Friends have been asking what this post is about... please see comments made on the bottom of last blog post for explanation.  Thank you ♥

Shared with love and gratitude ♥

​My precious Mrs Poppy Peanut
 
Last night, as I lay awake until the early hours of the morning, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was time to end my writings on this blog.  I cannot live with so much emotional turmoil and pain anymore.  Writing has been a real outlet for my emotions… healing… in that it helped me to make sense of my struggles and to find the best, or right answers in a Logotherapeutic way, and it was something I felt was an important part of exercising the meaning potential of my life, but what has my blog really achieved?  The only answer I have right now, is: Nothing but pain.  Not only for myself, but for others also who read it, and I cannot risk the reputation of all that I love, in the process of helping myself and trying to share my message with the world, under the possibly warped perception that I might be helping someone else out there!
 
The people who I imagine have been reading my blog, have surely never struggled with dissociative identity disorder.  I’m sure most have never known the struggles of severe child abuse… or being abused as an adult… or experienced transference and countertransference in therapy… or the betrayal of friends who have sided with the very people who have hurt them or embarrassed and shamed them publicly by crossing their boundaries.  How many of them have been raped and had to live with the shame and horrors of it all?  How could they possibly understand the things I write about?  How could they possibly be expected to accept my inner-child tantrums and understand how much work and personal exposure it takes to face my weaknesses head on in order to find a way through all the confusions and fears, to a place of sanity and peace. 
 
It has occurred to me that sharing has only added to confusions and fears… anger… haters and LOSS… Terrible, terrible losses. My latest loss should never have happened!  My trust was so solidly set on that particular friend, that NOTHING could ever have shattered such a friendship… NOTHING!  But it did and also resulted in other painful losses… and the resulting pain is too unbearable… I CANNOT LET THIS EVER HAPPEN AGAIN!   Please, please… no more close friendships… no more taking chances by getting too close…
 
TOO CLOSE is the problem… I feel and get too close and BURN easily… both them and me!  It’s about me, not the other person who is unable to understand.
 
I’ve often said in jest… “How can I live with myself” … but in reality, the question is real… I can’t… but… I MUST, because disposing of myself is not an option!  WHY?  Because I LOVE TOO MUCH!!!
 
Who am I really?  Where do I truly belong?  There is no peace… NONE! 
 
What purpose is my blog really serving?  Certainly not what I intended it for.  Who are the people following it?  Well, with only a few likes on each post, I imagine, that only one or two incredibly-caring friends who have chosen to stand by me… Mary-Anne and my far away sister for starters… and I even click on like… because it’s my way of authenticating and honouring my truths.  But surely there are others also checking in on my posts… just here to pry… to see what nonsense I’m getting up to THIS TIME!  The haters… I always dreaded THE HATERS… thinking that they were going to be the ones who would write HATE comments in responses to my posts… but I now realise that haters come in many forms… They are backbiters and the gossipers… the ones who take what is sacred to me, and twist it to soothe their own needs for answers… and their own understandings and to uplift and protect their own reputations!  They are the ones who feel disgusted and embarrassed by my sharing and see me as less-than as a result. 
 
My blog isn’t serving any purpose really.  It’s not like any REAL HEALERS and REAL TEACHERS are reading it that I know of, or trying really hard to understand and see the bigger picture.  
 
I had hoped… but it isn’t to be. 
 
All that is resulting from my blog, is further alienation of me and those I love… each different part of my personality is feeling over and over what they felt when they were originally STOPPED from speaking, from expressing themselves… from BEING. 
 
If I can find out how to block my blog from the public, I will continue to write here, in the hopes that one day, the RIGHT PERSON will have access to it and will discover in it… REAL ANSWERS… that will help many to understand better and to bring healing into this world.
 
It’s over for me now.  I still have my commitment to my book and I must finish it.  But as far as ever fulfilling my longings to be LOVED as I should have been when I was a child… I KNOW IT’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!
 
I KNOW… I KNOW… YOU DON’T HAVE TO KEEP TELLING ME… I KNOW DAMMIT! 
 
My greatest love and gratitude to those who have gone out of their way to prove their loving support for me at this time.  You know who you are.  I will not forget you. 
 
Today, as I sit here, tears welling in my eyes and a sense of a broken heart still for a few weeks now, and as I give in at last, and allow a part of myself to die for the sake of living, I will put back on my mask of “everything is okay”… I will do my work to the best of my ability… I will keep on keeping on for the sake of my children and grandchildren and others who I still believe… BELIEVE IN ME!  But… I just can’t do this authenticity thing anymore… it’s not only hurting me, but those that I love also… and it’s creating too much loss and more rejection to add to all that I’ve already experienced throughout my life…
 
NO… IT MUST END RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW! 
 
To those who have stood by me so lovingly for so long and with such good hearts in the doing, and have taken the time to read my long drawn out blog posts… I thank you with the deepest love of my heart.
 
Until we meet in Heaven, where all will finally be revealed, healed and FIXED at last, and where there will no longer be any doubts or misunderstanding… Goodbye my friends…  Goodbye my judges and enemies also.   
 
~ Patty, Patricia, Panayiota.
 
p.s.  on the 27th, it was Mrs Poppy Peanuts first Love Day.  She died on the 27th August last year.  How strange it was that on that very day, my son was offered two Dachshunds by someone at work.  Why would that have happened on Poppy’s first Love Day.  I couldn’t take them, because neither had been sterilized and that would have cost too much.  I mentioned it on Facebook, and two friends stepped in immediately… one to say she would find me a dog and proceeded to track down a little girl Dachshund for me and even organized transport for her to be delivered to my house.  The other friend who responded after the first, said she would pay for the sterilization of the first two dogs we were offered.  My heart had already accepted the first friends offer as I am worrying about having two dogs to feed, etc.  But how amazing is this?  How amazing are these friends also?  I will have a new friend arriving soon… one who will learn to love me and in whose LOVE I will never have to doubt or question.  Life has once again reassured me, that although I am hurting deeply at this time and turned my whole life on its head by my own negative responses to being hurt, I am not abandoned and I am being watched over and Heaven loves me still.

Thankfully, a number of things happened this weekend, which I feel have started to lift me out of my recent negative and self-destructive Patricia-slump.  It always amazes me how I am taken to rock-bottom when a particularly difficult trial hits… tested to the very edge of my hold on my sanity and my life… but once the turn-around starts to happen… (and it always does)… a number of things start to come together, that make it obvious to me that a change for the better is on it’s way. 
 
23 August (Sunday)
I redid one of the videos for our Logotherapy students’ yesterday, Friday, and I'm happy with it. I have two here now just waiting for my middle son to come edit the sound to make it a bit louder and cut two error parts out and rejoin so I can send to my colleague for posting on our Logotherapy student’s online platform, and hopefully on YouTube also.  I’m excited about it as it is another step of progress for my life… another dream I never dared to dream coming true… I never dared to dream, because I never knew I had it in me to do stuff like this. 
 
I think how amazing it is, that my son just happens to have the expertise and a program for fixing and enhancing videos at this exact time of my life when I am working on these videos.  That is NOT a coincidence!  It has to be a blessing… it must surely mean that my videos are meant to be, even though I have felt so unconfident making them and sharing sensitive parts of my story so openly with the world!
 
I’m amazed that I’ve come this far since my healing Logotherapy journey started in my 50’s.  A reminder to me, to pull myself towards myself and rise above the times in my life when I CRASH as hard as I have over the last few weeks.  A reminder that I have a responsibility to LIFE which has brought me so far already… a deep sense of gratitude to hold onto and not take for granted.  I have now done three videos, plus another to be posted for a dear friend and colleague and I have three more videos to do.  Then after that… maybe to create more Logotherapy training videos… (a new and hope-inspiring meaning orientation for me to look forward to).  My colleague, Sheldon even suggested I do podcasts connected to my blog posts… maybe one day I will be doing these things with more practice, confidence and courage… but, I MUST finish my book first!
 
Working on the videos at this time has really been exciting for me.  I can’t tell you how many times I had to restart the videotaping due to my lack of confidence causing me to stammer, make mistakes, mix up words, forget what I wanted to say, etc.  I finally managed to put each of the three videos together, even still with some problems, but they are the best I can do and I just hope they will be good enough.  Working on the daydream world video was particularly hard for me.  It left me with sleep deprivation and messed for a day or two after I’d done it, but I’m just so glad it’s done now.  It’s something I felt was so important to share with the world, because in my experience, Logotherapy Dream Interpretation is a most powerful healing technique ever!  I'm excited about my videos becoming part of the training and YouTube... it gives me a greater sense of responsibility to put in the necessary work, to rise above the crashes as soon as I possibly can… the crashes will happen, but it’s how I choose to rise from them that will always count. 
 
Then yesterday I went to visit my daughter and son in law and their two dogs... and I feel as though I've been on a holiday. I feel lifted up by our time together... I always feel at peace at their house and, that was just what I needed to begin to reset my current highly negative and hurting mind-space to a more positive orientation. Only the 5th time I've left my house since mid-March... or fourth... my youngest son and I can't remember... maybe fourth...
 
Today I have a reading and editing job to do for our Advanced Training in Logotherapy course, and when I’m done with that, then during the week, I will start on the last three videos, which will take a while, because every picture in them will need to be replaced with legal (free use) pictures, as these videos might make it to YouTube. I will have to search for suitable free pictures on the Internet and that’s very time consuming, especially as I already felt that the pictures I had on my original PowerPoint presentations were perfect.  It’s going to be hard to find others that I’d feel as happy about!
 
My dearest friend, Mary-Anne’s had read my most recent blog posts, written on the 22 August, “Shutting the doors”, and sent a most beautiful WhatsApp message to me, which she also added as a Reply to my blog post.  You can read her message and my response to her there.  She is such a down to earth, genuine friend.  I am blessed to have her in my life.  Mary-Anne recently lost her mother to covid-19… her father and other members of her family also got it and thankfully recovered, but yesterday, 25 August, her brother in law passed away as a result of the virus, after a courageous battle for his life in hospital.  She has been through so much suffering these past few weeks, and yet, she can still take time out to be there for a friend.  I am extremely blessed to have her in my life.
 
Today, the weather has suddenly changed and I can feel Spring in the air… there’s also a sense of renewal with the arrival of Spring.  Maybe that’s why I am feeling so much better.  I don’t know.  I am feeling the SWITCH away from Patricia’s chaos and back into myself.  It’s such a feeling of relief… like I can truly begin to breathe again.
 
Other blessings that I feel have contributed to “the SWITCH” from Patricia, back to me 
One of my top Logotherapy mentors who I named Big Brother during my training many years ago, has, out of the blue, Friended me on FB over this time.  I see his face on my page every day… looking straight at me with the most beautiful, positive smile.  I’ve decided to call his picture, “The Face of Conscience”, because his presence, even if only in the form of a small positive photograph, reminds me to do the right thing… to emerge Logotherapeutically from this awful state of hurting… it’s almost as if, I feel that I can’t let him down… I mustn’t! 
 
