~ Friday, 28th July ~ Continued from last post…
 
Yesterday at the university was a good day... but socialising stress caused me to yawn... A LOT... so embarrassing!  I must look like I haven’t slept in a week… or the conversation must be very boring… which it isn’t of course… hahahaa!  It gets so bad that I can't even concentrate on the conversations and end up missing a lot.  If anyone asked me what my opinion was on what was just discussed I'd just shrivel up and die, because I don't hear everything... I struggle greatly with the dissociation, but I still think it's so important that I keep putting myself out there in those uncomfortable situations outside of my comfort zone... how else would I give myself a chance to heal.  So, it doesn’t really matter how long it takes... it just matters that I believe that healing is always possible and I give it a chance.
 
Today I have a nasty headache and I’m struggling to surface after yesterday, to connect to my work, which isn't helpful... but I'm still trying...
 
This afternoon, my lovely daughter Judi, visited with a most delicious and welcomed lunch… a roast chicken and fresh salad. What a blessing she is.  We had such a lovely time together as always.  While she was here, she helped me by looking at my medical aid “doctors and dentist” lists and went about using the “hide” feature in Excel to hide all the parts of the list that were not pertaining to my area and needs… I didn’t even know you could do that… she taught me something there!  All that was left, was the doctors, hospitals, dentists, etc. that I would need to know about and none of the others… so much better!  The full list was overwhelming me and every time I looked at it, it scared me (anything to do with doctors scares me) and I could not focus, so I would switch it off!  Anyway, because of her, I made an appointment with the dentist (due to the tooth I broke!) and will see him on the 3rd of August… and it’s the one I saw before… the one I wrote about on my blog… that at the time, made me not so scared of dentists anymore… let’s hope that still stands true!  So, I’m really relieved about that! I’m not too worried right now, but the third is a long wait… suspense is never good for me!
 
Saturday, 29th July
A BIG THANK YOU to all who have spontaneously started to call me by my true name.  It means a lot to my heart right now.  It brings tears to my eyes, because it’s like I’m hearing my own name more often now since my Greek (step) mother went to Heaven in 2004.  She was the only person who consistently called me by my own name all through the years I was growing up and she was my greatest mentor for good.  I long to be fully accepted for my Greek heritage, because of my Greek mom’s influence in my life over all those years.  It’s like this place of absolute belonging for my soul… yet… with my true name having never been fully accepted by others, I have never felt as though I ever really belonged anywhere… except in my Greek mother’s heart and the rare few others in the past who have called Panayiota… bless them all <3
 
Yesterday, I worked most of the day, until 9pm... gradually catching up on everything since the hard drive crash, but still so-so-so much to do... but this weekend, I am dedicating myself to my blog posts…
 
Sunday, 30th July
This morning, I took an hour off of my blogging to go to church.  My 2nd son had a talk to do and I wouldn’t miss his talks for anything.  Not just because he’s my son, but for me, he is truly one of the most inspirational speakers I have ever had the privilege of listening to.  As usual, he blew me away with his wonderful talk.  My daughter in law is a lot like him also when it comes to talks… they are both amazing!  Feeling refreshed, I came home to blog and have been busy ever since.  It’s now almost 19h30 and I’m closing off for today.  The next time you hear from me, it will be about my computer… when I get it back from the Forensic specialist.  For now, I am very grateful to be using my daughter in laws computer… what a blessing.
 
Have a great week everyone!
 
I truly love those of you who have taken the time to read my blog, because it's a lot of unloading for me and I know that it’s a lot of reading for you... thank you so much for journeying with me…
 
~ Panayiota

~ Wednesday, 26th July ~ Continued from last post…
 
My anxiety, as a result of my “limiting beliefs” over what people in my logotherapy world might be thinking of me as a result of the hard drive crash disaster that has set things back and into so much turmoil for the past few weeks, is really getting to me.  Deep down, I am experiencing once again, feelings of being “my abusers useless idiot”… a failure… and imagine that people in my logotherapy world are talking about how stupid I am and “Why didn’t she do…”… this or that… etc.  I want to run so bad, but at the same time, I know that I cannot… people are relying on me to get our institute back up and running again and to keep moving forward. 
 
My mentor and boss is now speaking about getting me an assistant… that would really be wonderful and I am looking forward, to maybe just having enough spare time, so that I can once again feel inspired to write poetry as much as I used to, or to do some artworks on the weekends to sell or give away.  This weekend, I am catching up on my blog posts… I cannot afford to, because I have so much “other work” to catch up on… but I had to do this for myself, or I’m sure I’d go crazy.  I need to put things into perspective and make sense of them again… I will feel as though I’ve been able to unload a lot of my struggle, just by having written about it. 
 
I had another nightmare last night, as a result of my fears at this time, and interpreting it has helpful to me.
 
My nightmare… (from what you have read prior to reading this, try to work out the meaning of my dream, and what the meaning message in it could be for me.  If you see other aspects to my dream that could expand my interpretation of it, please feel free to share your thoughts through my blog-contacts page which is private or comment on my blog publicly.  I believe that Logotherapy Dream Interpreting is so important, that I really do want to share this incredible Logotherapeutic technique with you all and hope that you too can find your own unique answers to your nighttime dreams that will help you in your lives also.)
 
I dreamed I was at home with my youngest son and we were babysitting two little boys.
 
It was late afternoon when I suddenly realized that I was supposed to be at the hospital for an operation in fifteen minutes.  Oh my goodness me, what a rush!  I shouted to my son, to help me get everything ready, because we had to leave straight away!  The clothes that I had on were old house clothes, so I took them off in the rush.
 
We all arrived at the hospital without a second to spare.  It was only there that I noticed that I was only wearing my panties, and they were big and baggy and I must have looked a sight for sore eyes!  I was totally exposed to all the people around me. 
 
The reception sister said that it was too late for me to fill in the forms and rushed me off to the theatre, while my son went home to take care of the little ones.  I felt worried about not being there to take care of the children also, because I know how caught up in computer games, etc. my youngest son can get.  He might forget they are there and not take care of them as well as I would.
 
I went in, and there were a lot of people in there dressed in their white theatre garb.  I was standing next to the operating table and at the end of the table, with his back to me was the famous doctor Nowzaradan.  He barely glanced at me to greet me… I felt he might be angry with me for being late, but I was actually in the theatre just in the nick of time.
 
I was there to have the ugly big bag of loose skin removed from my abdomen.  I was feeling so uncomfortable and embarrassed, because I was wondering what everyone was thinking of me standing there in nothing but my baggy panties!  Nobody was really taking much notice of me at all, but I still imagined they were.
 
And then I woke up.
 
