The day after Mrs. Poppy Peanut went to her Heavenly sleep, I wrote on Facebook
 
Wednesday, August 28 at 19h29
Chatting to a friend on WhatsApp just now I wrote: "My life is a lonely one lived through my computer… Mrs. Poppy Peanut was a constant presence here in my home… she was my unconditional love and dear friend… I miss her terribly already. But Life has kept me unusually crazy busy today, so I’ve not had a chance to grieve her passing… I’ve had to keep going with my office work, no matter what… I would have preferred to curl up in my bed and cry all day long, but Life knows best and I follow… like I have no option… tearful and exhausted…"
 
Threatening news – a dark cloud developed over all that we’re already facing
My youngest son’s job is threatened, because they are not making enough money where he is working, so I’ve been trying to find his certificates and work experience records all day also and I just can’t find them anywhere… the boss wants certificates, updated CV and all by Friday… He sent a form with questions on it… one asking if he is prepared to take a lower salary… we never responded to that… how on earth are we supposed to work with less?
 
I also need to help my sister’s helper’s daughter, Violet, with her school project. She doesn’t have a computer and needs some research done… EEEK… I’ve not found time to do a thing yet to help her, so still at the computer (late pm) and hoping to get some of that done before I switch off… too much stress right now. 
 
I also have a dream interpretation waiting to be done for a dear friend… I don’t have the time or energy to face it… I have to get into “the zone” to do those… I’m struggling too much to reach that place… I’m letting her down… it’s adding to my unhappiness…
 
I’m needing BIG TIME prayers please.
 
I even feel like I have a little chest infection developing... slightly itchy, burning bronchi... but so far today, it’s not getting any worse thankfully.
 
❤ Thanks to you all for all the love... you truly have helped me through a very tough time yet again ❤
 
Some of my Facebook friends’ responses:
 
Brie: I'm putting you on Mt. Timpanogos temple prayer roll as well as we'll pray every day for you Auntie. Sending love and hugs! ❤❤❤
 
Izaak: Oh Panny, so sorry about Mrs Poppy Peanut. As a fellow dog lover and someone who lost their little fur baby as well a few months back, I know the hurt you are experiencing with her loss. Then you have all these other issues to contend with. May Mrs. Poppy Peanut fly forever free, wagging her little tail on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge! May the love and beautiful memories she gave you whilst sharing her Earth experience with you, comfort you at this time. Sending you love and big hugs!
 
Izaak added:

I responded to Izaak: I know it's true dearest friend... I will see her and all my other pets and friends and family again someday. The receptionist at the Vet’s gave me a whole lot of stuff like this to read to help me through the grieving, but I have not had the courage to look at it... I did read this one though and of course... blubbing again! If anyone understands this pain, I know for sure you do. I love you so much.
 
I know for sure that Poppy must be so happy to be with her other friends again, Woody and Mr. Dudley Peanut... When I stop to imagine her JOY and being free of her pains and sufferings, my own pain lifts a little and I am left with the hope and belief that I will see her and them all again someday
 
Thursday, 29 August at 09h02
Last night I just felt so unsettled... totally alone in this house for two nights since Poppy left us, (nobody’s shoulder to lean on during my time of grief) while my youngest son has been house/dog sitting for my second son and family. Strangely I was not afraid to be so alone... I was just so cut off that it was as if I just didn't even care... but still couldn't get to bed early... like... I had nobody to tuck in or say goodnight to! HUMPH!
 
The big space next to my bed was eerily empty where Poppy used to be at night, on her big pillow wrapped up in her blanket … I felt perplexed and uncomfortable without her there.  At night when I used to wake up for the bathroom, I’d always check on her to see that she was covered and warm… I can’t do that anymore… there’s NOTHING there… just a big empty space in my room and a hole in my soul in the shape of my Poppy…
 
Took 1/4 sleeping pill again and finally fell asleep around 23h30... woke at around 06h30, so I got enough sleep! No usual sounds here to wake me up... nobody to feel responsible for... not even me!
 
Still so sad and crying on and off, so I invited a helper and Shem to come work here today, because I knew I needed company and distraction from my own emotions to get past this...
 
When the helper arrived, I was a bucket of tears... just so relieved to see someone... but she basically told me to get over myself and get on with life... and so I did! 
 
My tears can only be shared with those who would understand the depth of them.  My mother used to beat us and beat us and beat us, whilst screaming abuses at us, until we STOPPED crying… (“You want something to cry about!  I’ll give you something to cry about!” BANG! BANG! BANG!) We learned to shut off our crying voices… to cry on the inside only!  Tears would still overflow, but if you didn’t see the tears, you wouldn’t know we were still crying… we even learned how to hold our SOBS! … to hold our breathing!
 
The helper managed to trigger that side of me… the beaten Patty side of me.  In an instant, all the outward crying was sucked down that dark porthole of the past, back into the suffocating captivity of my mother’s abuse… INSTANTLY… no more crying… dissociating into that safe place to satisfy mother… just to stop her beating me! 
 
I let her win again!
 
The helper wasn't being nasty... she was being nurturing in her own way, so it's okay.  I knew she was just doing her best from her (? hardened) perspective on life and grieving, etc. 
 
I literally shut  my tears off instantly and stood in front of the fish tank staring blankly at the fish… she came up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder… “Look at your fish” she said, “You still have those and your garden outside”… Of course, she was right about that.  I love my garden especially.
 
BUT I ALSO NEEDED TO GRIEVE!
 
Shem should come soon, and my youngest son also, because my daughter in law is back from her business trip now, so I should get through today okay and will have my youngest son here tonight to say goodnight to... things should get better now…
 
Sharing with my Facebook friends, I continued…
In tears, I just took Mrs. Poppy Peanut's bowl, mattress and all her left-over tinned food and crunkles to the dustbin raider, Winston, for his Alsatian dog, Seuntjie (little boy, in Afrikaans). Man I love that dog; he and Winston are both so gentle natured... Winston looks like a little bushman. Seuntjie accompanies him on his dustbin raiding days and he's such a chilled out, friendly dog... of course, he ran up to me for his usual loving petting and I burst into tears, thinking that he would not see Poppy again on their Thursday visits to our street. I think she enjoyed the encounter, although she'd never have admitted it if she could speak!
 
Thank you to all my dear friends, who I feel safe and comfortable enough to share my tears freely with... thank you for not giving up on me when I do... I love you all so much 💖
 
I once wrote:
 
The Bin-Raider
© All rights reserved
 
Yes!
I dig through your garbage
So I can survive
To keep my family and I alive.
I dig through ‘your’ rubbish
To find ‘our’ treasures
I dig through your gunk
To make use of your junk.
I do what I must
Cos my bank is bust
There are holes in my pockets
And air in my wallet.
Jobs are scarce
I do not have skills
There’s no money to pay
Our monthly bills.
So I fill up my trolley
With what you throw away
That my family and I live
To see a new day.
 
~ Panayiota
(05 December 2013)
 
Hermè: I know I am not the only friend of yours who has cried with you in the past and who has cried over Mrs. Poppy Peanut and your grieving for her now... We are here for you.
I am touched by the story of Winston and Seuntjie, and the poem. I hate that people are homeless or out on the streets having to do this to survive, but it is heartwarming that these two souls are there for each other, helping each other through a difficult life. So often a dog makes all the difference. Hope your day will be blessed. Much love and big hugs
 
Panayiota: I love you dearest Hermè... I often feel guilty for dragging my friends into my sorrows... or for causing you tears too... sometimes I withdraw from FB for days when I feel that things are too negative to impose on you all anymore, than I have already... yet at the same time, I value your LOVE and your beautiful PRESENCE so much... That you would stay so close during times like this, even if it is hurting you too. There are some hurts that I just KNOW that I cannot bear alone, so I thank you with all my heart for bearing them with me... God bless you and my other dear and steadfast TRUE FRIENDS here always 💖 💖 💖
 
Mandy: Lots of love and hugs Panayiota 💖 Thank you for sharing Mrs. Poppy Peanut with us. Thank you for being real and relatable 💖 May angels attend you today X xxx
 
Debbie: I so love reading your posts, I am grateful Heavenly Father has allowed me to be part of your life
 
I found myself deep sighing a lot after Poppy went to her Heavenly sleep… as if my lungs were trying to remember how to breathe properly… that has happened before when I was moving home in 2012… for months I found myself deep sighing like that.  I researched it and found out that it has something to do with depression… can’t remember.  I do know that I breathe differently for days when I’m sad and depressed… I also found that I was experiencing heart palpitations (like a dull bubble-popping feeling in my chest) a lot for a few days after Poppy left me and I think that also has something to do with the poor breathing patterns that set in during sad times… maybe someone else has answers for me… I don’t have time to go research this now. 
 
I developed bronchitis also while Poppy was ill, and on the 29th, it was so bad, my tight, wheezing chest kept me awake!  It’s almost two weeks later now and although it’s getting better, my chest is still tight and I’m still having coughing spasms.  I hope it will heal soon.  My daughter brought me a humidifier to use and I bought myself some natural antibiotics… using Vicks also, etc.  Just doing my best to avoid doctors… but bronchitis makes me exhausted! 
 
I just want to sleep… I guess depression does that too!  During the day of the 29th, I also experienced a moment in time where the urge to hurt myself reared its ugly head again, but I kept myself busy… couldn’t concentrate on my work well… I felt very restless… I found myself doing a little work, then getting up and doing something else either in the house or in the garden… I had to keep dragging myself back to my work, because there was lots to do… I had to do it! 
 
Poppy and my daughter had the most beautiful and beloved relationship 

​“Mommy Poppy” staring adoringly at her human daughter.
 
On the day after Mrs. Poppy Peanut went to her Heavenly sleep, my daughter wrote on my Facebook page.
 
“I'm so proud of you for going with her. She must have felt so much love and safety with you there. I'm sure she is running around with Woody and Dudley now like a puppy again ❤️ I will miss her.”
 
Many years ago, when Mrs. Poppy Peanut and Mr. Dudley Peanut were learning about the birds and the bees, Poppy fell pregnant with two little puppies.  One a little short-haired brown girl named Bella who looked just like her daddy and went to live with a friend of ours, while the other was a beautiful long-haired dachshund with a mix of colours from both his mommy and daddy.  Chester Peanut was the most beautiful little dog ever, with so much character.

​Chester Peanut as a puppy and later when he grew up.  We loved him so much!
 
Heavily pregnant, Mrs. Poppy Peanut was sleeping in my daughters bed the night she went into labour.  My daughter woke up feeling wetness in her bed and reaised that Poppy was giving birth.  She lifted Poppy onto her bed on the floor, only to realise, she’d lifted at the same time, the little brand newborn puppy (Chester), still hanging from his chord.  My daughter called me and we were able to be together as Poppy sorted out Chester and then gave birth to Bella.  We believe that from that day, Poppy thought that my daughter was one of her puppies too… she had somehow imprinted on her during her birthing process in the bed. 
 
It was the most incredible thing to witness through all the years since, how much Poppy loved my daughter.  When they were together, Poppy would be all over her, nuzzling her and wanting to get as close as she possibly could.  We’d laugh at how much Poppy worked to “nurture” her relationship with my daughter… so much so, that I often said that she was my daughter’s, “other mother”… it was so beautiful to see how much she loved her… and of course, my daughter loved her very much also. 
 
I honoured and loved Poppy even more, for sharing the great love of my daughter with me, so there was that added sadness and sense of loss when she had to go… I knew that I’d miss her a lot more as a result. 
 
When we were forced to move home in 2012, we tried to find homes for all our dogs, because we did not have a new home yet to move into and believed that there was no way we could bring them with us to our new area.  It was the most agonizing time of my life… a seriously hard, lonely and traumatic journey!   
 
Sadly, our lovely Chester Peanut was the first to go, and on the last day in our old home, I’d still not found homes for our other three dogs… I was going to have to have them put down, but my second son phoned around quickly and by some Miracle, managed to find a wonderful kind family who said they’d take care of our dogs for us until we were settled and if possible, until we knew we would be able to have them back.  Tracy and Deryn and their family took care of them, for three  months… I will NEVER forget what they did for us, because we were finally able to find a home where our three remaining dogs were allowed to be with us and that on its own was truly a Miracle for which I will be forever grateful.

Dear old Woody and Mr. Dudley Peanut relaxing on my youngest son’s lap.
 
I would like to end off Mrs. Poppy Peanut’s story with something beautiful that happened the day after she’d gone to her Heavenly Sleep…
 

The Miracle of the Blue Butterfly
 
28 August 2019 ~ The day after Mrs. Poppy Peanut went to her Heavenly sleep, my youngest son popped in for an hour or two around midday.  He had been housesitting for my 2nd son, and needed to go back, but decided to spend some time with me, because he knew I was hurting.
 
While he was here, I walked to the back door, about to open the security gate to go out into the garden, when I noticed the most beautiful big blue and black butterfly.  It looked just like the big yellow lime butterflies we see flying around our lemon tree every year, but instead of black with yellow markings, this one was black with beautiful blue markings on its wings… I’d never seen a blue one before, so I was fascinated by it as it danced around our lemon tree about three meters from where I was standing.
 
I called to my son… “Come quick!  Come see this beautiful butterfly!” … and he ran to the door. 
 
As he got to the door, something most unexpected and incredible happened… The butterfly turned towards us and flew right up to the security gate… danced in front of our faces for a few seconds as if it was trying to speak to us, then turned around and flew away over our garden wall… and that was the last we saw of it. 
 
Immediately, I said, without any doubt whatsoever, “Poppy’s alright.  She found a way to let us know she’s okay.” And my son agreed.  It was one of those magical, mystical, Miraculous moments in time that brought with it a beautiful sense of peace from the other side of the veil.
 
I wanted to know what kind of butterfly it was, so searched the internet and found a picture of one that I remembered it looked like.  I posted it on the Facebook bugs page that I love going through whenever I have time and asked for an ID on it.  But unfortunately, it was not one seen in South Africa… but someone did mention that it could be a Papilio nireus, the green-banded swallowtail… the one we saw was NOT green… we were certain it was blue, so I was very happy to see that it was probably more likely to be the narrow-banded blue swallowtail, or African blue-banded swallowtail butterfly, of the family Papilionidae which is found in Sub-Saharan Africa.  (For more information, see the link below.
 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Papilio_nireus?fbclid=IwAR16YNdLBpr9ldaoGtrDYLSBthQbrWNkjUSTun0hs9B5b6lOOq-Z4-dETAg

Narrow-banded blue swallowtail, or African blue-banded swallowtail butterfly
 
Feeling a longing for more nurturing love to help take away my intense pain over losing Mrs. Poppy Peanut, I mentioned on the page that my dog had died the day before and as a result, I received such a lovely response… but one hater put a laughing face as his response… and for some unearthly reason I can never explain… it did not bother me one little bit… I thought it would have, but it didn’t… so I was amazed about that.  It just felt like it was okay… his opinion could NOT take away my genuine feelings of love for my little dog who was no more… or my genuine tears of loss.
 
One woman commented… (I wish I could find the post so that I could add the exact words)… but she said something like:  “Go take a look at the meaning of seeing a blue butterfly.  You will be amazed”… and so I did.  See the link below and the fascinating and most comforting meaning I found on the page.
 
https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1EJFA_enZA794ZA795&ei=z_xnXfPrMoTnxgPmpp2wCw&q=definition+of+blue+butterflies&oq=definition+of+blue+butterflies&gs_l=psy-ab.3...65135.67474..70468...0.2..0.400.2450.2-8j0j1......0....1..gws-wiz.......0i71j0i7i30.BMGG4yMdvpw&ved=0ahUKEwizj-nKv6jkAhWEs3EKHWZTB7YQ4dUDCAo&uact=5
 
The blue butterfly is a symbol of Spirit speaking through transformation and change. In some cultures, spotting a blue butterfly is thought to bring sudden good luck. ... Spotting a blue butterfly means that a wish one makes or made will come true. A blue colored butterfly is often thought to symbolize joy and happiness.
 

• A blue butterfly is often considered as a sign of life.
• But in most cultures, the blue butterfly is a symbol of acceptance, honor, and great energy.
• A blue butterfly can also symbolize the passing of time, change, and meaningful purpose in life.
• Seeing a blue butterfly or holding it can have a calming effect on a person.
• In some part of the world, blue butterflies are rare, so it is considered extremely lucky to observe one.

