​Into my Father’s Arms
©All Rights Reserved ~ pattyskeys.co.za
 
Where do I go
When day turns to night
No more energy to fight
No more beautiful light
When hope is fast fading
And there’s nowhere to turn
Left alone to burn
In anguish torn
Oh, to be reborn
In another place
Another time
Were LOVE truly exists
Where there is no doubt
No more wondering about
Alone in this cold-scorching place
Where I live with no face
Invisible and drained
Where do I go
 
Into my Father’s Arms
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(22 September 2021)

19Apr21: WhatsApp from a dear friend, Devorah Kur
Hi my dear, how are you? I am coming to the end of my project 💪🏼☺️ In my final chapter I am writing about forgiveness/letting go and its role in healing. I am wondering how you would feel about me asking you some questions about this from your personal journey and history? No obligation to say yes.

Panayiota:
I sent back a long waffly (lack of confidence) response letting Devorah know how bad I am at answering questions, but would try via email.
 
Devorah:
Hi Pan, Thanks for being brave in accepting my questions. I know that your past and your journey are challenging and I am not wanting to pressurize you at all.
 
After I heard you speak in Israel I was in awe of your bravery and your courage, this is why I have reached out to you now.
 
The final chapter in my project/thesis is about forgiveness and the role it has in healing. From my work as a reflexologist and counseling sessions with clients I have found that forgiveness of the offender can help release the offended one from pain. Having said that I always educate people on the myths around forgiveness which there are many, namely:
(quoting from my project):
 
Forgiveness has become a topic that is being researched, and Toussaint et al (2015) say that most researchers agree that forgiveness is distinct from pardoning, condoning or excusing the offense or offender (McCullough, Fincham, & Tsang, 2003). From my observations, I would like to present some myths about forgiveness and offer alternative ways of thinking. People are often resistant to work on this process of forgiveness because they believe that in giving forgiveness, it could mean any or a combination of the following:
 
1.      They have to release the hurt that they feel.
 
2.      They are condoning the negative behaviour of others. Forgiveness is not condoning – a wrongful act is still an unjust act. One can still remember the act even if you forgive.
 
3.      They are justifying another person’s behaviour, and, in so doing, others have a right to hurt them.
 
4.      They have to reconcile with the person who wronged them.
 
5.      They let the offender off the hook from the responsibility of asking for forgiveness. The myth here is that the offender doesn’t need to ask forgiveness – The real truth (and sadness) is that the offender has moved on with his/her life whether or not they (the offended person) forgive them. If they do forgive for themselves, they can rid themselves of their resentments.
 
6.      They are resistant to forgive because they feel that if they do, they are giving up being a victim of the injustice. (This is challenging as it brings up issues of self-esteem and self-worth.) They have learned how to live defined by the injustice that was done to them. The pay-off for this is that others feel sorry for them and pay them attention regarding their hurts. Without their hurts to hold onto or the care from others because of the pain they have suffered, who will they be? Being a victim has become an identity for them. In giving forgiveness, one can find healthier ways through working on self-esteem to gain care from others.
 
7.      They believe that forgiveness is an act of kindness to the wrongdoer who is undeserving of any benevolence. The truth is that forgiveness is not an act of kindness towards the offender. Rather focus on it being an act of kindness to yourself, allowing you to rid yourself of resentment.
 
Forgiveness is ONLY about the offended person and their desire to live a life free of what was done to them. It has nothing to do with the offender.
 
Based on this, I would be humbled if you could say something for me on your thoughts about forgiveness. Or perhaps you have one of your many poems with your thoughts.
 
Once again, if I am touching on anything that is too difficult, please do not feel obligated.
 
Sending love 
Devorah
 
Panayiota:
Dearest Devorah, 
 
Thank you so much for your understanding and encouragement.  
 
To be honest, I absolutely loathe the very idea of the word "forgiveness"... due to religious trauma syndrome, I've come to feel disgusted at the very idea/interpretation that many fanatical Christian denominations attach to it... Forgive and forget... even your child abuser, etc.
 
I do believe though that one has to come to a place of deep knowledge and understanding of "the other".  Education helps a lot.  How is it that a person could even have done what they did to me in the first place?  I could never "forgive" my mother and stepfather for what they did that has caused me an entire life of struggles and aloneness, intensely deep sadness and emotional pain!  
 
But I also cannot hate my mother.  She too was severely abused and I believe that she was abused by her own mother even worse than I was by mine.  I believe that my mother also has a divided personality... dissociative identity disorder (DID), as do I... knowing this helps me to have compassion for her.  I believe the bit about saying, "I forgive you"... condones what she did.  No, I could never say those words to her.  But I can say to her, I truly understand you mom and I still LOVE you unconditionally.  If someone would bring her to me in her "frail years", I would take her into my home and love her with a genuine love and cherish her last days with me. I'd want her to experience the true and unconditional love she never had and was never able to give to her children.
 
I can only talk from my perspective, but living with DID, I know how quickly my victim personality level can be triggered (a little girl still crying out for her mother's love)... and I know how quickly my angry rebellious personality level can be triggered (an over-protective adolescent who couldn't protect her little sister when we were brutally and repeatedly raped and beaten by our stepfather and ignored by our mother and beaten by her also for crying a lot, or acting our and not being “good enough” for her), and I know how hard it is for “adult me” to survive each and every day with these other levels so close to the surface all the time and triggered so often.  
 
I'm blessed to have researched very hard to get to know my own behaviours and the whys and wherefores of ME... but my mother has never had this opportunity, or the support I've had, or the understanding of her own deep and chaotic thoughts and feelings.  She has never been able to face herself… it’s always been someone else’s fault!  I bet she has regretted many of the bridges she burned and more often, even been too self-righteously angry and bitter still to regret anything she has done.  She has never been able to face or understand how her past has influenced her life and caused her to become estranged from the very children who would have loved her regardless of the lifetime of struggles she has caused us.  
 
I realised very early on, that I could never go back into my past and be loved by her as the mother she should have been.  I was on my own with my sufferings and longings and only I could help myself.  But my mother didn't have logotherapy to teach her, personal-responsibility, etc.  I can only think of her with the deepest compassion for the little girl or girls stuck inside of her with all their sufferings... never finding what they have spent all their life searching for, because she hasn't realised she, and she alone, could and should give it to them.  I am the only one who can help my inner-children to heal and integrate... and she is the only one who can help hers.  How I wish I could teach her what I know, but she has totally disowned my sister and I, adding to our measure of lifelong pain.
 
As for my stepfather... I will NEVER forgive him, but I don't sit here with any hate whatsoever in my heart!  I am totally NUMB to him.  He does not exist... and it is not my place to judge him... my God will deal with him and I believe He will... I believe in Karma.  Nobody will get away with anything they did, so why should I be the one to curse them... I don't have to… their own actions will curse or bless them, just as my own will curse or bless me.  If I had to carry the hate my mother used to carry for everyone she decided to target, I'd end up just like her.  My greatest work is to never end up anything like she chose to be... and therefore the work I have to do is my own deep self-work for healing and never give up on this, or me.
 
I personally think that forgiveness should not be a word in the dictionary.  Could a Holocaust survivor forgive Hitler or what was done to them?  Should they?  I definitely think NOT! It would be totally insulting to expect that form them, just as it would be totally insulting to expect an adult survivor of severe child abuse to forgive their abuser. The inner-child lives still... It's like telling an abused child to forgive their abuser!!!  The very idea is totally disgusting to me!
 
But, understanding and reasoning is needed... as opposed to forgiveness... try to see things from the other person's perspective. The aspects that make up their psyche... the why's and the wherefores of THEM.  Although, there is absolutely NO excuse to become a monster... that is mostly a choice, unless there are deep mental issues that cannot be healed without some form of intensive therapy and professional help.
 
I think there is something of far more spiritual depth than to merely forgive as if flipping a coin hoping for the good side to present itself randomly and be all shiny and spotless in its forgetting that the other side still exists… the memories, the hurts, the real damage, etc. 
 
I believe that when forgiveness was mentioned in the bible it was this that we were meant to discover for ourselves. We are created from LOVE.  We are expected to conduct all our thoughts and actions according to the LOVE we are created from.  
 
To do what a specific church says, and go tell my abuser that they are forgiven, is like pressing a "TO DO" button without thought... without personal, spiritual integrity or truth… just because it's expected and I'm brainwashed into believing I HAVE TO or I’m dammed to the burning hellfire’s if I don’t! 
 
