~ Posted 22nd January 2016 ~ I sent my friend, Mary-Anne a sweet little picture quote just to let her know I was thinking of her... she responded: (conversation shared with permission)
 
Mary-Anne:  Oh thank you Pan. You are such a super star.  I'm so busy catching up work after my holiday.  Could do with another one........hahaha.  Haven't had much time for catching up with friends.  Love you lots.  
 
Pana:  I'm also trying to catch up so I know the feeling... HUGS and lots of love coming your way.
 
Mary-Anne:  Need it at the moment.  Thank you dear friend.
 
Pana:  I'm, here for you if you ever need to chat...  
 
Mary-Anne:  Thank you.  Just feeling like I'm taken for granted with not much appreciation being shown.  Will get over it.  Big hugs for lifting my spirits.  
 
Pana:  It's really an awful feeling... I've known it too.  Especially as we get older it often takes away from our sense of belonging, independence and security in this world... a kind of empty hopelessness and threat to our future existence here... no real promise of love for tomorrow. 
 
Who will care for me and love me when I'm too old to care for myself?
 
I'm so sorry you are experiencing similar too...
 
God please bless my sweet friend...
 
I LOVE YOU  
 
Mary-Anne: You've hit the nail on its head. Exact feeling of being unloved, yet I know they do love me.  Also a feeling of being neglected.  I'm already feeling a lot better just chatting to you though.  Thank you dearest Pan.  
 
Pana:  So many aging people out there feeling the same feelings of being unloved, and as if they are “in the way” and unwanted... often having lost their original place in the family and society...
 
A bit like moving to another country and finding you have “good neighbours” who spend happy times with you every now and then... but you never feel invited or welcomed visit or to move in with them... a kind of distant stranger type friendship, even though you are still living close to family who you see from time to time.
 
Only... as you get older, your expectations from life and longings become so much more... while you gradually realise it's a fading reality and dream that's going to probably die out with you... so sad.
 
The last painful test life brings to us at a time we are becoming weak, stiff and frail sometimes with painful arthritis... Struggling to hold onto our failing independence and dignity... to bath and dress ourselves, etc.
 
“Back to being like children” people say... only... like children without loving parents to hold us and assist us in our needs... As if no one can hear our crying out for their love to assist our genuine needs...
 
Very often it’s hard for children to let go of the idea of a parent who is capable and in control of their life... to be able to take over and become the parent’s helper and nurturer.  Often an adult child is not ready to let go of the idea that their parents are supposed to be there for them.
 
I never even had a nurturing mother as a child, so it's hard for me to imagine I’d have someone there to care for me in my old age...
 
I hope I'm not depressing you more, but I'm sure many aging folk would identify with such thoughts, feelings and fears... we just never have anyone to talk to about it and because it seems that no one can hear us or cares about what we have to say anymore and we are afraid of making things worse for ourselves.
 
Pana:  I love old folk, so I'm very fired up on this subject as you can see... Like... don't get me started...  
 
Mary-Anne: I can see that.  Old age is not for sissies.  Lol.  Not depressing me.  I have seen this in my in laws and my parents. I must confess that I have at times been guilty of making them feel like that.  Must try and do better by my parents in future.  
 
Pana:  Love you Mary-Anne!
 
Mary-Anne:  Strange that we are needy as children and then again when we’re old. The age between being a child and an old person is very difficult. You have to try to divide your time between being a parent, working, your spouse, keeping house, school activities, church, social activities, sleeping and then still find time for your parents. Quite a balancing act. You know who comes off second best. We can’t gripe too much I suppose if there is genuine effort from their side to give us some of their time. Unfortunately there are many old people who have been abandoned by their families.  So very sad.
 
Pana:  Yes, when I nursed in an old folk's home I met many lonely old people who I learned to love dearly.  

