The incident I shared on a Facebook post on the 22nd (below), was the 4th deeply painful experience I’d had since my son and family left for England… that being the 1st… the absence of part of my family, I don’t think I could easily recover from.
 
2nd ~ Still in that mourning process, I then lost my comforting connection with my church because they could not recognise or acknowledge my mourning state of mind and expected too much from me too soon; I was not able to satisfy their wants and needs and that resulted in judgement and added loss. 
 
“Most people don’t come to church looking merely for a few new gospel facts.  They come seeking a spiritual experience… They want their faith fortified and their hope renewed” (Elder Holland, 1998, 26) ~ A Teacher Come from God
 
“Christians are intolerant, if not prejudiced, against individuals with emotional difficulties.  Most view all such problems as due to personal sin.  Some well-known Christian authors have further fueled the fires of stigma and judgement towards those suffering with emotional illness.” (Carlson, 1994, p.9) ~ Why Do Christians Shoot Their Wounded?
 
"When we come to it
We, this people, on this wayward, floating body
Created on this earth, of this earth
Have the power to fashion for this earth
A climate where every man and every woman
Can live freely without sanctimonious piety
Without crippling fear.” ~ Maya Angelou, A Brave and Startling Truth
 
3rd ~ Shortly after, I had to face another sad loss, but this time, it manifested into a loss of trust in a connection that I thought was perfect and could never be broken in any way.  Once again, I was fooled by my own fantasy-grasping for perfection in my life… What was worse for me, was that I could not understand why this separation happened. I could not work out anything I’d done or said wrong… there were no answers… no reasoning… it just happened and left a deeply painful hole in my soul, because I felt like nothing could ever be that perfect there ever again.  It shattered me.
 
4th ~ None of these losses had been resolved in my heart or mind when the 4th wave hit!  I write about it below and have hesitated greatly as to weather to share my thoughts and feelings or not… to give myself a voice.  But, because I do think there is a lesson to be learned in all of this for people like myself… people who LOVE TOO MUCH! I am compelled to share:
 
22April 2022, I wrote on FB.
 
Have you ever had something (or someone/s) that hurts so much... (The deepest kind of hurt imaginable... the kind that leaves you feeling totally rejected... excluded... invisible... the kind that reminds you that you NEVER WERE... that you totally fooled yourself into believing you WERE) the kind... BORN OUT OF YOUR DEEPEST KIND OF LOVE... that hurts so much that it tears at your very soul and tries to kill off your spirit... the kind that hurts so much that it's no longer worth trying to hold onto... so you are ready to let it go completely and forever, because it hurts more to keep than it will to hurt to let it go? And when you do let go, you KNOW that you will be the one accused of being BAD... EVIL... POSESSED BY DEVILS... etc. because nobody can possibly understand the reality of your pain or your desperate lifelong childhood longings and needs (for LOVE-perfection) that have never been fulfilled...
 
To be included... a part of... TO BELONG...!
 
I'M READY TO LET GO COMPLETELY!
 
There will be no turning back on that day... NONE!
 
COMMENTS:
 
Diana
This picture really defines it all Pani~Petal.. the sun always shines again tomorrow... tomorrow might not be in a few hours after today... it can be after a few tomorrows. Yes, I have been there a few times in my life. Once almost never saw the sun shine ever again... but I survived and two minutes later my sun shone again… I have never forgotten that moment and when I am in my darkest moments, I remember that my sun will shine again… and it does! Just endure and hold fast to the rod. He is there... stay strong and know that He has a plan for you. He always has. Trust Him. HEAR HIM... LISTEN.
I LOVE YOU MY PRECIOUS FRIEND AND AM HERE FOR YOU ❤
 
Panayiota (a few hours later)
I'll come back to this post later... I feel I need to back away from it for now... sometimes if I say too much in the moment... I SAY TOO MUCH and have to live to regret it afterwards, or my words cause me much more pain, because so many others just don't understand and can't even if they wanted to... so doing my best to stay busy and calm and I'm just so grateful that I am not alone... YOU are here and I am so grateful for YOU ❤ Thanks with all my heart ❤
 
Panayiota (a few days later)
Ah, bless you my dearest Diana... I'm so sorry it took me a while to get back to you. The depth of pain at the time was so intense, that I was ready to let it all go, just so that I would never have to feel that intensity of pain again... I've felt it so many times before. And yes... 'tomorrow', the sun shone so warm and beautifully again... it always does, so it's during those darker times that we need to remind ourselves by remembering that the sun always shines again eventually. I love you and sending you BIG HUGS... thank you for your beautiful message... ❤ ❤ ❤
 
Panayiota
You reminded me of this poem I once wrote:
 
THE SUN ALWAYS SHINES FOR EVERYONE
© All rights reserved
Yes, it is true – The sun always shines for everyone,
And not just a privileged few,
There’s not a soul who can escape its lovely light,
Unless ‘they themselves choose’ the darkness of night.
The sun does not shine only for selected souls,
But on all who bask in its warmth,
The rich and the poor, the dirty and clean,
The sinner, the kind and the mean.
Clouds often block out the light of day,
And at night we might not even see stars,
But the sun still shines for all and never goes out,
Whether one’s an atheist or Christian devout.
And so it is that our great God of Love,
Wrapped us in His Eternal Embrace,
By sending His One and Only Begotten Son,
Who’s Light Shines continuously for everyone.
And each of us chooses the way we will go,
And each the warmth we receive,
Each chooses the amount of light we’ll let in,
As each chooses their measure of sin.
For His Light never dims or goes away,
Just as the sun always shines in the sky,
And we each can choose to bask in His life-giving light,
Or we can choose the bleak darkness of eternal night.
A person’s intelligence makes no difference,
Or whether they’re weak or strong,
It’s not for us to decides one’s worth,
Or judge a person by status, creed or birth.
To Him, we’re no better or worse than the man next door
Whether we worship in a cathedral or barn,
The light always shines for everyone –
Praise God for His All-Loving Son.
~ Panayiota Ryall
(09 September 2008)
 
Panayiota
I think that some of us LOVE TOO MUCH... hence we also HURT TOO MUCH from time to time when we don't feel the love that WE NEED being reciprocated at the same level of our need and our LOVE for the other. I have found that this is where I have to exercise and draw on my emotional intelligence... because the truth is, that those that don't know what it's like to love too much, will NEVER be able to understand the DEPTH OF THE PAIN-STRUGGLE that comes without their love, or the LIFELONG NEED for such LOVE... (my struggle is a very lonely struggle... and the depth of that ALONENESS in the LONGINGS can be totally unbearable at times)
 
Panayiota
In case anyone is confused... this post was about a family-crisis struggle... NOT the recent church struggle... although both go hand in hand and so do my emotions re: both of them... but for now, the family anguish struggle has settled and the situation is bearable again... feeling (or just settling for) the much needed LOVE and CONNECTION again ❤ I actually set the "Friends Except" on this post, so as not to hurt my extended family with my emotions born out of... loving and needing them too much... loneliness... being alone... feeling alone... and therefore feeling left out... not belonging... The story of my life!!!
 
Veronica
I hear you, my friend. We give too much of ourselves and get hurt in the process. It's pretty soul destroying at times but we just get on with it. God doesn't sleep ❤
 
Panayiota
Thank you dearest Vee... I don't know that I give too much... but I definitely do love too much. There's always that part of the family that do all the giving, because they have all the money and they seem to only value that kind of giving and those who can give back to them in that way... I have nothing much to give that would make them value me at the level of their needs... My HEART-LOVE seems to be meaningless and of little value to them... my pain is in coming to the truth that it never was and never will be... we came from two different worlds... mine of total insecurity and longing, and theirs of total security and being valued with monetary gifts... they don't need me like I have always desperately needed them to fully embrace and accept me and belonging to them, and I have to learn to understand that, and where they are coming from and accept it that they will never be able to fully accept me at the level of my deepest need😭I have to come to the acceptance and understanding, that it is not them that are at fault... but MY DESPERATE NEED FOR THEIR LOVE that creates this dilemma because how are they expected to understand... when they have never been me or lived my life?
 
Cheryl
I have learnt that even though it’s so painful, the letting go opens up potentiometer for me to heal and to progress. The holding on to hurt keeps me stuck. 💕💕 There is sunshine, beauty and joy on the other side of letting go! Love the pic, I see it as both a sun rising on a new day and the sun setting on the past
 
Panayiota
Oh, how I love you... letting go will be truly very painful for me... yet for the sake of my mental wellbeing, could be exactly as you said... but there's always that bit I keep settling for... the bits that remain for me to cherish and hold onto, rather than the thought of THE NOTHING without them... without the HOPE IN THEIR LOVE to still reach me one day, and... yes... and THAT FANTACY I grew up with... I might share a WhatsApp conversation I had with a colleague so you can understand a bit better... and even my metaphorical story... Escape from the Violent Storms... The childhood needs and longings for their UNCONDITIONAL LOVE became set on FAR TOO DEEP... letting go would be like a death for me... yet it might be the only way for me to truly heal... and there's another SILENCED story there from my childhood that is keeping me from finishing my book... SILENCED, because I love them so much, I don't want to hurt any of them by revealing it... yet my book will never be completed without that story also included in it! AARGH! In the meantime, the reality is breaking me! The most PAINFUL reality and truth is... that I have never been them or lived their lives either! So... do I STOP loving because of this reality... or do I just keep on loving them with the purity of my child-spirit that this terrible NEED stemmed from in the first place... fully accepting the pain that comes with it... or do I come to a place where I KNOW, that I can't do it anymore... because it's KILLING ME... ??? A decision only I can come to in the end and it will all depend on how much more of the feelings of THE NOTHING (as in... THE NEVER-ENDING STORY) ... I can continue to live with and bear.
 
