Yesterday... Easter Sunday... the day started off alone and quiet... just another day in my life. My youngest son took the car to work, so I was pretty much stuck.
 
Then like magic, my big boy, Ben arrived with my three grandchildren for lunch, armed with a big sugar free chocolate, most of the lunch and something to drink... and also, lots of love and hugs and happy, uplifting conversation for me 💖
 
After lunch, we went to visit my dad and my little sister, brother in law and two nephews were there. We all had such a lovely time together... just like old times when I still believed in their love without question.  It was so wonderful... I felt happy and completely content 💖I even managed to communicate with my dad more easily... laughter... the most beautiful communication 💖
 
I have my family back and I am so grateful for the Miracles of True Love, that don't always come in the way we imagine (fantasies) but come in a way that is still so nourishing and uplifting for the soul… maybe more so, once the fantasies have been seen through and dealt with.
 
We stayed for hours, just chatting, laughing, sharing and I was feeling the love being with them.  What a beautiful day yesterday was for me.
 
And to think... it all started out, alone and quiet... just another day...
 
Life is always a Wonderful Miracle in Progress, no matter what and LOVE truly does conquer all.
 
Have a beautiful day 💖
 
~ Panayiota

The lovely green balloon from the roof

​Written: 13 April 2019
Follow up on the last post
A few days ago, in a fit of depression, while sticking my finger into the precious soil I have kept in a little packet, from the ground  breaking ceremony (many years ago) of a most beautiful church building, I looked up at my pictures of my Greek mother, my brother and my sister Anne (all on the other side of the veil), and pleaded with them to help me to find a way to fix our family and to bring healing, and I also kneeled and prayed to my Father in Heaven and begged him to make the seemingly impossible possible for my family and I… and that’s when my mentor reached out with her offer to help me… and help me she did… it one letter of response from her, a huge healing leap happened in me… I at least had a new way of seeing things and a possible way forward. Logotherapy is incredible… that’s all I’m saying.
 
Yesterday, my daughter took my youngest son and I to visit my dad.  I felt rather anxious about going there, but desperately wanted to see him and after my mentor’s strengthening and healing letter, I felt I could do it.  I could go there and be with my Greek family in a new way.  Not the way of desperately needing, wanting or expecting their love (on the level of my inner child, Patty’s longings), but rather in a new way of just being content that I can still have them in my life in whatever way they wish and choose to be a part of my life or to show their portion of love… I decided that, that would be far better than not having them at all. 
 
But a new way, does mean that I lose my “Little Patty” connection with them… the innocence of love she gave for so many years, and love expectation she always reached and cried out for from her Greek family. 
 
Somehow my mentor managed to authenticate and acknowledge Patty’s deep emotions on the subject in that one response of hers, to such an extent and on such a deep level, and with so much genuine understanding love, that Patty was at last able to let go of her longing need for her Greek Families love in the way “she expected” it… She was left dejected and empty (but only for a very short time while I was working through what happened when I read my mentor’s letter)… but she now feels so nurtured by my mentor’s response, that it’s okay… it’s okay… it’s okay… It’s as if she is being held in the warm arms of love (Mother Nature’s arms… Heaven’s Arms), and being told that everything is going to be alright… she is understood, and she is safe … she is completely loved and completely accepted…
 
My Beautiful Green Balloon

As we left home yesterday in my daughter’s car to go and visit my dad, we noticed on our roof, attached to a dead palm frond, a green balloon.  For me, an instant sign to Patty… EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT… Green is nature… nature is nurture… balloons are Patty’s thing… white balloons for when she dies… but this green balloon was an indication of LIFE… and of all that is still good, beautiful, right, healing and true in her life.  I trusted in this reassuring sign sent to me from somewhere, where I believe that I am truly loved… the other side of the Veil… where I am truly understood… (because there they can see the whole picture) everything is going to be alright.
 
Daddy was so happy to see me.  Jumped out of his chair and gave me a big, warm and welcoming hug and kiss.  My wonderful nephew, was there also, he was smiling when I arrived and opened the car door for me, making me feel welcomed… he also hugged me warmly… I felt safe then.  
 
While we were visiting, my nephew taught my youngest son how to play Backgammon.  Something my dad loves to do and is good at, so that even though one cannot communicate easily in words with my dad anymore because of his deafness, we can still play backgammon with him as just another form of communication.  He can still see smiles and laughter… he can still see friendly and loving eyes and he can still feel a warm and friendly presence, so there is still a way to communicate lovingly and happily with him, and that’s a beautiful thing… it’s enough.
 
My sister, sister in law and her mom all arrived while we were there… it was all good… I didn’t feel 100% comfortable which I’m sure is acceptable, considering the recent family struggle I’d experienced, but I didn’t feel hated in that moment at least, or judged.  I did withdraw a bit though and struggled to be a full part of the conversation… and it did cause an increase in my anxiety levels exponentially (panic anxiety), which stayed with me right until I finally fell asleep at bed time.  I’m okay with this reaction, because I imagine that it is normal under the circumstances.  Things have been strained between us… trust has been damages… we just need time to re-establish our relationships and find our way back to healing and trust again… even a new way… hopefully a better way… a more real way… a way that no longer includes my pain-filled, unrealistic childhood fantasies.  Anything is possible where love is present though and I love my family so much.
 
When I arrived home from my visit there, I used a broom to pull the dead palm frond off the roof of our house where it was resting, and it came down with that beautiful green balloon still attached to it with a thin purple ribbon.  I felt that there was a gently, loving symbolic message between the dead palm frond and the beautiful green balloon.  (I think I know who sent it, because of the symbolic nature of the message).  I hugged my balloon and thanked “whoever”, with the deepest of gratitude filling my heart with love for them… and feeling an abundance of love from them.  It is in my room now, next to me on my table.  When I hug it and put my cheek against it, it’s Patty hugging it… she loves balloons… she is so grateful for this lovely green one that brought with it a reassuring message of love and acceptance to her from another place somewhere out there… yet a place so close it can be felt as if it is right here.’
 
My youngest son and I spent the afternoon at my daughter’s house and just relaxed (much needed) and enjoyed a lovely chicken and salad lunch together there.  I love spending time with my daughter.
 
Unexpected garden help – another of my many daily Miracles and blessings
At the end of this post on my Facebook page, I added: P.s. I need a long ladder and help to get the dead palm fronds off of both trees please...

The very next day, as if he’d seen my post, (which he couldn’t have, because he’s not one of my FB friends), Shem arrived on his bicycle (don’t ask me how he did this… he’s magic!)… armed with a long ladder, made up of two smaller ladders, held together precariously with electrical cord.  He had seen our need on his previous visit and had arrived to come cut all the leaves off.  My son was here to help him and to steady the ladder, and together they worked on the trees… it looks so much better now.  And amazingly, our neighbour was also cutting dead branches off of his tree at the same time, so he offered to take away all our garden refuse along with is own.  Talk about Miracles… such a blessing.  Without his help, I would have needed to load my car with all of it, and it was a lot, and it would have surely left a huge dusty, leafy, bird poop, spidery mess in the car.  I’m so grateful we didn’t need to do that!  What a blessing! 
 
Just some of the uplifting and encouraging comments that I received after I shared this story on my Facebook page and some of my responses
D - I love the way you write, I am glad you had a beautiful experience with your dad
E - I love that story. What small shift in consciousness and everything changes.
Panayiota
Yes... so true, and that's why I choose to share so deeply, because if we can reach our clients and anyone who we come in contact with, in the same way, what a healing we could bring. In my case, recognising that I function from different levels, and being able to reach a particular level of affliction and help on that level alone... in other words, it's no use trying to reason with my adult self... nothing can be achieved there when it is the inner-child self that is struggling. So, to understand the level of the inner child and to have the empathy, skill and understanding to reach her... WOW! It's an incredible healing thing to experience as the person receiving that... too amazing for words!  Healing is possible where there is this kind of understanding and love for our fellow human beings.
E - Yes, our mentor has that ability to see that. To see exactly what the soul needs to hear and direct the right words to the part of us that needs that healing. At that level miracles can happen. Beautiful and thank you for sharing!! I’m inspired 💚
Panayiota
Oh yes dear E... "Miracles" is the only way to describe it and it's something so beautiful to experience.
M - Your writing draws me in! 💙 Thank you for sharing your experiences with us xx So glad you got to see your dad xx
V - How lovely to read this. So happy it all worked out. I knew it would make your dad's day too 💖
Panayiota
It sure did make his day V... made my day too :) I love you 💖
B - This is so beautiful, you have been in my thoughts and prayers
M - ♥️♥️♥️ Oh, happy happy days! 😁🤸‍♀️♥️
One of the most marvellous things that I think about when I think of our mentor is that logotherapy speaks so much to that bible scripture that says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue”. Words are so powerful, and we should all carefully consider how we use them. Encouragement should be the main goal of their use 🌸
I - So happy for you Panny! You deserve love and happiness always. Big hugs.
 
18Apr19
More Green Balloons

Here's something lovely I wanted to share all week but was ill at the start of the week and got too busy since.
 
On Sunday, I shared with you about the green balloon I saw attached to the palm frond, as I was leaving to visit my dad on Saturday. Well, on the same day I'd written about it, my Greek sister in law, Irene had read about it on my FB page, and she was surprised by what she saw outside of her yard and wrote a most beautiful WhatsApp to me about it which she has given me permission to share here.
 
Irene wrote, and added the picture above
"In our neighbourhood today... outside our fencing 💚 Please always know... you are... you have always been... you always will be... loved, welcome, be family, appreciated, never doubted, you are Greek and we are one. No need to feel uncomfortable for any reason... you are our sister. Just thought these green balloons are symbolic to your FB post about the balloon xxxx Always remember, we love you forever"
 
I was at a Logotherapy student's supervision meeting (during our tea break) when I saw Irene's msg. on my phone and smiled so big that the students wanted to know what was going on. I just told them, it was the most beautiful response to something I'd been struggling with recently. It truly is beautiful to my heart.
 
What is it about my sister-in-laws and their love?
 
Irene has always been there for everyone... she's the first to visit when a family member is in hospital... she an ardent supporter of our Family WhatsApp group... she's just always there for others and I've never doubted her love as a result.
 
I just felt it was incredible, that there were two green balloons outside her yard on the same day I wrote about my green balloon... I don't believe in coincidences and I DO believe in signs given to guide our lives. I responded to her:
 
"... there is no doubt in my heart that the green balloons are a message of love and unity for our family. So very special..."
 
And Irene responded: "... Family is everything xxxx"
 
And of course, I agreed :) 💖
 
On the very same day, this beautifully story below, about a little “cast out” bee (because she was different-faulty-not good enough for the hive), was posted by Lezzet Abbott on a Facebook Bug page that I absolutely love:  I responded to Lezzet’s post:   
 
“Oh Lezzet... how absolutely beautiful to my soul. Just through my own experience as an adult survivor of severe child abuse, I identified so deeply with this, because sometimes I feel just like the little bee rejected... and so often a nurturing and understanding hand reaches out and makes so much difference. Without such empathy and love reaching me, I would definitely not be here today. Thank you so much. May I use this on my blog and quote you please... it's just so beautiful and will illustrate so well my most recent struggle and what a life-giving difference that one person's acknowledgment, warmth and love can make. Thank you so much p.s. I cried... but because of the beautiful love in your heart that I felt reading this... 💖
 
Lezzet Abbott’s touching story below (used with permission - Thank you so much Lezzet)
 
 
Sometimes life ends before it even has the chance to begin

​I occasionally wonder to myself whether I have the nerve at all to be a hobbyist beekeeper. Today it felt like something grabbed my heart from the inside and pushed it out of my chest with the force of Thor's hammer. Sitting alongside my hive this afternoon, marveling, observing with my camera and sometimes stopping just to fully take the miracle in, I was privy to something I never thought I’d see and something I was hardly expecting to feel. Tears flowed freely down my hot cheeks as I watched the dutiful actions of an Undertaker Bee remove an underdeveloped and malformed baby who was still alive out of the hive and drop it to the ground. I was shell-shocked from a place in my being that I had difficulty making friends with which made it so tremendously hard to watch and much tougher to photograph. The photographs are not runners up in National Geographic, not even close because the moment unfolded quite unexpectedly and the closer I tried to get to the evictee and her sister initiating the marching orders, the more I felt the bees warning me to stay away as they bumped their fat little black and yellow bodies into my head.
 
I picked this little lady up after she had been unceremoniously discarded of on the cold stones by her sibling beneath the hive and my heart collapsed into an aching mess of so much owie that the salty pools caught above my bottom eyelids made it difficult to initially see why she was evicted from the hive. She was still moving her pale little body as her legs tried to reach into the air for something that wasn’t there. She only had one antenna and one shriveled up wing and was without the characteristic stripes of a striking honey bee. Milky in hue she was abandoned and left for dead because she would never be the bee she was intended to be.
 
It broke me as I watched her peddling her six tiny legs as her head and one little antenna moved in motions that had me feeling she was calling for mercy. I could not do it. I could not take her life so instead I took her photo so that others may see and feel the story of the little white bee who never got to be. I stayed with her until her legs stopped. I held her in the landscape of my warm palm and let myself feel all my pitiful human emotions and forgave myself for feeling so stupid about something that likely happens hourly, daily, monthly and annually in all bee hives. I forgave myself for feeling so sorry for a creature who I decided was unfairly treated; rejected because she was different, damaged and useless to the hive if she had been given the privilege to reach maturity. I forgave myself for knowing that it was not for me to decide what’s fair in a hive, having to trust that the daughters of Mother Nature know best, for the good of the bigger picture; there is no space in a community of honey makers for those that will slow the process down. I forgave myself for putting myself through the experience after my husband asked me several times, “Why do you punish yourself this way?” I failed to see it as punishment but rather compassion and empathy for a little life, despite how short, teaching me something far greater than most humans ever will. And then I forgave myself for having the deep sensitivity my DNA decided I needed to feel absolutely helpless as waterfalls gushed from my eyes while the little bee took her last few breaths in a rose petal I gently placed her in for those last precious moments of life that she was given.
 
I often wonder to myself whether I have the nerve at all to be a hobbyist beekeeper, but I do know that as an intensely emotional spectator to the activities of my diminutive flower angels as each day passes, I have no control over things I did not create and in these instances, even if with gushing waterworks cascading from my cheeks, even if I’m thought by most to be out of my cotton-picking mind, there are moments like these where I must learn to willingly let things be.
Lezzet Abbott
 
Thank you for sharing with me today 
 
~ Panayiota

​A painting of me as a child done by a kind house-worker, Jethro, many years ago.
 
7 April 2019
 I had really been struggling over this time as a direct result of trying to self-edit my book “again” after a long absence from it due to the computer crash of June 2017… I just couldn’t face it again after I lost all the self-editing, I’d already done on it then… and having to rehash over my past yet again was just too much!  
 
Blanking out
I was dissociating terribly… depression lack of sleep… and while I was WhatsApping my colleague on Friday 5th April, my mind went completely blank right in the middle of our WA conversation… a little stressful as we were working on some online improvements which include change, and I usually struggle with change… it scares me… I knew I was connected to my colleague as I stared blankly at the phone, but nothing else… totally gone… it took a while before I could surface and that’s when I knew that I needed to switch off the computer and just get out of here. 
 
Going out
I was blessed on the day to attend my two granddaughters’ events… one in gymnastics and the other singing… both such an uplifting gift to my heart.  I spent that time with my daughter in law and grandson also, so it was very special for me.   From there, I went with my youngest son, to look after my daughter and son in law’s house and dogs over the weekend while they went away, which took me away from my own four walls to their space which I find so relaxing and peaceful.  Even if looking after three dogs, mine included, is a little like having children to take care of, it was just good to get away from my own home for a while, and that lifted me from my slump, thankfully. 
 