I honestly believe that “Promptings from Life” such as these, are NOT coincidence.  In fact, I don’t believe in coincidence at all.  His sudden appearance on my Facebook page, was meant to be… to remind me of how far I’ve come since I first started training with him, and to not give up on the rest of my life… that maybe, I am still meant to be!
 
Conversation with a friend on Facebook re: Covid-19 (She responded to my post on visiting my daughter on Saturday, etc. [shortened])
 
Friend
Isn't it lovely to go out again? We have also been out only about five times, and two or three times for a drive, but it's so nice to see the world again. Glad you got the opportunity ❤️
 
Panayiota
Oh my word... I felt like maybe... just maybe I could do this life again!  I need to go out more often ❤
 
Friend
Half of me wants to go out and the other half's not so sure, hehe.
 
Panayiota
All of me has agoraphobia, so it's nothing new for me to stay home, but the whole covid thing has shaken me up badly.  I just hate everything about it and it's shattered my trust in the future, so, going out more would be a good thing.  It's what is needed to hopefully restore my will to continue on... if that makes any sense...
 
Friend
I totally understand. I'm feeling the same way. I love going out but the past few years I've been feeling very vulnerable, going out on my own, you know, car accidents, hijackings, etc., but once I'm out there, I'm okay - but it's just to get myself out there! And now with Covid, oh man, I want to go out, but I don't want to, if THAT makes any sense ... And on the occasion I've been out, like last week I needed another ball of wool - knitting squares for a blanket for my granddaughter's doll, have to keep myself busy - I literally charge into the store, nuke myself with the sanitiser, clutch my bank card and wool - no handbag - like it's the devil itself, and dash for the car, where hubs sanitises me again ..
 
Panayiota
That's me to a T... I want to go out there, but I don't! HUMPH! We need to give ourselves a kick-start in the right direction! Actively make the decision to do what we most avoid, because of the one truth of the matter... once we're out there we are happy we went...
 
Friend
But SO petrified of catching Covid 😢
 
Panayiota
Strangely, I'm not so into the whole sanitising thing at all.  I'm in the mindset that if God wants me to die, it's going to happen no matter what I do, and if He wants me to live... I will live.  So, it's not the BUG that's bothering me, but just the lost trust in the world and my future and in humanity, etc. I'm in that... “What's the use” place again, which is not a nice place to be, ... and yes... I do believe this has all been manufactured and carefully orchestrated for this time, so that's my struggle ❤ I love you my dear friend… we are all petrified of catching it, but I truly do believe that it is the fear that is killing the people and not the actual virus... I honestly believe that. The less we watch the news and the more we strengthen our minds with a will to live and go on, the more chance we will have of survival. I have lost my future orientation, and that's why I'm in so much trouble right now... I need to pull myself towards myself asap!!!
 
“The prisoner who had lost his faith in the future—his future—was doomed. With his loss of belief in the future, he also lost his spiritual hold; he let himself decline and became subject to mental and physical decay.” (Frankl, 2008, p. 82) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning
 
Friend
I get you there: when it's your time, it's your time. BUT you can catch this disease, suffer horrifically, struggle to breathe, feel like you're dying, all alone in hospital - and survive, with horrific consequences that will destroy the rest of your life ... that's the bit I'm scared of ...
 
Panayiota
That's the bit I am petrified of also dear friend... and even worse, that a loved one is in hospital and I can't be with them, but we still have to do everything in our power to detach ourselves from the horror thoughts by whatever means possible, or we will drive ourselves crazy, weaken our own immunity, and expose ourselves to contracting illness more easily. The mind is very powerful... we can use it to our own advantage, or let it take hold and destroy us... so, I believe that we have to become active in protecting ourselves... not just physically, but mentally also. BIG HUGS ❤ ❤ ❤
 
I always realise, when I’m helping a friend… I’m actually helping myself.  Helping others and being in the service of others is one of the best defenses against mental illness!  I realise, I have a responsibility even towards my Facebook friends.  Many of which I have never even met, but who have followed my page for years without fail.  They have been such a strength to me personally.
 
24 August 2020
After just less than 6 hrs. sleep, I woke with a real sense of joy and peace creeping in a knowing that love can be taken from me, but it could not be able to stop me from loving.  I think I learned to hold onto love over all the years that I worked so hard to earn my mother’s love.  That no matter how many times she rejected me and my love, I could still love her, even to this day.  The only difference is, that since I buried the dream of my mother’s love in therapy at the age of 50-51, I was able to finally find a way to let go of that lifelong dream.  That it didn’t matter anymore if she didn’t love me.  I could still love her, but in a far more acceptable way… without the desperate childhood longings that made me so ill over so many years, and without the enmeshment that was destroying my soul and kept me trapped.  I found a way at last to fill that hole in my soul, that was in the shape of my mother, with new dreams and with substance of meaning, faith and hope.
 
I pondered about how uplifted with gratitude I was feeling this morning… what caused this change from my downcast state of the last few weeks.  I realised, that it was especially due to the visit to my daughter’s on Friday which did good for my soul… and the editing I’d done on the Advanced Training in Logotherapy course which is soon to be added to our website for our students.  Teria has worked hard to create our courses to the highest of standards, and reading that document was so inspirational to me.  It reminded me over and over of where I needed to be in order to transcend my recent struggle.  I loved what she wrote on page 41 of the document.  It reminded me, of my immense responsibility, towards my own healing… not only as a Logotherapist, but also as “my own client” as I continue on my transcendent journey towards my personal healing. 
 
What would I be doing to help a client in my situation?  What should I be doing to help myself?  I think the answer is, to TRUST that I am not a broken victim of my past still, but rather, that I do have the answers to my own problems inside of me, and I need to keep my focus on accessing my own healing power, instead of what is lost and what is broken and what has been taken away. 
 
Teria wrote: 
 
The client is the expert!
I want to tell you a wonderful secret:  you, as a logotherapist, are not the healer – the client is!
From the depth of their intuitive knowing, clients are pretty convinced of what is meaningful in their lives and what is not; that for which they are searching and hoping to find, and that which they need to combat and get rid of in their lives.  They know this better than you do!  They are being spoken to by life; the circumstances which they face and are being confronted with are theirs, not yours!  Your role is to tune into this conversation.  It is not you who are conducting the whole affair!  How forcefully this truth unseats you; takes you off the pedestal of knowing exactly what the client needs, and that you will be setting out for the client to realize and advise the client to do!  After all, you are the expert!  Are you?  Who can really plumb the depths of a client’s heart; climb into his or her mind; decisively direct his or her actions; get the client to a winning post that somehow applauds you, not the client?  Do you really want to be in the place of being the one who knows all the answers or that should know them?  This agonizing, anxiety-provoking situation was explored in Chapter Five of our main prescribed book.  Look at it again. 
 
(Main prescribed book: “The Life-changing Impact of Viktor Frankl’s Logotherapy” ~ Teria Shantall)
 
I also love what she wrote on page 61 of the same document:
 
Frankl spoke about the need of a Basic Trust in Being.  “Underneath are the everlasting arms” is a Scriptural definition of the Unconscious God in our experience of unconditional love and, with that, of the unconditional meaningfulness of our own lives.  Unconditional love declares us to be unconditionally worthy.  During the earlier or more immature stages of our lives we may not fully realize this divine fact and with it, that there is meaning out there in the world and that it can be found in any situation, anywhere, and at all times. 
 
It did me good to do the editing on Teria’s incredible work.  I was reminded, that I still really cared about the people who had upset me so much in 2017… and others whom I’d distanced myself from over time and even the most recent.  The distance was only caused because I truly believe that they did wrong.  The only reason that our relationships could never be mended, was because they would never admit what they did wrong, and managed to turn it onto me, hurting my reputation in order to protect their own, and in the process, I lost… and it seemed that they never cared.  For me, there is still pain attached to the losses I suffered… but I believe that for them, they have moved on and forgotten that I even exist.
 
I wrote to my far away sister today
I see Teria is using some of my story in the Advanced Training in Logotherapy course and mentions my name more than once.  I can’t let her down when she has put so much faith in me.  It’s something else when someone believes in you more than you believe in yourself!  I know my God does, but it’s a foreign concept when a mere mortal does, and she just never give up on me no matter what.  Amazing woman that!  I’m so grateful for the gift she is to my life.
 
My sister had also read my most recent blog post and she responded with her sweet wisdom via email.
 
Hi Pan,
 
I read your blog and I must say, I have been in the same position you are. Not wanting to make friends, because they always go out of my life... most of the time not my choice. It is sad and heart wrenching and I always say, I’m not going to make friends again... hahahaaaa!!!  I inevitably do and just wait for the bomb to drop and the friendship to be ended.  My real friends are all long distance and that works really well, no outside influences.
 
We are here but a short time and no matter how painful the experiences, it is good to have friends, even for a season. God challenges us with each relationship and we do learn more about life, people and ourselves. Never cut yourself off from the outside influences or experiences, they are opportunities to learn and grow into a better way of knowing that this is not our home and that people in general are untrustworthy and shallow in many instances, but how do you weed the tares from a good harvest unless you let them grow first… Most friendships are only for a season. There is always a part of us left pained, and broken; in a mental and emotional mess. Be blessed that you can still feel the pain of separation and you heart is not calloused by years and years of such sad endings. Rather have a heart of flesh than a heart of stone.
 
Love you my sister. Blessings and peace,

Shev
 
In the evening, my second son came to edit my videos and I so enjoyed his visit.  We shared some spiritual time together which I really enjoyed very much.
 
Something else I wrote today (re: finishing a task… i.e. finishing my book)
We have to work out what is holding us back.  What is the real reason we are not completing our Life-task?  Are we afraid of being authentic? People knowing our deeper thoughts? Are there sensitive things we want to share, but are embarrassed about?  I have found that it is very important to be authentic and to not let any embarrassment get in the way of our truths.  Just write what is in our heart regardless of any worries about what others will think of us.  Question ourselves… Do we have an idea what is stopping us from finishing our tasks?
 
How did I get to where I am?  What prompted me to take on Viktor Frankl’s concept of response-ability rather than continuously feeling victimized and stuck?  What was the process?  How do I self-transcend my issues whenever they crop up?
 
I believe that while we are thinking and wanting for someone else to FIX us... or while we believe that we can FIX our past still, by manipulating or demanding, or expecting someone else to give us what we missed out on in our childhood... (and I'm speaking as an adult survivor of severe child abuse), it is then that we are unable to emerge from our victimised state.  We are still expecting to receive what was taken from us as children.  But, Victor Frankl taught me that there was no going back into my past to FIX anything that happened or should have happened, and that I am SOLELY responsible for my own current life, my own behaviours, actions, reactions, perceptions, setting boundaries, respecting boundaries, etc. and that's why I have managed to find as much healing as I have... because I stopped imagining and expecting for someone else to do it for me.  I started to see how my negative behaviours were affecting others... how I am responsible for any negativity I attract, and so on.  Even the recent negative situation I have been writing about, even though I was NOT in the wrong, it was made SO MUCH WORSE, by my reacting negatively to it.  We have to develop an ability to respond appropriately to situations that are inclined to trigger our more negative responses.  We have to take control of our responses to what triggers us.  Logotherapy is the ONLY form of therapy that ever helped me, because of this very reason... it calls on my conscious and my noetic (spiritual) dimensions to DO THE RIGHT THING... even if it goes against my childish WANTS and NEEDS in the moment.  I have learned that if I don't respond appropriately in the triggered-moment... I LOSE... and I create much more PAIN AND LOSS for myself and others too, than was necessary... We recreate the sufferings of our past by our own negative reactions.  We have to become response-able!  To take personal responsibility for our own healing journey.
 
