~ Posted 31 July 2016 ~
 
A friend posted this picture quote on Facebook today and it reminded me of some poems I wrote once when I was a single mother still living "in brokenness" a while after my divorce from my 2nd abusive husband (an emotional and financial abuser… [the 1st a physical and sexual abuser]). 

I was struggling mightily to cope and keep my head above the waves each day… my depression was so deep that I did not want to live, and my children were the only reason I knew that I had to keep on fighting to surface… for them.  Without them, I fear I would not have survived that time!  Their very existence gave me the will and the strength and life-giving breath I needed to keep on keeping on.

Below:  Three of the poems I wrote during that awful time of struggling with overwhelmingly deep emotions during the year, 2004.  
 
My beloved Greek stepmother had passed away on the 25th of February that year and that also added greatly to my sense of disconnection and “not belonging” in this world… she was my mentor… the person I always looked up to since as far back as I could remember, and most wanted to grow up to be like and I tried to be like her in every way I could during my growing up years.  I believe I grew up to be a “good and loving woman” as a result of her great example in my life.  I saw her as my “true mother” and wondered how I’d ever live without knowing she was alive in this world.  I loved her with all my heart and still do to this day.
 
At the time I wrote these poems, I felt as though I was living with no understanding or support or love to help me through when I need it most.  I was often left hurting by the insensitive and insulting judgements of others… FEELING VERY MUCH ALONE AGAIN!
 
SLIPPING AWAY!
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Slipping away… ESCAPE!  ESCAPE!
No reason to go on anymore!
The endless, lonely NOTHING!
Approaches fast… Engulfing!  Mocking!  Devouring!  Taking!
Hope lost in the darkness, as light seems to fade,
From the dungeon within where her inner child’s laid!
The tears on her cheeks that have bled all these years,
Have dried into crusts, as old scars again rip into tears!
No strength left to cry!  No courage to fight!
Slipping away slowly, into the night!
The few reaching hands that have held her there firm,
Might soon loose their grip as her dreams start to burn!
The dim light that shone bringing hope to her sight,
Is fading away, as hope sinks into the night!
Where will she find the courage now,
To rise from this deep darkness where light struggles to reach?
 
“Shhhh!  Shhhh!”  A small voice can be heard…
 
“Father… Please help me to be strong!”
 
~ THERE IS STILL HOPE! ~
 
Her inner strength will rise yet again,
To face the turmoil!
To face the pain!
 
(2 May 2004)
 
 
I WILL NOT DROWN!
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SUFFOCATING!  No air to breathe!
Drowning just beneath the waves!
I can see LOVES rays penetrating the surface
Where I cannot reach,
No matter how hard I try!
For every time I struggle closer,
The waves beat more and more!
And sometimes I almost give up,
Thinking, what is this struggling for!
Beneath me the sea is dark and deep,
Above love tries to shine through,
And the more the waves try to push me down,
The more I remember you.
 
My children sailing up above,
On seas that are rough and wild,
And I know that’s where this mother should be,
Calming the waves for her child.
So the darkness that tugs me to the dreadful deep,
Must never win its fight!
For I’ll struggle on, and never give up,
If I’m to reach that saving light!
For in that moment where I touch the surface again,
I know that the waves will cease,
And I can board that lovely ship once more,
With my children, where there is peace.
So I will not give up when the storms beat strong,
And I’m tossed again into the sea,
For my children still need me And I must return,
To where this mother should be!
 
“Be strong!” I call… “Be patient for me,
For my seas are quite stormy, it’s true!
But I will not drown while you need me still,
Because I’ll never stop loving you!”
 
(28 October 2004)
 
 
RISE UP, DEAR MOTHER!
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I’m battling to stay awake!
Battling to stay alive!
Sleep tries to steal what’s left of me,
As I struggle, just to survive!
 
I must be strong – I must be strong!
My children need me still!
Something’s trying to draw life away,
As if I’m drugged by a strong sleeping pill!
 
