My first appointment with the plastic surgeon is booked for the 3rd October…
 
I’m feeling so excited you have no idea… and at the same time, anxious about handing over my health control into the hands of strangers.  I totally control my diabetes type 2 with diet-lifestyle changes alone and have done so since 2012… I never have to test my blood sugar anymore.  It’s as if I don’t have diabetes at all.  But when I go through the operation and recovery time, will the hospital staff know exactly what to do to help my blood sugar levels to stay in check?  This scares me terribly.  I tell myself, that it is a training hospital, so they will be on their toes… but then there’s my scary past experiences at government hospitals over the years, and therein lies my trepidation… So, do I sit here worrying myself sick and end up giving up on this dream, or trust in LIFE that this wonderful opportunity has been given to me and all will therefore be well?  Can I just enjoy this time… trusting in it? 
 
So many thoughts churning through my head right now…
 
“Why am I doing this?” I ask myself. 

Understanding that I operate on more than one level, I feel the need to thoroughly review and identify the motivations for all my choices, thoughts and actions.
 
Anyone who knows me, KNOWS that I would avoid doctors and dentists at all costs.  I’ve been putting up with a big hole a back tooth for ages.  It’s such a nuisance, and all I need to do is to go have it seen to at the dentist, but I keep putting that thought as afar away as possible... “Besides, I have no time to go see the dentist anyway” … so I tell myself… ? …making sure to keep too busy to find the time.
 
I have dealt with many illnesses and painful afflictions on my own over the years, because I wouldn’t go to a Dr, who I would only have been able to see at a government hospital.  Every time, a different Dr… long queues, and just a very scary place for me, to witness so much suffering and neglect… so why would I now be so eager to voluntarily go to a plastic surgeon to help remove all the ugly, hanging, flapping, wrinkling loose skin from my body?
 
So as usual, I find myself exploring every angle as I continue my fascination with researching my own choices, thoughts and actions with a view to ultimately being successful on my journey to healing… and because I want my life to stand for something… I want to somehow be able to inspire others through my journey.  I cannot take control of my life or fix anything that is still broken in me as far as my choices, thoughts and actions go, if I don’t find answers for why it’s happening in the first place.  Why I am choosing to do what I do and what thoughts bring me to certain actions?  And at the same time, which part of me is involved at any one time?
 
A few days ago, two Facebook friends on the same day posted the picture-quote which I have attached below.  

​I felt angry… (my immediate reaction to seeing their post) … “They’re trying to ‘teach’ me something” … “How dare they?” … Instantly wanting to delete them both!  I felt completely disturbed.  “Don’t try to teach me anything!  Don’t try to change me!  DON’T JUDGE ME!  You either love me for who I am, exactly as I am, or we can’t be friends!” After all the counselling I’ve already been through in my life, and after what my therapist did during the awful transference and countertransference phase of my therapy with her, I will NEVER accept anyone else trying to FIX me, ever again!  There is only one or two people on this earth at this time, besides my God in Heaven, who have EARNED THE RIGHT to my trust and listening heart… allowing them the space to tell me how they feel I can be FIXED.  Before they could even begin to try, they first had to prove many times over (and ongoing), that their love and belief in me, was entirely unconditional.  My mentor, Teria is one such a person… there have been moments, “on the edge” between us, but every single time, she has somehow managed to pull my trust in her back again… A VERY RARE GIFT OF LIFE… FROM LIFE… A TRUE FRIEND and STRENGTH to my soul, in every way.  

​This is why I am sharing this blog… to show how hard I am working at FIXING MYSELF… I don’t want anyone else to intervene in the position of (self-appointed savior of me) … I will not welcome them, because… THIS IS MY WORK NOW AND MINE ALONE!  And I am working hard on it all the time… I’m doing MY PERSONAL BEST… so, “Stay out of my business… Love me or leave me! I will still go on without you!”
 
This was my immediate reaction to my friends’ post… but again, I reasoned in my mind, remembering and recognizing that I operate on different levels… from different personalities.  “So, who’s reaction?”  
 
“Definitely Patricia’s” … this is her poem:
 
TORTURED SOUL!
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I am a tortured soul wondering lost
In a vast wasteland of my forgotten past!
Catching glimpses of
“It’s” burning scorching plains,
Where hope is lost in the endless torment,
Of billowing black smoke and scattered ashes.
Nowhere to turn!
Nowhere to hide!
Nowhere to run!
For each road keeps bringing me back
To where all this pain belongs!
I cannot escape its blazing snare!
This endless punishment –
For some dreadful sin that I never committed!
It was not even mine!
Yet, I must suffer this burning hell!
That will not stay with the one who created it!
The one who deserves it most!
ABUSER!  RAPIST!  THIEF!
You stole my childhood!
You stole my freedom!
You stole my happiness!
You stole my health!
You stole my friends!
You stole my portion of LOVE!
And I am forced to live on in your land of horror!
While you are free to go on with your evil ways!
Who else have you already sent here?
Who else knows how terrible this lonely anguish feels?
 
~ Panayiota
(28 October 2007)
 
I was so ready (in the moment), to delete my two Facebook friends, but was in a rush to get ready for church, although I didn’t want to go to church anymore because I was feeling too disturbed!  It would have been so easy to just climb back into my bed and disappear down my rabbit hole again.  But I knew that I just had to go… I knew that I’d feel better if I did… “Let me go first and then decide on the friends afterwards” … restraint… wait… be sure… hold on… count to a million… BREATHE… 

​I’m so glad I was able to wait… Church was really good.  My one granddaughter came to sit with me and held onto me so lovingly all the way through the service.  If that is not validation of “being okay in this world”, then I just don’t know what is.  The youth (Patricia’s age group) were seated up front, facing the congregation.  They bore their testimonies and sang to us and it was so lovely to hear and witness how deeply sincere and special each one is.  My heart felt very touched… and I do believe that Patricia found her place of CALM in the process… no longer feeling attacked, in danger or out of control…
 
“I’m okay – I’m okay – I’m okay”.
 
So, I didn’t delete my two friends after all… and when I looked at the quote again… I asked myself the important question, “Why had this disturbed me so much?” and answered myself, “Because it is true”.
 
Of course, I would NOT want my friends to believe that “they won” by teaching me something (because then, I feel that they are not worthy of being my friends), but to rather know that I won, by learning something on my own by facing what was for me, hard to hear.
 
I have still not managed to get my diet under control since the big upset that lead to my withdrawal in May from “my group” that I used to call FAMILY & HOME.  I have held onto an underlying anger and resentment that has helped me to cope since that time.  Usually such a loss would have had me experiencing emotions equivalent to that of facing the death of a loved one… (those would have been Patty’s emotions) … she used to be crying all the time, but for now, she is settled… or just quiet.  I think that although she is still somewhat broken, she feels that she can step back into the protection and solitude of her dungeon whenever Patricia’s overly protective presence is on the surface…
 
I see Patricia dressed in armor… ready for battle!  Ready to cut anyone out of her life to protect herself and the rest of us (Patty, Panayiota and those she decides are in need of her protection)!  And I mean ANYONE (whether they intended to make her feel that way or not), who makes her feel like her abusers once made her feel … That awful silent scream that feels like it’s exploding inside, but has nowhere to go… no one can hear it… no one seems to care… she is invisible and very much alone with it… I can only explain it again with the same poem I’ve posted many times before…
 
INTENSITY
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
The intensity is more than I can bear!
Burning acid on every rip and tear!
Bubble, bubble toil and trouble!
So much chaos, so much muddle!
I cannot bear it anymore...
But I'm not ready for Heaven's Door!
Help me!  Help me!
Please make me brave!
Save me! Save me! 
Please help me...
Save...
 
~ Panayiota
(07 October 2014)
 
So, with all this going on, I ask myself again, “Why am I doing this? Why would I put myself through so much pain and risk the whole diabetes out-of-my-control thing? Who would I be without my folds of loose skin and long flat boobs?” Altogether, I breastfed my four children for almost 11 years of my life.  I was so intent on being the best mother I possibly could be, and I believed that breastfeeding was one of the most important nurturing acts of love that I could give for my children.  “How would it feel to no longer have my long, stretched, flapping, lopsided and flat as pancakes boobs hanging down to my waist?  Would I be able to adjust to suddenly having beautiful new boobs?  Would that make me feel more whole and beautiful, like a woman should feel?  I wish I had someone to talk to about all these thoughts… All my life I hated my fat, bulging, waddling body… All my life I felt ugly and I was told I was ugly in so many ways, and now that I’ve lost so much weight, leaving me with all this looks skin, I still feel ugly… (wings on my arms, ugly wobbling thighs and butt, folds on my back and an apron of skin on my tummy too, not to mention what’s happened to my neck and face since I lost all that weight)
 
“Is it okay for me to wish for a beautiful body now in my early 60’s?  Am I too old to wish that blessing on myself?  Do I have a right to experiencing a beautiful body and feeling beautiful and fitting into smaller, well-fitting clothes?  How would people relate to me if I looked different?  Would those who do already, still love and accept me then?”
 
And then there’s the question of my Cinderella dreams that have never died.  I can’t imagine anymore, actually ever finding the Prince Charming that I dreamed of since I was a little girl.  Yet at the same time, being a woman who has always longed to be truly loved, I have never been able to rid myself of that dream.  No man will want me the way I look now… surely not!  But what if I had a more decent body… would there then be hope?  I never imagined myself even entertaining such thoughts again after being married to two abusers before… not a chance!  Yet, I’ve come so far on my healing journey… “What if?” … “What if it were now possible?”… “Can I dare to still hold a dream of being truly loved by a good man someday? Can I still hope in such a possibility?”
 
