The day before yesterday I receive a phone call that very quickly triggered my inner rebel side, Patricia to surface once more, along with her unique set of deeply struggling emotions.  I was supposed to go to post a Student’s study pack around the time of the call, being my lunch time, but the caller left me so disturbed that I was actually frozen in time for a while.  The rising flood of frustration and anger in me became so HUGE yet again, that I knew that it was important to just get up and go… going out would help to defuse the negative emotions.  So, after about an hour of breathing the overwhelming frustration in a distant and foggy place that I fought with myself to surface from, I eventually managed to take myself off to the PostNet. 
 
The intensity of my feelings was still strong when I arrived there, and I had to concentrate on not letting it show on my face.  I’ve learned that if I purposely change my expression to a more positive one and work on my feelings at the same time, I can often reverse the state I find myself in… and it does work.  So, I imagined myself feeling kind and put on a kind expression… smiled at one or two people and it definitely helped, especially when they smiled back… but… the past-damage is still too deep, and I found myself heading straight for the cooked chicken oven and then racing home to eat it… I wanted to dive into it while I was still in the car but forced myself to wait until I got home…
 
It was definitely a surge of overpowering addictive-eating-gratification-need that had returned… surfacing from my past (pre-2013)!  The need to stuff myself silly was totally gripping… I rushed into the house and it was all I could do to take the time just to shut the door behind me before the eating frenzy began… I ate almost the entire chicken as fast as I could and felt euphoric and totally intoxicated doing so… very little was left on the bones by the time I was done and couldn’t eat anymore.
 
I have put on +4kg’s since May when all the trouble had come to a head and Patricia was triggered to the surface then.  I can’t seem to work out what I’m doing differently as far as eating goes… maybe I’m just in denial, I don’t know… but something has changed… it must have! 
 
For a long time, my weight was settled between 74kg’s-75kg’s… and on January 10th, I even dipped as low as 73.8kg for that day.  Then, at the end of April-June I stayed in the 76kg range… and my weight gain started to creep up on me from then on, reaching as high as 78.2kg by the end of July!  I did all that I could to get it under control, but I just couldn’t seem to get it right!  My weight has stayed in the 38kg range for most of August, reaching as high as 79.3 by yesterday!  AARGH! 
 
But then… something wonderful happened yesterday that I believe will help me to take control of my eating once more… I will write about it in the next post… it’s HUGE… WONDERFUL… EARTH SHATTERING (for me) and just the most AMAZING MIRACLE once more to come my way… and NO… I’m not pregnant or getting married… hahahaha! 
 
I cannot wait to share it with you all, but I have been so busy today, that I haven’t had a chance to get to writing about it yet.  I will probably only be able to share it with you tomorrow sometime if work isn’t too heavy.  I hope for a quiet day.
 
For now, though, I have to attempt to clear up some people’s misguided judgements against me for choosing not to attend the meetings connected to the group where the problem came to a head in May.  Once again, I need to reiterate that when Patricia is triggered to the surface, her intensity is too strong for me to personally cope with… I cannot even begin to explain the intensity of frustration, anger and anxiety that rises with her each time.  It is a very destructive force within me which I believe is capable of not only killing me and killing my relationships, but also hurting others… I therefore CHOSE to step out of the situation that had triggered her, so as to not only protect my own mental integrity, but the integrity of the group also. 
 
I am not doing this because I’m sitting in my little corner pouting…
I am not doing it to make someone else feel bad…
I am not doing it to hurt anyone…
 
I am doing this because it helps me to cope and heal from my own overwhelming emotions which had become out of control.  I have felt a real sense of total relief since I left the group.
 
Perhaps you remember reading this poem before:
 
Intensity
The intensity is more than I can bear!
Burning acid on every rip and tear!
Bubble, bubble toil and trouble!
So much chaos, so much muddle!
I cannot bear it anymore...
But I'm not ready for Heaven's Door!
Help me!  Help me!
Please make me brave!
Save me! Save me! 
Please help me...
Save...
 
~ Panayiota
(07 October 2014)
 
My mentor wanted me to attend the groups as part of my job description and I’ve enjoyed the experience up till now.  So, I wrote to her first to tell her I would like to stop attending.  I will share parts of our communications to try and solve the problem for those who are misconstruing my motives.  (Should they continue to struggle to grasp my situation and choices, I will need to repost the post that I believe Patricia wrote when she had surfaced in May, because she had experienced the “mother always wins” games once more… and she continues to surface periodically still for the same reason, as with the call the other day!
 

The letter I wrote to my mentor:
From: Panayiota
Sent: Friday, July 20, 2018 8:21 AM
To: Teria…
Subject: Stepping back for a time...
 
Dearest Teria…
 
I have decided after much thought, that I will no longer be able to attend the Advanced and Diplomate workshops or supervision meetings. 
 
I do not wish to explain why, other than to say that for the sake of my own sanity and others, it is best this way and I feel a huge sense of relief in making this decision.  I have learned in my life that getting too close always causes problems and I am completely unable to cope with the emotional fall-out I experience almost as death-loss… it is far too big for me.
 
Please, I am asking you with all my heart, not to pressure me on this.  I will allow no visitors until you have accepted my wish as I do not want to discuss it at all.
 
I love my job and that is all I need and there are so many other very important things I need to be doing with any spare time I can muster… my book/s being at the top of my list.  I finished marking the students’ portfolios this morning, so now I should have more time to get to my book.
 
This is the best decision for all… not only for me.
 
Thank you so much and I pray you will understand and let me do this for me right now.
 
Please… there is no need to respond, other than just to reassure me that you understand and accept my wishes…
 
Teria responded exactly as I had hoped she would:
From: Teria
Sent: Sunday, July 22, 2018 4:31 PM
To: Panayiota…
Subject: Re: Stepping back for a time...
Dearest Pan,
 
To me, this is a right choice.  We all have to sort out exactly where our assigned places in life are.  So many activities, though very good and in many ways satisfying, can eat into our time that we need to spend with things that matter more.  I find it so fascinating that a restlessness, a kind of dissatisfaction, a kind of disillusionment, discomfort and even hurt, can be signs that we are needed more elsewhere.  We are in a sense called back onto a path that only we can walk.  Not that we were not a blessing during the time we spent away from the more central and important things in our lives and that we have not gained a lot away from our primary tasks in life, but is our continued time away from what is still waiting to be done by us, essential?  Are we irreplaceable there or irreplaceable where we are meant to be?
 
I only want you to see this not as something negative, namely, as a self-defensive withdrawing from a hurtful situation, but as something supremely positive.  It is self-defensive, yes, but in which way?  If your energies get wasted or if your person feels abused, then such a withdrawal from the situation is absolutely called for.  We have the responsibility to treasure our persons, to give ourselves to where we are absolutely irreplaceable.  Nobody can write or work on your book or get it completed but you, Pan.  In the same way there are precious tasks as the secretarial administrator of our Institute that only you can do and nobody else.  We have been in the process of removing you from administrative duties that others can also do so why waste your energies even there!  Your role is all the more one of being intimately at my side and at the side of the students at the very inception of their training as logotherapists.  Your interaction with all our new students is invaluable.  And so is your involvement in presenting your riveting story and other power-point presentations during the introductory workshop…  Your role in the workshops was not to be diminished!... I regard the introductory course as a springboard or platform from which all the further courses in logotherapy is launched.  You are absolutely needed and have an irreplaceable role to play there!  I heartily, therefore, endorse your decision!...
 
I then responded:
…I cannot begin to express my gratitude to you for your profound understanding of my deeper needs at this time, and for endorsing my choice in this matter.  I am so deeply indebted to you for your beautiful words that always help me to make better sense, even of my own thoughts and choices… you put into words for me, exactly what I am trying to say to the world… thank you so very much for being such a treasure to my heart and soul… I am very… VERY… grateful for my work and that I can work from home.  I am most grateful for YOU, because I fear that without my job and your steadfast encouragement and profound understanding… I don’t know where I’d be today.  I’d much rather be right here, right now, than to ever go back to all those broken years before Logotherapy found me.  I am so grateful for TODAY!...
 
 
I hope now that if anyone from the group is reading this, that you will understand better and stop saying things that make me feel uncomfortable for making a decision which I feel is right for me and most beneficial to all.
 