 
I cannot begin to tell you how much the comforting visit of that beautiful blue butterfly was for me… so much so, that I am aching for a blue butterfly necklace or broach or bracelet with little blue butterflies on… or a blown glass blue butterfly.  I would love to have a blue butterfly for my daughter and for me… it feels somehow like that would be a most comforting connection to my little Poppy…
 
I will be searching everywhere for blue butterfly anything’s from now on… it feels like something I must have… Patricia… Patty… whoever… I feel that it is needed to fill the hole in my soul…
 
I told my little sister who lives in Canada, and she almost immediately WhatsApped me the picture of the blue butterfly that I used at the top of this post… She understands me so well and I feel her comforting, nurturing and caring love deeply at times like this.  If one of us ever has to go, I hope it will be me first, because I don’t think I could do this thing called life without her in this world…
 
I miss Mrs. Poppy Peanut so much… for a few days it was very painful adjusting to her not being here.  When I hung washing, I expected to see her walking around the garden to keep me company… when I went to sleep at night… she was supposed to be lying next to me on her little bed (we had recently bought her a brand new bed too)… when I sat in the lounge, she was supposed to be lying in my arms, etc.
 
Soon after Poppy left us, someone called to ask if I wanted a puppy… I couldn’t absorb that offer, because I was still mourning Poppy’s absence.  For me it’s like if someone’s husband died, calling them to say you’ve got a replacement husband for them… It made no sense to me!
 
Besides, I don’t want to ever go through this again… so no thank you… no more pets for me.  I will take care of my garden lizards… I love those and will make it my goal to get one to eat out of my hand.  They have a lot of character and respond when I call… I also have my fish… at least none of those pine for me when I go out… I don’t have to worry about leaving them at home alone… Poppy hated being alone and I hated leaving her alone… so no thank you… no more…
 
NO MORE… NO MORE PAIN!
 
Why is it that if a human relative or friend dies, people visit and support you at the funeral, etc… but just because Mrs. Poppy Peanut was a dog, there was so much less support… like what the helper basically implied… “just get over it!” 
 
I’m not going to just get over it!  And I’m so grateful for my select few wonderful, loving and understanding FB friends and my beautiful daughter and son in law who were physically there for me… my sisters also from a distance… Other than them and a few others who let me know that they really understood…
 
The long hours learning to be alone at home without Mrs. Poppy Peanut has been truly agonising!
 
Please like my posts even if they are not happy ones.  I want to know that I’m not alone here… that someone took the time to read my loooong posts (sorry about that), and cared enough to share this time with me, in memory of my sweet and loving Mrs. Poppy Peanut…

Thank you.
​
~ Panayiota  

​~ (Caution – this is a very sad post) – I struggled to face and finish this post, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to rest until it was safely recorded and put to rest here.
 
On Facebook ~ Sunday, August 25 at 19h40
 
I wrote:
Please pray for Mrs Poppy Peanut... she’s feeling very ill. Thank you.
 
I received so much support and well wishes from my Facebook friends and I responded
Thank you so much for your TLC everyone. I realised what her problem was by last night and knew that she was going to be okay if she could just get through the night. (NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH!) Her vomiting for two days was indeed as a result of eating chicken skin (she's too old to change up her diet... her diet needs to stay specific, just like mine)… she also has a oesophagus pocket that some older dogs develop where food gets stuck sometimes causing instant regurgitation of any food or water taken in (something we’d managed to get under control on following the instructions from our last visit to the Animal Anti-Cruelty Vet, so she has not had problems with that in ages, but maybe the vomiting caused it to flare up with the pocket filling up again and causing the vomiting)... but unfortunately at the same time the vomiting threw me off completely as to what was really going on with her.
 
A few days before, on Thursday 22nd, in the evening, I gave Poppy a gristly bone to chew on... the white bone and gristly pieces I gather she can no longer digest, so they must have gone through and might have caused her anal-gland abscess to develop a few days later… I don’t know.  (she hadn’t suffered from the anal gland problem in a very long time either, because the Vet showed me what to look out for and what to do about it if it started to brew again).  If I knew that was happening again, I could have helped her before it became too big and painful and nearly killed her… (helping her would involve gloves on each hand and stretching the anus massaging and pulling/pressing both thumbs in the opposite direction to help pop the abscess while it was still small… gross I know, but a simple [momentary painful remedy] for a potentially serious problem.  There is instant relief for the dog once the abscess has popped and drained) Poppy is prone to this abscess, but changing her diet to a regular, moist and more digestible type and finer consistency has helped her so much and she hasn't had the abscess in ages, or the problem with the pocket in her oesophagus.  I also had lifted her food and water onto bricks, so that her neck was always stretched up to straighten her oesophagus when eating and drinking and that, I am sure, helped her a lot also.
 
But, this time, the anal abscess was the worst she's ever had and seriously, it's a wonder she made it!  Late on Sunday 25th, she looked like she was going to die and I was preparing to take her to the emergency Vet, but my youngest son couldn't get off duty early and because I get into a terrible state at the Vet, I do need company and help with going there.  But, by the time I came home from dropping my eldest son off at the airport in the evening, Poppy's abscess had already popped... blood stained fluid everywhere on the blanket she had been lying on, and it had the most terrible smell...
 
Oh my goodness me... so much washing with soap and Sanpic got done over this time that my hands became burnt red and left with tiny sores all over the skin.  We laid the entire house with newspaper, especially for in case she was up during the night with diarrhea and vomiting.  But as had happened previously when we dealt with this problem, once the abscess had popped, she would generally feel a whole lot better and start to heal.
 
I did as much comforting and reassuring her as I could, because I believe that the touch and gentle sound of my voice would help her to relax and she did respond well to all the love. The worst was over with by 1am and we slept until 6am, so I have hopefully had enough sleep to see me through the day, even though I was up for the first half of the night seeing to Poppy as she was still vomiting from time to time.  (so it wasn’t the abscess that was the problem at that point, it was the vomiting… I had to stay up to make sure she vomited on the newspapers and that she was coping… I felt so helpless but did my best to comfort and help her.
 
She's weak this morning, but I can see now that she is much better already. If anyone has ever had an abscess before, you will know how terribly painful they are not to mention the possibility of the infection causing septicemia, etc.... Poor Mrs. Poppy Peanut.... I'm so grateful she survived the night... thank you to anyone who prayed with us for her... <3 <3 <3
 
I wrote a little later
I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do, but I'm scared to feed Poppy this morning because of all the vomiting over, so I've put a tablespoon of Greek yogurt down for her for when she wakes up. I think I will give her another two tablespoons until around lunch time, and if all goes well, then I will give her a little regular mushed food again if she is hungry... I'll keep you all updated... we will keep the newspaper down, until I'm sure she's not puking anymore, but so far so good... no more runny tummy either... abscesses are incredibly painful until they pop... I wish I'd realised it was an abscess sooner. I can usually tell, because her droppings get very skinny and small, but, because of the vomiting and diarrhea, there was no sign of that happening this time... she got a double whammy (the vomiting and diarrhea and the abscess were separate problems she had to deal with)... she won't EVER be getting bones to chew on again!
 
Later
I gave Poppy one small tablespoon of Yoghurt in the morning, but she continued to follow me around and she didn’t look bad at all, so I gathered she was starving… I warmed her regular meal and gave her 1/4 of that... she's just gobbled it down, so let’s see how that goes. I will give her 1/4 of her food throughout the day, but with a small tablespoon of yogurt first each time. It's plain Greek yogurt... so it should be good. 

​Poppy last night about half an hour after My youngest son arrived home, she raised her head for the first time. Usually she'd be running to the door to greet him when he arrives. But it was good to see her raising her head… I felt it was a sign that she was feeling better.  I imagined she was very weak though and just needed time to recover.

​This morning… Poppy has a comfy bed to lie on in my room but chose instead to lie on the carpet right next to my computer chair where I was working.

​This afternoon, Poppy is still choosing to lie on the carpet next to my desk... she wants to stay close to me... bless her… I keep talking to her and reaching down to love her… she is responding well to my love.  I am feeling hopeful, but at the same time, worried, because she’s been so quiet.  I gather she’s just feeling weak and ill from all the vomiting she had done.  Thankfully that was over with now, so I knew I just had to help her to build her strength up.  She had been drinking well, but today, she was a little too still and quiet.  No strange breathing, nothing… she looked so relaxed, but I was worried.
 
Later (keeping my friends on Facebook updated)
Poppy has eaten two small meals today so far and a little yogurt am... she's looking a little uncomfortable right now... so just waiting to see what happens, but hopefully she's still okay. Maybe just a little sore. Even a popped abscess hurts... and maybe a little tummy ache too. I'm giving her lots of loves which she's enjoying.
 
I picked her up and took her outside for the toilet… she did a massive wee, so I knew she was drinking enough water… so, I gathered she was just uncomfortable, only because her little bladder must have been really full and she was feeling too weak to bother going outside on her own.
   
Tuesday, August 27 at 02h14
I've been up most of the night. Mrs. Poppy Peanuts abscess must have managed to seal itself again... so she was in a lot of pain and the occasional groaning noise she made told me so. I had to stay awake because I knew the stinky mess was coming and she had started vomiting again, so she needed me and I also needed to be awake to contain the messes… to make sure she was always on a towel or newspaper if vomited or if the abscess burst.
 
(I did my best to help burst the abscess… did what the Vet had taught me to do and did what helped me once when I had a problem with abscesses.  I ran a clean rag under warm water and squeezed it out.  Used it to wash her tail end, but also held it against her skin there, hoping it would help with releasing the abscess.  I think she liked the soothing warmth and attention.)
 
The abscess finally burst at 2am, so hopefully it won't seal itself again. If it does, then I fear it will be time to say goodbye to her because I don't want to see her suffering more.
 
I would need help to do that 😕 my youngest son will only be off duty tomorrow.
 
I hope Poppy and I will be able to sleep soon. I'm so tired and I'm sure she is also... my poor little doggy.  She's already looking calmer and relaxed... thankfully 🙏😴
 
Seeing things in perspective is so important:
Tuesday, August 27 am
 
The new helper that my sister’s helper had introduced me to came today to help clean up after my hectically wonderful weekend with my eldest son and the three children here, and it was before they were gone that Poppy started to show signs of not being too well, so I really needed help by today.
 
Anyway, she came on a sad day for me as I started to realise the inevitable, so there's been tears and she must have heard me crying on the phone when I was talking to my daughter about Poppy and the agonising prospect of having her put down.
 
Next thing, I hear this dreadful sound coming from the lounge... sounded like people having a fighting fit... screaming and shouting... like the horrid sound of my old neighbours fighting the other day. I realised it was coming from the helper’s phone and, (horrified), I went through and asked her what it was all about and she told me that it was a preacher... praying or speaking about Lazarus... I think she said... I told her it sounded like people fighting... it was very loud!  Then I went into my room and shut the door so that I could block the noise of it all.  I mean, if you want to get me going, start any religious pushy stuff around me...!
 
But... (surprisingly) instead of being highly annoyed, I tried to get perspective on what had just happened... She had heard me crying on the phone and wanted to share the only comfort she must know... her kind of church stuff... what she believes in... what is meaningful to her... she wanted to share the love she holds dear, to help me get through my pain...
 
So, instead of my usual highly allergic reaction to religious pushing... I felt her love and care; she was only trying to help me to feel better.
 
Of course, I hope I never have to hear that loud and unholy (in my opinion) noise in my house again, but for today, I am very grateful for this lady's beautiful gesture of love and compassion.
 
Before she left, I asked her what her preacher was talking about... I felt I owed her that… she said, about "crossing over"... I thanked her for sharing that with me.
 
August 27 at 10h44 ~ I wrote on my Facebook timeline
 
I love you all... thank you for being here... I'm totally teary this morning... tiredness and sadness... Poppy and I finally slept between after 3am and just before 7am when I woke. She's totally relaxed and wiped out right now... sleeping...
 
I'm struggling in-between... “Do I let her go, or prolong her life and struggles?”  She does have arthritis, a huge tummy hernia, aging teeth, some clouding in her eyes, a pocket in her oesphagus and the anal abscess thing (all that the Animal Anticruelty Vet wouldn’t do anything about, only instructing me as to how to help her each time a problem surfaced with these).  “Is it fair to keep her alive?” ... I just don't know... so sad... I really don’t want to let her go and I don’t want her to suffer either.
 
Just some of my friends’ responses
Hermè:  Only you can make that decision my friend. There is no easy answer; this is a terrible time for you. Give her all the cuddles and love - she will tell you.  God bless, Panny. Love you lots ♥️
 
Jukka: I am so sorry for the pain you both are going through. These situations in life are those in which being responsible is almost unbearable. Much love ❤️
 
Panayiota: Yes Jukka, you hit the nail on the head. I could pull her through this time, as I've done before (although it's never been this bad before)... but there will still be the next time... and the next... so, I'm struggling... it's a real dilemma... what is the responsible choice... (what's about her needs... what's about my extreme fear of losing her)... “Do I have her put down, or… prolong her life?”, because when she is happy in-between, she's happy enough and even still has puppy moments when she’s well, where she dances in circles when she's hungry and I’m coming towards her with her bowl of food.  I hate making this choice... it's hurting so much... too much! But when it comes to true love... it's her that must come first... not me and my broken emotions over it all... I have to put her first... but still thinking about it.  She won't eat this morning, but she did just lap up some chicken stock... Oh man... I've got such a headache!
 
Jukka: I wish I could help you. Whatever you do comes from a loving heart. She knows that, he is wise. Please try to get some rest, some detachment and perspective. There is meaning to be found, even in this heart-breaking situation. As I just read somewhere, sometimes the meaning stands out from the background and you just see it. Sometimes you have to be open and attentive to see it.
 
Helen: So sorry Pannie-Pie, my heart goes out to you. Only you can decide what to do with poor Mrs. Poppy Peanut. Love and hugs ❤
 
Brie: Auntie Pan, we are praying and thinking about you! We love you so much and Mrs. Poppy. Hugs!💔💔💔
 
I registered to do a Sacred Dying Doula course recently, and so, in my desperation, I contacted the course leader to ask her what she would do.  She said that it would be best to let Mrs. Poppy Peanut go.  I guess I knew that already, but just needed to hear that from someone else so that I didn’t have to feel so broken about making the decision on my own. 
 
I wrote later… 
Poppy Peanut was walking a little this morning and even wagging her tail when I talked to her. She only managed to drink two small portions of chicken stock, but is refusing food...laying down weakly all the time... next to me... she wants to be close to me... I think she might die quietly in the night if I keep her here. There are no signs of much life... if I call she lifts her head and stares me in the eye for a few moment, otherwise she's just lying there... no strained breathing... nothing... just totally wiped out. I've just asked if my youngest son can try get off of work so we can take her to her peace-sleep 😭 I keep stroking her and telling her how much I love her and thanking her for all the gentle and unconditional love she's given to me over the years (my Sacred Dying Doula trainer also suggested that I do this)... My head is splitting so sore from the stress and crying all day... it's her time... the decision is made... I'm totally heartbroken... Thank you to all who have walked with me on this one... I needed you... thank you so much for your understanding love… I love you all.

Picture by Marihet Hamman
 
My youngest son had not gotten back to me yet… I took Poppy out for a wee.  She did a big one again, so I felt she was doing okay as far as water hydration went, although I was a little worried about her electrolyte balance after all the vomiting… I believed it was what was causing her to be so weak.  The strange thing was, that when I put her down outside, she walked around normally, sniffing the ground.  I felt confused and unsure about how ill she really was, but my intuition told me she was very ill… she had, had enough… it was her time… I could not put it off another moment… I loved her too much to cause her to suffer anymore.
 
Not knowing if my son was going to come or not, I felt helpless… I lay on the floor next to Poppy who I had encouraged to go lie on her big pillow next to my bed when she came in.  Her back was against my chest and I felt us breathing together.  She was so relaxed, but also so happy to have me lying next to her on her pillow.
 
I kept bursting into tears… as I’d done all day anyway, but now I could hear my real crying voice… not the one that is always trapped and wailing on the dungeon walls inside.  That’s Patty’s trapped voice… she was never allowed to cry with a voice… mother would beat her until she shut up completely… so for Patty, only tears can escape, but no crying voice. 
 
It’s not often I hear my own crying voice… it’s foreign to me… I have decided that it is definitely Patricia’s voice… Patricia must have found a way to cry out aloud… maybe when she was alone in the stables with the horses or when being raped by her stepfather… maybe she heard her own voice then… but I am certain, it was Patricia’s voice I heard whilst lying next to Poppy. 
 