I have learned to accept whatever genuine love comes to me and be very grateful for it no matter the portion.  But still, at this stage of my life, I have absolutely no confidence or comfort in the idea of getting older... no sense of security.  After my last agonising acute gout attack that lasted three months where I was very debilitated and very much alone bar for one or two caring people who popped in when they could for a few moments every now and then, I developed great trepidation at the idea of getting older and having to rely on others to care for me when I could no longer care for myself.  I even began to feel extremely suicidal and somehow knew that I would NOT want to live unloved and uncared for... in physical and/or emotional pain in my old age... for me, a very scary thought, even though I also know that my children love me dearly...

Just, everyone seems to be so busy these days... too busy. 

My loved ones, especially my grandchildren... and having other meaning potentials in my life keeps me 'wanting to stay' and for now... my book still needs to be finished... and other books I long to write... the hope of having them published someday... and counselling others means the world to me...

I'm not ready to go yet!
 
 
If anyone identifies with what Mary-Anne and I have discussed here, please write and share with me on my “Contacts” which will arrive via e-mail to me only.
 
 
Thank you
~ Pana

~ Complied… from 31st December 2015 ~ (e-mails edited to shorten – Used with permission)
 
A new friend, Amanda sent me a Christmas and New Year greeting and our conversation followed on from there...
 
Pana:  ...I’ve always struggled around Christmas time ever since I was a child growing up with abuse... special times were always turned into nightmares so it’s hard for me to keep my emotions in perspective at this time, but the Christmas experience seems to be getting better with every passing year for which I am grateful. 
 
I always did my best to make sure the Christmas experience was as wonderful as I could for my own children and it was easier for me to get through my own struggle when I had them to focus on and share the magical experience with, but I must say it’s a very lonely time now leading up to Christmas day and then the days afterwards when all that’s left is “the Nothing”... just long-lonely-empty days where I try to keep busy behind my computer again... (back in my bubble).  The day itself was super-lovely though with some of my family and special friends and I will keep those memories alive in order to help keep my emotional perspective in check.
 
What I am grateful for, is that yesterday (30th December 15), I wrote about my current feelings on my blog, but really struggled to decide if I should post it or not... knowing that there are probably more people out there who won’t understand and will think negatively about my post than those who would identify with what I’d shared.  Today I received a call from a special friend who read the post... she opened up about how much she had identified and how she was feeling suicidal at the time.  She expressed how she felt that she was living a meaningless life and finds herself at the bottom of the pit (existential vacuum) so often.   I reassured her that I will be there for her through her struggle any time she needs to chat, so she no longer needs to feel so alone. 
 
I also received two messages... one from an older lady who had experienced a huge amount of rejection over Christmas and therefore did not have “the Christmas day” she had been longing for.  We we chatted back and forth until I felt she was feeling a little better about her painful experience. 
 
The second letter was from another lady who identified greatly with what I had shared. 
 
I am now so grateful that I found the courage to share what I did, instead of worrying about what everyone else would think about me... fear of being judged, etc. 
 
My blog gives my life meaning... so it’s not about everyone else in the world... it’s about those who know what I know... who identify... people who need to know that they are not alone.  It helps me also to know I am helping others and this is what my life was all about... the wonderful purpose and meaning of my life. 
 
Friend:  Hi Pana, Thank you for sharing your journey with me.  I also feel that I sometimes have to hide the bad feelings that I experience.  I think what we do not realise is that many people feel the same kind of feelings, and that we tend to wear masks because we fear the judgement and rejection of others.  Even writing this to you I feel the nag of "fear of exposure".  Sometimes this fear (in my case) is because of the bad experiences involving people that I should have been able to trust.
 
2015 has been a year in which l came to understand myself better.  Although there is much work ahead.  While training to do victim support I started to remember (nicely packed away) the traumas that I had experienced as a child and then also as an adult.  I also began to see how it shaped me and caused me not to trust.  Although these traumas do not compare in the least to what others have experience, they do shape us into who we are.
 