Goodnight beautiful world and sweet dreams,
 
~ Panayiota Ryall

My computer crashed, June 2017.  I lost all my poems written after 1st June 2014.  It was devastating!  I had not printed my poems in three years, so all was lost. 
I personally nearly lost it completely, because many of my work files were also crashed… lost my most recent self-editing on my book with only 36 pages to go before sending to publishers and so much more!

But then a miracle started to happen as far as my poetry collection goes
​

• Some poems saved to poetry sites were rescued.
• Friends I had sent poems to since June 14 sent copies back to me.
• And not so long ago this year (2018), by some miracle, I found a flash disc with all my poems up to the 15 November 2016 on it.
• On the 29 August 2018 (Yesterday), I started to put it all together… reconstructing my poetry collection and made backups.  I printed out every poem that had not been printed out yet and now I will need to cut out and glue every one of them into a book and index them at the back of the book.  I feel so much better now that they are printed.  I still have over 1000 of my poems saved.
• I was only able to find three 2017 poems, so my 2017 collection is for now, mostly lost.  I think I wrote very little last year though, so hopefully I haven’t lost anything important from then.  I am hoping that I will still find more 2017 poems in drawers, etc. that I might have printed along the way. I might also find some 2017 poems on my blog.  It’s just the job of going through all the posts to find them.  Time is needed! 

Thank you to my friends and my Father God, for all that is rescued so far.  I am very grateful.
 
~ Panayiota

To all who share my blog posts with me, this is to let you know that as from today, three years after I started my blog, I have at last opened my blog to commenting. 

I look forward to hearing from you all and getting to know better, those who share my life stories with me through these pages.

To leave a comment on any of the posts, you need not include your real name... you can use a pseudonym instead if you prefer.  You also do not need to add your e-mail address or a website address.  Add your e-mail address only if you wish to receive notification of any other responses or comments to the same post you commented on. 

I feel happy to be opening comments to you all now, because I am so grateful for the time you take so share with me, by reading my writings.  

Thank you very much... I am truly grateful for your presence here.

~ Panayiota

8 August ~ Managed just over 5 hours sleep last night... crazy!  Yesterday I shared photos I’d taken with my little camera, a Sony DSC-S800 with other bug photography enthusiasts on the Facebook page, “S.A. Butterflies, Bugs, Bees and other small things”.  I was so pleased with how well the photos turned out using the Macro setting on the camera my little sister gave me in 2012 when I visited her in Canada… and we attended the Logotherapy World Congress in Dallas Texas together then also… it was such a wonderful, wonderful time!  I just love the camera so much, but never really learned how to use it properly yet.  Seeing the other people’s incredible photographs there on the Facebook page inspired me to work out how to use it for myself.  I’m sure I need to learn a lot more about how to use it, but for now I had some encouraging success with it.  The reaction of the other photographers to my photographs made me feel so good and I think it was all too much excitement responding to so many unexpected comments, and that’s why I never slept well… hahaha! 
 
9 August ~ So, my Woman's Day here in South Africa was a quiet one... I suffered an all-nighter migraine and lay awake most of the night in extreme discomfort!  The kind of throbbing pain, that if I cry or panic, I know it will get a whole lot worse, so I just lay there staring into the darkness concentrating on trying to stay calm and relaxed.  I took pain meds before I went to sleep and got in a few short hours of sleep, then around 3am, when I couldn't take the pain anymore, I took more pain meds and thankfully the headache started to fade not long after I woke from another short sleep.  Felt very washed out and tight headed all day.  It felt like a bad tension migraine, because my neck and back were in a knot and felt better when I massaged where I could reach.
 
Our helper, Shem came and finished off the brickwork in my vegetable garden.  He's a good man!  I defy anyone to tell me otherwise!  I am so grateful once more for his kind and willing assistance. 
 
So... when Shem had done his work and I was letting him out of our gate, I noticed a whole lot of cars parked outside of my neighbours house and a big hullabaloo going on between all the people there... a man sees me and runs to ask me if I know where the man who lives next door is... I tell him I don't know, and it's been quiet next door just lately... he asks if the mom is there... I'm thinking they are friends because he seems friendly, so say no, she's probably at work at the pharmacy.  He reminds me it's a public holiday and goes to knock at their door... nobody answers, so, they all go rushing off.  I then realised that there might be some trouble brewing with our young neighbour who we have reported recently for his inconsiderate nonsense and breaking their gate which has also caused a widening crack in our wall!  I felt terrible, wondering if they were going to embarrass or frighten the old lady at her work.  I wish I’d never told the man that she was at the pharmacy which is close to where we live. 
 
About an hour later, the son arrived back and I have to admit, I was actually scared.  What if he is dangerous?  I have been on "Danger alert" from the first time I met him... EEEK! ... I'm also scared he will take revenge on us or damage our car which is parked in the same carport we share together with our neighbours! 
 
What is sad though, is that it seems that my previous neighbour who I had believed had become a very close friend, is no longer messaging me and she is ignoring my messages to her… I can only imagine, because I dared to complain about the young man who was staying with his parents who are renting from my previous neighbour.  Friendship is far too important to me to play games like that with… if the previous owner no longer cherishes the friendship we built up during her stay here, before she moved, and if she can let a good friendship go so easily, then I guess that’s the end of that then.
 
It’s how it always is… real friendships are seldom true I’ve discovered.  Which friendship can I really trust… WHO?  I guess that’s why I don’t like people to get too close and don’t trust easily.  It always hurts when I’ve given so much of my love and trust to someone else and it is thrown back into my face like this… HUMPH! 
 
And life goes on…
 
Pm: I had a wonderful drive with my sister and nephew to go and pick up my other nephew... it was so needed. We went to the North West Province, right near (Hartbeespoort Dam), and on the way we saw cows, horses, warthogs, springbok, donkeys and a monkey and I also saw guineafowl.  We loved the mountains and vast fields and bush, and on the way home, we enjoyed a beautiful big orange-ball sunset I felt thoroughly rejuvenated and ready for a good night’s sleep by the time we arrived home.
 
I LOVE MY FAMILY <3 <3 <3
 
10 August ~ I had Shem here all morning helping me with high-dusting... a long overdue, much needed job!  With the donations I received last month, I was able to do so much and feel overwhelmed with gratitude for the kindness that we received.
 
Because we don't have finished walls, there is a good 1cm ledge on each brick as it juts out of the walls and all the dust collects on them.  So, Shem used a broom (and the vacuum) to sweep the walls! He also washed shelves and vacuumed carpets, under beds, etc. I cannot begin to tell you how grateful I am to him also, for his hard work ethic and integrity.
 
I also worked hard, especially after he’d gone, because I needed to put things back on shelves and rearrange, etc.
 
11 August ~ am: Drove my dad and youngest son to work… a good drive away and on the way home, I stopped in to visit my daughter in law to meet their two new puppies.  Their house is not far from my youngest son’s place of work, so before I drove to her house, I let her know I’d be there in just a few minutes, so that she would send me her gate entrance code.  I was halfway up the hill (on the way home)… quite far from her house already when I realised I’d forgotten to turn at the robots after I had left my son’s work, so I had to turn around to go back!
 
Some things just can’t be explained when you get to my age!  Good grief!  I just shake my head at myself.
 
Pm: My oldest son (recently divorced) came to visit me which was a wonderful surprise.  He seemed a little down in the dumps and lonely when he arrived… spoke about feelings of not belonging in this world… not fitting in… not being understood… needing to find friends like himself… people who would understand and accept him.  My heart went out to him in a big way, because I truly understood and empathized 100%.  I knew exactly what he was saying and how horrible and lonely it feels to be in that state of difference in this world.  He was a lot happier by the time he left to go have supper with my littlest sister… I’m glad he came out to visit us all and just pray he will be able to find his true place in this world soon… he’s suffered so many terrible trials and tragedies already in his short life… starting with child abuse also… God bless him… There are people who should love him unconditionally today, but don’t… it breaks my heart and unsettles my soul terribly.
 
12 August ~ Drove my younger son and father to work again and ended up getting home too late to get ready in time for church.  Later in the day I went to visit my daughter for lunch while her husband was away on a business trip. I always enjoy her company so very much. 
 
