Theory of Logotherapy Dream Interpretation (a handout I share with the students after presenting LDI to them)
LOGOTHERAPY DREAM INTERPRETATION ~ Presented by Panayiota
Created using personal experience and an article called: Theory on Interpretation of Dreams
~ Logotherapy Immediate Workshop Manual – 2009
 
“Dreams - can reflect hopes and wishes form the unconscious, not only repressed aggression and lust, but calls from the conscious towards meaningful behaviour.  Advice from the unconscious to the conscious.”  
 
“Frankl has an expanded concept of the unconscious.  He asserts that it contains, also, repressed hopes, goals, and meanings to which dreams are royal roads.”
 
A Frankl quote from his concentration camp experience:  
“What was really needed was a fundamental change in our attitude toward life.  We had to learn ourselves and, furthermore, we had to teach the despairing men, that it did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us” (Frankl 2008:85) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning
 
“Viktor Frankl.... sees the unconscious not only in a psychological but also in a spiritual dimension as a royal road into a much wider land.  It can lead to meaning.”
 
“Dreams may make you aware of repressed drives and traumas that are too painful to face.  But dreams may also convey advice from the conscience. A dream interpretation from this perspective can help you to discover what is meaningful.” 
 
“Because the messages in dreams are often hard to understand, because of their symbolic nature, it is often easier to elicit ideas from your client using metaphors, fantasies and imagery.”
 
So, if you find that you aren’t able to help your client to interpret a dream... and maybe they don’t even have a dream to work on, then using metaphorical stories or images could be another way to elicit ideas from your client for you to both work on together. 

The Logotherapist’s task, is to help the client come to their own answers for their dream.
 
Your client could either do a collage, draw, model or write a story to illustrate where they are coming from, or the Logotherapist could show them a video that might elicit ideas.
 
Helping a client to Interpret their dreams
 

• Explain to the client about how Logotherapy dream Interpretation works whilst prompting them to find their own meaning message which has been given to them through their dream...
• Note:  LDI is NOT a fortune telling tool... it is more a revealing of personal revelation. (the answers are inside the dreamer already, they just need to work out what those answers are, and dreams are a beautiful way of doing that).
• Only the client can know the answers and meaning messages of their own dreams.
• Important factors need to be taken into consideration by the Logotherapist and brought to the client’s attention.
• What is going on in the client’s life at the time of their dream.
• The client’s history... some of which might only be revealed because of their dream.
• Everything they saw, felt, experienced in their dream.
• Their thoughts and feelings after their dream.
• The therapist needs to listen very carefully to every aspect of the clients dream experience, prompting them to share every detail, including: smells, colours, people in their dream, emotions, actions and reactions of themselves or others in the dream, but most importantly, the client’s part in their dream, and if they can remember any animals, things, atmosphere, objects, where the dream is, Immediate and distant surroundings/views in the dream, etc.
• Ask the client to try to tell you what they think their dream is trying to tell them that might be a positive, helpful, meaningful, healing message to them from their dream. 
• Help your client to see the blessing of their dream.

 
LDI can be done only on the vivid dreams that remain pretty much intact when you wake up from them. 
 
Dreams that we don’t remember when we wake, I believe, have already been absorbed into the three dimensions of consciousness (conscious, unconscious and spiritual) where the dream has been processed for our benefit.
 
“Dreams that we don’t remember may also have been buried, because we are not ready for them yet.” ~ Dr. Kanda Kalala
 
Perhaps the spiritual level of consciousness feels we are ready, but our subconscious denies the message due to fear, etc.
 
Dreams help us to become more meaning aware and orientated.  The dreams meaning messages become clearer subconsciously, gradually becoming conscious over time.
 
Once the “meaning message” of a dream has been established through “Logotherapy Dream Interpretation”, the dreamer will never need to dream that dream again as has been my experience, and that of my clients.
 
TWO RECENT NIGHTMARES
 
History leading up to my first nightmare
Around the 8th of this month, I wrote on another blog post, about how I was struggling with Mother’s Day approaching on the 12th May and remembering the pain of my own mother’s rejection and my ever-present lifelong longings for a mother’s love to reach me still.
 
1st nightmare ~ A beautiful little white foal
So, it was around then that I had a nightmare.  Myself and my two youngest children are walking on a beautiful, lush green lawn just in front of what I imagine is our house… not sure though.  In-between us and the house there are two large horses, both rolling on the soft grass and enjoying the sunshine.  We are unable to get to the front door, because the horses are in the way and we don’t know if we can trust them. 
 
There is also a most beautiful little white foal with them, and as soon as it sees us, it comes bounding over excitedly and is trying to attract my attention, nudging me with its nose, begging me to take notice of it and wanting me to play with it.
 
In my heart, I felt an absolute longing to play with it too… it was so sweet and friendly.  I wanted so much to hug it and look into its eyes and be friends with it, but I knew that I couldn’t, because I saw how its mother had stopped rolling on the grass and was looking very concerned about her foal being near us.
 
I told my children that we needed to walk faster and try to get away from the foal, before the mother comes… she could be dangerous.  So we went around the side of the house as fast as we could and as we turned the corner, I saw through the corner of my eye, the mother getting up… I felt afraid… she was coming! 
 
We walked as fast as we could… afraid to run, in case we excited the foal too much and upset the mother more.  We turned around the back of the house… the little foal right behind us all the way.  I told the children not to speak to it or touch it… I felt so sad that we had to ignore it, but we had to stay safe.
 
We could hear the mother coming, although she did not catch up with us… she was always on one side of the house behind us, so we couldn’t see her.  We turn around the other side of the house and then around to the front of the house (the other horse was also gone)… we could feel the mother horse was getting closer… I felt very afraid.  We climbed the steps and I banged on the front door a few times with my fist because it was locked (I have no idea who I imagined was going to come and save us by opening the door!).  The foal is with us and jumping around excitedly… its mother was almost around the last corner, she would see us soon.  I tell the children to stand flush against the door with me… we must stay as still as statues and not say a thing.  We must ignore the foal and even the mother, until they go away… the mother is just rounding the last side of the house back to the front yard… and then I wake up!
 
What would you say about this dream?
I’d like to encourage my readers to think about what the meaning message in my dream could have been for me.  What positive message was my dream trying to convey to me to help me deal with something in the here and now of my life.  Keep in mind that only I, the dreamer of my dream, would know for sure what the true meaning message of my dream is once I’ve worked it out… (thinking about what struggles I’d recently been facing… What was happening in my life at the time?  What answers might I need to receive to help me cope? etc.  Think about the Mother’s Day rejection-dilemma that had been haunting me at the time… would that tie in perhaps with the dream) A Logotherapist might help me to see other meaningful aspects that I might have missed and there's always more to add if assessing the psychological possibilities of the dream... for example: Why did I not even try to open the front door first?  Why did I instead choose to stay stuck against the door as still as a statue, shutting my eyes and being completely quiet (? escaping reality and fears), rather than taking some other action?  Am I even afraid of what's on the other side of the door, due to lack of trust in my future?  There could be plenty more answers, but those are not as important to me, as "What is the meaning message of my dream?"
 
My LDI interpretation of this dream
In view of the history leading up to the dream, I believe that the dream was telling me to try to find a way to turn my back on my mother’s painful Mother’s Day rejection of 2013… it’s no use hoping against hope.  It was also telling me that I am not left alone without her in my life… I still have my children (and others) standing by me and I have their love.  I have never deliberately failed them and I trust that they believe in my unconditional love for them and that I did my best to protect them when they were young even though I couldn’t save them from all our struggles whilst living with our abuser no matter how hard I tried.  I believe that the persistent little white foal in my dream that wanted nothing more than my/our love and attention, represented the innocence of my own inner child, Patty, who was so abused and rejected by her mother.  That it was not about my mother anymore, or Patty and what she suffered “then”, (mother could never reach her again to hurt her as she did before), but rather about Patty now and her pure heart, still longing for my love… meaning, that I need to continue to work hard to embrace and reassure her that she is completely loved and accepted… to give myself (my deserving inner self, Patty, and even Patricia) all that was never given to me by my own mother… to embrace myself in such a way as to be able to look at myself in the mirror and trust that I’m okay, just as I am and that I am not to allow my past to continue to frighten and shame me through the negative behaviours of others towards me, or to continue to cause me such deep sadness at times such as Mother’s Day.
 
So that, I believe, was the meaning message that I took from that dream and I am so grateful for LDI and the reassuring answers it gives to me and the sense of peace that is also given.
 
History leading up to my 2nd nightmare
Over the weekend, I was hurt and disappointed once more by people who I once again trusted (I keep forgiving them, every time they let me down, because I love them and want to trust them)… [for clarity… this is not about family, although I’d often thought about them as family]… Anyway, these people broke my trust once again, and I went away feeling so disappointed. 
 
It was late, so, because I needed to pick up my youngest son from work in two hours, I didn’t go straight home.  I stopped off to fill up my car with petrol and visit my middle son and family who live close to my youngest son’s place of work.  I had a bit of a wait in the dark because both my sons did not see their messages straight away… I had asked my youngest son if he had a lift home, because if he did, I could go straight home… and I asked my middle son if I could visit at his house while waiting.  Both boys responded at the same time and because I did not need to pick up my youngest son, I went home. 
 
Driving up the hill, I realised that I was feeling very fearful… I was traveling alone and it was dark… usually I wouldn’t feel so fearful, because I was on the trip home and should have been feeling okay about that, but I was having intrusive thoughts of a possible hijacking, or an accident.  I kept stopping the thoughts, but they were relentless.  Even when I arrived home, my pulse was racing and I felt so afraid… as if someone was waiting to ambush me as I drove into my gate, etc.  I remained anxious until I finally fell asleep after taking ¼ sleeping pill, because I already knew that I was going to struggle to sleep if I didn’t.  The next morning I woke anxious… felt fearful all day long and struggled to fall asleep once more, even though I felt desperately tired. 
 
2nd nightmare ~ dirty hands
I dreamed that I was in a room, I had just used the toilet (I’ve worked out, that if I dream about a toilet, it’s always with no doors and only one wall which the toilet is against and there are strangers present and some walking past… and the dream always comes when I’m feeling particularly exposed and vulnerable, so the opened door, no-walls toilet is a representation of these feelings) … The people weren’t taking notice of me, but there was no privacy and I felt very uncomfortable and forgot to flush.  
 
For some reason, I had a little desk near the toilet and I’m sitting at the desk drawing.  I draw a childish little stick figure of my mother and write MOM underneath it.  As I’m drawing it, in my heart, I’m longing for her to love and accept me also.  (I’ve reproduced the picture as I remember it from my dream, using my non-dominant hand, to share it with you all here on this post).
 
As I finish the picture, my mother comes up from behind me which gives me such a fright that I quickly crumpled up my picture and threw it in the toilet hoping she wouldn’t see (she wouldn’t understand if she saw it), but as I looked at her, I realised she saw me do it.  She chatted with me for a while as if she was my friend, but suddenly she dove toward the toilet, giving me a terrible fright, almost knocking me over and stuck her hand in it so fast… there was nothing I could do to stop her… I felt horrified!
 
“What did you throw in there!” she’s shouting in front of all the people passing by, and I’m (frightened and embarrassed) pleading with her, “It’s nothing important mommy”… but she is relentless and digs through the contents of the toilet looking for the paper I threw in… then, she’s just found it and she’s opening it up…  and that's when I wake up!
 
What would you say about the meaning message of this dream?
Give LDI a try before reading on.  See if you would be able to help me to interpret the meaningful message held within my dream if you were my Logotherapist.
 
My LDI interpretation of the dream
I believe that my dream was simply letting me know that what I had done for my friends (represented by the drawing of my mother), was done out of love, and that my mother's reaction, (sticking her hand in the toilet to grab what she wanted), resulted in her hands getting dirty. 
 
The dream tells me clearly, that I should not have to be taking on the blame for what happened.  I need to stop seeing the bad behaviours of others as “my shame”, or that I’m not good enough to be loved and respected or honoured by them.  That their bad behaviours do not have to reflect on me, causing me to feel exposed, shamed and dirty…
 
My mother’s abuse of me, no longer has to dictate how I should feel about myself when others treat me in much the same way as she did.
 
I did a kindness… I did nothing wrong… and in the end, that’s the SHINE that I believe my Father in Heaven will see emanating from my heart when I meet Him.  In the meantime, I will do everything in my power to keep my own hands and heart clean.
 
Thank you for sharing with me once more.
 
~ Panayiota.

I LOVED Saturdays baking day which was so fun 😊 and I will cherish those memories forever 💖
 
I am grateful for all that my Greek (step)mom taught me and gave to my life, but most especially grateful that my little sister who grew up full time with her, remembers so much and is able to remind me every year and help me to continue to be nurtured by the memories of gifts still given by our Greek mom's love, which I have cherished in my heart of hearts since I was just a little girl, visiting my beloved Greek family on school holidays.  Without such beautiful reminders and memories being kept alive in me, I would never be where I am today 💖
 
After my lovely day with my sister and family, I finished the day off marking a Logotherapy student’s portfolio.
 
2nd May ~ I wrote…
“My beloved little brother Peter (Petros)... He would have been 60 yesterday, 1 May, on his birthday and today, 2nd May 2005, he died due to having an epileptic seizure in his sleep.  He developed epilepsy during his adolescence.
 
“My heart still aches every year on the 1st and 2nd of May.  I love you my brother... Happy Birthday for yesterday, and thinking of you with love today on your Love Day... 💖 … We will meet again 💖”
 
I am so grateful to believe and know without doubt that Peter is still with me in spirit 💖
 
We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it | Nora McInerny
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khkJkR-ipfw
 
4th May…
Today I was invited to my daughter’s house for lunch, because my very caring son in law had offered to do some work on my car.  He likes to do a mini service on it every so often which I appreciate very much!  I am truly blessed to have them both in my life.
 
Before I went to them, I decided to quickly go to our local hypermarket, to exchange some sugar free chewing gums that my youngest son had brought for me a few days earlier.  The gums he had brought were the ones I am allergic to.  At the time of the day that I drove to the mall, the streets were very busy and when I arrived, there were so many people walking all over the streets, that they even slowed me down at the entrance to the shopping mall.  Between the people and cars moving in every direction, I started to feel a little suffocated, but I persevered to the underground parking, but even in there, it was so packed with parked and moving cars and people, that I was thrown right out of my comfort zone and started to panic.  I finally found a parking but found myself glued to my seat once my car stopped moving.  I wanted to go into the shops, but it honestly felt as though I was tied to my chair and couldn’t move (paralysed with fear)... something that has not happened in a long time.  So, almost in tears, I realised that the shopping trip was out of the question and waited until I felt brave enough to leave… from there, I went to my daughter’s house… still too many cars on the streets on the way there.  It was lovely to be distracted and able to relax and enjoy being at my daughter's house, with her and my son in law and their two dogs which I adore and they seem to absolutely love me also.
 
After my visit there, I went home for a short time, but soon had to go pick up my youngest son from work around 8pm… so, I left early enough to visit my second son on the way, to wish him Happy 38th Birthday… My goodness, how time flies… one day, not so long ago it seems, I was holding him as a baby in my arms… thank goodness for still being able to enjoy HUGS!
 
Straight from visiting him, I went to pick up my youngest son from work on that horrible, scary, dark road that I really don’t enjoy traveling on at night…
 
The day was all too much… by Sunday, I knew that I was not going to be able to leave my home for church… there was too little left, so I just chilled for the rest of the day. 
 
Fitted in also on the 4th May, I continued the Messenger conversation with my Friend who I had chatted with on the 1st May… (Blog post: Conversation with a friend ~ Loving unconditionally.)  My friend shared with me, more about her lonely struggles and I once again deeply empathised with her, understanding that she had real reason to be so unhappy under such hurtful and lonely circumstances.  I tried to help her to see that sometimes, we make things worse for ourselves as a result of our reactions to our pain and sufferings… (even by our own thoughts and words)… that we worsen the very problem we are fighting to “right”…  I wanted to get across to this dear friend, the message of “thinking before we speak”… taming our thoughts and our words... allowing our words to be based on higher, more spiritual thought processes…
 
“How could I handle this situation more spiritually?  What would be the right thing to say and do in this moment?  How could my words or actions affect this situation?  What kind of impact is my behaviour having on myself or others?” etc.
 
I somehow wanted her to visualize for herself, how what she says… the way she says it… tone of voice… attitude… body language… etc. could ultimately improve or negatively affect the perspective of not only the person she talks to, but her own life and degree of peace and happiness too… that what she says and does, could also be directly affecting the way others are choosing to relate to her.  I shared with her, that by handling difficult and painful situations in an unequally spiritual and more gentle and loving way, could make miracles happen and that I’d proved it in my own life, over and over 💖🙏

My intent was to get across a message about the uniquely spiritual nature and spiritual dimension of the human being... some people would interpret this through religion, and others, by the mere fact that we are human beings.  

“…being human means being confronted continually with situations, each of which is at once a chance and a challenge, giving us a “chance” to fulfill ourselves by meeting the “challenge” to fulfill its meaning.  Each situation is a call, first to listen, and then to respond.” (Frankl, 2000, p.126) ~ Man’s Search for Ultimate Meaning

“A characteristic of human existence, for example, is its transcendence.   Man transcends his environment toward the world; but more than this, he also transcends his being toward an ought, when he rises above the level of the somatic and the psychic and enters the realm of the genuinely human, the spirit, the Noös.” (Havenga Coetzer, 2003, p35) ~ Viktor Frankl’s Avenues to Meaning
 
I worried about my friend’s response and felt I might have failed her in what I had tried to share.
 
