Started about two weeks ago and only finished now:
 
My eldest son is going through another transition.  His work is moving him to another city far away, so he moved out of his old home at the end of July and moved in with my youngest son and I for two weeks. 
 
Our house is small… so it was hectic with all his stuff here, but somehow, we made it all fit in the lounge area while he sorted through it and decided what to take with and what to leave.  So, we were comfortable.  I also emptied two large drawers for him to use.  It’s all a long story, but to keep it really short and to the point (which is usually impossible for me), I just wanted to write about what a blessed time it was to have him here and to share such lovely moments with him.
 
I can remember the years of experiencing mother-agony, when he was so lost as a result of the abuses, tragedies and losses he experienced as a child.  Judgments and lack of understanding love from the world added to his sufferings and made things so much worse.  He withdrew from not only the world, but even from me.  During that time of separation from my son, I suffered deeply… and the longing for my son’s love to return to me added to deep guilt that I suffered for not being able to spare him from the abuse and struggles he had faced as he was growing up, no matter how hard I tried (and I did indeed try so hard).  I truly suffered the most agonising constant and unbearable anguish while our hearts were separated as a result of his difficult childhood. 
 
I wrote many poems expressing the pain I bore over all those years… one of them below: 
 
LOST... UNTIL “ETERNITY”
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
So much sorrow in knowing I cannot fix our love
To the way that it was before
To the days when you’d sing to me: “Mother of Mine”,
And I’d sing to you: “Ben”.
 
So much terrible pain fills the void between then and now
So much genuine love we shared then
LOST!  Lost somewhere... somehow
Lost in the darkest foreboding forest...
The one I used to know
The one I visited when I was a child
 
So, if anyone understands... sadly, I do!
A very lonely, hurting place where love and trust are trapped
With seemingly no possible escape!
No hope for a sunrise tomorrow
No hope in a genuine embrace... like before
No hope in ever knowing the truth again
The unconditional love we once shared
Lost forever… here, in this desolate place.
 
And so, I know all that is left is for me to hold on
For Eternity
That beautiful place
The only promise that still exists
On the other side of this awful tormenting divide
There, one lovely day... to meet you again
My son
A mother’s love that won’t ever give up
A loving memory returned and understood completely
To trust once again in our love... mother and son
I will endure for that day I know will come
Where this horrible pain can no longer destroy...
 
UNFAILING HOPE
DIVINE HEALING
TRUST RESTORED
HEAVEN’S LOVE
 
NO MORE TEARS
REJOICE!
 
~ Panayiota
(March 2013)
 
One thing that Life could NOT take away from me was my love for my son.  And I knew from my own experience, that only TRUE and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE could ever lift the curse that had so cruelly torn us apart. 
 
I wrote:
 
ONLY LOVE CAN LIFT THE CURSE!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
He doesn’t want people to know him,
For he no longer knows himself,
He doesn’t want people to feel for him,
Because he no longer feels much for himself!
 
He doesn’t want people to celebrate for him,
For he celebrates not for himself,
He doesn’t want people to love him,
For he doesn’t love himself!
 
Don’t live for him; don’t die for him,
Don’t even exist for his life,
For he’s no longer living or dead,
And he doesn’t exist for himself!
 
He denies that he has a problem,
Yet he struggles in a lonely place,
Where he’s tried to rub out his own feelings,
And has even erased his own face!
 
Don’t hate him for who he’s becoming,
You will only make things so much worse!
Love him regardless, I beg of you,
For Only Love can lift the curse!
 
~ Panayiota
(8 June 2000)
 
And so, I never, ever gave up on loving my son and believing in his beautiful spirit… the spirit I recognised in him when he was just a little boy.  Over the years of my anguish, I hid my tears and pain from him and kept contact by regularly sending brief (unemotional) message via WhatsApp or SMS mostly… just a “Hello… Have a happy day… Lots of love, Mom” kind of message.  
 
I followed through with this for years and in so doing, I proved my absolute truth… that Only Love can lift any curse… because it did!  I have my son back today.  I have his trust and his love.  We are able to have long, deep philosophical conversations on a level of mutual understanding and connection. 
 
I ache now, only because of those who still reject, judge and condemn him negatively and continue to project their negative curses onto him.  If only, they could see him in the way I do, they wouldn’t dare add to his struggles with their neglectful and hurtful judgments.  They would do all in their power to spend more time with him.  To accept and acknowledge his uniqueness and true worth in such a way as to strengthen him and lift him from all that has hurt him and held him back and still threatens to continue hold him back today, because that’s what childhood trauma does… it’s a lifelong threat and struggle that does not need to be added to by a harsh and judging world!
 
I was so grateful to my daughter and her husband, and my brother and sister in law and youngest son, all of whom went out of their way to acknowledge my eldest son with their genuine love during his two-weeks stay here.  They also treated his three children with such patient love and accepting goodness when they visited over the weekend.  Acknowledging, accepting and loving his children is also acknowledging, accepting and loving him… just as loving my children and grandchildren is the same as loving me… there’s no half measures or in-betweens.
 
I’ve been questioning love and trust just lately…
My youngest son inherited his deceased dad’s car recently and we asked permission to park it inside our complex.  Our house’s (one car) carport opens onto the road, so we needed to park his car inside for safety.  At a small monthly fee, this was granted.  He was told to park next to an outhouse on the grass.  A couple of times he was shifted to new positions inside the complex by residents, but eventually, he had his parking on the grass against the outhouse wall and all seemed good for quite some time… at least his car was safe at night. 
 