The lady who heads the victim support in my area is an elderly doctor who I admire very much and through her belief in me and her trust, she has taught me a lot.  I also came to realise that I can never be happy unless I am helping someone in some way.  Even if it is only to make the sad, unhappy looking girl behind the till at Pick n Pay, smile.
 
Every revelation about ourselves helps us to understand our actions, motives and emotions.  I wish I could say that this resolves all.  But....
 
I think you and I could have long talks about this.
 
Keep well dear Pana and remember that you are not alone.
Amanda

Continued… 1st January
 
Pana:  What a lovely sharing letter dear Amanda, thank you! 
 
You will do so well when answering your task questions, to be as open and honest about your life and self as you have been in this letter.  That’s what the Introductory course in Logotherapy is all about... really facing who you are and in the process seeing a new and greater light of possibilities for your life.  It seems to me that you have already begun this journey and that Logotherapy has “picked you out” to reinforce and refine what you already know... you are truly going to love this course and know in the end that it did “find you”, because of how special you are and how far you have come and mostly... to help you find and/or refine your true purpose in life in the service of others... helping others with all that is uniquely “you”. 
 
I too am never fully myself unless I am helping others (accepting and loving others)... this is the calling of our lives... yours (as you have already shared), and mine.
 
Oh the things I could do if I could trust fully again... if only... so I identify with how destructive and debilitating “losing trust” is... Like a huge fortress that life built around us that we now need to find a way to chisel away at in a desperate attempt to regain what once was when we were children (or what was supposed to be)... carefree and full of trust in our world... Although I do believe that I knew well, before I was even born that I was not wanted... even hated... mother tried to abort me and I have somehow retained a subconscious memory even of that time that keeps my “no trust” wall quite firmly in place.  And with one blow after another all through my life, “involving people that I should have been able to trust”... even my one therapist... there are more walls up around each of the others that are already there creating an almost impenetrable fortress to keep what’s left of me safe inside...
 
To be quite honest... “Teria Shantall and my Logotherapy journey” is all that has stood between me and exiting this world since what happened with my therapist... They have literally saved my life on many occasions when the memories of that terrible time surfaced again.  
 
My work still connected to the LogoWorld gives my life meaning and a huge sense of responsibility, and keeps me too busy and fulfilled to fall back into that dark place of frightening and exquisitely painful memories.  I still have the LogoBook I wrote during my studies which needs to be completed... etc... These “blessings of hope and belonging” give my life true purpose and therefore keeps me going.  Meeting people like you, restores my hope in “the honest and true goodness” that still exists in this, “my world” and gradually gives me back some semblance of trust too...
 
I am grateful for all the reasons that Life still brings to me over and again, even against all the odds, to keep taking my chances on believing in the goodness of this world... even after the fact of all the times that trust has been cruelly stripped and broken in my life... My therapist was the last straw... I live in a state of constant mourning over the loss of my trust in my therapist... and I have never received any therapy for what happened... the sense of LOSS is sometimes enormous... there is no relief from “that trauma” in this world... but... I do believe in... “TRUTH will prevail”... it always does in the end.  I believe in that.
 
We have to keep on believing in something and be authentic and true to ourselves if we are ever to be stripped of those suffocating masks.  For me, this is the only way.  Like I say to people today... it’s “ALL OR NOTHING”... you either love me or leave me... there’s no more in-betweens for me... I’ve been hurt far too many times already and I am at last standing up for myself... NO MORE!
 
I love that you shared the words... “Even writing this to you I feel the nag of "fear of exposure"”... this shows to me your authenticity... so I know that I don’t have to guess who you are through a mask... I can believe in your genuineness right up front. 
 
You speak about the elderly doctor who helped you by believing in you... (Teria, in my case)... unconditional love and belief in us... and as Teria taught me and I know it to be true now more than ever... “Life never abandons us”... we are never alone... no matter how terrible our situation might seem or be... a little bird might come and sit on our window and stare into our eyes... a friend might arrive when we least expected it but most needed it, etc. 
 
