​I’m in a strange place of limbo right now.  I’ve kind of come to terms with my 2nd son and family having left the country, so I don’t get overwhelmed with pain and the ugly-cry anymore when they videocall me.  They call often, every two or three days, just to let me know they’re okay.  Their faces look so happy on the video, even when I’m crying.  They let me cry while they carry on sharing their wonderful new experiences, and that has helped me so much.  Feeling their reassuring acceptance and love from so far away is enough… but there is still something missing… something wrong…
 
Trying to fathom what is wrong, I remind myself of my childhood… all those years of suffering and somehow enduring severe abuses… my childhood dream, that someday, daddy would come and rescue my sister and me… but he never did.  Deep down, I believe that I have been left with some resentment towards him because of that.  Surely, he knew how much we were suffering… surely, he should have come to save us from the monsters in our life.  Logic tells me there was really nothing he could do… my mother was a monster to him also!  She wielded much power over all who dared to cross her!  But my inner child does not have the capacity for logic that my adult self does…
 
The very first poem I ever wrote, when I was 12 years old, says it all. I remember being so afraid of my mother, that I chose to write the poem about a little boy, so that if she found it, she wouldn’t know it was about me… I wasn’t allowed to have or express feelings… we were only allowed to share her feelings… not our own!
 
A DADDY FOR ME
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
All alone in a great orphanage hall
A little boy sits against a big stone wall
A big silver tear runs down the little boy’s cheek
As he thinks of a father that might one day him come seek
He thinks how nice a daddy would be
They would play together and build a house in a tree
At night he would sit on his daddy’s knee
And his daddy would tell him a story or three
Then he would tuck him snug in bed
After he’s made sure he’s been jolly well fed.
 
*****
 
Next morning the matron came in with glee
And shouted, “There will be a daddy for you at three!”
The little boy did not move
She touched his shoulder
He toppled over
Then she said, “He’s dead, he’s dead!”
The little boy’s heart had broken in three
So, he did not live
For his new daddy to see.
 
~ Miss. Panayiota Petrou (Maiden name)
(1969 – 12 years old)
 
Our mother moved us every 6 months to a year. She was always running from her own past! Our lives were so unsettled and so insecure.  The longest we ever stayed anywhere was in the high school boarding where we stayed for 2 years.  I have a strong sense of flashback emotion of how it must have been for me.  We would have just made friends in our new school’s and then we had to leave them behind… again, and again, and again… loss after loss after loss!  I remember arriving at new schools still dressed in the old school’s uniforms with the wrong-coloured shoes, and being bullied and shouted at for that!  We were embarrassed and shamed so often, in so many ways!
 
What always hurt me, was that those that we loved from the last home and school, never came to rescue us; they never remembered us once we were gone, we were gone.  But MY HEART couldn’t forget what was lost… I longed for what was lost to be returned to me… I ached for what was lost… but it was gone… just as we were gone.  I think that this is where the invisibility spell started to take hold on my life… I felt as though I did not exist to anyone, except for my little sister… my best friend in the world… my only friend.
 
We were never allowed to love anything more than our mother; she took away and gave away anything we dared to love.  If a child visited and played with our toys, she’d let them take them home with him/her when they left.  “Patty won’t mind… will you Patty?” she’d say whilst giving me THE LOOK!  I remember feeling torn to pieces in each of those moments in time, but by then, my voice had already been taken away… I had no voice… I dared not try and use it, even if I still had it!  If we crossed her or even if she imagined we had, she’d instantly turn into the ugly growling monster again and beat the living daylights out of us!  Her moods were so unpredictable!  We literally feared for our lives!
 
My sister and I grew attachments to things that most people wouldn’t notice… I know that I for one became very interested in the insect world.  I’d spend hours (and still do today), rescuing insects from a swimming pool… I grew a great compassion for anything or anyone that might be suffering… so much so, that a lot of my therapy in 2006, was to teach me now NOT to take on the suffering of others and the world.  The therapy helped a lot, but I still feel the pain of others that is not meant to be mine… just not as terribly as before.  The problem had been very destructive and debilitating!  Once when we were walking home from school, we saw our family Morris Minor parked in the garage with a For Sale sign plastered on its window.  My sister and I cried buckets, because Old Faithful had become as real to us as if she were alive and a dear friend.  Our mother had not warned us… it was just there in our lives one day and then GONE!  She took everything we loved away from us!
 
My longings for LOVE… someone to rescue me… someone to remember me… someone to hear my voice… someone to authenticate my existence, became all-encompassing, and I do believe that I still struggle mightily with all that today.  My copious writings… So that when I’m dead, someone might remember that I lived if it is ever read.
 
When my son and family said they were going to leave, and eventually left, all those terrible flashback emotions returned with a vengeance… I truly struggled over that time and haven’t fully recovered yet!
 
For me, I experience any form of loss of a loved one, even by moving away, as a death!  I mourn and my emotions can be described as “anguish”. It is what it is… AND IT IS!!!! 
 
But, thankfully, my son and family did everything in the right order.  Firstly, they honoured my request, not to tell me when they were leaving… I knew it was soon, and yes, there was a big shock when they were suddenly gone and I realised that their loving-hugging visit the night before was a goodbye visit, but the shock, was far less than the agony of knowing exactly when I’d lose them if they’d given me a date for their departure!  I DON’T DO GOODBYES!  Did FAR-FAR-FAR too many of those when I was a child!  Secondly, they have called me often, and even when I cried croc tears on their first few video calls, they carried on talking and smiling and sharing details of their lovely new adventure with me… and most importantly, they managed to make me feel loved… as if I had not lost anything of their love in their leaving… they were still there for me… they remembered me… they could see me still… they had not forgotten me.  This has helped immensely with my healing from the anguish of their leaving.  In a sense, their continued contact and reassuring love had rescued me from my anguished state!
 