I could get so mad with myself!  We were enjoying our lunch together in my daughters very quiet and peaceful garden, and she finished eating before me.  I immediately started to feel self-conscious, in case she could hear me chewing… totally ridiculous… and because I was feeling self-conscious, I bit my tongue badly… ANAH!!! 
 
Anyway, I took our little dog with to play with my daughter’s dogs and although she doesn’t let my daughters’ dogs get too close, she absolutely loves it there.  She spends her whole time strolling around their garden exploring everything with her nose.
 
Back at my home in the afternoon, I started work on my book again, but only managed a few pages… I’m having a very slow start to the self-editing thing.
 
Previously, on the 4 August ~ after managing only 26 of 201pages, I stopped, because the next title covered where I spoke about how I honestly believe that my 2nd husband might have managed to sexually abuse all of my children, so, I just couldn’t go there straight away… it was evening and I didn’t want to go to bed thinking about all that… the stuff my nightmares are made of!
 
12 August ~ Managed to get back to my book today... still slow progress... stopped on page 33.5 of 201... 167.5 more pages to go… BIG tiredness suddenly overcame me, so I couldn’t go on.  Rehashing over the past is exhausting.  I cannot wait for this book to be done!
 
13 August ~ Today, with my son off duty, we drove to Unisa in Pretoria to pick up books for our students.  I worried about the amount of petrol we would use but I needed those books… I felt I just could not make our new students wait for them. 
 
On the way, I was pulled over by police… I’ve always wondered how I’d survive that, because it has never happened to me before and looked so scary to me.  Anyway, what a lovely officer he was.  He asked if I had my license, I said yes and while I was digging for it in my bag, he checked the car’s license, came back to my window and said it was ok, I could go… but so polite… I still showed him my license anyway and thanked him for doing his work and wished him a good day.  It turned out to be a very pleasant experience indeed.
 
Collecting the books from Unisa was also a surprisingly good experience for my son and I.  The people at Unisa Press were so polite and helpful. 
 
I then took my son to visit the Cow Farm.  Armed with my little old camera, we were so disappointed with the fact that we couldn't find much in the way of little creatures to photograph there.  I'm pleased with my lizard photo but wished for a closer shot of the fly.  I felt really, REALLY sad that insects are so scarce these days.  I am hoping that summer will bring more little creatures for me to photograph.
 
I remember my childhood and so many goggas everywhere. We couldn't walk on a lawn without grasshoppers and other little grass bugs jumping in every direction... But now we're lucky if we can find a single moth visiting our house at night... it's really, very sad.  At least the “S.A. Butterflies, Bugs, Bees and other small things” Facebook page and the beautiful posts there, brings some hope that there are still a variety of little creatures out there... but still, I feel sad imagining them becoming extinct at the rate things are going.  I want to take as many photos I can for my grandchildren to enjoy and teach them to appreciate and take care of our little creatures now while we have them.
 
Brown cow:  It’s amazing what sort of things I notice and ponder very deeply and that can mess with my head sometimes.  When we arrived at the cow farm, we sat in our car for a while, facing a field with cows on it.  We enjoyed our picnic in the car.  We noticed a group of black and white cows huddled around a trough that they were eating from, and a good few meters from the, all alone and strolling around on its own, was a brown cow.  WHY?  I wondered… why was there that one different colour cow and why was it keeping itself separated from the others?  Surely a cow doesn’t have a colour problem!  And then, off my mind goes on a philosophically emotional journey all on its own comparing the cow scenario to our human existence in this world… Why?  Why? Why?  Why should anyone feel pushed aside, because they are different in any way?
 
Then we went to visit the calves in their tiny little pens where they were lying on hay.  I ache for those little calves… each isolated in those cold, shady pens which for some reason made me think of the concentration camps.  I wondered if I should ever go look at them again… the inner child part of me just wants to delight in seeing and touching the baby cows… but another part of me identifies with what I imagine is their pain and loneliness.  I think of abused children… how much it hurts me to be aware of them and the people who are not doing their best to help them… would I just turn my back, because it hurts me so much to see them and because it makes me feel uncomfortable…
 
I said to my son… that the way some of those little calves responded to us… sticking out their long tongues, as if to try and drag us in to play with them, or just to hug them, and reaching up their little heads as close to us as they could and shutting their eyes as we scratched their necks… we were giving them a moment of happiness… company… love… attention…
 
The phenomenal POWER of a moment in time or a genuine heartfelt smile
Was that moment worth something to those little calves?  It was just a moment, but surely a moment of loving kindness is better than nothing at all from us.  If it was all we could give, then it had to be worth something.  So, as uncomfortable as it was for me to see them in their miserable state… I did feel good that we could give them a little of our time.  Should it not be the same for the children (and the aged and lonely, etc.) of this world… to show them that we care… a child begging on the cold hard street corner… could a gentle smile be better and kinder than an indifferent turn up of our nose and a shoo away with a flip of our hand?
 
Some of the only good memories I have as a child and the ones I believe had the greatest impact on my life, were the brief encounters with genuine loving kindness.  I write more about those in my book.  But if we realise just how much power for good and life-sustaining influence we can have on the entire life of a broken child, by just those small moments of kindness and goodness freely given to them, then we would not hesitate to be better and do better for their sakes.   
 
When we arrived back from Pretoria, I took my youngest son to buy himself some new underpants and a few pairs of socks.  We had run out of our donation-money by then, so I wasn’t able to buy extra work shirts for him… those will have to wait a bit longer.
 
I was extremely tired and totally wiped out by the evening and had a good night’s sleep after taking a slow-release magnesium tablet which helps me to sleep.
 
14 August ~ Extreme dissociation and wiped-out tiredness... I could barely hold myself up all day long.  I felt as though I had a deep-blocked depression.  Was it due to the stressful day of traveling the day before or the hurting-stress of seeing those little stuck-calves… I was not sure what exactly had triggered it…
 
Book self-editing work pm… only managed a few pages yet again… up to page 36 of 202 pages (166 pages to go) I am adding and trying to take away at the same time… I do want the book to be a lot shorter, but so far I’m not succeeding at deleting any parts.
 
15 August ~ Today was my Greek name day... for one day I can BE Panayiota.  I lovingly remember those rare few people who have ever honoured me with my own name during my lifetime... my Greek mom (stepmother) especially. Thankfully I have been introducing myself as Panayiota to our new students and I'm being honoured more often now with my own true name and I'm loving it.
 
My dear old daddy phoned to wish me happy name day but once again called me Pat throughout our conversation… ludicrous… but I have accepted it now.  My mother changed my name after their divorce, and I guess everyone got to know me as Patty as that’s what she called me from then on.  I must just accept that some people will never be able to know me by my true name… it’s okay… I now choose to give honour to my adolescent inner rebel self, by allowing her name, Patricia (even shortened to Pat) to be mentioned by those who are used to addressing me that way.  Patricia deserves to hear her name also.
 
My littlest sister also remembered my name day and visited with a gift of meat for my son and I, to grill for supper… a lovely-yummy treat!  I was very grateful that she remembered.
 
We are watched over… Just yesterday I wrote about how sad I was about not seeing so many goggas anymore and today, when I came home from a morning outing to visit one of our dear old church lady friends, as I walked through my gate, I spotted a great big green locust chilling on my lettuce.  I recognised instantly that it was a gift from Heaven!
 
NOBODY could ever convince me that we are not being watched over by Heaven… this sort of thing has happened to me so many times in my life, that I cannot begin to entertain the idea of coincidences anymore.  I truly believe that a presence from the other side of the veil connected with my sadness over not seeing so many insects and creatures anymore, and they wanted to bless me with this beautiful locust today.  It was well camouflaged against the lettuce leaves, so I could have very easily missed it, but it was the first thing I saw when I came through the gate into my yard. 
 
I have friends in Heaven and I feel their love and I am overwhelmed once more with gratitude, this time for yet another gift of love to me.
 
