I decided to so some research today on the possibility that I might be struggling with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) in connection with my dissociative disorder and have been (tired) for as long as I can remember.  I was so relieved to find that there is indeed a connection and identified with much of what I have read about it on the Internet today.  I would still need to do a lot more research to help myself with this struggle, but to at least understand what might be going on that causes me such debilitating exhaustion, so often, is such a relief… to just have some possibility of answers at last. 
 
I am sharing two links that I found this morning.  When I have time again, I will research more, but am about to enter one of the busiest times of the year with the students’ portfolios about to come in for marking (one last night) and the student workshops next month, so I might not be able to do much research in the meantime. 
 
If anyone has information on this subject that could help me in my quest for further self-understanding, knowledge and healing, please do share with me to save me research time and point me in the right direction more quickly.  Thank you.

• Article on:  IVORY GARDEN DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER SUPPORT GROUP AND CHAT (copied below)

https://www.igdid.com/h78-childhood-trauma-and-chronic-fatigue-syndrome-risk-biologically-linked
 
Childhood Trauma And Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Risk Biologically Linked
ScienceDaily (Jan. 5, 2009) - Childhood trauma is a potent risk factor for development of chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), according to a study by researchers at Emory University School of Medicine and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).
 
Results of the study confirm that childhood trauma, particularly emotional maltreatment and sexual abuse, is associated with a six-fold increased risk for CFS. The risk further increases with the presence of posttraumatic stress disorder symptoms.
 
The study also found that low levels of cortisol, a hallmark biological feature of CFS, are associated with childhood trauma. Cortisol is frequently referred to as the "stress hormone" and is important to regulate the body's response to stress. A lack of cortisol's effects may cause altered or prolonged stress responses.
 
"The study indicates that low cortisol levels may actually reflect a marker for the risk of developing CFS rather than being a sign of the syndrome itself," said Christine M. Heim, PhD, lead author of the study and associate professor in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, Emory University School of Medicine.
 
The population-based study analyzed data from 113 people with CFS, and a control group of 124 people without CFS, drawn from a sample of almost 20,000 Georgians. The results confirm earlier findings from a 2006 study conducted in Wichita, Kan.
 
Study participants completed a self-reported questionnaire on five different types of childhood trauma including emotional, physical and sexual abuse, and emotional and physical neglect. Researchers also collected saliva samples from participants to record levels of cortisol over one hour after awakening, typically an individual's highest cortisol levels for the day.
 
"When looking at CFS cases with and without histories of childhood trauma, only those with childhood trauma had the classic low cortisol levels often seen in CFS cases," explains Heim.
 
"It is important to emphasize that not all patients with CFS have been through childhood trauma," she says. "CFS may be part of a spectrum of disorders associated with childhood adversity, which includes depression and anxiety disorders."
 
Certain experiences children have while the brain is developing and vulnerable can make a difference in the way the body reacts to stress later in life, and may have long-term health consequences.
 
"Trauma that occurs at different times in childhood may be linked to different long term changes. It's an area in which more work is needed," says Heim.
 
This study was supported by a grant from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

• 10 Symptoms of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

http://health.facty.com/conditions/chronic-fatigue/10-symptoms-of-chronic-fatigue-syndrome/

1. Cognitive problems
2. Erratic sleep
3. Muscle and joint pain
4. Vertigo
5. PEM
6. Sensitivity to external stimuli
7. Weakened immune system
8. Gastro intestinal problems
9. Paresthesia
10. Difficulty staying upright

 

• THE LINK BETWEEN CHILDHOOD TRAUMA AND CHRONIC FATIGUE SYNDROME

https://childhoodtraumarecovery.com/2013/10/24/the-link-between-childhood-trauma-and-chronic-fatigue-symptom/

• Somewhere I also read that chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) may be a result of unresolved rage.  I have struggled with a more intensely prolonged episode of what I now believe are the symptoms of CFS since a recent upset that involves the threat of loss again and a sense of abject helplessness/hopelessness to stop what is causing me so much emotional discomfort.  I know that my inner adolescent Patricia, is affected and it is her that I experience as holding a lot of unresolved rage.

 
I experience chronic fatigue syndrome as extremely debilitating and time wasting… I must find a way to FIX this so that I can be more productive and live a better life!    
 
Today my work stepped up… more contact with the students, etc. resulting in a lot more motivation.  I got so much done and I feel great as a result.  It’s after 7pm now and yes, now I am very tired, but at least I have been able to function better today… thankfully.
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~  Panayiota

It always amazes me, how when I’m struggling with something in particular, something will pop up on the internet that could guide me towards some answers for explaining my experience.
 
At this time, when my work has gotten very quiet (a quiet time of the year which runs over a few weeks)… hardly any e-mails and phone calls… my connection with the outside world is reduced drastically, I now find myself really struggling to stay connected to anything again.  The quietness of the days drag on and I imagine that it is possible that I sink into a constant state of dissociation that I struggle to emerge from in order to get anything done.  Even as I am typing this, I feel myself falling down the rabbit hole… I’d give anything to just go sleep the whole day away… take something to make sure I do.  Any interruption or noise seems to send out an explosion of nerves rippling through my body… like I’m hypersensitive to any stimulus… I feel so switched off that part of me wants to sink deeper into it, because the struggle to stay on top of it is hard work.
 
After writing the three catch up blog posts on Thursday, I hit a real heavy low again on Friday… I had not slept well on Thursday night, which really aggravates the whole situation… so by early on Friday morning, I was already so tired I could not hold my head up anymore… the deepest, most draining kind of tiredness I can possibly explain to anyone unless you’ve experienced it yourself.
 
I wrote in a WhatsApp conversation to a friend who identifies and understands how this feels: (adapted)
 
“I am deeply depressed today after writing yesterday’s blog posts… touching on too much emotion at once I guess.  So tired I can hardly hold myself up.  I tried napping just now, because there was just nothing left, but it was not a good nap… too much adrenaline or something… I felt the same kind feeling one feels when they are fainting… Unless you’ve fainted, you won’t understand what that feels like.  I have been feeling so heavy… like gravity is pulling me down.  Don’t worry… once work steps up again I won’t get like this as often… Work is my saving grace.  There’s loads of work to do now, but it’s not with CONNECTION and that causes procrastination, depression and a huge problem with staying connected to anything.  The quiet days are far too long… I think I’m a hopeless case sometimes.”
 
So that’s where the conundrum of my “NO TIME” problem stems from.  When I do have time to catch up on things when work is really quiet… I find it harder to do anything at all.  It seems that I function best under pressure… when there’s no pressure, I stop functioning normally and end up in that “LOST AND WONDERING” place again, struggling to find my way back to reality!  It’s a totally ridiculous situation!  There is so much PRECIOUS TIME wasted on this nonsense!!!  People seem to get annoyed with me when I say I have problems finding time… Does anyone understand now that I’ve tried to explain what I believe might be happening in me… AARGH!
 
Friday I was more deeply in that lost and wondering place again than usual but chatting with my understanding friend helped to lift me from it a bit and having something really wonderful to look forward to on Saturday also helped a lot as I prepared for that. 
 
My youngest son wanted to spend time with is siblings which I felt was unusual for him, so when he asked if we could all go somewhere together, I agreed.  He invited his siblings to join us at the local botanical gardens for a picnic.  I wasn’t sure what would happen, but we were going to go anyway, regardless.
 
I was so happy when my oldest son agreed to join us with the three children… we’ve been too apart for too long when he lived further away, but now that he’s separated and moved closer, I have seen him more often and each visit has been so relaxed, real and wonderful for me personally.  He had the children this weekend, so it was a perfect time to see them all.  My daughter also agreed to come along and last minute, my middle son and family also agreed.  It was the first time we had all been together… JUST US… in a long, long time.  My middle son took a long time to arrive, as he had other stuff to do, but once he arrived, my family was complete… even if just for a short time together.    We had family photos taken… so beautiful…
 
The day was almost perfect, but something important to my mommy heart was missing… I didn’t realise it at the time because I was having so much fun with my children and grandchildren, but a disturbing nightmare on Saturday night highlighted it for me and left me waking up once more, lost and wondering.  I can’t talk about it… but it’s something that leaves my sense of peace and happiness still feeling incomplete in this world…
 
The only reason I’m sharing this, is because this link popped up this morning and made me think that perhaps… a lot of the time, what people see as chronic fatigue, could just be a prolonged state of dissociation… an emotional state of being sucked away from reality… disconnection… a kind of self-protective emotional mechanism to avoid dealing with the reality of a seemingly hopeless situation.
 