I kept trying to stop it, because I didn’t want to upset Poppy… so I’d speak to her sweetly, telling her I love her so much and thanking her for her love… and all the while, she was stretching her little face back into mine and nuzzling my face with hers… something she always did when she was feeling totally content and secure in my love… usually in the evenings when I stopped work and went to sit with her on my lap in the lounge.  She was behaving so “normal and well” while I lay next to her, just stroking her and the two of us absorbing as much love together as we could.
 
Next thing, my phone rang… it was my youngest son at the gate… he’d arrived unexpectedly and the inevitable was about to happen.
 
 
Tender Mercies and comforting Miracles
I left Poppy on her pillow to go and open the gate for my son… when I turned around outside, Poppy was right there behind me, ready to greet my son with her wagging tail.  I was stunned… how would he ever believe me that she had shown so little signs of life all day long.  But we both remembered how the same thing had happened when we took Mr. Dudley Peanut to the Vet to be put down when it was his time to leave us… as he was going out of the door that day, he was suddenly looking as healthy as can be…
 
Was this Heaven’s blessings to help us through these horrible times… I had to believe it was, because it was the same thing that happened with Dudley that was happening with Poppy now.  We nearly changed our minds, but we agreed that we could not put her through what she had been through already, ever again... we knew that it was her time and we had to let her go...
 
I feel so relieved to know that she will never have to suffer like that again… it was the hardest decision ever, but I believe it was the right one for her...
 
Before leaving the house to go to the Vet, I took a rescue tablet and a panado, because my head was throbbing so very sore! 

​Angel Wings
I climbed into the car… my head pounding painfully… my heart tearing apart even more… My son picked Poppy up off of the lawn where she was sniffing the grass and put her on my lap and drove us to the Vet.  

As we traveled towards the Vet, a short distance from our home, a car drove in front of us all the way, and my son and I were both touched to see a picture of angel wings stuck on their back window… Under the picture was written:  In memory of my loving son.  I don’t know what it was about that, but we took it as a sign that we were not alone with our pain… someone else shared the pain of loss with us, they would understand.  Heaven sent us this sign to comfort us… I will never forget those angel wings… not the same as the picture I’ve shared, but that doesn’t matter… It was that beautiful moment in time… a light shining in the darkness of our pain that will always count most.  Heaven was with us.
 
Goodbye Mrs. Poppy Peanut
When we arrived at the Vet, I was losing it completely, because my sadness was so deep and I was crying so much… I could not keep my crying voice in… my head felt as though it would explode… The receptionist and a mother and daughter client inside, were so kind and helped me to stay reasonably calm, but the tears kept flowing and continued to sob quietly.  I can’t remember anything they said, other than, that “The dog-owner is often filled with guilt when they bring their dog to be put down…” I wasn’t feeling guilty at all, so I remembered that.  I remember the mother coming and putting her hand on my shoulder to comfort me… A man came through with his son and a dog… I think… I can’t remember seeing a dog, but there must have been… and he said something kind to me.  I felt comforted by his words… but I don’t remember what he said.  My son thinks he said, “All dogs go to Heaven”…
 
Through his quiet tears, my son Andrew commented… “Shew mom, your toes are blue!”… I looked down… they were indeed.  I guess the upset and sobbing was depleting my oxygen… I wasn’t breathing properly… 
 
Poppy lay between my youngest son and I, looking around as if interested in all the goings on… The Vet came to take Poppy to prep her for her final injection… I wasn’t happy to be separated from her, but he explained that it was better for both the owner and the dog… then he called us in. 
 
She was standing quietly on the table… I wrapped left arm under her chin and around her, pulling her against my chest and the other arm stroking her head and back while I did my best to reassure her that she was safe and not alone.  Tears streaming down my cheeks, I KNEW that I was doing the right thing for Poppy… my youngest son stood right next to me… he had been crying also.  The Vet leaned forward and injected into the thing he’d put into her leg earlier… I couldn’t see what he was doing… thank Heavens… it happened so fast… she just lay down in my arms so peacefully and fell asleep.  It was done so gently… so right… I asked him if it was over and when he said yes, I thanked him with such a deep and overwhelming sense of gratitude (and a bucket of tears)… he shook our hands and then gently took Poppy in his hands.
 
Poppy went to sleep tonight, and she is no longer suffering... of course, I'm heartbroken, but it was harder to see her suffering than it will be to learn to live without her... I believe I will see her again.
 
Some comments (there were many, but this post is already too long so I’m only posting a few)
 
Brie: I'm so sorry! Love you Auntie. 😢😢
 
Vee: Aw my friend, my heart breaks for you 😭 it's one of the hardest things in the world to say goodbye to a fur kid 😭 please stay with her till the end, if you can. Best for her to go in your presence, it's incredibly difficult for an owner but she gave so much love and loyalty for so many years, please try not to let her go alone. Sending big hugs and strongs 💖
 
Panayiota: I stayed with her dearest Vee... it was so healing for me to do so... one of the bravest things I ever did and I'm so grateful now that I did. It's the first time ever that I found the courage to do that.  She fell asleep in my arms so peacefully... she knew she was loved and protected right until the very end… Lots of love to you
 
Vee: Panayiota, so sorry for your loss 💔 you are a wonderful person, so glad she went on her way in your loving arms ❤️ love you always 💖
 
Mrs. Poppy Peanut was my constant companion and my most valued daily source of unconditional love… and now she was gone… UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN 💖
 
To be continued…
 
~ Panayiota

Started about two weeks ago and only finished now:
 
My eldest son is going through another transition.  His work is moving him to another city far away, so he moved out of his old home at the end of July and moved in with my youngest son and I for two weeks. 
 
Our house is small… so it was hectic with all his stuff here, but somehow, we made it all fit in the lounge area while he sorted through it and decided what to take with and what to leave.  So, we were comfortable.  I also emptied two large drawers for him to use.  It’s all a long story, but to keep it really short and to the point (which is usually impossible for me), I just wanted to write about what a blessed time it was to have him here and to share such lovely moments with him.
 
I can remember the years of experiencing mother-agony, when he was so lost as a result of the abuses, tragedies and losses he experienced as a child.  Judgments and lack of understanding love from the world added to his sufferings and made things so much worse.  He withdrew from not only the world, but even from me.  During that time of separation from my son, I suffered deeply… and the longing for my son’s love to return to me added to deep guilt that I suffered for not being able to spare him from the abuse and struggles he had faced as he was growing up, no matter how hard I tried (and I did indeed try so hard).  I truly suffered the most agonising constant and unbearable anguish while our hearts were separated as a result of his difficult childhood. 
 
I wrote many poems expressing the pain I bore over all those years… one of them below: 
 
LOST... UNTIL “ETERNITY”
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
So much sorrow in knowing I cannot fix our love
To the way that it was before
To the days when you’d sing to me: “Mother of Mine”,
And I’d sing to you: “Ben”.
 
So much terrible pain fills the void between then and now
So much genuine love we shared then
LOST!  Lost somewhere... somehow
Lost in the darkest foreboding forest...
The one I used to know
The one I visited when I was a child
 
So, if anyone understands... sadly, I do!
A very lonely, hurting place where love and trust are trapped
With seemingly no possible escape!
No hope for a sunrise tomorrow
No hope in a genuine embrace... like before
No hope in ever knowing the truth again
The unconditional love we once shared
Lost forever… here, in this desolate place.
 
And so, I know all that is left is for me to hold on
For Eternity
That beautiful place
The only promise that still exists
On the other side of this awful tormenting divide
There, one lovely day... to meet you again
My son
A mother’s love that won’t ever give up
A loving memory returned and understood completely
To trust once again in our love... mother and son
I will endure for that day I know will come
Where this horrible pain can no longer destroy...
 
UNFAILING HOPE
DIVINE HEALING
TRUST RESTORED
HEAVEN’S LOVE
 
NO MORE TEARS
REJOICE!
 
~ Panayiota
(March 2013)
 
One thing that Life could NOT take away from me was my love for my son.  And I knew from my own experience, that only TRUE and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE could ever lift the curse that had so cruelly torn us apart. 
 
I wrote:
 
ONLY LOVE CAN LIFT THE CURSE!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
He doesn’t want people to know him,
For he no longer knows himself,
He doesn’t want people to feel for him,
Because he no longer feels much for himself!
 
He doesn’t want people to celebrate for him,
For he celebrates not for himself,
He doesn’t want people to love him,
For he doesn’t love himself!
 
Don’t live for him; don’t die for him,
Don’t even exist for his life,
For he’s no longer living or dead,
And he doesn’t exist for himself!
 
He denies that he has a problem,
Yet he struggles in a lonely place,
Where he’s tried to rub out his own feelings,
And has even erased his own face!
 
Don’t hate him for who he’s becoming,
You will only make things so much worse!
Love him regardless, I beg of you,
For Only Love can lift the curse!
 
~ Panayiota
(8 June 2000)
 
And so, I never, ever gave up on loving my son and believing in his beautiful spirit… the spirit I recognised in him when he was just a little boy.  Over the years of my anguish, I hid my tears and pain from him and kept contact by regularly sending brief (unemotional) message via WhatsApp or SMS mostly… just a “Hello… Have a happy day… Lots of love, Mom” kind of message.  
 
I followed through with this for years and in so doing, I proved my absolute truth… that Only Love can lift any curse… because it did!  I have my son back today.  I have his trust and his love.  We are able to have long, deep philosophical conversations on a level of mutual understanding and connection. 
 
I ache now, only because of those who still reject, judge and condemn him negatively and continue to project their negative curses onto him.  If only, they could see him in the way I do, they wouldn’t dare add to his struggles with their neglectful and hurtful judgments.  They would do all in their power to spend more time with him.  To accept and acknowledge his uniqueness and true worth in such a way as to strengthen him and lift him from all that has hurt him and held him back and still threatens to continue hold him back today, because that’s what childhood trauma does… it’s a lifelong threat and struggle that does not need to be added to by a harsh and judging world!
 
I was so grateful to my daughter and her husband, and my brother and sister in law and youngest son, all of whom went out of their way to acknowledge my eldest son with their genuine love during his two-weeks stay here.  They also treated his three children with such patient love and accepting goodness when they visited over the weekend.  Acknowledging, accepting and loving his children is also acknowledging, accepting and loving him… just as loving my children and grandchildren is the same as loving me… there’s no half measures or in-betweens.
 
I’ve been questioning love and trust just lately…
My youngest son inherited his deceased dad’s car recently and we asked permission to park it inside our complex.  Our house’s (one car) carport opens onto the road, so we needed to park his car inside for safety.  At a small monthly fee, this was granted.  He was told to park next to an outhouse on the grass.  A couple of times he was shifted to new positions inside the complex by residents, but eventually, he had his parking on the grass against the outhouse wall and all seemed good for quite some time… at least his car was safe at night. 
 
Around the same time as my eldest son came to stay for two weeks while he prepared to move to work in another city, we asked permission to have a gate put into our back wall, so that my youngest son could get to and from his car inside the complex without going all the way around on the street to enter at the main gate.  Everything seemed great, until my eldest son was also given permission to park for two weeks (only two weeks) inside the complex. 
 
My old next door neighbours who I had gotten so close to over time… (shared vegetables, herbs and preserves from my garden on occasions, had friendly chats with, written regular love notes to via WhatsApp), suddenly decided that two cars parked on the grass at the back was just too much!  They did not come to us, but the old lady… “my friend”… went around rallying support from other neighbours to demand that the cars were moved from the grass area and to refuse us a gate in our back wall!  She is someone who is already well-known for causing problems for residents in the complex, but up till now, we’d been (as I imagined), best of friends!  (I refuse to discuss neighbours with other neighbours, so I was never caught up in that. If I had any gripes, I would go only to one member of the body corporate who I’ve gotten to know and as far as I can remember, I only needed to go to her one when our new direct neighbours were crashing into the carport gate we share and causing our wall to split.
 
So, just like that, our dream gate in the back wall was refused and she was suddenly complaining bitterly about the dead grass under my youngest son’s car.  She caused such a palaver, that a kind friend inside the complex… the body corporate lady, invited both my boys to park at her house, just to keep the peace. 
 
I had longed for that back-wall gate ever since I moved here, so that we’d not only would I have access to the park area, but also so that I could get close to some old folk.  When I left my last area in 2012, I left behind a dear old friend, Norma (it will be the memory of her birthday on the 24th).  I love old folk so much.  Recently an old man died in the house directly behind us in the complex… if I had my back wall gate, I believe that I would have spent time with him, and perhaps even have been able to be with him when he died, so that he didn’t have to be alone. 
 
I have since registered and paid to do a Sacred Dying Doula course, because I never want another old person in our complex to die alone.  It might take me a while to complete the course because I have so many other commitments, such as getting my book done, but I have longed to do this course for many years.  I have sat with many a person crossing over the veil during my nursing years and in my personal life and I find it one of the  most sacred blessings to share with another human being… it’s one place where  my nurturing love is totally accepted and appreciated in every way, and where I can feel totally free to give all the love that I can to another human being… it’s very, very special to me.
 
Whatever happens, I am very hurt about yet another loss of what I believed was dear friends next door.  I have decided that I will not go out of my way to get close to anyone in this complex again, because it seems to me that love and friendship can no longer be trusted freely in this world.
 
If anyone is lonely, I will open my door and heart to them if they visit me, but I will avoid getting close to anyone again here otherwise.  So even if the old lady next door ever needs me, I will be there for her, because that’s who I am… but until such time, I will have nothing more to do with her, because she has betrayed my trust and my friendship with her.
 
My eldest son was going through his own struggle over the last two weeks.  Moving away from his children was very painful to him.  For the first week, he shared real tears with me.  I saw when his children (my beloved grandchildren) came to stay the weekend, what a wonderful dad he is.  I saw how much wisdom he used in dealing with an argument they were having and how beautifully they responded to his wise and gentle counsel. 

It hurt me greatly that selfish, judging neighbours had to add to the hurt by putting their patch of grass before friendship and neighbourliness… before love… before caring for another human beings needs… and to shatter our dream of a back-wall gate with such a cutting, wagging, cruel tongue!  YES… I AM HURT!  Friendship meant NOTHING to her… I had thrown my pearls to swine yet again!
 
I will end with this powerful poem
I absolutely love this poem below.  I know that I share the same poems, etc. in more than one post, but those are what are important for me to illustrate what I’m saying on the day I write, and I’m sure not everyone reads all my (mostly long-winded) posts, so I feel it’s okay to repeat where necessary.  I hope you enjoy this one below… it’s beautiful to me.
 
Please Hear What I'm Not Saying
by Charles C. Finn
September 1966
 
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
 
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
 
But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.
 
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.
 
I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.
 
Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.
 
Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.
 
https://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/4080792/jewish/A-Psychotherapists-Shema-in-Auschwitz.htm/fbclid/IwAR2D68KsanIbsYxL_iB5umEJdb9g2Wmdjv4p6VVWDj8rqmdc6qSUaEofcXc#utm_medium=page_tools&utm_content=desktop&utm_source=FB

​https://themighty.com/2017/08/life-impacting-symptoms-of-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/
 
https://themighty.com/2019/03/habits-living-with-complex-ptsd/?utm_source=newsletter_mental_health&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=newsletter_mental_health_2019-08-12&$deep_link=true
 
Thank you for sharing and for all those who read my blog posts.  I appreciate your support very much.
 
~ Panayiota

p.s. GOOD NEWS!
Good news is, that we have had our bathroom makeover done… I can’t wait to share about that.  I need more time to put some pictures together.  We have the most beautiful dream come true bathroom ever now and I am so grateful to my daughter and son in law for overseeing the purchasing choices and work on that… I love them so much!

Unsplash free photo by: M.T ElGassier

In 2009/2010, during the lasts stages of my therapy journey I was searching on FB for anyone who had information about certain people whose names I could remember from my past.  I also wanted to know if my abusive, child molester stepfather was still alive, because, after all the horrific flashbacks I’d experienced in therapy, I strongly felt that he should not be alive to hurt anymore children or destroy any more lives the way he hurt me and messed up my life so much… If he is still alive, he should be in jail… so it haunted me not knowing whether he was dead or alive! 
 
