~ Posted 15 May 2016 ~
 
I had no intention of going on about Mother’s Day again and discussing the pain I experience around this time every year, but when Facebook insisted on posting (memories) of old Mother’s Day’s posts this year, I decided to save those old posts all in one post to share on my blog... and not even necessarily for anyone to read, but only because I feel a need to have them altogether and my blog is where I am able to pour out my deepest feelings... a place where I can at least imagine that someone out there will understand, identify and care, and hopefully for me to find some healing in the sharing.
 
(Slightly adapted to remove names, shorten and make more readable for this blog post, which is going to be quite lengthy regardless of what I do)
 
This year ~ 2016 ~ I wrote on my FB wall
 
Saturday May 7th 2016 - This year I had Mother's Day braai at my second son and his dear wife’s house with three of my six grandchildren and my daughter and son in law and youngest son all there to celebrate with me. We had such a relaxing, wonderful afternoon together and the food was delicious.
 
Sunday 8th May 2016 - Mother's Day at church today was extra super special for me. The speakers were absolutely amazing... truly beautiful and touching Mother's Day talks. 
 
Listening to the talks, I always have some deep mixed emotions because I never knew my own mother’s love.  
 
Then the little children sang... first a lovely Mother's Day song to their granny's.  I got big tears in my eyes as my grandchildren were looking at me with their sweet little faces... singing just for me... then they sang for their moms, but when I caught my one granddaughter still looking at me, her eyes still staring intently at me for approval of her singing to her mommy... oh dear... I cracked and the tears just flowed.
 
Then they came to sit down again and I had my first born grandchild sitting next to me... he had seen my tears and became so sweetly nurturing... massaging my shoulder... hahaa!... and put his little arm around my neck a few times patting or rubbing my back... and also played with my fingers as my hand was resting on his lap and my one granddaughter gave me the most precious card she had made just for me... toooooooo beautiful... I will treasure it forever... :) She wrote on the front... “From “A” to YY”... on the back... “I love you YY”... then inside she drew pretty pictures and hearts and wrote... “I love you YY you are the best. You are the friend I love a lot from “A”.
 
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh it doesn’t get any better than that :)
 
My other dear daughter in law sent me a beautiful Mother’s Day message and I spoke to my first born son in the evening before bed time which finished off my day so beautifully...
 
Talk about feeling the love.  It was a most lovely day!
 
1 Years Ago I wrote on my FB wall: ~ 10 May 2015
So, early this morning I receive a phone call with my grandchildren and family all singing "Happy YY Day to you”, in tune with the Happy Birthday song!!!... Haaahaaa! Then later, I'm sitting at church when in walks my second son and family... first I get the biggest hugs from my grandchildren and daughter in law, then my son on his way past to take his seats in the pew (in a hurry because they're a tad late) hands me a mug... As soon as I get a chance I read what's written on it... all over are little hearts and each person's names, but on one side as I read what was there I laughed out loud... my cheeky son... hahaaa! I had to stop looking at it, because I wanted to laugh every time I saw the words that were written on it! I always said that there were only two people in the world who could make me laugh from the seat of my soul, and that is my sister in Canada and my second son... :D! Take a look at what he wrote on the photograph attached... heeeheee!!!

MY FUNNY LOVE-MUG

Before I left church, my second son made sure to catch up with me and give me a big Mother's Day hug... and my three grandchildren sat with me at church which was so cool... lots of hugs and love and sweetness... what more could a mom and YY ask for :) ...I also got loads of hugs from the church children who had never came up to talk to me before, so that was also very precious and heart-warming to me.  Then a most lovey young man came to tell me he would like a list of all the broken things in my house as he was going to come help me fix up!  OH BOY!  DO I FEEL LOVED OR WHAT!  (He never did find a chance to come help though)
 
I do hope all my friends had a very special Mother's Day today too... and if you didn't please write to me so I can give you some of my love which is overflowing... don't let any mom go unloved today!  My own mom chooses to be unloved, because she has disowned my sister and I and there's nothing more we can do to ever know what true love from her would have been like... it was always denied us... it just wasn't to be... but we can and do pray for her with our love still... she can't deny us that and it’s the one thing she has absolutely no control over.