But there is still something missing from my joy for going on in life… I feel that I can’t be around people at this time… pushing the world away again and staying secluded and safe.  If I don’t get too close, you can’t hurt me when you leave… everyone eventually leaves and never comes back… well, that’s how my mind is reading things at times like this… it’s how it has always been for as long as I remember. 
 
The fear of suffering the pain of more loss, is more than I can bear, so what do I do?  I shut out the world to protect my heart.  And what does the world do… it stays out… starts to judge… forgets that I once was… or ever was… and that only serves to reinforce the distance I place myself at… trust is further lost and I choose to be alone where I’m safe… aloneness becomes my friend, along with my unconditionally-loving and ever-present dogs. 
 
Then someone says, “Come visit any time.” They could never understand how hard that is for me.  It’s hard enough to leave my house during good times, but when the world doesn’t feel welcoming or safe anymore, it’s almost impossible to beat the anxiety of leaving my home.  But now they also want me to leave my only real friends behind, locked up in the house so they don’t upset neighbours with their barking… HOW COULD ANYONE EVER UNDESRSTAND!
 
I have stopped going to church!  I’ve already explained above… but instead of feeling as though the arms of the church will always remain open to me, ONE became angry, because they could not accept Patricia’s voice… and it only takes ONE to totally lock those doors for me, because so much damage was already done over the years, and especially during the devastating transference and countertransference during my time in therapy.
 
A dear friend at church wanted me to fill in a form recently, after the upset mentioned above, Patricia’s voice was entered on the form, but when she heard that another dear friend was going to hospital for an operation, I decided that the form didn’t need to be returned.  It still sits here with Patricia’s voice on it.  I wonder how the friend would have reacted to Patricia’s voice… would she too have become angry and rejected me. 
 
Around the time of my son and family leaving, I took myself off of the family WhatsApp group… eventually they will all go away… nothing is permanent or sure… nothing can be sure or trusted in this world…
 
I have learned, that when people don’t and can’t understand, or don’t want to, then there’s no use trying to explain… and so I just withdraw… they already believe they have all the answers… they are so sure of their own truths on the matter, that they will never be able to grasp my truths… NEVER… they are the ones that can’t see or hear me… they make me sad and push me further into the emptiness of my invisibility…
 
But here, at least I have my dogs and my youngest son still comes and goes, even if he’s not really here most times when he is… but when he is, it’s so wonderful.  I absolutely love his company, when his company is available to me and he’s not lost in his games.
 
And that’s another thing that makes me so angry, is when someone insists that he should be dating and get married and I try to explain to them that I don’t believe that marriage would be something he could cope with. He does NOT have a sense of personal responsibility… wouldn’t think to feed the dogs, or lock the doors at night to protect his family, or put his own clothes in the wash basket, or even the washing machine.  He would rather stuff his tummy than pay a bill in time, or at all… etc. etc. etc.  The response of those who feel he should be dating and married, tells me that they think that I am keeping him from such a life!!!!  That makes me so angry!!!  What do they take me for!  GOOD GRIEF MAN!  I have done so much to give my son a life. I was told by all the professionals during his schooling years that he’d never make it in the open labour market!  The psychologist who had seen to him for a few years wanted me to put him into a workshop for the disabled!!
 
I REFUSED TO GIVE UP ON HIM!!!  DAMIT!!!  I’M SICK TO DEATH OF ALL THE JUDGMENTS THAT NEVER SEEM TO END!
 
Do you honestly think that I’d deprive my son of a life of love and independence? I’ve worked so hard to give him independence! It is because of how hard I’ve worked FOR HIM that he now works in the open labour market and earns a decent salary, and even has a code 10 driving license and is even working in the capacity of a supervisor, even though that has not been officially noted yet!
 
BUT WHEN I SAY, THAT NO, I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT HE IS CAPABLE OF SUPPORTING A FAMILY RESPONSIBLY, YOU’D BETTER BELIEVE THAT I KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT AS HIS MOTHER!!!!  I AM NOT SOME STUPID IDIOT THAT NEEDS A LOAFER HANGING AROUND MY HOUSE ALL DAY PLAYING GAMES, BECAUSE IT SOMEHOW MAKES ME FEEL GOOD OR SAFE OR SOMETHING!!! GIVE ME A FLIPPING BREAK! 
 
If I felt he could take care of a wife and children, I’d do everything in my power to help him achieve that step in his life!   
 
Usually, every year I honour on Facebook, my beloved Greek mother on the day of her passing… 25th February (2004).  This year, I never wrote there… even when I saw the memories of past posts about my Greek mom pop up over the last few days.  I’m too numb at this time, because everyone I love eventually leaves… nothing is sure…
 
What has been wonderful for me, is that my daughter and son-in-law so often invite me to their house… they make me feel so welcomes and I can take my dogs with me to play there with their dogs.  They love it so much and enjoy the much-needed exercise.  My daughter and son-in-law are the one place where I feel completely safe and happy to leave my house for and for that and them, I am so very grateful.
 
Today, 27th February, when I went out to water my front garden, there was suddenly a large yellow lime butterfly flying around my head again… it flew so close to my face more than once, that I could actually feel the wind from the flapping of its wings on my face.  Instantly, I thought of my Greek (step) mother… Often in the past when I have been sad or working in my vegetable garden, a lime butterfly would fly around me like that, and each time, I believed it was my Greek mother, there for me, and also proud of me for all the work I do in my garden.  A gift and ability she taught me when I was a child as I watched her tending to her own vegetable and herb garden.  I felt so much PURE JOY as the butterfly flew around me and almost kissed my face this morning. 
 
