​Sometime during the last week, I discovered to my horror that my driving licence had expired in December 2016.  I went into an instant panic… absolute fear took over.  How could I have not seen that it had expired for so long… I’ve been working so hard and time goes by so fast these days…
 
But NO EXCUSES for letting that happen! 
 
Oh, my goodness me, it was too much to think about… Am I going to be in trouble? Will they charge me a huge fine?  Will they make me take my driving test again?... and so many other very scary thoughts rummaged through my mind over a short period of time.
 
I needed to tell someone, because I needed comforting reassurance urgently, but living without trust, I was too scared to “put it out there”.
 
As a child growing up, we could not get away with anything… nothing was sacred for us.  Mother caught us out for the slightest misdeed, and even blamed us for things we never even did.  We were always being “caught out” and beaten for anything and everything.  Like she thrived on nagging us and beating us… that’s what she fuelled herself on! 
 
WHY MOMMY… WHY?
 
So now, that inner part of me… Patty… as mother used to call me when I was little, has become afraid of so much… anything and everything that could mean “I’ve failed someone or something” … and which could possibly mean “BIG trouble for me”.
 
She was always watching “over our shoulders” … even reading our diaries and beating us for whatever personal entry she didn’t approve of, so I remember how I used to change the name and gender of whoever I was writing about (me), so that she wouldn’t know it was me.  I’d try to hide stuff, but she’d always find it… and there’d always be another beating around every “next corner”
 
In “The Terrible Dream”… which is a breakdown I wrote about my (adult survivor of childhood abuse) daydream world, it shows clearly how “mother was everywhere”… she had made herself our god… we had to jump and run and bow to her every command and wish… we were not allowed to own our own personalities… if she cried, we had to be sad too… when she laughed, we had to laugh too, even if she’d just beaten us and a visitor arrived unexpectedly!  We were not allowed to own our own emotions… IT WAS ALL ABOUT HER and we knew it and learned to obey without hesitation, or another beating would be assured… and we knew that too… one look from her… “THE LOOK”… and we KNEW! 
 
(So, today, I’ve become skilled in going through an entire social gathering with a smile on my face and laughter in my voice, and nobody there will know, that I’m actually drowning inside with anxiety, fear or tears over something… I’ve learned to switch off my own true emotions for a time, to fit with the situation I’m in at that moment in time… [Fake it until you make it a student once told me… and it’s been working for me]… only… among my Logotherapy family, I’ve been pretty much “free to be me”… and that’s why I have thrived among them all… no judgement… only one or two who have made me feel bad, but in general, my Logotherapy family ARE The Rare and The Beautiful in my life… my whole life has changed for the better, since I turned 50, because of them… and a few other rare and beautiful in my life who totally accept me in my true authenticity… exactly as I am, warts and all!  I don’t have to be someone else for them… like I HAD TO BE for mother… and that’s why they are the ones who have helped me to thrive and heal so well)
 
So, who could I tell about my expired driving licence… what if the wrong person saw what I’d shared and reported me?  I honestly felt as though I was going to be IN BIG TROUBLE! 
 
Brewing over my dilemma, with the fear of certain doom overtaking me, I soon found myself reaching out to some of my trusted rare and beautiful via WhatsApp… and as I felt more comforted and reassured by their responses (that I was not alone… feeling safer and protected by their understanding) … just having been able to share with them… to unload my burden... I was then also able to share with my Facebook friends and family… and their responses were very much soothing for my troubled mind also. 
 
The fear gradually subsided and a more emotionally mature… or wise concern for my dilemma remained.  I had let my licence expire… it was my responsibility to make sure that didn’t happen.  I still didn’t know what would happen at the licensing department, but I was ready to face it and allow it to happen… without allowing myself to crumble at the mere through of “what might be” anymore.
 
What might be… is not yet… so why panic over it and imagine the worst… I could do this, because I had the backing of “my rare and beautiful” lifting me above my own destructive imaginings… I could do this.
 