I loved spending time with my children and grandchildren… especially having my big boy with us at this time… it feels like I have my son back again and I can’t tell you how much that means to me.  I feel a real connection to his spirit and trust that connection implicitly… I am so grateful for any moment spent with him.  It was truly a most beautiful day.
 
But… something very important to my mommy heart was missing… so it couldn’t be a perfect day, but it was so close to perfect that I will cherish the memories forever of all of us together.  It was a beautiful, warm winters day… what a blessing.
 
https://themighty.com/2018/02/signs-chronic-fatigue-not-just-tired/?utm_source=newsletter_chronic_illness&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=newsletter_chronic_illness_2018-05-25
 
Thank you for sharing with me today
 
~ Panayiota.

Wednesday, 16th May ~ On this evening, my dear friend Miryam, was married in Israel… I was so happy for her.  To see an aged couple finding love and getting married filled me with a wonderful HOPE that I can’t begin to explain.  When I spoke to Miryam about it she wrote back with some beautiful wisdom for me.
 
“Suspend all doubts. "Make believe" until it happens and then just relax about it all. When resistance is gone (no matter how small), when it is all given up, the "universe" brings it to you. I pray for you!  And all women who are struggling. Sending love!!!!!”  
 
I have printed those words out and once laminated, I will hang it to my wall as a constant reminder… there is always hope… it is NEVER too late.  My Cinderella dreams could still come true someday… I just have to allow myself to believe. 
 
Saturday, 19th May ~ The Royal wedding:  As I waited for the royal wedding live broadcast to begin, I remembered lovingly, my dear old British “grandpa Baker”, at the end of the day, when the TV shut down there in Bulawayo, Rhodesia [Now Zimbabwe] (I'm sure that was at around 9pm, being the early days of TV there)… the song, God Bless Our Gracious Queen would play to end the days broadcasts... Grandpa Jack would always rise to his feet at attention, saluting in honour of his queen, until the song was over and singing with it in his strong British accent. Us children got into the habit of copying him. I wonder if my sister remembers that... I must ask her. So, it was one of those traditional things that I believe helped us see our world in a different way. That there were ideals and people outside of our abusive childhood, who we could still respect and stand up for... I'm sure Grandpa's deep love and respect for his beloved Royals made a huge difference in our outlook and lives.  God bless grandpa Baker in Heaven.
 
I loved watching the royal wedding and being caught up on all the romance, fashion and joy along with the crowds on the streets. 
 
As usual, my age old intrusive thoughts caused a sense of fear and dread in me… “Look how happy everyone is… what if a bomb goes off now?” In the past, I would have battled throughout the broadcast with such negative thoughts intruding into what was supposed to be joyful and happy experience for me, but as my healing has progressed, I found that this time, I was able to stop the thoughts quickly and continue to enjoy the broadcast without such threats swirling around in my mind and intruding on my JOY in the moment.
 
I loved the words of Bishop Michael Curry’s sermon.  When I posted it on Facebook, I was immediately met with the negativity of others around the way he delivered his sermon. 
 
I responded to three messages:
“I couldn't say how they were feeling about it... a lot of people love this kind of preaching... we all come from different ways and life experiences... but still... the message was about loving and accepting each other in our uniqueness, warts and all in this world and I guess... that requires another level from us... to see beyond what is not a part of our upbringing, tradition, tribe and culture... that's basically what my latest presentation is all about.
 
“This is just a different preaching style that we are not used to at all. I have seen it before and I don't feel comfortable with it either. So, it's not about other religions and what they do... for me... it's just the message on LOVE that I want to highlight... that's all I want to be able to focus on here, because it was an important message to the world in its’ own right.”
 
“Maybe some of my friends here enjoy this kind of preaching and I would therefore not want the fact that I posted this to insult them by the comments that follow... as you know, I don't often talk religion or politics on my page... both have caused me immense pain and struggle throughout my life. I only posted this, to share the message of love... love and acceptance for all. It's something I really want to work more on as part of my own personal growth needs and goals.”
 
I believe that my friends then understood where I was coming from and why I’d chosen to post this sermon below on my Facebook page.
 
Bishop Michael Curry’s sermon ~ May 19, 2018
 
“And now in the name of our loving, liberating and life-giving God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Amen.
From the Song of Solomon, in the Bible:
 
"Set me as a seal upon your heart,
 
as a seal upon your arm;
 
for love is strong as death,
 
passion fierce as the grave.
 
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
a raging flame.
 
Many waters cannot quench love,
neither can floods drown it."
 
The late Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr once said, and I quote: "We must discover the power of love, the redemptive power of love. And when we discover that, we will be able to make of this old world a new world, for love is the only way."
 
There's power in love. Don't underestimate it. Don't even over-sentimentalize it. There's power - power in love. If you don't believe me, think about a time when you first fell in love. The whole world seemed to center around you and your beloved.
 
Oh there's power - power in love. Not just in its romantic forms, but any form, any shape of love. There's a certain sense in which when you are loved, and you know it, when someone cares for you, and you know it, when you love and you show it - it actually feels right. There's something right about it.
 
And there's a reason for it. The reason has to do with the source. We were made by a power of love, and our lives were meant - and are meant - to be lived in that love. That's why we are here.
 
Ultimately, the source of love is God himself: the source of all of our lives.
 
There's an old medieval poem that says: "Where true love is found, God himself is there".
 
The New Testament says it this way: "Beloved, let us love one another, because love is of God, and those who love are born of God and know God. Those who do not love do not know God. Why? For God is love."
 
There's power in love. There's power in love to help and heal when nothing else can.
 
There's power in love to lift up and liberate when nothing else will. There's power in love to show us the way to live.
 
"Set me as a seal on your heart, a seal on your arm, for love is as strong as death."
 
But love is not only about a young couple. Now the power of love is demonstrated by the fact that we're all here. Two young people fell in love, and we all showed up. But it's not just for and about a young couple, who we rejoice with. It's more than that.
 
Jesus of Nazareth on one occasion was asked by a lawyer to sum up the essence of the teachings of Moses, and he went back and he reached back into the Hebrew scriptures, to Deuteronomy and Leviticus, and Jesus said: "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind and all your strength. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself."
 
And then in Matthew's version, he added, he said: "On these two, love of God and love of neighbor, hang all the law, all the prophets, everything that Moses wrote, everything in the holy prophets, everything in the scriptures, everything that God has been trying to tell the world - love God, love your neighbors, and while you're at it, love yourself."
 
Now, someone once said that Jesus began the most revolutionary movement in all of human history. A movement grounded in the unconditional love of God for the world and a movement mandating people to live that love. And in so doing to change not only their lives but the very life of the world itself.
 
I'm talking about some power. Real power. Power to change the world. If you don't believe me, well, there were some old slaves in America's Antebellum South who explained the dynamic power of love and why it has the power to transform. They explained it this way. They sang a spiritual, even in the midst of their captivity. It's one that says "There's a balm in Gilead..." a healing balm, something that can make things right.
 
"There is a balm in Gilead to make the wounded whole.
 
"There is a balm in Gilead
 
"To heal the sin sick soul."
 
And one of the stanzas actually explains why. They said:
 
"If you cannot preach like Peter,
 
And you cannot pray like Paul,
 
You just tell the love of Jesus,
 
How he died to save us all."
 
