​My last blog post was about experiencing this kind of mourning loss... so, it absolutely amazes me, how the very words I need to express what I am feeling, come to me so often on Facebook, or from whatever source like this at around the same time I need just the right words.  Almost as if Life itself is supporting me for some reason... This helps me to feel that I am being watched over and I'm not alone in this Universe... that my deepest most painful feelings are authenticated by someone, somewhere… and so, I am strengthened repeatedly, to go on...
 
Some incredible force out there understands where I'm coming from and why... The whole world might judge me, but someone else, somewhere, LOVES me very much and holds me in Their Hands… I like to believe this is my God… and all in Heaven, including my ancestors who I believe are with me in prayer and support because they can see the whole picture from their Heavenly vantage point.  I also like to believe that it also comes from those rare and beautiful, who genuinely love and care about me, right here in this world.
 
The more I think about it, the more I am sure that I’m “coming from” a place of too much love and I am so often condemned for expressing the pain that is caused, for speaking out about how much it hurts when the kind of love I expect is not returned, or I cannot find it in the same measure in this world...  It so very often feels as though I do not belong to this world... like, I am an alien here...
 
But I know and I’m reminded so often, that I am being watched over and being helped along the path of my life for some reason that is uniquely designed for me.  I believe that this is the same for everyone in their own uniqueness of and for being. 
 
I love this quote found in our Logotherapy, Introductory course, workshop manual:  

​Yesterday, 25th February, was the memory of my beloved Greek mother’s passing in 2004.  I call it her “Love Day”.  She was actually my step-mother, but I always imagined her as my own true mother, or spiritual mother, because she was so kind and loving to me when I was a child… in stark contrast to my biological mother who struggled to be loving and kind.  

I wrote this morning 26th February:
Yesterday I sat alone with my memories of my Greek mother... I could not find anywhere, except here on FB where I could share my feelings, because things have gone so horribly wrong due to hurt trust between certain of my family and I… and they are slipping away so fast that I cannot find my way back to them anymore... it's like my childhood dream of their love has been smashed to pieces and I can't find all the pieces to fix it... Losing that part of my family, means losing my connection with my dad also... but part of me wants that, because it's less painful than the fact that I can't reach him anymore anyway... to really get to know him as my father, and not just the magical, wonderful far distant fantasy that I am still grasping onto with childhood longings of happier times to repeat over and over again... where daddy used to spoil us when we visited him on school holidays, and he took us to the train park in Bulawayo to ride the mini steam train and enjoy delicious scones with cream and strawberry jam from the little store there... I couldn't see over the counter which I reached up to hold onto, standing on tiptoes... trying to be big enough to see what the attendant was getting ready for us to enjoy... that's practically all I can remember of daddy as a child... those wonderful visits to the train park... and our tummy's tickling when he drove up and down the toad humps and dips on the Bulawayo streets... I know there was some kind of history related to those humps and dips in the road... something to do with the wagon days if I remember right.  But we loved daddy riding fast up and down those so much!  We would always giggle with delight.  I wish I could remember more... but that's all I've got and I've clung so tightly to it over all these years... 
 
There's been too many losses in a short space of time, and lost hope gone out the window along with the loss off trust in people and life again...
 
I just needed to release this into the Universe, because it's too hard to hold alone inside.
 
Last night, still feeling very sad after a day alone with my thoughts of my Greek mother, I wrote two poems before switching off my light and going to sleep.  I just remembered I’d done those this afternoon and went to find the pad that I’d written on next to my bed.  I could not even remember what I’d written before I read over them now… I guess I just needed to unload last night, so that I could sleep.  For some reason writing helps me so much to unload some of the internal weight of burdens… once they are out, I feel they are safely stored, and I am lighter inside as a result.
 
SHINING GOLD
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
You’re looking for something to judge her for
Because it’s easier than trying to understand
You’d rather step out of the picture
Than take her by the hand
To help her come back from that desolate place
Where she gets lost again and again
You’d rather judge and reject
Than help her through her pain
 
And so, she drifts even further
Until the fog manages to block out your light
And once she’s gone that far away
There’s nothing left to fight
It’s almost completely over now
Soon THE NOTHING will be all that’s left
Numbness will stop the aching
Of her heart that is now so bereft
 
Don’t try to call her back
Once THE NOTHING has taken its’ hold
For all that’s left will be pitch darkness
Where there used to be Shining Gold.
 
~ Panayiota
(25 February 2019)

UNTIL HER GRAVE
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
The only time I ever really knew my daddy
Was when I was a little child
Where so often I dreamed he’d rescue me
From my mother vicious and wild
 
But he lived too far away
And never came to save
And the little girl inside of me
Will keep on longing until her grave
 
~ Panayiota
(25 February 2019)
 
 
On Saturday 23rd, my lovely daughter took me to visit my dad, but because my trust is so broken at this time and the distance keeps growing between my family and I, I felt quite uncomfortable there… even though they were being kind… I did not feel as though I belonged anymore.  My dad didn’t know that… I believe that he still loves me, but it’s a difficult situation for me, because I feel his love on the level of my inner Patty… daddy loves Patty still, just like many years ago when Patty and her sister used to go visit him and Greek mommy on our school holidays.  The only problem now, is that daddy can’t hear anymore.  I can’t speak to him and get to know him in the way that an adult child would know their dad… my adult relationship with him feels foreign… I’m too shy to battle to get him to hear and understand what I’m saying… so I sat quietly like a pumpkin and felt like a fool there were everyone would have expectations of me… Without the expectations, I would be happy and relaxed, just to be sitting quietly in the presence of my dad… to be with him more on the spiritual level that my heart really desires these days.  My daughter chatted with him occasionally, also with difficulty, but she’s a whole lot bolder than I am…
 
I FEEL LIKE I REALLY AM AN ALIEN!  I DO NOT BELONG!
 