While at my daughters, and in experiencing mild lonely-depression I reached out on Facebook
(I had many uplifting and supportive responses, of which I was grateful… I will add just a few here)
 
9 April 2019
MY FACEBOOK POST…
I heard only today that my dad had a bad turn yesterday... and I can't reach him anymore... and nobody... NOBODY will ever understand why?
 
I may as well say goodbye to my childhood dream of belonging to my beloved Greek family forever... it's over... I can't do this pain anymore... I would not even be able to attend his funeral if he died...
 
Who can understand but my God... and I know my dad would understand once he was on the other side and can see what is true... I know he loves me and I love him with all my heart.
 
I just wonder what he's been told... God bless him.
 
Anybody who knows me, will know that I cannot be in any space where I feel judged or unloved... I can't go where I don't feel a sense of belonging...
 
I won't answer questions or try to explain here... nobody will understand... but I am grateful to know that there are those rare and beautiful who I know would at least try... 💖
 
How I'm going to work today I just don't know... God help me please 💖
 
Some of the responses:
A.  Oh Pan feeling unwanted or misunderstood amongst those who should be offering support and love is the absolute worst. Thinking of you knowing all too well how torn one gets between wanting to be with someone while at the same time being unable to go there because the sense of rejection real/perceived is just too overwhelming.  

V.  Are you referring to your dad who goes fishing with your youngest son?
 
Panayiota
Yes, but since he lost his job, my son can't go fishing with him anymore because his off-days don't fit with my dad's fishing days, and with my son's Asperger's, he is so switched off. I ask him over and over to go visit my dad when he's off, but he's so locked into his games, he can't connect to relationship realities.... he was the same with his dog Woody who he went to training with and they were a top training team... he thrives under good supervision, invitation and a sense of belonging also... as soon as he could no longer go to training, he forgot his dog's needs... and that doesn't mean he's a bad person... he just doesn't have the emotional capacity or enough connection to relationship realities... but who can understand him also. I will keep trying to get him to visit his Papou, but I don't have the strength to fight with him or anybody... I'm just too worn out from one too many disappointments in life... there's very little left... my work and family and friends who I still believe, believe in me are all I have left to work with and live for... and my book... I have to get my book done... and other books I've written that I have longed to get published...
 
V.  I'm sorry to hear that. But your dad is an old sweetie from what I've seen you post on Fb and I'm sure he'd love to see you?
 
Panayiota
He would... and like I said... nobody could understand...
 
V.  Sorry, just a bit confused. I also don't understand but wish it could be different for you 😭
 
Panayiota
It's not your fault at all dear V... I would not stop loving you while you were still here... but it's because so few would ever understand, that I will lose more and more friends and family and they would gradually go away as has happened so often in my past... so in my mind... it's over anyway... but not you... it takes a lot for me to reach the "what's the use" place... that's where I am now with what I shared above...
 
V.  💖💖💖 I don't understand why your family are being so cold towards you, but I still love you, hang in there my friend, here for you 💖
 
Panayiota
I wouldn't say they're being cold dear friend... they just don't understand... that's all... and never had the same depth of love for me as I did for them... mine was a child's desperate longings that all came alive in a lifelong fantasy I created as a survival strategy, so it's me with the problem... not them... I need more than what they are able to give... they are just “normal” people living their lives according to their values, etc. I'm the one with the abnormality and I'm not afraid to share that... my inner child lives on and still longs and dreams for all that was lost in her childhood... I love you lots dear friend and I'm grateful for your enduring friendship here... thank you. HUGS 💖
 
V.  Aw that's so sad 😭 I think I understand, but I'm one of those who rush in where angels fear to tread so I would go visit him, no matter what anyone thinks. But I never went thru what you did as a child, that surely scars one forever and my heart aches for you 💖😘
 
Panayiota
I love you V 💖
 
V.  Love you too, Pani and hope your dad gets well soon xxx
 
Panayiota
I'm praying hard for my dad... I would give anything to be with him, but just don't know how to anymore... I definitely need prayers also... I love you... 💖
 
C.  Sorry that your Dad is not well my friend... I understand how you feel... It's not easy being the one in the family that is so different... They just do not have the capabilities to understand... The way that you feel is normal because of what you have been through... You are precious my friend... Love you ❤️🤗
 
“An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behaviour” (Frankl, 2006, p. 20). 
 
J.  I'm sorry you are experiencing this, Pan. It must be extremely painful. I had a talk with a dear friend recently about how sometimes we are left to resolve these things on our own. I know you have the wisdom and knowledge to work through it. I also know you realize not doing so would be the most damaging of all. 💖 *hug*
 
Panayiota
Bless you dearest J... and thank you. Yes, I have to work though this or I fear I might completely lose it... my very dear mentor offered to counsel with me and I think I will take her up on it, even though I can't imagine anyone understanding... I have to try find help, because this is indeed a very painful situation... I am totally alone with it for hours and hours each day, while everyone else seems to just be going on merrily with their lives with lots of company to back up and support their perspective and understanding of what's going on... and I'm seeing their reactions and responses or lack there-of, as self-righteous and unloving and that's only pushing me further and further away... I keep asking... Where is the love? ... Where is the love? ... and I'm so grateful for my Facebook refuge... be it yet another fantasy world of mine or a reality... but whatever happens, it's my friends here who have pulled me through the hardest times over so many years now. Even though I imagine, you don't/can't always understand, you are still here when I need uplifting and for that, I am so grateful 💖
 
H.  Panny... my heart is with you during this awful time. Don’t give up on that dream. We all progress in the life after this and hearts will grow in capacity; there will be true understanding; forgiveness will be sought and freely given. You carry on being pure of heart and soul and the blessings and miracles you desire will be yours one day. We will all see so much clearer then and unadulterated love will flow both ways. Meanwhile, I pray that your pain will be made bearable and that the angels will comfort you. May your beloved daddy be blessed and comforted too; may he deeply feel the love you have for him. That is a bond that nothing can break ♥️
 
Panayiota
… what beautiful words to my soul... thank you with all my heart. I do believe so much in the next life that everything will be sorted out there and there will be total unconditional love and forgiveness and togetherness forever there... it is the one TRUE HOPE I have left to hang onto in absolute faith. I love you so much! Thank you ♥️
 
H.  I fervently believe that, and it is our hope. Hope - true hope as you put it - is so powerful and imbued with promise. Love you forever ♥️
 
Panayiota
Bless you dear friend... as much as I want to be there, just believing that everything will be fixed when I get there is enough to keep me alive here, because I know I have to, no matter what... I still have so much work to do before I can go there... I love you forever and one day we will meet and embrace as true friends and soul-sisters also... maybe only when we get there, but I look forward to that day with so much love in my heart ♥️♥️♥️
 
H.  Beautifully said and I do look forward to that day, too, my friend, with much love and anticipation ♥️♥️♥️

B.  You do belong to your Greek family, Pan. No one and nothing can take that away from you. Even if it is only in spirit, you are joined to them.
 
Panayiota
That is the most beautiful thing ever... thank you dearest friend... what beautiful words. Yes, I do belong to them... I do, or why would Heaven have let them be a part of my life since I was born... it can't just be a cruel joke or fate... it has to mean something... I love you and them so much and nobody can take that away from me ever! 💖

C.  Sending warm and gentle hugs I pray you receive the comfort and answers you need ❤️  

Panayiota
I really appreciate your presence here at this time dear friend... it means a whole lot... some journeys are just too hard to travel alone, so my FB refuge is Heaven sent at times like this. I also started counselling yesterday and pray that something positive will come from that, because I feel like I'm dying inside... been awake since 2am... HUMPH! ❤️

During this time of editing my book, due to the resulting dissociation I was struggling with, I made a few slip-ups at work, by forgetting to send e-mails, etc., thinking I’d done them already or just totally forgetting that I hadn’t.  I wrote to explain to my mentor because I felt terrible when I’d ralised how my sate was interfering with my work. 
  
9 April 2019
 
My mentor responded
We are to persevere despite the hardship we are given to go through.  Persevere with the completion of editing your book and getting it published.  And go on with your wonderful work with our students despite the anguish all those memories that you captured in your book evoke in you!
 
I wrote back and mentioned an even greater struggle that was adding to it all…
 
“…I’m also facing something so sore right now added to the book struggle I was already dealing with… and I’m sure nobody could ever understand but God only, yet I know I must just keep going no matter what and I’m grateful for my work”
 
She responded
 
Do not withhold anything from me.  You know you can trust me, I want to help if I can.
 
And so, I trusted, and I shared all that had over the years, gradually led me to believe that I was never going to truly belong to my Greek family as much as I had always dreamed. I added some poems I’d written during some upsets of the past, and included as briefly as I possibly could, all that had upset me in other areas also, (not just family), since last year… where things had started to fall apart in my world and seemed to just be getting worse.  The losses and the feeling of being judged as a bad person by those who had caused the problems in the first place and managed to drag others to their side, causing even more judgment against me.  It was like a repeat of what my mother had always done to us.
 
A once off powerfully successful Logotherapy session
 
10 April 2019
 
Excerpts from the letter I wrote to my mentor (edited to protect family and past/lost friends):
“It’s hard to believe that anyone will ever fully understand, so it feels futile to try and explain and because I believed I nearly lost you the last time I saw you, I’m petrified of making things worse… I fear myself… but at the same time, I have to keep reminding myself of how far I’ve already come because of you and my Logotherapy world which I have been able to put so much trust in… my growth would have been totally impossible otherwise… I must not allow myself to forget this when my sense of worth feels shattered and I’m back in that place of nobody loves me and eating worms again!
 
The whole problem that started last year, has created a kind of downward spiral for me … the damage of trust in the other area has been devastating and has spread further, but I’m still holding on, because I know that so many others love me still… so not all is lost yet… thinking I’d lost you was huge, even though you assured me I hadn’t.  But I see over and over that you’re still there … so, it’s me I’m not trusting anymore…”
 
Poems I’d written in the past when important trust was first lost
 
FOREVER BRIGHT AND TRUE
 
When the spark goes out of a relationship and all the light departs
Hope and trust are lost as doubt fills heavy hearts
When the magic of a relationship is lost with a wave of a wand
When the love you've so relied on, fades through a broken bond
Your heart could feel quite broken, or you might fill it with bitter hate
Either way, it's pain that's hurt you and caused your downcast state
Don't let pain cause you to feel hate, its love that tears at your heart
And love alone can heal you, for of Heaven it's a part
It's important you should know that God is there with you
And the Spark of His Relationship is Forever Bright and True.
 
~ Panayiota
(7th February 1998)
 
WHEN HE MUSIC FADES
 
My heart has been hurt – so hurt
And I find now, I’m pulling away
Avoiding love and loved ones
For they might hurt me too someday
 
Who should I trust today
For I don’t have you no more
I would never have guessed you could do this
You hurt me very sore
 
It’s funny how quickly the music fades
When loyalty and trust are betrayed
I wish I never knew this pain
And in happy ignorance I’d stayed.
 
I guess it’s better now I know
Just the way you feel
But I’ll never, ever stop loving you
Though this pain is so very real.
 
Trust has gone forever
And we’ll never be quite the same
I’m sad this had to happen
Why did you have to blame.
 
If only you’d believed in me
If only you had cared
If only you had loved me too
There’s so much we could have shared.
 
 ~ Panayiota
(24th February 1998)
 
THE MISTRUST WALL
 
How strong can a Mistrust Wall be
That not even love can pull it down
I would have thought that love could pull it down
Love is strong, very strong
But just not strong enough to pull down a Mistrust Wall
STRONG AND TALL, WIDE AND STRONG
HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE WALL!
 
I put it there myself – Me
Surely, I can knock it down
But the pain in my heart is too great
Too often I’ve been let down by those I’ve loved
TOO OFTEN HURT
THE WALLS GO UP EASIER NOW
FASTER, STRONGER
Every time I see you, you who hurt
I feel the pain all over again
And another row of bricks is placed on top of
THE MISTRUST WALL.
 
How can I let this happen
And yet I can’t seem to stop it
THE DAMAGE IS DONE
The Mistrust Wall is up
FRIENDSHIPS LOST
Love will soon stop trying to knock down the wall
Love will give up in the end
And our good friendship will be lost
FOREVER!
 
But I know it’s never too late
I know there must be a way
If only I can find it
I’D KNOCK DOWN THAT DARN MISTRUST WALL!
 
I MUST FIND A WAY
I need you still
 
~ Panayiota
(4th January 1999)
 
I shared things during this session with my mentor, that I’d never shared with anyone else as far as I could remember.  Things I would not want to ever become public, and so I’ve deleted that here.
 
“…I’m not sure I’ve ever told anyone else… maybe in therapy… I don’t remember… I kept it a secret mostly for Patty’s sake (and to protect others) … Patty still hoped and longed for her daddy’s love as it was when she visited him when she was a small child.  She’s grieving right now that she feels she’s lost her connection with her Greek family and daddy… she’s really grieving badly.”
 
It was my family’s reaction to the letter I’d written after my brother sold his shop, that showed me who was actually still with me and who wasn’t.  That was the sad part… totally opposite to what I/most would have imagined if they had have heard the whole story that I had shared with my mentor and later deleted.  The one I struggled with before, showed a desire to make it right, just in the way they spoke to me on our first visit together afterwards and I believed it was going to be good between us from then on… and one that I should never have struggled with distanced them self almost completely, with only sporadic contact, proving to “my mind”, that all the years of doubting their love was true, and making it far more difficult for healing to happen, because trust broke even further.
 
“…I don’t know how to fix this… once trust is lost, I become completely separated… I (Patty) cannot see daddy because I can’t go there where I don’t feel I belong anymore… my childhood fantasy of my Greek family’s love for me is totally shattered… but most painfully of all… I’ve lost daddy (and others I really love along with him).  If they told me he died, I would not be able to go to his funeral, because it would mean being with those who I believe judges me and don’t love me… I don’t belong with them… so I won’t be able to go… and they would hate me even more… they would blame me for his death… It’s a huge loss… I have lost not only daddy… I’ve lost them all… How can you possibly understand… how can you help me this time… ?  Thank you so much for offering to be there for me…”
 
11 April 2019
I added to my letter
“…I’ve kind of lost my will to meaning along with it all… hanging onto shreds of meaning… like my book and other future projects I hope to complete before I die and our dear Logotherapy students… so what I’m trying to say, is that I’m very alone with all of this... even when I go to pick up my youngest son from work at night… we talk and laugh like good friends in the car, but the second we walk into the door and he’s connected to WiFi, he gets hooked into his games and even on his days off I am still alone for the same reason... hours and hours of being alone with my mind... and all I have to keep me going is my work and my book and my beautiful garden that helps me to stay on my special eating plan and saves us money...
 