I say… “Why not? YES!  Why not?”  And so, is it wrong for me to prepare myself well for such a possibility for LOVE… body, mind and spirit… So many of my dreams have already come true… why not this one?  I’m not giving up on this dream which I have recently been able to recapture.
 
Now just to make things clear, I struggle deeply with trust issues, so there is NO WAYS I will be interested in a man I’ve never met before.  Just this last week I received an e-mail from someone hoping I’d be interested… No ways… not a chance in hell!  No offence, but no thank you!  I’d have to know the person VERY well and for a long, long time, seeing them regularly, before I’d even think about it.  The person who wrote tried his luck based on an old picture of my face that he saw… good grief!  What happens when he sees the rest of me as I am today at 61 years of age… hahahahaaa! 
 
Okay, so one more thought passed through this head of mine about why I might be contemplating this plastic surgery thing…
 
At the time of transference and countertransference experienced in therapy, I started to self-injure.  For some reason, I can share about my dangling boobs above quite openly, but sharing about the self-injury, I still find very disturbing and embarrassing, so this is hard for me.  I would take a camping tent pole (a thin metal rod), and using the same ritual I’d have to go through as a child when my mother (and stepfather) would beat me, I would use the rod to beat at my thighs, over and over again until they were black with bruises and I just couldn’t hit anymore… just like mother used to do!  The pain was unbearable, but at the same time, I experienced a deep urge to feel it… it was like a drug… I had to feel it… I needed to feel it… I felt alive when I did it!  Once I was able to see if for what it was and gain control over it, I promised myself never to go there again, because the addiction of it was so powerful, that I knew that if I kept on with it, it would end in even worse!  So, I forced a STOP to it, and no matter how much I wanted to do it again, I didn’t allow myself to.  I knew it was wrong… it was so self-destructive!
 
So, at this time, I wonder, because the urge is very much there again and has been since I separated from my group family in May… am I doing this so that I can feel the pain again… the pain that reminds me that I do exist… I am alive… I am in control (even destructive control)? 
 
Just a thought… but a scary one if it is the real reason? 
 
On this level of thought, I imagine being in the hospital… feels like I’m going on a mini holiday… I will be nurtured by nurses… someone will care. But then LOGIC hits home again… I’ll only be in that hospital for possibly two days… a rather big and even possibly dangerous operation for a 61-year-old, type 2 diabetic who is not in control of her own blood glucose for a good few hours while I’m there.  Very soon after the op, I am sure they will get me up to walk… OWEEEEE!  That’s not going to be anything near the nurturing I might be subconsciously hoping for while I’m there.  Then before I even get to really know anyone, I will be sent home… a long and I’d imagine, quite painful trip home in a moving car…
 
Let’s just leave this thought right there! 
 
Funding ~ Please help if you can
Well, whatever happens, I have not yet received any donation funding to help make the plastic surgery more possible… R2000 for the lady who will organise all the paperwork, etc. at the hospital to make it easier and quicker for me, petrol expenses, special foods to fit my diet while I’m there and then, not forgetting, a minimum of R3000 for petrol, to get to and from the three upcoming student workshops in November and for the added expense of the special meal I’d need to take with to the workshops.  A very close friend has said that they might be able to help with some funding, but any donations will help, especially if my friend won’t be able to help in the end. 
 
Yes, I DO feel embarrassed about asking for funding, but if this is the only way I can make my dreams come true and make things happen for my son and I, then I will risk the asking.  Only those who can help will help and I would not expect anyone else to.  I also wouldn’t expect someone who has helped before to help again… so please, forgive me the asking and only if you can help, I’d be very grateful if you do.
 
If anyone can help with funding, please see the blue donation details below.  Thank you so much.
 
I would like to thank all those who have supported my decision to have plastic surgery done… you have given me the courage I need to move forward with this.  I look forward to sharing with you eventually, the other side of whatever might be done to relieve me of all the loose skin.
 
Thank you for sharing with me today
 
~ Panayiota
 
Smiling Through Depression: (Learning to practice self-kindness)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kx3dpO6ys5s

A While back, I picked up a little shopping magazine called GET IT, that is often displayed without charge in certain shops.  I was surprised to see inside, an advertisement put out by a plastic surgeon with her contact details added.   I sat with it for a while, thinking how much I would love to have help with all my ugly loose skin after losing so much weight.  Being August, and National Women’s Month, I started to think that maybe, I should write to the doctor and ask if there is any possibility… I was kind of hoping against hope, because I cannot afford plastic surgery…   
 
On Monday 20th August, I plucked up the courage to write: (minor changes … to fit with my blog)
 
Dear Dr J,
 
Please excuse my impertinence, but I’ve learned that I will never know if I don’t ask. 
 
I am an adult survivor of severe child abuse who lived a broken life filled with other disappointments, losses and abuses.  I lived in the victim role for 50 years and no therapy ever helped me until I met a certain therapist and started studying Logotherapy in my 50’s which has totally changed my life around.  I am now 61 years, happier and more productive than I can ever remember being.  
 
Since 2012, due to healthier eating habits and much emotional healing, I have lost 52kg’s and am healthier than I can ever remember being before but left with so much ugly loose skin.  I am currently on the medical aid plan which will not cover plastic surgery.  Of course, I’d love to have all the loose skin sorted out but will never be able to afford it.
 
Would you consider helping me to have at least the horrible kangaroo pouch removed.  It is so awful to me and represents a terrible flashback from my past.  I would love to have it off.  It is terribly embarrassing also, because if I bend over to pick something up, even if I’m in a sitting position, it makes a nasty sound! I can just die when that happens in public and I must explain to them that it’s due to the loose skin on my abdomen.
 
I have come so far in my personal growth, even to the point that I can now say that I am the Victor of my own life and doing as much as I can to help others find their healing also.  I am finishing the writing of my biographical book at this time and keep a blog www.pattyskeys.co.za where I totally expose my struggles as an adult survivor of severe child abuse, and how I work tirelessly to face my struggles in search of my healing, in the hopes that what I share that other abuse sufferers might identify with, will be healing to them too.  (it is a kind of research work on myself for the sake of not only myself but others... which I strongly believe is my life's purpose).  Being Woman's month, I felt to dare to ask... 
 
Thank you for your time,
Yours sincerely,
Panayiota
 
I was really surprised on the same day, when the Dr e-mailed me back:
Dear Panayiota,
 
Thank you so much for your email.  I am so sorry for the hardships you suffered!
 
I have closed my practice as I am going overseas.  You could consider … Hospital and ask for Dr B. Phone receptionist A at (number).
 
Kind regards
 
Dr J
Plastic and Reconstructive Surgeon
 
Feeling very grateful, I did respond to Dr J, but felt too shy to phone Dr B.  It was easier for me to e-mail and hope for the best… but if I called, I’d need to be braver… so I left it a few days while I plucked up more courage which I finally did on the 29th August when I called Dr B’s receptionist (A) and asked if she had an e-mail address for the Dr.  She was so sweet on the phone that I immediately felt safe talking to her.  She very kindly gave me her own e-mail address and I sent the following email for her to pass onto Dr B.
 
Dear Dr B
 
I recently wrote a letter to Dr J and she responded so kindly, referring me to you.  Please if you have time, could I ask you to read and consider my plea below.  
 
Yours sincerely,
 
Panayiota…
(phone number)
 
That same night, Dr B phoned me.  I could not believe it!  She spoke to me for ages and it felt as though I was chatting with a close friend.  She answered all my questions and was so kind.  I was shocked that she was telling me that it was all possible and that she was happy to help me.  It felt so surreal that I could not take it all in… it was too much kindness for me to absorb or accept all in one go… I even said to her, that it was very unusual for a receptionist and Dr to be so friendly and kind like that, or a Dr, in their off-duty time, to actually phone a prospective client and chat away merrily like that… I asked her how it could be… she responded that they were Christian and loved to help women where they could.  I was so overwhelmed by it all, that after I put the phone down, I became extremely detached… the doubting and non-trusting part of myself even started saying… it was too good to be true… maybe it really was too good to be true… and then it even started to feel as though I’d dreamed it all… so weird…… so far away!
 
The next morning, 30th August, I wrote to the receptionist (A) again:
Dear A,
 
I spoke to Dr B last night and I cannot believe how kind you all are.  I still can't get over how long she spoke to me on the phone.  It felt like I was talking to a best friend and had to keep reminding myself that she was a doctor whose time I was taking up, but she made me feel so special and welcomed on the phone.  I was in shock and on another planet afterwards and forgot the lady's name who she asked me to call re: assistance for a fee.  The Dr. sent me the lady's number, but because I was so far away on another planet by the time I saw the number, I thought that it belonged to someone inquiring about our Logotherapy courses... I'm sure I made a total fool of myself and completely baffled the poor lady (R) when I called her.  
 
Too get that ugly skin off my stomach is a dream come true... unbelievable!  I just cannot believe it's suddenly a possibility!
 