Then when the rest of the family arrived home, everyone chatted over my dad… and he just sat there like a pumpkin… HUMPH!  I wondered how he feels, not being able to be a part of conversations because of his deafness…  
 
BLESSINGS FROM HEAVEN
Literally moments after I arrived home from visiting my dad, (feeling a widening of the hole in my soul), I received two WhatsApp messages that were quite unexpected, and worded as if the senders knew exactly how I was feeling in that moment in time.  The messages were from two people who I had not heard from in some time… amazingly two Jewish friends again.  Their messages convinced and reminded me that I am indeed being watched over, and I am loved.
 
The first which came with a most wonderful video, was from my mentor.  She wrote:
“Shabbat Shalom, dearest Pan.  Sometimes and so many times our lives are shattered by the cruelty and lovelessness of others” 
 
I was confused as to why she said that without knowing what I was going through on the day.  I thought maybe there was something wrong on her side, but she assured me all was well, other than, cold sniffles.
 
If I can ever find the link for that video, I will share it here.  But as I have been unable to find the link so far, I will post the video on my Patty’s Keys Facebook page if anyone would like to go see it there.
 
Then the second special WhatsApp came almost immediately after from one of our dear Logotherapy students who I also haven’t spoken to in ages… he wrote:
 
“Pan, I heard about your sister and I wanted to wish you long life.  Stay strong, you are the backbone of the whole institute.  We need you more than you know.”
 
Now, I’m not so sure about being the backbone of our Logotherapy institute, but his words at that exact time were such a blessing to me and so uplifting…  That he felt this way about the work I do and me… I felt overwhelmed with gratitude to him and to Heaven.
 
 
Nevertheless, I still felt rather anxious for the rest of the day, and on the way to pick up my son in the evening around 19h30, I honestly felt really afraid.  The roads are mostly not lit up well and there were very few cars.  There are a few turns just before my son’s workplace that I find particularly isolated, dark and scary.  As I took the first turn, I noticed through the corner of my eyes, two men standing back, almost as if hiding in a bushy dark area and dressed in dark clothing… I turned the corner really fast so that if a hijacking was planned, I’d be moving too fast and hopefully be saved… but as I took the corner, I noticed that a white car was parked diagonally across the lane I was in, and another man dressed in dark clothing walking around the back of the car towards the side I was taking over on… I took over so fast, fear gripping me to the very core!!!  I have not had that kind of fright in a long time.  I hate that I have to keep travelling that scary road alone so often at night!  When I arrived at the shop, I walked over to the security car that sits there at closing times and told the man inside the car what had happened and asked if someone could go make sure that it was safe there.  The man drove off immediately, and when he returned, he let me know that the two people in the bushes were waiting for a lift, and the police had also already been to where the car was parked, and it was only a break down… he said that it was a man with his wife and baby in the car.  So, it wasn’t some big scary hijacking plot after all, but it could easily have been… and I was scared half to death by it!  I literally felt physically ill for a good time afterwards and could hardly hold my head up in the car while I waited for my son to lock up shop and come.  He bought me a sugar free chocolate that did help a bit… eating when things go wrong seems to be my comfort thing!  Best tasting chocolate ever!
 

I would soon like to share with my readers here, one of my 23 metaphorical therapy stories that I wrote during my therapy journey about visiting my Greek family when I was a child.  I hope to post it soon… it is one that is really close to my heart and wish to post it in honour of her.
 
​
My dear friend Dana just sent me this picture she’d put together of my Greek mom and I… she says we look alike.  I remember my niece saying the same soon after my Greek mom passed away and one of my students said it recently also when she saw a picture of her.  It means so much to me that anyone would think so… Heaven is so kind.  (My Greek mom's name is Efimia)

Here is a most beautiful story called “A Mother’s Walk” (not written by me), that I kind of dedicated to my Greek mom after she had passed away:  https://llerrah.com/amotherswalk.htm
 
Thank you for sharing with me
 
~ Panayiota

Shared with Helen’s permission
 
This friendship celebration video popped up on Facebook last Wednesday and Helen and I shared a very special moment as a result
 
Helen
We almost go back a whole lifetime 😊❤x
 
Panayiota
Yes, my dear BFF, Helen... it feels like a whole lifetime to me also that we have been friends... I lost most of my memories from before and while we were BFF's in high school...
 
YOUR precious name “Helen Henderson” was literally the only treasure I still held in my heart from that time onward. And, even though I didn't remember who you were (I remember how hard that was for you when we met up again... you had to fill in all the blanks of our beautiful nerdy-innocent-giggling friendship and past together as best friends in High School) ... I never let your name go and was so blessed that we found each other so many years later here on Facebook when I was going through intensive therapy and needed to find out who belonged to that precious name that stayed with me for so long... that seemed to be connected to something GOOD... someone LOVED... and someone who must have LOVED and BELIEVED in me.
 
I'm so grateful you filled me in on the beautiful and very strong and meaningful friendship we had during those years that my little sister and I suffered such terrible abuse, not only inflicted by our mother during our early childhood onward... (emotional and physical), but also at the cruel hands of our stepfather, which you were able to confirm for us, because of things we'd shared with you way back then. (regularly molested, raped and beaten) My sister does not remember her portion of the abuse, other than some of what our mother had done to us and that our step-father's brother... about the same age as us… maybe a year older if I remember right, had raped her in a very scary and suffocating water drain near our house.
 