From the front yard, I moved to the back yard, and lo-and-behold, there was a decent sized white butterfly that flew around me a few times… again, I felt that it was no coincidence… it came close, but not as close as the lime butterfly… this time, I felt that the white butterfly represented my own mother, letting me know she’s doing okay and she’s proud of me.  I felt it was her, because it was in the back yard, just after her death that a white feather floated down just in front of my face… my son saw that happening also.  Where did that white feather come from? I believed it was from my mom, just as the white butterfly was today.  I haven’t seen butterflies in my yard for quite a long time… so seeing two today and both dancing around me, I truly believe was LOVE coming to me from the other side of the veil. 
 
This song has featured for me just lately and fits with this post at this time:
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2U0Ivkn2Ds
 
Thank you for sharing this post with me.  I am grateful for anyone who acknowledges their presence here with me. 
 
~ Panayiota 

So, you saw my last post and how much I was struggling.  I have to say, that after unloading all that, I began to feel so much calmer. Writing is healing for me. But there is still a niggling struggle inside of me that is keeping me deeply lost, struggling with dissociation, withdrawing and feeling very alone in this world once more. 
 
I wrote the last blog post on the 7th and chose not to mention what was really upsetting me. It was still too raw then.
 
On the 6th I received a WhatsApp from a group I’d been added to, asking for assistance with someone who was facing a difficult time.  Someone I love dearly.  The message came at a time, when I was crying out for THEIR LOVE, but was not feeling it in any meaningful measure that could have sustained me.
 
There are so many reasons why I could not respond to their message, besides the real struggle of always feeling negatively judged by these people.  I don’t feel 100% welcome in their home and that is a struggle I’ve had since I first moved to this area.  They don’t visit me very easily… in fact their visits have been extremely rare.  This has left me feeling that I am not good enough for them.  If only they knew how much I needed to feel unconditionally loved and accepted by them. They don’t show love easily, won’t participate on groups where their love could be reached by all who should at least try to be there for each other.
 
I want to feel loved and to be able to give my love freely, but they don’t accept my love.  I’ve already tried giving them whatever I am able… giving is my language of love.  But what I have to offer is always rejected by them… so again, I that leaves me feeling as though I’m not good enough.  They expect more from me than I have to give.  I offer vegetables from my yard… NO THANKS… I offered beautiful kitchen ware recently… NO THANKS… practically nothing that I have to give is received or welcomed by them… they want and expect from me that which I am completely unable to give them… it’s all or nothing…
 
I cannot leave my house easily… Why can’t they understand and believe that?
 
Besides, this month I am not using my car unless I have to, so I cannot offer lifts… in fact I never can, because the very expensive petrol prices hardly ever gets us through the month as it is.  
 
But they won’t believe that! 
 
This month, I’m trying to save for a trip to Pretoria mid-month, to go and spend a few hours with my greatest mentor, boss and dear friend who is in the country for a short holiday.  I must save the petrol to get there and back! Meeting with her is so important to me… YES, IT IS!
 
Can’t they give me that much! 
 
I walk around my house in broken slippers and rags.  I can’t afford to buy myself nice things and save my “good dresses” for going out only… I’m always last on the list in my own home. 
 
Who understands what it’s like to always be struggling to get through each month?  They are definitely doing whole lot better and earning a whole lot more, even though I do understand that their expenses are huge at this time?  I’ve discovered that when one is comfortable enough, they seem to imagine that everyone else must be too… well, right now, even in their struggle, my son and I are still NOT living nearly as comfortable as they are.
 
I’m not complaining about what I’m earning… NOT AT ALL… I am earning more than enough for the work I do… and I am extremely GRATEFUL for what I earn… I am grateful that I am not forced to leave my home to earn more.  I don’t believe I could do it anymore.  I am so very grateful for my work and for the BLESSING of working from home. I am so grateful for my “Logotherapy family” where I feel that my life has a purpose… what I have to give is ENOUGH… my work and me are accepted there… I feel valued and needed there…
 
Why wouldn’t I gravitate in this direction more readily?
 
Who could understand and believe what a BLESSING my Logotherapy World is for me?  It has kept me alive… it has kept me on my unique transcendent path… kept me climbing my mountain of HOPE… it has given me reason to TRUST someone… something… else in this world… it’s given me HOPE, FAITH & TRUST to make the choices that prevent me from giving up… choices that keep me going…
 
Everyone knows that I always feel more comfortable to visit outside my home if I feel invited and wanted.  Even my daughter knows that and invites me often.  I won’t just pitch up… it’s not in my DNA to intrude on others… my sense of worth has never been good enough to give me that kind of ability and freedom to “just arrive!”
 
But still, they don’t understand.  I’ve invited them… still waiting… I don’t have enough to offer in my home… their non-interest in visiting me, only adds to my sense of worthlessness and not feeling wanted or accepted.
 
They don’t understand… I’ve tried to accept that some people just can’t understand… but that doesn’t lessen the pain they cause by showing so little interest.  All I ask though is that I get at least 1-2 days warning before people visit, because due to my lack of confidence and lack of trust in the world and lack of functioning energy at times, and having been judged negatively all my life, I do like to make sure my house and I are decent and presentable before people arrive.  I tell everyone who I invite to just give me some warning.  There are some days when I’m so distant or withdrawn, that I can’t socialize… I feel safer alone.
 
My daughter and my own children (even my son and daughter in law) can come any time… I trust them 100% because they know and understand my struggles so much better than the rest of the world out there possibly can.  They KNOW I am a very hard worker.  They KNOW I am not lazy.  They KNOW I do my best, and, they KNOW that I can’t always cope with it all.
 