Around the same time as my eldest son came to stay for two weeks while he prepared to move to work in another city, we asked permission to have a gate put into our back wall, so that my youngest son could get to and from his car inside the complex without going all the way around on the street to enter at the main gate.  Everything seemed great, until my eldest son was also given permission to park for two weeks (only two weeks) inside the complex. 
 
My old next door neighbours who I had gotten so close to over time… (shared vegetables, herbs and preserves from my garden on occasions, had friendly chats with, written regular love notes to via WhatsApp), suddenly decided that two cars parked on the grass at the back was just too much!  They did not come to us, but the old lady… “my friend”… went around rallying support from other neighbours to demand that the cars were moved from the grass area and to refuse us a gate in our back wall!  She is someone who is already well-known for causing problems for residents in the complex, but up till now, we’d been (as I imagined), best of friends!  (I refuse to discuss neighbours with other neighbours, so I was never caught up in that. If I had any gripes, I would go only to one member of the body corporate who I’ve gotten to know and as far as I can remember, I only needed to go to her one when our new direct neighbours were crashing into the carport gate we share and causing our wall to split.
 
So, just like that, our dream gate in the back wall was refused and she was suddenly complaining bitterly about the dead grass under my youngest son’s car.  She caused such a palaver, that a kind friend inside the complex… the body corporate lady, invited both my boys to park at her house, just to keep the peace. 
 
I had longed for that back-wall gate ever since I moved here, so that we’d not only would I have access to the park area, but also so that I could get close to some old folk.  When I left my last area in 2012, I left behind a dear old friend, Norma (it will be the memory of her birthday on the 24th).  I love old folk so much.  Recently an old man died in the house directly behind us in the complex… if I had my back wall gate, I believe that I would have spent time with him, and perhaps even have been able to be with him when he died, so that he didn’t have to be alone. 
 
I have since registered and paid to do a Sacred Dying Doula course, because I never want another old person in our complex to die alone.  It might take me a while to complete the course because I have so many other commitments, such as getting my book done, but I have longed to do this course for many years.  I have sat with many a person crossing over the veil during my nursing years and in my personal life and I find it one of the  most sacred blessings to share with another human being… it’s one place where  my nurturing love is totally accepted and appreciated in every way, and where I can feel totally free to give all the love that I can to another human being… it’s very, very special to me.
 
Whatever happens, I am very hurt about yet another loss of what I believed was dear friends next door.  I have decided that I will not go out of my way to get close to anyone in this complex again, because it seems to me that love and friendship can no longer be trusted freely in this world.
 
If anyone is lonely, I will open my door and heart to them if they visit me, but I will avoid getting close to anyone again here otherwise.  So even if the old lady next door ever needs me, I will be there for her, because that’s who I am… but until such time, I will have nothing more to do with her, because she has betrayed my trust and my friendship with her.
 
My eldest son was going through his own struggle over the last two weeks.  Moving away from his children was very painful to him.  For the first week, he shared real tears with me.  I saw when his children (my beloved grandchildren) came to stay the weekend, what a wonderful dad he is.  I saw how much wisdom he used in dealing with an argument they were having and how beautifully they responded to his wise and gentle counsel. 

It hurt me greatly that selfish, judging neighbours had to add to the hurt by putting their patch of grass before friendship and neighbourliness… before love… before caring for another human beings needs… and to shatter our dream of a back-wall gate with such a cutting, wagging, cruel tongue!  YES… I AM HURT!  Friendship meant NOTHING to her… I had thrown my pearls to swine yet again!
 
I will end with this powerful poem
I absolutely love this poem below.  I know that I share the same poems, etc. in more than one post, but those are what are important for me to illustrate what I’m saying on the day I write, and I’m sure not everyone reads all my (mostly long-winded) posts, so I feel it’s okay to repeat where necessary.  I hope you enjoy this one below… it’s beautiful to me.
 
Please Hear What I'm Not Saying
by Charles C. Finn
September 1966
 
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
 
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
 
But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.
 
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.
 
I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.
 
Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.
 
Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.
 
https://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/4080792/jewish/A-Psychotherapists-Shema-in-Auschwitz.htm/fbclid/IwAR2D68KsanIbsYxL_iB5umEJdb9g2Wmdjv4p6VVWDj8rqmdc6qSUaEofcXc#utm_medium=page_tools&utm_content=desktop&utm_source=FB

​https://themighty.com/2017/08/life-impacting-symptoms-of-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/
 
https://themighty.com/2019/03/habits-living-with-complex-ptsd/?utm_source=newsletter_mental_health&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=newsletter_mental_health_2019-08-12&$deep_link=true
 
Thank you for sharing and for all those who read my blog posts.  I appreciate your support very much.
 
~ Panayiota

p.s. GOOD NEWS!
Good news is, that we have had our bathroom makeover done… I can’t wait to share about that.  I need more time to put some pictures together.  We have the most beautiful dream come true bathroom ever now and I am so grateful to my daughter and son in law for overseeing the purchasing choices and work on that… I love them so much!

Unsplash free photo by: M.T ElGassier

In 2009/2010, during the lasts stages of my therapy journey I was searching on FB for anyone who had information about certain people whose names I could remember from my past.  I also wanted to know if my abusive, child molester stepfather was still alive, because, after all the horrific flashbacks I’d experienced in therapy, I strongly felt that he should not be alive to hurt anymore children or destroy any more lives the way he hurt me and messed up my life so much… If he is still alive, he should be in jail… so it haunted me not knowing whether he was dead or alive! 
 