An open poem to a closed mind
 
when you hate
someone
because they are
different than you
then you are unknowingly hating on
the very Architect of Creation itself
to rage against a color
you have never seen before
because its exotic
tincture offends
your orthodox eyes
suggests that you believe
the Divine Artist is worried
about what you think
did the first burst of
cosmic energy care
about its critics when
it began to paint life
across the constantly
unfolding canvas of
the known universe?
hell no
it just wildly created
this delicate masterpiece
of endless fire, orchestrated chaos
and a trillion or so wobbling worlds
like a Michelangelo made out of an
army of swarming angels
every inch of everything
that exists is a unique piece
of abstract splatter art
so, if God was so
unrestrained when
it came to creating
the stretching forever
kingdom of stars
it makes sense
that God was even
more uninhibited when
it came to how we
were made
each of us are a wow sculpture of
unbridled never-seen-before genius
who are you
to decide how
The Everlasting Potter
molds their art?
get over your fear
of people who
look
live
pray
love
believe
differently than you do
because the more you hide
from what is foreign to you
the more you hide from
the miracle of this existence
you only get to ride this
skin and bone rollercoaster
for so long
quit closing your eyes
stare into the swirl
because that’s where God’s
most profound artwork is
hurry up
open your eyes
you’re missing it
open your eyes
hurry up
and once you do
you will see it
the relentless power
of creation
oh, and how you’ll gasp
when you finally see it
 
~ John Roede
 
Conclusion to this post, written in a conversation with my mentor, Teria Shantall last week:
 
Teria
And as for your “problem” with your … family: thank you!  You have made me realise that our irritation and problem with others are because we do not accept them for who they are and cannot else but be.  It is therefore truly our own problem, not theirs!
 
Panayiota
Yes, Just as I wish they would understand and accept me for who I am and all that I need from them… I too have to try to understand them… We all need to learn the fine art of meeting each other exactly where we are… We don’t have to agree with the behaviours, etc. of others, but we should at least accept that it is where and who they are there and then… There would be a lot more peace and less war (internal and external) if we could just get this right…
 
I’m working on what I have come to know because I really can’t bear the pain of desperately wanting what cannot be.
 
Another Logotherapy colleague, Marylyn, wrote via WhatsApp
It was absolutely wonderful to have a share this Monday morning… and I heard you dearest Pan… The ‘in spite of’ is your biggest internal strength… in spite of all those feelings of being unloved… you love… and this is your remarkable gift and it makes it all the more precious ❤
 
Thank you so much to all who have given me this space to express and release my struggles... I am so grateful to those who take the time to read, listen, hear and still LOVE ❤
 
~ Panayiota.

Something I shared with friends on Facebook yesterday
A picture of me as a baby with my toy lamb... quite a significant picture for me (the lamb is a symbol of innocence, purity, etc).... because who knew that this little girl was going to grow up experiencing a lifetime of abuses and judgements, etc., against her, yet... I'm proud of her, because no matter what she has had to go through, she has never given up on her life and her LOVE has grown stronger and stronger through all her days that she experienced so little in return.

I am grateful for all of you who have never given up on me and have shared your genuine love with me. You have helped me on my life's quest for healing and for greater LOVE in this world... starting with the family and from there reaching out to the world... LOVE... if not received, then at least given wherever we possibly can.

May I never fail on my quest and if and when I do (I do at times), to always endeavor to make it right again by my thoughts, deeds, words and actions.

Sending my LOVE to you all. May your Passover/Easter time be a very blessed one and bring you ever closer to those you love and those you should love regardless of race, colour, creed, status, geographical location, etc.

I think that's the message that 'Little Patty' would love to share with you all this Passover/Easter

And this is how the conversation went, in private, with another friend on Facebook today when we were discussing a Zoom meeting I might attend tomorrow.

Me: ...Family always comes first... ❤

Njabulo: Cool stuff, for sure family come first. I wish we could all have that mindset 🙏🏽😊

Me: I also wish all families could have the same mindset. I feel so sad when certain family members don't support groups pages at all, because they say they are too busy. Nobody should ever be too busy for family! You could mute conversations until you have time, then quickly make some kind of response to show your presence... but ignoring family, especially family that love you and wish you were more present every day, can be so painful! Just saying.

Njabulo: That is touching.  Nowadays we value people from outside, their voice carries much more wisdom and guidance as compared to our very own DNA. Time spent outside the family is much more valued. Peace is far fetched from many of our families. We have serious work to do to restore our families. Even those who make it and become successful group themselves amongst others who are better and forget where they come from.

Me: Exactly!  If we don't get it right in our families, then we don't get it right in the world... and that's why the world is falling apart already... families are forgotten... when families are supposed to be forever! 

Same with church families. For me, they go hand in hand.  When one is hurting, the other one hurts too, because the one always holds up a mirror to the other... a mirror reflecting what is meant to be, what should be, but so seldom is... This is why I believe that I DON'T BELONG here... but I live on. 

When the pain becomes too much, I remove myself from it for a time... maybe forever... but somehow, I can never let go of my hope and belief in my DNA family... so I just keep holding on and have learned to receive whatever they each have to offer, regardless of my longings for more from some of them where I feel there's a lacking of their love for me or need for me in their lives... 

Of course, I'm posting this today... Easter Saturday... a rainy, miserable, cold, dark day... as I sit alone in my house... the hours are ticking by very slowly... I have my two little dogs, but they are so cold, they are staying warmly wrapped up and asleep today.  So... I am mostly alone.  TV and the world inside of my computer are my company today as was the beautiful dove that sat on the wall outside my window this morning.  It has to be enough.  I am grateful for some work that came in that I needed to see to, and a call from my beloved daughter inviting me out on Monday... YAY! Something to look forward to always helps me to breathe better... and the occasional WhatsApp contact with my youngest son who is working all weekend... and my sister on the other side of the world. Blessed moments in time which I grasp to my heart for all that they are worth... and they are indeed worth very much to me... especially on days like this ❤

Patty wonders about tomorrow's Easter eggs that she is quite sure isn't going to happen... the Easter Bunny wont be passing this way in the rain! But my littlest sister has already mentioned our Greek Easter cooking day that is planned for next week... so that's something to really look forward to... Family tradition is also important and wonderful!  I love baking flaounies with my littlest sister... I wish our middle sister Shev was there too. That would be absolute sister-time perfection!  I can just imagine our conversation and the laughter.  Shev has a way of making me belly laugh... a lot! Just thinking about her wonderful humour and ways makes me smile!  I love my sisters so much! 

I think about what a blessing it is for people who have other people with them on days like this.  Do they have any idea how blessed they are?  To see another face... feel another presence nearby... hear a voice from time to time.  

I HAVE FRIENDS IN HEAVEN... I feel them close by, but it's not quite the same as a physical presence on eerie, lonely, dark, long-long days like today.

Connection is so important for someone like me... I'll go watch a movie just now... that will eat up some of the hours... and there's still dishes to wash and some washing to hang indoors... I loathe the humdrumness of housework, but I have to do it whether I like it or not!  I DON'T LIKE IT AT ALL! But it has to be done!  I wish I could find time to paint rather... but taking out all the paint stuff means less time to stay on top of the housework and more mess to clean up eventually!  ARRRGH! 

NOTE: A friend has let me know that they are unable to react to these Blog posts... so I'll need to ask Weebly to sort that out sometime.  My computer is giving me problems too, so it might be something to do with that... ??? I keep getting promises of help with my computer, but they don't happen... HUMPH!... My work place is considering getting me a new one... I might have to take them up on that.

Thank you for sharing some of the slow-ticking time with me today.

~ Panayiota

Isn't it amazing how just the right thing always pops up at just the right time!  Incredible ❤
 
This is so fitting to me right now as I have pushed so much of the world away during a difficult time where trust has been shattered again and rejection feels strong...
 
I even deleted 71 Facebook friends the day before yesterday... some I don't trust anymore... why did they friend me in the first place... what was their ulterior motive... some who friended me, I don't know and no longer feel I should be sharing so openly with as strangers... in case they see my posts and eventually add themselves to the judgement group... some I don't want to hurt or confuse with my posts... some... can just stay for now...
 
Then the ones that are remaining... some of the best people in the world... people I feel I can still trust... or, just people I don't want to hurt by deleting...
 
This kind of withdrawal from the world and self-isolation to stay safe and away from hurt is a pattern I've entered many times in my past, and... only by being able to reestablish my trust and belief in their LOVE again will that help to bring me back from this distant place...
 
But once trust is damaged, it's very hard to find it again...
 
One day everything was so beautiful and nothing could ever go wrong... there was peace and joy... and the next day... it all went wrong and there were no answers and my voice was taken away again... and the judgements grew stronger than ever... because everyone felt they already had the ONLY answers, so they weren't listening anymore... their hearts had closed to me as they magnified their own stories and beliefs against me...
 
And the worst judgements of all in my opinion, are from those who should really be loving their fellow man…I’m especially agitated by the judgmental, “Missed you at church today” messages that leave me cold and push me ever further away!  Every Sunday, to receive a message that looks innocent and dressed as caring, but is often loaded with judgements, insults, fire and brimstone threats and/or condemnation and guilt trips…
 
My mother was the estate agent for guilt trips… I am very sensitive to them and recognise them immediately… There is no love in this kind of treatment…
 
I have bought myself a book a while ago which I intend to study, so that I can help myself and others who are going through what I am going through as a result of religious trauma syndrome which has been inflicted on me by dogmatic religious fanatics over the years.  The book is called: “Why Do Christians Shoot Their Wounded?” – Helping, (not hurting) those with emotional difficulties – by Dwight L. Carlson, M.D.  So far, I am very impressed with the views of this writer.  I hope to help others like myself, not to become so angry with religion, that they forget their connection with their God and Heaven because they have been so hurt by the religions of this world that see mental illness, anxiety, fear, tears, outbursts, suffering, etc., as a sin and therefore are not qualified or able to assist their suffering with healing… instead filling them with guilt… punishing them, shunning them, pushing them aside as sinners and isolating them from much needed understanding and love… adding to the damage that already exists for such sufferers.  Nobody should have that much power over anybody’s emotional well being or soul, except God Himself. 
 