It was in my 50's that YOU dearest Helen, turned the LIGHT of my life back on, by illuminating what was actually GOOD in my life during that nightmare time during our adolescence when we knew each other... YOU were that life-enhancing GOOD I had never let go of.
 
That's why I remembered your name when all else has been blocked from my memory as a result of the abuse.
 
THANK YOU FOR BEING MY BEST FRIEND BACK THEN, AND FOR REMEMBERING ME!
 
BEST FRIENDS FOREVER!!!!
 
Helen
Thank you for your beautiful posting dear Panny-pie ❤. Yes, I remember all the fun we had together and most of all the laughter! I am glad you confided in me when we are at school and I was able to remind you that you told me of the abuse by your Stepfather. You never mentioned your mother abusing you though and it's only since we reconnected on Facebook that you told me the rest. You have climbed mountains since then my dear friend and from here on the world is your Oyster. Onwards and upwards 😊😊😊❤. Friends forever. Love ya ❤🌻🌼xxx
 
Panayiota
Bless you for being one of the greatest joys and healing strengths and loves of my adult life... you will always be in my heart and I'm so glad we were able to reconnect and catch up on so much of all that was lost... and what was so preciously kept so locked up somewhere deep inside of me.  
 
NOBODY... not even my mother or stepfather could completely obliterate my lovely memory of you which I held sacred in your name... I still had your precious name, even though they succeeded in taking so much of everything else away from me and even stole your face from my memory... I will always love you my dear, lovely FOREVER friend ❤ Have a beautiful day ❤
 
Helen
Bless you my dear friend. Friends forever. Have a beautiful day ❤x

​I actually finished this blog post, before the last one about my sister’s passing.  The more I tried to write the last blog post, and the more I ached and cried over the loss of my Anne’s incredible support and her unconditional love for me, the more I also ached over the losses I’d already experienced in this world, because of people whom I think I loved too much.  People who had somehow (even inadvertently) succeeded in making me feel unloved, unwanted, unneeded and rejected in one way or another…
 
(Book: “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood) A lady at our church once did a talk on this subject to a group of women and gave us each a handout that she had compiled from the book… that little handout was lifechanging, because it showed me what one of my major struggles were.  If I can ever find that printout, I will share it on my blog.
 
So, this blog post I am writing now, is one needing to be written NOW (18th February)… it has kept worrying me so much that I had to write it first, before I could give my full attention to my sister’s one, because I could not rest while it has been weighing me down with the emotional pain it has been causing me.  I will post this one though after I’ve finished and posted my sisters… and then, as soon as I can find time again, I will finish my writing about my sister in another blog post.  When that’s done, I hope at last, I will be able to rest from all this (raincloud over my head) emotion… perhaps that will be what “closure” will mean for me.

​I understand that they probably never meant to make me feel that way… it was never their intention and that they might have already been giving me all that they had to give… but because I still struggle with living with childhood fantasies of their True Love, and how I always imagine it should look like and be, they were not able to give me what I was missing… (what was either never given to me as a child, or taken away from me during my childhood and beyond.)

I once wrote:
 
THE MISTRUST WALL
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How strong can a Mistrust Wall be,
That not even my love can pull it down?
I would have thought that my love could pull it down!
My love is strong, very strong!
But just not strong enough to pull down my Mistrust Wall!
 
STRONG AND TALL, WIDE AND STRONG!
HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE WALL!
 
I put it there myself – Me!
Surely, I can knock it down!
But the pain in my heart is too great!
Too often I’ve felt let down by those I’ve loved!
TOO OFTEN HURT!
 
THE WALLS GO UP EASIER NOW!
FASTER, STRONGER!
 
Every time I see you… I hurt,
I feel the pain all over again,
And another row of protecting bricks
Is placed on top of,
MY MISTRUST WALL!
 
How can I let this happen?
And yet I can’t seem to stop it!
 
THE DAMAGE IS DONE!
The Mistrust Wall is up!
FRIENDSHIPS LOST!
 
Love will soon stop trying to knock down the wall!
Love will give up in the end,
And our connection will be lost!
FOREVER!
 
But I know it’s never too late!
I know there must be a way!
If only I can find it!
I’D KNOCK DOWN THAT DARN MISTRUST WALL!
 
I MUST FIND A WAY!
 
I still need you!
I still love you!
 
~ Panayiota
(4th January 1999)
 
From my experience, the people I built the wall between very rarely come back to it, and if they do, it's not the same anymore, because trust is already too broken on both sides.  They often don't know how to help me break the wall down, or they don't want to, because the reason for me putting up the wall in the first place proves to be true.  So, most of those awful walls stay forever... sometimes they become vaguely transparent for a while, but they rarely come down.  The loss is very painful (I experience it as a death in most cases), and the longings seem to be forever...
 
Until I once again reach finality of that “What’s the use?” place again, where I learn to let my longings go, because my pain is too much to hold on anymore... and when I do that, there's no longer a way to penetrate that wall from either side... THE END...  :'( 
 
I’m working hard at not building the walls in the first place… but they seem to happen so easily sometimes, in those places where I LOVE and I NEED most, and where I expect and long for love to be the most… and for some reason or another, can’t seem to find it there. 
 