FRIEND
I know, and I live by my belief in the Lord.  Now, I need to focus on how to make sure that my son knows that he is mocking God by telling us he is gay because God won’t find him a wife.
 
Panayiota (My response was pretty much very straight to the point, because I just didn’t know what else to say)
“No... all you need to do is let him know you love him. The more you push your religious values the more you will push him away from his own. Please believe me. The only way you can convince him that there is a God looking over his life is in LOVE and through LOVE. I would not even mention religion to him... I'd just love him... He needs to make his own choices and will have more chance of making the right choices to his own Life question if he is feeling loved and accepted. (not necessarily your right choices according to your religious values... It seems they are no longer his religious values... He needs to establish his own values, and those might be better than the apparently nothing he is living now) If he is not feeling totally loved and accepted soon, he will have nowhere else to turn, but to where love and acceptance will find him... No matter how much you protest then, You WILL lose any chance of saving him.  Worry about your own salvation and pray only for his...”
 
My friend did not respond, but gratefully, she is still with me as I still see her participating on my Facebook posts, and I feel confident that she knows and trusts that I am still around should she ever need to message me again.   
 
I see a woman who seems to have lost a sense of control over the love and attention that she is so desperately crying out for (see comments section on a previous blog post, posted 1st May)… I have a feeling that she feels desperate about not being able to draw love and attention back to herself from those who should love her.  I imagine that in her frustration, the way she has been going about obtaining what she needs, is proving to not be working… and when we find that something is not working for us anymore, perhaps then it’s time to try something new…
 
I ask: “If her son did take on his mother’s values because that’s what she demands of him, would that prove to her that his love for her is real, or would there possibly then be other unanswered questions surfacing… ?”
 
I leave it there and that will be the end of this discussion.  If anyone wants to add, please e-mail me at pattyskeys@gmail.com and if I feel anything can genuinely help my friend from what you share, and will not hurt her more than she is already hurting, then I will share it with her and if she would allow, I’d share it as a blog post.
 
I pray with all my heart, that in some way, I have been able to help my friend, even if only a little 💖🙏✨
 
Another friend ~ another conversation: 
Chatting with another friend just yesterday, she asked a question, reminding me about what I was taught by my mentor once, that has helped me so much.  That sometimes the pain and the damage is so deep that it cannot be forgotten or just done away with or easily understood, and it’s not something that can just be “fixed” by others.  The pain and damage exist, and we have to somehow learn to live with it and deal with it in such a way, so as not to hurt others or ourselves.
 
I wrote from my memory, what our mentor had shared with me:
Tucking away the fear, pain and anger… That’s how the Holocaust survivors managed to go on.  They couldn’t continue living in the world as victims carrying all the horror with them in an open way, and there could be no way to just let it all go (and they should never be expected to)… nobody could take their lived experience away from them… it could NOT just be forgotten as if it had never happened… So, they learned to tuck it away for the sake of a greater good, because few others could ever understand it in the way that they had experienced their sufferings anyway…
 
So, it’s almost like, even the horrors that we’ve born, are meant to be sacred to us, because they belong to our unique personal experience.  They were not meant for others to bear with us in the same way we bore/bear them.  We did not bear our sufferings so that we could use our experience to hurt others, instead we bore them, so that we could grow in wisdom, love, humility and grace.  Only we are ever able to travel our own unique path… So, we alone, often have to go on with our burdens (tucked away)… we have to rise up, to be victorious over our sufferings regardless of any desperate needs we might have for loving support and understanding to come and lift our burdens for us.
 
I wrote:
TUCKING AWAY THE FEAR, THE PAIN AND THE ANGER!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Do not express it… go on… go on
Hold it all in… quieten that sad song
Do not express it… do not cry out
Do not argue… do not shout
 
Tuck it away… go on… go on
Who can hear your mournful song
Alone you must find a way out of ‘that place’
To discover your true self… to see your own face
 
Who can help you, or dry those tears
Alone you must conquer your own bitter fears
Find your own strength!  YOU MUST!  YOU MUST
Search your own light, for it’s YOU, you must trust
 
Move forward… climb high… never give in
Hold tightly God’s hand… life’s between you and Him
Grasp your life’s meaning… life’s purpose for you
It’s all that is left!  It’s what you must do
 
Try to believe it and never let go
If it’s meant to be, then it WILL be so
When you defiantly stand for your good and your true
Then nothing can stop the course meant for you
 
You are unique and so is your work
So do not abandon it and do not shirk
The world is waiting for what you can give
Sharing your purpose is the true way to live
 
Keep moving forward
Life’s blessings will come
Emerge from the darkness
Enter the sun
 
~ Panayiota
(26 October 2010 – Thank you dear mentor)

​5th – 7th May – It’s a quieter time at work, so I’ve started working on my book again, and once again, I am being affected by the work on a psychological level.  I have to get this book done asap, so that I can somehow put my past behind me for once and for all by not having to regurgitate it over and over as has happened in the process of writing the book… Enough already!
 
8th May – Voting day in SA.
I nearly didn't get to vote today, because I didn't get to register and thought I had to.  My youngest son was working on the registration day and I wasn't going to go there on my own then, or to vote today... he's working today also!  And on top of that, I've developed a genuine fear based, no-trust image of this country, because they won't give me the ID card, because I was born in Rhodesia... now Zimbabwe... Yet I've been a naturalised citizen of this country for well over 30 years now!  So I am really unhappy about the fact that I'm still not good enough or accepted enough in this country to receive the ID card and must stick with the green book instead… This country, I have for so long called my home!  That HURTS BIG TIME!!!  Another painful source of rejection and not belonging for me...
 
(I don’t listen to, read or discuss the news… my two younger sons were discussing politics yesterday and within a few minutes, I developed a yawning attack and started to dissociate… they both noticed and realised that it was too much for me and stopped.  So I just can’t go there anymore… I wish that the leaders of this country would prove to me that “I” am an important part of this nation also… that I belong… I wish I could feel their love and acceptance… I’m so hurt, because I don’t!)
 
So, there was the voting day fears today, because I honestly don’t feel safe in this country anymore because of the card thing... Anyway, my youngest sister called earlier to say she will take me to vote, so I went and apparently my name was still on the list (I would only need to register again if I moved home).  Thankfully, it was all quick and easy and I've done it! I'm so grateful that my sister thought to take me… I love her so much!
 
Not feeling 100% today... weak, shaky and anxious... struggling with dissociation... I think it's due to working on my book yesterday and going through a chapter on Mother's Day 2013, when I sent my mom a genuinely loving Mother’s Day message and she responded by basically telling me to *#%@ $ff! So, that has stirred some uncomfortable, mixed emotions in me as it's so close to our Mother’s Day right now...
 
The child in me still so longs for her mother's love and for an opportunity to be able to love my mother now, but she won't let my sister and I love her... she doesn't want us in her life and never did... right as far back as her trying to abort me before I was even born... HUMPH!
 
I think I need to adopt a mother… like my dear old friend who I used to visit regularly… dear Norma… I miss her so much.  I moved away from the area where she lived, and she has since passed away.  I loved my visits to Norma so much, because they did me good.
 
Seems, I have become too busy and too housebound to visit old folk now.  Just yesterday, one of the neighbours visited me with some old clothes to try on that another old lady had disposed of.  A few of the items fitted, thankfully.  I’m still struggling with the weight I gained over the last few months, so not everything fitted (I feel like I’m permanently hungry again… just like I always did before I gained control over my eating in my 50’s.  When I really think about the hungry feelings, I realise that they feel the same as anxiety… the doom and gloom anxiety… or Chicken Licken anxiety… “The sky is falling down”… I have to find a way back to controlling this problem that I struggled with most of my life… I don’t want it to come back full-time again!)
 
While my neighbour friend was visiting, she told me that the old man in the house behind ours had passed away in the morning.  I felt so sad that I’d not yet visited him.  I was waiting for a gate to be built in my back wall… (when I could afford it) … that would allow me to visit people inside the complex without having to leave my yard on the “scary” street side where I’d have to go around to the main gate.  As easy as that sounds, I just could not find the courage inside of me to do it… leaving my house is hard enough at the best of times.  But I feel a gate in my back wall, leading directly into the interior of the complex would be safer and I am sure that I’d have a better chance of visiting old folk in the complex from time to time then… it would be so good for this heart of mine.  Hearing about the old man passing away before I’d ever had a chance to visit him, reminded me of this very sad poem:
 
Around the Corner
               
Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end;
Yet days go by, and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone,
And I never see my old friend's face,
For Life is a swift and terrible race.
He knows I like him just as well
As in the days when I rang his bell
And he rang mine. We were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men:
Tired with playing a foolish game,
Tired with trying to make a name.
"Tomorrow," I say, "I will call on Jim,
Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
But tomorrow comes--and tomorrow goes,
And the distances between us grows and grows.
Around the corner!—yet miles away . . .
"Here's a telegram, sir . . ."
                                                      "Jim died today."
And that's what we get, and deserve in the end:
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
 
~ Charles Hanson Towne
 
I am truly sorry and sad that I let the old man behind me down, as a result of my fears!  I must be braver… I must do better! 
 
Yesterday… yesterday I lost a dear friend, who I had not even met yet and I am so sad about that.
 
A Golden opportunity and a Gift of LOVE from life… LOST FOREVER!
 
And talking about neighbours, I was happy to receive a very beautiful and loving letter from one of my friends, in response to my last blog post about my direct next door neighbours whose car was stolen the other day.  I printed the beautiful letter out and made a stack of scones and put both the scones and the letter on the bonnet of their car early this morning.  I’m sure that must have been a lovely surprise for them when they found it.  I hope it warmed their hearts and took away some of the pain of their recent car theft.  Thank you to the wonderful friend who responded to my blog post… thank you for sharing your love with my neighbours 💖
 
Wool allergy (I’m also very allergic to feathers, dust, etc.)
Colder mornings… I’ve developed almost complete deafness in my left ear for well over a week now and a rushing sound and some ringing, some dizzy days and it’s even causing me to feel very tired… I just want to sit when it’s bad.  There’s even a mild sting inside my ear.  This happens every year when it gets cold… I can’t type with cold fingers, so I put on my wooly gloves… the result… an allergic reaction.  For Mother’s Day this year, I’ve asked my children to all chip in to buy me some leather gloves… or something like that which doesn’t have any wool or fluff on the outside.
 
And on the subject of ears…
 
Grandchild’s song… sets off an ear-worm!
So, one last story to share with you all…  On the 12th April, I attended an evening at church, where Easter was celebrated in music and song, and my granddaughter sang the closing song.  Well, for me it was an emotional evening, because the singing was so beautiful and I was feeling the love of and for all who attended, but, when it was my granddaughters time to sing, my heart was touched so deeply beyond words by her beautiful voice and the lovely words of her song.  How I wish I could share her singing with you all here. 
 
Well, I think that due to the high emotions I experienced, that song got stuck in my head DAY AND NIGHT for 8 days!  I thought I was going to go right off my rocker!  And now that I’ve brought this subject up, I sincerely hope it doesn’t start all over again!
 
I’ve tried to fathom why that happened… but I think it’s because… on my inner-child, Patty level… my granddaughter is living Patty’s dream.  Patty never had the opportunities that my grandchildren are having… Patty never had a parent who encouraged her to become her best.  I honestly believe that when I watch my grandchildren achieving “their greatness”, Patty is sharing it with them in a vicarious way… a delightful way… a happy way.  I cannot tell you how much I love my sons and daughter in laws for being the great parents that they are to my grandchildren.  I value this so much, that it is beyond my ability to express just how much it means to me… I feel overwhelmed with gratitude whenever I try to think about all that my grandchildren are achieving, because of the extra WORK, TIME and LOVE that their parents are putting in for their sake.
 
I think Patty has a dream… she wants me to sing that song with my granddaughter… she wants to live her dream… she wants to feel like she is an amazing somebody also.  Who knows… someday it might actually happen.  (keeping in mind, that if I try to sing in public, my throat goes into a knot and I just can't!)
 
Below I’ve posted a link concerning the ear-worms… I’ve tried the chewing gum… it didn’t work for me… I just ended up chewing in time to the beat of the song going round and round in my head.  I tried concentrating on my work and playing other music… but still the ear-worm stayed… 8 days of the same tune being stuck in my head is a long-long time!  I’ve had ear-worms in the past, but this one was ridiculous!
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2017/03/21/heres-how-get-song-out-your-head/99264896/
 
Thank you for sharing with me today
 
~ Panayiota

​You might remember me writing about my new neighbours some time ago… the ones that I felt so afraid of when they moved in?  Well, things have gotten so much better between us thank goodness.  We don’t visit or bug each other, but all the time, one or the other is reaching out in kindness.  Like, I might give vegetables and herbs from my garden and preserves, etc., and when Shem was here the other day to mow my roadside lawn, he knows to do the neighbours lawn to the one side of me too, because we share the front lawn, and they are very old.  At the same time, he mowed the other lawn on the other side of our driveway… the one belonging to the neighbours I was afraid of before.  Shem is such a good man!
 
Those direct neighbours and I share our driveway and covered carport.  Our shared carport gates open independently so as not to bug each other when we come and go.  Once I asked Shem to come and mow my lawn when he had a chance, but before he could come, I noticed it had been mowed already… I later found out that my direct neighbours had done that.  Recently Shem cut down all the old leaves off our palm trees outside the yard, and at the same time, our neighbours were trimming their roadside lawn tree… so they offered to take our leaves and mess on the same load as theirs to dispose of it.  If they had not done that, Shem and I would have had to pack my car with it all and it would have been a huge, messy job, so it was such a blessing to have my neighbours help.
 
Well, on Friday evening, my neighbours car was stolen from outside their gate.  They had just arrived home and were unloading their groceries and within 10 minutes their car was gone.
 
I know what it feels like to have a car stolen! It’s a horrible, horrible feeling.  I also believe that these neighbours are struggling greatly. 
 
I might have a long list of things needing financial assistance, and I might list them sometime and ask for help again, but for now, they can wait, because right now, I would like to bless my neighbours to feel loved if at all possible, please.
 
On Saturday, I arrived home from my daughters’ house.  My son in law asked me to bring my car so that he could work on it.  He gave it a service… he is so kind and has taken it upon himself to do this from time to time for me.  How lovely he is… I love them both so much. 
 
Anyway… I had just arrived home and was also unloading the car and locking my gate, when I realised I’d locked my car doors… bag and car keys inside!  In my hand, I had my house keys, so I was grateful for that, because I could go inside and get my spar car keys in my room.  But, I get to my room door, and realise with horror, that I’d locked that on the way out earlier in the day and the keys are in my bag locked up in the car.  Oh dear! 
 
So I go over to the neighbours who are there thankfully and the elderly couple come over immediately to help me, armed with all their house keys to see if they fit… they didn’t… so they come with screwdrivers and both the man and lady are trying to unscrew the bedroom door handle to help me… but all the time the lady is crying and pouring out her heart to me about her stollen car. 
 
Her son had just managed to get a second car, so that his working mom could have one also to get herself to work.  That very morning (Friday), he’d gone and paid for it to be licensed… but now it was gone!  His mom was besides herself as tears streamed down her face as she was trying to unscrew the door handle with her husband also trying at the same time.  I didn’t stop her, because I think she needed to be doing something right then… she seemed so determined and so kind………….  Then just as all the screws are out, I remember that I didn’t put the keys into my bag as I usually ALWAYS do, but had put them somewhere else in the house…
 
Was that whole situation meant to happen for their sake, so that that dear lady could share her pain with her neighbour and receive some love…
 
Oh my goodness me, I felt so embarrassed and apologies profusely as I presented the keys and they screwed the door handle back on…
 
My memory problem is sooooo embarrassing! 
 
As they were leaving, I hugged my neighbour for a long time as she sobbed in my arms… surely, she needed to feel loved just then… and I felt the need to love her before she left because my heart ached for her too.
 
Anyway, the whole object of this letter, is that if anyone feels they could send/bring some love in the form of groceries, or anything that would uplift my neighbours, please do be so kind.
 
If you know me, then you know which is my house an which is theirs (no 18)… please just bring them a gift and tell them you heard that their car was stolen and you wanted to bless them.  You don’t need to mention me at all… I certainly wouldn’t want neighbours reading my blog posts… too close for comfort… hahaha!
 
Or if you prefer, you can bring your blessings to me to give to them, which I will gladly do.  Maybe bring it with a note from you and your family.
 
Lastly, if you want to make a donation, please reference it as Neighbourly love and I will pass it onto them. 

​Please help me to lift their spirits at this time of their loss… ♥
 
Thank you for sharing with my neighbours and I,
 
~ Panayiota

​My beloved little brother Peter [Petros] – (I have written about him at end of this post)

I had just written about my green balloon on the roof experience, when a struggling friend responded.  I have included (with permission), portions of our conversation below because I believe it will fit well with my recent posts.  
 