EXPENSIVE SHOCK!
So… on Thursday the 22nd, I had an optometrist appointment… my very first since I went onto a medical aid last year.  Having not been on a medical aid for years, I was under the illusion that I would not be paying for my medical needs anymore…
 
Was I in for a nasty surprise!
 
So, in I go… have my eye test done… the optometrist asks if I’d like the photo grey added… “Yes please!” I nearly forgot to ask her about that… the sunlight really hurts my eyes… so I was happy that she reminded me about that!  Must be part of the whole medical aid thing I thought… surely.  I didn’t even think about asking if it would cost me anything… it didn’t even cross my mind that I’d end up paying a fortune for it all! 
 
After the test, I was called to the counter and shown on a piece of paper… “This is medical aid’s portion, and this you must pay.” … R1912…
 
I NEARLY FAINTED! 
 
Surely, they could have asked me before I went in, if I was prepared to pay a possible certain amount… to let me know that here would be such a huge shortfall.  In my mind anyway, prescription glasses still cost around R2000 at the most, so this shortfall amount was just beyond me… what a horrible and expensive shock! 
 
They said I could pay off, but I will NEVER do debit if I can help it… so needed to borrow money to pay the fee… and that money I will need to replace at the end of the month when my son and I receive our salaries… which already means we will start the month off short…
 
DONATION PLEA
We need help please.  Can anyone assist with a donation.  My car is also in need of an expensive part… I’m not sure yet how much, but it could run into the R1000’s… my son in law is going to find out for me… he’s in the process of a house move right now, so can’t do much at the moment, but after working on my car recently to find out why it’s jerking as if it has a timing problem (which he says it isn’t) and cleaning up some parts (which definitely made some difference for the better running of the car… he feels that it might be the air flow valve that he replaced some months ago… Nissan wanted something ridiculous like R6000-R8000 for that part (I can’t remember exactly how much)… my son in law, knowing we would not be able to afford that, was able to find a cheaper new part to help us, but now feels that it could be the cause of the problem as that airflow is more than likely not working as it should with the cheaper part.
 
This month, we had so many expenses which has not only left us with nothing to survive on again, but also already owing back and therefor facing another month short… next month. 
 
Extra expenses this month:
Car repair:  R900
Fridge repair: R1200
Municipality: R2500 (about R600 more than usual)
Roof insurance at our complex: R130,50
Driving licence and temporary licence R300
My son who is not on a medical aid, had a tooth extraction done by my dentist, for just over R600, but my sister had left him some money when she visited recently, so that paid for his treatment.  He still has two more teeth in need of help, but we can’t afford those right now.
 
And all that above is on top of our usual expenses which already put a huge strain on us each month.
 
I’m not for one minute saying we don’t get paid enough.  We do get paid enough for the jobs we do, but we are still struggling due to the high cost of living and unexpected extras and needs like with what we have been bombarded with this month.  I could be earning more if I went back to nursing for instance, but I love the job I’m doing now which gives my life so much meaning and a reason to go on.  It is the heart and soul of my living and I wouldn’t give it up unless I had absolutely no other option… hence this plea.
 
It’s no longer about converting my bathroom from bath to shower, to help me in times of acute gout attacks… now it is just so that we can get through each month, have a car that runs and more important daily necessities, please.





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​I wonder… I honestly don’t think I would have gone for new prescription glasses had I have known how much they expected from me.  I would have spent the rest of my life just buying reading glasses from the chemist rather… or wearing two pairs of glasses on top of each other to read, which I have been doing for a few months now. 
 
For ages, I’ve been wearing the prescription glasses that my dear friends Lawrence and Danila had blessed me with repeatedly over the years for which I will forever be grateful to them, but when they left for England a while back, they left me with two pairs of updated prescription glasses to make sure I wouldn’t be without again for a long time… so generous and loving and kind they were… I’m sure that wherever they are now, they are still blessing someone, somewhere as they did me. 
 
