them all.  My daughter also agreed to come along and last minute, my middle son and family also agreed.  It was the first time we had all been together… JUST US… in a long, long time.  My middle son took a long time to arrive, as he had other stuff to do, but once he arrived, my family was complete… even if just for a short time together.    We had family photos taken… so beautiful…
 
The day was almost perfect, but something important to my mommy heart was missing… I didn’t realise it at the time because I was having so much fun with my children and grandchildren, but a disturbing nightmare on Saturday night highlighted it for me and left me waking up once more, lost and wondering.  I can’t talk about it… but it’s something that leaves my sense of peace and happiness still feeling incomplete in this world…
 
The only reason I’m sharing this, is because this link popped up this morning and made me think that perhaps… a lot of the time, what people see as chronic fatigue, could just be a prolonged state of dissociation… an emotional state of being sucked away from reality… disconnection… a kind of self-protective emotional mechanism to avoid dealing with the reality of a seemingly hopeless situation.
 
I loved spending time with my children and grandchildren… especially having my big boy with us at this time… it feels like I have my son back again and I can’t tell you how much that means to me.  I feel a real connection to his spirit and trust that connection implicitly… I am so grateful for any moment spent with him.  It was truly a most beautiful day.
 
But… something very important to my mommy heart was missing… so it couldn’t be a perfect day, but it was so close to perfect that I will cherish the memories forever of all of us together.  It was a beautiful, warm winters day… what a blessing.
 
https://themighty.com/2018/02/signs-chronic-fatigue-not-just-tired/?utm_source=newsletter_chronic_illness&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=newsletter_chronic_illness_2018-05-25
 
Thank you for sharing with me today
 
~ Panayiota.

Wednesday, 16th May ~ On this evening, my dear friend Miryam, was married in Israel… I was so happy for her.  To see an aged couple finding love and getting married filled me with a wonderful HOPE that I can’t begin to explain.  When I spoke to Miryam about it she wrote back with some beautiful wisdom for me.
 
“Suspend all doubts. "Make believe" until it happens and then just relax about it all. When resistance is gone (no matter how small), when it is all given up, the "universe" brings it to you. I pray for you!  And all women who are struggling. Sending love!!!!!”  
 
I have printed those words out and once laminated, I will hang it to my wall as a constant reminder… there is always hope… it is NEVER too late.  My Cinderella dreams could still come true someday… I just have to allow myself to believe. 
 
Saturday, 19th May ~ The Royal wedding:  As I waited for the royal wedding live broadcast to begin, I remembered lovingly, my dear old British “grandpa Baker”, at the end of the day, when the TV shut down there in Bulawayo, Rhodesia [Now Zimbabwe] (I'm sure that was at around 9pm, being the early days of TV there)… the song, God Bless Our Gracious Queen would play to end the days broadcasts... Grandpa Jack would always rise to his feet at attention, saluting in honour of his queen, until the song was over and singing with it in his strong British accent. Us children got into the habit of copying him. I wonder if my sister remembers that... I must ask her. So, it was one of those traditional things that I believe helped us see our world in a different way. That there were ideals and people outside of our abusive childhood, who we could still respect and stand up for... I'm sure Grandpa's deep love and respect for his beloved Royals made a huge difference in our outlook and lives.  God bless grandpa Baker in Heaven.
 
I loved watching the royal wedding and being caught up on all the romance, fashion and joy along with the crowds on the streets. 
 
As usual, my age old intrusive thoughts caused a sense of fear and dread in me… “Look how happy everyone is… what if a bomb goes off now?” In the past, I would have battled throughout the broadcast with such negative thoughts intruding into what was supposed to be joyful and happy experience for me, but as my healing has progressed, I found that this time, I was able to stop the thoughts quickly and continue to enjoy the broadcast without such threats swirling around in my mind and intruding on my JOY in the moment.
 
I loved the words of Bishop Michael Curry’s sermon.  When I posted it on Facebook, I was immediately met with the negativity of others around the way he delivered his sermon. 
 
I responded to three messages:
“I couldn't say how they were feeling about it... a lot of people love this kind of preaching... we all come from different ways and life experiences... but still... the message was about loving and accepting each other in our uniqueness, warts and all in this world and I guess... that requires another level from us... to see beyond what is not a part of our upbringing, tradition, tribe and culture... that's basically what my latest presentation is all about.
 
“This is just a different preaching style that we are not used to at all. I have seen it before and I don't feel comfortable with it either. So, it's not about other religions and what they do... for me... it's just the message on LOVE that I want to highlight... that's all I want to be able to focus on here, because it was an important message to the world in its’ own right.”
 
“Maybe some of my friends here enjoy this kind of preaching and I would therefore not want the fact that I posted this to insult them by the comments that follow... as you know, I don't often talk religion or politics on my page... both have caused me immense pain and struggle throughout my life. I only posted this, to share the message of love... love and acceptance for all. It's something I really want to work more on as part of my own personal growth needs and goals.”
 
I believe that my friends then understood where I was coming from and why I’d chosen to post this sermon below on my Facebook page.
 
Bishop Michael Curry’s sermon ~ May 19, 2018
 
“And now in the name of our loving, liberating and life-giving God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Amen.
From the Song of Solomon, in the Bible:
 
"Set me as a seal upon your heart,
 
as a seal upon your arm;
 
for love is strong as death,
 
passion fierce as the grave.
 
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
a raging flame.
 
Many waters cannot quench love,
neither can floods drown it."
 
The late Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr once said, and I quote: "We must discover the power of love, the redemptive power of love. And when we discover that, we will be able to make of this old world a new world, for love is the only way."
 
There's power in love. Don't underestimate it. Don't even over-sentimentalize it. There's power - power in love. If you don't believe me, think about a time when you first fell in love. The whole world seemed to center around you and your beloved.
 
Oh there's power - power in love. Not just in its romantic forms, but any form, any shape of love. There's a certain sense in which when you are loved, and you know it, when someone cares for you, and you know it, when you love and you show it - it actually feels right. There's something right about it.
 
And there's a reason for it. The reason has to do with the source. We were made by a power of love, and our lives were meant - and are meant - to be lived in that love. That's why we are here.
 
Ultimately, the source of love is God himself: the source of all of our lives.
 