No.  What is expected of us as human beings is something so much deeper... based on our true humanness... our spiritual depths and our true conscience and consciousness.  We are not machines doing what is expected of us, because we are told it's the “right” thing to do.  We each have to become uniquely more than that.  It's truly a case of distinguishing for ourselves between right and wrong... our choice of right and wrong... not our judgment of the other, but rather the decision we make about who we want to be... what UGLIES we choose to hold onto... choose not to deal with.  
 
In child abuse, the UGLIES often hold onto us for the remainder of our lives, due to a trapped inner child's perpetual sufferings and crying out (the silent scream of unfulfilled needs and unfulfilled unconditional love, nurturing, etc.).  Our own adult-self has to make decisions on how to move forward.  We cannot allow our inner-child/ren to be burdened by more UGLIES than the ones that already haunt them from our past.  But we also cannot take their UGLIES away from them.  Instead, we can find a way to re-parent our inner-child... to sooth her and help her to find healing, by doing our best to give her what she lost in her childhood.  If we choose to wreak vengeance on our inner-child's perpetrator, we would only be adding to our inner-child's UGLIES and nightmares.  If we forgave her perpetrator, just like that, we would be totally denying our inner child any justice or healing… we would be turning our back on her reality.  NO... she WAS wounded and she IS perpetually crying out to be seen, heard and acknowledged in her suffering, but no matter what, we cannot now add to her suffering by causing suffering on another, even her abuser.  
 
That's not what a child wants, needs to see or hear or feel.  A child needs only what they never got... UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and KINDNESS... If we "the survivors" of child abuse, choose to conduct our lives with LOVE and KINDNESS leading the way, we, in so doing, live by the law of the child's Heavenly spirit... in purity and goodness... innocence and sweetness... This would be the only way to help her to heal.  
 
UGLINESS would only beget UGLINESS! So, in some kind of weird way... the idea of forgiveness isn't even needed and the very mention or expectation of it is totally ridiculous to me and insulting to the abuse-wounded child whose lifelong longings are based solely on capturing all that she lost in her childhood whilst living there with the neglect and abuses having been inflicted on her... the UGLIES that were inflicted on her and have continued to haunt her life relentlessly.   
 
I'm so sorry Devorah, I got quite carried away and I'm sure my views are so off the charts you might just want to chuck them out!  But these are my truths from where I am at this time in my life, still being very much affected by the agonies of my inner-children, and not because of any hate for anyone (there's been so much horror in my life against me, that I honestly cannot be party to more), but only for the TRUST IN LOVE that I perpetually long for and can never quite find or achieve.  The severity of the abuse I endured has turned LOVE into a type of illusion that can never quite be reached in reality... but TRUE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE will be reached in all its fullness in HEAVEN someday... this is the only BELIEF and TRUTH that I have left to hold onto and am prepared to wait patiently for. In the meantime, I know that my Father in Heaven has work for me to do here still and therefore I choose to stay, even though I have rarely ever really felt I belonged here.
 
You asked dearest Devorah, and I responded in the only way I know how.

Best wishes for your project and Lots of LOVE,
Pan
 
Devorah’s WhatsApp response:
Dear Pan. I don't know how to respond to your email 😥 I need to read and re-read it again. I feel ashamed and embarrassed for stepping into your sacred space and throwing the word forgiveness at you. It feels like I have dishonored your pain. I want to respond to you in the way that you deserve, and honour you for your braveness for choosing life and goodness over the evil you experienced. I wish I was with you right now and could hug your pain away. My heart is hurting for you and the childhood you described. I apologize if I have offended you. Please forgive me if this is the case. I am in awe of the love, care and protection you give your inner child. I guess the way I understand "forgiveness" is more of setting yourself free that the perpetrator can't hurt you anymore. I am actually struggling to write anything else. I know that we do not know each other very well, but I do want to share that right now I feel tremendous love for you and wish you every blessing and peace in your life.

Panayiota responded via WhatsApp voice mail:  Oh, dearest Devorah, you couldn’t offend me, no matter what.  Of course, you didn’t offend me.  I would have said, “I don’t want to answer this” if you had have offended me.  Not at all.  I get into a Zone and I start writing.  It’s like I’m writing from my very soul and I have to say what I need to say, but in no ways is it a reflection on anything you would have said or anything like that.  Not at all.  I was just expressing myself from my own perspective which is very deeply set.  So, no you didn’t offend me in the least.  I didn’t even think of anything that would have offended me.  I was just telling you what I think about the word, “forgiveness” and especially with the religious trauma syndrome that has helped me to see things from a different perspective which I am more at peace with.  There is my anger, because it’s over and over in my life that religion has damaged me and damaged my perspective, but it’s never, ever stopped me from loving my God and knowing that my God is with me.  He has always been with me.  He knows me… and everything I’m not receiving in this world; I know that I will receive when I get to Heaven.  I know that I’m already receiving it through His LOVE for me.  I know that He would never let me starve, for instance.  We’ve been without enough money for 3+ months now due to unexpected expenses with our dog becoming so very ill with Parvo and since then, she was spayed, vaccinated three months in a row, dewormed, etc., we had people help us with that, but there was still a lot we had to pay.  And May or June, I know we’re going to have to pay a lot again, because of my son’s car and I bought him new work shoes to keep his feet warm during winter.  And so, it’s been difficult, but we do not starve.  It’s like a Miracle that keeps happening… there’s no doubt in my heart that it’s happening.  It just keeps happening, no matter what, we don’t starve. Something happens… even if I don’t tell anybody about it, something will happen to make sure that we don’t starve! It’s incredible. I promise you; you haven’t hurt me at all.  Not in the least little bit, and I love you dearly for even thinking that you could have hurt me and wanting to say sorry.  Oh please, not at all, I promise you.   You see, I don’t talk very well (I tend to babble), I write better, that’s why I don’t like to talk, but thank you so much for caring so much and lots of love to you.

​Devorah’s WhatsApp response
I am so honoured that you wrote to me and shared your perspective with me. I love your connection with God/Hashem and am so happy that you have this belief and comfort in your life🙏🏼. You are a special person and I am privileged to know you.
 
Panayiota
Thank you so much. I feel very blessed to be connected with you also. What a gentle and loving spirit you have.
 
The way I see things, is I don't have to hate my abusers, because only God knows their full stories. It is not my place to judge them, and I trust God with any justice needed to help them with their personal and unique Eternal progression. It is also God’s place to decide what forgiveness, if any, they deserve. That's not my place. I am not a God. I also believe we are all at different stages of our eternal progression... some are early on in their spiritual progression and some much further on... which is again an important reason for trying to love unconditionally... and if not unconditional love, then at least no hate, bitterness and vengeance.
 
God expects of me only, to do my best to conduct every aspect of my life with LOVE foremost in every aspect of my being, thinking and doing. That is my spiritual challenge during good times and bad.  It's a spiritual challenge for all of us. 
 
These are the things I have come to believe on my journey through life dearest Devorah.
Sleep well. All my love to you 💝
 
Devorah’s WhatsApp
Amen to everything you have written.
 
Panayiota
Dear Devorah, I wanted to keep my email and WhatsApp in the same place so sent an edited email version of my thoughts on forgiveness to you. I'm so grateful for you inspiring me to write it all down. It was a cathartic exercise for me. Thanks so much and lots of love. I wish you and yours a most wonderful and blessed day 🤗🌸
 
20Apr21
Poems I shared with Devorah that I felt might fit with this post
 
BITTERNESS – THAT HEAVY BEAST!
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Bitterness, that heavy beast that sits upon my back
Trying to destroy my strength with every heartless attack
Whip in hand he beats me sore, ‘till I’m weak upon the ground
Then tries to drag me to his way, his hope to have me crowned
Bitterness crowned upon my head, the weight of it so sore
I cry out in my desperate plight, “Leave me!  No more!  No more!”
I will not take on that awful crown; I must get up again
For bitterness keeps on striking me, taking advantage of all my pain
Get up!  Go on!  Do not give up!  Try and try again!
For bitterness will not crown me, or join me to his reign
I’ll never give in to trial; I’ll keep searching for peace where I can
No matter how hard I’m beaten, I know my God has a Plan
I’ll keep my trust upon His Word, though this struggle is so great
Bitterness will have no power and I’ll stand true at Heaven’s Gate.
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(21 February 2003)
 
My mother was also seriously abused as a child and I tried to explain that in the poem below.  Child abuse is a TERRIBLE thing, and each one of us needs to stand up against it please to prevent such pain and suffering in this world! 
 