I need to make an appointment with Dr B but must first work out some logistics in my head of how I'm going to make this happen from my side.  I would also need to raise donations, just for the petrol and for the lady R's help, and other unforeseen expenses that might possibly come up.
​

•     My work at home, job responsibilities and life in general is very demanding of my      energies and time... so one question I'd need to ask you, is that if I had the skin        removed from my stomach, approximately how long would I be in hospital away        from home and my work?  
•     (I shared my quietest months that an operation would be possible for me.) and
•     My biggest fear is how I will be able to keep to my diet while I'm in hospital.  I          control type 2 diabetes, gout and all the other health problems that I used to have by diet        alone and have worked it out perfectly for my needs and have never been healthier as a          result.  With my modified Banting lifestyle eating plan, I don't eat any carbohydrates, seed      oils or sugars (including fruits) and certain other foods.  Who would I be able to organise to      help me by bringing the foods I'd need... which of course I'd pay for myself and would            even prepare in advance, etc. but I'd need a fridge/freezer to store the food in and a way        to warm my food up, etc.  (I've WhatsApped a friend who used to live in Brits to see if she      is still there...  maybe she could help).  [She has not responded, so I don’t know if she still       has the number I called, left the country or what]

 
​It's so far away from my family and other helpers... so many thoughts buzzing through my head... I cannot believe that plastic surgery is a REAL possibility...  my mind is in a total whirl with over-excitement at the possibility and at the same time... anxiety of how I'm going to get it all right so that it can happen.
 
If you have any answers for the above, especially, how long I should be in hospital for the tummy skin removal, I'd be very grateful... 
 
Thank you for your time, I hope your day will be a wonderful one and please send my greetings to Dr B and R if you see them today.
 
I will get back to you for an appointment as soon as I can work out in my own head how this all can be made possible from my side... 
 
God bless you all,
 
Gratefully,
Panayiota.
 
As I had not received a response yet by the evening and was feeling very anxious, I WhatsApped the Dr to ask if she could just tell me please how long the hospital stay would be, and I finished off my note with: “I will phone tomorrow to make an appointment.  I have to start somewhere and if our God has brought me to it, He will surely see me through it.  Thank you so much.”
 
Once again, Dr B wrote such a lovely response… how amazing is this:
“Hi Mrs. Ryall!  Glad to hear from you!  When you come for a consultation I will take your history, do a thorough examination, talk about which procedure will fit you best, complications, etc. If I find with the examination that you require a standard abdominoplasty, you can look at your hospital stay to be around 1-2 days, depending on how you feel you cope.  Most people stay two days.  Because we are a government hospital we have limited theatre space, so between the consultation and surgery there might be a couple of months.  I suggest, come see me, then we can chat about all these things, and one the payment is sorted, we can look at theatre lists.  It is best to make an appointment sooner rather than later, because there is a waiting list with regards to theatre.  I hope this helps 😊 😊”
 
Yesterday, 31st August, I tried to call to make an appointment, but no answer at the time I called, so sent receptionist (A) an e-mail requesting an appointment date.  I will phone again on Monday. (3rd September) 
 
I’m so excited about this… I genuinely feel that it is yet another wonderful Miracle in my life.  I believe in Miracles… every day Miracles and can’t believe that this HUGE one has been granted to me.
 
I did not tell the Dr that I’d recently put on weight… it is something I could discuss with her when I see her, and she will more than likely request that I lose it before the operation… I’m okay with that, because since I spoke to her first on the 29th August, I have my eating control and motivation back again!  (not nibbling in-between meals)
 
On the 29th August, I weighed in at 29.3 kg’s on my old scale, (30th – 78.9kg’s), (31st – 77.4kg’s), (1st September – 77.9kg’s) … it’s not going to happen overnight, but I’m back on track… watch this space!
 
On the night of the 30th, I had the most terrible sleepless night due to too much excitement!  So bad that at 3am, I took 1/8th sleeping tablet and finally fell asleep, waking around 8am! 
 
The Dr also mentioned that depending on how well I do after the first operation, they might see to the other areas of need for plastic surgery that I might require … like all the loose skin on my arms.  So, this might be ongoing for a little while… I will keep you all updated and might even consider posting before and after pictures.  For now, the tummy pouch is my greatest need for removal… it’s horrible! 
 
I’m so happy to have this dream coming true, and I’m asking my friends and family out there to please come together to help me make it happen through donations.
 
I would need:

• The hospital is about 1 hour 20 minutes away, so I’d need petrol money for my son to drive me there and pick me up again when I’m discharged.
• I will need to organize my food and drinks that I can take with to make sure that I won’t be too far off my diet while I’m there.
• I will need new underclothes, because I can’t be seen dead in the tattered, oversized underclothes that I am wearing now.  I use safety pins to make them small enough to fit me.  (I’m always using my money for my son and unforeseen expenses, but hardly ever for myself.  I could really do with new underclothes… just for me!  I also only have one old bra that fits decently without pinching… and one that is not 100% comfortable and does pinch.
• I’d need to make sure I can stay in contact via my cell-phone.
• There is a lady at the hospital who becomes like a companion to a patient who is willing to pay for her services.  She will organize all the paperwork to avoid queues.  She guides the patient through the whole process and I would love for that kind of help.  As a first timer in a new area and with my negative past experiences of government hospitals, I’d be so appreciative of her assistance.  She charges R2000.

 
Most importantly, before even considering all of these expenses, I would still need to cover the R3000 petrol expenses to get to and from the students’ examination workshops in Pretoria in November (because petrol prices have gone up so high now). 
 
So, for right now, I’m asking to raise up to R5000 to make sure that all the hospital needs are covered, and hopefully with some left over towards the petrol for November, so that I won’t need to ask as much by then.
 
If you can help, I’d be so grateful. 
 
Thank you for your time and consideration,
 
~ Panayiota

​


























The WORK of learning how to let-go of the nightmares of our past is so very worth it! 
 
An adult survivor of child abuse cannot just LET GO and cannot be expected to!  It’s a most ridiculous notion to expect it of anyone who has suffered child abuse, because there is (are) a broken inner child (inner children) involved.  But by putting in the necessary personal self-work… continuously… it letting go can gradually be achieved.

• Working on attitudinal values…
• Taking on more and more responsibility for our own lives and behaviours…
• Checking on our thoughts, our actions and reactions and modifying constantly until a RIGHT and HEALING balance is met…
• Understanding ourselves more and more…
• Facing the reality of our past and believing in the possibilities for our future… believing that they do exist, even if we can’t see them yet…
• Seeing how our warped perceptions and the relentless negative and destructive script messages of our past have been affecting our state of being and our relationships…
• Working on how to correct the status quo of our lives by remembering how it was during the status quo ante times (the state of affairs that existed with us previously)…
• Realizing how negative and destructive and debilitating they were and how much better it feels as healing and personal growth is taking place and choosing to seek more healing and growth.
• Realising that FREEDOM from our pasts and PEACE can at last, truly be ours.

 
I just wrote to a friend who works with abused girls in Guatemala: I can't wait to share my good news with everyone in my next blog post. The more we as adult survivors of child abuse work towards our healing and to improve ourselves and our lives, the more the blessings of freedom, peace, growth and miracles come and it's an incredible thing to witness happening to one's self and be a part of... But the thing is, to never-ever give up on the work that is needed to get there... I'm LOVING the journey.
 
My very special friend, Mary-Anne, shared this video with me on Facebook this morning (link below) and I felt to share it here also, because I believe that this is the journey I'm already on and it's been an incredible healing journey… an AWAKENING for me.  Still a way to go, but each step further along the road of my life has been exhilarating and wonderful! I cannot wait to see what STILL is to come… good things waiting for me around each new bend and on the other side of all the obstacles that still try to stop me!
 
Still climbing my mountain and the view is getting better and better...
 
I WILL NEVER-EVER GIVE UP!
 
VIDEO:  Don’t allow yourself to be controlled by these 5 things
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQ7XCalQfx0
 
I included my drawing, because it represents freedom to me.

Thank you for sharing with me today. 
~ Panayiota

The day before yesterday I receive a phone call that very quickly triggered my inner rebel side, Patricia to surface once more, along with her unique set of deeply struggling emotions.  I was supposed to go to post a Student’s study pack around the time of the call, being my lunch time, but the caller left me so disturbed that I was actually frozen in time for a while.  The rising flood of frustration and anger in me became so HUGE yet again, that I knew that it was important to just get up and go… going out would help to defuse the negative emotions.  So, after about an hour of breathing the overwhelming frustration in a distant and foggy place that I fought with myself to surface from, I eventually managed to take myself off to the PostNet. 
 
The intensity of my feelings was still strong when I arrived there, and I had to concentrate on not letting it show on my face.  I’ve learned that if I purposely change my expression to a more positive one and work on my feelings at the same time, I can often reverse the state I find myself in… and it does work.  So, I imagined myself feeling kind and put on a kind expression… smiled at one or two people and it definitely helped, especially when they smiled back… but… the past-damage is still too deep, and I found myself heading straight for the cooked chicken oven and then racing home to eat it… I wanted to dive into it while I was still in the car but forced myself to wait until I got home…
 
It was definitely a surge of overpowering addictive-eating-gratification-need that had returned… surfacing from my past (pre-2013)!  The need to stuff myself silly was totally gripping… I rushed into the house and it was all I could do to take the time just to shut the door behind me before the eating frenzy began… I ate almost the entire chicken as fast as I could and felt euphoric and totally intoxicated doing so… very little was left on the bones by the time I was done and couldn’t eat anymore.
 
I have put on +4kg’s since May when all the trouble had come to a head and Patricia was triggered to the surface then.  I can’t seem to work out what I’m doing differently as far as eating goes… maybe I’m just in denial, I don’t know… but something has changed… it must have! 
 
For a long time, my weight was settled between 74kg’s-75kg’s… and on January 10th, I even dipped as low as 73.8kg for that day.  Then, at the end of April-June I stayed in the 76kg range… and my weight gain started to creep up on me from then on, reaching as high as 78.2kg by the end of July!  I did all that I could to get it under control, but I just couldn’t seem to get it right!  My weight has stayed in the 38kg range for most of August, reaching as high as 79.3 by yesterday!  AARGH! 
 