And my dear, dear colleague who has been working tirelessly to set up my work online to make all the MANY processes that much easier and quicker for me.  He is a "constant" in my life, and a Miracle presence that keeps me connected to my Logo-World… right now, it is him that makes it possible for me to still be going… God bless him…
 
I didn’t mention this in yesterdays letter, but I have to trust that you will understand and not get cross with me like my therapist did… but I wanted to hurt myself… the urge was so overwhelming, that I started to search frantically for my tent pole… the one I used before… a short, thin solid rod… I was sure I always kept it nearby somewhere in my room, even though I was also sure I was never going to use it again.  I couldn’t find it and the search itself was helpful, because I had time to reason with myself at how I MUST NOT!  I found another way to relieve the tension buildup thankfully, but the urge still stayed… just not as desperate… I woke with the urge still at 2am, but will do everything in my power NOT to go there… What amazed me though, was that while I was searching for the rod, I actually had a stinging pain build up in my thigh, where I would have hit… I kept rubbing over it to feel the bruising that wasn’t there… as if it should have been already… I don’t understand that, but just sharing anyway…
 
Thanks so much for your time… I pray that my stuff won’t make things bad between us… please try to think of it as happening to someone else… I try to see it that way for myself, so that I can think as logically as possible about the dynamics of how the mind is working and how to help myself… it would be so good not to have to do it all on my own… My other online Logotherapist has been very helpful over the years, on and off when things have gotten really bad, but somehow I just can’t imagine her or anyone being able to fathom all of this situation… it’s just too big and so complicated… but you asked me to share and yes… I’m trusting you to at least not be angry and turn away… I worry also that I might not be able to do what you ask… like if you told me to just go visit my dad… I won’t be able to do that, because I won’t feel safe there where I don’t feel my family’s love anymore… and I really don’t want to upset you… The thought of going thee feels like DANGER to me… I’m so sorry…
 
Before I could sleep last night, I wrote on the notepad next to my bed:
 
I Have Friends in Heaven
 
I have friends in Heaven
Who truly understand
Only the rare and beautiful here
Could ever take my hand
But my friends in Heaven
They’re with me all the way
Beautiful birds and butterflies
Often come to play
To let me know
I’m not alone
Representing those
Who are already HOME
In that place
Where I know I DO belong
Sending their True Love
Through beautiful colours and song
Whenever they’re near
Gratefully, I feel reassured
Of their Loving care
 
~ Panayiota
(11 April 2019)
 
My mentor’s response
Below is the letter I received back response to my call for help e-mail… I don’t know what it was about this response, but it was like an instant awakening to my soul… that threw a spotlight onto the childish fantasy I’d been living with all my life.  It somehow almost immediately dealt with my lifetime of longing… highlighting for me, that the depth of my longing had been born out of my childhood sufferings… it was to some extent, unrealistic, because basically, “this is the real world where fantasy is not supposed to be a part”… I did not grow up with my Greek family… I only visited them on my school holidays and as a result, I saw them in a very much elevated position… I had a picture of perfection (how beautiful my childhood should/could have been) … they were everything my home life with my abusers wasn’t.  And so… I don’t now what exactly it was about this Logotherapists response to my call for help letter, but it indeed was an Awakening for my soul… and as a result, it was extremely healing… almost instantly taking away a lifetime of agonizing pain from my still-existing, longing childhood-needs and wants mind. 
 
I know that her letter was NOT intended to hurt or insult anyone who I’d mentioned in my letter to her, but only to ACKNOWLEDGE my crying out in such a way that I’d BELIEVE that at last, someone could truly hear (Patty’s) crying pain.  I was no longer (Patty, alone with it all).  Patty had been heard at last and there was a powerful and almost instant healing that took place in that moment when I read my mentor’s response below, and for this I am truly grateful.
 
FROM ME TO YOU WITH LOVE
Dearest. dearest Panayiota,
 
What a sharp and sensitive soul you have!  It is like a razor sharp sword that cuts the bone from the marrow and sets apart the truth from the lie; the reality from the deception.  And what an artist you are - how your poems so magnificently go to the poignant heart of the matter!
 
My dearest Panayiota, I do not need to help you; to give you advice.  You are sorting things out for yourself.  And what progress you have made!  It is the most difficult and most painful reality to have to come to terms with: that you were not loved, that you are not loved; that people that should have cared and should care, have failed and fail to do so.  THE FAULT IS THEIRS.  Truth, and its consolation and its healing, is with you.  So what if they did not care?  So what if they do not care now?  So what if they are miserably failing and faltering and even downright ugly people?  So what if they have no backbone of integrity?  Who will fall?  You whom they have so cruelly hurt and continue to hurt?  What will happen to you but the power of protest?  For you there is the standing up out of the dust and the declaration of your own worthiness.  It is a worthiness that you do not need them to give to you because it is a worthiness you have!  Who then will fall apart, come crashing down?  Who will be ashamed?  You, who were unable to win over their love?  You who were shamed by them?  On whom lies the blame of that shame?  On you who only wanted their love and that tried so hard to find it?  You who loved them with so much forgiveness; you, who because they refused or did not care to receive it, were brought to this point of withdrawing it?  
 
You are gathering your pearls, so cast down by their swine - their greedy self-concerned - attitudes towards you!  
 
My beloved, the time has come.  It is a time of giving up on futile efforts.  Giving up not because of bitterness or despair, but giving up out of principle.  You have drunk to the dregs the cup of suffering which they have placed in your hands, saying:  "Lie down, that we may walk over you".  The Word that is coming to you now is:  "Awake!  Awake!  Stand up, O Jerusalem! “ (read Isaiah 51, especially verses:17-23 and ponder it!)  You are to give that cup of staggering that has poisoned you with so much insecurity and feelings of worthlessness for so long, back to them.  You will drink from it no more.  Out of your downtrodden state, the defiant power of real life and love is being provoked.  To you the Song of Solomon is being sung:
 
"Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.  For lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone.  The flowers appear on the earth; the time of singing has come.  The voice of the turtle-dove is heard in our land.  The fig tree puts forth her green figs, and the vines with the tender grapes give a good smell.  Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away!"  (Song of Solomon 2:10-13).
 
How much I believe in you; how much I treasure your worthiness!
 
My response
I don’t even know if I have the words to tell you how much your response means to me… and to see my true name again written by you… somehow this time it felt like a true treasure to my soul… bless you with all my heart.
 
I can’t even explain what your words do to me… and this is not the first time… they are magical… and very sacred to my soul.  How could you know… how could you… as if God Himself speaks through you…
 
Even while I was reading, (and I don’t know if this should have been the outcome of your letter… I would not have expected it myself), but I felt it was okay to go visit my dad there… I could do it joyfully… a sense of real freedom over this whole dilemma… because all the other stuff didn’t matter anymore… how on earth did that happen just by reading your letter…? 
 
I always said that even in transference, it is a wonderful opportunity for the therapist to actually be able to use the transference to help the person to heal from the level of where the transference is coming from… I really do believe that after all my experiences…
 
And how did I come this far as a result of my Logotherapy training and the support I’ve had here on all ‘my different levels…”?  Something has to be working or it just could never have happened…
 
I have to work it all out, so that I can somehow help others in the same way you and Logotherapy have helped me. 
 
I’ve read over your letter four times… read the beautiful scripture you shared and would like to go over it again when I’m less tired (I haven’t slept yet after being awake since 2am last night, but really need to)… went to eat lunch… responded to work e-mails…
 
I couldn’t just respond to your letter straight away… I couldn’t… it is far too precious… I had to try to absorb what it had done to me… why… how…?
 
I loved going into those pages in my bible and spotted other scriptures that you and your husband had shared with me in the past.  I had previously coloured Isaiah 52:13-15; Isaiah 52:9; Isaiah 44:24 and 26; Isaiah 62:1-2; and so many more… how beautiful… I think I will go through all the ones I can find from you both over the next few days… such a blessing you are ❤ ❤
 
And still my personal favourites too:  1 Chronicles 4:9-10 (I made it my prayer and it is Miraculously coming true) REJOICE! … And of course, Corinthians 13:1… and there’s more…
 
…how on earth did I ever get so blessed… I must have done something right somewhere along the path of my life… I must be worth something in the great scheme of things… I must be, or how on earth could all this goodness and healing keep coming no matter what… no matter how bad or unworthy I have ever felt I am… the blessings and miracles just keep coming… your words are a LIGHT to my soul… thank you so much with all my heart…
 
I wanted to give up on my Greek name, Panayiota … but suddenly, today, I feel that I can truly own my own name with honour… because I have not let her down and will not… Panayiota deserves her place in this world also… ❤
 
With humble gratitude… ❤
 
Shared with me by a student during a discussion on his beautiful Logotherapy portfolio of work
https://www.unk.com/blog/4-main-cognitive-distortions/
 
13th April, I visited my dad and we were so happy to see each other.  I will write about that next.
 
Thank you for sharing with me
 
~ Panayiota

An addition to my blog post… Going home – posted 15/3/2019 

I’m still yo-yo sleeping and therefore sleep deprived most days… only 5 hours sleep the night before last…
 
I believe that my disturbing plane flight home (as discussed in the last blog post) has caused flashback (to my frightened childhood) sleeping patterns, and I can’t seem to get them under control.  I am mostly not sleeping properly anymore and depression and gout starting to threaten more often again!  Lying there wide awake at 23h30 the night before last, I eventually took ¼ sleeping pill… hypervigilant… trying to shut my eyes, but they would just snap open quickly again… expecting danger… back to Patty’s days of fearing to sleep… waiting for mother to come and rip Patty out of her bed for a vicious beating once her visitor has gone, because she had embarrassed mother in front of her visitor earlier… mother had given her “THE LOOK”… Patty KNEW she was coming…
 
How on earth am I going to fix this and get myself back to the present (better than the past) sleep patterns!  Last night I took a ¼ sleeping pill and with that and a Rescue tablet and my absolute exhaustion, I did manage to sleep well, but I still feel so tired, and if things carry on as they have been, then tonight I won’t sleep well again… I really dislike taking medication regularly… but maybe I will need it for a while until I can come back to myself again…
 
No… I cannot just leave the past behind! 
Triggers in my present are frequently bringing the past forward into my present in the form of flashbacks… the same fears, anxieties, emotions, sensations, etc. that I suffered with then in the moments that the abuse occurred… it returns without warning whenever triggered in the now…
 
There is no such thing as “letting go!” when it comes to child abuse!  The whole idea is totally absurd!
 
Like I keep trying to get across to the “let it go world”… I WISH IT WERE THAT EASY… but the past will not let go of me!  What happened when I was a child is not something that can be simply forgotten… unless it has already been blocked in childhood, at the time of the abuse, as part of the brains protective work to protect the child’s emotional/mental integrity from a trauma that was too difficult to store in a conscious way…
 
Abuse memories are NOT something that should STAY forgotten forever, because while such memories are trapped, blocked and hidden in some dark recess of the mind, they will CONTINUE TO FESTER and present in other ways, such as illness, depression, violence against others or self, or even addictive behaviors, and so much more. 
 
Through the self-work I have been doing, I am becoming more and more aware of how my own past is still playing out in my present, even at the age of 62 years… affirming to me, that to this very day, my past has not LEFT me! 
 
Loss and threats of loss
All the upset that started mid-year last year through different sources, that created losses and threats of loss in vitally important areas of my life, has continued to compound in other losses and threats of loss, to the point that the destruction caused, and even the self-destruction, is now added to continuously… it is just grown and growing… I see it all like a snowball rolling down a snowy hill, gathering more snow as it goes, becoming bigger and bigger… heading for a large rock where it’s going to eventually smash to pieces and those pieces will just disappear down into a bottomless abyss forever… and I am left with a real feeling, that not one piece will be missed… hardly anyone will notice when I’m gone. 
 
Why… because I’m still struggling with the invisibility spell from my childhood where I was often made to feel invisible by those who should have loved me… so the invisibility spell they cast on me then still keeps coming back again to haunt me and still hangs onto me in my 60’s… I seem to be stuck with it… I don’t want it… it does not feel nice at all… there is huge fear attached to feeling invisible, so it’s not something I’m holding onto because I want it… IT’S HOLDING ONTO ME! 
 
Lost family and friends
As a result of family decisions that did not include me and my feelings, I lost trust in their love… and as a result of reacting openly with my emotional pain at the time, I lost my connection with that important and much needed part of my family.  I did not only lose that part of my family, but I lost my helper… she never came back again… I lost my nephews and even my dad, because I no longer have the freedom to access to any of them… trust in love has been damaged and that has left only the NOTHING…
 
And it doesn’t end there… it just took that one icy snowball that was first thrown in May last year, to set off a whole avalanche of hopeless despair and losses in my life…
 
Shem for instance… I praised his work so publicly that many took him on for his valuable integrity of work… even close friends and family, and I was happy to share him and wait my turn … but suddenly he was completely taken away… GONE!  When I found out who was responsible for that loss… I felt betrayed… because once again, I was not included in the decision, as if my feelings and needs were not taken into consideration at all.  And don’t get me wrong for one minute… I’m very happy for Shem that he now has a steady job and his own security needs fulfilled… but… if one has the thought to go back to my childhood, where so many things and needs were so often, and so suddenly taken away from me without my being part of the decision making, by a mother who would not allow us to love anything or anybody more than her… the sense of betrayal NOW is as real today as it was back THEN… The past will NOT leave me alone!  So… more trust lost… more love lost… more friends lost… but I still grapple to hold on… because I hurt too much… because I love too much…  
 
And gradually I feel myself withdrawing further, to that dark place somewhere inside where all those dark memories are stored, because the dimming light of the world will not allow me to feel completely welcomed here, or a part of…
 
Someone else who has always written to me in a certain way and made me feel completely whole and accepted in their world, suddenly changed as a result of the ripple effects of May last year… and now they only send snippets of what once was… I realise that my mind is interpreting those snippets as somewhat like teasers, because I cannot grasp what’s real right now while my self-worth and sense of being is so shattered… and if I respond in any way emotionally… or with my true feelings, they seem to suddenly cut the conversation, and they are gone again… until “next time”… where another snipped of what once was arrives… and then I want to rejoice as I used to, but something is holding me back…
 
And I realise all too well, that much of this is due to my own changes of perception of being worthy of love… of my sense of belonging… etc… I have lost my sense of freedom to be… to belong… to be loved, etc., and so I am perceiving every situation in a way that supports and affirms my shattered sense of self-worth and being at this time…
 
What can I believe in anymore… how could I be with this person or that person ever again in reality now… freedom of expression has been taken away… I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells… if I express my pain or struggles, they will turn from me… if I express my love, they might feel threatened…
 
I don’t even trust myself anymore… what if they think I’m transferring on them when I express my love… I have been left with that haunting fear ever since the transference and counter transference happened with my therapist… I CAN NEVER ALLOW TRANSFERENCE TO HAPPEN AGAIN… but who trusts me now that they know it has happened before… If I cannot trust myself with his one, how can I expect anyone else to trust me… so it’s always weighing heavily on my mind… how much love is true love and when do the scales tip and it’s transference love… what belongs to me as an adult and what is the child’s longings and needs… AAARGH!!!!!
 
Just like when I was a child… I had to trap my own feelings… my own voice… my reactions… and as a result, I bound myself tight in the suffocating cords of SILENCE and ALONENESS… to keep myself safe from myself (my own overwhelming feelings and needs and reactions to those)… I subdued my own inner-children and their feelings and voices, so that they could not cause any more problems with their authenticity than they were already experiencing, just for being alive in the first place… for if I dared to speak or act on my feelings, mother’s wrath would descend on me like a vicious monster… I learned to be quiet and to be alone then… I feel like I’m heading back into that place… it’s safer here… (a place where there is peace without peace)… if that makes any sense… I guess it’s a case of what form of peace hurts the least…
 
I don’t know what’s real anymore… trust in the world has been so damaged over such a short space of time, that I’m left confused in the wake of it all… and very, very alone… I don’t know what trust to trust, or what love to trust, and everything becomes blurred between past and present… and the future is just becoming a black hole staring blankly at me and I into it… but I see no light in there…
 
Maybe there is no more trust to believe in… maybe that’s what I am called to LET GO of… I just don’t know anymore…
 
I do still believe in LOVE though… my love for others… nobody’s been able to take that away from me yet…
 
Since my sister (in law’s) passing the horrid airplane flight home from her funeral, I have struggled more than ever… lack of sleep has not helped… lack of what once was is not helping… lack of my sister’s regular and genuine, uplifting support is not helping… but… lack of trust in life is helping least of all…
 
Depression is haunting me… lack of sleep is getting the better of me… the urge to hurt myself is back in a big way… but I refuse to ever go there again no matter how desperate the urge…
 
Having love taken away… family, friends and helpers stripped from my life… I guess I could safely say… I’m not doing too good right now… the tiredness is overtaking me… the depression keeps surfacing… I am now pushing people away more and more… self-imposing my own loneliness, because I can’t trust anymore… and being alone is a “safe place”.
 