MOTHER - IT COULD HAVE BEEN WONDERFUL!
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Why do you hurt me so?  Why won’t you ever give up?
Why do you hate me so much, and drink from your own bitter cup?
Why do you twist all my truths and cause lies to strengthen your will?
When will you ever give up your useless fight?  When will you have your fill?
Why do you so need to possess everything that I love?
Why must you own and control all?  When will it ever be enough?
Why can’t you just love me, your daughter, and accept me for who ‘I’ am?
Why do you want all that I have?  For you, life’s just a taking game!
You cannot be ‘me’ or have my life!  You cannot control my destiny!
You have to live in your own life!  Oh mother… why can’t you see?
You’re a bottomless pit of lost hope that can never be filled - no matter what!
Mother you’ll always be empty, even if I gave my whole lot!
How deep are the dungeons of your life?  How dark and lonely your pit?
Where does your damaged child hide there?  Where in you, alone does she sit?
If the whole world threw in all of its love and every rich jewel, you were given,
You still could never be filled, and you’d still need more to believe in!
Your fight would never be over!  Your pain would never be gone!
No light could ever reach your lost child, where once pure, sweet innocence shone!
Abuse destroyed your faith; it crushed your dreams and your hope!
Forever alone in your dungeon, you will burn everything your lost child tries to grope!
You’ll never be able to trust in any true gift, given to you,
Because revenge is your loyal master and bitterness keeps on eating at you!
Your child is so lost and afraid!  Your emptiness, so vast and so cold!
Your dungeon is so deep and dark, because all your true gifts have been sold!
You sold them for lies and deception!  You manipulated and twisted them sore!
You threw them away like filthy trash and then you burned them to their core!
If only you could have accepted your precious gifts, you could have used them to build a ladder of hope,
Friendship could have knocked down those bitter walls and joy could have sent down a rope,
Love could have lit up your dungeon so brightly, that your child could finally see,
And mother, it could have been wonderful, because at last, you might have loved me!
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(1 January 2003)
 
MY QUEST FOR MY MOTHER’S LOVE!
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
What about the child in me who still cries out for you?
What about her broken heart that longs for love that’s true?
So desperate for her mother’s love, yet knows it will never be!
Why mother, can’t you love your child?  Where is your love for me?
Why have I never felt it once, or known it to be there?
I’ve longed and searched all of my life for my mother’s love to care
My patience has been endless; my love has persevered
Yet still you couldn’t love me and still you never cared
One day I might give up my quest, by then you’ll be quite old
And you might long to have me there; your daughter’s love to hold
But I won’t be there for you; I probably won’t even know
All because you never loved me mother; alone - you might finally go.
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(6 February 2003)
 
CRASHING WAVES!
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I’m back on the island of ‘Lost Hope and Lost Dreams’ again
Where the hundred-foot walls block out all the world's pain
Where disappointments and sorrows can’t reach my heart
Where I find refuge from anguish, by staying apart
Only, inside these walls where darkness prevails
My sorrows haunt me and disappointment ails
For its empty inside and it’s cold to the bone
Because no one can enter and I stand all alone
The waves on the outside crash relentlessly
On the walls that were built to keep sadness from me
Yet the tears on the inside constantly flow down
And I live in the fear that still, I might drown
And no one will know or care when I’m dead
And the emptiness tears at my heart filled with dread
For I have so much love still to give to the earth
Where I’ve known so little since the day of my birth.
 
But no matter how far this island at sea
Or how tall and strong the walls around me
My Father has always found a way in
For He knows where I’m hiding, and He cares where I’ve been
He’s heard all the cries of my soul to the sea
And when all else reject, He stands steadfast by me
For His LOVE is Eternal, and His friendship is true
He helps the walls crumble when hope’s ship comes to view
He knows I will sail on it again and again
Trusting it will take me to the ‘Land of Love and No Pain’
But somehow the storms know just where to go
And I’m shipwrecked quite often near this island I know
I’ve been here so often, I’m used to it now
And still the waves crash on the walls that surround
And I’ve come to expect their tormenting sound
Of judgment and persecution, where peace can’t be found.
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(25 March 2003)
 
YOUR ROTTING BONE!
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Like a dog with a bone, you just won’t let go
Of that ‘thing’ that occurred in the past
Where I said something hurtful, that caused you some pain…
It was a rare sin in anger, loosely cast
 
I admitted my sin, and asked forgiveness from God
I asked you to forgive me too
But you held onto that bone and wouldn’t let go
And now it’s rotting in the mouth of you
 
And ‘its stench’ can be smelt, day in and day out
Because you choose to hold onto it tight
And you use it to hurt me, again and again
As the rotting lures you away form the light
 
I know God forgave me the day that I prayed
But you chose not to, and now it’s your sin
It’s your burden to bear and carry around
Because you live in the past where ‘It’s’ been
 
You gag on it often, for its stench eats at you
And it sickens you deep inside
Because you won’t let go… you hold on so
To that ‘ROT’ you carry with pride
 
I pray that someday you’ll let go of that bone
To forgive me for the thing that I said
But if you choose to hold onto that rotting bone
It will eventually rot you instead!
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(2 May 2003 – For a friend… when she shared how her husband was holding onto something from the past and wouldn’t let go!)
 
FATHER’S PLAN FOR ME
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
All those years ago, Lord
When I was young and wild
Did You already know my plan Lord
Of a life that would be so defiled?
 
Did You plot my very path Lord
Did You mark the chart for me
Did You put in all the drowning waves Lord
And the storms upon my sea?
 
Did You make the land I traveled on
All rugged with mountains high
Did You put in all the thunderclouds
That covered up my sky?
 
Lord, in the forests where I lost my way
Did You place all those thorny trees
And when I was alone in the wilderness
Did You send those stinging bees?
 
I wonder Lord, if You did these things
Was it because You loved me true
Were these all gifts of growth for me, my Lord
Were they blessings planned by You?
 
Were they given to make me stronger, Lord
To send wisdom for my soul
Was Your plan to lead me back to You
Was my Eternity – Your goal?
 
If I could go back and change my life
To have an easier way
I wouldn’t do it, Father God
And risk losing what I’ve gained.
 
Oh, thank You Lord for all these years
Though they were hard with pain
For I know I’m closer to Thee now, my Lord
And someday we’ll embrace Again.
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(23 October 2003)
 
VICTORY RULES!
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
If you think that I’m playing the ‘Victim Game’ here
You’d better think again
For I’m only demanding the right to be seen and heard
And not to be judged as a sham
I’m demanding the right to be loved by all who should
And I’m demanding to be understood
I’m demanding that you no longer see weaknesses in me
But rather my strengths and my good
I’m demanding that you believe in me now
The way I believe in myself
And quit twisting all of my personal truths
And using them for gossips cruel wealth
I demand that you know that I’m special
A daughter of God who’s faced hell’s hate
And all forms of terrible trial
Yet I choose bravely to improve on our state
I’m demanding that you know, I’VE HAD ENOUGH NOW
Of being controlled and judged as a fool
For I’M NEVER, EVER GOING TO GIVE UP
As I grasp steadfast to Victories Rule
I demand that you see – LOOK AT ME
SEE – you can’t destroy me – NO! – NO MORE!
For I’m not the victim you’ve labeled
I’M THE VICTOR WHO CHOOSES TO STAND TALL
Because I WILL OVERCOME EVERY TRIAL
And I’ll shrug persecution away
For I’M A WINNER in this troubled world
And I’LL ENDURE to the end of my day
AND SOMEDAY MY LORD WILL EMBRACE ME
With the TRUE LOVE OF HIS MIGHTY CARE
For He’s carried me through every trial
AND I’VE KNOWN… HE’S ALWAYS BEEN NEAR.
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(27 March 2003)
 
I wrote the one below for my mother about her inner child’s unheard and disregarded cries for her healing love and attention.