I love this post below and I'm so glad it popped up today... it says it all ❤ ❤ ❤
 
"You can’t lose real friends; they just won’t go." ~ Donna Ashworth
 
This is what popped up on Facebook today:
 
REAL FRIENDS CAN’T BE LOST
You cannot lose real friends.
You just can’t.
They won’t go, no matter how hard you push them away when you are not yourself.
They will wait
and wait
and wait,
until they see a tiny glimmer of your light breaking through
and back they will come with open arms.
Your real friends are still there.
And if they feel lost to you right now,
perhaps it’s because they are lost to themselves.
Just wait
and wait
and wait,
then knock on that door,
reach in, just in case they can’t reach out.
And do it again until they answer.
If you are feeling sad about the people you have ‘lost’ along the way my friend, don’t.
They were never yours to keep.
The real ones don’t need to be earned, or appeased, or coaxed.
They are in it for the long haul and for all the right reasons.
And each of those friends is worth a dozen fair-weather,
so count your lucky stars if you have one.
Keep your circle small but let its light be mighty.
You can’t lose real friends, they just won’t go.
 
~ Donna Ashworth
 
From ‘the right words’: https://www.amazon.co.uk/.../ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp...
 
Just yesterday, I wrote to a friend via email in response to her very caring email-comment on my last blog post: 
 
Friends email
Dear Pan, I’m reading your post, and I Can understand how you feel when you are down, cause I have had similar thoughts when things aren’t going well… I’m suffering pain, from 3 years ago, it’s exhausting, when I’m in pain crisis I think exactly like you, but there is always God love touching my soul and showing me in many other ways how important I am for him and how much he loves me…  if you want to talk, send you my telephone number … will be a pleasure to have the opportunity to talk, let me tell you, you aren’t alone! And you are very loved and smart person! I really admire you!
Sending you many hugs! 
 
My response
Please forgive me for a late response.  I don't know why I struggled so much to come back to you.  The place I find myself in is not the best.  I'm in a place where I'm blocking the whole world out... church, family and even 71 Facebook friends who I deleted the day before last, because I didn't feel a close connection to some (Why were they even there?  Why did they Friend me in the first place?  Who are some of them anyway?), felt some were just there to spy and judge, and others I deleted, because I felt that my posts might be hurtful to them or members of their family who I care about, who they might talk about my posts to.  There were others I very much wanted to delete, because they are too connected to others who have hurt me, but didn't want to hurt them by doing so, (because I love them).
 
Work has been extra busy this week and the days flew by, but besides that, I've also been feeling very distant and detached.  I pop into Facebook every day just for connection with those (among the rest), who I feel I can still trust, but don't stay for too long each time... trying hard not to impose my own pain on them... slipping up badly sometimes when my pain is really deep and I need just ONE person to hear. Having a voice to express my truths helps to relieve some of the pressure build-up, but always trying hard not to share too much there! 
 
Logotherapy has taught me that I have to find safer and less passive-aggressive ways to say what I want to say so that I can still have a voice... more thoughtful ways... a kinder voice. 
 
(I keep reminding myself and trying hard to express myself better… not from my very hurt adolescent personality… very few can hear Patricia's pain, and those who hurt Patricia most and trigger her voice, end up hating and rejecting her… so I should never allow her to speak… most of the world is deaf to her, and she is invisible to most of the world.  Very few can hear or see her presence in me… fewer can accept her… and even less are able to love her as I do)
 
It hurts to imagine you in so much pain like that.   You are such a beautiful young woman doing such wonderful works in the service of other sufferers.  I am also struggling with pain all the time, but mine is related more to arthritis/gout and very much connected psychosomatically.  The more I struggle emotionally, the more pain I seem to have. I've struggled with aches and pains since I was a little girl, and thankfully, since Logotherapy found me in my 50's, I have been so much better... but, since covid and recent deeply emotional struggles and once again feeling like I don't belong... feeling rejected and pushed aside... and not having the answers to the "Why?"... I am once again struggling for my "How?"... yet... somehow, I just keep pushing forward... I become numb to my pain, but sadly also to the world around me... Some things never change, so there's no fighting it anymore... Rejection and painful loss seems inevitable and ordained for my life, and it is for me to keep rising up against all the negatives and hurts, and to just keep pushing forward with my mission in life.
 
There is much wisdom in the words of Nietzsche: "He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how." (Frankl, 2008, p. 109) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning
 
A very dear Logotherapy friend who I have not chatted to in some time and who, as far as I know, doesn’t know the details of my struggle at this time, posted this picture quote below and wrote the following for me on 29th March as if he knew exactly what I was going through… 
 
“Entirely relevant to what you are going through Pan. You have given so much to so many people. You are hugely valued and those of us who are fortunate enough to count you as a friend are immensely grateful. Remember that we are all unique and we all have a gift that we share with those around us. You are very special and very loved.” ~  Graham

​Thank you.
 
~ Panayiota

Added: 4 April 22

This applies very much also to many survivors of child abuse:

"Changing the information processing

Children who are subject to chronic abuse are forced to train focus away from language and verbal content toward non-verbal, danger related cues such as body language, tone of voice, facial expressions and so forth. This type of processing facilitates a quick response to danger, but occurs at the expense of abstract reasoning and the use of language and ideas. Such children are hyper vigilant and are often misdiagnosed as having Attention deficit disorder (Naparstek 2006:85)" ~ from the theses of (Wade 2009:163)

Things have been looking pretty bleak for me for a few weeks now... feeling detached from my world again... not belonging... and it was all coming to a head by this weekend... the booster shot didn't help one bit!  Nor does the NEWS of war in the world at a time when we are still reeling from the covid pandemic... and now this war is causing the cost of living to soar, so there's a deep sense of insecurity and hopelessness for me... Even if I finish writing my book now, will people have money to buy it? etc. 

I've been so down, that I've even entertained suicidal thoughts again... my dog would have to go with me, we are so attached.  Who would love her as much as I do?  Who would understand her weird personality? She was also severely abused, so we understand each other?  We love each other very much...

But, I know I'd never do it. My sense of responsibility towards others who I'd leave behind is far too strong!

Then, on Sunday, early morning I prayed a very desperate prayers for reassurance of love and belonging in this world, and I prayed that I would receive that LOVE, especially from family... specifically my children... They do contact me regularly, but there are times when my need for reminders and reassurance is much deeper than usual...

(I have come to believe that 'reassurance of love' is a constant need of adult survivors of severe child abuse. If you say that you love me today, it does not mean that tomorrow when my sense of self worth and belonging is shattered again for one reason or another, or I've heard bad news [such as the unsettling news of the Russian/Ukrainian war causing flashback fears to return, and real pain for those innocent affected on both sides, and the whole world, etc.,] that I am able to still believe that I am loved... it doesn't work that way at all...

How many times did my own mother tell me in one moment that she loved me, and in the very next moment, she was beating the living *h"#! out of me, and telling me I was a good for nothing useless idiot! Totally unworthy of her love!

What the abused child needed most, but was utterly deprived of remains a lifelong, daily yearning, that continues to haunt and destroy one's self-concept, self-belief, worldview, sense of peace and safety, etc. etc. etc. even into adulthood... it cannot be healed or FIXED by anyone OUT THERE in this world, it can only be understood and the affected person helped in that way! Understanding that ONLY I can work my way towards my own healing, and that your unchanging, enduring LOVE could go a long way towards making my way easier. Feeling sorry for me WON'T work!

BELIEVING IN ME WILL!!!)

That same day I prayed, all of my children contacted me in one way or another, and their contact felt reassuring, sincere and loving, which is exactly what I needed, so, I KNEW that my prayer had been answered. My youngest son was working all day and three times he just sent, "I love you"... that's really unusual for him to do, so he had to have been inspired by Heaven.

Just KNOWING my prayer had been answered is a TRUE BLESSING, because again, I feel watched over by Heaven, protected, LOVED... I am NOT alone in this world.

Sunday morning, my beautiful niece sent me a picture of my great-niece and that was so precious... I loved that she through to share with me just then.

Sunday afternoon I attended a Logotherapy inspired Zoom meeting, and that was also so uplifting and strengthening for me. I love spending time with my Logotherapy Family.

On Monday, I get a message from my daughter-in-law to say that a surprise is coming at around midday... They knew that Andrew and I had not been 100% after the booster vaccine last week and wanted to make sure we received a treat to make us feel better... THAT WAS LOVE, because it was so unexpected and really did feel so good... A BIT LIKE A LOVELY WARM HUG. They also video called me and shared my grandchildren's first day at their new Far-Far Away school with me... it was so good to see them all. My daughter in law took me on a tour of their new home which was wonderful!

We really wanted to go out visiting family on Monday, which was a public holiday here, but the rain prevented it! The dogs wouldn't have enjoyed visiting in the rain, or being locked up inside while we were out. It was a LOOONG dragged out, grey, drizzly, cold day for my youngest son and I.

Yesterday, even though the effects of the booster shot seemed to have left at last, for some unearthly reason, I was really down. Felt so heavy hearted all day long... a tad weepy, very weak and drained, detached, and like there was no oxygen. No energy to do anything much!

Later in the day, my two dear church friends arrived, also, unexpectedly, with a gift of treats for Andrew and I... how lovely was that?

Another dear Logotherapy friend, WhatsApped me yesterday afternoon, and we had a lovely conversation that helped to lift some of the load... I started to feel a bit more energized after spending time with her in conversation... she is someone who DOES understand so much We hadn't been in contact for a while, so again... an unexpected blessing.

And always, there's my stalwart, wonderful, faithful Facebook friends... I can always find a place of belonging and peace there.

So yes... I can confidently say that I have received, in absolute abundance, the reassurance I prayed so hard for on Sunday morning.

AND I AM SO GRATEFUL!

