Shared with Helen’s permission
 
This friendship celebration video popped up on Facebook last Wednesday and Helen and I shared a very special moment as a result
 
Helen
We almost go back a whole lifetime 😊❤x
 
Panayiota
Yes, my dear BFF, Helen... it feels like a whole lifetime to me also that we have been friends... I lost most of my memories from before and while we were BFF's in high school...
 
YOUR precious name “Helen Henderson” was literally the only treasure I still held in my heart from that time onward. And, even though I didn't remember who you were (I remember how hard that was for you when we met up again... you had to fill in all the blanks of our beautiful nerdy-innocent-giggling friendship and past together as best friends in High School) ... I never let your name go and was so blessed that we found each other so many years later here on Facebook when I was going through intensive therapy and needed to find out who belonged to that precious name that stayed with me for so long... that seemed to be connected to something GOOD... someone LOVED... and someone who must have LOVED and BELIEVED in me.
 
I'm so grateful you filled me in on the beautiful and very strong and meaningful friendship we had during those years that my little sister and I suffered such terrible abuse, not only inflicted by our mother during our early childhood onward... (emotional and physical), but also at the cruel hands of our stepfather, which you were able to confirm for us, because of things we'd shared with you way back then. (regularly molested, raped and beaten) My sister does not remember her portion of the abuse, other than some of what our mother had done to us and that our step-father's brother... about the same age as us… maybe a year older if I remember right, had raped her in a very scary and suffocating water drain near our house.
 
It was in my 50's that YOU dearest Helen, turned the LIGHT of my life back on, by illuminating what was actually GOOD in my life during that nightmare time during our adolescence when we knew each other... YOU were that life-enhancing GOOD I had never let go of.
 
That's why I remembered your name when all else has been blocked from my memory as a result of the abuse.
 
THANK YOU FOR BEING MY BEST FRIEND BACK THEN, AND FOR REMEMBERING ME!
 
BEST FRIENDS FOREVER!!!!
 
Helen
Thank you for your beautiful posting dear Panny-pie ❤. Yes, I remember all the fun we had together and most of all the laughter! I am glad you confided in me when we are at school and I was able to remind you that you told me of the abuse by your Stepfather. You never mentioned your mother abusing you though and it's only since we reconnected on Facebook that you told me the rest. You have climbed mountains since then my dear friend and from here on the world is your Oyster. Onwards and upwards 😊😊😊❤. Friends forever. Love ya ❤🌻🌼xxx
 
Panayiota
Bless you for being one of the greatest joys and healing strengths and loves of my adult life... you will always be in my heart and I'm so glad we were able to reconnect and catch up on so much of all that was lost... and what was so preciously kept so locked up somewhere deep inside of me.  
 
NOBODY... not even my mother or stepfather could completely obliterate my lovely memory of you which I held sacred in your name... I still had your precious name, even though they succeeded in taking so much of everything else away from me and even stole your face from my memory... I will always love you my dear, lovely FOREVER friend ❤ Have a beautiful day ❤
 
Helen
Bless you my dear friend. Friends forever. Have a beautiful day ❤x

​I actually finished this blog post, before the last one about my sister’s passing.  The more I tried to write the last blog post, and the more I ached and cried over the loss of my Anne’s incredible support and her unconditional love for me, the more I also ached over the losses I’d already experienced in this world, because of people whom I think I loved too much.  People who had somehow (even inadvertently) succeeded in making me feel unloved, unwanted, unneeded and rejected in one way or another…
 
(Book: “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood) A lady at our church once did a talk on this subject to a group of women and gave us each a handout that she had compiled from the book… that little handout was lifechanging, because it showed me what one of my major struggles were.  If I can ever find that printout, I will share it on my blog.
 
So, this blog post I am writing now, is one needing to be written NOW (18th February)… it has kept worrying me so much that I had to write it first, before I could give my full attention to my sister’s one, because I could not rest while it has been weighing me down with the emotional pain it has been causing me.  I will post this one though after I’ve finished and posted my sisters… and then, as soon as I can find time again, I will finish my writing about my sister in another blog post.  When that’s done, I hope at last, I will be able to rest from all this (raincloud over my head) emotion… perhaps that will be what “closure” will mean for me.

​I understand that they probably never meant to make me feel that way… it was never their intention and that they might have already been giving me all that they had to give… but because I still struggle with living with childhood fantasies of their True Love, and how I always imagine it should look like and be, they were not able to give me what I was missing… (what was either never given to me as a child, or taken away from me during my childhood and beyond.)

I once wrote:
 
THE MISTRUST WALL
All Rights Reserved ~ (www.pattyskeys.co.za)
 
How strong can a Mistrust Wall be,
That not even my love can pull it down?
I would have thought that my love could pull it down!
My love is strong, very strong!
But just not strong enough to pull down my Mistrust Wall!
 
STRONG AND TALL, WIDE AND STRONG!
HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE WALL!
 
I put it there myself – Me!
Surely, I can knock it down!
But the pain in my heart is too great!
Too often I’ve felt let down by those I’ve loved!
TOO OFTEN HURT!
 
THE WALLS GO UP EASIER NOW!
FASTER, STRONGER!
 
Every time I see you… I hurt,
I feel the pain all over again,
And another row of protecting bricks
Is placed on top of,
MY MISTRUST WALL!
 
How can I let this happen?
And yet I can’t seem to stop it!
 
THE DAMAGE IS DONE!
The Mistrust Wall is up!
FRIENDSHIPS LOST!
 
Love will soon stop trying to knock down the wall!
Love will give up in the end,
And our connection will be lost!
FOREVER!
 
But I know it’s never too late!
I know there must be a way!
If only I can find it!
I’D KNOCK DOWN THAT DARN MISTRUST WALL!
 
I MUST FIND A WAY!
 
I still need you!
I still love you!
 
~ Panayiota
(4th January 1999)
 
From my experience, the people I built the wall between very rarely come back to it, and if they do, it's not the same anymore, because trust is already too broken on both sides.  They often don't know how to help me break the wall down, or they don't want to, because the reason for me putting up the wall in the first place proves to be true.  So, most of those awful walls stay forever... sometimes they become vaguely transparent for a while, but they rarely come down.  The loss is very painful (I experience it as a death in most cases), and the longings seem to be forever...
 
Until I once again reach finality of that “What’s the use?” place again, where I learn to let my longings go, because my pain is too much to hold on anymore... and when I do that, there's no longer a way to penetrate that wall from either side... THE END...  :'( 
 
I’m working hard at not building the walls in the first place… but they seem to happen so easily sometimes, in those places where I LOVE and I NEED most, and where I expect and long for love to be the most… and for some reason or another, can’t seem to find it there. 
 
This awful wall building, self-destructive behavioural pattern takes away even the little goodness and togetherness that could have stayed… The better than THE NOTHING part of the relationship…

​But, unfortunately, I am in the ALL-OR-NOTHING phase of my life… NOT a good place, I admit, but I’ve been hurt too many times in the past by those who should have, and those I believed should have loved me… and today, by those who I believe should still be able to love me beyond my emotional weaknesses and outbursts. 
 
It takes me a long time to reach the point of outburst… it takes a whole lot of pushing through the feelings of being unloved, judged and rejected, to the point of eventually pushing me over the edge of my enduring strength.  It takes a whole lot to get me to that place of giving up on my “fantasy” of what should have been… what I imagine LOVE should look like.
 
I HATE THAT HORRIBLE, LONELY PLACE AND THE EMPTY-ENDING AND PAINFUL-NOTHINGNESS THAT FOLLOWS IT!

Another time I wrote
 
CRASHING WAVES!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I’m back on the island of ‘Lost Hope and Lost Dreams’ again,
Where the hundred-foot walls block out all the worlds pain.
Where disappointments and sorrows can’t reach my heart,
Where I find refuge from anguish, by staying apart.
Only, inside these walls where darkness prevails,
My sorrows haunt me, and disappointment ails.
For its empty inside and it’s cold to the bone,
Because no one can enter, and I stand all alone.
The waves on the outside crash relentlessly,
On the walls that were built to keep sadness from me,
Yet the tears on the inside constantly flow down,
And I live in the fear, that still, I might drown.
And no one will know or care when I’m dead,
And the emptiness tears at my heart filled with dread.
For I have so much love still to give to this earth,
Where I’ve known so little since the day of my birth.
 
But no matter how far this island at sea,
Or how tall and strong the walls around me,
My Father has always found a way in,
For He Knows where I’m hiding, and He Cares where I’ve been.
He’s Heard all the cries of my soul to the sea,
And when all else reject, He Stands Steadfast by me.
For His Love is Eternal, and His Friendship is True,
He helps the walls crumble when Hope’s Ship comes to view.
He Knows I will sail on it again and again,
Trusting it will take me to the ‘Land of Love and No Pain’.
 
But somehow the storms know just where to go,
And I’m shipwrecked quite often near this island I know.
I’ve been here so often, I’m used to it now,
And still the waves crash on the walls that surround,
And I’ve come to expect their tormenting sound,
Of judgment and persecution, where peace can’t be found.
 
~ Panayiota
(25 March 2003)
 
This popped up on Facebook the other day

​I looked up INFJ on the internet today and kind of identified with what I found there, although I have not studied up on this whole personality concept yet and not sure I will find time to in the near future…  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/INFJ
 
A quick insert from the article
 
I – Introversion preferred to extraversion: INFJs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extraverts gain energy). [5]
N – intuition preferred to sensing: INFJs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus on the big picture rather than the details, and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities. [6]
F – Feeling preferred to thinking: INFJs tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic. [7]
J – Judgment preferred to perception: INFJs tend to plan their activities and make decisions early. They derive a sense of control through predictability. [8]

​My second son honoured me greatly during a phone call conversation the other day, when he said to me, that he was so grateful that I'd taught him and his siblings to say, "I love you", because he's also noticed how few people are able to say those words to one another these days.  

My son told me about how he is still able to text those words to friends from his past, and recently to one of his closest friends from his childhood who spent a lot of time with us growing up.  He loved that Justin is also able to close off his messages with "I love you brother".  