But then… something wonderful happened yesterday that I believe will help me to take control of my eating once more… I will write about it in the next post… it’s HUGE… WONDERFUL… EARTH SHATTERING (for me) and just the most AMAZING MIRACLE once more to come my way… and NO… I’m not pregnant or getting married… hahahaha! 
 
I cannot wait to share it with you all, but I have been so busy today, that I haven’t had a chance to get to writing about it yet.  I will probably only be able to share it with you tomorrow sometime if work isn’t too heavy.  I hope for a quiet day.
 
For now, though, I have to attempt to clear up some people’s misguided judgements against me for choosing not to attend the meetings connected to the group where the problem came to a head in May.  Once again, I need to reiterate that when Patricia is triggered to the surface, her intensity is too strong for me to personally cope with… I cannot even begin to explain the intensity of frustration, anger and anxiety that rises with her each time.  It is a very destructive force within me which I believe is capable of not only killing me and killing my relationships, but also hurting others… I therefore CHOSE to step out of the situation that had triggered her, so as to not only protect my own mental integrity, but the integrity of the group also. 
 
I am not doing this because I’m sitting in my little corner pouting…
I am not doing it to make someone else feel bad…
I am not doing it to hurt anyone…
 
I am doing this because it helps me to cope and heal from my own overwhelming emotions which had become out of control.  I have felt a real sense of total relief since I left the group.
 
Perhaps you remember reading this poem before:
 
Intensity
The intensity is more than I can bear!
Burning acid on every rip and tear!
Bubble, bubble toil and trouble!
So much chaos, so much muddle!
I cannot bear it anymore...
But I'm not ready for Heaven's Door!
Help me!  Help me!
Please make me brave!
Save me! Save me! 
Please help me...
Save...
 
~ Panayiota
(07 October 2014)
 
My mentor wanted me to attend the groups as part of my job description and I’ve enjoyed the experience up till now.  So, I wrote to her first to tell her I would like to stop attending.  I will share parts of our communications to try and solve the problem for those who are misconstruing my motives.  (Should they continue to struggle to grasp my situation and choices, I will need to repost the post that I believe Patricia wrote when she had surfaced in May, because she had experienced the “mother always wins” games once more… and she continues to surface periodically still for the same reason, as with the call the other day!
 

The letter I wrote to my mentor:
From: Panayiota
Sent: Friday, July 20, 2018 8:21 AM
To: Teria…
Subject: Stepping back for a time...
 
Dearest Teria…
 
I have decided after much thought, that I will no longer be able to attend the Advanced and Diplomate workshops or supervision meetings. 
 
I do not wish to explain why, other than to say that for the sake of my own sanity and others, it is best this way and I feel a huge sense of relief in making this decision.  I have learned in my life that getting too close always causes problems and I am completely unable to cope with the emotional fall-out I experience almost as death-loss… it is far too big for me.
 
Please, I am asking you with all my heart, not to pressure me on this.  I will allow no visitors until you have accepted my wish as I do not want to discuss it at all.
 
I love my job and that is all I need and there are so many other very important things I need to be doing with any spare time I can muster… my book/s being at the top of my list.  I finished marking the students’ portfolios this morning, so now I should have more time to get to my book.
 
This is the best decision for all… not only for me.
 
Thank you so much and I pray you will understand and let me do this for me right now.
 
Please… there is no need to respond, other than just to reassure me that you understand and accept my wishes…
 
Teria responded exactly as I had hoped she would:
From: Teria
Sent: Sunday, July 22, 2018 4:31 PM
To: Panayiota…
Subject: Re: Stepping back for a time...
Dearest Pan,
 
To me, this is a right choice.  We all have to sort out exactly where our assigned places in life are.  So many activities, though very good and in many ways satisfying, can eat into our time that we need to spend with things that matter more.  I find it so fascinating that a restlessness, a kind of dissatisfaction, a kind of disillusionment, discomfort and even hurt, can be signs that we are needed more elsewhere.  We are in a sense called back onto a path that only we can walk.  Not that we were not a blessing during the time we spent away from the more central and important things in our lives and that we have not gained a lot away from our primary tasks in life, but is our continued time away from what is still waiting to be done by us, essential?  Are we irreplaceable there or irreplaceable where we are meant to be?
 
I only want you to see this not as something negative, namely, as a self-defensive withdrawing from a hurtful situation, but as something supremely positive.  It is self-defensive, yes, but in which way?  If your energies get wasted or if your person feels abused, then such a withdrawal from the situation is absolutely called for.  We have the responsibility to treasure our persons, to give ourselves to where we are absolutely irreplaceable.  Nobody can write or work on your book or get it completed but you, Pan.  In the same way there are precious tasks as the secretarial administrator of our Institute that only you can do and nobody else.  We have been in the process of removing you from administrative duties that others can also do so why waste your energies even there!  Your role is all the more one of being intimately at my side and at the side of the students at the very inception of their training as logotherapists.  Your interaction with all our new students is invaluable.  And so is your involvement in presenting your riveting story and other power-point presentations during the introductory workshop…  Your role in the workshops was not to be diminished!... I regard the introductory course as a springboard or platform from which all the further courses in logotherapy is launched.  You are absolutely needed and have an irreplaceable role to play there!  I heartily, therefore, endorse your decision!...
 
I then responded:
…I cannot begin to express my gratitude to you for your profound understanding of my deeper needs at this time, and for endorsing my choice in this matter.  I am so deeply indebted to you for your beautiful words that always help me to make better sense, even of my own thoughts and choices… you put into words for me, exactly what I am trying to say to the world… thank you so very much for being such a treasure to my heart and soul… I am very… VERY… grateful for my work and that I can work from home.  I am most grateful for YOU, because I fear that without my job and your steadfast encouragement and profound understanding… I don’t know where I’d be today.  I’d much rather be right here, right now, than to ever go back to all those broken years before Logotherapy found me.  I am so grateful for TODAY!...
 
 
I hope now that if anyone from the group is reading this, that you will understand better and stop saying things that make me feel uncomfortable for making a decision which I feel is right for me and most beneficial to all.
 
Goodnight beautiful world and sweet dreams,
 
~ Panayiota Ryall

My computer crashed, June 2017.  I lost all my poems written after 1st June 2014.  It was devastating!  I had not printed my poems in three years, so all was lost. 
I personally nearly lost it completely, because many of my work files were also crashed… lost my most recent self-editing on my book with only 36 pages to go before sending to publishers and so much more!

But then a miracle started to happen as far as my poetry collection goes
​

• Some poems saved to poetry sites were rescued.
• Friends I had sent poems to since June 14 sent copies back to me.
• And not so long ago this year (2018), by some miracle, I found a flash disc with all my poems up to the 15 November 2016 on it.
• On the 29 August 2018 (Yesterday), I started to put it all together… reconstructing my poetry collection and made backups.  I printed out every poem that had not been printed out yet and now I will need to cut out and glue every one of them into a book and index them at the back of the book.  I feel so much better now that they are printed.  I still have over 1000 of my poems saved.
• I was only able to find three 2017 poems, so my 2017 collection is for now, mostly lost.  I think I wrote very little last year though, so hopefully I haven’t lost anything important from then.  I am hoping that I will still find more 2017 poems in drawers, etc. that I might have printed along the way. I might also find some 2017 poems on my blog.  It’s just the job of going through all the posts to find them.  Time is needed! 

Thank you to my friends and my Father God, for all that is rescued so far.  I am very grateful.
 
~ Panayiota

To all who share my blog posts with me, this is to let you know that as from today, three years after I started my blog, I have at last opened my blog to commenting. 

I look forward to hearing from you all and getting to know better, those who share my life stories with me through these pages.

To leave a comment on any of the posts, you need not include your real name... you can use a pseudonym instead if you prefer.  You also do not need to add your e-mail address or a website address.  Add your e-mail address only if you wish to receive notification of any other responses or comments to the same post you commented on. 

I feel happy to be opening comments to you all now, because I am so grateful for the time you take so share with me, by reading my writings.  

Thank you very much... I am truly grateful for your presence here.

~ Panayiota

8 August ~ Managed just over 5 hours sleep last night... crazy!  Yesterday I shared photos I’d taken with my little camera, a Sony DSC-S800 with other bug photography enthusiasts on the Facebook page, “S.A. Butterflies, Bugs, Bees and other small things”.  I was so pleased with how well the photos turned out using the Macro setting on the camera my little sister gave me in 2012 when I visited her in Canada… and we attended the Logotherapy World Congress in Dallas Texas together then also… it was such a wonderful, wonderful time!  I just love the camera so much, but never really learned how to use it properly yet.  Seeing the other people’s incredible photographs there on the Facebook page inspired me to work out how to use it for myself.  I’m sure I need to learn a lot more about how to use it, but for now I had some encouraging success with it.  The reaction of the other photographers to my photographs made me feel so good and I think it was all too much excitement responding to so many unexpected comments, and that’s why I never slept well… hahaha! 
 
9 August ~ So, my Woman's Day here in South Africa was a quiet one... I suffered an all-nighter migraine and lay awake most of the night in extreme discomfort!  The kind of throbbing pain, that if I cry or panic, I know it will get a whole lot worse, so I just lay there staring into the darkness concentrating on trying to stay calm and relaxed.  I took pain meds before I went to sleep and got in a few short hours of sleep, then around 3am, when I couldn't take the pain anymore, I took more pain meds and thankfully the headache started to fade not long after I woke from another short sleep.  Felt very washed out and tight headed all day.  It felt like a bad tension migraine, because my neck and back were in a knot and felt better when I massaged where I could reach.
 