But any other mom out there who is not feeling loved today... I'm here to send you some of my love if you need... Inbox, Skype or e-mail (say which and I’ll send the address)... HUGS

 
2 Years Ago I wrote on my FB wall: ~ 12 May 2014
Mother's Day is always a bitter-sweet time for me... a time where it is hard to block out my own mother's hate of me... knowing that she hated me from before I was even born and even having pre-birth memories which showed up in therapy, of her attempt to abort me.
 
I tried to reach her love for the last time last year, but once again she rejected me and now I imagine a very old and bitter woman who will die someday... maybe soon, without her daughter's there for her, because she chose her life without us in it.
 
The deep sadness will never end in me... but the longings for her to love me have finally ended and I am free at last... I no longer have my lifelong childhood need to flog that dead horse!
 
Then there is my beloved Cypriot Greek mother (stepmother)... she passed away February 25th 2004.  When we were children, our visits to her on school holidays were like an oasis of true motherly love and peace for us.   She taught us so much and showed my sister and I what a good woman truly was (our little brother already lived with her, because my mother gave him to my dad after their divorce when he was still a baby). 
 
Because of our Greek mom, who I now miss terribly, we survived our childhood and grew up choosing to be nothing like our own mother.  My last memory of my Greek  mom was holding her soft hand as she took her last breaths... and for the first time in my life, (on a deeply spiritual level) I felt as though she was my true mother in that moment in time, sharing in her final moments in this world... totally accepted as her true daughter.
 
And then my sweet moments of Mother's Day. My grandchildren (my second son’s three), each speaking to me on the phone to wish me "Happy grandmother's day."  Then, a 5am breakfast in bed brought to me by my youngest son.  Then, a wonderful, happy (later) breakfast/brunch outing with my genuinely loving daughter and her lovely fiancé at the time. A truly beautiful and very meaningful sms from my beloved oldest son and a lovely sms also from my dear daughter in law (his wife).  Then finally, I received a phone call during the day and a late visit from my second son, just before bed time.  He bought brought me a packet of biltong and some loving words and HUGS.  His lovely wife gave me a happy “hello” call sometime during the day.
 
I don’t really enjoy days that mess with my emotions so much in so many ways. I was just so grateful to be out of this house with my daughter, son in law and youngest son during the morning. That truly was the highlight of my day and meant so much to my heart that they went the extra mile to spoil me with the outing and their company.
 
But once again, all the emotions of the day went directly to my feet (as if subconsciously my mind has found a way to STOP me in my tracks... prevent me from moving forward... etc.), and especially my right foot which throbbed and was on fire all night long! I will be on crutches once again today to keep the weight off of it... but hopefully it will heal quickly.  (if I remember right, at the time, I did not know that I was suffering from gout... which was in-fact triggered often at that time of my life, by my more emotional and stressed states) So... not much sleep once again and a tad depressed this morning! I don’t enjoy Mother’s Day much anymore... does anyone in the world understand that, I wonder? My happiest Mother's Days were those long gone days ago when my children were all with me in one place... but they have mostly all drifted too far away now for this mother’s heart to bear, and there is nothing I can do about it at all, because that’s not how life (my life) works and no longer my reality to have them close by.
 
And life goes on!  Back to my work today.  Loads to do.  Work will keep me out of mischief.  My work gives my life the meaning I need to keep on keeping on!  God bless you all and I hope your Mother’s Day was a most rewardingly beautiful one and very blessed.