25 August 2020
Woke very heavy-hearted and felt ill, even nauseas for most of the day.  I’m wondering if too many blankets with the change in the weather… suddenly too hot and humid also. I know that heat affects me, but I’m not sure how.  I was told once after tests, that I was borderline epileptic, but thankfully I’ve never had a fit (there’s three epileptics in my family; my mother, uncle and brother), but I do know that being overheated very much affects me adversely!  So, I’ve thrown one of the winter blankets off… let’s see how it goes now.
 
26 Aug 2020
Still feeling heavy and very, very distant and struggling with dissociation today.  So obviously, I haven’t quite recovered from recent events and losses that I perceive have happened, but at least I’m not feeling Patricia’s chaotic state anymore… she’s definitely more reassured and rested now.  The day has been too quiet though… other than chatting with students and counselling with a client who has come back to me from a long time ago, and with a child/adult abuse survivor on Facebook which has been very special, I just can’t seem to settle today.  Some anxiety and still struggling with extreme tiredness that seems to come with the dissociation.  But then again, I haven’t been sleeping well; I’m lucky if I’ve managed 6 hours sleep a night, which I know is great for some people, but it’s just not enough for me.  I struggle to fall asleep!  Tonight, I will take ¼ sleeping pill.  I have to have a good night’s sleep again!
 
Sharing with a friend today about being a Sacred Dying Doula:
I've always felt a sense of not-belonging... but at the bedside of a dying person, I have never felt more like I belonged anywhere else.  It is the one place I feel totally free to BE... free to LOVE unconditionally... and... in the presence of angels... and therefore I feel totally UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED there also.  The dying person does not lie there judging and requires only nurturing love... which is the one thing I have that I cannot fail in when I'm with someone who is on their last journey here.  It is the one thing I have TOO MUCH of and no true outlet for that is more real and accepted than with the dying person.  I was so happy to find a three-module course to become a Sacred Dying Doula... it's a certificate I will always treasure, and a Life-task I will always be drawn to with all my heart.
 
Friend
Although I haven’t known you for very long, I get the sense that you are able to connect with people who are facing their big next step in the journey of life… death.  As you put it ‘nurturing love’, I really feel that you have a ton of this to give and God bless you for it! It’s so needed.
 
Panayiota
My heart is so complicated... definitely too much love to spare for anyone who needs it at any time... but my heart is so easily broken and rejected... self-sabotaging doesn't help.  But I've found, it's in the giving, not in the receiving that I am most sustained and blessed, so I just need to find opportunities to give more love, in order to keep my soul alive.
 
A new student named Grant wrote this to me this morning, and I’d like to conclude with it (used with permission)
 
"At first, I was angry at the world and everything in it. That was until I came to the realization that no amount of anger or any negative emotion will alter my reality for the better. Then I came to the realization that Isaac Newton had a point; for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Something bad has happened, I can’t change it. What good can I learn from it?"
 
I learn so much from our Logotherapy students… they inspire me to greater heights!
 
I am so grateful for the times when I see the end of a certain struggle happening and feel myself resurfacing again. 
 
Thank you for sharing with me today. 
 
~ Panayiota

​My far-away sister commented on one of my recent blog posts
So glad that you are surrounded by people that help and encourage you. Being in a funk is nasty and yet, we have all been there. Thank you to those that have blessed my sister and raised her spirits. Also for the right timing in editing the logo therapy advanced course data. Isn’t it great when the Lord shows up and shows off His perfect timing?
 
I have added to my reply below
Thank you for your steadfast, loving care my sweet sister. Yes, it is wonderful how Heaven never fails us. I sometimes think that God allows us to reach rock-bottom, so that we will fully recognise His Hand that has been waiting patiently there for us to reach up to hold onto, so that He can lift us out of "The Funk"... I recognise His Hand in all the love and goodness that keeps coming to me, even at times when my sense of self-worth is so low, that I cannot even find the strength or courage to write, "I love you", on letters to the people I genuinely love, because I'm back in that place where I imagine that they can't believe in my love anymore and won't accept it... (like they are angry with me again... When mother was angry, which was all too often, if I dared to tell her I loved her, she would throw my love back into my face and shove it down my throat, suffocating me with my own love for her) so there is so much conflicting-anxiety surrounding my genuine need to continue finishing off my letters with "I love you", as I normally would… but it’s like a part of me refuses to let me do so!  And, when I receive a letter telling me I’m special, or I’ve done well, I receive it without emotion… in a numb way, because with Patricia so close to the surface, how can she believe what they are saying to her.  When mother had just beaten her to a pulp, or stepfather had just raped her, those words, of “I love you… you’re special to me… you make me happy… etc.” were totally meaningless to Patricia… in fact, they seemed to cut even deeper than the beatings and rapes… She was treated as worthless then… so I find it hard to receive such compliments now, when I’m back in that place of feeling Patricia’s worthlessness again.
 
Having lost my special connection with one of my most trusted friends just recently, over Patricia’s negative reaction to someone else’s insulting and embarrassing me with their boundary crossing, I feel that my fight for any further healing is at last over.  I have made up my mind to distance myself from getting to close to anyone ever again.  It is over for me.  All that is left, is to get my book done… to carry on at work, for as long as they will have me, and to always try to do my best there.  Sometimes I wonder if I’m of any value there at all anymore… are they just 'carrying me', because they feel sorry for me?  So many unanswered questions crashing around inside of me right now.
 
I have to continue to give my genuine love where I can and where it is needed and wanted… but not to rely on love returning to me anymore… I cannot go there anymore… TRUE, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE awaits me in HEAVEN.  That is something I KNOW without a shadow of doubt.  I have felt Heaven’s LOVE so many times throughout my life… it is the one LOVE that will never fail me or leave me… it is the only LOVE that will ever accept me for exactly who I am, on all levels of my personality, because it is the One LOVE that already LOVES each part of me.   I just need to be patient until that beautiful day, where I can at last meet TRUE LOVE THERE. 
 
The worst pain of all, is the one attached to guilt and shame… where, even if you were not wrong when the trouble all started, your reaction created even more problems and unbearable losses… and there’s nothing you can do to make it all go back to the way it was before… you want to say sorry… you literally want to beg for forgiveness… you also want to know what exactly it was that you did to cause the losses to be so final, loss you never imagined possible… just so you can understand how it could have happened… so that maybe, you can find a way to never do the same thing again… or to mend it… but you know, that if you open your (Patricia’s) mouth again, you could lose even more… so you settle for what you have as it has become now… a new way of being that is better than the NOTHING that it could have been… but there’s no avoiding the intense pain of loss has to be attached to it… and in which, only time can dull the aching.
 
I never want to feel this again… NEVER… so I have to STOP now… stay down… stay quiet… stay away… stay invisible… it’s the only way to avoid ever feeling this pain again and the only way to stop any further losses.
 
If only child-abusers realised how much damage they do to the entire life of their victims... there is no more… “victory over suffering” … left to me… my options have come to an end.  I just don’t have the strength anymore to fight my past STILL… it’s over…
 
22 August 2020
Yesterday morning I never wrote to my friends on Facebook (not sharing this there either, because I don’t want to upset my friends there with my negative shares).  Yesterday I woke so heavy-hearted that I could hardly function for most of the morning... it was the most daunting-deadness… if only I could have cried, but nothing… I had to force myself to eat and get ready for the day… I felt like a machine, just going through the motions… I had been taking 1/4 sleeping pill all week to sleep, and I think it is not good for me to take too often, even though it’s such a low dose, it still hit’s me hard!  Once a week is usually my maximum!  But I can't function without sleep, so I had no option… my mind is still in self-destructive chaos mode!  I tried without the sleeping pill last night, because it’s Saturday today, so I am not expected to do my office work, so I took a chance, but, lay awake until almost midnight before falling asleep and woke just before 4am!  I'm in trouble!!!  Sadness won't leave me and numbness... like I'm stranded alone in that scorching wilderness place again and I’m resigned to my fate there.
 
I’m imagining what “THEY” are saying… “She deserves to suffer!  Maybe she will learn a lesson from this” … while they are all talking to each other and agreeing on THEIR findings… NOBODY is hearing me… because nobody is listening… and, because once again, my voice has been silenced.  If I try to speak, I KNOW I will lose even more… I dare not speak… Patricia has to be silenced… EVEN BY ME… I cannot let things get any worse than they are already.  I cannot allow it!  I’d rather settle for what is left, than lose even more!  (WOW!  Seeing my past once again, flashing before my eyes… nothing ever changes!).
 
One thing I realise all too clearly now, is that Patricia is always going to be a part of who I am… and she will always react to what happened to her in the past, if something similar triggers her today!  And worse even than that, is that due to her reacting, SHE WILL ALWAYS LOSE… HER VOICE AND REACTIONS WILL ALWAYS RESULT IN EXACTLY WHAT SHE EXPERIENCED IN THE PAST… PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS REACT TO HER OUTBURSTS, EXACTLY AS HER ABUSERS DID… and so… there are only two options left to me… DIE… or, live without ever again, seeking the UNCONDITIONAL LOVE… and IMMOVABLE FRIENDSHIPS she has cried out for all of her life.  There will always be the rare and the beautiful… but one thing I’ve had to learn the hard way already, is that even the rare and the beautiful leave in the end.    
 
THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO TRUST OR BELIEVE IN… NOTHING IS EVER GOING TO CHANGE… THERE IS NO REALITY FOR ME IN THIS WORLD… I DO NOT BELONG HERE… NEVER HAVE AND NEVER WILL… IT IS WHAT IT IS.
 
So, what now… maybe it’s time to cut myself off from the pain… NOT DEATH… NO… NOT YET!  I have to finish my book and I have so many other longings on my TO DO list!  But living in this arid place is a kind of death of its own… I feel numb here… I can’t sleep here… and the intense and prolonged sadness and anxiety is eating away at my soul… I cannot bear it here… but I’ve been here so often in my life, why should it be any different now… maybe… THIS IS WHERE I BELONG!  Maybe I just need to face the facts… I CANNOT EXIST ANYWHERE WITH PATRICIA BEING A PART OF WHO I AM… IT’S OVER!  This is where I belong… it’s the only place left that makes any sense at all… it is what it is.
 
I’m so glad I’m going to visit my daughter and son-in-law this weekend… it’s still a place where I feel safe and accepted for exactly who I am… and I am so looking forward to spending time with their two dogs also.  It will be, only the 5th time I’ve left my house since mid-March this year.  I know it will be good for my soul to spend some time there… just what I need for today… if I can stay awake long enough… I’m already so tired from lack of sleep last night! 
 