There's an old medieval poem that says: "Where true love is found, God himself is there".
 
The New Testament says it this way: "Beloved, let us love one another, because love is of God, and those who love are born of God and know God. Those who do not love do not know God. Why? For God is love."
 
There's power in love. There's power in love to help and heal when nothing else can.
 
There's power in love to lift up and liberate when nothing else will. There's power in love to show us the way to live.
 
"Set me as a seal on your heart, a seal on your arm, for love is as strong as death."
 
But love is not only about a young couple. Now the power of love is demonstrated by the fact that we're all here. Two young people fell in love, and we all showed up. But it's not just for and about a young couple, who we rejoice with. It's more than that.
 
Jesus of Nazareth on one occasion was asked by a lawyer to sum up the essence of the teachings of Moses, and he went back and he reached back into the Hebrew scriptures, to Deuteronomy and Leviticus, and Jesus said: "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind and all your strength. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself."
 
And then in Matthew's version, he added, he said: "On these two, love of God and love of neighbor, hang all the law, all the prophets, everything that Moses wrote, everything in the holy prophets, everything in the scriptures, everything that God has been trying to tell the world - love God, love your neighbors, and while you're at it, love yourself."
 
Now, someone once said that Jesus began the most revolutionary movement in all of human history. A movement grounded in the unconditional love of God for the world and a movement mandating people to live that love. And in so doing to change not only their lives but the very life of the world itself.
 
I'm talking about some power. Real power. Power to change the world. If you don't believe me, well, there were some old slaves in America's Antebellum South who explained the dynamic power of love and why it has the power to transform. They explained it this way. They sang a spiritual, even in the midst of their captivity. It's one that says "There's a balm in Gilead..." a healing balm, something that can make things right.
 
"There is a balm in Gilead to make the wounded whole.
 
"There is a balm in Gilead
 
"To heal the sin sick soul."
 
And one of the stanzas actually explains why. They said:
 
"If you cannot preach like Peter,
 
And you cannot pray like Paul,
 
You just tell the love of Jesus,
 
How he died to save us all."
 
Oh, that's the balm in Gilead! This way of love, it is the way of life. They got it. He died to save us all. He didn't die for anything he could get out of it. Jesus did not get an honorary doctorate for dying. He wasn't getting anything out of it. He gave up his life, he sacrificed his life, for the good of others, for the good of the other, for the wellbeing of the world, for us.
 
That's what love is. Love is not selfish and self-centered. Love can be sacrificial, and in so doing, becomes redemptive. And that way of unselfish, sacrificial, redemptive love changes lives, and it can change this world.
 
If you don't believe me, just stop and imagine. Think and imagine a world where love is the way.
 
Imagine our homes and families where love is the way.
 
Imagine our neighborhoods and communities where love is the way.
 
Imagine our governments and nations where love is the way.
 
Imagine business and commerce where this love is the way.
 
Imagine this tired old world where love is the way.
 
When love is the way - unselfish, sacrificial, redemptive.
 
When love is the way, then no child will go to bed hungry in this world ever again.
 
When love is the way, we will let justice roll down like a mighty stream and righteousness like an ever-flowing brook.
 
When love is the way, poverty will become history.
 
When love is the way, the earth will be a sanctuary.
 
When love is the way, we will lay down our swords and shields, down by the riverside, to study war no more.
 
When love is the way, there's plenty good room - plenty good room - for all of God's children. Because when love is the way, we actually treat each other, well... like we are actually family.
 
When love is the way, we know that God is the source of us all, and we are brothers and sisters, children of God.
 
My brothers and sisters, that's a new heaven, a new earth, a new world, a new human family.
 
And let me tell you something, old Solomon was right in the Old Testament: that's fire.
 
Pierre Teilhard de Chardin - and with this I will sit down, we gotta get y'all married - French Jesuit Pierre Teilhard de Chardin was arguably one of the great minds, great spirits of the 20th century. Jesuit, Roman Catholic priest, scientist, a scholar, a mystic.
 
In some of his writings, he said, from his scientific background as well as his theological one, in some of his writings he said - as others have - that the discovery, or invention, or harnessing of fire was one of the great scientific and technological discoveries in all of human history.
 
Fire to a great extent made human civilization possible. Fire made it possible to cook food and to provide sanitary ways of eating, which reduced the spread of disease in its time.
 
Fire made it possible to heat warm environments and thereby made human migration around the world a possibility, even into colder climates.
 
Fire made it possible... there was no Bronze Age without fire, no Iron Age without fire, no Industrial Revolution without fire. The advances of fire and technology are greatly dependent on the human ability and capacity to take fire and use it for human good.
 
Anybody get here in a car today? An automobile? Nod your heads if you did - I know there were some carriages. But those of us who came in cars, fire - controlled, harnessed fire - made that possible.
 
I know that the Bible says, and I believe it, that Jesus walked on the water. But I have to tell you, I did not walk across the Atlantic Ocean to get here.
 
Controlled fire in that plane got me here. Fire makes it possible for us to text and tweet and email and Instagram and Facebook and socially be dysfunctional with each other.
 
Fire made all of that possible, and de Chardin said fire was one of the greatest discoveries in all of human history. And he then went on to say that if humanity ever harnesses the energy of fire again, if humanity ever captures the energy of love - it will be the second time in the history of the world that we have discovered fire.
 
Dr. King was right: we must discover love - the redemptive power of love. And when we do that, we will make of this old world, a new world.
 
My brother, my sister, God love you, God bless you, and may God hold us all in those almighty hands of love.
 
 
Sunday, 20th May ~ Presented “The Tribe and the Wounded Healer” for the third time.  I had such a wonderful Logotherapy supervision meeting with my Logotherapy colleagues’ and family once again. 
 
Amazingly, 6 of the 8 people there had not seen it yet and the group was such a lovely, fun, loving special one. The discussion during the presentation was so intense, that I had to shorten the rest of the presentation by rushing through it and missing out on reading my hand notes due to time restraints. There was enough on the slides to create interesting debate without the notes.
 