TIME… there is so much to say about my time struggles.  Where do I begin?
 
I just wrote to a Logotherapy student this morning, who has just qualified as a Clinical Hypnotherapist.  I was so interested in his work and my struggle with dissociation, that I asked him about one of my hardest daily struggles… let me share that with you…
 
But, will anyone understand anything more after reading this.  I pray you will:
 
Dear W,
 
For most of the first 50 years of my life, I practically lived in a daydream world (The Terrible Dream), which I have made a presentation on that our student’s get to watch in the Advanced course, unless you are very interested, in which case, I'd then send a link to it.  But it's best to wait until you are more entrenched in the philosophy of Logotherapy, because it was quite an intense daydream that I'd created for myself during the time I was being severely abused as a child. 
 
I have written a paper on the subject:  Some Thoughts on Daydreams and Logotherapy - https://medium.com/@logotherapysa/some-thoughts-on-daydreams-and-logotherapy-b5c8c96be148   
 
I have been blessed with the ability to help people interpret their nighttime nightmares/dreams Logotherapeutically as well as Daydream Worlds that are often created by child abuse victims.
 
Anyway, I don't live in my daydream world anymore since it was broken down and the meaning message was found in it... I no longer needed to go there.  Same as, if the meaning message of a nightmare/dream is worked out, the dreamer never needs to dream that dream again... and they therefore don't.  But these days, I tend to drift into a state that I call, The Deep Sleep... where I get so desperately tired, that I feel like I'm being dragged, swirling down a rabbit hole and that if I allow it to take me too deep, I might never wake up from it.  So, I literally struggle to stay on the surface of it and my work helps me to do that.  I have read up on “chronic fatigue syndrome”, and that apparently connects with child abuse... and also found it interesting to read the work of El Somer on “Maladaptive Daydreaming”. 
 
So, this is just some information on my kind of dissociation... I just shut down and even while I am still working, I still feel as though I'm being sucked away and would love to go and lie down and give in to it, but would never get anything done if I did... even my eyesight seems to want to turn inside out to stop me from focusing on my work... AARGH!  So, this slows my work down a lot and it will take me a lot longer to do stuff than someone else would.  And yes... depression is a constant factor, but I don't sit here crying all day... it's just a condition sitting in the background that I've grown up with and must live with and fight to the best of my ability.  I also struggle with body pain... I have studied up on psychosomatic pain and it fits... usually flaring up more when I've been upset about something.  Also, having dissociative identity disorder, for me, means that a part of my personality is always deeply sad... therein lies my biggest struggle.
 
Please… someone out there… can’t you see?  Can you please at least try to understand why it is so hard for me to leave my home?
 
And yes… I am aware that going out is helpful and stimulating, but my struggle to leave my house leaves me asking:  
 
“Where can I go where I can feel completely safe, unjudged, accepted, wanted, invited, loved”…
 
My three older children come to mind… I’m always so happy and at peace with them and their families, including their pets.  I feel completely motivated to leave my house to be with them. 
 
My life is generally a very lonely/alone one.  I have my two dogs… my best friends with me… I feel their LOVE and dread leaving them locked up alone at home. It’s not easy for me to turn my back on TRUE LOVE.  My daughter and son and family who have just left for England always welcome/d my dogs also… so they welcomed a major part of my heart to be there with us… that made me so happy and free to enjoy my moments with them all and their dogs. 
 
Unless you KNOW what hours and hours of aloneness feels like and where it takes one’s mind and energies to, you cannot judge or understand who I am and why I’d rather be at home with my Logotherapy world inside my computer (and my Facebook world) or somewhere safe where I can feel completely welcomed, free and unjudged… to be happy and at peace.
 
Otherwise, every day is a struggle for me.  I never know when I’m going to be emotionally stronger or weaker… I never know when I’m going to be able to sleep that night or not.  If I get less than 6 hours sleep, I can barely function the next day and the dissociation is so much worse.  And on top of all this is the body pain… some days it’s not too bad, and other’s it’s awful!  Very likely psychosomatic as a result of my past and triggers in my present. 
 
Read: “The Body Never Lies”: The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting by Alice Miller, if you ever want to know more. https://www.amazon.com/Body-Never-Lies-Lingering-Parenting-ebook/dp/B001VLXNAQ
 
I CANNOT MAKE COMMITMENTS TO ANYBODY… not to friends, family or at church!  PLEASE TRY TO UNDERSTAND!!! I can only promise to love you and give you what I personally have available at any one moment in time. 
 
If you who sent me that group message were reading this, this is what I’d want to tell you:
I don’t have the financial ability… I don’t have the emotional stability… I don’t have the means to give what you feel would make me worthy of your love and attention… I only have what I have, and you keep rejecting it… it’s never been enough for you… and it is YOU that have left me feeling rejected, unworthy and in desperate need of YOUR LOVE and understanding and acceptance!  I have needed your love to be as real as mine has been for you for as long as I can remember, but I realise that you did not live my life… you can’t possibly understand… you were never as alone or hurt as I have been, or as I am now.  You probably never knew that desperate need for loving acceptance that I am possessed with!
 
I removed myself off of the group without a word… I felt that no matter what I tried to say, you wouldn’t understand… WHO POSSIBLY CAN?… and that I’m dammed if I do and I’m dammed if I don’t… so in the end, I was left with… WHAT’S THE USE?  I am invisible and voiceless to you…
 
To Dream the Impossible Dream
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=is0w78dw7P8&list=PLIBwb2qTFP5n0AKlecTgxPo4HpZeUBr9l&index=13
 
The two areas of most potential for pain in my life are Church and Family… only because, they are the two areas where my need for PEACE, TRUST, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND BELONGING ACCEPTANCE reside in my heart and mind.  If one crashes, so does the other, because either way, if the one causes a dark storm in my heart, the other gets caught up in the storm also.  These two go hand in hand… both have enormous power to help me with my healing and both have enormous power to destroy me!  Religious judgements are the worst and most damaging, destructive and destroying of all!!!  
 