Yesterday, I saw on my Facebook notifications, messages from my mother!  Somehow, she found my posts on some random search page, from so long ago and responded.  She responded as if she was a stranger, even though my name was right there as I had asked the question. 
 
My reaction to seeing her name pop up on the notifications and reading her stranger responses to those three searches I wrote so many years ago, was extremely disturbing to me. 
 
I knew that I needed HELP immediately to process what was going on in my mind and body, because I was having such a strong negative reaction. 
 
There are people even very close family who have always favored my mother and have never believed anything we’ve told them about her, so I could not turn to them for help, so I sent a message to three people who I felt I could trust most to respond in the right way to help me in the moment… another hasn’t visited in a while, so I felt that perhaps he was too busy to reach out to.
 
I messaged in a disjointed way, because that’s how I was feeling
 
“HELP!  Mother contact on Facebook! I feel sick… frightened… shocked!”
 
It was truly a horrible shock for me to see her name pop up.  I did not even know until yesterday if she was still alive.  I think I was in a comfort zone of not knowing anything… because the not knowing anything was better than the KNOWING… the knowing (if she was dead), would have brought too much pain… (and that she was alive) … FEAR! 
 
SHE’S ALIVE!!!  DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!
 
One of the friends mentioned recently that her phone is broken, so I guess she never received my message.  My other friend was very helpful, in just listening and talking me through it. And the third was also very understanding and in acknowledging my fear without any judgment or doubt in what I was telling him, he made so much difference as well.
 
Our conversation after my HELP! message went something like this
 
Me
it’s on another page where you can search for people.  I was looking for people ages ago during my therapy journey.  I can’t believe my reaction… real fear… anger and tears… head tight and heart pounding!  Blood pressure up, I guess! (and very tired… deep sleep escape tired) But I will be okay… 
 
(Typical of me to add the last sentence, because I don’t want the person that I’m sharing with to worry too much after I’ve shared what’s worrying me so much!)
 
Me
My mother disappeared after practically telling me to F off in 2013 (on Mother’s Day when I was reaching out to her with my love).  I didn’t even know if she was still alive… so it was a huge shock!
 
Friend (His acknowledging and non-judgmental response)
Oh my, that must have been an extremely emotional experience – displacement – almost out-of-body
 
Me
IN 2009, I WROTE ON A SEARCHING FOR MISSING PEOPLE PAGE.  SHE MUST HAVE JUST FOUND IT.  RESPONDED LIKE A STRANGER WHO HAD INFORMATION FOR ME… AND I MUST CONTACT HER…
 
Friend
Very, very strange.
 
Me
Horrible beyond words… feeling panicked… even heart palpitations while I’m writing this to you… so I’d better get busy again!  Busy works 😊
 
Friend
And you’re not going to contact her, right?
 
Me
Right now, I can’t answer that… CAN’T BREATHE EITHER!
 
Instant sense of danger… like I’m imagining (intrusive thoughts), that she wants to know where I live so she can organize to kill me.  On the FB page I wrote that I was writing a book about my life and needed to know about or contact certain people…
 
I need my mentor.  I sent her a message, but she’s on Shabbat…
 
MUST WORK!
 
Friend
Well, you’re not in any danger
 
Me
You don’t know my mother… I’ve seen what she is capable of… very vengeful and powerful!!!
 
Friend
She knows nothing about your current life
 
Me
She might know everything!  That’s the scary part… I wonder if she has seen my blog and now wants to silence me… she’s seriously very dangerous…
 
Friend (still acknowledging my fear… which makes him one of my rare True Friends)
You can make a statement at a police station
 
Me
Who would believe me… she’s so clever… so manipulative… scary as HELL!
 
Friend
It would be the craziest story, I promise you.  And you have every right to do it.
 
Me (sent at the same time as he wrote and sent the above)
I think I need to take some Alzam to calm down… talking about her is making it worse.
 
Friend
Yes, do so.  The pill will work inside of 10 minutes
 
Me (in response to his “craziest story” comment)
Haahaahaaa!  Just what the doctor ordered!  You’re the best!  Feeling much better.  Paradoxical intention… you’d make a great logotherapist :D
 
Friend
Seriously though, if you have a genuine fear, lodge a statement and make it known that you have done this and hint as to what it contains
 
Me
Bless you dear friend
 
End of our conversation
 
I know that there are many out there who will not believe the extent of my fears or the reality of them… you never knew our mother like we knew her.
 
Part of me has longed for my mother’s love all my life… but the woman who scares me so much… I cannot let her near no matter what… too much of a threat to my safety (emotional and physical)
 
The only way I could accept her is if she is dying and I could nurse her for her last days here in this world.  I would love to do that for her (for me), to show her what true love really looks and feels like, even if I could never have it for myself from her.  She would not be a danger to me if she was on her death bed, and I could be her nurturing, loving daughter. I wish I could have that opportunity.  But while she lives free to work her dangerous games, I cannot trust her.  I imagine that now that she knows I’m writing a book; she will do everything in her power to manipulate the contents of my book, even by playing the loving mother cards to get what she wants from me.
 
No… I cannot and must not get involved with her now… I cannot trust her EVER!   
 
I made my decision.  I did Like her comments on the Facebook page to acknowledge her “stranger response” to my search.  But I won’t be contacting her.  I blocked her from looking at my Facebook page and that is about the best I can do to protect myself at this stage. 
 
My blood pressure is still up… still heart palpitations and headache… still deep sleep tired and FEAR!!!  Not feeling safe!
 
I don’t expect anyone else to believe me or understand… YOU NEVER LIVED WITH HER! Unless you’ve ever known RAW FEAR as a child… repeatedly over many years, continuing into your adulthood… how could you believe or understand what I was feeling yesterday and what is still haunting me today. 
 
She is very political… she will have contacts!  
 
SHE SILENCED ME ALL MY LIFE… I DON’T CARE HOW OLD SHE IS… SHE CAN AND WILL STILL FIND A WAY TO DO IT IF THAT’S HER PLAN!  MY FEAR IS REAL!
 
Yesterday I kept as busy as I could… my way of dealing with the HORROR inside of me.  I washed and cleaned, watered the garden, swept and washed some more.  Made a cake for my nephew… told my daughter about what had happened when she called, and she came straight over.  She is an incredible support and a true friend. We went to visit my Dad and gave my nephew his cake.  It was a lovely visit and I felt so much better afterwards, but when I came home, I just kept working… started to “cook for the nation”… mixed over 1 kilogram of mince with chopped onions, green peppers, garlic, and herbs… divided it and put rice into half of it for my youngest son.  We had bought a sack of gem squash the day before, so I filled 12 halves… six for my son and six for me and baked them.  They were still hot from the oven when he arrived home at 20h30… I’d only just sat down when he arrived home and even my dishes were washed already by then!  We ate two stuffed gem squash each, and they were delicious… and I packed the rest for the freezer.  The I divided the left-over mix for another meal another day and packed that also. 
 
Visiting and keeping busy helped me to get through yesterday.  The Alzam calming/relaxing tablet I took earlier in the day helped me so much and I even had a good night sleep thankfully. 
 
Thank you for sharing with me… (please Like my posts if you read them, even if they are not happy posts.  It helps me to feel as though I have friends out there walking by my side on my journey and I’m not alone.  I’m grateful for all who acknowledge my posts here… thank you so much)
 
~ Panayiota
 
P.s.  On my Greek Name Day, I went to visit at my dad’s house to celebrate my nephews 19th birthday with them all there.  It was such a lovely time, that it felt just like old times… like everything was back to how it was before, or at least as close as it’s ever going to get and that’s good enough for me right now.  When I arrived home, I was surprised to see that my green balloon was starting to shrivel… I imagined then, that it had done what it came to do… it had given me hope and helped me to hang on for as long as needed, and now it was going to leave me.  I loved that Green balloon and the comforting message of HOPE that it gave me to hold on…

JUST HOLD ON… THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE, NO MATTER WHAT.

I realised yesterday, that it’s easy to say things about what you believe and to believe things that you say, but it’s not always easy to live up to everything you profess to say or be.  TO WALK THE TALK!
 
I believe that Life tests us on our own beliefs to teach us and show us exactly where we “actually” stand in relationship to what we say and what we say we believe!  It’s up to us to respond to the tests that Life brings to us in whichever which way we feel best at the time and to accept the consequences or gifts that come from the results of our responses.
 
Yesterday I was tested
Anyone who lives in this country, knows how annoying beggars can be.  And entertaining a beggar is downright dangerous also!  If we stop to talk to someone at our driver’s window, it could be a distraction, for a thief sneaking up on the other side of the car, to break the passenger side window and steal a bag.  Practically every red robot that we stop at has beggars approaching the cars.  We have hijackings to fear too.  And if we give to a beggar who comes to our gate, there’s that chance that they take advantage of the fact that we are a giver, they might then keep coming until they totally wear us down, or become a danger to us, our family, our belongings, our pets (poisoning), etc.  That’s the truth about how it is in South Africa, so very often we avoid beggars to protect ourselves, our pets and our property.  Sometimes we even avoid acknowledging them by totally ignoring someone who comes to our car window, until they go away. 
 
I Just remembered a past test and its consequence while I was writing this
I always taught my children to at least smile at a beggar, or to say hello and politely say, “No thank you”… but, one day I was in a big hurry to get somewhere, and as we arrived at the robot, a beggar came close to my window and I immediately shewed him away with my hand.  As I did so, my car stalled and died!  Without being able to restart it, I then had to ask that same beggar for help and pay him!  I laugh about it now, but at the time, I learned a big lesson.  I had not walked my own talk and had to explain this to my children… a big lesson learned for by us all that day!
 
The old beggar
Anyway, yesterday I arrived home from collecting some printing that I needed to pack for a student’s study pack.  I noticed an old African lady walking past my house on the street.  As I drove into my driveway, I noticed her turning back towards my car.
 
Oh NO!  I thought immediately.  I was in a hurry to get the student’s study pack off; I didn’t need this nonsense now! 
 
As she approached my window, I felt annoyed and barely opened it (subconsciously protecting myself).  She started to speak… told me how she was struggling to feed her grandchildren and how she had gone to SASSA (government grants) the day before and…
 
Well, I couldn’t hear what she was saying, because I immediately noticed that she was struggling to speak… choking on her welling tears!  Real tears. 
 
I immediately felt compassion… especially as she mentioned SASSA… I know how horrible and dehumanizing that place can feel!  I opened my window fully and looked her in the eyes… in that moment, I wanted her to know that I was now with her… I was listening to her plea.  She had my full attention.
 
She quickly wiped her tears away and tried to speak, but I still wasn’t getting what she was trying to say and her tears just kept flowing.  I told her I’d bring her some bread and said she could wait by the tree outside my yard. 
 
I drove into my carport, and in those few seconds, everything changed inside of me… I felt a strong call, to live my thoughts and walk my talk!
 
So, before closing the gate, I asked her if she’d like to come inside and she did.
 
I invited the old woman into my home and got her to sit comfortably in my lounge.  She chose my chair with all the comfy cushions on it… it must have looked irresistible to her and I felt happy about that.  I offered her tea and she accepted.  I gave her tea and rusks and while she was enjoying that, I made sandwiches, which she said she’d rather take home for the children.  Used almost the whole loaf of bread that was left over after making my youngest son sandwiches for work in the morning. 
 
I chatted with the old lady whilst packing her sandwiches, and a bottle of cooldrink, and some biscuits, some tissues for her tears (which had now dried, but, should she need them somewhere else), a few vegetables, etc. I also took the only money I had in my bag, R10 and a small pile of change.  I found a nice big material shopping back to put all the stuff into, so that she could hold everything more easily. 
 
She asked me for one thing only while I as doing this for her… she asked if I had any soap for her.  (Thinking about that now, makes me want to cry for her… bless her).  So, of course, I gave her soap… a whole lot of what I could spare and even one of my new Dove bars.
 
Before she left, I asked if she needed the bathroom, pointing at my own… which she did.  I was coming out of my bedroom as she was coming out of the bathroom.  I could see the most incredible gratitude in her eyes… a beautiful smile on her face… she reached out to touch me on my shoulder while she was thanking me.  I had the impression she wanted to hug me.  I saw her to the gate… I had thought about that hug on the way to the gate and did not want to deny it.  I reached over to touch her on the shoulder as she was about to leave… and in that  moment, all fear, all colour, all separation fell away… it was a totally beautiful and spiritual moment as we both embraced and she kissed me on my neck, saying she was going to tell her children about today and thanked me over and over as she walked away with her bag full of goodies.
 
A MOST BEAUTIFUL MOMENT IN TIME!
 
She could have been my mother
Something crossed my mind that made the whole situation that much more special for me personally, as I imagined, that that dear old lady, could have been my mother… she was certainly someone’s mother… someone loves her.  Why should an old lady like that, at least in her 70’s or 80’s, I was sure, have to be walking the streets and begging for help.  Breaks my heart to even think about what she is going through to survive. 
 
My mother knew that I hated being kissed on the neck!  I really hated it so much… so she’d always do it to me and think it was funny!
 
I realised that the little old lady kissed me on the neck, because she was so short and she wanted to leave her loving kiss behind for me.
 
But, was it a coincidence only… or was it a part of the beautiful gift I received yesterday as I imagined that this dear old lady, could easily have been my mother too. 
 
Life surely does have a way of testing us and I pray that I passed my test.
 
I realise that by speaking about it, I deprive myself of further blessings… but I had to share this story with you all… I wanted to share about “Walking the talk”, because I feel it is such an important message at this time… and I also wanted to share about “Life tests”… So, yes, I might have deprived myself of any further blessings, but at the same time, I am totally satisfied with the blessings I received already yesterday, by doing the right thing, according to my own conscience and spiritual dimension working together for good.  It was my moment… it was the old lady’s moment… it was a TRULY SACRED moment where the TRUE and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE I always speak of was shared between two human beings… strangers… spiritual sisters… even a beautiful image and moment in time, of a loving mother and nurtured/nurturing child.
 
I am reminded of the bible verse:
 
Hebrews 13:2 ~ King James Version (KJV)
“Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.”
 
I truly felt as though I’d been touched by an angel yesterday.  I felt as though, in some strange and miraculous way, I was able to give my own mother the love I’ve always longed to give freely to her.  I am sure my own mother is still alive… but who knows.  I dread the day someone calls to let me know she’s died.  I think that will be too painful for me to bear, because it will mean, that all hope of ever having my mother’s love will be forever gone from this worldly existence.  As things are now, I guess that in reality, all I have left to hope in as far is she is concerned, is that there will come a time when I get to Heaven also, and that somehow… some way, things will all be sorted out then and I will at last, have the true and loving relationship I’ve always longed for with my mother.  A part of me feels resentful about all the years she deprived this child (me) of her mother’s love… but I do believe that even those resentments will be sorted out in Heaven… all things will be sorted out and will come right there.
 
“How should I have interpreted such a “coincidence” other than as a challenge to live my thoughts instead of merely putting them on paper?” (Frankl, 2008, p.119) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning
 
Feeling the LOVE!
 
Thank you for sharing this beautiful story with me.
 
~ Panayiota
 
P.s. Today is my Greek Name Day, and as I wrote on Facebook: (shortened)
 
It's my Greek Name Day today... I AM PANAYIOTA!
 
My beloved Greek (step) mom used to wish me Happy Name Day every year, and if she was near, I'd always get a chocolate... it was so special and I will always love her for acknowledging my true identity so beautifully and helping me to feel like I BELONGED.
 
She was the only person who ever consistently called me by my name. I now introduce myself by my true name, Panayiota (named after my Greek yiayia (grandma) on my dad's side), and our newer Logotherapy students know me by that name and it's wonderful to me!
 
I wanted to honour my name and to actually hear it being called, before I died. I don't want it to only ever be recognised on my Gravestone.
 
I also love that I have found the beautiful meaning for my name and know that I need to work hard to live up to it to make my Greek mom and Greek yiayia proud of me.
 
I didn't realise I actually had three Greek Name Days every year... 2 February, 15 August and 26 December! I'm going to be hoping for sugar free chocolates each time... end of story! 😅
 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panagiotis?fbclid=IwAR2yJvD_e71dqUlah3kVeYB_-7GfXjkmSeBK5dKzAHYoJkdXT6CTeZ9fUJ4

​I’m quite sure that some of my readers will tire of my going on about the same things over and over.  But I believe so strongly that when a wounded person is deliberately deprived of another’s portion of love and connection as a result of negative judgement against the wounded person, they are then thrown into a deepened and sometimes an even dangerous state of hopelessness and prolonged suffering and in a sense, abject loneliness (even in a crowd), that hugely hinders their healing, sometimes even until the point of no return and/or even addiction and death.
 