In case you are wondering why I love little creatures so much, then here’s what I shared with someone on the “S.A. Butterflies, Bugs, Bees and other small things” Facebook page recently:
I grew up a severely abused child... so, animals and little creatures became my friends and refuge. I also spent hours looking through a microscope at the wonders of creation... or making a pet of some creature or other and finding food for it every day... I still do that today.  I guess, I feel like I'm recapturing some of that wonder now when I look at the beautiful photos on this Facebook page... it truly touches my heart. There were very few happy things I can remember from my childhood, so when I can connect with those now, it is very meaningful to me. I really, with all my heart, appreciate the work you and everyone else is doing on this page... thank you so much.  I was reminded today as I showed my grandchildren some of the photos here, of a poem I once wrote for a neighbours child who loved goggas.
 
GOGGAS!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I love goggas; I guess you won't agree,
Hairy, ugly spiders are the best that there could be.
Especially the big ones with beady little eyes,
And nasty pointed fangs that catch the passing flies.
And as for snakes, well they're just great,
When girls go near them, there're in a dreadful state.
But I don't have a problem, because snakes don't scare me.
I like them as fat and as long as can be.
Scorpions too are so much fun.
I find them under rocks, hiding from the sun.
I love their tails, arched up high,
In anticipation of a yummy insects strolling by.
Centipedes are the funniest of all,
They have hundreds of legs, but they're not very tall.
How fast they can run with all those feet,
If they run towards you, you'll spring from your seat.
I love the buzzing of the busy bees,
As they hum around flowers with pollen on their knees.
And those lovely red ants that nip so sore,
I just pull them off, oh, what a bore.
I can't understand why Mom gets so mad,
Whenever I mention the creatures I've had!
I collect them in bottles and boxes too.
Come visit anytime, I'll show them to you.
 
(23rd April 94 – For Dino – The Greatest Bug Lover Ever!)
 
This month’s unexpected expenses
I had three days of taking my daddy and youngest son to work and the trip to Pretoria and back… on the 10th August, I filled the petrol tank which came to nearly R800!  I was totally shocked, because it was only a few days before that we had put R100 in just to keep it going then.  I realise that I will be asking for R3000 to get to and from the three students’ workshops in November, otherwise I won’t make it.  Please if anyone can help… please do… I don’t want to miss any of the workshop time with my mentor and our wonderful students.
 
Whilst cleaning the walls on the 10th, the long neon bulb on the kitchen roof fell off and smashed to pieces.  Our handyman came a few days later to replace it with a normal roof light and bulb, only charging us R200 which I was grateful for, but it was still an unexpected expense.
 
The front door gate and door locks suddenly seem to be faulty... and me with my fears, imagined our scary (to me) neighbour might have been trying to get into our house while we were out... I know I'm jumping to conclusions... but that's how my mind works when someone scares me as much as he does!  So now, both locks need to be replaced... the one might just need a new key.  We have bought a new lock and keys for the front door’s security gate which no longer locks… that cost us R231.50… we still need help to put it in, because the last one does not have screws but pop-rivets instead which will need to be ground out.  If anyone living nearby is reading this and can help with that we’d really appreciate it very much. Also, the internal door lock, on the new door leading from our lounge into the hobby room still needs work… I think the hole is offset and causing problems with the functioning as a result.  My bedroom and sitting room lights need work also.  I’ve not had a roof light in my bedroom for about one or two years now since my son broke the connection trying to screw the bulb out… and the lounge light has been faulty since we moved here in 2012, so we only use the kitchen light to illuminate the lounge also which is not a lot of light for the lounge at night.
 
Thank you for sharing with me once more.  I wish goodness and blessings on all who share my writings with me.
 
~ Panayiota
 
(To comment, you need not include your real name, e-mail address or a website address… you may use a pseudonym if you prefer and leave your comment)

​On the 9th August, my overseas sister and I were having a WhatsApp conversation which I rather enjoyed so just wanted to share. 

It all started with my sister sharing a little video of her one grandson holding a microphone at church and as carefree as any happy child could be, he was singing his little head off and dancing around.  He was born with a form of congenital cancer in one ear and after many operations and much hospital care and then a wonderful miracle, he was finally cured of the cancer, but has lost hearing in that ear, so his speech is a little delayed.  Then my sister mentioned how his older brother loves singing opera and is in a school choir, which I thought was so sweet.  I told her that I was enjoying learning more about my great nephews who I have never met and joked that I think they got their singing genes from our side of the family.  We have never forgotten listening to our daddy singing when we visited him.  We loved his singing.

One of his favourite songs was, “Born Free”… he used to cry when he sang that.  My dad suffered and struggled a lot as an orphaned child and I think he carried a lot of pain inside of him.  I fancy myself as a bath-tub opera singer, hahaa!  And my sister has a beautiful voice too and loves to write the most beautiful songs, mostly with a Christian theme.  I’ve written piles of poetry which I’d love to be put to music.  My two lullabies have already been put to music and I love those.  Used to sing them to my own children.  We love singing the songs our daddy loved, because we loved them too and they remind us of him.  "Que Sera, Sera" was another one we remember that he loved, and some Greek songs which I don’t know how to spell, so can’t share.  I wish I could add voice recordings here, but it’s just too expensive.

We started to reminisce on our favourite singers and just some of our most remembered songs that we used to love and sing as we were growing up… and some we are still singing today. 

Born free (original theme song from the film of the same name)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ov6aef8DTqg

Doris Day
Que Sera Sera
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZbKHDPPrrc

Greek singer, Nana Mouskouri… we had her record and loved every song on it.
The White Rose of Athens
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hlx8Y6x0nFE
I have a dream
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7g54mit4qU

Demis Roussos… my sister’s husband used to sing just like him… too lovely!  
Forever and ever
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3vCB3YBMUo
My friend the wind
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdNkTZitRmU

The Singing Nun (1963)
Dominique 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EO7cD6qmydo

​Simon and Garfunkel
Bridge over troubled water
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4G-YQA_bsOU
Sound of silence
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAEppFUWLfc

Cliff Richard
Bachelor boy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cz9zusc7gqk
The young ones
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxNohANhJiA
Daddy’s Home
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJJuYpx0w2Q

Jim Reves
The Shifting Whispering Sands
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgAvHo6vpe4

Roger Whittaker
Elizabethan Serenade
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3-IoylSOuc
(beautiful…  my sister remembers me whistling this a lot… I have a special yodeling kind of whistle today that fascinates my grandchildren and I wonder if it was from all the practice I had when I was younger with this whistling song)

Richard Chamberlain
All I have to do is dream (Dr Kildare television series)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qxpkaasgYnk

Mike Oldfield
Tubular bells
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSRJvq4Wd48

The World of Max Bygraves
You're A Pink Toothbrush
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-rcZh0A64s

John Denver
Annie's Song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNOTF-znQyw

The Irish Rovers
The Biplane Evermore
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iEf-Vn-vfE

Sara Brightman
A song she used to sing using her soprano voice… without words… I used to sing it too, but unfortunately never got the name for it.

George Frideric Handel (My sister went to a performance of Händel Messiah)
The Hallelujah Chorus Old Version
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssYmHpjLicg

During our WhatsApp conversation, some of the songs above were ones my sister remembered most and other’s ones I remembered most and most of them we shared our memory-love for.  I’ve only included what came up first in our conversation, but there were so many, many more we could have included as we continued to reminisce after our conversation.
 
As I put together the links to the songs above, I felt very emotional… hearing the songs took me back… not to vivid memories of any kind, but to some subconscious memories long-lost to my consciousness.  All I do know is that music used to keep us going.  To this day, if I am very overtired, or in any kind of emotional distress, very often, songs from my past will surface as my subconscious connects to a current situation that triggers a foggy past-time long ago when that song might have been a comfort or strength to me then. 

The music from our past has today left a warm and comforting legacy to our souls… I don’t know if that makes sense.

Leaving a Legacy
I was ready to go to sleep, so to finish off our WhatsApp conversation, my sister who is a devout Christian wrote:  “I am just completing a bible study on Ruth for our ladies group… how the Lord weaves a story for His glory… our tiny mark on the timeline of history leaves a legacy that may impact generations hundreds of years in the future.”

I responded: “I hope we are indeed worthy of a legacy.  I have felt invisible for most of my life, so it would be good to at least die a somebody.  How wonderful my sister.  I love you.”

My sister’s response: “You are already a somebody in God’s perspective.  He does love us to do well with our dash between birth and death.”