When we start to see the signs and experience the ever-present blessings in our lives, we are able to live more gratefully and hopefully...  more authentically... to live “MORE”...
I could have written this line of yours myself... “I also came to realise that I can never be happy unless I am helping someone in some way. Even if it is only to make the sad, unhappy looking girl behind the till at pick n pay, smile.”
Learning to understand and see clearly how we “tic” as a result of our past traumas is truly a revelation to embrace as you suggest... we might never be fully “healed” from child abuse... who, ever is... but, through my studies of Logotherapy, I have learned to recognise and to take responsibility for my actions, behaviour, emotional states, etc.  I have learned to make better/right choices for not only my own sake, growth, healing, etc., but also for the sake of others...
 
Yes... I think we could have some wonderful talks and we should get together sometime...
 
And I can’t believe I am actually able to say that these days, because my trust has been so broken so many times, that I generally remain very isolated and have ways of keeping people “OUT” as opposed to “letting them in” to my world... Logotherapy has been an incredible “AWAKENING” in my life... for which I know I will be Eternally grateful!
 
Friend:  I have read and reread your letter many times.  I find it profound.  It brought tears to my eyes.  We (us and the human race) are so similar in the way that we suffer and the things that cause us to suffer.  I find myself often asking why other people cause us to suffer.  One of my conclusions is that they probably do not know any better.  The unloved have become the unloving the hurt have become the ones that cause pain.  I have read Viktor Frankl's account of when he left the concentration camp and fellow prisoners were wilfully damaging someone’s plants, he reprimanded them and their reaction was that it was their turn to basically get back at others.  (This is not the correct wording of what he wrote but... in a nutshell).  
 
This is what I think of when I think of past and present hurts.  I try to remind myself that I am not the cause of this behavior and that I have not and do not deserve this kind of treatment.  Not that it lessens the pain that much, but it helps me to understand and also realize that I am in a position (of understanding) not to perpetuate this kind of behavior onto others.
 
I feel at ease chatting to you and find your words very enlightening.  Through your words I have come to learn some more about myself. I will share at a later time.  I started typing about the experience and then realized that I actually want to mull it over some more before sharing.
 
When I look back at my life it feels like one of those small "maze ball games" that came in lucky packets.  We used to tilt them to make the ball negotiate the maze and reach the goal.  My "little ball" at least to my mind, has taken many wrong turns in my life.  I am hesitant to believe the adage that "everything that happens, happens for a reason".   So as you can deduct I feel many regrets.  I do believe however that I can learn through my mistakes and that I can learn to tilt my ball to follow a more correct path to self-fulfilment and meaningfulness.
 
Before I started back on the "service to others" journey, I became increasingly aware of feelings of meaningless and emptiness. I still some days fight the cycle between meaningfulness and meaninglessness (sheesh does that make sense). I must say that lately, I feel the scales tipping towards meaning more often than before.
 
Thank you for the link to your blog, I have not looked yet. I felt that I had to reply to you before I opened your blog. I sense through your writing that you are a kind and good person. I feel that I can trust you. I love the encouragement that you weave into your wording. It is very empowering for me to read. 
 
Pana:  Hello dear Amanda,  You are too lovely for words!  I’m so grateful that our paths have crossed. 
 
I agree with you and have found peace in knowing that others who have not walked in our shoes can’t understand... and those who cause us to suffer are at a different place in their journeys (spiritual development), and their struggles is therefore one that is still in progress as far as their journey goes, while we might be further along the path or our own journeys and in a completely different place of perceiving, coping, knowing, longing, behaving, thinking, loving, etc. to them. 
 
This is why unconditional love is the most powerful force of all... I feel that it is the only way for us to survive in this often very cruel world.
 
We cannot know better, until we have learned better... and what helps us to learn best is LOVE. 
 