I have a big reading/editing job to do at work, but must write (unload) first, or I won’t be able to concentrate on my reading work. 
 
I’m shutting the doors to close-connections now. It’s the only way I’m going to survive the rest of my time in this world.  Never again will I ever let anyone get that close or give that much trust away again… NEVER! (Except my children and grandchildren… and a very rare few)

​Thank you for spending some time with me again… I really do appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my posts with non-judgmental love and care.  Especially those of you who try to understand.  I am truly grateful to you!
 
~ Panayiota

​29 July 2020 – I wrote on Facebook
Let me tell you about our goldfish which my sister overseas has just renamed NGU!
 
So, last night I go to rest at the end of a long day... glance over at the little fish tank and my beautiful goldfish is flapping helplessly on its back... dying! Oh, my word... I felt so bad. For about two weeks, I've been meaning to change the tank water, but been so busy, I put my work first!  So, all I could think was that the water had become too strong due to evaporation and just filling the tank instead of changing the water, and that's why it was dying... (the tank looked sparkling clean otherwise).
 
So, I jumped up and immediately cleaned the whole tank. I felt so bad for the poor fish... it didn't deserve to die because I had neglected to care for its home in time. By the time we'd finished cleaning, it was lying upside down on the bottom of the tank... it really looked like it was on its way out.  Its tummy was really bloated and I felt desperate to help it... I was too short to reach in, so asked my son to gently massage its tummy... (someone is laughing right now I'm sure!) 🤣... but I'm a nurse at heart, so when a human's tummy is sore and bloated, if it's massaged, it helps to move stuff around and could help... so why not a fish too!!!
 
Anyway, by the time we went to sleep, it was still upside down and looked dead. I prayed so hard for it to receive a miracle... surely God's little creatures can be saved by miracles also 🙏 🥰 🐟 💖
 
When we woke this morning, it was alive and swimming around as if nothing happened!
 
NGU = NEVER GIVE UP! 💖 Brave little goldfish!
 
I am grateful for miracles... even little fishy ones 💖
 
Goodnight beautiful world... Love to you all and all creatures great and small 💖
 
17 August 2020 ~ Follow up on NGU
The sad news is, that NGU, our beautiful goldfish, was found dead in the tank this morning. After our life-saving attempts and prayers brought about his little fishy-miracle on the 29th July... we were blessed with another 19 days to enjoy his lovely presence. I guess maybe, old age got to him at last. I'd like to believe that God saw how hard we tried to save him on the 29th July and gave us extra time with him as a result. We are very grateful for the joy and blessing our little fat-fishy NGU was to us... "Until will see you on the other side one day NGU" 💖
 
15 August 2020
Today was my Greek Name Day… and I mentioned to someone on Facebook how my Greek mom was the only person who ever consistently called me by my own true name and I missed her.  He mentioned that she was still watching over me… and I responded “I know, because she always finds ways to let me know she’s around, especially when I really need to feel her presence”… (either doves or  butterflies)… well, next thing, I’m sitting in my room and I hear a dove calling right outside my window… not something I’ve heard on this side of the house in a long time.  I creep up quietly to the window and very carefully open the curtain… and there in my bay leaf tree pot, is lying a baby dove, flapping its wings for its mother, and on the wall, the mother dove cooing lovingly to the baby.  I learned through my Greek stepmother, to use bay leaves in my cooking, especially in roasts, so to me, this was definitely a sign from her, to wish me well on my Greek Name Day this year.  She must know that I’ve been going through a particularly difficult death-loss struggle, and wanted me to feel her nurturing love again.  The little dove and its mother came for three days… I made sure to feed them each time.  Their presence was so beautiful to me.
 
Lizards
Not only wild birds, but I also still have a yard full of pet lizards which I love!  I hard-boil eggs and chop them up small and around 10am each day I go out and sprinkle the eggs for the lizards to eat, and the birds also come to enjoy them.  Usually one boiled egg is enough for two days.
 
Daddy longlegs
In one corner of our bathroom, lives a daddy longlegs spider.   He is so sweet.  My helper who comes once a week, knows that she must not disturb it… I told her, I don’t have a lot of friends, so the spider is my friend… she laughed!  I have to go out every day to find ants to feed it, otherwise it would starve this winter, because with the windows shut, etc. to keep the house warm, no goggas are coming indoors.
 
27 Aug 20 (in a few days’ time)
On the 27th, it will be, my precious sausage-dog best friend, Mrs. Poppy Peanut’s “Love Day”… she died this time last year… still breaks my heart to think about her.  Strangely, blue butterflies which have become symbolic to me of her visiting spirit (one visited us the day after she died), were popping up all week on Facebook… I think she was trying to comfort me also.  I saved this one to share.

The Prayer of St. Francis
 
Make me a channel of your peace.
Where there is hatred let me bring your love;
Where there is injury, your pardon, Lord;
And where there’s doubt, true faith in you:
 
Oh, Master, grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved, as to love with all my soul.
 
Make me a channel of your peace.
Where there’s despair in life, let me bring hope;
Where there is darkness, only light;
And where there’s sadness, ever joy:
 
Make me a channel of your peace.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
In giving of ourselves that we receive,
And in dying that we’re born to eternal life.
​
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2svZhZT6Pro  

This version of the song made me cry… it touched my soul so deeply.  I have to find a way to stop failing my fellow man and myself.

 Thank you for sharing.
 
~ Panayiota

​16 August, 2020
A heartfelt video sent by my dear friend and colleague, Mary-Anne via WhatsApp today.  She had been reading my blog posts and just wanted to share what she felt might be meaningful to me in connection to what I’d written about.  I feel so grateful for her understanding, authenticating love and presence in my life at this time. 
 
Please click on the link to the song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjvjJsxMnYw
 
Speak My Mind ~ The Willis Clan
 
This will probably stay locked away
And only come out on a rainy day
Cause I will probably go and never show
Every little thing I want you to know
If I speak my mind
Will you take the time
Will you try to find a way
If I take you there
Will you say you care
Will you understand and stay
There's gotta be more courage I can find
To speak my mind
I will stand alone even though
I'm dying inside to trust you so
But I am so afraid that once betrayed
There'll be once again hurt and play
And I pray
If I speak my mind
Will you take the time
Will you try to find a way
If I take you there
Will you say you care
Will you understand and stay
There's gotta be more courage I can find
To speak my mind
(Speak my mind, speak my mind, speak my mind, speak my mind)
There's got to be…
 
Lyrics source: Musixmatch
https://www.google.com/search?q=lyrics+speak+my+mind+willis+clan&rlz=1C1EJFA_enZA794ZA795&oq=lyrics+-+speak+my+mind%2C+&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j0l7.11670j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8
 
If you would like to know more about the child abuse struggles of the Willis family, please go to:
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5613193/Willis-sister-Jessica-speaks-abuse-left-family.html
 
17 August 2020
 
I had a lovely WhatsApp conversation with another dear friend and colleague, Birgitta, who had made contact because she had also read my blog post.
 
Birgitta
Hi there my friend!  You’ve been so much on my mind the last few days, how have you been?
 
Panayiota
Taking one day at a time dear, lovely friend.  Thanks for letting me know you’re thinking about me.  I love you bunches.  Are you okay?  I’m always here if you need a friend… and don’t you forget it!
 
Birgitta
That’s good.  You’ve been so much on my mind.  You are very special and I look up to you so often as someone who is one of the strongest, bravest people I know.  I’ve been alright, I recently stopped doing tutoring work with children and now only work with horses.  The freedom of following my calling is truly so liberating.  Love you lots and lots! 
 
Panayiota
Thanks so much for your kind words dear friend… do you feel that way even after reading my blogs?  (I’m presuming you might be reading them) … I fear Patricia has gotten me into so much trouble yet again, but feel strongly she needs a voice now also… You are so blessed to be working with horses (and your dogs), and doing what makes you so happy.  That would make me very happy also.  Horses saved my Life during the abusive stepfather era… I LOVE them with every fiber of my being.
 
Birgitta
Yes, my dear friend, not despite her, but because of her. I relate to so many of the things you write about and share.  I can often imagine myself in your shoes and get a glimpse of what it must be like, because the little Birgitta in me is very similar.  That’s why I know you are so strong and brave.
 
Panayiota
Thanks for sharing that.  It means the world to me.
 
A Facebook conversation today, with a friend I’ve never met named Val
 
I posted a quote on Facebook this morning
 
“If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well” ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
 
Val Van Der Vyver
Thank you for sharing this quote from Martin Luther King Jr. I also found a quote from him that really spoke to me and is so prevalent for our day.
 
"Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night, already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that." ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
 
Panayiota Ryall
It is a lovely quote, and a good reminder of where I need to return to when I'm so shaken up by deep anger... I must always return to LOVE... somehow, I know I have to, and somehow, I eventually always do.

Update on me

Slept better last night, because I took ¼ sleeping pill… it looks like I’m going to need to just take it every night for a while, until my unhappy spirit can settle again.  I’ve still got deep death-loss sadness (I literally experience loss of good friendships and betrayals, etc. as a death in every way) … for today, the anger and anxiety intensity has lessened, thankfully.  With the help of my friends mentioned above, and others, I feel a gradual returning to my center of love and peace, which is the only method by which I can survive in this world… and importantly, just accepting my lot… there’s no fighting it anymore… so, it’s always a matter of just getting through the death-loss grieving, to find a way to keep going… taking one day at a time…
 
My administrative work today was to read through the first 40 pages of our new online, Advanced Training in Logotherapy course, to see if any edits were needed.  There were so many reminders in there of the Logotherapeutic attitudinal values and standards I need to be achieving at this time in order to transcend my current state of hurting and reactions to that.  If it’s to be, it’s up to me!

Teria has set up the course and it is going to be a most amazing course for our students.  I really do believe that.  I feel privileged and definitely very blessed to be part of it.  Reading through those 40 pages today has brought me some semblance of peace… a little more much needed oxygen.
 