If only they KNEW how much I love and need their unconditional LOVE… IF ONLY THEY KNEW!
 
THANK YOU to those who understand… THANK YOU SO MUCH!
 
~ Panayiota

Wednesday 2nd February 2022 – Online banking problem… by the time I called my daughter and she had helped me to sort it all out I was in such a state that I had to take Rescue calming tablets! I wonder how I will ever manage when they one day leave the country also.  Who will I turn to for help then! 
 
Thursday 3rd – I found my car dead and was unable to go visit my dad and nephew.
 
Friday 4th – My littlest sister kindly came to help me kick-start it during the morning and I was able to visit my dear Nephew (visiting from Cyprus where he’s studying to become a doctor) and dad later in the day.  It was wonderful to see my nephew again.  I really do believe and trust in his love 100%.
 
Saturday 5th

• My daughter and son in law came to put up a cupboard I’d just bought, in my bedroom/office.  I desperately needed extra space so that I could reach things I don’t use because they are in boxes on top of each other.  Oh, how I love them.  I feel so loved and accepted and never judged badly by them too.
• They told me that my dear son in England had offered to pay for a new battery for my car, so they took my old one out to go buy a new one for me.  I am so blessed.
• A lovely student invited me to lunch and we had such a lovely time together.  She also bought with her a book gift… and anyone who knows me, knows how much I LOVE good books, even though I don’t get much time to read them!  I have so many on my bucket list which I am longing to buy one day and only imagine I will ever be able to read once I’m retired.  The book that the dear student bought me is called: “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle… from what I’ve been told by anyone I shared the title with, is that it’s a MUST READ!  She also bought me a bouquet of beautifully scented lavender and rose scented geranium and a box of incense which she suggested I use when reading the book.  I can’t stop smelling them all… so lovely… feels good for my soul. 

 
It's not easy for me to be invited out and treated by anyone… feels so foreign… I racked my brain to try and remember what conversations we had in the past… why was I important enough for her to invite me out.  Like I never felt worthy and that even made me feel uncomfortable… like I’m looking for possible reasons… I know… I’m so silly!  I enjoyed the outing so much… tried to imagine having a real friend like her… someone I could really trust and get close to without feeling threatened and that everything would fall to pieces eventually.  I wish I could have a normal life with normal relationships, but it’s impossible… it seems impossible… been there and done that and nothing ever worked before… not even my own mother loved me… all my most pivotal relationships eventually crumbled… there are pivotal ones (to me) today which I don’t fully trust… I feel their gossiping… I don’t feel welcomed in their homes… and that makes me feel so sad and detached… I am constantly reminded that I just ‘don’t feel I really belong’ anywhere. 
 
But this lovely friend-for-a-day gave me more than lunch and a book, etc.  She gave me a very special moment in time… one where I felt perfectly accepted, loved and cherished for who I am… a moment where I was even able to imagine the possibility of having such a friend… one who would never go away no matter what… Teria is such a friend… we don’t write to each other all the time or call or anything like that… but without doubt, I am totally convinced and in full trust that she of all people, will never go away.  Not many people in this world have ever been able to give me that kind of trust in a relationship… I can only think of one or two more for which I am so Eternally grateful. 

• When I went to bed this night, I could NOT fall asleep.  A part of my psyche had been disturbed.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe too much excitement in going out for lunch and being spoilt… it’s not like that happens every day!  I couldn’t wrap my head around it… just lay wide awake for ages and took Rescue to finally fall asleep.

 
Sunday 6th
It was my littlest sister’s 55th birthday today (it feels impossible that she could be 55… she’s my iddi-biddi sister… 55 just doesn’t fit with her at all.) I wanted to surprise her so woke early and put two chickens on and a whole lot of vegetables… I was going to do lunch for her and family.  But she sent a WhatsApp in response to my message to visit her on her birthday, before I had a chance to tell her about the lunch, that she would be away for the day.  I immediately felt sad and shut out… that’s how my mind works, for reasons only my mind can tell… I ended up giving part of the meal to my daughter and son-in-law, some for my son and I for supper and the rest I divided into little packets for quick meals for the month. 
 
Today, I found out that my youngest son had once again, not fully paid the two bills that are his responsibility each month.  He has NO excuse, but also has NO sense of domestic responsibility.  I cannot believe he’s done it again… the 2nd time now! He puts stuffing himself with sweets and food and data for playing games before adult expectations and responsibilities!  At work where he is supervised and stimulated all day long by people, customers and responsibilities there, he is doing so well… but when it comes to the home… he is most times, a complete disappointment to me!  When he does stuff like this, I feel totally beaten… it completely drains me of every ounce of energy and will to go on!  Yet… in the working world, he is such a huge success. 
 
My daughter and dear Logotherapist and maybe one other, are the only people who allow me to talk about him and unload my struggles with him… they believe me and do not JUDGE ME for HIS bad behaviours at home… and there are things I haven’t even told them… Oh if only I could!!!!  Sometimes I feel like I’m living with yet another emotional abuser!  We are such good friends at times when he at least tries, but on his days off it can get too much to see him slouching there in his chair playing games for hours on end, doing nothing to help in the home… nothing to better his life… nothing but stuffing himself and leaving the mess for me to clean up… I feel like his useless maid… and I have HAD ENOUGH!!!  I was married to two just like that before! 
 