This awful wall building, self-destructive behavioural pattern takes away even the little goodness and togetherness that could have stayed… The better than THE NOTHING part of the relationship…

​But, unfortunately, I am in the ALL-OR-NOTHING phase of my life… NOT a good place, I admit, but I’ve been hurt too many times in the past by those who should have, and those I believed should have loved me… and today, by those who I believe should still be able to love me beyond my emotional weaknesses and outbursts. 
 
It takes me a long time to reach the point of outburst… it takes a whole lot of pushing through the feelings of being unloved, judged and rejected, to the point of eventually pushing me over the edge of my enduring strength.  It takes a whole lot to get me to that place of giving up on my “fantasy” of what should have been… what I imagine LOVE should look like.
 
I HATE THAT HORRIBLE, LONELY PLACE AND THE EMPTY-ENDING AND PAINFUL-NOTHINGNESS THAT FOLLOWS IT!

Another time I wrote
 
CRASHING WAVES!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I’m back on the island of ‘Lost Hope and Lost Dreams’ again,
Where the hundred-foot walls block out all the worlds pain.
Where disappointments and sorrows can’t reach my heart,
Where I find refuge from anguish, by staying apart.
Only, inside these walls where darkness prevails,
My sorrows haunt me, and disappointment ails.
For its empty inside and it’s cold to the bone,
Because no one can enter, and I stand all alone.
The waves on the outside crash relentlessly,
On the walls that were built to keep sadness from me,
Yet the tears on the inside constantly flow down,
And I live in the fear, that still, I might drown.
And no one will know or care when I’m dead,
And the emptiness tears at my heart filled with dread.
For I have so much love still to give to this earth,
Where I’ve known so little since the day of my birth.
 
But no matter how far this island at sea,
Or how tall and strong the walls around me,
My Father has always found a way in,
For He Knows where I’m hiding, and He Cares where I’ve been.
He’s Heard all the cries of my soul to the sea,
And when all else reject, He Stands Steadfast by me.
For His Love is Eternal, and His Friendship is True,
He helps the walls crumble when Hope’s Ship comes to view.
He Knows I will sail on it again and again,
Trusting it will take me to the ‘Land of Love and No Pain’.
 
But somehow the storms know just where to go,
And I’m shipwrecked quite often near this island I know.
I’ve been here so often, I’m used to it now,
And still the waves crash on the walls that surround,
And I’ve come to expect their tormenting sound,
Of judgment and persecution, where peace can’t be found.
 
~ Panayiota
(25 March 2003)
 
This popped up on Facebook the other day

​I looked up INFJ on the internet today and kind of identified with what I found there, although I have not studied up on this whole personality concept yet and not sure I will find time to in the near future…  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/INFJ
 
A quick insert from the article
 
I – Introversion preferred to extraversion: INFJs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extraverts gain energy). [5]
N – intuition preferred to sensing: INFJs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus on the big picture rather than the details, and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities. [6]
F – Feeling preferred to thinking: INFJs tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic. [7]
J – Judgment preferred to perception: INFJs tend to plan their activities and make decisions early. They derive a sense of control through predictability. [8]

​My second son honoured me greatly during a phone call conversation the other day, when he said to me, that he was so grateful that I'd taught him and his siblings to say, "I love you", because he's also noticed how few people are able to say those words to one another these days.  

My son told me about how he is still able to text those words to friends from his past, and recently to one of his closest friends from his childhood who spent a lot of time with us growing up.  He loved that Justin is also able to close off his messages with "I love you brother".  

I never really knew such love as a child, but somewhere along the way, I learned to love... to love very deeply... even too deeply... so for me, saying "I love you", is as natural as breathing.  LOVE is very much a part of who I am.

When I write or say, "I love you", I really mean it from my heart... I feel it... it is real to me.  The only times when I don't write it, is when I feel I might have hurt the person I'm writing to, and I feel unworthy to even use those words that are so sacred to me... unworthy of "their" love... so how dare I insult them with my love... if that makes any sense at all...  

Thank you for sharing with me today
 
~ Panayiota

​Patricia Anne Theresa Shaw… nee Ryall
 
A letter to my Anne
My Beloved Sister Anne.  When we met, we very quickly became best of friends.  We both went by the name of Pat at the time, and you confided in me, that you always preferred your middle name, Anne, and I confided in you that at the time, I really hated being called Pat. 
 
(Pat was never meant to be my name!  But I have finally accepted being called Pat in my 60’s… I’ve given up fighting it… it just doesn’t matter anymore.  The people who still called me Pat, even my dear old daddy, matter for more to me than the name.  Anyway, I have recently learned to really accept and love my inner adolescent sub-personality, Patricia, and to honour her place in me and with me at last).
 
My sister, you told me how much you loved the film, Anne of Green Gables, and how much you loved the very close friendship of Anne and Diana in the film, and so, from then on, I referred to you fondly as my Anne, and you called me Diana.  I kind of got used to being your Diana, and having you as my beloved Anne.
 
We had very little face-to-face contact over the years, because you had moved to the other side of the world shortly after I married your brother.  (You always knew him as Alan, and to us and practically everyone else who knew him on this side of the world, he was Wally.)  Because you lived so far away, most of our beautiful friendship over the years was lived and experienced through letter writing, phone calls and Facebook. 
 
My sister, I have so much to be grateful for, because of you.  You totally supported everything I chose to do that was geared towards healing myself and others, and most especially, adult survivors of child abuse.  You supported and encouraged my psychological, spiritual and educational growth, and you were excited to hear all about the things that I was studying and learning.  You were truly interested in all that I did.  As a child, I never had anything like what you gave to me in my adulthood.  You rejoiced in my serving others as a counsellor, basic computer trainer, secretarial administrator and so on.  Your incredible support spurred me onward and upward to continually reaching for the stars. 
 