Oh, that's the balm in Gilead! This way of love, it is the way of life. They got it. He died to save us all. He didn't die for anything he could get out of it. Jesus did not get an honorary doctorate for dying. He wasn't getting anything out of it. He gave up his life, he sacrificed his life, for the good of others, for the good of the other, for the wellbeing of the world, for us.
 
That's what love is. Love is not selfish and self-centered. Love can be sacrificial, and in so doing, becomes redemptive. And that way of unselfish, sacrificial, redemptive love changes lives, and it can change this world.
 
If you don't believe me, just stop and imagine. Think and imagine a world where love is the way.
 
Imagine our homes and families where love is the way.
 
Imagine our neighborhoods and communities where love is the way.
 
Imagine our governments and nations where love is the way.
 
Imagine business and commerce where this love is the way.
 
Imagine this tired old world where love is the way.
 
When love is the way - unselfish, sacrificial, redemptive.
 
When love is the way, then no child will go to bed hungry in this world ever again.
 
When love is the way, we will let justice roll down like a mighty stream and righteousness like an ever-flowing brook.
 
When love is the way, poverty will become history.
 
When love is the way, the earth will be a sanctuary.
 
When love is the way, we will lay down our swords and shields, down by the riverside, to study war no more.
 
When love is the way, there's plenty good room - plenty good room - for all of God's children. Because when love is the way, we actually treat each other, well... like we are actually family.
 
When love is the way, we know that God is the source of us all, and we are brothers and sisters, children of God.
 
My brothers and sisters, that's a new heaven, a new earth, a new world, a new human family.
 
And let me tell you something, old Solomon was right in the Old Testament: that's fire.
 
Pierre Teilhard de Chardin - and with this I will sit down, we gotta get y'all married - French Jesuit Pierre Teilhard de Chardin was arguably one of the great minds, great spirits of the 20th century. Jesuit, Roman Catholic priest, scientist, a scholar, a mystic.
 
In some of his writings, he said, from his scientific background as well as his theological one, in some of his writings he said - as others have - that the discovery, or invention, or harnessing of fire was one of the great scientific and technological discoveries in all of human history.
 
Fire to a great extent made human civilization possible. Fire made it possible to cook food and to provide sanitary ways of eating, which reduced the spread of disease in its time.
 
Fire made it possible to heat warm environments and thereby made human migration around the world a possibility, even into colder climates.
 
Fire made it possible... there was no Bronze Age without fire, no Iron Age without fire, no Industrial Revolution without fire. The advances of fire and technology are greatly dependent on the human ability and capacity to take fire and use it for human good.
 
Anybody get here in a car today? An automobile? Nod your heads if you did - I know there were some carriages. But those of us who came in cars, fire - controlled, harnessed fire - made that possible.
 
I know that the Bible says, and I believe it, that Jesus walked on the water. But I have to tell you, I did not walk across the Atlantic Ocean to get here.
 
Controlled fire in that plane got me here. Fire makes it possible for us to text and tweet and email and Instagram and Facebook and socially be dysfunctional with each other.
 
Fire made all of that possible, and de Chardin said fire was one of the greatest discoveries in all of human history. And he then went on to say that if humanity ever harnesses the energy of fire again, if humanity ever captures the energy of love - it will be the second time in the history of the world that we have discovered fire.
 
Dr. King was right: we must discover love - the redemptive power of love. And when we do that, we will make of this old world, a new world.
 
My brother, my sister, God love you, God bless you, and may God hold us all in those almighty hands of love.
 
 
Sunday, 20th May ~ Presented “The Tribe and the Wounded Healer” for the third time.  I had such a wonderful Logotherapy supervision meeting with my Logotherapy colleagues’ and family once again. 
 
Amazingly, 6 of the 8 people there had not seen it yet and the group was such a lovely, fun, loving special one. The discussion during the presentation was so intense, that I had to shorten the rest of the presentation by rushing through it and missing out on reading my hand notes due to time restraints. There was enough on the slides to create interesting debate without the notes.
 
I'm one who never encourages discussion, because it scares me to have to find answers... my mind instantly goes blank if people have expectations of me and then I can't answer the simplest of questions... so embarrassing!  But yesterday the group showed me how wonderful discussion could be and I survived and learned an important lesson from them all.  I was actually surprised by all that they had to share... amazing stuff!  So now I will need to work on the presentation once again, this time to shorten it to allow time for discussion.  I love the positive feedback that I received each time I presented. 
 
Lesley who hosted our meeting was amazing... she set out such a wonderful variety of snacks for us to nibble on throughout the day and had a humongous fresh salad especially for me and plain yogurt and an avocado pear.  So delicious!  It was a freezing cold day, so she had us sitting in a room where a wood fire burning which so warm and cozy.
 
What a great day spent with my like-minded LogoFamily… my safe and happy place where I felt totally accepted and loved by all who were there on the day.
 
I recently received a deposit of R300 for another successful Logotherapy dream interpretation and copy of my old Logo-Treasures book of Logo-Quotes.  So wonderful to feel I'm able to help others in some way or another... it makes me very happy.
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~ Panayiota

Friday, 6th April ~ My three dear faraway grandchildren arrived for a weekend sleepover.  I am not used to having anyone sleep over and have not had the privilege of a lot of time with these three, so I must say, it was very scary.  Once their mom had left, I realized that the middle one had a temperature of 39, so that really added to my anxiety of… Would I be able to care for them all properly… will I be able to do it all right for them… I love them so much… I wanted things to be perfect so that they would KNOW how much I love them.  I had such a great weekend with my three grandchildren.  I cried when they left… I tried not to, but it was out of my control. 
 
My son and daughter in law have separated... I had been told enough to disturb my mommy mind greatly... never quite knowing what is true and what isn’t… but there separation seems to be very amicable... there was no malice in my daughter in law's mention of my son's name when she visited and no malice in my son’s through my recent WhatsApp chats with him, so that has given me some sense of relief from my emotional turmoil. My daughter in law wondered if I would still love her... how could I not continue to love the mother of my grandchildren and the daughter I’d gotten to know over the years and how could I not continue to love my own son... I reassured her that I could not stop loving and supporting her... nor my son. I love them for different reasons... in different ways... but I still love them both very much.
 
Yes, I do fear what will be spread by the GOSSIPERS that might have also heard stories... they will only bring more pain and shame into the situation that has little to do with them!... but I have to keep trusting in Life's Plan for each and every one of us who are RIGHTFULLY involved in this situation right now and try not to think about the others and what they might be saying and spreading.
 
Life has a way of sorting everything and everyone out, regardless of the intrusion of the NEGATIVES! The ones who don't operate with pure hearts and LOVE, but rather feed on gossip taking sides for the sake of feeding and satisfying their own emotional needs. If there was more TRUE LOVE... there would be more HEALING where healing is most needed.
 
YES, I am talking from a greatly hurting heart as a result of my own personal EXPERIENCES!
 
My son and daughter in law, BOTH need genuine loving support... they need to know that they have not been forgotten... forsaken... judged... ONLY TRUE LOVE can lift any curse... 
 
THIS MOTHER'S HEART IS CRYING OUT TO THE WORLD FOR YOUR TRUE LOVE FOR THOSE I LOVE for my son, my daughter in law and my grandchildren! Not just for the story you feel most connected with... or the story that fits best with your religious values... even the Saviour so many of you worship, reached out both to the saints and the sinners with His GENUINE HEALING LOVE...
 
Why is this world so blind to what GENUINE, PURE LOVE really is!
 
I already know and feel comforted by the ones I know will bring only GENUINE LOVE into this situation... Thank you to those rare treasures of TRUE FRIENDSHIP and TRUE LOVE, with all my heart.
 
When my daughter in law changed her profile picture to her new boyfriends, I must say, it was too early for me as I’d only just heard about their separation.  It made me feel sad and uncomfortable inside, but that’s all.  When someone tried to tell me how terrible it was and immediately wanted to start an attack on my daughter in law… taking sides… my response was basically, to let them know that their reaction and judgement only served to stick a knife into THEIR situation and twist it, causing more struggle than was necessary for THEM!  That, they were handling their situation in their own way and seemed to be coping well enough… all they needed therefor was OUR LOVE to help them get through THEIR trial in the best and most meaningful way possible.
 