Me: “Yes… In Heaven’s Eyes, I KNOW without doubt I’m a somebody… but I really want to finish my life as a somebody in this world too… working hard to get there…

And I love my sister’s response to that: “Sometimes our legacy is seemingly unseen, like Sister Cecilia, she had no idea that she impacted our lives so deeply.  Some people will only find out in Heaven how Amazing their lives and legacy were.”

And then my sister wished me goodnight and I wished her a good day, because we are on opposite sides of the world.

I am grateful for all who shared with me today… thank you.

~ Panayiota

I found this poem the other day.  I often forget the things I have written (especially as I’ve written well over 1000 poems since I was 12 years of age), so it’s good to be reminded sometimes.  I’d written this one in 2003… (15 years ago).  I wrote it for my mother and only in 2006, did I begin my therapy journey where I learned that it was necessary to nurture my own inner child… so today, I realise that this poem is for all adult survivors of child abuse that are struggling in a similar way to how my own mother and I struggled.  Mother was an adult survivor of severe child abuse also.
 
I’m just going to talk a bit about the meaning of the poem as I see it, but perhaps you will also see something to discuss about it and add, so I do encourage feedback if you have time please.
 
1st verse ~ The line, “And named her after me” stands out for me and I’m glad that I highlighted it in the original poem, because that makes more sense to me now.
 
I believed that my mother hated me for my weaknesses, because they merrowed her own weak and her troubled inner-child who she perhaps had not learned about yet… or could not accept.  She was unable to face her own struggles, so blamed the world and me for the turmoil she was experiencing.  She was always on the attack… her way of protecting herself… “I’ll get you, before you can get me!” … was the inner-motto I believe that she lived by… even subconsciously.
 
I think I mentioned before that as opposed to my mother’s way of handling her turmoil, my inner-motto is more on the lines of, “I’ll leave you, before you can leave me!” … although, I think this one also belonged to my mother… first she’d go into “attack and destroy” mode, and then she’d RUN!  Always on the move… never resting from her struggles… whereas, I prefer to run, before the destroying happens… the minute I feel it coming… I run… especially where I feel myself (my psyche) being further destroyed by the actions of others.  When I realise I’m not coping and that my reaction to their actions is seriously overwhelming me… that’s when it’s time to remove myself from the situation… completely!
 
I can’t tell you how relieved I feel since separating myself from various areas where I was feeling the tension was too overwhelming for me to bear… I’d rather be stuck at home entirely alone… a homebound-hermit, than in a crowd where I don’t feel comfortable, welcome, or happy… where I don’t feel totally accepted, loved and belonging.
 
But on deeply pondering recent events, it highlighted for me just how easily I can let EVERYONE GO, when just one has upset me enough to put me into that place of “not trusting in anyone or anything” anymore. 
 
If I stop to think logically about the situation that I am creating for myself… all by myself, I realise how illogical it is!
 
Just yesterday, this person or that was somebody who I totally trusted… I felt their love and acceptance, so how could I allow the breakdown of one person’s trust to have so much affect on so many of my other relationships… I need to stop that destructive and soul-destroying “psychological movement” that is able to take me so far off course… it is based on lies from my past and twisted perceptions… I cannot allow it to happen… I must stop myself from running from “ALL”, when it is only “ONE” I felt I needed to run from in the first place! 
 
So, I STOP!  I THINK!  Just yesterday, this person or that one loved me… I felt their love… I believed it was real… has anything changed between them and I for me to be trying to run from them also?  
 
NO!  Nothing has changed between us… only my perceptions and sense of trust has been damaged again and that has nothing to do with them at all… that’s my weakness, not theirs… (The self-destructive power of the damaged mind).
 
Don’t let the past beat you anymore Patty-Patricia-Panayiota… Don’t allow anymore beatings!  Don’t allow any more LOSS!
 
Okay… so I’ve got this… I understand it now… I need to stand firm to nurture my “good” relationships as opposed to running away from them also… I need to believe that they still care just like they did yesterday… they are not cross with me (mommy was cross with me many years ago… not my good friends today)… they still love me the very same today as they did yesterday… they still accept me… they still want me in their lives… I’M OK… YOU’RE OK…
 
So, even if a part of me is struggling to believe it… I must… MUST continue to nurture those “good” relationships and to keep them close… I NEED THEM! 
 
It’s the hardest thing to go against what the negative psyche is demanding… DANGER!  RUN!  NOBODY LOVES YOU!  YOU’LL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING! etc. … I can’t explain what it feels like… I have to keep telling myself… IT’S OKAY… THEY DO LOVE YOU STILL… YOU’RE NOT BAD… THEY NEED YOU TOO… IT’S OKAY… IT’S OKAY… IT’S OKAY…
 
So, I send a friendly WhatsApp message, because I realise that’s what I need to do… it’s hard… but it’s healing, especially when they respond, just the same way they did yesterday… nothing has changed… except my perception… my self-talk… I’ve been allowing myself to hear the voices from my past again…
 
Will those voices ever cease?  How dare they continue to unsettle me so powerfully… I must keep on taking my power back… I must never give in to “them”… I must NEVER give up on the battle of my life! 
 
That just made me think of another poem I once wrote… sorry… it’s a longish one… (I posted it on my blog before on the 2nd September 2015, if you want to go see what I wrote about it then… I have updated it today, as I do all my works as I gradually grow stronger and with more understanding, emotional maturity, etc.)
 
THE BATTLE OF MY LIFE
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za

The battle of my life was a bitter one indeed,
A fight to overcome abuse on the battlefield of need!
All alone I fought the evils of my past,
Every haunting enemy, until I’d killed the last!
But somehow I couldn’t beat them, for the enemy was large,
They advanced on me so often with their mighty battle charge!
The ghosts of the past I called them, with their cruel and nasty ways,
The abusers of the innocent would haunt my future days!
So often I would beat them, but always they’d return,
Just to mock and tease and cause my soul to burn!
But some mighty force within me would put out each blazing fire,
As I grew a little stronger and climbed a little higher.
It was the battlefield of memories and the battlefield of guilt,
Where I fought the strongest enemies in the place that we had built.
It was very rare indeed for a friend to join me there,
In the battle of my life, most couldn’t understand the fear.
Some would take up arms and join me, but only for a day,
For the battle was too difficult and very few would stay.
Some would stand quite out of reach and hear my desperate shout,
Then throw my words right back at me, in a twisted, teasing clout!
They’re the ones, who claimed my friendship, but never really cared,
The pain they caused was devastating, much more than I had feared!
My battle then was lonely, and never seemed to end,
I had to learn the hard way, there’s only ‘One’ whose aid will send.
When I fell upon my knees before the enemy so strong,
And looked toward the Heavens, begging to heal the wrong,
My God looked down upon me with mercy in His Eyes,
And helped me win my battle to the enemies’ surprise!
For He would send true friendship, His Love I can’t deny,
To give the strength I needed to stare the enemy in the eye.
For these rare friends stood their ground and fought right there by my side,
A force so strong and mighty, on which I trusted and relied.
They sustained and helped me through the trials that seemed the worst,
My trusting, loyal friends who helped defeat “the curse”.
Understanding, loving friends were the best gifts that I had,
On my battlefield of life, where I fought my past of bad.
With them I could defeat the beast that caused the war,
And leave that awful battlefield, victorious and sure.

(11th August 99)

A long weekend starts tomorrow for us here in South Africa.  I have one more blog post to catch up on all I felt t share with my readers… hopefully this week, and then I need to get some more self-editing work done on my book!  I must make the absolute most of my quiet time at work right now.
 
Thank you for sharing with me. 
 
~ Panayiota

    
Four very generous donations were sent to us over July, ranging from R200 to almost R5000, so all in all, we received just over R7000 as a gift to us from the kind hearts of others.  If I remember it all, I would like to share with my readers what my son and I spent this wonderful blessing on.
 