Their prescription glasses helped me with distance and reading… but I discovered I still needed a third sight help for computer, so have been wearing my Greek stepmother’s glasses which I found in her old bag that my sister gave me… they have worked well for the computer and been such a blessing also.  Ma passed away in 2004.
 
My new bi-focal glasses will be designed for distance and computer… I might be able to read with them also… will wait to find out… but if not, then I will buy shop bought glasses for reading.  I spend most of my hours on computer, so that’s my most important need for now… and distance, for driving, etc.
 
I was told that my distance sight has deteriorated somewhat, but in fitting with aging… there has been no diabetic degeneration changes, which means that my changed diet has made so much difference since Lawrence told me in 2012 that I must have diabetes… and subsequent blood sugar tests proved him right. 
 
Diet lifestyle change is the best thing I ever did for myself… it is as if I don’t have diabetes anymore… no more high blood pressure… no more water retention… no more pills!!!  And I’ve lost 52kgs in the process… never been healthier…
 
I want to shout out to the world… “We can take care of our own health needs, if we are willing to make the necessary changes for the sake of our health” … I STILL NEED TO ADD exercise TO MY HEALTH CHANGES…!  I have no excuses not to… but I struggle in this area… always too busy… and don’t like to leave my home… STILL FINDING EXCUSES… I seriously need to do something about that and find a way to make that lifestyle change for the sake of further improving my health status! 
 
BACK TO THE DRIVING LICENCE…
After the visit to the optometrist and obtaining an eye-test certificate from her, my youngest son and I drove to the traffic department for me to sort out my driving licence.  When we arrived, the queue was from one end of the long corridor room to the next… well over 50 people sitting there I’m sure.  At each end of this room which I describe as a tunnel, there was an open door with the iciest wind blowing through… we were freezing and even hurting while we waited for “our turn”.    
 
It was one of those odd overcasts, wintery days in summer!
 
Every half an hour or so, three people were called through to some rooms where their eyes were tested, thumb prints taken, etc. to be issued with new driving licences. As each three got up to go in, so the entire line of people had to shift up making room for late arrivals who were standing by one door waiting for a seat.  The whole process from one end of the long tunnel to the other in the queue took around 4 hours… it was exhausting to say the least. 
 
Eventually, I had arrived on the bench at the middle of the tunnel, sitting with my red shopping bag on my lap, using it to try and stay warm.  Thank goodness it was there, because next thing… SPLAT!... my bag was suddenly covered in fresh bird’s poop and I was horrified!  What a stink!
 
(I JUST KNOW THAT SOME OF YOU ARE LAUGHING RIGHT NOW!)
 
My immediate reaction was to shout out… “SIS!”… which caused everyone in the long line on the bench on either side of me to look in my direction... and while they were still trying to work out what happened, I was looking up and as I saw the bird, I shouted, “Hey!”…
 
Well… as it sunk in for all the others, there was an instant outburst of ruckus laughter that rippled loudly through the tunnel… and when I opened my stinky bag to take out a toilet roll and a bag of wet wipes, they laughed even louder…
 
One man shouted, gurgling with laughter, “She brought her supplies with!”, while another exclaimed, “Thank goodness for the last three people who went in, if it wasn’t for them I would have been sitting right there!”… Even more laughter from everyone in the room! 
 
Using the toilet paper, I scraped up the poop and used the wet wipes to wash the stains and stink off of my bag.  Then I used even more wet wipes to wash my hands, and my arms and neck where I felt the fine spray that happened when the poop landed… I threw the mountain of used toilet paper and wet wipes into a bin on the other side of the tunnel, just opposite to where I was sitting.
 
I FELT SO DIRTY!  I really just wanted to go home and bath to get it all off!
 
The bird eventually flew away and I’m sure it was very pleased with it’s fine aiming success!  Oh, my giddy aunt… if I had have been sitting forward at the time, that would have landed on my head!  EEEEEW!  Thank goodness for the bag! 
 
