Artwork - Robin Lee

I’VE WORKED SO HARD TO EARN TRUST
© all rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za

After hearing something many years ago
That stuck like a knife
“Being trusted is the highest honour once could ever attain”
In this world filled with judgement and personal gain
So, earning trust has been my lifelong, ultimate goal
And living without trust—a burning coal
How hard, the journey to gaining trust
Integrity is an absolute, inescapable MUST!
But the wounds of my past keep rearing up
In the minds of others—my bitter cruel cup
The pathology that makes me different
That sets me apart
Builds barriers to true friendship
And even repels Cupid’s dart
The world sees a need
Of protection from me
And so, I’ll never truly be free
I’ll never be free
Without full trust in who I am
I feel that my life is a worthless sham
But, no matter how untrustworthy
The world judges me to be
I know that my God has full trust in me
For, all through my life
I’ve felt the Strength of His Loving Hand
Lifting me up and helping me STAND.
While I cannot trust this world,
I can’t expect the world to trust me
So, I must go on alone
Until I’m finally set free.
 
~ Panayiota
(31 October 2019)
 
Romans 8:31 - King James Version (KJV)
31 What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?
 
After a big shock on the 31st, learning of a young friend from the past’s murder, and the terrible dilemma of not being able to comfort his family, because of a complete breakdown in relationship… I started to experience flashback emotions of that terrible time when the breakdown happened…

My emotions became totally conflicting… anger… pain… sorrow… wanting to reach out to comfort… frustration... EXTREME ANXIETY...  

But there was no way… a total barrier… a blockage… a hurt too big to contain… the anxiety became overwhelming… the conflict inside of me too huge...

And so, I reached out for help in the moment, because the depression and anger were too strong…

But I learned that some things cannot be shared… must not be discussed… that I am still very much on my own… stuck in the past with that painful time... 

In a fit of angry depression and cruel realization I wrote the poem above… the urge to hurt myself returned, but I managed to keep away from that…

All I know is that I must go on.  I quickly got over the whole flashback episode.  I had so much work to do that I didn’t have time for my own nonsense and refused to sink too deeply into it all…

Sometimes submitting to one’s weaker side is very tempting… self-pity calls for it… begs for it…

But I cannot allow it anymore… I have to fight my “WEAKER SELF!” I’ve come to far to let go again now! 

So… I’m holding onto whatever keeps me going…  my work… and whatever dregs of HOPE and FAITH remain still…

Even without joy and with a weakened hope and faith in life at times… I’m still moving forward…

​Thank you for sharing with me,

~ Panayiota

These two beautiful flower are actually a double flower deformity on one single stem.  

As a young child, I absolutely loved the natural deformities that our dahlias so often made... they fascinated me, I guess, because I identified with their imperfections... and to this day, I still love to see a flower doing this, because I still see them as wonderfully and uniquely beautiful just as they are.  

This article below, on complex relational trauma came through to me via (The Mighty) e-mail today and I identified so strongly with it that I felt to share it. 
​
https://themighty.com/2019/09/complex-trauma-relationships-what-to-know/?utm_source=newsletter_mental_health&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=newsletter_mental_health_2019-10-09&$deep_link=true

Annie Wright, LMFT
September 29, 2019

The Trauma Disorder You May Not Have Heard About
(WARNING)

EDITOR'S NOTE
If you’ve experienced sexual abuse, sexual assault, domestic violence or emotional abuse, the following post could be potentially triggering.

“There is no growth without real feeling. Children not loved for who they are do not learn how to love themselves. Their growth is an exercise in pleasing others, not in expanding through experience. As adults, they must learn to nurture their own lost child.” -- Marion Woodman.

Last year, I wrote an article about child abuse, specifically dispelling the notion that child abuse is “just” physical in nature.

I wrote about how child abuse can also look emotional, psychological, verbal and/or neglectful in nature and provided examples of what this can look like.

In today’s post, I want to introduce an idea of what can result from the complexity of this child abuse, particularly if the abuse takes place over a period of time and in the context of a relationship with a parent or guardian.

This idea is called complex relational trauma and it can be deeply impactful to children and the adults they become. I want to provide a brief overview of what complex relational trauma is, how it happens, what the symptoms and impacts of this may be, and share a curated list of resources you may want to explore further if you identify with complex relational trauma.

What is complex relational trauma?

“Unlike other forms of psychological disorders, the core issue in trauma is reality.” ― Bessel A. van der Kolk.

First, let me be clear that complex relational trauma is not an official diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (the DSM, the clinical guidebook of the mental health community).

Complex relational trauma and its attendant symptoms do, however, most closely resemble post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) which is in the DSM.

However, complex relational trauma could and sometimes is also interchanged with terms and descriptions such as complex PTSD, developmental trauma and interpersonal trauma.

So, why is complex relational trauma not in the DSM?
There are likely many explanations but one I personally and professionally believe is that the DSM — while valuable — sometimes fails to take into account our full spectrum of humanity and complicated relational experiences and, thus, lacks in some ways.

So, for the sake of this article, I’ll use the term complex relational trauma, explain it anecdotally (since an official diagnosis is lacking) and provide the symptoms that most closely resemble PTSD as well as what I’ve seen and understood clinically.

So again, what is complex relational trauma?
Complex relational trauma is likely to happen in our primary relationships with parents, caregivers, guardians or those with authority and great control over us (for example, the head of a boarding school or director of an orphanage) where there is accessibility to the child or teen, and a level of dependency from the victim to the abuser.

Complex relational trauma happens more than once and usually over a period of time, making it also, usually, cumulative.

For example, complex relational trauma doesn’t have to end in childhood; there can be the same or different perpetrators such as going from having your father be the abuser to having a string of abusive relationships with men.

Complex relational trauma is, effectively, anything that undermines, demeans or erodes the dignity, safety and well-being of the individual who goes through it.

Examples of events that can lead to complex relational trauma can include the scenarios from my prior article and it can also include experiences with caregivers or guardians that are fundamentally chaotic, unstable, unsafe, inconsistent, unpredictable and overwhelming.

Exposure to domestic violence, having neglectful, apathetic, or emotionally unavailable caretakers, parents who betray you or fail to advocate for you and your needs, parents with mental illness, being parented by a narcissist or with addictions, etc. All of these are examples of who and what can contribute to the development of complex relational trauma in a child and adult.

But what makes these relational experiences traumatic?
The bottom line is this: when children experience traumas and stress, it is not necessarily the trauma itself that becomes the problem. If a child has securely attached, attuned, loving, consistent caregivers who can support them in metabolizing the stress, organizing and making sense of it, the child can more or less move through a trauma or stressor functionally.

However, if the trauma or stressor is happening within the attachment relationship with the parent or guardian, the child, therefore, cannot usually rely on the adult to help them integrate and process the stress.

Or if the trauma or stress happens outside of the attachment relationship but the caregiving adult still fails to support the child in managing, healing or recovering from it, a child will likely develop maladaptive and compensatory responses to organize their experience simply because, as children, they do not have the resources and coping skills to do much else.

Maladaptive responses are numerous and varied but essentially, if left unaddressed and untreated, they can lead the child to become an adult who has ineffective beliefs and behaviors about themselves, about others and about the world.

So, what specifically can these maladaptive beliefs and behaviors look like?

Impacts on the individual who goes through complex relational trauma.

“As the ACE study has shown, child abuse and neglect is the single most preventable cause of mental illness, the single most common cause of drug and alcohol abuse, and a significant contributor to leading causes of death such as diabetes, heart disease,  cancer, stroke and suicide.” ~ Bessel A. van der Kolk.

The impacts of complex relational trauma will be wide, varied and unique to the individual who experiences it.

There is no one-size-fits-all description.
It’s absolutely possible that two children, growing up in the same household where the relational trauma took place, will have wildly different responses due to many factors including but not limited to the child’s temperament and resources, length and intensity of exposure to the trauma, the type of trauma and any if at all support in managing it, etc.

So, all of this to say that while there is no one recipe for what the impacts of complex relational trauma may be on an individual, there is, according to the symptoms in the DSM diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and what I have experienced and understood clinically, a list of possible and probable outcomes:

1. Attachment wounds and development of an attachment style that is other than secure (see my forthcoming blog post for more on this);

2. Cognitive distortions (erroneous or non-constructive beliefs about self, others and the world) and/or intrusive thoughts;

3. Avoidance behaviors to minimize contact or recreation of the events or scenarios that caused the distress;

4. Dissociation, an inability to recall the traumas or to stay mentally present when reflecting on and discussing them;

5. Somatic impacts such a hyperaroused nervous system, muscle tightness, trouble sleeping or other uncomfortable body sensations;

6. Interpersonal difficulties in romantic relationships, at work, with friends, with neighbors, with the family of origin, feeling detached and separate from others;

7. Comorbid (meaning co-occurring) disorders such as eating disorders, substance disorders, compulsive behavioral patterns, self-harming behaviors, possible development of a personality disorder or mood disorder;

8. Emotional distress and dysregulation challenges (either too much access or too little access to emotion and difficulties appropriately expressing this emotion);

9. Life task impairments such as holding down a job, creating stable housing, managing money well, achieving relational, academic and professional developmental milestones, etc.

And while this list is not exhaustive, you can see that the impacts of complex relational trauma effectively can impair nearly every major life area.

Often, this is how life for a complex relational trauma survivor feels: fragmented, broken, splintered and not whole across so many different life areas…

Now, as challenging as it can be to begin recovering from a childhood of complex relational trauma, I do personally and professionally think it is possible and that it is one of the most worthwhile journeys anyone could ever make.

In essence, it’s a journey to reclaim your life, to take the little fragments and make something beautiful and more whole from them.

Healing from complex relational trauma.

“As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself… The critical issue is allowing yourself to know what you know. That takes an enormous amount of courage.” ― Bessel A. van der Kolk.

For individuals dealing with complex relational trauma and the clinicians who work with them, it can, quite frankly, sometimes be hard to identify and understand that what you are dealing with is a trauma history.

So many of the clustered symptoms of complex relational trauma overlap with mood and personality disorders and may even be missed if a comorbid disorder (like bulimia nervosa or panic disorder) exists, or if a trauma background is not identified by either party.

It’s important if you think that you see yourself in this article or in this concept of complex relational trauma, to talk to your therapist about it.

When we shine a light on things as they really are, it gives us a better chance to work with them. That is because in recovering from complex relational trauma, there is plenty of work to be done.

Recovery is and will be, for many, multidimensional work as the wounding itself is multidimensional.

There’s the relational wounding component and the need for relational healing which, I believe, can happen in the context of a safe, supportive, attuned and reparative experience with a trained professional (like a therapist) or with a dear friend or securely attached romantic partner.

There is the somatic level of the work, the need to regulate and retrain the nervous system and body that the world is safe and to help it calm down and respond appropriately versus in default.

There is the cognitive level of the work which includes recalling, narrating, and making meaning and sense of memories and history as well as forming and internalizing newer, more constructive beliefs about oneself, others, and the world.

There is the emotional level of the work, learning or relearning emotional regulation, emotional expression, even being able to identify emotions in the body.

And there is, I believe, life skills work that may have been missed or impeded by the complexity of the relational trauma. Work like managing money wisely, seeking out and nurturing a career, practicing self-supporting hygiene and personal care habits, and learning the myriad complex logistical skills that can lead to a whole and fulfilled life.

The best way, I truly believe, to begin recovering from complex relational trauma is to seek out professional support, ideally with a clinician who is well-versed in trauma.

I also believe that psychoeducation can be a wonderful and helpful tool in the recovery process and so, to that end, I have included some curated resources for you below.

Resources on complex relational trauma:

“First, the physiological symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder have been brought within manageable limits. Second, the person is able to bear the feelings associated with traumatic memories. Third, the person has authority over her memories; she can elect both to remember the trauma and to put memory aside. Fourth, the memory of the traumatic event is a coherent narrative, linked with feeling. Fifth, the person’s damaged self-esteem has been restored. Sixth, the person’s important relationships have been reestablished. Seventh and finally, the person has reconstructed a coherent system of meaning and belief that encompasses the story of trauma.” ― Judith Lewis Herman.

I want to thank my friend Carol Anna McBride, creator of The Trauma Project, for her recommendations of resources to further explore the topic of complex relational trauma. I will add, too, that The Trauma Project itself is an excellent resource for anyone who has undergone complex relational trauma and is seeking education, support and community around it.