Our helper, Shem came and finished off the brickwork in my vegetable garden.  He's a good man!  I defy anyone to tell me otherwise!  I am so grateful once more for his kind and willing assistance. 
 
So... when Shem had done his work and I was letting him out of our gate, I noticed a whole lot of cars parked outside of my neighbours house and a big hullabaloo going on between all the people there... a man sees me and runs to ask me if I know where the man who lives next door is... I tell him I don't know, and it's been quiet next door just lately... he asks if the mom is there... I'm thinking they are friends because he seems friendly, so say no, she's probably at work at the pharmacy.  He reminds me it's a public holiday and goes to knock at their door... nobody answers, so, they all go rushing off.  I then realised that there might be some trouble brewing with our young neighbour who we have reported recently for his inconsiderate nonsense and breaking their gate which has also caused a widening crack in our wall!  I felt terrible, wondering if they were going to embarrass or frighten the old lady at her work.  I wish I’d never told the man that she was at the pharmacy which is close to where we live. 
 
About an hour later, the son arrived back and I have to admit, I was actually scared.  What if he is dangerous?  I have been on "Danger alert" from the first time I met him... EEEK! ... I'm also scared he will take revenge on us or damage our car which is parked in the same carport we share together with our neighbours! 
 
What is sad though, is that it seems that my previous neighbour who I had believed had become a very close friend, is no longer messaging me and she is ignoring my messages to her… I can only imagine, because I dared to complain about the young man who was staying with his parents who are renting from my previous neighbour.  Friendship is far too important to me to play games like that with… if the previous owner no longer cherishes the friendship we built up during her stay here, before she moved, and if she can let a good friendship go so easily, then I guess that’s the end of that then.
 
It’s how it always is… real friendships are seldom true I’ve discovered.  Which friendship can I really trust… WHO?  I guess that’s why I don’t like people to get too close and don’t trust easily.  It always hurts when I’ve given so much of my love and trust to someone else and it is thrown back into my face like this… HUMPH! 
 
And life goes on…
 
Pm: I had a wonderful drive with my sister and nephew to go and pick up my other nephew... it was so needed. We went to the North West Province, right near (Hartbeespoort Dam), and on the way we saw cows, horses, warthogs, springbok, donkeys and a monkey and I also saw guineafowl.  We loved the mountains and vast fields and bush, and on the way home, we enjoyed a beautiful big orange-ball sunset I felt thoroughly rejuvenated and ready for a good night’s sleep by the time we arrived home.
 
I LOVE MY FAMILY <3 <3 <3
 
10 August ~ I had Shem here all morning helping me with high-dusting... a long overdue, much needed job!  With the donations I received last month, I was able to do so much and feel overwhelmed with gratitude for the kindness that we received.
 
Because we don't have finished walls, there is a good 1cm ledge on each brick as it juts out of the walls and all the dust collects on them.  So, Shem used a broom (and the vacuum) to sweep the walls! He also washed shelves and vacuumed carpets, under beds, etc. I cannot begin to tell you how grateful I am to him also, for his hard work ethic and integrity.
 
I also worked hard, especially after he’d gone, because I needed to put things back on shelves and rearrange, etc.
 
11 August ~ am: Drove my dad and youngest son to work… a good drive away and on the way home, I stopped in to visit my daughter in law to meet their two new puppies.  Their house is not far from my youngest son’s place of work, so before I drove to her house, I let her know I’d be there in just a few minutes, so that she would send me her gate entrance code.  I was halfway up the hill (on the way home)… quite far from her house already when I realised I’d forgotten to turn at the robots after I had left my son’s work, so I had to turn around to go back!
 
Some things just can’t be explained when you get to my age!  Good grief!  I just shake my head at myself.
 
Pm: My oldest son (recently divorced) came to visit me which was a wonderful surprise.  He seemed a little down in the dumps and lonely when he arrived… spoke about feelings of not belonging in this world… not fitting in… not being understood… needing to find friends like himself… people who would understand and accept him.  My heart went out to him in a big way, because I truly understood and empathized 100%.  I knew exactly what he was saying and how horrible and lonely it feels to be in that state of difference in this world.  He was a lot happier by the time he left to go have supper with my littlest sister… I’m glad he came out to visit us all and just pray he will be able to find his true place in this world soon… he’s suffered so many terrible trials and tragedies already in his short life… starting with child abuse also… God bless him… There are people who should love him unconditionally today, but don’t… it breaks my heart and unsettles my soul terribly.
 
12 August ~ Drove my younger son and father to work again and ended up getting home too late to get ready in time for church.  Later in the day I went to visit my daughter for lunch while her husband was away on a business trip. I always enjoy her company so very much. 
 
I could get so mad with myself!  We were enjoying our lunch together in my daughters very quiet and peaceful garden, and she finished eating before me.  I immediately started to feel self-conscious, in case she could hear me chewing… totally ridiculous… and because I was feeling self-conscious, I bit my tongue badly… ANAH!!! 
 
Anyway, I took our little dog with to play with my daughter’s dogs and although she doesn’t let my daughters’ dogs get too close, she absolutely loves it there.  She spends her whole time strolling around their garden exploring everything with her nose.
 
Back at my home in the afternoon, I started work on my book again, but only managed a few pages… I’m having a very slow start to the self-editing thing.
 
Previously, on the 4 August ~ after managing only 26 of 201pages, I stopped, because the next title covered where I spoke about how I honestly believe that my 2nd husband might have managed to sexually abuse all of my children, so, I just couldn’t go there straight away… it was evening and I didn’t want to go to bed thinking about all that… the stuff my nightmares are made of!
 
12 August ~ Managed to get back to my book today... still slow progress... stopped on page 33.5 of 201... 167.5 more pages to go… BIG tiredness suddenly overcame me, so I couldn’t go on.  Rehashing over the past is exhausting.  I cannot wait for this book to be done!
 
13 August ~ Today, with my son off duty, we drove to Unisa in Pretoria to pick up books for our students.  I worried about the amount of petrol we would use but I needed those books… I felt I just could not make our new students wait for them. 
 
On the way, I was pulled over by police… I’ve always wondered how I’d survive that, because it has never happened to me before and looked so scary to me.  Anyway, what a lovely officer he was.  He asked if I had my license, I said yes and while I was digging for it in my bag, he checked the car’s license, came back to my window and said it was ok, I could go… but so polite… I still showed him my license anyway and thanked him for doing his work and wished him a good day.  It turned out to be a very pleasant experience indeed.
 
Collecting the books from Unisa was also a surprisingly good experience for my son and I.  The people at Unisa Press were so polite and helpful. 
 
I then took my son to visit the Cow Farm.  Armed with my little old camera, we were so disappointed with the fact that we couldn't find much in the way of little creatures to photograph there.  I'm pleased with my lizard photo but wished for a closer shot of the fly.  I felt really, REALLY sad that insects are so scarce these days.  I am hoping that summer will bring more little creatures for me to photograph.
 
I remember my childhood and so many goggas everywhere. We couldn't walk on a lawn without grasshoppers and other little grass bugs jumping in every direction... But now we're lucky if we can find a single moth visiting our house at night... it's really, very sad.  At least the “S.A. Butterflies, Bugs, Bees and other small things” Facebook page and the beautiful posts there, brings some hope that there are still a variety of little creatures out there... but still, I feel sad imagining them becoming extinct at the rate things are going.  I want to take as many photos I can for my grandchildren to enjoy and teach them to appreciate and take care of our little creatures now while we have them.
 
Brown cow:  It’s amazing what sort of things I notice and ponder very deeply and that can mess with my head sometimes.  When we arrived at the cow farm, we sat in our car for a while, facing a field with cows on it.  We enjoyed our picnic in the car.  We noticed a group of black and white cows huddled around a trough that they were eating from, and a good few meters from the, all alone and strolling around on its own, was a brown cow.  WHY?  I wondered… why was there that one different colour cow and why was it keeping itself separated from the others?  Surely a cow doesn’t have a colour problem!  And then, off my mind goes on a philosophically emotional journey all on its own comparing the cow scenario to our human existence in this world… Why?  Why? Why?  Why should anyone feel pushed aside, because they are different in any way?
 
Then we went to visit the calves in their tiny little pens where they were lying on hay.  I ache for those little calves… each isolated in those cold, shady pens which for some reason made me think of the concentration camps.  I wondered if I should ever go look at them again… the inner child part of me just wants to delight in seeing and touching the baby cows… but another part of me identifies with what I imagine is their pain and loneliness.  I think of abused children… how much it hurts me to be aware of them and the people who are not doing their best to help them… would I just turn my back, because it hurts me so much to see them and because it makes me feel uncomfortable…
 
I said to my son… that the way some of those little calves responded to us… sticking out their long tongues, as if to try and drag us in to play with them, or just to hug them, and reaching up their little heads as close to us as they could and shutting their eyes as we scratched their necks… we were giving them a moment of happiness… company… love… attention…
 
The phenomenal POWER of a moment in time or a genuine heartfelt smile
Was that moment worth something to those little calves?  It was just a moment, but surely a moment of loving kindness is better than nothing at all from us.  If it was all we could give, then it had to be worth something.  So, as uncomfortable as it was for me to see them in their miserable state… I did feel good that we could give them a little of our time.  Should it not be the same for the children (and the aged and lonely, etc.) of this world… to show them that we care… a child begging on the cold hard street corner… could a gentle smile be better and kinder than an indifferent turn up of our nose and a shoo away with a flip of our hand?
 
Some of the only good memories I have as a child and the ones I believe had the greatest impact on my life, were the brief encounters with genuine loving kindness.  I write more about those in my book.  But if we realise just how much power for good and life-sustaining influence we can have on the entire life of a broken child, by just those small moments of kindness and goodness freely given to them, then we would not hesitate to be better and do better for their sakes.   
 