I ask that there is no “bashing” of this friend for her current reaction to her struggles.  This post is not about what a person does right or wrong according to our meter, but rather about gently guiding a person to find their “rightness” in their situation, as this friend is obviously crying out for… to find her sense of peace in that place where everything seems to be going so wrong and so often seems too overwhelming to deal with. 
 
As parents, and brothers and sisters, etc., we have ideas of how things should be, according to our own set values, our own imaginations, dreams, fantasies and wishes, etc.  I believe, that in the real world, and in a good, caring, loving and healing world, we learn that if love is to be unconditional, sometimes it is ourselves who have to find a way to change our attitude towards a situation and perhaps just to accept others “where they are”, especially those whom we are supposed to love unconditionally, even if what they are doing, or what they have become, goes against everything we have come to believe in, or been indoctrinated to believe in, etc. 
 
This is not about blindly accepting what is wrong in this world or in another person as we perceive wrong to be… it is about loving unconditionally where unconditional love is the one and only place where peace can still be found, regardless of a situation which sometimes is not in our power to change.  Often, changing our own attitude towards a “bad, wrong or difficult” situation that we have little control over, will greatly benefit not only ourselves, but other/s also.
 
I have interjected some Logotherapy quotes throughout

"Attitudinal values are values which we experience through the right attitudes we have towards life, especially towards inexplicable suffering” (Shantall, 2003, p.40) ~ The Quest for Destiny
 
“Attitudinal values rank higher than creative and experiential values” (Frankl, 2000, p.124) ~ Man’s Search for Ultimate Meaning
 
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms–to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.” (Frankl, 2008, p. 75) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning
 
So, when we believe we have tried everything else and we are left feeling totally hopeless and helpless to “change” the one we feel needs changing… why then don’t we instead, try LOVE…. Unconditional Love.  I have tried this, and have proved time and time again, that it works more powerfully than anything else.  The feelings of love must be real for it to work.
 
Conversation adapted/shortened for this blog post
 
FRIEND
I am going to try this Pan.
 
Panayiota
What's that (friend)?  Looking for signs of love, protection and goodness that are always coming to us?  I hope you get yours. I get mine also on the time... all the combinations of times, especially all the combinations of ones and twos which happen most, 11:11, 11:12, 21:21, but others also, such as, 14h14, 18h18, etc. I take those as signs that someone is with me and loves me. I see them when I glance at my watch quickly during work, or when I've just done something good or kind, such as I’ve just WhatsApped a friend with my love.  So, to me it's like Life is telling me "Thank you" or “You are loved”, and then in my own gratitude for believing this, I feel more inclined to do good, more often... so it all feels beautiful to me. Then there's the butterflies and birds that come to visit, just when I need a sign most, one will come fly right next to me, or even a bird landing on my back like what happened the other day. The more you become aware of the signs from Life (Heaven) that you are not alone, the more you see them... it's a beautiful thing dear friend, and so reassuring and life-strengthening.
 
FRIEND
Feeling the need for somebody from the otherside just coming to console me. Wanting so very much to accept the unacceptable, especially now that my son is trying to prove to us he is gay. Then, all of a sudden when I am thinking of somebody who has passed, I wish with all of my heart they were there. I am going to try to be a better person and try to find the love that I so long for from certain people. My son finally walked out of the house a week ago tomorrow, because he told everybody how unhappy he was here, and how much he hated me. Why, because I would always catch him out when he was on something or find his stuff. Some of the things you write about, about the balloon, and thanking whomever sent it, because you felt everything was going to be all right. I am going to try to find my 'allrightness'. It has to be somewhere, because the stress of the addiction, the dying of the overdose, and watching whilst they are brought back, and this nonsense that God hasn't found him a wife, so now he figures he is gay. Well, I am not as nice as you. I wish I could be, but I hammered my son and kept banging on the bathroom door, just to get his attention so that he wouldn't overdose again, so that I wouldn't have to call the Emergency number again, and I finally, out of desperation, told my son, that I would accept him as a Eunuch, but not a gay. Oh Pan, if only I could be like you.
 
Panayiota
Oh (my friend), living with an addict is the hardest of all. I haven't lived with one but I was there for one for a number of years during his youth in a kind of caring and loving aunty/counselling capacity, and it was so heart wrenching and exhausting trying to help someone who just could not find that place inside himself to help himself also. To have someone like that living with you I can imagine is beyond hard! So, I cannot criticize you for how you have been reacting to his addiction and the fear that has caused you to suffer so acutely.
 
“An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behaviour” (Frankl, 2006, p. 20). 
 
I see from my perspective, that there's only one thing you can do and that's realise that you cannot change the path of his unique journey.  I believe that he is sent on that path, not only to teach his own soul and to find his own way towards HIS unique spiritual growth, but his presence in your life must surely have also been a part of your own unique souls journey and in a spiritual sense, even a gift to help you to reach that place of your own progression.
 
What is life calling YOU to do under the extremely difficult circumstances that you have had to face?
 
“Our pain and sufferings are meant to awaken our spiritual aspirations. Life is always asking us, “What are we meant to discover in any particular situation?”” ~ Henry Mason
 
“To be sure, man is free to answer the questions he is asked by life.  But this freedom must not be confounded with arbitrariness.  It must be interpreted in terms of responsibleness.  Man is responsible for giving the right answer to a question for finding the true meaning of a situation.  And meaning is something to be found rather than to be given, discovered rather than invented.” (Frankl, 1988, p.62) ~ The Will to Meaning
 
Look for the signs from LIFE that are meant to reassure you that everything is as it should be "right now"... there is a reason for it all... YOU ARE NOT ALONE... someone is always with you from the other side, wanting to let you know that it's all going to turn out okay in the end, if you can just persevere and endure in faith until then.
 
If your son is choosing to take drugs, or to be gay, "right now", do you think that any of your condemnation against him is going to help him to make his own decisions for his own life and his own spiritual progress. If this is a journey he needs to take, then who are we to decide if it's the right or the wrong journey. Our churches and our interpretations of the bible teach us that it's a terrible sin... but I believe strongly, that ours is not to judge another human being for their choices... ours is only to LOVE.
 
With love, anything is possible... and it does not have to be OUR THING according to our perceptions and our upbringing and our churches teachings, etc. It is ultimately ONLY our Father in Heaven who will decide what is right and wrong for each person who stands before Him in the end... Only He will be able to read the whole story of that person's life and weigh it all in the Balance of Life... I believe that He will judge not on what we've done wrong according to our fellow man, or even according to our own conscious, or even according to how we have interpreted our bible, but He will judge only the level of TRUE & UNCONDITIONAL LOVE that we have developed for our fellow man (and all creation)... regardless of whether they are in our opinion, the filthy hobo on the side of the street, or our own wayward child... regardless of race, colour or creed. This is my belief and I believe that only LOVE can lift any curse... and that means, being able to truly love over whatever WE consider a curse... to love beyond and unconditionally... to love true.
 
If your son eventually dies as a result of HIS CHOICES, that will be the end only of THIS part of his progression and life's journey... I believe that we will still have more chances on the other side of THIS LIFE to continue to progress and to become what we were always meant to be, to do what we were always meant to do... in the end, I believe... ONLY LOVE CAN GET US THERE.
 
How can we learn to love unconditionally, or heal or progress, if we have never known unconditional love for the healing nourishment and upliftment of our own souls?
 
I wrote the following poem for my own son and I practiced what I preach here... and I have my son back... I have his love back... he visits me and we have long, wonderful conversations... I wish the same for you dear (my friend)... God be with you and your son.
 
ONLY LOVE CAN LIFT THE CURSE!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
He doesn’t want people to know him,
For he no longer knows himself,
He doesn’t want people to feel for him,
Because he no longer feels much for himself!
He doesn’t want people to celebrate for him,
For he celebrates not for himself,
He doesn’t want people to love him,
For he doesn’t love himself!
Don’t live for him; don’t die for him,
Don’t even exist for his life,
For he’s no longer living or dead,
And he doesn’t exist for himself!
He denies that he has a problem,
Yet he struggles in a lonely place,
Where he’s tried to rub out his own feelings,
And has even erased his own face!
Don’t hate him for who he’s becoming,
You will only make things so much worse!
Love him regardless, I beg of you,
For Only Love can lift the curse!
 
~ Panayiota
(8th July 2000)
 
FRIEND
Gosh Pan, I am so sorry for your problems. I love my children. 4 out of the 8 have taken strange paths, and right now I am totally numb. I have tired everything, but I am lost. I just sit and stare out of the window, and then try knitting, but my mind is locked up in some sort of box because of homosexuality, drugs, not living the gospel and most of all, one of my children telling me that I alienate most of my children. I feel that I am forsaken by my own family. Please, please just understand, and please, don't waste your time on me. Right now, I am just done with everything.
 
Panayiota
It is so obvious that you have been through more than you feel you can bear (my friend) and I don't have all the answers for you, and your situation, other than to share only what I have already tried and what worked for me. And the most powerful thing was to give up hoping that my child would be in my church or doing things that I felt he should be doing, and to just truly love him regardless and for him to know that without a moment's doubt.
 
I'm not sure how I would have dealt with the struggles you have... I might never have survived them, so I honour your strength. I managed to survive my own struggles, using the power of my unconditional love for my son... over time, it worked and he came back into my life more whole than I'd ever dreamed was still possible... and he might still not be in MY church, and I'm perfectly okay with that, because now he is at least free to discuss what he believes with me, without fear of any judgment.
 
Talking to you is not wasting my time... it's just sharing where I can, because I care... and if I say the wrong things, then I'd hope you'd understand that I wouldn't have meant to. I do hope you will find a way to deal with your pain and your struggles... a peaceful way that will bring to you the comfort and peace you need.
 
FRIEND
Thank you my dearest friend. I find it difficult to see my children compromize the standards that I taught them, as I will not ever compromize mine. The sad thing is, now my second oldest daughter is telling me that I am alienating all of my family…I am lost to the bickering of those that do not go to church and then pull me to pieces because I do. I will always love my family, but I will honestly tell you that I do not feel love from a lot of them.
 
Panayiota
I feel for you (my friend)... True Love must surely be something that goes way beyond our own needs. I did not feel my son's love for a long time while he was lost in his own sufferings, and that ripped me to pieces, because I truly loved him and needed his love in return. But in all of my aching, I finally decided that it did not matter whether he loved me back or not... I loved him and that's all that mattered... I was not going to give up on my love for him... so I just texted him once in a while... very short, unemotional little notes, just so that he knew I was thinking of him. I'd either end with Love you, or a heart. I did not expect anything back from him at all... I just wanted to feel free to love him in my own way... so, that's what I imagined was unconditional love... and it worked miracles. I have him back... I see him healing... I am happy again.
 
Love is the only way to lift any curse... true, unconditional love. This is the only wisdom I can give you from my own heart and my own experience. It should not matter what we taught our children... or what we expected from them... or what we think they should be or do in life... it should only matter that they know that no matter what, we love them. Nothing else... NOTHING ELSE.
 
That's all I can give you from my heart (my friend)... it's all I've got, and I've proved that it works miracles and it has brought me so much peace... it gave me my son back. I'd rather have him where he is now, than anywhere else, because at least I have his love and trust back... I am so happy and so grateful for that.
 
God be with you to help you with whatever you feel needs to be done to have the love of your alienating, struggling, wayward, accusing, or whatever, family back. You are all in my prayers.
 
In short... I personally believe that true love goes way beyond our own needs... when we can put our own needs and wants and expectations aside for the sake of a beloved, that's true love according to my understanding through my experience dear friend. That kind of love is the only love that brings healing and peace.
 
I believe that's how our Father in Heaven operates... He just LOVES and LOVES and LOVES... even after we've sinned and disappointed Him, He still LOVES... because all He wants is for all His children is for us to find our way to come Home to Him someday.  If I did not believe in this kind of Love from Him, I would not still believe in Him and I would have no reason to try to do what is right according to my own perceptions of what I imagine is right, good, beautiful, true and healing.  If I were to follow, only what someone has forced or guilt tripped me into, etc. then would my following be true... it would be impossible for me to KNOW my Father in Heaven in the way I do today, if my knowing Him, was based on someone else’s ideas and ideals of who He is.  I had to get to know Him in my own way and thus, for my own sake.
 
I asked my friend if I could use our conversation on my blog and gratefully, she agreed:
 
Panayiota
I won't use our conversation until you are sure it's okay for me to use. I know and honour that deep conversations like this are sacred, so I'd never share unless you were absolutely happy for me to do so.  I felt our conversation was an important one to illustrate how much we struggle and ache when our children are not following the path we always wished and dreamed for them, and it was also an important message of unconditional love often being the only way left to handle such situations. I do understand how hard and painful it is when our children don't live up to our expectations... I've been there and felt that pain until I could not bear it anymore and then finally came to a place of the unconditional love I speak of... the love that doesn't care as much about their choices that I can't change anymore, as my need to still have them close and to still be able to love them regardless... (I would NOT be able to do what you've done though... to allow even my own child to live with me if they were taking drugs... I just couldn't, so there you tried harder than I believe I ever could... I would not have been able to live with that amount of uncertainty, fear or pain… I've worked with addicts before and found it too painful and a huge sense of hopelessness)
 
I hope that if I share our conversation, others will identify, and it might help them also to come to a place of unconditional love... When you and when they are ready... we have to be ready first to let go of our own ideals and wants and needs and wishes and dreams, or fantasies for the outcome of our children’s lives... before we can come to that place of unconditional love... it's a place of peace and just "letting be" for the sake of peace and love and having whatever remnants of relationship still with them... far better than the fighting and the NOTHING.
 
“We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless
situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one's predicament into a human achievement. When we are no longer able to change a situation…we are challenged to change ourselves.” (Frankl, 2008, p. 116) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning
 
FRIEND
You can use anything of mine dear Pan.  I am OK with you furthering your work.  Just hope I am not a bother and a hindrance.
 
Panayiota
How could you even say that you are a bother or a hindrance (my friend)... please don't bring yourself down like that... this is surely a possible route of some of your suffering as it has so long been mine also.  I don't have time, as you know, to be a full time Logotherapist, or to read long letters, or to visit my Facebook friends page very often at all, but I do care about what you are going through... I care, because I remember how it was for me when my children started to become independent and were doing things that I did not feel where agreeable to my values and what I wanted from them... and visiting places that I felt were dangerous, etc., I had to learn the hard way, through my own suffering, that I could not change them, or choose their path... I therefore actually understand and can see that your struggles are FAR worse than anything I've had to go through, so I truly do understand your REACTION to your struggles, but I also believe that there will come a time, where you either kill your own progress with your own pain and reactions to your pain over what you cannot control, or, you will find a way to love unconditionally, beyond the needs of your own heart and your own values, etc. 
 
"Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true." (Viktor Frankl, 2008, p. 116) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning
 
My prayer and hope is that you will find that place where you will be able to JUST LOVE... no more needing or wanting your children to be as you so hoped or so wished they would be, but rather just accept them where they are... EXACTLY WHERE THEY ARE... in other words, handing them back to their Maker and letting Him deal with their lives in His way... TRUSTING completely that He will do what is right with them... FOR THEM... and for the sake of their own eternal progression... KNOWING, that He has allowed them to take the path that they find themselves on right now, in order for their own souls learning and progression.  He would NOT forsake them, even though they appear to be forsaken... they are not.  I truly believe, that there are NO coincidences... that everything is exactly as it should be, and that all that is required of any of us is to LOVE... LOVE beyond... over... through... whatever... to just LOVE. 
 
“A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth —that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love." (Viktor Frankl, 2008, p.p. 48-49) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning
 
LIFE WILL JUST KEEP ON REPEATING ITSELF UNTIL EACH ONE OF US FINALLY GET THE MESSAGE THAT IT'S TRYING TO SEND TO US, FOR OUR OWN UNIQUE PROGRESSION. 
 
Without LOVE, none of us would make it... we would not be able to find our way back to our soul's longing or our souls perfection... only LOVE can lift any curse... and once we realise that, we all have a chance at  making it to our true place of being, belonging and doing.  The only chance any of our children have of finding their way, I believe, is IN LOVE and THROUGH LOVE...

“Love also parallels conscience with respect to the uniqueness of the target.  Just as conscience aims at the uniqueness of possibilities dormant in each life situation, so love aims at the equally unique potentialities dormant in a loved person” (Frankl 2000:42) ~ Man’s Search for Ultimate Meaning
 
That's all I have to offer you on the subject, because I've come to believe that more than anything else on earth... that beyond any religion, or indoctrination, tradition, cultural practices, geographical orientation or status, that in the end... LOVE will be how our Maker defines and recognises us as HIS OWN... I believe with all my heart, that it will be the only measure we will be judged by.  Our God is LOVE and the only way He will recognise us, is through LOVE... love for our fellow man (ALL), and all creation in this world.  I truly believe that NOTHING else will matter. 
 
Let me know if I can still use our conversation once you've read this.  I won't use it without your final say.  I do believe that what we've discussed will help others... I pray it will ❤
 
FRIEND
You have my permission dear Pan.  I must honestly tell you that I feel so alone and lost.  A long, long story
 
My friend went on to share a painful story of such abject loneliness (aloneness) and my heart ached for her, because I understood… she discussed situations that I identified with and which triggered my own painful memories.  I even understood her “fight” to FIX what was so wrong in her world, because she was so alone with her own hurting mind and frightening thoughts for hours and hours each day.  I have chosen not to include that part of her story here.  She also mentioned her “Freeway phobia”… unable to drive on the Freeway due to extreme fear.
 