I identified so much with what Teria had written on page 37 of our new online, “Advanced Training in Logotherapy” course (www.vfisa.co.za) which we are hoping will be launched by 2021, and I’m so grateful to her for allowing me to share it here:
 
Summary of the chapter in your main prescribed book: The Life-changing Impact of Viktor Frankl’s Logotherapy by Teria Shantall
 
CHAPTER SIX:  WHAT IS YOUR REAL PROBLEM?
What is at the very basis of every hurt; the real crisis behind whatever problems the client may have to deal with?  This chapter sets out to prove that every distress, whatever its nature, is in essence a disturbance of the sense and experience of meaning in life.  The real issue that is to be dealt with in therapy, over and above whatever other treatment may be required, is a crisis of meaning.  When we suffer, we suffer.  It is not the pain that is the pain; it is not the distress that is the distress; it is not the problem that is the problem.  It is that we feel distressingly disconnected or severed from, or outside the normal flow of things.  Life is going on without us.  The sentence of exile from what others still enjoy has been passed on us.  What lies behind what Frankl called the tragic triad of human existence; the inescapable negatives or tragedies in life?  Why the pain, why do we suffer guilt, what scares us about death?  The pain of any kind of suffering makes us feel discarded by life; out of the normal, healthy and blessed flow of things; guilt makes us feel bad and under judgement, no longer loved and accepted and part of it all; and death ends our life and perhaps its purpose in the eternal scheme of things.  We lost connection with what really matters.  Suffering throws us.  Things are not what they should be.  Things are not sane or normal.  They are insane and abnormal.  Something very bad has happened or is happening to us.  The sea of emotional turmoil and conflict, the distress and anguish of it, can totally mask or temporarily submerge the essence of who we are as spiritual free-willed human beings.  Here is the truth:  We are not meant to suffer!  Suffering in itself is senseless, unwanted and wrong.  It is not something to be desired or wished on anyone.  It is something that is to be combatted, overcome and removed.  It is to no longer be!  All our yearnings, our efforts, our searching will be aimed at coming out of situations of suffering.  We want an end to it, be rid of it forever!  Suffering, Frankl contended, makes us aware of what ought NOT to be.  A case of a woman, our dear Panayiota Ryall, who suffered sexual abuse throughout her childhood is given in detail to illustrate the above truths.  Other case studies further highlight the truth that, at heart, clients want to regain that which they felt they had lost but what was and is still essentially theirs.   The released potential to become what they were meant to be, and could be in the case of a girl coming out of a state of deep depression, ends the chapter.
 
 
I LOVE LOGOTHERAPY! ❤️


Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~ Panayiota

My beautiful Thanksgiving cactus flowered this year.  I am delighted.  

I love my garden. ❤️ It's very small, but it's amazing, and really does save us a lot of money, and provides organically grown vegetables and herbs, so, it is better for our health too.  It mostly supplements my strict diet needs and the occasional fresh vegetables for our meals.

The freshness and taste of garden picked produce is also far superior than bought foods.  Vegetable gardening and harvesting does take more time and work than buying stuff already cleaned and packed at the store, but the work is well worth it and also gets me out into the sunshine and fresh air occasionally... something I probably wouldn't do otherwise.  

I'm also trying out new ideas for expanding the area for planting... I want to encourage others who have tiny gardens to try some of the ideas, but need to see for myself first, how the new ideas work and if they are worth the trouble.  One idea, is bottle-planting for the bedroom window, and the other is bottle-greenhouses for early planting of summer vegetables while it's still too cold to plant summer vegetables outside.

I have also been trying out dried vegetables and herbs in a biltong drier... very slow going, but it does work. 

Intrepid-Shem has been coming the last two weeks to help me dig Door Garden's... If anyone wants the pattern for this, please write to me on pattyskeys@gmail.com  It's a big job to prepare the gardens, but when done well they can last a long time, with only small-added preparation of beds needed each following season.  We only ever did one door garden originally, and it has for a good few season's now, produced the biggest and best crops.  Definitely worth the extra work to prepare the beds well in the first place.

The biltong maker and it's air-extraction fan are small and it therefore takes ages to dry a small batch of vegetables at a time. It is also a very week and easily broken design and not worth the amount we had to pay for it. 

I feel an urgent need to dry faster and therefore made a request for donations recently to buy a proper vegetable dryer.  I had no response to my donation plea.  I am going to buy the dryer anyway, but will be using money I had put away for my youngest son's inheritance. He has Asperger's syndrome, and if I died, I'd want him to be properly cared for.  This is also extremely important to me and my peace of mind. 

I feel anxious and desperate to prepare for harder times, so I really do believe we need the good dryer right now.  Please see the post written on the 5th of this month, with the donation plea and banking details on it if you feel you can help.  I would love to replace at least some of that money in my son's inheritance account if at all possible.  

Yesterday, on my Greek Name Day, by littlest sister passed by with some yummy gifts for me.  What a lovely surprise.  My dad also called to wish me a Happy Name Day, and I was so grateful he never called me Pat when he called.  My true name is NOT Pat.  I AM PANAYIOTA.  It was so wonderful to be treated and remembered on my Name Day.  Some of my Facebook friends also referred to me as Panayiota when they wished me yesterday, so that was also very special.

Some photos from a recent video call with my dad and littlest sister.  I love these snapshots I did during our WhatsApp video call... they are so much more natural than posed photos and capture expressions that make it real for me.  I love my family so much ❤️ 

Some of my beautiful orchids that are flowering at this time

Thank you for sharing with me, some of the people and things I LOVE.  I hope you enjoyed a glimpse into what I've been up to lately and our beautiful garden and that I've inspired you also to grow and save too.

~ Panayiota

Facebook memories help me to see the pattern of my life and this help me to put the puzzle pieces together, gradually gaining more perspective to make sense of times like these.  Having a tangible reason for the breakdown of my mental state and behaviours, helps me to see things more clearly.
 
6 years ago
Panayiota - Facebook memory
August 9, 2014 at 8:14 AM ·
With a mild earthquake a few days ago, and NO water for a few hours yesterday, I once again hear the call to be ready... get ready... store food and water and medical supplies in our homes, for just in case.  We should all be doing it as a matter of wisdom and preparedness... none of us knows when disaster could strike and it could. It's time we faced the facts of life and stopped living in denial, believing it only happens in “other” countries. The time is NOW. Storing of emergency supplies is something we should all be doing. If anyone needs a list of what to store for their family, please let me know. We should all have a three-day emergency backpack for each member in our homes in case we need to run... and also at least a year’s supply of foods and water in our homes. I wish I had money... man, but I will still do what I can, somehow!
 
The above memory, just reinforces the struggle I’m having right now with this horrible corona virus and lockdown situation.  The struggle is VERY real!   If Maria Marshall allows me, I will share the article that I contributed to her book which should be published next month sometime.  It was very much related to the theme above.
 
11 years ago
Panayiota - Facebook memory
August 9, 2009 at 5:29 PM ·
Closing FB tonight for once and for all... please remember to e-mail from time to time all my friends out there... (email address).
 
Whenever I went through something particularly difficult where a friend let me down or turned their back on me, instead of deleting that friend only, because their presence was causing me so much pain, I used to delete everybody on my Facebook page except the absolute very rare few I felt I could still totally trust.  I would delete the rest, because the pain was such, that if that one could have stopped loving me, then whose love could I trust?  But it never worked for long, because so many of the ones who I’d deleted, that truly loved me there, would not let me get rid of them so easily, and so they would re-Friend me and without hesitation, I’d accept them back… strangely also sometimes, I’d even accept back the one/s who had hurt me if they sent a Friend request… part of me feeling that if they wanted to come back to my page, there had to be a reason and I had to give them a chance.  Mostly, I’d send messages of warning that I was about to delete everyone, or about to close my FB page, because maybe deep down, I wanted to hear someone say, “Please don’t go… I love you… I still want to be your friend”.  Occasionally, someone would ask me to stay and then I would… keeping their name on my rare and beautiful list and not deleting my page after all… but, still deleting everyone else who I wasn’t sure about, or who hadn’t shown any interest in “my visibility” for some time.  I did the whole deleting thing more than once, and each time I did, I did regret it afterwards, but also, gradually gathered around me, more and more people who I truly believed loved me and really cared and wanted to spend time with me each day on Facebook.  These dear steadfast friends and family, have been such a strengthening gift to my life, because they never went away, even when I did… they would not let me go.  I hope to meet them all someday, even if only in Heaven… I want to embrace each and every one and tell them how much I love them for steadfastly walking with me on my journey through life.
 
With the setback I’ve experienced as a result of that horrible Zoom meeting, I have not been able to shake the intense waves of sadness alternating with Patricia’s intense frustration and anger… I know I keep repeating poems, but, here we go again… they are the only way I can express well enough, what I’m feeling in any one moment in time, because they were written in such moments…
 
INTENSITY!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
The intensity is more than I can bear!
Burning acid on every rip and tear!
Bubble, bubble toil and trouble!
So much chaos, so much muddle!
I cannot bear it anymore...
But I'm not ready for Heaven's Door!
Help me!  Help me!
Please make me brave!
Save me! Save me! 
Please help me...
Save...
 
~ Panayiota
(07 October 2014
 
Feeling I had nowhere else to turn, I reached out to a woman on Facebook who keeps a page especially for people who have been abused… Sarah had written something and I responded:
 
Sarah Choujounian
I created this group for you, so that you may share your journey 🤗...don’t be shy, share your ups & downs with us...your story can help others ✊
 
Panayiota
Thank you Sarah, I guess my struggle still to this day at 63 years of age, is that I will never be understood and will always be blamed for everything that goes wrong when I react to my pain because someone else broke my boundaries, etc. They can always use my mental illness against me... so I can and will never win. It's like my childhood, living with an extremely abusive mother who accused, blamed and beat me for everything she could possibly think of, is repeated over and over and over again. The nightmare never ends. No one could ever hear my cries... nobody could ever see me... I am still invisible... and I guess, lock-down isn't helping much. Thank you for giving me a voice today ❤️
 
Sarah Choujounian
Panayiota, Thank you and it’s my absolute pleasure 🤗. I see you 👀 and I absolutely understand you...you’re not alone.  The lockdown has been extremely triggering & difficult for me too 😕...I really feel you & I stand with you ❤️
 
Panayiota
Your response brought tears to my eyes... thank you so much for just knowing what this feels like and sharing that ❤️
 
Just sharing with someone who understands… really, really understands... is on its own, very healing.  I felt comforted by her short and much needed and authenticating response.
 
This little poster, posted by my Facebook friend Ant, says it all

Panayiota
That's so me right now... but this too shall pass! ❤️
 
Ant
I had a bad dip a while ago, the first and last blocks described me to the T. Thankfully I've learned to reach out for help. And I have always had the most amazing people show up for me in my worst times. Knowing that what I am experiencing is temporary helped as well as having the knowledge that my attitude will determine the length and depth of my struggle, forced me to look up instead of in. I am also blessed to have a job that allows me to reach out to others and that always pulls me out. Love you Pan...You will rise out of this ❤️
 
Panayiota
Perfect, comforting words dear Ant. Thank you ❤️ Love you ❤️
 
On the 9th August, I was booked to present my Logotherapy Dream Interpretation of The Daydream Worlds of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse, presentation to students’ via a Zoom meeting, but it turned out that everyone needed to talk about their lockdown struggles, etc. I didn’t mind at all that I was not able to present, and felt so inspired by the love and freedom to express that everyone shared there.  I never shared, but listening alone was a gift of compassionate and healing love to me.  It made me realise how important it is for me to stay strong, even if it feels so horribly uncomfortable to be in this world right now.
 