I'm one who never encourages discussion, because it scares me to have to find answers... my mind instantly goes blank if people have expectations of me and then I can't answer the simplest of questions... so embarrassing!  But yesterday the group showed me how wonderful discussion could be and I survived and learned an important lesson from them all.  I was actually surprised by all that they had to share... amazing stuff!  So now I will need to work on the presentation once again, this time to shorten it to allow time for discussion.  I love the positive feedback that I received each time I presented. 
 
Lesley who hosted our meeting was amazing... she set out such a wonderful variety of snacks for us to nibble on throughout the day and had a humongous fresh salad especially for me and plain yogurt and an avocado pear.  So delicious!  It was a freezing cold day, so she had us sitting in a room where a wood fire burning which so warm and cozy.
 
What a great day spent with my like-minded LogoFamily… my safe and happy place where I felt totally accepted and loved by all who were there on the day.
 
I recently received a deposit of R300 for another successful Logotherapy dream interpretation and copy of my old Logo-Treasures book of Logo-Quotes.  So wonderful to feel I'm able to help others in some way or another... it makes me very happy.
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~ Panayiota

Friday, 6th April ~ My three dear faraway grandchildren arrived for a weekend sleepover.  I am not used to having anyone sleep over and have not had the privilege of a lot of time with these three, so I must say, it was very scary.  Once their mom had left, I realized that the middle one had a temperature of 39, so that really added to my anxiety of… Would I be able to care for them all properly… will I be able to do it all right for them… I love them so much… I wanted things to be perfect so that they would KNOW how much I love them.  I had such a great weekend with my three grandchildren.  I cried when they left… I tried not to, but it was out of my control. 
 
My son and daughter in law have separated... I had been told enough to disturb my mommy mind greatly... never quite knowing what is true and what isn’t… but there separation seems to be very amicable... there was no malice in my daughter in law's mention of my son's name when she visited and no malice in my son’s through my recent WhatsApp chats with him, so that has given me some sense of relief from my emotional turmoil. My daughter in law wondered if I would still love her... how could I not continue to love the mother of my grandchildren and the daughter I’d gotten to know over the years and how could I not continue to love my own son... I reassured her that I could not stop loving and supporting her... nor my son. I love them for different reasons... in different ways... but I still love them both very much.
 
Yes, I do fear what will be spread by the GOSSIPERS that might have also heard stories... they will only bring more pain and shame into the situation that has little to do with them!... but I have to keep trusting in Life's Plan for each and every one of us who are RIGHTFULLY involved in this situation right now and try not to think about the others and what they might be saying and spreading.
 
Life has a way of sorting everything and everyone out, regardless of the intrusion of the NEGATIVES! The ones who don't operate with pure hearts and LOVE, but rather feed on gossip taking sides for the sake of feeding and satisfying their own emotional needs. If there was more TRUE LOVE... there would be more HEALING where healing is most needed.
 
YES, I am talking from a greatly hurting heart as a result of my own personal EXPERIENCES!
 
My son and daughter in law, BOTH need genuine loving support... they need to know that they have not been forgotten... forsaken... judged... ONLY TRUE LOVE can lift any curse... 
 
THIS MOTHER'S HEART IS CRYING OUT TO THE WORLD FOR YOUR TRUE LOVE FOR THOSE I LOVE for my son, my daughter in law and my grandchildren! Not just for the story you feel most connected with... or the story that fits best with your religious values... even the Saviour so many of you worship, reached out both to the saints and the sinners with His GENUINE HEALING LOVE...
 
Why is this world so blind to what GENUINE, PURE LOVE really is!
 
I already know and feel comforted by the ones I know will bring only GENUINE LOVE into this situation... Thank you to those rare treasures of TRUE FRIENDSHIP and TRUE LOVE, with all my heart.
 
When my daughter in law changed her profile picture to her new boyfriends, I must say, it was too early for me as I’d only just heard about their separation.  It made me feel sad and uncomfortable inside, but that’s all.  When someone tried to tell me how terrible it was and immediately wanted to start an attack on my daughter in law… taking sides… my response was basically, to let them know that their reaction and judgement only served to stick a knife into THEIR situation and twist it, causing more struggle than was necessary for THEM!  That, they were handling their situation in their own way and seemed to be coping well enough… all they needed therefor was OUR LOVE to help them get through THEIR trial in the best and most meaningful way possible.
 
Dr Kanda who visited this week out of the blue, just when I needed a True Friend and Listening Ear most... Bless him!  He witnessed my deepest emotional pain (not the first time)… but this time, over hearing of the separation… and reacted with such gentleness and understanding.  What a gift of friendship he is to my life.
 
Life always sends a refuge in times of greatest need for which helps me to truly believe, that I am watched over from Above and LOVED.  I have friends in Heaven.
 
Monday 16th April ~ Friday 13th April, was one of those intense kinds of days...
 
My lovely oldest nearby granddaughter recently had a throat infection that took away her voice for two weeks, so on Friday she had to go in for a small procedure under anesthetic to look at her voice box. It seems that her throat has healed from the infection, but her voice box had forgotten how to work so now she would need to go for speech therapy to learn how to have a voice again… unbelievable… she could only whisper and we were told that it could take as much as six weeks for her voice to return… I felt so helpless and prayed so hard for her.
 
My daughter in law’s mom, also had a big op on the same day, and did very well afterwards under the circumstances… she even went home today for recovery. Her husband took such incredibly good care of her during her time of cancer treatment.  What an inspiration they both are.
 
And also on the same day, a young friend, Jess's, celebration of life funeral was held, which was so beautifully done. What stood out for me most was her beautifully united family and extended family… really very special to witness in this day and age where families seem so distant and distracted from each other. This family meet weekly, altogether with each other to sing and be together… they invited me once and it was such an enriching experience to see a house filled with singing, laughing, loving, happy family and friends. I will never forget and they will always be a huge example to me of how families should be.
 
My daughter visited my youngest son and I for lunch on Saturday and we went to her hours on Sunday for lunch, which was just what I really needed… so relaxing and “right”. 
 
Saturday, 21st April ~ My oldest son, visited me today... we had such a wonderful good few hours chat. I truly feel so honoured to be his mom... what a great spirit he truly has.  I have always… ALWAYS… believed in the goodness of his spirit. I am so grateful for all who have never stopped believing in the goodness and incredible potential of his spirit.  His visit was all the reassurance I needed that everything was going to be okay.  He is handling his own struggles with dignity and spiritual strength.
 