FRIEND
I kill myself cleaning up the house, working in the garden in the summer of course, and doing as much knitting and crocheting as I can, just to keep the sadness out of my heart.  If you could only feel the pain I feel on a daily basis, then you can go ahead and try to make head or tail of a home (built on her religious belief system) where there is very little love.
 
Panayiota
Darling friend, your pain and suffering is perfectly understandable. I identify so much with your story... especially the feeling of being totally alone in your own home, even with your husband there. I had that husband... two of them in fact... and I currently live with a son who is always playing games on his cell phone and pretty much unresponsive when he is home... It takes too much energy for me to get him off of his games, even for a short time. The frustration of just knowing there is sometimes “dead wood” in the house leaves me screaming inside. 
 
If I were to give you my best advice right now, it would be to find a way to get onto that freeway and out of your house (your uncomfortable comfort zone)... I know this would take immense courage, but if would ultimately give you the LIFE you are crying out for. When you fully realise that you can't find what you are looking for where you are and that you can't control or change the negative behaviour of others to fit with your desperate needs, and when you are able to move beyond what you are already so stuck in, you will also surely find a way to breathe and feel loved and appreciated for who you are in all your specialness and uniqueness.
You will find what you are looking for... Just in a new way with different people.
 
“Frankl maintains that, as human beings, we all have a will to meaning.  We all want something worthwhile and purposeful to live and work for; we all want to feel needed, called upon to carry responsibility for something or someone.  By exercising the unique responsibilities that life has entrusted to us, we feel a sense of moral integrity.  Our lives are serving a unique purpose.  We have a destined role to play and, in our own way, we are irreplaceable.  These are the things that endue our life with meaning and that we, deeply within ourselves, want to experience.” (Shantall, 2003, p. 37) ~ The Quest for Destiny 
 
Find a place to serve or share with others the beautiful woman that you are.
 
I know I've said all this to you before... think really hard about it and find your courage dear friend... I found mine and the changes have been miraculous... I want the same for you. Bless you 💓
 
Things are only scary when we are thinking about them as scary, but once we're doing them (because we found a way), they're not so scary anymore... The thing is to find the courage to do what we never thought possible...
 
FRIEND
Thanks Pan.  I have tried to go on the freeway, but my anxiety attacks override my courage.  I love the garden and my crafts, but sometimes, I just sit and stare out of the window for solace.
 
Panayiota
I used to have dreadful panic attacks entering malls... for some reason, the crowded places and noise scared me terribly.  But you can overcome any fears (my friend) ... with the right help, and a willing attitude.  You'd probably need someone you can really trust to go with you the first few times (and persevere), until you can see for yourself that there is nothing too much to fear, so long as you are a cautious driver.  I wish for you to find a way.  Once your courage for a new step like this kicks in, it's incredible how the fears start to dissolve away until they are no more.  I still to this day feel panicked just to leave my yard, but I'm grateful that I have meaningful motivation and reasons that are bigger than my fears, that help me just do it.  Once I'm out of the yard, I feel so much better.  I’ve realised that it's just the getting out that creates fear in me, but once I’m out I’m okay.
 
“The basic tenet of logotherapy is that, as human beings, we have a will to meaning.  Having the capacity to think, to weigh up our lives, choose what we want to do with them and why, we are operating in a dimension not shared with any other earthly creature.  In reaching out beyondourselves or a mere day-to-day existence we are transcending the levels of animalistic existence and enter into a uniquely human dimension.” (Shantall, 2003, p. 5) ~ The Quest for Destiny
 
In Logotherapy we describe what we call, The Defiant Power of the Human Spirit.  That's the part of our spirit that eventually shouts out to us... ENOUGH!... be it enough of another person's nonsense or enough of our own.  This helps us to stand up for our true selves in the face of all our fears and our struggles and to move forward regardless. We all have this power within us that we can tap into. 
 
“THE DEFIANT POWER OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT – One is not a helpless victim of one’s drives, of one’s environment and of one’s circumstances:  One is endowed with the noëtic faculty:  one has the human capacity to take a stand against one’s “fate” (poverty, negative influences from our childhood, etc).. Even when one is suffering from physical – or even psychological – illnesses, the noös (q.v)., one’s spirit, stays virtually intact, and the ability to choose one’s attitude (q.v). remains... Moreover, human beings not only have a deep need to find a meaning, they have the power to take a stand against their circumstances, their “fate”.  This power belongs to all of us, and Frankl calls it the Defiant Power of the Human Spirit (q.v).” (Havenga Coetzer, 2003, pp 29-30)~ Viktor Frankl’s Avenues to Meaning
 
You have been held back for years and years and it's no wonder you're possibly in that head space that keeps you back from your own freedom and living... too stuck in the involvement of what everyone else is doing that has excluded their love and attention for you, causing you so much heartache and frustration, and not giving yourself the care and attention that you deserve, that would give focus to your own living.  Is it possible that you are still allowing the failures and bad behaviours of others to reflect onto you... holding you back from becoming YOUR best and most strongest, courageous, happiest self... from living to your full potential? 
 
What part of the world is missing out on the true YOU, because you are so locked up in the negative behaviour of others?  If you want more out of your life dear friend, you have to pass through all the discomforts and fears to get out there and find for yourself, what is missing from that sad and lonely place where you are right now.  If love and attention is missing for instance, you go out there and find a place where you can give your portion of love and attention to others who, just like you, are crying out for what you have to give... even a pet shelter or a plant nursery... and there you will find others who will appreciate who you are on levels you may never have experienced before, as I have found in my Logotherapy world... and you will find that they will willingly return their love and attention to you, because they will appreciate your worth.  It might not be in the ways you had always hoped and expected  from those who should have loved and nurtured you in ways you felt you so desperately needed... but it will be in unexpected and beautiful ways that will nurture and give fulfillment to your souls longings. 
 
Once we reach out to find this and we realise it was always out there, just WAITING FOR US to be a part of it, then all fear will begin to pass away, and courage will become stronger with every passing day.  It's the most incredibly strengthening and mind-altering, life-changing thing, to find out who we truly are and always were meant to be in this world... to find out the purpose and meaning of our OWN unique and beautiful existence ❤
 
There is a reason we have gone through everything that we have had to face in our lives... all the hardships and struggles have been a part of our souls journey.  The world waits for the person we have become as a result of all that we have learned along the way… and the world waits for the person we are still going to become, if we would only give ourselves a chance.
 
Every person's unique life journey will eventually bring them to a place of great value and worth to the world... YOU have always had, and further developed something unique and powerful to give to the world my dear friend.  You must not withhold your talents, and abilities and most importantly, your portion of TRUE LOVE that a world out there has been waiting for.  It is time to give WHO YOU ARE so that others can find their way also, to become WHO THEY ARE MEANT TO BE...
 
You CAN do this my friend, even if it means driving on the freeway to get there... because you are meant for far more than living so alone and aching in your misery. 
 
You were NOT born into this world to be trampled on... Below is a letter my mentor wrote to me recently... it's also in one of my most recent blog posts... it is a powerful message for you too.  All my love and best wishes to you ❤ BIG HUGS ❤
 
Letter from my mentor
FROM ME TO YOU WITH LOVE
Dearest. dearest Panayiota,
 
What a sharp and sensitive soul you have!  It is like a razor sharp sword that cuts the bone from the marrow and sets apart the truth from the lie; the reality from the deception.  And what an artist you are - how your poems so magnificently go to the poignant heart of the matter!
 
My dearest Panayiota, I do not need to help you; to give you advice.  You are sorting things out for yourself.  And what progress you have made!  It is the most difficult and most painful reality to have to come to terms with: that you were not loved, that you are not loved; that people that should have cared and should care, have failed and fail to do so.  THE FAULT IS THEIRS.  Truth, and its consolation and its healing, is with you.  So what if they did not care?  So what if they do not care now?  So what if they are miserably failing and faltering and even downright ugly people?  So what if they have no backbone of integrity?  Who will fall?  You whom they have so cruelly hurt and continue to hurt?  What will happen to you but the power of protest?  For you there is the standing up out of the dust and the declaration of your own worthiness.  It is a worthiness that you do not need them to give to you because it is a worthiness you have!  Who then will fall apart, come crashing down?  Who will be ashamed?  You, who were unable to win over their love?  You who were shamed by them?  On whom lies the blame of that shame?  On you who only wanted their love and that tried so hard to find it?  You who loved them with so much forgiveness; you, who because they refused or did not care to receive it, were brought to this point of withdrawing it? 
 
You are gathering your pearls, so cast down by their swine - their greedy self-concerned - attitudes towards you! 
 
My beloved, the time has come.  It is a time of giving up on futile efforts.  Giving up not because of bitterness or despair, but giving up out of principle.  You have drunk to the dregs the cup of suffering which they have placed in your hands, saying:  "Lie down, that we may walk over you".  The Word that is coming to you now is:  "Awake!  Awake!  Stand up, O Jerusalem! “ (read Isaiah 51, especially verses:17-23 and ponder it!)  You are to give that cup of staggering that has poisoned you with so much insecurity and feelings of worthlessness for so long, back to them.  You will drink from it no more.  Out of your downtrodden state, the defiant power of real life and love is being provoked.  To you the Song of Solomon is being sung:
 
"Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.  For lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone.  The flowers appear on the earth; the time of singing has come.  The voice of the turtle-dove is heard in our land.  The fig tree puts forth her green figs, and the vines with the tender grapes give a good smell.  Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away!"  (Song of Solomon 2:10-13).
 
How much I believe in you; how much I treasure your worthiness!
 
FRIEND
Wow Pan.  Yes, you do have a beautiful soul and I would never have thought of all that you too have had to bare.  I always have the Group Home's dog come on over when I am working in the garden, and this dog listens to me when I talk.  Now the neighbours behind us have a few chickens, and it is so much fun to just sit and talk to them, and then they talk back in their funny cackle.  I give my all to my garden in the summer.  I love to see the results.  My husband has finally come to realize that all the years he was gone, I worked so hard to make the garden look the way it does.  It is still spring, but he will see the results in a few more weeks.  I can't, no way, can I go on that freeway.  I have tried too many times, and I get too sick to my stomach, upset stomach for days when I even think of going on it.  I think you have a wonderful friend to write you such a beautiful letter.
 
Panayiota
Thank you, dear friend... I do believe that you have a beautiful soul too, and that's why you hurt so much and probably why you are being hurt so much by life.  It seems to me that some souls are called to go through the hardest trials and therefore have the greatest task and responsibility to handle every hard situation with humility and grace in overcoming.
 
I love that you have the company of that dog... how lovely... those are the sort of reminders I have that we are never alone... Heaven is constantly sending us reminders, whether it be a dog, a chicken, birds, butterflies, the shape of clouds, etc., that we are watched over and loved.
 
I love chickens also.  I wrote a little story about a chicken we had once... I hope to get it published someday.  Did you ever think of writing children's stories?  You could include your dog visitor and those chickens... just a thought 🙂 ❤
 
I also love gardening... your husband is blessed to have you keeping your surroundings so beautiful... I'm glad he's seeing that at last and is acknowledging and valuing the work you've done on it.  Our weather is into fall now, so I've just planted winter vegetable and herb seeds and some are already coming up.  So we should be in for a super winter crop again... small garden, but it looks after us well.
 
FRIEND
… as my daughter was leaving after a visit today "my dog" came out to spend some time with me, and then a church friend came to visit, and Tank, the dog, laid in the middle of the easement the entire time we were talking.  I know that this dog loves me, I can just feel it, and I have known him since he was a puppy.  Also, the neighbours chickens were talking to me when my daughter left, so I know God is around me right now.  Thank you so much for caring.  I so wish we could have met when you were in the USA.​

Yesterday... Easter Sunday... the day started off alone and quiet... just another day in my life. My youngest son took the car to work, so I was pretty much stuck.
 
Then like magic, my big boy, Ben arrived with my three grandchildren for lunch, armed with a big sugar free chocolate, most of the lunch and something to drink... and also, lots of love and hugs and happy, uplifting conversation for me 💖
 
After lunch, we went to visit my dad and my little sister, brother in law and two nephews were there. We all had such a lovely time together... just like old times when I still believed in their love without question.  It was so wonderful... I felt happy and completely content 💖I even managed to communicate with my dad more easily... laughter... the most beautiful communication 💖
 
I have my family back and I am so grateful for the Miracles of True Love, that don't always come in the way we imagine (fantasies) but come in a way that is still so nourishing and uplifting for the soul… maybe more so, once the fantasies have been seen through and dealt with.
 
We stayed for hours, just chatting, laughing, sharing and I was feeling the love being with them.  What a beautiful day yesterday was for me.
 
And to think... it all started out, alone and quiet... just another day...
 
Life is always a Wonderful Miracle in Progress, no matter what and LOVE truly does conquer all.
 
Have a beautiful day 💖
 
~ Panayiota

The lovely green balloon from the roof

​Written: 13 April 2019
Follow up on the last post
A few days ago, in a fit of depression, while sticking my finger into the precious soil I have kept in a little packet, from the ground  breaking ceremony (many years ago) of a most beautiful church building, I looked up at my pictures of my Greek mother, my brother and my sister Anne (all on the other side of the veil), and pleaded with them to help me to find a way to fix our family and to bring healing, and I also kneeled and prayed to my Father in Heaven and begged him to make the seemingly impossible possible for my family and I… and that’s when my mentor reached out with her offer to help me… and help me she did… it one letter of response from her, a huge healing leap happened in me… I at least had a new way of seeing things and a possible way forward. Logotherapy is incredible… that’s all I’m saying.
 
Yesterday, my daughter took my youngest son and I to visit my dad.  I felt rather anxious about going there, but desperately wanted to see him and after my mentor’s strengthening and healing letter, I felt I could do it.  I could go there and be with my Greek family in a new way.  Not the way of desperately needing, wanting or expecting their love (on the level of my inner child, Patty’s longings), but rather in a new way of just being content that I can still have them in my life in whatever way they wish and choose to be a part of my life or to show their portion of love… I decided that, that would be far better than not having them at all. 
 
But a new way, does mean that I lose my “Little Patty” connection with them… the innocence of love she gave for so many years, and love expectation she always reached and cried out for from her Greek family. 
 
Somehow my mentor managed to authenticate and acknowledge Patty’s deep emotions on the subject in that one response of hers, to such an extent and on such a deep level, and with so much genuine understanding love, that Patty was at last able to let go of her longing need for her Greek Families love in the way “she expected” it… She was left dejected and empty (but only for a very short time while I was working through what happened when I read my mentor’s letter)… but she now feels so nurtured by my mentor’s response, that it’s okay… it’s okay… it’s okay… It’s as if she is being held in the warm arms of love (Mother Nature’s arms… Heaven’s Arms), and being told that everything is going to be alright… she is understood, and she is safe … she is completely loved and completely accepted…
 
My Beautiful Green Balloon

As we left home yesterday in my daughter’s car to go and visit my dad, we noticed on our roof, attached to a dead palm frond, a green balloon.  For me, an instant sign to Patty… EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT… Green is nature… nature is nurture… balloons are Patty’s thing… white balloons for when she dies… but this green balloon was an indication of LIFE… and of all that is still good, beautiful, right, healing and true in her life.  I trusted in this reassuring sign sent to me from somewhere, where I believe that I am truly loved… the other side of the Veil… where I am truly understood… (because there they can see the whole picture) everything is going to be alright.
 
Daddy was so happy to see me.  Jumped out of his chair and gave me a big, warm and welcoming hug and kiss.  My wonderful nephew, was there also, he was smiling when I arrived and opened the car door for me, making me feel welcomed… he also hugged me warmly… I felt safe then.  
 
While we were visiting, my nephew taught my youngest son how to play Backgammon.  Something my dad loves to do and is good at, so that even though one cannot communicate easily in words with my dad anymore because of his deafness, we can still play backgammon with him as just another form of communication.  He can still see smiles and laughter… he can still see friendly and loving eyes and he can still feel a warm and friendly presence, so there is still a way to communicate lovingly and happily with him, and that’s a beautiful thing… it’s enough.
 
My sister, sister in law and her mom all arrived while we were there… it was all good… I didn’t feel 100% comfortable which I’m sure is acceptable, considering the recent family struggle I’d experienced, but I didn’t feel hated in that moment at least, or judged.  I did withdraw a bit though and struggled to be a full part of the conversation… and it did cause an increase in my anxiety levels exponentially (panic anxiety), which stayed with me right until I finally fell asleep at bed time.  I’m okay with this reaction, because I imagine that it is normal under the circumstances.  Things have been strained between us… trust has been damages… we just need time to re-establish our relationships and find our way back to healing and trust again… even a new way… hopefully a better way… a more real way… a way that no longer includes my pain-filled, unrealistic childhood fantasies.  Anything is possible where love is present though and I love my family so much.
 