​25Apr21
Devorah responded via WhatsApp
My dear Pan,
 
I hope you are well.  I’ve come back to you remail today and re-read it.  I needed to just take some time out to think and to just offer my deep respect and gratitude towards you for sharing your pain and your progress with me.  From my understanding of what I read about you… what you’ve written is that you have chosen the path of LOVE in your life, and you have chosen not to live with revenge and resentment, because that would just breed more hate in your life and you don’t want to be like those people who were the perpetrators of evil in your life.  And so, while this is a magnificent place of arriving at, and I’m so in awe of that you were able to get there. I feel that, for me, the word is not forgiveness because when I speak of forgiveness it’s not in the religious sense, but in the sense of something we give, for-give… we give to ourselves, and to me it sounds like you have done this.  Albeit, called something else, which I think is called letting go. That you have handed over, that you can only be responsible for the life that you live and you refuse to live in a place of hate, and that’s how you have been able to come to this place of maybe not peace, but a place of truth in your life, that these people will be judged one day, and it’s not for you to do.  I deeply honour you and respect you for sharing this process with me and if you have any comments to what I have now recorded, I’d love to hear that as well.  Just when I work with people and those myths that I wrote to you initially, I am seeing more and more that the word forgiveness is seen and maybe interpreted as something that we give someone else.  But the way I see it, and maybe that’s why the words, “letting go”, don’t let yourself be caught up in the shackles of the past, but in saying that, “That happened to me, it isn’t who I am.”, and it sounds like you have really done this in the most exquisite way.  And I can hear your pain in all that you have written and it just feels to me that you are a person at peace, who is loving.  Those parts, and those little girls who live inside of you, that while no-one showed up for them, you are showing up making up magnificently for them, and to me, it sounds like the way you have done this, is letting go of that “other person”, that they will not be able to live in your thoughts and in your mind and in your life. It is the past and you have been able to disconnect from that.  So, I feel deeply blessed and honoured to have heard and read everything you have written and just sending you love for a beautiful day.
 
26Apr21
Deborah's email repeated below with Panayiota’s email response inserted in Bold blue.
My dear Pan,
 
I hope you are well.  I’ve come back to you remail today and re-read it.  I needed to just take some time out to think and to just offer my deep respect and gratitude towards you for sharing your pain and your progress with me. You’re too sweet.  From my understanding of what I read about you, what you’ve written is that you have chosen the path of LOVE in your life, and you have chosen not to live with revenge and resentment, because that would just breed more hate in your life and you don’t want to be like those people who were the perpetrators of evil in your life.
 
Exactly. So often I saw my mother taking revenge on people… especially innocent people… and it just made me feel so sick to witness.  I never wanted to be anything like her. My sister and I made a sister’s-vow very early on in our lives, to never end up being like our mother and aunty Meg and gratefully, we have kept our sister-promise all these years.  There might have been moments where we were almost pushed over the edge, but we always chose to come back to our true selves because we refused to end up like them.
 
And so, while this is a magnificent place of arriving at, and I’m so in awe of that you were able to get there. I feel that, for me, the word is not forgiveness because when I speak of forgiveness it’s not in the religious sense, but in the sense of something we give, for-give… we give to ourselves, and to me it sounds like you have done this.  Albeit, called something else, which I think is called “letting go”.
 
You have used the words “letting go” in the exactly right context here so all’s good.  But it’s another of those borderline set of words that unsettles me.  Back to the religious use of the words… “Let it go – forgive and forget”.  So, it’s a phrase that needs to always be used very carefully as you have done here.
 
As in very deep trauma, such as child abuse and for those that suffered the Holocaust, it is not humanely possible to “just let it go” and should never be expected.  It’s so easy to tell a person to “Stop living in the past”… when in fact, the past is still living in them and WILL NOT LET THEM GO!  That’s the part that so few people can see or understand.  I am not choosing to be anxious and fearful, or to cry easily, or have twisted nightmares, or to be triggered by things that happen today.  These things are most often the result of my past and not something I can just get rid of or control by a mere point of the finger… these thoughts and dreams to the right and those thoughts and dreams to the left… whatever makes “THE OTHER”, comfortable and happy.  Heaven forbit a fanatical priest should actually acknowledge a person’s real pain and try to help them!  It’s so much easier to tell them to “Forgive and forget… Let it go… or you will burn in the hellfire’s for all eternity!” 
 
(Religious trauma syndrome is a real struggle for me! This is an area of real anger and discomfort for me.  A subject I try very hard never to get into with others. What my therapist [and others] did was very, VERY wrong and she got away with it because she was in a position of power… and the only peace I can find is trusting in Karma… yet, not wishing anything ugly to happen to her as a result… quite a conundrum.  But I just hope she knows now that what she did was wrong and that she nearly destroyed me in the process… otherwise, she’s still sitting there condemning me to the burning hellfire’s* at her own peril and that’s completely out of my hands. *judged by her religious fanaticism… (for not going against my own “evil” Christian church, to join her “perfect” Christian church)
 
So, when I say this is still an area of anger for me, it is not anger directed at my therapist, but intense anger at the whole fanatical religion thing of this world that I believe has caused practically every problem known to man, and more sufferings than any of the good that their many different and many twisted bible interpretations teach (especially the bits about why it’s okay to judge and hate others who are not the same as they are in their puffed up, self-righteous, self-proclaimed perfection).  This I believe is the greatest source of evil in this world!
 
I could go on about this subject… like listening to someone saying to me… “Look at that person, you can feel satan lives in them.  You can see that they are possessed” … etc.  That to me is the WORST most horrible sort of religious fanatical judgement and it makes me feel totally disgusted in the person saying such things. The person they are talking about might be just someone who needs greater understanding and love… NOT someone who needs their judgement, rejection and condemnation.  So I’ve personally come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as a devil… “out there”… the only evil that really exists is “in the hearts of certain men and women” that thrive on talking about “their devil and their evil”!  It’s theirs, because they are constantly proclaiming it in their various conversations… they invite evil into themselves by their devil-sayings and devil-thinking’s resulting in devil-doings which they stand behind and cover up by “their” twisted scriptural interpretations… they don’t even realise how much glory they are giving to “their satan”, but mentioning him so often… and I believe that in some warped way, they are even worshiping “their satan” by doing so!  If he were real, I can imagine him laughing out loudly every time they mention his name!  Patting them on their backs!  Rewarding them!  Loving every minute of how much they have fallen into his “BE fanatical create chaos and unrest by hating and judging others” religious trap! People who carry on like this are actually “owning their satan” and lifting him up to glory with their horrible judgments, one against any another who is not exactly like themselves!
 
That you have handed over, that you can only be responsible for the life that you live and you refuse to live in a place of hate, and that’s how you have been able to come to this place of maybe not peace, but a place of truth in your life, that these people will be judged one day, and it’s not for you to do.  YES! I truly believe this. I deeply honour you and respect you for sharing this process with me and if you have any comments to what I have now recorded, I’d love to hear that as well. You have honoured me by your responses and for that I am so very grateful dearest Devorah. Just when I work with people and those myths that I wrote to you initially, I am seeing more and more that the word forgiveness is seen and maybe interpreted as something that we give someone else.  as well as ourselves. But the way I see it, and maybe that’s why the words, “letting go”, don’t let yourself be caught up in the shackles of the past, but in saying that, “That happed to me, it isn’t who I am.”, and it sounds like you have really done this in the most exquisite way. 
 
Bless you dearest friend… this means a lot to me.  I’d like for us to please try and think of new words for “letting go” … maybe “releasing my struggle” (which would include pain, anger, bitterness)… “handing it over” “Handing it over to the Universe”, maybe you can think of something better or choose one I’ve already used.  I’ve seen too many insulting Facebook, “Let it go” posts which make me mad… because no child abuse survivor, or bully survivor, or holocaust survivor, etc. could possibly just let it go… because it is their original struggle that won’t let go of them.
 
It is for us to find a way to our own healing… to deal with what won’t let go of us… or learn to live with it in a most humanly beautiful way… only LOVE can fill the spaces that gradually over time begin to appear between the pain, fears, struggles, etc… as we gradually find ways (our unique ways) to release our anger, bitterness, etc. This is an individual struggle and journey.  What works for one person might not fit with another.  We cannot expect some textbook method of healing to FIX each hurting person… I’ve realised that nobody in this world can FIX me… that is my work (between me and my God) and I have to do the work if I ever want to heal… it is MY WORK to do and any LOVING support along the way would be great.  Sympathy for me will not help at all… I am not to be the victim of my past… I am striving continually to be the VICTOR!
 
And I can hear your pain in all that you have written and it just feels to me that you are a person at peace, who is loving.  Thank you so much.  
 