Lawn mower and weedwhacker:  We urgently needed those ever since our last neighbours moved away a few months ago.  They were so kind and used to mow our lawn for us.  With our new lawnmower, we will do our best to mow our own lawn, and the neighbours whose lawn we share.  They are very old and would not be able to do it themselves.  The old man recently broke his pelvic, so we will be only too pleased to give them a hand with our brand-new lawnmower and weedwhacker, whenever possible… such joy!  A big thank you to all those who assisted us during our times without a lawnmower, and now it’s time to pay-it-forward with the greatest of pleasure.  We bought a box of extra nylon cord for the weedwhacker so that we have a supply on hand each time it runs out in the machine.  We also bought a good quality grass rake.  The cheaper ones handing next to it in the store already had teeth missing before they were even sold, so we decided against one of those!
 
Lock for our hobby room door: We were amazed to find that instead of the R500 that our handyman quoted for a new door lock for our glass doors in our new hobby room, my son was able to find one for R155.95 at our local hardware store… we were both very pleased about that!  My youngest son who has not yet proved to be in any way handy around the house, installed the locking system himself… I was so proud of him.  I’m actually very proud of all my children right now, they grew up never even being allowed to touch or hold their stepfather’s tools in their hands… we lived in squalor conditions when they were growing up, yet my older boys in particular and my daughter and children-in-laws are all very much into building, painting, improving their homes and lives and the lives of their children, etc. I cannot begin to tell you how much this means to me… and to see my youngest son doing his little bit in our home too, brings a real sense of peace and joy to my heart and mind.
 
Vacuum cleaner:  Before we got a proper vacuum cleaner, I couldn’t wait anymore, so with the gift I bought myself a Roto Clean (a kind of push vacuum that flicks dirt into a container with its rotating bristles… Even though it’s not as strong or as big as the one’s I remember from my childhood, I don’t feel it’s a waste of money, because I cannot use a vacuum due to the dust (allergens) that still escapes a vacuum when it’s running.  And sweeping also sends dust flying, so the Roto Clean is perfect for me to keep floors clean when my sister’s helper, Esnath, is not able to come help.  A lot of dust comes into our house each day.  I see gaps where our ceiling meets the wall and wonder if that’s where a vast majority of the dust is coming from… I don’t know the words for the strip that connects the ceiling panels to the wall (like the skirting board on the floor end of the wall), so will share a photo of what I’m talking about.
 
We did buy a vacuum the other day though, when we had a chance to go to the shops.  As we hadn’t bought a new vacuum in years we had no clue what would work best and ended up buying a Genisis… which Esnath will try today if she comes, and I just hope it works well.  My daughter also gave us her old one after we had bought the new… hers, being so old does have a few problems (pipe and filter falling out) and probably won’t last much longer, but will be good to do the initial vacuuming with, because it’s been a long time since we could do the job properly.  If the new vacuum works well, we might then pass the old one onto someone else in need.  (any vacuum is better than no vacuum) It will be so good to de-dust this house properly at last!
 
Garden help:  I asked Shem to come help us prepare our garden for Spring.  He came the day before yesterday to clean up our garden and dig the veggie patch and he came yesterday to finish off the walling that needed to be done to separate the veggie patches and stop flooding and soil erosion during heavy rainfall.  He will finish that job later today when the first phase brick laying has dried enough.  We bought the sand and cement with the donation gift and pay Shem R100 for each day that he helps us.  He generally only needs half a day to finish each job… and each job is well worth R100 for the immense effort he puts in.  I would need four days of his assistance this month and once the concrete is all dry, I will need him to visit another day to help fully prepare our veggie gardens for summer planting… for that we bought bags of compost, potting soil and manure as well as ferterliser to refresh the garden beds well.
 
Dusting:  Shem will also come on one day to do high dusting of our two bedrooms and the lounge.  That help is desperately needed right now.  Every now and then it’s good to make sure that the house is as dust free as possible, so I’m really grateful that he is willing to come and do that for us.  I’ll get a dust mask for him to wear when he does the job.  We have brick walls in our house, and every brick jutting out collects dust on it (Oh how I wish the walls were plastered).  Shem will even need to vacuum or sweep the walls to sort that problem out.   He works thoroughly and fast and is such a pleasure to receive help from as a result. 
 
Vitamins:  With the extra money this month, I decided to try some vitamins that I feel I could really do with, and because my far-away sister went onto vitamin D recently, I decided to give it a go also… because what’s good for her must be good for me too, because she already suffers far worse than I do with arthritis… so I bought a bottle of vitamin D3. 
 
I also bought slow release Magnesium, because I know that helped me to sleep in the past and I really struggle to sleep a lot of the time these days… and it’s really been helping since I bought it. 
 
I spoke to the pharmacist about my tummy issues and he suggested, Aloe pills called Natrelax, to help with regularity which I suffer terribly from due to no longer eating carbs, sugars, etc.  The Natrelax has been working well but has the worst taste ever for me… absolutely horrible tasting tablets that I now dread putting into my mouth… but for now, they seem to work… So for now, I don’t seem to have an option.  I’ve tried other things, and either they are too expensive or don’t work well enough.
 
A while back I bought vitamin B co to try help with stress levels causing my lips and the sides of my lips to turn red, burn and peel… it flares up for a while, looks terrible, dries and starts to peel and as it looks like it’s healing, it’s suddenly back again!  I’m self-conscious enough without that problem!
 
I’ve been taking the Vit D3 and the B co on odd days, to make it last…
 
But… the gout has been threatening since this last weekend and I’ve been wondering why… could just be stress and a few recent triggers that caused some emotional setbacks causing it.
 
So, I decided to look up the vitamins on the net… I love what I found out today which I hope will be helpful to some of you too:
 
Vitamin D3
https://vitamindwiki.com/Gout+and+Vitamin+D
The relationship of gout to calcium and vitamin D is complex. Gout is associated with insulin resistance, low vitamin D levels, and inflammation, all of which interfere with muscle synthesis. One study has found that patients with gout have lower vitamin D3 levels correlated with higher urate. Mar 14, 2018
Gout and Vitamin D | Vitamin D Wiki
 
Magnesium:
https://goutandyou.com/gout-and-magnesium/
Magnesium will lower your blood pressure making your heart work more efficiently reducing any excess strain on it. The more your blood flows smoothly in your body, the more excess uric acid your body can remove avoiding any crystallization in the joints which can cause a gout attack. Actually magnesium has been shown to be an effective treatment for acute cases of gout
 
This is good news to me, because since I put on the extra 4 ½ kg’s since May due to upsets that have unsettled my eating pattern control-ability, I found that I was waking nights with a mild headache… wondered if that extra weight was already affecting my blood pressure!  I have to get my eating under control again!  I cannot let it get anywhere near where I used to be!  I truly believe I was on deaths doorstep back then!  NEVER AGAIN!!! 
 
https://draxe.com/magnesium-supplements/
(Scroll down the page on this internet link, until you get to number 4 of the 9 important magnesium benefits section)
Magnesium helps relax muscles within the digestive tract, including the intestinal wall, which controls your ability to go to the bathroom. Because magnesium helps neutralize stomach acid and moves stool through the intestines, taking magnesium supplements is a natural way to help you poop!
 
Also, good news for me… I’m sure it will help with the IBS “pain in the abdomen” symptoms as a result!!!
 
Vitamin B complex:
Vitamin B12 | Natural Medicine Journal
https://www.naturalmedicinejournal.com/journal/2011-11/vitamin-b12
Use cautiously in patients with a history of gout, or elevated uric acid levels, as the correction of megaloblastic anemia with vitamin B12 may precipitate gout in susceptible individuals. ... Avoid in patients sensitive or allergic to cobalamin, cobalt, or any other vitamin B12 product ingredients.
 
Maybe I need to stop the vitamin B co for a while and see if these gout-threat symptoms improve what happens when I start taking them again… maybe the vit B12 in it is predisposing towards the gout.  I really don’t need that terrible acute gout agony again!  EEEEK!
 
Clothes for my son:  We still have enough donation money over to take my son shopping for new underclothes, socks and two more work shirts, so that’s next on the list and probably all that we will have money left over for.  As soon as he has time off again, we will go shopping for what he needs.  Probably the Saturday after next, because he will be having the weekend off then.
 