When I arrived home from my visit there, I used a broom to pull the dead palm frond off the roof of our house where it was resting, and it came down with that beautiful green balloon still attached to it with a thin purple ribbon.  I felt that there was a gently, loving symbolic message between the dead palm frond and the beautiful green balloon.  (I think I know who sent it, because of the symbolic nature of the message).  I hugged my balloon and thanked “whoever”, with the deepest of gratitude filling my heart with love for them… and feeling an abundance of love from them.  It is in my room now, next to me on my table.  When I hug it and put my cheek against it, it’s Patty hugging it… she loves balloons… she is so grateful for this lovely green one that brought with it a reassuring message of love and acceptance to her from another place somewhere out there… yet a place so close it can be felt as if it is right here.’
 
My youngest son and I spent the afternoon at my daughter’s house and just relaxed (much needed) and enjoyed a lovely chicken and salad lunch together there.  I love spending time with my daughter.
 
Unexpected garden help – another of my many daily Miracles and blessings
At the end of this post on my Facebook page, I added: P.s. I need a long ladder and help to get the dead palm fronds off of both trees please...

The very next day, as if he’d seen my post, (which he couldn’t have, because he’s not one of my FB friends), Shem arrived on his bicycle (don’t ask me how he did this… he’s magic!)… armed with a long ladder, made up of two smaller ladders, held together precariously with electrical cord.  He had seen our need on his previous visit and had arrived to come cut all the leaves off.  My son was here to help him and to steady the ladder, and together they worked on the trees… it looks so much better now.  And amazingly, our neighbour was also cutting dead branches off of his tree at the same time, so he offered to take away all our garden refuse along with is own.  Talk about Miracles… such a blessing.  Without his help, I would have needed to load my car with all of it, and it was a lot, and it would have surely left a huge dusty, leafy, bird poop, spidery mess in the car.  I’m so grateful we didn’t need to do that!  What a blessing! 
 
Just some of the uplifting and encouraging comments that I received after I shared this story on my Facebook page and some of my responses
D - I love the way you write, I am glad you had a beautiful experience with your dad
E - I love that story. What small shift in consciousness and everything changes.
Panayiota
Yes... so true, and that's why I choose to share so deeply, because if we can reach our clients and anyone who we come in contact with, in the same way, what a healing we could bring. In my case, recognising that I function from different levels, and being able to reach a particular level of affliction and help on that level alone... in other words, it's no use trying to reason with my adult self... nothing can be achieved there when it is the inner-child self that is struggling. So, to understand the level of the inner child and to have the empathy, skill and understanding to reach her... WOW! It's an incredible healing thing to experience as the person receiving that... too amazing for words!  Healing is possible where there is this kind of understanding and love for our fellow human beings.
E - Yes, our mentor has that ability to see that. To see exactly what the soul needs to hear and direct the right words to the part of us that needs that healing. At that level miracles can happen. Beautiful and thank you for sharing!! I’m inspired 💚
Panayiota
Oh yes dear E... "Miracles" is the only way to describe it and it's something so beautiful to experience.
M - Your writing draws me in! 💙 Thank you for sharing your experiences with us xx So glad you got to see your dad xx
V - How lovely to read this. So happy it all worked out. I knew it would make your dad's day too 💖
Panayiota
It sure did make his day V... made my day too :) I love you 💖
B - This is so beautiful, you have been in my thoughts and prayers
M - ♥️♥️♥️ Oh, happy happy days! 😁🤸‍♀️♥️
One of the most marvellous things that I think about when I think of our mentor is that logotherapy speaks so much to that bible scripture that says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue”. Words are so powerful, and we should all carefully consider how we use them. Encouragement should be the main goal of their use 🌸
I - So happy for you Panny! You deserve love and happiness always. Big hugs.
 
18Apr19
More Green Balloons

Here's something lovely I wanted to share all week but was ill at the start of the week and got too busy since.
 
On Sunday, I shared with you about the green balloon I saw attached to the palm frond, as I was leaving to visit my dad on Saturday. Well, on the same day I'd written about it, my Greek sister in law, Irene had read about it on my FB page, and she was surprised by what she saw outside of her yard and wrote a most beautiful WhatsApp to me about it which she has given me permission to share here.
 
Irene wrote, and added the picture above
"In our neighbourhood today... outside our fencing 💚 Please always know... you are... you have always been... you always will be... loved, welcome, be family, appreciated, never doubted, you are Greek and we are one. No need to feel uncomfortable for any reason... you are our sister. Just thought these green balloons are symbolic to your FB post about the balloon xxxx Always remember, we love you forever"
 
I was at a Logotherapy student's supervision meeting (during our tea break) when I saw Irene's msg. on my phone and smiled so big that the students wanted to know what was going on. I just told them, it was the most beautiful response to something I'd been struggling with recently. It truly is beautiful to my heart.
 
What is it about my sister-in-laws and their love?
 
Irene has always been there for everyone... she's the first to visit when a family member is in hospital... she an ardent supporter of our Family WhatsApp group... she's just always there for others and I've never doubted her love as a result.
 
I just felt it was incredible, that there were two green balloons outside her yard on the same day I wrote about my green balloon... I don't believe in coincidences and I DO believe in signs given to guide our lives. I responded to her:
 
"... there is no doubt in my heart that the green balloons are a message of love and unity for our family. So very special..."
 
And Irene responded: "... Family is everything xxxx"
 
And of course, I agreed :) 💖
 
On the very same day, this beautifully story below, about a little “cast out” bee (because she was different-faulty-not good enough for the hive), was posted by Lezzet Abbott on a Facebook Bug page that I absolutely love:  I responded to Lezzet’s post:   
 
“Oh Lezzet... how absolutely beautiful to my soul. Just through my own experience as an adult survivor of severe child abuse, I identified so deeply with this, because sometimes I feel just like the little bee rejected... and so often a nurturing and understanding hand reaches out and makes so much difference. Without such empathy and love reaching me, I would definitely not be here today. Thank you so much. May I use this on my blog and quote you please... it's just so beautiful and will illustrate so well my most recent struggle and what a life-giving difference that one person's acknowledgment, warmth and love can make. Thank you so much p.s. I cried... but because of the beautiful love in your heart that I felt reading this... 💖
 
Lezzet Abbott’s touching story below (used with permission - Thank you so much Lezzet)
 
 
Sometimes life ends before it even has the chance to begin

​I occasionally wonder to myself whether I have the nerve at all to be a hobbyist beekeeper. Today it felt like something grabbed my heart from the inside and pushed it out of my chest with the force of Thor's hammer. Sitting alongside my hive this afternoon, marveling, observing with my camera and sometimes stopping just to fully take the miracle in, I was privy to something I never thought I’d see and something I was hardly expecting to feel. Tears flowed freely down my hot cheeks as I watched the dutiful actions of an Undertaker Bee remove an underdeveloped and malformed baby who was still alive out of the hive and drop it to the ground. I was shell-shocked from a place in my being that I had difficulty making friends with which made it so tremendously hard to watch and much tougher to photograph. The photographs are not runners up in National Geographic, not even close because the moment unfolded quite unexpectedly and the closer I tried to get to the evictee and her sister initiating the marching orders, the more I felt the bees warning me to stay away as they bumped their fat little black and yellow bodies into my head.
 
I picked this little lady up after she had been unceremoniously discarded of on the cold stones by her sibling beneath the hive and my heart collapsed into an aching mess of so much owie that the salty pools caught above my bottom eyelids made it difficult to initially see why she was evicted from the hive. She was still moving her pale little body as her legs tried to reach into the air for something that wasn’t there. She only had one antenna and one shriveled up wing and was without the characteristic stripes of a striking honey bee. Milky in hue she was abandoned and left for dead because she would never be the bee she was intended to be.
 
It broke me as I watched her peddling her six tiny legs as her head and one little antenna moved in motions that had me feeling she was calling for mercy. I could not do it. I could not take her life so instead I took her photo so that others may see and feel the story of the little white bee who never got to be. I stayed with her until her legs stopped. I held her in the landscape of my warm palm and let myself feel all my pitiful human emotions and forgave myself for feeling so stupid about something that likely happens hourly, daily, monthly and annually in all bee hives. I forgave myself for feeling so sorry for a creature who I decided was unfairly treated; rejected because she was different, damaged and useless to the hive if she had been given the privilege to reach maturity. I forgave myself for knowing that it was not for me to decide what’s fair in a hive, having to trust that the daughters of Mother Nature know best, for the good of the bigger picture; there is no space in a community of honey makers for those that will slow the process down. I forgave myself for putting myself through the experience after my husband asked me several times, “Why do you punish yourself this way?” I failed to see it as punishment but rather compassion and empathy for a little life, despite how short, teaching me something far greater than most humans ever will. And then I forgave myself for having the deep sensitivity my DNA decided I needed to feel absolutely helpless as waterfalls gushed from my eyes while the little bee took her last few breaths in a rose petal I gently placed her in for those last precious moments of life that she was given.
 
I often wonder to myself whether I have the nerve at all to be a hobbyist beekeeper, but I do know that as an intensely emotional spectator to the activities of my diminutive flower angels as each day passes, I have no control over things I did not create and in these instances, even if with gushing waterworks cascading from my cheeks, even if I’m thought by most to be out of my cotton-picking mind, there are moments like these where I must learn to willingly let things be.
Lezzet Abbott
 
Thank you for sharing with me today 
 
~ Panayiota

​A painting of me as a child done by a kind house-worker, Jethro, many years ago.
 
7 April 2019
 I had really been struggling over this time as a direct result of trying to self-edit my book “again” after a long absence from it due to the computer crash of June 2017… I just couldn’t face it again after I lost all the self-editing, I’d already done on it then… and having to rehash over my past yet again was just too much!  
 
Blanking out
I was dissociating terribly… depression lack of sleep… and while I was WhatsApping my colleague on Friday 5th April, my mind went completely blank right in the middle of our WA conversation… a little stressful as we were working on some online improvements which include change, and I usually struggle with change… it scares me… I knew I was connected to my colleague as I stared blankly at the phone, but nothing else… totally gone… it took a while before I could surface and that’s when I knew that I needed to switch off the computer and just get out of here. 
 
Going out
I was blessed on the day to attend my two granddaughters’ events… one in gymnastics and the other singing… both such an uplifting gift to my heart.  I spent that time with my daughter in law and grandson also, so it was very special for me.   From there, I went with my youngest son, to look after my daughter and son in law’s house and dogs over the weekend while they went away, which took me away from my own four walls to their space which I find so relaxing and peaceful.  Even if looking after three dogs, mine included, is a little like having children to take care of, it was just good to get away from my own home for a while, and that lifted me from my slump, thankfully. 
 
While at my daughters, and in experiencing mild lonely-depression I reached out on Facebook
(I had many uplifting and supportive responses, of which I was grateful… I will add just a few here)
 
9 April 2019
MY FACEBOOK POST…
I heard only today that my dad had a bad turn yesterday... and I can't reach him anymore... and nobody... NOBODY will ever understand why?
 
I may as well say goodbye to my childhood dream of belonging to my beloved Greek family forever... it's over... I can't do this pain anymore... I would not even be able to attend his funeral if he died...
 
Who can understand but my God... and I know my dad would understand once he was on the other side and can see what is true... I know he loves me and I love him with all my heart.
 
I just wonder what he's been told... God bless him.
 
Anybody who knows me, will know that I cannot be in any space where I feel judged or unloved... I can't go where I don't feel a sense of belonging...
 
I won't answer questions or try to explain here... nobody will understand... but I am grateful to know that there are those rare and beautiful who I know would at least try... 💖
 
How I'm going to work today I just don't know... God help me please 💖
 
Some of the responses:
A.  Oh Pan feeling unwanted or misunderstood amongst those who should be offering support and love is the absolute worst. Thinking of you knowing all too well how torn one gets between wanting to be with someone while at the same time being unable to go there because the sense of rejection real/perceived is just too overwhelming.  

V.  Are you referring to your dad who goes fishing with your youngest son?
 
Panayiota
Yes, but since he lost his job, my son can't go fishing with him anymore because his off-days don't fit with my dad's fishing days, and with my son's Asperger's, he is so switched off. I ask him over and over to go visit my dad when he's off, but he's so locked into his games, he can't connect to relationship realities.... he was the same with his dog Woody who he went to training with and they were a top training team... he thrives under good supervision, invitation and a sense of belonging also... as soon as he could no longer go to training, he forgot his dog's needs... and that doesn't mean he's a bad person... he just doesn't have the emotional capacity or enough connection to relationship realities... but who can understand him also. I will keep trying to get him to visit his Papou, but I don't have the strength to fight with him or anybody... I'm just too worn out from one too many disappointments in life... there's very little left... my work and family and friends who I still believe, believe in me are all I have left to work with and live for... and my book... I have to get my book done... and other books I've written that I have longed to get published...
 
V.  I'm sorry to hear that. But your dad is an old sweetie from what I've seen you post on Fb and I'm sure he'd love to see you?
 
Panayiota
He would... and like I said... nobody could understand...
 
V.  Sorry, just a bit confused. I also don't understand but wish it could be different for you 😭
 
Panayiota
It's not your fault at all dear V... I would not stop loving you while you were still here... but it's because so few would ever understand, that I will lose more and more friends and family and they would gradually go away as has happened so often in my past... so in my mind... it's over anyway... but not you... it takes a lot for me to reach the "what's the use" place... that's where I am now with what I shared above...
 
V.  💖💖💖 I don't understand why your family are being so cold towards you, but I still love you, hang in there my friend, here for you 💖
 
Panayiota
I wouldn't say they're being cold dear friend... they just don't understand... that's all... and never had the same depth of love for me as I did for them... mine was a child's desperate longings that all came alive in a lifelong fantasy I created as a survival strategy, so it's me with the problem... not them... I need more than what they are able to give... they are just “normal” people living their lives according to their values, etc. I'm the one with the abnormality and I'm not afraid to share that... my inner child lives on and still longs and dreams for all that was lost in her childhood... I love you lots dear friend and I'm grateful for your enduring friendship here... thank you. HUGS 💖
 
V.  Aw that's so sad 😭 I think I understand, but I'm one of those who rush in where angels fear to tread so I would go visit him, no matter what anyone thinks. But I never went thru what you did as a child, that surely scars one forever and my heart aches for you 💖😘
 
Panayiota
I love you V 💖
 
V.  Love you too, Pani and hope your dad gets well soon xxx
 
Panayiota
I'm praying hard for my dad... I would give anything to be with him, but just don't know how to anymore... I definitely need prayers also... I love you... 💖
 
C.  Sorry that your Dad is not well my friend... I understand how you feel... It's not easy being the one in the family that is so different... They just do not have the capabilities to understand... The way that you feel is normal because of what you have been through... You are precious my friend... Love you ❤️🤗
 
“An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behaviour” (Frankl, 2006, p. 20). 
 
J.  I'm sorry you are experiencing this, Pan. It must be extremely painful. I had a talk with a dear friend recently about how sometimes we are left to resolve these things on our own. I know you have the wisdom and knowledge to work through it. I also know you realize not doing so would be the most damaging of all. 💖 *hug*
 
Panayiota
Bless you dearest J... and thank you. Yes, I have to work though this or I fear I might completely lose it... my very dear mentor offered to counsel with me and I think I will take her up on it, even though I can't imagine anyone understanding... I have to try find help, because this is indeed a very painful situation... I am totally alone with it for hours and hours each day, while everyone else seems to just be going on merrily with their lives with lots of company to back up and support their perspective and understanding of what's going on... and I'm seeing their reactions and responses or lack there-of, as self-righteous and unloving and that's only pushing me further and further away... I keep asking... Where is the love? ... Where is the love? ... and I'm so grateful for my Facebook refuge... be it yet another fantasy world of mine or a reality... but whatever happens, it's my friends here who have pulled me through the hardest times over so many years now. Even though I imagine, you don't/can't always understand, you are still here when I need uplifting and for that, I am so grateful 💖
 
H.  Panny... my heart is with you during this awful time. Don’t give up on that dream. We all progress in the life after this and hearts will grow in capacity; there will be true understanding; forgiveness will be sought and freely given. You carry on being pure of heart and soul and the blessings and miracles you desire will be yours one day. We will all see so much clearer then and unadulterated love will flow both ways. Meanwhile, I pray that your pain will be made bearable and that the angels will comfort you. May your beloved daddy be blessed and comforted too; may he deeply feel the love you have for him. That is a bond that nothing can break ♥️
 
Panayiota
… what beautiful words to my soul... thank you with all my heart. I do believe so much in the next life that everything will be sorted out there and there will be total unconditional love and forgiveness and togetherness forever there... it is the one TRUE HOPE I have left to hang onto in absolute faith. I love you so much! Thank you ♥️
 
H.  I fervently believe that, and it is our hope. Hope - true hope as you put it - is so powerful and imbued with promise. Love you forever ♥️
 
Panayiota
Bless you dear friend... as much as I want to be there, just believing that everything will be fixed when I get there is enough to keep me alive here, because I know I have to, no matter what... I still have so much work to do before I can go there... I love you forever and one day we will meet and embrace as true friends and soul-sisters also... maybe only when we get there, but I look forward to that day with so much love in my heart ♥️♥️♥️
 
H.  Beautifully said and I do look forward to that day, too, my friend, with much love and anticipation ♥️♥️♥️

B.  You do belong to your Greek family, Pan. No one and nothing can take that away from you. Even if it is only in spirit, you are joined to them.
 