Those parts and those little girls who live inside of you, that while no-one showed up for them, you are showing up making up magnificently for them, and to me, it sounds like the way you have done this, is letting go of that “other person”, that they will not be able to live in your thoughts and in your mind and in your life. It is the past and you have been able to disconnect from that. 
 
Yes, yes, yes… refusing to let them carry on abusing me.  They cannot continue to destroy all my potential.  I cannot allow it… I MUST NOT ALLOW IT! I have to fight for my life and for the sake of my inner-children.  I have to show my inner-selves what TRUE & UNCONDITIONAL LOVE really looks like… feels like… is… and where to find it.  I think most often it is found in GIVING and in LOVING others… it isn’t often found in receiving the same, because it’s hard for us to trust it… but when we do feel it and feel we can trust it, it’s such an incredible and healing blessing beyond words, even if only for a time.
 
I felt it… that special kind of Trust in your letter today, and I felt it in Teria’s last email concerning my latest dream interpretation.
 
It’s very fragile. Today you can love me unconditionally, in this moment, with this conversation, but tomorrow I might let you down and it’s all gone… I feel it’s gone.  It’s something I cannot seem to hold onto for very long.  This is why I record the moments in great detail, because I never want to lose them.  It is in these beautiful moments that my healing is reborn each time… the true meaning of born again… given another chance at life… Wanting to live… wanting to carry on to reach my fullest potential.  These are the moments I live for.
 
So, I feel deeply blessed and honoured to have heard and read everything you have written and just sending you love for a beautiful day.
 
Thank you dearest Devorah, I am so grateful to you beyond words enough to express my gratitude.  I feel deeply blessed for this incredible healing moment you have given to me at this time. 
 
If you ever have a meeting again with the Logotherapy group that I met and presented to in Israel, please tell them I turned out okay and I’m still climbing my mountain and will continue to do so.  I deeply want them to know, because my time in Israel was one that I can never forget… it was totally lifechanging for me… especially presenting to the Logotherapy group there and my incredible mountain top experience.  Every bit of my visit to Israel was a mountain top experience for me.
 
I love you very much,
Pan.
 
26 April 2021
Devorah sent me the link to the song: “You Are The Reason” Duet version by Calum Scott and Leona Lewis.  This touched my heart very deeply.
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ByfFurjQDb0
 
Then followed up with the following voice message
Hi Pan, I hope you are well. I wanted to share this song with you. It’s a song that I absolutely love and I’ve got some insight into it that I’d love to share, but I first want you to listen to it and let me know what you think of it.

I let her know that it made me cry and it was definitely a keeper.  She responded
I don’t know what it is about that song that I just love it so much, and I’ve been listening to it non-stop for quite a while.  And then the other day I was driving and listening to it; I was all alone, and I actually thought… (this is me being vulnerable, just my own personal side which I’m sharing with you…)  I just thought, this isn’t actually a song between a man and woman who love each other, it’s a song that I sing to the young girl inside of me and she’s the reason that I move on, and it’s for her that I want to fix the pieces that got broken.  So, that could make you cry now if you listen to it like that. So now when I listen to it, I can’t listen to it any other way than that.

What Devorah shared with me above truly touched my heart so meaningfully.  I will always love that song also as a result. 
 
28th April 2021
Recently, after discussing a very interesting Logotherapy dream interpretation with my mentor Teria, she responded:
 
Dearest Pan,
 
I am so very proud of you.  Strange thing, this:  that you clearly and deeply and profoundly see someone's potential - an experience so real, that you cannot else but believe that that potential will be realized!  That is always how I have experienced you and what joy to see the vision unfolding before my very eyes!
 
I agree that there is a much greater significance attached to your mountaintop experience in Israel than we realize.  But, that it includes a filling up of a past robbed from you - in a Dead Sea coming alive - and that it will allow you to embrace difficult others to you in a healing way, seems part of it.
 
I was just thinking some days ago of that postponed Israel Logotour that Samuel was going to organize for us.  I feel inclined to keep it small and intimate so that we can experience the event together in an intimate, bond-forming way.  You have just given new impetus to that!
 
I also thought of you visiting us again, all singled out and special!
 
Let us see where all this is going!
 
Much and fondest love,
Teria
 
Then, between the 10-18 May, fighting broke out between Israel and Palestine. 
 
Between that and extreme worry/fear for those I met in Israel, my boss and her husband who I love dearly, dear friends, etc., For a time I completely lost my future orientation… I lost my hope for the future… I was once again in that very foggy-dark “What’s the use?” mindset!  
 
The world has gone mad… The world is a dangerous place!  What’s the use of finishing my book? It feels like it’s TOO LATE!!!  There will be no time to get it published!  Will anyone help me to get it published now?  Who will buy it anyway, when we’re all just trying to survive the horrors of this world? 
 
(I also became quite ill with flu-like symptoms for two weeks.  The infection never quite made it past my bronchi to my lungs, so I don’t believe it was covid.  I very rarely get ill, so I believe that it was my negative mindset that lowered my immunity resulting in illness. One of my dearest friends was also rushed to hospital during this time and my fears of LOSS were increased greatly… I felt so alone in my hurting… acutely isolated with no one to share my deep emotional aching with… my inner child and adult level achings all mixed up together!) 
 
The deepest kind of depression set in… on and off tears… dissociation and empty-numbness in-between… more withdrawn than usual… loss of interest and desire get up in the mornings, or to leave my home… only my garden, dogs, my work keeping me going and the intermittent arrival of heartfelt and uplifting LOVE from my family and friends…
 
I have not fully surfaced… still struggling… but I’m not ready to “Let it (my life) go” yet! 
 
26May21
I sent a WhatsApp to my sister, Sharon:
 
“… I honestly can’t bear any of it… this world has become too ugly for me… constant underlying depression, fear and sadness…”
 
She responded:
“Hi Panny, the world is ugly and we are supposed to see it and dislike it immensely.  However, we have to look beyond the dirty windows and see the blossoms of Eternity beyond the here and now… (she was remembering the story in Viktor Frankl’s wonderful little book, “Man’s Search for Meaning” … when Frankl was with the dying woman).  I loved that story as I saw in it how we in this life, see Eternity.  We look beyond the dirt in front of the veil or through a dirty window which is the here and now, to see the beauty of eternity, which are the blossoms and life beyond.  The transcendent power in man is given through the spirit to see beyond the ugliness and evil, to see the impending joy of what is to come, which in itself gives us silent joy and contentment and the ability to live in a world we cannot love, but only work to love those in it, no matter how ugly they are… whilst we are here we do the very best each day in Him and for Him.    Makes life okay even in the middle of a mess.”
 
How right my sister is.  I would expand… that I will never love or accept the ugliness people choose to do, but will always try to love all people, everywhere, where it’s possible to do so.  I will NEVER love my abusive stepfather, just as I imagine many Jews will NEVER be able to love Hitler, but if my stepfather has a little inner-child inside of him crying out to be loved, and if I could separate that little child from him, I’d make sure to love and nurture that innocent little child with every fiber of my being. 
 
Thank you for sharing with me

~ Panayiota

​How uncomfortable it can be to deal with a person who seems to be unable to listen and hear with their heart, because they are so busy speaking their mind.  The mind may be brilliant, but without the ability to listen and hear with the heart, it accounts for nothing but vanity and cold arrogance and makes it so difficult to be close to such a person who is able to bring a lot of hurt to those who wish they could be close to them without being made to feel 'lesser than' whenever they try.  

I have already lived with such people in my past and it wasn’t a nice place to be.  There could have been so much genuine love and sharing in our relationship, but they just wouldn’t allow it to be possible, because they were unable to listen and hear with their heart.

I am very grateful to those rare ones who, over all the years, have listened, heard and genuinely cared ♥

~ Panayiota 

Man, that's so me... I know that's why so few people support my blog and why I'm so grateful for all who actually take the time to read my long and often dragged-out posts!  I appreciate you very much! Thank YOU! 

Hi there, I said I'd update you on Sweetpea by the end of last week, but things got so hectic around here that I just couldn’t keep up, so will share now how things went for her after her operation for spaying a week ago on Tuesday 16th February.
 
17Feb21 ~ The day after her spaying operation
Sweetpea is doing so much better today after a good night's sleep.  She is still hiding in her special safe corner where she likes to go when she's not 100% ... nobody can bother her and there's no threat that we might step on her there, so she can rest more peacefully there.
 