Yesterday, I saw on my Facebook notifications, messages from my mother!  Somehow, she found my posts on some random search page, from so long ago and responded.  She responded as if she was a stranger, even though my name was right there as I had asked the question. 
 
My reaction to seeing her name pop up on the notifications and reading her stranger responses to those three searches I wrote so many years ago, was extremely disturbing to me. 
 
I knew that I needed HELP immediately to process what was going on in my mind and body, because I was having such a strong negative reaction. 
 
There are people even very close family who have always favored my mother and have never believed anything we’ve told them about her, so I could not turn to them for help, so I sent a message to three people who I felt I could trust most to respond in the right way to help me in the moment… another hasn’t visited in a while, so I felt that perhaps he was too busy to reach out to.
 
I messaged in a disjointed way, because that’s how I was feeling
 
“HELP!  Mother contact on Facebook! I feel sick… frightened… shocked!”
 
It was truly a horrible shock for me to see her name pop up.  I did not even know until yesterday if she was still alive.  I think I was in a comfort zone of not knowing anything… because the not knowing anything was better than the KNOWING… the knowing (if she was dead), would have brought too much pain… (and that she was alive) … FEAR! 
 
SHE’S ALIVE!!!  DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!
 
One of the friends mentioned recently that her phone is broken, so I guess she never received my message.  My other friend was very helpful, in just listening and talking me through it. And the third was also very understanding and in acknowledging my fear without any judgment or doubt in what I was telling him, he made so much difference as well.
 
Our conversation after my HELP! message went something like this
 
Me
it’s on another page where you can search for people.  I was looking for people ages ago during my therapy journey.  I can’t believe my reaction… real fear… anger and tears… head tight and heart pounding!  Blood pressure up, I guess! (and very tired… deep sleep escape tired) But I will be okay… 
 
(Typical of me to add the last sentence, because I don’t want the person that I’m sharing with to worry too much after I’ve shared what’s worrying me so much!)
 
Me
My mother disappeared after practically telling me to F off in 2013 (on Mother’s Day when I was reaching out to her with my love).  I didn’t even know if she was still alive… so it was a huge shock!
 
Friend (His acknowledging and non-judgmental response)
Oh my, that must have been an extremely emotional experience – displacement – almost out-of-body
 
Me
IN 2009, I WROTE ON A SEARCHING FOR MISSING PEOPLE PAGE.  SHE MUST HAVE JUST FOUND IT.  RESPONDED LIKE A STRANGER WHO HAD INFORMATION FOR ME… AND I MUST CONTACT HER…
 
Friend
Very, very strange.
 
Me
Horrible beyond words… feeling panicked… even heart palpitations while I’m writing this to you… so I’d better get busy again!  Busy works 😊
 
Friend
And you’re not going to contact her, right?
 
Me
Right now, I can’t answer that… CAN’T BREATHE EITHER!
 
Instant sense of danger… like I’m imagining (intrusive thoughts), that she wants to know where I live so she can organize to kill me.  On the FB page I wrote that I was writing a book about my life and needed to know about or contact certain people…
 
I need my mentor.  I sent her a message, but she’s on Shabbat…
 
MUST WORK!
 
Friend
Well, you’re not in any danger
 
Me
You don’t know my mother… I’ve seen what she is capable of… very vengeful and powerful!!!
 
Friend
She knows nothing about your current life
 
Me
She might know everything!  That’s the scary part… I wonder if she has seen my blog and now wants to silence me… she’s seriously very dangerous…
 
Friend (still acknowledging my fear… which makes him one of my rare True Friends)
You can make a statement at a police station
 
Me
Who would believe me… she’s so clever… so manipulative… scary as HELL!
 
Friend
It would be the craziest story, I promise you.  And you have every right to do it.
 
Me (sent at the same time as he wrote and sent the above)
I think I need to take some Alzam to calm down… talking about her is making it worse.
 
Friend
Yes, do so.  The pill will work inside of 10 minutes
 
Me (in response to his “craziest story” comment)
Haahaahaaa!  Just what the doctor ordered!  You’re the best!  Feeling much better.  Paradoxical intention… you’d make a great logotherapist :D
 
Friend
Seriously though, if you have a genuine fear, lodge a statement and make it known that you have done this and hint as to what it contains
 
Me
Bless you dear friend
 
End of our conversation
 
I know that there are many out there who will not believe the extent of my fears or the reality of them… you never knew our mother like we knew her.
 
Part of me has longed for my mother’s love all my life… but the woman who scares me so much… I cannot let her near no matter what… too much of a threat to my safety (emotional and physical)
 
The only way I could accept her is if she is dying and I could nurse her for her last days here in this world.  I would love to do that for her (for me), to show her what true love really looks and feels like, even if I could never have it for myself from her.  She would not be a danger to me if she was on her death bed, and I could be her nurturing, loving daughter. I wish I could have that opportunity.  But while she lives free to work her dangerous games, I cannot trust her.  I imagine that now that she knows I’m writing a book; she will do everything in her power to manipulate the contents of my book, even by playing the loving mother cards to get what she wants from me.
 
No… I cannot and must not get involved with her now… I cannot trust her EVER!   
 
I made my decision.  I did Like her comments on the Facebook page to acknowledge her “stranger response” to my search.  But I won’t be contacting her.  I blocked her from looking at my Facebook page and that is about the best I can do to protect myself at this stage. 
 
My blood pressure is still up… still heart palpitations and headache… still deep sleep tired and FEAR!!!  Not feeling safe!
 