COMMENTS - Here I will include some of my friend’s comments that I received at the time in response to the above post:

• From my beloved sister in law: Awww...my sweet sister.. I know and understand how you feel.  Mother’s Day is bitter sweet to me too...my mother brings the bitter part...I can't even fathom what people mean when they say their mother is their best friend or they miss their mothers etc., I promised myself that I would be the best mother I could be and I know I failed...but I do love my children very much.  I tried not to fail them. Oh well...maybe I can now try to be the best grandmother ever...hope I don't fail my grandchildren! 
• Pana:  Our Father in Heaven knows how hard we tried my dear sister.  I’m sure that in His eyes, we never failed at all.  He knows that we did our best under the circumstances of our lives with the only tools we had at the time. In the end, I know He will make it all right again someday and we will know the full joy intended for all mothers who do their best.  Bless you my sweet sister and I pray your grandchildren will know and truly value you as their beloved grandmother, just as I have grown to truly value you as my sister, friend and “mother” over all through these years that you have been given as a blessing to my life. 
• From friend 1:  I have the same. My mother left me as a toddler half way between one town and another. My father had to go and look for me when she arrived in Durban without me. I saw a program with Jane Fonda. She said in there... “... I instinctively knew from the moment I was born that my mother never loved me...”  When I heard that I realized how common it was.  Not all woman who give birth can naturally be called mothers, but they had to be there for us to enter the world.  Without them how else could we bless others with the talents and joys only we can.  It used to worry me terribly.  But now I am at peace with it. *hugs* 
• Pana:  Thank you for sharing dearest friend.  Another friend shared in my Inbox also... so yes... it is common and painfully so... but true also what you wrote and I would not change my life today for any other, because I am so grateful for where that life has brought me to and that I can bless others.  Nope, I wouldn't change a thing if it would mean losing all that I have learnt.  Bless you dearest friend. 
• Pana - To friend-1 and my sister: I know you struggled all your life with the longings for your mother's love as I did... I personally believe we have a Mother in Heaven who will make up for it all when we eventually get there... it keeps me going to believe She exists and is waiting with open arms for Her lost girls to come Home... I long for Her loving Motherly hug. 
• From friend-2: WOW!!!!! I am in tears reading this today, I wish I could give you the love I have shared with my mother over the 58 years I have been on this earth, we may not have always seen eye to eye, but never have I doubted her unconditional love for me. I have been so blessed to know a mothers love and in turn to pass it on to my children and hopefully they will pass it on to theirs. I have grown to love and admire you beautiful ladies through your comments, your laughter, your doubts, your fears, your love and support, I can truly say your Mothers have really missed the brightest gem in the treasures they were blessed with. May you all feel of my love and Our Heavenly Fathers love every day, and never for one single moment forget that ...... YOU are a Daughter of a King so Walk Tall and just remember how beautiful and special you are in His eyes and mine. Love and hugs to you all from a friend who really cares xxx 
• Pana:  I truly do have the best friends in the world. I treasure your kind and loving words from the heart that are always so healing and help me to know that I am never alone. Proof to me that we are never abandoned by Heaven no matter what. I'm also so glad I was born and that I survived my mom's pregnancy, my childhood and the abusers in my adulthood to find this day where I can see clearly, that such love, acceptance and goodness does exist in this world... and especially in my FB world at this time. And yes, I wouldn't have gotten through this Mother's Day if it wasn't for those sweet moments spent with each of my children and their messages of love. I would have loved to have had them all closer for the day, but I have learned to take whatever good comes to me in this life of mine and to cherish it for all it is worth... for the GIFT from “Life” that it is no matter how big or how small.
  
  I truly feel I cannot exist without my children to love and my children's love for me, it is that which I cherish most and every moment still given to me of them is such a joy to my soul. I think I still suffer a lot from “empty nest syndrome” though and that's what makes my Mother's Day extra hard also... I will share some poems, but don't read if you feel they will make you sad. My intention in sharing is not to make people sad, but rather to open a door where others can feel free to speak openly also about what really hurts... others who know and understand the craziness of such deep emotions and how difficult and devastating they can be... that's why my work keeps me going... one cannot live without having something bigger than just their “weaker-self” to live for.
  
  So often when one tries to share such feelings with others, we are shot down for being negative, or sensitive, and they are judged and persecuted by those who have never known what we know or what we feel. They haven’t got a clue as to how tortured a person can actually be by their own damaged emotions where turmoil so often reigns.
  
  So this is once again a long post, but it’s given only to the select few who KNOW and want to share... or those who don’t mind knowing and who really care. God be with each one of us always... Genuine HUGS and LOVE from me. 