When we arrived back from Pretoria, I took my youngest son to buy himself some new underpants and a few pairs of socks.  We had run out of our donation-money by then, so I wasn’t able to buy extra work shirts for him… those will have to wait a bit longer.
 
I was extremely tired and totally wiped out by the evening and had a good night’s sleep after taking a slow-release magnesium tablet which helps me to sleep.
 
14 August ~ Extreme dissociation and wiped-out tiredness... I could barely hold myself up all day long.  I felt as though I had a deep-blocked depression.  Was it due to the stressful day of traveling the day before or the hurting-stress of seeing those little stuck-calves… I was not sure what exactly had triggered it…
 
Book self-editing work pm… only managed a few pages yet again… up to page 36 of 202 pages (166 pages to go) I am adding and trying to take away at the same time… I do want the book to be a lot shorter, but so far I’m not succeeding at deleting any parts.
 
15 August ~ Today was my Greek name day... for one day I can BE Panayiota.  I lovingly remember those rare few people who have ever honoured me with my own name during my lifetime... my Greek mom (stepmother) especially. Thankfully I have been introducing myself as Panayiota to our new students and I'm being honoured more often now with my own true name and I'm loving it.
 
My dear old daddy phoned to wish me happy name day but once again called me Pat throughout our conversation… ludicrous… but I have accepted it now.  My mother changed my name after their divorce, and I guess everyone got to know me as Patty as that’s what she called me from then on.  I must just accept that some people will never be able to know me by my true name… it’s okay… I now choose to give honour to my adolescent inner rebel self, by allowing her name, Patricia (even shortened to Pat) to be mentioned by those who are used to addressing me that way.  Patricia deserves to hear her name also.
 
My littlest sister also remembered my name day and visited with a gift of meat for my son and I, to grill for supper… a lovely-yummy treat!  I was very grateful that she remembered.
 
We are watched over… Just yesterday I wrote about how sad I was about not seeing so many goggas anymore and today, when I came home from a morning outing to visit one of our dear old church lady friends, as I walked through my gate, I spotted a great big green locust chilling on my lettuce.  I recognised instantly that it was a gift from Heaven!
 
NOBODY could ever convince me that we are not being watched over by Heaven… this sort of thing has happened to me so many times in my life, that I cannot begin to entertain the idea of coincidences anymore.  I truly believe that a presence from the other side of the veil connected with my sadness over not seeing so many insects and creatures anymore, and they wanted to bless me with this beautiful locust today.  It was well camouflaged against the lettuce leaves, so I could have very easily missed it, but it was the first thing I saw when I came through the gate into my yard. 
 
I have friends in Heaven and I feel their love and I am overwhelmed once more with gratitude, this time for yet another gift of love to me.
 
In case you are wondering why I love little creatures so much, then here’s what I shared with someone on the “S.A. Butterflies, Bugs, Bees and other small things” Facebook page recently:
I grew up a severely abused child... so, animals and little creatures became my friends and refuge. I also spent hours looking through a microscope at the wonders of creation... or making a pet of some creature or other and finding food for it every day... I still do that today.  I guess, I feel like I'm recapturing some of that wonder now when I look at the beautiful photos on this Facebook page... it truly touches my heart. There were very few happy things I can remember from my childhood, so when I can connect with those now, it is very meaningful to me. I really, with all my heart, appreciate the work you and everyone else is doing on this page... thank you so much.  I was reminded today as I showed my grandchildren some of the photos here, of a poem I once wrote for a neighbours child who loved goggas.
 
GOGGAS!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I love goggas; I guess you won't agree,
Hairy, ugly spiders are the best that there could be.
Especially the big ones with beady little eyes,
And nasty pointed fangs that catch the passing flies.
And as for snakes, well they're just great,
When girls go near them, there're in a dreadful state.
But I don't have a problem, because snakes don't scare me.
I like them as fat and as long as can be.
Scorpions too are so much fun.
I find them under rocks, hiding from the sun.
I love their tails, arched up high,
In anticipation of a yummy insects strolling by.
Centipedes are the funniest of all,
They have hundreds of legs, but they're not very tall.
How fast they can run with all those feet,
If they run towards you, you'll spring from your seat.
I love the buzzing of the busy bees,
As they hum around flowers with pollen on their knees.
And those lovely red ants that nip so sore,
I just pull them off, oh, what a bore.
I can't understand why Mom gets so mad,
Whenever I mention the creatures I've had!
I collect them in bottles and boxes too.
Come visit anytime, I'll show them to you.
 
(23rd April 94 – For Dino – The Greatest Bug Lover Ever!)
 
This month’s unexpected expenses
I had three days of taking my daddy and youngest son to work and the trip to Pretoria and back… on the 10th August, I filled the petrol tank which came to nearly R800!  I was totally shocked, because it was only a few days before that we had put R100 in just to keep it going then.  I realise that I will be asking for R3000 to get to and from the three students’ workshops in November, otherwise I won’t make it.  Please if anyone can help… please do… I don’t want to miss any of the workshop time with my mentor and our wonderful students.
 
Whilst cleaning the walls on the 10th, the long neon bulb on the kitchen roof fell off and smashed to pieces.  Our handyman came a few days later to replace it with a normal roof light and bulb, only charging us R200 which I was grateful for, but it was still an unexpected expense.
 
The front door gate and door locks suddenly seem to be faulty... and me with my fears, imagined our scary (to me) neighbour might have been trying to get into our house while we were out... I know I'm jumping to conclusions... but that's how my mind works when someone scares me as much as he does!  So now, both locks need to be replaced... the one might just need a new key.  We have bought a new lock and keys for the front door’s security gate which no longer locks… that cost us R231.50… we still need help to put it in, because the last one does not have screws but pop-rivets instead which will need to be ground out.  If anyone living nearby is reading this and can help with that we’d really appreciate it very much. Also, the internal door lock, on the new door leading from our lounge into the hobby room still needs work… I think the hole is offset and causing problems with the functioning as a result.  My bedroom and sitting room lights need work also.  I’ve not had a roof light in my bedroom for about one or two years now since my son broke the connection trying to screw the bulb out… and the lounge light has been faulty since we moved here in 2012, so we only use the kitchen light to illuminate the lounge also which is not a lot of light for the lounge at night.
 
Thank you for sharing with me once more.  I wish goodness and blessings on all who share my writings with me.
 
~ Panayiota
 
(To comment, you need not include your real name, e-mail address or a website address… you may use a pseudonym if you prefer and leave your comment)

​On the 9th August, my overseas sister and I were having a WhatsApp conversation which I rather enjoyed so just wanted to share. 

It all started with my sister sharing a little video of her one grandson holding a microphone at church and as carefree as any happy child could be, he was singing his little head off and dancing around.  He was born with a form of congenital cancer in one ear and after many operations and much hospital care and then a wonderful miracle, he was finally cured of the cancer, but has lost hearing in that ear, so his speech is a little delayed.  Then my sister mentioned how his older brother loves singing opera and is in a school choir, which I thought was so sweet.  I told her that I was enjoying learning more about my great nephews who I have never met and joked that I think they got their singing genes from our side of the family.  We have never forgotten listening to our daddy singing when we visited him.  We loved his singing.

One of his favourite songs was, “Born Free”… he used to cry when he sang that.  My dad suffered and struggled a lot as an orphaned child and I think he carried a lot of pain inside of him.  I fancy myself as a bath-tub opera singer, hahaa!  And my sister has a beautiful voice too and loves to write the most beautiful songs, mostly with a Christian theme.  I’ve written piles of poetry which I’d love to be put to music.  My two lullabies have already been put to music and I love those.  Used to sing them to my own children.  We love singing the songs our daddy loved, because we loved them too and they remind us of him.  "Que Sera, Sera" was another one we remember that he loved, and some Greek songs which I don’t know how to spell, so can’t share.  I wish I could add voice recordings here, but it’s just too expensive.

We started to reminisce on our favourite singers and just some of our most remembered songs that we used to love and sing as we were growing up… and some we are still singing today. 

Born free (original theme song from the film of the same name)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ov6aef8DTqg

Doris Day
Que Sera Sera
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZbKHDPPrrc

Greek singer, Nana Mouskouri… we had her record and loved every song on it.
The White Rose of Athens
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hlx8Y6x0nFE
I have a dream
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7g54mit4qU

Demis Roussos… my sister’s husband used to sing just like him… too lovely!  
Forever and ever
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3vCB3YBMUo
My friend the wind
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdNkTZitRmU

The Singing Nun (1963)
Dominique 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EO7cD6qmydo

​Simon and Garfunkel
Bridge over troubled water
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4G-YQA_bsOU
Sound of silence
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAEppFUWLfc

Cliff Richard
Bachelor boy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cz9zusc7gqk
The young ones
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxNohANhJiA
Daddy’s Home
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJJuYpx0w2Q

Jim Reves
The Shifting Whispering Sands
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgAvHo6vpe4

Roger Whittaker
Elizabethan Serenade
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3-IoylSOuc
(beautiful…  my sister remembers me whistling this a lot… I have a special yodeling kind of whistle today that fascinates my grandchildren and I wonder if it was from all the practice I had when I was younger with this whistling song)

Richard Chamberlain
All I have to do is dream (Dr Kildare television series)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qxpkaasgYnk

Mike Oldfield
Tubular bells
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSRJvq4Wd48

The World of Max Bygraves
You're A Pink Toothbrush
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-rcZh0A64s

John Denver
Annie's Song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNOTF-znQyw

The Irish Rovers
The Biplane Evermore
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iEf-Vn-vfE

Sara Brightman
A song she used to sing using her soprano voice… without words… I used to sing it too, but unfortunately never got the name for it.