I’m weak and so tired, with a heavy head,
And a heavy heart as well!
Everywhere in pain!  Joints aching sore!
As if poisoned by an evil spell!
 
Sadness has caused this dreadful state!
Emotions soar out of control!
I must be strong – I must be strong!
Before it takes its toll!
 
***
Rise up, dear mother
And do your best,
As you have always done!
Tomorrow is another day,
Gird the strength to carry on!
 
(I wrote with this poem on 29 October 2004 – Written during one of my worst states of depression… showing just how difficult some days become for me just lately when I’m not coping well with a situation that brings sadness and fear… especially fear for my children!  I seem to have no control over these emotions, which have a ton of control over me, causing me to become very anxious and often sad about life in general!  It’s times like these that a Good Friend is Truly Needed… who will not Judge… and will come into my situation with Complete Acceptance, Understanding and True Love.  The smallest thing can push me right under… yet just a little Genuine Love at the time, can save me from this dreadful state that seems to want to completely destroy what is left of me!  It’s times like these that I wish that people actually recognized my strengths instead of my weaknesses… because it takes A LOT of inner strength and a deep desire and true love to live for my children, to get through these horrible, lonely, debilitating, extremely tiring and difficult days!)
 
I wrote many other poems over my years of struggle and transcendence (over 1000)… and I hope that one day I will be able to have many of them published in a book.  I would need a sponsor to be able to do that so if anyone could help I’d be very grateful.
 
Over the years I have had to learn to believe in myself more and rely on my own strengths, and the unconditional love of my Heavenly Father above.  I have also come to believe that there is purpose in all things (my life has a purpose) and that I just need to keep trusting in “Life” … that all things eventually work together for good. 
 
I am grateful that I survived those difficult years to find myself in this "better place" where I am today.
 
To my readers, thank you for sharing with me today…
 
~ Pana

~ Posted 10 July 2016 ~

The Logotherapy student's workshops are finally over with... I'm exhausted... it was beyond wonderful once again... overwhelmed with emotions... too much love... too much feeling totally accepted... huge contrast between my home/church/family reality and my Logo-reality... such a divide that it actually hurts to experience it and then have to go back to the real world again and feel “The Divide”…

Most of my real world life consists of sitting (safely in my bubble) in my bedroom/office connecting with a world “out there” through my computer… (especially my Logotherapy world) A world that lives beyond the brick wall that stares back at me from behind my computer. 

I have decorated the wall with reminders of “why I am doing all of this” … the purpose of my life… the meaning of my life… my family and loved ones here in the world, and my beloved stepmother and my brother who long ago passed on to the other side of the veil.  I look at their photos sometimes and speak to them when I’m feeling lonely… I believe that they are with me.    Their pictures remind me that I’m never really alone and they encourage me to keep going.  I feel them cheering me on to greater heights from the other side … I feel their prayers and interventions on my behalf… they send me signs of their presence daily since I moved into this house at the start of 2013 I think it was…

I am really not alone because I have “them”… yet sometimes my sense of loneliness and isolation is so acute that if it weren’t for the powerful and life-giving meaning potentials in my life, I don’t really feel that there is much other reason for lingering in this world where there is so much ugliness, neglect, abuses, judgements one against the other and pain that just never seems to end. 

My Logotherapy world is one of the meaning potentials of my life as is the other small pockets of joy that still comes to me through the unconditional love and hugs of my grandchildren and a rare few others “out there”.

Attending the Logotherapy workshops for the Introductory and Intermediate students recently was like a whirlwind of exhausting, wonderful, crazy, stressful, joyful, magical loveliness for me on every level that completely contrasts with my general day to day life, so returning back to my real world from that does create some depressive struggle in me. 