Today she's eating and drinking, up and about when she has to go out, she lay in the sun a bit, has wagged her tail a whole lot, barked at a noise outside and even got a bit of her playful glint back in her eyes.
 
She's still very sore, but so much better than yesterday! ❤ ❤ ❤ I'm giving her space for healing 🙂
 
19Feb21 ~ Third day post-op

​Photo:  Sweetpea feeling miserable on a chair next to me with nurse Trixie watching over her ❤
 
Sweetpea has been doing so very well... playing a little, walking all over the place yesterday, wagging her tail, barking and just looking so good, but today she seems very quiet and a lot sorer.
 
This morning I saw her heaving and think she may have eaten some grass and maybe that pulled on her stitches. I am watching her closely, but she's definitely not happy. I hope she feels better later after a good sleep.
 
She even let me sweep the floor today and didn't move from her spot to try grab the broom out of my hands, so she's definitely not feeling happy... keeps licking her wound and we have to distract her from pulling on her stitches.
 
EEEK! Yesterday she was so much happier.  I'm struggling to concentrate today because I'm worrying so much about her.  Maybe the sutures are meant to sting a bit more by today... I don't know!

Photo:  Sweetpea was back to sleeping in her safe corner for most of today
 
I must tell you something wonderful!  The day before yesterday we picked up the itemized bill from the Vet: It's a whopping R3914.60 ... the same day, someone I barely know had kindly donated R500 into my personal account, so I knew that bill would be quite a bit less once I pay in that R500. 
 
I actually thought the bill was going to be around R5000 for all the Veterinary procedures the two dogs had done so I was actually pleasantly surprised at the lower bill.
 
Anyway, I look at the bill and realise that they have not included the 10 pain tablets we received for Trixie... for standby for those days she's hurting, so the bill should have been be higher.  I immediately called to let them know, because the way I see it, if I am asking for donations and then cheat the Vet, I would not deserve any donations at all to help with the bill. 
 
So the next day my son went to fetch the new bill with the cost of the pills included... and the new bill is now R3729.60  🙏
 
Someone must have made a donation into the Vet's account overnight!  Can you believe it.  What a blessing ❤
 
Oh, how I love Karma ❤
 
So, all we have left to pay is just over R3000.  I'm so grateful that my dogs have been taken good care of and have had all the necessary procedures.  The amount left to pay is well worth it. 
 
Of course, Sweetpea still has to go for a 2nd round of vaccinations next month and I think they said the month after too because these are her first vaccinations!  So, there's still a whole bunch to pay, but she will be protected from diseases and in the end, that's all that matters.
 
She's still quiet tonight and sore, but her breathing is good and her wound is a little swollen and red… not much worse than yesterday, so I'm not suspecting any infections.  She's just sorer today ❤ She had her last pain tablet tonight. 
 
FYI:  If you want to know how to feed a dog a tablet, wrap it well in their favourite treat... like inside a bit of chicken or mince.  Have another two small balls of treat ready.  Put the pill wrapped one in their mouth first and then quickly offer the next.  They want the next so quick they swallow the first to grab the 2nd... too funny!  They don't even know they took the pill.  It helps to have another pet nearby, so they gobble it quickly so the other pet can't get it... heeheee!  Sneaky hey? 😅
 
20Feb21 ~ Fourth day post-op

I woke up at 02h30 - I could see that Sweetpea is very uncomfortable, so I put Trixie in my bed which she loves and took my pillow to Trixie's bed on the floor next to Sweetpea's, so I could lie next to her. I think that made her feel more relaxed and comfortable.  I love my fur-babies so much! ❤

Sweetpea’s wound is bulging and inflamed with the sutures pulling into her wound causing her a lot of pain.
 
I only had about 4 1/2 hours sleep.  Sweetpea was in so much pain that she would not get up as she usual did to go outside, so that worried me a lot and there was no way I could sleep knowing she was suffering alone in her little safe corner.
 
By 5am, I was already bathed and getting ready to take her to the Vet to be there as soon as it opened at 08h30. 
 
When I came out of the shower, there she was in the passage, up and about, wagging her tail with joy at seeing me!  She must have gone outside on her own as I'd left the back door open for her... just in case.  She didn't look too bad at all once she was up... but still, I was taking no chances.  Her wound looked too painful and she couldn't stop licking it. 
 
In 2019, I swore I was never going to get another dog after losing Mrs Poppy Peanut, my beloved little old black Dachshund who had to be put down due to a serious illness.  That pain for me was TOO MUCH!!!  But, here I am again, with two more lovely dogs (best friends) that I absolutely adore.  Both girls are rescues who had been gifted to me and what a blessing they are.
 
My reasoning for taking them to the Vet for costly treatments is that these might be my last dogs EVER as I’m 64 years old already, and so, they will get the best I can give them, even if I have to beg for help which I hate doing... but I WILL DO IT... for them ❤ ❤ ❤
 
Note:  There might be another donation to help with this bill, but that has not been confirmed yet ❤
 
I woke a tad weepy am... lack of sleep and worry... but also immense gratitude for love and also for the help already received.  I will feel much better after visiting the Vet and knowing something has been done to help Sweetpea feel better ❤
 
21 February 21 ~ Fifth day post-op

​One day of antibiotic and pain pills and Sweetpea's wound is so much better! 

She's hardly licking at all today and her playful, mischievous personality is returning again! YAY! She is still sleeping a whole lot, but it could be the pain pills doing that to her and this terrible hot weather that we are melting in!
 
Yesterday (Saturday) was a TOTALLY WASTED DAY!  I had not slept much the night before... I was totally flat for the entire day... just sat in the lounge chair totally switched off to even the TV. I did have an hour sleep during the morning, but it only made me feel worse. I never fare well on lack of sleep.
 
Today, (Sunday) Thankfully after 1/4 sleeping pill last night (Saturday night) I had a good night's sleep.  I had so much catching up to do, but, I also had three Zoom meetings today which I absolutely loved, but they took up a large part of my day.  Two of the Zoom meetings were with my church and one with my Logotherapy community.  How grateful I am that we are still able to meet during lockdown in this way ❤ ❤ ❤
 
22 February 21 ~ 6th day post-op
We have our rascally little hooligan back! Sweetpea is full of mischief again! You wouldn't even know she has stitches in still if you saw how wild she is once more! I'm having trouble getting her to take it slow and rest... haahahaa!
 
I'm so happy... OUR LOVELY, CAREFREE, CRAZY SWEETPEA IS BACK! Even Trixie seems to be gradually coming back to life with her sister back. OH JOY! 
 
23 February 2021 ~ 7th day post-op
Life is coming back to normal and I’m very grateful for all the support, Kindness, presence and love that has been shown to us and Sweetpea during this time, and so grateful for the donations thus far. 
 
There is still a great deal to be paid on the Vet bill and the next two rounds of Vaccinations that Sweetpea will have to have done.  If you feel you could assist, please make your donation into our Vet’s account directly. 
 
ABSA: 409 475 1639 (CHEQ)
Branch code: 630 395
Reference: Donation for “Sweetpea Ryall”
 
Vet: Dirk Gouws
Monument Animal Clinic
59 Second Street
Krugersdorp North
Gauteng
1739
 
Telephone: 011 660 2813
 
email: dirkvet@monumentvet.co.za
 
Grateful thanks all the kindness and sharing ❤ ❤ ❤
 
~ Panayiota, Sweetpea and Trixie

Our dear Sweetpea is home after being spayed and sore and drowsy and not even hungry for her favourite treats, but her wound looks beautifully done and she has pain pills for nighttime for four nights to help her sleep until she's recovered sufficiently.

My youngest son went with me early am, while he was off-duty to take Sweetpea to the animal hospital, and one of my dearest friends and greatest supports in the whole wide world came with me pm to fetch her from the vet and bring her home for which I am truly grateful.

Both Trixie and Sweetpea had their nails cut, chips put in and both were vaccinated. Sweetpea has to go back in two weeks I think they said, for more vaccinations, because she was never vaccinated by the shelter for abused animals before we received her, (a most wonderful, fun-filled, loving gift from our dear friend, Antoinette), so, more expenses... but important and necessary. 

Sweetpea also had her dew claws (not removed), but the nails cut very short under anesthetic. she had everything done under anesthetic thank goodness, including her spare tooth removed. Poor baby must be hurting all over!

I will give her the pain pill a little later tonight to help her to sleep pain-free and well... hopefully.