I never really knew such love as a child, but somewhere along the way, I learned to love... to love very deeply... even too deeply... so for me, saying "I love you", is as natural as breathing.  LOVE is very much a part of who I am.

When I write or say, "I love you", I really mean it from my heart... I feel it... it is real to me.  The only times when I don't write it, is when I feel I might have hurt the person I'm writing to, and I feel unworthy to even use those words that are so sacred to me... unworthy of "their" love... so how dare I insult them with my love... if that makes any sense at all...  

Thank you for sharing with me today
 
~ Panayiota

​Patricia Anne Theresa Shaw… nee Ryall
 
A letter to my Anne
My Beloved Sister Anne.  When we met, we very quickly became best of friends.  We both went by the name of Pat at the time, and you confided in me, that you always preferred your middle name, Anne, and I confided in you that at the time, I really hated being called Pat. 
 
(Pat was never meant to be my name!  But I have finally accepted being called Pat in my 60’s… I’ve given up fighting it… it just doesn’t matter anymore.  The people who still called me Pat, even my dear old daddy, matter for more to me than the name.  Anyway, I have recently learned to really accept and love my inner adolescent sub-personality, Patricia, and to honour her place in me and with me at last).
 
My sister, you told me how much you loved the film, Anne of Green Gables, and how much you loved the very close friendship of Anne and Diana in the film, and so, from then on, I referred to you fondly as my Anne, and you called me Diana.  I kind of got used to being your Diana, and having you as my beloved Anne.
 
We had very little face-to-face contact over the years, because you had moved to the other side of the world shortly after I married your brother.  (You always knew him as Alan, and to us and practically everyone else who knew him on this side of the world, he was Wally.)  Because you lived so far away, most of our beautiful friendship over the years was lived and experienced through letter writing, phone calls and Facebook. 
 
My sister, I have so much to be grateful for, because of you.  You totally supported everything I chose to do that was geared towards healing myself and others, and most especially, adult survivors of child abuse.  You supported and encouraged my psychological, spiritual and educational growth, and you were excited to hear all about the things that I was studying and learning.  You were truly interested in all that I did.  As a child, I never had anything like what you gave to me in my adulthood.  You rejoiced in my serving others as a counsellor, basic computer trainer, secretarial administrator and so on.  Your incredible support spurred me onward and upward to continually reaching for the stars. 
 
You were always so patient with me, even in my weaknesses, my angry moments, my outbursts and my tears.  It seemed that there was nothing I could do that would ever make you give up on me… you were always… ALWAYS there no matter what.  One of the most reliable, longsuffering, faithful, truly loving friends I have ever known.
 
It did not take long for us to completely drop the idea of being “in-laws” … you had always wanted a sister, and over the years, we became true sisters in ever sense of the word… maybe not biological, but most definitely spiritual… soul sisters of the purest and most beautiful kind.
 
I often wondered why Heavenly Father kept me so far apart from you and all the people I loved most in the world… a cruel separation I often felt… even from the dear ones who live nearby today (so close, yet so far)… feeling so alone… unfathomable distances, unreachable hearts… created by miles, or by judgement, or lack of understanding and true love.
 
But you my sister… no matter how far away you were at any one time, you were one of the closest to my heart.  The reason for this, was because you always believed in me and I KNEW IT.  Your love for me, I believed with every fiber of my being, that it was TRUE.  You never gave me any reason to doubt your love… I trusted your love… I trusted YOU completely.  Do you have any idea what a gift that was for me… to be able to trust that completely.
 
Having you in my world was my saving grace… in fact, you literally saved my life time and time again as a result of your never-ending love.  

​Yes, my sister… but you also believed in the PERFECT me, even though I couldn’t see that part of me for myself.  You were practically the only one in the world, who could see through all the tears and brokenness of my spirit.  You focused on the RIGHT me, helping me to build on that part of myself, and you helped me to make sense of all my confusion and turmoil.  It was because of you, that I started this journey of putting all the puzzle pieces of my life back together and in order, so that I could find the drive and courage needed, to find my healing.
 
“Something meaningful draws us out of ourselves – it enlarges our vision, enriches us and causes us to grow: to become bigger and better than we are.  Frankl quoted Goethe as saying: “If we take a man as he is, we make him worse; if we take him as he ought to be, we help him become it” (Shantall, 2002, p. 19) ~ Life’s Meaning in the Face of Suffering

​I will always love you, my sister… my Anne

♥
 
Dear Alec (Anne’s husband) was also very much part of my survival strengths over the horrible years that I was married to Wally (Alan).  I often leaned heavily on Alec for his advice and guidance.  He was so wise and helpful in so many ways.  Alec passed away a good few years ago, and my Anne often expressed her great longing to be with him again.  She loved and missed him so much.
 
Wally was Anne’s older brother (as I mentioned before, she knew him as Alan… the order of his forenames on his birth certificate though was, William Alan).  Anne and Wally, both grew up in a state of poverty and extreme neglect, and Anne experienced cruel emotional abuse and lack of loving acceptance from her parents, but especially through her mother’s treatment of her, or lack thereof.  But for Wally on the other hand, their mother, over-doted on him after her other infant son had died shortly after birth... (Anne has written something on this, which I hope to share on this blog some time, with permission from her family).   
 
From what Anne had shared with me in previous personal, written conversations, both her and Wally had been sexually abused by certain ship steward/s on a voyage during their childhood.  What stood out for me and what I’d very much love to share in another post, is how differently both turned out to be as they grew from child to adult.  My Anne made choices that were positive, healing and pure, whilst her brother grew up making choices that were cruel and insulting and inflicted much pain on others, most especially my children and I during my time married to him.  I often commented that living with him was like living with the devil himself.  I did not follow my intuition before I married him because everything inside of me begged to be a stay-at-home mother, to be with my first two children from a former marriage… a marriage that I’d left as a result of the physical and disgusting, and hurtfully degrading sexual abuse inflicted on me by my first husband during his drunken states, and who enjoyed many extra-marital relationships.
 
On the first night I married my second husband, Wally, I already KNEW that something was very wrong… all the DANGER bells went off inside of me and I was left horribly confused, depressed and troubled.  Two weeks later I was already seeking help with my church, but they made it obvious right from the start, that they believed I was the problem and exaggerating things.  They were not there for me at all.  For years, I searched and searched for help, but very rarely did anyone believed us except one of the psychologists who my children and I visited.  Nobody could help us, because they could prove nothing… they wanted to see blood and guts first!  Wally was a cruel emotional abuser and most definitely a narcissist who hated women.  He was also a child molester and gay, which was eventually proven, but that’s another story which I will keep for my book.  He was so very clever in fooling everyone we knew… even my own family and my church community.  I was the one crying all the time… I was so weak in my aloneness and sufferings.  From three weeks after I married him, I often found myself sitting on the bathroom floor with the door shut, just crying and crying… more alone and frightened than I’d ever remembered feeling in my life.  (Had I married the very similitude of my stepfather in both this marriage and the first?)

​I struggled mightily to find help to protect my children from my own broken state, and desperately, to protect them from him… but nothing I could do with what I had at the time, would ever prove enough.  I did not have transport or money… I walked miles in my search for a listening ear and a reaching hand that would help us… but all in vein. 
 
In the end, I believed that I totally failed my children, because I could not save us from that man… and I nearly drowned in the overwhelming guilt that consumed me for many years to come.
 
Even though there were many times, I just wanted to take my life, I held on and kept trying to do everything in my power to survive that living hell, because I knew I had to, for the sake of my children.
 
Failure, or no failure, I did not and would not give up on them!  If I could not take them with me in death (which I knew I couldn’t), then I had to live on, to protect them.

WILL NOT DROWN!
All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
SUFFOCATING!  No air to breathe!
Drowning just beneath the waves!
I can see LOVES rays penetrating the surface
Where I cannot reach,
No matter how hard I try!
For every time I struggle closer,
The waves beat more and more!
And sometimes I almost give up,
Thinking, what is this struggling for!
Beneath me the sea is dark and deep,
Above love tries to shine through,
And the more the waves try to push me down,
The more I remember you.
 
My children sailing up above,
On seas that are rough and wild,
And I know that’s where this mother should be,
Calming the waves for her child.
So, the darkness that tugs me to the dreadful deep,
Must never win its fight!
For I’ll struggle on, and never give up,
If I’m to reach that saving light!
For in that moment where I touch the surface again,
I know that the waves will cease,
And I can board that lovely ship once more,
With my children, where there is peace.
So, I will not give up when the storms beat strong,
And I’m tossed again into the sea
For my children still need me
And I must return,
To where this mother should be!
 
“Be strong!” I call… “Be patient for me,
For my seas are quite stormy, it’s true!
But I will not drown while you need me still,
Because I’ll never stop loving you!”
 
~ Panayiota
 
(28 October 2004 - Struggling with deep emotions… SLIPPING AWAY… Worrying about my youngest son starting work at Wits… so far away from home and my protection.  No understanding or support… no love to help me through when I need it most… Hurt by the insensitive and insulting judgments of others… VERY MUCH ALONE AGAIN!)
 
My Anne (and a rare few others), was practically the only person who ever believed me and stood by me through thick and think over all our struggling years.  My children, and my Anne’s never-failing affirmation of their and my truths proved to be the very life-force I needed to survive the nightmare of those bitter years.
 
Most other people very quickly tired of my crying and downcast state, or were put off by my sitting away from the crowds (my struggling with getting ‘too close’.)  They did not understand, and so, they turned their backs.  But my long-suffering sister never turned her back on me… she always loved me, warts and all!

♥
 
SAD NEWS
On January 23rd this year, I received a Facebook message from my niece, Brie, whom, with the loving support and help of my nephew Rich, had taken care of my sister, throughout all of her struggling health issues, for many years already.  They were her friend in a time of her great need… they were there for her and they loved her.
 
Brie’s message read
“Hey Panny, Pat had a couple mini strokes today...she is stable and fine, didn't affect her motor skills and she is talking. Not always making sense but they said where she stroked, that should come back just fine. I will keep you updated all throughout the hospital stay and let you know what’s going on.”
 