Dr Kanda who visited this week out of the blue, just when I needed a True Friend and Listening Ear most... Bless him!  He witnessed my deepest emotional pain (not the first time)… but this time, over hearing of the separation… and reacted with such gentleness and understanding.  What a gift of friendship he is to my life.
 
Life always sends a refuge in times of greatest need for which helps me to truly believe, that I am watched over from Above and LOVED.  I have friends in Heaven.
 
Monday 16th April ~ Friday 13th April, was one of those intense kinds of days...
 
My lovely oldest nearby granddaughter recently had a throat infection that took away her voice for two weeks, so on Friday she had to go in for a small procedure under anesthetic to look at her voice box. It seems that her throat has healed from the infection, but her voice box had forgotten how to work so now she would need to go for speech therapy to learn how to have a voice again… unbelievable… she could only whisper and we were told that it could take as much as six weeks for her voice to return… I felt so helpless and prayed so hard for her.
 
My daughter in law’s mom, also had a big op on the same day, and did very well afterwards under the circumstances… she even went home today for recovery. Her husband took such incredibly good care of her during her time of cancer treatment.  What an inspiration they both are.
 
And also on the same day, a young friend, Jess's, celebration of life funeral was held, which was so beautifully done. What stood out for me most was her beautifully united family and extended family… really very special to witness in this day and age where families seem so distant and distracted from each other. This family meet weekly, altogether with each other to sing and be together… they invited me once and it was such an enriching experience to see a house filled with singing, laughing, loving, happy family and friends. I will never forget and they will always be a huge example to me of how families should be.
 
My daughter visited my youngest son and I for lunch on Saturday and we went to her hours on Sunday for lunch, which was just what I really needed… so relaxing and “right”. 
 
Saturday, 21st April ~ My oldest son, visited me today... we had such a wonderful good few hours chat. I truly feel so honoured to be his mom... what a great spirit he truly has.  I have always… ALWAYS… believed in the goodness of his spirit. I am so grateful for all who have never stopped believing in the goodness and incredible potential of his spirit.  His visit was all the reassurance I needed that everything was going to be okay.  He is handling his own struggles with dignity and spiritual strength.
 
Monday, 23rd April ~ My youngest son started his terrible coughing again. He traveled on dust roads when he went fishing recently… I think that’s the problem. He coughs for days and days until his eyes are red and sore... his head splitting... but strangely, he doesn't cough much when he's sleeping at night. I get the feeling that after his lung operation, is it possible the dust gets stuck somewhere maybe in the 1/3 of lung he has left on one side. He doesn't cough up mucous... says his sinuses feel fine. His throat hurts, but we think from coughing so much and his lungs hurt. If he's sitting still, it's not as bad as if he's moving around or talking.  If we take him to the Drs, they dose him with antibiotics, etc... but sometimes he has to go on two bouts of antibiotics before it clears.  I wonder if he has asthma… ?  I’m thinking that’s what it is and will try treating him as if he was in future to see if that helps.  Our church leader and his wife donated a nebulizer which helped a lot..  I worry when my son gets this awful coughing thing, because it triggers memories of when he had his emergency lung operation at the age of 23... a very lonely and scary time for me.  My daughter tells me she was with me when he had his operation (a comforting revaluation)... I remember nothing much other than they said it would take 2 hours and 4 hours later I had still heard nothing... at the same time as he was in for his operation, by granddaughter (5th grandchild) was being born... talk about torn emotions when I received news of her birth while my son was still in the operating theatre.
 
Tuesday, 24th April ~ My beloved sister, Anne (sister of my 2nd husband), had a heart attack and ended up in ICU. I called all my friends to be with me in prayer for her. I love her so much. She has stood by me over all the years of my greatest struggles and has been the most faithful, loving friend I could ever have hoped for.  Thankfully, she recovered quickly and was soon able to go home.  What a relief.  I cannot even begin to imagine my life without her in it.  It’s hard enough that she lives on the other side of the world and now in her time of need, she is too far away for me to really be there for her… how I wish we lived closer to each other.
 
A MIRACLE... some really GOOD news I just had to share...
Yesterday I was cleaning out some drawers and found a SanDisk with a piece of paper in with it "27Nov16" I did not know if this thing would fit into my computer, so was delighted this morning when I found a slot and pushed it in and saw what was on it...
 
My computer crash happened at the start of June 2017... even my external hard disc was affected, so all I had left of my personal works were from before the crash, and whatever old things I could find on old flash discs and what my caring friends sent me when they heard about the crash.
 
On this little SanDisk I found all my works up till the end of November 2016... that means that in fact, all I had lost as a result of the crash, was only half a year’s work and I don't think I did much on the first half of 2017 that I hadn't saved from poetry sites that I posted my newer poems on, etc. The updating on my book was lost, but that's not the end of the world. Not finding (or being able to make) time to redo it IS!
 
46 lost poems recovered on that scandisk!!! And another really important gift of recovery was my typed-out diaries. I had started to type out old diaries/journals that I'd hand written along the way.  I have so many handwritten diaries taking up the entire top of my cupboard and two drawers. I needed to have that space back. So, decided to type out all the important history that I'd recorded in those journals and burn them afterwards. I'd already gone through a few and destroyed them, so finding that work on this SanDisk is truly a miracle gift from Life... I am so grateful!
 
WHAT A WONDERFUL BLESSING!
 
Thursday, 26th April ~ Presenting my new presentation called, “The Tribe and the Wounded Healer” went well at Unisa... some lack of confidence due to needing more preparation time, but otherwise everyone seemed to love the presentation and recommended one small change and the addition of another slide, so I was happy with their advice and made the changes.
 
My sweet granddaughter (third grandchild), still has no voice, but she can now, with speech therapy and with much effort, weakly squeak out a few words at a time… she’s getting there. What I am learning from her is how to bear one’s struggles with such dignity, even joy and resilience. She still attends her choir and drama classes and participates as if she still has a voice. She sings with her whisper and goes through all the motions of expression as if she is perfectly well… What a delight she is! Full of confident smiles and hugs and not feeling in the least bit sorry for herself. I still can’t get around the fact that laryngitis can cause such a thing as a person’s voice box to become paralysed… unbelievable! It could take weeks before she has her real voice back again, but in the meantime, she speaks in ways that are truly meaningful to my spirit and she’s only 9 years old.  Her other granny who was operated on, on the same day they looked at her voice box, is now declared cancer free… such joy!
 
Saturday, 28th April ~ wrote a blog post that I later deleted after much thought and realizing what part of my self had chosen the languaging for it… I deciding that it was not entirely appropriate, even though I have learned to honour the true voices of each part of my self, my adult self cannot allow anything on my blog that I feel might be hurt to others.
 
Sunday, 29th April ~ Marked first students Portfolio for this semester.  Soon my time will be completely taken up with marking the others, so I need to get as much done as I can before they all start arriving.
 
Monday, 30th April ~ Our church leader and his son came to mow the lawn for us, for which we were so grateful.  Since our neighbours moved out, we lost their kind help with mowing.  They were great neighbours and Daleen had become a true friend to me over the time she too went through her chemo therapy and is also cancer free today… thank Heavens.  I do miss her very much. 
 
Just before our neighbours left, our noisy little bird also stopped his incessant early morning and late afternoon joyful chirping.  I cannot even begin to tell you how much I miss that little bird.  Some doves moved into his tree outside our yard and I think that maybe they chased him away.  That little bird used to wake us in the morning and I’d always be reminded to follow his lead… to thank my Father in Heaven for the new day and request blessings upon it.  Without the little bird’s noisy reminder, I find it harder to do now and realise it’s something I need to be more aware of doing… only now, on my own. 
 