You were always so patient with me, even in my weaknesses, my angry moments, my outbursts and my tears.  It seemed that there was nothing I could do that would ever make you give up on me… you were always… ALWAYS there no matter what.  One of the most reliable, longsuffering, faithful, truly loving friends I have ever known.
 
It did not take long for us to completely drop the idea of being “in-laws” … you had always wanted a sister, and over the years, we became true sisters in ever sense of the word… maybe not biological, but most definitely spiritual… soul sisters of the purest and most beautiful kind.
 
I often wondered why Heavenly Father kept me so far apart from you and all the people I loved most in the world… a cruel separation I often felt… even from the dear ones who live nearby today (so close, yet so far)… feeling so alone… unfathomable distances, unreachable hearts… created by miles, or by judgement, or lack of understanding and true love.
 
But you my sister… no matter how far away you were at any one time, you were one of the closest to my heart.  The reason for this, was because you always believed in me and I KNEW IT.  Your love for me, I believed with every fiber of my being, that it was TRUE.  You never gave me any reason to doubt your love… I trusted your love… I trusted YOU completely.  Do you have any idea what a gift that was for me… to be able to trust that completely.
 
Having you in my world was my saving grace… in fact, you literally saved my life time and time again as a result of your never-ending love.  

​Yes, my sister… but you also believed in the PERFECT me, even though I couldn’t see that part of me for myself.  You were practically the only one in the world, who could see through all the tears and brokenness of my spirit.  You focused on the RIGHT me, helping me to build on that part of myself, and you helped me to make sense of all my confusion and turmoil.  It was because of you, that I started this journey of putting all the puzzle pieces of my life back together and in order, so that I could find the drive and courage needed, to find my healing.
 
“Something meaningful draws us out of ourselves – it enlarges our vision, enriches us and causes us to grow: to become bigger and better than we are.  Frankl quoted Goethe as saying: “If we take a man as he is, we make him worse; if we take him as he ought to be, we help him become it” (Shantall, 2002, p. 19) ~ Life’s Meaning in the Face of Suffering

​I will always love you, my sister… my Anne

♥
 
Dear Alec (Anne’s husband) was also very much part of my survival strengths over the horrible years that I was married to Wally (Alan).  I often leaned heavily on Alec for his advice and guidance.  He was so wise and helpful in so many ways.  Alec passed away a good few years ago, and my Anne often expressed her great longing to be with him again.  She loved and missed him so much.
 
Wally was Anne’s older brother (as I mentioned before, she knew him as Alan… the order of his forenames on his birth certificate though was, William Alan).  Anne and Wally, both grew up in a state of poverty and extreme neglect, and Anne experienced cruel emotional abuse and lack of loving acceptance from her parents, but especially through her mother’s treatment of her, or lack thereof.  But for Wally on the other hand, their mother, over-doted on him after her other infant son had died shortly after birth... (Anne has written something on this, which I hope to share on this blog some time, with permission from her family).   
 
From what Anne had shared with me in previous personal, written conversations, both her and Wally had been sexually abused by certain ship steward/s on a voyage during their childhood.  What stood out for me and what I’d very much love to share in another post, is how differently both turned out to be as they grew from child to adult.  My Anne made choices that were positive, healing and pure, whilst her brother grew up making choices that were cruel and insulting and inflicted much pain on others, most especially my children and I during my time married to him.  I often commented that living with him was like living with the devil himself.  I did not follow my intuition before I married him because everything inside of me begged to be a stay-at-home mother, to be with my first two children from a former marriage… a marriage that I’d left as a result of the physical and disgusting, and hurtfully degrading sexual abuse inflicted on me by my first husband during his drunken states, and who enjoyed many extra-marital relationships.
 
On the first night I married my second husband, Wally, I already KNEW that something was very wrong… all the DANGER bells went off inside of me and I was left horribly confused, depressed and troubled.  Two weeks later I was already seeking help with my church, but they made it obvious right from the start, that they believed I was the problem and exaggerating things.  They were not there for me at all.  For years, I searched and searched for help, but very rarely did anyone believed us except one of the psychologists who my children and I visited.  Nobody could help us, because they could prove nothing… they wanted to see blood and guts first!  Wally was a cruel emotional abuser and most definitely a narcissist who hated women.  He was also a child molester and gay, which was eventually proven, but that’s another story which I will keep for my book.  He was so very clever in fooling everyone we knew… even my own family and my church community.  I was the one crying all the time… I was so weak in my aloneness and sufferings.  From three weeks after I married him, I often found myself sitting on the bathroom floor with the door shut, just crying and crying… more alone and frightened than I’d ever remembered feeling in my life.  (Had I married the very similitude of my stepfather in both this marriage and the first?)

​I struggled mightily to find help to protect my children from my own broken state, and desperately, to protect them from him… but nothing I could do with what I had at the time, would ever prove enough.  I did not have transport or money… I walked miles in my search for a listening ear and a reaching hand that would help us… but all in vein. 
 
In the end, I believed that I totally failed my children, because I could not save us from that man… and I nearly drowned in the overwhelming guilt that consumed me for many years to come.
 
Even though there were many times, I just wanted to take my life, I held on and kept trying to do everything in my power to survive that living hell, because I knew I had to, for the sake of my children.
 
Failure, or no failure, I did not and would not give up on them!  If I could not take them with me in death (which I knew I couldn’t), then I had to live on, to protect them.