 
THE GROWN UP SEA!
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za

How I’m craving for those loving hugs again
The way they used to be,
It seems as though we’re drifting apart
On the currents of the ‘Grown Up Sea’.
I frantically reach to pull you back,
But it’s never quite the same,
For the winds of change keep blowing
And they’re too strong for me to tame.
Where are my little babies
Who used to sail willingly with me?
I felt so loved and needed then,
My nurturing heart sailed free.
But now I’m bound by the troubled tides,
For my babies are no longer small,
A mother’s song upon the breeze
Blows the waves that call for more.
How I long to hold my babies once more
Upon that gently rocking sea,
Being your mother was a glorious ship,
Designed especially for me.
But to see you drifting further each day
Has caused my dream ship to fade,
And the storm is beating mightily,
Upon the raft where I’m now laid.

~ Pana
(12 June 2002)
 
A MOTHER’S SOUL GRIEVES!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za

It was so easy to find my joy then,
In the lovely happy faces of my babies,
It took so little effort to create their smiles,
To greatly broaden my own!

What joy it was to hear their laughter,
To see their little faces break into joyous delight,
(Just like watching a beautiful sunrise on a fresh spring morning,
Camping, carefree in a peaceful and heavenly place.)

How joyful it was to my soul to be needed so much,
To be called on so often to give of my love.
How wonderful it was to be so loved!
I felt so fulfilled and happy then.

How much strength they gave to my heart,
And desire they gave to my life,
How I long for my little ones now,
But, my babies have grown…

And a mother’s soul grieves!

~ Pana
(29 August 2004)
 
These poems below were written at a time when my own mother was back in my life for a while and was once again hurting me terribly by her cruel manipulations and words. I have many poems written around the same time of how much she was hurting me and will include just two here... I know that I sometimes repeat poems that are already in previous blog post so please excuse if you see any more than once:
 
MOTHER, WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO?
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za

What part of your mask is really ‘you’ mom,
What part can I trust?
What part is true?
Is there anything at all about you,
That I can believe in today?
That I can hold onto,
So I can say one day with joy,
‘I HAD A REAL MOM’!

What good things can I truly say about you
When day is done?
Please mom, just give me some!
Don’t curse my life forever, without you!
Don’t leave only bitter memories,
That keep me feeling blue!
Hear the child within me,
Still crying out for your love!
Accept her reaching arms,
For she will forever need ‘her mom’.

Don’t deny her the joy,
Or the comfort she’s always longed for,
Don’t keep destroying the dreams she’s dreamed.
NO MORE OF YOUR MANIPULATIONS!
NO MORE OF YOUR GAMES!

Why do you hate me so?
Oh, Mother!
WHY?

~ Pana
(14 September 2004)
 
My mother was also seriously abused as a child and I tried to explain that in the following poem.  Child abuse is a terrible, TERRIBLE thing and each one of us needs to stand up against it please to prevent such pain and suffering in this world, but also to prevent our own abused childhoods from continuing to haunt, consume and hurt our present and future lives.

MOTHER - IT COULD HAVE BEEN WONDERFUL!
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za