I have always struggled with agoraphobia and it’s hard for me to leave my house to do anything much.  I seriously need to go for walks, but my (? Irrational) fears of “the dangers out there” are so intense that I get anxious even writing this.  If I just think about walking out of that gate sometimes, anxiety overtakes me and I feel sick and just want to curl up in my bed, so I bury myself in my work and that’s what keeps me going day to day.  I just can’t go there in my mind, even though logic tells me that my neighbourhood streets are safe enough to walk short distances on during the day, and even though my medical knowledge insists that walking a bit every day would be healthy for me and is necessary, and would even help me to lose more weight, the fear of the outside world and my desperate need to stay connected to “someone out there (inside my computer) who I believe cares”… will still keep me stuck behind  my computer for hours and hours on end each day, usually from the time I wake up in the mornings till the time I go to sleep at night…

(like a bottomless  pit… a desperate and constant need for reassurance that my life has meaning to someone, somewhere out there... that I am not completely invisible... someone somewhere can hear me… someone somewhere can see me and knows I exist… someone somewhere values me and all the genuine work of love I put into each day in the service of others… My life is therefore worth living) 

So… when it comes to the Logotherapy student’s workshop times at a place that is so far from my home, I somehow, through the reassurance of having a meaningful purpose in life to those students, I find the motivation and strength I need to leave my home and drive all that way, to spend the workshop days with them all. 

It amazes me how powerful “the will to meaning” can be in one’s life.  The stress of traveling (causing backache and back spasms for days), the sleepless nights due to too much excitement over the time of the workshops, the stress of socializing each day which is always a struggle for me, the mess my house gets into during that week when everything is rush, rush, rush!  (I wake at 04h45 to leave home by 06h00 so as to avoid the traffic, and return home at around 17h30.  Then it’s cooking, cleaning what I can, washing clothes and getting them out, and bringing in yesterday’s clothes, feeding the dogs, etc.  So much to think of and do each morning before I leave and each night when I arrive home.)  The mind is buzzing so much that it is hard to switch it off… I get very little sleep as a result and my emotions run rampant with it all, and keeping them under control so that I can function at the workshop and enjoy each day with the students is extremely exhausting for me… but… I would not miss spending that time with the students and our course director, Teria, for anything.  My LogoWorld is something that is so meaningful to me, and I am so accepted there, that I cannot allow my fears to have any say in the matter… I just get up and do what needs to be done… get into my car and go… and it is a beautiful thing to be there, among “like-minded” people who I can be authentic with.  Sometimes I cry, but I never feel foolish when I do… I feel totally and unconditionally accepted in my LogoWorld among the wonderful LogoPeople I meet with there and I LOVE being a part of it all… (even should I say, an important part of it all, because I do feel important, needed and valued there)… I am a somebody in my LogoWorld and as a result I am able to excel and transcend my usual limits while I’m there.

Consistency is key to an adult survivor of child abuse.  You cannot tell me you love me today, and expect me to still believe it tomorrow when something goes wrong (even a little wrong).  It doesn’t work that way.  The inner-child and all her complex emotions does not just “go away” with a few words… it takes consistent reassurance to keep her convinced that she is loved and accepted…

Having said that, it really takes very little to make a whole lot of difference in helping me to feel accepted and reassured in my world… For instance:

1.   I started Banting recently and I’m doing so well… lost 6kg’s since the end of March this year, went off of all my chronic meds literally overnight on the Banting lifestyle, practically no more aches and pains… the agonizing gout seems to be a thing of the past and I am living as if I don’t have diabetes at all… no more water retention, heart palpitations, high blood pressure, abscesses, headaches, etc. and I’m feeling bones under my skin that I never even knew I had!  In the last week I reached 89,7kg’s… I have not been in the 80kg range since I was in my 20’s!!!  Is this not amazing!  Yet, if I try to tell most of my closer family and friends about this wonderful news and success I’m having with my Banting diet changes, their response is as if I am telling them something quite revolting. 