It’s because I love him and I’ve worked so hard for him since he was born, that his bad and lazy behaviours hurt me so much now!  Next month we go into paying an extra +/- R1000 on the bills he didn’t get to pay properly this month, and that has left me feeling so insecure and angry inside.  I withdraw when I’m angry… when I ask him why he never paid them, he ignores me… walks away… and that makes me even angrier inside… like a pressure cooker ready to explode.  There’s no fighting on the outside… the anger festers inside and steals my joy for hours and days on end.
 
I tried to attend church via Zoom in the morning, but when I tried to reconnect after losing my connection whilst trying to get the headphones working, they did not let me back in again… I guess nobody was looking at their computer!  So again, I felt locked out and upset by that.  I managed to connect an hour later to the Sunday school portion, but only some voices could be heard, and in the end, I gave up.  (What’s the use?)
 
Somewhere during that time, my daughter and son in law came to put my new car battery in which they had bought the day before.  Then when they left, they took my dogs with them for a play date which always makes me so happy.  My dogs love to run and play with theirs. (Reminders of LOVE… givers of oxygen when the air I breathe feels really thin… they are life motivators and givers of strength) 
 
So, after what I could get of church, cooking for the nation am, packing the food and the apple slices I’d dried overnight, hung washing, picked more vegetables from the garden, watered the garden, and washed dishes, practically my whole day was gone and I was thoroughly exhausted.  Dusting the kettle, I sliced the tip of my one finger open on the metal spikes from the broken lid… it bled a lot and hurt!
 
Pm… my son video called from England… instant tears when I saw him and my grandchildren again.  I have worked out that I’m fine if they just phone call, but actually seeing them is just too much for this dear old mommy and yiayia heart of mine!  I’d cope better if they just do normal calls for now while I’m adjusting to their absence.  I was thrown straight into depression after their call… the kind that tries to drag me down into the deepest kind of sleep… the kind where I lose my ability to function. 
 
Thankfully my youngest son arrived home from work around then and we went together to pick up our dogs.  I still felt so disappointed in him for not paying the two bills which are his responsibility each month… but I didn’t have the energy to go there… (What’s the use?)
 
When we arrived home from picking up the dogs in the afternoon, I asked my youngest son to drop me off at the front gate so I could just run in quick to get something for him to drop off at a special friend a block away.  Firstly, I struggled for at least two very long minutes to open the little gate leading into our yard.  He sat there in the car… probably playing games because he was now close to home and connected to WiFi… and I felt myself getting really angry… I finally got into the yard… now to the front door… I could not open it due to it being so swollen with the recent rains.  For years since we moved in here, I’ve been asking for help with that darned door… the back one also!!!  One or two people have come to help, but it’s never been a permanent fix.  It gets so stuck that a number of times the handle has pulled clear off with all the pulling, and we’ve had to buy new to replace it!  Trying to push it open from the outside is impossible when it’s stuck… I have been in so much physical arthritis/gouty type pain since my 2nd son and family left for England that it’s no jokes… so trying to push the door open was THE LAST STRAW for me, and knowing that my son could hear me banging at it and really getting mad… yet he didn’t come to help… in the end I exploded… grabbed hold of my brand new mop sitting next to the door and started to bash the door violently with anger exploding out of me (a very rare thing)… if I have to think back on my past, I can only remember about 5 times that I ever got that angry… the mop stick broke into three pieces and flew all over in those few seconds that I lost my marbles… so now I don’t have a mop anymore too!!! 
 
I finally managed to get in, without his help… kept my cool after that… it was over… but I still can’t talk much to my son… he has not yet let me know what he spent all his money on this month and why he was not able to pay the two bills which is HIS responsibility every month!  I cannot live with that kind of uncertainty… I DON’T WANT TO LIVE WITH IT ANYMORE!!!  But I have no option… he’d eventually end up a hobo if he left home… I honestly believe that!  It’s taken a LOT of work to get him to where he is today… a functioning human being out in the working world… when all the special school professionals told us he’d never make it in the open labour market… the psychologist who took care of him said he needed to be placed in a workshop for the mentally disabled for the rest of his life!!!  I refused to listen to any of them and see how far my son has come today!  He has recently been promoted to a supervision position at work.  He even has a code 10 driving license! I would not give up on my child… but he’s a grown man now… why the hell should I be suffering still!!!  Will I ever get a break from such abuse and unhappiness in the home!
 
Right now, I feel the walls are up again… I DON’T want to be around people… I want to be left alone… my angry (hurting) personality (Patricia) is near the surface… the one who possesses the SILENCED SCREAM!!!  The one who has never been allowed to talk… it’s best to stay apart for now, because when she does talk, she pushes people away and alienates them to protect herself from more disappointment and harm… and THEY GO!  THEY ALWAYS GO!!!!

​What’s held me together over the last few days is the feeling of unconditional love I have received from my daughter and son in law, my 2nd son and family there, a student who took me to lunch, my Logotherapy world and my dogs… as well as good memories, such as the one below. 
 
I am constantly reminded that we are never ever completely abandoned to our struggles… Life takes care of us under any condition, if only we will always stay open to what is still good, beautiful, healing, right and true.  

A Facebook memory popped up this morning to remind me about all those transcendent moments that have happened in and for my life since Logotherapy found me in my 50’s… I’m now 65.  It’s memories like this that keep me going… that remind me that anything is possible if I just hold on and don’t give up… I WILL NEVER EVER GIVE UP!
 
