At the end of 2012, on our last day at the old broken-down house that had been our home for 30 years, we still had not found a new home for three of our four dogs or even for ourselves.  We had managed to find a home for our beautiful puppy, Chester Peanut, but Woody, Mr Dudley Peanut and Mrs Poppy Peanut had not found homes yet and we could not take them with us as we had not yet found a home in our new town.  

​We were beyond exhausted from worrying about our unknown future and from all the packing and throwing away, in order to take as little as possible with us while we stayed with family.  I was at my wits end, not knowing what to do about our beloved dogs.  We called various kennels, but being so close to Christmas, many were fully booked and the one we found that had space wanted to charge us an exorbitant amount a month for each dog.  We could not afford it at all. 
 
There was only one other option, and that was to have our dogs put down on that very day.  We cried and cried and it was a very traumatic day for my son and I.  I called my middle son in a fit of tears and told him that I could not see any other way to save our pets and he told me to hang on, he would try to make a plan.  Within a very short space of time, he called us to let us know that his friends, Deryn and Tracey had agreed to take our dogs for a month.  I could not believe it… there was hope at last.  Maybe in a month we would have found our new home for out dogs and ourselves.  Deryn and Tracey didn’t even know us and had a whole lot of dogs of their own, but out of the kindness of their beautiful hearts, they took ours in and ended up taking care of them for three months before we finally had a place of our own to call home and a place that allowed us to keep our dogs.  At last, we could go and fetch them and bring them home.
 
I remember when we arrived at the gates and I met Deryn and Tracey for the first time, my gratitude for what they had done for our dogs and us, was so overwhelming that I could not hold it all in… knowing also that I’d see my dogs again and that these people had saved their lives for us… Next thing, my blood pressure must have shot up so high that my nose started to bleed, and not just a little bleed, but it was pouring.  I don’t remember all the details, but someone brought a mountain of tissue to help me and my clothes were absolutely drenched in blood.
 
To this day, I love these two friends and their family so much for all they did for our dogs and us and it would please me greatly if I could in some way pay it forward for them. 
 
At this time, Deryn is desperately trying to raise money for a course he would like to study that would help him to find work so that he can support his family better.
 
Please may I ask my readers to forget my recent pleas for fundraising, for my own needs and to please consider helping these dear friends of ours to raise what is needed for Deryn’s studies.   I’d be so grateful for your assistance in this regard.
 
Please follow this link: http://fnd.us/01Pzoe?ref=sh_27eq5a
 
And here is the QR code also:

Thank you so much,
Panayiota.

My purpose in life, is not to sit with the great, but rather, to walk with the broken!  Nothing else therefore should matter anymore, except for me to hold onto my dreams which I know I must never give up on! 
 
Dreams do come true!
 
I'm very open and honest about my struggles, weaknesses, etc. on this blog especially, to the point of giving those people who shamelessly offend myself and those I love, a perfect excuse for their own BAD behaviors.  By exposing so many of my truths, I have allowed myself to become the “loony-tunes scapegoat” others use to cover up their own nonsense, so that they can keep their own place and sense of power and peace perfectly intact, while my place of belonging and need for peace is so easily dismissed.
 
So yes, I realise fully that I am harshly judged by what I share on my blog, but I just don't care anymore.  I've been hated and abused all my life by those who should have loved me, so what difference does it make if I'm hated, accused and even abused still by others.

​All my life I was a groveling people-pleaser, needing people to love me... NO MORE!  I know better, who I am now and am grateful to have discovered, that I'm enough, even entirely on my own.
 
Although I still thrive where I am loved and where I believe that I am believed in, if I have to live without that, I trust that I can survive that emptiness now. 
 
Below:  The following song expresses the stand I have on unconditional love… (NOT ROMANTIC LOVE… so for those who need another story to pit against me, get over yourselves!)  I do not have anyone who I feel romantically attracted to in my life and haven’t for a very, VERY long time.  And although I still dream of being truly loved romantically and being able to trust love romantically again before I die, I am in no particular hurry right now, and I’m not making any major moves in that direction, other than the dream of cosmetic surgery, to sort out my body issues, for JUST IN CASE! (a preparation-step in the right direction for me, towards my dream of meeting “TRUE romantic love” one day.)  I have enough going on in my life for now though to keep me going strong should that dream never quiet make it into my reality. 
 
Thinking seriously about unconditional love, I honestly think that I can only ever promise that to my children and a few others who I believe will always love me unconditionally. I have many friends who I love so much I’d protect them with my life while I believe that they believe in me unconditionally.  The minute I believe that they have stopped believing in me unconditionally… that’s the end of our beautiful relationship… another painful hole in my heart develops… a death of what was once so beautiful and perfect to me. 
 