I have been silenced all my life… but no more!  I now write on behalf of others out there whose voices have also been silenced as a result of abuse… may you find your own voice soon.

​Those of us who have been accused of being in the so called “wrong place” according to the harsh and often twisted judgments of others, can be helped most through love and connection from the “right places” … according to me.  Right  places meaning… where love should be coming from… family, churches, friends, work colleagues and organisations that are equipped to encourage and uplift the so called “lost” (evil wrong doers)… and not by expecting the “lost” to be as they are, but rather by totally accepting the wounded one in their uniqueness and their brokenness, with open arms of genuine love, and a will to assist them on their healing journey… understanding that only the unique person can find their own way to healing, and we as their loved ones, mentors, teachers, helpers, counsellors… whatever, are there only to love and uplift and help to open the necessary doors to the REAL & DEEPEST NEEDS of the wounded or different than we are, one in front of us. 
 
“Experiential values are blessings we receive from life.  Experiential values are manifested in what is good, beautiful and true. We open up to what is good, beautiful and genuine.  These things (values) call forth our appreciation; they involve us in a committed way.  The greatest experiential value, however, is love.  Love brings us in vital touch with ourselves and with others whom we experience in all their uniqueness and specialness.  Love can fill us with limitless devotion and arouse feelings of deep caring and responsibility.” (Shantall, 2003, p. 40) ~ The Quest for Destiny
 
It is not for us to decide what will FIX anyone… but rather to humbly open our hearts and minds, in an effort to freely give to them what they truly need for their healing journey, to help them to find the needed strength and courage to FIX THEMSELVES. 
 
Love and connection are so important with genuine, consistent, (convincing and believable), unconditional LOVE being the most powerful healer of all.
 
https://upliftconnect.com/opposite-addiction-connection/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_General_Theory_of_Love (I would like a copy of this book)

​Logotherapy is very helpful for those who need to find their own way through their struggles… especially when they find themselves very much alone in the world… and for especially those who have lost trust in the world due to having been so harshly judged by others and already condemned to hell’s burning flames by some!
 
“Logotherapy tries to make the patient fully aware of his own responsibleness; therefore, it must leave to him the option for what, to what, or to whom he understands himself to be responsible.  That is why a Logotherapist is the least tempted of all psychologists to impose value judgements on his patients, for he will never permit the patient to pass to the doctor the responsibility of judging.” (Frankl 2008: 114) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning
 
“It is, therefore, up to the patient to decide whether he should interpret his life task as being responsible to society or to his own conscience.   There are people, however, who do not interpret their own lives merely in terms of a task assigned to them but also in terms of the taskmaster who has assigned it to them.” (Frankl 2008:114) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning
 
“Logotherapy is neither teaching nor preaching.  It is as far removed from logical reasoning as it is from moral exhortation.  To put it figuratively, the role played by a Logotherapist is that of an eye specialist rather than that of a painter.  A painter tries to convey to us a picture of the world as he sees it; an ophthalmologist tries to enable us to see the world as it really is.” (Frankl 2008:114-115) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning
 
Having come through many years of struggle, with the experience of being judged harshly over and over by those who never really tried to understand or accept my differences, or feared my differences, etc., I have come to understand how destructive the judgments of others can be on the wounded souls of this world.  Judgement causes us to put on defensive armour to disguise our pain resulting in protective anger… (see picture-quote below) … judgement causes us to lose trust and separates us, we might then withdraw (resulting in abject loneliness and aloneness)… 

(Until you know how this feels, don’t even try to answer the questions below, because you more than likely won’t have a clue!)
 
Lost trust, suffocating trapped anger and abject loneliness
Where could or does that take us to?
What choices do we make to end the pain of living like that?
 
Many people find more destructive ways of dealing with the pain of lost trust, trapped anger and loneliness, (ultimately leading to being even further judged by the world that should have loved and stood by us in the first place).
 
Are we still alone to blame for where we end up, or does some responsibility for our heading into “wrong places” or to our demise rest also on the shoulders of those who weren’t there for us when they should have and could have been?
 
STANDBY ABSUERS is what I call them!
 
Without someone who could see our uniqueness and authenticate our worth, and loved and cared enough to help us to see our own strengths and worth, which would surely help us to live our best lives, (even without the trust for, or love from, or connection with those others who should have always been there, standing by our side), how on earth could we easily find our own way to taking responsibility for our lives and behaviours, etc.  If the world tells us we're not good, we might believe that we are no good.
 
REJECTION makes the whole journey that much harder for the wounded person… it delays and hinders our growth and healing… it sets us on “wrong paths”… we become “lost”… and lost and lonely hurts like hell, because it hurts us on a spiritual level.
 
“An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behaviour” (Frankl, 2006, p. 20). 
  
“Something meaningful draws us out of ourselves – it enlarges our vision, enriches us and causes us to grow: to become bigger and better than we are.  Frankl quoted Goethe as saying: “If we take a man as he is, we make him worse; if we take him as he ought to be, we help him become it” (Shantall, 2002, p. 19) ~ Life’s Meaning in the Face of Suffering

​Example of all I’ve been trying to explain above

With all the changes about to happen at work, with us going fully online with our Logotherapy students training as from next year, I have on one hand felt so excited about it, knowing that this will be a good step forward for our Logotherapy institute and the people we serve now and will serve in the future.  We are in the process of announcing the exciting new changes to the whole world, so that all who would like to study with the institute and become a part of our wonderful Logotherapy family, can be welcomed with open arms. 
  
Anyway, with all the changes, our mentor has been working out who will do what… trainers and their duties, etc.  She sent a letter to us all, and in it, my name was down for inclusion as an online webinar trainer… I NEARLY FAINTED!  Went straight into panic mode… instant tears of genuine fear… imagining that my job was over with, because I’d reached as far as I could go with it, and there was nothing more I could do to make any difference… so, I reacted on my panic, by writing the following letter…
 
Letter to my mentor and our training team (with an ever growing sense of freedom and trust to express myself authentically to them)
 
Dear (mentor) and all... you have got me RUNNING at the very thought of live chat with students, and needing to respond to questions, etc.  This is NOT my strength at all, and I don't believe it ever will be.  Maybe I first need to understand what is meant by webinar... if they can and even can't see me and if they ask me questions... it's already OVER... I cannot respond.  My colleague will be holding all the weight and I would be an embarrassed dead weight for this.  I am only able to write... I need lots of time to get my thoughts together.  I can prepare for webinars... present on webinars a prepared subject... and I could create charts, write poems/stories and PowerPoints, etc. around areas that I see the students need more understanding, but I CANNOT ANSWER QUESTIONS.  That's already a given... it's never going to change.  It is the curse that I've been stuck with since my childhood... a curse that has kept me from being a full trainer in the first place!  NOPE... I'm not even going to chance going there.  There would be too much expectation of responsibility and that's when I run, because I only have so much to give and NO MORE!  I'm also wondering how I would cope with marking portfolios, etc. if there were hundreds of people from all over the world registered... I have to be honest... this is scaring me half to death here! I love and fully support the whole online thing, but I can't imagine how I'm going to cope with MORE... it's too scary to make any promises right now or to commit myself to something I know I will not be able to do or keep up with.  I can sacrifice financially, because we've always been taken care of no matter what, but I can't give more of what I don't believe I have.  I'm so sorry... please forgive me for being the weak link... I am doing my best already... I don't know how I could do any better than this and answering questions I DO KNOW I CAN'T DO... I'm sorry to let you all down like this... 

My mentor’s incredibly strengthening Logotherapeutic response brought tears of relief and absolute gratitude to my eyes, because her words put me back into my sense of being completely and utterly accepted in my uniqueness and personal abilities—just as I am… She immediately gave me back my sense of self-worth and took away my brokenness and stupidness tears, replacing them with tears of gratitude, respect, hope and love… she had in just a few words, strengthened me with a will and determination to keep moving forward, with all that I am uniquely capable of doing, without holding onto the shame of not being like the others, or being able to do as they do.  She helped me to feel okay to be me again!
 
Dear Pan,
 
You are NOT letting us down, only making everything clearer.  And here we go again with what is awesomely happening throughout the development of these courses:  as soon as, no, IMMEDIATELY after a suggestion has been made, it is CONFIRMED!  When I responded to our colleagues suggestion of diagrammatic illustrations of the course, saying that it is EXACTLY your forte, here you answer (the very next e-mail I open) to say that that is what you can and want to do and no more.  NO MORE is exactly right!  We each have a UNIQUE role.  The one is not a replica or a replacement of another. No one can take the place of another or take over what they are doing.  The torch is passed to each NEW generation!  
 
We are meant to work TOGETHER.  Each part is needed to form a coherent and magnificent whole!  You are right, you are NOT a trainer and that will NEVER be your role.  YOU ARE TOO IMPORTANT ELSEWHERE!!  I want all of us to stop thinking about ourselves in a negative light.  That you were "shut up" as a child and therefore, out of fear, never gained the confidence to speak outright and forthrightly, is not a curse BUT A BLESSING.  It shaped your talents, prepared your space to occupy.  IT SERVED YOU. Hell opens up heaven's doors!  It was a terrible wrong, yes, and it evoked so much fear, but now, as we recognize that the wrong was simply decapitated in making it serve what is right for you, the curse is turned into a blessing!  It takes the sting out of making you a victim of wrong.  YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM, BUT THROUGH LIBERALIZATION, CAN STEP OUT OF YOUR FEARS AS A VICTOR!  There is no need for fear anymore.  The meaning of your life is at the Head of things now.  Having been brought through the worst, the best is serving you now.  You have meaning at your side.  EVEN NOW YOUR FEARS SERVE YOU:  THEY SHOW YOU WHERE NOT TO GO AND, IN DOING SO, FREES YOU TO WHERE, IN FACT, YOU SHOULD BE GOING!
 
Hallelujah!

​I once wrote:
 
STAND BY ME
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Those who stood by me, they're the ones
Who I'll remember all my days through
The ones that truly believed in me
It's their love that’s true
 
They're the ones that I will share my future dreams with
The ones that I will turn to if ever again I need
They can know my fears and disappointments
It's their love that gave me the strength to endure and succeed
 
Thank you Lord for I was never left alone
Thank you for these friends so very dear
They took away my pain and made me strong
They never gave up and were always there to help and hear
 
I will love them with my deepest gratitude
I will honour them when I remember these days
I will hold them in my heart so very dear
Because of their friendship and steadfast loving ways
 
~ Panayiota

(14th August 1998 – For Porky and Ra, Roy and Hester, Carol (G) and Hazel, Jonathan and my other children, Doris, Michael and Charles, Shev and Greg, Anne and Alec, Emmy, Marius and Dasie, the Youngs, Freeda, Liz, Radio Good News, Brendan and Carol (W), Dave and Breeze.)
 
(It’s good to look back on my old poems and to see some of the names I ascribed with them.  Just a moment in time when these names memorialised below this poem, made so much difference in helping me to get through a most difficult time.)
 
A LISTENING EAR
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You listened when I needed someone to hear
You didn’t interrupt or interfere
You helped me unload my heavy burden
When I was miserable and uncertain
Your reassuring words and friendly smile
Eased my pain for a little while
A friend in need is a friend indeed
And you were there when I had a need
Thank you for being a listening ear
You lifted my spirit when you were near
If I should feel sad, ever again
I hope someone like you will be there to hear my pain
 
~ Panayiota
(July 06, 1995 – To the Wordsworth Tuck Shop ladies, especially Val)
 
Another time I wrote:
 
NO ONE’S LISTENING!
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No one’s listening!  No one’s listening
No one hears or understands
No one’s listening!  No one’s listening
No one cares; no reaching hands
 
All alone I’m bound to travel
The vast reaches of this earth
What is the meaning of my life here
What was the purpose of my birth
 
Why is this battle so endless
When will it ever stop
Will I be judged as a success someday
Or will I forever be judged as a flop
 
Will no one see the real me
Will no one know me true
Will I forever roam this earth
Alone and judged by you
 
When will someone believe in me
Or understand my way
I long for the love of true friendship
To uplift me each new day
 
But no one’s listening-No one hears
All alone I’m bound to be
No reaching hands to show who cares
Because no one’s listening to me
 
~ Panayiota
(22 February 2003)
 
HE’S WORTH IT!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Here we go again
“Get over it!  Get on with it!” You say
“Find a job!  Move on!
Find your own way!”
No thought of his insecurities
No thought of his fears
No thought of his lack of confidence
No thought for all his sad years
No thought of who he really is
Deep, deep down inside
He needs ‘good friends’
He’s worth the effort
His faith in life has died
He’s worth it!  He’s worth it
He’s worth our every hug
Please don’t just sit back untouched
This young man needs our love
Every ounce of energy we have to spare
Could draw him back to life
Could hold him near…
Cast out his fear
He’s worth it.  I plead.  He’s worth it
He’s worth every little bit
Let us work to save him please
And lift him from the dreadful pit
For where he is right now
It’s so lonely and dark
And it’s as dreary as can be
A place where disappearing and death
Is the only way out he can see
 
Please help him; he’s worth it
Please!  Please help him!
 
~ Panayiota
(17 July 2005)
 
(My plea for you dear Dino, with all my love, Aunty Pan – Young friend with an addiction to heroin, who I did my best to love and help, when I could, and when he wanted more than anything to be helped)  I hope I made some difference for good.

I once wrote:  
 
Our Inner Voice
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“Our inner voice – (noetic dimension / spiritual dimension) – is what should guide us.  Church and other religious teachings can inspire us to be good or do better, but what’s inside of us, our own conscience and unique spirit, working in alignment with one another, is the true voice we should be listening to, because that’s “The TRUE Voice of Heaven within” and not one distorted by the opinions and judgments of the world”
 
~ Panayiota
(30 December 2013)
 
THE NOTES IN A BEAUTIFUL SONG
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Sometimes God allows us to leave the right path for a time
So, we’ll find out way Back on our own
And we often find out that the new path we’re on
Leaves us battered and naked, alone
 
Our true path can only be found high above
Leading to the top of our Mountain of Hope
There’s often a great struggle to find it there
Sometimes hidden on a steep mountain slope
 
So, although it appears, we may have lost our true way
God knows that it still lies ahead
For the journey’s not over and can never be
‘Till we’ve taken our very last breath
 
So, don’t judge the path another might take
We can’t see their beginning or end
Only God knows the path we each need
And He’s plotted every forest and bend
 
We cannot force others to travel our way
Or expect them to know what we mean
If they haven’t been sent on the paths of our lives
Or seen all the things that we’ve seen
 
God counts every hair on the head of each child
Appointing each child an “unique task”
He helps us along and supplies every need
Though we often forget to ask
 
If we just opened our eyes to His presence each day
No matter the path others are on
We’ll learn to accept that each soul on this earth,
Is exactly where each belong...
 
♪  ...LIKE THE NOTES IN A BEAUTIFUL SONG... ♪
 
When the notes come together in harmony and grace
A beautiful tune is played
By accepting with faith, the path of each child
God’s Love is exquisitely portrayed
 
~ Panayiota
(9th June 2013)
 
We need each other
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“Each of us is so unique and should be loved and accepted in our uniqueness. We all have something to give to the world... we all have something we need to receive from the world... WE NEED EACH OTHER”
 
~ Panayiota
(29 December 2013)
 
Thank you for sharing with me.  Please write and let me know if you identify with anything I share, or if my sharing is helpful in any way. 
 
~ Panayiota
 
p.s. If anyone is interested in a follow up to what happened to the whole “Christmas in July” debacle that I wrote about in my last blog post, you can take a look at this:
​
https://christmasinjulyfail.home.blog/?fbclid=IwAR0mXrsn4tTgM4_uuyi_HiigCDorkabhC1lDaDeISFCUhNkXhB8SjxrGYHk

​My youngest son and I went to “Christmas in July” at the Botanical gardens last night... SUCH A HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT!  
 
For a brief moment in time, I tapped into my Patty dimension again... feeling excited about the promise of snow, father Christmas, beautiful lights, Christmas music, etc.  (Patty has such a magical imagination and excited-joy connected to it!)
 