Well, whatever happens, the entire line of people who had been sitting mostly quietly for so long, suddenly came alive and everyone was now talking to their neighbours. I was sitting next to a lady maybe older than myself and we ended up being great friends. Theresa was her name.  I exchanged details with her and hopefully we will meet again.  She was lovely and we got on so well for those few remaining precious moments together. 
 
My son had gone to buy water and something for us to eat when the whole bird poop incident happened, so he missed the fun, but still had a jolly good laugh when I told him about it afterwards.
 
Eventually my son and I made it to the end of the tunnel and were called in… all my worries about what would happen to me as a result of my long-expired driving licence were such a waste of energy.  The lady who saw to me was so very quick and efficient.  She never even asked me for my old driving licence… within minutes, I was out of there and paid R300 for the licence renewal and temporary licence which I must use until my new one arrives.
 
People say that if a bird poops on you it’s a sure sign of “good luck”… but as I don’t believe in luck, I would rather say that I left there feeling very blessed.  Not only did all go well with the licence, but I made a lovely new friend and the bird poop incident broke the ice in the tunnel and people went home happier than they might have been otherwise.
 
All in all, it was a beautiful day!
 
Thank you for sharing with me once more.  I still have so much to write... but still so little time... can't wait to catch up here... 
 
~ Panayiota

So, with my middle sister, Shev’s visit not turning out exactly the way I (my inner child me) had dreamed it would, before she arrived (longing to spend real time with her again… to laugh and play in a carefree way… and relaxing, fun three-sisters-together time… Shev was going to help me arrange my brand new hobby room… maybe even help me paint and decorate my new magical door to my hobby room… maybe even help me make a key out of my collection of keys which I have longed to have done ever since I moved here in 2012 and found something like 266 keys mysteriously packed in the boxes I’d brought with me… (I wrote all about that in one of my earlier blog posts… long story)
 
But, between the sense of loss accompanying my sister’s visit because my inner-child-dreaming never materialised into reality, and due to heavy financial strain once more, with my car packing in (R900)… my fridge packing in (R1250)… town house insurance for extra structures - carport and shed (R130.50)… Municipality bill (R2400)… I have not been in the best place emotionally. 
 
Getting back to work has kept me too busy to fall into any kind of noticeable depression, so I’m grateful for that.  My littlest sister was there for me while I had no car and Shev has written such loving letters whilst traveling home and since, so I do feel their love, so that’s not the problem right now… but the whole visit thing did definitely leave me in a strange place.  
 
When Shev left us and things almost instantly went back to “normal”, everything started to feel quite surreal to me… like… had she really been or had I dreamed it all…
 
Two weeks of hectic family craziness and outings (noise) and then suddenly, THE DEAFENING SILENCE again!  Just back to my usual place of isolation… and my world that lives inside my computer… the pictures of my loved ones on the wall behind my computer, reminding me of some kind of connection to reality. 
 
On Monday morning, my littlest sister treated my beloved sister in law, Irene and I to a Mug & Bean brunch, to celebrate my sister in law’s birthday… that was a really special sister time for me… I was feeling the love and needed to have some time of linking to Shev’s visit, even though she was no longer here.  We felt her absence as there were four chairs at our table and one was empty.
 
Just before Shev left South Africa, there were violent protests in our area, where drug lords’ houses where burnt down and even some of our innocent church members houses and possessions were totally destroyed, because they happened to live in the same area.  We could see the smoke billowing up in the distance where all this happened, and due to a heavy police presence on the roads, many roads were blocked.  Even our local supermarket was targeted for protests… something about DisChem… no idea.  I never read the newspapers or watch the news, because I struggle enough in the world without deliberately exposing myself to all the other scary stuff.  I cannot stand outings where people discuss politics or religion… makes me sick… literally… I’ve already experienced/witnessed so much pain and destruction through both! 
 