Why do you hurt me so? Why won’t you ever give up?
Why do you hate me so much, and drink from your own bitter cup?
Why do you twist all my truths and cause lies to strengthen your will?
When will you ever give up your useless fight? When will you have your fill?
Why do you so need to possess everything that I love?
Why must you own and control all? When will it ever be enough?
Why can’t you just love me, your daughter, and accept me for who ‘I’ am?
Why do you want all that I have? For you, life’s just a taking game!
You cannot be ‘me’ or have my life! You cannot control my destiny!
You have to live in your own life! Oh mother… why can’t you see?
You’re a bottomless pit of lost hope that can never be filled - no matter what!
Mother you’ll always be empty, even if I gave my whole lot!
How deep are the dungeons of your life? How dark and lonely your pit?
Where does your damaged child hide there? Where in you, alone does she sit?
If the whole world threw in all of its love and every rich jewel, you were given
You still could never be filled, and you’d still need more to believe in!
Your fight would never be over! Your pain would never be gone!
No light could ever reach your lost child, where once pure, sweet innocence shone!
Abuse destroyed your faith; it crushed your dreams and your hope!
Forever alone in your dungeon, you will burn everything your lost child tries to grope!
You’ll never be able to trust in any true gift given to you
Because revenge is your loyal master and bitterness keeps on eating at you!
Your child is so lost and afraid! Your emptiness, so vast and so cold!
Your dungeon is so deep and dark, because all your true gifts have been sold!
You sold them for lies and deception! You manipulated and twisted them sore!
You threw them away like filthy trash and then you burned them to their core!
If only you could have accepted your precious gifts, you could have used them to build a ladder of hope
Friendship could have knocked down those bitter walls and joy could have sent down a rope
Love could have lit up your dungeon so brightly, that your child could finally see
And mother, it could have been wonderful, because at last, you might have loved me!

~Pana
(1 January 2003)
 
 
3 Years Ago I wrote on my FB wall: ~ 14 May 2013
I sent my mom a Happy Mother's Day message of genuine love. I have been sending her a note from time to time just to let her know I'm thinking of her... so this Mother's Day here in SA (2013) I did the same and sent her a message of love. Yesterday she wrote back all but telling me to F-off...
 
So folks... it's over! My lifelong quest for my mother's love is over at last. She has chosen to reject my love once again and this time... at last, I will respect her wishes and never try again...
 
No more guilt for being her “BAD child”... for never been able to make her happy or for never feeling her love, since before I was even born when I believe that she tried to abort me! No more trying to win her love... IT'S OVER! At last... it's over! Her bitter heart will NEVER be able to forgive me for “living” and she will NEVER be able to let me in...
 
I will still keep her in my prayers... I cannot hate her... but she WINS... she has succeeded in making me feel the power of her rejection and hate for me once again... she WINS... she always had to WIN and has even rejected my sister, and so it's her choice to live without the love of her daughters forever...
 
I am so grateful for my beloved Greek mom I had when I was growing up, who showed me what a Loving Mother should have been and was. Who showed me what a "Good Woman" should be so that I could grow up with “a better chance at life”. Thank Heavens for her in my life or I am sure I would not be where I am today... alive... moving forward... transcending what might have been to become who I should have been right from the start.
 
I AM FREE AT LAST... I am no longer my mother's useless idiot!  I AM PANAYIOTA – “A SOMEBODY”... I am good enough and worthy of the life I now have... and the love that comes into it each and every day from my friends and family... even strangers here on Facebook who I have never met... God bless you all.  I am grateful for His Mercy and Grace in never abandoning me to such sadness as I am experiencing right now... LOVE YOU ALL!

 
4 years ago I wrote on my FB wall: ~ May 15th 2012
Hello all my dear friends... I have just arrived back today... exhausted from a really uncomfortable plane ride and hardly any sleep overnight... so I need to go to bed now... but just to let you know that I had the most amazing time imaginable... it was out of this world... totally Heavenly and wonderful!!! Will catch up with you all later sometime... Love and hugs to you all!
 
I had been invited to Israel by our Logotherapy course director on merit of my Logotherapy Advanced course work.  I spent a glorious two week holiday with her, her family and the most wonderful friends.  Mother’s day came and went while I was there and my children phoned me with their love which was great.  I did not have any pain or thoughts of my own mother while I was away.  She was totally unable to hurt me there in Israel.  My course director and the friends I met there had been so kind and loving and even motherly to me while I was with them, that I experienced pure bliss... the perfect state of mind and joy... I shall never forget that wonderful holiday ever.
 

(Recorded today 15May16) ~ 5-6 years ago ~ 2010-2011 – on an deeply vivid emotional level, my therapist had become “my mother”
 
These years, especially 2010 are mostly a blur of genuine suffering... in 2010.  The transference in therapy which had begun many months before, even as much as 2 years before, where I had started to see my therapist as my mother... first my beloved Greek mother... loving and kind, but later my own mother... controlling and abusive. 
 