Today I have woken up rejuvenated... almost all is kind-of-good in my world again... Heaven LOVES me still... I KNOW without doubt that I have friends in Heaven, and I am grateful for the reassurance of LOVE still to be found in this world. I managed to get so much done already this morning... even some long over due stuff.  My youngest son has been reasonably helpful on his two days off... he goes back to work today... his help has made all the difference also. This morning, he chopped all the garden mint off again, so I can now wash that huge washing basket full and get it dried... BIG JOB... but someone has to do it. I keep thinking that not only do we eat a lot of mint in our meals, but it can also be used for tea during tough times, so going to all the trouble to dry it in bulk may prove a real gift for our lives one day.
​
(I know I keep posting the Hillman quote below, but it's very meaningful to me)

Thank you for being with me today.

~ Panayiota

P.s. Added 25th March - Just before I fell asleep last night, I noticed a notebook lying against the cupboard on the carpet next to my bed.  I picked it up and saw I'd scrawled a new poem on it.  I vaguely remember writing the poem one night... like a far distant memory.  I think it belongs here so I'm adding it now.

BUBBLE WRAP
© All rights reserved
 
So much pain
And I can’t say a word
Silenced again, by Life’s Mocking Bird
Bound tight with bubble wrap
Safe here, but tight
Struggling to sleep
Where’s the moon tonight
I muster some peace
My purpose… my way…
My light’s still to come
And so is my day!
 
~ Panayiota
(12th March 2022 – trying to fall asleep)

IT IS TRUE that I am not threatened in the same way today as I was many years before, but the flashback emotions and reactions are still going to happen and are very real.  It's up to me to work out why, so that I can actively do something about it as quickly as possible to prevent further and unnecessarily prolonged damage...
 
I hope that my blog posts don't disturb my readers.  If they do, that is not my intention and I ask that you please don't read them if you find them unsettling. 
 
I feel that sharing my journey is so important, and might help other therapists (and other “important” figures, such as church leaders, etc.) to one day to be able to REALLY understand and help their clients better... especially clients with DID.  I feel that it's important for me to take the chance of embarrassing myself by exposing my biggest struggles and weaknesses, and acknowledge those struggles and my process of coming to an awareness of the possible "why?" I am struggling... "What dynamics are at play?"... and I believe that once we understand and are ready to face ourselves and our broken and self-destructive ways and our effect on the world around us... only then are we able to begin, or continue on our healing journey.  We need to be personally-enlightened to the truths and dynamics of our mental illness in order to tackle and negotiate it. 
 
So, my writings in essence, are saying: “I am constantly working at becoming aware enough to know where I need to put in the work to help myself.  Nobody is going to do this work for me... I have to do it myself... and by facing my problem and sharing the process, I pray that others will learn this powerful and vitally important personal-truth for themselves also.”
 
Indeed, by facing my struggles so openly and authentically, I am able to find ways to reassure and re-parent my inner child. To say to my inner-child: "This is NOT your fault.  It NEVER was your fault.  This is how, or why it happened and why you are still experiencing the pain and struggle today... but I am here for you now.  We can work this out together.  You are NOT alone anymore.  You do NOT need to feel so afraid or shamed by your past.  I am holding you in my arms... I LOVE YOU AND WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU! Together, we can do this.  We don't need anyone else to do it for us.  This is OUR work and together we WILL find OUR healing... I'M HERE FOR YOU! I need and want you in my life! Let us, for a short while, go for a walk in the garden, or play with the dog, or colour in a picture and have some fun together."
 
By writing what I do, I certainly DO NOT want anyone to feel sorry for me... I would hope for the absolute opposite... that people will rather become more aware of my strengths and see the victor in me who is working so hard for my healing, because I believe that what I do for myself can hopefully help others to do for themselves also whatever it takes and is needed for their healing on their unique journey through life.
 
I believe there’s a lot of judgement because of my sharing… and you know what… it’s okay.  Those who judge will never understand anyway, so their opinion doesn’t really matter in the whole scheme of things. 
 
A dear friend wrote to me in response to my last blog post
“Pan I am not giving up on you either!!!! True not everyone is able to hear this, but I am able and since I can, I follow your blog and support you. Carry on HEALING. You are not on your own anymore.
Loads of love,
Channa.”
 
A Facebook friend wrote once
“Sometimes when a person seems to reject you, they are actually giving you the opportunity to learn something. One of life's biggest challenges has been for me to love myself and others, despite our weaknesses. Unconditional love is the only love that there is. Anything else is a substitute. Some of our greatest teachers in this life are those that have hurt us” ~ Jason
 
NO MATTER WHO JUDGES ME, OR GIVES UP ON ME, OR WHO I END UP GIVING UP ON BECAUSE THEY HURT ME TOO MUCH, I WILL NEVER EVER GIVE UP ON MYSELF OR WHAT I BELIEVE IS MY PURPOSE IN LIFE... TO SHARE MY STORY... UNRAVEL AND MAKE SENSE OF MY STRUGGLES... FIND HEALING ANSWERS… SHARE HOPE AND INSPIRE FAITH AND MEANING FOR LIFE WHERE I CAN, FOR THE SAKE OF NOT ONLY MYSELF, BUT OTHERS ALSO.
 
“When you intentionally use your everyday life to bring about positive change in the lives of others, you begin to live a life that matters.” ~ John C. Maxwell

​WHEN DAY IS DONE, I WANT MY LIFE TO HAVE MATTERED.
 
Thank you for sharing with me,
 
~ Panayiota

​I’m in a strange place of limbo right now.  I’ve kind of come to terms with my 2nd son and family having left the country, so I don’t get overwhelmed with pain and the ugly-cry anymore when they videocall me.  They call often, every two or three days, just to let me know they’re okay.  Their faces look so happy on the video, even when I’m crying.  They let me cry while they carry on sharing their wonderful new experiences, and that has helped me so much.  Feeling their reassuring acceptance and love from so far away is enough… but there is still something missing… something wrong…
 
Trying to fathom what is wrong, I remind myself of my childhood… all those years of suffering and somehow enduring severe abuses… my childhood dream, that someday, daddy would come and rescue my sister and me… but he never did.  Deep down, I believe that I have been left with some resentment towards him because of that.  Surely, he knew how much we were suffering… surely, he should have come to save us from the monsters in our life.  Logic tells me there was really nothing he could do… my mother was a monster to him also!  She wielded much power over all who dared to cross her!  But my inner child does not have the capacity for logic that my adult self does…
 
The very first poem I ever wrote, when I was 12 years old, says it all. I remember being so afraid of my mother, that I chose to write the poem about a little boy, so that if she found it, she wouldn’t know it was about me… I wasn’t allowed to have or express feelings… we were only allowed to share her feelings… not our own!
 
A DADDY FOR ME
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
All alone in a great orphanage hall
A little boy sits against a big stone wall
A big silver tear runs down the little boy’s cheek
As he thinks of a father that might one day him come seek
He thinks how nice a daddy would be
They would play together and build a house in a tree
At night he would sit on his daddy’s knee
And his daddy would tell him a story or three
Then he would tuck him snug in bed
After he’s made sure he’s been jolly well fed.
 
*****
 
Next morning the matron came in with glee
And shouted, “There will be a daddy for you at three!”
The little boy did not move
She touched his shoulder
He toppled over
Then she said, “He’s dead, he’s dead!”
The little boy’s heart had broken in three
So, he did not live
For his new daddy to see.
 
~ Miss. Panayiota Petrou (Maiden name)
(1969 – 12 years old)
 
Our mother moved us every 6 months to a year. She was always running from her own past! Our lives were so unsettled and so insecure.  The longest we ever stayed anywhere was in the high school boarding where we stayed for 2 years.  I have a strong sense of flashback emotion of how it must have been for me.  We would have just made friends in our new school’s and then we had to leave them behind… again, and again, and again… loss after loss after loss!  I remember arriving at new schools still dressed in the old school’s uniforms with the wrong-coloured shoes, and being bullied and shouted at for that!  We were embarrassed and shamed so often, in so many ways!
 
What always hurt me, was that those that we loved from the last home and school, never came to rescue us; they never remembered us once we were gone, we were gone.  But MY HEART couldn’t forget what was lost… I longed for what was lost to be returned to me… I ached for what was lost… but it was gone… just as we were gone.  I think that this is where the invisibility spell started to take hold on my life… I felt as though I did not exist to anyone, except for my little sister… my best friend in the world… my only friend.
 
We were never allowed to love anything more than our mother; she took away and gave away anything we dared to love.  If a child visited and played with our toys, she’d let them take them home with him/her when they left.  “Patty won’t mind… will you Patty?” she’d say whilst giving me THE LOOK!  I remember feeling torn to pieces in each of those moments in time, but by then, my voice had already been taken away… I had no voice… I dared not try and use it, even if I still had it!  If we crossed her or even if she imagined we had, she’d instantly turn into the ugly growling monster again and beat the living daylights out of us!  Her moods were so unpredictable!  We literally feared for our lives!
 
My sister and I grew attachments to things that most people wouldn’t notice… I know that I for one became very interested in the insect world.  I’d spend hours (and still do today), rescuing insects from a swimming pool… I grew a great compassion for anything or anyone that might be suffering… so much so, that a lot of my therapy in 2006, was to teach me now NOT to take on the suffering of others and the world.  The therapy helped a lot, but I still feel the pain of others that is not meant to be mine… just not as terribly as before.  The problem had been very destructive and debilitating!  Once when we were walking home from school, we saw our family Morris Minor parked in the garage with a For Sale sign plastered on its window.  My sister and I cried buckets, because Old Faithful had become as real to us as if she were alive and a dear friend.  Our mother had not warned us… it was just there in our lives one day and then GONE!  She took everything we loved away from us!
 
My longings for LOVE… someone to rescue me… someone to remember me… someone to hear my voice… someone to authenticate my existence, became all-encompassing, and I do believe that I still struggle mightily with all that today.  My copious writings… So that when I’m dead, someone might remember that I lived if it is ever read.
 
When my son and family said they were going to leave, and eventually left, all those terrible flashback emotions returned with a vengeance… I truly struggled over that time and haven’t fully recovered yet!
 
For me, I experience any form of loss of a loved one, even by moving away, as a death!  I mourn and my emotions can be described as “anguish”. It is what it is… AND IT IS!!!! 
 