Healthwise, I have been struggling with a lot of minor aches and pains as the weather has been getting colder.  My thumbs are sore and it’s sometimes hard to hold the dishes to wash them… or if I bump the knuckle of my thumbs it really hurts… so that’s a very scary thing for me, because I see how my younger sister has suffered and how she can no longer hold a paint brush with ease… I wonder if I will soon not be able to paint either… I haven’t painted for ages, because of time constraints.  I need to find time… MAKE TIME, before it’s too late!  At times now I sleep with a thumb brace on one or other of my thumbs… whichever is hurting most at the time, and I have to pull my blankets up at night without using my thumbs, because they hurt when I do use them.    
 
Also the scaly redness around my mouth has not gone away.  I went to another pharmacy, and they also recommended vitamin B co tablets. The stress of late must be the cause.  I can’t think of anything else… my diet hasn’t changed at all!  What I also found helpful on my lips, was using the juice of an Aloe Vera plant growing in my yard.  It’s yucky to put on, but dries quickly and is not so visible when it’s dry.
 
Tuesday, 1st May ~ Today is the memory of my brother Peter’s (Petros) birthday.  (also a dear friend I once had who I will never be able to forget) I believe that my brother has been with me in spirit, ever since he passed away, which is such a comfort to me daily.
 
My 2nd son came over the long weekend, to install the new work computer for the office... he did an incredible job of matching everything up and saving everything from the old computer to the new. He even took photos of where all my desktop and task bar icons were and put them back on in the right order for me, which was wonderfully good of him... I hardly feel the difference other than maybe a little eyestrain for now due to a different screen, so I guess my eyes just need time to adjust.
 
Wednesday, 2nd May ~ The memory of my brother’s Love-Day… he passed away in his sleep during the night 2005.  That broke our hearts, because after a two-week search, we’d not been able to find him to wish him Happy Birthday for the 1st… the day before.
 
Wonderful news
But today, I received the most wonderful news!  My granddaughter's precious voice came back. Just like that, it's back after 5 weeks without it! I was overjoyed to receive the news! Her mom said that it is like her brain just remembered how to talk when she woke up in the morning.  It was wonderful to hear her sweet little voice message this morning on WhatsApp… I got tears in my eyes as I listened to it over and over again!  I was feeling so grateful and so happy I could have POPPED!!!
 
My granddaughter now had her on-stage speech to prepare for in two days... she got her voice back just in time!  The night before her voice came back, her parents let her know that she wouldn't be able to do the talk without a voice... she cried, because she had really been looking forward to doing it... when she woke this morning her voice came back while she was doing her voice exercises... everyone was so surprised and over the moon with joy!
 
Thursday, 3rd May ~ The exhaust pipe fell off of my car as I drove into the driveway of a cement seller’s plot.  There was a small ditch and a metal bar buried into the driveway that must have bumped it off.  Thank Heaven’s I had our friend and helper Shem with me on the day.  He’s so assertive… called to someone to bring wire and told me where to park the car on a steep incline close by to make a space under it… then he proceeded to climb underneath and tie my exhaust back on again… he was covered in fine brown dirt by the time he was done!  I felt so grateful for how well he took charge of the situation.  What a blessing he is.  So at least I was able to drive home.  I was disappointed in the owner of the place though!  When I went to tell him what happened, he told me to ask someone outside for wire and sent me on my way.  I actually felt hurt and violated by his indifference and lack of care.  By the time I returned to the car, Shem was already under the car with a bundle of wire he’d organized!  What a good man!
 
When we returned home with the bags of cement and sand, Shem immediately went about digging and preparing my little vegetable patch to build a small inner wall to help keep water in the beds.  My back yard is almost perfect now… as soon as we can afford some more cement and sand, Shem will do the last bits of walling to finish off.  I can’t wait for that to be done and hope it will be done before spring planting.
 
Saturday, 5th May ~ One of my dear friends… (one of the Logotherapy students I’ve grown to love over the months), came to visit.  We have a lot in common and had such a lovely visit together.  She brought me gifts of love, and among them, a whole lot of gemstones and two gemstone books… what a treasure and joy to my soul!  I have loved gemstones since I was a little girl.  She even gave me a gemstone bracelet… so pretty.  I am totally delighted with it.  I felt very uplifted and refreshed by her visit.
 
During the afternoon (I left it too late), I prepared for the presentation I was going to give the next day to the lady whose book I used for the presentation.  Her important book is advertised in a picture insert with this post.  I have not had time to read the whole book yet, but just by the parts I used for my presentation, I believe that I an highly recommend her book and I look forward to reading it all as soon as I can find time.
 
Sunday, 6th May ~ Spent the whole day out.  I traveled with my colleague Dr Kanda, to present "The Tribe and The Wounded Healer" to Lorraine and her friend. I was really nervous in case she didn't like how I'd interpreted her work, but she did like it thank goodness and so did her visitor. It was good to have Dr Kanda there for backup. I won't do presentations without LogoBackup (although I did once and it went really well.)  I’m always willing to do what I can if there is a LogoSomeone with me to answer questions, etc.  I tend to shut down if people ask me questions, and then can’t even answer the most basic questions.  It’s so embarrassing.
 
We then went to visit out dear LogoColleague, Lesley who had been very ill with pneumonia. We had a delicious lunch there and such a special afternoon together warmed in front of her fire. 
 
By the time we arrived home, I was totally wiped out but feeling happy inside. It was so good to spend the day with friends and like-minded people. Very uplifting.
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~ Panayiota​

Recently I posted a blog post and a few days later after much thought, I deleted it from the site.  Some readers have asked me to re-post it, but instead, I will post the parts that I feel would be helpful in putting together a new blog post instead about DID, because today I found another really great link on the subject which I feel is important to read in order to understand the subject even better.
 
I sometimes repeat stuff like my poems or links that I have used in other articles… my reasoning for this, is that I feel to reinforce messages that I share and also, knowing that not everyone has the time to read every blog post, so hopefully the right person will be drawn to the right post for them at the right time.
 
Previous link share:  
https://information.pods-online.org.uk/what-is-dissociative-identity-disorder-did/
 
Today’s link share:    
​https://www.instituteforcreativemindfulness.com/icm-blog-redefine-therapy/fighting-dissociation-phobia-and-coming-out-as-a-professional-with-a-dissociative-disorder-dr-jamie-marich
 
OUR BEAUTIFUL SONG
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I live in three worlds that clash and divide
With chasms and rock falls on every side
Where storms come and go leaving chaos and mud
And absolute devastation in each suffocating flood
 
A frightened little girl weeps in a broken heap
Holding her knees as she tries to sleep
The weight of her tears presses her down
And all the while, she fears she might drown
 
An angry adolescent lashes out at each threat
Bent on defeating the troubles she’s met
And all the while a screaming wind blows
Painfully returning all that she throws
 
An adult is left confused and alone
Wondering if she’ll ever find her way home
And no one can reach her, or find their way in
They can’t understand where the others have been
 
And so the war rages, inside and out
Leaving her wondering what “Life’s” all about
But deep down she knows that no matter how bad
No matter how hard, and no matter how sad
 
She does have a purpose and has to go on
For her life has been blessed by a beautiful song
She hears the tune faintly, but its meaning is clear
Her spirit is awakened in just knowing it’s there
 
She believes that one day her music will play loud
With chorusing angels atop every cloud.
So she’ll never give up... she’ll never give in
There’s coming a day when she will hear her voice sing.
 
While the little girl will remember how to laugh and play
And the adolescent will find peace at last on that day.
And all three will embrace united as one,
Joining together in their beautiful song.
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(14 October 2014)
 
Doing an exercise in a class I was attending recently, triggered a deeply sad emotional state for me.  Feeling an unsettling sense of loss at my personal place of safety, my comfort zone and my happy place… that it is all being threatened and turned upside down is ultimately draining me of my sense of peace and belonging.
 
During the exercise, my inner-adolescent, Patricia, burst to the surface so unexpectedly, filled with her emotions and her wanting her voice to be heard, writing her feelings in no uncertain terms on my piece of paper and later in the now deleted blog post. 
 