Abuse it is not something that any child should be expected to forgive…
So, do NOT expect an adult survivor of child abuse to forgive their abuser, unless that’s something they feel they can do for reasons unique to themselves.  There is so much I CAN forgive my mother for, because I can see more clearly now where she was coming from as she too was an adult survivor of very severe child abuse… but the suffering that still comes with the flashbacks as a result of the abuse she inflicted on me as a child… that suffering is not something I can forgive her for… I leave that to my Father in Heaven… I still have a struggling inner child inside of me and I cannot expect her to forgive her abuser… how does a small child even understand the concept of forgiveness in the same way an adult does…
 
Expecting that would be the same as raping a child and expecting them to say, “I forgive you” at the same time! 
 
The inner child’s memory of the very moments of her rape and/or abuse (whether conscious still, or blocked at the time of the trauma) can still be triggered to the surface years after the actual trauma occurred… as if it is happening all over again… triggers at any time in her life after the incident, can bring those terrifying and painful flashback-memories to the surface in an instant, no matter how old her adult self has become…
 
The inner child becomes STUCK from the moment of her abuse trauma… and without HELP from her adult self and the world around, to face what happened… to understand that she is NOT to blame, to feel completely loved and accepted, etc., she has no hope of finding her healing… because what she missed out on THEN, is exactly what she is still needing for her healing NOW! 
 

When (A) posted the picture above on Facebook recently, I responded
 
Panayiota:  In cases of child abuse, it is not possible to leave the past behind... it clings and continues to cause problems throughout life... one needs to learn about their past and how it is affecting them and others, so that they have a REAL reason for all the nightmares, and something to work with toward their healing... it takes courage and hard work, but it's worth it.
 
(A) Is one never able to find release from the abuse, to leave it behind, to grow, to adapt, to become renewed? I believe that it is the person holding onto their past, just like in this image, and at some point in time, either by forgiveness or acceptance, it should be put down. 

Panayiota: Severe child abuse can create complications that cannot just be ignored and pushed aside, such as Dissociative Identity Disorder... DID... (operating on different levels that can be triggered by current events that bring back the past in the form of flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, nightmares, etc.)  No child should ever be expected to forgive their abuser or rapist (that's God's work)... the inner child lives on with the same struggles that existed in their past and at the same age as they were then when the abuse occurred, with the same needs for protection, rescuing, nurturing, safe love, etc.) Learning how to comfort and reparent the inner child and how to love and accept one's self again... how to deal with and stop the intrusive thoughts and nightmares... how to take responsibility for one's behaviours, reactions to triggers, etc. and how these behaviours, reactions, etc. are affecting one’s life and relationships in the here and now, is the only way to find healing. One cannot learn any of these things if one does not have an idea of where their struggles are stemming from and why... Facing the past is the only way to help the inner child of abuse and to integrate the broken parts into healing and wholeness.  Anyway, there's a lot more to it… most people won't understand unless they had experienced it themselves... and that is why the journey to healing is such a lonely one filled with obstacles. It is the unrealistic expectations and lack of understanding, acceptance, forgiveness and genuine love from the outside world and all the judgement and labeling excuses that keeps the inner child stuck inside their adult self and makes the journey to healing for the adult survivor of child abuse that much harder and even impossible in many cases. This is why the journey is a life-long one.
 
(A) That's heartbreaking, being trapped like that. 😢 

Panayiota: And of course, one can grow and adapt and become renewed... it takes very hard and continuous self-work and it really helps when the world works with you with compassion and love. Only love (connection)... self-love and love from the world outside, is able to help lift the curse of child abuse. Many child abuse victims who have been properly loved and nurtured during their recovery, grow up with very few symptoms and live really good lives... 
 
It is heartbreaking, and that's why I am doing the work I am doing, totally exposing my every weakness and struggle on my blog, and how hard I have to work to help myself to see what's happening... how it's affecting my life and relationships, etc.... and what steps I am taking to do something about it... Logotherapy has given me the courage to do this.  I was totally trapped and broken for most of my life, until Logotherapy found me in my 50's... I've had to work very hard since then... still working very hard... but I've come so far over the last 12 years and know there has to be more and I'm working my butt off in the hopes of that MORE... so the work has to go on and I pray, that no matter how many people turn their backs on me in the process, because they don’t understand, or are embarrassed about how open and honest I am about my day to day struggles... I just pray that for those who understand and do identify, I can help to bring healing through my experiences in one way or another.  
 
I refuse to give up, even if I end this journey entirely alone and hated still by those who should have loved me! I believe that this is the true purpose of my life, and my voice is for those who know how THIS feels!
 
(A) You would never end up entirely alone and hated, because there is love and compassion and understanding.  And most of all there are so many who knows what THIS feels like. 

Panayiota: Thank you dearest (A)... bless you.
 
 
To end this blog post…
Just to make this very clear... I do not hate the people who hurt my life, or live with any bitterness towards any of them.  But I DO still have uncomfortable, frightening, painful, etc. flashbacks and negative reactions that are directly related to the inner child's sufferings which IS messing with my present life and relationships, and as a result, I believe very STRONGLY, that a child (adult survivor of child abuse) should NOT be asked to forgive their abuser.
 
Even my inner children are not sitting there with hate and bitterness towards their abusers... but each inner child is still struggling with their brokenness and deep emotional pain... still LONGING for the love they were never given... feeling invisible... still STRUGGLING because of the abuse they experienced...
 
All of that has nothing to do with any need to forgive... it has to do with the continuation of very real and deep struggles as a result of the child abuse that WAS inflicted on the child...
 
I am at peace with my mother (because I understand so much of her struggles now and many of the “Whys?”… but that still does not excuse what she did to us, her children and the lifelong struggles we’ve had as a result) ... and I am at peace as far as my stepfather goes, (because he's in God's Hands and/or Karma which I strongly believe in)...
 
My deepest pain will always be in my agonizing longings for my mother’s love which never was, and my never-ending longing for my own father to rescue me from my struggles…
 
And yes… those two deep needs are more than likely where all my other struggles are stemming from if looked at carefully and taken into consideration, so I gather, that there will always be some degree of transference involved in every struggle I encounter and every need that I reach out to satisfy…  
 
Conclusion
My adult self has no need to forgive anyone... my inner children will NEVER be expected to, or asked to forgive their abusers... that's not even a question that needs to be asked of them... so it is NOTHING to be discussed! 
 
So, that's where I'm coming from... From the angle of a severely child-abused child who is still struggling for her survival needs today...
 
My mother even tried to abort me before I was born, and it was shown in therapy that I still have a deep subconscious memory of that trauma... of feeling unwanted before I even came into this world...
 
If any forgiving is needed for my inner child’s abusers, that’s my Father in Heaven’s work… and I completely trust that He knows the full stories of my abusers and will be able to weigh their stories accurately in order to make His decision on their status for forgiveness… and I trust that I will fully accept HIS judgement in the matter… for I truly believe, that forgiving my abusers, is HIS WORK and I truly believe in HIS WORK in my life and in each of our lives.
 
My work is to NOT HATE… for if I were to hate, then I would be no better than THEM.
 
Thank you for sharing with me today
 
~ Panayiota

​There’s no particular reason why I posted Hiraeth here, other than I identified with the meaning of the word when I saw it for the first time recently… I felt a connection to it. 
 
The flight home
The memory of flying home on the plane is mostly a horrible nightmare for me, but there was one beautiful blessing that held me together on the trip.  The same lovely air flight attendant, Sandy, who had been so kind to me on the way to Utah, was on the flight going home as well.  She was so happy to see me, just as I was so happy to see her, and she told me that she was on a flight she never takes, so it was truly a blessing to meet up with her again. 
 
I do believe in Tender Mercies and blessings from Heaven… we are not alone.  If this is the only message that I am ever able to pass onto my readers, so that you can also be more aware of the blessings that do come to you from Life, in each and every situation, good or bad, then I will be happy about that, because it is the one TRUTH that I hold onto that keeps me together each and every day.
 
I don’t think I mentioned in my first post, re: my sister’s funeral, that because Sandy had been so kind to me on that flight there, I wrote her a letter to thank her and gave it to her just before we landed, because I wasn’t sure I’d see her again in the rush, on the way out of the plane.  She came to me after reading it and expressed such gratitude, telling me that she was about to retire very soon and that my letter meant so much to her.  I think in some way, we forged a lifelong connection in our hearts then… even a spiritual connection… even if we never saw each other again… for me, her kind presence on that plane was a bit like, I’d imagine… being touched by an angel. 

So, there she was again, on the flight home… I honestly believe that I live a “charmed life”… that no matter what hardships I go through, Life always sends a Miracle blessing in one way or another, just to remind me, that I am being watched over.  
 
Sandy told the young couple sitting next to me, that I was a very special passenger who she’d met on a previous flight, and that they should treat me well… They laughed and promised to do so.  I felt safe sitting next to those strangers after that…
 
After all the on-flight routine with meals and drinks service, etc. it was way past my bedtime… and when I am overtired, I can’t fall sleep easily.  I struggled so badly to fall asleep, that in the end my legs became extremely uncomfortable with the fidgets (restless leg syndrome)!  It felt like they were on fire or like jolts of electricity was passing through them!  I was so terribly uncomfortable that I didn’t know what to do with myself.  I kept jerking my legs with the terrible feeling that seemed to send my muscles into spasms.  I’m sure it must have been disturbing to the lady trying to sleep next to me.  In the end, after a long struggle, the ¼ sleeping pill I’d taken earlier to sleep must have finally worked and I fell asleep.
 
I vaguely remember during the night, someone tapping me hard on my shoulder…
 
Was I dreaming and they were trying to stop me?  Shouting out, maybe… ?  I felt terrible, thinking that I must have disturbed the other passengers sleep…
 
When we were woken in the morning, I had barely had much sleep at all, and I felt so groggy, shaky and just horrible all over!  I noticed that the lady and her husband had swapped places and neither of them were as friendly as the night before.
 
I felt terrible… it was the worst feeling, not knowing what I’d done that must surely have disturbed those people during the night and how much I’d disturbed others also.  (age old feelings surfaced… feelings of being a failure… a BAD girl… not fit to be in this world) … I felt so ashamed… guilty… and just horrible.  Those feelings haunted me… I felt very uncomfortable on the plane from then on… like I did not belong, and everyone must have been angry with me… I was once again, not feeling the acceptance and love of being in this world… I WAS NOT FEELING SAFE OR WELCOME THERE… I felt like my fearful and sad inner child, Patty, had taken my place sitting there… she was all alone, surrounded by people who didn’t care about her or want her there…
 
Except for beautiful Sandy… Sandy still smiled so kindly at me every time she passed… her words were kind… I wished she could stay so I didn’t have to feel so judged and alone there in my seat.  I was very glad to get off that plane and away from that place.
 
It was so good to see a familiar face when my second son came forward, even before I came through the doors where the people were waiting for the passengers arrivals.  He must have seen me through the window pains and was already there to receive me when I was pushed through the doors.  I can’t tell you how much a loving gesture like that means to me, his being there before I had a chance to wonder if he would be, was a TRUE HUG from Life, in a moment of my real need for REASSURANCE… I was loved and not alone in the world… my son was there…
 
On the way home from the airport, I noticed a beautiful sky as the sun was setting.  I held onto that lovely sight for a sense of comfort… of coming home… of belonging to something far greater that was still waiting for me, needing whatever it was that I still had to give to this world, for whatever reason… somewhere… out there.

​I first thought, Angel wings, and then I saw a beautiful eagle in flight… but looking at the picture today… I see a greater white eagle riding on the back of, or flying above the beautiful orange sunset eagle ♥
 
Our bathroom
It was so good to be home again… but, as I walked into my bathroom, the bathroom cabinet came crashing down onto the floors.  The tiles behind it had loosened as had happened in three areas of the bathroom before that… they just dropped off.  Whoever did the job of tiling the bathroom before we moved in here, did a slapdash job… lacking integrity!  I was so lucky not to get hurt as some bits of broken tiles flew and hit me.  I was so tired, it didn’t even really sink in until the next day.  My immediate thought was that my Anne did that… was she angry with me I thought through my extreme tiredness and with Patty’s mindset still more surfaced due to the difficulty of my plane flight.
 
(I only started writing this blog post yesterday afternoon, and before I went to bed, a gout threat had started in the center top of my left foot and also the back of my right foot.  It seems to me that my acute gout attacks have always been triggered by certain stressors… writing about my plane trip home I think was a deep and traumatic memory I didn’t need… that flight was really not a good experience for me on so many levels, but especially on Patty’s level… Sandy was the beautiful LIGHT in the darkness, that got me through it in one piece)
 
The next day, when I had more time to think about it, I realised how dangerous that bathroom was with the tiles being so loose on the walls.  As I lay in my bath in the morning, I actually felt fearful, that the remaining tiles on the wall behind me, where tiles had fallen before, would fall on my head.  The thought came to me then, that my Anne must have caused that cabinet to come crashing down as I walked into the bathroom the night before, because she could see the danger and our need to get that bathroom done and the falling cabinet was her love… not her anger.
 
The tiles were bulging loose in some areas… only being held onto the wall, but the grout between each tile, holding them together.  I knew that I needed to ask Shem for help to take all the tiles off the walls for once and for all.
 
The bathroom mirror, above the basin was also dangerous.  It was made up of four small mirrors glued onto the tiles.  The one mirror was leaning forward as if it had come unstuck on one corner… when Shem took it in his hands, it came off without any effort… it could have dropped at any time and my grandchildren could have been in danger if it happened when they were here… I was horrified at the thought!  I truly believe that my Anne caused the cabinet to drop, so that we could be award of the dangers in order to make our bathroom safe for us all.  Thankfully Shem has now stripped all the tiles off and we are hoping to get the bathroom done soon.

When we moved into this house, there were no tiles or plaster on the upper part of the one wall next to the bath, other than just two rows of tiles just above the bath.  The brickwork above those tiles was so badly cemented together, that when we used the hand-held hose spray to rinse our hair, the water would run straight through the wall into our kitchen, so shortly after we moved here, we had to have our handyman come in to waterproof and plaster over that brickwork.  Now that the two rows of tiles have been removed above the bath, one can almost see behind the big chunks of concrete, how badly the bricks were plastered together.  Real shoddy work!  Now that the tiles have been removed, we will once again have to be very careful not to let the water run onto the bricks, to protect our kitchen.
 
(To see the video of Shem removing the tiles, to see how loose they were, you can go to Patty’s Keys Facebook page… I will post it after posting this and it will only be near the top of the page for a few days until I post other items that will push it down.)

Our fridge 
At around the same time, it looks like our fridge has developed a problem again.  Water is collecting in one of the drawers and it was making a weird noise.  I’m praying it will keep going and whatever the problem is, it will sort itself out soon.  We switched the fridge off for a day to melt any internal ice and we turned its temperature up two degrees when we switched it back on.  There is still water accumulating in one of the drawers but at least the weird noise has stopped for now…
 
For days after I arrived home, I suffered from jet lag, and extreme depression, fatigue and anxiety.  I felt so dreadful, that I swore I’d never go on an air flight again for as long as I live, other than if I was able to afford business class so that I could at least sleep comfortably on the plane, and not be too close to strangers which I find disturbing when trying to sleep.  The only other places that would ever tempt me to fly again, would be to go to Israel with my sister… it’s been on her bucket-list for years to go there and take me with… and hopefully our littlest sister would come too.  It would be wonderful for us to really be together as three sisters in a real sisterly-way, for the first time in EVER!  My two younger sisters would probably want to spend more time on a Christian tour there, but I’d want to spend time with my Israeli friends who I’d met there in 2012 and hopefully to be able to do my new presentations there again… it was such a wonderful experience for me last time I visited there, that I wouldn’t mind experiencing that joy again… just one more time.  I never felt more accepted anywhere in all my life and have had a sense of mourning loss, ever since I left Israel, because I feel as if I left a part of my soul behind there.  I think it is the one place in all the world, where I experienced a true sense of real belonging for the first time in my life, and my mountain top experience (Samuel’s Mountain), changed my life forever.
 