But, thankfully, my son and family did everything in the right order.  Firstly, they honoured my request, not to tell me when they were leaving… I knew it was soon, and yes, there was a big shock when they were suddenly gone and I realised that their loving-hugging visit the night before was a goodbye visit, but the shock, was far less than the agony of knowing exactly when I’d lose them if they’d given me a date for their departure!  I DON’T DO GOODBYES!  Did FAR-FAR-FAR too many of those when I was a child!  Secondly, they have called me often, and even when I cried croc tears on their first few video calls, they carried on talking and smiling and sharing details of their lovely new adventure with me… and most importantly, they managed to make me feel loved… as if I had not lost anything of their love in their leaving… they were still there for me… they remembered me… they could see me still… they had not forgotten me.  This has helped immensely with my healing from the anguish of their leaving.  In a sense, their continued contact and reassuring love had rescued me from my anguished state!
 
But there is still something missing from my joy for going on in life… I feel that I can’t be around people at this time… pushing the world away again and staying secluded and safe.  If I don’t get too close, you can’t hurt me when you leave… everyone eventually leaves and never comes back… well, that’s how my mind is reading things at times like this… it’s how it has always been for as long as I remember. 
 
The fear of suffering the pain of more loss, is more than I can bear, so what do I do?  I shut out the world to protect my heart.  And what does the world do… it stays out… starts to judge… forgets that I once was… or ever was… and that only serves to reinforce the distance I place myself at… trust is further lost and I choose to be alone where I’m safe… aloneness becomes my friend, along with my unconditionally-loving and ever-present dogs. 
 
Then someone says, “Come visit any time.” They could never understand how hard that is for me.  It’s hard enough to leave my house during good times, but when the world doesn’t feel welcoming or safe anymore, it’s almost impossible to beat the anxiety of leaving my home.  But now they also want me to leave my only real friends behind, locked up in the house so they don’t upset neighbours with their barking… HOW COULD ANYONE EVER UNDESRSTAND!
 
I have stopped going to church!  I’ve already explained above… but instead of feeling as though the arms of the church will always remain open to me, ONE became angry, because they could not accept Patricia’s voice… and it only takes ONE to totally lock those doors for me, because so much damage was already done over the years, and especially during the devastating transference and countertransference during my time in therapy.
 
A dear friend at church wanted me to fill in a form recently, after the upset mentioned above, Patricia’s voice was entered on the form, but when she heard that another dear friend was going to hospital for an operation, I decided that the form didn’t need to be returned.  It still sits here with Patricia’s voice on it.  I wonder how the friend would have reacted to Patricia’s voice… would she too have become angry and rejected me. 
 
Around the time of my son and family leaving, I took myself off of the family WhatsApp group… eventually they will all go away… nothing is permanent or sure… nothing can be sure or trusted in this world…
 
I have learned, that when people don’t and can’t understand, or don’t want to, then there’s no use trying to explain… and so I just withdraw… they already believe they have all the answers… they are so sure of their own truths on the matter, that they will never be able to grasp my truths… NEVER… they are the ones that can’t see or hear me… they make me sad and push me further into the emptiness of my invisibility…
 
But here, at least I have my dogs and my youngest son still comes and goes, even if he’s not really here most times when he is… but when he is, it’s so wonderful.  I absolutely love his company, when his company is available to me and he’s not lost in his games.
 
And that’s another thing that makes me so angry, is when someone insists that he should be dating and get married and I try to explain to them that I don’t believe that marriage would be something he could cope with. He does NOT have a sense of personal responsibility… wouldn’t think to feed the dogs, or lock the doors at night to protect his family, or put his own clothes in the wash basket, or even the washing machine.  He would rather stuff his tummy than pay a bill in time, or at all… etc. etc. etc.  The response of those who feel he should be dating and married, tells me that they think that I am keeping him from such a life!!!!  That makes me so angry!!!  What do they take me for!  GOOD GRIEF MAN!  I have done so much to give my son a life. I was told by all the professionals during his schooling years that he’d never make it in the open labour market!  The psychologist who had seen to him for a few years wanted me to put him into a workshop for the disabled!!
 
I REFUSED TO GIVE UP ON HIM!!!  DAMIT!!!  I’M SICK TO DEATH OF ALL THE JUDGMENTS THAT NEVER SEEM TO END!
 
Do you honestly think that I’d deprive my son of a life of love and independence? I’ve worked so hard to give him independence! It is because of how hard I’ve worked FOR HIM that he now works in the open labour market and earns a decent salary, and even has a code 10 driving license and is even working in the capacity of a supervisor, even though that has not been officially noted yet!
 
BUT WHEN I SAY, THAT NO, I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT HE IS CAPABLE OF SUPPORTING A FAMILY RESPONSIBLY, YOU’D BETTER BELIEVE THAT I KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT AS HIS MOTHER!!!!  I AM NOT SOME STUPID IDIOT THAT NEEDS A LOAFER HANGING AROUND MY HOUSE ALL DAY PLAYING GAMES, BECAUSE IT SOMEHOW MAKES ME FEEL GOOD OR SAFE OR SOMETHING!!! GIVE ME A FLIPPING BREAK! 
 
If I felt he could take care of a wife and children, I’d do everything in my power to help him achieve that step in his life!   
 
Usually, every year I honour on Facebook, my beloved Greek mother on the day of her passing… 25th February (2004).  This year, I never wrote there… even when I saw the memories of past posts about my Greek mom pop up over the last few days.  I’m too numb at this time, because everyone I love eventually leaves… nothing is sure…
 
What has been wonderful for me, is that my daughter and son-in-law so often invite me to their house… they make me feel so welcomes and I can take my dogs with me to play there with their dogs.  They love it so much and enjoy the much-needed exercise.  My daughter and son-in-law are the one place where I feel completely safe and happy to leave my house for and for that and them, I am so very grateful.
 
Today, 27th February, when I went out to water my front garden, there was suddenly a large yellow lime butterfly flying around my head again… it flew so close to my face more than once, that I could actually feel the wind from the flapping of its wings on my face.  Instantly, I thought of my Greek (step) mother… Often in the past when I have been sad or working in my vegetable garden, a lime butterfly would fly around me like that, and each time, I believed it was my Greek mother, there for me, and also proud of me for all the work I do in my garden.  A gift and ability she taught me when I was a child as I watched her tending to her own vegetable and herb garden.  I felt so much PURE JOY as the butterfly flew around me and almost kissed my face this morning. 
 
From the front yard, I moved to the back yard, and lo-and-behold, there was a decent sized white butterfly that flew around me a few times… again, I felt that it was no coincidence… it came close, but not as close as the lime butterfly… this time, I felt that the white butterfly represented my own mother, letting me know she’s doing okay and she’s proud of me.  I felt it was her, because it was in the back yard, just after her death that a white feather floated down just in front of my face… my son saw that happening also.  Where did that white feather come from? I believed it was from my mom, just as the white butterfly was today.  I haven’t seen butterflies in my yard for quite a long time… so seeing two today and both dancing around me, I truly believe was LOVE coming to me from the other side of the veil. 
 
This song has featured for me just lately and fits with this post at this time:
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2U0Ivkn2Ds
 
Thank you for sharing this post with me.  I am grateful for anyone who acknowledges their presence here with me. 
 
~ Panayiota 

So, you saw my last post and how much I was struggling.  I have to say, that after unloading all that, I began to feel so much calmer. Writing is healing for me. But there is still a niggling struggle inside of me that is keeping me deeply lost, struggling with dissociation, withdrawing and feeling very alone in this world once more. 
 
I wrote the last blog post on the 7th and chose not to mention what was really upsetting me. It was still too raw then.
 
On the 6th I received a WhatsApp from a group I’d been added to, asking for assistance with someone who was facing a difficult time.  Someone I love dearly.  The message came at a time, when I was crying out for THEIR LOVE, but was not feeling it in any meaningful measure that could have sustained me.
 
There are so many reasons why I could not respond to their message, besides the real struggle of always feeling negatively judged by these people.  I don’t feel 100% welcome in their home and that is a struggle I’ve had since I first moved to this area.  They don’t visit me very easily… in fact their visits have been extremely rare.  This has left me feeling that I am not good enough for them.  If only they knew how much I needed to feel unconditionally loved and accepted by them. They don’t show love easily, won’t participate on groups where their love could be reached by all who should at least try to be there for each other.
 
I want to feel loved and to be able to give my love freely, but they don’t accept my love.  I’ve already tried giving them whatever I am able… giving is my language of love.  But what I have to offer is always rejected by them… so again, I that leaves me feeling as though I’m not good enough.  They expect more from me than I have to give.  I offer vegetables from my yard… NO THANKS… I offered beautiful kitchen ware recently… NO THANKS… practically nothing that I have to give is received or welcomed by them… they want and expect from me that which I am completely unable to give them… it’s all or nothing…
 
I cannot leave my house easily… Why can’t they understand and believe that?
 
Besides, this month I am not using my car unless I have to, so I cannot offer lifts… in fact I never can, because the very expensive petrol prices hardly ever gets us through the month as it is.  
 
But they won’t believe that! 
 
This month, I’m trying to save for a trip to Pretoria mid-month, to go and spend a few hours with my greatest mentor, boss and dear friend who is in the country for a short holiday.  I must save the petrol to get there and back! Meeting with her is so important to me… YES, IT IS!
 
Can’t they give me that much! 
 
I walk around my house in broken slippers and rags.  I can’t afford to buy myself nice things and save my “good dresses” for going out only… I’m always last on the list in my own home. 
 
Who understands what it’s like to always be struggling to get through each month?  They are definitely doing whole lot better and earning a whole lot more, even though I do understand that their expenses are huge at this time?  I’ve discovered that when one is comfortable enough, they seem to imagine that everyone else must be too… well, right now, even in their struggle, my son and I are still NOT living nearly as comfortable as they are.
 