WILL NOT DROWN!
All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
SUFFOCATING!  No air to breathe!
Drowning just beneath the waves!
I can see LOVES rays penetrating the surface
Where I cannot reach,
No matter how hard I try!
For every time I struggle closer,
The waves beat more and more!
And sometimes I almost give up,
Thinking, what is this struggling for!
Beneath me the sea is dark and deep,
Above love tries to shine through,
And the more the waves try to push me down,
The more I remember you.
 
My children sailing up above,
On seas that are rough and wild,
And I know that’s where this mother should be,
Calming the waves for her child.
So, the darkness that tugs me to the dreadful deep,
Must never win its fight!
For I’ll struggle on, and never give up,
If I’m to reach that saving light!
For in that moment where I touch the surface again,
I know that the waves will cease,
And I can board that lovely ship once more,
With my children, where there is peace.
So, I will not give up when the storms beat strong,
And I’m tossed again into the sea
For my children still need me
And I must return,
To where this mother should be!
 
“Be strong!” I call… “Be patient for me,
For my seas are quite stormy, it’s true!
But I will not drown while you need me still,
Because I’ll never stop loving you!”
 
~ Panayiota
 
(28 October 2004 - Struggling with deep emotions… SLIPPING AWAY… Worrying about my youngest son starting work at Wits… so far away from home and my protection.  No understanding or support… no love to help me through when I need it most… Hurt by the insensitive and insulting judgments of others… VERY MUCH ALONE AGAIN!)
 
My Anne (and a rare few others), was practically the only person who ever believed me and stood by me through thick and think over all our struggling years.  My children, and my Anne’s never-failing affirmation of their and my truths proved to be the very life-force I needed to survive the nightmare of those bitter years.
 
Most other people very quickly tired of my crying and downcast state, or were put off by my sitting away from the crowds (my struggling with getting ‘too close’.)  They did not understand, and so, they turned their backs.  But my long-suffering sister never turned her back on me… she always loved me, warts and all!

♥
 
SAD NEWS
On January 23rd this year, I received a Facebook message from my niece, Brie, whom, with the loving support and help of my nephew Rich, had taken care of my sister, throughout all of her struggling health issues, for many years already.  They were her friend in a time of her great need… they were there for her and they loved her.
 
Brie’s message read
“Hey Panny, Pat had a couple mini strokes today...she is stable and fine, didn't affect her motor skills and she is talking. Not always making sense but they said where she stroked, that should come back just fine. I will keep you updated all throughout the hospital stay and let you know what’s going on.”
 
I was terribly shocked by this news, but my Anne’s life had been threatened by serious illness many times before and she’d always pulled through okay… why not this time also… but I could not help but to admit to myself… “What if…?” and the very thought scared me so much that I could not rest anymore.
 
Brie and I exchanged messages of love and hope and gratitude over this time… me, being so grateful to Brie and Rich and other close members of her family, for being there for my sister during this scare, and for all the years, that in some very comforting way to me, they had stood in for all that I was unable to do, because I was too far away.  I repeatedly asked Brie to tell my sister that I love her and to hug her for me… comforted that she would do that, yet at the same time… longing-longing-longing to be by my sister’s side also during this life and death struggle that she was now facing.
 
Brie wrote again later that day 
“Pat is fine, only her speech is affected, and she will do speech therapy. In good spirits sleep well Panny she also says good night”

This message gave me so much hope, but I was still worrying for my sister, and even Brie and family, because I imagined how hard this time must have been for them.  With four children at home and two of them, small children… my Anne now in hospital… how were they juggling it all so that they could be there for their children and my Anne also… I found all my emotions centering on them and their love for my sister… overwhelming gratitude… knowing that they would do everything in their power to be with her.
 
Being on the opposite side of the world, they were 9 hours behind us here in South Africa, so trying to coordinate our conversations was quite hard also.
 
I sent a plea to my Facebook friends
“May I ask my praying friends to please pray for my dear sister, Anne... she has had a series of mini strokes. How I wish I lived close to her and Brie and Rich and the family who love her and have been taking such good care of her        I am so grateful for them all.  Although I'm in tears, I at least have the comfort of knowing that they are there for her when I can't be... I can only be there for her in prayer and ask that you please join me also in prayer for my darling sister    Thank you so much 
 
An update from Brie later in the day
“Pat is doing well right now... They are transferring her to a bigger hospital, and I’ll update you when we know more.”
 
I was so grateful for the updates from Brie that kept me as close as I could possibly be to my beloved sister 
 
I must say though, that by the morning of the 25th January, I was feeling rather desperate to know more about how my sister and family was doing…
 
I wrote to Brie
“I know you must be crazy busy with your family there and all the children and work and visiting my sister and all, so I'm not going to bug you at all... I know she is in good hands and surrounded by your love also... so, I just wanted to ask you if you are bearing up and tell you I'm thinking of you especially at this time and Rich and the children and praying hard for you too and all who genuinely care about her and love her like we do... and also praying hard for my dear sister.  I know she won't live forever and there will come a time, but while I can still tell her I love her and send my hugs, then that's what I will do… I'd be so grateful if you'd pass on my love and hugs every time you get to see her... Love and hugs to you too dear Brie and family... 😍”
 
Later in the day, this picture popped up on Facebook and I felt to share it with my friends… it was very meaningful to me at that time…

​26th January, my niece wrote again… I shared the updates from Brie with my friends on Facebook, because I knew that over the years, many of my FB friends had learned to love my Anne also, and had friended her on FB and kept regular contact with her.