• Treatment of Complex Trauma: A Sequenced, Relationship-Based Approach by Christine Courtois and Julian Ford.
• Journey Through Trauma: A Trail Guide to the 5-Phase Cycle of Healing Repeated Trauma by Gretchen Schmelzer, Ph.D.
• The Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach to Regaining Emotional Control and Becoming Whole by Arielle Schwartz, Ph.D.
• The Body Keeps Score: Brain, Mind, And Body In The Healing Of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk.

Other articles of mine that may complement this one in your recovery from complex relational trauma:

• Dispelling myth of child abuse.
• How to recover from growing up with a narcissistic parent.
• The playing field wasn’t level to begin with: on childhood trauma and the fruitless comparison game.
• The power of being the black sheep in your family.
• What does it mean to remother yourself and why is it so critical for our growth as women?
• The five healing tasks of the un- and under-parented.
• Yes, sweetheart. You do actually get to grieve this.

Moving forward.
“She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful.” — Terri St. Cloud.

I include the above quote often in my writing often because, fundamentally, this describes my orientation and belief about therapy and therapeutic work.

Our past is not something we “just get over,” nor is it something we can ignore.

Our past is something which, when ready and with support, we turn towards and face, and only then can we do the grieving and healing work we need to do in order to move forward and make the whole of our lives more beautiful than our pasts have been.

Confronting our personal history takes tremendous courage, but it is so, so worth it. 

Now I would love to hear from you in the comments below: Have you heard of the term “complex relational trauma” before? Do you see yourself in this? What or who has been a support to you in your healing journey in recovering from complex relational trauma? Leave a message in the comments below so our community of readers can benefit from your wisdom.

And until next time, take very good care of yourself.

Warmly,
Annie.

I chose this picture, as blurred as it is, because that’s how I remember our childhood… a blur… but one where the love between two little sisters kept us alive through the worst of horrors.
 
Recently, one of my colleagues shared Bet Milder’s song on our Logotherapy Supervision WahtsApp page and it reminded me of how often my little sister ends off her letters to me, “You remain the wind beneath my wings” … I feel so honoured by those words from her heart on her messages, especially for me.  How very special and what a blessing she is to me. 
 
Highlighted during my therapy journey, was how often I’d take on the punishments for my sister in my desperate attempts to protect her… I’m sure there were times when she did her best to protect me also… I can think of at least one incident where she protected me, and we did this, because we loved each other so much.  But for her to attribute Bett’s song to me, is something very beautiful, sacred and affirming to my soul, because… someone KNOWS… and who knows better than my own little sister, only 11 months younger than myself.  I often tell her that she is the very air that I breathe… it is her presence in my life (even though on opposite sides of the world) that keeps me going.  I’m not sure I could do the living in this world thing without her being such an integral part of my life.
 
This is my favourite video version of the song where those words come from.  I love this version, because I identify so much with the two little girls in the video as my little sister and I… her the blond child and me the brunet.  She was always the lively one and I the quiet, reserved child always distant in my own little world where her presence became my “oxygen for living”… it was as though she was living on my behalf.  So much about this video reminds me of us sisters.
 
Bette Midler - Wind Beneath My Wings (Official Music Video)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0iAzMRKFX3c
 
I have to say though, that this particular vocal version of Bet’s below is absolutely beautiful.  There is so much passion in her voice… I love listening to this one and I love watching the other one. 
Bette Midler - Wind Beneath My Wings - Yankee Stadium 2001
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NXYNvqp_pM
September 11 New York City
 
Lyrics ~ Wind Beneath My Wings
Bette Midler
 
Ohhhh, oh, oh, oh, ohhh.
It must have been cold there in my shadow,
To never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.
So I was the one with all the glory,
While you were the one with all the strength.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.
Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
For you are the wind beneath my wings.
Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything, everything I wish I could be.
Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,
For you are the wind beneath my wings,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.
Oh, the wind beneath my wings.
You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.
Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
So high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you,
Thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.
 
Songwriters:  Jeff Silbar / Larry Henley / Larry J. Henley
Wind Beneath My Wings lyrics © Warner Chappell Music, Inc, BMG Rights Management
 
Source: LyricFind
https://www.google.com/search?q=Lyrics+-+Bette+Milder+-+You+are+the+wind&rlz=1C1EJFA_enZA794ZA795&oq=Lyrics+-+Bette+Milder+-+You+are+the+wind&aqs=chrome..69i57.29198j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

Added to this blog post on the 2nd October… a conversation I had with my sister via WhatsApp on the 28th September.  I wanted to post this the same day I wrote this blog but finished so late in the evening and so tired I actually forgot about my WhatsApp addition. 
 
On the 27 September, my sister let me know that I now had a new great-niece, born that day.  I was so happy to hear the good news and wished I could have been there to celebrate with her.  We were chatting about our grandchildren and she was a little confused about which of mine came first…
 
My sister
I always thought E was your first grandchild
 
Me
Nope… J was first.  I first heard he was coming the year I started intensive therapy when he was only the size of the grain of rice.  Knowing he was coming helped me to get through the horrible months of flashbacks, etc.  So I always tell him, he saved my life that year, because it was a very hard year for me.  Just as you also did when we were children (and today still) … I believe that I already wanted to die from when I was a little girl, but I lived to protect you (huge sense of responsibility for you) and at the same time, your funny animated, positive and lively character is what protected me and kept me going, even to this day.
 
Sister
I think we held each other up throughout life, “never give up” is a motto we lived by and we just don’t want to disappoint one another until the Lord calls us home.
 
Me
Very true… but I’m not sure I could live on if you went first.  Living far apart has been painful enough… I have to go first… then I can be near you again (in spirit) and protect you still. Crying just texting this… it’s really that bad for me… intense sadness… so can’t go there.  I’m just happy your still in my world… I don’t think I could do life without knowing that… We went through too much together… you were and still are literally the air (oxygen) for my living.
 
Sister
I hear you, we both live lonely lives.  I can be surrounded by people, but don’t connect with the heart, and if I do, we are separated by miles or bad timing.  It just is.  I get you.  I don’t need protecting anymore… The Lord stepped in the gap between us and we hold onto each other through His power and His might.  He is the strength we carry; His strength allows us to step into each day and know that we can do it… time and space cannot separate our hearts or our deep love for one another.  No brag… just fact!!!
 
Me
Oh, your words are so beautiful to me.  I love you with all my heart.  I am forever grateful for you.

Thank you for sharing my sister’s beautiful, strengthening and affirming words with me,
 
~ Panayiota.

​Lunch outing
 
What has also kept me busy, is that my youngest son and I agreed that a certain portion of his inheritance would go towards home improvements and just spoiling ourselves for a change.  We’ve struggled financially for as long as we can remember, so having a little bit of financial freedom for a short while feels so good.  I think that people who live with financial freedom all the time might get too used to it… take it for granted… or still want more of it and never really be satisfied with what they already have.
 
I once wrote
ENDLESS STRUGGLE
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I’m so tired of being poor
Is anyone tired of being rich
I won’t hesitate at this time
To make a happy switch
 
This struggle seems so endless
This trial so hard to bear
Will I ever know the joy
Of having much to spare
 
I’ve learnt so many values
I cherish little things
I have an abundance of love to give
But my happiness now needs wings
 
Please spare a little thought
For those less fortunate than you
For someday you may know
This endless struggle too
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(21st April 1995 – Wishful Thinking!)
 
One of the first things we did, was to buy ourselves a good cellphone each… I was surprised at how expensive even the lower range phones are these days.  Just after I announced that we had new phones, someone very kindly added quite a large amount of airtime money on my personal phone number… I have two sim cards in my new phone which is fantastic… personal and work.  I still don’t know who added the airtime, but I really want to thank them with all my heart for their kind generosity.  When I lived in my old home, someone there topped up the airtime on my phone for months on end… Oh how I’d love to know the person who has been so kind then and now again… are they the same person or two different people… THANK YOU… whoever you are… Thank you with all my heart.

On the same day we bought the phones, we treated ourselves to lunch at a Spur Steak Ranch restaurant.  Something we would very rarely do.  In fact, I can’t even remember the last time we treated ourselves to a restaurant meal.  They are so expensive, but we allowed ourselves this one time and loved it so much!  The photo of me above, was one my youngest son took at the restaurant.
 
We also paid for our bathroom makeover, which my son in law and daughter organized for us and oversaw the choice and work on it, for which we are very grateful… it’s absolutely beautiful!  We let them choose everything for us and they chose so well.  If I had have chosen, I think my inner child, Patty would have gotten a bit carried away and I would have ended up with gaudy colours, glitter and Christmas lights in there… hahahaaa!  And one more dream that has come true was for more cupboard space.  We managed to purchase two beautiful white cupboards that were selling on special at our local hardware store.  They have freed us so much space and chaos in this house.  I was able to take a huge shelf out of my hanging cupboard space and spread my tightly compacted clothes out so that it’s easier to find what I’m looking for.  With everything in its right place and cleaned up surface areas, I feel I can breathe and think better!  The spring cleaning is still in process, but it’s nearly all completed now.  I found that the more I moved stuff around, the more work I created for myself… so it’s been a huge job… but with wonderful results!
 
27th September, the workers came to install irrigation in my little yard as well as the two Jojo water tanks we had purchased.  One for the back yard and one for the front.  Shem made the concrete bases for them a few days ago in preparation for their installation.  He did a great job.  Having the Jojo’s and irrigation installed ended up costing us a whole lot more than we had planned to spend… literally three times as much, so that’s a big worry, but too late now.  There is so much more we wanted to do, but very little spending money left.  We still hope to have a gate put into our back wall, so that we can access the interior of our complex where my son’s car (inherited from his dad) is parked when not in use… so, the gate is the next thing we are hoping will be fixed soon.  I don’t think there will be enough money left after that to have a motor put on our front gate… security on our front wall and locks on certain exterior doors and gates that still need better securing.  I’m hoping we can get at least the wall security spikes done… hopefully we can find second-hand spikes somewhere.  I also desperately needed to get a granite slab for my kitchen Zinc which is currently made of boxwood and is falling apart with all the moisture… it’s disgusting!  There was the raised (to catch more sunlight) front garden wall bed I also really wanted to make, but that’s for now on the bottom of our dream list, I don’t think that one is ever going to happen in my lifetime… It would have given us extra planting space for fruit and vegetables.
 
And the last thing that I’d still LOVE more than anything to have done, is to have the UGLY loose skin on my abdomen removed… but that one is for me only and for the part of my personal and forever ongoing, and never dying dream of finding True Love one day… so it’s not as important as all the rest of the dreams that would benefit both my youngest son and I who live here, and I would NEVER spend my son’s inheritance on that, so would still need to rely on a donation of around R20 000 for it to be done at a government training hospital.  I’m not going to give up hoping for it… it might seem like a selfish dream, but it is an important part of MY DREAM FOR TRUE LOVE… and I’ve come so far in life, why should I not still have such dreams, even in my 60’s?  Who is going to want me with this UGLY loose skin flap hanging down from my abdomen (and elsewhere)?!  Maybe winning the lottery is still a possibility… hahaa!  Whatever happens, I will NOT give up on this dream!
 
But gratefully, we’ve so far been able to upgrade our standard of living so much with what we have done up till now and it’s a beautiful thing after years of going without and living in disintegrating places where things just seemed to be falling apart around us.  ENOUGH ALREADY!
 
28 September, After having the workers here all day yesterday (invading our space), I was so disappointed that after paying so much for their work, that they did not add filters to our water tanks as we had discussed before they started the job… and that only just before they left at the end of the day, they mentioned that the irrigation nozzles could get blocked by debris coming from the captured rain water inside the tanks. 
 
By Saturday evening, due to the stress of the worker invasion on Friday and my disappointment, I felt as though I was going to have a breakdown.  Every nerve in my body was on edge… I felt nauseous, exhausted beyond anything I’d felt in a very long time and really very ill by the time I went to bed.  I worried that I might die in the night… my heart didn’t feel like it was working well… my breathing was also too shallow… not enough oxygen!
 
It seems that even when GOOD things are happening… like my longstanding dream of water storage coming true at last… somehow my psyche can’t take it all in at once.  It’s too overwhelming… even if it was all done perfectly, I’m sure I would have still reacted the same.  It’s like I struggle as much with receiving GOOD as I do with living with the expected BAD!  Life in general seems to be all too much for me most times!
 