I am aware of her presence when this happens.  She brings emotions of absolute frustration due to a desperate need to protect those she loves in a situation that appears far too BIG for her (as it was where these emotions originated in her past)… there is therefore also a deep sense of hopelessness.
 
On the deleted blog post I shared (adapted):
And with that, a surge of tears, bursting inside, overflowed to the surface… Crying more on the inside than I could bear, I put my head down on the table as I sunk deeply into that fit of despair… I felt myself falling down the swirling-darkness of the rabbit hole once again… dissociating… an emotional cut-off from the intensity of my inner-world pain, and my surroundings.
 
Not knowing how to fix what I feel is being threatened and broken, I once again, take my deep pain, wrap it in cotton wool and tuck it away… to keep going on for another day… so, I deleted the blog post.
 
Patricia (my inner adolescent) is again silenced in the process, after a gentle inner-dialogue to reassure her that it is important that it be this way, because she can hurt others when she speaks her mind.  We can’t allow that… I think she understands, because she is more at peace now that she’s at least had a chance to express her feelings.  She mostly never had a voice through all the years and now that she has, I need to help her to learn how to maintain self-control for a greater good.
 
TUCKING AWAY THE FEAR, THE PAIN AND THE ANGER!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Do NOT express it!  Go on!  Go on
Hold it all in!  Quieten that sad song
Do NOT express it!  Do NOT cry out
Do NOT argue!  Do NOT shout
 
Tuck it away!  Go on!  Go on
Who can hear your mournful song
Alone you must find a way out of ‘that place’
To discover your true self!  To see your own face
 
Who can help you, or dry those tears
Alone you must conquer your own bitter fears
Find your own strength!  YOU MUST!  YOU MUST
Search your own light, for ‘IN YOU’, you must trust
 
Move forward!  Climb high! Never give in
Hold tightly God’s hand!  ‘Life’s’ between you and Him
Grasp your ‘life’s meaning’ – ‘life’s purpose’ for you
It’s all that is left!  It’s what you MUST DO
 
Try to believe ‘it’ and never let go
If it’s meant to be, then it WILL be so
When you defiantly stand for ‘YOUR GOOD AND YOUR TRUE’
Then nothing can stop ‘that course’ meant for you
 
You are unique and so is your work
So, do not abandon it and do not shirk
The world is waiting for what you can give
Sharing your purpose is the true way to ‘LIVE’
 
Keep moving forward
Life’s blessings will come
Emerge from the darkness
Enter the sun
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(Tuesday, 26 October 2010 – Thank you Teria)
 
ACTIONS FOR SURFACING AND HEALING
So, what do I do when I find myself falling down the rabbit hole.  I am aware it’s happening, but it feels out of my control.  I used to jump up and run out of the room crying… go hide myself away… totally embarrassed and feeling like a fool.  But my Logotherapy family have taught me, that I can “BE” in their presence.  I can be me, warts, tears and all.  So, I don’t run from my own emotions anymore for fear of more ridicule… I stay… allow myself to sink into that falling place for a while… no good fighting it, it’s far too intense in the moment… then I lay my head down and instead of panicking, I relax every part of my being… my mind, my body… my heart… until I’m not falling so fast anymore… the internal crying ceases… tears on the inside stop overflowing on the outside and I am able to start to resurface.
 
I gradually begin to reconnect with my surroundings again… I hear their voices… make a point of listening… catching the scattered words which at first sound mumbled but are soon identifiable again.  I stay with the voices and the words, until I can lift my head once more.  But I’m not ready yet to completely reconnect with the group… I keep myself on the surface by beginning to doodle… doodling gradually draws me back to my adult-self once more… it gives me safe-time to recover… still detached from the group, but still there with them… if that makes any sense.  Where I used to run and hide, I now trust myself and my family there enough to stay and face my own reality… my own weaker emotions and states of being.
 
Gradually I am able to reconnect with the group on level ground once more… almost as if nothing happened… participating and being with them.  I am so grateful for my healing journey and owe so much of it to my studies of Logotherapy and to those who have always believed in me and stood by me along the way… my steadfast faithful friends and family/extended family and my Logotherapy World keeps me going.
 
It is important to note, that all the above is based on my own personal perceptions… it’s about me and my spirit feeling lost at this time for some reason only my inner-self can explain… It’s about my inner children… Patricia and her over-protective, rebellious nature and Patty, in her tearful, fearful brokenness.
 
I recognise this and a quote by one of my dearest friends comes to mind…
 
"Our pain and sufferings are meant to awaken our spiritual aspirations.  Life is always asking us, “What are we meant to discover in any particular situation?”" ~ Henry Mason
 
That’s where my focus must be for now… and, to work to help LOVE this situation right.  My emotions of frustration and fear at what I perceive as “impending loss or an end”, will only add negative fuel to what is already feeling wrong in my world…
 
Only LOVE can lift the curse of any bad situation.  This is my life’s message to the world and I need to live by it also.
 
A great therapist once wrote:
 
Changing the information processing
Children who are subject to chronic abuse are forced to train focus away from language and verbal content toward non-verbal, danger related cues such as body language, tone of voice, facial expressions and so forth.  This type of processing facilitates a quick response to danger, but occurs at the expense of abstract reasoning and the use of language and ideas.  Such children are hyper vigilant and are often misdiagnosed as having Attention deficit disorder (Naparstek 2006:85) from the theses of (Wade 2009:163)
 
So, I don’t know if my perceptions are real or imagined, I only know that they ARE… I know I feel as though I am in danger of losing my wonderful extended family … another loss I already know I won’t be able to bear easily, because even the hint of such a loss is already affecting me deeply… I feel like I’m fighting (on the inside) for my life.
 
Thank you for sharing with me today.
 
~ Panayiota

This must have been the best Mother’s Day I can remember in a long-long time.  On Saturday, my daughter and son in law invited my youngest son and I to a braai at their new house.  I love it there, because it’s a place where I feel comfortable, relaxed, accepted, loved and at peace.  They have the sweetest little dog, which was recently attacked by two Alsatians while my daughter was walking her on a lead in a nearby park, but thankfully she is doing well after some expensive veterinary treatment for the holes in her one leg.  My brave daughter managed to fight the Alsatians off and rushed home with her screaming, bleeding dog tightly held in her arms.  She is still looking for the lady who was walking her dogs and allowed them to slip out of her hands when they saw the little one.  It is only right that she pays the veterinary bill.
 
Anyway, it was good to see how well the little dog is doing.  She has such a positive and exuberant nature, that not even the pain of her wounds could stop her from greeting my son and I as if we were her long-lost friends. What a sweet girl she is… we were seriously feeling the love and it was wonderful.
 
On Sunday, my son and I attended church, because three of my grandchildren said that they were going to sing for the moms and grannys… they were so excited about it, so we couldn’t let them down.  Their song was beautifully done and triggered tears for me yet again.  Seems that listening to children singing is always going to touch a very special part of my soul. 
 
My 9 year old granddaughter recently lost her voice after having laryngitis and it only returned after five weeks.  All the time she had no voice and could only whisper, she remained positive and continued to attend her choir practices and drama classes in the afternoons.  I was so inspired by her courage, confidence and positivity.  On the day I heard that her voice had returned, I was totally overjoyed!  It just came back one morning, two days before she was due to go on stage for a speech she had been chosen to do and a few days before a choir concert she and my grandson were to be a part of.  (The Winter Concert Series hosted by the Jacaranda Children’s Choir in Pretoria).  My granddaughter was able to attend both events just when we felt there was going to be no way… What a miracle of pure joy!  My daughter in law invited me to attend the choir concert with her and we had a lovely evening listening to all the different childrens’ choirs singing and seeing our own little ones up on stage. 
 
I must say that I felt so helpless when my granddaughter lost her voice… kind of afraid too, because she is our little singer and actress… such a confident child… we’d never known anyone who had lost their voice before, so it was scary.  Thankfully her speech therapy exercises and will power helped to bring her beautiful voice back.  I am so grateful.
 