I was terribly shocked by this news, but my Anne’s life had been threatened by serious illness many times before and she’d always pulled through okay… why not this time also… but I could not help but to admit to myself… “What if…?” and the very thought scared me so much that I could not rest anymore.
 
Brie and I exchanged messages of love and hope and gratitude over this time… me, being so grateful to Brie and Rich and other close members of her family, for being there for my sister during this scare, and for all the years, that in some very comforting way to me, they had stood in for all that I was unable to do, because I was too far away.  I repeatedly asked Brie to tell my sister that I love her and to hug her for me… comforted that she would do that, yet at the same time… longing-longing-longing to be by my sister’s side also during this life and death struggle that she was now facing.
 
Brie wrote again later that day 
“Pat is fine, only her speech is affected, and she will do speech therapy. In good spirits sleep well Panny she also says good night”

This message gave me so much hope, but I was still worrying for my sister, and even Brie and family, because I imagined how hard this time must have been for them.  With four children at home and two of them, small children… my Anne now in hospital… how were they juggling it all so that they could be there for their children and my Anne also… I found all my emotions centering on them and their love for my sister… overwhelming gratitude… knowing that they would do everything in their power to be with her.
 
Being on the opposite side of the world, they were 9 hours behind us here in South Africa, so trying to coordinate our conversations was quite hard also.
 
I sent a plea to my Facebook friends
“May I ask my praying friends to please pray for my dear sister, Anne... she has had a series of mini strokes. How I wish I lived close to her and Brie and Rich and the family who love her and have been taking such good care of her        I am so grateful for them all.  Although I'm in tears, I at least have the comfort of knowing that they are there for her when I can't be... I can only be there for her in prayer and ask that you please join me also in prayer for my darling sister    Thank you so much 
 
An update from Brie later in the day
“Pat is doing well right now... They are transferring her to a bigger hospital, and I’ll update you when we know more.”
 
I was so grateful for the updates from Brie that kept me as close as I could possibly be to my beloved sister 
 
I must say though, that by the morning of the 25th January, I was feeling rather desperate to know more about how my sister and family was doing…
 
I wrote to Brie
“I know you must be crazy busy with your family there and all the children and work and visiting my sister and all, so I'm not going to bug you at all... I know she is in good hands and surrounded by your love also... so, I just wanted to ask you if you are bearing up and tell you I'm thinking of you especially at this time and Rich and the children and praying hard for you too and all who genuinely care about her and love her like we do... and also praying hard for my dear sister.  I know she won't live forever and there will come a time, but while I can still tell her I love her and send my hugs, then that's what I will do… I'd be so grateful if you'd pass on my love and hugs every time you get to see her... Love and hugs to you too dear Brie and family... 😍”
 
Later in the day, this picture popped up on Facebook and I felt to share it with my friends… it was very meaningful to me at that time…

​26th January, my niece wrote again… I shared the updates from Brie with my friends on Facebook, because I knew that over the years, many of my FB friends had learned to love my Anne also, and had friended her on FB and kept regular contact with her.

"Pat is still in hospital. It has been determined that she had a total of 3 strokes but is recovering well for what she has been through. I haven't got all the information which I should get today regarding how long she is going to be there. It seems that they want to get her blood levels at a therapeutic level. She will probably need some speech therapy but minor. Still asking for prayers for a speedy recovery for the Warrior that she is. I also want to apologize to anyone that is messaging me privately... I have decided to just post updates because I hardly have any time between hospital visits and family at home."
 
27th January, I sent a message to my sister via Brie’s FB message inbox
“My beloved sister, I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this health struggle at this time.  Oh, what I'd give to be there with you my sister... just to be holding you in my arms so that I could tell you how much I love you.  I know for sure, I'd be singing to you also from the hymn book, some of my favourite songs.  I'm sad that your speech has been affected but know that will come back pretty quickly once you are on the road to recovery again.  I know that our Father in Heaven has a plan in all of this and I don't have any answers right now, but I do hope you get better soon, and if by any chance, our Father is calling you home at this time, then I want you to know that I will meet you under our tree someday when it is my turn to go there also.  But my sister... I do hope you will recover soon, and your speech will come back quickly.  I love you so much and I will always Love Brie and Rich and John and all who have been there for you over the years... just as you have always been there for me.  I love you with all my heart forever and ever... Your Diana ❤
 
👍 Brie indicated with a thumbs up that she had seen my message, and I was comforted, that she would have read it to my sister for me.
 
Later in the day, Brie updated us on my sister’s condition
"Pat has blood clots in her left leg and arm and lung and has had 3 mini strokes. She has lost her speech a bit and is having a hard time with words, but I'm told its most likely temporary. She’s a fighter and we would love continued prayers. Today I'm feeling like I been hit by a truck with the up and down roller coaster ride we have been on since Tuesday. One min she is fine the next it could be touch and go. I honestly just want her home and to go back to normal. It’s a work in progress but we will get there."

I shared Brie’s message with my FB friends and then commented
Please continue to keep Brie and family and my beloved sister in your prayers... my heart is so owie for them all right now, only because I can't be there to help them and be with them... what I'd give to be holding my sister in my arms right now... I would sing to her and just tell her how much I love and appreciate all she has been to me for so many years now... and I would love to be there for Brie and family also... I love them as well, with all my heart for all they have done over the years for my sister and for all the genuine love they have given her.
 
Something else was bothering me a lot on this day, because it was once again, for me, a time of great need for comforting.  So very often over the years, my Facebook friends and family have been my most important outreach for my emotional struggles.  Just knowing I’m not alone can sometimes very quickly bring the warm sunshine back into any dark situation for me. 
 
I wrote
Recently it was mentioned that Facebook is evil and of the devil and that the love spoken of here is all lies and fabricated, etc... I'm so sorry that I cannot agree with that at all. At times like this, when my sister is so ill and fighting for her life and I can't be with her and my heart is aching... when I'm feel so helpless and so sad and alone... I know that I can share my heart with people out there... in my Facebook world... whose love and care for me I am truly convinced of is real and true.  Many of you I have never met, yet, you have stood by me for so many years, even though I have not been able to check in on your pages at all, or as regularly as you have checked up on me on mine... even though you know that this is how it is for me, you have still not given up on me.  I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt, that Facebook and all of you who have stood by me over the years, has been a Gift to me from Heaven... A GIFT... NOT A CURSE!  Thank you so much for those who have been here for me... thank you for being my strength and my daily dose of TRUE LOVE and care.  There are many of you whose love I do not doubt... I believe in YOUR LOVE... I feel your love daily... and thank you for it with all my heart.  No need to respond... I'm having a bawling moment when I'm just needing to be here to share this, because I know YOU are here, even when in silence... you always have been here for so many years now... You know who you are ...  just like my sister who never gave up on me no matter what.  I know that even if it was her time to go... she'd still find a way to be with me... no separation between earth and Heaven could keep us apart, because our love is so strong and so true.  I am so grateful for Facebook, because when all else fails... I still have you all.  The love I feel for my Facebook friends is real... if it is not, then I have practically nowhere else to turn at times like this.
 
28th January, I wrote to Brie
“I love you Brie ❤ Right now, this is for you, and I love Rich and your little ones too.  I know how much my sister loves her grandchildren and thrives on their love in return.  I bet she is longing to be home with you all” ❤
 
Brie responded
“Hi Pan, Patty has taken a turn for the worst.  They can’t find out what is going on. We had her receive a blessing and she is in fact being called home😭.  She is now on comfort care as she is in a lot of pain.  We are sitting by her side until she passes.  I'm so sorry to be writing this email... I will let you know when she passes but it’s a matter of hours to days at this point.  I'm so sorry.  I will tell her to meet you at your tree.
Love you so much I can't imagine how hard this is so far away.” ❤❤❤
 
(Brie’s comment about the tree meant so much to me… if only she knew how much that touched my heart.  My Anne and I always spoke about the beautiful Heavenly tree we’d meet under someday when we both got to Heaven.  We were always so far apart and longing to be together, that we made up and visualised this story that I now believe will be given to us someday in Heaven… to come true, because of our great and pure love for each other here in this world.  We dreamed a dream of our beautiful tree waiting for us in Heaven, with soft green grass underneath it.  We would lie together on the grass staring up through the leaves of the tree at the beautiful Celestial sky above, and there, we’d catch up on all the life stories that we missed together… the choices we’d made, and how things had turned out, etc… I’m sure we’d have so much to talk about and we both looked forward to that time).
 
I wrote back… feeling to comfort Brie and her family who were going through this without me there with them
“My dearest Brie... please don't for one minute be sorry to be sharing such sad news with me... as I sit here imagining you sitting there next to my beloved sister's side, my heart is so comforted and warmed, because you are doing that on my behalf... you are there with her... she is not alone.  And if she chooses to let go, when you are out of the room, that will also be her decision to spare you... but I hope she will let you be there to share in her crossing over.  You are now sitting in the company of angels... so many ancestors… will be there to meet her... she will be surrounded by so much love, including yours, and for that I am truly so grateful.  Who is there with you... is Rich there... I hope he is.  It is so healing and so fitting that you are there to say your last goodbyes together... this will be healing for you all... and for me, just to know you're there.  Alec must be there to meet her too.  I have sat with many people who have been passing away and consider it one of the most spiritual experiences to share in, just like a birth of a new baby.  Thank you for sharing Brie... thank you for being there with my sister and thank you for all of your love... and to Rich too and anyone else who is there who has loved her as much as you two have.  You don't need to respond... rather take this time with dearest Anne... and tell her I'm okay because I know she will still be with us all... she will find a way to show us.  I love her with all my heart forever” ❤ ❤ ❤
 
Brie
😢 “Thanks Pan. She loves you soon much too as do I. I’ll be writing you soon.”
 
I responded
“Right now, I am completely overwhelmed with the LOVE I am feeling for you and Rich and my beloved sister and all who ever really loved her ❤ Just tell her I love her again please and I KNOW she loves me too... thank you with all my heart” ❤
 
Later I wrote
“I know I'm asking a lot, but please kiss her on her cheek for me and tell her I love her again... okay... I'll leave you alone now and wait for any updates... BIG HUGS darling Brie and Rich and family” ❤ ❤ ❤
 
Brie
“I will for sure. I read your post to her. So she now knows.”