I forgot to ask how much the bill was... EEEK! I will have to call and ask tomorrow!  I did tell them as I was walking out, that I'd pay the entire bill by the end of March, and in the meantime, we are praying that donations will cover some of the bill to help us. 

Trixie looks like she is doing fine.  She was well behaved at the vet.  Not too happy about her manicure though, but I'm sure she will be glad it's done now.  

We are so grateful for any donation-help, no matter how small, it will make a huge difference.  

Thank you for sharing with me and for any prayers said for Sweetpea to help her through this. 

Bless you and bless Sweetpea.

~ Panayiota 

Photo: Since Sweetpea survived her brave battle with the Parvovirus, she is a lot clingier.  Just like a toddler, here she is standing up against my office chair asking me to pick her up.  How could I possibly ignore those beautiful, pleading eyes?  So, I pick her up for a few minutes and have now set up a chair next to my chair for her to lie on.  She’s happy sleeping there right next to me. 
 
Before I start, I’d like to thank the 9 beautiful people who so kindly donated towards Sweetpea’s time in hospital.  8 were people I know and love, but one person was a total stranger… (Courtney… thank you so much) … you are no longer a stranger and I will always be grateful for what you and my other 8 dear friends did to help save Sweetpea’s life.  Courtney and friends, if you ever need an update on how Sweetpea is doing, please write to me on my contact address for this blog:  pattyskeys@gmail.com
 
After all the donations, we were left with a R755 bill to finish off, which we paid on Friday.  Added to that, we also paid another R160 for Sweetpea’s post-hospital checkup so that the Vet could write a letter for the insurance we’ve started for Sweetpea and Trixie. (I’ll mention something about that later)
 
Latest update on Sweetpea
Our girls are doing so well. Sweetpea is 150% better and full of LIFE, LOVE and MISCHIEF again! Sweet little Trixie is content and happy also.
 
I am sending out another fundraising plea for the following in order of priority.  If anyone could help, we’d be so grateful:
 
Sweetpea spaying: R1850 – [once off] (She is booked into the hospital on Tuesday 16th).
 
To have both girls vaccinated: R485 for each dog (Total: R970)
 
Sweetpea’s extra tooth removed: approximately R600 – [once off]
 
Toenails cut: (no idea, but I do remember it was over R100 for each dog, and I want to ask the vet about Sweetpea’s due claws, because the other day she got one stuck in her collar somehow and that freaked me out!  What if I wasn’t here to help her.  So, I’m not sure yet if he can help us with those while she’s under anesthetic and how much it will cost to possibly remove those claws altogether to prevent problems in the future) 
 
We’d also love to have both dogs chip protected: R375 each dog (Total: R750) – [once off]
 
My dear friend who gifted us with Sweetpea not only donated R500 towards Sweetpea’s lifesaving efforts for her last hospital visit, but has also kindly offered R250 a month towards Sweetpea's spaying which is so kind of her, but of course, if we could raise more through donations, being paid into the Vet's account, we would be very grateful.
 
If you can help us with any of the above expenses
Please donate directly into the Vets account to help with the bills.
 
ABSA: 409 475 1639 (CHEQ)
Branch code: 630 395
Reference: Donation for “Sweetpea Ryall”
 
Vet: Dirk Gouws
Monument Animal Clinic
59 Second Street
Krugersdorp North
Gauteng
1739
 
Telephone: 011 660 2813
 
email: dirkvet@monumentvet.co.za

​Extra information, only if you’d like to read a bit more:
 
DotSure accidental insurance for our two dogs
We decided to open a Dot Sure pet accidental-insurance for both dogs at R130.90 per month altogether.  We can't really afford to do that, but the reassurance it gives to me is so important, especially after what we've just been through with Sweetpea and the dreaded Parvovirus. 
 
I live in fear of poisoning, because one of our beloved dogs was poisoned once when I let him out of the house in the early morning, and he died before we found out.
 
Our current house must have been built on a dump also as the soil is full of glass. Every time it rains, more glass is uncovered. So, the accidental insurance covers all accidents, ripping out a nail, swallowing something poison, a foreign object, etc. We would only need to pay 10% shortfall on any “accidental” only, veterinary bills which is a whole lot better than the full amount.
 
Reading over a poem I wrote for Thunder many years ago after he died from poisoning made me cry again. I never want to go through this horror again. I will never forget him.
 
OUR KING OF HEARTS
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Lovely Thunder
Our king of hearts…
A master giver of unconditional love
And true passion
Servant of attention
Beggar for your own desires
Ambassador of goodness
Most Beloved friend
Once alive with your own joy for life
Content to just be near
To those you loved so dear
Your eyes would close easily
When we held you close
Serene and confident
That all was well in your happy world
No one could harm you
When everything was so perfect
Safe in the giving and receiving of love
But harm did find you
In a moment of blissful joy
Soon after you woke that fateful day
A tasty sausage just waiting for you
So delicious! A perfect breakfast treat
All trusting in sheer delight
As you eagerly gobbled it down
No fear of the evil about to possess you
No fear of poisoning! No fear of death
No arms to hold you close
When you closed your eyes for the last time
You died alone in agonizing pain
In the cold, dark night! All alone
Goodbye our faithful, loving friend
We will always hold you in our hearts
Until we meet again
We miss you… Your broken-hearted family
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(7 September 2002 – In memory of our dear friend, Thunder!)
 
Thank you for sharing this blog post with me.  Please subscribe, or keep a check on my website towards the end of next week if you’d like to see a follow-up on Sweetpea’s operation on Tuesday when she will be spayed, and our visit to the vet.
 
~ Panayiota

I absolutely love this father and daughter team:
The Prayer sung by Adrian & Emma-Jean Galliard
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgtvtS09W8M
 
There is obviously total trust and absolute love for them to be able to sing and BE so beautifully together. 
 
I could only dream of having such an incredible relationship with my parents. 
 
I have a close relationship with my dad, but never as close as I would have loved and which I dreamed of, for all of my life due to my mother divorcing my dad when I was only 2 years old.  I’m a lot closer today to my dad, but now he is old and stone deaf, so we can barely communicate.  He is being fitted with hearing aids soon, but will I even know how to communicate with him then… such closeness seems so foreign to me, and even a bit scary, because I never really knew it in the first place.  I hope it all works out and so that I can feel brave enough to have real conversations with him.  He’s 90 years old now.  Time and presence are so important… surely there is very little time left for us to get to know each other.  I must make the most of our remaining precious time together.   
 
I recently I said to my mentor, after she’d sent a short video of her and her family (including grandchildren) interacting so beautifully together on the lovely sunny balcony of their home, that I would have loved for her and her husband to adopt me, because I see their family as the perfect family that I’d always longed to be a part of.  She responded:
 
“You ARE adopted and part of our family.  “God places the lonely on families”!”
 
Her words are so meaningful to me and I am so grateful for them.  It reminded me of something she wrote on my Assignment when marking it many years ago. 
 
“Like with Frankl being thrust into terrible suffering, life never abandoned you but was near enough to take you through your hardships with all of its lessons, all of the skills of compassion you gained, to where you are now. And there is a beckoning, more liberating and growth-promoting journey ahead!”
 
I was reminded of how, all through my life, there was always someone or some animal there to walk with me for a time, to inspire, uplift, care about and love me.
 
My sister, my beloved Greek stepmother, my Anne and certain others of my family and Facebook friends, house helpers, neighbours, pets, horses and so many more.  I was never really alone or abandoned, no matter how lonely or abandoned I felt at any one time.  I even have family and friends in Heaven who I KNOW are with me and love me still.  I feel their presence and see the signs of their presence daily and feel so reassured and blessed by them all.

My mentor also wrote to me a while ago: 

"YOU CAN ALWAYS TRUST THE FACT THAT I WILL NEVER BE UPSET OR DISPLEASED WITH YOU - IMPOSSIBLE!  "Love covers a multitude of sins" - and go and read 1 Corinthians 13, my favorite.  Patience, forgiveness, understanding, whatever is necessary, ALWAYS lovingly accepts the beloved person when they err - don't we all??"

There have been so many “beloved’s” who turned against me when I erred, or when they met my inner-child, but never my mentor and a few other steadfast, longsuffering, faithful souls who could really SEE ME… I was never invisible to them no matter what... I learned to TRUST their friendship and love completely... something so very hard for me to do, but they showed me that I COULD.  