"Pat is still in hospital. It has been determined that she had a total of 3 strokes but is recovering well for what she has been through. I haven't got all the information which I should get today regarding how long she is going to be there. It seems that they want to get her blood levels at a therapeutic level. She will probably need some speech therapy but minor. Still asking for prayers for a speedy recovery for the Warrior that she is. I also want to apologize to anyone that is messaging me privately... I have decided to just post updates because I hardly have any time between hospital visits and family at home."
 
27th January, I sent a message to my sister via Brie’s FB message inbox
“My beloved sister, I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this health struggle at this time.  Oh, what I'd give to be there with you my sister... just to be holding you in my arms so that I could tell you how much I love you.  I know for sure, I'd be singing to you also from the hymn book, some of my favourite songs.  I'm sad that your speech has been affected but know that will come back pretty quickly once you are on the road to recovery again.  I know that our Father in Heaven has a plan in all of this and I don't have any answers right now, but I do hope you get better soon, and if by any chance, our Father is calling you home at this time, then I want you to know that I will meet you under our tree someday when it is my turn to go there also.  But my sister... I do hope you will recover soon, and your speech will come back quickly.  I love you so much and I will always Love Brie and Rich and John and all who have been there for you over the years... just as you have always been there for me.  I love you with all my heart forever and ever... Your Diana ❤
 
👍 Brie indicated with a thumbs up that she had seen my message, and I was comforted, that she would have read it to my sister for me.
 
Later in the day, Brie updated us on my sister’s condition
"Pat has blood clots in her left leg and arm and lung and has had 3 mini strokes. She has lost her speech a bit and is having a hard time with words, but I'm told its most likely temporary. She’s a fighter and we would love continued prayers. Today I'm feeling like I been hit by a truck with the up and down roller coaster ride we have been on since Tuesday. One min she is fine the next it could be touch and go. I honestly just want her home and to go back to normal. It’s a work in progress but we will get there."

I shared Brie’s message with my FB friends and then commented
Please continue to keep Brie and family and my beloved sister in your prayers... my heart is so owie for them all right now, only because I can't be there to help them and be with them... what I'd give to be holding my sister in my arms right now... I would sing to her and just tell her how much I love and appreciate all she has been to me for so many years now... and I would love to be there for Brie and family also... I love them as well, with all my heart for all they have done over the years for my sister and for all the genuine love they have given her.
 
Something else was bothering me a lot on this day, because it was once again, for me, a time of great need for comforting.  So very often over the years, my Facebook friends and family have been my most important outreach for my emotional struggles.  Just knowing I’m not alone can sometimes very quickly bring the warm sunshine back into any dark situation for me. 
 
I wrote
Recently it was mentioned that Facebook is evil and of the devil and that the love spoken of here is all lies and fabricated, etc... I'm so sorry that I cannot agree with that at all. At times like this, when my sister is so ill and fighting for her life and I can't be with her and my heart is aching... when I'm feel so helpless and so sad and alone... I know that I can share my heart with people out there... in my Facebook world... whose love and care for me I am truly convinced of is real and true.  Many of you I have never met, yet, you have stood by me for so many years, even though I have not been able to check in on your pages at all, or as regularly as you have checked up on me on mine... even though you know that this is how it is for me, you have still not given up on me.  I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt, that Facebook and all of you who have stood by me over the years, has been a Gift to me from Heaven... A GIFT... NOT A CURSE!  Thank you so much for those who have been here for me... thank you for being my strength and my daily dose of TRUE LOVE and care.  There are many of you whose love I do not doubt... I believe in YOUR LOVE... I feel your love daily... and thank you for it with all my heart.  No need to respond... I'm having a bawling moment when I'm just needing to be here to share this, because I know YOU are here, even when in silence... you always have been here for so many years now... You know who you are ...  just like my sister who never gave up on me no matter what.  I know that even if it was her time to go... she'd still find a way to be with me... no separation between earth and Heaven could keep us apart, because our love is so strong and so true.  I am so grateful for Facebook, because when all else fails... I still have you all.  The love I feel for my Facebook friends is real... if it is not, then I have practically nowhere else to turn at times like this.
 
28th January, I wrote to Brie
“I love you Brie ❤ Right now, this is for you, and I love Rich and your little ones too.  I know how much my sister loves her grandchildren and thrives on their love in return.  I bet she is longing to be home with you all” ❤
 
Brie responded
“Hi Pan, Patty has taken a turn for the worst.  They can’t find out what is going on. We had her receive a blessing and she is in fact being called home😭.  She is now on comfort care as she is in a lot of pain.  We are sitting by her side until she passes.  I'm so sorry to be writing this email... I will let you know when she passes but it’s a matter of hours to days at this point.  I'm so sorry.  I will tell her to meet you at your tree.
Love you so much I can't imagine how hard this is so far away.” ❤❤❤
 
(Brie’s comment about the tree meant so much to me… if only she knew how much that touched my heart.  My Anne and I always spoke about the beautiful Heavenly tree we’d meet under someday when we both got to Heaven.  We were always so far apart and longing to be together, that we made up and visualised this story that I now believe will be given to us someday in Heaven… to come true, because of our great and pure love for each other here in this world.  We dreamed a dream of our beautiful tree waiting for us in Heaven, with soft green grass underneath it.  We would lie together on the grass staring up through the leaves of the tree at the beautiful Celestial sky above, and there, we’d catch up on all the life stories that we missed together… the choices we’d made, and how things had turned out, etc… I’m sure we’d have so much to talk about and we both looked forward to that time).
 