Panayiota
“For that I am eternally grateful to you ❤ If I could hug you now, I'd squish you too tight, I'm sure... I just love you so much” ❤ ❤ ❤
 
I posted Brie’s message for my FB friends to share in and added how I was feeling
"Hi Pan, Patty has taken a turn for the worst. They can’t find out what is going on. We had her receive a blessing and she is in fact being called home😭. She is now on comfort care as she is in a lot of pain. We are sitting by her side until she passes. I'm so sorry to be writing this email... I will let you know when she passes but it’s a matter of hours to days at this point. I'm so sorry. I will tell her to meet you at your tree"
 
Crying my heart out, but at the same time, I'm so grateful to know that she is surrounded by loved ones on both sides of the Veil... she is not alone on this part of her journey. She knows how much I love her... I wish I was holding her in my arms right now and singing to her some of my favourite hymns... but when she has crossed over, then I will sing, and I know she will hear and be with me then... I love her with all my heart.  She has believed in me for as long as I've known her and has never turned her back on me, no matter what... She has been such a blessing and I know that she will continue to be from the other side... I have friends in Heaven... and soon she will be there too and someday we will meet under the beautiful tree we always spoke about that is waiting for us in Heaven... Oh how I love my sister.  Thank you to all my dear FB friends and family for your prayers over the last few days... I'm so grateful to have you all in my life and I am so grateful for Facebook and what a blessing it has been, because of all my truly loving connections here.
 
I felt so grateful to all my FB friends for their loving and comforting responses to all my recent posts, but especially this one… I needed them and they were there to embrace me warmly with their words of love.  I especially loved the affirmation-responses of two of my Jewish friends…
 
Haya wrote
“So sorry, Pan. Your dear sister can feel your presence from afar even now.  You can sing to her from wherever you are.  Gentle hugs to you.” ❤
 
Batya wrote
“Her spirit can hear you singing to her even now.  The preciousness of your love cannot be expressed in words.”
 
Inspired by my Facebook friends, I sent a voice recording to Brie.  I sang “May The Good Lord Bless and Keep You”… I never did find out if Brie was able to open it on Facebook and play it to my sister, but I knew that my sister would know.  I had wanted more than anything in the world to sing this song at my beloved Greek mom’s funeral in 2004, but I chickened out last minute, because I was too shy.  Then I wanted so much to sing it at my dear old friend, “Norma Bester’s” funeral, but chickened out once again, so I sang it on a voice recording this time and sent it to Brie to play to my sister with the following note:
 
“Good morning on your side, my dearest Brie, I don't know if that voice recording will work, but I sang a song for my sister... if it works and only if it does look like she's going, then you can play it to her if you feel it's okay.  You are in charge of her, so I trust you will do only what you feel is right for her and what would make her most comfortable and safe in her parting... I trust your love for her also and that is very comforting to me.  Thank you with all my heart... you are so beautiful to me” ❤ I hope you were all able to get some sleep through the night... God be with you and my sister ❤ I love you and Rich and all ❤
 
Late pm I wrote to Brie, before I went to sleep on my side of the world
Is there any updates yet dear Brie... I'm off to sleep now, so just checking quick.  I love you my beautiful niece and Rich and family... Love and hugs to you all and my beloved sister ❤ Be blessed with all the strength and courage you need to get through the day ahead... HUGS ❤
 
I woke in the morning to the following message from Brie, keeping in mind that her time in Utah was 9 hours before ours in South Africa, so for her she was sending the message late pm on the 28th of January, and I was receiving it early morning on the 29th January
 
“It’s with great sadness that Pat passed away peacefully at 10:30 this morning.”
 
(To be continued)
 
~ Panayiota

My garden has really served us well last year and is still going strong.  For months I never needed to buy a lettuce, and only during the student workshop time and Christmas last year, did I become too busy to plant seeds and new seedlings, so I slipped up on the rotation and there is now a gap, but I'm getting back on top of that and planted vegetable seeds a few days ago.  (Parsley, red onions, radishes, lettuce, borage and coriander) 

There's quite a few photos to share, so I will keep the writing to a minimum.  I hope that they are not photos I shared before.  I don't think so though.

Thank you for sharing my garden with me in this post.

​~ Panayiota

​On 13th January, I did attend daddy’s 88th birthday party.  It took a lot of courage for me to go there against the sides of myself that wanted rather to run for the forest to hide, but I just knew I needed to be there because there was no way to explain to my dad why I couldn’t, and I didn’t want to hurt him.
 
My far away sister had so gently sent her strengthening encouragement to me in an email sent two days before our dad’s birthday.  She so wished to be at his party, but she couldn’t, so I realised, that I could be there for both of us. 
 
Her loving words that made all the difference were:
 
“Sometimes we need to do things afraid.” and “Whatever you choose, I am with you.”
 
Her total acceptance of me (even in my weaknesses), in those words, is what I call unconditional love and that’s where I have always drawn my courage and strength from… from a sense of being genuinely LOVED.
 
My close-by sister had not contacted me since the day I expressed my upset over not feeling loved by my Greek family, so I felt very uneasy about visiting there… for me, a bit like walking into a DANGER zone.  But on the morning before my dad’s birthday, she sent a WhatsApp: 
 
“Are you coming tomorrow?  Please come.”
 
I was very honest in my response: 
 
“Thank you (heart) It will take huge courage to come… I feel sick thinking about it… but I know I will feel at home again when I get there so I’m going to take a chance on that.”
 
And she responded happily, adding:
 
“You are always welcome here and this will always be a home to you.”
 
In that moment in time, I really believed her and that made all the difference to leaving my home to attend the party the next day.
 
(I can’t even remember how I got there… racking my mind to remember… GONE!  I just know I never used my own car… shew!)
 
Anyway, what was very special to me on the 13th, was that I had to take my youngest son to work early.  Usually he goes and opens the gate as we are leaving around 6am, but I went out much earlier and as I reached the gates, hundreds of birds just suddenly appeared from all directions chirping their little heads off as they were joyfully beginning their day’s journeys and greeted the morning.  It was the most unusual sight… they were just flying in every direction in groups, with one or two doves cooing whilst sitting on the cables on the other side of the street facing me.  I honestly felt as though I had been greeted by all these birds… as if they were inviting me to rejoice in the day with them.  And by now, if you have read some of my other blog posts, you know that I try to see positive symbolism in all things like this… as if Life is bringing messages of reassurance, meaning and love to me.  I welcome such messages and take them as if they were hugs from Life given especially to me… they are like my regular dose of LOVE from the Universe.
 
And it didn’t end there.  After dropping  my son off at work, I started work on making something for the lunch which was going to be around 1pm at my Greek sisters, so I had plenty time to cook some spinach squares to take with and some of my own style of Moussaka also, according to what I can eat on my eating lifestyle plan that works so well to control my diabetes and gout without medication.  Practically all the herbs and vegetables in both dishes were taken fresh from my little vegetable patch which I find so rewarding.  
 
At the same time as all the cooking and cleaning, I also did a load of clothes washing.  It was close to time for me to leave when I hung the washing on the line.  As I was going outside with the basket full of clothes, a beautiful big butterfly, (black with irregular yellow spots), flew very close, right past me a few times… (I looked it up a few days later, to try and identify it and found that it is called the common swallow tail butterfly, also known as the lime or lemon butterfly, because that’s where it likes to lay its eggs.)  Now for me, whenever I’ve been afraid or worried about something, one of these butterflies appear.  I never seen them any other time, so it is immediately a reassuring comfort for me to see one so close to me.  As I hung the washing, the butterfly disappeared behind it, but reappeared underneath the washing and sat for a moment on the mint leaves, less than a foot away from me, facing me before flying off again and disappearing.  I found myself speaking to it… “Who are you… I wish I knew… thank you for visiting today… I love you.”  (overcome by the sense of comforting-reassurance that it had brought to me)
 
So, feeling so much braver and happier, I was able to comfortably visit with my family to celebrate my dad’s 88th birthday party, and I’m so grateful I did.  I had a lovely day and my near-by sister spent a lot of time with me and I with her.  I felt her love on the day and as a result, I felt I was not alone there.  I have not heard from her since, but it’s okay.  Work has stepped up for all of us and children back to school… so life continues to separate…
 
I do believe though, that dynamics would have inevitably changed forever after all of this.  Some damage to trust on both sides must have occurred and that’s a negative that I hope with time will heal itself.

Something so strange and awakening happened to me yesterday.  As I have written previously, I  had subconsciously blocked out the existence of my dad on the day I witnessed his last day at work. Something happened in my mind that day, that was too painful for me to bear, and so I had to find a safe place for it to go, and blocked a part of reality from that moment on… pushing my Greek family as far away as I possibly could in the process so as not to feel any part of that unbearable pain anymore…
 
I gradually numbed out on a certain level of my personality… I do believe on the ‘Patty’ level, as a result of not feeling wanted when I was born, (and a possible subconscious memory of mother’s abortion attempt to rid herself of me… this was discussed in therapy).  Patty therefore experienced some levels of abuse between pre-birth to around 5 years of age.  I identify with her as stuck at the age of four to five-year-old… extremely sad to the point of needing to die to be free of tormented emotions too deep to bear… deep longings for her mother’s love… a very hurt and rejected, neglected and frightened little girl.
 
The reason I think that I was triggered to somewhere on the ‘Patty’ level, was that the day before yesterday, while I was transporting my son and co. worker to work, I was in a very sentimental and spiritual creative place.  I was noticing all the beauty around me and even commented that the streak of clouds in the sky looked just like God had taken a paintbrush and wiped it across the sky… I as fascinated by it.  There was such a sense of fascination and gratitude for such a sight, that I actually wanted to cry.  Patty is my creative inner-child… she feels deeply and needs time to express her creativity… she should not be trapped by adult concerns and worries… she needs the freedom of space and creativity.  I must find a way to help her with that instead of saying locked up behind my computer all the time.  I sensed her deep needs the day before yesterday.  My mom used to be a traveling sales woman and often took us with her.  I think that Patty enjoyed the freedom of those long trips in the car, absorbing and observing the wide-open spaces and beautiful blue sky, etc. along the way as opposed to being trapped in a house where she always had to be very careful not to upset mommy.  To this day, I still LOVE traveling out of town where there’s a sense of freedom, release and fresh air.  (Patricia has a need to stay safe… locked-up safe… and to keep the rest of me safe with her, so it was not her that felt so deeply touched and inspired by on the trip the morning before yesterday… it was Patty who was now surfacing and more than likely as a result of the recent disturbances).
 