Now I’m not saying that we need to be loving towards someone who is being cruel to us, because then we may as well be doormats and expect and invite troubles to come our way... but we can at least not be cruel back to them, which would destroy us in the process and keep them in a perpetual cycle of cruelty.  I even get upset when people send me political jokes for instance, because as far as I am concerned, that’s behaving just like the very one they are laughing about and thus creating further darkness for not only themselves but all.  I do not see any “joke” in “laughing at the darkness”.
 
We are what we think... we create our own destiny through our thought processes and actions...
 
We each have the power to change the world for good.
 
I love what a dear Jewish friend, Ephraim, said to me once... “With every good deed one person does, no matter how small, he/she changes the whole world for good”... How beautiful is that? 
 
Your words are profound: “The unloved have become the unloving the hurt have become the ones that cause pain”
I look forward to meeting you also... how wonderful... and I look forward to hearing what it is that touched you in our sharing... maybe you will decide to share it in your study tasks rather.
 
I LOVED those maze ball games and was pretty good at them... I love your example.  I was just telling my family this Christmas to save me their little trinkets out of their crackers for me... There’s still an inner child inside of me who loves to collect those... I was delighted with what I got this year that were left around after our Christmas lunch.  Things I once enjoyed when I was younger... a mini pack of cards... a fish that curls its head and tail on your hand... spinning tops... rings, etc.  Those were the only little blessings I was ever really able to hold onto as a child, that would remind me of those rare sweet moments that Christmas held for me back then.
 
So... I’m 59 years old, but still have joy in recapturing those small moments of real happiness (magic and hope) that I experienced as a child... too beautiful and fun!
 
I personally do very much believe that “everything happens for a reason”... looking back on my life, I have been able to put all the puzzle pieces together and have found so many answers to validate this for me.
 
Your words... “I still some days fight the cycle between meaningfulness and meaninglessness (sheesh does that make sense)”... make perfect sense to me... I do the same... the struggle is always there, but it gets easier and easier to deal with as time passes... as you are discovering.
 
Thank you so much also for your kind and beautiful words which encourage me too... bless you. 
 
I believe that if you can gain the complete trust of another person, it is one of the greatest achievements ever... so to be a person that others can trust... a person of integrity, is extremely important to me... I strive for that all the time.  I always said to my family... if I die, I want to be worthy to have “Woman of Integrity” written on my gravestone...
 
I’m a work in progress, so... I am grateful that for now, you feel you can trust me... I pray I never disappoint you or others who have put their trust in me.
 
~ Pana

Prepared for posting:  8 January 2016 ~ in response to yesterday’s post 7 Jan.:  (I AM HAPPY!!! ~ I wish the abusers would STOP!)

1.         Response to my post from a friend:
I SO relate to what you have written here Pana.  That's exactly how I feel.  It is really hard to change your mind set & to think differently.
                                                
I have always felt that if I love or feel too much, it will get taken away from me.  That's what has always happened. 
 
I have also felt that I make those I love so much sick & then they die.  I know that we don't have the "power" to do that, but that's how I feel.  It's all these things that haunt me.
 
I don't know if we ever get through the pain & trauma we have been through as a result of child abuse. 
 
Thank you for sharing xx

2.         Response to my post from Miryam Heiliczer: (Miryam starts her response using a line from my blog post...) 
"I am entitled to be happy... I AM HAPPY and it’s OK to be happy damn it! "
 
Absolutely, yes, indeed! Choose to be happy every conscious moment!
 
When we live in the moment - totally focused on the "now", we can choose happy and tell the bad to go to hell. Only when we dwell on the evil past we give it power to ruin our moment. 
 
My daughter, Penina, uses a great metaphor:
 
Imagine your home has two yards/gardens. One is in the back (represents our past) and one is in the front (represents today/tomorrow). The back yard is FULL of scattered trash, manure, dead and other compost material. The front is FULL of lovely things, beautiful grass, flowers, trees, a little path with benches to sit and meditate. 
 