29 September, I woke after only 5 hours sleep… during the early hours, I had a dilemma that I was trying to work a solution for.  I now realise that more money will need to be spent, to now divert the irrigation to our municipal water tap where it should have been in the first place so that the rain tank water would only fed through a hose… not through the irrigation system.  I felt so disturbed by this… already disturbed that we had to spend so much just to have the tanks installed… more than we paid for the actual tanks which were on special!  The irrigation will help so much with freeing up a large chunk of my time and stress… I could rather spend the time I would have been watering, by going out to weed the garden instead.  The weeds come up so quick and I don’t have time for both… I don’t even have enough time to rest anymore.  I really dreamed of that irrigation… I must now spend even more money to make it work for us.  That is so upsetting!    I already have to pay our handyman to rig up the outdoor plugs so that the water pumps can work.  We bought the plugs and their outdoor protective housing already.
 
And yes… I am obviously still a walkover… still trying to keep the peace… still a flipping people pleaser!!!!!  I couldn’t fight with the people about the filters I’d discussed with them before they started the job or the cages we had discussed for them to put around the pumps to prevent theft! 
​
By the end of a whole day with them here, I couldn’t wait for them to leave… I just wanted my safe space back again, so I let them go without complaining about what HADN’T been done… HUMPH!!! 
 
DON’T WORRY… I’M KICKING MYSELF ENOUGH ABOUT IT ALREADY!!!
 
I could not go to church today… still feeling “highly strung… and exhausted”… had an hours nap while my youngest son went to church.  Woke after an hour due to a nightmare and very full bladder!  Flipping bladder… I would get a lot more sleep if it wasn’t for that! 
 
I’m still so tired… so-so-so darned tired.

OUR WONDERFUL BATHROOM MAKEOVER ABOVE.

BEAUTIFUL NEW CUPBOARDS... what a marvelous difference they have made to my whole house!

WATER STORAGE AT LAST... What a wonderful blessing ♥

We might need a donation to get a granite slab for the sink... but I will update you all when we've seen what happens with our remaining spending money.

OUR BEAUTIFUL, PRODUCTIVE LITTLE VEGETABLE GARDEN.

FLOWERS IN OUR SPRING GARDEN AT THIS TIME

Thank you for sharing our wonderful blessings with us.

~ Panayiota.

​So much to share again… nothing new about that... I always aim to keep it short, but just sooo much to share, make sense of, gain perspective over and set free).  I will try to split my sharing up a bit more to make separate shorter blog posts.
 
A song and a message from Heaven
The night that Mrs. Poppy Peanut went to Heaven, a song got stuck in my head and it stayed there for days.  I  don’t remember mentioning it in the previous post, because I just couldn’t work out the meaning of it and what message it was trying to send to me, but I think I know what it means now since I was able to find the lyrics to the song after a dear friend helped me to work out what the name of the song was that was and where to find it, so I’d like to share.
 
Brightly Beams Our Father’s Mercy:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KchNq0M9N1k
 
Lyrics
1. Brightly beams our Father’s mercy
From his lighthouse evermore,
But to us he gives the keeping
Of the lights along the shore.
 
Let the lower lights be burning;
Send a gleam across the wave.
Some poor fainting, struggling seaman
You may rescue, you may save.
 
2. Dark the night of sin has settled;
Loud the angry billows roar.
Eager eyes are watching, longing,
For the lights along the shore.
 
Let the lower lights be burning;
Send a gleam across the wave.
Some poor fainting, struggling seaman
You may rescue, you may save.
 
3. Trim your feeble lamp, my brother;
Some poor sailor, tempest-tossed,
Trying now to make the harbor,
In the darkness may be lost.
 
Let the lower lights be burning;
Send a gleam across the wave.
Some poor fainting, struggling seaman
You may rescue, you may save.
 
"Brightly Beams Our Fathers Mercy" Words and Music written by Phillip Paul Bliss, 1838-1876
Sung by Dan Ellison, Spencer Ellison, Steven Jensen and Trevor Nielsen.
Audio & Video recorded/edited by James Case
 
“Brethren, the Master will take care of the great light-house: let us keep the lower lights burning!” ~ D. L. Moody. (http://home.uchicago.edu/~coleman/public_html/lowerlights.html)
 
I believe that Heaven knew that like others times of extreme stress and hurts, I was crashing into the rocks of a stormy sea on the night I lost my dearest friend and companion, Mrs Poppy Peanut… My son was housesitting that very night and the one after… I was entirely alone in my agony of loss when that song came into my head and got stuck there, going around and around relentlessly.  I believe now that this song was calling me to keep my light burning while at the same time, Heavenly Father was reassuring me that He was watching over me, keeping the Greater Light burning on my behalf.  I was not alone facing the storm of my loss.  The words of the song we’re calling to me to keep my light burning whilst here in this world where I so often don’t want to be.  It was a reminder to me, that I still have a purpose that I need to live on for, to fulfill… and that my calling is to be here for others to LOVE and share with, and also to in my own way, help guide them safely through their own storms, and that no matter how sad or alone I might have been feeling, that I am here for a purpose…. for the sake of others.
 
I once wrote:
 
SHARE A LOVING HEART
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Loving hearts are lonely hearts,
If loving hearts don’t share.
Loving hearts are sad hearts,
If loving hearts don’t care.
 
If love was meant for lonely hearts,
Then why can’t I find any?
If love was meant for sad hearts,
Then why is mine so empty?
 
Perhaps there’s none for loving hearts,
Because loving hearts have plenty.
Loving hearts should share their love,
Then perhaps they won’t be so empty.
 
I know I have a loving heart,
But so often I feel bad.
I need to share my loving heart,
With someone who is sad.
 
I need to lift their spirit up,
And make them feel so good.
And let my heart be filled with joy…
Yes – I know I should!
 
~ Panayiota
(July 1992)

​On the 17th September, I went out to water the garden.  I noticed a big yellow and black butterfly dancing around my lemon tree again… how beautiful I thought, and as I thought it, the butterfly flew straight over to me and flew around me about three times then flew over the wall.  It was while it was flying around me, I imagine that my Patty-self, surfaced and I felt so blessed and so happy for that magical moment in time… I giggled with delight!  Overwhelmed by an absolute feeling of being loved and watched over. 

​Almost immediately after the yellow butterfly disappeared over the wall, a hummingbird flew over to shower under the spray of the water hose I was holding in my hand while I was watering the vegetables.  I could not believe that a hummingbird of all birds had come into my yard and was now thoroughly enjoying a bath here… how wonderful I thought to myself!  I just stood there, as still as I could and enjoyed every beautiful moment of its presence.  It was tiny, almost black and had a curved beak.  It flew in and out of the spray onto my vegetables, then up onto the washing line to shake off a bit before flying through the spray again… it was so lovely to see and to be in the presence of such magic!  Again, I took it as a sign sent especially for me… why not… why not totally embrace such moments in life for all that they are worth and why not see their worth in all their glory… why not imagine that I am so loved and so gifted each and every day of my life by some caring force that is not interested in the miseries of this world that is mine, but rather a force that sees me as someone worthy to be loved and attended to with care… a force that stands up for me… with me… and is there for me always, just as I believe is also available for every living person who ever was, who is today and will someday be.  These wonderful daily Miracles are available to us all… we just need to open our eyes, our ears and our hearts to receiving them, appreciating them and express our sincere gratitude for them always, without hesitation.

There was greatly added stress over this time, with my youngest son losing his job at the end of August, because the business was not making enough money, so they got rid of half their workers overnight… HUMPH!... and that with the depression over the loss of Mrs. Poppy Peanut’s presence in my life still lingering… some days have been far worse than others for me.  I’ve been keeping myself as busy as possible… spring cleaning and moving furniture, planting for summer, etc., and this has kept me going. 
 
A few days ago, my eldest son and I were in a WhatsApp conversation… he wrote
“One thing I have learned, although it may not help on the moment, is that we always have what we need when we need it.  A… will get work again soon.
 
I responded
“It is so true… I’ve learned that too.  Just when I need him (my youngest son) most to be here, he is.  So, what could look like a curse is so often actually a great blessing in disguise.  We just have to open our eyes to the magic of possibilities and spiritual facts leaning in our favour… we are never abandoned.
 
(At this time, we have workers [strangers] invading our space during home improvements and that is always very disturbing and unsettling for me… I don’t do well with having my safe space invaded, so having my youngest son here has been very helpful)
 
Then my oldest son added
“The world complains that Miracles don’t happen anymore, but they are completely and utterly wrong.  Miracles happen every moment, but much of the world can’t see them anymore because they are no longer grateful.  When I learned to be grateful in the good, the bad and the ugly, I saw that everything is a Miracle… Patience and gratitude are the ways to partake in Miracles, because you won’t see the Miracle until it’s done.”
 
I added
YES! YES! YES!  Although, we can see them also as they are happening, like Poppy’s blue butterfly.  I see and experience Miracles daily… I truly do.
 
My son responded
Yes, we can see that they’re happening if our eyes and hearts are open to them.
 
I loved that conversation with my son.  It’s not often that I can have a conversation with someone who thinks so deply in much the same way as I do.
 
24th September was Heritage Day here in South Africa, I went to visit my daughter and her two dogs and while I was talking to the one little dog, Abby, I called her Poppy by mistake… instant heartsore as tears welled up in my eyes… the next day I visited my sister and was petting her little dog, Sally and again called her Poppy by mistake and had to fight back the deep and overwhelming sadness once again… I think it will be a while before I can learn to live comfortably without my sweet Poppy.  While I was at my daughter’s, she asked if I’d be interested in fostering puppies until they could go into good homes… instant tears again… so, it is clear, that I can’t even talk DOG at this time… I’m still hurting too much and trying to hide my pain in working myself to a standstill. 
 
Thank you for sharing with me.

​~ Panayiota

The day after Mrs. Poppy Peanut went to her Heavenly sleep, I wrote on Facebook
 
Wednesday, August 28 at 19h29
Chatting to a friend on WhatsApp just now I wrote: "My life is a lonely one lived through my computer… Mrs. Poppy Peanut was a constant presence here in my home… she was my unconditional love and dear friend… I miss her terribly already. But Life has kept me unusually crazy busy today, so I’ve not had a chance to grieve her passing… I’ve had to keep going with my office work, no matter what… I would have preferred to curl up in my bed and cry all day long, but Life knows best and I follow… like I have no option… tearful and exhausted…"
 
Threatening news – a dark cloud developed over all that we’re already facing
My youngest son’s job is threatened, because they are not making enough money where he is working, so I’ve been trying to find his certificates and work experience records all day also and I just can’t find them anywhere… the boss wants certificates, updated CV and all by Friday… He sent a form with questions on it… one asking if he is prepared to take a lower salary… we never responded to that… how on earth are we supposed to work with less?
 
I also need to help my sister’s helper’s daughter, Violet, with her school project. She doesn’t have a computer and needs some research done… EEEK… I’ve not found time to do a thing yet to help her, so still at the computer (late pm) and hoping to get some of that done before I switch off… too much stress right now. 
 
I also have a dream interpretation waiting to be done for a dear friend… I don’t have the time or energy to face it… I have to get into “the zone” to do those… I’m struggling too much to reach that place… I’m letting her down… it’s adding to my unhappiness…
 
I’m needing BIG TIME prayers please.
 
I even feel like I have a little chest infection developing... slightly itchy, burning bronchi... but so far today, it’s not getting any worse thankfully.
 
❤ Thanks to you all for all the love... you truly have helped me through a very tough time yet again ❤
 
Some of my Facebook friends’ responses:
 
Brie: I'm putting you on Mt. Timpanogos temple prayer roll as well as we'll pray every day for you Auntie. Sending love and hugs! ❤❤❤
 
Izaak: Oh Panny, so sorry about Mrs Poppy Peanut. As a fellow dog lover and someone who lost their little fur baby as well a few months back, I know the hurt you are experiencing with her loss. Then you have all these other issues to contend with. May Mrs. Poppy Peanut fly forever free, wagging her little tail on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge! May the love and beautiful memories she gave you whilst sharing her Earth experience with you, comfort you at this time. Sending you love and big hugs!
 
Izaak added:

I responded to Izaak: I know it's true dearest friend... I will see her and all my other pets and friends and family again someday. The receptionist at the Vet’s gave me a whole lot of stuff like this to read to help me through the grieving, but I have not had the courage to look at it... I did read this one though and of course... blubbing again! If anyone understands this pain, I know for sure you do. I love you so much.
 
I know for sure that Poppy must be so happy to be with her other friends again, Woody and Mr. Dudley Peanut... When I stop to imagine her JOY and being free of her pains and sufferings, my own pain lifts a little and I am left with the hope and belief that I will see her and them all again someday
 
Thursday, 29 August at 09h02
Last night I just felt so unsettled... totally alone in this house for two nights since Poppy left us, (nobody’s shoulder to lean on during my time of grief) while my youngest son has been house/dog sitting for my second son and family. Strangely I was not afraid to be so alone... I was just so cut off that it was as if I just didn't even care... but still couldn't get to bed early... like... I had nobody to tuck in or say goodnight to! HUMPH!
 