My Logotherapy Dream Interpretation on this dream:
Initially, I was not sure what the significance of the two little boys is in my dream, other than perhaps to represent the chaos I have been through of late with the hard drive crash.  In the dream, my son and I were running around trying to keep the boys together in one place and they were keeping us quite busy… so much so, that it was late before I suddenly remembered that I was supposed to be at the hospital and in the rush to get ready and leave, I had ripped off my old house clothing and forgotten to change into new.
 
(interpretation hint:  stripping off the old…)
 
We only just made it to the hospital… which I think shows how overwhelming and pressing my workload is at this time, in trying to reestablish my work records in an organized way… new folders, new files… new everything… and at the same time, also trying to reorganize my own stuff... all by piecing together the bits and pieces that are left after the crash and adding memories where I can… and at the same time, longing to write this series of blog posts to relieve the pressure in me… to somehow organize even my thoughts and emotions into something that would bring some kind of perspective and order back into my mind.  Trying to find time for so many things all at the same time… impossible… but the need to do so is nevertheless still pressing…
 
Realising that I am only wearing my panties as I run into the hospital… Feeling totally exposed… the nightmare was triggered by “limiting beliefs”… script messages from my past… that everyone is surely now cross with me… they must think I’m stupid… are they skinnering behind my back about how I could have let this happen… and am I now seen as a failure and not the important and efficient secretarial administrator at work… and what about our students who sat for three weeks without any response from me to their e-mails… first their workshop had to be postponed and a new date arranged and now this! 
 
I am feeling as though I have failed them all… I am already unable to forgive myself, so how could I hope that anyone would all forgive me for what happened with my hard drive… HUMPH!
 
Too late to fill in the forms when I arrived… maybe… to accept that I have to keep moving forward and forget about what can’t be done right now… maybe to accept that some forms are lost and just get on with life regardless… or maybe, to do things one step at a  time… not everything can be done at the same time.
 
My youngest son went home with the little ones and left me at the hospital… I just thought about this… I had to put my computer in the care of my two oldest sons… I had to trust them with my computer… I felt I could trust them and I did… but at the same time… could I trust myself without my computer… without my work… did the two little boys represent my two oldest sons… I do think so.  So, just as I have to trust my youngest son in the dream, to take the little boys home and take care of them without me, so I had no option either but to let my older boys do whatever they could with my computer… leaving it with them and going home without it.
 
I was worried about parting with my computer…  mostly because of intrusive thoughts… “What if it got stolen while my boys were looking after it?” was my greatest worry.  It was the hardest thing parting with it!  Just like a mother leaving her child with someone else for reasons she has no control over. 
 
So… basically, it’s the computer that’s been going for “hospital care”… but it gets a bit mixed up in my dream where it’s me going… but I think that’s because I was in such a state over the whole hard drive thing, that I actually also needed to “be seen to”… in a nurturing, loving and understanding way.  In essence… I felt broken… It was not just the computer needing care… and the computer being a very important part of my life… of the me I am today… it’s just too hard to be separated from it!  It’s as if I am being separated from a part of my self… a piece of my soul is missing…
 
In the operating theatre… still feeling very exposed, but where I was meant to be… Dr Nowzaradan had a lot of support in there… I must say, I have been feeling very supported by my children and daughter in laws at this time.
 
Standing next to the operating table… waiting for the next phase… something now has to be done to reach the next phase… Dr Nowzaradan is about to operate… he is going to remove the huge flap of excess skin off of my abdomen… I’ve lost so much unhealthy weight (lost so much unnecessary stuff also on my computer)… having this skin removed would be such a blessing… in the dream I am excited to have it done… a dream come true… a blessing. 
 
(I don’t think there is many a good man would ever want me looking the way I am now and I don’t think I’d want someone to see me like this, so my chances of being loved again are minimal… I’ve thought about it often.  Every time I bath, I find myself bunching the skin in my hands and imagining it being chopped off… I watch Dr Nowzaradan on TV and wish that he could help me too.) 
 
So, part of me knows that the (next phase) operation that is about to happen in the dream… and what has already happened due to my hard drive crash, is in some ways “good”… the unnecessary and cumbersome excess has been removed!
 
But there’s still the matter of my poetry… my dream does not explain that for me… it feels as though a part of my soul has been cut away… I am mourning the loss and in real emotional pain over it…
 
I wrote to my sister, Anne: “Soul destroying my sister... and heart breaking... but I'm still going to keep moving forward... I'm sure someone in Heaven will remember my poems for me...” and she responded reassuringly… “Everything is recorded in Heaven...so yes, your poems are not lost forever.  So much work went into them and they are amazing... such a talent my sister.”
 
The people standing around in the theatre were all wearing white… can I allow myself to believe that they were angels… that they would take care of my poems so that I could have them back one day. 
 
I have to still believe in something… I have to still have hope…
 
Maybe on a subconscious level, doctor Nowzaradan only seems cross with me in the dream, because I have been beating myself up so much about all that has transpired over these last few weeks (I have been very cross with myself and with Life in general)… it’s truly been torture for me at times… emotional torture.  I actually marvel at how I’ve survived it till now and the strengthening attitudinal values I have been desperately clinging to, to get me through this… and LOVE… those I love… the work I love… those I cannot let down… because of LOVE ♥
 
Thank you for sharing with me…
 
~ Panayiota

PART 7 – THE COMPUTER IS NOW WITH A FORENSIC SPECIALIST ~ I can’t think about it anymore!
 
~ Monday, 24th July ~ Continued from last post...
Today is my 1st son’s birthday.  I love him so much and am feeling his love more today than I have in many years.  Last I heard, he is seeing another doctor, who has him on a medication that his helping him so much and he is a whole lot happier.  I am so grateful for that.
 
The computer shop was completely unable to help the second time around, and my 2nd son remembered a Forensic specialist at church, so he took my computer to him yesterday.  I cannot hope anymore… I honestly feel cursed, because so much has gone wrong over the last month... there has barely been a break between each blow... 
 
Yesterday I couldn't get on my Gmail... later in the day, I couldn't even access Google... today I can access my Gmail, but can't get onto my blog-linked Gmail... so frustrating... one thing after another... unrelenting.  I need a break, but now there's more work than ever, trying to rebuild my important work-related files, etc. so that I can be up and running efficiently again with that, not to mention trying to piece together my own personal stuff.  I've lost so many of my own files... MY POETRY… that is hurting the most right now!
 
My anxiety has been way over and above THROUGH THE ROOF!
 
I think I've been through all the stages of grief... and now at the place of... just numb... resigned to this fate of yet more great losses... still angry with Life!
 
If anyone is actually reading through each of these Part posts, I am truly grateful to you.  I do hope that what I write… (even though quite often, long and laborious reading for you I’m sure)… but I do hope that there are people out there who identify with my struggles and find help through my writings.
 