The last week has been a very hard one for me.  I try not to let people know what I’m going through and keep my strong face on for the people I care enough about to not worry them with my crazy STUFF!  But here, on my blog, I need to feel free to share my truths.  I pray that if anyone is left uncomfortable after reading my stuff, that they either don’t come here to read, or that they will trust me as much as I believe that my God and also my mentor, Teria does… that I will not take my life, and that I will always rise above my struggles eventually, no matter how deep they are at any one time, or how long it takes, or how many losses I incur in the process.  I AM NOT A QUITTER!!!  If I survived my childhood abusers, my two abusive husbands, my horrid house move in 2012 and the transference and counter-transference in therapy, do you honestly think I won’t survive THIS… NOW?  The nightmares might be very hard to live through, and never seem to end, but I WILL NOT LET MY ABUSERS WIN ANYMORE!  My mother tried to abort me before I was even born and she never succeeded then… I WILL NOT LET HER KILL ME NOW!  She couldn’t kill me with her hate then… WHY SHOULD ANYONE ELSE’S HATE AND JUDGMENTS AGAINST ME KILL ME NOW!  I will keep fighting for my healing and freedom, no matter how much I might fall and weaken from time to time! 
 
‘FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT’ TO BE ‘ME’!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I sometimes ponder upon my ‘haunting fears’
I know ‘they’ were created since my difficult youth
I wonder how I came so far with ‘them’
For they exist, as plain as the truth
 
I know I’m a special woman today
I believe in the ‘LOVE’ of my heart
Yet still the ‘fears’ haunt me so often
And I’m sure ‘they’ will never depart
 
I’ve learnt to expect ‘them’ - My burden
To carry with me through all my days
And although faith has made ‘them’ less frightening
‘They’ still insist on ‘their’ ways
 
‘They’ so want to rule who I am
And control my destiny
But I know all ‘their’ tricks and ‘their’ games
I will keep fighting, The Good Fight’ to be ‘ME’
 
~ Panayiota
(28 March 2002)
 
THE FIGHT IS IN ME RIGHT NOW… IT’S THE ONLY WAY I CAN COPE WITH THE INTENSITY OF MY EMOTIONS!  One thing Patricia KNOWS WITHOUT DOUBT, is that she will NEVER be accepted and loved for who she is… she will NEVER be given a real voice in this world… and when she does try to talk, she will ALWAYS be ignored, judged, hated and rejected for daring to open her mouth… she will be left beaten over and over again… MOTHER ALWAYS WINS!
 
The need to hurt myself this last week, and still today has been incredibly intense.  My mind does play with suicidal thoughts… slitting wrists… cutting myself… bruising… biting my knuckles very hard, as I did when I was a child, etc. but, they are only thoughts and I am absolutely 100% positive that I WOULD NOT DO IT (Suicide)… I could NOT do that to my children and grandchildren and to those who I know look up to me and those who believe in me in this world… or my students.  I WILL NOT DO IT!
 
On Monday afternoon the intensity and anxiety was so intense, I felt I would just die if I did not hurt myself.  But it was my son’s afternoon off, so he came home.  I tried to get him to go shopping, but he was only interested in his games so wouldn’t go so that I could relieve the pressure-cooker wanting to explode inside of me.  Strangely, the self-injury intensity seemed worse during the afternoons this last week, with extreme anxiety attached and intense feelings of arousal… all linked to Patricia’s adolescent period of her life, with the stepfather's molestations inflicted on her repeatedly.  I can assure anyone reading this, that the intensity of arousal feelings is not something pleasant at all… it is absolute torture.  When I experienced it during the times of flashbacks in therapy, it was so uncomfortable to the point of vividly daydreaming constantly about cutting off the bottom half of my body.  I wanted to rid myself of those feelings forever… but what he did to me has continued to haunt me even to this day, well into my 60’s!  (I’ll turn 64 in November). 
 
I did not hurt myself this week, but the intensity and waves of emotions have made me very uneasy and as a result, I’ve struggled to stay out of a dissociative state during the days, so that I can do  my work efficiently, and I’ve struggled to sleep at night.  The night before last I chose not to take a sleeping pill and managed just over 4 hours sleep only.  Thankfully I took my usual ¼ sleeping pill last night, and totally exhausted, I managed to sleep a good 7 hours.  I could not have done another day like yesterday.
 
Today I lost the battle with Patricia’s anger, but somehow, I still held control over what she intended to do to me.  She had found another way to hurt me... one that would not hurt physically!  With the same intensity of wanting to bruise myself, I searched frantically for the scissors I had worked with just recently… what on earth did I do with them all… they are all blunt and about two or three weeks ago, I was looking for a way to sharpen them.  I could not find them today!  I eventually found a small pair of sewing scissors… went to the bathroom… stripped bare… (we were always stripped, left exposed and naked, before we were beaten when we were children)… and I stared to chop my hair off!  I knew without a shadow of a doubt, that Patricia wanted to leave me bald… I fought to keep control over those scissors… I could feel her anger still directed at the one and others who she felt had hurt her or abandoned her recently… I could hear her thoughts… “If you want UGLY, here’s ugly for you!”… (Our mother used to cut our hair very short… we HATED it… she refused to allow us to look like girls or to feel pretty… it was as though she wanted us to be ugly so that she could continue to feel her own beauty above ours.)  Once I was out of her control, I chose never to let my hair be short… that was Patricia’s defiant stand… “You will NEVER cut my hair short again!!!” and I never did… but today, I could feel a different defiance and anger in Patricia… this time, not directed towards mother!
 
“If you want UGLY, here’s ugly for you!”
 
And… I have to say, she’s left me in a hot mess… how could I let anyone see me like this… if a hairdresser saw what I’ve done, I wonder what they will think… I now look and feel really ugly… MOTHER WON! 
 
But she only won today! 
 
What triggered today’s madness, was the fact that I was put onto a WhatsApp group by the very person who has upset my life and my sense of peace and belonging so much and I am just not ready for the insulting intrusion into my space yet… I have to have time for my own recovery before I will be strong enough to face life with my own strengths again… so it’s annoying the HELL out of me that he did that right now!  (Like the fipping hero, come to save the poor, weak soul!!!  DOES HE THINK HE’S EQUIPPED TO FIX ME!!!!  Oh, the swear words Patricia has for him right now!  But still keeping some control over my faculties… so “LEAVE ME ALONE!” will have to suffice.)  I have put the thing on MUTE for a year… to give myself a chance to find some sense of peace again in the meantime… I cannot delete myself from there, because there are many people I love there, who don’t see me as a weak NOTHING that needs their help and controlling!  I feel a sense of responsibility and love for their presence and WILL NOT insult them or their goodness and their love by leaving.  But to save myself from the repeatedly triggering of the intensity of anger I’m feeling, I will remain MUTED for now! 
 
Of course… others will fall away from my life when they read my blog posts over all of this SHIT!  They will feel sorry for the one that hurt me... they're always so clever... mother knew exactly how to cover up her own faults… IT IS WHAT IT IS… IT’S HOW IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN!  NOTHINGS NEW…
 
Today is my Greek Name Day ~ I AM PANAYIOTA

My Greek mom was the only person who ever really celebrated my Greek name day with me and the only one who ever consistently called me by my real name... (she could see me… she could hear me… I was not invisible to her) and whenever we were together on my Name Day, she would make sure to give me a chocolate... It's funny how that has always been one of my greatest memories of her... what may have seemed like a small thing to her, was such an affirmation of real belonging to me... she made me believe that I belonged to my Greek family… I miss her terribly.  I must still share my metaphorical story here sometime, about my times visiting her during my childhood… I’ve been meaning to.  I must find the time to do that. 　

​Thank you to those who took the time to read this.  Please Like the post if you did read, so that I at least can be left with a sense of being uplifted by the presence of those who cared enough to read to the end.  

​Those who don’t at least try to understand or those who don't approve of what I share… I DON’T WANT YOUR LIKE ON MY POSTS!  
 
~ Panayiota/Patricia 

Still struggling due to the Zoom fiasco, I experienced another connected upset yesterday that revealed my current status within the group!  It threw me for a loop... reminded me of how often I find myself in that very same place in life... that nothing ever really changes... the good times... the good friendships... the love... etc. may as well be illusions that I keep fooling myself with. 

My mind was on fire by the time I went to bed... all sadness turned to deep anger... I could not sleep.  Just  before 11pm, I got up and wrote the following.  I knew I would not be able to sleep before getting everything out in writing... I took 1/4 sleeping pill and thankfully got a good night's sleep after all.

Just Shut Up!

© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Don’t say a word
Keep quiet – stay down
Don’t cry more tears
Don’t show your frown
 
Shut up – stay still
Work hard – don’t stop
Don’t share what you want to
Lock your truths up
 
Let them judge you
Mother STILL wins
Pointing fingers will say
You’re the one who has sinned
 
Let them listen to those
Who cause anguish and loss
Let them be fooled
By the ones playing BOSS
 
Let them believe them
Your truths can’t be heard
They never could
So, don’t say a word
 
Nothing changes
It’s always the same
No matter your truths
You’re always to blame
 
Let them gossip
Your weaknesses – their cloak
To hide their own faults
Leaving you as their joke
 
There’s no ways they will admit
The things they have done
While they steal away your best friends
And block out trust’s sun
 
Let them take away
The ones that you love
Let them have it all
THERE’S TRUE LIGHT STILL ABOVE
 
Get back into your wall
Brick in all the holes
Protect yourself
From the world’s ugly trolls
 
Just let them win
You keep climbing high
One day they will KNOW
When they too reach the sky
 
Don’t get too close
SHUT UP – STAND BACK
Don’t say a word
It’s their hearing – they lack
 
It is what it is
It has always been so
Just seal your mouth up
And let them all go
 
Let them destroy your reputation
With their heartless games
Their clever BIG words
And POMPOUS names
 
Beaten once more
Totally alone
Exposed and naked
Stripped to the bone
 
Don’t say what you want to
Your voice is absurd
Your words twisted and trampled
By the gathering heard
 
You don’t stand a chance
Like so often before
Mother still twists her knife
Deep into your core
 
Alone you must stand
Alone you must fight
Shut out their darkness
Keep reaching for light
 
Sadness still overwhelms
As so often before
Don’t allow it to take hold
Life just keeps sending more
 
Shut up!
Stay down
Don’t say a word
You’re never-ever going to be heard
 
Heaven will reveal
Your truths some day
It will be interesting then
To hear what they say
 
Let them all go
SHUT UP!
 
~ Patricia!
(12Aug20)

I love this WhatsApp conversation I had this morning with one of our students, it reminded me of the following quote... 

“An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behaviour” (Frankl, 2006, p. 20) ~ Man's Search for Meaning  

Nonku
Good day Pan!!  Trust you are  keeping well under these terrible times.  I wanted to ask... at what age can we start teaching children the meaning of life.  Or rather, from what age can they start discovering their meaning to  life.  Thanking you!!!

Panayiota
As soon as a child understands anything... so even from before they are born... they hear calm sounds... their parent's gentle voices... a loving heartbeat whilst in the hug of their mother's womb... Their understanding of meaning then, is already, a sense of, "I am safe and secure, I am loved and I am wanted." As they grow older, everything new, that is good, beautiful, right, healing and true brings them a sense of meaning... like, having a pet to love... take responsibility for... learning to be kind... to serve... to love.  Through all the goodness they are encouraged to give to life, through all the goodness they receive from life... gratitude... noticing and recognising blessings... delighting in the little things... an ant carrying its enormous meal... a beautiful butterfly... the colour and smell of a flower... being held in their mother and father's loving arms... gentle words... regular reassurance... I'm okay - you're okay... my world is a safe place to be... carefree and loved.