When I told my LogoBoss/friend about these changes, she was so excited for me and said she was so proud of me.  She immediately went out and brought the book and is not only planning to help herself and her family with some diet changes of their own, but has taken my photos as an example to help others in her own country.  She validated my achievements and in so doing, she has helped me to feel more positive about my “self” and encouraged me to keep going.  My children and one or two other family members and close friends seem to be proud of me too at times, which helps me to stay strong and stick to my positive diet and emotional changes. 

2.   In my Logotherapy world I feel totally accepted, loved, understood, free to be my authentic self, heard, appreciated, etc., and the growth I have gained, both emotionally, physically and spiritually since I started my studies of Logotherapy in 2009, has been phenomenal to say the least!  Yet, I was treated by those who I tried to speak to about my incredibly healing Logotherapy journey, as though I had entered some way-out, weird and evil religious cult!  They didn’t want to hear about it.  For the longest time, they seemed to be blind to my excitement; and obvious healing (reinforcing in me, the script messages from my childhood… I am invisible… I am no good… I am not worthy, etc.).  So even my Logotherapy journey became one of abject isolation for me. 

Thankfully, I do believe now that nobody can deny now how far I have come on my road of healing transcendence on my Logotherapy journey so far. 

In my heart, I long for my family members and even my church members and others to do the Logotherapy courses, because it’s helped me so much and I believe with all my heart that Logotherapy is needed for every “people”, in every place in this world.  It is truly wonderful and so healing and growth promoting.

3.   I have not had an oven since 2012.  My security gate on my front door hung broken off of it’s top hinge for so long that it has bent the door frame which now needs replacing, but my sister and brother in law who live nearby came recently to at least put it upright again for me.  My car has been for roadworthy four times now and each time, the roadworthy expired, because I couldn’t find anyone to help me get it right.  My son and son in law kindly helped with a few things, but there was always more to be done and each time we have been to roadworthy, they have found new things wrong with it!!!  It’s so frustrating and I just feel sick thinking about it now.  I even offered R500 just for labour, to anyone who would come and assist us to get the roadworthy done, but still no one!  I have had the car for about a year now and it is still not passed roadworthy and is still not in my name as a result… this causes me great stress and pain on a deep emotional level, (again, reinforcing the negative script messages from my childhood)

People keep saying they are coming to help and that’s as far as it goes… I’d rather they never said they were coming… My radiator burst on the way home from the student workshop a week ago and thankfully my daughter and son in law came as soon as they could to put some kind of patch on it.  It is just a temporary fix, because it’s still leaking a little, but there are no words for the gratitude I feel for them going out of their way to help me. 

The good news is though, that today it has been confirmed that I am going to receive a salary increase which I believe will make all the difference to what I can and can’t do to help myself in future.  It is better not to rely on the world too much for TLC and help, but it is so hard to let go of the longing for things to be different, especially I think, as an adult survivor of child abuse… the inner child (Patty), will always-always be longing for what never was. 

Anyway, these are just a few examples of how easily I am left feeling alienated and as though I don’t belong and how easy it would be for others to help me to feel accepted and reassured as to my state of belonging in this world.  When my boss went out to buy that book, “The Real Meal Revolution” by Tim Noakes, I felt so very authenticated and upheld on my journey to weight loss and better health.  When my daughter called out of the blue to say she wanted to help me to see a specialist, I felt as though someone really, really cared, just as I do on those occasions when my son’s and son in law come to help with the car or my computer struggles...

I really do have so much to be grateful for and I try to list those positives every day… I look at the pictures of my family on the wall in front of me and remind myself of why I need to keep working hard at transcending my own emotional struggles… to see beyond my deep needs and longings into a greater understanding of the struggles that others have… to love unconditionally, just as I wish to be loved unconditionally also…

If it is what I need and want, it must equally be something I am prepared to give freely… this is my hearts work and even the source of my hearts greatest aches, because… I SIMPLY LOVE TOO MUCH!

The Impossible Dream by Peter O’Tool
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6TKdQNFTiU