The transference and countertransference created havoc in our relationship.  My therapist had started to want to control me in her relentless need to force her religion on me with her fire and brimstone attacks which scared me and put me back into that once awful state in my childhood... living with my mother.  Once again, I had started seeing my own mother’s angry face screaming into my tear-filled eyes, telling me how useless I was, because I did not match up to her ideals of what and who she expected me to be to fit her high standards.  It was a devastatingly soul-destroying time for me.
 
I became a “NOTHING” once again, and this time in the presence of my therapist... the very person who had previously succeeded in gaining all my trust and promised me that she’d “always be there for me no matter what”. 
 
She had instead proved conclusively to me that I could never fully trust again, anything or anybody in this world.
 
My will was to end my own life where all hope seemed completely lost at the time.  The agony I was experiencing was so overwhelming that I began to self-injure in an effort to wipe out the all-consuming emotional pain... as opposed to wiping out myself!  The urge to hurt myself was so intense that to me it felt very much like what I’d imagine it would be like for an addict desperately craving the next drug-hit... so it was for me... an overwhelming urge to hurt myself over and over and finding great relief in doing it each time.   
 
Thankfully I was somehow, finally able to walk away from the horrors of our crumbling therapeutic relationship... how I did it I will never know, because I was already so deeply enmeshed with my therapist in an emotional, mother (my mother) / child bond, due to the transference and counter-transference that had occurred between us.  All I did know... or truly believed, was that my sanity was in great jeopardy and that if I did not make the break when I did, I would have ended up in “Tara”... the place she kept threatening to send me during some of her angry attacks towards the end of my time in therapy, because she literally hated me by then for not converting to “her religion”.  In my heart, I felt that I (Patty) had become to her... “the devil’s child”... that’s how she made me feel, over and over and over again!
 
I was in danger and I knew it in my heart and somehow I made a choice to save my own life from what I perceived to be a real threat to my emotional integrity...
 
It was the most painful, loneliest and hardest decision I could ever remember making and I had NOBODY to help me through it... I was entirely on my own, with ONLY my Advanced course Logotherapy studies which I stared about a month after I had “fired my therapist” (the day I walked out of her practice for the last time)  from my life forever in a last ditch effort to preserve what was left of my failing existence.
 
Logotherapy ultimately proved to be the greatest power and strength that I have ever needed, to pull me through from my downward spiralling road to death... to instead, “choosing LIFE!” 
 
I literally owe my life today and my amazing growth to my incredible “Logotherapy journey” for which I am and will be forever grateful.
 
~ Pana

~ Posted 11 May 16 ~

That’s how it’s always been - We keep on hurting until the lifesaving “NUMBNESS” returns again and leaves “THE NOTHING” so that our own lives can continue without the painful reminders of our past...

A hard lesson we had to learn with our mother and one that took us most of our lives to master.

We forgave and forgave until she left us with nothing to hope in anymore... we were hurt one time too much after many times of hurting... and then our hearts just quietly shut down to the hope of ever knowing our mother's true love... it was just never to be... but still, we cannot hate her for all she did and continues to do to “get back at her world” with her “I’ll hurt you before you hurt me” choice of functioning and dealing with her own painful past that still haunts her present...
 
She too was a seriously abused child and still has her own inner-child of extreme turmoil over her own childhood sufferings, screaming and screaming inside of her... the hopeless, endless scream of the abused child.

Still... this is no excuse for continually hurting others... especially those who she is supposed to love and those who would love her still if only she would stop being such a threat to them and a constant reminder of what destruction she's capable of, especially if we try anymore to let ourselves get too close to her... A futile struggle that we have finally been released of because, her rejection which has always cut like a knife has finally won over our desperate fight for her love...
 
But those who she still allows to get close to her will never believe a shred of this... and so the judgement against us never ends... and her abuse continues through “them”.
 
It is what it is... and life must go on...
 