The other place I might agree to fly to, would be to the Logotherapy World Congress, and to have my sister there with me again.  I’d love to present my new works there (my unique and personal Life Task is what gives my life it’s true meaning).  Presenting at the 19th World Congress of Logotherapy in 2013, was an incredible time and experience for me, where I was doing something I never thought I’d ever be able or good enough to do… something that helped me to realise my true potential and true belonging… an experience that I would love to live over again, if it were ever possible. 
 
In future, I might fly locally here in South Africa, but never again on a long trip for a holiday somewhere (not after the flight experience, I just had and the dreadful jetlag, etc. that I experienced for days after).  If I ever did fly to Dallas though, which is pretty close to my family and friends in Utah, I’d agree to a quick detour from Dallas just to see them all again.  Of course, I’d need to be rich and famous to ever visit Israel or Dallas again… the last two times were sponsored and therefore they were true gifts from Life to me.  Both Israel and Dallas were places where I felt I’d come home to, if that makes any sense.  I started studying Logotherapy on the 24th February 2010 and it has changed my life exponentially for the better since then… Logotherapy is my place of belonging… it has been HOME for me.
 
Anyway, for days after my trip back from Utah, I struggled with depression and although the depression has mostly lifted, I am still in another place right now… struggling to sleep most nights… 5-6 hours, with a good night every so often if I take ¼ sleeping pill, which I don’t like to make a habit of.  I’m just so tired… always… always tired… the chronic fatigue syndrome I discussed in a previous blog post perhaps… must be.  I just want to curl up on my bed and sleep the days away, but I know I can’t…
 
I must keep pressing forward… Carpe Diem!
 
What was very special about the first few days after I arrived home, was that the weather was rather nippy.  When I left for Utah, I left a very hot and humid Gauteng… when I stayed in Utah, I experienced freezing snowy weather… so arriving back to cool weather was really very nice indeed.  From the first day back, I was able to wear the dresses that Brie had given me.  They were my sister’s dresses… brand new, still with their tags on… and only one she’d worn to church once and there were other items of clothing included which are going to be so helpful and were much needed.  The dresses were mostly long-sleeved, warmer material clothing that would be great for winter.  I think there was a blessing in the fact that I could try them out immediately that first few days home, before the weather became too hot again.  I felt my sister’s hug was still with me as I wore each of her lovely dresses, and I believe that was healing for me.   
 
I also came home to a garden full of lovely veggies needing picking.

​1st – 3rd March ~ My son and I went puppy/house sitting for my daughter and son in law, so that they could enjoy their anniversary weekend together.  My son was working that weekend, so I had a lovely quiet and serene weekend to catch up on some blogging.  I could do the same thing at home but being alone at someone else’s house always feels like a holiday to me… it was so quiet and peaceful there.  I took Mrs Poppy Peanut with and she just slept by me most of the time… enjoying the presence of my daughter’s big dogs, but not letting them get too close.  I also went to our Logotherapy supervision group meeting on the 3rd which I really enjoyed very much.  I took Poppy with then also and she was so well behaved… just slept on her little bed next to me the whole way through.
 
The beautiful eagle ~ my Anne
On the 5th March, something really amazing happened.  I’d just driven home from dropping my son off at work early in the morning.  As I was closing my security gate, I looked up just in time to see a large eagle landing on the light pole across the road from our house.  I was absolutely intrigued and in awe.  One would never usually see an eagle in the town areas, so seeing this one with its’ beautiful wings outstretched as it landed gracefully, and facing me as if looking at me… I just knew that it was my sister letting me know that she is watching over me.  I remembered the beautiful sun-setting sky on the afternoon I’d arrived home from Utah and connected it immediately with the sunrise-eagle now looking at me from the top of the light pole.  I was overjoyed… ran for my phone to take a photo, but the eagle was gone by the time I returned.  I now wish I’d not run for the phone… a reminder to me, to just enjoy the beautiful moments in time more.  I would have loved to have seen the eagle fly away… but maybe I was not supposed to… maybe I was meant to be left with the memory of it landing there and looking at me.  When I told my niece, Bri about it, she agreed with me… that was just the sort of amazingly reassuring thing my Anne would have done to let me know she’s still with me… to make sure that I KNEW for sure.  I feel a sense of overwhelming gratitude whenever I think about that beautiful eagle.  I remember it as a very dark brown…

Noticing the signs
The day after I saw it, I thought to myself… could it have been a hawk?  I don’t know the difference between an eagle or a hawk… I thought hawks were a lot smaller than the beautiful big bird I saw on the top of the pole.  It did worry me though and a few days later, on the 11th March, I decided to look up on the Internet, to see if I could learn a bit about the difference and maybe identify the bird I saw.  As I landed on the page of images, I saw a picture of exactly what I believe I had seen… and it was an eagle… and as I saw it, and in that moment, I glanced down at the time on my computer… 11:11 on the 11th of March… that was all the confirmation I needed… 11:11 being known as the awakening code and a number that I’ve seen often connected to special events and beautiful moments like that, (and I’m not the only one).  So, I just KNEW… my sister IS with me… she has not left me.  I believe she will be praying on my behalf and thus helping me through my life… yet another guardian angel to watch over me… and I feel so blessed to know that she is not far away now that she’s crossed over the veil.

Caring neighbours
On the same day, our neighbours, the ones I was afraid of when they first moved in, mowed our outside lawn and our other neighbours lawn next door to us also… we share our outside lawn.  I’d already asked Shem to come help with that, but they had already done it… That was so unexpected and kind of them.  The day before, I wanted to give them a bottle of pickled cucumbers, but could not see them, so I left it in front of their garage door… they must have taken it and decided to bless us also… and indeed it was a lovely blessing.  We are getting along just fine now and still gifting each other whenever we can… We take vegetables over when I have excess, and they often open the gate for me when I arrive home and they happen to be outside at the time… I love living in peace, harmony and friendship with my neighbours, so I’m much happier now… gratefully.
 
I need sleep!
I have been seriously lacking sleep since I arrived home from the USA… averaging 5-6 hours a night.  I pray it will all come right soon, because I cannot function properly on so little sleep.  Every few days I take ¼ sleeping pill, just to try and get in a good sleep.  I think that the horror of the plane trip home from the USA is what’s still affecting me… it’s a bit like I was living a nightmare on that plane that I’m still trying to wake up from… only I’m already awake and not getting any sleep… I have to get my sleep mojo back soon… I can’t go on like this.

Memories...?
On Saturday 7th March, Brie sent me photos of my time with her and my family in Utah, for me to add to my blog posts.  I have a memory that is constantly eluding me since my childhood… when I saw the photos, I realised that had not remembered being bowling with them... how is it possible that one can be so forgetful I wonder?  Even the photo of the beautiful chapel in the previous blog post… I remembered taking the photo, but not a thing about why we went there or what it looked like inside…
 
Was I tired or hurting or what when I was there… why did I forget that and the bowling night… WHY?
 
It's always been that way. I learned to block traumatic memories as a child and I'm still doing it to this day, but with my normal every day memories... even happy ones!  I just can't fathom it!  My memory seems to be very selective!  It makes even my office work extremely hard and exhausting, and lots of extra work needs to be put in just to remember what I did in the morning even!  I have to keep records of everything, just to stay on track… sometimes I look at the records, and still can’t seem to connect the dots… it’s awful and can prove very embarrassing for me also!
 
9March19 on FB ~ we're never alone
My sister and I were talking about this in the morning and later that day this picture popped up on Facebook, so I just felt to share it here, because I absolutely believe and know this is true and that's what keeps me going no matter what.

​14th March ~ Logotherapy dream interpretation
Around the end of February, a dear past logotherapy student of mine wrote about a dream she had had a while back and I helped her do a dream interpretation on it around the start of this month.  Today she called me to tell me how much the dream interpretation meant to her and it had confirmed her own ideas on it… in other words, she received a resounding YES to a question she had asked herself and prayed about some time before.  This student’s affirmation of me as one of the people who had helped her on her own lifechanging journey, was so beautiful to my heart.  I was grateful and uplifted by her call.  I am also very grateful for the gift of being able to help people with finding out the meaning messages in their dreams… it’s such a blessing to my life…
 
In some magical way, while I am able to help others, I am healing myself… it’s a beautiful thing.
 
15th March ~ The STUFF of life just becomes too much sometimes! I learned last night, that now someone has taken Shem on full time… I’m happy for Shem, but losing his trusty help is going to be a big blow, not only to myself, but others who had benefited greatly from his hard working and willing work ethic.  He says that he has a permanent job now, Monday to Saturday, so I now have no garden helper anymore and I was really needing him right now to help me get my winter garden ready!  He has been such a blessing to us.  
 
My house helper stopped coming, because I openly expressed my pain when my son’s job was threatened suddenly and so more loss and complications set in as a result, including the dynamics of my most cherished relationships changing literally overnight.  Since then, I was already not coping without help with my home, but now without garden help also, that's going to just be too much. I'll be very lucky if I can get my youngest son to help me with the garden on his days off... his gaming is far more important to him!
 
I envisage my weekends are going to be totally taken up with house cleaning and gardening from now on, just to try and keep up and as always… catch up!  I have to keep the garden planted, because without it, I will struggle even more to keep up with my special diet!  Right now, every spare moment from work or writing is spent cleaning and/or totally wiped out... I'm not getting much sleep anymore since the plane flight home... I'm never flying again if I can help it... not unless, as mentioned before, it's to Israel or Dallas Texas to present my work... I feel like my creative side and sense of freedom from burdens is systematically being totally stripped from me as new burdens keep piling on... what is Life calling me to do... what is the meaning of it all… NO FLIPPING CLUE!!!  Someone suggested that I have to change my job and get a weekday only job… the kind of 9-5 one… but NO WAYS!!!  I will never give up on my Logotherapy world after all the blessing it has been to me… I’d rather die serving here than have the blessing of extra time elsewhere.  I’m here until I just can’t anymore!

A struggling day today
I woke depressed and teary this morning after only 5 hours sleep last night.  I started the day washing dishes… spent most of the morning detached and trying to stay connected in front of this quiet computer, in case some work comes in… I struggle to stay connected when work is so quiet, even though I have so much to do!  Man… that’s such a spanner in the works for me!!!! 
 
I looked at my garden early this morning… it’s all end of summer chaos… it needs cleaning desperately… will my youngest son help me this weekend when he’s off duty, or will he be just lounging around playing games again?  I live in a house with another human being… yet I often feel totally alone here, even when he’s home.  
 
I still have a gout threat in both feet, although a bit better today, I wonder if I will be able to do the garden this weekend while they are still sore… it has to be done this weekend… I need to get the chaos under control in order to help my own chaotic mindset a bit… AARGH!  Feeling quite frustrated and tearful as I end off this post today…
 
Tomorrow’s another day… gardening is always healing for me, so there is hope of a better day with a few smiles thrown in… tomorrow afternoon I will attend a woman’s meeting at church… something fun and special… I’m looking forward to that!  It’s always good to have something to look forward to.
 
Thank you for sharing with me
 
~ Panayiota

​My beautiful niece Brie, and her sweet little dog, Lucy.
 
The day after My Anne’s funeral, on Saturday, 2nd March, my sister’s brother in law, David, invited us all to the Olive Garden restaurant… Anne’s favourite place to go and eat.  Her mother was Italian, so she must have felt very connected to this restaurant, just as I had always felt very “connected-belonging” when going to Greek restaurants or spending time with my Greek family.  Anne had taken us to the Olive Garden restaurant in 2013 when my other far away sister, Shev (Sharon) and I visited, so it was very special to have the opportunity to go there again while I was visiting this time.  The food was delicious and company were lovey.  Three of Anne’s sons and two daughters in laws, and a whole lot of grandchildren included.  We had a very enjoyable time and the service and food there was great and very generous, just as I remembered it from our visit before.  I recommend it to anyone visiting Utah.  A big thanks to David for that wonderful time out with him and our family… that will always be a good memory for me.  

​Take note of the dregs of beautiful snow still lying around from a previous snowfall.  Besides that, the sky was mostly blue and the weather comfortably crisp and lovely for a few days after I arrived.
 
Whilst at my niece, Brie’s house in Utah, I enjoyed getting to know her and my two adult nephew’s, John and Rich, a whole lot better, as well as Brie and Rich’s four children, (my great-niece and three great-nephews).  I spent a lot of time with my great-niece, sewing with her.  She made me a little felt heart that I love. I use it now that I’m home on my computer chair, tucked behind my lower back and it’s helping a lot with the stiffness I get in that area quite a bit these days… I imagine, from sitting for long hours each day.  

​The older of the great nephews, I also loved getting to know, especially as I remember how much my sister loved him from the moment he was born… she used to write a lot about him and his gentle loving nature, and all that he got up to, and she also wrote a lot about her other older grandson’s whom she sadly, as far as I know, had not had a chance to see for a while when she passed away.  My other two little great-nephews were very sweet and won my heart…
 
As much as I absolutely LOVE small children, I’m not very good with wining, or crying children, because it does trigger real fear and anxiety in me from my childhood (long story… and I worked hard to make sure my own children never had reason to wine or cry, or even argue or fight… for the sake of my own sanity… which I now believe, was probably not ideal for their own emotional growth)… but thankfully, I did have an escape at Brie’s house when I needed it… to my sister’s room where I stayed while I was there, so it wasn’t too difficult for me. 
 
I loved being in my sister’s room during my stay.  I felt warm and comfortable there… I felt safe and hugged in her water bed.  I don’t think I’ll ever want a water bed though… it’s not easy to get in and out of at all!
 
I can’t explain, but I actually miss all the children… I really got to love them a whole lot, and probably more so, because I knew how much my sister loved them, especially the older two who I got to know more easily than the little ones.  By the last night there, the third child, (a little boy who was referred to as “The Lone Ranger” by his family, because he seemed to enjoy his own company a lot), jumped off of his chair into my arms for the first time when Brie told him I’d be leaving the next day… so just as I had really gotten close to him at last, I was gone the next day… I gained a particularly soft spot for him also and the littlest one who had a smile that could melt anybody’s heart. 
 
And Lucy… their little dog… I wish I could have taken her home.  I loved that little dog and she loved me too… such a sweet little girl who loved being loved.
 
On Sunday 3rd February, Brie and Rich took us to their church and that was also a lovely experience.  In front of us in the congregation were two disabled boys belonging to two different families.  One of these boys shouted out uncontrollably and very loud every now and then, whilst the other struggled with uncontrollable movements at times… I believe and KNEW that I was in the company of great spirits… not here in this world for their own progression, but rather to test and help us with our own progression.  I felt a great love for them both and their families.
 
The chapel in the picture below, was the one where my Anne’s funeral service was held.  Just look how beautiful is this chapel with the snow-speckled mountains in the background.  I’d love to live in such a beautiful place.

After church, I was picked up by a very dear friend of mine who used to live in South Africa. 
 
Cheryl and I became best of friends over a difficult time in my life where I needed someone as gentle, kind and understanding as she is.  She was training to be a homeopath at the time, and I was suffering greatly with the consequences of my obesity and living with extreme stress overload back then.  I weighed 127.7 kg’s (281.5 lbs).  I was enormous… had high blood pressure, water retention, migraines, boils and abscesses (undiagnosed diabetes and undiagnosed acute gout attacks and was often disabled by agonizing pain with swelling in one area of my body or another).  I had many more negative health issues, including heart palpitations and breathing struggles, sleep apnea, etc.… I was a very sick woman, both physically and mentally.  Around then was also the time that the transference and countertransference happened in therapy and I was totally broken by it all.  I had started to self-injure, and to say I was a basket case in my late 40’s, was an understatement.  I was also dealing with our big house move which of itself, was and extremely overwhelming and highly traumatic experience for me.
 