 
It has been such an incredible joy to be able to buy all these most needed supplies at last and get so many important things done.  We are very grateful to those who have helped us last month and over all the times before.  My older children included… and to the people who have helped me with second hand clothes also.  What a blessing you all have been… thanks you so much!
​
 
So, all that’s left right now that we would still ask assistance with would be:
A bath to shower swap… Anything from R4000-R5000 I believe would be enough for that… also to retile the bathroom, because so many tiles have fallen off the walls and broken, so it’s not pretty to look at and reminds me of where we’ve come from… I’d rather it looked a bit more like where we’re heading.
 
I’d also like to raise at least R2000 worth of petrol money to get me too and from my home to Unisa over the time of the students’ workshops in November.
 
We’d love to have the dripping tap sorted out in the kitchen, so that might be the very next thing on our list after buying my son’s clothes.
 
And most important now, is to get my computer and printer sorted out.  I have been unable to use my printer ever since we changed the ink in it… just some setting, or something went wrong… and my computer is so slow and flashes a lot to connect to each page I try to go to… like Outlook, Word and even online… it’s so frustrating and time consuming!  It also doesn’t do some of the time saving things I used to have on my last computer, so I guess those are just settings.  I will have to take it in to the computer store sometime for help with these problems.
 
The very last thing I’d ask for after everything else, would be for money to help me get some clothes and underclothes for myself.  I really do need that, but everything else is more important for now.
 
Much gratitude to a beautiful world out there.
 
~ Panayiota

28 July: My youngest son arrived home from work around 20h30 and at around 21h30, he went to close the neighbours gate, because it had been left open for hours already!  Their house lights were off, which means that they had just decided to leave the gate open (or forgotten to shut it), which totally exposes our car to would be thieves passing by, as we share the carport… each of our gates closing together at the center.  Our car may as well have been parked out on the street!  The neighbour has destroyed their gate motor, so now they just pull the gate open and closed and don’t lock it, so we have little protection, even when they have closed it!  We could lock the two gates together giving the neighbours a copy of the key, but with their son coming home all hours of the night (possibly intoxicated), we can’t take that chance.  So, I am still feeling very uncomfortable and unsafe in my own home due to this problem.  The noisy and offending “gate-crasher” has been reported to our complex body corporate though, by three neighbours, so hopefully at least the gate will be fixed soon so my son and I can be safe again.
 
29th July: I went to church in the morning and absolutely loved the talks, although they were mostly emotional today, they were beautiful and truly from the heart.  I love when people feel safe in a crowd to share freely from their hearts in a genuine, unforced and unexpected way.  It’s not something we see often these days.  I found myself crying with them, but only because of the love, faith and hope that I could feel from them and felt with them, and not because of their sadness and pain.
 
After church, I went to my daughter and son in law’s house for lunch.  While I was there, they washed my car and my son in law fixed the idling on my car… unbelievably, that’s what the problem has been all this time… it had nothing to do with the timing or air flow meter.  I am so grateful we were spared that expense.  He is such a fantastic young man who learned many skills and a great work ethic from his own father… he’s always building or fixing things and is such an inspiration to me.  I’m so grateful that my daughter was blessed with a truly good husband.
 
1st August:  After less than 5 hours sleep last night, it's been another kind of day, but somehow, I did get work done... watered my thirsty garden (long overdue) and wrote letters to all our provisional students to encourage them to finish their registrations by making their payment so I can send them their study packs.
 
Bit my inner cheeks bad in my sleep last night... owee!  Thank goodness that doesn't happen often!  Usually only when there’s a certain kind of stress trigger getting to me… not sure what this time around!  Maybe still connected to the “sirens” panic attack thing that happened on the 27th July…?
 
2nd August:  Less than 5 hours sleep last night… felt terrible all day!  I was invited out in the evening by the most fun bunch of girl-friends, but couldn’t accept… I was just too tired to function anymore.
 
3rd August: I slept well last night due to pure exhaustion but still had quite a difficult “drifting day” again… dissociating quite a bit.  I went to post a student’s study pack and popped into the pharmacy while I was there.  After chatting with a very helpful pharmacist, I bought myself some magnesium tablets to help myself to sleep.  I also bought the magnesium, because it helps with abdominal cramps, as well as for digestion and regularity which I need help with.  My strict diet has created some havoc with my tummy-works!
 
I also bought some vitamin D3 to help with bone health… I was told a while back after having a bone density test that I needed to be on something but could not afford to stick to that medicine-regime.  My little sister in America has just been told to go onto vitamin D, so I decided to join her on that as we both suffer from aching joints… her arthritis is a whole lot worse than mine though, so I’d imagine it would be advisable for me to follow her Dr’s recommendations, in the hopes that I prevent my own aches and pains from worsening as I age further.  The Vit D I will only take every few days though to make them last longer… I think it’s better to have some every now and then at least, than none at all. 
 
4th August:  Nighbour revving loudly outside my yard during the morning.  Well… I didn’t go out to look, so I can’t guarantee it was him… but it sure sounded the same.  I worried that other neighbours would think it’s us, because the revving was happening outside our yard… Which reminds me of the time the neighbour washed one of the cars he brought home to mend… put the cars carpets out on our lawn to dry when they have a perfectly good lawn of their own on their side of the carport drive… weird… but I let that one go.  Some things just aren’t worth getting all discombobulated about!  (I’m sure that’s not the right word, but it sure sounded just right to me!)
 
Work has been quiet which is has proved to be a problem for me… I still struggle with disconnection when it’s too quiet… tend to dissociate more… but, thankfully I have managed to get a lot of work related checking and updating done anyway… just by persisting through the dissociative episodes and refusing to give into them!
 
Bewildered:  Sr. Cecilia’s letter missing… found in Trash.
That was weird… on the 16th July, sister Cecilia wrote to me and sent me a photo she had of our mother, my brother, sister and me.  It was a photo I’d never seen before and one that was taken while our mother was still married to our abusive stepfather, or just after her divorce from him.  Sr. Cecilia remembers me as Patricia Jooste… the name I was called by when our mother was married to the child molester… I absolutely HATED that name for so many years, as mentioned in recent blog posts.  Jooste was the stepfather’s surname.  I had no identity of my own back then… probably 14 years when the photo was taken, because Sr Cecilia said in her letter that she left Rhodesia 1971, so the photo was probably taken in 1970.  I am going to keep that photo to publish in my book rather than share it now, because it tells quite a story of its own.  As sister Cecilia wrote about me in the photo when she sent it: “You are at the back and looking very grown up.” Yes… in the picture, my sister, brother and mother are sitting in front of me… my mother looks so young… I don’t remember her ever looking so young… I’m standing behind them with my arms around reaching them… I’m sporting a dreadfully puffy-poodle hairstyle… must have been the rage back then, but when I look at it now, it’s far too old for a 14-year-old!  I had become “the little mommy” from when I was very young… so often already taking care of my own siblings and mother.  A part of me was indeed already very grown up… I had lost my childhood before I’d even experienced it… and a part of me was still very young, younger than a 14 year old, but that part was already broken and trapped somewhere deep inside of me.
 
What baffled me today though, was to realise that since the 16th July when Sr. Cecilia sent me that photo, I had not responded to her yet.  It seemed so weird to me, because I didn’t feel that the photograph had upset me… why had I kept forgetting she had written… kept forgetting to write back to her… what was that all about… so I decided to go look for the letter, so I could write back… but I could not find it.  I was totally baffled.  I searched my computer, but it was nowhere to be found.  Hours later, I decided to look in my Outlook Trash folder… and lo and behold, there it was… had I deleted it after sending the picture to my sister days before… WHY?  I look at Patricia’s smile in the photograph… I don’t believe it was real… did Patricia delete the photo… and then I forgot yet again to respond to Sr. Cecilia… (it’s the 6th August now, as I am compiling this blog post… tomorrow I must write to Sr. Cecilia… I must not forget or subconsciously stop myself from doing so again!)
 
Back to my book at last!
 
Early am – Wrote on Facebook:
I’m hoping to work on my book today, but lacked sleep once more and feeling deep-draining tiredness again... could be mental avoidance happening (“dissociative chronic fatigue syndrome” as I now call my deep-tiredness thing)... but once I start on the book again, I know I will be fine... it's just getting there that's the problem... I would rather be totally chilling on the top of a mountain or on a beach somewhere... So, switching off FB and everything else so that there's no excuses or distractions and opening the book onto my desktop now... I'll update you on it later... let's hope I can get it right!
 
