While my longing, dreaming days still existed, I once wrote…
 
Dearest Mother
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Your troubles must have been far worse than mine, with no one standing near,
No gentle mother to hold you close, instead an angry monster who filled you all with fear!
A father you loved, but could not trust, took your innocence away,
Yet somehow you chose the best of him, for the mask you wear today!
Forever lost in a state of turmoil, confused as you battle your deep pain!
Denying any weaknesses in you, as you continue to run from the shame!
Now I understand you at last mom, after all these difficult years,
Now I understand your bitterness and your agonizing tears.
Now I understand why you manipulate and hurt others the way you do!
At last I understand your motives, and what’s been eating away at you!
I understand you more and more as my own struggling years roll by,
No longer am I left confused and hurt, asking, “Why mom… WHY?”
How sad your own life must have been, how difficult to bear,
You must have been so lonely mom, with no one nearby to care!
No listening ears, no friendly hugs, no one to help you to be strong,
Yet you fought on relentlessly the way you knew best, and just struggled on and on!
You fooled the world into believing that you were totally in control,
But mom, you never once fooled me, as I watched the bitterness take its toll!
Yet you’re braver than you know my mom; you’re stronger than an ancient twisted tree,
And though I don’t want to end up as miserable as you, you are still an inspiration to me!
Don’t give up, though the way is long, keep searching for your truth!
Don’t let life take anything else away, as it did in your past and your youth!
Look up!  Look up, the sky is still blue, and God’s Love Has always been Real,
There’s always hope no matter what, and it’s never too late to heal!
 
~ Panayiota
(31 December 2004 – Though my struggle still continues, I do understand and forgive you mom, from your forever-loving daughter)
 
Why Must Your Daughter Cry?
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Mother, why don’t you love me?
So long my heart has ached!
Why don’t you stop the hurting games,
Designed only to make ‘you’ look great?
I know your childhood was so hard mom,
And no one believed in you!
No one was there when you needed them,
Or loved you just for you!
But mom, you cannot buy love,
Or cheat to gain your need!
You cannot manipulate for attention,
Or be ruled by such selfish greed!
You have to earn respect and love,
It has to find your heart true!
You cannot force it to your way,
Of make it entertain you!
 
Are you blind mom? Can’t you see?
I’ve been here all these years!
Holding all the love you need,
To melt away your fears!
But for some strange reason, you cannot accept,
Your daughters loving heart!
You never have and never will,
You’ve hated me right from the start!
You’ve left me confused and lonely!
You’ve tortured my very soul!
I just cannot succeed in being the one,
To fill your needy goal!
No matter how much I love you!
No matter how hard I try,
I’ll never succeed in winning your heart!
Oh, mother… Why must your daughter cry?
 
~ Panayiota
(28th February 2005)
 
 
I entered in my diary today ~ 20 June 2020
(“Patty” referring to my wounded inner-child)

​On Mother’s Day, in 2013 when my mother made it perfectly clear that she wanted nothing to do with my sister and I, I was at last able to stop longing and dreaming for her love… I was then able to exchange my longings and dreaming for another belief I chose to hold onto instead… the belief of a Heavenly Mother whose True, Nurturing and Unconditional Love had always been there for me and that She would be waiting for me with Her Loving Arms wide open to embrace me, one wonderful day, when I eventually go HOME.
 
The sad truth is, that after all these years, I would not trust or believe my earthly mother if she suddenly reached out with her love.  I had to get past all my longings and dreaming to find a place where I could eventually survive without her love.  The wall I put up to protect my heart from her constant bashings had to be a strong one… VERY STRONG.
 
If she were dying and could be brought to me, I’d take such good care of her until she passed away and show her all the love, dignity and worth she’d never really known as a result of her own horrific child-abuse experiences.  I wish somehow, that I could have the gift of doing that for her… to see her off with all my love, because my only REAL ACHING now, is to imagine her dying alone… I could NEVER wish that on her EVER. 
 
My prayer today, is that someone who lives near her, will LOVE her with so much tenderness and care, right through to her END and will be there to hold her and tell her she’s LOVED over and over, on the day she passes.
 
It still hurts mom… it still hurts… because I can’t stop loving you… and deep down, Patty’s aching and longing cannot be stopped… I have to keep adding more bricks to that wall… fill in each new hole that might appear… (that hole in my soul that is in my shape of you mom…)
 
Thank you for sharing this with me today
 
~ Panayiota
(For Patty ~ Beloved daughter of her Mother in Heaven)

I’m grateful for Facebook memories!  They are good reminders of where I’ve been and how far I’ve come.
 