I’m not complaining about what I’m earning… NOT AT ALL… I am earning more than enough for the work I do… and I am extremely GRATEFUL for what I earn… I am grateful that I am not forced to leave my home to earn more.  I don’t believe I could do it anymore.  I am so very grateful for my work and for the BLESSING of working from home. I am so grateful for my “Logotherapy family” where I feel that my life has a purpose… what I have to give is ENOUGH… my work and me are accepted there… I feel valued and needed there…
 
Why wouldn’t I gravitate in this direction more readily?
 
Who could understand and believe what a BLESSING my Logotherapy World is for me?  It has kept me alive… it has kept me on my unique transcendent path… kept me climbing my mountain of HOPE… it has given me reason to TRUST someone… something… else in this world… it’s given me HOPE, FAITH & TRUST to make the choices that prevent me from giving up… choices that keep me going…
 
Everyone knows that I always feel more comfortable to visit outside my home if I feel invited and wanted.  Even my daughter knows that and invites me often.  I won’t just pitch up… it’s not in my DNA to intrude on others… my sense of worth has never been good enough to give me that kind of ability and freedom to “just arrive!”
 
But still, they don’t understand.  I’ve invited them… still waiting… I don’t have enough to offer in my home… their non-interest in visiting me, only adds to my sense of worthlessness and not feeling wanted or accepted.
 
They don’t understand… I’ve tried to accept that some people just can’t understand… but that doesn’t lessen the pain they cause by showing so little interest.  All I ask though is that I get at least 1-2 days warning before people visit, because due to my lack of confidence and lack of trust in the world and lack of functioning energy at times, and having been judged negatively all my life, I do like to make sure my house and I are decent and presentable before people arrive.  I tell everyone who I invite to just give me some warning.  There are some days when I’m so distant or withdrawn, that I can’t socialize… I feel safer alone.
 
My daughter and my own children (even my son and daughter in law) can come any time… I trust them 100% because they know and understand my struggles so much better than the rest of the world out there possibly can.  They KNOW I am a very hard worker.  They KNOW I am not lazy.  They KNOW I do my best, and, they KNOW that I can’t always cope with it all.
 
TIME… there is so much to say about my time struggles.  Where do I begin?
 
I just wrote to a Logotherapy student this morning, who has just qualified as a Clinical Hypnotherapist.  I was so interested in his work and my struggle with dissociation, that I asked him about one of my hardest daily struggles… let me share that with you…
 
But, will anyone understand anything more after reading this.  I pray you will:
 
Dear W,
 
For most of the first 50 years of my life, I practically lived in a daydream world (The Terrible Dream), which I have made a presentation on that our student’s get to watch in the Advanced course, unless you are very interested, in which case, I'd then send a link to it.  But it's best to wait until you are more entrenched in the philosophy of Logotherapy, because it was quite an intense daydream that I'd created for myself during the time I was being severely abused as a child. 
 
I have written a paper on the subject:  Some Thoughts on Daydreams and Logotherapy - https://medium.com/@logotherapysa/some-thoughts-on-daydreams-and-logotherapy-b5c8c96be148   
 
I have been blessed with the ability to help people interpret their nighttime nightmares/dreams Logotherapeutically as well as Daydream Worlds that are often created by child abuse victims.
 
Anyway, I don't live in my daydream world anymore since it was broken down and the meaning message was found in it... I no longer needed to go there.  Same as, if the meaning message of a nightmare/dream is worked out, the dreamer never needs to dream that dream again... and they therefore don't.  But these days, I tend to drift into a state that I call, The Deep Sleep... where I get so desperately tired, that I feel like I'm being dragged, swirling down a rabbit hole and that if I allow it to take me too deep, I might never wake up from it.  So, I literally struggle to stay on the surface of it and my work helps me to do that.  I have read up on “chronic fatigue syndrome”, and that apparently connects with child abuse... and also found it interesting to read the work of El Somer on “Maladaptive Daydreaming”. 
 
So, this is just some information on my kind of dissociation... I just shut down and even while I am still working, I still feel as though I'm being sucked away and would love to go and lie down and give in to it, but would never get anything done if I did... even my eyesight seems to want to turn inside out to stop me from focusing on my work... AARGH!  So, this slows my work down a lot and it will take me a lot longer to do stuff than someone else would.  And yes... depression is a constant factor, but I don't sit here crying all day... it's just a condition sitting in the background that I've grown up with and must live with and fight to the best of my ability.  I also struggle with body pain... I have studied up on psychosomatic pain and it fits... usually flaring up more when I've been upset about something.  Also, having dissociative identity disorder, for me, means that a part of my personality is always deeply sad... therein lies my biggest struggle.
 
Please… someone out there… can’t you see?  Can you please at least try to understand why it is so hard for me to leave my home?
 
And yes… I am aware that going out is helpful and stimulating, but my struggle to leave my house leaves me asking:  
 
“Where can I go where I can feel completely safe, unjudged, accepted, wanted, invited, loved”…
 
My three older children come to mind… I’m always so happy and at peace with them and their families, including their pets.  I feel completely motivated to leave my house to be with them. 
 
My life is generally a very lonely/alone one.  I have my two dogs… my best friends with me… I feel their LOVE and dread leaving them locked up alone at home. It’s not easy for me to turn my back on TRUE LOVE.  My daughter and son and family who have just left for England always welcome/d my dogs also… so they welcomed a major part of my heart to be there with us… that made me so happy and free to enjoy my moments with them all and their dogs. 
 
Unless you KNOW what hours and hours of aloneness feels like and where it takes one’s mind and energies to, you cannot judge or understand who I am and why I’d rather be at home with my Logotherapy world inside my computer (and my Facebook world) or somewhere safe where I can feel completely welcomed, free and unjudged… to be happy and at peace.
 
Otherwise, every day is a struggle for me.  I never know when I’m going to be emotionally stronger or weaker… I never know when I’m going to be able to sleep that night or not.  If I get less than 6 hours sleep, I can barely function the next day and the dissociation is so much worse.  And on top of all this is the body pain… some days it’s not too bad, and other’s it’s awful!  Very likely psychosomatic as a result of my past and triggers in my present. 
 
Read: “The Body Never Lies”: The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting by Alice Miller, if you ever want to know more. https://www.amazon.com/Body-Never-Lies-Lingering-Parenting-ebook/dp/B001VLXNAQ
 
I CANNOT MAKE COMMITMENTS TO ANYBODY… not to friends, family or at church!  PLEASE TRY TO UNDERSTAND!!! I can only promise to love you and give you what I personally have available at any one moment in time. 
 
If you who sent me that group message were reading this, this is what I’d want to tell you:
I don’t have the financial ability… I don’t have the emotional stability… I don’t have the means to give what you feel would make me worthy of your love and attention… I only have what I have, and you keep rejecting it… it’s never been enough for you… and it is YOU that have left me feeling rejected, unworthy and in desperate need of YOUR LOVE and understanding and acceptance!  I have needed your love to be as real as mine has been for you for as long as I can remember, but I realise that you did not live my life… you can’t possibly understand… you were never as alone or hurt as I have been, or as I am now.  You probably never knew that desperate need for loving acceptance that I am possessed with!
 
I removed myself off of the group without a word… I felt that no matter what I tried to say, you wouldn’t understand… WHO POSSIBLY CAN?… and that I’m dammed if I do and I’m dammed if I don’t… so in the end, I was left with… WHAT’S THE USE?  I am invisible and voiceless to you…
 
To Dream the Impossible Dream
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=is0w78dw7P8&list=PLIBwb2qTFP5n0AKlecTgxPo4HpZeUBr9l&index=13
 
The two areas of most potential for pain in my life are Church and Family… only because, they are the two areas where my need for PEACE, TRUST, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND BELONGING ACCEPTANCE reside in my heart and mind.  If one crashes, so does the other, because either way, if the one causes a dark storm in my heart, the other gets caught up in the storm also.  These two go hand in hand… both have enormous power to help me with my healing and both have enormous power to destroy me!  Religious judgements are the worst and most damaging, destructive and destroying of all!!!  
 
If only they KNEW how much I love and need their unconditional LOVE… IF ONLY THEY KNEW!
 
THANK YOU to those who understand… THANK YOU SO MUCH!
 
~ Panayiota

Wednesday 2nd February 2022 – Online banking problem… by the time I called my daughter and she had helped me to sort it all out I was in such a state that I had to take Rescue calming tablets! I wonder how I will ever manage when they one day leave the country also.  Who will I turn to for help then! 
 
Thursday 3rd – I found my car dead and was unable to go visit my dad and nephew.
 
Friday 4th – My littlest sister kindly came to help me kick-start it during the morning and I was able to visit my dear Nephew (visiting from Cyprus where he’s studying to become a doctor) and dad later in the day.  It was wonderful to see my nephew again.  I really do believe and trust in his love 100%.
 
Saturday 5th

• My daughter and son in law came to put up a cupboard I’d just bought, in my bedroom/office.  I desperately needed extra space so that I could reach things I don’t use because they are in boxes on top of each other.  Oh, how I love them.  I feel so loved and accepted and never judged badly by them too.
• They told me that my dear son in England had offered to pay for a new battery for my car, so they took my old one out to go buy a new one for me.  I am so blessed.
• A lovely student invited me to lunch and we had such a lovely time together.  She also bought with her a book gift… and anyone who knows me, knows how much I LOVE good books, even though I don’t get much time to read them!  I have so many on my bucket list which I am longing to buy one day and only imagine I will ever be able to read once I’m retired.  The book that the dear student bought me is called: “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle… from what I’ve been told by anyone I shared the title with, is that it’s a MUST READ!  She also bought me a bouquet of beautifully scented lavender and rose scented geranium and a box of incense which she suggested I use when reading the book.  I can’t stop smelling them all… so lovely… feels good for my soul. 