Monday, 23rd April ~ My youngest son started his terrible coughing again. He traveled on dust roads when he went fishing recently… I think that’s the problem. He coughs for days and days until his eyes are red and sore... his head splitting... but strangely, he doesn't cough much when he's sleeping at night. I get the feeling that after his lung operation, is it possible the dust gets stuck somewhere maybe in the 1/3 of lung he has left on one side. He doesn't cough up mucous... says his sinuses feel fine. His throat hurts, but we think from coughing so much and his lungs hurt. If he's sitting still, it's not as bad as if he's moving around or talking.  If we take him to the Drs, they dose him with antibiotics, etc... but sometimes he has to go on two bouts of antibiotics before it clears.  I wonder if he has asthma… ?  I’m thinking that’s what it is and will try treating him as if he was in future to see if that helps.  Our church leader and his wife donated a nebulizer which helped a lot..  I worry when my son gets this awful coughing thing, because it triggers memories of when he had his emergency lung operation at the age of 23... a very lonely and scary time for me.  My daughter tells me she was with me when he had his operation (a comforting revaluation)... I remember nothing much other than they said it would take 2 hours and 4 hours later I had still heard nothing... at the same time as he was in for his operation, by granddaughter (5th grandchild) was being born... talk about torn emotions when I received news of her birth while my son was still in the operating theatre.
 
Tuesday, 24th April ~ My beloved sister, Anne (sister of my 2nd husband), had a heart attack and ended up in ICU. I called all my friends to be with me in prayer for her. I love her so much. She has stood by me over all the years of my greatest struggles and has been the most faithful, loving friend I could ever have hoped for.  Thankfully, she recovered quickly and was soon able to go home.  What a relief.  I cannot even begin to imagine my life without her in it.  It’s hard enough that she lives on the other side of the world and now in her time of need, she is too far away for me to really be there for her… how I wish we lived closer to each other.
 
A MIRACLE... some really GOOD news I just had to share...
Yesterday I was cleaning out some drawers and found a SanDisk with a piece of paper in with it "27Nov16" I did not know if this thing would fit into my computer, so was delighted this morning when I found a slot and pushed it in and saw what was on it...
 
My computer crash happened at the start of June 2017... even my external hard disc was affected, so all I had left of my personal works were from before the crash, and whatever old things I could find on old flash discs and what my caring friends sent me when they heard about the crash.
 
On this little SanDisk I found all my works up till the end of November 2016... that means that in fact, all I had lost as a result of the crash, was only half a year’s work and I don't think I did much on the first half of 2017 that I hadn't saved from poetry sites that I posted my newer poems on, etc. The updating on my book was lost, but that's not the end of the world. Not finding (or being able to make) time to redo it IS!
 
46 lost poems recovered on that scandisk!!! And another really important gift of recovery was my typed-out diaries. I had started to type out old diaries/journals that I'd hand written along the way.  I have so many handwritten diaries taking up the entire top of my cupboard and two drawers. I needed to have that space back. So, decided to type out all the important history that I'd recorded in those journals and burn them afterwards. I'd already gone through a few and destroyed them, so finding that work on this SanDisk is truly a miracle gift from Life... I am so grateful!
 
WHAT A WONDERFUL BLESSING!
 
Thursday, 26th April ~ Presenting my new presentation called, “The Tribe and the Wounded Healer” went well at Unisa... some lack of confidence due to needing more preparation time, but otherwise everyone seemed to love the presentation and recommended one small change and the addition of another slide, so I was happy with their advice and made the changes.
 
My sweet granddaughter (third grandchild), still has no voice, but she can now, with speech therapy and with much effort, weakly squeak out a few words at a time… she’s getting there. What I am learning from her is how to bear one’s struggles with such dignity, even joy and resilience. She still attends her choir and drama classes and participates as if she still has a voice. She sings with her whisper and goes through all the motions of expression as if she is perfectly well… What a delight she is! Full of confident smiles and hugs and not feeling in the least bit sorry for herself. I still can’t get around the fact that laryngitis can cause such a thing as a person’s voice box to become paralysed… unbelievable! It could take weeks before she has her real voice back again, but in the meantime, she speaks in ways that are truly meaningful to my spirit and she’s only 9 years old.  Her other granny who was operated on, on the same day they looked at her voice box, is now declared cancer free… such joy!
 
Saturday, 28th April ~ wrote a blog post that I later deleted after much thought and realizing what part of my self had chosen the languaging for it… I deciding that it was not entirely appropriate, even though I have learned to honour the true voices of each part of my self, my adult self cannot allow anything on my blog that I feel might be hurt to others.
 
Sunday, 29th April ~ Marked first students Portfolio for this semester.  Soon my time will be completely taken up with marking the others, so I need to get as much done as I can before they all start arriving.
 
Monday, 30th April ~ Our church leader and his son came to mow the lawn for us, for which we were so grateful.  Since our neighbours moved out, we lost their kind help with mowing.  They were great neighbours and Daleen had become a true friend to me over the time she too went through her chemo therapy and is also cancer free today… thank Heavens.  I do miss her very much. 
 
Just before our neighbours left, our noisy little bird also stopped his incessant early morning and late afternoon joyful chirping.  I cannot even begin to tell you how much I miss that little bird.  Some doves moved into his tree outside our yard and I think that maybe they chased him away.  That little bird used to wake us in the morning and I’d always be reminded to follow his lead… to thank my Father in Heaven for the new day and request blessings upon it.  Without the little bird’s noisy reminder, I find it harder to do now and realise it’s something I need to be more aware of doing… only now, on my own. 
 
Healthwise, I have been struggling with a lot of minor aches and pains as the weather has been getting colder.  My thumbs are sore and it’s sometimes hard to hold the dishes to wash them… or if I bump the knuckle of my thumbs it really hurts… so that’s a very scary thing for me, because I see how my younger sister has suffered and how she can no longer hold a paint brush with ease… I wonder if I will soon not be able to paint either… I haven’t painted for ages, because of time constraints.  I need to find time… MAKE TIME, before it’s too late!  At times now I sleep with a thumb brace on one or other of my thumbs… whichever is hurting most at the time, and I have to pull my blankets up at night without using my thumbs, because they hurt when I do use them.    
 