Panayiota
That is the most beautiful thing ever... thank you dearest friend... what beautiful words. Yes, I do belong to them... I do, or why would Heaven have let them be a part of my life since I was born... it can't just be a cruel joke or fate... it has to mean something... I love you and them so much and nobody can take that away from me ever! 💖

C.  Sending warm and gentle hugs I pray you receive the comfort and answers you need ❤️  

Panayiota
I really appreciate your presence here at this time dear friend... it means a whole lot... some journeys are just too hard to travel alone, so my FB refuge is Heaven sent at times like this. I also started counselling yesterday and pray that something positive will come from that, because I feel like I'm dying inside... been awake since 2am... HUMPH! ❤️

During this time of editing my book, due to the resulting dissociation I was struggling with, I made a few slip-ups at work, by forgetting to send e-mails, etc., thinking I’d done them already or just totally forgetting that I hadn’t.  I wrote to explain to my mentor because I felt terrible when I’d ralised how my sate was interfering with my work. 
  
9 April 2019
 
My mentor responded
We are to persevere despite the hardship we are given to go through.  Persevere with the completion of editing your book and getting it published.  And go on with your wonderful work with our students despite the anguish all those memories that you captured in your book evoke in you!
 
I wrote back and mentioned an even greater struggle that was adding to it all…
 
“…I’m also facing something so sore right now added to the book struggle I was already dealing with… and I’m sure nobody could ever understand but God only, yet I know I must just keep going no matter what and I’m grateful for my work”
 
She responded
 
Do not withhold anything from me.  You know you can trust me, I want to help if I can.
 
And so, I trusted, and I shared all that had over the years, gradually led me to believe that I was never going to truly belong to my Greek family as much as I had always dreamed. I added some poems I’d written during some upsets of the past, and included as briefly as I possibly could, all that had upset me in other areas also, (not just family), since last year… where things had started to fall apart in my world and seemed to just be getting worse.  The losses and the feeling of being judged as a bad person by those who had caused the problems in the first place and managed to drag others to their side, causing even more judgment against me.  It was like a repeat of what my mother had always done to us.
 
A once off powerfully successful Logotherapy session
 
10 April 2019
 
Excerpts from the letter I wrote to my mentor (edited to protect family and past/lost friends):
“It’s hard to believe that anyone will ever fully understand, so it feels futile to try and explain and because I believed I nearly lost you the last time I saw you, I’m petrified of making things worse… I fear myself… but at the same time, I have to keep reminding myself of how far I’ve already come because of you and my Logotherapy world which I have been able to put so much trust in… my growth would have been totally impossible otherwise… I must not allow myself to forget this when my sense of worth feels shattered and I’m back in that place of nobody loves me and eating worms again!
 
The whole problem that started last year, has created a kind of downward spiral for me … the damage of trust in the other area has been devastating and has spread further, but I’m still holding on, because I know that so many others love me still… so not all is lost yet… thinking I’d lost you was huge, even though you assured me I hadn’t.  But I see over and over that you’re still there … so, it’s me I’m not trusting anymore…”
 
Poems I’d written in the past when important trust was first lost
 
FOREVER BRIGHT AND TRUE
 
When the spark goes out of a relationship and all the light departs
Hope and trust are lost as doubt fills heavy hearts
When the magic of a relationship is lost with a wave of a wand
When the love you've so relied on, fades through a broken bond
Your heart could feel quite broken, or you might fill it with bitter hate
Either way, it's pain that's hurt you and caused your downcast state
Don't let pain cause you to feel hate, its love that tears at your heart
And love alone can heal you, for of Heaven it's a part
It's important you should know that God is there with you
And the Spark of His Relationship is Forever Bright and True.
 
~ Panayiota
(7th February 1998)
 
WHEN HE MUSIC FADES
 
My heart has been hurt – so hurt
And I find now, I’m pulling away
Avoiding love and loved ones
For they might hurt me too someday
 
Who should I trust today
For I don’t have you no more
I would never have guessed you could do this
You hurt me very sore
 
It’s funny how quickly the music fades
When loyalty and trust are betrayed
I wish I never knew this pain
And in happy ignorance I’d stayed.
 
I guess it’s better now I know
Just the way you feel
But I’ll never, ever stop loving you
Though this pain is so very real.
 
Trust has gone forever
And we’ll never be quite the same
I’m sad this had to happen
Why did you have to blame.
 
If only you’d believed in me
If only you had cared
If only you had loved me too
There’s so much we could have shared.
 
 ~ Panayiota
(24th February 1998)
 
THE MISTRUST WALL
 
How strong can a Mistrust Wall be
That not even love can pull it down
I would have thought that love could pull it down
Love is strong, very strong
But just not strong enough to pull down a Mistrust Wall
STRONG AND TALL, WIDE AND STRONG
HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE WALL!
 
I put it there myself – Me
Surely, I can knock it down
But the pain in my heart is too great
Too often I’ve been let down by those I’ve loved
TOO OFTEN HURT
THE WALLS GO UP EASIER NOW
FASTER, STRONGER
Every time I see you, you who hurt
I feel the pain all over again
And another row of bricks is placed on top of
THE MISTRUST WALL.
 
How can I let this happen
And yet I can’t seem to stop it
THE DAMAGE IS DONE
The Mistrust Wall is up
FRIENDSHIPS LOST
Love will soon stop trying to knock down the wall
Love will give up in the end
And our good friendship will be lost
FOREVER!
 
But I know it’s never too late
I know there must be a way
If only I can find it
I’D KNOCK DOWN THAT DARN MISTRUST WALL!
 
I MUST FIND A WAY
I need you still
 
~ Panayiota
(4th January 1999)
 
I shared things during this session with my mentor, that I’d never shared with anyone else as far as I could remember.  Things I would not want to ever become public, and so I’ve deleted that here.
 
“…I’m not sure I’ve ever told anyone else… maybe in therapy… I don’t remember… I kept it a secret mostly for Patty’s sake (and to protect others) … Patty still hoped and longed for her daddy’s love as it was when she visited him when she was a small child.  She’s grieving right now that she feels she’s lost her connection with her Greek family and daddy… she’s really grieving badly.”
 
It was my family’s reaction to the letter I’d written after my brother sold his shop, that showed me who was actually still with me and who wasn’t.  That was the sad part… totally opposite to what I/most would have imagined if they had have heard the whole story that I had shared with my mentor and later deleted.  The one I struggled with before, showed a desire to make it right, just in the way they spoke to me on our first visit together afterwards and I believed it was going to be good between us from then on… and one that I should never have struggled with distanced them self almost completely, with only sporadic contact, proving to “my mind”, that all the years of doubting their love was true, and making it far more difficult for healing to happen, because trust broke even further.
 
“…I don’t know how to fix this… once trust is lost, I become completely separated… I (Patty) cannot see daddy because I can’t go there where I don’t feel I belong anymore… my childhood fantasy of my Greek family’s love for me is totally shattered… but most painfully of all… I’ve lost daddy (and others I really love along with him).  If they told me he died, I would not be able to go to his funeral, because it would mean being with those who I believe judges me and don’t love me… I don’t belong with them… so I won’t be able to go… and they would hate me even more… they would blame me for his death… It’s a huge loss… I have lost not only daddy… I’ve lost them all… How can you possibly understand… how can you help me this time… ?  Thank you so much for offering to be there for me…”
 
11 April 2019
I added to my letter
“…I’ve kind of lost my will to meaning along with it all… hanging onto shreds of meaning… like my book and other future projects I hope to complete before I die and our dear Logotherapy students… so what I’m trying to say, is that I’m very alone with all of this... even when I go to pick up my youngest son from work at night… we talk and laugh like good friends in the car, but the second we walk into the door and he’s connected to WiFi, he gets hooked into his games and even on his days off I am still alone for the same reason... hours and hours of being alone with my mind... and all I have to keep me going is my work and my book and my beautiful garden that helps me to stay on my special eating plan and saves us money...
 
And my dear, dear colleague who has been working tirelessly to set up my work online to make all the MANY processes that much easier and quicker for me.  He is a "constant" in my life, and a Miracle presence that keeps me connected to my Logo-World… right now, it is him that makes it possible for me to still be going… God bless him…
 
I didn’t mention this in yesterdays letter, but I have to trust that you will understand and not get cross with me like my therapist did… but I wanted to hurt myself… the urge was so overwhelming, that I started to search frantically for my tent pole… the one I used before… a short, thin solid rod… I was sure I always kept it nearby somewhere in my room, even though I was also sure I was never going to use it again.  I couldn’t find it and the search itself was helpful, because I had time to reason with myself at how I MUST NOT!  I found another way to relieve the tension buildup thankfully, but the urge still stayed… just not as desperate… I woke with the urge still at 2am, but will do everything in my power NOT to go there… What amazed me though, was that while I was searching for the rod, I actually had a stinging pain build up in my thigh, where I would have hit… I kept rubbing over it to feel the bruising that wasn’t there… as if it should have been already… I don’t understand that, but just sharing anyway…
 
Thanks so much for your time… I pray that my stuff won’t make things bad between us… please try to think of it as happening to someone else… I try to see it that way for myself, so that I can think as logically as possible about the dynamics of how the mind is working and how to help myself… it would be so good not to have to do it all on my own… My other online Logotherapist has been very helpful over the years, on and off when things have gotten really bad, but somehow I just can’t imagine her or anyone being able to fathom all of this situation… it’s just too big and so complicated… but you asked me to share and yes… I’m trusting you to at least not be angry and turn away… I worry also that I might not be able to do what you ask… like if you told me to just go visit my dad… I won’t be able to do that, because I won’t feel safe there where I don’t feel my family’s love anymore… and I really don’t want to upset you… The thought of going thee feels like DANGER to me… I’m so sorry…
 
Before I could sleep last night, I wrote on the notepad next to my bed:
 
I Have Friends in Heaven
 
I have friends in Heaven
Who truly understand
Only the rare and beautiful here
Could ever take my hand
But my friends in Heaven
They’re with me all the way
Beautiful birds and butterflies
Often come to play
To let me know
I’m not alone
Representing those
Who are already HOME
In that place
Where I know I DO belong
Sending their True Love
Through beautiful colours and song
Whenever they’re near
Gratefully, I feel reassured
Of their Loving care
 
~ Panayiota
(11 April 2019)
 
My mentor’s response
Below is the letter I received back response to my call for help e-mail… I don’t know what it was about this response, but it was like an instant awakening to my soul… that threw a spotlight onto the childish fantasy I’d been living with all my life.  It somehow almost immediately dealt with my lifetime of longing… highlighting for me, that the depth of my longing had been born out of my childhood sufferings… it was to some extent, unrealistic, because basically, “this is the real world where fantasy is not supposed to be a part”… I did not grow up with my Greek family… I only visited them on my school holidays and as a result, I saw them in a very much elevated position… I had a picture of perfection (how beautiful my childhood should/could have been) … they were everything my home life with my abusers wasn’t.  And so… I don’t now what exactly it was about this Logotherapists response to my call for help letter, but it indeed was an Awakening for my soul… and as a result, it was extremely healing… almost instantly taking away a lifetime of agonizing pain from my still-existing, longing childhood-needs and wants mind. 
 
I know that her letter was NOT intended to hurt or insult anyone who I’d mentioned in my letter to her, but only to ACKNOWLEDGE my crying out in such a way that I’d BELIEVE that at last, someone could truly hear (Patty’s) crying pain.  I was no longer (Patty, alone with it all).  Patty had been heard at last and there was a powerful and almost instant healing that took place in that moment when I read my mentor’s response below, and for this I am truly grateful.
 
FROM ME TO YOU WITH LOVE
Dearest. dearest Panayiota,
 
What a sharp and sensitive soul you have!  It is like a razor sharp sword that cuts the bone from the marrow and sets apart the truth from the lie; the reality from the deception.  And what an artist you are - how your poems so magnificently go to the poignant heart of the matter!
 
My dearest Panayiota, I do not need to help you; to give you advice.  You are sorting things out for yourself.  And what progress you have made!  It is the most difficult and most painful reality to have to come to terms with: that you were not loved, that you are not loved; that people that should have cared and should care, have failed and fail to do so.  THE FAULT IS THEIRS.  Truth, and its consolation and its healing, is with you.  So what if they did not care?  So what if they do not care now?  So what if they are miserably failing and faltering and even downright ugly people?  So what if they have no backbone of integrity?  Who will fall?  You whom they have so cruelly hurt and continue to hurt?  What will happen to you but the power of protest?  For you there is the standing up out of the dust and the declaration of your own worthiness.  It is a worthiness that you do not need them to give to you because it is a worthiness you have!  Who then will fall apart, come crashing down?  Who will be ashamed?  You, who were unable to win over their love?  You who were shamed by them?  On whom lies the blame of that shame?  On you who only wanted their love and that tried so hard to find it?  You who loved them with so much forgiveness; you, who because they refused or did not care to receive it, were brought to this point of withdrawing it?  
 
You are gathering your pearls, so cast down by their swine - their greedy self-concerned - attitudes towards you!  
 
My beloved, the time has come.  It is a time of giving up on futile efforts.  Giving up not because of bitterness or despair, but giving up out of principle.  You have drunk to the dregs the cup of suffering which they have placed in your hands, saying:  "Lie down, that we may walk over you".  The Word that is coming to you now is:  "Awake!  Awake!  Stand up, O Jerusalem! “ (read Isaiah 51, especially verses:17-23 and ponder it!)  You are to give that cup of staggering that has poisoned you with so much insecurity and feelings of worthlessness for so long, back to them.  You will drink from it no more.  Out of your downtrodden state, the defiant power of real life and love is being provoked.  To you the Song of Solomon is being sung:
 
"Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.  For lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone.  The flowers appear on the earth; the time of singing has come.  The voice of the turtle-dove is heard in our land.  The fig tree puts forth her green figs, and the vines with the tender grapes give a good smell.  Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away!"  (Song of Solomon 2:10-13).
 
How much I believe in you; how much I treasure your worthiness!
 
My response
I don’t even know if I have the words to tell you how much your response means to me… and to see my true name again written by you… somehow this time it felt like a true treasure to my soul… bless you with all my heart.
 
I can’t even explain what your words do to me… and this is not the first time… they are magical… and very sacred to my soul.  How could you know… how could you… as if God Himself speaks through you…
 
Even while I was reading, (and I don’t know if this should have been the outcome of your letter… I would not have expected it myself), but I felt it was okay to go visit my dad there… I could do it joyfully… a sense of real freedom over this whole dilemma… because all the other stuff didn’t matter anymore… how on earth did that happen just by reading your letter…? 
 
I always said that even in transference, it is a wonderful opportunity for the therapist to actually be able to use the transference to help the person to heal from the level of where the transference is coming from… I really do believe that after all my experiences…
 
And how did I come this far as a result of my Logotherapy training and the support I’ve had here on all ‘my different levels…”?  Something has to be working or it just could never have happened…
 
I have to work it all out, so that I can somehow help others in the same way you and Logotherapy have helped me. 
 
I’ve read over your letter four times… read the beautiful scripture you shared and would like to go over it again when I’m less tired (I haven’t slept yet after being awake since 2am last night, but really need to)… went to eat lunch… responded to work e-mails…
 
I couldn’t just respond to your letter straight away… I couldn’t… it is far too precious… I had to try to absorb what it had done to me… why… how…?
 
I loved going into those pages in my bible and spotted other scriptures that you and your husband had shared with me in the past.  I had previously coloured Isaiah 52:13-15; Isaiah 52:9; Isaiah 44:24 and 26; Isaiah 62:1-2; and so many more… how beautiful… I think I will go through all the ones I can find from you both over the next few days… such a blessing you are ❤ ❤
 
And still my personal favourites too:  1 Chronicles 4:9-10 (I made it my prayer and it is Miraculously coming true) REJOICE! … And of course, Corinthians 13:1… and there’s more…
 
…how on earth did I ever get so blessed… I must have done something right somewhere along the path of my life… I must be worth something in the great scheme of things… I must be, or how on earth could all this goodness and healing keep coming no matter what… no matter how bad or unworthy I have ever felt I am… the blessings and miracles just keep coming… your words are a LIGHT to my soul… thank you so much with all my heart…
 
I wanted to give up on my Greek name, Panayiota … but suddenly, today, I feel that I can truly own my own name with honour… because I have not let her down and will not… Panayiota deserves her place in this world also… ❤
 
With humble gratitude… ❤
 
Shared with me by a student during a discussion on his beautiful Logotherapy portfolio of work
https://www.unk.com/blog/4-main-cognitive-distortions/
 
13th April, I visited my dad and we were so happy to see each other.  I will write about that next.
 