George Frideric Handel (My sister went to a performance of Händel Messiah)
The Hallelujah Chorus Old Version
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssYmHpjLicg

During our WhatsApp conversation, some of the songs above were ones my sister remembered most and other’s ones I remembered most and most of them we shared our memory-love for.  I’ve only included what came up first in our conversation, but there were so many, many more we could have included as we continued to reminisce after our conversation.
 
As I put together the links to the songs above, I felt very emotional… hearing the songs took me back… not to vivid memories of any kind, but to some subconscious memories long-lost to my consciousness.  All I do know is that music used to keep us going.  To this day, if I am very overtired, or in any kind of emotional distress, very often, songs from my past will surface as my subconscious connects to a current situation that triggers a foggy past-time long ago when that song might have been a comfort or strength to me then. 

The music from our past has today left a warm and comforting legacy to our souls… I don’t know if that makes sense.

Leaving a Legacy
I was ready to go to sleep, so to finish off our WhatsApp conversation, my sister who is a devout Christian wrote:  “I am just completing a bible study on Ruth for our ladies group… how the Lord weaves a story for His glory… our tiny mark on the timeline of history leaves a legacy that may impact generations hundreds of years in the future.”

I responded: “I hope we are indeed worthy of a legacy.  I have felt invisible for most of my life, so it would be good to at least die a somebody.  How wonderful my sister.  I love you.”

My sister’s response: “You are already a somebody in God’s perspective.  He does love us to do well with our dash between birth and death.”

Me: “Yes… In Heaven’s Eyes, I KNOW without doubt I’m a somebody… but I really want to finish my life as a somebody in this world too… working hard to get there…

And I love my sister’s response to that: “Sometimes our legacy is seemingly unseen, like Sister Cecilia, she had no idea that she impacted our lives so deeply.  Some people will only find out in Heaven how Amazing their lives and legacy were.”

And then my sister wished me goodnight and I wished her a good day, because we are on opposite sides of the world.

I am grateful for all who shared with me today… thank you.

~ Panayiota

I found this poem the other day.  I often forget the things I have written (especially as I’ve written well over 1000 poems since I was 12 years of age), so it’s good to be reminded sometimes.  I’d written this one in 2003… (15 years ago).  I wrote it for my mother and only in 2006, did I begin my therapy journey where I learned that it was necessary to nurture my own inner child… so today, I realise that this poem is for all adult survivors of child abuse that are struggling in a similar way to how my own mother and I struggled.  Mother was an adult survivor of severe child abuse also.
 
I’m just going to talk a bit about the meaning of the poem as I see it, but perhaps you will also see something to discuss about it and add, so I do encourage feedback if you have time please.
 
1st verse ~ The line, “And named her after me” stands out for me and I’m glad that I highlighted it in the original poem, because that makes more sense to me now.
 
I believed that my mother hated me for my weaknesses, because they merrowed her own weak and her troubled inner-child who she perhaps had not learned about yet… or could not accept.  She was unable to face her own struggles, so blamed the world and me for the turmoil she was experiencing.  She was always on the attack… her way of protecting herself… “I’ll get you, before you can get me!” … was the inner-motto I believe that she lived by… even subconsciously.
 
I think I mentioned before that as opposed to my mother’s way of handling her turmoil, my inner-motto is more on the lines of, “I’ll leave you, before you can leave me!” … although, I think this one also belonged to my mother… first she’d go into “attack and destroy” mode, and then she’d RUN!  Always on the move… never resting from her struggles… whereas, I prefer to run, before the destroying happens… the minute I feel it coming… I run… especially where I feel myself (my psyche) being further destroyed by the actions of others.  When I realise I’m not coping and that my reaction to their actions is seriously overwhelming me… that’s when it’s time to remove myself from the situation… completely!
 
I can’t tell you how relieved I feel since separating myself from various areas where I was feeling the tension was too overwhelming for me to bear… I’d rather be stuck at home entirely alone… a homebound-hermit, than in a crowd where I don’t feel comfortable, welcome, or happy… where I don’t feel totally accepted, loved and belonging.
 
But on deeply pondering recent events, it highlighted for me just how easily I can let EVERYONE GO, when just one has upset me enough to put me into that place of “not trusting in anyone or anything” anymore. 
 
If I stop to think logically about the situation that I am creating for myself… all by myself, I realise how illogical it is!
 
Just yesterday, this person or that was somebody who I totally trusted… I felt their love and acceptance, so how could I allow the breakdown of one person’s trust to have so much affect on so many of my other relationships… I need to stop that destructive and soul-destroying “psychological movement” that is able to take me so far off course… it is based on lies from my past and twisted perceptions… I cannot allow it to happen… I must stop myself from running from “ALL”, when it is only “ONE” I felt I needed to run from in the first place! 
 
So, I STOP!  I THINK!  Just yesterday, this person or that one loved me… I felt their love… I believed it was real… has anything changed between them and I for me to be trying to run from them also?  
 
NO!  Nothing has changed between us… only my perceptions and sense of trust has been damaged again and that has nothing to do with them at all… that’s my weakness, not theirs… (The self-destructive power of the damaged mind).
 
Don’t let the past beat you anymore Patty-Patricia-Panayiota… Don’t allow anymore beatings!  Don’t allow any more LOSS!
 
Okay… so I’ve got this… I understand it now… I need to stand firm to nurture my “good” relationships as opposed to running away from them also… I need to believe that they still care just like they did yesterday… they are not cross with me (mommy was cross with me many years ago… not my good friends today)… they still love me the very same today as they did yesterday… they still accept me… they still want me in their lives… I’M OK… YOU’RE OK…
 
So, even if a part of me is struggling to believe it… I must… MUST continue to nurture those “good” relationships and to keep them close… I NEED THEM! 
 
It’s the hardest thing to go against what the negative psyche is demanding… DANGER!  RUN!  NOBODY LOVES YOU!  YOU’LL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING! etc. … I can’t explain what it feels like… I have to keep telling myself… IT’S OKAY… THEY DO LOVE YOU STILL… YOU’RE NOT BAD… THEY NEED YOU TOO… IT’S OKAY… IT’S OKAY… IT’S OKAY…
 
So, I send a friendly WhatsApp message, because I realise that’s what I need to do… it’s hard… but it’s healing, especially when they respond, just the same way they did yesterday… nothing has changed… except my perception… my self-talk… I’ve been allowing myself to hear the voices from my past again…
 
Will those voices ever cease?  How dare they continue to unsettle me so powerfully… I must keep on taking my power back… I must never give in to “them”… I must NEVER give up on the battle of my life! 
 
That just made me think of another poem I once wrote… sorry… it’s a longish one… (I posted it on my blog before on the 2nd September 2015, if you want to go see what I wrote about it then… I have updated it today, as I do all my works as I gradually grow stronger and with more understanding, emotional maturity, etc.)
 
THE BATTLE OF MY LIFE
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za

The battle of my life was a bitter one indeed,
A fight to overcome abuse on the battlefield of need!
All alone I fought the evils of my past,
Every haunting enemy, until I’d killed the last!
But somehow I couldn’t beat them, for the enemy was large,
They advanced on me so often with their mighty battle charge!
The ghosts of the past I called them, with their cruel and nasty ways,
The abusers of the innocent would haunt my future days!
So often I would beat them, but always they’d return,
Just to mock and tease and cause my soul to burn!
But some mighty force within me would put out each blazing fire,
As I grew a little stronger and climbed a little higher.
It was the battlefield of memories and the battlefield of guilt,
Where I fought the strongest enemies in the place that we had built.
It was very rare indeed for a friend to join me there,
In the battle of my life, most couldn’t understand the fear.
Some would take up arms and join me, but only for a day,
For the battle was too difficult and very few would stay.
Some would stand quite out of reach and hear my desperate shout,
Then throw my words right back at me, in a twisted, teasing clout!
They’re the ones, who claimed my friendship, but never really cared,
The pain they caused was devastating, much more than I had feared!
My battle then was lonely, and never seemed to end,
I had to learn the hard way, there’s only ‘One’ whose aid will send.
When I fell upon my knees before the enemy so strong,
And looked toward the Heavens, begging to heal the wrong,
My God looked down upon me with mercy in His Eyes,
And helped me win my battle to the enemies’ surprise!
For He would send true friendship, His Love I can’t deny,
To give the strength I needed to stare the enemy in the eye.
For these rare friends stood their ground and fought right there by my side,
A force so strong and mighty, on which I trusted and relied.
They sustained and helped me through the trials that seemed the worst,
My trusting, loyal friends who helped defeat “the curse”.
Understanding, loving friends were the best gifts that I had,
On my battlefield of life, where I fought my past of bad.
With them I could defeat the beast that caused the war,
And leave that awful battlefield, victorious and sure.

(11th August 99)

A long weekend starts tomorrow for us here in South Africa.  I have one more blog post to catch up on all I felt t share with my readers… hopefully this week, and then I need to get some more self-editing work done on my book!  I must make the absolute most of my quiet time at work right now.
 
Thank you for sharing with me. 
 
~ Panayiota

    
Four very generous donations were sent to us over July, ranging from R200 to almost R5000, so all in all, we received just over R7000 as a gift to us from the kind hearts of others.  If I remember it all, I would like to share with my readers what my son and I spent this wonderful blessing on.
 