I believe I was literally dying, but having lost trust in all the world, I refused to go to doctors!  Part of me just didn’t care anymore.  I was only staying alive for the sake of my children, but even they had been leaving home and moving on with their lives and the empty nest syndrome had also debilitated me greatly on an emotional level… I had always been petrified of doctors anyway, and not being on a medical aid, there was no ways I was going to make a habit of going to government hospitals anymore, “…unless I am dragged there on my deathbed and unconscious”, I used to say.  So, there was no hope of really dealing with all that had gone wrong, health wise.  Up until then, another dear friend’s mother who worked at a clinic, kindly supplied me with the medications I needed… but there were never any blood tests, etc. to prove what I needed. I just used my nursing skills along with hers to guess what I would need, and it all seemed to work well enough to keep me going.  Neither of us had picked up on diabetes or gout though… (she never saw me often enough to know exactly what I was going through), so those conditions continued to bring down and destroy my health, functioning and happiness, without the correct treatment. 
 
Cheryl came along just when I needed her most.  She was already a good friend who I’d known for some time.  We shared an interest in gardening and I shared a lot of my garden plants with her… I even did a painting of one of her roses once which she says she still has.

Cheryl needed clients to work on during her studies, so she asked if I would be one of her clients and because I trusted her friendship so much already, and was really suffering, especially with the painful abscesses and acute gout attacks, I agreed.  Cheryl was amazing.  She remembers that I wouldn’t let her do any physical examinations on me for some time (which were all an important part of her training requirement needs), because of my fears of allowing anyone to get too close.  I cannot even let someone manicure my nails or do a facial on me, so that’s a problem I’ve always struggled with as a result of child abuse, but it had become much more exaggerated due to the abuse of my two husbands that I was now divorced from, and it had become even worse after all that had gone so horribly wrong during my therapy which had devastated my trust in the world, including my religious worldview, and I even lost trust in my own being.
 
Cheryl seemed to have a sixth sense about how to work with me.  She was so gentle and so compassionate and patient.  I’m sure that my fearful behaviour must have hindered her progress for her studies, but she did not allow that to phase her at all… she saw me as her patient and treated me according to my needs, and not her own… she put me first, which I believe is a great sign of a true healer, even on the very level of the soul.  Cheryl was able to help me immensely, even lancing huge abscesses for the first time, and making sure that I was properly medicated.  I experienced a lot of healing during my time in her care, both physically and mentally… I was truly blessed… Life had made sure that I was to get through the worst, and once again, I knew that I was not alone in this world… and I was reminded, that my life surely has a purpose and that I had to live for whatever purpose that I was created to BE and DO.
 
Anyway, I was further blessed during my time in Utah, to have spent that lovely afternoon with Cheryl and her dear husband Cecil.  First, we relaxed together in their lovely home, our feet up on comfortable chairs and we chatted and caught up on our lives a little… then lunch and more relaxing.  After that, they took me for a ride up to the Spanish Fork Canyon, to a place called Diamond Fork. 
 
Traveling through the Utah National Forest, we were all surprised to see a moose standing on the side of the road, and some other sightseeing photographers pointed us in the right direction to see a cougar that we had missed… it was sitting in a tree a little distance away from the edge of the road.  We also saw plenty deer on both sides of the road.  They were beautiful, contrasted against the snow.

I can’t even explain how excited I was to see all these lovely animals in their natural habitat, but even Cheryl and her husband were very excited, because they had never seen a moos or cougar there before.  Once again, I wondered if my sister had organized this lovely surprise for us all from the other side of the veil where she is now, because she wanted me to really enjoy my short time there and to give me some great memories and distractions to help me through her passing.  That would be so typical of her… she would do everything in her power to make sure that I’d get through the time of her passing as comfortably and pain-free as possible… she was that loving, thoughtful and kind.
 
On the way back to the car, after looking at the cougar in the tree, I slipped on ice, landing on my tuffet in a thick cushion of snow.  It was a very soft landing, so all was good… and what a good laugh we had.  Cheryl, a short woman, came to help me up… the more we laughed, the harder it was for both of us.  That was so funny!  I was amazed that my dress was not wet when I got up… Snow is actually dry, until it has reason to melt!  A new discovery for me!
 
The Utah National Forest area is so beautiful… we were driving through a mountain pass, and the mountains were covered in snow.  There was a little winding stream in a valley to our right as we drove up the mountain, and it was truly so beautiful to see it cutting through the snow.  I wished I’d taken a photo of it, but I was too distracted by the beauty we were driving in, and somehow forgot.
 
The sun was setting fast, and it was dark by the time we were leaving there… Cecil took a wrong turn and we ended up in a very dark and remote area where we had to turn the car around… I suddenly felt a deep fear, because where I live in South Africa, that could have proved to be a very dangerous place.  Cheryl and her husband had to remind me that we were not in South Africa anymore, and that it was perfectly safe where we were, in Utah. 
 
(It must be surreal to live in a place like that, with so little to fear.  I noticed how during my stay in Utah, I was guarding my bag on my trolley when we were shopping and asking my niece to watch it when I left it on the trolley to go try on the clothing that she was buying for me.  She must have thought it was quite strange for me to worry so much about my bag, just as I felt it was quite strange to not have to worry about such things while I was there on the other side of the world.)
 
Cheryl and Cecil took me to look at their beautiful Payson City Temple where they told me they were sealed, and that too was something beautiful to see.  Their temple was lit up against the night sky, with lights reflecting on the snow below.  It was a very windy night and the wind freezing cold.

The Payson City Temple
 
When they dropped me off back at Rich and Brie’s house, I was sad to say goodbye to them… my dear friends, but at least I had enjoyed the blessing of seeing Cheryl again and meeting her lovely husband for the first time.  I felt so happy for her to have discovered such love in a good man, and also to be living in such a beautiful place.
 
Monday, 4th February, Brie took me to buy some under garments which I was sorely in need of, and then took me to Walmart, where I decided to spend a small amount of the money I’d taken with, on some odds and ends.  Brie bought me two lovely black skirts and a well-fitting bra… Oh my goodness me… there’s nothing like a good bra when one has lost tons of weight as I have, it’s like night and day… hahaha!  I am so grateful to her, for her beautiful heart and for spoiling me so much.  After that, she drove up to higher ground to see some million $ houses… shew… those were something else! 
 
On Tuesday, 5th February, Brie and I spent a lovely quiet day together, and I helped her a bit with some catching up on her housework.  While we were busy, we realised that there was sleet falling outside… a sure sign of snow on the way… I was so excited!
 
Well, Utah didn’t just get snow… I got to witness one of the biggest snowfalls in Utah, in the last 12 years.  Up till then on my stay, there had been a little melting snow on the ground here and there when I arrived, but lovely sunny skies and not so cold at all.  But, by the day after the sleet started to fall, everything was beautifully snow covered and the snow just kept falling.  In some places it was as much as a foot deep, and on the mountains I believe, there were falls as much as 5 foot deep!  That’s just unfathomable to me. 
 
Brie commented that she thought that Anne had organized the big snowfall also for my stay, because she would know how much I would love that… and I sure did love it very much. 
 
My family back in South Africa double dared me to make a snow angel, one even triple dared me… they really didn’t need to at all… I was absolutely delighted to have the opportunity at last, even at the age of 62 years, it was so much fun!  Another childhood wish come true for me!

​Brie and Rich took me and their children bowling before we left.  That was fun… I don’t think my aim was too good, but I still did a few good shots that I could be proud of… Brie on the other hand was an absolute bowling pro in comparison… haha!  Go Brie!  It was lovely to spend that time with them, just having fun together as a family.  My Anne must have been smiling down on us all.

They also took me to see the Timpanogos temple near their home.  The huge and beautiful mountain behind their house with the same name… Mt Timpanogos.  It was so cold and snowing when we got out of the car to take pictures that they were literally done on the run, so I’m glad the photos turned out so well.

​Before I left, we went to take one last pass by my dear Anne’s gravesite.  There was nothing much to see, but the snow covering the whole graveyard, and Anne’s beautiful flowers poking through the snow.  I thought how fitting it was to see just the lovely white flowers poking out through the white snow, as my last memory of the place where she was buried.  It was so beautiful to me. 

​On Thursday 7th February, Brie drove me to the airport in Salt Lake City where I left Utah and my lovely family and friends there, to come home.  Because I was booked for “passenger assist”, they would have pushed me in a wheelchair to where I needed to be.  Brie blessed me with Anne’s wheelchair as a gift.  It is a beautiful, and more comfortable one than the one I had for the times I suffered acute gout attacks (luckily none since 2017)… my dear Greek mom’s old wheelchair.  I will continue to use that one to help me transport all my mountains of stuff up and down the long corridors at Unisa when I attend workshops, unless I find someone who has a greater need for it in the meantime… it has been very helpful for the workshops.
 
Our last hug
For some reason, better known to my heart, I want to finish off this post, with this photo…
 
My sister Anne and I hugging at the airport on my last visit to Utah in 2013.  I think I want to use it now, to somehow connect our last real sisterly hug, with the HUG I experienced during my stay in Utah this time… in 2019… almost as if I felt her hug once more while I was there now. 
 
Although tears rise when I look at this picture, it is also a comfort to me, with my little sister, Shev there too, looking on lovingly… she was also always THERE with me, and for me during the hardest times of our lives as children living through abuse, and she is still HERE in my life today, even though she too lives on the other side of the world… We still have e-mail and WhatsApp, and I still have her LOVE… she has also never given up on me and I’m able to tell her often how much I LOVE her too, and for that, I am so very, very grateful.

Good bye for now my  beloved Anne… until we meet again ♥
 

​Thank you for sharing with me
 
~  Panayiota

​This has to be the hardest blog post to write, not only because it’s about the funeral visit of my sister, but also because so much has happened over this time, that I don’t know what on earth I will be able to remember and make sense of here… all seems too overwhelming and I’d rather not write about it, but at the same time, I won’t be able to rest until I do and feel it is safely stored outside of me... so, I will try.
 
As mentioned in a previous blog post, (My Beloved Sister Anne ~ May the Good Lord Bless and Keep You - Posted 19/2/2019), my dear niece, Brie, let me know that my sister (in-law), had suffered a series of strokes, and on the 29th, Brie let me know that my Anne had passed away on the 28th in Utah (their time being 9 hours before ours in South Africa).  I was devastated beyond words, because just like with my Greek mom who died in 2004, I could not imagine this world without my Anne in it. 
 
Anne, just like my own sister who also lives on the other side of the world from me, had been one of my most steadfast and faithful friends over all the years I’d known her, and she was one person who stood by me through all my ups and downs and she never gave up on me no matter what.  During the years I was married to her narcissistically abusive brother, she wrote to me daily… her support was true and filled with love and meaning, because she of all people, understood what my children and I were going through living with that man.   Anne was always there for me (I was there for her too), and she always believed in me… she was never ashamed of me and was my biggest supporter on my blog.  She did not hide her (known) name here… Patricia Shaw… and seemed proud and honoured to be related to me and a real part of my life.  As mentioned in the previous post, Anne too had known child abuse, so she believed in what I was doing on my blog… she gave me confidence and helped me to believe in what I am doing here also… my Anne’s unconditional love and acceptance of me was pure and true…
 
My world is feeling a very lonely place now that she is gone.  I will miss my Anne’s support here, and right now, this is the source of my deep sadness, because this is where I needed most what she gave to me in acknowledging and accepting who I have become today, along with all my chaotic thoughts and emotions, etc. 
 
Who could as authentically and honestly, be that for me now… WHO?  I believe that my faraway sister would if she could but, I believe that she does not have the time or energy to keep up with all my blogging “stuff”… and I understand and accept that, because I understand her life circumstances.  Sweet Brie said that she would take over from my Anne, to be there for me… I think that would be a tough task to take on for such a young friend, because I have experienced that very few can withstand or even understand my constant ups and downs, but how lovely is my niece for wanting to try… and I believe she will too... Bless her dear heart ❤
 
My Anne’s passing has left me feeling quite alone in the world… something I can’t explain.  Others have gotten that close to me before, but have eventually tired of me, or become angry and pulled away… she never did… (the tears just keep running)...  I was there for her too… she suffered a lot in her later years… cancer… cancer treatment lung damage… on oxygen most of the time… in a wheelchair… diabetes type 2, kidney failure and regular dialysis, etc.  I once did a Logotherapy dream interpretation on her childhood daydream world which helped her so much… we were very close…
 
I now understand better at last, Frankl’s quote: “Having been is the surest way of being.” (Frankl, 2006, p.121) I had with my sister, what very few have ever known or recognised in this world… one of the greatest treasures for the heart and soul ever ❤ I also understand better the quote, “It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all” ~ Alfred Lord Tennyson
 
Anne’s was the purest form of true love that I have ever known, other than what I’d shared with my younger sister throughout our lives.
 
On January the 28th, before my Anne’s passing, I woke in the morning to the sound I’d missed for quite a while… the very loud chirping of a little sparrow outside my window.  That was such a delight to my soul… I hadn’t heard him in ages, so I knew that was a sign once again, that I was not alone while I struggle with my fears that my sister might die.  I have not heard the little bird outside my window again since, but I am comforted for the gift of it’s sweet chirping and rejoicing to the world on that day.  The 28th was the day my sister passed away on the other side of the world and I was reminded that in all the horrors of this world, there is still reason to rejoice in each new day that I am blessed to live and experience… to have yet another chance to grow in wisdom and strength… another day of healing possibilities… my sister would have wanted me to think in this way… to see the light shining through all of the darkness that keeps coming and trying to consume me.
 
On the January 29th, I received the news of my sister’s passing, and on the same day, it was my other near-by sister in law’s birthday. 
 
I wrote on Facebook:
Please forgive me for not being able to go over your messages yet today... every time I try to read, I want to cry and it's easier not to feel too much right now... I've been deliberately keeping too busy today, so I don’t have to cry...
 
It’s my other sister (in law), Irene's birthday breakfast this morning, and that helped to take my mind off of things for a while and it was lovely to be with her and my littlest sister and dad, but the minute I got home I started to cry again... then my dear Logotherapy colleague visited and that was a special distraction... then I needed to go pick the children up from school for aftercare and then my sister in law invited me to an early supper with her and our family.
 
I don't want to think about my sister's passing today... I actually feel a little angry at Life for taking her away... but that's selfish and I just need some time please... I hope you understand...
 
Keeping busy is helping me to block the pain as best as I can... I'm sure I will be able to connect with you all again tomorrow and will make sure I have a good night’s sleep so I can... Thank you so much for being here, even when I feel I can't be... you are all so loved.
 
I also feel quite guilty about going out to celebrate my other sister in law's birthday, (as if I'm supposed to be sitting here crying instead... but surely that's not honouring my Anne) but at the same time... I love this other sister in law also and it is her birthday today... and I know that my sister in Heaven would prefer me to be out with my family which is in its own way healing for us all (after recent family struggles), instead of sitting here crying about my Anne… I know that would make her so sad also.
 
You have all done so much responding over the last few days... what a difference you have made... so I don't expect anyone to respond to this one also. This is just an update.
 
Goodnight everyone and love to you all.
 
Well, as usual, many of my FB friends did respond and so kindly too.  I particularly loved the response from my nephew John, from the other side of the world.  He wrote:
 
“You have no need to feel guilty aunt Pan. She loved you so much and would not want that. She'd rather you be celebrating life with friends and family, enjoying it to the fullest, than focusing on the sad side.”
 
So, on the day of my sister’s passing, I did share in the celebration of my sister-in-law, Irene’s birthday breakfast and supper.  By some lovely twist of fate, my son’s work closed early that night and he was able to join us for supper which was really special, and I know that the terrible pain I could have wallowed in all day, was prevented by the synchronicity of Life that always seems to happen at just the right moment in time.  It is these synchronicities that happen so often in my life, that keep on reminding me, that I am not alone in this world… none of us ever are.  We are being watched over and loved during every life event that we go through… good or bad. 
 