The big space next to my bed was eerily empty where Poppy used to be at night, on her big pillow wrapped up in her blanket … I felt perplexed and uncomfortable without her there.  At night when I used to wake up for the bathroom, I’d always check on her to see that she was covered and warm… I can’t do that anymore… there’s NOTHING there… just a big empty space in my room and a hole in my soul in the shape of my Poppy…
 
Took 1/4 sleeping pill again and finally fell asleep around 23h30... woke at around 06h30, so I got enough sleep! No usual sounds here to wake me up... nobody to feel responsible for... not even me!
 
Still so sad and crying on and off, so I invited a helper and Shem to come work here today, because I knew I needed company and distraction from my own emotions to get past this...
 
When the helper arrived, I was a bucket of tears... just so relieved to see someone... but she basically told me to get over myself and get on with life... and so I did! 
 
My tears can only be shared with those who would understand the depth of them.  My mother used to beat us and beat us and beat us, whilst screaming abuses at us, until we STOPPED crying… (“You want something to cry about!  I’ll give you something to cry about!” BANG! BANG! BANG!) We learned to shut off our crying voices… to cry on the inside only!  Tears would still overflow, but if you didn’t see the tears, you wouldn’t know we were still crying… we even learned how to hold our SOBS! … to hold our breathing!
 
The helper managed to trigger that side of me… the beaten Patty side of me.  In an instant, all the outward crying was sucked down that dark porthole of the past, back into the suffocating captivity of my mother’s abuse… INSTANTLY… no more crying… dissociating into that safe place to satisfy mother… just to stop her beating me! 
 
I let her win again!
 
The helper wasn't being nasty... she was being nurturing in her own way, so it's okay.  I knew she was just doing her best from her (? hardened) perspective on life and grieving, etc. 
 
I literally shut  my tears off instantly and stood in front of the fish tank staring blankly at the fish… she came up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder… “Look at your fish” she said, “You still have those and your garden outside”… Of course, she was right about that.  I love my garden especially.
 
BUT I ALSO NEEDED TO GRIEVE!
 
Shem should come soon, and my youngest son also, because my daughter in law is back from her business trip now, so I should get through today okay and will have my youngest son here tonight to say goodnight to... things should get better now…
 
Sharing with my Facebook friends, I continued…
In tears, I just took Mrs. Poppy Peanut's bowl, mattress and all her left-over tinned food and crunkles to the dustbin raider, Winston, for his Alsatian dog, Seuntjie (little boy, in Afrikaans). Man I love that dog; he and Winston are both so gentle natured... Winston looks like a little bushman. Seuntjie accompanies him on his dustbin raiding days and he's such a chilled out, friendly dog... of course, he ran up to me for his usual loving petting and I burst into tears, thinking that he would not see Poppy again on their Thursday visits to our street. I think she enjoyed the encounter, although she'd never have admitted it if she could speak!
 
Thank you to all my dear friends, who I feel safe and comfortable enough to share my tears freely with... thank you for not giving up on me when I do... I love you all so much 💖
 
I once wrote:
 
The Bin-Raider
© All rights reserved
 
Yes!
I dig through your garbage
So I can survive
To keep my family and I alive.
I dig through ‘your’ rubbish
To find ‘our’ treasures
I dig through your gunk
To make use of your junk.
I do what I must
Cos my bank is bust
There are holes in my pockets
And air in my wallet.
Jobs are scarce
I do not have skills
There’s no money to pay
Our monthly bills.
So I fill up my trolley
With what you throw away
That my family and I live
To see a new day.
 
~ Panayiota
(05 December 2013)
 
Hermè: I know I am not the only friend of yours who has cried with you in the past and who has cried over Mrs. Poppy Peanut and your grieving for her now... We are here for you.
I am touched by the story of Winston and Seuntjie, and the poem. I hate that people are homeless or out on the streets having to do this to survive, but it is heartwarming that these two souls are there for each other, helping each other through a difficult life. So often a dog makes all the difference. Hope your day will be blessed. Much love and big hugs
 
Panayiota: I love you dearest Hermè... I often feel guilty for dragging my friends into my sorrows... or for causing you tears too... sometimes I withdraw from FB for days when I feel that things are too negative to impose on you all anymore, than I have already... yet at the same time, I value your LOVE and your beautiful PRESENCE so much... That you would stay so close during times like this, even if it is hurting you too. There are some hurts that I just KNOW that I cannot bear alone, so I thank you with all my heart for bearing them with me... God bless you and my other dear and steadfast TRUE FRIENDS here always 💖 💖 💖
 
Mandy: Lots of love and hugs Panayiota 💖 Thank you for sharing Mrs. Poppy Peanut with us. Thank you for being real and relatable 💖 May angels attend you today X xxx
 
Debbie: I so love reading your posts, I am grateful Heavenly Father has allowed me to be part of your life
 
I found myself deep sighing a lot after Poppy went to her Heavenly sleep… as if my lungs were trying to remember how to breathe properly… that has happened before when I was moving home in 2012… for months I found myself deep sighing like that.  I researched it and found out that it has something to do with depression… can’t remember.  I do know that I breathe differently for days when I’m sad and depressed… I also found that I was experiencing heart palpitations (like a dull bubble-popping feeling in my chest) a lot for a few days after Poppy left me and I think that also has something to do with the poor breathing patterns that set in during sad times… maybe someone else has answers for me… I don’t have time to go research this now. 
 
I developed bronchitis also while Poppy was ill, and on the 29th, it was so bad, my tight, wheezing chest kept me awake!  It’s almost two weeks later now and although it’s getting better, my chest is still tight and I’m still having coughing spasms.  I hope it will heal soon.  My daughter brought me a humidifier to use and I bought myself some natural antibiotics… using Vicks also, etc.  Just doing my best to avoid doctors… but bronchitis makes me exhausted! 
 
I just want to sleep… I guess depression does that too!  During the day of the 29th, I also experienced a moment in time where the urge to hurt myself reared its ugly head again, but I kept myself busy… couldn’t concentrate on my work well… I felt very restless… I found myself doing a little work, then getting up and doing something else either in the house or in the garden… I had to keep dragging myself back to my work, because there was lots to do… I had to do it! 
 
Poppy and my daughter had the most beautiful and beloved relationship 

​“Mommy Poppy” staring adoringly at her human daughter.
 
On the day after Mrs. Poppy Peanut went to her Heavenly sleep, my daughter wrote on my Facebook page.
 
“I'm so proud of you for going with her. She must have felt so much love and safety with you there. I'm sure she is running around with Woody and Dudley now like a puppy again ❤️ I will miss her.”
 
Many years ago, when Mrs. Poppy Peanut and Mr. Dudley Peanut were learning about the birds and the bees, Poppy fell pregnant with two little puppies.  One a little short-haired brown girl named Bella who looked just like her daddy and went to live with a friend of ours, while the other was a beautiful long-haired dachshund with a mix of colours from both his mommy and daddy.  Chester Peanut was the most beautiful little dog ever, with so much character.

​Chester Peanut as a puppy and later when he grew up.  We loved him so much!
 
Heavily pregnant, Mrs. Poppy Peanut was sleeping in my daughters bed the night she went into labour.  My daughter woke up feeling wetness in her bed and reaised that Poppy was giving birth.  She lifted Poppy onto her bed on the floor, only to realise, she’d lifted at the same time, the little brand newborn puppy (Chester), still hanging from his chord.  My daughter called me and we were able to be together as Poppy sorted out Chester and then gave birth to Bella.  We believe that from that day, Poppy thought that my daughter was one of her puppies too… she had somehow imprinted on her during her birthing process in the bed. 
 
It was the most incredible thing to witness through all the years since, how much Poppy loved my daughter.  When they were together, Poppy would be all over her, nuzzling her and wanting to get as close as she possibly could.  We’d laugh at how much Poppy worked to “nurture” her relationship with my daughter… so much so, that I often said that she was my daughter’s, “other mother”… it was so beautiful to see how much she loved her… and of course, my daughter loved her very much also. 
 
I honoured and loved Poppy even more, for sharing the great love of my daughter with me, so there was that added sadness and sense of loss when she had to go… I knew that I’d miss her a lot more as a result. 
 
When we were forced to move home in 2012, we tried to find homes for all our dogs, because we did not have a new home yet to move into and believed that there was no way we could bring them with us to our new area.  It was the most agonizing time of my life… a seriously hard, lonely and traumatic journey!   
 
Sadly, our lovely Chester Peanut was the first to go, and on the last day in our old home, I’d still not found homes for our other three dogs… I was going to have to have them put down, but my second son phoned around quickly and by some Miracle, managed to find a wonderful kind family who said they’d take care of our dogs for us until we were settled and if possible, until we knew we would be able to have them back.  Tracy and Deryn and their family took care of them, for three  months… I will NEVER forget what they did for us, because we were finally able to find a home where our three remaining dogs were allowed to be with us and that on its own was truly a Miracle for which I will be forever grateful.

Dear old Woody and Mr. Dudley Peanut relaxing on my youngest son’s lap.
 
I would like to end off Mrs. Poppy Peanut’s story with something beautiful that happened the day after she’d gone to her Heavenly Sleep…
 

The Miracle of the Blue Butterfly
 
28 August 2019 ~ The day after Mrs. Poppy Peanut went to her Heavenly sleep, my youngest son popped in for an hour or two around midday.  He had been housesitting for my 2nd son, and needed to go back, but decided to spend some time with me, because he knew I was hurting.
 
While he was here, I walked to the back door, about to open the security gate to go out into the garden, when I noticed the most beautiful big blue and black butterfly.  It looked just like the big yellow lime butterflies we see flying around our lemon tree every year, but instead of black with yellow markings, this one was black with beautiful blue markings on its wings… I’d never seen a blue one before, so I was fascinated by it as it danced around our lemon tree about three meters from where I was standing.
 
I called to my son… “Come quick!  Come see this beautiful butterfly!” … and he ran to the door. 
 
As he got to the door, something most unexpected and incredible happened… The butterfly turned towards us and flew right up to the security gate… danced in front of our faces for a few seconds as if it was trying to speak to us, then turned around and flew away over our garden wall… and that was the last we saw of it. 
 
Immediately, I said, without any doubt whatsoever, “Poppy’s alright.  She found a way to let us know she’s okay.” And my son agreed.  It was one of those magical, mystical, Miraculous moments in time that brought with it a beautiful sense of peace from the other side of the veil.
 
I wanted to know what kind of butterfly it was, so searched the internet and found a picture of one that I remembered it looked like.  I posted it on the Facebook bugs page that I love going through whenever I have time and asked for an ID on it.  But unfortunately, it was not one seen in South Africa… but someone did mention that it could be a Papilio nireus, the green-banded swallowtail… the one we saw was NOT green… we were certain it was blue, so I was very happy to see that it was probably more likely to be the narrow-banded blue swallowtail, or African blue-banded swallowtail butterfly, of the family Papilionidae which is found in Sub-Saharan Africa.  (For more information, see the link below.
 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Papilio_nireus?fbclid=IwAR16YNdLBpr9ldaoGtrDYLSBthQbrWNkjUSTun0hs9B5b6lOOq-Z4-dETAg

Narrow-banded blue swallowtail, or African blue-banded swallowtail butterfly
 
Feeling a longing for more nurturing love to help take away my intense pain over losing Mrs. Poppy Peanut, I mentioned on the page that my dog had died the day before and as a result, I received such a lovely response… but one hater put a laughing face as his response… and for some unearthly reason I can never explain… it did not bother me one little bit… I thought it would have, but it didn’t… so I was amazed about that.  It just felt like it was okay… his opinion could NOT take away my genuine feelings of love for my little dog who was no more… or my genuine tears of loss.
 
One woman commented… (I wish I could find the post so that I could add the exact words)… but she said something like:  “Go take a look at the meaning of seeing a blue butterfly.  You will be amazed”… and so I did.  See the link below and the fascinating and most comforting meaning I found on the page.
 
https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1EJFA_enZA794ZA795&ei=z_xnXfPrMoTnxgPmpp2wCw&q=definition+of+blue+butterflies&oq=definition+of+blue+butterflies&gs_l=psy-ab.3...65135.67474..70468...0.2..0.400.2450.2-8j0j1......0....1..gws-wiz.......0i71j0i7i30.BMGG4yMdvpw&ved=0ahUKEwizj-nKv6jkAhWEs3EKHWZTB7YQ4dUDCAo&uact=5
 
The blue butterfly is a symbol of Spirit speaking through transformation and change. In some cultures, spotting a blue butterfly is thought to bring sudden good luck. ... Spotting a blue butterfly means that a wish one makes or made will come true. A blue colored butterfly is often thought to symbolize joy and happiness.
 