Why I write so much:
I was happy to find this link today… reading it was helpful.  Writing so much, helps me to make sense of my struggles... and mind struggles... it helps me to get things into perspective... it unravels the chaos and helps me to work out ways to get up again and move on... it shows me that I am courageous and resilient in the face of my struggles… or at least that I try so hard to be…
 
https://www.theladders.com/p/22799/anxiety-tragedy-heartache-writing
 
A personal choice I’ve made for change…
After recent devastating events, I’m choosing to sign off my letters to students and all who I write to, with my full name from now on… I’ve hesitated at times, to sign off with Panayiota, to people who have shortened my name in one way or another and have known me by that name for many years… I’m sure they will think I’m crazy… but I am persevering. 
 
Some of my students have already written back to me, instantly having changed to my full name… this has made my heart swell and tears of gratitude come to my eyes.  
 
When I die… my true name, PANAYIOTA, will be on my tomb stone… but, I don’t want to only be recognized by my true name when I’m dead… I want to be Panayiota NOW already… I’ll be 61 in November… surely I can choose now to be honoured by my own true name at last!  So many people who are really close to me call me Pat… I don’t want to be Pat anymore… it is not my name and never was!
 
Tuesday, 25th July
I'm so busy that I only stopped working late... I even received a student’s portfolio today for marking... so the BUSY is only getting crazier!  On Thursday, I will be at the university for the day... a day away from my work… I want to be there and I’d love the break from my four walls here, but I just can’t afford time away from my work right now.  With the prospects of two of my Introductory students coming with to hear our guest speaker on the day, I need to be there with them, so I will go.
 
I really do appreciate you sharing with me… thank you!
 
~ Panayiota

~ Tuesday, 11th July 2017 ~ Continued from last post…
 
While I'm waiting for my computer to come back... hopefully in the next few days, I'm busy working on a paper on Logotherapy Dream Interpretations of the daydream worlds of child abuse survivors. It's the most incredible thing!  I have only found a few brave adult survivors of child abuse who were prepared to share their daydream worlds with me so far, but amazing meaning centered interpretations have come from each, especially my own. It's been life-changing for us all. I can't wait for my paper to be done.  It’s been something I’ve wanted to do for so long, and doing it now, is helping me to get through the anxiety of all the waiting and worrying.
 
During this “waiting time”, I've registered two new students via cellphone and sent them their study packs already... I’m so proud of myself for continuing to move forward, even without my computer, but I'm going to have a truckload of work to catch up on by the time my computer comes back... scary, but I can't wait to get back to my work! This has been torture without it!
 
My hard drive is cooked so my 1st son is taking it to people with the equipment needed to extract and save what they can from it.  My mentor has kindly organized a deposit for what will be needed to get that done.  My son did all he could, but didn't have all the right equipment to do more. He really tried and I'm so grateful to him for that 💖
 
Later… OH NOOO!!!  Now... My house phone has died and my ADSL has crashed also as a result… now I’m cut-off of all contact, unless I use data to send and receive on my phone! Even if I got my computer back now I couldn't connect on it... This is just too much!  I have reported it and already unhappy at the thought of strangers coming into my house again to fix it!  My phone is in my bedroom!  Anxiety back in full force!  Aaaargh!
 
Thursday, 13th July
Things just keep getting worse... so I'm somewhat of shutting down emotionally now... I almost feel as though someone has cursed me.  I desperately want to take sleeping pills to sleep till it's all over...
 
Working on my paper is literally all that's keeping me going right now... and hoping my computer will be back soon... but beginning to lose hope... holding on for so long is too hard now!
 
Telkom arrived early yesterday... two strange men in my bedroom... one looking all over at everything in my room... which scared me to see!
 
My neighbor said she'd stay aware while they were here so knowing that helped... they came five times and once this morning also but got everything sorted out eventually thankfully and at least my house phone and WiFi are working again.  Their visits weren’t as bad as I was anticipating!
 
Then my 1st son phoned to give me the quote for extracting info from my hard drive... R3705 and that wouldn't even include a new hard drive for the computer.... I nearly fainted!!!!  Anxiety instantly shot through the roof again to the point that I once again felt as though I was drowning… I could hardly breathe!  In desperation, I told him to tell them to do it!  I just don't care anymore... I want my computer back so I can get back to my work!  I'd rather starve than live without it another day!  But he refused.... said they were crooks... He took it back from them this morning, and as my daughter in law was in the area on business, she collected the hard drive from my son to bring back for us to take to a computer shop near our home.  My sister said that they had done a good job on hers in the past at only R1500.
 
More waiting… more suspense… more anxiety overload!  I don’t know how much more I can take!
 
Backup eaten away!
Then later in the day yesterday, I put my external hard drive into the very old computer to look for some quotes for my paper... the computer we usually only watch movies on... and almost everything was missing. I could see my backup folders on the external hard drive, but nothing in most of them and only bits in some others!  Instant panic set in... I couldn't even breathe properly once again... heart palpitations... Pounding head and all!
 
After some thought, I comforted myself in the hope that because the operating system on the old computer is so old, it might not be able to read my modern backup on the external hard drive. I sincerely hoped I was right!
 
Then, just when I thought I seriously couldn't take any more, an unexpected desperate client popped up on my WhatsApp... Helping her, helped me... all my anxiety melted away and I felt like I could breathe again.
 
A friend on FB wrote, when she read about my troubles… “Oh my goodness!  I should be having all of this as I am wicked.  Just hang in there my precious, good, wonderful loving, kind friend.”
 
I responded… “My dear friend, I never want you to say that you're wicked on my page again please. There's only one thing worse and more destroying than others judging you and that's judging yourself as bad!  Only our Father in Heaven can decide on the degree of wickedness in each of us.  Stay strong dear friend.  None of us are perfect, though we must just keep doing our best in striving for perfection... Let Heavenly Father take care of the details... I don't have wicked friend... only lovely friends like you, doing your best with the strength you have left to survive the odds in an often very hard and cruel world.  Love you.”
 
Friday, 14th July
So far the news is good from the computer shop in my town.  Looks like they will be able to recover my data for R875.  A much better quote than the last place.  And another R1000 for a new hard drive if we need that.
 
By the time I got it to the computer shop yesterday to hand over my precious hard drive, I felt so sick that I nearly fainted while waiting for the man to finish with the other customer.  I must have looked ridiculous fanning my face wildly to feel better… and I just wanted to cry!  By the time I got back to my car, I was in tears and so detached, that I had to sit there for a while until I could surface again and felt I could drive safely.
 
There's no place like home, but I won't be able to rest or feel safe again until I have my computer back with everything on it.
 
Two nights of very little sleep!  Wide awake after 2am!!!  Gout threat again in both feet during the night last night.  My right one is still a little sore and I've been using a crutch, but I'm taking the meds and drinking a lot of fluids, so it's getting better as the day goes on.
 