A letter from my mentor and Logotherapy study supervisor, Teria Shantall, February 2013
Pan, I want you to think of coming with me to the Logotherapy World Congress this year. It runs from the 19th to the 23rd of June. I would love you to present a paper there (the one you presented to us in Israel last year). It will be to a select and smaller group when the plenary sessions are over and people go to various papers presented at the same time in different and smaller conference rooms. You can perhaps visit your sister and I can even meet her if she can come and visit us at the Congress which is held in Dallas in the beautiful Marriot Quorum hotel. You will have a room all to yourself.
 
I attended and presented at this conference and my sister sponsored my trip and spent the time there with me.  It was one of the most wonderful and growth promoting times of my life which I will never forget and will be forever grateful for. 
 
Thank you for sharing with me (please Like my posts so that I know that someone is with me here)
 
~ Panayiota

​So, from the moment my son, Jonathan, video called me the day after he, my wonderful daughter-in-law and my three beloved grandchildren left South Africa, I stopped the "tragic-grieving" crying... I've since been getting on with life by staying really busy, but realised that I'm now in a NUMB place... one that is easily triggered into anger.  (Don't mess with me here, in this place, because I might react out of my trapped pain, and if I do, we will both be hurt!) 

I realise that I must stay away from people when I'm like this... keep a low profile... a very lonely/alone place to be.  A SAFE PLACE FOR ME TO BE – SAFE FOR OTHERS WHOM I CARE ABOUT TOO!!!
 
Smile and act normal when I have to... stay very quiet and withdrawn in my own safe-space in-between...
 
The trapped anger has to stay trapped... feels a bit like being lost and alone in a desert wasteland... (the Silenced Scream... the title of my soon to be published book)… ANGRY at life for constantly taking away all that I LOVE and cherish most.
 
This EMPTY space reminds me of the places I often found myself visiting in my past and a poem I wrote way back then...
 
ABSENT FROM MY OWN LIFE!
© All rights reserved
 
I was absent from my own life, all those bitter years,
Driven to obscurity by my own self-loathing, guilt and fears!
I became invisible to anyone who could have led me home,
And chose a desert wasteland, all alone to roam!
I struggled over my own high mountains; I was lost in my own gloomy caves,
I wondered through dark jungles and dug myself many deep, cold graves!
I became a slave to my own sad memories and let them change my soul,
I burnt myself on my own self-doubts and lit each scorching coal!
Waves of confusion tried to drown me, in the seas of my own despair,
It was such a struggle to find shelter, from the storms of my torrential tears.
I stumbled over jagged rocks and grazed my heart so often,
Nothing could I find in that horrible place, for all the pain to soften!
But something deep inside of me, told me to NEVER, EVER GIVE UP!
And I fought to escape my torment, once I realized that I’d had enough!
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(9Aug06 – 4 months into my awakening therapy journey at the age of 49)
 
I also wrote this once and it is part of the important self-work that I need to remember and embrace at times like this

Visiting with my dear daughter and son-in-law and their dogs, and other family, and feeling their authenticating LOVE and acceptance has helped considerably... I LOVE my family so much and need their LOVE in return... and for the most part, I TRUST in their LOVE. 

WHAT A GIFT FAMILY IS TO MY LIFE ❤
 
No response needed... this is a deep underlying thing... deeper than explanation... deeper than most would understand...

I've been stuck here many times in my life, so, I DON'T need anyone to feel sorry for me here... that would only feed the victim side of me which is the LAST thing I need...
 
ONLY I can rise above these states of mind and I just need time to work my way back to "trusting in others and life again" each time this happens. 
 
Knowing I'm NOT alone really helps... and gratefully, I believe that I'm NOT alone here! 
 
Love to all who take the time to read my blog posts and to those who Like and comment also, regardless of whether I’ve written a happy or sad post… I really cherish and appreciate your presence here ❤ ❤ ❤
 
~ Panayiota

I’ve been meaning to post this since posting “Mom’s Funeral ~ Part 2” on the 12 December 2021.  If you didn’t read that one, you might want to go over it before reading this one.

At the back of the book that my mother had written in, which my son found when searching in a box of old papers for something he needed, is written, in my mother’s handwriting (photo above): 

Why? 

Please tell me, Lord, the answer to the question why
You put me on this earth, to live a little day, and then to die?
I was born into this world-the fruit of Love and Pain
And have lived in suffering and will, till ‘tis time to leave again.
Alone I came.  Alone I walked through life. Alone I will go.
And yet the purpose of it all I do not know.

~ Judith Petrou

On reading this, I understood… this says it all.  My heart ached for my mother in reading these words she wrote.  I have had so many questions since.  

• Did she discover something really meaningful for her life once she had moved to England many years ago?  She had left this book with me and photos and other stuff packed in a box when she left and she never came back for them.  
• I wonder, did she go to church regularly?  Did she have lovely friends there or elsewhere, that helped to give meaning to her life?
• Did she ever discover the true meaning and purpose of her life?
• Did she ever succeed in stopping smoking cigarettes?  I know she tried a few times and wanted to, but just couldn’t get that right.
• Did she have a little dog for company?
• Did she still leave beautiful flower gardens wherever she could?  
• Did she still hurt and destroy people and lie with well-orchestrated stories like she so often did throughout the part of her life that I knew her, up until when she left South Africa?
(I wish I could remember when she left… it was a long time ago).
• Did she live in one place, or did she still move so often? (such a restless soul that never seemed to be able to find peace anywhere)

Anyway, I’m so happy she moved to England in the end… I am told, that she had a lot of people attend her funeral, so, I want to be left with the feeling of her having been loved and cared for in her last days on earth.  For so many years, I wondered if she was all alone, or loved and cared for.  I want to believe the latter, because it helps to give closure to all those years of wondering and worrying for her.

I hope, that by the time she died, this poem she had once written, no longer applied. 