I don’t expect anyone else to believe me or understand… YOU NEVER LIVED WITH HER! Unless you’ve ever known RAW FEAR as a child… repeatedly over many years, continuing into your adulthood… how could you believe or understand what I was feeling yesterday and what is still haunting me today. 
 
She is very political… she will have contacts!  
 
SHE SILENCED ME ALL MY LIFE… I DON’T CARE HOW OLD SHE IS… SHE CAN AND WILL STILL FIND A WAY TO DO IT IF THAT’S HER PLAN!  MY FEAR IS REAL!
 
Yesterday I kept as busy as I could… my way of dealing with the HORROR inside of me.  I washed and cleaned, watered the garden, swept and washed some more.  Made a cake for my nephew… told my daughter about what had happened when she called, and she came straight over.  She is an incredible support and a true friend. We went to visit my Dad and gave my nephew his cake.  It was a lovely visit and I felt so much better afterwards, but when I came home, I just kept working… started to “cook for the nation”… mixed over 1 kilogram of mince with chopped onions, green peppers, garlic, and herbs… divided it and put rice into half of it for my youngest son.  We had bought a sack of gem squash the day before, so I filled 12 halves… six for my son and six for me and baked them.  They were still hot from the oven when he arrived home at 20h30… I’d only just sat down when he arrived home and even my dishes were washed already by then!  We ate two stuffed gem squash each, and they were delicious… and I packed the rest for the freezer.  The I divided the left-over mix for another meal another day and packed that also. 
 
Visiting and keeping busy helped me to get through yesterday.  The Alzam calming/relaxing tablet I took earlier in the day helped me so much and I even had a good night sleep thankfully. 
 
Thank you for sharing with me… (please Like my posts if you read them, even if they are not happy posts.  It helps me to feel as though I have friends out there walking by my side on my journey and I’m not alone.  I’m grateful for all who acknowledge my posts here… thank you so much)
 
~ Panayiota
 
P.s.  On my Greek Name Day, I went to visit at my dad’s house to celebrate my nephews 19th birthday with them all there.  It was such a lovely time, that it felt just like old times… like everything was back to how it was before, or at least as close as it’s ever going to get and that’s good enough for me right now.  When I arrived home, I was surprised to see that my green balloon was starting to shrivel… I imagined then, that it had done what it came to do… it had given me hope and helped me to hang on for as long as needed, and now it was going to leave me.  I loved that Green balloon and the comforting message of HOPE that it gave me to hold on…

JUST HOLD ON… THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE, NO MATTER WHAT.

I realised yesterday, that it’s easy to say things about what you believe and to believe things that you say, but it’s not always easy to live up to everything you profess to say or be.  TO WALK THE TALK!
 
I believe that Life tests us on our own beliefs to teach us and show us exactly where we “actually” stand in relationship to what we say and what we say we believe!  It’s up to us to respond to the tests that Life brings to us in whichever which way we feel best at the time and to accept the consequences or gifts that come from the results of our responses.
 
Yesterday I was tested
Anyone who lives in this country, knows how annoying beggars can be.  And entertaining a beggar is downright dangerous also!  If we stop to talk to someone at our driver’s window, it could be a distraction, for a thief sneaking up on the other side of the car, to break the passenger side window and steal a bag.  Practically every red robot that we stop at has beggars approaching the cars.  We have hijackings to fear too.  And if we give to a beggar who comes to our gate, there’s that chance that they take advantage of the fact that we are a giver, they might then keep coming until they totally wear us down, or become a danger to us, our family, our belongings, our pets (poisoning), etc.  That’s the truth about how it is in South Africa, so very often we avoid beggars to protect ourselves, our pets and our property.  Sometimes we even avoid acknowledging them by totally ignoring someone who comes to our car window, until they go away. 
 
I Just remembered a past test and its consequence while I was writing this
I always taught my children to at least smile at a beggar, or to say hello and politely say, “No thank you”… but, one day I was in a big hurry to get somewhere, and as we arrived at the robot, a beggar came close to my window and I immediately shewed him away with my hand.  As I did so, my car stalled and died!  Without being able to restart it, I then had to ask that same beggar for help and pay him!  I laugh about it now, but at the time, I learned a big lesson.  I had not walked my own talk and had to explain this to my children… a big lesson learned for by us all that day!
 
The old beggar
Anyway, yesterday I arrived home from collecting some printing that I needed to pack for a student’s study pack.  I noticed an old African lady walking past my house on the street.  As I drove into my driveway, I noticed her turning back towards my car.
 
Oh NO!  I thought immediately.  I was in a hurry to get the student’s study pack off; I didn’t need this nonsense now! 
 
As she approached my window, I felt annoyed and barely opened it (subconsciously protecting myself).  She started to speak… told me how she was struggling to feed her grandchildren and how she had gone to SASSA (government grants) the day before and…
 
Well, I couldn’t hear what she was saying, because I immediately noticed that she was struggling to speak… choking on her welling tears!  Real tears. 
 
I immediately felt compassion… especially as she mentioned SASSA… I know how horrible and dehumanizing that place can feel!  I opened my window fully and looked her in the eyes… in that moment, I wanted her to know that I was now with her… I was listening to her plea.  She had my full attention.
 
She quickly wiped her tears away and tried to speak, but I still wasn’t getting what she was trying to say and her tears just kept flowing.  I told her I’d bring her some bread and said she could wait by the tree outside my yard. 
 
I drove into my carport, and in those few seconds, everything changed inside of me… I felt a strong call, to live my thoughts and walk my talk!
 