My daughter came with lunch today so I have something to look forward to.  When she came, she took me to get my hard drive back for R875.  They said that they were able to save most of the data, but there will always be some losses.  So, until my computer is all back together again, I won't know for sure if my work, book, therapy stories, poetry and presentations are still there.  The waiting and suspense continues pounding at my reserves of strength relentlessly.  Praying hard 💕 I'm hoping to get it to my 1st son in the morning so he can get it back into the computer and get it ready for me to bring home.  I feel so grateful that the man at the computer shop was able to rescue my data.  As I left them, I told them that I would bring them something nice to eat as soon as I had time again… to show my grattitude.  I felt so relieved.
 
Monday, 17th July
Up till late last night, I was still without a computer to work on, and my son and I worked tirelessly through the weekend, to fix up a computer belonging to my daughter in law, to at least be able to carry on with e-mails and for keeping records in the meantime.  I arrived home at around midnight and today is my first day back at work because of my daughter in law’s kindness.  This morning, I took my own computer back to the computer store, because the recovery they had already done turned out to only be from My Documents which caused me so much disappointment and stress over the weekend, that I nearly lost it completely once again… it was so bad, that when my son tried to talk to me about it, I asked him not to, because I just couldn’t handle hearing about it anymore… it was almost as if someone was cutting me with a hot knife every time they mentioned my computer after that.
 
All of my important documents were on my Desktop and not in the My Documents folder, where I only kept old and miscellaneous items.
 
We are now hoping and praying that they will be able to recover more, because all my important personal works and the students records and my work-related stuff is still lost.  I did have a backup external hard drive, but as mentioned before, even that had a glitch that I never knew about until I needed my backup.  Only bits and pieces remained on that, otherwise much of my work was lost.  The folder names were there, but nothing, or only some of the folders left inside, as if some kind of hungry virus had gone alone eating files out of each folder.  Nobody could explain to me how that could have happened!  I was devastated when I realized that my backup was also broken… stolen! 
 
On my daughter in law’s computer, once my son had set it up for me, I was able to download, over 300 e-mails and I’m doing my best to catch up on at least answering those for now, and will from now on, print out records, so that this never happens again.  If I had printed out records  before, I would have been able to e-mail the students to let them know what was happening a long time ago using my son’s computer.  My son is also going to set me up for automatic updating on the Cloud, etc., so that this won’t happen again, and he’s has already added a good malware program and there’s a virus detector on my daughter in law’s computer also (as there was on my own computer!).
 
Tuesday, 18th July…
Just being back in communication with the students and already today I am feeling so much better.  My work with the Logotherapy students gives my life so much meaning and the will I need to go on. 
 
Yesterday I had a very slow start because I was still totally worn out from the weekend stresses and late night coming home on my own in the dark with my daughter in law’s computer.  What a blessing my children and daughter in laws have been… their support and love has helped me through these three weeks of otherwise abject nightmare… ♥ 
 
I am waiting desperately once again, to hear from the computer shop… it’s been the worst trial I think I’ve ever had to face in a very long time, because there is so much on that hard drive that is so very important to me… my souls works… over 1000 poems (A Poetic Journal of my Life)… since the first once I wrote when I was only 12 years old and my book, recently worked on and loads of changes made and items moved during my final self-editing before I would have sent it in for publishing… and no backup of all that work… I had only 30 pages left to edit and now all that work is gone.  My 23 therapy stories I wrote during my own therapy journey… longing to illustrate them all and have them published… where they all gone also… ???
 
Three weeks of not knowing if any of it had survived the crash… It has all been so soul destroying waiting in suspense with all the ups and downs in-between.  Only this last weekend did we finally find some old backups… enough to help me get back on track at work at lease, but so much recent works missing… praying the computer shop will be able to recover what I need… all the most recent updates…
 
As fast as I’m trying to answer the e-mails, more are coming in… I still have over 300 to do at the end of the day… not catching up at all, but at least I have my will to meaning back and can feel the dark cloud lifting at last.  I’m far too busy to think of my troubles.
 
I’m still so excited about my Logotherapy paper, because it’s something new and exciting… I want to e-mail it to the International Form of Logotherapy before I share it with anyone, because I do believe it’s a first and my mentor and I are so excited about it.  I hope the Forum will accept it.  I wrote it during these three weeks… going over and over and over it so many times… my anxiety levels were so high, that somehow the work on my paper which I had been meaning to do for so long, helped me to keep it together. 
 
There were times, as I imagined having lost everything that I didn’t think I could go on… it has been such a traumatic time for me… I honestly feel like I’ve been thrown in and out of hell more than once over these last three weeks!  I’m struggling with dissociation and just generally feeling very detached from everything… NUMB!
 
All that’s keeping me going is being able to get back to work since yesterday and just chatting again with so many students and having a sense of meaning and responsibility towards them all and my work… I am truly blessed and feeling the love.
 
Later…. A chunk of one of my teeth fell out this morning whilst eating a sweet! And that's all I'm saying about that! You must know how much I just LOOOVE the dentist!!! GRRRR!
 
I FELT THAT WAS THE LAST STRAW... I'd had enough and so I just up and left my house and my work and went shopping for an hour or two… after that, I was feeling a lot better and came home and got on with my work.
 
Friday, 21st July
My 2nd son visited last night and bought me two celery for my salads. I thought... how kind of him. I was feeling the LOVE.
 
It was unusual for him to visit out of the blue that time of the night and not close to his home.  While he was here, he hinted that they might not have saved my hard drive stuff and I must just be strong.  I responded, that I had not given up hope and believe I'll still be receiving good news.  After he'd left and my youngest son had come home from work, I went to bed at 9pm. 
 
There, it suddenly occurred to me that my 2nd son surely must have gone to the computer shop and they let him know they can't help. I have a feeling I will know for sure today... feeling devastated!
 
Been wide awake since 01:30 after only 4 1/2 hours sleep!
 
I WILL survive THIS! I'm not ready to die!  Though living seriously feels like hell right now!!!!  I am feeling angry with LIFE... at the same time I know there's a purpose for all this... there must be, or WHAT'S THE FLIPPING USE!!!
 
I'm gradually resigning now to the possibility of LOSS and just getting on with things with whatever energy I can muster in each moment of each day I am still blessed with.
 
Still reaching for the stars… only there are so many clouds in the way right now…
 
Thank you for sharing with me…
 
~ Panayiota

~ Written:  Wednesday, 5th July 2017 ~ Continued from last post…
 
My son will buy some kind of bracket tomorrow to work on my hard drive externally using his own computer. He's going to have to try and rescue all my information off of it to put on a new hard drive... I feel positively sick about it all, but holding on I hope and faith. Praying hard too.
 
Been awake since 02:30 again... exhausted from all the adrenaline excess... even been having moments of heart pain which is scary. I used to have that when I was married... adrenaline causing some kind of contraction on the bottom end of the heart I was told then… I think they said, the apex of the heart… I’m taking Rescue tablets under my tongue to try and relax more...
 