I wrote on Facebook on the 1st of June, 2012 at 06h36
You all know that I LOVE going to my Logotherapy plenary session at Unisa once a month... I haven't missed a day it in the 4 years I've been studying there!!! Well... I was doing last minute preparations for the next session on Wednesday when I got a call to say another old church friend of mine was in a bad way and needed a bath and could I do that for her... so I dropped everything and went to help with that, only to find her in a really bad way and on her way out (soon to cross over the Veil)... I could not leave her in her hour of need, (one of my church mom's) so stayed all night to give her TLC... she passed away just before 10am on Thursday... so I missed my plenary session, but was rewarded instead by the wonderful privilege of assisting my dear old friend on her journey home. There could be no more spiritually beautiful experience (other than the birth of a baby). It was a very special time for me.
 
This reminder, took me back to the morning my old friend, Verna, passed away; she had been in a lot of pain during the night with no more circulation reaching her very swollen, grossly discolored legs and feet.  She called out for me over and over during her restless moments and I did all I could to comfort her and reassure her that I was there and wouldn’t leave her, I even sang church hymns to her… as a result, I had very little sleep that night.  But the next morning, some church sisters arrived to help me give our friend a bath.  We washed and dressed her, but literally as we put on the last garment, she began to take her last breath.  I remember being next to her and holding her head in the crook of my arm.  She was a feisty old woman, so I felt she wouldn’t mind a little humour in that moment, especially as the moment was shared with other sisters, and some young women who looked really horrified when I told them that she was on her way (about to die).  I said to the old lady, “That’s great, you wait until we get you all washed and dressed so beautifully, and then you decide to go”.  I remember a few smiling faces around the room when I said that, and I think it somewhat helped to ease the burden of that moment in time.  It turned out to be a very sacred experience shared with the other loving and caring woman, and I will never forget it.  My old friend passed away whilst I still cradled her head in my arms.
 
June 1, 2012 at 7:49 AM ·
Then I get home from seeing my dear old friend off to Heaven yesterday, and all I wanted to do was to bath... and guess what... copper wire cable theft right here on the corner next to our house, so we had no electricity for hours and hours... lukewarm bath only!
 
June 1, 2012 at 7:56 AM
Then... just to really make the day interesting... my ex-husband calls yesterday to say he's going on Pension with immediate effect and will shortly not be able to assist us financially anymore... (instant dire straits for us), because Andrew will not be able to earn much more than R2000 a month, and if he does, he will lose his disability grant and I would still have to find him a job. And... I am not ready to go to work yet! But you know what... I surprised myself by being very compassionate to my ex and thanked him for all he had done so far. My Father in Heaven has not let me down yet... I know that whatever changes are ahead for us, we will still be blessed one way or another. All I need is to keep trust and faith…
 
In May 2012, I had been on the most incredible and life-changing holiday to Israel.  A holiday that my top supervisor and greatest mentor, Teria Shantall, had invited me on, on merit of my Logotherapy Advanced course studies at the end of 2011.  She was there at Unisa that incredible day in 2011, when I did my first ever presentation in front of a group… (my Advanced course examination presentation).  I was petrified that day, I don’t even know how I managed to see that presentation through, but I had prepared well, and with the support of my supervision team and fellow students, I DID IT!  And as I finished, everyone stood up clapping and cheering at me… it was one of those moments that seemed totally surreal… almost an out-of-body experience… as if I was dreaming it.  And then I heard Teria’s voice… “This is going to Israel!” And that was that… May 2012, I ended up having the most amazing holiday ever… in Israel with Teria and new friends who I met there, and I even presented to two groups there. 

For my website, I use the picture I took from a mountaintop that I stood on in Israel, showing a vast dry valley leading into the Dead Sea because while I stood looking at that dry barren scene from the top of that mountain that day, I literally visualised that one day, there would be loads of water flowing through that valley, filling up the Dead Sea and bringing NEW LIFE to so many people, animals, plants and all as a result... I felt it was symbolic of my own life of healing and coming more to my TRUE self and life as it was always meant to be for me.
 