Nonku
Wow!!! Thank you so much Pan... I'm working with vulnerable children (orphans, abused, etc.) who are very hopeless because love is an illusion to them.  

Panayiota
Know, that LOVE is the only way to heal them.  See them as "bottomless pits"... no matter how much love and reassurance you give to them, it might never be enough  (because they will still always be longing for what should have been at the original source of their aching-loss and all that was missing from their lives)... so, our work is to just keep on giving more and more genuine and consistent loving reassurance, and hope that one day they might believe, trust and know true love is not an illusion, or a dream to long for, that  might someday magically happen... but rather, a reality that exists and is worth reaching out for and never giving up on... I wish you much enduring strength and love on behalf of those little ones entrusted to your loving care.  God bless you and those dear little children.

Nonku
You are too kind... thank you so much!!  Please take care of yourself.  


Thank you for sharing with me today

~ Panayiota

Please take note:  If you find that you are adversely affected by my posts, please don’t read them.  I don’t watch or listen to the News, because it affects me terribly when I do, so I don’t expect anyone to be reading my posts if they are affected by them.  If you find yourself gossiping or judging me negatively after reading my posts… please don’t read them.  If I have hurt you… please don’t read my posts… I don’t want you to think I’m making excuses or manipulating with my writings.  This is a place where I wish to feel free to share my authentic reality in the hopes that others like me will know that they are not alone, and that we can continue to find ways to our healing.  Please don’t read this if you feel you could never be my friend.  Thank you.
 
For those who do read, my apologies in advance for this being such a long post… I’ve had so much weighing me down and it had to be written in order for me to feel any sense of release.  If you do read, please may I ask you to “Like”, so that I know that someone took the time, for this one, and cared… I need to know.  Thank you so much.
 
It’s been one of the hardest months in a long-long time.  I think the computer crash in 2017 and the other stuff and losses that went on that year, was the last time I struggled this hard… and before then, was in 2012, when I was moving home.  My amazing trip to Israel earlier that year, and dancing with my dad for the very first time in my life at the age of 55-years at my niece’s 21st, were the incredible blessings that somehow held me together and sent me the message, that I’d make it through that year and that my life was still meant to be.
 
But this last month, has been so very painful to me.  I’ve cried on and off continually!  I lost my safe-connection with one of my closest friends, as a result of Patricia being triggered at a Zoom meeting and my “negative” reaction to that.  I have literally been stuck in Patricia’s personality since then!  Her suffering is extreme and I have no way to calm and reassure her, because her emotions are too strong for me to bear at times and I have no way in.  I’m still begging my Heavenly Father to help me make things right again.
 
“TRAGIC OPTIMISM – Frankl says: Life is potentially meaningful under any condition, even the most miserable, even in the face of tragedy, and the negative aspects can be turned into something constructive…
 
Tragic Optimism for Frankl is:
•          to turn suffering into a human achievement, to an accomplishment;
•          to derive from guilt the opportunity of changing oneself for the better; and
•          deriving from life’s transitoriness an incentive to take responsible action…
 
Tragic Optimism is “to say yes to life in spite of everything”!” (Havenga Coetzer, 2003, p. 99) ~ Viktor Frankl’s Avenues to Meaning
 
I wish I had a way to explain to you reading this and others in my life, what it feels like… I can only describe it as extreme anguish… literally wanting to die to get rid of it… unquenchable guilt and shame… anxiety mingled with the raw-fear of my adolescence… and no way to FIX the problem… nowhere to turn to… no real voice when what is needed more than anything, is to be able to talk this out with the person who I have hurt.  But then I even think about that… who would be talking to him… my adult-self or my adolescent-self.  It all seems so futile.  Healing would surely come if Patricia was given a chance to speak… something she never had during her childhood, but who is strong enough to GET-IT?   Help me please! 
 
Yesterday, I had to change a password I’d forgotten… and in the new password, I added… Help me!... and, just knowing I’d done that, haunted me for hours and hours, so that last night I only managed around just over 5 hours sleep, which is just not enough for me!
 
I try to work out, what was the rout cause of my friend distancing himself at this time.  What did I do? God help me please. My mind has not stopped churning, trying to make sense of it all… and to keep a very long story as short as I possibly can:

• I have known this person for a while now.  He is one of the most loving, kind, understanding, PATIENT and generous friends I have ever know.  The fault cannot be with him, so it has to be something to do with me.  But what?  

 
And then the constant hours of anger at myself… What did I do to upset him enough to make him step back from our friendship? It must surely have been something really terrible. I have been agonising non-stop for answers!  Perhaps it was me that stepped back… Am I pushing friends away again due to this lockdown… fear of loss… so I create the scenario before it actually happens, as if that might make it easier to bare or something… OH NO PLEASE!
 
Is this possible?

• Due to lockdown, I know that my fears have been hugely triggered.  My survival instincts have been triggered again… What if the world crashes… I need to prepare… I need to be ready… what if I can’t find the foods I need for my very strict diet?  And so many other horror stories going on in my head, not to mention worrying for all those around me that I love… family, friends, etc.  Worrying also that my book will never have its chance to be published now… and so on, and on, and on!  My daughter sent me pictures of little dogs up for adoption nearby.  You have no idea how much I miss my dogs, but my first response to her was, “What if we can’t find food for them if things go wrong?” I’m too afraid to take on more responsibilities now… I’m already worried for the dogs I long for, and so I cannot bring them home… and on the other hand, if I had a dog now, maybe, just maybe I’d be in a better place mentally… I surely would. 
• I know when my fears are triggered and I get needy like this, I start to need a whole lot more reassurance and even attention… so, did I bother this friend too much and wear him out?  I can’t even remember, but this is a likely cause, because I know that this is something I do almost subconsciously, until I’m made aware of it.  Did I message him too much?  Did I ask for help too many times?  Did I cross sacred-friendship boundaries in the process?  I ache as I write this… so ashamed of pushing away yet another dear friend… How can I live with myself anymore?!

 
How could I have done that to this friend… please God, not this one.  I keep hoping it’s just a bad nightmare, but deep down I know from experience, that once Patricia’s damage is done, it’s most often already too late.  I made Teria angry once… that nearly killed me then, just as I am experiencing now, but somehow, she still never gave up on me… she’s still in my life………….… Why?  I think she always knew how to set her boundaries with me, and how to respect mine, and that’s how our friendship has lasted so long… but will I eventually push her away too… and Dana… will Dana be strong enough for my ups and downs indefinitely?  God help me… and them also!
 
And I think it was the same day that I was feeling so detached that I couldn’t concentrate on my work.  It’s been like that for a while, but that day, I was really struggling… the part of me that is trying so hard to be a “good girl”, feels desperate to stay on top of things so as not to upset anyone, but, that is totally countered by the detachment which has been going on a lot since the Covid-19 lockdown got the better of me.  I feel like a total idiot, because I struggle so hard to keep order and structure in my mind so that I can work efficiently.  On that day, I think about three days ago, three student payments came in… two with names I’d never heard of, so they must have signed on for a course online… but because I couldn’t connect, I couldn’t work out what course… what was I supposed to do now… I was staring blankly at the computer… my pulse racing with fear, because I was feeling so stupid… (if mother finds me like this, I will be beaten)… my youngest son walked in… asked me what was the matter… and I burst into tears… told him in a desperately panicked voice, that I don’t know what to do.  The next day, I looked at the same payments and knew what to do… it was easy… except for the one payment which we still have no idea of… a stranger who paid for no apparent reason.  I have written to them, but still no response. 
 
I feel as though I’ve lost my “Life-support”… and worse still, I feel as though I deserve it… that I was never worthy of such goodness in the first place… there’s no oxygen again… I dream of just giving up now and going to an old age home where I can just be left alone with my garden and maybe a little dog and painting and sewing, etc.… but I can’t do that either as I’m still staying with my youngest, 33 year old Asperger syndrome son who I do care very much about.
 
Patricia is so afraid of how fragile her relationships are, she’s petrified of more losses, so she constantly has to remind herself with most of her relationships, to be careful… stay quiet… please… stay down… stay calm… stay safe… but, when a loss sneaks up on her as suddenly as this one did… it’s literally catastrophic to her/my psyche… as if it’s on fire and I can’t put the raging flames out on my own… I exhaust myself completely trying to come up with a way, but I’ve learned that nothing works… nobody will rescue me from me.  There is no aloneness quite as lonesome as this… wondering lost in a vast and scorching desert place… nowhere to run… nowhere to hide… no reaching hands…
 
I wrote once:
 
NO ONE’S LISTENING!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
No one’s listening!  No one’s listening!
No one hears or understands!
No one’s listening!  No one’s listening!
No one cares; no reaching hands!
 
All alone I’m bound to travel
The vast reaches of this earth,
What is the meaning of my life here?
What was the purpose of my birth?
 
Why is this battle so endless?
When will it ever stop?
Will I be judged as a success someday?
Or will I forever be judged as a flop?
 
Will no one see the real me?
Will no one know me true?
Will I forever roam this earth,
Alone and judged by you?
 
When will someone believe in me,
Or understand my way?
I long for the love of True Friendship,
To uplift me each new day.
 
But no one’s listening!  No one hears!
All alone I’m bound to be!
No reaching hands to show who cares,
Because no one’s listening to me!
 
~ Panayiota
(22 February 2003)
 
I have to try to remember how I behaved when I was an adolescent and why… what was I doing then for attention and reassurance and to seek a sense of worth during those troubled times… What was I doing then, that I am doing again during the troubled times I’m facing now?   I recognise the emotions… they are unbearable… but the behaviour… what would Patricia have been doing to try and elicit reassurance for her struggles… how was she coping… what held her together then… Oh my word… I am needing to be held together right now, but it feels like there’s nowhere to turn. 
 
WHAT TERRIBLE, UNFORGIVABLE THING HAVE I DONE THIS TIME!!! 
 
I’ve made my friend very sad.  I see his face… it’s his sad face… it’s breaking my heart.  I would never have done that to him deliberately… NEVER!!!! 
 
Oh, how I’ve hated myself these last few weeks.  Constantly visualizing a way out of the discomfort of my anguish.  Knowing that I’ve changed everything again… ME!!!  I DID THIS!!!  And the worst is, that my adult self, won’t let it happen, no matter how horrible this time is… no matter how much Patricia begs me to let her go. 
 
THERE IS NO MEANING IN SUFFERING!
 
The Meaning of Suffering
 
•          Suffering is intended to challenge us
•          Suffering calls us to account
•          Suffering leads us to repentance
•          Suffering is meant to inspire us
•          Suffering is meant to lead us to spiritual victory
•          Suffering is meant to be a watershed experience
 
(Shantall, 2003, p. 41-49) ~ The Quest for Destiny
 
The person who upset me at the Zoom meeting three to four weeks ago, decided to dump on me for something that I NEVER EVEN DID!  Someone else did and then he did also, without even realizing he had… and that immediately triggered Patricia’s anger again!  I told him to leave me alone! To not try to be my boss!  And as expected… he did leave me alone!  They always do… I am very easily forgettable… breaks my heart!
 