Lawn mower and weedwhacker:  We urgently needed those ever since our last neighbours moved away a few months ago.  They were so kind and used to mow our lawn for us.  With our new lawnmower, we will do our best to mow our own lawn, and the neighbours whose lawn we share.  They are very old and would not be able to do it themselves.  The old man recently broke his pelvic, so we will be only too pleased to give them a hand with our brand-new lawnmower and weedwhacker, whenever possible… such joy!  A big thank you to all those who assisted us during our times without a lawnmower, and now it’s time to pay-it-forward with the greatest of pleasure.  We bought a box of extra nylon cord for the weedwhacker so that we have a supply on hand each time it runs out in the machine.  We also bought a good quality grass rake.  The cheaper ones handing next to it in the store already had teeth missing before they were even sold, so we decided against one of those!
 
Lock for our hobby room door: We were amazed to find that instead of the R500 that our handyman quoted for a new door lock for our glass doors in our new hobby room, my son was able to find one for R155.95 at our local hardware store… we were both very pleased about that!  My youngest son who has not yet proved to be in any way handy around the house, installed the locking system himself… I was so proud of him.  I’m actually very proud of all my children right now, they grew up never even being allowed to touch or hold their stepfather’s tools in their hands… we lived in squalor conditions when they were growing up, yet my older boys in particular and my daughter and children-in-laws are all very much into building, painting, improving their homes and lives and the lives of their children, etc. I cannot begin to tell you how much this means to me… and to see my youngest son doing his little bit in our home too, brings a real sense of peace and joy to my heart and mind.
 
Vacuum cleaner:  Before we got a proper vacuum cleaner, I couldn’t wait anymore, so with the gift I bought myself a Roto Clean (a kind of push vacuum that flicks dirt into a container with its rotating bristles… Even though it’s not as strong or as big as the one’s I remember from my childhood, I don’t feel it’s a waste of money, because I cannot use a vacuum due to the dust (allergens) that still escapes a vacuum when it’s running.  And sweeping also sends dust flying, so the Roto Clean is perfect for me to keep floors clean when my sister’s helper, Esnath, is not able to come help.  A lot of dust comes into our house each day.  I see gaps where our ceiling meets the wall and wonder if that’s where a vast majority of the dust is coming from… I don’t know the words for the strip that connects the ceiling panels to the wall (like the skirting board on the floor end of the wall), so will share a photo of what I’m talking about.
 
We did buy a vacuum the other day though, when we had a chance to go to the shops.  As we hadn’t bought a new vacuum in years we had no clue what would work best and ended up buying a Genisis… which Esnath will try today if she comes, and I just hope it works well.  My daughter also gave us her old one after we had bought the new… hers, being so old does have a few problems (pipe and filter falling out) and probably won’t last much longer, but will be good to do the initial vacuuming with, because it’s been a long time since we could do the job properly.  If the new vacuum works well, we might then pass the old one onto someone else in need.  (any vacuum is better than no vacuum) It will be so good to de-dust this house properly at last!
 
Garden help:  I asked Shem to come help us prepare our garden for Spring.  He came the day before yesterday to clean up our garden and dig the veggie patch and he came yesterday to finish off the walling that needed to be done to separate the veggie patches and stop flooding and soil erosion during heavy rainfall.  He will finish that job later today when the first phase brick laying has dried enough.  We bought the sand and cement with the donation gift and pay Shem R100 for each day that he helps us.  He generally only needs half a day to finish each job… and each job is well worth R100 for the immense effort he puts in.  I would need four days of his assistance this month and once the concrete is all dry, I will need him to visit another day to help fully prepare our veggie gardens for summer planting… for that we bought bags of compost, potting soil and manure as well as ferterliser to refresh the garden beds well.
 
Dusting:  Shem will also come on one day to do high dusting of our two bedrooms and the lounge.  That help is desperately needed right now.  Every now and then it’s good to make sure that the house is as dust free as possible, so I’m really grateful that he is willing to come and do that for us.  I’ll get a dust mask for him to wear when he does the job.  We have brick walls in our house, and every brick jutting out collects dust on it (Oh how I wish the walls were plastered).  Shem will even need to vacuum or sweep the walls to sort that problem out.   He works thoroughly and fast and is such a pleasure to receive help from as a result. 
 
Vitamins:  With the extra money this month, I decided to try some vitamins that I feel I could really do with, and because my far-away sister went onto vitamin D recently, I decided to give it a go also… because what’s good for her must be good for me too, because she already suffers far worse than I do with arthritis… so I bought a bottle of vitamin D3. 
 
I also bought slow release Magnesium, because I know that helped me to sleep in the past and I really struggle to sleep a lot of the time these days… and it’s really been helping since I bought it. 
 
I spoke to the pharmacist about my tummy issues and he suggested, Aloe pills called Natrelax, to help with regularity which I suffer terribly from due to no longer eating carbs, sugars, etc.  The Natrelax has been working well but has the worst taste ever for me… absolutely horrible tasting tablets that I now dread putting into my mouth… but for now, they seem to work… So for now, I don’t seem to have an option.  I’ve tried other things, and either they are too expensive or don’t work well enough.
 
A while back I bought vitamin B co to try help with stress levels causing my lips and the sides of my lips to turn red, burn and peel… it flares up for a while, looks terrible, dries and starts to peel and as it looks like it’s healing, it’s suddenly back again!  I’m self-conscious enough without that problem!
 
I’ve been taking the Vit D3 and the B co on odd days, to make it last…
 
But… the gout has been threatening since this last weekend and I’ve been wondering why… could just be stress and a few recent triggers that caused some emotional setbacks causing it.
 
So, I decided to look up the vitamins on the net… I love what I found out today which I hope will be helpful to some of you too:
 
Vitamin D3
https://vitamindwiki.com/Gout+and+Vitamin+D
The relationship of gout to calcium and vitamin D is complex. Gout is associated with insulin resistance, low vitamin D levels, and inflammation, all of which interfere with muscle synthesis. One study has found that patients with gout have lower vitamin D3 levels correlated with higher urate. Mar 14, 2018
Gout and Vitamin D | Vitamin D Wiki
 
Magnesium:
https://goutandyou.com/gout-and-magnesium/
Magnesium will lower your blood pressure making your heart work more efficiently reducing any excess strain on it. The more your blood flows smoothly in your body, the more excess uric acid your body can remove avoiding any crystallization in the joints which can cause a gout attack. Actually magnesium has been shown to be an effective treatment for acute cases of gout
 
This is good news to me, because since I put on the extra 4 ½ kg’s since May due to upsets that have unsettled my eating pattern control-ability, I found that I was waking nights with a mild headache… wondered if that extra weight was already affecting my blood pressure!  I have to get my eating under control again!  I cannot let it get anywhere near where I used to be!  I truly believe I was on deaths doorstep back then!  NEVER AGAIN!!! 
 
https://draxe.com/magnesium-supplements/
(Scroll down the page on this internet link, until you get to number 4 of the 9 important magnesium benefits section)
Magnesium helps relax muscles within the digestive tract, including the intestinal wall, which controls your ability to go to the bathroom. Because magnesium helps neutralize stomach acid and moves stool through the intestines, taking magnesium supplements is a natural way to help you poop!
 
Also, good news for me… I’m sure it will help with the IBS “pain in the abdomen” symptoms as a result!!!
 
Vitamin B complex:
Vitamin B12 | Natural Medicine Journal
https://www.naturalmedicinejournal.com/journal/2011-11/vitamin-b12
Use cautiously in patients with a history of gout, or elevated uric acid levels, as the correction of megaloblastic anemia with vitamin B12 may precipitate gout in susceptible individuals. ... Avoid in patients sensitive or allergic to cobalamin, cobalt, or any other vitamin B12 product ingredients.
 
Maybe I need to stop the vitamin B co for a while and see if these gout-threat symptoms improve what happens when I start taking them again… maybe the vit B12 in it is predisposing towards the gout.  I really don’t need that terrible acute gout agony again!  EEEEK!
 
Clothes for my son:  We still have enough donation money over to take my son shopping for new underclothes, socks and two more work shirts, so that’s next on the list and probably all that we will have money left over for.  As soon as he has time off again, we will go shopping for what he needs.  Probably the Saturday after next, because he will be having the weekend off then.
 
 
It has been such an incredible joy to be able to buy all these most needed supplies at last and get so many important things done.  We are very grateful to those who have helped us last month and over all the times before.  My older children included… and to the people who have helped me with second hand clothes also.  What a blessing you all have been… thanks you so much!
​
 
So, all that’s left right now that we would still ask assistance with would be:
A bath to shower swap… Anything from R4000-R5000 I believe would be enough for that… also to retile the bathroom, because so many tiles have fallen off the walls and broken, so it’s not pretty to look at and reminds me of where we’ve come from… I’d rather it looked a bit more like where we’re heading.
 
I’d also like to raise at least R2000 worth of petrol money to get me too and from my home to Unisa over the time of the students’ workshops in November.
 
We’d love to have the dripping tap sorted out in the kitchen, so that might be the very next thing on our list after buying my son’s clothes.
 
And most important now, is to get my computer and printer sorted out.  I have been unable to use my printer ever since we changed the ink in it… just some setting, or something went wrong… and my computer is so slow and flashes a lot to connect to each page I try to go to… like Outlook, Word and even online… it’s so frustrating and time consuming!  It also doesn’t do some of the time saving things I used to have on my last computer, so I guess those are just settings.  I will have to take it in to the computer store sometime for help with these problems.
 
The very last thing I’d ask for after everything else, would be for money to help me get some clothes and underclothes for myself.  I really do need that, but everything else is more important for now.
 
Much gratitude to a beautiful world out there.
 
~ Panayiota