So, before closing the gate, I asked her if she’d like to come inside and she did.
 
I invited the old woman into my home and got her to sit comfortably in my lounge.  She chose my chair with all the comfy cushions on it… it must have looked irresistible to her and I felt happy about that.  I offered her tea and she accepted.  I gave her tea and rusks and while she was enjoying that, I made sandwiches, which she said she’d rather take home for the children.  Used almost the whole loaf of bread that was left over after making my youngest son sandwiches for work in the morning. 
 
I chatted with the old lady whilst packing her sandwiches, and a bottle of cooldrink, and some biscuits, some tissues for her tears (which had now dried, but, should she need them somewhere else), a few vegetables, etc. I also took the only money I had in my bag, R10 and a small pile of change.  I found a nice big material shopping back to put all the stuff into, so that she could hold everything more easily. 
 
She asked me for one thing only while I as doing this for her… she asked if I had any soap for her.  (Thinking about that now, makes me want to cry for her… bless her).  So, of course, I gave her soap… a whole lot of what I could spare and even one of my new Dove bars.
 
Before she left, I asked if she needed the bathroom, pointing at my own… which she did.  I was coming out of my bedroom as she was coming out of the bathroom.  I could see the most incredible gratitude in her eyes… a beautiful smile on her face… she reached out to touch me on my shoulder while she was thanking me.  I had the impression she wanted to hug me.  I saw her to the gate… I had thought about that hug on the way to the gate and did not want to deny it.  I reached over to touch her on the shoulder as she was about to leave… and in that  moment, all fear, all colour, all separation fell away… it was a totally beautiful and spiritual moment as we both embraced and she kissed me on my neck, saying she was going to tell her children about today and thanked me over and over as she walked away with her bag full of goodies.
 
A MOST BEAUTIFUL MOMENT IN TIME!
 
She could have been my mother
Something crossed my mind that made the whole situation that much more special for me personally, as I imagined, that that dear old lady, could have been my mother… she was certainly someone’s mother… someone loves her.  Why should an old lady like that, at least in her 70’s or 80’s, I was sure, have to be walking the streets and begging for help.  Breaks my heart to even think about what she is going through to survive. 
 
My mother knew that I hated being kissed on the neck!  I really hated it so much… so she’d always do it to me and think it was funny!
 
I realised that the little old lady kissed me on the neck, because she was so short and she wanted to leave her loving kiss behind for me.
 
But, was it a coincidence only… or was it a part of the beautiful gift I received yesterday as I imagined that this dear old lady, could easily have been my mother too. 
 
Life surely does have a way of testing us and I pray that I passed my test.
 
I realise that by speaking about it, I deprive myself of further blessings… but I had to share this story with you all… I wanted to share about “Walking the talk”, because I feel it is such an important message at this time… and I also wanted to share about “Life tests”… So, yes, I might have deprived myself of any further blessings, but at the same time, I am totally satisfied with the blessings I received already yesterday, by doing the right thing, according to my own conscience and spiritual dimension working together for good.  It was my moment… it was the old lady’s moment… it was a TRULY SACRED moment where the TRUE and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE I always speak of was shared between two human beings… strangers… spiritual sisters… even a beautiful image and moment in time, of a loving mother and nurtured/nurturing child.
 
I am reminded of the bible verse:
 
Hebrews 13:2 ~ King James Version (KJV)
“Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.”
 
I truly felt as though I’d been touched by an angel yesterday.  I felt as though, in some strange and miraculous way, I was able to give my own mother the love I’ve always longed to give freely to her.  I am sure my own mother is still alive… but who knows.  I dread the day someone calls to let me know she’s died.  I think that will be too painful for me to bear, because it will mean, that all hope of ever having my mother’s love will be forever gone from this worldly existence.  As things are now, I guess that in reality, all I have left to hope in as far is she is concerned, is that there will come a time when I get to Heaven also, and that somehow… some way, things will all be sorted out then and I will at last, have the true and loving relationship I’ve always longed for with my mother.  A part of me feels resentful about all the years she deprived this child (me) of her mother’s love… but I do believe that even those resentments will be sorted out in Heaven… all things will be sorted out and will come right there.
 
“How should I have interpreted such a “coincidence” other than as a challenge to live my thoughts instead of merely putting them on paper?” (Frankl, 2008, p.119) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning
 
Feeling the LOVE!
 
Thank you for sharing this beautiful story with me.
 
~ Panayiota
 
P.s. Today is my Greek Name Day, and as I wrote on Facebook: (shortened)
 
It's my Greek Name Day today... I AM PANAYIOTA!
 
My beloved Greek (step) mom used to wish me Happy Name Day every year, and if she was near, I'd always get a chocolate... it was so special and I will always love her for acknowledging my true identity so beautifully and helping me to feel like I BELONGED.
 
She was the only person who ever consistently called me by my name. I now introduce myself by my true name, Panayiota (named after my Greek yiayia (grandma) on my dad's side), and our newer Logotherapy students know me by that name and it's wonderful to me!
 
I wanted to honour my name and to actually hear it being called, before I died. I don't want it to only ever be recognised on my Gravestone.
 
I also love that I have found the beautiful meaning for my name and know that I need to work hard to live up to it to make my Greek mom and Greek yiayia proud of me.
 