But only two weeks after I’d arrived home from that incredible holiday in Israel experience, I received the devastating news that my ex was no longer going to pay maintenance.  From that moment on, my life turned upside down… financially, we were broken, my mental integrity, shattered… I had to move home by the end of the year… find somewhere else to live… possibly lose my three lovely dog-friends in the process.  I had to deal with mountains of STUFF that had been hoarded in my home over the years!  It was a nightmare… and impossible task that had to be done!  If it wasn’t for my daughter’s friend, a young Indian girl named, Saiesha, who came regularly to help my youngest son and I to sort through the STUFF!  I don’t think I could ever have survived that move.  My other children did what they could to help also, but they were no longer living nearby, so it was a little harder for them to be there for me.  And church friends helped too on the odd occasion. 
 
I suffered so much stress that year, that I developed type 2 diabetes… IT WAS A HARD-HARD YEAR!  But also, one with such incredible happenings and times… and one filled with moments of love and caring and goodness…
 
On the 5 July 2012, my niece, Andrea, celebrated her 21st birthday.  It was at her party that for the first time, my lifelong dream of dancing with my Dad came true.  I honestly thought I’d missed that golden opportunity, but it happened… a pivotal moment in my life… the memory of it, also helped to pull me through some of the worst times during the 2nd half of 2012.   
 
Here are two poems I wrote toward the end of that year, expressing the excruciating state-of-mind I was battling with as part of the grieving processes I was going through as the time came closer to moving away from all that I’d known for 30 years of my life.  I was really struggling greatly to get through that house move and all the sadness, loss, threat of loss, lonesomeness and uncertainty it involved! 
 
SADNESS!
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Sadness wants to be who I am whether I like it or not
Surely this was not meant to be my eternal lot
It will not leave me – it will not let go
It is what it is – it is just so
All through the years sadness has chosen to stay
With its hunched back stance and it’s destroying way
There sadness just sits inside of me
Staring downward forlornly at a wet muddy sea
And the tears from my soul keep spilling down
And the lines on my face have engraved a sad frown
And I’m dying you know… a bit more each day
Because sadness won’t let me live and it won’t let me play
 
How dare sadness have such a hold on my heart
How dare sadness choose to tear me apart
How dare sadness rule who I am all my life
Twisting my soul causing nothing but strife
How dare grief overshadow my days and my nights
What about ‘my’ feelings? What about ‘my’ rights
But sadness cares nothing for who I should be
It just won’t let go its strangling grip on me
And so I am tortured each and every sad day
Where I am so lost I can’t find my way
 
Sadness has trapped me too long in its miserable dark world
Where no one can see I’m so sorely embattled
I must not allow its destructive treachery
I must rise against “it” to reclaim “life’s victory!”
And if I die before I succeed, please say to the world this of me
“She did all she could to be free
She never gave up her healing quest
She always worked hard to become her best”
She succeeded in bringing healing to the sad world out there
With all of her loving and all of her care.
 
~ Panayiota
(28 August 2012 – Please help me dear Father in Heaven… I so want to be happy)
 
HOW?
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How do I rid myself of the anger and pain
To rise from this turmoil that teeters on insane
How will I make it through the chaos and fears
That have tortured me daily all through the years
 
How do I risk continuing on this journey of life
When death won’t stop knocking and causing me strife
How do I stop the endless tears
That flow like the river of “Nobody Cares”
 
How do I learn to love who I am
Without more devastation caused by my guilt and shame
How can I forget what “they” did to me
How will I ever, ever be free
 
I have to believe that there must be a way
And just keep moving forward to face each new day
For someday a Miracle will switch on “the light”
Banishing the darkness of this endless, tormenting night.
 
~ Panayiota
(7th September 2012)
 
I sometimes wonder why I am tested with so many contrasts and ups and downs, but, whatever happens, I have learned that it is the contrasts that help me to REALLY THINK… TO WEIGH UP MY LIFE… to make better CHOICES… to learn to discern the differences between WRONG and RIGHT…  GOOD and BAD… TRUE and FALSE, and how to GROW and HEAL… taking on more and more RESPONSIBILITY and exercising my INTEGRITY in the process!  I want to get LIFE right!  I will NOT stop trying to do so. 
 
It seems as though I always have to FIGHT my way through the tough times, to reach the other side… many of those times are DO OR DIE situations… and somehow, I always, ALWAYS choose LIFE!  I believe that I am here for a purpose, and that gives my life the will to meaning that I need to keep moving forward. I also KNOW that I'm not alone in this world... Heaven is still with me and so often lets me know in one way or another.
 
I look at how far I’ve come since 2012… WOW!  And there must be more… I will not give up my quest for more healing and more growth until my last breath is taken in this world… NEVER!
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~ Panayiota