I have come to understand that TRUST is one of the most precious gifts one could ever give and receive... as with LOVE.

I once wrote: 

ABUSER ~ WHEN YOU TOOK AWAY MY TRUST!
© all rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za

You sexually and verbally abused me, and beat me broken
You took away every possession I had
And sent away everyone I loved
You starved me
And took away my dignity
Humiliated me
And left me crying in the cold darkness of ‘your’ hate
Yet I was still able to endure it all and more
I was still able to rise up each time and continue on

But when you took away my trust in my fellow man
I became a lost and wondering soul
In the bitter cold world you had created for me to live in…

UTTERLY ALONE

FEELING REJECTED
UNACCEPTED
JUDGED
EXPOSED
INVISIBLE
AND SO SAD

~  Panayiota Ryall
(02 February 2008)

I have so much to be grateful for today, and I am.
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~ Panayiota.

Morning update:
This morning Sweetpea is keeping very much to herself... still feeling poorly! Poor girl! But she is eating small amounts every two hours... about a teaspoon to tablespoon at a time of boiled lean mince and rice. She seems to prefer the mince and rice to the boiled chicken and rice.

I fed her during the night and took her outside for water and a toilet break.  She did a lovely big firm poop first thing this morning and a good sized piddle, so I believe she's truly on the mend now that she's home. She's lost lots of weight and is very weak still...

Oh how we love her! 

So many people have called, WhatsApp'ed, Facebook messages, emailed, donated, etc. it's all just a blur now and I seriously can't keep up with my thoughts, or my housework, or my garden and office work which have all fallen behind.

Especially yesterday with bringing Sweetpea home; it was very scary knowing the Vet took her off of her Intravenous fluids to let her come home because he felt it would help her with her possible fears, anxiety, and depression... She wasn't eating much there and maybe not at all.
​
Thankfully after a few hours home she started eating very small amounts, much to our delight and relief! She always looks very sick after she's eaten, and then she goes into seclusion to be alone which is so unlike her... but after a while, she relaxes and goes to sleep and there's been no vomiting thankfully. We're continuing to encourage her to eat and drink two hourly...

Caring, Loving people have also been praying for her from all over the world.

Thank you for your prayers and love. We are so grateful to everyone who has contributed in one way or another which has been such a blessing to us all and especially helped me to stay strong for Sweetpea, my son and our other little dog, Trixie.

Today, Sweetpea has found a darkish corner in my room to be by herself, so I put her bed there. Around midday, I went to check on her and this is what I found...

(photo above)
Andrew sitting on the carpet quietly with her, so that she knows she is loved and not alone in her suffering. How special is that photo... 🥰


Afternoon Update:
This afternoon, my daughter came especially to visit Sweetpea.  Sweetpea was still in her healing corner when my daughter came in.  Usually she's wild with excitement when my daughter visits, but she's not feeling well, so she stayed where she was, so my daughter visited her in her healing corner and they sat together by themselves for at least half an hour. They looked so sweet together, I had to take a photo... another beautiful one that I will always cherish, because all my dogs have adored my daughter, so I knew that Sweetpea would feel a whole lot happier because she visited her.

It was amazing to see how much Sweetpea perked up once my daughter had visited.  
This afternoon, Sweetpea ate a good tablespoon of her mince and rice and even took a real stroll around the yard afterwards for the first time since she arrived home from the animal hospital.  

We are still offering small amounts of food to her every two hours and she's drinking water on her own, but if she does not get up around the time we feed her, we carry her out to her water dish to make sure she's having some fluids regularly and moving around a bit.  We let her find her own way back to her bed, or wherever she wants to be and feels most comfortable.  

I am so grateful to the Vet and his staff, and everyone who has helped Sweetpea to get batter.  I'm so grateful for all the Gifts of Love that have been given and shared in one way or another. I am grateful for the people who genuinely love and care for animals... and those who seem to really understand and care for us and how we have been feeling also... and I'm grateful for my children who have always had such loving hearts towards our pets and most of all, I am so grateful to Heaven, and that we have our little Sweetpea home again and that she's alive and recovering well... I am so-so-so very grateful! 

~ Panayiota

07h30:  I received a call from the Vet... Sweetpea can come home!  
 
She's still not well and not eating enough (maybe not at all yet)... but he said she needed to be home and maybe being home she wouldn’t be so anxious or depressed and that would help her to get better more quickly.  So, we picked her up around 9am
 
Lord help her still please
 
After we arrived home:
Sweetpea is looking much happier to be home, and stronger... walking around weakly still, but even jumped on the chair and snuggle next to me. She was shivering under a towel cos they bathed her for her homecoming and she was still a little wet.
 
She's going to be alright. I will know for sure though when I see her eating.
 
We boiled chicken for her yesterday... now we have to boil more, because the Vet says no herbs and spices  Yesterday I added mixed herbs thinking that would be good for her!  Well, I guess the rest of us will enjoy that with lemon juice
 
Trixie is so happy to have her sister back. She’s being very respectful and quiet. She knows Sweetpea is not well
 
We are extremely grateful to have Sweetpea home. Thank you. will never be enough.
 
Total remaining hospital stay bill was:
R3305 I thought it would be a lot more. Although, R250 was already taken off of the full bill due to a dear friend donating straight into the vet's account.
 
I paid from all the kind donations received: R2200.
 
The remaining amount still to be paid is R1105.
 
If anyone could help us to pay off the remaining R1105, that would be wonderful.  Thank you.
 
We will continue to try to fund raise for when Sweetpea is all better.  We could need:
 
Spaying for Sweetpea: R1850
 
Chipping x 2 dogs: R375 each dog
 
Vaccinations x 2 dogs: R485 each dog
 
Sweetpea is still not eating  but the vet feels she has more chance here at this stage... she started her life out abused and who knows what she went through when she was a puppy, so it seems she was very nervous without us while at the hospital.  I’m so glad she’s home now.
 
She's still very ill and weak and has lost quite a bit of weight, but walking and drinking, but mostly sitting or lying by herself in hideaway places, like under the couch on the hard floor in the lounge.  We wondered “Why?” because it’s very unlike her.  She's usually all over us trying to get into our skin. We're giving her, her space. She's very nauseous he said, so we just have to give her time for her gut to repair itself while we do all he suggested to help her with her healing.
 
I won't be fully happy until she's eating... but for now I'm at least happy and to be honest, a little scared that she's home. It's a huge responsibility to take care of such a sick doggie. All we can do is to love her and respect her space and do what the vet told us to do and hope she will come back to us more fully and in good health soon.
 
I wasn’t happy with her lying under the couch, so pulled a couch closer to where I sit and put her bed on it… we picked her up and put her in it and she stayed there for the rest of the day.  Happy that I could reach over to her and keep my hand on her head and stroke her.  She became very relaxed and went to sleep.
 
Later
We were just blessed with a lovely rainstorm to water our garden and save me a tomorrow-job so I can spend more time with Sweetpea. So wonderful.
 
I never got to my computer at all since this morning, so my work catch-up is still waiting to be done, but I did catch up on a whole load of much needed housework and even a little garden work thankfully.
 
I made boiled white chicken and rice and boiled lean mince and rice for Sweetpea as suggested by her Vet and added a little Himalayan salt. I first offered her a piece of chicken soon after she arrived home. She turned away from it, still feeling very nauseous. Later I tried a little mince and rice and she took a tiny bit and soon after sat up looking very uncomfortable with her tongue hanging out as if she was going to vomit. But a short while later, Andrew offered her a little nugget of mince and she ate it!
 
We were delighted. Now, every two hours we've offered her the mince and rice and she's taking about a tablespoon at a time. Feels sick for a while after then lies down and sleeps. She is also drinking water.
 
I'm sure she never slept much at the vet due to anxiety, but she's sure making up for it now.
 
I will move my bed to the lounge again like I did for the first two nights of her illness before she went to the hospital, so that she's off of the bedroom carpet and near the door in her little bed next to mine if she needs to be let out, and I will also make sure she has a bowl of water near her and set my alarm to offer her food at least once or twice during the night to help build her strength up
 
Goodnight to you all.  Thank you for everything you’ve done to help Sweetpea to come home to us.  Thank you for your prayers, your good wishes, your love and also for your kind and generous donations.  We are all very, very grateful   
 
~ Panayiota
And also, on behalf of, my son Andrew, Sweetpea and Trixie