I didn’t cry much at all since my shut-down recently… I was in my safe place on the deeply protective level of ‘Patricia’, that not even I can really explain adequately but will keep trying to find my answers, for the sake of my healing and for the sake of others who have such weird and whacky pain-filled experiences like mine.  I mentioned recently, that Patty was always quiet and comfortable, tucked away deep inside of me when Patricia was on the surface, because Patricia was her protector.  But now, Patricia was losing control over a situation/situations that had become totally overwhelming her.
 
Having safely succeeded in blocking out my dad’s existence in my world which lifted all pressure, expectations and responsibilities to preform as his adult daughter off me, I began to feel very threatened as the date of his birthday this weekend was coming up, because my youngest son and overseas sister brought the subject up… (It has crossed my mind that I greatly fear the expectations placed on me to be his ‘adult daughter’, when I have only ever been… in my mind… his little girl… still needing him to be my daddy and rescuer).
 
It’s the strangest thing to try and explain what happens when a blocking has already happened, and someone comes along and tries to unblock it without understanding how difficult and threatening it can be for me… It’s a bit like living in the twilight zone… or like being a lost traveler in some very foggy place, coming across faint signposts that are pointing the way… you either choose to turn away from the signs out of extreme fear of where they will lead you to… fear of not being able to cope with your own deep emotions… or you turn towards the signs still fearfully but, you want to find your way out, only to find that the fog is still too thick and you’re still lost… you want to cry out for help, but you can’t think of anyone who would possibly understand… who could find you there and help to lift the fog.
 
So, yesterday, being only three days before my dad’s birthday, I found myself even more lost than ever… like I wasn’t searching for a way out anymore, or even running, because the place I was in had become so treacherous that I was too afraid to move… I felt completely paralysed, even though I was still messing around on Facebook in my attempt to stay connected to something or someone… and I was still able to write a blog post, but otherwise the day was pretty weird… it seemed to pass very quickly, as if there were gaps in my memory… time had secretly passed by while I was unconscious, yet conscious… how else can I explain it all.
 
Late in the day, I realised that all my curtains were still closed, and it was kind of dark inside.  I felt safer with the curtains closed.  Like… my house wasn’t feeling safe anymore… what if someone came to try and unblock what I had blocked… I was really scared and had a real sense of being in danger…
 
Next thing, my cellphone started to ring (family), and someone was hooting outside my yard… the very thing I was fearing for days was happening!  Immediately I started to feel panicked… suffocated… very tight chest… pounding heart… instant headache… EXTREME FEAR RACTION!  I became more hypervigilant than usual… felt as though I needed to hide, or to find an escape… I knew there was none.  Like a thief in my own home, I literally crept to the front door to make sure it was locked… petrified that the neighbours would let my family in.  What did they want?  They had no idea that in my mind, they had already left it too late to now, just arrive without any warning.  What did they expect me to do with that… I was already too lost in that foggy place.  I wished I had a way to secure my entire house in some kind of thick metal box to make it impenetrable (a coffin-effect)… the sense of EXTREME DANGER was overwhelming!
 
I gather it was my sister and nephew outside… did they have my father with them… how could they know what was happening in me and why that was frightening me so much…
 
I had not looked at our family WhatsApp group messages since my father’s birthday was mentioned on the 4th January where it suddenly became yet another danger zone for me.  Yesterday my sister sent me two WhatsApp messages when she was at the gate… I have still not been able to look at them, but I’m sure I will soon… when I can. 
 
Being so fearful of my house and emotions being invaded and feeling as though I was in danger, I started to think that  maybe, they will begin to worry about me because I was not responding, and send the police… that scared me even more… so I sent my sister a WhatsApp message to explain that I could not take messages or visitors, but I was okay.
 
Bizarre reaction analyzed
I was pretty much shut down for a time after that… the panic symptoms, tight chest and headache did decrease over the next few hours, but they did not go away until much later  What helped was that I had to go pick up my son and his co-workers from their work, so the sense of responsibility towards that task kept me from sinking too deeply. 
 
But for the rest of the day, I kept thinking deeply about my bizarre reaction to my sister and nephew’s attempt to visit and their calls… I could not believe how frightened my emotional reaction was.  It made no sense to me… I LOVE my little sister and nephew, even though I had been going through a state of mistrusting the love of my Greek family since my brother sold his shop without sharing that with me at all… it was the shock of that and a few other times in my past where I’d felt rejection by my family, which had caused all these weeks of separation-turmoil in my heart and mind, and in our family. 
 
Logic told me, that they were most definitely NOT there to harm me… that was not their intention, but I had no way of telling them that I knew that, when I was struggling so much with the fear-filled flashback reaction I was experiencing.
 
I desperately wanted to write to my online therapist… but thought… this is too big even for her… who could understand at all.  I thought about the lady whose website post I’d shared on my blog post on the 9th January… Lilly Hope Lucarioshe would definitely understand and be able to advise me… I tried so hard to contact her, but to no avail.  She is not available to answer questions, etc… I thought about Alice Miller, an author whose book I love “The Body Never Lies”, although I haven’t finished reading it yet.  I thought of Dr. Nadine Burke Harris… I have her book, “The Deepest Well”… I must find time to read it… she would also KNOW, but how would I be able to reach them… All I knew was that I needed help right there and then. 
 
The more I questioned how ludicrous my reaction had been, the more I questioned what Patty must have been through to have had such extreme fears… what had frightened her so much when she was so little.  I know it was mommy… but what had she done to instill that much fear in such a small child.  How could I help Patty now on my own…?  I have had to learn the hard way, that nobody else can help an inner child locked inside of an Adult self… (maybe the people I mentioned above would have some ideas for me), but for now… I’m on my own… still desperately trying to find my answers and to help my inner children to find healing… to help myself to put back all the pieces that were broken apart by the abusers of my past.
 
So many thoughts coursing through my mind… such a crazy-spinning-dilemma.
 
What I was able to do, was to find my place of absolute empathy for Patty… Even though I did not have any real answers for her to somehow find a way to hold her close in my heart… to reassure her of my unconditional love for her and in doing so, I was able to soothe and calm her fears.  Comforting Patty would help Patricia also to feel more in control of her/our situation.

​Last night, I slept reasonably well… almost 7 hours.  I could feel when I woke up, that something had shifted in my mind… the empathy I had shared with my Patty, I was now feeling towards my family also. 

I woke up to a letter this morning from my far-away sister, and in it was the words:

"Whatever you choose, I am with you."

That stood out for me and was a huge strength to me, because I wanted to believe it was true... no matter what... I was not alone.

Yesterday, in my desperation for someone to talk to, I ended up on a Facebook page where people prayed for each other, so I reached out for them to pray for me and my family... there were so many responses... and I responded to each and every one with gratitude... I believe that all those prayers sent by strangers (earth family) and all their words of love and their hugs sent, held power also to change my situation... I am grateful to them all... complete strangers who took the time to pray for my family and I... what a blessing ♥ With every message sent to me, I shut my eyes and repeated their words and actually felt their love and hugs as if physically... it was very special.
 
I think that what also helped also with my emotional shift was that Shem (the wonderful helper to all) had visited me on Wednesday, to help me get my house in order.  It had gotten so out of hand with the rush and long hours of the workshops, Christmas and then the housesitting, that I was just not coping anymore.  Then today, Shem came again to help in my garden, preparing beds, cleaning at the front and back, planting, mulching, moving pots, etc.  
 
When things around me are in order, it helps to create more order inside of me also.  I am truly grateful for Shem… he is the most willing, kind helper who is loved by so many.  I pray that he will never be used, because he does NOT deserve that for all he puts in to help each and every person who relies on his excellent services.
 
Right now, I’d like to raise money for Shem to have a bicycle again.  He took his last bicycle home during his holiday recently to give to his son to get too and from school.  I think we’d need to raise at least R1000 for him to get a decent second hand one.  There’s no promises he won’t take that one back to his country on his next holiday there for another relative in need, but that’s the heart of a good man and it is his family back home that he is working so hard for as well as just the obvious joy he receives in serving others here.
 
If anyone is willing to contribute for Shem to acquire another bicycle, I’d be so grateful.  I will leave my fundraising link below and when he has his new bicycle, I will post a photo of him with it.
 
Anyway, today with working in the garden with Shem, I have felt so much better and freer from my recent struggles, (the fog is lifting) and although I have still not been able to read all the recent WhatsApps on our family group, or listen to my near-by sister’s messages from yesterday, I was still able to go onto our family WathsApp page and post what I hoped to be a reassuring message to my family.  I wrote:
 
“Good afternoon family.  Just to let you know that from my side, things are improving.  I understand that there might still be tension due to lack of understanding, but there’s nothing I can do about that.  I’m okay with whatever, so long as you are not too far away.  Taking it slow still… Have a blessed rest of your day”
 
There were three reassuring responses which meant a lot to me… but then one member posted a picture of herself with my dad… Instant panic response again… so I have not been able to go back on there…
 
It was too soon…  
 
Hopefully, tomorrow will bring a continued shift towards healing… I don’t know how long this flashback thing will take before it is gone… but I am very grateful for the release of tension in me through progress that I have felt today.
 
I am very tired now and will be off to sleep shortly.  Goodnight beautiful world…
 
~ Panayiota​

Fundraiser R1000 - for a bicycle for Shem

I have been longing to write this post about a competition my Logotherapy friend Mary-Anne entered last year, and the beautiful clothes she won for both of us! 
 