Harrison Craig - Unconditional (Official Video)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLdNJVAdFw0
 
The reason I am sharing this, is because I really would like those who think and feel as deeply as I do and have struggles similar to mine, to hear the message I am trying to share with you today.  I feel it is such an important message. 
 

• We cannot rely on anyone in our present, to fix what was broken in our past. 
• We cannot hope that they will be able to give to us what was taken away from us in our childhood and past. 
• We cannot expect anyone today to understand the extent of our longings and our pain, or our fears and struggles.  
• We have to find a way to learn to grow beyond our lifelong desperate needs and desires that got stuck in us since the abuse was inflicted on us during our childhood.
• We must grow beyond the very needs and desires we were deprived of back then and that we have been longing for and fighting for ever since.  
• We can never become that child again and find ourselves in a loving home where what was lost would now be given back… IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! 

 
Once we realise how much our longings for what should have been is now affecting our current lives, only then can we begin to face our own behaviours and find a way to modify them so that we are no longer self-destructing our own lives and affecting the lives of others around us. 
 
I am personally working so hard at trying to get this right and I hope I can inspire others to do the same for their own lives and future and for the sakes of those they care about and love most.  Once we can get this right, we will function so much better in this world and have so much more peace of mind.
 
It is only when we can learn to love ourselves unconditionally, that we can truly begin our healing journey. That’s when the attacks of others against our hearts and our deep-set values will no longer have so much power over us to push us down as our abusers once did. 
 

• There will always be those we will lose along the way, because they don’t believe in us, or stop believing in us.
• There will be those who will use our damaged hearts against us to cover up their own deeds. 
• There would even those whom we have stood up for at great cost, who will not be there to stand up for us in the same way, in order to protect their own reputations and create peace for themselves. 
• There will probably NEVER be anyone who would love us as much as we are able to love them… or stand up for us as we would stand up for them. 
• Very few would walk with us if it means they will lose something they need and want in the process.  We will often find ourselves left very much on our own. 

 
It is important therefore, that we do not become bitter, resentful and ugly in dealing with our aloneness and the resulting hurts inflicted on us by an uncaring and selfish world. 
 
It is so important that we do not end up doing the same thing that those who disappoint and hurt us have done.
 
It is important for us to continue to seek all that is good, beautiful, right, healing and true, even if we only ever find it in serving others in need of our love, experience, unique talents and care.
 
It is important that we always continue to dream our dreams and reach for our stars… even those that seem totally impossible and unreachable.    
 
This is my message today.
 
Below:  I often identify and visualise my future-self in the stories of others and rejoice at seeing their “I’VE ARRIVED” moments happening for them.  I believe that my life is still going somewhere… that no matter how many in this world turn against me still, one day my TRUE STORY will be heard and acknowledged and on that beautiful day of TRUE FREEDOM from my past, I will prove to this world at last, that I AM A SOMEBODY!  Even if this only happens after my death… I TRULY BELIEVE IT WILL HAPPEN EVENTUALLY.
 
Harrison Craig Sings Broken Vow: The Voice Australia Season 2
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgflbGzlCeY
 
Jahmene Douglas’ audition – Etta James’ At Last-The X Factor UK 2012
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-xndZZjM4A&list=PLLJQHjmJHb1olEa7FIETgf_bN_Q0l0IBs
 
Susan Boyle - Britains Got Talent 2009 Episode 1 - Saturday 11th April | HD High Quality https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk
 
I Dreamed a Dream
Susan Boyle
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I prayed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hopes apart
And they turn your dreams to shame
And still I dream he'd come to me
That we would live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream, I dreamed
 
Songwriters: Alain Albert Boublil / Claude Michel Schonberg / Herbert Kretzmer / Jean Marc Natel
I Dreamed a Dream lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc
 
Bars & Melody - Simon Cowell's Golden Buzzer act | Britain's Got Talent 2014
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3Rf5qDuq7M
 
And to finish off this post, a song that have taken on as my own and love very much: Man of La Mancha (6/9) Movie CLIP - Don Quixote's Impossible Dream (1972) HD
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=US2nyRgg-SY
 
This is the music that is standing out for me today as I am sharing with you all.  I know I’ve shared some of the same before… but for today, these are very meaningful to me as I share.  Impossible Dream was playing in my head when I went to sleep last night and was still there when I woke up… this spurred me to write today's post.
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~ Panayiota