But all there was, was darkness... some Christmas lights along the path, but not enough to take away the eerie darkness.  There was a boring, skinny father Christmas whose suit was too big, so he was pulling up his pants all the time... a clown as his sidekick... Patty’s scared of clowns since her childhood (another story).  And there was a small snow thingy that blew bubbles of foam all over us... people standing in line to get under it, because it was so small... WHY?
 
Nothing at all like the wonderful advert that attracted us to go there in the first place!
 
A few tiny food stalls included... like the flea market stalls... one stall with two weed plants for decoration and selling weed products! So it's not that I've got anything against medicinal weed... I believe if used correctly, it's magic... hahahaa! I said...if used correctly... but please... weed advertised at a CHRISTMAS event... somehow that just doesn't fit with my idea of a Christmas where parents were bringing their little children to.
 
There was so much darkness on the path we walked, which served only to remind me of the darkness of my last Christmas when so much was going wrong in my life and my family dynamics (both my logo-family and my own family)... it was the darkness of last Christmas that succeeded to banish Patty away into her “safe place” of darkness and solitude inside, and I’ve not been able to find her ever since then.  There were not enough lights last night to bring her back... she could not enjoy the few that were there... I felt her fear of the darkness that surrounded us...
 
My two most recent poems were:
 
Bound and Unfree
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I think I’ve lost Patty
She’s gone away
The part of me that could FEEL
And begged me to play
But too many disappointments
Too much pain
Too much lost love
So she’s gone again
Where has she gone to
I do not know
She brought so much sadness
But also her youthful glow
I’m lost without her
I’m empty inside
A thick fog of hurt
Covers the place where she hides
She may as well be dead there
Wherever “there” be
Staring blankly into the fog
Bound and unfree
 
~ Panayiota
(24 June 19)
 
Patty’s Hurting
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I’m hurting today – (Patty’s hurting)
I’m hurting for all the people that Patty loved and lost
The people that sit in my memory like haunting ghosts
I wish I could make them all go away
To stop the pain
To end this day
But Patty just can’t stop loving them
So the suffering goes on…
and on, and on, and on
Because without their love in return
Patty’s still lost and so alone somewhere.
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(11 July 2019)
 
My experience of Christmas in July last night managed to trigger my deepest struggle and disturbed me so much that I got less than 5 hours sleep last night and an almost completely wasted day due to overwhelming tiredness.  I managed two hours sleep during the morning, but I still feel as though I’m wondering lost somewhere, trying to see through the darkness.
 
 
Oh… I can just hear "them" now as they read what I’ve written about “darkness”... I can just hear them going on about how their satan must have possessed me...
 
(This is the haunting that remains after what my therapist did!  We both were in Christian churches dammit… I did not judge hers, but she hated mine and I was “the devil’s child” for belonging to it… for not giving into her relentless demands of changing to hers!)
 
Patty can't exist with rejection and without LOVE, because it was believing in love and being loved that kept Patty going through her difficult childhood. 
 
It makes me so sad to see how people glorify their satan and give it so much space, instead of JUST LOVING UNCONDITIONALLY... There is so much POWER and HEALING in LOVE... yet they prefer to give all that power to their satan and it becomes their everyday talk.
 
I never want Christmas again... it's been broken in me... the magic is gone!  Patty’s gone!
 
Patty may as well be dead!  She’s sick and tired of being treated as if she’s “satan’s child!!!”  My therapist did that to me… I was her “satan’s child” and her relentless, fanatical pushing still goes on and on in this horrible judging world where people are so busy with believing in their satan that they’ve forgotten how to believe in OUR Father in Heaven’s LOVE.
 
LOVE IS MY RELIGION!
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When you’re looking for satan in people,  
Then satan YOU will find
For YOUR very thoughts will create him there
And the ones YOU accuse YOU will bind
 
When you’re looking for LOVE in people
Then HEAVEN will come to earth
For your very thoughts will create GOODNESS
And a beautiful HEALING rebirth.
 
I’M LOOKING FOR THE LOVE IN YOU
PLEASE STOP LOOKING FOR A SATAN IN ME
 
~ Panayiota
(26 July 2019)
 
Gratefully, my oldest son came to supper the night before last to celebrate his 40th birthday with me and we enjoyed each other’s company so much… My daughter visited today which was wonderful… My middle son hugged me tight when he came to pick up my three grandchildren, and I got to speak to my other three grandchildren over the phone when I called to wish their mommy happy birthday this afternoon… and my youngest son has just arrived home from work.  Then to add a really special touch, my mentor and her dear husband sent their love via WhatsApp… So, my day has ended being reminded and knowing that I am loved and has given me the wonderful opportunity to feel and give of my love also.  My love needs an outlet so that I can thrive.
​
My Green balloon (blog post: 21/4/2019) is surprisingly still holding fast… the message I feel is for me to hold fast also, in hope and faith and in LOVE… my true and unconditional LOVE… to never, ever give up on TRUE LOVE, or my BELIEFS, or my DREAMS.

I’m tired and off to sleep.  Goodnight beautiful world.
​
~ Panayiota.

15 July 2019

From Graham
Hi Panayiota
Here is my view of your dream. I thought I would put it to you first and we could possibly look at a discussion around my interpretation.
 
In your first dream, I felt that the faun was you. The baby was looking for acceptance and love, but, your fear and assumption of the wrath of the “Mother” pushed you away from her. Also, it seems that you got to a point where you were protecting your children from an assumed nemesis (you couldn’t see her with your eyes closed) and instead of facing your fear and informing the “Mother” that the faun needed love / fun / light, you allowed your fear (based on your unfortunate past experiences) to dominate.
 
I do understand how difficult it is to break the bonds created by experienced hardship and suffering, yet to be triumphant, you need to face the “Mother” and tell her the reality as you see it and give her love as well. The door is an escape hatch - and it is not being opened because you need to grab your fear and pain and pour love and light into the situation. In the words of the scripture you need to “smite them hip and thigh”.
 
In as much as you said in the preamble that the dreams come and are remembered when you are ready for them.
 
One of the things I read about many years ago is that it is your dream. You are in control. I know it’s easier said than done, but maybe in a fear situation, manifest someone to support you and help you view the dreamscape through alternate eyes.
 
Hope this helps a bit
Graham
 
Panayiota
Good morning Graham,  
 
I'm going to go through your letter below now in blue within your text, so hopefully I can respond with gratitude now for your time in sharing with me.  Thank you so much.  
 
I often avoid facing letters like yours, because I am basically on my own now and find it the ONLY safe place for me, because I do not trust anyone to tell me how to be anymore, not after what my therapist did, but I am graciously in the moment trusting you right now as a true and caring friend, but if you pushed it, we might not be friends anymore, because I find it very hard to hold onto trust these days, and I'm in that place of "you love me for who I am... EXACTLY AS I AM... do not try to change me... Love me or leave me!" and that stands for loved ones, close family... EVERYBODY!  So, I do realise that it's a very dangerous place to be, but that's where I am after ONE MORE ENORMOUS HURT AND LOSS TOO MUCH! What my therapist did will be forever unforgivable to me, because it was, THE LAST STRAW! So, basically, I will not accept anymore therapising from anyone, because TRUST IS SHATTERED IN THIS WORLD... I DO NOT BELONG HERE... I TRUST ONLY MY GOD IN HEAVEN... I AM HERE STILL, ONLY TO FINISH MY LIFE TASK AND PASS ON WHAT I HAVE TO GIVE FROM THE "ME AS I AM TODAY", TO HELP OTHERS IN MY OWN UNIQUE WAY AND IN THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW AND WITH MY TRUE LOVE AND A WILL TO SHARE.  >>>
 
Graham’s letter with my responses in blue
Hi Panayiota
 
Here is my view of your dream. I thought I would put it to you first and we could possibly look at a discussion around my interpretation.
 
In your first dream, I felt that the faun was you. The baby was looking for acceptance and love, but, your fear and assumption of the wrath of the “Mother” pushed you away from her. Also, 

Absolutely... I identified with the foal as  my inner-child Patty who is the little me... the victim me... the part that learned that love could not ever really be trusted, and that loving myself was not even allowed, because we had to love our mother more... she made herself our god and if she was happy, we had to be happy... if she was sad, we had to be sad with her, etc.... long story, but we were not allowed to have our own identity or feelings... we were forced to be totally enmeshed with hers and we did what was expected of us immediately and precisely... it was do or die!) 

it seems that you got to a point where you were protecting your children from an assumed nemesis (you couldn’t see her with your eyes closed) and instead of facing your fear and informing the “Mother” that the faun needed love / fun / light, you allowed your fear (based on your unfortunate past experiences) to dominate. 

YIP... she still has her ALMIGHTY-godly-superpowers over me!  Even did a confrontation with her in therapy which was a HUGE and positive turning point in my life... but yet, she still RULES... I cannot shake her ALL POWERFUL and overly CONTROLLING, DOMINATING scripts in my life
 
I do understand how difficult it is to break the bonds created by experienced hardship and suffering, yet to be triumphant, you need to face the “Mother” and tell her the reality as you see it and give her love as well. 

Done the facing her... and even at the place of loving and understanding her for her choices and mourning the fact that SHE WILL NOT allow us to love her back (SHE DISOWNED US! CUT US OFF!), but I will never condone the choices she made as a parent... only God has the power to forgive her for that and it is NOT MY TASK and should not be expected.  Expecting me to forgive her is the same as telling my abused inner child, just after she's been beaten half to death by her mother, to tell her she's forgiven.  NOPE... that's not going to happen, because there's NO HEALING FOR THE INNER-CHILD IN THAT... that's why I stand by the words... "CHRISTIANS KILL THEIR OWN WOUNDED", because there's no understanding of the reality of trauma and what religious fanaticism is forcing on those who are trying to heal.  I know you never mentioned forgiveness, but that's where your comment took me to... because my therapist nearly succeeded in killing me with her relentless religious pushing and condemning me to the burning hell fires if I did not convert to her religion.  And she got away with it... nobody believed my side of the story... the people who stood by  her and believed her only added to my anguish… “standby abusers”… people I would NEVER have expected to turn on me in favour of her… She was so clever... I was the "SICK client"... and she was the ALL-POWERFUL therapist... MOTHER WON YET AGAIN!!!  MOTHER BEAT ME ONCE MORE! 

But even without forgiving what she has done, I could and DO still love her on a different level, and genuinely mourn not being able to nurture her in her old age (my sister mourns her also)... I could show her how it was meant to be so that she leaves this world without doubt about what TRUE AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE should have been like for her children.  I reached out to love her on Mother's Day 2013... it was her final rejection... SHE WILL NOT ALLOW HER CHILDREN TO LOVE HER... so, she is gone now and I no longer have a way to reach her, because she's made herself unreachable!  END OF STORY!  The door is an escape hatch - and it is not being opened because you need to grab your fear and pain and pour love and light into the situation. In the words of the scripture you need to “smite them hip and thigh”.  Love is how I've always worked and chosen to handle every single situation... NOT HATE OR BITTERNESS... but when someone does not understand how hard we tried as her children and how many times she rejected our love... they provoke anger and bitterness in me, because they remind me that SHE WOULD NOT HAVE US... SHE WOULD NOT ACCEPT OUR LOVE... IT WAS HER IN ALL "HER BITTERNESS" THAT HATED US!
 
In as much as you said in the preamble that the dreams come and are remembered when you are ready for them.  

YES... but the current dream is only provoked by current situations to help me to see how the past still affects the NOW and how to face things NOW with more perspective and less hurt which has risen from connecting the NOW with the past that was triggered.  Knowing how the past still affects my present, I am able to choose different ways of perceiving and reacting, deal with the real emotions that are triggered, etc.  So, it's like putting all the puzzle pieces into their right positions and context.  What happened in my past is always going to affect me... but what I do with it NOW is what's important and that's why the dream interpretation is helpful NOW to deal with NOW!
 
One of the things I read about many years ago is that it is your dream. You are in control. I know it’s easier said than done, but maybe in a fear situation, manifest someone to support you and help you view the dreamscape through alternate eyes. 

Logotherapy Dream Interpretation works so well for me... it has helped me make sense of many difficulties and even make sense of myself.  For now it is all I need to gain the perspective and guidance I need and has even changed my life, as with the dream I had in 2010 I think it was... doing a dream interpretation on that one, which I now present on, changed the direction of my life completely and brought not only healing to me, but also to certain members of my family who that dream involved.  LDI is an extremely powerful technique that has helped many of my clients also.  Sometimes, others and my clients see some aspect of the dream that I never saw, and that's helpful also in the LDI context, but in the end, only the client themselves will know the true meaning of their dream.  I can only guide them to find their own answers.  I am grateful for finding my own answers to my dreams... they are enough to shift my direction and attitude and bring meaning that helps me through my difficult times. I will continue on my journey of researching my own life, behaviours, etc. with a Logotherapy perspective and guidance, and appreciate the articles and ideas that you share, that help me to make more informed choices and decisions about my life to aid in my personal healing journey.  I only take from life and from all my learning, what I feel will be helpful for my journey, and I share what I can in the hopes of helping others with either their own journeys, or to understand me, or people like myself a whole lot  better. I was silenced all my life, and I refuse to  be silenced anymore... my blog is my LOUDEST SHOUT to the world now, and I PRAY THAT MY MESSAGE WILL BE HEARD AND WILL MAKE AT LEAST SOME DIFFERENCE FOR GOOD AND HEALING IN THIS WORLD.
 
Hope this helps a bit
Graham
 
Thanks Graham, for being there and for all you share and your time and support on the two FB pages I try to keep up with and my blog.  I am very grateful to you.  I'd ask please that you don't get too caught up in trying to FIX me, because that could create loss... and I would love for you to stick around for a bit longer because you have already made a difference in the short time I've known you. So... can I use this conversation on my blog, but without names if you prefer... I need people to understand better where I'm coming from. Have a very blessed day.
 
Graham
Hi my friend
 
Sorry I scratched on some old wounds … that was not my intention. Also – I am not trying to “fix” you – it is just part of me that I reach out to people who have a perceived need.
 
Please feel free to post the conversation – no anonymity required (LOL)
 
Hope you have an amazing day.
 
G
 
Panayiota
I thought as much, and I believe you are genuine and can be trusted.  I just needed to make sure that you understood my boundaries because I did not want to lose what you have been giving, which has become very important to me... I wouldn't even want to lose the letter you sent… but, I felt I needed to write to you just to be sure you understood, so that nothing could go wrong.  I would not want you to be different... I just wanted to know that you knew and understand, and apparently you do... thank you for that reassurance!
 
(A humbling response)
Graham
 
😎 No worries – Friends can tell friends when they are crossing boundaries. Be happy my friend
 
Have a magic day
 
G

 
19 July 2019
Setting boundaries with someone else
 
Church member
Missed you at church😘
 
(I didn’t mind that message and appreciated it.  What I don’t appreciate, is arriving at church after weeks of being away and someone tells me they missed me, yet I haven’t heard from them in all that time… Good grief!)
 
Panayiota
Good morning, what a lovely surprise to hear from you. I hope you and your family have a wonderful week ahead 💖
 
(I thought I owed her an explanation [or excuse], even though I realised later that I didn’t at all… it was just my people pleasing side kicking in at the time… I continued.)
 
I've just been through my busiest time of the year (students workshops time and marking their portfolios and new registrations all at the same time), It happens again between October and December where I just don't cope well with all the work... NO me-time... rush-rush-rush... exhausting trying to cope with the garden and housework included (so it’s not all about my office work, it’s everything included). There's only so much I can cope with. Without me-time and creative/experiential time I start to lose it. Socializing goes out the back door... without real connection I lose it also, but getting there and the extra stress involved is very hard for me... agoraphobia worse than ever... TOO MUCH TO DO... NO TIME TO REST... everything, including making time to shower and eat and pluck my chin becomes a burden, because it takes from my TRYING DESPERATELY TO CATCH UP TIME.
 
I NEED TIME to finish my book.  
 
Can't find time...
 
TOTALLY FRUSTRATED AND OFTEN FEEL LIKE I'M DROWNING.
 
I therefore do what I can as and when I can and try hard to remember to BREATHE in-between 🙏✨
 
(NOTE: The stress, increased responsibility and expectations of me, etc., creates a counterproductive situation… I dissociate more… seem to work in slow motion… go around in circles… become extremely tired… can’t concentrate as easily… fighting to stay with the work… So in a nutshell, it’s not the works fault… it’s how I handle the stress during stressful times… someone else who doesn’t have the same struggles as mine, might cope very well and have loads of me-time as a result)
 
Church Member
I have been away for a few weeks. Was back at church yesterday. Nobody missed me while I was gone, so I sent a "miss you" whatsap to everybody that missed church.
 