Also the scaly redness around my mouth has not gone away.  I went to another pharmacy, and they also recommended vitamin B co tablets. The stress of late must be the cause.  I can’t think of anything else… my diet hasn’t changed at all!  What I also found helpful on my lips, was using the juice of an Aloe Vera plant growing in my yard.  It’s yucky to put on, but dries quickly and is not so visible when it’s dry.
 
Tuesday, 1st May ~ Today is the memory of my brother Peter’s (Petros) birthday.  (also a dear friend I once had who I will never be able to forget) I believe that my brother has been with me in spirit, ever since he passed away, which is such a comfort to me daily.
 
My 2nd son came over the long weekend, to install the new work computer for the office... he did an incredible job of matching everything up and saving everything from the old computer to the new. He even took photos of where all my desktop and task bar icons were and put them back on in the right order for me, which was wonderfully good of him... I hardly feel the difference other than maybe a little eyestrain for now due to a different screen, so I guess my eyes just need time to adjust.
 
Wednesday, 2nd May ~ The memory of my brother’s Love-Day… he passed away in his sleep during the night 2005.  That broke our hearts, because after a two-week search, we’d not been able to find him to wish him Happy Birthday for the 1st… the day before.
 
Wonderful news
But today, I received the most wonderful news!  My granddaughter's precious voice came back. Just like that, it's back after 5 weeks without it! I was overjoyed to receive the news! Her mom said that it is like her brain just remembered how to talk when she woke up in the morning.  It was wonderful to hear her sweet little voice message this morning on WhatsApp… I got tears in my eyes as I listened to it over and over again!  I was feeling so grateful and so happy I could have POPPED!!!
 
My granddaughter now had her on-stage speech to prepare for in two days... she got her voice back just in time!  The night before her voice came back, her parents let her know that she wouldn't be able to do the talk without a voice... she cried, because she had really been looking forward to doing it... when she woke this morning her voice came back while she was doing her voice exercises... everyone was so surprised and over the moon with joy!
 
Thursday, 3rd May ~ The exhaust pipe fell off of my car as I drove into the driveway of a cement seller’s plot.  There was a small ditch and a metal bar buried into the driveway that must have bumped it off.  Thank Heaven’s I had our friend and helper Shem with me on the day.  He’s so assertive… called to someone to bring wire and told me where to park the car on a steep incline close by to make a space under it… then he proceeded to climb underneath and tie my exhaust back on again… he was covered in fine brown dirt by the time he was done!  I felt so grateful for how well he took charge of the situation.  What a blessing he is.  So at least I was able to drive home.  I was disappointed in the owner of the place though!  When I went to tell him what happened, he told me to ask someone outside for wire and sent me on my way.  I actually felt hurt and violated by his indifference and lack of care.  By the time I returned to the car, Shem was already under the car with a bundle of wire he’d organized!  What a good man!
 
When we returned home with the bags of cement and sand, Shem immediately went about digging and preparing my little vegetable patch to build a small inner wall to help keep water in the beds.  My back yard is almost perfect now… as soon as we can afford some more cement and sand, Shem will do the last bits of walling to finish off.  I can’t wait for that to be done and hope it will be done before spring planting.
 
Saturday, 5th May ~ One of my dear friends… (one of the Logotherapy students I’ve grown to love over the months), came to visit.  We have a lot in common and had such a lovely visit together.  She brought me gifts of love, and among them, a whole lot of gemstones and two gemstone books… what a treasure and joy to my soul!  I have loved gemstones since I was a little girl.  She even gave me a gemstone bracelet… so pretty.  I am totally delighted with it.  I felt very uplifted and refreshed by her visit.
 
During the afternoon (I left it too late), I prepared for the presentation I was going to give the next day to the lady whose book I used for the presentation.  Her important book is advertised in a picture insert with this post.  I have not had time to read the whole book yet, but just by the parts I used for my presentation, I believe that I an highly recommend her book and I look forward to reading it all as soon as I can find time.
 
Sunday, 6th May ~ Spent the whole day out.  I traveled with my colleague Dr Kanda, to present "The Tribe and The Wounded Healer" to Lorraine and her friend. I was really nervous in case she didn't like how I'd interpreted her work, but she did like it thank goodness and so did her visitor. It was good to have Dr Kanda there for backup. I won't do presentations without LogoBackup (although I did once and it went really well.)  I’m always willing to do what I can if there is a LogoSomeone with me to answer questions, etc.  I tend to shut down if people ask me questions, and then can’t even answer the most basic questions.  It’s so embarrassing.
 
We then went to visit out dear LogoColleague, Lesley who had been very ill with pneumonia. We had a delicious lunch there and such a special afternoon together warmed in front of her fire. 
 
By the time we arrived home, I was totally wiped out but feeling happy inside. It was so good to spend the day with friends and like-minded people. Very uplifting.
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~ Panayiota​

Recently I posted a blog post and a few days later after much thought, I deleted it from the site.  Some readers have asked me to re-post it, but instead, I will post the parts that I feel would be helpful in putting together a new blog post instead about DID, because today I found another really great link on the subject which I feel is important to read in order to understand the subject even better.
 
I sometimes repeat stuff like my poems or links that I have used in other articles… my reasoning for this, is that I feel to reinforce messages that I share and also, knowing that not everyone has the time to read every blog post, so hopefully the right person will be drawn to the right post for them at the right time.
 
Previous link share:  
https://information.pods-online.org.uk/what-is-dissociative-identity-disorder-did/
 
Today’s link share:    
​https://www.instituteforcreativemindfulness.com/icm-blog-redefine-therapy/fighting-dissociation-phobia-and-coming-out-as-a-professional-with-a-dissociative-disorder-dr-jamie-marich
 
OUR BEAUTIFUL SONG
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I live in three worlds that clash and divide
With chasms and rock falls on every side
Where storms come and go leaving chaos and mud
And absolute devastation in each suffocating flood
 
A frightened little girl weeps in a broken heap
Holding her knees as she tries to sleep
The weight of her tears presses her down
And all the while, she fears she might drown
 
An angry adolescent lashes out at each threat
Bent on defeating the troubles she’s met
And all the while a screaming wind blows
Painfully returning all that she throws
 
An adult is left confused and alone
Wondering if she’ll ever find her way home
And no one can reach her, or find their way in
They can’t understand where the others have been
 
And so the war rages, inside and out
Leaving her wondering what “Life’s” all about
But deep down she knows that no matter how bad
No matter how hard, and no matter how sad
 
She does have a purpose and has to go on
For her life has been blessed by a beautiful song
She hears the tune faintly, but its meaning is clear
Her spirit is awakened in just knowing it’s there
 
She believes that one day her music will play loud
With chorusing angels atop every cloud.
So she’ll never give up... she’ll never give in
There’s coming a day when she will hear her voice sing.
 