With no work commitments to use as an excuse, I decided that it was high time I went to see a doctor for the pain in my right side, which I’ve imagined was in my liver ever since 2012 when it started. 
 
Last year in November, my middle son and daughter both agreed to help me with a third each of the fee for a medical aid, so that I could at least go onto a lower end Medical aid which would still be way better any day than having to go to the Govt hospital!
 
Thursday, 6th July
Plucking up the courage today to make an appointment to go see a Dr... first time since I got onto a medical aid in November last year. I need to have this pain in my liver area seen to...
 
Made sure I slept last night by taking ¼ sleeping pill, so hopefully less anxiety today... so far I'm still struggling though!
 
Later… I did it! Booked for 2 pm today... EEEEK! Anxiety reaching new heights!
 
After the visit… He wanted me to have a sonar or some kind of scan, but my medical aid doesn't cover that, so I had an x-ray and blood tests. The X-ray shows no problem with my liver. I'll have to wait for blood results, so hopefully all good. He suspects that I have irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)...
 
I told the nurse on the phone when I made the appointment, that I'd like a kind Doctor and I was Banting, etc... so she assigned me to one who I really trusted immediately. He chatted with me like a friend and seemed patient and kind… and he’s a pro-Banting doctor… what more could I ask for! The whole place is so much better than the govt hospital... quite jacked up. X-ray department, laboratory, chemist and even a small hospital ward there.  I must be getting better at visiting doctors, because I was not anxious once I was there and even the guy doing the blood test didn’t hurt me at all… in the past, my veins would collapse because I was so scared, and they would have to prick me repeatedly trying to find a vein… this time… no problem at all!  How wonderful!
 
6pm - I have such a nasty headache tonight and very tired, but it was a far less traumatic experience than I've ever had at a Dr visit before... I'm so glad that's done at last... and so grateful to my two children for contributing thirds towards me having a medical aid. What a blessing my children are in my life.
 
Thank you for sharing…
 
~ Panayiota

~ Written, Monday, 3rd July 2017 ~ Continued from last post…
 
This morning, after a night full of dreaming, I remembered the wisdom of my student’s words the day before and how well they fitted with a nightmare I’d had.
 
I know that a lot happened in my nightmare and I wish I could remember more of it, but in the end, with Logotherapy dream interpretation, only what is necessary for the meaning message to be realized from a dream, will be remembered, and the rest of the dream which is often forgotten on waking up, was only there to align one’s spiritual-consciousness with the actual meaning message that they needed to take subconsciously from the dream.
 
Often recent images, symbols, etc. that we have seen and heard in our lives, movies we’ve watched for instance, will help to form our nightmares in order to bring an awareness of meaning messages we need to receive to ourselves for the sake of our lives.  Here we can see how our experiences and spiritual and conscious faculties, come together to guide us towards discovering what we already should know at the set of our soul, in order that we can continue to rise up and go forward, to live our most meaningful, purposeful, productive lives… to live to our full potential.
 
I believe that our dreams are personal revelations, given to us for the improvement of our lives.  If a dream is not remembered when we wake, then I believe that the meaning message of it has already been received subconsciously during our sleep.  If the dream or parts of it are remembered when we wake, then it is important for us to fully face and interpret it to discover the meaning message/s that it holds for us.  Once we have realized the meaning message/s of our dream, then it is important for us to take deliberate action and responsibility towards embracing the enlightening and life changing gift we have been given through the various sensory images and symbols highlighted or used in our dreams.
 
The Nightmare: (whilst reading about my dream, keep in mind, recent events that have happened in my life and how they could have tied into my past, my fears, etc., as all of this helps one to come to a personal interpretation of their dream.  We can never tell a client or person what the meaning of their dream is, but we can inspire them towards finding their own answers for their unique dream)
 
In my nightmare, I was submerged in deep murky water.  In front of me, suspended in the water, staring straight at me was a rotting human corpse.  The rocking ebb and flow of the water, kept pushing the body towards me and away again, sometimes it touched me.  I was feeling very afraid, finding myself stuck with fear, staring back at it, too afraid to take my eyes off of it.  Afraid that it would suddenly come alive and come after me if I took my focus off of it for a second. 
 
Then I woke up.
 
Realizing where the images of my dream came from:
I had recently watched the movie, “The Poseidon Adventure” if I remember right, or some other movie on TLC-TV, where the people had to swim past dead bodies submerged and floating in the water, in order to reach safety. I’d also recently watched a movie where a futuristic, human-looking, robotic house protector had gone bad and started to attack the occupants of the house… and when one of the occupants thought they had killed the robot as it lay motionless, it suddenly woke and grabbed his hand in a vice grip when he got too close… so I guess that’s where I picked up the symbolic image-ideas taken to make up my dream. 
 
I once again, worked on interpreting my dream, knowing from experience that the dream, whatever dream I dream, is meant to guide me towards a meaningful outcome for my current condition – to move me further away from the weightiness of my past… the fears and weaknesses that still persist in me… helping me to continue to transcend what was, in order to allow and invite what could and should become of my life, to enter instead. 
 
In the underwater film I watched, the people in their desperate efforts to save and preserve their lives, had to swim past the rotting bodies that were submerged beneath the water, one or other of the body’s limbs trapped by some fallen debris which had caused them to drown.
 
In the scary robot movie, the man whose arm had been caught by the robot, had to put up a big fight in order to escape the robots vice grip. 
 
My Logotherapy Dream Interpretation
In my life, the threat of losing loved ones is always going to be there – loss is a reality, it is always going to happen in one way or another – some good friendships will fall apart… my mentor might soon announce that she will no longer be coming back this way to train our students, and yes, I might continue to experience the extreme emotional agony of such losses, or impending losses in  my life, but that does not mean that I have to remain submerged and drowning in the vice grip of my past fears and struggles, staring such awful FEAR in the face – immobilized by FEAR!   I cannot allow myself to be a prisoner to FEAR any longer!  I have to keep fighting for my life!
 
I have come so far already in my fight for my life and MUST still find a way to loosen the vice grip of FEAR that keeps holding me back from further progress – that keeps trying to drown me in its’ murky depths. 
 
MY ABUSERS MUST NOT WIN… I CANNOT CONTINUE TO ALLOW THEM TO!
 
FLIP MAN!!!  I’m 60 years old already… how many more years of my life are they going to win over me! 
 
NO!  NO!  NO!!!!
 
I still have the option to continue to fight for MY LIFE!  To find ways to surface and swim towards any shore of hope I can still find… the shore of MY EXISTENCE… MY PURPOSE… To keep climbing MY MOUNTAIN of HOPE and make every effort to someday reach the top!  Far away from those awful and destroying drowning-waters of my past!
 
I CAN DO THIS! 
I MUST DO THIS!
I MUST! I MUST! I MUST!
Because NOTHING is impossible, unless I let it be!
 