Panayiota
Hopefully next year will be better as our Logotherapy institute is going fully online. That should hopefully take some of the workload stress off me. Until then, things might even get worse, because there might be a lot more expected of me as part of all the changes and work needed to prepare for going online.
 
I need to get my presentations onto video as they will be used for the online courses next year. Do you know anyone who does that without charging too much? (me speaking and slides interjected)
 
My oldest son will be investigating how to do it with some program on the internet, so that is an option we are looking at for now.
 
And, yes, very few even notice we're not there, so I appreciate that you did notice I wasn’t. I hope I will be able to be more aware to also look out for missing people in future. It's beautiful... thank you 💖
 
Right now, there is still some (past threat involved) in the changes when the other congregation moved in with us... I felt safe with our original members, so I haven't been able to re-establish that sense of safety again yet. It will take me a while to get to know and trust the new people. One, I feel for sure has always judged me and doesn't like me... so it can just take that one to shatter my sense of safety in the crowd. I'm not good with crowds in the first place...
 
Church member
I am so sorry that you experience so much stress, but I am sure you still find joy amidst the "madness". But I think the Logotherapy gets you up every day and helps you keep going.
 
(she sent a list of techno savvy church members who might be able to help me with videos)
 
Panayiota
I often wish I was married to a LOVING man who didn't want me to work, so I could have more me-time. I long for time to paint and sew and be creative again and would love to do my genealogy, and so much more... ENJOY your me-time 💖✨
 
(And then IT came…)
 
Church member
Very early in my life I decided why I want to and need to go to Sacrament. I need those emblems and forgiveness from Our Heavenly Father. I don’t go for the people....Judging and criticizing will continue right until our Savior returns, because satan has power on this earth.
 
Panayiota
The madness actually keeps me alive... and the love and safe, welcoming and loving connection I feel in my Logotherapy world makes the madness worth every bit... 💕
 
I have religious trauma syndrome today as a result of a therapist pushing her religion and nearly completely destroying me in the process. My religious standing today is entirely personalized between my Father in Heaven and me. My friendships are based ONLY on unconditional LOVE and not on my religious values according to another person’s views on what's right and what's wrong! I do NOT discuss religion with anyone who uses it to judge or try teach me their ideas of it, or to change me into something they could like or accept more.
 
You are welcome to delete me or choose to love me unconditionally. 
 
There's no in-between for me anymore, because I know without doubt that my Father in Heaven loves me unconditionally and His LOVE is TRUE and ENOUGH.
 
Church member (A reassuring response)
Great testimony😍
 
Panayiota
😍

Theory of Logotherapy Dream Interpretation (a handout I share with the students after presenting LDI to them)
LOGOTHERAPY DREAM INTERPRETATION ~ Presented by Panayiota
Created using personal experience and an article called: Theory on Interpretation of Dreams
~ Logotherapy Immediate Workshop Manual – 2009
 
“Dreams - can reflect hopes and wishes form the unconscious, not only repressed aggression and lust, but calls from the conscious towards meaningful behaviour.  Advice from the unconscious to the conscious.”  
 
“Frankl has an expanded concept of the unconscious.  He asserts that it contains, also, repressed hopes, goals, and meanings to which dreams are royal roads.”
 
A Frankl quote from his concentration camp experience:  
“What was really needed was a fundamental change in our attitude toward life.  We had to learn ourselves and, furthermore, we had to teach the despairing men, that it did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us” (Frankl 2008:85) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning
 
“Viktor Frankl.... sees the unconscious not only in a psychological but also in a spiritual dimension as a royal road into a much wider land.  It can lead to meaning.”
 
“Dreams may make you aware of repressed drives and traumas that are too painful to face.  But dreams may also convey advice from the conscience. A dream interpretation from this perspective can help you to discover what is meaningful.” 
 
“Because the messages in dreams are often hard to understand, because of their symbolic nature, it is often easier to elicit ideas from your client using metaphors, fantasies and imagery.”
 
So, if you find that you aren’t able to help your client to interpret a dream... and maybe they don’t even have a dream to work on, then using metaphorical stories or images could be another way to elicit ideas from your client for you to both work on together. 

The Logotherapist’s task, is to help the client come to their own answers for their dream.
 
Your client could either do a collage, draw, model or write a story to illustrate where they are coming from, or the Logotherapist could show them a video that might elicit ideas.
 
Helping a client to Interpret their dreams
 

• Explain to the client about how Logotherapy dream Interpretation works whilst prompting them to find their own meaning message which has been given to them through their dream...
• Note:  LDI is NOT a fortune telling tool... it is more a revealing of personal revelation. (the answers are inside the dreamer already, they just need to work out what those answers are, and dreams are a beautiful way of doing that).
• Only the client can know the answers and meaning messages of their own dreams.
• Important factors need to be taken into consideration by the Logotherapist and brought to the client’s attention.
• What is going on in the client’s life at the time of their dream.
• The client’s history... some of which might only be revealed because of their dream.
• Everything they saw, felt, experienced in their dream.
• Their thoughts and feelings after their dream.
• The therapist needs to listen very carefully to every aspect of the clients dream experience, prompting them to share every detail, including: smells, colours, people in their dream, emotions, actions and reactions of themselves or others in the dream, but most importantly, the client’s part in their dream, and if they can remember any animals, things, atmosphere, objects, where the dream is, Immediate and distant surroundings/views in the dream, etc.
• Ask the client to try to tell you what they think their dream is trying to tell them that might be a positive, helpful, meaningful, healing message to them from their dream. 
• Help your client to see the blessing of their dream.

 
LDI can be done only on the vivid dreams that remain pretty much intact when you wake up from them. 
 
Dreams that we don’t remember when we wake, I believe, have already been absorbed into the three dimensions of consciousness (conscious, unconscious and spiritual) where the dream has been processed for our benefit.
 
“Dreams that we don’t remember may also have been buried, because we are not ready for them yet.” ~ Dr. Kanda Kalala
 
Perhaps the spiritual level of consciousness feels we are ready, but our subconscious denies the message due to fear, etc.
 
Dreams help us to become more meaning aware and orientated.  The dreams meaning messages become clearer subconsciously, gradually becoming conscious over time.
 
Once the “meaning message” of a dream has been established through “Logotherapy Dream Interpretation”, the dreamer will never need to dream that dream again as has been my experience, and that of my clients.
 
TWO RECENT NIGHTMARES
 
History leading up to my first nightmare
Around the 8th of this month, I wrote on another blog post, about how I was struggling with Mother’s Day approaching on the 12th May and remembering the pain of my own mother’s rejection and my ever-present lifelong longings for a mother’s love to reach me still.
 
1st nightmare ~ A beautiful little white foal
So, it was around then that I had a nightmare.  Myself and my two youngest children are walking on a beautiful, lush green lawn just in front of what I imagine is our house… not sure though.  In-between us and the house there are two large horses, both rolling on the soft grass and enjoying the sunshine.  We are unable to get to the front door, because the horses are in the way and we don’t know if we can trust them. 
 
There is also a most beautiful little white foal with them, and as soon as it sees us, it comes bounding over excitedly and is trying to attract my attention, nudging me with its nose, begging me to take notice of it and wanting me to play with it.
 
In my heart, I felt an absolute longing to play with it too… it was so sweet and friendly.  I wanted so much to hug it and look into its eyes and be friends with it, but I knew that I couldn’t, because I saw how its mother had stopped rolling on the grass and was looking very concerned about her foal being near us.
 
I told my children that we needed to walk faster and try to get away from the foal, before the mother comes… she could be dangerous.  So we went around the side of the house as fast as we could and as we turned the corner, I saw through the corner of my eye, the mother getting up… I felt afraid… she was coming! 
 
We walked as fast as we could… afraid to run, in case we excited the foal too much and upset the mother more.  We turned around the back of the house… the little foal right behind us all the way.  I told the children not to speak to it or touch it… I felt so sad that we had to ignore it, but we had to stay safe.
 
We could hear the mother coming, although she did not catch up with us… she was always on one side of the house behind us, so we couldn’t see her.  We turn around the other side of the house and then around to the front of the house (the other horse was also gone)… we could feel the mother horse was getting closer… I felt very afraid.  We climbed the steps and I banged on the front door a few times with my fist because it was locked (I have no idea who I imagined was going to come and save us by opening the door!).  The foal is with us and jumping around excitedly… its mother was almost around the last corner, she would see us soon.  I tell the children to stand flush against the door with me… we must stay as still as statues and not say a thing.  We must ignore the foal and even the mother, until they go away… the mother is just rounding the last side of the house back to the front yard… and then I wake up!
 
What would you say about this dream?
I’d like to encourage my readers to think about what the meaning message in my dream could have been for me.  What positive message was my dream trying to convey to me to help me deal with something in the here and now of my life.  Keep in mind that only I, the dreamer of my dream, would know for sure what the true meaning message of my dream is once I’ve worked it out… (thinking about what struggles I’d recently been facing… What was happening in my life at the time?  What answers might I need to receive to help me cope? etc.  Think about the Mother’s Day rejection-dilemma that had been haunting me at the time… would that tie in perhaps with the dream) A Logotherapist might help me to see other meaningful aspects that I might have missed and there's always more to add if assessing the psychological possibilities of the dream... for example: Why did I not even try to open the front door first?  Why did I instead choose to stay stuck against the door as still as a statue, shutting my eyes and being completely quiet (? escaping reality and fears), rather than taking some other action?  Am I even afraid of what's on the other side of the door, due to lack of trust in my future?  There could be plenty more answers, but those are not as important to me, as "What is the meaning message of my dream?"
 
My LDI interpretation of this dream
In view of the history leading up to the dream, I believe that the dream was telling me to try to find a way to turn my back on my mother’s painful Mother’s Day rejection of 2013… it’s no use hoping against hope.  It was also telling me that I am not left alone without her in my life… I still have my children (and others) standing by me and I have their love.  I have never deliberately failed them and I trust that they believe in my unconditional love for them and that I did my best to protect them when they were young even though I couldn’t save them from all our struggles whilst living with our abuser no matter how hard I tried.  I believe that the persistent little white foal in my dream that wanted nothing more than my/our love and attention, represented the innocence of my own inner child, Patty, who was so abused and rejected by her mother.  That it was not about my mother anymore, or Patty and what she suffered “then”, (mother could never reach her again to hurt her as she did before), but rather about Patty now and her pure heart, still longing for my love… meaning, that I need to continue to work hard to embrace and reassure her that she is completely loved and accepted… to give myself (my deserving inner self, Patty, and even Patricia) all that was never given to me by my own mother… to embrace myself in such a way as to be able to look at myself in the mirror and trust that I’m okay, just as I am and that I am not to allow my past to continue to frighten and shame me through the negative behaviours of others towards me, or to continue to cause me such deep sadness at times such as Mother’s Day.
 
So that, I believe, was the meaning message that I took from that dream and I am so grateful for LDI and the reassuring answers it gives to me and the sense of peace that is also given.
 
History leading up to my 2nd nightmare
Over the weekend, I was hurt and disappointed once more by people who I once again trusted (I keep forgiving them, every time they let me down, because I love them and want to trust them)… [for clarity… this is not about family, although I’d often thought about them as family]… Anyway, these people broke my trust once again, and I went away feeling so disappointed. 
 
It was late, so, because I needed to pick up my youngest son from work in two hours, I didn’t go straight home.  I stopped off to fill up my car with petrol and visit my middle son and family who live close to my youngest son’s place of work.  I had a bit of a wait in the dark because both my sons did not see their messages straight away… I had asked my youngest son if he had a lift home, because if he did, I could go straight home… and I asked my middle son if I could visit at his house while waiting.  Both boys responded at the same time and because I did not need to pick up my youngest son, I went home. 
 
Driving up the hill, I realised that I was feeling very fearful… I was traveling alone and it was dark… usually I wouldn’t feel so fearful, because I was on the trip home and should have been feeling okay about that, but I was having intrusive thoughts of a possible hijacking, or an accident.  I kept stopping the thoughts, but they were relentless.  Even when I arrived home, my pulse was racing and I felt so afraid… as if someone was waiting to ambush me as I drove into my gate, etc.  I remained anxious until I finally fell asleep after taking ¼ sleeping pill, because I already knew that I was going to struggle to sleep if I didn’t.  The next morning I woke anxious… felt fearful all day long and struggled to fall asleep once more, even though I felt desperately tired. 
 
2nd nightmare ~ dirty hands
I dreamed that I was in a room, I had just used the toilet (I’ve worked out, that if I dream about a toilet, it’s always with no doors and only one wall which the toilet is against and there are strangers present and some walking past… and the dream always comes when I’m feeling particularly exposed and vulnerable, so the opened door, no-walls toilet is a representation of these feelings) … The people weren’t taking notice of me, but there was no privacy and I felt very uncomfortable and forgot to flush.  
 
For some reason, I had a little desk near the toilet and I’m sitting at the desk drawing.  I draw a childish little stick figure of my mother and write MOM underneath it.  As I’m drawing it, in my heart, I’m longing for her to love and accept me also.  (I’ve reproduced the picture as I remember it from my dream, using my non-dominant hand, to share it with you all here on this post).
 
As I finish the picture, my mother comes up from behind me which gives me such a fright that I quickly crumpled up my picture and threw it in the toilet hoping she wouldn’t see (she wouldn’t understand if she saw it), but as I looked at her, I realised she saw me do it.  She chatted with me for a while as if she was my friend, but suddenly she dove toward the toilet, giving me a terrible fright, almost knocking me over and stuck her hand in it so fast… there was nothing I could do to stop her… I felt horrified!
 
“What did you throw in there!” she’s shouting in front of all the people passing by, and I’m (frightened and embarrassed) pleading with her, “It’s nothing important mommy”… but she is relentless and digs through the contents of the toilet looking for the paper I threw in… then, she’s just found it and she’s opening it up…  and that's when I wake up!
 
What would you say about the meaning message of this dream?
Give LDI a try before reading on.  See if you would be able to help me to interpret the meaningful message held within my dream if you were my Logotherapist.
 
My LDI interpretation of the dream
I believe that my dream was simply letting me know that what I had done for my friends (represented by the drawing of my mother), was done out of love, and that my mother's reaction, (sticking her hand in the toilet to grab what she wanted), resulted in her hands getting dirty. 
 
The dream tells me clearly, that I should not have to be taking on the blame for what happened.  I need to stop seeing the bad behaviours of others as “my shame”, or that I’m not good enough to be loved and respected or honoured by them.  That their bad behaviours do not have to reflect on me, causing me to feel exposed, shamed and dirty…
 
My mother’s abuse of me, no longer has to dictate how I should feel about myself when others treat me in much the same way as she did.
 
I did a kindness… I did nothing wrong… and in the end, that’s the SHINE that I believe my Father in Heaven will see emanating from my heart when I meet Him.  In the meantime, I will do everything in my power to keep my own hands and heart clean.
 
Thank you for sharing with me once more.
 
~ Panayiota.

I LOVED Saturdays baking day which was so fun 😊 and I will cherish those memories forever 💖
 
I am grateful for all that my Greek (step)mom taught me and gave to my life, but most especially grateful that my little sister who grew up full time with her, remembers so much and is able to remind me every year and help me to continue to be nurtured by the memories of gifts still given by our Greek mom's love, which I have cherished in my heart of hearts since I was just a little girl, visiting my beloved Greek family on school holidays.  Without such beautiful reminders and memories being kept alive in me, I would never be where I am today 💖
 
After my lovely day with my sister and family, I finished the day off marking a Logotherapy student’s portfolio.
 
2nd May ~ I wrote…
“My beloved little brother Peter (Petros)... He would have been 60 yesterday, 1 May, on his birthday and today, 2nd May 2005, he died due to having an epileptic seizure in his sleep.  He developed epilepsy during his adolescence.
 
“My heart still aches every year on the 1st and 2nd of May.  I love you my brother... Happy Birthday for yesterday, and thinking of you with love today on your Love Day... 💖 … We will meet again 💖”
 
I am so grateful to believe and know without doubt that Peter is still with me in spirit 💖
 
We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it | Nora McInerny
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khkJkR-ipfw
 
4th May…
Today I was invited to my daughter’s house for lunch, because my very caring son in law had offered to do some work on my car.  He likes to do a mini service on it every so often which I appreciate very much!  I am truly blessed to have them both in my life.
 