• A blue butterfly is often considered as a sign of life.
• But in most cultures, the blue butterfly is a symbol of acceptance, honor, and great energy.
• A blue butterfly can also symbolize the passing of time, change, and meaningful purpose in life.
• Seeing a blue butterfly or holding it can have a calming effect on a person.
• In some part of the world, blue butterflies are rare, so it is considered extremely lucky to observe one.

 
I cannot begin to tell you how much the comforting visit of that beautiful blue butterfly was for me… so much so, that I am aching for a blue butterfly necklace or broach or bracelet with little blue butterflies on… or a blown glass blue butterfly.  I would love to have a blue butterfly for my daughter and for me… it feels somehow like that would be a most comforting connection to my little Poppy…
 
I will be searching everywhere for blue butterfly anything’s from now on… it feels like something I must have… Patricia… Patty… whoever… I feel that it is needed to fill the hole in my soul…
 
I told my little sister who lives in Canada, and she almost immediately WhatsApped me the picture of the blue butterfly that I used at the top of this post… She understands me so well and I feel her comforting, nurturing and caring love deeply at times like this.  If one of us ever has to go, I hope it will be me first, because I don’t think I could do this thing called life without her in this world…
 
I miss Mrs. Poppy Peanut so much… for a few days it was very painful adjusting to her not being here.  When I hung washing, I expected to see her walking around the garden to keep me company… when I went to sleep at night… she was supposed to be lying next to me on her little bed (we had recently bought her a brand new bed too)… when I sat in the lounge, she was supposed to be lying in my arms, etc.
 
Soon after Poppy left us, someone called to ask if I wanted a puppy… I couldn’t absorb that offer, because I was still mourning Poppy’s absence.  For me it’s like if someone’s husband died, calling them to say you’ve got a replacement husband for them… It made no sense to me!
 
Besides, I don’t want to ever go through this again… so no thank you… no more pets for me.  I will take care of my garden lizards… I love those and will make it my goal to get one to eat out of my hand.  They have a lot of character and respond when I call… I also have my fish… at least none of those pine for me when I go out… I don’t have to worry about leaving them at home alone… Poppy hated being alone and I hated leaving her alone… so no thank you… no more…
 
NO MORE… NO MORE PAIN!
 
Why is it that if a human relative or friend dies, people visit and support you at the funeral, etc… but just because Mrs. Poppy Peanut was a dog, there was so much less support… like what the helper basically implied… “just get over it!” 
 
I’m not going to just get over it!  And I’m so grateful for my select few wonderful, loving and understanding FB friends and my beautiful daughter and son in law who were physically there for me… my sisters also from a distance… Other than them and a few others who let me know that they really understood…
 
The long hours learning to be alone at home without Mrs. Poppy Peanut has been truly agonising!
 
Please like my posts even if they are not happy ones.  I want to know that I’m not alone here… that someone took the time to read my loooong posts (sorry about that), and cared enough to share this time with me, in memory of my sweet and loving Mrs. Poppy Peanut…

Thank you.
​
~ Panayiota  

​~ (Caution – this is a very sad post) – I struggled to face and finish this post, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to rest until it was safely recorded and put to rest here.
 
On Facebook ~ Sunday, August 25 at 19h40
 
I wrote:
Please pray for Mrs Poppy Peanut... she’s feeling very ill. Thank you.
 
I received so much support and well wishes from my Facebook friends and I responded
Thank you so much for your TLC everyone. I realised what her problem was by last night and knew that she was going to be okay if she could just get through the night. (NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH!) Her vomiting for two days was indeed as a result of eating chicken skin (she's too old to change up her diet... her diet needs to stay specific, just like mine)… she also has a oesophagus pocket that some older dogs develop where food gets stuck sometimes causing instant regurgitation of any food or water taken in (something we’d managed to get under control on following the instructions from our last visit to the Animal Anti-Cruelty Vet, so she has not had problems with that in ages, but maybe the vomiting caused it to flare up with the pocket filling up again and causing the vomiting)... but unfortunately at the same time the vomiting threw me off completely as to what was really going on with her.
 
A few days before, on Thursday 22nd, in the evening, I gave Poppy a gristly bone to chew on... the white bone and gristly pieces I gather she can no longer digest, so they must have gone through and might have caused her anal-gland abscess to develop a few days later… I don’t know.  (she hadn’t suffered from the anal gland problem in a very long time either, because the Vet showed me what to look out for and what to do about it if it started to brew again).  If I knew that was happening again, I could have helped her before it became too big and painful and nearly killed her… (helping her would involve gloves on each hand and stretching the anus massaging and pulling/pressing both thumbs in the opposite direction to help pop the abscess while it was still small… gross I know, but a simple [momentary painful remedy] for a potentially serious problem.  There is instant relief for the dog once the abscess has popped and drained) Poppy is prone to this abscess, but changing her diet to a regular, moist and more digestible type and finer consistency has helped her so much and she hasn't had the abscess in ages, or the problem with the pocket in her oesophagus.  I also had lifted her food and water onto bricks, so that her neck was always stretched up to straighten her oesophagus when eating and drinking and that, I am sure, helped her a lot also.
 
But, this time, the anal abscess was the worst she's ever had and seriously, it's a wonder she made it!  Late on Sunday 25th, she looked like she was going to die and I was preparing to take her to the emergency Vet, but my youngest son couldn't get off duty early and because I get into a terrible state at the Vet, I do need company and help with going there.  But, by the time I came home from dropping my eldest son off at the airport in the evening, Poppy's abscess had already popped... blood stained fluid everywhere on the blanket she had been lying on, and it had the most terrible smell...
 
Oh my goodness me... so much washing with soap and Sanpic got done over this time that my hands became burnt red and left with tiny sores all over the skin.  We laid the entire house with newspaper, especially for in case she was up during the night with diarrhea and vomiting.  But as had happened previously when we dealt with this problem, once the abscess had popped, she would generally feel a whole lot better and start to heal.
 
I did as much comforting and reassuring her as I could, because I believe that the touch and gentle sound of my voice would help her to relax and she did respond well to all the love. The worst was over with by 1am and we slept until 6am, so I have hopefully had enough sleep to see me through the day, even though I was up for the first half of the night seeing to Poppy as she was still vomiting from time to time.  (so it wasn’t the abscess that was the problem at that point, it was the vomiting… I had to stay up to make sure she vomited on the newspapers and that she was coping… I felt so helpless but did my best to comfort and help her.
 
She's weak this morning, but I can see now that she is much better already. If anyone has ever had an abscess before, you will know how terribly painful they are not to mention the possibility of the infection causing septicemia, etc.... Poor Mrs. Poppy Peanut.... I'm so grateful she survived the night... thank you to anyone who prayed with us for her... <3 <3 <3
 
I wrote a little later
I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do, but I'm scared to feed Poppy this morning because of all the vomiting over, so I've put a tablespoon of Greek yogurt down for her for when she wakes up. I think I will give her another two tablespoons until around lunch time, and if all goes well, then I will give her a little regular mushed food again if she is hungry... I'll keep you all updated... we will keep the newspaper down, until I'm sure she's not puking anymore, but so far so good... no more runny tummy either... abscesses are incredibly painful until they pop... I wish I'd realised it was an abscess sooner. I can usually tell, because her droppings get very skinny and small, but, because of the vomiting and diarrhea, there was no sign of that happening this time... she got a double whammy (the vomiting and diarrhea and the abscess were separate problems she had to deal with)... she won't EVER be getting bones to chew on again!
 
Later
I gave Poppy one small tablespoon of Yoghurt in the morning, but she continued to follow me around and she didn’t look bad at all, so I gathered she was starving… I warmed her regular meal and gave her 1/4 of that... she's just gobbled it down, so let’s see how that goes. I will give her 1/4 of her food throughout the day, but with a small tablespoon of yogurt first each time. It's plain Greek yogurt... so it should be good. 

​Poppy last night about half an hour after My youngest son arrived home, she raised her head for the first time. Usually she'd be running to the door to greet him when he arrives. But it was good to see her raising her head… I felt it was a sign that she was feeling better.  I imagined she was very weak though and just needed time to recover.

​This morning… Poppy has a comfy bed to lie on in my room but chose instead to lie on the carpet right next to my computer chair where I was working.

​This afternoon, Poppy is still choosing to lie on the carpet next to my desk... she wants to stay close to me... bless her… I keep talking to her and reaching down to love her… she is responding well to my love.  I am feeling hopeful, but at the same time, worried, because she’s been so quiet.  I gather she’s just feeling weak and ill from all the vomiting she had done.  Thankfully that was over with now, so I knew I just had to help her to build her strength up.  She had been drinking well, but today, she was a little too still and quiet.  No strange breathing, nothing… she looked so relaxed, but I was worried.
 
Later (keeping my friends on Facebook updated)
Poppy has eaten two small meals today so far and a little yogurt am... she's looking a little uncomfortable right now... so just waiting to see what happens, but hopefully she's still okay. Maybe just a little sore. Even a popped abscess hurts... and maybe a little tummy ache too. I'm giving her lots of loves which she's enjoying.
 
I picked her up and took her outside for the toilet… she did a massive wee, so I knew she was drinking enough water… so, I gathered she was just uncomfortable, only because her little bladder must have been really full and she was feeling too weak to bother going outside on her own.
   
Tuesday, August 27 at 02h14
I've been up most of the night. Mrs. Poppy Peanuts abscess must have managed to seal itself again... so she was in a lot of pain and the occasional groaning noise she made told me so. I had to stay awake because I knew the stinky mess was coming and she had started vomiting again, so she needed me and I also needed to be awake to contain the messes… to make sure she was always on a towel or newspaper if vomited or if the abscess burst.
 
(I did my best to help burst the abscess… did what the Vet had taught me to do and did what helped me once when I had a problem with abscesses.  I ran a clean rag under warm water and squeezed it out.  Used it to wash her tail end, but also held it against her skin there, hoping it would help with releasing the abscess.  I think she liked the soothing warmth and attention.)
 
The abscess finally burst at 2am, so hopefully it won't seal itself again. If it does, then I fear it will be time to say goodbye to her because I don't want to see her suffering more.
 
I would need help to do that 😕 my youngest son will only be off duty tomorrow.
 
I hope Poppy and I will be able to sleep soon. I'm so tired and I'm sure she is also... my poor little doggy.  She's already looking calmer and relaxed... thankfully 🙏😴
 
Seeing things in perspective is so important:
Tuesday, August 27 am
 
The new helper that my sister’s helper had introduced me to came today to help clean up after my hectically wonderful weekend with my eldest son and the three children here, and it was before they were gone that Poppy started to show signs of not being too well, so I really needed help by today.
 
Anyway, she came on a sad day for me as I started to realise the inevitable, so there's been tears and she must have heard me crying on the phone when I was talking to my daughter about Poppy and the agonising prospect of having her put down.
 
Next thing, I hear this dreadful sound coming from the lounge... sounded like people having a fighting fit... screaming and shouting... like the horrid sound of my old neighbours fighting the other day. I realised it was coming from the helper’s phone and, (horrified), I went through and asked her what it was all about and she told me that it was a preacher... praying or speaking about Lazarus... I think she said... I told her it sounded like people fighting... it was very loud!  Then I went into my room and shut the door so that I could block the noise of it all.  I mean, if you want to get me going, start any religious pushy stuff around me...!
 
But... (surprisingly) instead of being highly annoyed, I tried to get perspective on what had just happened... She had heard me crying on the phone and wanted to share the only comfort she must know... her kind of church stuff... what she believes in... what is meaningful to her... she wanted to share the love she holds dear, to help me get through my pain...
 
So, instead of my usual highly allergic reaction to religious pushing... I felt her love and care; she was only trying to help me to feel better.
 
Of course, I hope I never have to hear that loud and unholy (in my opinion) noise in my house again, but for today, I am very grateful for this lady's beautiful gesture of love and compassion.
 
Before she left, I asked her what her preacher was talking about... I felt I owed her that… she said, about "crossing over"... I thanked her for sharing that with me.
 