To end off, I’d like to share some Logotherapy quotes on the subject of meaning and purpose.  I hope that sharing these will help others who also might feel that they are living an empty life without any real sense of meaning and purpose: To find out more, and/or, to sign up for a life-changing Logotherapy study journey, please go to www.vfisa.co.za

“Logotherapy is an unwaveringly realistic and positive orientation toward life and toward personal and collective human destiny. According to Dr Viktor Frankl, no moment in life is devoid of meaning. The innate will to meaning eternally calls man to aspire toward the highest conscious values in every given circumstance. Logotherapy is a celebration of the divine spirit of man. Logotherapy is an affirmation of the transcendent as the call to authenticity resounding deep within human conscience.” ~ Haya Baker Winiarz

“Logotherapy is based on the premise that life has meaning under all circumstances.  With this life orientation, logotherapy directs our fundamental will to find meaning in life towards realising the unique values embedded not only in the opportunities, joys and challenges of life, but also in the pain and suffering.” (Shantall, 2003, p.3) ~ The Quest for Destiny 

“Logotherapy... focuses on the meaning of human existence as well as on man’s search for such meaning.” (Frankl, 2008, p. 104) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning 

“... the meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day and from hour to hour.  What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general but rather the specific meaning of a person’s life at a given moment.” (Frankl, 2008, p.113) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning
 
“One should not search for an abstract meaning of life.  Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life to carry out a concrete assignment which demands fulfillment.  Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated.  Thus, everyone’s task is as unique as is his specific opportunity to implement it.” (Frankl, 2008, p.113) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning

“As each situation in life presents a challenge to man and presents a problem for him to solve, the question of the meaning of life may actually be reversed. 
  Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognise that it is he who is asked.  In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.  Thus Logotherapy sees in responsibleness the very essence of human existence.” (Frankl, 2008, p.p. 113-114) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning

“Frankl (1970, p.50) contended that existence would falter unless there is “a strong idea” or a strong ideal or important values in life to hold on to.  Frankl referred here to Freud (1927, p. 113) who stated: “Men are strong as long as they stand for a strong idea.”  We need to feel that there is a goal to strive towards, or that there is something to live for, that life has a purpose.  We experience life as meaningful when we feel that we have a vocation in life, or a mission in life to fulfil.” (Shantall, 2002, p. 18) ~ Life’s Meaning in the Face of Suffering

There is much wisdom in the words of Nietzsche: "He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how." (Frankl, 2008, p. 109) ~ Man’s Search for Meaning

“Frankl (1967) contended that it is indispensable to mental well-being to experience the tension between how things are at the moment and what they could or should or promise to be like; to experience the tension between being and meaning, that is, “meanings to fulfil or values to realize.”” (Shantall, 2002, p. 19) ~ Life’s Meaning in the Face of Suffering

“Frankl maintains that, as human beings, we all have a will to meaning.  We all want something worthwhile and purposeful to live and work for; we all want to feel needed, called upon to carry responsibility for something or someone.  By exercising the unique responsibilities that life has entrusted to us, we feel a sense of moral integrity.  Our lives are serving a unique purpose.  We have a destined role to play and, in our own way, we are irreplaceable.  These are the things that endue our life with meaning and that we, deeply within ourselves, want to experience.” (Shantall, 2003, p. 37) ~ The Quest for Destiny 

“Frankl contends that our will to meaning is the distinguishing feature of our humanness and that it is deeper and more powerful than any other kind of motivation.  ‘It is a characteristic constituent of human existence that it transcends itself, that it reaches out for something other than itself’
(Frankl 1969:51)” (Shantall, 2003, p. 37) ~ The Quest for Destiny

“The basic tenet of logotherapy is that, as human beings, we have a will to meaning.  Having the capacity to think, to weigh up our lives, choose what we want to do with them and why, we are operating in a dimension not shared with any other earthly creature.  In reaching out beyond ourselves or a mere day-to-day existence we are transcending the levels of animalistic existence and enter into a uniquely human dimension.” (Shantall, 2003, p. 5) ~ The Quest for Destiny 

“Like iron filings in a magnetic field, man’s life is put in order through his orientation toward meaning.  Thereby a field of tension is established between what man is and what he ought to do.  In this field existential dynamics is operating.  By this dynamics man is pulled rather than pushed” (Frankl, 1968, p. 21) ~ Psychotherapy and Existentialism

“The deepest quest in all of our lives is for meaning.  To simply exist is not enough.  The struggle to live well is not enough either.  The quest for meaning is only satisfied and can only become an exhilarating force in our lives when we feel that our lives were destined to be.  We are here for a purpose.  We have an unique role to play.  We have an uniquely appointed place in life, one that cannot be filled by anybody else.  We are irreplaceable.  Only this conviction can remove feelings of unworthiness, envy, anger and despair.  We are not excluded but included in the deepest possible way.  Life needs us.” (Shantall, 2003, p. ix) ~ The Quest for Destiny 

“Something meaningful draws us out of ourselves – it enlarges our vision, enriches us and causes us to grow: to become bigger and better than we are.  Frankl quoted Goethe as saying: “If we take a man as he is, we make him worse; if we take him as he ought to be, we help him become it” (Shantall, 2002, p. 19) ~ Life’s Meaning in the Face of Suffering

“Frankl says: Despair is suffering without meaning.  If one could see a meaning in one’s suffering, there is no despair!” (Havenga Coetzer, 2003, p. 33) ~ Viktor Frankl’s Avenues to Meaning
 
“Our pain and sufferings are meant to awaken our spiritual aspirations.  Life is always asking us, “What are we meant to discover in any particular situation?”” ~ Henry Mason
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~ Panayiota