 
It's not easy for me to be invited out and treated by anyone… feels so foreign… I racked my brain to try and remember what conversations we had in the past… why was I important enough for her to invite me out.  Like I never felt worthy and that even made me feel uncomfortable… like I’m looking for possible reasons… I know… I’m so silly!  I enjoyed the outing so much… tried to imagine having a real friend like her… someone I could really trust and get close to without feeling threatened and that everything would fall to pieces eventually.  I wish I could have a normal life with normal relationships, but it’s impossible… it seems impossible… been there and done that and nothing ever worked before… not even my own mother loved me… all my most pivotal relationships eventually crumbled… there are pivotal ones (to me) today which I don’t fully trust… I feel their gossiping… I don’t feel welcomed in their homes… and that makes me feel so sad and detached… I am constantly reminded that I just ‘don’t feel I really belong’ anywhere. 
 
But this lovely friend-for-a-day gave me more than lunch and a book, etc.  She gave me a very special moment in time… one where I felt perfectly accepted, loved and cherished for who I am… a moment where I was even able to imagine the possibility of having such a friend… one who would never go away no matter what… Teria is such a friend… we don’t write to each other all the time or call or anything like that… but without doubt, I am totally convinced and in full trust that she of all people, will never go away.  Not many people in this world have ever been able to give me that kind of trust in a relationship… I can only think of one or two more for which I am so Eternally grateful. 

• When I went to bed this night, I could NOT fall asleep.  A part of my psyche had been disturbed.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe too much excitement in going out for lunch and being spoilt… it’s not like that happens every day!  I couldn’t wrap my head around it… just lay wide awake for ages and took Rescue to finally fall asleep.

 
Sunday 6th
It was my littlest sister’s 55th birthday today (it feels impossible that she could be 55… she’s my iddi-biddi sister… 55 just doesn’t fit with her at all.) I wanted to surprise her so woke early and put two chickens on and a whole lot of vegetables… I was going to do lunch for her and family.  But she sent a WhatsApp in response to my message to visit her on her birthday, before I had a chance to tell her about the lunch, that she would be away for the day.  I immediately felt sad and shut out… that’s how my mind works, for reasons only my mind can tell… I ended up giving part of the meal to my daughter and son-in-law, some for my son and I for supper and the rest I divided into little packets for quick meals for the month. 
 
Today, I found out that my youngest son had once again, not fully paid the two bills that are his responsibility each month.  He has NO excuse, but also has NO sense of domestic responsibility.  I cannot believe he’s done it again… the 2nd time now! He puts stuffing himself with sweets and food and data for playing games before adult expectations and responsibilities!  At work where he is supervised and stimulated all day long by people, customers and responsibilities there, he is doing so well… but when it comes to the home… he is most times, a complete disappointment to me!  When he does stuff like this, I feel totally beaten… it completely drains me of every ounce of energy and will to go on!  Yet… in the working world, he is such a huge success. 
 
My daughter and dear Logotherapist and maybe one other, are the only people who allow me to talk about him and unload my struggles with him… they believe me and do not JUDGE ME for HIS bad behaviours at home… and there are things I haven’t even told them… Oh if only I could!!!!  Sometimes I feel like I’m living with yet another emotional abuser!  We are such good friends at times when he at least tries, but on his days off it can get too much to see him slouching there in his chair playing games for hours on end, doing nothing to help in the home… nothing to better his life… nothing but stuffing himself and leaving the mess for me to clean up… I feel like his useless maid… and I have HAD ENOUGH!!!  I was married to two just like that before! 
 
It’s because I love him and I’ve worked so hard for him since he was born, that his bad and lazy behaviours hurt me so much now!  Next month we go into paying an extra +/- R1000 on the bills he didn’t get to pay properly this month, and that has left me feeling so insecure and angry inside.  I withdraw when I’m angry… when I ask him why he never paid them, he ignores me… walks away… and that makes me even angrier inside… like a pressure cooker ready to explode.  There’s no fighting on the outside… the anger festers inside and steals my joy for hours and days on end.
 
I tried to attend church via Zoom in the morning, but when I tried to reconnect after losing my connection whilst trying to get the headphones working, they did not let me back in again… I guess nobody was looking at their computer!  So again, I felt locked out and upset by that.  I managed to connect an hour later to the Sunday school portion, but only some voices could be heard, and in the end, I gave up.  (What’s the use?)
 
Somewhere during that time, my daughter and son in law came to put my new car battery in which they had bought the day before.  Then when they left, they took my dogs with them for a play date which always makes me so happy.  My dogs love to run and play with theirs. (Reminders of LOVE… givers of oxygen when the air I breathe feels really thin… they are life motivators and givers of strength) 
 
So, after what I could get of church, cooking for the nation am, packing the food and the apple slices I’d dried overnight, hung washing, picked more vegetables from the garden, watered the garden, and washed dishes, practically my whole day was gone and I was thoroughly exhausted.  Dusting the kettle, I sliced the tip of my one finger open on the metal spikes from the broken lid… it bled a lot and hurt!
 
Pm… my son video called from England… instant tears when I saw him and my grandchildren again.  I have worked out that I’m fine if they just phone call, but actually seeing them is just too much for this dear old mommy and yiayia heart of mine!  I’d cope better if they just do normal calls for now while I’m adjusting to their absence.  I was thrown straight into depression after their call… the kind that tries to drag me down into the deepest kind of sleep… the kind where I lose my ability to function. 
 
Thankfully my youngest son arrived home from work around then and we went together to pick up our dogs.  I still felt so disappointed in him for not paying the two bills which are his responsibility each month… but I didn’t have the energy to go there… (What’s the use?)
 
When we arrived home from picking up the dogs in the afternoon, I asked my youngest son to drop me off at the front gate so I could just run in quick to get something for him to drop off at a special friend a block away.  Firstly, I struggled for at least two very long minutes to open the little gate leading into our yard.  He sat there in the car… probably playing games because he was now close to home and connected to WiFi… and I felt myself getting really angry… I finally got into the yard… now to the front door… I could not open it due to it being so swollen with the recent rains.  For years since we moved in here, I’ve been asking for help with that darned door… the back one also!!!  One or two people have come to help, but it’s never been a permanent fix.  It gets so stuck that a number of times the handle has pulled clear off with all the pulling, and we’ve had to buy new to replace it!  Trying to push it open from the outside is impossible when it’s stuck… I have been in so much physical arthritis/gouty type pain since my 2nd son and family left for England that it’s no jokes… so trying to push the door open was THE LAST STRAW for me, and knowing that my son could hear me banging at it and really getting mad… yet he didn’t come to help… in the end I exploded… grabbed hold of my brand new mop sitting next to the door and started to bash the door violently with anger exploding out of me (a very rare thing)… if I have to think back on my past, I can only remember about 5 times that I ever got that angry… the mop stick broke into three pieces and flew all over in those few seconds that I lost my marbles… so now I don’t have a mop anymore too!!! 
 
I finally managed to get in, without his help… kept my cool after that… it was over… but I still can’t talk much to my son… he has not yet let me know what he spent all his money on this month and why he was not able to pay the two bills which is HIS responsibility every month!  I cannot live with that kind of uncertainty… I DON’T WANT TO LIVE WITH IT ANYMORE!!!  But I have no option… he’d eventually end up a hobo if he left home… I honestly believe that!  It’s taken a LOT of work to get him to where he is today… a functioning human being out in the working world… when all the special school professionals told us he’d never make it in the open labour market… the psychologist who took care of him said he needed to be placed in a workshop for the mentally disabled for the rest of his life!!!  I refused to listen to any of them and see how far my son has come today!  He has recently been promoted to a supervision position at work.  He even has a code 10 driving license! I would not give up on my child… but he’s a grown man now… why the hell should I be suffering still!!!  Will I ever get a break from such abuse and unhappiness in the home!
 
Right now, I feel the walls are up again… I DON’T want to be around people… I want to be left alone… my angry (hurting) personality (Patricia) is near the surface… the one who possesses the SILENCED SCREAM!!!  The one who has never been allowed to talk… it’s best to stay apart for now, because when she does talk, she pushes people away and alienates them to protect herself from more disappointment and harm… and THEY GO!  THEY ALWAYS GO!!!!

​What’s held me together over the last few days is the feeling of unconditional love I have received from my daughter and son in law, my 2nd son and family there, a student who took me to lunch, my Logotherapy world and my dogs… as well as good memories, such as the one below. 
 
I am constantly reminded that we are never ever completely abandoned to our struggles… Life takes care of us under any condition, if only we will always stay open to what is still good, beautiful, healing, right and true.  

A Facebook memory popped up this morning to remind me about all those transcendent moments that have happened in and for my life since Logotherapy found me in my 50’s… I’m now 65.  It’s memories like this that keep me going… that remind me that anything is possible if I just hold on and don’t give up… I WILL NEVER EVER GIVE UP!
 
A letter from my mentor and Logotherapy study supervisor, Teria Shantall, February 2013
Pan, I want you to think of coming with me to the Logotherapy World Congress this year. It runs from the 19th to the 23rd of June. I would love you to present a paper there (the one you presented to us in Israel last year). It will be to a select and smaller group when the plenary sessions are over and people go to various papers presented at the same time in different and smaller conference rooms. You can perhaps visit your sister and I can even meet her if she can come and visit us at the Congress which is held in Dallas in the beautiful Marriot Quorum hotel. You will have a room all to yourself.
 
I attended and presented at this conference and my sister sponsored my trip and spent the time there with me.  It was one of the most wonderful and growth promoting times of my life which I will never forget and will be forever grateful for. 
 
Thank you for sharing with me (please Like my posts so that I know that someone is with me here)
 
~ Panayiota

​So, from the moment my son, Jonathan, video called me the day after he, my wonderful daughter-in-law and my three beloved grandchildren left South Africa, I stopped the "tragic-grieving" crying... I've since been getting on with life by staying really busy, but realised that I'm now in a NUMB place... one that is easily triggered into anger.  (Don't mess with me here, in this place, because I might react out of my trapped pain, and if I do, we will both be hurt!) 

I realise that I must stay away from people when I'm like this... keep a low profile... a very lonely/alone place to be.  A SAFE PLACE FOR ME TO BE – SAFE FOR OTHERS WHOM I CARE ABOUT TOO!!!
 