This morning, I have woken with a very sore tongue on the left side.  I must have clenched my teeth on it again during the night!  That’s something I do sometimes when there’s a lot of stress. 
 
I’m still sitting without my computer – I am unable to keep my mind occupied with my work, so I’m trying to keep busy with this blog writing in a scrap book, to be typed out and posted when I am connected again… and I’m sorting out loads of long overdue paperwork that has been cluttering up my home for some time. 
 
Up till today I’ve been stuck in the lounge chair for the past week in front of the TV due to the gout in my right foot!  I feel totally frustrated and unmotivated!  Hopping around on one foot with crutches is painful and exhausting, so I’ve been avoiding it… I only got up when I had to, but today I can walk again, although I must be very careful, because the bones in my right foot are still sensitive.
 
Doing the Logotherapy dream interpretation has helped me to feel more positive and I’m feeling a little more hopeful again.  I’m am praying that my oldest son has managed to fix my computer over the weekend and will let me know soon…
 
I MUST AND NEED TO GET BACK TO WORK FOR THE SAKE OF MY SANITY!
 
My mentor sent me this scripture that meant a lot to me today:
 
Isaiah 60:20
Thy sun shall no more go down; neither shall thy moon withdraw itself:  for the LORD shall be thine everlasting light, and the days of thy mourning shall be ended.
 
Thank you for journeying a little further with me today…
 
Onwards and Upwards and my little sister Sharon, so often says to me.
~ Panayiota

~  Written Sunday, 25th June 2017 ~ Continued from last post... 
 
Just when one would think that things couldn’t get any worse, shortly after I’d woken from my gout attack during the night, my computer crashed while I was trying to get some work done! 
 
My computer and my work, is the one most important thing that has held me together over the last few years, since the time of the transference and countertransference that occurred in therapy that had me self-injuring and no longer having much desire to live.  Without my work, I crumble.  Even when I’m suffering in the agony of gout… even in the acute stages, the meaning I find in my work, sitting in front of my computer with my swollen-aching foot raised on a warmly covered body ball under the table, my work gives me the strength that I need to transcend my circumstances, the pain and my weaker self.  Without my work, my contact with the outside world and the sense of responsibility I have towards our students, I become very lost… I’d even go as far as to say and without any hesitation at all… it is the meaning I find in my work that keeps me alive… my contact with the outside world… my sense of responsibility… people relying on me to be there for them… and my joy in being connected to something that is so good, beautiful, right and true… “my Logotherapy World”… a place where I am “a somebody”… and where I feel free to be “me”.
 
My 2nd son came to try and help with the computer… he ran some fixing program on it and the same program ran all night, but nothing happened, so that didn’t work.  We knew that if I could get it to my 1st son he might only be able to help over the weekend...
 
Monday, 26th June… My youngest son was off duty, so he drove me to where my oldest son and family lives, so that we could drop my computer off for my oldest son to look at… he is an excellent IT specialist and DotNet Seniour Software Developer who I have always completely trusted with my computer.  My computer is so important to me, that I always feel it is in the best hands when it is with either of my two oldest son’s care.
 
We spent a few hours visiting there which I really enjoyed, spending time with my lovely daughter in law and with my three (far-away) grandchildren.  I felt so inspired by my grandchildren’s spontaneous giving of compassionate love to me when they saw that I was struggling on crutches.  When I sat down just after arriving, my 6-year-old grandson immediately brought a blanket to wrap me in, and later when I asked if there was something to put my sore foot on, my granddaughters ran to see what they could do.  One brought me a stool while the other put a cushion on it to make my foot comfortable. Nobody asked them to do this for me and because I don’t get to see them often, I felt so happy to see how naturally loving they are.  Unfortunately, my oldest son worked late, so we did not get to see him that day.
 
Tuesday, 27th June
My anxiety levels and frustration is becoming completely overwhelming.  With no computer, I’m suck in my lounge seat, sorting out paper work and trying to keep busy.  I’m worrying terribly about the students and people trying to get hold of me and wondering why I’m not responding to them… this is seriously killer for me! 
 
I must be connected!
 
It was a total nightmare... every second sitting in that lounge waiting, felt like torture and the day was so long…
 
Thursday, 29th June… The swelling is coming down on my right foot today but still too sore to walk on, so I’m still stuck in this chair.  I'm totally LOST without my computer!  Very anxious that all my work will be lost if my computer is stolen, or my information won’t be able to be recovered from my hard drive... my book... my poetry collection of over 1000 poems… my office records... etc.
 
Only 5 hours sleep...
 
Soup day…
What helped today was that I was blessed with another outing.  My little sister, nephew, helper and I drove around our town in my sister’s little red car, to hand out soup to the poor on the streets.  In South Africa, many of the poor make money by digging through people’s dustbins to collect anything that they can sell to make money; for them, this is a business that helps them to feed themselves and their families, or, alternatively for some, feeds their drug habits. 
 
The question did come up, re: whether or not we should give soup to anyone who was obviously on drugs.  I came to my own conclusion that YES, even they should receive the gift of a nice warm bowl of soup and that it is not for us to question or judge.  In Logotherapy, we learn to look at the spiritual core of the person, and not the outward appearance.  When one intends to do a charitable work, then the entire act needs to be completely sincere in taking every human being into account as equals… in the end, it’s about the charitable act, and not about our personal preferences when it comes to others.  I felt so glad that so many people were fed that day and that I could also be a part of the experience… it was very special and helped to take the focus off of my own troubles.
 
Saturday, 1st July 2017, this is the first day in a week that I have been able to walk a few steps without my crutches.  The Colchicine gout medication which I have been taking has really helped a lot.  My previous gout attacks lasted for weeks at a time because I wouldn’t take medicines; The one in July 2016 lasted for four months on and off. 
 
My right foot was once again very swollen this time around, so much so, that even my oversized sheepskin slippers, size 9 (my feet are size 7), felt too tight and sore, so my son allowed me to use his size 11’s… what a blessing… I must have looked like a clown in those, but at least they were warm and comfortable around my swollen foot.
 
For about a week I was literally stuck in the chair in the lounge in front of the TV, because it was too sore to move around and I had no computer to keep me going.  I felt so flat and unmotivated and even very angry and frustrated with my lot!  I worried myself sick about the students who might be trying to get hold of me via e-mail and if they were wondering why I wasn’t responding to them.  But on the positive side, I have learned more about how to do Facebook and Gmail on my cell phone which, at the age of 60, I’d never have done willingly before now!  I just don’t know what I would have done, without at least some contact… and of course, I still had WhatsApp contact with the world outside, so for all that, I felt so grateful, but still suffered from extreme anxiety, and exhaustion from the struggle to get around, lifting my weight on crutches whilst hopping on one foot…
 
I am aware that I am not breathing right when I’m so anxious; I don’t think I breathe deeply enough and it almost feels as though I’m not breathing at all sometimes and I have to remind myself to do so.  I also struggled with depression throughout this time, and on top of that, I feel as though I’m on a constant adrenaline high… as though there is too much adrenaline being released constantly… it’s a feeling of extreme anxiety and physical discomfort… heart palpitations, racing pulse, tight head, my nerves vibrating all over my body, etc.  It’s awful!
 
www.sacap.edu.za How childhood trauma can have a life-long impact on your health.
 