~ Pana
 
Some Logotherapy Quotes

 
~ Posted 11 May 2016 ~
 
BITTERNESS – THAT HEAVY BEAST!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za

Bitterness, that heavy beast that sits upon my back,
Trying to destroy my strength with every heartless attack!
Whip in hand he beats me sore, ‘till I’m weak upon the ground,
Then tries to drag me to his way, his hope to have me crowned!
Bitterness crowned upon my head, the weight of it so sore,
I cry out in my desperate plight, “Leave me! No more! No more!”
I will not take on that awful crown; I must get up again,
For bitterness keeps on striking me, taking advantage of all my pain!
Get up! Go on! Do not give up! Try and try again!
For bitterness will not crown me, or join me to his reign!
I’ll never give in to trial; I’ll keep searching for peace where I can,
No matter how hard I’m beaten, I know my God has a Plan.
I’ll keep my trust upon His Word, though this struggle is so great,
Bitterness will have no power and I’ll stand true at Heaven’s Gate.

~ Pana
(21 February 2003)

~ Posted 08 May 2016 ~
 
FRAGILE VASE
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
Who can she trust with her feelings now
Fragile, cracked and worn
Some only see what they want to see
On the surface, no spirit torn
But to look deep into the open wounds
And see the cracks inside
Is to know the vase is fragile
Full of pain, she tries to hide
So many bumps to destroy her
Sometimes thrown to the ground
But not a bruise on her shiny surface
Have those who've viewed her found
For she hides them on the inside
In a lonely prison cell
And only those who love her true
Can visit, and can tell
Her inner strength has kept her
From falling all apart
And a greater strength has sustained her
A kind and loving heart

~ Pana
(5th December 1998)

~ Posted 05 May 2016 ~
 
Another picture quote posted by a friend on Facebook today which inspired the following:
 
Facing this very week with my mother's vengeful and hurtful games once again!
Manipulating and using her puppets to do her “dirty work” again, knowing full well the effects of her actions and loving every minute of "the game" (I’ve seen her playing such games all through my life)... Even in her 70's she still can't let go of her relentless need to "get back at the world" for the suffering she knew as an abused child.  You’d think that in her 70's, she’d want to leave this world with some shred of integrity and dignity... but no chance... NOT HER!!!  She would never allow herself to give her children, her frail 85 year old ex and those others she hates so much at least “her last years in peace”.
 
I once wrote while I still had hope:
 
MOTHER, WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO?
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
What part of your mask is really ‘you’ mom,
What part can I trust?
What part is true?
Is there anything about you at all,
That I can believe in today?
That I can hold onto,
So I can say one day with joy,
‘I HAD A REAL MOM’!
 
What good things can I truly say about you
When day is done?
Please mom, just give me some!
Don’t curse my life forever, without you!
Don’t leave only bitter memories,
That keep me feeling blue!
Hear the child within me,
Still crying out for your love!
Accept her reaching arms,
For she will forever need ‘her mom’.
 
Don’t deny her the joy,
Or the comfort she’s always longed for,
Don’t keep destroying the dreams she’s dreamed.
NO MORE OF YOUR MANIPULATIONS!
NO MORE OF YOUR GAMES!
 
Why do you hate me so?
Oh, Mother!
WHY?
 
(14 September 2004)
 
I don’t have hope anymore! In my 50’s I finally grew past hoping to find her love when she rejected me for the last time in 2013.
 
But I have learned that it's no good trying to convince anyone who doesn’t know her like we know her with "our side of the story as we lived it, suffered it and continue to live and suffer it"... they wouldn't believe us anyway!   
 
She’s far too clever for that... far... far too clever!
 
It was the same with my therapist who hurt me so much... nobody believed me about the abuse she inflicted on me during therapy with her constant and forceful need to push her religion on me... trapping me in corners of her practice and overpowering me with her determined task of insisting I'd go straight to the burning fires of hell if I did not convert from my religion to hers... (the therapist is “ALWAYS” right!!!)... I was once again SILENCED just as I was by my mother when I was a child... just as I still am now...
 
My therapist turned into my mother!!!  I felt the same intense disappointments and fears as I did when I was a child, and when my mother succeeds in hurting me today with her never-ending games, my mind immediately links also with the hurt that my therapist inflicted on me... they are one and the same...
 