Instead of sitting there on the bench and just taking in the sights, sounds and smells of this beautiful place, we get up, go into the house and out the back door and into the garbage dump of the back yard. 
 
We see a big shovel and a broken wheelbarrow and start shovelling as much trash as we can into that barrow. When it is full we wheel it into the house, dropping things along the way and come to the front yard and dump every bit of that garbage onto that beautiful and majestic scene. 
 
Why do we dig up the past and bring it into the now and the future?  Only WE have the power to bring it in or leave it in the past where it belongs.
 
We give "it" power to dominate and ruin everything in our present?  Only us.  And it is our choice to let IT control us, or we control IT!  We need to nullify its power and control.
 
Please enjoy your front yard in all its beauty and potential and leave the old where it belongs!
 
Sending love, prayers and happy vibrations your way.
Miryam
 
Penina Taylor:  http://peninataylor.com
Miryam Heilicze: https://thewellbalancedsoul.wordpress.com
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As an adult survivor of child abuse, I would like to add, that sometimes, we choose to leave the back door open and keep our eyes fixed on the garbage outside the back, or, sometimes strong winds might blow the door open (as a result of flashbacks) and fill the house with some of the rubbish from the back yard, but if we do not focus for too long on what has come into the house and instead quickly clean it all up (think logically about how it entered in the first place, and do whatever is necessary to deal with it and the emotions and any struggles it may have caused or evoked by its presence) it will not have any power over us.  With our house back in order, we can then close the door on the back yard again and go back to the peace and tranquillity of our front yard blessings ~ Pana
........................................................................................................................................
“Most times we cannot control the flood of thoughts that enter our heads.  If there is something that is disturbing creeps in we can take a second to acknowledge it, but then just "shoo" it away, don't offer this unwelcome visitor a chair or allow it to take up residence where it is not welcome!” ~ Miryam Heilicze
 
And don’t allow yourself to become a hoarder of unwelcomed junk! ~ Pana

~ Posted: 7 January 2016 ~
 
It was such a lovely day today and a quiet one in the office... so I don't feel bad about having taking the day off... I had so much fun with three of my grandchildren and my two nephews... we swam together, blew bubbles, played games and just had such a great day... and I started a new tradition... we had a “Happy Non-Birthday Party” for all the birthdays that where had during the year where I couldn't afford to buy lovely gifts for them or spoil them as much as I would have liked to... so I put a few treats together while my nephew, Alec baked the most delicious brownies, and we set everything out on the table and sang... "Happy non-birthday to you........" It was so funny and cool and the kids loved it! I'm sure they think I'm crazy... hahahaaahaa!!!
 
I got so many hugs and so much love again and my emotional batteries are thoroughly recharged!

But man... I'm exhausted... hahahaaa!!!  I’m going to sleep like a log tonight!

I thought about how much time my nephew Alec has been spending with me lately... showing me his video’s and stuff on his cell phone... laughing with me... and treating me like one of his special friends... he's 15 years old now... and I thought about how much I cherish these moments in time with him and wondered, if there might come a time when he's too old to hang out with his old aunty anymore... I sure hope not!
 
I hate that whenever I am so deeply touched by allowing love so close to my heart, that the hurt from the past allows me to go to the sad places in my emotional banks, where loss might occur again... like, today was so beautiful that I already imagine LOSS... all my life the good was always ended up being overtaken by the bad... like I could never hold onto the good that came into my life for very long... the monsters and ugliness of life always came to take it away over and again...
 
There are tears rolling down my cheeks right now... I ponder on their origin... Today was too beautiful... my emotions don’t know how to handle that... They become so confused... all in a muddle...
 
I let "Patty" out to play with the children today... and now, Patty’s many past losses have come back to haunt her in the moment... trying to convince me that I can never allow happiness to stay... I can never allow myself to get too close to anyone... that everyone who loves me will stop loving me eventually... that’s how it’s always been, so I’ve come to expect it to stay that way... nothing ever seems to change...
 