While the little girl will remember how to laugh and play
And the adolescent will find peace at last on that day.
And all three will embrace united as one,
Joining together in their beautiful song.
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(14 October 2014)
 
Doing an exercise in a class I was attending recently, triggered a deeply sad emotional state for me.  Feeling an unsettling sense of loss at my personal place of safety, my comfort zone and my happy place… that it is all being threatened and turned upside down is ultimately draining me of my sense of peace and belonging.
 
During the exercise, my inner-adolescent, Patricia, burst to the surface so unexpectedly, filled with her emotions and her wanting her voice to be heard, writing her feelings in no uncertain terms on my piece of paper and later in the now deleted blog post. 
 
I am aware of her presence when this happens.  She brings emotions of absolute frustration due to a desperate need to protect those she loves in a situation that appears far too BIG for her (as it was where these emotions originated in her past)… there is therefore also a deep sense of hopelessness.
 
On the deleted blog post I shared (adapted):
And with that, a surge of tears, bursting inside, overflowed to the surface… Crying more on the inside than I could bear, I put my head down on the table as I sunk deeply into that fit of despair… I felt myself falling down the swirling-darkness of the rabbit hole once again… dissociating… an emotional cut-off from the intensity of my inner-world pain, and my surroundings.
 
Not knowing how to fix what I feel is being threatened and broken, I once again, take my deep pain, wrap it in cotton wool and tuck it away… to keep going on for another day… so, I deleted the blog post.
 
Patricia (my inner adolescent) is again silenced in the process, after a gentle inner-dialogue to reassure her that it is important that it be this way, because she can hurt others when she speaks her mind.  We can’t allow that… I think she understands, because she is more at peace now that she’s at least had a chance to express her feelings.  She mostly never had a voice through all the years and now that she has, I need to help her to learn how to maintain self-control for a greater good.
 
TUCKING AWAY THE FEAR, THE PAIN AND THE ANGER!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Do NOT express it!  Go on!  Go on
Hold it all in!  Quieten that sad song
Do NOT express it!  Do NOT cry out
Do NOT argue!  Do NOT shout
 
Tuck it away!  Go on!  Go on
Who can hear your mournful song
Alone you must find a way out of ‘that place’
To discover your true self!  To see your own face
 
Who can help you, or dry those tears
Alone you must conquer your own bitter fears
Find your own strength!  YOU MUST!  YOU MUST
Search your own light, for ‘IN YOU’, you must trust
 
Move forward!  Climb high! Never give in
Hold tightly God’s hand!  ‘Life’s’ between you and Him
Grasp your ‘life’s meaning’ – ‘life’s purpose’ for you
It’s all that is left!  It’s what you MUST DO
 
Try to believe ‘it’ and never let go
If it’s meant to be, then it WILL be so
When you defiantly stand for ‘YOUR GOOD AND YOUR TRUE’
Then nothing can stop ‘that course’ meant for you
 
You are unique and so is your work
So, do not abandon it and do not shirk
The world is waiting for what you can give
Sharing your purpose is the true way to ‘LIVE’
 
Keep moving forward
Life’s blessings will come
Emerge from the darkness
Enter the sun
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(Tuesday, 26 October 2010 – Thank you Teria)
 
ACTIONS FOR SURFACING AND HEALING
So, what do I do when I find myself falling down the rabbit hole.  I am aware it’s happening, but it feels out of my control.  I used to jump up and run out of the room crying… go hide myself away… totally embarrassed and feeling like a fool.  But my Logotherapy family have taught me, that I can “BE” in their presence.  I can be me, warts, tears and all.  So, I don’t run from my own emotions anymore for fear of more ridicule… I stay… allow myself to sink into that falling place for a while… no good fighting it, it’s far too intense in the moment… then I lay my head down and instead of panicking, I relax every part of my being… my mind, my body… my heart… until I’m not falling so fast anymore… the internal crying ceases… tears on the inside stop overflowing on the outside and I am able to start to resurface.
 
I gradually begin to reconnect with my surroundings again… I hear their voices… make a point of listening… catching the scattered words which at first sound mumbled but are soon identifiable again.  I stay with the voices and the words, until I can lift my head once more.  But I’m not ready yet to completely reconnect with the group… I keep myself on the surface by beginning to doodle… doodling gradually draws me back to my adult-self once more… it gives me safe-time to recover… still detached from the group, but still there with them… if that makes any sense.  Where I used to run and hide, I now trust myself and my family there enough to stay and face my own reality… my own weaker emotions and states of being.
 
Gradually I am able to reconnect with the group on level ground once more… almost as if nothing happened… participating and being with them.  I am so grateful for my healing journey and owe so much of it to my studies of Logotherapy and to those who have always believed in me and stood by me along the way… my steadfast faithful friends and family/extended family and my Logotherapy World keeps me going.
 
It is important to note, that all the above is based on my own personal perceptions… it’s about me and my spirit feeling lost at this time for some reason only my inner-self can explain… It’s about my inner children… Patricia and her over-protective, rebellious nature and Patty, in her tearful, fearful brokenness.
 
I recognise this and a quote by one of my dearest friends comes to mind…
 
"Our pain and sufferings are meant to awaken our spiritual aspirations.  Life is always asking us, “What are we meant to discover in any particular situation?”" ~ Henry Mason
 
That’s where my focus must be for now… and, to work to help LOVE this situation right.  My emotions of frustration and fear at what I perceive as “impending loss or an end”, will only add negative fuel to what is already feeling wrong in my world…
 
Only LOVE can lift the curse of any bad situation.  This is my life’s message to the world and I need to live by it also.
 