Smile and act normal when I have to... stay very quiet and withdrawn in my own safe-space in-between...
 
The trapped anger has to stay trapped... feels a bit like being lost and alone in a desert wasteland... (the Silenced Scream... the title of my soon to be published book)… ANGRY at life for constantly taking away all that I LOVE and cherish most.
 
This EMPTY space reminds me of the places I often found myself visiting in my past and a poem I wrote way back then...
 
ABSENT FROM MY OWN LIFE!
© All rights reserved
 
I was absent from my own life, all those bitter years,
Driven to obscurity by my own self-loathing, guilt and fears!
I became invisible to anyone who could have led me home,
And chose a desert wasteland, all alone to roam!
I struggled over my own high mountains; I was lost in my own gloomy caves,
I wondered through dark jungles and dug myself many deep, cold graves!
I became a slave to my own sad memories and let them change my soul,
I burnt myself on my own self-doubts and lit each scorching coal!
Waves of confusion tried to drown me, in the seas of my own despair,
It was such a struggle to find shelter, from the storms of my torrential tears.
I stumbled over jagged rocks and grazed my heart so often,
Nothing could I find in that horrible place, for all the pain to soften!
But something deep inside of me, told me to NEVER, EVER GIVE UP!
And I fought to escape my torment, once I realized that I’d had enough!
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(9Aug06 – 4 months into my awakening therapy journey at the age of 49)
 
I also wrote this once and it is part of the important self-work that I need to remember and embrace at times like this

Visiting with my dear daughter and son-in-law and their dogs, and other family, and feeling their authenticating LOVE and acceptance has helped considerably... I LOVE my family so much and need their LOVE in return... and for the most part, I TRUST in their LOVE. 

WHAT A GIFT FAMILY IS TO MY LIFE ❤
 
No response needed... this is a deep underlying thing... deeper than explanation... deeper than most would understand...

I've been stuck here many times in my life, so, I DON'T need anyone to feel sorry for me here... that would only feed the victim side of me which is the LAST thing I need...
 
ONLY I can rise above these states of mind and I just need time to work my way back to "trusting in others and life again" each time this happens. 
 
Knowing I'm NOT alone really helps... and gratefully, I believe that I'm NOT alone here! 
 
Love to all who take the time to read my blog posts and to those who Like and comment also, regardless of whether I’ve written a happy or sad post… I really cherish and appreciate your presence here ❤ ❤ ❤
 
~ Panayiota

I’ve been meaning to post this since posting “Mom’s Funeral ~ Part 2” on the 12 December 2021.  If you didn’t read that one, you might want to go over it before reading this one.

At the back of the book that my mother had written in, which my son found when searching in a box of old papers for something he needed, is written, in my mother’s handwriting (photo above): 

Why? 

Please tell me, Lord, the answer to the question why
You put me on this earth, to live a little day, and then to die?
I was born into this world-the fruit of Love and Pain
And have lived in suffering and will, till ‘tis time to leave again.
Alone I came.  Alone I walked through life. Alone I will go.
And yet the purpose of it all I do not know.

~ Judith Petrou

On reading this, I understood… this says it all.  My heart ached for my mother in reading these words she wrote.  I have had so many questions since.  

• Did she discover something really meaningful for her life once she had moved to England many years ago?  She had left this book with me and photos and other stuff packed in a box when she left and she never came back for them.  
• I wonder, did she go to church regularly?  Did she have lovely friends there or elsewhere, that helped to give meaning to her life?
• Did she ever discover the true meaning and purpose of her life?
• Did she ever succeed in stopping smoking cigarettes?  I know she tried a few times and wanted to, but just couldn’t get that right.
• Did she have a little dog for company?
• Did she still leave beautiful flower gardens wherever she could?  
• Did she still hurt and destroy people and lie with well-orchestrated stories like she so often did throughout the part of her life that I knew her, up until when she left South Africa?
(I wish I could remember when she left… it was a long time ago).
• Did she live in one place, or did she still move so often? (such a restless soul that never seemed to be able to find peace anywhere)

Anyway, I’m so happy she moved to England in the end… I am told, that she had a lot of people attend her funeral, so, I want to be left with the feeling of her having been loved and cared for in her last days on earth.  For so many years, I wondered if she was all alone, or loved and cared for.  I want to believe the latter, because it helps to give closure to all those years of wondering and worrying for her.

I hope, that by the time she died, this poem she had once written, no longer applied. 

To end off, I’d like to share some Logotherapy quotes on the subject of meaning and purpose.  I hope that sharing these will help others who also might feel that they are living an empty life without any real sense of meaning and purpose: To find out more, and/or, to sign up for a life-changing Logotherapy study journey, please go to www.vfisa.co.za

“Logotherapy is an unwaveringly realistic and positive orientation toward life and toward personal and collective human destiny. According to Dr Viktor Frankl, no moment in life is devoid of meaning. The innate will to meaning eternally calls man to aspire toward the highest conscious values in every given circumstance. Logotherapy is a celebration of the divine spirit of man. Logotherapy is an affirmation of the transcendent as the call to authenticity resounding deep within human conscience.” ~ Haya Baker Winiarz

“Logotherapy is based on the premise that life has meaning under all circumstances.  With this life orientation, logotherapy directs our fundamental will to find meaning in life towards realising the unique values embedded not only in the opportunities, joys and challenges of life, but also in the pain and suffering.” (Shantall, 2003, p.3) ~ The Quest for Destiny 

“Logotherapy... focuses on the meaning of human existence as well as on man’s search for such meaning.” (Frankl, 2008, p. 104) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning 

“... the meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day and from hour to hour.  What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general but rather the specific meaning of a person’s life at a given moment.” (Frankl, 2008, p.113) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning
 
“One should not search for an abstract meaning of life.  Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life to carry out a concrete assignment which demands fulfillment.  Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated.  Thus, everyone’s task is as unique as is his specific opportunity to implement it.” (Frankl, 2008, p.113) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning

“As each situation in life presents a challenge to man and presents a problem for him to solve, the question of the meaning of life may actually be reversed. 
  Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognise that it is he who is asked.  In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.  Thus Logotherapy sees in responsibleness the very essence of human existence.” (Frankl, 2008, p.p. 113-114) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning

“Frankl (1970, p.50) contended that existence would falter unless there is “a strong idea” or a strong ideal or important values in life to hold on to.  Frankl referred here to Freud (1927, p. 113) who stated: “Men are strong as long as they stand for a strong idea.”  We need to feel that there is a goal to strive towards, or that there is something to live for, that life has a purpose.  We experience life as meaningful when we feel that we have a vocation in life, or a mission in life to fulfil.” (Shantall, 2002, p. 18) ~ Life’s Meaning in the Face of Suffering

There is much wisdom in the words of Nietzsche: "He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how." (Frankl, 2008, p. 109) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning

“Frankl (1967) contended that it is indispensable to mental well-being to experience the tension between how things are at the moment and what they could or should or promise to be like; to experience the tension between being and meaning, that is, “meanings to fulfil or values to realize.”” (Shantall, 2002, p. 19) ~ Life’s Meaning in the Face of Suffering

“Frankl maintains that, as human beings, we all have a will to meaning.  We all want something worthwhile and purposeful to live and work for; we all want to feel needed, called upon to carry responsibility for something or someone.  By exercising the unique responsibilities that life has entrusted to us, we feel a sense of moral integrity.  Our lives are serving a unique purpose.  We have a destined role to play and, in our own way, we are irreplaceable.  These are the things that endue our life with meaning and that we, deeply within ourselves, want to experience.” (Shantall, 2003, p. 37) ~ The Quest for Destiny 

“Frankl contends that our will to meaning is the distinguishing feature of our humanness and that it is deeper and more powerful than any other kind of motivation.  ‘It is a characteristic constituent of human existence that it transcends itself, that it reaches out for something other than itself’
(Frankl 1969:51)” (Shantall, 2003, p. 37) ~ The Quest for Destiny

“The basic tenet of logotherapy is that, as human beings, we have a will to meaning.  Having the capacity to think, to weigh up our lives, choose what we want to do with them and why, we are operating in a dimension not shared with any other earthly creature.  In reaching out beyond ourselves or a mere day-to-day existence we are transcending the levels of animalistic existence and enter into a uniquely human dimension.” (Shantall, 2003, p. 5) ~ The Quest for Destiny 

“Like iron filings in a magnetic field, man’s life is put in order through his orientation toward meaning.  Thereby a field of tension is established between what man is and what he ought to do.  In this field existential dynamics is operating.  By this dynamics man is pulled rather than pushed” (Frankl, 1968, p. 21) ~ Psychotherapy and Existentialism

“The deepest quest in all of our lives is for meaning.  To simply exist is not enough.  The struggle to live well is not enough either.  The quest for meaning is only satisfied and can only become an exhilarating force in our lives when we feel that our lives were destined to be.  We are here for a purpose.  We have an unique role to play.  We have an uniquely appointed place in life, one that cannot be filled by anybody else.  We are irreplaceable.  Only this conviction can remove feelings of unworthiness, envy, anger and despair.  We are not excluded but included in the deepest possible way.  Life needs us.” (Shantall, 2003, p. ix) ~ The Quest for Destiny 

“Something meaningful draws us out of ourselves – it enlarges our vision, enriches us and causes us to grow: to become bigger and better than we are.  Frankl quoted Goethe as saying: “If we take a man as he is, we make him worse; if we take him as he ought to be, we help him become it” (Shantall, 2002, p. 19) ~ Life’s Meaning in the Face of Suffering

“Frankl says: Despair is suffering without meaning.  If one could see a meaning in one’s suffering, there is no despair!” (Havenga Coetzer, 2003, p. 33) ~ Viktor Frankl’s Avenues to Meaning
 
“Our pain and sufferings are meant to awaken our spiritual aspirations.  Life is always asking us, “What are we meant to discover in any particular situation?”” ~ Henry Mason
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~ Panayiota