I didn't realise I actually had three Greek Name Days every year... 2 February, 15 August and 26 December! I'm going to be hoping for sugar free chocolates each time... end of story! 😅
 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panagiotis?fbclid=IwAR2yJvD_e71dqUlah3kVeYB_-7GfXjkmSeBK5dKzAHYoJkdXT6CTeZ9fUJ4

​I’m quite sure that some of my readers will tire of my going on about the same things over and over.  But I believe so strongly that when a wounded person is deliberately deprived of another’s portion of love and connection as a result of negative judgement against the wounded person, they are then thrown into a deepened and sometimes an even dangerous state of hopelessness and prolonged suffering and in a sense, abject loneliness (even in a crowd), that hugely hinders their healing, sometimes even until the point of no return and/or even addiction and death.
 
I have been silenced all my life… but no more!  I now write on behalf of others out there whose voices have also been silenced as a result of abuse… may you find your own voice soon.

​Those of us who have been accused of being in the so called “wrong place” according to the harsh and often twisted judgments of others, can be helped most through love and connection from the “right places” … according to me.  Right  places meaning… where love should be coming from… family, churches, friends, work colleagues and organisations that are equipped to encourage and uplift the so called “lost” (evil wrong doers)… and not by expecting the “lost” to be as they are, but rather by totally accepting the wounded one in their uniqueness and their brokenness, with open arms of genuine love, and a will to assist them on their healing journey… understanding that only the unique person can find their own way to healing, and we as their loved ones, mentors, teachers, helpers, counsellors… whatever, are there only to love and uplift and help to open the necessary doors to the REAL & DEEPEST NEEDS of the wounded or different than we are, one in front of us. 
 
“Experiential values are blessings we receive from life.  Experiential values are manifested in what is good, beautiful and true. We open up to what is good, beautiful and genuine.  These things (values) call forth our appreciation; they involve us in a committed way.  The greatest experiential value, however, is love.  Love brings us in vital touch with ourselves and with others whom we experience in all their uniqueness and specialness.  Love can fill us with limitless devotion and arouse feelings of deep caring and responsibility.” (Shantall, 2003, p. 40) ~ The Quest for Destiny
 
It is not for us to decide what will FIX anyone… but rather to humbly open our hearts and minds, in an effort to freely give to them what they truly need for their healing journey, to help them to find the needed strength and courage to FIX THEMSELVES. 
 
Love and connection are so important with genuine, consistent, (convincing and believable), unconditional LOVE being the most powerful healer of all.
 
https://upliftconnect.com/opposite-addiction-connection/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_General_Theory_of_Love (I would like a copy of this book)

​Logotherapy is very helpful for those who need to find their own way through their struggles… especially when they find themselves very much alone in the world… and for especially those who have lost trust in the world due to having been so harshly judged by others and already condemned to hell’s burning flames by some!
 
“Logotherapy tries to make the patient fully aware of his own responsibleness; therefore, it must leave to him the option for what, to what, or to whom he understands himself to be responsible.  That is why a Logotherapist is the least tempted of all psychologists to impose value judgements on his patients, for he will never permit the patient to pass to the doctor the responsibility of judging.” (Frankl 2008: 114) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning
 
“It is, therefore, up to the patient to decide whether he should interpret his life task as being responsible to society or to his own conscience.   There are people, however, who do not interpret their own lives merely in terms of a task assigned to them but also in terms of the taskmaster who has assigned it to them.” (Frankl 2008:114) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning
 
“Logotherapy is neither teaching nor preaching.  It is as far removed from logical reasoning as it is from moral exhortation.  To put it figuratively, the role played by a Logotherapist is that of an eye specialist rather than that of a painter.  A painter tries to convey to us a picture of the world as he sees it; an ophthalmologist tries to enable us to see the world as it really is.” (Frankl 2008:114-115) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning
 
Having come through many years of struggle, with the experience of being judged harshly over and over by those who never really tried to understand or accept my differences, or feared my differences, etc., I have come to understand how destructive the judgments of others can be on the wounded souls of this world.  Judgement causes us to put on defensive armour to disguise our pain resulting in protective anger… (see picture-quote below) … judgement causes us to lose trust and separates us, we might then withdraw (resulting in abject loneliness and aloneness)… 

(Until you know how this feels, don’t even try to answer the questions below, because you more than likely won’t have a clue!)
 
Lost trust, suffocating trapped anger and abject loneliness
Where could or does that take us to?
What choices do we make to end the pain of living like that?
 
Many people find more destructive ways of dealing with the pain of lost trust, trapped anger and loneliness, (ultimately leading to being even further judged by the world that should have loved and stood by us in the first place).
 
Are we still alone to blame for where we end up, or does some responsibility for our heading into “wrong places” or to our demise rest also on the shoulders of those who weren’t there for us when they should have and could have been?
 
STANDBY ABSUERS is what I call them!
 
Without someone who could see our uniqueness and authenticate our worth, and loved and cared enough to help us to see our own strengths and worth, which would surely help us to live our best lives, (even without the trust for, or love from, or connection with those others who should have always been there, standing by our side), how on earth could we easily find our own way to taking responsibility for our lives and behaviours, etc.  If the world tells us we're not good, we might believe that we are no good.
 
REJECTION makes the whole journey that much harder for the wounded person… it delays and hinders our growth and healing… it sets us on “wrong paths”… we become “lost”… and lost and lonely hurts like hell, because it hurts us on a spiritual level.
 
“An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behaviour” (Frankl, 2006, p. 20). 
  