A great therapist once wrote:
 
Changing the information processing
Children who are subject to chronic abuse are forced to train focus away from language and verbal content toward non-verbal, danger related cues such as body language, tone of voice, facial expressions and so forth.  This type of processing facilitates a quick response to danger, but occurs at the expense of abstract reasoning and the use of language and ideas.  Such children are hyper vigilant and are often misdiagnosed as having Attention deficit disorder (Naparstek 2006:85) from the theses of (Wade 2009:163)
 
So, I don’t know if my perceptions are real or imagined, I only know that they ARE… I know I feel as though I am in danger of losing my wonderful extended family … another loss I already know I won’t be able to bear easily, because even the hint of such a loss is already affecting me deeply… I feel like I’m fighting (on the inside) for my life.
 
Thank you for sharing with me today.
 
~ Panayiota

This must have been the best Mother’s Day I can remember in a long-long time.  On Saturday, my daughter and son in law invited my youngest son and I to a braai at their new house.  I love it there, because it’s a place where I feel comfortable, relaxed, accepted, loved and at peace.  They have the sweetest little dog, which was recently attacked by two Alsatians while my daughter was walking her on a lead in a nearby park, but thankfully she is doing well after some expensive veterinary treatment for the holes in her one leg.  My brave daughter managed to fight the Alsatians off and rushed home with her screaming, bleeding dog tightly held in her arms.  She is still looking for the lady who was walking her dogs and allowed them to slip out of her hands when they saw the little one.  It is only right that she pays the veterinary bill.
 
Anyway, it was good to see how well the little dog is doing.  She has such a positive and exuberant nature, that not even the pain of her wounds could stop her from greeting my son and I as if we were her long-lost friends. What a sweet girl she is… we were seriously feeling the love and it was wonderful.
 
On Sunday, my son and I attended church, because three of my grandchildren said that they were going to sing for the moms and grannys… they were so excited about it, so we couldn’t let them down.  Their song was beautifully done and triggered tears for me yet again.  Seems that listening to children singing is always going to touch a very special part of my soul. 
 
My 9 year old granddaughter recently lost her voice after having laryngitis and it only returned after five weeks.  All the time she had no voice and could only whisper, she remained positive and continued to attend her choir practices and drama classes in the afternoons.  I was so inspired by her courage, confidence and positivity.  On the day I heard that her voice had returned, I was totally overjoyed!  It just came back one morning, two days before she was due to go on stage for a speech she had been chosen to do and a few days before a choir concert she and my grandson were to be a part of.  (The Winter Concert Series hosted by the Jacaranda Children’s Choir in Pretoria).  My granddaughter was able to attend both events just when we felt there was going to be no way… What a miracle of pure joy!  My daughter in law invited me to attend the choir concert with her and we had a lovely evening listening to all the different childrens’ choirs singing and seeing our own little ones up on stage. 
 
I must say that I felt so helpless when my granddaughter lost her voice… kind of afraid too, because she is our little singer and actress… such a confident child… we’d never known anyone who had lost their voice before, so it was scary.  Thankfully her speech therapy exercises and will power helped to bring her beautiful voice back.  I am so grateful.
 
At church my family gave me big hugs, and a gift of sugar free sweets and chocolates… YUM!  And my dear friend Noleen and family gave me yummy treats also.  The day before, my daughter and son in law, also spoilt me with a gift of sugar free sweets and chocolates and a pair of much needed thermal socks.  Winter is here already, so I know I’m going to absolutely love those socks as it gets colder.
 
After church, on Sunday, my youngest son and I returned home with no real plans.  I had it in my head to do more work… I always have loads of stuff to catch up on… my office work as well as my personal works, so every spare moment counts… but what a surprise greeted us when my oldest son arrived to wish me happy Mother’s Day, also with a warm hug a yummy gift in hand for us both. 

I never expected him to visit like that… a very rare and most wonderful treat… and so, my utter JOY for Mother’s Day was complete.  I could not have been happier if I tried.  After my son visited, he invited us to go see his new home… he and my dear daughter in law have separated to be divorced, and so he lives a lot closer now.  We had such a lovely afternoon with him… lunch at his house and a long walk together around the beautiful property where he stays.  We spent a good few hours together on Mother’s Day… it was a wonderful blessing for my mommy heart, and it was so good to see my son doing and coping so well… I have never stopped believing in him, and it was comforting to be reminded of exactly why.  It was such a beautiful day together.
 
On Mother’s Day, of course I also thought about my beloved Greek Stepmother who is now in Heaven and felt grateful for her incredible influence in my life.   I always think of this scripture when I think of her
 
Proverbs 31:25-31 King James Version (KJV)
25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.
30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.
 
But the more I learn about child abuse and its possible devastating lifelong effect on the adult survivor, the more I learn to accept my own mother, and I hurt for the lost and broken little girl she once was, who has lived… lost and alone… inside of her over all the years… and I imagine still does.
 
On the British Mother’s Day last month, I had not realized it was Mother’s Day there… I only found out a few days later.  But what did make me happy, was that on the actual day, I had been writing to someone and mentioned my mother in my sharing, and I was grateful that on that day, I had thought of her kindly.  That gave me a sense of peace and comfort… as though I’d somehow connected subconsciously with the heart of my mother on the day… a kind of invisible hug for her… and for me.
 
I’d written to the person: 
 
“I feel that I am in a perpetual state of mourning… my sister lives too far away… part of me still wants to laugh and play with her… part of me needs to protect her and to know she’s safe… too many losses… too much sadness… unable to save the world… never having known my mother’s love… unable to love her in her old age (because she has rejected her children)… imagining her alone and uncared for… wanting to hold her in  my arms and tell her I still love her even without her love in return… wondering when someone is going to let us know she died… not sure if I could bear that pain, yet I feel I owe her nothing at the same time for all the years of pain she has caused us… part of me will still always mourn for my mother’s love…”
 
So, I am not sitting here all miserable… but when I think of my mother, I can’t help wondering if she’s ok and wishing she was here for me to take care of her… show her, in the winter of her life, what unconditional love really feels like… I would not hold back on loving her with all my heart if I had that chance.
 