Thank you for sharing with me
 
~ Panayiota

An addition to my blog post… Going home – posted 15/3/2019 

I’m still yo-yo sleeping and therefore sleep deprived most days… only 5 hours sleep the night before last…
 
I believe that my disturbing plane flight home (as discussed in the last blog post) has caused flashback (to my frightened childhood) sleeping patterns, and I can’t seem to get them under control.  I am mostly not sleeping properly anymore and depression and gout starting to threaten more often again!  Lying there wide awake at 23h30 the night before last, I eventually took ¼ sleeping pill… hypervigilant… trying to shut my eyes, but they would just snap open quickly again… expecting danger… back to Patty’s days of fearing to sleep… waiting for mother to come and rip Patty out of her bed for a vicious beating once her visitor has gone, because she had embarrassed mother in front of her visitor earlier… mother had given her “THE LOOK”… Patty KNEW she was coming…
 
How on earth am I going to fix this and get myself back to the present (better than the past) sleep patterns!  Last night I took a ¼ sleeping pill and with that and a Rescue tablet and my absolute exhaustion, I did manage to sleep well, but I still feel so tired, and if things carry on as they have been, then tonight I won’t sleep well again… I really dislike taking medication regularly… but maybe I will need it for a while until I can come back to myself again…
 
No… I cannot just leave the past behind! 
Triggers in my present are frequently bringing the past forward into my present in the form of flashbacks… the same fears, anxieties, emotions, sensations, etc. that I suffered with then in the moments that the abuse occurred… it returns without warning whenever triggered in the now…
 
There is no such thing as “letting go!” when it comes to child abuse!  The whole idea is totally absurd!
 
Like I keep trying to get across to the “let it go world”… I WISH IT WERE THAT EASY… but the past will not let go of me!  What happened when I was a child is not something that can be simply forgotten… unless it has already been blocked in childhood, at the time of the abuse, as part of the brains protective work to protect the child’s emotional/mental integrity from a trauma that was too difficult to store in a conscious way…
 
Abuse memories are NOT something that should STAY forgotten forever, because while such memories are trapped, blocked and hidden in some dark recess of the mind, they will CONTINUE TO FESTER and present in other ways, such as illness, depression, violence against others or self, or even addictive behaviors, and so much more. 
 
Through the self-work I have been doing, I am becoming more and more aware of how my own past is still playing out in my present, even at the age of 62 years… affirming to me, that to this very day, my past has not LEFT me! 
 
Loss and threats of loss
All the upset that started mid-year last year through different sources, that created losses and threats of loss in vitally important areas of my life, has continued to compound in other losses and threats of loss, to the point that the destruction caused, and even the self-destruction, is now added to continuously… it is just grown and growing… I see it all like a snowball rolling down a snowy hill, gathering more snow as it goes, becoming bigger and bigger… heading for a large rock where it’s going to eventually smash to pieces and those pieces will just disappear down into a bottomless abyss forever… and I am left with a real feeling, that not one piece will be missed… hardly anyone will notice when I’m gone. 
 
Why… because I’m still struggling with the invisibility spell from my childhood where I was often made to feel invisible by those who should have loved me… so the invisibility spell they cast on me then still keeps coming back again to haunt me and still hangs onto me in my 60’s… I seem to be stuck with it… I don’t want it… it does not feel nice at all… there is huge fear attached to feeling invisible, so it’s not something I’m holding onto because I want it… IT’S HOLDING ONTO ME! 
 
Lost family and friends
As a result of family decisions that did not include me and my feelings, I lost trust in their love… and as a result of reacting openly with my emotional pain at the time, I lost my connection with that important and much needed part of my family.  I did not only lose that part of my family, but I lost my helper… she never came back again… I lost my nephews and even my dad, because I no longer have the freedom to access to any of them… trust in love has been damaged and that has left only the NOTHING…
 
And it doesn’t end there… it just took that one icy snowball that was first thrown in May last year, to set off a whole avalanche of hopeless despair and losses in my life…
 
Shem for instance… I praised his work so publicly that many took him on for his valuable integrity of work… even close friends and family, and I was happy to share him and wait my turn … but suddenly he was completely taken away… GONE!  When I found out who was responsible for that loss… I felt betrayed… because once again, I was not included in the decision, as if my feelings and needs were not taken into consideration at all.  And don’t get me wrong for one minute… I’m very happy for Shem that he now has a steady job and his own security needs fulfilled… but… if one has the thought to go back to my childhood, where so many things and needs were so often, and so suddenly taken away from me without my being part of the decision making, by a mother who would not allow us to love anything or anybody more than her… the sense of betrayal NOW is as real today as it was back THEN… The past will NOT leave me alone!  So… more trust lost… more love lost… more friends lost… but I still grapple to hold on… because I hurt too much… because I love too much…  
 
And gradually I feel myself withdrawing further, to that dark place somewhere inside where all those dark memories are stored, because the dimming light of the world will not allow me to feel completely welcomed here, or a part of…
 
Someone else who has always written to me in a certain way and made me feel completely whole and accepted in their world, suddenly changed as a result of the ripple effects of May last year… and now they only send snippets of what once was… I realise that my mind is interpreting those snippets as somewhat like teasers, because I cannot grasp what’s real right now while my self-worth and sense of being is so shattered… and if I respond in any way emotionally… or with my true feelings, they seem to suddenly cut the conversation, and they are gone again… until “next time”… where another snipped of what once was arrives… and then I want to rejoice as I used to, but something is holding me back…
 
And I realise all too well, that much of this is due to my own changes of perception of being worthy of love… of my sense of belonging… etc… I have lost my sense of freedom to be… to belong… to be loved, etc., and so I am perceiving every situation in a way that supports and affirms my shattered sense of self-worth and being at this time…
 
What can I believe in anymore… how could I be with this person or that person ever again in reality now… freedom of expression has been taken away… I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells… if I express my pain or struggles, they will turn from me… if I express my love, they might feel threatened…
 
I don’t even trust myself anymore… what if they think I’m transferring on them when I express my love… I have been left with that haunting fear ever since the transference and counter transference happened with my therapist… I CAN NEVER ALLOW TRANSFERENCE TO HAPPEN AGAIN… but who trusts me now that they know it has happened before… If I cannot trust myself with his one, how can I expect anyone else to trust me… so it’s always weighing heavily on my mind… how much love is true love and when do the scales tip and it’s transference love… what belongs to me as an adult and what is the child’s longings and needs… AAARGH!!!!!
 
Just like when I was a child… I had to trap my own feelings… my own voice… my reactions… and as a result, I bound myself tight in the suffocating cords of SILENCE and ALONENESS… to keep myself safe from myself (my own overwhelming feelings and needs and reactions to those)… I subdued my own inner-children and their feelings and voices, so that they could not cause any more problems with their authenticity than they were already experiencing, just for being alive in the first place… for if I dared to speak or act on my feelings, mother’s wrath would descend on me like a vicious monster… I learned to be quiet and to be alone then… I feel like I’m heading back into that place… it’s safer here… (a place where there is peace without peace)… if that makes any sense… I guess it’s a case of what form of peace hurts the least…
 
I don’t know what’s real anymore… trust in the world has been so damaged over such a short space of time, that I’m left confused in the wake of it all… and very, very alone… I don’t know what trust to trust, or what love to trust, and everything becomes blurred between past and present… and the future is just becoming a black hole staring blankly at me and I into it… but I see no light in there…
 
Maybe there is no more trust to believe in… maybe that’s what I am called to LET GO of… I just don’t know anymore…
 
I do still believe in LOVE though… my love for others… nobody’s been able to take that away from me yet…
 
Since my sister (in law’s) passing the horrid airplane flight home from her funeral, I have struggled more than ever… lack of sleep has not helped… lack of what once was is not helping… lack of my sister’s regular and genuine, uplifting support is not helping… but… lack of trust in life is helping least of all…
 
Depression is haunting me… lack of sleep is getting the better of me… the urge to hurt myself is back in a big way… but I refuse to ever go there again no matter how desperate the urge…
 
Having love taken away… family, friends and helpers stripped from my life… I guess I could safely say… I’m not doing too good right now… the tiredness is overtaking me… the depression keeps surfacing… I am now pushing people away more and more… self-imposing my own loneliness, because I can’t trust anymore… and being alone is a “safe place”.
 
Abuse it is not something that any child should be expected to forgive…
So, do NOT expect an adult survivor of child abuse to forgive their abuser, unless that’s something they feel they can do for reasons unique to themselves.  There is so much I CAN forgive my mother for, because I can see more clearly now where she was coming from as she too was an adult survivor of very severe child abuse… but the suffering that still comes with the flashbacks as a result of the abuse she inflicted on me as a child… that suffering is not something I can forgive her for… I leave that to my Father in Heaven… I still have a struggling inner child inside of me and I cannot expect her to forgive her abuser… how does a small child even understand the concept of forgiveness in the same way an adult does…
 
Expecting that would be the same as raping a child and expecting them to say, “I forgive you” at the same time! 
 
The inner child’s memory of the very moments of her rape and/or abuse (whether conscious still, or blocked at the time of the trauma) can still be triggered to the surface years after the actual trauma occurred… as if it is happening all over again… triggers at any time in her life after the incident, can bring those terrifying and painful flashback-memories to the surface in an instant, no matter how old her adult self has become…
 
The inner child becomes STUCK from the moment of her abuse trauma… and without HELP from her adult self and the world around, to face what happened… to understand that she is NOT to blame, to feel completely loved and accepted, etc., she has no hope of finding her healing… because what she missed out on THEN, is exactly what she is still needing for her healing NOW! 
 

When (A) posted the picture above on Facebook recently, I responded
 
Panayiota:  In cases of child abuse, it is not possible to leave the past behind... it clings and continues to cause problems throughout life... one needs to learn about their past and how it is affecting them and others, so that they have a REAL reason for all the nightmares, and something to work with toward their healing... it takes courage and hard work, but it's worth it.
 
(A) Is one never able to find release from the abuse, to leave it behind, to grow, to adapt, to become renewed? I believe that it is the person holding onto their past, just like in this image, and at some point in time, either by forgiveness or acceptance, it should be put down. 

Panayiota: Severe child abuse can create complications that cannot just be ignored and pushed aside, such as Dissociative Identity Disorder... DID... (operating on different levels that can be triggered by current events that bring back the past in the form of flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, nightmares, etc.)  No child should ever be expected to forgive their abuser or rapist (that's God's work)... the inner child lives on with the same struggles that existed in their past and at the same age as they were then when the abuse occurred, with the same needs for protection, rescuing, nurturing, safe love, etc.) Learning how to comfort and reparent the inner child and how to love and accept one's self again... how to deal with and stop the intrusive thoughts and nightmares... how to take responsibility for one's behaviours, reactions to triggers, etc. and how these behaviours, reactions, etc. are affecting one’s life and relationships in the here and now, is the only way to find healing. One cannot learn any of these things if one does not have an idea of where their struggles are stemming from and why... Facing the past is the only way to help the inner child of abuse and to integrate the broken parts into healing and wholeness.  Anyway, there's a lot more to it… most people won't understand unless they had experienced it themselves... and that is why the journey to healing is such a lonely one filled with obstacles. It is the unrealistic expectations and lack of understanding, acceptance, forgiveness and genuine love from the outside world and all the judgement and labeling excuses that keeps the inner child stuck inside their adult self and makes the journey to healing for the adult survivor of child abuse that much harder and even impossible in many cases. This is why the journey is a life-long one.
 
(A) That's heartbreaking, being trapped like that. 😢 

Panayiota: And of course, one can grow and adapt and become renewed... it takes very hard and continuous self-work and it really helps when the world works with you with compassion and love. Only love (connection)... self-love and love from the world outside, is able to help lift the curse of child abuse. Many child abuse victims who have been properly loved and nurtured during their recovery, grow up with very few symptoms and live really good lives... 
 
It is heartbreaking, and that's why I am doing the work I am doing, totally exposing my every weakness and struggle on my blog, and how hard I have to work to help myself to see what's happening... how it's affecting my life and relationships, etc.... and what steps I am taking to do something about it... Logotherapy has given me the courage to do this.  I was totally trapped and broken for most of my life, until Logotherapy found me in my 50's... I've had to work very hard since then... still working very hard... but I've come so far over the last 12 years and know there has to be more and I'm working my butt off in the hopes of that MORE... so the work has to go on and I pray, that no matter how many people turn their backs on me in the process, because they don’t understand, or are embarrassed about how open and honest I am about my day to day struggles... I just pray that for those who understand and do identify, I can help to bring healing through my experiences in one way or another.  
 
I refuse to give up, even if I end this journey entirely alone and hated still by those who should have loved me! I believe that this is the true purpose of my life, and my voice is for those who know how THIS feels!
 
(A) You would never end up entirely alone and hated, because there is love and compassion and understanding.  And most of all there are so many who knows what THIS feels like. 

Panayiota: Thank you dearest (A)... bless you.
 
 
To end this blog post…
Just to make this very clear... I do not hate the people who hurt my life, or live with any bitterness towards any of them.  But I DO still have uncomfortable, frightening, painful, etc. flashbacks and negative reactions that are directly related to the inner child's sufferings which IS messing with my present life and relationships, and as a result, I believe very STRONGLY, that a child (adult survivor of child abuse) should NOT be asked to forgive their abuser.
 
Even my inner children are not sitting there with hate and bitterness towards their abusers... but each inner child is still struggling with their brokenness and deep emotional pain... still LONGING for the love they were never given... feeling invisible... still STRUGGLING because of the abuse they experienced...
 
All of that has nothing to do with any need to forgive... it has to do with the continuation of very real and deep struggles as a result of the child abuse that WAS inflicted on the child...
 
I am at peace with my mother (because I understand so much of her struggles now and many of the “Whys?”… but that still does not excuse what she did to us, her children and the lifelong struggles we’ve had as a result) ... and I am at peace as far as my stepfather goes, (because he's in God's Hands and/or Karma which I strongly believe in)...
 
My deepest pain will always be in my agonizing longings for my mother’s love which never was, and my never-ending longing for my own father to rescue me from my struggles…
 
And yes… those two deep needs are more than likely where all my other struggles are stemming from if looked at carefully and taken into consideration, so I gather, that there will always be some degree of transference involved in every struggle I encounter and every need that I reach out to satisfy…  
 
Conclusion
My adult self has no need to forgive anyone... my inner children will NEVER be expected to, or asked to forgive their abusers... that's not even a question that needs to be asked of them... so it is NOTHING to be discussed! 
 
So, that's where I'm coming from... From the angle of a severely child-abused child who is still struggling for her survival needs today...
 
My mother even tried to abort me before I was born, and it was shown in therapy that I still have a deep subconscious memory of that trauma... of feeling unwanted before I even came into this world...
 
If any forgiving is needed for my inner child’s abusers, that’s my Father in Heaven’s work… and I completely trust that He knows the full stories of my abusers and will be able to weigh their stories accurately in order to make His decision on their status for forgiveness… and I trust that I will fully accept HIS judgement in the matter… for I truly believe, that forgiving my abusers, is HIS WORK and I truly believe in HIS WORK in my life and in each of our lives.
 
My work is to NOT HATE… for if I were to hate, then I would be no better than THEM.
 
Thank you for sharing with me today
 
~ Panayiota

​There’s no particular reason why I posted Hiraeth here, other than I identified with the meaning of the word when I saw it for the first time recently… I felt a connection to it. 
 
The flight home
The memory of flying home on the plane is mostly a horrible nightmare for me, but there was one beautiful blessing that held me together on the trip.  The same lovely air flight attendant, Sandy, who had been so kind to me on the way to Utah, was on the flight going home as well.  She was so happy to see me, just as I was so happy to see her, and she told me that she was on a flight she never takes, so it was truly a blessing to meet up with her again. 
 
I do believe in Tender Mercies and blessings from Heaven… we are not alone.  If this is the only message that I am ever able to pass onto my readers, so that you can also be more aware of the blessings that do come to you from Life, in each and every situation, good or bad, then I will be happy about that, because it is the one TRUTH that I hold onto that keeps me together each and every day.
 
I don’t think I mentioned in my first post, re: my sister’s funeral, that because Sandy had been so kind to me on that flight there, I wrote her a letter to thank her and gave it to her just before we landed, because I wasn’t sure I’d see her again in the rush, on the way out of the plane.  She came to me after reading it and expressed such gratitude, telling me that she was about to retire very soon and that my letter meant so much to her.  I think in some way, we forged a lifelong connection in our hearts then… even a spiritual connection… even if we never saw each other again… for me, her kind presence on that plane was a bit like, I’d imagine… being touched by an angel. 

So, there she was again, on the flight home… I honestly believe that I live a “charmed life”… that no matter what hardships I go through, Life always sends a Miracle blessing in one way or another, just to remind me, that I am being watched over.  
 
Sandy told the young couple sitting next to me, that I was a very special passenger who she’d met on a previous flight, and that they should treat me well… They laughed and promised to do so.  I felt safe sitting next to those strangers after that…
 
After all the on-flight routine with meals and drinks service, etc. it was way past my bedtime… and when I am overtired, I can’t fall sleep easily.  I struggled so badly to fall asleep, that in the end my legs became extremely uncomfortable with the fidgets (restless leg syndrome)!  It felt like they were on fire or like jolts of electricity was passing through them!  I was so terribly uncomfortable that I didn’t know what to do with myself.  I kept jerking my legs with the terrible feeling that seemed to send my muscles into spasms.  I’m sure it must have been disturbing to the lady trying to sleep next to me.  In the end, after a long struggle, the ¼ sleeping pill I’d taken earlier to sleep must have finally worked and I fell asleep.
 
I vaguely remember during the night, someone tapping me hard on my shoulder…
 
Was I dreaming and they were trying to stop me?  Shouting out, maybe… ?  I felt terrible, thinking that I must have disturbed the other passengers sleep…
 
When we were woken in the morning, I had barely had much sleep at all, and I felt so groggy, shaky and just horrible all over!  I noticed that the lady and her husband had swapped places and neither of them were as friendly as the night before.
 