This reminds me of one of my favourite poems:
 
God Moves in a Mysterious Way
 
God moves in mysterious ways
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea,
And rides upon the storm.
 
Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never-failing skill
He treasures up His Bright designs,
And works His sovereign will.
 
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.
 
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
 
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.
 
Blind unbelief is sure to err,
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.
 
~ William Cowper
 
 
30th January 2019
Was I ever in for a surprising day! Everything happened so fast and unexpectedly. 
 
I received a message from Brie:
“Pats funeral will be Friday. We were hoping you could come we will fly you out.  I think Pat would love that.  It would have to be on Wednesday to make the funeral.”
 
(Just a reminder to avoid confusion… I knew my sister as Anne, but most of everyone on her side of the world knew her as Pat)
 
Well, I could have fainted when I received Brie’s message.  IMPOSSIBLE was all I could think.  It was already Wednesday on my side of the world and she was telling me to fly on that very day… I was dumbfounded… filled with a myriad of other emotions at the very thought. 
 
I responded in a series of messages: (shortened below)
Are you talking about my Anne's funeral being this week?  It's already Wednesday... how could I ever do everything so soon that I'd be leaving here today... I can't even imagine how it would be possible...What I'd give to be standing with you at Pat's funeral, to support you at that moment in time when you say your last goodbye... but honestly Brie... how could I do that today... how could all of it be arranged so quickly... I just can't imagine that it would be possible... not even from your side... I wouldn't even know where to start to make it happen.  And surely dearest Brie... that's a huge amount of money from your side too and I am sure that Pat would want you to use that to bless your own lives right now.  Oh, my Brie... thank you for suggesting it... you are such a sweet angel... I love you so much ❤ ❤ ❤
😍
 
Brie
Rich said if you can't come now then we need to plan for you to come out to meet my little ones and see where your Anne is laid to rest. We feel like all of our family is gone... we lost the last family we had. You were Anne's and now your ours! ❤
 
Me
My dearest Brie, I still can't believe it would be possible, but My daughter in law tells me it is, so this would be entirely up to you and your finances... I have a feeling this is far too expensive, because it would be about R20 000 for a return flight and that would be about USD 1471.38... that's a lot of money my Brie and you'd still need to feed me while I'm there.  I live mostly on salads and some meats and egg white, etc.
😍 It must be in the middle of the night there and I can't believe we were both writing at the same time.  Anyway... see what you think... I'm happy with another time, or to leave tonight... my goodness me... sounds impossible, but my daughter in law assures me it would be possible... and yes… I am your family forever.  My daughter in law said that if you were going to book for tonight she's already researched flights... it would need to be Delta airlines... Johannesburg to Atlanta with the one that has a four hour layover and then onto Salt Lake City... and with wheelchair assistance, because I would be too scared to try and get to all where I'm supposed to be on my own.  I'm happy with now or another time my dear Brie and Rich... so there would be no rush depending on your finances... I have no money.  I'd probably travel with R1000 with help from family, just so I can buy water on the way or something, but that's all... I wouldn't even be able to bring you gifts, but I would bring you my TRUE LOVE... that's all I have and some REAL HUGS too... ❤ ❤ ❤
 
Well, everything went crazy from that moment on… I still can’t believe that making a HUMONGOUS decision like that at the start of the day and being on the plane that same night was a possibility… Shew… I don’t get around much do I!
 
Luckily, my multiple entry visa to the USA was still active.  My last trip to the states was in 2013, when my far away sister invited me to visit her in Canada in support of my desire to attend the 19 World Congress of Logotherapy in Dallas Texas.  She wanted to join me at the congress, where I was to present my work.  My beautiful sister and her husband covered all the financial side of my trip and while I was in the USA, my sister also accompanied me on a visit to our Anne in Utah.  That was a treasured time for the three of us to spend time together and just share in the love we had for each other.  I will be forever grateful for that beautiful time as sisters altogether.

​My Anne in the white floral shirt and my lovely sister Shev (Sharon), standing behind us. 
 
I was also in a wheelchair for my entire visit to the USA in 2013.  I had unfortunately developed an acute gout attack just prior to leaving on my trip, due to too much excitement and fear of the scary world of travelling so far on my own.  I even had to present to the group at the Logotherapy World Congress, standing with crutches.  Those were the days that I refused to take medication for the pain… but all that stopped in 2017 after the worst acute gout attack ever that occurred after my devastating computer crash… from then on, I’ve taken medication whenever I felt it necessary and I have not had another acute attack since then, thankfully.  Poor Shev had to push me everywhere, because I could not use my aching swollen foot at all.  She is the most loving and caring sister ever and my time with her at the World Congress of Logotherapy in Dallas, Texas and most of my entire journey with her was one of the happiest times in my life. 
 
I don’t mind that our three sisters photo ended up so blurry, because it kind of represented the very short time I had with my Anne… that it went by in a flash and a blur… but the joy on all of our faces is all I need to remember.  What a wonderful sisters-together-time that was.  I had only really started to lose weight by the start of 2013, so I was still rather hefty at the time of this photo.
 
The trip to Utah on Wednesday evening 2019, to attend my sister Anne’s funeral.
My 2nd son and daughter in law did all that they could to assist me to get ready and to be at the airport on time, even though we’d only made that decision that morning.  They went above and beyond to help me, so that everything would go smoothly and gave me the confidence I needed to begin this great and very rushed adventure. 
 
From the moment the decision for me to go was made, my tummy became upset and stayed that way for almost my entire stay in the USA, so it was even more important that I had the isle seat on the plane. 
 
My greatest fear for flying, was that my diet is so restricted now, that I did not know how I would cope on the plane.  I took with whatever I could in my bag, but still the fear remained, because it was going to be a 21-hour trip and no shops I could just pop into easily along the way for exactly what I needed for my dietary requirements.
 
Soon after boarding the plane, an lovely Air flight attendant named Sandy introduced herself to me… when I plucked up the courage, I told her how worried I was about my diet, because the first meal that arrived was practically inedible for me and my needs. 
 
From the menu, I chose chicken thigh with oriental stir fry and basmati rice… when it arrived, it was a small tray with a small section of what looked like small cubes of chicken in gravy filling half of a small section and the other half the stir fry. 
 
So for starters, I am not supposed to eat anything with seed oils, so the stir fry was a problem, but I ate it after removing any ground and pumpkin type vegetables… that left about a tablespoon of what looked like spinach… spinach is high in purines which can trigger gout, so not ideal… ground vegetables and pumpkin type veggies, have sugars in them, so they are not ideal for diabetes… keeping in mind, that I am totally controlling my diabetes and gout with diet alone… it is very rarely that I take anything for aching joints, and I never take anything for the diabetes, because that is so well under control… I don’t even test for sugar anymore… it’s totally unnecessary.   I even had to search for my sugar tester to take with, because I thought I’d better as I was worried about what I’d have to eat while I was away and felt I might need to  monitor myself in any emergency situations, so that I’d know what to tell someone, if I needed help.  I even took my very old and outdated (2012) Glycomin tablets with, for just in case.  I am definitely one to think ahead of all the possible emergency scenarios, so I was well prepared. On the tray was also a tiny salad… if I remember right, it had a few chunks of cucumber in it… maybe three of four cherry tomatoes, but the rest was chick peas… I had to take them out, because they contain too much carbs for my diet.  (I can eat tomatoes… they don’t seem to trigger my gout at all… I believe it’s different for everyone).  There was also a lovely pudding on my plate, but I could not eat any of it as it contained carbs and sugars.
 
So, when I had a chance, I asked the flight attendant, Sandy, if she could help me.  I told her that because my diet was Banting based, I could only eat the right fats, and needed those to balance my sugars… (seed oils could trigger the gout), so she brought me a bunch of little individually wrapped butters.  She also brought me an apple, which I could eat as a quick sugar booster if I felt my sugar was getting too low.  She was so kind to me.  She made sure I had milk when I needed it, which contains just enough fats and sugars to keep the sugar balanced also.  I asked to be woken mid-flight for a snack… and when the Chicken on Ciabatta with tomato pesto arrived, all I could eat, was the chicken, and thankfully it was a fair amount that was stuffed into that little bread type roll. 
 
For breakfast the menu options was “cheese cigar omelet with grilled bacon, or pancakes with mixed berry coulis and vanilla custard sauce”… I couldn’t eat any of that… so, Sandy had also given me a good few little wrapped blocks of cheese, which were lifesavers!  I generally try not to eat too much dairy or fats, but in this case, I had no option.  I don’t know what I would have done if it wasn’t for that flight attendant angel named Sandy.  Her presence alone helped me immensely in feeling safe on the flight… I was not alone. 
 
Another wonderful miracle happened for me on that flight.  I’d ended up with a back row of three seats all to myself.  As a result, I was able to lie down to sleep.  I honestly believed that my sister had somehow managed to organize that from the other side of the veil, not only the trip for me, but also those three seats.  I felt the blessing of her love.
 
But by the morning, I had developed a terrible headache… I thought it was due to tiredness, because it was a restless night.  I had totally forgotten what water retention felt like, because I hadn’t had it for so many years due to better health habits.  By the time I realised it was water retention, it was already very far gone, and my head was throbbing terribly!  I felt positively ill… it was too late to take a water pill because we were soon to land… (believe it or not, for some reason, I’d thrown those in my bag also in the rush before leaving home… for just in case… and they were also very outdated!)  Being so close to the airport by the time I realised it was water retention, I was too scared to take a water pill, because I never knew if I’d be able to get to the bathrooms every half an hour once the pill started to work… so I had to wait.  I took the pill as soon as Brie got me to her house… they also dosed me with something to help with my splitting head.
 
On the morning I arrived at the Salt Lake City airport, after traveling for 21 hours, it was Thursday morning 10h10, because I’d gone backwards in time on the flight… the whole time thing is all very confusing to my mind. 
 
Preparing my sister for our last goodbye to her
On the same day I arrived, I went with Brie and three of my Anne’s sons (my nephews), and her other daughter in law and a friend, to the chapel where we were to help dress Anne, in preparation for her burial.  I had previously helped prepare friends who had passed on, for their burial, but never had I ever experienced it as beautiful as I did on this day for my sister. 
 
The Utah Valley Mortuary, is attached to my sister’s church there, and therefore catered for the requirements of burials according to her faith.  I was so impressed with how lovely it was all done and my headache faded very quickly once I arrived there with my family. 
 
We were greeted kindly and warmly, (like good friends) by the gentleman in charge of the place.  He did not look like a scary mortician at all, but rather a brother or uncle, dressed neatly in a suit with a white shirt and tie.  He invited us into a large room where my sister was lying on a table.  She was dressed in a beautiful long white dress, with her arms folded across her chest.  I don’t have much of a visual memory at all… I have never had much in the way of visual memories… like I can’t shut my eyes now and see what I saw then… I just have vague memories… the large room… remembering beautiful furniture, even though I can’t see it in my mind… and I can remember, but not see anymore, that my sister looked so peaceful. 
 
The people at the funeral home had already washed and dressed her and even applied some hints of makeup, so that she looked as if she was just sleeping.  Some of us even thought we caught her smiling… that’s just how peaceful she looked.  There was beautiful music playing, but so very softly and so distant, that I imagined that I was hearing it coming from Heaven.  Maybe that was the intention.
 
When I stood by my sister’s side, I cried… it was the reality I needed to prove she was gone… so I guess she knew that a trip to the USA was most needed if I was to ever accept her death.  (now the tears return as I write this… just remembering that moment in time again).  I kissed her on her cheek and told her I loved her.  We each there, had our special moment with her and then, according to their religion, we all had a hand in helping to finish dressing her… A white veil on her head, white slippers on her feet, a white cape over her dress and apron also.  In her hands, if I remember right, was a white handkerchief.  I was so impressed that her sons were sharing this experience with us.  I’d only ever experienced the preparing of a person for burial with other women, so this was something new and wonderful for me to witness.
 
Once my Anne was dressed and looking like an angel lying there ready for her burial the next day, I remember us standing around her bed and… I can’t remember anything much else… I remember we all had a good cry… and I remember breaking down in tears, and mentioning how much she believed in me and supported me throughout all the years we’d known each other.  How it didn’t matter whether I was angry, or made mistakes, or what, she never gave up on loving me… her loving support was the one constant I could always rely on and I wondered how I could live without that now.  I remember mentioning also, how she was my greatest support on my blog… never ashamed of what I shared here… she openly left her comments of love and support, even with her full name there… Patricia Shaw… the last time she commented was on 13th January this year… (13 was her favourite number… I wonder if there’s any significance in that).  For some reason, thinking that I’d never have her commenting on my blog posts again, caused me more sadness than anything else about losing her.  I think that was because her loving comments were her way of really authenticating me here… she believed in me… she supported my posts, even when I believe that so many others negatively judge them or are just here for the sake of curiosity and gossip.  My Anne was consistent with her love and support… I could rely on her always being there for me… and somehow that reliance was now shattered into a million pieces… all I had left, was my belief, that I have true friends in Heaven, and that she would be added among them now.  

​I wondered how my Anne would let me know she was with me… my brother had found a way and some others also… but how would my Anne show me her presence I wondered?  I had to believe that she would, or, I knew that I would not be able to bare her complete absence in my life.  (She did find a way… I will share about that sometime, but in the meantime, I think about the sudden opportunity to be able to go to her funeral on the other side of the world… the beautiful, kind flight attendant, Sandy… and those three empty seats that I could lie down on during the flight).
 
One of the last things my Anne wished for on that last comment she made on my blog post that I posted on the 11th January, was:
 
“I hope with all my heart that your fund raising for a bike for Shem will truly come to pass. What a wonderful man he is.”
 
I never did receive the amount of R1000 that I requested for Shem, but he has since managed to purchase a better than nothing previously owned bike.
 
Friday, February 1st ~ My Anne’s Funeral – our last goodbye
Once again, I can’t remember everything.  I needed to look at the funeral service program right now, just to remember what time we went to the chapel where my sister’s open white casket was placed in the corner of a lovely room with chairs all around.  (I would love to be buried in a white casket when it’s my time to leave this world).  It was just perfect for my sister and I remember thinking that it was beautiful.  In the passage outside the door, my nephews had set up a TV with streaming of many photos of “favourite moments of Anne’s life” showing in rotation.   Those were so lovely to see also. 
 
I sat in that room and some lovely young women from my sister’s church came to talk to me.  They made me feel loved and accepted there.  For some reason, I can’t remember talking to anyone else, other than two of my sister’s very special friends who she had written so kindly about to me over the years.
 
People were going up to my sister’s casket to say their last goodbyes… I remember seeing some members of her church coming in and setting up a board filled with their photographic memories of Anne on a table in the room… when I saw that, I started to cry… I don’t know why.  I think maybe it was because I could see that someone else loved her enough, to do something so special for her on her goodbye day.  My heart was warmed by their love.
 
Somewhere along the line, I think it was the funeral director, who came to ask me if I wanted to go say a last goodbye to my sister in her open casket.  I was kind of glued to my seat, not wanting to say goodbye, but my sister’s brother in law, David, a gentle man, stepped forward and took my hand, escorting me up to her coffin where I said my goodbye… I think I was crying… I remember my nephew was sitting nearby and I didn’t want to upset him, so tried to hold it in… but I think I didn’t succeed very well.
 
After that, all I remember is being in the chapel… beautiful speeches about my sister’s life and how much she was loved and how much she did for all who knew and loved her.  I remember someone played the piano… and a young lady played the violin… I remember “Amazing Grace”… I can’t remember if that was the violinist or the bagpiper who played that… both played so beautifully… I remember that much and thinking how pleased my sister would be… she loved bagpipes in particular, and I was so happy for her that she had those playing to send her off.  The piper was dressed in his full Scottish outfit… kilt and all… he was lovely.
 