Before I went to them, I decided to quickly go to our local hypermarket, to exchange some sugar free chewing gums that my youngest son had brought for me a few days earlier.  The gums he had brought were the ones I am allergic to.  At the time of the day that I drove to the mall, the streets were very busy and when I arrived, there were so many people walking all over the streets, that they even slowed me down at the entrance to the shopping mall.  Between the people and cars moving in every direction, I started to feel a little suffocated, but I persevered to the underground parking, but even in there, it was so packed with parked and moving cars and people, that I was thrown right out of my comfort zone and started to panic.  I finally found a parking but found myself glued to my seat once my car stopped moving.  I wanted to go into the shops, but it honestly felt as though I was tied to my chair and couldn’t move (paralysed with fear)... something that has not happened in a long time.  So, almost in tears, I realised that the shopping trip was out of the question and waited until I felt brave enough to leave… from there, I went to my daughter’s house… still too many cars on the streets on the way there.  It was lovely to be distracted and able to relax and enjoy being at my daughter's house, with her and my son in law and their two dogs which I adore and they seem to absolutely love me also.
 
After my visit there, I went home for a short time, but soon had to go pick up my youngest son from work around 8pm… so, I left early enough to visit my second son on the way, to wish him Happy 38th Birthday… My goodness, how time flies… one day, not so long ago it seems, I was holding him as a baby in my arms… thank goodness for still being able to enjoy HUGS!
 
Straight from visiting him, I went to pick up my youngest son from work on that horrible, scary, dark road that I really don’t enjoy traveling on at night…
 
The day was all too much… by Sunday, I knew that I was not going to be able to leave my home for church… there was too little left, so I just chilled for the rest of the day. 
 
Fitted in also on the 4th May, I continued the Messenger conversation with my Friend who I had chatted with on the 1st May… (Blog post: Conversation with a friend ~ Loving unconditionally.)  My friend shared with me, more about her lonely struggles and I once again deeply empathised with her, understanding that she had real reason to be so unhappy under such hurtful and lonely circumstances.  I tried to help her to see that sometimes, we make things worse for ourselves as a result of our reactions to our pain and sufferings… (even by our own thoughts and words)… that we worsen the very problem we are fighting to “right”…  I wanted to get across to this dear friend, the message of “thinking before we speak”… taming our thoughts and our words... allowing our words to be based on higher, more spiritual thought processes…
 
“How could I handle this situation more spiritually?  What would be the right thing to say and do in this moment?  How could my words or actions affect this situation?  What kind of impact is my behaviour having on myself or others?” etc.
 
I somehow wanted her to visualize for herself, how what she says… the way she says it… tone of voice… attitude… body language… etc. could ultimately improve or negatively affect the perspective of not only the person she talks to, but her own life and degree of peace and happiness too… that what she says and does, could also be directly affecting the way others are choosing to relate to her.  I shared with her, that by handling difficult and painful situations in an unequally spiritual and more gentle and loving way, could make miracles happen and that I’d proved it in my own life, over and over 💖🙏

My intent was to get across a message about the uniquely spiritual nature and spiritual dimension of the human being... some people would interpret this through religion, and others, by the mere fact that we are human beings.  

“…being human means being confronted continually with situations, each of which is at once a chance and a challenge, giving us a “chance” to fulfill ourselves by meeting the “challenge” to fulfill its meaning.  Each situation is a call, first to listen, and then to respond.” (Frankl, 2000, p.126) ~ Man’s Search for Ultimate Meaning

“A characteristic of human existence, for example, is its transcendence.   Man transcends his environment toward the world; but more than this, he also transcends his being toward an ought, when he rises above the level of the somatic and the psychic and enters the realm of the genuinely human, the spirit, the Noös.” (Havenga Coetzer, 2003, p35) ~ Viktor Frankl’s Avenues to Meaning
 
I worried about my friend’s response and felt I might have failed her in what I had tried to share.
 
FRIEND
I know, and I live by my belief in the Lord.  Now, I need to focus on how to make sure that my son knows that he is mocking God by telling us he is gay because God won’t find him a wife.
 
Panayiota (My response was pretty much very straight to the point, because I just didn’t know what else to say)
“No... all you need to do is let him know you love him. The more you push your religious values the more you will push him away from his own. Please believe me. The only way you can convince him that there is a God looking over his life is in LOVE and through LOVE. I would not even mention religion to him... I'd just love him... He needs to make his own choices and will have more chance of making the right choices to his own Life question if he is feeling loved and accepted. (not necessarily your right choices according to your religious values... It seems they are no longer his religious values... He needs to establish his own values, and those might be better than the apparently nothing he is living now) If he is not feeling totally loved and accepted soon, he will have nowhere else to turn, but to where love and acceptance will find him... No matter how much you protest then, You WILL lose any chance of saving him.  Worry about your own salvation and pray only for his...”
 
My friend did not respond, but gratefully, she is still with me as I still see her participating on my Facebook posts, and I feel confident that she knows and trusts that I am still around should she ever need to message me again.   
 
I see a woman who seems to have lost a sense of control over the love and attention that she is so desperately crying out for (see comments section on a previous blog post, posted 1st May)… I have a feeling that she feels desperate about not being able to draw love and attention back to herself from those who should love her.  I imagine that in her frustration, the way she has been going about obtaining what she needs, is proving to not be working… and when we find that something is not working for us anymore, perhaps then it’s time to try something new…
 
I ask: “If her son did take on his mother’s values because that’s what she demands of him, would that prove to her that his love for her is real, or would there possibly then be other unanswered questions surfacing… ?”
 
I leave it there and that will be the end of this discussion.  If anyone wants to add, please e-mail me at pattyskeys@gmail.com and if I feel anything can genuinely help my friend from what you share, and will not hurt her more than she is already hurting, then I will share it with her and if she would allow, I’d share it as a blog post.
 
I pray with all my heart, that in some way, I have been able to help my friend, even if only a little 💖🙏✨
 
Another friend ~ another conversation: 
Chatting with another friend just yesterday, she asked a question, reminding me about what I was taught by my mentor once, that has helped me so much.  That sometimes the pain and the damage is so deep that it cannot be forgotten or just done away with or easily understood, and it’s not something that can just be “fixed” by others.  The pain and damage exist, and we have to somehow learn to live with it and deal with it in such a way, so as not to hurt others or ourselves.
 
I wrote from my memory, what our mentor had shared with me:
Tucking away the fear, pain and anger… That’s how the Holocaust survivors managed to go on.  They couldn’t continue living in the world as victims carrying all the horror with them in an open way, and there could be no way to just let it all go (and they should never be expected to)… nobody could take their lived experience away from them… it could NOT just be forgotten as if it had never happened… So, they learned to tuck it away for the sake of a greater good, because few others could ever understand it in the way that they had experienced their sufferings anyway…
 
So, it’s almost like, even the horrors that we’ve born, are meant to be sacred to us, because they belong to our unique personal experience.  They were not meant for others to bear with us in the same way we bore/bear them.  We did not bear our sufferings so that we could use our experience to hurt others, instead we bore them, so that we could grow in wisdom, love, humility and grace.  Only we are ever able to travel our own unique path… So, we alone, often have to go on with our burdens (tucked away)… we have to rise up, to be victorious over our sufferings regardless of any desperate needs we might have for loving support and understanding to come and lift our burdens for us.
 
I wrote:
TUCKING AWAY THE FEAR, THE PAIN AND THE ANGER!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Do not express it… go on… go on
Hold it all in… quieten that sad song
Do not express it… do not cry out
Do not argue… do not shout
 
Tuck it away… go on… go on
Who can hear your mournful song
Alone you must find a way out of ‘that place’
To discover your true self… to see your own face
 
Who can help you, or dry those tears
Alone you must conquer your own bitter fears
Find your own strength!  YOU MUST!  YOU MUST
Search your own light, for it’s YOU, you must trust
 
Move forward… climb high… never give in
Hold tightly God’s hand… life’s between you and Him
Grasp your life’s meaning… life’s purpose for you
It’s all that is left!  It’s what you must do
 
Try to believe it and never let go
If it’s meant to be, then it WILL be so
When you defiantly stand for your good and your true
Then nothing can stop the course meant for you
 
You are unique and so is your work
So do not abandon it and do not shirk
The world is waiting for what you can give
Sharing your purpose is the true way to live
 
Keep moving forward
Life’s blessings will come
Emerge from the darkness
Enter the sun
 
~ Panayiota
(26 October 2010 – Thank you dear mentor)

​5th – 7th May – It’s a quieter time at work, so I’ve started working on my book again, and once again, I am being affected by the work on a psychological level.  I have to get this book done asap, so that I can somehow put my past behind me for once and for all by not having to regurgitate it over and over as has happened in the process of writing the book… Enough already!
 
8th May – Voting day in SA.
I nearly didn't get to vote today, because I didn't get to register and thought I had to.  My youngest son was working on the registration day and I wasn't going to go there on my own then, or to vote today... he's working today also!  And on top of that, I've developed a genuine fear based, no-trust image of this country, because they won't give me the ID card, because I was born in Rhodesia... now Zimbabwe... Yet I've been a naturalised citizen of this country for well over 30 years now!  So I am really unhappy about the fact that I'm still not good enough or accepted enough in this country to receive the ID card and must stick with the green book instead… This country, I have for so long called my home!  That HURTS BIG TIME!!!  Another painful source of rejection and not belonging for me...
 
(I don’t listen to, read or discuss the news… my two younger sons were discussing politics yesterday and within a few minutes, I developed a yawning attack and started to dissociate… they both noticed and realised that it was too much for me and stopped.  So I just can’t go there anymore… I wish that the leaders of this country would prove to me that “I” am an important part of this nation also… that I belong… I wish I could feel their love and acceptance… I’m so hurt, because I don’t!)
 
So, there was the voting day fears today, because I honestly don’t feel safe in this country anymore because of the card thing... Anyway, my youngest sister called earlier to say she will take me to vote, so I went and apparently my name was still on the list (I would only need to register again if I moved home).  Thankfully, it was all quick and easy and I've done it! I'm so grateful that my sister thought to take me… I love her so much!
 
Not feeling 100% today... weak, shaky and anxious... struggling with dissociation... I think it's due to working on my book yesterday and going through a chapter on Mother's Day 2013, when I sent my mom a genuinely loving Mother’s Day message and she responded by basically telling me to *#%@ $ff! So, that has stirred some uncomfortable, mixed emotions in me as it's so close to our Mother’s Day right now...
 
The child in me still so longs for her mother's love and for an opportunity to be able to love my mother now, but she won't let my sister and I love her... she doesn't want us in her life and never did... right as far back as her trying to abort me before I was even born... HUMPH!
 
I think I need to adopt a mother… like my dear old friend who I used to visit regularly… dear Norma… I miss her so much.  I moved away from the area where she lived, and she has since passed away.  I loved my visits to Norma so much, because they did me good.
 
Seems, I have become too busy and too housebound to visit old folk now.  Just yesterday, one of the neighbours visited me with some old clothes to try on that another old lady had disposed of.  A few of the items fitted, thankfully.  I’m still struggling with the weight I gained over the last few months, so not everything fitted (I feel like I’m permanently hungry again… just like I always did before I gained control over my eating in my 50’s.  When I really think about the hungry feelings, I realise that they feel the same as anxiety… the doom and gloom anxiety… or Chicken Licken anxiety… “The sky is falling down”… I have to find a way back to controlling this problem that I struggled with most of my life… I don’t want it to come back full-time again!)
 
While my neighbour friend was visiting, she told me that the old man in the house behind ours had passed away in the morning.  I felt so sad that I’d not yet visited him.  I was waiting for a gate to be built in my back wall… (when I could afford it) … that would allow me to visit people inside the complex without having to leave my yard on the “scary” street side where I’d have to go around to the main gate.  As easy as that sounds, I just could not find the courage inside of me to do it… leaving my house is hard enough at the best of times.  But I feel a gate in my back wall, leading directly into the interior of the complex would be safer and I am sure that I’d have a better chance of visiting old folk in the complex from time to time then… it would be so good for this heart of mine.  Hearing about the old man passing away before I’d ever had a chance to visit him, reminded me of this very sad poem:
 
Around the Corner
               
Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end;
Yet days go by, and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone,
And I never see my old friend's face,
For Life is a swift and terrible race.
He knows I like him just as well
As in the days when I rang his bell
And he rang mine. We were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men:
Tired with playing a foolish game,
Tired with trying to make a name.
"Tomorrow," I say, "I will call on Jim,
Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
But tomorrow comes--and tomorrow goes,
And the distances between us grows and grows.
Around the corner!—yet miles away . . .
"Here's a telegram, sir . . ."
                                                      "Jim died today."
And that's what we get, and deserve in the end:
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
 
~ Charles Hanson Towne
 
I am truly sorry and sad that I let the old man behind me down, as a result of my fears!  I must be braver… I must do better! 
 
Yesterday… yesterday I lost a dear friend, who I had not even met yet and I am so sad about that.
 
A Golden opportunity and a Gift of LOVE from life… LOST FOREVER!
 
And talking about neighbours, I was happy to receive a very beautiful and loving letter from one of my friends, in response to my last blog post about my direct next door neighbours whose car was stolen the other day.  I printed the beautiful letter out and made a stack of scones and put both the scones and the letter on the bonnet of their car early this morning.  I’m sure that must have been a lovely surprise for them when they found it.  I hope it warmed their hearts and took away some of the pain of their recent car theft.  Thank you to the wonderful friend who responded to my blog post… thank you for sharing your love with my neighbours 💖
 
Wool allergy (I’m also very allergic to feathers, dust, etc.)
Colder mornings… I’ve developed almost complete deafness in my left ear for well over a week now and a rushing sound and some ringing, some dizzy days and it’s even causing me to feel very tired… I just want to sit when it’s bad.  There’s even a mild sting inside my ear.  This happens every year when it gets cold… I can’t type with cold fingers, so I put on my wooly gloves… the result… an allergic reaction.  For Mother’s Day this year, I’ve asked my children to all chip in to buy me some leather gloves… or something like that which doesn’t have any wool or fluff on the outside.
 
And on the subject of ears…
 
Grandchild’s song… sets off an ear-worm!
So, one last story to share with you all…  On the 12th April, I attended an evening at church, where Easter was celebrated in music and song, and my granddaughter sang the closing song.  Well, for me it was an emotional evening, because the singing was so beautiful and I was feeling the love of and for all who attended, but, when it was my granddaughters time to sing, my heart was touched so deeply beyond words by her beautiful voice and the lovely words of her song.  How I wish I could share her singing with you all here. 
 
Well, I think that due to the high emotions I experienced, that song got stuck in my head DAY AND NIGHT for 8 days!  I thought I was going to go right off my rocker!  And now that I’ve brought this subject up, I sincerely hope it doesn’t start all over again!
 
I’ve tried to fathom why that happened… but I think it’s because… on my inner-child, Patty level… my granddaughter is living Patty’s dream.  Patty never had the opportunities that my grandchildren are having… Patty never had a parent who encouraged her to become her best.  I honestly believe that when I watch my grandchildren achieving “their greatness”, Patty is sharing it with them in a vicarious way… a delightful way… a happy way.  I cannot tell you how much I love my sons and daughter in laws for being the great parents that they are to my grandchildren.  I value this so much, that it is beyond my ability to express just how much it means to me… I feel overwhelmed with gratitude whenever I try to think about all that my grandchildren are achieving, because of the extra WORK, TIME and LOVE that their parents are putting in for their sake.
 
I think Patty has a dream… she wants me to sing that song with my granddaughter… she wants to live her dream… she wants to feel like she is an amazing somebody also.  Who knows… someday it might actually happen.  (keeping in mind, that if I try to sing in public, my throat goes into a knot and I just can't!)
 
Below I’ve posted a link concerning the ear-worms… I’ve tried the chewing gum… it didn’t work for me… I just ended up chewing in time to the beat of the song going round and round in my head.  I tried concentrating on my work and playing other music… but still the ear-worm stayed… 8 days of the same tune being stuck in my head is a long-long time!  I’ve had ear-worms in the past, but this one was ridiculous!
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2017/03/21/heres-how-get-song-out-your-head/99264896/
 
Thank you for sharing with me today
 
~ Panayiota