I felt terrible… it was the worst feeling, not knowing what I’d done that must surely have disturbed those people during the night and how much I’d disturbed others also.  (age old feelings surfaced… feelings of being a failure… a BAD girl… not fit to be in this world) … I felt so ashamed… guilty… and just horrible.  Those feelings haunted me… I felt very uncomfortable on the plane from then on… like I did not belong, and everyone must have been angry with me… I was once again, not feeling the acceptance and love of being in this world… I WAS NOT FEELING SAFE OR WELCOME THERE… I felt like my fearful and sad inner child, Patty, had taken my place sitting there… she was all alone, surrounded by people who didn’t care about her or want her there…
 
Except for beautiful Sandy… Sandy still smiled so kindly at me every time she passed… her words were kind… I wished she could stay so I didn’t have to feel so judged and alone there in my seat.  I was very glad to get off that plane and away from that place.
 
It was so good to see a familiar face when my second son came forward, even before I came through the doors where the people were waiting for the passengers arrivals.  He must have seen me through the window pains and was already there to receive me when I was pushed through the doors.  I can’t tell you how much a loving gesture like that means to me, his being there before I had a chance to wonder if he would be, was a TRUE HUG from Life, in a moment of my real need for REASSURANCE… I was loved and not alone in the world… my son was there…
 
On the way home from the airport, I noticed a beautiful sky as the sun was setting.  I held onto that lovely sight for a sense of comfort… of coming home… of belonging to something far greater that was still waiting for me, needing whatever it was that I still had to give to this world, for whatever reason… somewhere… out there.

​I first thought, Angel wings, and then I saw a beautiful eagle in flight… but looking at the picture today… I see a greater white eagle riding on the back of, or flying above the beautiful orange sunset eagle ♥
 
Our bathroom
It was so good to be home again… but, as I walked into my bathroom, the bathroom cabinet came crashing down onto the floors.  The tiles behind it had loosened as had happened in three areas of the bathroom before that… they just dropped off.  Whoever did the job of tiling the bathroom before we moved in here, did a slapdash job… lacking integrity!  I was so lucky not to get hurt as some bits of broken tiles flew and hit me.  I was so tired, it didn’t even really sink in until the next day.  My immediate thought was that my Anne did that… was she angry with me I thought through my extreme tiredness and with Patty’s mindset still more surfaced due to the difficulty of my plane flight.
 
(I only started writing this blog post yesterday afternoon, and before I went to bed, a gout threat had started in the center top of my left foot and also the back of my right foot.  It seems to me that my acute gout attacks have always been triggered by certain stressors… writing about my plane trip home I think was a deep and traumatic memory I didn’t need… that flight was really not a good experience for me on so many levels, but especially on Patty’s level… Sandy was the beautiful LIGHT in the darkness, that got me through it in one piece)
 
The next day, when I had more time to think about it, I realised how dangerous that bathroom was with the tiles being so loose on the walls.  As I lay in my bath in the morning, I actually felt fearful, that the remaining tiles on the wall behind me, where tiles had fallen before, would fall on my head.  The thought came to me then, that my Anne must have caused that cabinet to come crashing down as I walked into the bathroom the night before, because she could see the danger and our need to get that bathroom done and the falling cabinet was her love… not her anger.
 
The tiles were bulging loose in some areas… only being held onto the wall, but the grout between each tile, holding them together.  I knew that I needed to ask Shem for help to take all the tiles off the walls for once and for all.
 
The bathroom mirror, above the basin was also dangerous.  It was made up of four small mirrors glued onto the tiles.  The one mirror was leaning forward as if it had come unstuck on one corner… when Shem took it in his hands, it came off without any effort… it could have dropped at any time and my grandchildren could have been in danger if it happened when they were here… I was horrified at the thought!  I truly believe that my Anne caused the cabinet to drop, so that we could be award of the dangers in order to make our bathroom safe for us all.  Thankfully Shem has now stripped all the tiles off and we are hoping to get the bathroom done soon.

When we moved into this house, there were no tiles or plaster on the upper part of the one wall next to the bath, other than just two rows of tiles just above the bath.  The brickwork above those tiles was so badly cemented together, that when we used the hand-held hose spray to rinse our hair, the water would run straight through the wall into our kitchen, so shortly after we moved here, we had to have our handyman come in to waterproof and plaster over that brickwork.  Now that the two rows of tiles have been removed above the bath, one can almost see behind the big chunks of concrete, how badly the bricks were plastered together.  Real shoddy work!  Now that the tiles have been removed, we will once again have to be very careful not to let the water run onto the bricks, to protect our kitchen.
 
(To see the video of Shem removing the tiles, to see how loose they were, you can go to Patty’s Keys Facebook page… I will post it after posting this and it will only be near the top of the page for a few days until I post other items that will push it down.)

Our fridge 
At around the same time, it looks like our fridge has developed a problem again.  Water is collecting in one of the drawers and it was making a weird noise.  I’m praying it will keep going and whatever the problem is, it will sort itself out soon.  We switched the fridge off for a day to melt any internal ice and we turned its temperature up two degrees when we switched it back on.  There is still water accumulating in one of the drawers but at least the weird noise has stopped for now…
 
For days after I arrived home, I suffered from jet lag, and extreme depression, fatigue and anxiety.  I felt so dreadful, that I swore I’d never go on an air flight again for as long as I live, other than if I was able to afford business class so that I could at least sleep comfortably on the plane, and not be too close to strangers which I find disturbing when trying to sleep.  The only other places that would ever tempt me to fly again, would be to go to Israel with my sister… it’s been on her bucket-list for years to go there and take me with… and hopefully our littlest sister would come too.  It would be wonderful for us to really be together as three sisters in a real sisterly-way, for the first time in EVER!  My two younger sisters would probably want to spend more time on a Christian tour there, but I’d want to spend time with my Israeli friends who I’d met there in 2012 and hopefully to be able to do my new presentations there again… it was such a wonderful experience for me last time I visited there, that I wouldn’t mind experiencing that joy again… just one more time.  I never felt more accepted anywhere in all my life and have had a sense of mourning loss, ever since I left Israel, because I feel as if I left a part of my soul behind there.  I think it is the one place in all the world, where I experienced a true sense of real belonging for the first time in my life, and my mountain top experience (Samuel’s Mountain), changed my life forever.
 
The other place I might agree to fly to, would be to the Logotherapy World Congress, and to have my sister there with me again.  I’d love to present my new works there (my unique and personal Life Task is what gives my life it’s true meaning).  Presenting at the 19th World Congress of Logotherapy in 2013, was an incredible time and experience for me, where I was doing something I never thought I’d ever be able or good enough to do… something that helped me to realise my true potential and true belonging… an experience that I would love to live over again, if it were ever possible. 
 
In future, I might fly locally here in South Africa, but never again on a long trip for a holiday somewhere (not after the flight experience, I just had and the dreadful jetlag, etc. that I experienced for days after).  If I ever did fly to Dallas though, which is pretty close to my family and friends in Utah, I’d agree to a quick detour from Dallas just to see them all again.  Of course, I’d need to be rich and famous to ever visit Israel or Dallas again… the last two times were sponsored and therefore they were true gifts from Life to me.  Both Israel and Dallas were places where I felt I’d come home to, if that makes any sense.  I started studying Logotherapy on the 24th February 2010 and it has changed my life exponentially for the better since then… Logotherapy is my place of belonging… it has been HOME for me.
 
Anyway, for days after my trip back from Utah, I struggled with depression and although the depression has mostly lifted, I am still in another place right now… struggling to sleep most nights… 5-6 hours, with a good night every so often if I take ¼ sleeping pill, which I don’t like to make a habit of.  I’m just so tired… always… always tired… the chronic fatigue syndrome I discussed in a previous blog post perhaps… must be.  I just want to curl up on my bed and sleep the days away, but I know I can’t…
 
I must keep pressing forward… Carpe Diem!
 
What was very special about the first few days after I arrived home, was that the weather was rather nippy.  When I left for Utah, I left a very hot and humid Gauteng… when I stayed in Utah, I experienced freezing snowy weather… so arriving back to cool weather was really very nice indeed.  From the first day back, I was able to wear the dresses that Brie had given me.  They were my sister’s dresses… brand new, still with their tags on… and only one she’d worn to church once and there were other items of clothing included which are going to be so helpful and were much needed.  The dresses were mostly long-sleeved, warmer material clothing that would be great for winter.  I think there was a blessing in the fact that I could try them out immediately that first few days home, before the weather became too hot again.  I felt my sister’s hug was still with me as I wore each of her lovely dresses, and I believe that was healing for me.   
 
I also came home to a garden full of lovely veggies needing picking.

​1st – 3rd March ~ My son and I went puppy/house sitting for my daughter and son in law, so that they could enjoy their anniversary weekend together.  My son was working that weekend, so I had a lovely quiet and serene weekend to catch up on some blogging.  I could do the same thing at home but being alone at someone else’s house always feels like a holiday to me… it was so quiet and peaceful there.  I took Mrs Poppy Peanut with and she just slept by me most of the time… enjoying the presence of my daughter’s big dogs, but not letting them get too close.  I also went to our Logotherapy supervision group meeting on the 3rd which I really enjoyed very much.  I took Poppy with then also and she was so well behaved… just slept on her little bed next to me the whole way through.
 
The beautiful eagle ~ my Anne
On the 5th March, something really amazing happened.  I’d just driven home from dropping my son off at work early in the morning.  As I was closing my security gate, I looked up just in time to see a large eagle landing on the light pole across the road from our house.  I was absolutely intrigued and in awe.  One would never usually see an eagle in the town areas, so seeing this one with its’ beautiful wings outstretched as it landed gracefully, and facing me as if looking at me… I just knew that it was my sister letting me know that she is watching over me.  I remembered the beautiful sun-setting sky on the afternoon I’d arrived home from Utah and connected it immediately with the sunrise-eagle now looking at me from the top of the light pole.  I was overjoyed… ran for my phone to take a photo, but the eagle was gone by the time I returned.  I now wish I’d not run for the phone… a reminder to me, to just enjoy the beautiful moments in time more.  I would have loved to have seen the eagle fly away… but maybe I was not supposed to… maybe I was meant to be left with the memory of it landing there and looking at me.  When I told my niece, Bri about it, she agreed with me… that was just the sort of amazingly reassuring thing my Anne would have done to let me know she’s still with me… to make sure that I KNEW for sure.  I feel a sense of overwhelming gratitude whenever I think about that beautiful eagle.  I remember it as a very dark brown…

Noticing the signs
The day after I saw it, I thought to myself… could it have been a hawk?  I don’t know the difference between an eagle or a hawk… I thought hawks were a lot smaller than the beautiful big bird I saw on the top of the pole.  It did worry me though and a few days later, on the 11th March, I decided to look up on the Internet, to see if I could learn a bit about the difference and maybe identify the bird I saw.  As I landed on the page of images, I saw a picture of exactly what I believe I had seen… and it was an eagle… and as I saw it, and in that moment, I glanced down at the time on my computer… 11:11 on the 11th of March… that was all the confirmation I needed… 11:11 being known as the awakening code and a number that I’ve seen often connected to special events and beautiful moments like that, (and I’m not the only one).  So, I just KNEW… my sister IS with me… she has not left me.  I believe she will be praying on my behalf and thus helping me through my life… yet another guardian angel to watch over me… and I feel so blessed to know that she is not far away now that she’s crossed over the veil.

Caring neighbours
On the same day, our neighbours, the ones I was afraid of when they first moved in, mowed our outside lawn and our other neighbours lawn next door to us also… we share our outside lawn.  I’d already asked Shem to come help with that, but they had already done it… That was so unexpected and kind of them.  The day before, I wanted to give them a bottle of pickled cucumbers, but could not see them, so I left it in front of their garage door… they must have taken it and decided to bless us also… and indeed it was a lovely blessing.  We are getting along just fine now and still gifting each other whenever we can… We take vegetables over when I have excess, and they often open the gate for me when I arrive home and they happen to be outside at the time… I love living in peace, harmony and friendship with my neighbours, so I’m much happier now… gratefully.
 
I need sleep!
I have been seriously lacking sleep since I arrived home from the USA… averaging 5-6 hours a night.  I pray it will all come right soon, because I cannot function properly on so little sleep.  Every few days I take ¼ sleeping pill, just to try and get in a good sleep.  I think that the horror of the plane trip home from the USA is what’s still affecting me… it’s a bit like I was living a nightmare on that plane that I’m still trying to wake up from… only I’m already awake and not getting any sleep… I have to get my sleep mojo back soon… I can’t go on like this.

Memories...?
On Saturday 7th March, Brie sent me photos of my time with her and my family in Utah, for me to add to my blog posts.  I have a memory that is constantly eluding me since my childhood… when I saw the photos, I realised that had not remembered being bowling with them... how is it possible that one can be so forgetful I wonder?  Even the photo of the beautiful chapel in the previous blog post… I remembered taking the photo, but not a thing about why we went there or what it looked like inside…
 
Was I tired or hurting or what when I was there… why did I forget that and the bowling night… WHY?
 
It's always been that way. I learned to block traumatic memories as a child and I'm still doing it to this day, but with my normal every day memories... even happy ones!  I just can't fathom it!  My memory seems to be very selective!  It makes even my office work extremely hard and exhausting, and lots of extra work needs to be put in just to remember what I did in the morning even!  I have to keep records of everything, just to stay on track… sometimes I look at the records, and still can’t seem to connect the dots… it’s awful and can prove very embarrassing for me also!
 
9March19 on FB ~ we're never alone
My sister and I were talking about this in the morning and later that day this picture popped up on Facebook, so I just felt to share it here, because I absolutely believe and know this is true and that's what keeps me going no matter what.

​14th March ~ Logotherapy dream interpretation
Around the end of February, a dear past logotherapy student of mine wrote about a dream she had had a while back and I helped her do a dream interpretation on it around the start of this month.  Today she called me to tell me how much the dream interpretation meant to her and it had confirmed her own ideas on it… in other words, she received a resounding YES to a question she had asked herself and prayed about some time before.  This student’s affirmation of me as one of the people who had helped her on her own lifechanging journey, was so beautiful to my heart.  I was grateful and uplifted by her call.  I am also very grateful for the gift of being able to help people with finding out the meaning messages in their dreams… it’s such a blessing to my life…
 
In some magical way, while I am able to help others, I am healing myself… it’s a beautiful thing.
 
15th March ~ The STUFF of life just becomes too much sometimes! I learned last night, that now someone has taken Shem on full time… I’m happy for Shem, but losing his trusty help is going to be a big blow, not only to myself, but others who had benefited greatly from his hard working and willing work ethic.  He says that he has a permanent job now, Monday to Saturday, so I now have no garden helper anymore and I was really needing him right now to help me get my winter garden ready!  He has been such a blessing to us.  
 
My house helper stopped coming, because I openly expressed my pain when my son’s job was threatened suddenly and so more loss and complications set in as a result, including the dynamics of my most cherished relationships changing literally overnight.  Since then, I was already not coping without help with my home, but now without garden help also, that's going to just be too much. I'll be very lucky if I can get my youngest son to help me with the garden on his days off... his gaming is far more important to him!
 
I envisage my weekends are going to be totally taken up with house cleaning and gardening from now on, just to try and keep up and as always… catch up!  I have to keep the garden planted, because without it, I will struggle even more to keep up with my special diet!  Right now, every spare moment from work or writing is spent cleaning and/or totally wiped out... I'm not getting much sleep anymore since the plane flight home... I'm never flying again if I can help it... not unless, as mentioned before, it's to Israel or Dallas Texas to present my work... I feel like my creative side and sense of freedom from burdens is systematically being totally stripped from me as new burdens keep piling on... what is Life calling me to do... what is the meaning of it all… NO FLIPPING CLUE!!!  Someone suggested that I have to change my job and get a weekday only job… the kind of 9-5 one… but NO WAYS!!!  I will never give up on my Logotherapy world after all the blessing it has been to me… I’d rather die serving here than have the blessing of extra time elsewhere.  I’m here until I just can’t anymore!

A struggling day today
I woke depressed and teary this morning after only 5 hours sleep last night.  I started the day washing dishes… spent most of the morning detached and trying to stay connected in front of this quiet computer, in case some work comes in… I struggle to stay connected when work is so quiet, even though I have so much to do!  Man… that’s such a spanner in the works for me!!!! 
 
I looked at my garden early this morning… it’s all end of summer chaos… it needs cleaning desperately… will my youngest son help me this weekend when he’s off duty, or will he be just lounging around playing games again?  I live in a house with another human being… yet I often feel totally alone here, even when he’s home.  
 
I still have a gout threat in both feet, although a bit better today, I wonder if I will be able to do the garden this weekend while they are still sore… it has to be done this weekend… I need to get the chaos under control in order to help my own chaotic mindset a bit… AARGH!  Feeling quite frustrated and tearful as I end off this post today…
 
Tomorrow’s another day… gardening is always healing for me, so there is hope of a better day with a few smiles thrown in… tomorrow afternoon I will attend a woman’s meeting at church… something fun and special… I’m looking forward to that!  It’s always good to have something to look forward to.
 
Thank you for sharing with me
 
~ Panayiota