August 27 at 10h44 ~ I wrote on my Facebook timeline
 
I love you all... thank you for being here... I'm totally teary this morning... tiredness and sadness... Poppy and I finally slept between after 3am and just before 7am when I woke. She's totally relaxed and wiped out right now... sleeping...
 
I'm struggling in-between... “Do I let her go, or prolong her life and struggles?”  She does have arthritis, a huge tummy hernia, aging teeth, some clouding in her eyes, a pocket in her oesphagus and the anal abscess thing (all that the Animal Anticruelty Vet wouldn’t do anything about, only instructing me as to how to help her each time a problem surfaced with these).  “Is it fair to keep her alive?” ... I just don't know... so sad... I really don’t want to let her go and I don’t want her to suffer either.
 
Just some of my friends’ responses
Hermè:  Only you can make that decision my friend. There is no easy answer; this is a terrible time for you. Give her all the cuddles and love - she will tell you.  God bless, Panny. Love you lots ♥️
 
Jukka: I am so sorry for the pain you both are going through. These situations in life are those in which being responsible is almost unbearable. Much love ❤️
 
Panayiota: Yes Jukka, you hit the nail on the head. I could pull her through this time, as I've done before (although it's never been this bad before)... but there will still be the next time... and the next... so, I'm struggling... it's a real dilemma... what is the responsible choice... (what's about her needs... what's about my extreme fear of losing her)... “Do I have her put down, or… prolong her life?”, because when she is happy in-between, she's happy enough and even still has puppy moments when she’s well, where she dances in circles when she's hungry and I’m coming towards her with her bowl of food.  I hate making this choice... it's hurting so much... too much! But when it comes to true love... it's her that must come first... not me and my broken emotions over it all... I have to put her first... but still thinking about it.  She won't eat this morning, but she did just lap up some chicken stock... Oh man... I've got such a headache!
 
Jukka: I wish I could help you. Whatever you do comes from a loving heart. She knows that, he is wise. Please try to get some rest, some detachment and perspective. There is meaning to be found, even in this heart-breaking situation. As I just read somewhere, sometimes the meaning stands out from the background and you just see it. Sometimes you have to be open and attentive to see it.
 
Helen: So sorry Pannie-Pie, my heart goes out to you. Only you can decide what to do with poor Mrs. Poppy Peanut. Love and hugs ❤
 
Brie: Auntie Pan, we are praying and thinking about you! We love you so much and Mrs. Poppy. Hugs!💔💔💔
 
I registered to do a Sacred Dying Doula course recently, and so, in my desperation, I contacted the course leader to ask her what she would do.  She said that it would be best to let Mrs. Poppy Peanut go.  I guess I knew that already, but just needed to hear that from someone else so that I didn’t have to feel so broken about making the decision on my own. 
 
I wrote later… 
Poppy Peanut was walking a little this morning and even wagging her tail when I talked to her. She only managed to drink two small portions of chicken stock, but is refusing food...laying down weakly all the time... next to me... she wants to be close to me... I think she might die quietly in the night if I keep her here. There are no signs of much life... if I call she lifts her head and stares me in the eye for a few moment, otherwise she's just lying there... no strained breathing... nothing... just totally wiped out. I've just asked if my youngest son can try get off of work so we can take her to her peace-sleep 😭 I keep stroking her and telling her how much I love her and thanking her for all the gentle and unconditional love she's given to me over the years (my Sacred Dying Doula trainer also suggested that I do this)... My head is splitting so sore from the stress and crying all day... it's her time... the decision is made... I'm totally heartbroken... Thank you to all who have walked with me on this one... I needed you... thank you so much for your understanding love… I love you all.

Picture by Marihet Hamman
 
My youngest son had not gotten back to me yet… I took Poppy out for a wee.  She did a big one again, so I felt she was doing okay as far as water hydration went, although I was a little worried about her electrolyte balance after all the vomiting… I believed it was what was causing her to be so weak.  The strange thing was, that when I put her down outside, she walked around normally, sniffing the ground.  I felt confused and unsure about how ill she really was, but my intuition told me she was very ill… she had, had enough… it was her time… I could not put it off another moment… I loved her too much to cause her to suffer anymore.
 
Not knowing if my son was going to come or not, I felt helpless… I lay on the floor next to Poppy who I had encouraged to go lie on her big pillow next to my bed when she came in.  Her back was against my chest and I felt us breathing together.  She was so relaxed, but also so happy to have me lying next to her on her pillow.
 
I kept bursting into tears… as I’d done all day anyway, but now I could hear my real crying voice… not the one that is always trapped and wailing on the dungeon walls inside.  That’s Patty’s trapped voice… she was never allowed to cry with a voice… mother would beat her until she shut up completely… so for Patty, only tears can escape, but no crying voice. 
 
It’s not often I hear my own crying voice… it’s foreign to me… I have decided that it is definitely Patricia’s voice… Patricia must have found a way to cry out aloud… maybe when she was alone in the stables with the horses or when being raped by her stepfather… maybe she heard her own voice then… but I am certain, it was Patricia’s voice I heard whilst lying next to Poppy. 
 
I kept trying to stop it, because I didn’t want to upset Poppy… so I’d speak to her sweetly, telling her I love her so much and thanking her for her love… and all the while, she was stretching her little face back into mine and nuzzling my face with hers… something she always did when she was feeling totally content and secure in my love… usually in the evenings when I stopped work and went to sit with her on my lap in the lounge.  She was behaving so “normal and well” while I lay next to her, just stroking her and the two of us absorbing as much love together as we could.
 
Next thing, my phone rang… it was my youngest son at the gate… he’d arrived unexpectedly and the inevitable was about to happen.
 
 
Tender Mercies and comforting Miracles
I left Poppy on her pillow to go and open the gate for my son… when I turned around outside, Poppy was right there behind me, ready to greet my son with her wagging tail.  I was stunned… how would he ever believe me that she had shown so little signs of life all day long.  But we both remembered how the same thing had happened when we took Mr. Dudley Peanut to the Vet to be put down when it was his time to leave us… as he was going out of the door that day, he was suddenly looking as healthy as can be…
 
Was this Heaven’s blessings to help us through these horrible times… I had to believe it was, because it was the same thing that happened with Dudley that was happening with Poppy now.  We nearly changed our minds, but we agreed that we could not put her through what she had been through already, ever again... we knew that it was her time and we had to let her go...
 
I feel so relieved to know that she will never have to suffer like that again… it was the hardest decision ever, but I believe it was the right one for her...
 
Before leaving the house to go to the Vet, I took a rescue tablet and a panado, because my head was throbbing so very sore! 

​Angel Wings
I climbed into the car… my head pounding painfully… my heart tearing apart even more… My son picked Poppy up off of the lawn where she was sniffing the grass and put her on my lap and drove us to the Vet.  

As we traveled towards the Vet, a short distance from our home, a car drove in front of us all the way, and my son and I were both touched to see a picture of angel wings stuck on their back window… Under the picture was written:  In memory of my loving son.  I don’t know what it was about that, but we took it as a sign that we were not alone with our pain… someone else shared the pain of loss with us, they would understand.  Heaven sent us this sign to comfort us… I will never forget those angel wings… not the same as the picture I’ve shared, but that doesn’t matter… It was that beautiful moment in time… a light shining in the darkness of our pain that will always count most.  Heaven was with us.
 
Goodbye Mrs. Poppy Peanut
When we arrived at the Vet, I was losing it completely, because my sadness was so deep and I was crying so much… I could not keep my crying voice in… my head felt as though it would explode… The receptionist and a mother and daughter client inside, were so kind and helped me to stay reasonably calm, but the tears kept flowing and continued to sob quietly.  I can’t remember anything they said, other than, that “The dog-owner is often filled with guilt when they bring their dog to be put down…” I wasn’t feeling guilty at all, so I remembered that.  I remember the mother coming and putting her hand on my shoulder to comfort me… A man came through with his son and a dog… I think… I can’t remember seeing a dog, but there must have been… and he said something kind to me.  I felt comforted by his words… but I don’t remember what he said.  My son thinks he said, “All dogs go to Heaven”…
 
Through his quiet tears, my son Andrew commented… “Shew mom, your toes are blue!”… I looked down… they were indeed.  I guess the upset and sobbing was depleting my oxygen… I wasn’t breathing properly… 
 
Poppy lay between my youngest son and I, looking around as if interested in all the goings on… The Vet came to take Poppy to prep her for her final injection… I wasn’t happy to be separated from her, but he explained that it was better for both the owner and the dog… then he called us in. 
 
She was standing quietly on the table… I wrapped left arm under her chin and around her, pulling her against my chest and the other arm stroking her head and back while I did my best to reassure her that she was safe and not alone.  Tears streaming down my cheeks, I KNEW that I was doing the right thing for Poppy… my youngest son stood right next to me… he had been crying also.  The Vet leaned forward and injected into the thing he’d put into her leg earlier… I couldn’t see what he was doing… thank Heavens… it happened so fast… she just lay down in my arms so peacefully and fell asleep.  It was done so gently… so right… I asked him if it was over and when he said yes, I thanked him with such a deep and overwhelming sense of gratitude (and a bucket of tears)… he shook our hands and then gently took Poppy in his hands.
 
Poppy went to sleep tonight, and she is no longer suffering... of course, I'm heartbroken, but it was harder to see her suffering than it will be to learn to live without her... I believe I will see her again.
 
Some comments (there were many, but this post is already too long so I’m only posting a few)
 
Brie: I'm so sorry! Love you Auntie. 😢😢
 
Vee: Aw my friend, my heart breaks for you 😭 it's one of the hardest things in the world to say goodbye to a fur kid 😭 please stay with her till the end, if you can. Best for her to go in your presence, it's incredibly difficult for an owner but she gave so much love and loyalty for so many years, please try not to let her go alone. Sending big hugs and strongs 💖
 
Panayiota: I stayed with her dearest Vee... it was so healing for me to do so... one of the bravest things I ever did and I'm so grateful now that I did. It's the first time ever that I found the courage to do that.  She fell asleep in my arms so peacefully... she knew she was loved and protected right until the very end… Lots of love to you
 
Vee: Panayiota, so sorry for your loss 💔 you are a wonderful person, so glad she went on her way in your loving arms ❤️ love you always 💖
 
Mrs. Poppy Peanut was my constant companion and my most valued daily source of unconditional love… and now she was gone… UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN 💖
 
To be continued…
 
~ Panayiota

Started about two weeks ago and only finished now:
 
My eldest son is going through another transition.  His work is moving him to another city far away, so he moved out of his old home at the end of July and moved in with my youngest son and I for two weeks. 
 
Our house is small… so it was hectic with all his stuff here, but somehow, we made it all fit in the lounge area while he sorted through it and decided what to take with and what to leave.  So, we were comfortable.  I also emptied two large drawers for him to use.  It’s all a long story, but to keep it really short and to the point (which is usually impossible for me), I just wanted to write about what a blessed time it was to have him here and to share such lovely moments with him.
 
I can remember the years of experiencing mother-agony, when he was so lost as a result of the abuses, tragedies and losses he experienced as a child.  Judgments and lack of understanding love from the world added to his sufferings and made things so much worse.  He withdrew from not only the world, but even from me.  During that time of separation from my son, I suffered deeply… and the longing for my son’s love to return to me added to deep guilt that I suffered for not being able to spare him from the abuse and struggles he had faced as he was growing up, no matter how hard I tried (and I did indeed try so hard).  I truly suffered the most agonising constant and unbearable anguish while our hearts were separated as a result of his difficult childhood. 
 
I wrote many poems expressing the pain I bore over all those years… one of them below: 
 
LOST... UNTIL “ETERNITY”
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
So much sorrow in knowing I cannot fix our love
To the way that it was before
To the days when you’d sing to me: “Mother of Mine”,
And I’d sing to you: “Ben”.
 
So much terrible pain fills the void between then and now
So much genuine love we shared then
LOST!  Lost somewhere... somehow
Lost in the darkest foreboding forest...
The one I used to know
The one I visited when I was a child
 
So, if anyone understands... sadly, I do!
A very lonely, hurting place where love and trust are trapped
With seemingly no possible escape!
No hope for a sunrise tomorrow
No hope in a genuine embrace... like before
No hope in ever knowing the truth again
The unconditional love we once shared
Lost forever… here, in this desolate place.
 
And so, I know all that is left is for me to hold on
For Eternity
That beautiful place
The only promise that still exists
On the other side of this awful tormenting divide
There, one lovely day... to meet you again
My son
A mother’s love that won’t ever give up
A loving memory returned and understood completely
To trust once again in our love... mother and son
I will endure for that day I know will come
Where this horrible pain can no longer destroy...
 