“Something meaningful draws us out of ourselves – it enlarges our vision, enriches us and causes us to grow: to become bigger and better than we are.  Frankl quoted Goethe as saying: “If we take a man as he is, we make him worse; if we take him as he ought to be, we help him become it” (Shantall, 2002, p. 19) ~ Life’s Meaning in the Face of Suffering

​Example of all I’ve been trying to explain above

With all the changes about to happen at work, with us going fully online with our Logotherapy students training as from next year, I have on one hand felt so excited about it, knowing that this will be a good step forward for our Logotherapy institute and the people we serve now and will serve in the future.  We are in the process of announcing the exciting new changes to the whole world, so that all who would like to study with the institute and become a part of our wonderful Logotherapy family, can be welcomed with open arms. 
  
Anyway, with all the changes, our mentor has been working out who will do what… trainers and their duties, etc.  She sent a letter to us all, and in it, my name was down for inclusion as an online webinar trainer… I NEARLY FAINTED!  Went straight into panic mode… instant tears of genuine fear… imagining that my job was over with, because I’d reached as far as I could go with it, and there was nothing more I could do to make any difference… so, I reacted on my panic, by writing the following letter…
 
Letter to my mentor and our training team (with an ever growing sense of freedom and trust to express myself authentically to them)
 
Dear (mentor) and all... you have got me RUNNING at the very thought of live chat with students, and needing to respond to questions, etc.  This is NOT my strength at all, and I don't believe it ever will be.  Maybe I first need to understand what is meant by webinar... if they can and even can't see me and if they ask me questions... it's already OVER... I cannot respond.  My colleague will be holding all the weight and I would be an embarrassed dead weight for this.  I am only able to write... I need lots of time to get my thoughts together.  I can prepare for webinars... present on webinars a prepared subject... and I could create charts, write poems/stories and PowerPoints, etc. around areas that I see the students need more understanding, but I CANNOT ANSWER QUESTIONS.  That's already a given... it's never going to change.  It is the curse that I've been stuck with since my childhood... a curse that has kept me from being a full trainer in the first place!  NOPE... I'm not even going to chance going there.  There would be too much expectation of responsibility and that's when I run, because I only have so much to give and NO MORE!  I'm also wondering how I would cope with marking portfolios, etc. if there were hundreds of people from all over the world registered... I have to be honest... this is scaring me half to death here! I love and fully support the whole online thing, but I can't imagine how I'm going to cope with MORE... it's too scary to make any promises right now or to commit myself to something I know I will not be able to do or keep up with.  I can sacrifice financially, because we've always been taken care of no matter what, but I can't give more of what I don't believe I have.  I'm so sorry... please forgive me for being the weak link... I am doing my best already... I don't know how I could do any better than this and answering questions I DO KNOW I CAN'T DO... I'm sorry to let you all down like this... 

My mentor’s incredibly strengthening Logotherapeutic response brought tears of relief and absolute gratitude to my eyes, because her words put me back into my sense of being completely and utterly accepted in my uniqueness and personal abilities—just as I am… She immediately gave me back my sense of self-worth and took away my brokenness and stupidness tears, replacing them with tears of gratitude, respect, hope and love… she had in just a few words, strengthened me with a will and determination to keep moving forward, with all that I am uniquely capable of doing, without holding onto the shame of not being like the others, or being able to do as they do.  She helped me to feel okay to be me again!
 
Dear Pan,
 
You are NOT letting us down, only making everything clearer.  And here we go again with what is awesomely happening throughout the development of these courses:  as soon as, no, IMMEDIATELY after a suggestion has been made, it is CONFIRMED!  When I responded to our colleagues suggestion of diagrammatic illustrations of the course, saying that it is EXACTLY your forte, here you answer (the very next e-mail I open) to say that that is what you can and want to do and no more.  NO MORE is exactly right!  We each have a UNIQUE role.  The one is not a replica or a replacement of another. No one can take the place of another or take over what they are doing.  The torch is passed to each NEW generation!  
 
We are meant to work TOGETHER.  Each part is needed to form a coherent and magnificent whole!  You are right, you are NOT a trainer and that will NEVER be your role.  YOU ARE TOO IMPORTANT ELSEWHERE!!  I want all of us to stop thinking about ourselves in a negative light.  That you were "shut up" as a child and therefore, out of fear, never gained the confidence to speak outright and forthrightly, is not a curse BUT A BLESSING.  It shaped your talents, prepared your space to occupy.  IT SERVED YOU. Hell opens up heaven's doors!  It was a terrible wrong, yes, and it evoked so much fear, but now, as we recognize that the wrong was simply decapitated in making it serve what is right for you, the curse is turned into a blessing!  It takes the sting out of making you a victim of wrong.  YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM, BUT THROUGH LIBERALIZATION, CAN STEP OUT OF YOUR FEARS AS A VICTOR!  There is no need for fear anymore.  The meaning of your life is at the Head of things now.  Having been brought through the worst, the best is serving you now.  You have meaning at your side.  EVEN NOW YOUR FEARS SERVE YOU:  THEY SHOW YOU WHERE NOT TO GO AND, IN DOING SO, FREES YOU TO WHERE, IN FACT, YOU SHOULD BE GOING!
 
Hallelujah!

​I once wrote:
 
STAND BY ME
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Those who stood by me, they're the ones
Who I'll remember all my days through
The ones that truly believed in me
It's their love that’s true
 
They're the ones that I will share my future dreams with
The ones that I will turn to if ever again I need
They can know my fears and disappointments
It's their love that gave me the strength to endure and succeed
 
Thank you Lord for I was never left alone
Thank you for these friends so very dear
They took away my pain and made me strong
They never gave up and were always there to help and hear
 
I will love them with my deepest gratitude
I will honour them when I remember these days
I will hold them in my heart so very dear
Because of their friendship and steadfast loving ways
 
~ Panayiota

(14th August 1998 – For Porky and Ra, Roy and Hester, Carol (G) and Hazel, Jonathan and my other children, Doris, Michael and Charles, Shev and Greg, Anne and Alec, Emmy, Marius and Dasie, the Youngs, Freeda, Liz, Radio Good News, Brendan and Carol (W), Dave and Breeze.)
 