Today, 15th May 18, I wrote:
 
IS SOMEONE LOVING YOU MOM?
All Rights Reserved © www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Where are you this Mother’s Day dear Mom?
Where are you?
We wonder-with pain.
What are you doing?
Are you alone and miserable? Or,
Is there someone there to hold and love you Mom?
We hope so.
Do you think of your girls on Mother’s Day?
Do you miss us, even just a little Mom?
We miss you.
The more we’ve come to understand our own struggles
The more we’ve come to understand you Mom.
We weren’t the only ones who suffered cruel child abuse…
You suffered it also.
Now we can hear the little girl crying without end inside of you
And the angry one, probably still turning your world upside down
You didn’t know how to stop that endless crying and awful anger Mom.
So, you let it hurt us too.
But somehow, no matter what you did to us…
We still dream for your love…
An agonizing, never-ending dream.
And so dear Mom, we can’t stop longing for you…
We can’t stop loving you.
It would be so much easier if we could…
JUST STOP!
So, we continue to wonder-with pain
Where are you mom?
Did someone hold and love you this Mother’s Day?
…on our behalf…
We hurt to imagine you alone, dear Mom...
We wish you LOVE.
 
From your ever-longing, forever-loving daughters.
 
~ Panayiota (and sister).
 
Regardless of the moments where thoughts of my own mother allowed hurts to return… it was still one of the most beautiful Mother’s Days I’ve had in years.  The other one that really stands out for me, was many years ago, when my oldest son rallied the other children to help him very early one morning to organize a huge Mother’s Day breakfast for me.  When they came through with an enormous platter of Texan steak, fries, mushrooms, tomatoes, etc. I nearly fainted… hahahaha!  Of course I shared it with them all… no human being in their right mind could possibly have eaten so much on their own for breakfast!  I still laugh about that today but remember it with so much love for the joy their wonderful efforts of love gave to me that day.  They were still young, so it really was very special to my heart.  This Mother’s Day, I felt that way again.  A BIG thank you to my wonderful children.
 
One more lovely surprise on Mother’s Day made me very happy.  One of the children (now a man) who I always loved as my own child when he was small, sent me a loving Mother’s Day message.  His simple but most appreciated message: “Happy Mother’s Day my other mother (kiss smiley) wish you all the best.”
 
Sometimes I’m sad that the others don’t remember me on Mother’s Day… I had quite a few that I loved as my own… but it’s okay really… I know that they love me and I won’t forget them and the strength they gave to me over some of the most difficult years of my life whilst living with our abuser… my second husband… so remembering my “other children” and the gift they were to my life is enough for my mommy-heart.
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~ Panayiota.

Did you ever have a friend, who you really loved being around and having had as a friend.  Then one day, everything seemed to go wrong between you and your friendship was torn apart.  After that, you somehow seem to hurt each other more over time… most often, inadvertently… all because trust has been damaged on both sides. 
 
All the pain that is caused between you, is not because you are angry with each other or hate each other, but rather, because you actually still love each other and really wish it was all the same between you as it used to be.  Well… that’s what I believe from my side… I could be fooling myself completely though, but it makes me feel better to imagine it’s all about TRUE LOVE ♥
 
Did you ever have such a friend?  I have two that I can think of that I lost along the way…
 
Two that I miss terribly… Emmy is one… I feel safe to mention her name here, because I have been able to let go of the agonizing hope… because I realized that holding on was futile… the distance of our friendship became too great due to the trust-damage caused in the split… but there is still hope for the other and I to reconcile… I haven’t given up on that friendship yet.
 
The love never dies, so the pain and the hurting goes on and on endlessly.  It’s far easier to be angry and to hate and blame and find excuses to cover up one’s pain… but I can’t allow that to happen from my side.  It’s more healing to see the picture from a kinder and more loving perspective… I feel more at ease, imagining that my friend might be missing me as much as I am missing her right now.
 
How does one fix it when both have wronged the other and been hurt by the other and that's broken the trust?  How do we get past all the hurts and the negative and intrusive imaginings that are created by the lost trust and hurts?
 
I honestly don’t think that either of us meant to hurt each other at all… we didn’t… but it happened… and now we’re stuck at each end of a dark tunnel of friendship lost…

This reminds me of another picture that I identify deeply with: "Love" by Alexander Milov
I wanted to post it here, but Weebly is no longer allowing me to post images where I want them to show... so it's ended up at the end... 
 
Pride must NOT get in the way… LOVE must rule in the end… LOVE has the power to heal all wounds.
 
Everything will come right in Heaven I believe… that’s one HOPE I still really believe in and must hold onto no matter what.  I’m glad I have a Heaven to believe in ♥ I KNOW have friends in Heaven.  When I lose my true friends here, I have hope that I will find them there again some beautiful day... if we can’t find the trust and love needed again while we’re here ♥ 
 
Happy Mother’s Day to all my dear friends… even my dear and still loved lost friends… and my own Mother who is lost somewhere in this world… England we believe...
 
Mom, Sharon and I will never stop loving you no matter how far you distance yourself from us, or what horrible memories from the past still haunt us… we will still never be able to stop loving you no matter what… we have not lost the “good memories”… I remember how we used to have those moments of crazy and uncontrollable, snorting-laughter together during embarrassing moments… like in the Dr’s waiting room… rare and beautiful moments in time… I haven’t forgotten mom and I won’t.  Until we meet again someday where all the painful and ugly memories will have passed away and Sharon and I be able to embrace you… our mom… for REAL at last ♥ We will be thinking of you lovingly this Mother’s Day ♥
 
I am grateful for my Greek-stepmother who stepped in where our own mother couldn’t.  Happy Mother’s Day to you too dearest Ma in Heaven… Thank you so much ♥
 
Thank you for sharing with me today and Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms who read this.  Have a wonderful day and may it be filled with love. 

​If any moms are not feeling the LOVE tomorrow… write to me and when I’m home during the day, we can chat ♥ In the meantime, I send you my LOVE and HUGS for your Mother’s Day and hope it will make at least some difference for comfort in your heart ♥
 
~ Panayiota
 
The link is kind of unrelated, but I liked it and identified, so I’m including it.
http://mygreatminds.com/every-empath-will-try-hide-11-things/