Then we were standing beside her grave… there was no piles of sand… no mud and stones to stumble over… everything was so neat and perfect, with the inside of the grave and edges neatly covered in green cloth… I’d never experienced that before.
 
I think the bagpiper standing a little way off was already playing when we arrived… it all feels like a far distant memory to me now… I wonder where my mind goes off to sometimes, because I have such a patchy memory!  I just remember how lovely his playing was… a film from my childhood came to mind, ‘Finnian’s Rainbow’… “Why?” I wonder… were there bagpipes in that film… or was it just the foggy atmosphere of the film and in my mind just then.  I made a point of going to thank the piper when he ceremony was over.  I know my sister would have wanted to thank him, so I felt to do it on her behalf… and I hugged him also.
 
When we first arrived at the burial site, something wonderful happened… it happened so unexpectedly and suddenly!  The funeral director came up to me with a mike in his hand and asked if I’d like to say something for my sister when he started the proceedings in a few minutes… I heard myself saying that I’d love to sing, but I’m not sure I’d be able to… he responded kindly… said, that when he opened, he’d give everyone the option and if I wanted to I could just indicate…
 
And almost immediately he was talking and asked the question, and before I knew it, I reached out for the microphone… I was not going to miss my opportunity to sing for a very special loved one again.  I had missed it at my Greek mom’s funeral, and my dear old friend, Norma Bester’s funeral, because I was too shy… but I was NOT going to miss the opportunity and live with regrets again.  I didn’t care if I made a mess up… I was still going to do this for my sister right there and then!  AND I DID!  I sang, “May the Good Lord Bless and Keep You”.  I wish I could post music onto my blog so I could share with you the song as I sang it, but as I can’t here is a link to Jim Reeves singing it: 
 
May the Good Lord Bless and Keep You
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PD9KLA4qz3A
 
(If anyone wants to hear me singing it on the clip, I made for Brie to play to my sister before she had crossed over, you can send a letter through my blog contact e-mail address with your e-mail address for me to send it… I’m not quite Jim Reeves, but I did my best for my sister).
 
I think I did a pretty good job of singing at my sister’s funeral… no focusing on my nerves, even though I was visibly shaking… not wondering if I would make a mistake, or make a fool of myself… no big knot in my throat that has always prevented me from singing in public… even though, I did get one word slightly wrong… I knew it straight away, but for the first time in my life, it didn’t matter to me that I slipped up… it wouldn’t have changed the meaning much at all and certainly not in any negative way.  All I know, is that I am so grateful that I was able to do that for my sister, and I was told afterwards that I sang beautifully and have a lovely voice. 
 
Who would expect a dream to come true at a funeral… Life is such a beautiful, magical, miraculous, mystery to me.
 
Another thing that I know my sister would have really loved, is that her family had actually managed to find flame lily flowers to put on her casket… she had grown up in Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe), so flame lilies, which were the national flower of Rhodesia at the time, were something so beautiful that she loved very much, just as I do.

​After the funeral, we went to have lunch, which was provided by my sister’s church sisters… it was a huge and delicious lunch, so beautifully prepared and with such obvious love.
 
Another thing I remember about the day, was lots of love and hugs… I think those tender mercies, given so freely and generously, are what got me through the day in one piece.
 
This is all I want to share today, and I will write a bit about the rest of my stay in the USA and since then in the next blog post. 
 
Thank you so much for sharing this special post with me,
 
~ Panayiota

​My last blog post was about experiencing this kind of mourning loss... so, it absolutely amazes me, how the very words I need to express what I am feeling, come to me so often on Facebook, or from whatever source like this at around the same time I need just the right words.  Almost as if Life itself is supporting me for some reason... This helps me to feel that I am being watched over and I'm not alone in this Universe... that my deepest most painful feelings are authenticated by someone, somewhere… and so, I am strengthened repeatedly, to go on...
 
Some incredible force out there understands where I'm coming from and why... The whole world might judge me, but someone else, somewhere, LOVES me very much and holds me in Their Hands… I like to believe this is my God… and all in Heaven, including my ancestors who I believe are with me in prayer and support because they can see the whole picture from their Heavenly vantage point.  I also like to believe that it also comes from those rare and beautiful, who genuinely love and care about me, right here in this world.
 
The more I think about it, the more I am sure that I’m “coming from” a place of too much love and I am so often condemned for expressing the pain that is caused, for speaking out about how much it hurts when the kind of love I expect is not returned, or I cannot find it in the same measure in this world...  It so very often feels as though I do not belong to this world... like, I am an alien here...
 
But I know and I’m reminded so often, that I am being watched over and being helped along the path of my life for some reason that is uniquely designed for me.  I believe that this is the same for everyone in their own uniqueness of and for being. 
 
I love this quote found in our Logotherapy, Introductory course, workshop manual:  

​Yesterday, 25th February, was the memory of my beloved Greek mother’s passing in 2004.  I call it her “Love Day”.  She was actually my step-mother, but I always imagined her as my own true mother, or spiritual mother, because she was so kind and loving to me when I was a child… in stark contrast to my biological mother who struggled to be loving and kind.  

I wrote this morning 26th February:
Yesterday I sat alone with my memories of my Greek mother... I could not find anywhere, except here on FB where I could share my feelings, because things have gone so horribly wrong due to hurt trust between certain of my family and I… and they are slipping away so fast that I cannot find my way back to them anymore... it's like my childhood dream of their love has been smashed to pieces and I can't find all the pieces to fix it... Losing that part of my family, means losing my connection with my dad also... but part of me wants that, because it's less painful than the fact that I can't reach him anymore anyway... to really get to know him as my father, and not just the magical, wonderful far distant fantasy that I am still grasping onto with childhood longings of happier times to repeat over and over again... where daddy used to spoil us when we visited him on school holidays, and he took us to the train park in Bulawayo to ride the mini steam train and enjoy delicious scones with cream and strawberry jam from the little store there... I couldn't see over the counter which I reached up to hold onto, standing on tiptoes... trying to be big enough to see what the attendant was getting ready for us to enjoy... that's practically all I can remember of daddy as a child... those wonderful visits to the train park... and our tummy's tickling when he drove up and down the toad humps and dips on the Bulawayo streets... I know there was some kind of history related to those humps and dips in the road... something to do with the wagon days if I remember right.  But we loved daddy riding fast up and down those so much!  We would always giggle with delight.  I wish I could remember more... but that's all I've got and I've clung so tightly to it over all these years... 
 
There's been too many losses in a short space of time, and lost hope gone out the window along with the loss off trust in people and life again...
 
I just needed to release this into the Universe, because it's too hard to hold alone inside.
 
Last night, still feeling very sad after a day alone with my thoughts of my Greek mother, I wrote two poems before switching off my light and going to sleep.  I just remembered I’d done those this afternoon and went to find the pad that I’d written on next to my bed.  I could not even remember what I’d written before I read over them now… I guess I just needed to unload last night, so that I could sleep.  For some reason writing helps me so much to unload some of the internal weight of burdens… once they are out, I feel they are safely stored, and I am lighter inside as a result.
 
SHINING GOLD
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
You’re looking for something to judge her for
Because it’s easier than trying to understand
You’d rather step out of the picture
Than take her by the hand
To help her come back from that desolate place
Where she gets lost again and again
You’d rather judge and reject
Than help her through her pain
 
And so, she drifts even further
Until the fog manages to block out your light
And once she’s gone that far away
There’s nothing left to fight
It’s almost completely over now
Soon THE NOTHING will be all that’s left
Numbness will stop the aching
Of her heart that is now so bereft
 
Don’t try to call her back
Once THE NOTHING has taken its’ hold
For all that’s left will be pitch darkness
Where there used to be Shining Gold.
 
~ Panayiota
(25 February 2019)

UNTIL HER GRAVE
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
The only time I ever really knew my daddy
Was when I was a little child
Where so often I dreamed he’d rescue me
From my mother vicious and wild
 
But he lived too far away
And never came to save
And the little girl inside of me
Will keep on longing until her grave
 
~ Panayiota
(25 February 2019)
 
 
On Saturday 23rd, my lovely daughter took me to visit my dad, but because my trust is so broken at this time and the distance keeps growing between my family and I, I felt quite uncomfortable there… even though they were being kind… I did not feel as though I belonged anymore.  My dad didn’t know that… I believe that he still loves me, but it’s a difficult situation for me, because I feel his love on the level of my inner Patty… daddy loves Patty still, just like many years ago when Patty and her sister used to go visit him and Greek mommy on our school holidays.  The only problem now, is that daddy can’t hear anymore.  I can’t speak to him and get to know him in the way that an adult child would know their dad… my adult relationship with him feels foreign… I’m too shy to battle to get him to hear and understand what I’m saying… so I sat quietly like a pumpkin and felt like a fool there were everyone would have expectations of me… Without the expectations, I would be happy and relaxed, just to be sitting quietly in the presence of my dad… to be with him more on the spiritual level that my heart really desires these days.  My daughter chatted with him occasionally, also with difficulty, but she’s a whole lot bolder than I am…
 
I FEEL LIKE I REALLY AM AN ALIEN!  I DO NOT BELONG!
 
Then when the rest of the family arrived home, everyone chatted over my dad… and he just sat there like a pumpkin… HUMPH!  I wondered how he feels, not being able to be a part of conversations because of his deafness…  
 
BLESSINGS FROM HEAVEN
Literally moments after I arrived home from visiting my dad, (feeling a widening of the hole in my soul), I received two WhatsApp messages that were quite unexpected, and worded as if the senders knew exactly how I was feeling in that moment in time.  The messages were from two people who I had not heard from in some time… amazingly two Jewish friends again.  Their messages convinced and reminded me that I am indeed being watched over, and I am loved.
 
The first which came with a most wonderful video, was from my mentor.  She wrote:
“Shabbat Shalom, dearest Pan.  Sometimes and so many times our lives are shattered by the cruelty and lovelessness of others” 
 
I was confused as to why she said that without knowing what I was going through on the day.  I thought maybe there was something wrong on her side, but she assured me all was well, other than, cold sniffles.
 
If I can ever find the link for that video, I will share it here.  But as I have been unable to find the link so far, I will post the video on my Patty’s Keys Facebook page if anyone would like to go see it there.
 
Then the second special WhatsApp came almost immediately after from one of our dear Logotherapy students who I also haven’t spoken to in ages… he wrote:
 
“Pan, I heard about your sister and I wanted to wish you long life.  Stay strong, you are the backbone of the whole institute.  We need you more than you know.”
 
Now, I’m not so sure about being the backbone of our Logotherapy institute, but his words at that exact time were such a blessing to me and so uplifting…  That he felt this way about the work I do and me… I felt overwhelmed with gratitude to him and to Heaven.
 
 
Nevertheless, I still felt rather anxious for the rest of the day, and on the way to pick up my son in the evening around 19h30, I honestly felt really afraid.  The roads are mostly not lit up well and there were very few cars.  There are a few turns just before my son’s workplace that I find particularly isolated, dark and scary.  As I took the first turn, I noticed through the corner of my eyes, two men standing back, almost as if hiding in a bushy dark area and dressed in dark clothing… I turned the corner really fast so that if a hijacking was planned, I’d be moving too fast and hopefully be saved… but as I took the corner, I noticed that a white car was parked diagonally across the lane I was in, and another man dressed in dark clothing walking around the back of the car towards the side I was taking over on… I took over so fast, fear gripping me to the very core!!!  I have not had that kind of fright in a long time.  I hate that I have to keep travelling that scary road alone so often at night!  When I arrived at the shop, I walked over to the security car that sits there at closing times and told the man inside the car what had happened and asked if someone could go make sure that it was safe there.  The man drove off immediately, and when he returned, he let me know that the two people in the bushes were waiting for a lift, and the police had also already been to where the car was parked, and it was only a break down… he said that it was a man with his wife and baby in the car.  So, it wasn’t some big scary hijacking plot after all, but it could easily have been… and I was scared half to death by it!  I literally felt physically ill for a good time afterwards and could hardly hold my head up in the car while I waited for my son to lock up shop and come.  He bought me a sugar free chocolate that did help a bit… eating when things go wrong seems to be my comfort thing!  Best tasting chocolate ever!
 

I would soon like to share with my readers here, one of my 23 metaphorical therapy stories that I wrote during my therapy journey about visiting my Greek family when I was a child.  I hope to post it soon… it is one that is really close to my heart and wish to post it in honour of her.
 
​
My dear friend Dana just sent me this picture she’d put together of my Greek mom and I… she says we look alike.  I remember my niece saying the same soon after my Greek mom passed away and one of my students said it recently also when she saw a picture of her.  It means so much to me that anyone would think so… Heaven is so kind.  (My Greek mom's name is Efimia)

Here is a most beautiful story called “A Mother’s Walk” (not written by me), that I kind of dedicated to my Greek mom after she had passed away:  https://llerrah.com/amotherswalk.htm
 
Thank you for sharing with me
 
~ Panayiota

Shared with Helen’s permission
 
This friendship celebration video popped up on Facebook last Wednesday and Helen and I shared a very special moment as a result
 
Helen
We almost go back a whole lifetime 😊❤x
 
Panayiota
Yes, my dear BFF, Helen... it feels like a whole lifetime to me also that we have been friends... I lost most of my memories from before and while we were BFF's in high school...
 
YOUR precious name “Helen Henderson” was literally the only treasure I still held in my heart from that time onward. And, even though I didn't remember who you were (I remember how hard that was for you when we met up again... you had to fill in all the blanks of our beautiful nerdy-innocent-giggling friendship and past together as best friends in High School) ... I never let your name go and was so blessed that we found each other so many years later here on Facebook when I was going through intensive therapy and needed to find out who belonged to that precious name that stayed with me for so long... that seemed to be connected to something GOOD... someone LOVED... and someone who must have LOVED and BELIEVED in me.
 
I'm so grateful you filled me in on the beautiful and very strong and meaningful friendship we had during those years that my little sister and I suffered such terrible abuse, not only inflicted by our mother during our early childhood onward... (emotional and physical), but also at the cruel hands of our stepfather, which you were able to confirm for us, because of things we'd shared with you way back then. (regularly molested, raped and beaten) My sister does not remember her portion of the abuse, other than some of what our mother had done to us and that our step-father's brother... about the same age as us… maybe a year older if I remember right, had raped her in a very scary and suffocating water drain near our house.
 
It was in my 50's that YOU dearest Helen, turned the LIGHT of my life back on, by illuminating what was actually GOOD in my life during that nightmare time during our adolescence when we knew each other... YOU were that life-enhancing GOOD I had never let go of.
 
That's why I remembered your name when all else has been blocked from my memory as a result of the abuse.
 
THANK YOU FOR BEING MY BEST FRIEND BACK THEN, AND FOR REMEMBERING ME!
 
BEST FRIENDS FOREVER!!!!
 
Helen
Thank you for your beautiful posting dear Panny-pie ❤. Yes, I remember all the fun we had together and most of all the laughter! I am glad you confided in me when we are at school and I was able to remind you that you told me of the abuse by your Stepfather. You never mentioned your mother abusing you though and it's only since we reconnected on Facebook that you told me the rest. You have climbed mountains since then my dear friend and from here on the world is your Oyster. Onwards and upwards 😊😊😊❤. Friends forever. Love ya ❤🌻🌼xxx
 
Panayiota
Bless you for being one of the greatest joys and healing strengths and loves of my adult life... you will always be in my heart and I'm so glad we were able to reconnect and catch up on so much of all that was lost... and what was so preciously kept so locked up somewhere deep inside of me.  
 
NOBODY... not even my mother or stepfather could completely obliterate my lovely memory of you which I held sacred in your name... I still had your precious name, even though they succeeded in taking so much of everything else away from me and even stole your face from my memory... I will always love you my dear, lovely FOREVER friend ❤ Have a beautiful day ❤
 
Helen
Bless you my dear friend. Friends forever. Have a beautiful day ❤x