(It’s good to look back on my old poems and to see some of the names I ascribed with them.  Just a moment in time when these names memorialised below this poem, made so much difference in helping me to get through a most difficult time.)
 
A LISTENING EAR
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You listened when I needed someone to hear
You didn’t interrupt or interfere
You helped me unload my heavy burden
When I was miserable and uncertain
Your reassuring words and friendly smile
Eased my pain for a little while
A friend in need is a friend indeed
And you were there when I had a need
Thank you for being a listening ear
You lifted my spirit when you were near
If I should feel sad, ever again
I hope someone like you will be there to hear my pain
 
~ Panayiota
(July 06, 1995 – To the Wordsworth Tuck Shop ladies, especially Val)
 
Another time I wrote:
 
NO ONE’S LISTENING!
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No one’s listening!  No one’s listening
No one hears or understands
No one’s listening!  No one’s listening
No one cares; no reaching hands
 
All alone I’m bound to travel
The vast reaches of this earth
What is the meaning of my life here
What was the purpose of my birth
 
Why is this battle so endless
When will it ever stop
Will I be judged as a success someday
Or will I forever be judged as a flop
 
Will no one see the real me
Will no one know me true
Will I forever roam this earth
Alone and judged by you
 
When will someone believe in me
Or understand my way
I long for the love of true friendship
To uplift me each new day
 
But no one’s listening-No one hears
All alone I’m bound to be
No reaching hands to show who cares
Because no one’s listening to me
 
~ Panayiota
(22 February 2003)
 
HE’S WORTH IT!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Here we go again
“Get over it!  Get on with it!” You say
“Find a job!  Move on!
Find your own way!”
No thought of his insecurities
No thought of his fears
No thought of his lack of confidence
No thought for all his sad years
No thought of who he really is
Deep, deep down inside
He needs ‘good friends’
He’s worth the effort
His faith in life has died
He’s worth it!  He’s worth it
He’s worth our every hug
Please don’t just sit back untouched
This young man needs our love
Every ounce of energy we have to spare
Could draw him back to life
Could hold him near…
Cast out his fear
He’s worth it.  I plead.  He’s worth it
He’s worth every little bit
Let us work to save him please
And lift him from the dreadful pit
For where he is right now
It’s so lonely and dark
And it’s as dreary as can be
A place where disappearing and death
Is the only way out he can see
 
Please help him; he’s worth it
Please!  Please help him!
 
~ Panayiota
(17 July 2005)
 
(My plea for you dear Dino, with all my love, Aunty Pan – Young friend with an addiction to heroin, who I did my best to love and help, when I could, and when he wanted more than anything to be helped)  I hope I made some difference for good.

I once wrote:  
 
Our Inner Voice
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“Our inner voice – (noetic dimension / spiritual dimension) – is what should guide us.  Church and other religious teachings can inspire us to be good or do better, but what’s inside of us, our own conscience and unique spirit, working in alignment with one another, is the true voice we should be listening to, because that’s “The TRUE Voice of Heaven within” and not one distorted by the opinions and judgments of the world”
 
~ Panayiota
(30 December 2013)
 
THE NOTES IN A BEAUTIFUL SONG
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Sometimes God allows us to leave the right path for a time
So, we’ll find out way Back on our own
And we often find out that the new path we’re on
Leaves us battered and naked, alone
 
Our true path can only be found high above
Leading to the top of our Mountain of Hope
There’s often a great struggle to find it there
Sometimes hidden on a steep mountain slope
 
So, although it appears, we may have lost our true way
God knows that it still lies ahead
For the journey’s not over and can never be
‘Till we’ve taken our very last breath
 
So, don’t judge the path another might take
We can’t see their beginning or end
Only God knows the path we each need
And He’s plotted every forest and bend
 
We cannot force others to travel our way
Or expect them to know what we mean
If they haven’t been sent on the paths of our lives
Or seen all the things that we’ve seen
 
God counts every hair on the head of each child
Appointing each child an “unique task”
He helps us along and supplies every need
Though we often forget to ask
 
If we just opened our eyes to His presence each day
No matter the path others are on
We’ll learn to accept that each soul on this earth,
Is exactly where each belong...
 
♪  ...LIKE THE NOTES IN A BEAUTIFUL SONG... ♪
 
When the notes come together in harmony and grace
A beautiful tune is played
By accepting with faith, the path of each child
God’s Love is exquisitely portrayed
 
~ Panayiota
(9th June 2013)
 
We need each other
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“Each of us is so unique and should be loved and accepted in our uniqueness. We all have something to give to the world... we all have something we need to receive from the world... WE NEED EACH OTHER”
 
~ Panayiota
(29 December 2013)
 
Thank you for sharing with me.  Please write and let me know if you identify with anything I share, or if my sharing is helpful in any way. 
 
~ Panayiota
 
p.s. If anyone is interested in a follow up to what happened to the whole “Christmas in July” debacle that I wrote about in my last blog post, you can take a look at this:
​
https://christmasinjulyfail.home.blog/?fbclid=IwAR0mXrsn4tTgM4_uuyi_HiigCDorkabhC1lDaDeISFCUhNkXhB8SjxrGYHk