Late pm – Updated on Facebook:
I managed six hours of book-work today... not bad for the first day back with it. I will take a break now.  I only managed to start on the book at 11am... procrastinated until then, but once I started it was full steam ahead and I'm hooked again!  I reached a particularly difficult part now which I don't want to tackle before bed time.
 
I stopped on page 26 of 201... (175 pages still to go) ... but the book might still grow a bit, because I have some more important memories to add which I remembered and added last year before the computer crash... they can't be left out.  Hopefully, I will be able to shorten areas also... I've got to work on that too!
 
5th August
Please Father in Heaven… please restore what was lost…
This morning I went to church and I’m so glad I did, even though I had a tough start to the day.  My family (second son, daughter in law and three grandchildren) arrived later than usual, and so I sat alone in the pew for longer than usual, so that could have initiated a change in my emotional strength for the day.  While I’m alone in the pew, I become anxious that someone else will come sit there which will leave no place for my family to sit with me… I also worry about my family until they arrive.  (I guess I’m not too good with suspense).  My family also like to sit near the front of the church, which is okay for me when they are with me, but I do feel uncomfortable whilst I’m sitting alone there… I somehow feel exposed and don’t feel 100% in a comfort zone of my choice.  If I had someone to sit with me until my family arrived, I’d do a lot better.  But having said that… the very fact that I go to wait for my family there in the first place is something I already recognize as growth… even courage… so, I’m not doing too bad.  And it’s always the best feeling when my family do eventually arrive… I especially love my grandchildren’s hugs as they pass me to take their seats.  I still sit at the end of the pew… I cannot be trapped between people as that could set me up for the possibility of a tearful panic attack!
 
As Sacrament was being served, I really thought about it all this time around.  What my therapists religious pushing did to me during the transference and counter-transference breakdown phase of our therapy which still hurts me so much… almost unbearably at times.  At the same time, the neglect, condemnation and finger pointing judgements of many of our church family at that time… that further damaged, broke and took away from my children and I.  I lost so much of “the way I used to believe” during that time… I still don’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing, or if I’m richer or poorer for it, but I have since then, greatly missed all that was lost. 
 
Religious trauma syndrome is a “real thing”… a terrible thing… and I still have a sense of how cruelly it was forced and inflicted on me… just as child abuse is forced and inflicted on the innocence of a child… so too, I believe it was, what happened to me in therapy, because it took away so much of what used to come very naturally to me… what used to feel so “right”… another hole in the soul took its place…
 
In our church, there are rules about taking Sacrament… one must be worthy… etc.  I wonder what would be said of me, if “they” were given the opportunity to judge me on where I am today… for starters, I don’t pay my tithing, because my diet needs have become so important to sustaining my health, and with all the unexpected expenses for a good few months now, our finances have been extremely strained… They could not guarantee any help to me for covering our needs… so this is where I am with that today and indeed, it doesn’t feel good, because I believe that where you put yourself, you must also be prepared to follow the rules and status quo there… it would be expected… but my health needs are also very important to me and I cannot let that go or mess with it… I never again want to be as obese or as unhealthy as I used to be.  I also do not attend church religiously… so… am I un-righteously taking the sacrament when I do attend? 
 
I had all these thoughts turning in my head… If only they knew why I am taking it still… how important it is that I don’t give up on at least the ritual of taking it… my desperate work to reconnect with what was taken away from me… if only they knew… if only… then what…
 
This is one journey I must take alone in this world… it’s between me and my Maker… in Him I trust completely… His Love I do not doubt at all… I feel His warm embrace so often… I know He is with me always, no matter where I am at any one time of my life… He has never forsaken me.
 
I am not alone in this world and never have been.
 
As I listened carefully to the words of the sacrament prayers, I prayed so hard… literally begging and pleading with my God… “Please Heavenly Father, please give me back what was lost.  Please restore to me what used to sit so easily in my heart and so comfortably.” 
 
And after the sacrament, when the first few people stood up to bear their testimonies and I heard how “they still had it”… how precious it must be… “to still have it”… I found myself crying bitterly from some place deep inside of me… stifling my tears so as not to make a spectacle of myself… stemming the flow with a bundle of tissue… suffocating on the agony inside of me… SUFFOCATING on my sadness!!!
 
But it was then that I began to feel the genuine warmth of “Heaven’s Hug”… as sure as if the Arms of my God wrapped around me and embraced me tightly… reassuring me… totally accepting me exactly as I am, right there, in a congregation that might otherwise choose to judge and reject me… or so I fear, going by all that had happened before in the other church where I used to believe I belonged, before my children and I experienced so much hurt there. 
 
Things always seem to fall to pieces, so I’ve come to expect it… it happened when I was a child… it happened in my marriages… it happened in that other church… it happened in therapy… it happened to some of my most cherished friendships… I have felt the threat of it recently in another important group that I considered family… it’s has even happened in family, in some vitally important (to me) areas where I have always wanted with all my heart to experience unconditional love and complete belonging… but there has been growing doubt… a feeling of how since my childhood, it has all been an illusion… my dream world of what love is meant to be has been just that… a dream world… and this I find very painful to my heart
 
That sense of being completely “Embraced by Heaven” overwhelmed me to sense of immense gratitude, and from that moment on I was able to hold my head up high again… there was a smile in my heart and once again, I truly felt very blessed and completely LOVED ♥
 
I left church after the sacrament service, and for the rest of the day, I did struggle with a lot of anxiety (typical after a deep emotional surge in public like I had earlier at church) … the chemical change kind of anxiety, where I feel a horrid vibrating throughout my body… almost as if I’ve been poisoned… everything starts to ache… even my skin… my heartbeat does not feel healthy… I feel like I’m going to faint and just want to go lie down somewhere… and I start to ache all over, even my skin burns… I developed an almost instant feeling of gout threat in my right foot as I walked (if I stepped wrong) … I felt positively awful… and on high alert, as though I am in danger… afraid to die!  I did improve as the day progressed though.
 
6th August
I’m happy to say that there’s another little cape sparrow who loves to chirp his little head off in the early hours of the morning’s.  He’s not nearly as loud as the last and doesn’t chirp right outside our home every morning… he doesn’t chirp as long as the other one did either, but, oh, how my heart rejoices when I hear him, and he reminds me to thank my Father in Heaven for another new day… another chance to do all that I still dream to do.  I’m so happy he chirped near our home this morning.
 
Today Shem came again to help us in our garden.  He is such a wonderful, hardworking man… a man who works with pure integrity.  He is a humble man, so willing to please.  It still worries me terribly that he is the kind of man who would be so easily used and abused by those who do not have a heart for another human being and all that they have to offer in this world.  I feel so blessed by Shem’s hard-work ethic and cheerful willingness to do all he can to serve others.  He is a man deserving of respect and goodness in return for what he gives so freely and willingly to others.  Today, Shem helped by cleaning up our yard, pulling out old plants, tilling our soil and beginning the preparation of our garden for spring planting, and because of the recent generous donations we received, we are even going to finish off the brick work in our back yard vegetable garden, to divide the beds which will help with preventing water run-off and flood damage during heavy rains and also give us something to walk on, so that we don’t have to step into the soft soil and beds to do the weeding, etc.  Shem will probably come to do the brick work tomorrow.  What a gracious-gift from Life he has been to us. 
 
Thanks so much for sharing with me today.  I wish you all well and pray my blog shares are helping in some way.
 
~ Panayiota.

After losing all the self-editing work I had already done on my book in June last year due to the devastating computer crash, I'm hoping to get back to working on my book again today, but lacked sleep once more and feeling that deep-draining tiredness again... could be mental avoidance happening (dissociative chronic fatigue syndrome)... but once I start on the book again, I will be fine... it's just getting there that's the problem...

I would rather be totally chilling on the top of a mountain... or on a beach somewhere than mulling over my past again just to finish the book.

So, switching off FB and everything else so that there's no excuses or distractions and opening the book onto my desktop right now...

I hope I can get it right! I have to get that book finished now... it will be a dream come true for me to have my life's work published at last, in the hope that it will make a difference for good in this world!  

TO STOP CHILD ABUSE AND ALL OTHER FORMS OF ABUSE!

Have a good day everyone... ♥

~ Panayiota