But WHO cares... NOBODY!

NOBODY heard me when I was a child... and nobody heard me when I started to "self-injure" as a result of what my therapist was doing to me...

“THEY” got away with what they did and they are still getting away with it!

They have no idea how much they have fuelled the fire in me (the defiant power of my human spirit) to continue to move forward with my own integrity and dignity... my own grace and patience... my own determination to prove that I was never who they accused me of being with their lies...
 
TO MOVE FORWARD WITH MY LOVE INTACT... refusing to hate, even them... because if I did... I would have become like them...
 
I will NEVER let that happen!

Some people will forever never believe in me because of "them"... but it's ok... I'm past that reality now...

I know who I am... I am a good person and I have a God who I know loves me and KNOWS the truth... and that's enough!
 
To all those who have ever believed in me unconditionally, without me ever having to convince them with manipulations and lies like my mother’s and therapist’s... thank you so much. 
 
YOU ARE THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS
 
With Gratitude and Love beyond words...
 
~ Pana
 
Following:  a sad poem written by my sister (11 months younger than I), when she finally realised that her lifelong longing for our mother’s love was totally futile... (posted with permission).
 
MY SOUL CRIES OUT IN SORROW
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My soul cries out in sorrow,
Tears fall from its very core
The loss of love from a mother
A woman I will always adore.
 
My heart cries out for you mom,
You have missed out on my life
The times of good and sorrow
Your rejection cuts like a knife
 
But I will go on praying for you
I will ask my dear Lord Jesus
To always be there beside you
And to constantly guide you through
 
As I move into my middle age
I look back to my past
And as I turn each fragile page
I know my destiny is cast
 
No loving mom to cuddle me
To share my secret hurts
No future vision do I see
A great loss, a misery.
 
(7 July 2000)
 
My mother hated our brother also... she had nothing to do with him when he was alive, because of his homosexuality and she caused him nothing but heartache also with her cruel rejection. 

Her children never knew their mother’s love.

~ Posted: 1 May 2016 ~
 
A friend posted this picture quote above on Facebook today from the Vince Zangaro‎Alzheimer's Music Fest Support Team page.  It triggered a sad memory for me...
 
The more loving, gentle and patient we can be with these dear old folk the easier it is for not only us, but for them also <3 <3 <3

I did everything in my power to help my beloved old friend, but no one would believe me because she could no longer talk and her abusive son held too much power in his high position in the community at the time and made many threats against anyone who tried to upset him in any way so everyone was afraid of him (I can only imagine how terrified his own mother, trapped in the house with him, was of him).  

I even phoned an abuse centre for the aged and they said that there was nothing they could do unless the abused woman reported her abuse herself..... !!!....They did not seem to hear or understand that she had dementia... they would not help me to help her!  Other people knew what she was going through but would not join me in the battle to help her.

In a last ditch effort, I had this poem published in the local newspapers, so that he knew that he was being closely watched!  

I had to receive therapy myself because I was so hurt by my futile struggle to help this old woman.  Her son could not accept her dementia and treated her cruelly because of it!  She was free at last when she passed away and soon after he also died a painful death...
 
What goes around comes around!

BELOVED ABUSED!
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Once a confident, happy old lady; head held up high,
Now I see tears in each reddened eye!
Your strengths and your womanhood beaten from your mind,
By someone so cruel, so horrid, unkind!
In the jaws of abuse your dignities lost,
Your honour and pride, in the garbage are tossed!
Your memories blackened by the power of ‘ONE!’
Those who once knew you, now are GONE!
But you live bravely on, in that shrivelled, empty shell,
Where you can no longer reach out, for someone to tell.
The beauty of your smile, now lost in a frown,
Misery and fear has become your sad crown.
I long for God’s arms to reach out for you,
And return the love and peace you once knew.
To heal all your bruises and the pain in your heart,
To renew your life in a wonderful new start.
For no one deserves the abuses you’ve born,
Alone in the darkness where you’re battered and torn!
 
(13 February 2007 – For my Dearest old friend, Maureen, with love forever)

~ Pana