The competition advert was posted on Facebook in August 2018
Stand a chance to WIN a R5000 Queenspark summer wardrobe for you and a friend!
TO ENTER, tell us who you'd like to share this amazing prize with.
 
And, this was Mary-Anne’s prize-winning entry
“I would share this amazing prize with my dearest friend Panayiota who is an adult survivor of child abuse, rape and domestic violence. Through her fear of leaving her home and suffering with panic attacks she works from home. Every month is a struggle to pay her bills and she often relies on friends and family for the necessities to survive. I don't think she has ever been on a clothing shopping spree. This is my wish for her.”

On the 1st October, Mary-Anne let me know that she had just received notice that she had won the Facebook competition that she’d entered.  Oh, my goodness me, we were both so excited and doing The Dance of Joy in anticipation of our big shopping spree day together!  We hadn’t seen each other in a while, so our joy was even greater! 
 
On the 13th October, we met at the shopping center with the Queenspark closest to Mary-Anne’s house… my youngest son came with me, because it was a long drive to a place I’d not visited before.
 
When we arrived, Mary-Anne soon found us, and we went together to have some tea and just chatted, while Mary-Anne had some breakfast… we’d already eaten before we left home.  It was wonderful to see my dear friend again… we had both studied Logotherapy around the same time.  I don’t have a good memory for details though… I just remember always loving her and being very close to her.
 
After tea, I sent my son off to watch a movie while Mary-Anne and I went to Queenspark where we introduced ourselves and were each given our R2500 gift vouchers. 
 
From there we walked around the shop going through all the clothes.  It was in my 50’s that I went into a clothes shop for the very first time in my life, to buy myself anything… I bought my work uniform… at the time, working for my therapist, so she sent me there.  I remember, it was such a big deal for me, that I actually started to cry when I went to the teller to pay for the skirts and blouses, I’d purchased… so embarrassing…  It was HUGE for me. 
 
A year or so ago, one of my colleagues took me to the shops to choose for myself and buy an outfit and that was also so very special.  In general, I have always worn second hand clothes and clothes I’ve worn for years… literally wearing them until they have disintegrated and can’t be worn anymore… and I still have those black skirts from my working days (? 2007), even though I’ve had to take them in three times because I lost so much weight.  So, clothes shopping is not something I have “given” to myself over all the years… I can always think of someone or something much more important to spend my money on… which I now realise has NOT been a good thing.  I need to think of “me” sometimes too!  Lovely people have bought me clothes along the way for special occasions or given me second hand and my daughter in law even made me a beautiful red dress once… but going clothes shopping for myself has been very rare and only since my 50’s that I can ever remember.
 
I have to say though, that I was in desperate need of new smart-clothes by the time Mary-Anne won that competition for us both, so it was like a true blessing from Heaven for me.  It was one month before the Logotherapy student workshops (three of them in a row over a three-week period during November and early December), so it truly has been very much appreciated and gave me added confidence during the workshops.
 
I got so caught up in going through all the clothes on our shopping day… so many beautiful items to choose from… each item quite expensive, so I knew that I had to be very careful of what I selected… it had to be the items of clothing I’d feel most comfortable and confident in.  It was such an incredible experience to know that I could do this and not have to worry about how much everything cost… to just get what I really would love most with that precious voucher in my hand.
 
Once we had tried on and selected our outfits, we went to the tills to exchange our vouchers for what we had chosen… I ended up with four beautiful blouses and a most beautiful dress.  I would love to have more dresses like that, but for now, I was blessed with what I felt would be most versatile with the wardrobe I already have… like my black skirts and some trousers I’d received from friends.  My friend managed to get 7 outfits with her voucher and we were both delighted.
 
A lady at Queenspark took photos of us and while we were there, another colleague of ours, Dana, joined us to share in our joy, and she took a photo which I will include below.
 
We then went to lunch with Danielle’s family and who paid for my lunch and my sons, which was so kind of them… we had a lovely and happy time together. 
 
After that, Mary-Anne, my son and I went around the shopping center to see if we could just find somewhere where we could find someone to fit a bra for me… just so that I could find out what size I am now since I lost so much weight.  The two bras I own do absolutely nothing for me, as can be seen in the photo, hahahaa! 
 
We could not find anywhere, except a French underwear shop, which wanted to charge me well over R1000 for a bra and would only fit if I was buying… unbelievable!!!  We gave that one a miss.
 
We then parted ways and went home after giving Mary-Anne a big hug to show my absolute gratitude for the beautiful prize she had won for me and a wonderful day spent together.
 
A few days later, my daughter in law blessed me with a sports bra that made such a difference… oh, my goodness me… I didn’t know I could look so good in a GOOD bra… hahaha!  I thought those days were long gone!  Only problem is that the straps do show when I wear that bra, but it’s so comfortable, I’m okay with it.
 
The strange things I do
For a good few weeks, I kept my five items of clothing safely in the packet I’d come home with.  I only took the dress out once or twice to wear out.  I can’t explain why I do it… I do it with some of my most precious birthday and Christmas gifts also… especially something that smells beautiful and makes me feel beautiful or like a real and beautiful woman.  It’s like I’m trying to cherish the moment… or to hang onto the feeling it gives me… it’s kind of sacred, so it’s been hard to come and write about it… I had to wait for the right time, and with all the negativity that has been clouding over me just lately, I needed to share something more positive… and this is making me feel so happy right now.
 
During the students’ workshops I wore four of my new clothes… for some reason I saved one blouse for another time… I guess I wanted to enjoy the feeling over again when I wore that one for the first time.  I am yet to wear it… still hanging onto the “moment” the day I spent with my dear friend Mary-Anne and her beautiful gift to me. 
 
I will wear it soon… on some other special occasion I suppose.
 
Mary-Anne… if you are reading this, I just want you to know how grateful I am for the beautiful gift you blessed me with and your kind and caring heart.  You really lifted me up with your love and for that I am truly grateful… for the knowledge of your friendship and LOVE.  Every time I wear my wonderful winning wardrobe, I will be thinking of you with LOVE also.
 
Please excuse the photos aren’t too great, but I hope they will still show how beautiful my new clothes are.  I had to edit some of them them to make them stand out more, because the backgrounds were too busy.

​Thank you for sharing this wonderful story with me.
 
~ Panayiota

I am very grateful for this post that popped up on The Mighty website today, because it puts into words what I am always trying to share in my blog posts, and because I identify with most of all that was written on this and these words below by Lilly Hope Lucario (which I could have also written),
 
"I am a survivor of severe and multiple complex trauma, resulting in severe PTSD and Complex PTSD. I write about my journey, I advocate and educate." 
 
This for me has most often been such a lonely and painful journey to recovery, because so few understand and so many judge and reject as a result, which only make things even harder for me, and my progress so much slower... but also resulting in me becoming even more determined than ever to find my healing so that somehow I can be an example to others so that my life would have had real meaning in the end… others who identify with all that Lilly has written below and maybe some of what I share on my blog also.
 
Please read this:
 
Information below and more, found on the following link:
https://themighty.com/2017/08/life-impacting-symptoms-of-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/#conversation
 
Lilly’s Website:  https://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/
12 Life-Impacting Symptoms Complex PTSD Survivors Endure
Complex trauma is still a relatively new field of psychology. Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) results from enduring complex trauma.
 
Complex trauma is ongoing or repeated interpersonal trauma, where the victim is traumatized in captivity, and where there is no perceived way to escape. Ongoing child abuse is captivity abuse because the child cannot escape. Domestic violence is another example. Forced prostitution/sex trafficking is another.
 
Complex PTSD is a proposed disorder which is different to post-traumatic stress disorder. Many of the issues and symptoms endured by complex trauma survivors are outside of the list of symptoms within the (uncomplicated) PTSD diagnostic criterion. Complex PTSD does acknowledge and validate these added symptoms.
 
The impact of complex trauma is very different to a one time or short-lived trauma. The effect of repeated/ongoing trauma – caused by people – changes the brain, and also changes the survivor at a core level. It changes the way survivors view the world, other people and themselves in profound ways.
 
The following are some of the symptoms and impact most felt by complex trauma survivors.
 
1. Deep Fear Of Trust
 
People who endure ongoing abuse, particularly from significant people in their lives, develop an intense and understandable fear of trusting people. If the abuse was parents or caregivers, this intensifies. Ongoing trauma wires the brain for fear and distrust. It becomes the way the brain copes with any further potential abuse. Complex trauma survivors often find trusting people very difficult, and it takes little for any trust built to be destroyed. The brain senses issues and this overwhelms the already severely-traumatized brain. This fear of trust is extremely impactful on a survivor’s life. Trust can be learned with support and an understanding of trusting people slowly and carefully.
 
2. Terminal Aloneness
 
This is a phrase I used to describe to my counselor — the terribly painful aloneness I have always felt as a complex trauma survivor. Survivors often feel so little connection and trust with people, they remain in a terrible state of aloneness, even when surrounded by people. I described it once as having a glass wall between myself and other people. I can see them, but I cannot connect with them.
 
Another issue that increases this aloneness is feeling different to other people. Feeling damaged, broken and unable to be like other people can haunt a survivor, increasing the loneliness.
 
3. Emotion Regulation
 
Intense emotions are common with complex trauma survivors. It is understandable that ongoing abuse can cause many different and intense emotions. This is normal for complex trauma survivors.
 
Learning to manage and regulate emotions is vital in being able to manage all the other symptoms.
 
4. Emotional Flashbacks
 
Flashbacks are something all PTSD survivors can deal with, and there are three types:
 
Visual Flashbacks – where your mind is triggered and transported back to the trauma, and you feel as though you are reliving it.
 
Somatic Flashbacks – where the survivor feels sensations, pain and discomfort in areas of the body, affected by the trauma. This pain/sensations cannot be explained by any other health issues, and are triggered by something that creates the body to “feel” the trauma again.
 
Emotional Flashbacks – the least known and understood, and yet the type complex trauma survivors can experience the most. These are where emotions from the past are triggered. Often the survivor does not understand these intense emotions are flashbacks, and it appears the survivor is being irrationally emotional. When I learned about emotional flashbacks, it was a huge lightbulb moment of finally understanding why I have intense emotions, when they do not reflect the issue occurring now, but are in fact emotions felt during the trauma, being triggered. But, there is no visual of the trauma – as with visual flashbacks. So, it takes a lot of work to start to understand when experiencing an emotional flashback.
 