I wrote back… feeling to comfort Brie and her family who were going through this without me there with them
“My dearest Brie... please don't for one minute be sorry to be sharing such sad news with me... as I sit here imagining you sitting there next to my beloved sister's side, my heart is so comforted and warmed, because you are doing that on my behalf... you are there with her... she is not alone.  And if she chooses to let go, when you are out of the room, that will also be her decision to spare you... but I hope she will let you be there to share in her crossing over.  You are now sitting in the company of angels... so many ancestors… will be there to meet her... she will be surrounded by so much love, including yours, and for that I am truly so grateful.  Who is there with you... is Rich there... I hope he is.  It is so healing and so fitting that you are there to say your last goodbyes together... this will be healing for you all... and for me, just to know you're there.  Alec must be there to meet her too.  I have sat with many people who have been passing away and consider it one of the most spiritual experiences to share in, just like a birth of a new baby.  Thank you for sharing Brie... thank you for being there with my sister and thank you for all of your love... and to Rich too and anyone else who is there who has loved her as much as you two have.  You don't need to respond... rather take this time with dearest Anne... and tell her I'm okay because I know she will still be with us all... she will find a way to show us.  I love her with all my heart forever” ❤ ❤ ❤
 
Brie
😢 “Thanks Pan. She loves you soon much too as do I. I’ll be writing you soon.”
 
I responded
“Right now, I am completely overwhelmed with the LOVE I am feeling for you and Rich and my beloved sister and all who ever really loved her ❤ Just tell her I love her again please and I KNOW she loves me too... thank you with all my heart” ❤
 
Later I wrote
“I know I'm asking a lot, but please kiss her on her cheek for me and tell her I love her again... okay... I'll leave you alone now and wait for any updates... BIG HUGS darling Brie and Rich and family” ❤ ❤ ❤
 
Brie
“I will for sure. I read your post to her. So she now knows.”

Panayiota
“For that I am eternally grateful to you ❤ If I could hug you now, I'd squish you too tight, I'm sure... I just love you so much” ❤ ❤ ❤
 
I posted Brie’s message for my FB friends to share in and added how I was feeling
"Hi Pan, Patty has taken a turn for the worst. They can’t find out what is going on. We had her receive a blessing and she is in fact being called home😭. She is now on comfort care as she is in a lot of pain. We are sitting by her side until she passes. I'm so sorry to be writing this email... I will let you know when she passes but it’s a matter of hours to days at this point. I'm so sorry. I will tell her to meet you at your tree"
 
Crying my heart out, but at the same time, I'm so grateful to know that she is surrounded by loved ones on both sides of the Veil... she is not alone on this part of her journey. She knows how much I love her... I wish I was holding her in my arms right now and singing to her some of my favourite hymns... but when she has crossed over, then I will sing, and I know she will hear and be with me then... I love her with all my heart.  She has believed in me for as long as I've known her and has never turned her back on me, no matter what... She has been such a blessing and I know that she will continue to be from the other side... I have friends in Heaven... and soon she will be there too and someday we will meet under the beautiful tree we always spoke about that is waiting for us in Heaven... Oh how I love my sister.  Thank you to all my dear FB friends and family for your prayers over the last few days... I'm so grateful to have you all in my life and I am so grateful for Facebook and what a blessing it has been, because of all my truly loving connections here.
 
I felt so grateful to all my FB friends for their loving and comforting responses to all my recent posts, but especially this one… I needed them and they were there to embrace me warmly with their words of love.  I especially loved the affirmation-responses of two of my Jewish friends…
 
Haya wrote
“So sorry, Pan. Your dear sister can feel your presence from afar even now.  You can sing to her from wherever you are.  Gentle hugs to you.” ❤
 
Batya wrote
“Her spirit can hear you singing to her even now.  The preciousness of your love cannot be expressed in words.”
 
Inspired by my Facebook friends, I sent a voice recording to Brie.  I sang “May The Good Lord Bless and Keep You”… I never did find out if Brie was able to open it on Facebook and play it to my sister, but I knew that my sister would know.  I had wanted more than anything in the world to sing this song at my beloved Greek mom’s funeral in 2004, but I chickened out last minute, because I was too shy.  Then I wanted so much to sing it at my dear old friend, “Norma Bester’s” funeral, but chickened out once again, so I sang it on a voice recording this time and sent it to Brie to play to my sister with the following note:
 
“Good morning on your side, my dearest Brie, I don't know if that voice recording will work, but I sang a song for my sister... if it works and only if it does look like she's going, then you can play it to her if you feel it's okay.  You are in charge of her, so I trust you will do only what you feel is right for her and what would make her most comfortable and safe in her parting... I trust your love for her also and that is very comforting to me.  Thank you with all my heart... you are so beautiful to me” ❤ I hope you were all able to get some sleep through the night... God be with you and my sister ❤ I love you and Rich and all ❤
 
Late pm I wrote to Brie, before I went to sleep on my side of the world
Is there any updates yet dear Brie... I'm off to sleep now, so just checking quick.  I love you my beautiful niece and Rich and family... Love and hugs to you all and my beloved sister ❤ Be blessed with all the strength and courage you need to get through the day ahead... HUGS ❤
 
I woke in the morning to the following message from Brie, keeping in mind that her time in Utah was 9 hours before ours in South Africa, so for her she was sending the message late pm on the 28th of January, and I was receiving it early morning on the 29th January
 
“It’s with great sadness that Pat passed away peacefully at 10:30 this morning.”
 
(To be continued)
 
~ Panayiota