I feel angry also... so angry at my abusers who caused me this lifetime of emotional turmoil... if only they knew what they have done and continue to do, and the struggle they have caused... I wish they would STOP!
 
I’m so tired tonight after a most beautiful, beautiful day!  I cannot let “THEM” ruin the goodness and joy for me once again!  I am entitled to be happy... I AM HAPPY and it’s OK to be happy damn it!
 
~ Pana

~ Posted: 2nd January 2016 ~
 
I’ve struggled with agoraphobia for as long as I can remember.  It’s not serious, but enough to keep me pretty much stuck in my house.  If I need to go out, it usually takes me a huge amount of courage and sometimes even a few days to psych myself up, to beat the overwhelming anxiety that overtakes me to just get out of the gate...  but once I’m out of the gate, I’m mostly fine these days and generally enjoy my time out!  I love driving, so going places is not really a problem.
 
My son was home today, so the agoraphobia was not an issue.  I choose days that he’s off to do my shopping, etc., even if it’s only for him to go out to the car port with me and let me out the gate, then all goes well and he doesn’t even have to go with me most times, as long as I’m familiar with the place I’m going to and I’m just going to do a quick shopping trip at my regular local store, for instance.
 
Today he went with me and when we arrived at the mall, there was just so many cars and traffic.  He drove to the downstairs parking and had to drive around quite a bit to find a parking.  It was like driving into an oven... hot enough outside on the road, but totally claustrophobic in the underground parking area... I quickly started to feel quite suffocated... asked my son to roll down the car windows at the back to let in more air... it didn’t help much. 
 
Soon we were parked and walked into the mall... there were so many people and trolleys everywhere.  As we stepped onto the crowded escalator, I suddenly and unexpectedly started to “lose it”... and without much warning at all, I burst into tears!  It happened so fast that I was totally unprepared... a mild panic attack!  I felt very embarrassed with people going in the opposite direction on the “down” escalator next to us who could see us as we were going up. 
 
Feeling very trapped and embarrassed didn’t help one bit! 
 
A moment of sanity stood up for me... “Say something funny.”  I said to my son, tears streaming down my face... “I think I’m having a little panic attack!”
 
 
Looking up at him (he’s very tall), and seeing him laughing at my “humorous tear-filled comment” helped me to feel safe again... more grounded... so, by the time we reached the top, I was already wiping the tears away and we just got on with our shopping.  I remained tight chested throughout and even a little distant... almost as if all the crowds around me were moving in slow motion, but I was still able to get the shopping done with my son helping me and constantly talking to me, which kept me more on the surface as we went around, and luckily we found a very short queue on the way out and were able to go home.
 
I feel amazed that I had a panic attack big enough to bring me to tears... it’s been a good few years since the last time, before they stopped altogether.  In therapy, I was taught how to use an amazing Logotherapeutic technique known as “paradoxical intention” to help me with the regular and debilitating panic attacks I was having way back then. My panic attacks disappeared overnight once I used this method and it was astounding and so freeing to me to no longer have them anymore.  So today was a good reminder of how it used to be for me... and a wonderful reminder to me of how free I have been without them. 
 
I also know now that I might need to make sure I’m always with someone in crowded places, or to avoid them perhaps and rather choose less crowded shopping days. 
 
Whatever happens, I do not feel threatened by one panic attack after so many years... I understand the dynamics that brought it on and at least know where I stand with them at this time of my life.  It’s ok and I don’t intend on letting them take over again! 
 
I have learned that it is very liberating to learn and to understand why things happen to me, and know how to deal with them in the moment and also how to avoid them from happening again. 
 
Staying locked up in my house is never going to be a remedy for my agoraphobia or panic attacks...
 
My life must go on... too much to do still...

For more information about:
Agoraphobia:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agoraphobia
Panic Attack: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panic_attack

~ Pana