Sunday, 2nd July, Today, I was able to attend church with one crutch for balance, just to help myself up the stairs and on uneven ground.  In the afternoon, my daughter and son in law invited me to their house for a braai.  Getting out of the house is one of the most healing things I can do when I’m not in a good place, so all of this has been good.  I’m always happiest when I’m with my family and so, I had a lovely relaxing time at their house. 
 
What I loved about today, is a conversation I had with a student, about how blessed we are that our mentor would be with us in November and that the student would get to meet her also.  I mentioned to her that it did make me sad, that one day our mentor might not be able to join us anymore.  The student responded: 
 
“I know that the passion that has been ignited in our hearts for Logotherapy will continue to burn bright no matter what… ultimately we have to walk our own journeys and continue with what has been ignited in us.”  Z.S.
 
I felt that her words were so special and true… I felt excited to hear words of passion for Logotherapy coming from one of our introductory students so soon in her training… just lovely.  My heart was warmed.
 
Thank you for sharing with me
 
~ Panayiota

~ Saturday, 24th June 2017 ~ Continued from last post…
 
This morning, in an attempt to help myself out of the sadness-fog and to detach for a time from my work, I spent a little time out in my garden, planting some winter vegetables and herbs.  My left foot was still a little sore from the recent gout attack which I was still recovering from, but I took things easy and enjoyed the sunshine and fresh air outside.
 
That night turned into a nightmare from hell! 
 
I remember very little of it, other than the agonizing gout pain that had developed in my right heal.
 
All I remember of that night, was moaning and groaning in agony for hours on end… my right foot on fire – feeling literally, as if my foot was in a pot of boiling water… such was the intensity of the gout pain. 
 
I remember, just before bedtime realizing with horror, that it was an acute gout attack on the way and taking a hand full of medicines to try and stop it.  Taking medicines for gout pain, was something I would never do in the past, prior to this year… I just don’t like medicines at all and always felt that they were worse for my body than bearing the pain was, but I did take medicines for the previous gout attack this June and saw how well they worked, so this time, in desperation, I did not hesitate to do so again. 
 
At around 9pm, grasping for relief in desperation, I took, a herbal gout relief tablet, an anti-inflammatory (Diclofenac 25), half a Colchicine tablet, a vitamin C 500g, as well as popping an Arnica herbal tablet under my tongue… I was taking no chances at allowing the pain to continue… but the tablets did not work to alleviate my pain at all.
 
From that moment on, I remember only the burning agony, and somewhere around midnight, trying to wake my son to come and help me, because I just couldn’t take the burning pain any longer.  I remember, not being able to wake my son, so I took one of the medicine bottles next to my bed, and began to bang it on my bedside table, hoping that would wake him… I remember nothing else and woke the next morning around 08h45.
 
My son (youngest son), woke shortly after me and related to me of all that had transpired during the night.  I could not believe it!  He told me that between 1am and 4am, he sat in my room on my computer chair trying to talk me through my pain and responding over and over to my babbling and repetitive questioning.
 
“Will you be home from work tomorrow?” and “This doesn’t feel like reality – is this really happening”.
 
I gather from all he told me, that I had become delirious… maybe because of the combination of the medicines I’d taken, but why would they have taken so long to affect me in such a way.  I believe that it was more than likely due to the constant excruciating pain and utter exhaustion… but maybe all three.
 
What really surprised me, was my son telling me that I went to the bathroom three times with an upset tummy while he was awake … now that could have been as a result of the medicine combination I took before bedtime!  He told me that one time, he had to help me off of the loo, because I was in so much pain and weak from it all already.  I was truly amazed that I remembered none of it.  How on earth did I even manage to get out of my bed while I was in so much pain?  He said that I used my crutches to get too and from the bathroom.
 
My son proceeded to tell me, that around 3am, he could see that I was beginning to settle, but sometime before then, I’d asked him to take me to the hospital.  He had given me clothes to change into, and had gone out to the garage to fetch my wheelchair.   He told me that I had changed already when he got back from the garage, but he needed the bathroom by then… by the time he was done, he found me fast asleep.  I can only imagine that his comforting presence and loving care must have reassured me by then, and that the pain had finally started to lift, and between that and my complete exhaustion, I was finally able to fall asleep at around 4am, when he at last went back to his own bed to sleep.
 
Sometime during the night while my foot was still in agony, my son gave me another anti-inflammatory tablet, and said that I told him to take the medicines away from my bedside table, which he did.  He took them to his room… perhaps I was afraid I’d take more out of desperation. 
 
When I woke in the morning, the fire in my foot was gone… thank Heavens… so the worst was over.  For days I could not walk on the swollen foot because it was still very sensitive if I put any weight on it, but at least it was no longer on fire.
 
~ Sunday, 25th June 2017 ~
When my youngest sister Mira, heard about what happened the night before, she brought my son and I some chicken soup (for the soul) for lunch and some braaied chicken pieces and salad for supper.  What a blessing for us both, and just having her visit and show her loving care meant so much to me.  My other children called a number of times during the day to check up on me and it really helped to know that someone cared about what we had been through the night before.   I guess that these are the tender mercies that we hear about… the special blessings that shine a light into the darkness of difficult times. 
 
I felt grateful for their love that helped me through that day which introduced a new agonizing trial of its own…

Thank you for sharing with me... 
 