At church my family gave me big hugs, and a gift of sugar free sweets and chocolates… YUM!  And my dear friend Noleen and family gave me yummy treats also.  The day before, my daughter and son in law, also spoilt me with a gift of sugar free sweets and chocolates and a pair of much needed thermal socks.  Winter is here already, so I know I’m going to absolutely love those socks as it gets colder.
 
After church, on Sunday, my youngest son and I returned home with no real plans.  I had it in my head to do more work… I always have loads of stuff to catch up on… my office work as well as my personal works, so every spare moment counts… but what a surprise greeted us when my oldest son arrived to wish me happy Mother’s Day, also with a warm hug a yummy gift in hand for us both. 

I never expected him to visit like that… a very rare and most wonderful treat… and so, my utter JOY for Mother’s Day was complete.  I could not have been happier if I tried.  After my son visited, he invited us to go see his new home… he and my dear daughter in law have separated to be divorced, and so he lives a lot closer now.  We had such a lovely afternoon with him… lunch at his house and a long walk together around the beautiful property where he stays.  We spent a good few hours together on Mother’s Day… it was a wonderful blessing for my mommy heart, and it was so good to see my son doing and coping so well… I have never stopped believing in him, and it was comforting to be reminded of exactly why.  It was such a beautiful day together.
 
On Mother’s Day, of course I also thought about my beloved Greek Stepmother who is now in Heaven and felt grateful for her incredible influence in my life.   I always think of this scripture when I think of her
 
Proverbs 31:25-31 King James Version (KJV)
25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.
30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.
 
But the more I learn about child abuse and its possible devastating lifelong effect on the adult survivor, the more I learn to accept my own mother, and I hurt for the lost and broken little girl she once was, who has lived… lost and alone… inside of her over all the years… and I imagine still does.
 
On the British Mother’s Day last month, I had not realized it was Mother’s Day there… I only found out a few days later.  But what did make me happy, was that on the actual day, I had been writing to someone and mentioned my mother in my sharing, and I was grateful that on that day, I had thought of her kindly.  That gave me a sense of peace and comfort… as though I’d somehow connected subconsciously with the heart of my mother on the day… a kind of invisible hug for her… and for me.
 
I’d written to the person: 
 
“I feel that I am in a perpetual state of mourning… my sister lives too far away… part of me still wants to laugh and play with her… part of me needs to protect her and to know she’s safe… too many losses… too much sadness… unable to save the world… never having known my mother’s love… unable to love her in her old age (because she has rejected her children)… imagining her alone and uncared for… wanting to hold her in  my arms and tell her I still love her even without her love in return… wondering when someone is going to let us know she died… not sure if I could bear that pain, yet I feel I owe her nothing at the same time for all the years of pain she has caused us… part of me will still always mourn for my mother’s love…”
 
So, I am not sitting here all miserable… but when I think of my mother, I can’t help wondering if she’s ok and wishing she was here for me to take care of her… show her, in the winter of her life, what unconditional love really feels like… I would not hold back on loving her with all my heart if I had that chance.
 
Today, 15th May 18, I wrote:
 
IS SOMEONE LOVING YOU MOM?
All Rights Reserved © www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Where are you this Mother’s Day dear Mom?
Where are you?
We wonder-with pain.
What are you doing?
Are you alone and miserable? Or,
Is there someone there to hold and love you Mom?
We hope so.
Do you think of your girls on Mother’s Day?
Do you miss us, even just a little Mom?
We miss you.
The more we’ve come to understand our own struggles
The more we’ve come to understand you Mom.
We weren’t the only ones who suffered cruel child abuse…
You suffered it also.
Now we can hear the little girl crying without end inside of you
And the angry one, probably still turning your world upside down
You didn’t know how to stop that endless crying and awful anger Mom.
So, you let it hurt us too.
But somehow, no matter what you did to us…
We still dream for your love…
An agonizing, never-ending dream.
And so dear Mom, we can’t stop longing for you…
We can’t stop loving you.
It would be so much easier if we could…
JUST STOP!
So, we continue to wonder-with pain
Where are you mom?
Did someone hold and love you this Mother’s Day?
…on our behalf…
We hurt to imagine you alone, dear Mom...
We wish you LOVE.
 
From your ever-longing, forever-loving daughters.
 
~ Panayiota (and sister).
 
Regardless of the moments where thoughts of my own mother allowed hurts to return… it was still one of the most beautiful Mother’s Days I’ve had in years.  The other one that really stands out for me, was many years ago, when my oldest son rallied the other children to help him very early one morning to organize a huge Mother’s Day breakfast for me.  When they came through with an enormous platter of Texan steak, fries, mushrooms, tomatoes, etc. I nearly fainted… hahahaha!  Of course I shared it with them all… no human being in their right mind could possibly have eaten so much on their own for breakfast!  I still laugh about that today but remember it with so much love for the joy their wonderful efforts of love gave to me that day.  They were still young, so it really was very special to my heart.  This Mother’s Day, I felt that way again.  A BIG thank you to my wonderful children.
 
One more lovely surprise on Mother’s Day made me very happy.  One of the children (now a man) who I always loved as my own child when he was small, sent me a loving Mother’s Day message.  His simple but most appreciated message: “Happy Mother’s Day my other mother (kiss smiley) wish you all the best.”
 
Sometimes I’m sad that the others don’t remember me on Mother’s Day… I had quite a few that I loved as my own… but it’s okay really… I know that they love me and I won’t forget them and the strength they gave to me over some of the most difficult years of my life whilst living with our abuser… my second husband… so remembering my “other children” and the gift they were to my life is enough for my mommy-heart.
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~ Panayiota.

Did you ever have a friend, who you really loved being around and having had as a friend.  Then one day, everything seemed to go wrong between you and your friendship was torn apart.  After that, you somehow seem to hurt each other more over time… most often, inadvertently… all because trust has been damaged on both sides. 
 
All the pain that is caused between you, is not because you are angry with each other or hate each other, but rather, because you actually still love each other and really wish it was all the same between you as it used to be.  Well… that’s what I believe from my side… I could be fooling myself completely though, but it makes me feel better to imagine it’s all about TRUE LOVE ♥
 
Did you ever have such a friend?  I have two that I can think of that I lost along the way…
 
Two that I miss terribly… Emmy is one… I feel safe to mention her name here, because I have been able to let go of the agonizing hope… because I realized that holding on was futile… the distance of our friendship became too great due to the trust-damage caused in the split… but there is still hope for the other and I to reconcile… I haven’t given up on that friendship yet.
 
The love never dies, so the pain and the hurting goes on and on endlessly.  It’s far easier to be angry and to hate and blame and find excuses to cover up one’s pain… but I can’t allow that to happen from my side.  It’s more healing to see the picture from a kinder and more loving perspective… I feel more at ease, imagining that my friend might be missing me as much as I am missing her right now.
 
How does one fix it when both have wronged the other and been hurt by the other and that's broken the trust?  How do we get past all the hurts and the negative and intrusive imaginings that are created by the lost trust and hurts?
 
I honestly don’t think that either of us meant to hurt each other at all… we didn’t… but it happened… and now we’re stuck at each end of a dark tunnel of friendship lost…

This reminds me of another picture that I identify deeply with: "Love" by Alexander Milov
I wanted to post it here, but Weebly is no longer allowing me to post images where I want them to show... so it's ended up at the end... 
 
Pride must NOT get in the way… LOVE must rule in the end… LOVE has the power to heal all wounds.
 
Everything will come right in Heaven I believe… that’s one HOPE I still really believe in and must hold onto no matter what.  I’m glad I have a Heaven to believe in ♥ I KNOW have friends in Heaven.  When I lose my true friends here, I have hope that I will find them there again some beautiful day... if we can’t find the trust and love needed again while we’re here ♥ 
 
Happy Mother’s Day to all my dear friends… even my dear and still loved lost friends… and my own Mother who is lost somewhere in this world… England we believe...
 