My littlest sister phoned a few days ago, on one of my particularly bad days… she just wanted to chat, and she has a way of going round and round in circles repeating herself over and over and she talks too fast, and her phone echoes terribly… I found my anxiety spiraling out of control within minutes… I tried so hard to be patient, but in the end I had to tell her to stop.  I would never have done that normally… but I was already too far gone by the time she called.  I don’t think I offended her… I told her I had to take another call… or something… but I actually had to silence my inner screaming… it was so loud!  Then just after her my friend Dana called, and again, I just couldn’t listen to her anymore… and that’s when I cracked in a bucket of tears and just told her I couldn’t… I had to go.  She was so patient and kind and very sensitive to how I was feeling… she knew when to step in with an offer to help and used the right words, so that I never felt pressured, and so, feeling I was no longer so alone, I started to feel better after speaking to her.  For some reason, I haven’t cried since… I just feel dead inside, as if I’ve come to the realization that I’ve messed up too bad this time and LOST once again, and I just have to keep moving forward regardless. 
 
I find myself adding extra posts to Facebook, to show how GOOD I’ve been.  (the “good girl” thing happening again) If I’m good, someone will love me… a way of reaching out for acceptance and love.  So, I posted my latest gardening achievements, to have my ego stroked in that way… they love me… they care… I’m not alone.
 
FACEBOOK
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
A fantasy world of make believe,
Where friends are true friends for a moment’s reprieve,
Where I go to visit daily without any fear,
These true friends seem to always welcome me there.
 
I thrive on this fantasy in my lonely place,
Reaching out on the Internet for the world to embrace,
I believe everyone loves me and thinks that I’m grand,
In this wonderful escape to Facebook’s, fantasy land.
 
My friendship is safe there where I don’t feel a fool,
Facebook is a lovely ‘Lonely Hearts Tool,
Friends don’t get too close and can’t hurt me there,
Yet they’re on my computer and so very near.
 
So that’s why I love Facebook and think that it’s swell,
Cos it helps me to escape my sometimes, dark hell,
It’s a place where I can feel that I truly exist,
The wonderful land in the Internet’s mist.
 
But it takes up so much time and I get nothing done,
Facing the computer instead of dancing in the sun,
And I feel so frustrated as the days go on by,
While I’m escaping in Facebook so that I don’t have to cry.
 
~ Panayiota
(Saturday, 24 April 2010)
 
But in real-life… I know more and more, that I MUST stay apart… stay quiet… don’t get too close to ANYONE… stay still… There is no escaping Patricia’s brick-wall entrapment!  She will NEVER really belong anywhere, but inside of me… SHE BELONGS TO ME ♥
 
My adrenaline has been running on high for days… that alone feels terrible… makes my heart race and pound… I feel sick all over and ache as if there’s a steady stream of poison in my body… sometimes I wish I was brave enough to turn the light off… but it seems that I am being called instead, to be brave enough to keep it turned on…
 
“Our pain and sufferings are meant to awaken our spiritual aspirations.  Life is always asking us, “What are we meant to discover in any particular situation?””  ~ Henry Mason
 
I’m screaming inside for LIFE to just leave me alone, like I told my friend the other day… the Zoom one who does not respect my boundaries… but LIFE just WON’T leave me alone!  It hasn’t finished with me yet!  And knowing this… I surrender… I surrender… I surrender…
 
A memory that popped up on Facebook yesterday and my response to it: 
(The memory is about the time of preparing to move and having to deal with all the hoarded STUFF… which I called, “The Hoarding Monster”… it was a terrible-terrible time in my life which I talk more about in my book, that I still hope to have finished soon)
 
Panayiota shared a memory.
August 7, 2020
WOW! I was just mentioning in another post how I am growing as many veggies as I possibly can in case of disaster, and this pops up from 8 years ago!!! See... I'm not crazy (well... I guess some people think I am, and that's okay... they don't know me and the depths of my fears!!!)... My past has a HUGE effect on my psyche still to this day! Unbelievable!!!
 
8 Years Ago
 
Panayiota
August 7, 2012
You know what I discovered is the big theme of all the stuff I've been storing? A HUGE internal sense of insecurity over loss. I've stored things that would ensure that if the world falls apart, I will have a way to make money again... so my storage has in a sense been a form of a self-sustaining exercise. A way to ensure that I will not die when disaster falls. I realise now that this stems from huge insecurities as a child... everyday living with my mother was unpredictable... practically every six months we were moving... the longest I ever stayed in one school was the last 2 years of school... in a boarding school. We were always losing things due to moves... friends, toys, beloved pets, schools, neighbours... you name it... so now I try to hold onto everything that would ensure that I will survive... because LIFE always felt like IMPENDING DEATH to me as a child... never knowing what would set mom off next... the next beating... so many beatings… so much shouting and belittling... and the stepfather... the next rape... so many of those too... I can see it all now, just in this de-hoarding exercise... what I saved in those two rooms and why... definitely a “Hoarding Monster” born from my past... I'm so glad I'm dealing with "IT" at last... thank you for all those who are urging me on... for your prayers and for your loving support and steadfast friendships... I am so grateful for you all.
 
And then this other important memory also popped up on Facebook yesterday.
 
Panayiota shared a memory.
August 7, 2020
Oh, my word... it's still happening... even NOW!!! I seriously need help, but I think the only help left to me is HEAVEN!  This morning I deleted my blog connected Facebook page... I also deleted my listing as a Logotherapist... too much to try to explain... but who could even understand... WHO? WOW! This FB memory below, on THIS day, has stunned me! It was written when I was moving home... that was the hardest time for me ever! Feels a bit like now, again...
 
8 Years Ago

Panayiota 
August 7, 2012
I have discovered some genuine friends here on FB... that even when I start to sabotage due to fears of losing you... you still stand by me... I'm doing it already at church... feeling angry from a place deep inside... pushing everyone away... because the fear of losing the rare and the beautiful among them is too much for me... and it amazes me how quickly they fall away... they just don't understand what's really happening and how much I really need them right now. There are some rare and beautiful here on FB who are not letting me go... and for that I am so grateful right now... thank you so much for staying with me on this journey. Soon I will delete anyone who I feel has given up as I desperately need to be surrounded... only by the rare and the beautiful... please understand.
 
A Facebook friend responded yesterday – 7 August, 2020

Ant
Awe Panayiota how well I understand this. I tried to explain my pathology to the new guy in my life a few days ago. Just to warn him. I will wake up one morning and decide no one loves me, no one even likes me, people cannot stand me and unless he picks up on it, I will disappear from his life in a second. Poor guy blamed my friends, but it's not them, it's something so deeply rooted inside of me, something so ingrained in me, that only a few precious souls survive...It's dark and lonely but safe and secure place. The sense of security the choice to leave gives is too powerful to resist. But it is followed by self-loathing, and self-isolation that takes every drop of strength to step out of. But eventually both you Panayiota and I step out, and therein lies our victory and our strength.
 
Panayiota
Your share means so much to me, dearest Ant... thank you so much for understanding. I'm in a self-loathing place now. It is taking me every ounce of energy to keep it together. Responsibility forces me to carry on. Sometimes I tell LIFE that it is cruel. Like I'd really like to have a break to feel sorry for myself this weekend, but NO... I have a Zoom presentation to do on Sunday. LIFE has a way of not letting us get away with our struggles... it forces us to keep going... I can tell people to leave me alone, but apparently, I can't tell LIFE to leave me alone... I WANT TO... but it knows just what to do to stop me from sinking deeper! FLIP! Sending you so much strength dear friend... and yes... each day we are still here due to our victories and strength... even when the rest of the world only sees weakness and something to judge us for... HUGS ❤
 
When I asked Ant if I could share our conversation, she responded:
​
Ant
…I am honored to have you share. I feel so much less alone when I read about your struggle and I see how brave you are to share it so openly with the world. I had to rehearse my "speech" to my boyfriend so many times until I thought it made enough sense and he might understand my very lonely struggle. AND THEN AS IF ON QUE you post your story and I feel understood. Like there is 1 person who understands and maybe, just maybe I am not so alone in this never-ending cycle...
 
Panayiota
Oh wow... maybe read when you have time, the blog post I post today or tomorrow... see if it might help him to understand better and maybe if you can share parts of it with him... I'm apologising in advance, because I think it's going to be a long one... I cannot rest until I've written it all out and tried to make sense of it all... it's all such a mess right now to the point of me wanting to die, just to stop the pain... but I know I can't do that... I have to keep going.  Knowing I make a difference, to even one person who KNOWS how this feels, means the world to me... gives me the shove I need to keep going... Thank you ❤
 
Isn't it amazing how just the right stuff comes when you need it at any one time.  I will be posting some of it with my blog... it just seems to arrive just when you need it most... either the right words of wisdom... or something to reassure... or something to acknowledge... etc.  It's a beautiful thing ❤
 
Were you child abused? Sorry, I have ZILCH memory! It's so embarrassing!
 
Ant
I was an unwanted child. My mom never wanted children and I was abused by a friend's father. But I always struggled with where I belong or fit in. Just never had any sense of belonging.
 
Panayiota
That is me too... very little sense of belonging... it's so hard to bear that kind of trial.  My heart goes out to you dear friend.  I'm here for you any time you need to chat, okay!  Just know you are loved and I understand.  My mom never wanted me either... tried to abort me...  hated me for living... she was a monster! Then the stepfather raped and beat us over and over while mother beat us senseless both with her belt and words... I can't wait to get my book out there for the world to see and hopefully for abusers to realise the extent of what they do...
 
Ant
My mom and I have a wonderful relationship now. But the messages from my childhood... you are not part of your father's family, you are not part of my family etc. All that has done ever-lasting damage. I sometimes get so mad at how things had worked out. My mom has made peace with everyone and she has changed so much for the better.  She now encourages me to reach out to the family and she tells me to rely on and reach out to them. But I am broken. I am unable to sustain the belief that I belong.
 
Panayiota
Oh, how I understand... for me, I call it the “bottomless pit syndrome”... I know it sounds bad, but they don't realise how they leave us with LIFELONG longings and pain... nothing takes it away.  It comes and goes, but always returns... it's a never-ending story of suffering that I also know too well... God bless you ❤ ❤ ❤ Thank you for allowing me to share.  Now I'd better get back to my blogging or I'll never finish it.  It seriously takes me a day and sometimes two to write a blog post... ridiculous... takes so much energy out of me, but also helps me so much, so it's a MUST DO to help settle my wayward mind!  Bye for now and lots of love ❤

​HOW LONELINESS IS A SECRET KILLER ~ https://balance.media/loneliness-effects/
 
Thank you for taking the time to read this long post today. I really do appreciate knowing that I’m not doing this life of mine alone.
 
~ Panayiota