~ Panayiota

~ Saturday, 29th July 2017…  Diary entries, letters and notes compiled into a number of blog posts and posted in Parts ~
 
The following Blog posts in (Parts) are written about one of the hardest trials I’ve been through in a long time.  I’m going to share it semi-diary style, because I would not remember much if I didn’t do it that way.  I have been longing to put my thoughts and feelings from this time down in writing on my blog… to help myself to put things into perspective and try make sense of it all… 
 
I actually marvel at how I’ve gotten through it all to today… maybe due to hanging onto shreds of hope and small moments of joy in-between the struggles… and most importantly, feeling the genuine care and love of others during this time, especially my children and sisters… but I have to say, that this trial period that I’ve had to face which is not even over yet, I truly believed was where I would “draw the line” because at times it felt too emotionally excruciating to bear… but somehow, I’m still here…
 
Someone recently asked, “If you had a choice between happiness and purpose, which would you choose?” and I responded:
 
I only experience fleeting moments of happiness… There is a deep underlying sadness within me most of the time due to multiple experiences of abuse and loss throughout my life with my mother even having tried to abort me before I was born. If it was not for a deep sense of responsibility towards a perceived real purpose for my life, I don’t believe I would be here today. I am truly grateful for those genuinely happy moments that I experience from time to time and my purpose that I believe in and continually reach for that gives my life so much meaning. Studying Logotherapy in my 50’s has literally been lifesaving and life-altering for the better for me. Being alive today, to still have the opportunity to live out my life’s purpose and to see it through to its’ completion, even without a lasting true sense of happiness in me, is to me, my greatest achievement and my victory. If I can live long enough to complete my work, I believe that I will someday "die happy"…
 
Saturday, 17th June ~ I wrote to friends:
 
PRAYERS NEEDED PLEASE... My youngest son came home with a temperature of 38.8c degrees last night and his pulse was racing at 104 beats a minute... he's coughing more than ever, and that's after being on two doses of antibiotics at the same time... sinus medication and cough syrup.  I can't help worrying myself sick that he could have abscesses in his lungs again... I can't go through such a nightmare again with him... my poor boy!  He's hardly sleeping also with all the coughing. Heavenly Father, please help my boy get better.
 
I took him to the doctor again in the morning.  I wanted to be there to make sure the doctor takes this seriously. The last one wouldn't listen to me over a two-week period when I kept asking for him to have x-rays done.  He just kept dosing my son with more and more stuff... and in the end, he finally sent him for x-rays and that's when they saw the huge abscesses on his one lung and 2/3 of that lung had to be removed as a result!  My son was only 23 years old at the time!
 
While my son was in the operating theatre having the infected portion of his lung removed, my fifth grandchild (fourth granddaughter), was being born... I received the good news of her birth whilst my daughter and I were sitting outside the theatre so worried about what was happening to my son.  He was in the theatre for about four hours longer than they said he would be…
 
Talk about a huge conflict of emotions!  Oh, my goodness me, it was such a hard time.  Please God, as his mother, I don't want to ever go through that again.
 
Sunday, 18th June:  Spent the day at my brother and sister in laws house with my family to celebrate Father’s Day with my dad.  Thankfully, my youngest son was already responding to the new medications he’d been put on, so he opted to come with us and we all had a wonderful day.  I love spending time with my family so much.
 
Tuesday, 20th June: The whole scare with my son’s lungs, with the flashbacks to that awful time outside of theatre waiting for news that he was ok, has left me with extreme anxiety… confused… not comfortable at all, but just getting on with life and hoping the anxiety will go soon...
 

• I developed a not too bad stress induced gout attack around that time also and was still struggling to get around on crutches.

 
 
~ Written:  1st July 2017 ~
 
I can’t remember much about Saturday 24th June at all.  I remember some of the week before, only because I’d recorded it in my diary. 
 
On Tuesday, 20th June, my dear mentor let me know that she had returned to her home town after a trip overseas, to the 21st World Congress of Logotherapy.  On her 2nd day at the congress, she suffered a broken collar bone in an accident.  Courageously, after seeking medical help and having her arm strapped in position until she could return home again, my mentor continued on to fulfill her important responsibilities at the congress, even with the debilitating struggle and excruciating pain she suffered as a result of the broken bone.  What an incredible inspiration she is to all who know and love her.  What I found inspiring, was that while she was presenting and doing what she went there to do, she says that she did not feel the pain, and it was only in-between that she struggled to rest comfortably and dress herself as a result of the agony she was experiencing.  Thankfully, others at the congress stepped in to help her wherever they could, so she was not alone.
 
Once home, and as a result of her recovery needs, my mentor was no longer able to travel again to South Africa to attend our Introductory and Intermediate student end of semester workshops planned for July, so those had to be postponed.  I became busier than usual, with e-mailing backwards and forwards to our students, trying to organize a new date that would suit us all for August.  I had not even received all the letters back re: August from the students, when we decided to rather meet in November instead… and that’s when it all became too much for me…
 
I found myself sinking into a depression, as I worried about my mentor.  I worried about her suffering and felt pained that I was not able to be there to help her and her husband during her recovery.  I felt helpless and frustrated by the vast distance that separated us.  Thankfully though, a part of me knew that I was exactly where I was meant to be, as I was so caught up in being there for our students, some of whom had already booked flights and places to stay, for their July workshop.  My efforts and emotions were very much caught up in reassuring and being a support to them as they faced the need to change their plans and bear the disappointment involved in the postponement of the workshops.  In the process of trying to and wanting to be there for everyone, I became thoroughly overwhelmed…
 
A part of my heart ached at the idea that kept repeating in my mind, that there would surely come a time, when my beloved mentor and friend would no longer be able to visit our country anymore to run our student’s workshops.  Her workload is far greater than my own and traveling long distances from home twice a year, is not only expensive, but also exhausting I am sure.  I know how dedicated she is to her students and her work, but at the same time, I have to now face the reality, that nothing lasts forever, and all good things come to an end eventually. 
 
I feel, that I am not ready for the day of saying goodbye for the last time to this great lady whose total acceptance of me has taken me to new heights and possibilities of “me”, that I never would have expected, or knew before were possible for my life. 
 
Indeed, my heart ached thinking about the possibility of that sad day gradually approaching.  I had not been this depressed for ages, but on hearing of my mentor’s accident, and having a sudden, unsettling and stressful overnight increase in my workload, I allowed my mind to play havoc with thoughts of possible impending loss and I found myself in tears on and off, with only the responsibilities involved in my work holding me together at that time.
 
21st June: I recorded in the evening…
Have you ever been so busy that in the end, you just can't think anymore and you shut down, because there's nothing left... well that's me right now... been working flat out since 04h30 today... I just don’t have the energy to keep going any longer...
 
I became very, very sad to the core of my being.
 
Thursday, 22nd June
I was so tired I went to sleep at 20h30... early for my youngest son and I these days.  At 02h30 I woke wide awake... my mind back on duty again!
 
By last night, I actually had oedema in my legs... something I have not had in months! It's incredible how my body reacts to whatever's going on in my mind...
 
And my (far-away) daughter in law, is back in hospital with her heart problem... God bless her. I pray that they will do what needs to be done and stop stringing her along like this at the risk of her life... I worry so much about her and the rest of my far-away family.
 
Whenever I need to make sense of a situation I am struggling with, I find myself writing a poem.  Somehow, I find relief in recording my inner-emotions externally in this way, as if they have somehow been saved on the outside, so that they don’t have to burn so much on the inside.  This poem was about the sense of loss I was already experiencing at the thought that my mentor might someday soon say that she would not be returning to South Africa anymore.
 
LOST POEM WRITTEN ~ 22nd June 2017 (explanation on the 25th June ~ Part 3)
 
Thank you for sharing with me…
~ Panayiota