For more info about emotional flashbacks see my article on my website.
 
5. Hypervigilance About People
 
Most people with PTSD have hypervigilance, where the person scans the environment for potential risks and likes to have their back to the wall.
 
But complex trauma survivors often have a deep subconscious need to “work people out.” Since childhood, I have been aware of people’s non-verbal cues; their body language, their tone of voice, their facial expressions. I also subconsciously learn people’s habits and store away what they say. Then if anything occurs that contradicts any of this, it will immediately flag as something potentially dangerous.
 
This can be exhausting. And it can create a deep skillset of discernment about people. The aim of healing fear-based hyper-vigilance is turning it into non-fear-based discernment.
 
6. Loss Of Faith
 
Complex trauma survivors often endure a loss of faith. This can be about people, about the world being good, about religion, and a loss of faith about self.
 
Complex trauma survivors often view the world as dangerous and people as all potentially abusive, which is understandable when having endured ongoing severe abuse.
 
Many complex trauma survivors walk away from their religious beliefs. For example, to believe in a good and loving God who allows suffering and heinous abuse to occur can feel like the ultimate betrayal. This is something needing considerable compassion.
 
7. Profoundly Hurt Inner Child
 
Childhood complex trauma survivors, often have a very hurt inner child that continues on to affect the survivor in adulthood. When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. A survivor will often continue on subconsciously wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
 
Inner child healing can be healing for childhood abuse survivors. It is where the survivor begins to meet the needs of their hurt and wounded child, themselves. I have further info about this on my website.
 
8. Helplessness and Toxic Shame
 
Due to enduring ongoing or repeated abuse, the survivor can develop a sense of hopelessness — that nothing will ever be OK. They can feel so profoundly damaged, they see no hope for anything to get better. When faced with long periods of abuse, it does feel like there is no hope of anything changing. And even when the abuse or trauma stops, the survivor can continue on having these deep core level beliefs of hopelessness. This is intensified by the terribly life-impacting symptoms of complex PTSD that keep the survivor stuck with the trauma, with little hope of this easing.
 
Toxic shame is a common issue survivors of complex trauma endure. Often the perpetrators of the abuse make the survivor feel they deserved it, or they were the reason for it. Often survivors are made to feel they don’t deserve to be treated any better.
 
Sexual abuse can create a whole added layer of toxic shame, which requires very specific and compassionate therapy, if this is accessible. Often, sexual abuse survivors who are repeatedly enduring this heinous abuse can develop feelings of being dirty, damaged and disgusting when their bodies are violated in this way.
 
9. Repeated Search For A Rescuer
 
Subconsciously looking for someone to rescue them is something many survivors understandably think about during the ongoing trauma and this can continue on after the trauma has ceased. The survivor can feel helpless and yearn for someone to come and rescue them from the pain they feel and want them to make their lives better. This sadly often leads to the survivor seeking out the wrong types of people and being re-traumatized repeatedly.
 
10. Dissociation
 
When enduring ongoing abuse, the brain can utilize dissociation as a coping method. This can be from daydreaming to more life-impacting forms of dissociation such as dissociative identity disorder (DID). This is particularly experienced by child abuse survivors, who are emotionally unable to cope with trauma in the same way an adult can.
 
For more information about the different types of dissociation, see my website.
 
11. Persistent Sadness and Being Suicidal
 
Complex trauma survivors often experience ongoing states of sadness and severe depression. Mood disorders are often co-morbid with complex PTSD.
 
Complex trauma survivors are high risk for suicidal thoughts, suicide ideation and being actively suicidal. Suicide ideation can become a way of coping, where the survivor feels like they have a way to end the severe pain if it becomes any worse. Often the deep emotional pain survivors feel, can feel unbearable. This is when survivors are at risk of developing suicidal thoughts.
 
For more information about suicidal issues, see my website.
 
12. Muscle Armoring
 
Many complex trauma survivors, who have experienced ongoing abuse, develop body hyper-vigilance. This is where the body is continually tensed, as though the body is “braced” for potential trauma. This leads to pain issues as the muscles are being overworked. Chronic pain and other issues related such as chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia can result. Massage, guided muscle relaxation and other ways to manage this can help.
 
All of these issues are very normal for complex trauma survivors. Enduring complex trauma is not a normal life experience, and therefore the consequences it creates are different, yet very normal for what they have experienced and endured.
 
Not every survivor will endure all these, and there are other symptoms that can be endured. I always suggest trauma-informed counseling if that is accessible. There are medications available to help with symptoms such as anxiety and depression.
 
There are also many self-help strategies to manage the symptoms and help heal. Many of these are listed on my website.
 
Lastly, I advise that empathy, gentleness and compassion are required for complex trauma survivors.
 
— Lilly Hope Lucario (Severe and multiple complex trauma survivor). 
 
Lilly’s Website:  https://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/
 
Thank you for reading this important post to hopefully understand me and people like me a whole lot better.
 
~ Panayiota

Just over 5 hours sleep last night after an upset when my son showed me one of the WhatsApp posts that someone had posted on our family group which I have not looked at since my father’s birthday was mentioned which sent me into an internal whirling mess that I’ve been stuck in ever since…
 
The words of the post were:
 
“Rivers never go in reverse, so try to live like a river.  Forget your past and focus on your future.  Always be positive!”
 
Immediately, any progress I was making after recent hurts, was instantly washed away!  I lay awake half the night, hurting and dealing with that hurt with angry thoughts… desperately wanting to hurt myself again, visualising it and the relief it would bring… but… I WON’T!  I am stronger than the need to hurt now…
 
The offending message might not even have been meant for me to see, but to tell the truth, I took it that way, because my longing for my Greek family to still be in my life is real… but without absolute reassurance of their unconditional love, it is totally impossible… so I am hurting easily right now.
 
For me… this post was very judgmental against me! 
 
Have they not heard anything yet?! 
 
MUST I REPEAT… For the adult survivor of severe child abuse… THE PAST LIVES WITH US AND IN US… IT HAUNTS US DAILY!  The past is not something we can just forget about… let go of… put behind us… etc.  It is something that WILL NOT LET US GO!
 
TORTURED SOUL!
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I am a tortured soul wondering lost
In a vast wasteland of my forgotten past!
Catching glimpses of
“It’s” burning scorching plains,
Where hope is lost in the endless torment,
Of billowing black smoke and scattered ashes.
Nowhere to turn!
Nowhere to hide!
Nowhere to run!
For each road keeps bringing me back
To where all this pain belongs!
I cannot escape its blazing snare!
This endless punishment –
For some dreadful sin that I never committed!
It was not even mine!
Yet, I must suffer this burning hell!
That will not stay with the one who created it!
The one who deserves it most!
ABUSER!  RAPIST!  THIEF!
You stole my childhood!
You stole my freedom!
You stole my happiness!
You stole my health!
You stole my friends!
You stole my portion of LOVE!
And I am forced to live on in your land of horror!
While you are free to go on with your destroying ways!
Who else have you already sent here?
Who else knows how terrible this lonely anguish feels?
 
(Sunday, 28 October 2007)
 
Oh, my goodness me… CAN ANYBODY HEAR OUT THERE!!!!  Flip man!  ENOUGH ALREADY! 
 
When people can’t explain something or make you into what they want you to be… LIKE THEM… they will set all sorts of curses upon you, instead of giving all of what is most needed…
 
THEIR UNCONDITIONAL LOVE! 
 
Having some idea of the religious perspectives of the one who posted it, I spent many hours last night, going over and over in my head what my therapist did by forcing her religion to the point of changing my religious perceptions forever… showing me just how destroying organized religions can be on the very souls of their weakest and most hurting members… and now it seems (to me with my hurting perceptions) that others in my world continue to hold that destroying torch for her… BE LIKE US OR YOU WILL ROT AND BURN IN THE HELL FIRES!!! Exactly what my therapist said to me over and over!!! 

I can remember hearing others speaking about others who were “not all there” in the past… saying how they had felt Satan in this one or that one… as if they had some divine vision into the exact goings on inside of each person that they didn’t like… who didn’t fit with THEM and THEIR WAYS.
 
I am so sick of the satan talk that I don’t even believe in a satan anymore… I believe that as human beings and Children of Divinity, we are quite capable of concocting and being evil all on our own.  We do not need some other entity to blame for our own cruelty towards others, etc.  We do not need to make such excuses for the evil we are so very capable of doing, inflicting, holding, etc. on our own!  And I’m not interested in how you’ve interpreted the biblical verses, because I already know how differently each church has interpreted the bible to suit their own teachings… it’s horrific to even think about… there are so many versions and beliefs… ALL SUCCEEDING VERY WELL IN DIVIDING HUMANITY AND KILLING ANY REMNANTS OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE THAT SHOULD EXIST IN ALL, FOR ALL.
 
I am doing everything in my power to overcome the destructive affects of the abuse that DID happen in my childhood and left me with a lifetime of struggles… I WILL NOT LET ANYONE STOP ME NOW… This is my quest for healing and I will let nobody get in my way anymore. 
 
THIS IS BETWEEN MY GOD AND ME!  Stay out of it, unless you are able to give unconditional love, support and acceptance, as He has always given to me regardless of where I was on my path of personal spiritual development at the time. 
 
I wonder now, if in their discussions, they see me filled with evil demons, because I’m unsettling their apple-cart's by being different and outspoken about my pain and struggles… my weaknesses… standing up for my constant and life-long need for the reassurance of unconditional love…
 
Like I said to my online therapist… I cannot live with them, and I cannot live without them… but maybe, as they continue to judge and chip away at what has always been my fantasy of their unconditional love for me… maybe they will finally succeed by reinforcing this new reality… and then… I will actually be able to let them go forever.
 
For as long as they continue to judge… I will KNOW that their unconditional love and acceptance for me does NOT exist…
 
THE JUDGEMENT MUST STOP BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE, AND ALL IS LOST! 
 
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE OR NOTHING!  
 