Mom, Sharon and I will never stop loving you no matter how far you distance yourself from us, or what horrible memories from the past still haunt us… we will still never be able to stop loving you no matter what… we have not lost the “good memories”… I remember how we used to have those moments of crazy and uncontrollable, snorting-laughter together during embarrassing moments… like in the Dr’s waiting room… rare and beautiful moments in time… I haven’t forgotten mom and I won’t.  Until we meet again someday where all the painful and ugly memories will have passed away and Sharon and I be able to embrace you… our mom… for REAL at last ♥ We will be thinking of you lovingly this Mother’s Day ♥
 
I am grateful for my Greek-stepmother who stepped in where our own mother couldn’t.  Happy Mother’s Day to you too dearest Ma in Heaven… Thank you so much ♥
 
Thank you for sharing with me today and Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms who read this.  Have a wonderful day and may it be filled with love. 

​If any moms are not feeling the LOVE tomorrow… write to me and when I’m home during the day, we can chat ♥ In the meantime, I send you my LOVE and HUGS for your Mother’s Day and hope it will make at least some difference for comfort in your heart ♥
 
~ Panayiota
 
The link is kind of unrelated, but I liked it and identified, so I’m including it.
http://mygreatminds.com/every-empath-will-try-hide-11-things/

Dealing with my youngest son being very ill recently, loads of worries, threats of loss, extreme financial strain for a good few months now and an upset recently has kind of left me in a bad space this week that I’m struggling to emerge from.  I have such an important job to do today and I just can’t seem to connect… 
 
Part of me just wants to give up, because going on seems far-far-far too hard, while another part of me has transcended so much already that surely, I can still keep moving forward regardless of the constantly teetering circumstances of my life. 
 
What makes this really hard, is not being sure where forward leads to anymore.  Like this brick wall that I’m staring at behind my computer… if it didn’t have the pictures of my family and reminders of what’s important to me stuck all over it, it would just be a cold, hard brick wall. 
 
I feel like I’m facing a brick wall in my life right now… disconnected… drifting… lost again.
 
I realise all too clearly once again, that no matter how I try to express my deeper emotions or frustrations, etc. I will always be judged for having them in the first place and daring to express them.  My sharing always ends up being the ammunition for attacks against my self.  That it is me who will always come off second best and have to take the flack for whatever.  Like my truths do not exist… are not important and it is better for me to just shut up and let my world crumble to hell around me.
 
What difference does it make anyway… nothing changes so what’s the use!
 
Unless you have experienced DID (dissociative identity disorder), how could I expect you to understand.  But I would hope that there would be enough heart and spirit to at least have some ability to read between the lines of my life and the cries of my soul.
 
Everything I say and do is a result of genuine LOVE and the treat of that Love being taken from me…
 
It never ends… it’s always the same results… LOSS.
 
There’s nowhere real enough in this world to turn for solace… never was really... reminds me of a song that I once heard.  I searched on the internet this morning and found a rendition of it that I rather like, so I will share with some adapted lyrics…
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwY2EpAgW-M
 
Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger or sadness
I draw myself apart searching my soul
 
Where, when my aching grows
Where, when I languish
Where, in my need to know
Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand? He only one.
 
He answers privately, reaches my reaching. 
In my Gethsemane, He is my friend.
Gentle the peace He finds for my beseeching
Constant He is and kind,
Love without end.
 
What got me to write this today is how ridiculously detached I have been.  When I had finished watering the garden early this morning, I went to go bath.  But, what on earth happened to the clean change of clothes I had put out earlier?  I remembered going to get them and getting them ready?  I usually hang them over the wash basket to put on after I’ve bathed, but they weren’t there… I searched the house and even looked inside the wash basket… but they weren’t there on top of the other clothes as I would have expected if they fell in.  Totally bewildered I went to get some more out of the cupboard… poured the bath… which for some reason, I was sure I poured before I went to water the garden, but it was empty. 
 
Only when I was in the bath, did I start to catch glimpses of my early morning reality.  I had already bathed earlier (about an hour before)… which explains the missing clean clothes.  
 
I have that important job to do today, I cannot afford to be detached and floating around in my head today.  I must reconnect and get the job done. 
 
Maybe, sharing this and believing that someone out there will identify and understand what this feels like and how it happens will help me to feel less alone right now, so that I will be able to make some work progress as the day goes on. 

It's very quiet at work at this time of the year... that could be a major part of the problem.  There's still a whole lot to do, but there's less calls and connection... the days drag on too long and too quiet... what is most meaningful to me and most needed for me to feel alive inside... a somebody... is the connections...

This takes me back to what I posted in February:

“The Opposite of Addiction is Connection”… written by Jonathan Davis.

“How Our Ability to Connect is Impaired by Trauma
Trauma is well-known to cause interruption to healthy neural wiring, in both the developing and mature brain. A deeper issue here is that people who have suffered trauma, particularly children, can be left with an underlying sense that the world is no longer safe, or that people can no longer be trusted. This erosion (or complete destruction) of a sense of trust, that our family, community and society will keep us safe, results in isolation” https://upliftconnect.com/opposite-addiction-connection/

I cannot believe it’s midday already… where on earth did the morning go… I'm still so scattered and bewildered... time escapes me… but not giving up!  It might take hours, but that job will get done today one way or another!
 
Thank you for sharing with me today.
 
~ Panayiota

Later...  I did get the job done!  So relieved ♥

I have just deleted the last post I wrote on my blog.  It is the first time I’ve ever felt the need to do so.  Not because I felt bad about writing what I did… I needed to write authentically, to let out what was bothering me so much or else the trapped feelings would have consumed me completely. 
 
But I did feel bad about posting it and leaving it on the site for a few days, realising that my actions could also hurt others… I didn’t want or intend to do that.  
 
Nobody commented to me on my blog post, so I did not make the decision to delete on someone else’s recommendations or reactions… I deleted based on my own heart and conscience and I feel relieved...
 
Over the last few days, I thought a lot about what I’d written and my feelings and reactions to my perceptions of impending loss and my sense of helplessness in trying to keep together and protect those I have learned to love so much over the years. 
 
If one does not think long and hard about their own behaviours and reactions to trigger conditions, then we are no more than machines and animals who behave on drives and instincts alone. 
 
No!  I thought long and very-very hard… I knew I had to!

I thought about my emotional reactions to the shifting dynamics in my “safe-place”, and about those who I imagine have been repeatedly hurt by the behaviours of others over many months…

I asked myself many questions, like: Are they wise enough and equipped with enough strength and ability to rise above what I imagine is being done to them?  Yes… they are quite capable… they do not need my protection… they can sort out their own problems perfectly well on their own, without causing any hurt to others.
 
I could not protect my sister when we were little… I could not stop all the unbearable losses all through my life, so why am I still trying to stop things from falling apart and control situations that are way out of my hands and not  mine to control in the first place… I cannot.
 
I realise that in fact, it is me who does not belong.  Not because I am no good enough, but rather because I honestly don’t fit in… I honestly don’t belong.  I stopped belonging a long time ago… when I was a child.
 
I cannot cope with getting “too close”… whenever I get too close to any situation or person, I get burned…
 
I’m burning…
 
So I know that it is actually me now who needs to step back… pull myself out of situations that I find hurtful… situations that scare me, frustrate me, trigger anger or tears in me and make me feel uncomfortable, reminding me of my differences.  I need to pull myself out of situations that threaten more loss.  Situations that I cannot control… just like I couldn’t when I was small… situations I am not meant to control now that I’m an adult.
 
Socializing is not my place in this world… I do not belong with others for too long at a time.
 
So, even though I’ve been asked by my superior to be a part… to be there, I have to take my leave for now… until I can find a place of safely-belonging again. 
 
There is too much anxiety and too much hurt involved in getting too close… I can’t do it anymore and must not for the sake of my sanity and for the sake of others.
 
This is my best and safest way for me to give and share my love with all concerned and the world… from a distance… ♥
 
Thank you for sharing.
 
~ Panayiota.