UNFAILING HOPE
DIVINE HEALING
TRUST RESTORED
HEAVEN’S LOVE
 
NO MORE TEARS
REJOICE!
 
~ Panayiota
(March 2013)
 
One thing that Life could NOT take away from me was my love for my son.  And I knew from my own experience, that only TRUE and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE could ever lift the curse that had so cruelly torn us apart. 
 
I wrote:
 
ONLY LOVE CAN LIFT THE CURSE!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
He doesn’t want people to know him,
For he no longer knows himself,
He doesn’t want people to feel for him,
Because he no longer feels much for himself!
 
He doesn’t want people to celebrate for him,
For he celebrates not for himself,
He doesn’t want people to love him,
For he doesn’t love himself!
 
Don’t live for him; don’t die for him,
Don’t even exist for his life,
For he’s no longer living or dead,
And he doesn’t exist for himself!
 
He denies that he has a problem,
Yet he struggles in a lonely place,
Where he’s tried to rub out his own feelings,
And has even erased his own face!
 
Don’t hate him for who he’s becoming,
You will only make things so much worse!
Love him regardless, I beg of you,
For Only Love can lift the curse!
 
~ Panayiota
(8 June 2000)
 
And so, I never, ever gave up on loving my son and believing in his beautiful spirit… the spirit I recognised in him when he was just a little boy.  Over the years of my anguish, I hid my tears and pain from him and kept contact by regularly sending brief (unemotional) message via WhatsApp or SMS mostly… just a “Hello… Have a happy day… Lots of love, Mom” kind of message.  
 
I followed through with this for years and in so doing, I proved my absolute truth… that Only Love can lift any curse… because it did!  I have my son back today.  I have his trust and his love.  We are able to have long, deep philosophical conversations on a level of mutual understanding and connection. 
 
I ache now, only because of those who still reject, judge and condemn him negatively and continue to project their negative curses onto him.  If only, they could see him in the way I do, they wouldn’t dare add to his struggles with their neglectful and hurtful judgments.  They would do all in their power to spend more time with him.  To accept and acknowledge his uniqueness and true worth in such a way as to strengthen him and lift him from all that has hurt him and held him back and still threatens to continue hold him back today, because that’s what childhood trauma does… it’s a lifelong threat and struggle that does not need to be added to by a harsh and judging world!
 
I was so grateful to my daughter and her husband, and my brother and sister in law and youngest son, all of whom went out of their way to acknowledge my eldest son with their genuine love during his two-weeks stay here.  They also treated his three children with such patient love and accepting goodness when they visited over the weekend.  Acknowledging, accepting and loving his children is also acknowledging, accepting and loving him… just as loving my children and grandchildren is the same as loving me… there’s no half measures or in-betweens.
 
I’ve been questioning love and trust just lately…
My youngest son inherited his deceased dad’s car recently and we asked permission to park it inside our complex.  Our house’s (one car) carport opens onto the road, so we needed to park his car inside for safety.  At a small monthly fee, this was granted.  He was told to park next to an outhouse on the grass.  A couple of times he was shifted to new positions inside the complex by residents, but eventually, he had his parking on the grass against the outhouse wall and all seemed good for quite some time… at least his car was safe at night. 
 
Around the same time as my eldest son came to stay for two weeks while he prepared to move to work in another city, we asked permission to have a gate put into our back wall, so that my youngest son could get to and from his car inside the complex without going all the way around on the street to enter at the main gate.  Everything seemed great, until my eldest son was also given permission to park for two weeks (only two weeks) inside the complex. 
 
My old next door neighbours who I had gotten so close to over time… (shared vegetables, herbs and preserves from my garden on occasions, had friendly chats with, written regular love notes to via WhatsApp), suddenly decided that two cars parked on the grass at the back was just too much!  They did not come to us, but the old lady… “my friend”… went around rallying support from other neighbours to demand that the cars were moved from the grass area and to refuse us a gate in our back wall!  She is someone who is already well-known for causing problems for residents in the complex, but up till now, we’d been (as I imagined), best of friends!  (I refuse to discuss neighbours with other neighbours, so I was never caught up in that. If I had any gripes, I would go only to one member of the body corporate who I’ve gotten to know and as far as I can remember, I only needed to go to her one when our new direct neighbours were crashing into the carport gate we share and causing our wall to split.
 
So, just like that, our dream gate in the back wall was refused and she was suddenly complaining bitterly about the dead grass under my youngest son’s car.  She caused such a palaver, that a kind friend inside the complex… the body corporate lady, invited both my boys to park at her house, just to keep the peace. 
 
I had longed for that back-wall gate ever since I moved here, so that we’d not only would I have access to the park area, but also so that I could get close to some old folk.  When I left my last area in 2012, I left behind a dear old friend, Norma (it will be the memory of her birthday on the 24th).  I love old folk so much.  Recently an old man died in the house directly behind us in the complex… if I had my back wall gate, I believe that I would have spent time with him, and perhaps even have been able to be with him when he died, so that he didn’t have to be alone. 
 
I have since registered and paid to do a Sacred Dying Doula course, because I never want another old person in our complex to die alone.  It might take me a while to complete the course because I have so many other commitments, such as getting my book done, but I have longed to do this course for many years.  I have sat with many a person crossing over the veil during my nursing years and in my personal life and I find it one of the  most sacred blessings to share with another human being… it’s one place where  my nurturing love is totally accepted and appreciated in every way, and where I can feel totally free to give all the love that I can to another human being… it’s very, very special to me.
 
Whatever happens, I am very hurt about yet another loss of what I believed was dear friends next door.  I have decided that I will not go out of my way to get close to anyone in this complex again, because it seems to me that love and friendship can no longer be trusted freely in this world.
 
If anyone is lonely, I will open my door and heart to them if they visit me, but I will avoid getting close to anyone again here otherwise.  So even if the old lady next door ever needs me, I will be there for her, because that’s who I am… but until such time, I will have nothing more to do with her, because she has betrayed my trust and my friendship with her.
 
My eldest son was going through his own struggle over the last two weeks.  Moving away from his children was very painful to him.  For the first week, he shared real tears with me.  I saw when his children (my beloved grandchildren) came to stay the weekend, what a wonderful dad he is.  I saw how much wisdom he used in dealing with an argument they were having and how beautifully they responded to his wise and gentle counsel. 

It hurt me greatly that selfish, judging neighbours had to add to the hurt by putting their patch of grass before friendship and neighbourliness… before love… before caring for another human beings needs… and to shatter our dream of a back-wall gate with such a cutting, wagging, cruel tongue!  YES… I AM HURT!  Friendship meant NOTHING to her… I had thrown my pearls to swine yet again!
 
I will end with this powerful poem
I absolutely love this poem below.  I know that I share the same poems, etc. in more than one post, but those are what are important for me to illustrate what I’m saying on the day I write, and I’m sure not everyone reads all my (mostly long-winded) posts, so I feel it’s okay to repeat where necessary.  I hope you enjoy this one below… it’s beautiful to me.
 
Please Hear What I'm Not Saying
by Charles C. Finn
September 1966
 
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
 
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
 
But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.
 
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.
 
I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.
 
Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.
 
Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.
 
https://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/4080792/jewish/A-Psychotherapists-Shema-in-Auschwitz.htm/fbclid/IwAR2D68KsanIbsYxL_iB5umEJdb9g2Wmdjv4p6VVWDj8rqmdc6qSUaEofcXc#utm_medium=page_tools&utm_content=desktop&utm_source=FB

​https://themighty.com/2017/08/life-impacting-symptoms-of-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/
 
https://themighty.com/2019/03/habits-living-with-complex-ptsd/?utm_source=newsletter_mental_health&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=newsletter_mental_health_2019-08-12&$deep_link=true
 
Thank you for sharing and for all those who read my blog posts.  I appreciate your support very much.
 
~ Panayiota

p.s. GOOD NEWS!
Good news is, that we have had our bathroom makeover done… I can’t wait to share about that.  I need more time to put some pictures together.  We have the most beautiful dream come true bathroom ever now and I am so grateful to my daughter and son in law for overseeing the purchasing choices and work on that… I love them so much!

Unsplash free photo by: M.T ElGassier

In 2009/2010, during the lasts stages of my therapy journey I was searching on FB for anyone who had information about certain people whose names I could remember from my past.  I also wanted to know if my abusive, child molester stepfather was still alive, because, after all the horrific flashbacks I’d experienced in therapy, I strongly felt that he should not be alive to hurt anymore children or destroy any more lives the way he hurt me and messed up my life so much… If he is still alive, he should be in jail… so it haunted me not knowing whether he was dead or alive! 
 
Yesterday, I saw on my Facebook notifications, messages from my mother!  Somehow, she found my posts on some random search page, from so long ago and responded.  She responded as if she was a stranger, even though my name was right there as I had asked the question. 
 
My reaction to seeing her name pop up on the notifications and reading her stranger responses to those three searches I wrote so many years ago, was extremely disturbing to me. 
 
I knew that I needed HELP immediately to process what was going on in my mind and body, because I was having such a strong negative reaction. 
 
There are people even very close family who have always favored my mother and have never believed anything we’ve told them about her, so I could not turn to them for help, so I sent a message to three people who I felt I could trust most to respond in the right way to help me in the moment… another hasn’t visited in a while, so I felt that perhaps he was too busy to reach out to.
 
I messaged in a disjointed way, because that’s how I was feeling
 
“HELP!  Mother contact on Facebook! I feel sick… frightened… shocked!”
 
It was truly a horrible shock for me to see her name pop up.  I did not even know until yesterday if she was still alive.  I think I was in a comfort zone of not knowing anything… because the not knowing anything was better than the KNOWING… the knowing (if she was dead), would have brought too much pain… (and that she was alive) … FEAR! 
 
SHE’S ALIVE!!!  DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!
 
One of the friends mentioned recently that her phone is broken, so I guess she never received my message.  My other friend was very helpful, in just listening and talking me through it. And the third was also very understanding and in acknowledging my fear without any judgment or doubt in what I was telling him, he made so much difference as well.
 
Our conversation after my HELP! message went something like this
 
Me
it’s on another page where you can search for people.  I was looking for people ages ago during my therapy journey.  I can’t believe my reaction… real fear… anger and tears… head tight and heart pounding!  Blood pressure up, I guess! (and very tired… deep sleep escape tired) But I will be okay… 
 
(Typical of me to add the last sentence, because I don’t want the person that I’m sharing with to worry too much after I’ve shared what’s worrying me so much!)
 
Me
My mother disappeared after practically telling me to F off in 2013 (on Mother’s Day when I was reaching out to her with my love).  I didn’t even know if she was still alive… so it was a huge shock!
 
Friend (His acknowledging and non-judgmental response)
Oh my, that must have been an extremely emotional experience – displacement – almost out-of-body
 
Me
IN 2009, I WROTE ON A SEARCHING FOR MISSING PEOPLE PAGE.  SHE MUST HAVE JUST FOUND IT.  RESPONDED LIKE A STRANGER WHO HAD INFORMATION FOR ME… AND I MUST CONTACT HER…
 
Friend
Very, very strange.
 
Me
Horrible beyond words… feeling panicked… even heart palpitations while I’m writing this to you… so I’d better get busy again!  Busy works 😊
 
Friend
And you’re not going to contact her, right?
 
Me
Right now, I can’t answer that… CAN’T BREATHE EITHER!
 
Instant sense of danger… like I’m imagining (intrusive thoughts), that she wants to know where I live so she can organize to kill me.  On the FB page I wrote that I was writing a book about my life and needed to know about or contact certain people…
 
I need my mentor.  I sent her a message, but she’s on Shabbat…
 
MUST WORK!
 
Friend
Well, you’re not in any danger
 
Me
You don’t know my mother… I’ve seen what she is capable of… very vengeful and powerful!!!
 
Friend
She knows nothing about your current life
 
Me
She might know everything!  That’s the scary part… I wonder if she has seen my blog and now wants to silence me… she’s seriously very dangerous…
 
Friend (still acknowledging my fear… which makes him one of my rare True Friends)
You can make a statement at a police station
 
Me
Who would believe me… she’s so clever… so manipulative… scary as HELL!
 
Friend
It would be the craziest story, I promise you.  And you have every right to do it.
 
Me (sent at the same time as he wrote and sent the above)
I think I need to take some Alzam to calm down… talking about her is making it worse.
 