A beautiful sermon for my heart
On the subject of religion, my second son visited sometime during the week, and he discussed with me some deeply religious philosophy he has developed.  It was such an incredibly inspirational time I spent with him, and I actually felt some healing from the damage that my therapist and other religious fanatics of the past have caused me.  As a result of those fanatics, today I suffer from religious trauma syndrome, which on its own has created a whole new area of suffering and struggle in me, because I live on a different level of religiousness to the rest of the world now… I expect far more religious unity and authenticity from this world… and not all this ugly, hypocritical finger pointing and division that exists, even in families!  AAARGH!  I wish I had have taped all that my son shared with me… it meant so much to me and really touched my heart.  He is a lot like my first-born son who, when he speaks true religion from a genuine heart, and not from the indoctrinating and teachings of this world, he also brings tears of hope and joy to my eyes.   
 
Early on Wednesday the 31st, I recorded about Tuesday 30th
I went to post a study pack at PostNet yesterday morning and suffered so much anxiety in the process... I felt that I was on High Alert the whole time for something scary to happen!  Looking over my shoulder and even trying to work out what I'd do and where I would hide if the scary thing happened. (Battling with intrusive thoughts... people running and screaming, etc.)
 
The PostNet is in the same center where the DisChem protest attack was supposed to happen the week before... just after the drug dealers were attacked so close to our area... so my mind hasn't settled yet... still feeling as though my own safety and my families’ and friends’ safety is threatened...
 
I'm so weird! I sometimes wonder how I can live with myself... and today (31st) I have to go to that PostNet again with another student’s study pack and I need to go to the bank... Really NOT looking forward to leaving the safety of my home... AGORAPHOBIA IS NO JOKES!
 
Later in the day I recorded:
What a morning... so... I go and post the student's study pack at PostNet... no problems there. I see there's a new Standard Bank branch at the same mall, so I go there to transfer the R6000 for the work computer into my son's account, only to be told that I look nothing like the fat faced photo on the copy of the ID they have on their screen and so I would need to go to Home Affairs to get proof that it is me... that my new ID, even though it has the same details as the one on their screen, also doesn't look like me, so they can't verify it is me! Can you imagine!!!!  I’ve lost so much weight that I am now supposedly unrecognisable!
 
When I told my family on our WhatsApp group they all thought it was quite funny!  I understood and that helped me not to hurt too much over what had happened.   
 
But what people find hard to understand, is that even leaving my home is stressful to me, so the negative bank incident triggered the disturbing memory of the time when I tried to open an account at Capitec Bank some time ago, and the woman processing my application told me some rubbish about my ID being stopped, because it was stolen so I could not proceed!  It didn't matter that I had it in my hand... it took over a year to get it sorted out at Home Affairs, going backwards and forwards regularly only to keep being let down before they finally gave me the new ID (with the new skinny-photo)!!!
 
What hurt me terribly with all that went on at Home Affairs, was that they refused to give me the new card that all the other SA citizens were getting, because I was born outside of the country.  I had been a Nationalised South African Citizen for around 30 years already, but now they were separating me from everyone else who was born in the country, even two of my children who were born in South Africa… it made no sense to me and made me feel so threatened and alone in this world once more.
 
I will NEVER go to Capitec again… also, because after that one visit and partial processing on their system, I was suddenly getting all sorts of Junk e-mail from them... and now this situation at the Standard Bank… it made me feel so uncomfortable… even threatened and in danger once more…
 
For me… the world is not a safe place to live in… I will never find real peace here…
 
The Standard Bank lady wouldn't tell me what copy of my ID they had on their system, but I managed to get a quick enough glance... came home and found it as well as old signed and stamped affidavits from the time to say that that copy was indeed my ID!
 
So, now I'm feeling quite unsettled, so I go to DisChem to buy myself a Caring Candies sugar free chocolate... just had to have one (old bad habit of needing to fill my tummy when I’m upset)... I give the lady R100 and she drastically short changes me! I tell her I gave her R100, she insists I only gave her R50... so I insist even more and she finally goes to some manager who has to check the videos for proof... she returns, apologies, gives me the right change and then I go home, gobbling down the chocolate and wishing I had six more!!!
 