I should not even care about the person who posted it… BUT I DO!  I care about each and every one, because TOGETHER, they all make up that part of me that still holds onto the fantasy of their unconditional love, even while another part now feels that it has never really been. 
 
I AM TORN DAMMIT!!! 
 
But…
 
I AM A DETERMINED RIVER!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I am a determined river,
No mountain can stop my flow,
I will flow around, under, through or over,
But forever forward I will go!
 
Every obstacle that tries to stop me,
May slow me for a short time,
But I’ll only grow stronger and braver,
For I follow my Lord Divine!
 
Pain and heartache will wash away,
With the help of my Loving Savior.
I do not wish to carry this load,
Or dig an early grave here!
 
Over His footsteps I will follow,
‘Till I reach the Mighty Sea,
Where no obstacle will again daunt me
And at last, I will be free!
 
(21st July – written from a Christian perspective in 1997)
 
I enjoyed attending my own church this Sunday… I shared on my FB page:
 
“I witnessed so much LOVE at church yesterday... it was so beautiful to see people reaching out to assist the aged with climbing steps, etc. Just so much courtesy and loving-care which one doesn't see so often in this world anymore... it was very special.”  

​Thank you for sharing with me
 
~ Panayiota

​As has been in the past, I sunk into a deep depression after the student workshops were over… I was very busy still with work commitments, so I was getting through it regardless of it’s strangle hold on me! But, the urge to hurt myself (Self Injury – SI) and suicidal thoughts were ruling. 
 
I am very sure I would not commit suicide… I think that no matter what, I’ve transcended the place in my mind where that would have been a possibility in my past, because I now recognise and feel strongly, that I have important responsibilities to LIVE for… children, grandchildren, sisters, brothers, close friends, books to write, my work, students, etc., so even with the vivid intrusive thoughts about it that I keep having to try to block out, I honestly don’t think I will ever get deep enough into my miseries to actually go there… I have learned a few techniques or strategies to lift me if I feel too deep… but at the time, I had two choices to stay out of it… to deal with the extreme and all-consuming anxiety that I was sitting with… and the one was to self-injure (which I didn’t do either).
 
Being in that state, I urgently needed to speak to someone, but WHO… ?  By then, my trust levels were kind of obliterated by recent events… I was struggling… I could have written to my online Logotherapist, but because of the shattered trust at the time, I had pulled myself too far back to be able to reach out to her… I am sure she would have said something that would have helped, but I couldn’t quite get back so that I could go there to her online… In my mind…  maybe she’d be fed up with me also.
 
I noticed how a strange habit from my past had suddenly returned… As I drove closer to home (about a block away) any time I’d been out, I’d instantly, without thinking, remove my seatbelt, because I would start to feel so suffocated.  In the past, when I lived in Benoni, it was so bad, I’d even have to rip off my bra, so that I could breathe.  (I believe that this habit came from the Patricia era of my life, with my stepfather preparing me with his disgusting, evil hand, for what he was going to do when we arrived home… after dropping our mother off for her night shift at the Red Fox Hotel in Rhodesia).  This habit and others had completely stopped since I started to study Logotherapy, but it was suddenly back for a few days over December.  I could not believe that it was happening again.  It’s one of those things where I just shake my head in disbelief and quickly put my safety belt back on again!
 
Another thing that interests me in observing my moods, etc., is that while I was housesitting this last week at my son’s house, I was full of energy… I had a good few responsibilities, taking care of my grandson’s bearded dragons and my granddaughters’ dogs, and the house, etc.  I loved surprising my family by leaving their house as spotlessly clean as I could for their return… it gave me such joy to do that.  But I got back to my house and immediately felt so detached from all the work that awaited me there, because we left so soon after Christmas, so the mess was still here.  Oh my goodness me… I struggled to find any energy at all and just wanted to curl up in my bed and sleep.  Thankfully, I am making some headway by today in getting things back into order, but it’s been such a battle.  I still have floors to sweep and wash… carpets to vacuum… washing to fold and iron… etc., but at least the kitchen is clean, and I can breathe a little better now.
 
On the 10th December, out of the blue, a more distant friend who has written a book on a very sensitive subject that I identify with, happened to write to me at that time and as she is detached from my immediate social surroundings and well educated, I felt that maybe she would understand.  I bravely shared with her, the method (taught to me by my previous therapist), that I had used to deal with this awful and overwhelming anxiety… I asked her, if it was something I should be sharing on my blog… I want my blog to be totally real, but I know that there are very likely people very near and dear to me reading it from time to time… and church people and people who don’t like me, etc…. so, there are just some more sensitive things I believe I can’t share… but I asked my friend what she thought about it anyway… her response below, which I feel is pretty much in-line with my own thoughts: 
 
“Regarding your blog – in my opinion, there is a fine line between bearing one’s all and sharing struggles.  Personally, I would not include the things you are referring to here on a blog.  If you feel you want to get it out of your system by writing, perhaps write a letter or whatever you would write, and then burn it.  Not everyone wants to be part of someone else’s pain to this extent, unless you feel that those who follow your blog would be fine with it.  Thanks for confiding in me as always.”
 
It is such a blessing to at least have one person that I can share these deeper things with.  It was not planned to share with her… but Life opened a door for me to speak to her right there and then.  I took a chance sharing with this person, but she was kind in her response.  I have other friends who I can occasionally share the deeper messed up stuff with, and they take it kindly too.  I am therefore very blessed to have such close friends who understand and give me guidance in dealing with my struggles and help me to find some of my more emotionally sound answers.
 
Anyway, around that time, my daughter visited and heard about my depression.  She asked why I had not let her know… I said that I’d not heard from her in a while, and as she must know by now, that if I have not heard from a person (even a person as close as my daughter) for a while, I start to think that they are upset with me, or I’ve done something wrong, etc., so I withdraw… in that state, I find it difficult to reach out… I feel I might be a burden, or make a fool of myself, or not be wanted, or irritate them, or something such.  She understood… I love her for that.
 
A close friend of mine had taken me out to his family event the one evening and promised to get me home by 9pm… knowing that lack of sleep is something I don’t do well with… he got me home late and I only went to bed around 11pm… because I was overtired, I could not fall asleep and when I woke only a few hours later, I woke wide awake, even though I was still exhausted, so the whole day ahead was wasted.  I just could not fall asleep again and napping later didn’t work… my mind was buzzing too much!  I was annoyed and he knew… then, I didn’t see him in ages and immediately believed all of the above and got myself into quite a sad and sorry state about it all… Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, etc., and it was days later, and only when I’d totally convinced myself that he and his family were now angry with me for daring to be annoyed first, did I find out that he and his family were on holiday… that’s why I had not heard from them.  They had told me they were going on holiday, but I’d forgotten.  (I am terribly forgetful at the best of times, but a whole lot more forgetful when stressed or upset).
 
I’m just mentioning these situations to try and illustrate a point.  With the way that my mind works, I do need regular reassurance.  The smallest thing… just a short WhatsApp every few days… anything, just to keep the connections open so that I don’t sink into that dark place again.  I especially need the connection-reassurance, when things are quiet at work and people are away on holiday… when my regular routine connections have changed as a result of holiday times, etc.
 
Recently, my youngest son added me back onto our family WhatsApp group.  I had deleted myself from there because I felt lonely on there… same reason as the church group I was on previously.  Like everyone was responding to everyone else’s comments but mine seemed to be ignored or not as important… and also, because some important (to me) family members refuse to be a part of the WhatsApp group, that also felt like rejection to me… it just felt so wrong.  I had recently mentioned in passing to my son who kept reading stuff to me off of the WhatsApp group, that whenever one of our dear members deleted herself from the group, (I believe for much the same reason’s as I eventually did), I refused to see her go, so I just kept re-adding her back on… but since I had deleted myself, it seemed that nobody missed me there in the same way.  So next thing, my son had added me again.  I just decided then to go with it and see what happens… I felt kind of happy to be back with at least those who do write on it from time to time… connection is so important to me… distance doesn’t feel right at all…
 
Anyway, this morning, they started to talk about my dad’s birthday coming up and what plans for a get-together… instantly I was filled with dread… I could not go there… TOO MUCH PRESSURE…
 
It’s like, I have surrounded myself with emotional protection walls… shut doors to my pain triggers, etc.… as long as nobody goes to where my pain is, I’m okay… but touching it this morning caused me to experience extreme anxiety almost instantly… I felt I couldn’t breathe… as if something heavy was sitting on my chest… panic attack threatening… pounding heart… I haven’t felt that in a long time… horrible… I started to think about running… where would I hide so nobody could find me… where could I go… ideas flashed through my head, and then intrusive, vivid thoughts about not opening my doors, but they send a child through the window to open the doors, etc… then suicidal thoughts again… not doing it, but in my imagination as the vivid and frightening story is being played out in my head, my bedroom door is locked closed and I’m threatening to take tablets if they don’t leave me alone… I hear my dad’s voice… I take the tablets and tell him I’m coming… I ask him if my brother is there…
 
Oh dear… this must sound so crazy… just now they will lock me up good and proper and throw away the key… but it is what it is…
 
But the fact is… once I have put up the walls and locked all my own doors to protect my emotional integrity, they cannot just be flung open as if nothing had ever happened… my emotions cannot be switched on and off at the wall… it just doesn’t work that way… my trust has to somehow be reestablished first…  
 
We are still in contact with each other occasionally via WhatsApp messages… those are not pressuring me… they feel safe… they distance me from the pressure of uncomfortable connections that I am escaping here in my safe place… those connections feel so distant, they may as well be on the other side of the world…
 
I am safe here… don’t try to force your way in… I’m not ready… I need to be here until I can find my own way out safely again…
 
There are places I can still go where I feel safe and can let down my guard… like I will be going to church tomorrow… I need to go there… I need some connection… but I cannot give much more right now…
 
I don’t know who is reading this, but I hope you understand if you are involved in any way… I’m not doing this to hurt anybody… I’m doing it to protect myself from emotions I am not coping with… my own emotions… but…  
 
I STILL LOVE-I STILL LOVE-I STILL LOVE!
 
~ Panayiota