Friend
Yes, do so.  The pill will work inside of 10 minutes
 
Me (in response to his “craziest story” comment)
Haahaahaaa!  Just what the doctor ordered!  You’re the best!  Feeling much better.  Paradoxical intention… you’d make a great logotherapist :D
 
Friend
Seriously though, if you have a genuine fear, lodge a statement and make it known that you have done this and hint as to what it contains
 
Me
Bless you dear friend
 
End of our conversation
 
I know that there are many out there who will not believe the extent of my fears or the reality of them… you never knew our mother like we knew her.
 
Part of me has longed for my mother’s love all my life… but the woman who scares me so much… I cannot let her near no matter what… too much of a threat to my safety (emotional and physical)
 
The only way I could accept her is if she is dying and I could nurse her for her last days here in this world.  I would love to do that for her (for me), to show her what true love really looks and feels like, even if I could never have it for myself from her.  She would not be a danger to me if she was on her death bed, and I could be her nurturing, loving daughter. I wish I could have that opportunity.  But while she lives free to work her dangerous games, I cannot trust her.  I imagine that now that she knows I’m writing a book; she will do everything in her power to manipulate the contents of my book, even by playing the loving mother cards to get what she wants from me.
 
No… I cannot and must not get involved with her now… I cannot trust her EVER!   
 
I made my decision.  I did Like her comments on the Facebook page to acknowledge her “stranger response” to my search.  But I won’t be contacting her.  I blocked her from looking at my Facebook page and that is about the best I can do to protect myself at this stage. 
 
My blood pressure is still up… still heart palpitations and headache… still deep sleep tired and FEAR!!!  Not feeling safe!
 
I don’t expect anyone else to believe me or understand… YOU NEVER LIVED WITH HER! Unless you’ve ever known RAW FEAR as a child… repeatedly over many years, continuing into your adulthood… how could you believe or understand what I was feeling yesterday and what is still haunting me today. 
 
She is very political… she will have contacts!  
 
SHE SILENCED ME ALL MY LIFE… I DON’T CARE HOW OLD SHE IS… SHE CAN AND WILL STILL FIND A WAY TO DO IT IF THAT’S HER PLAN!  MY FEAR IS REAL!
 
Yesterday I kept as busy as I could… my way of dealing with the HORROR inside of me.  I washed and cleaned, watered the garden, swept and washed some more.  Made a cake for my nephew… told my daughter about what had happened when she called, and she came straight over.  She is an incredible support and a true friend. We went to visit my Dad and gave my nephew his cake.  It was a lovely visit and I felt so much better afterwards, but when I came home, I just kept working… started to “cook for the nation”… mixed over 1 kilogram of mince with chopped onions, green peppers, garlic, and herbs… divided it and put rice into half of it for my youngest son.  We had bought a sack of gem squash the day before, so I filled 12 halves… six for my son and six for me and baked them.  They were still hot from the oven when he arrived home at 20h30… I’d only just sat down when he arrived home and even my dishes were washed already by then!  We ate two stuffed gem squash each, and they were delicious… and I packed the rest for the freezer.  The I divided the left-over mix for another meal another day and packed that also. 
 
Visiting and keeping busy helped me to get through yesterday.  The Alzam calming/relaxing tablet I took earlier in the day helped me so much and I even had a good night sleep thankfully. 
 
Thank you for sharing with me… (please Like my posts if you read them, even if they are not happy posts.  It helps me to feel as though I have friends out there walking by my side on my journey and I’m not alone.  I’m grateful for all who acknowledge my posts here… thank you so much)
 
~ Panayiota
 
P.s.  On my Greek Name Day, I went to visit at my dad’s house to celebrate my nephews 19th birthday with them all there.  It was such a lovely time, that it felt just like old times… like everything was back to how it was before, or at least as close as it’s ever going to get and that’s good enough for me right now.  When I arrived home, I was surprised to see that my green balloon was starting to shrivel… I imagined then, that it had done what it came to do… it had given me hope and helped me to hang on for as long as needed, and now it was going to leave me.  I loved that Green balloon and the comforting message of HOPE that it gave me to hold on…

JUST HOLD ON… THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE, NO MATTER WHAT.

I realised yesterday, that it’s easy to say things about what you believe and to believe things that you say, but it’s not always easy to live up to everything you profess to say or be.  TO WALK THE TALK!
 
I believe that Life tests us on our own beliefs to teach us and show us exactly where we “actually” stand in relationship to what we say and what we say we believe!  It’s up to us to respond to the tests that Life brings to us in whichever which way we feel best at the time and to accept the consequences or gifts that come from the results of our responses.
 
Yesterday I was tested
Anyone who lives in this country, knows how annoying beggars can be.  And entertaining a beggar is downright dangerous also!  If we stop to talk to someone at our driver’s window, it could be a distraction, for a thief sneaking up on the other side of the car, to break the passenger side window and steal a bag.  Practically every red robot that we stop at has beggars approaching the cars.  We have hijackings to fear too.  And if we give to a beggar who comes to our gate, there’s that chance that they take advantage of the fact that we are a giver, they might then keep coming until they totally wear us down, or become a danger to us, our family, our belongings, our pets (poisoning), etc.  That’s the truth about how it is in South Africa, so very often we avoid beggars to protect ourselves, our pets and our property.  Sometimes we even avoid acknowledging them by totally ignoring someone who comes to our car window, until they go away. 
 
I Just remembered a past test and its consequence while I was writing this
I always taught my children to at least smile at a beggar, or to say hello and politely say, “No thank you”… but, one day I was in a big hurry to get somewhere, and as we arrived at the robot, a beggar came close to my window and I immediately shewed him away with my hand.  As I did so, my car stalled and died!  Without being able to restart it, I then had to ask that same beggar for help and pay him!  I laugh about it now, but at the time, I learned a big lesson.  I had not walked my own talk and had to explain this to my children… a big lesson learned for by us all that day!
 
The old beggar
Anyway, yesterday I arrived home from collecting some printing that I needed to pack for a student’s study pack.  I noticed an old African lady walking past my house on the street.  As I drove into my driveway, I noticed her turning back towards my car.
 
Oh NO!  I thought immediately.  I was in a hurry to get the student’s study pack off; I didn’t need this nonsense now! 
 
As she approached my window, I felt annoyed and barely opened it (subconsciously protecting myself).  She started to speak… told me how she was struggling to feed her grandchildren and how she had gone to SASSA (government grants) the day before and…
 
Well, I couldn’t hear what she was saying, because I immediately noticed that she was struggling to speak… choking on her welling tears!  Real tears. 
 
I immediately felt compassion… especially as she mentioned SASSA… I know how horrible and dehumanizing that place can feel!  I opened my window fully and looked her in the eyes… in that moment, I wanted her to know that I was now with her… I was listening to her plea.  She had my full attention.
 
She quickly wiped her tears away and tried to speak, but I still wasn’t getting what she was trying to say and her tears just kept flowing.  I told her I’d bring her some bread and said she could wait by the tree outside my yard. 
 
I drove into my carport, and in those few seconds, everything changed inside of me… I felt a strong call, to live my thoughts and walk my talk!
 
So, before closing the gate, I asked her if she’d like to come inside and she did.
 
I invited the old woman into my home and got her to sit comfortably in my lounge.  She chose my chair with all the comfy cushions on it… it must have looked irresistible to her and I felt happy about that.  I offered her tea and she accepted.  I gave her tea and rusks and while she was enjoying that, I made sandwiches, which she said she’d rather take home for the children.  Used almost the whole loaf of bread that was left over after making my youngest son sandwiches for work in the morning. 
 
I chatted with the old lady whilst packing her sandwiches, and a bottle of cooldrink, and some biscuits, some tissues for her tears (which had now dried, but, should she need them somewhere else), a few vegetables, etc. I also took the only money I had in my bag, R10 and a small pile of change.  I found a nice big material shopping back to put all the stuff into, so that she could hold everything more easily. 
 
She asked me for one thing only while I as doing this for her… she asked if I had any soap for her.  (Thinking about that now, makes me want to cry for her… bless her).  So, of course, I gave her soap… a whole lot of what I could spare and even one of my new Dove bars.
 
Before she left, I asked if she needed the bathroom, pointing at my own… which she did.  I was coming out of my bedroom as she was coming out of the bathroom.  I could see the most incredible gratitude in her eyes… a beautiful smile on her face… she reached out to touch me on my shoulder while she was thanking me.  I had the impression she wanted to hug me.  I saw her to the gate… I had thought about that hug on the way to the gate and did not want to deny it.  I reached over to touch her on the shoulder as she was about to leave… and in that  moment, all fear, all colour, all separation fell away… it was a totally beautiful and spiritual moment as we both embraced and she kissed me on my neck, saying she was going to tell her children about today and thanked me over and over as she walked away with her bag full of goodies.
 
A MOST BEAUTIFUL MOMENT IN TIME!
 
She could have been my mother
Something crossed my mind that made the whole situation that much more special for me personally, as I imagined, that that dear old lady, could have been my mother… she was certainly someone’s mother… someone loves her.  Why should an old lady like that, at least in her 70’s or 80’s, I was sure, have to be walking the streets and begging for help.  Breaks my heart to even think about what she is going through to survive. 
 
My mother knew that I hated being kissed on the neck!  I really hated it so much… so she’d always do it to me and think it was funny!
 
I realised that the little old lady kissed me on the neck, because she was so short and she wanted to leave her loving kiss behind for me.
 
But, was it a coincidence only… or was it a part of the beautiful gift I received yesterday as I imagined that this dear old lady, could easily have been my mother too. 
 
Life surely does have a way of testing us and I pray that I passed my test.
 
I realise that by speaking about it, I deprive myself of further blessings… but I had to share this story with you all… I wanted to share about “Walking the talk”, because I feel it is such an important message at this time… and I also wanted to share about “Life tests”… So, yes, I might have deprived myself of any further blessings, but at the same time, I am totally satisfied with the blessings I received already yesterday, by doing the right thing, according to my own conscience and spiritual dimension working together for good.  It was my moment… it was the old lady’s moment… it was a TRULY SACRED moment where the TRUE and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE I always speak of was shared between two human beings… strangers… spiritual sisters… even a beautiful image and moment in time, of a loving mother and nurtured/nurturing child.
 
I am reminded of the bible verse:
 
Hebrews 13:2 ~ King James Version (KJV)
“Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.”
 
I truly felt as though I’d been touched by an angel yesterday.  I felt as though, in some strange and miraculous way, I was able to give my own mother the love I’ve always longed to give freely to her.  I am sure my own mother is still alive… but who knows.  I dread the day someone calls to let me know she’s died.  I think that will be too painful for me to bear, because it will mean, that all hope of ever having my mother’s love will be forever gone from this worldly existence.  As things are now, I guess that in reality, all I have left to hope in as far is she is concerned, is that there will come a time when I get to Heaven also, and that somehow… some way, things will all be sorted out then and I will at last, have the true and loving relationship I’ve always longed for with my mother.  A part of me feels resentful about all the years she deprived this child (me) of her mother’s love… but I do believe that even those resentments will be sorted out in Heaven… all things will be sorted out and will come right there.
 
“How should I have interpreted such a “coincidence” other than as a challenge to live my thoughts instead of merely putting them on paper?” (Frankl, 2008, p.119) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning
 
Feeling the LOVE!
 
Thank you for sharing this beautiful story with me.
 
~ Panayiota
 
P.s. Today is my Greek Name Day, and as I wrote on Facebook: (shortened)
 
It's my Greek Name Day today... I AM PANAYIOTA!
 
My beloved Greek (step) mom used to wish me Happy Name Day every year, and if she was near, I'd always get a chocolate... it was so special and I will always love her for acknowledging my true identity so beautifully and helping me to feel like I BELONGED.
 
She was the only person who ever consistently called me by my name. I now introduce myself by my true name, Panayiota (named after my Greek yiayia (grandma) on my dad's side), and our newer Logotherapy students know me by that name and it's wonderful to me!
 
I wanted to honour my name and to actually hear it being called, before I died. I don't want it to only ever be recognised on my Gravestone.
 
I also love that I have found the beautiful meaning for my name and know that I need to work hard to live up to it to make my Greek mom and Greek yiayia proud of me.
 
I didn't realise I actually had three Greek Name Days every year... 2 February, 15 August and 26 December! I'm going to be hoping for sugar free chocolates each time... end of story! 😅
 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panagiotis?fbclid=IwAR2yJvD_e71dqUlah3kVeYB_-7GfXjkmSeBK5dKzAHYoJkdXT6CTeZ9fUJ4