By the time I left the shopping centre I was on the verge of tears and feeling quite messed up!
 
Thank goodness, my work is quiet at the moment... but I still have so much to do... this time-wasting and energy draining nonsense was just too much!  I was left filled with anxiety!
 
As the afternoon progressed my tummy began to ache… it ached so sore I was groaning and buckled over most of the time and needed to visit the bathroom a few times with an upset tummy… The same thing used to happen in my past after I had had panic attacks, so I knew that the mornings stressors had caused it.  I actually felt really ill all afternoon and very wiped-out!  Having my grandchildren for aftercare during the afternoon, helped me to keep it together… I was mostly able to hide my discomfort from them.
 
Thursday 1st February
On Thursday (yesterday), I went to the Standard bank with the old ID as well as my new one, and the affidavit to prove the old fat-faced ID was mine, and to sort out the Transfer from my work funds to my son’s account, because he had managed to find and order a computer on special at the right price for my office. I had absolutely no problem doing my banking and they even updated my ID while I was there…
 
BUT… it seems that nothing never goes smoothly in my life… while at the bank, the lights kept switching on and off… and that scared me… I wondered why… what was REALLY happening?  My already disturbed mine from recent events began cooking up some scary scenarios. 
 
When the lady took my ID to scan it, she took a long time… again… my mind went on a scary trip of its own… NOT MUCH TRUST IN THIS WORLD ANYMORE… what is she REALLY doing… why is it taking her so long…
 
I was supposed to go to Spec-Savers optometrists to book an urgent and long overdue appointment for my eyes, but totally forgot… I just wanted to get out of the place as quickly as possible once I’d sorted out all my banking stuff!  I always seem to put my own needs last to my detriment!  I should have had new glasses a long time ago already... really struggling with my sight! 
 
All afternoon I felt so ill… my tummy still messed up due to all the anxiety… pain in my upper right abdomen… I’ve been told it is IBS… must be if anxiety has brought it on again… I haven’t had that pain in quite a long time… and… I’m also so, SO tired all the time!
 
With a deep sense of insecurity troubling me at this time, I found myself ‘cooking for the nation’ again yesterday afternoon.  Like I can’t settle down to do anything else… I must cook… I must cook as much as I can… make sure we have enough for the month… stretch whatever I can… make it go as far as possible… freeze it all so it’s all ready when we need it… we must not starve…
 
For Andrew, I cooked up a small pack of boerewors with vegetables from my garden and freezer and a packet of Beef and onion soup… that should make at least 6 meals, some of which will be frozen along with a few others previously made in our freezer and some already frozen leftovers my little sister kindly gave me while Shev was visiting this side of the world.  For myself I semi-prepared a pile of high-fibre vegies that were going at a special price, to make what I call ‘roughage bombs’ that help my tummy to function better. 
 
If anyone needs more high fibre in their diet and don’t mind putting the laborious preparation and cooking work in, you can let me know and I will send my recipe. 
 
I literally exhausted myself with all the cooking and food preparation and trying to keep the kitchen clean at the same time.
 
Friday 2nd February
A very strange day… feeling very detached and tired still from the anxiety of late… lots of interruptions, so I couldn’t really get into my work and thankfully it was another reasonably quiet day at work.  My neighbour visited and my daughter, so those were pleasant distractions.  I also continued with the whole ‘cooking for the nation’ thing… washing all the high-roughage vegetables I’d semi-prepared the night before, one leaf at a time to get the mud off and then cooking them all… then packing into little packs so that one small roughage bomb could be included with my meals every two days or so. 
 
Keeping my faith
One thing I can say though, even with this nagging sense of insecurity in me, is that no matter how much I fear how little money we have left for this month… probably not enough to see us through to the middle of the month… WE HAVE NEVER STARVED… somehow the miracles always come and we get through, no matter what.  So, I just need to keep reminding myself that everything will indeed be alright.  I might not be able to buy myself another chocolate this month, but at least we won’t starve. 
 
Thank you for sharing…
 
~ Panayiota