“He can’t hurt you anymore” they say… YEAH RIGHT! (Part 1)

~ Written and posted: February 25, 2017 ~
 
What an emotional rollercoaster ride the last few weeks have been!  There’s so much I want to share, but I know I can’t (silenced once again), because my sharing is bound to upset someone if they read what I share and feel exposed or insulted by it, and I don’t want to make things even worse than they already are for myself and others I care about…
 
There are some of us who are already suffering enough without adding to it!  We are the ones who need more love and understanding at times like this, to help us cope and surface again… but from my experiences… this is when we usually receive even more judgement and rejection… especially from those we need most to be there for us!  Some things just never change!
 
But, there is stuff I will share, because this is my blog and I feel I need to share… I have very little of “where else to go” with my mess of emotions and I know that there are others out there who know what “this” horrible and extremely lonely state feels like! 
 
Like… who’s really listening and who can really hear?    
 
I once wrote:
 
NO ONE’S LISTENING!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
No one’s listening!  No one’s listening!
No one hears or understands!
No one’s listening!  No one’s listening!
No one cares; no reaching hands!
 
All alone I’m bound to travel
The vast reaches of this earth
What is the meaning of my life here?
What was the purpose of my birth?
 
Why is this battle so endless?
When will it ever stop?
Will I be judged as a success someday?
Or will I forever be judged as a flop?
 
Will no one see the real me?
Will no one know me true?
Will I forever roam this earth
Alone and judged by you?
 
When will someone believe in me,
Or understand my way?
I long for the love of true friendship,
To uplift me each new day.
 
But no one’s listening!  No one hears!
All alone I’m bound to be!
No reaching hands to show who cares,
Because no one’s listening to me!
(22 February 2003)
 
So, the “ex” had his memorial service on the 10th February as planned!  My middle two sons attended and my daughter and I decided not to.  We chose instead, to go and be with “the living”… namely, my son in hospital who was suffering from deep depression (and possibly suicidal thoughts), and my daughter in law and my grandchildren. 
 
My second son seemed angry at my daughter and I for not going to the memorial service… he could not understand why we would change our minds at the last minute.  This added greatly to my own struggling state of mind at the time when my soul was begging for “PEACE”, but I worked very hard at reasoning through my feelings… the added hurt and anger that was triggered in me as a result of my son’s disappointment in our choice to not attend.  
 
I was able to reason and work out that my children honestly do not remember the abuse that happened to them.  Not even my son in hospital remembers, and he experienced the worst of it all!  (I honestly believe that he ended up in hospital due to “subconscious emotional intrusions” of the horrors which were surfacing in his mind with a vengeance as the memorial service approached).
 
My second son had “stepped up to the plate” to help me, during the time I was moving house in 2012.  He took the responsibility upon himself to travel miles when needed to, to deal with my ex and the lawyer, with the house sale forms that had to be signed, etc., so that I didn’t have to do it.  I will be forever grateful to him for relieving me of having to deal with that burden at the time… it would have just been too much, as I was already struggling greatly with the move alone!  He has even taken it upon himself to deal with the ex’s estate and the people dealing with that… He truly is a blessing in my life.
 
So… in really working hard to see things from his perspective, I was able to, after some days of agonizing over it all, accept his attitude towards us not going with him to the memorial service, yet it still hurt me a lot that he could not accept our decision not to go, because he could not remember the abuse that is still haunting me so terribly…
 
How terribly alone I feel, because nobody seems to remember.
 
But I’m over that now… thankfully, because I love my children so much and it hurts more than I can bear at times, when we are not fully connected for one reason or another. 
 
Added to this, another family member who I need and love with all my heart, (who was not there for me at a time when we were living with the abuse), must have head that it would hurt me deeply if I knew that anyone (including people from the church I was attending at the time), who had not been there for us in the past, now attended the memorial service.  It truly haunted me that they would attend, because then I would have felt hurt again over what their motives were… giving our now dead abuser, love and support over our truths once again…………..  so now… that family member is keeping their distance and not speaking to me, which is only adding to my turmoil at this time, when I need their reassuring love and acceptance most… I had long ago forgiven them for what happened in the past… all I was asking now though, was that I didn’t have to experience it all over again in the present!  As it turns out, there was only a small handful of people at the memorial service and none were those who had rejected us in the past.
 
“He can’t hurt you anymore” they say… YEAH RIGHT! 
 
And so I withdraw even further… my own thoughts becoming more chaotic and burdened by the day… wanting to disappear… thinking up ways to do so… where I could go… what I could do… because I am just so uncomfortable in this world again… I seem to have lost my sense of belonging once more…
 
Can anyone hear?  Can anyone understand?
 
At the time, with my son in hospital and his little family hurting, so worried for him and the whole situation, I was not in a good place worrying for them all!  So many extremely painful thoughts were going through my mind, and the lead up to the memorial was causing me so much overwhelming anxiety that it was becoming unbearable for me… so much fear, hurt and anger from the past surfacing! 
 
I wrote to my mentor on the 7th February… confused about whether or not to attend the memorial service: (adapted)
 
…I need your wisdom please… My initial intentions for attending the memorial service of my ex with my children have been good… he died on the 25th January… they cremated him that side to save storage fees… so the memorial service is only on Friday (10th February)… I have had so many intrusive thoughts… lots of fear and depression surfacing even anger… very little sleep… My work is keeping me going (it gives my life meaning and a reason to go on)… Not sure if I am doing the right thing… I know that my daughter has not wanted anything to do with him… she was very afraid of him also… she suffered a lot with never having a father to love her… not even one she could honour… but she’s coming with us to the memorial service… WHY?… does she feel she has to… or is she also feeling that maybe it will bring closure?  My oldest son has been admitted to hospital today with deep depression… he has been in denial for so long… can’t face the truth of the extent of the abuse that was inflicted on him… but I believe he is in the hospital tonight, because of the memorial service on Friday… I believe that he, like me is having a surge of deep-set, (dark) emotions surfacing from his past… he will blame it on other events though, because he honestly doesn’t seem to remember the truth… My inner-child (Patty) personality has been very much on the surface all week… depression set in since yesterday… I’ve been fighting it… I know it’s connected to trapped anger… The anger seems worse since news of my son in hospital… anger at my ex, and those who never supported us during those times, but also deep anger at myself for not leaving the man before we were all hurt so much… before my son was so damaged… The fact that I can’t speak to my son or any of my children about what happened, because they evade any discussion around it… deny it… etc… makes me feel a greater sense of loss… guilt… dismay… being blamed for it all, etc. I feel so angry!  I want to go and be with my son… but he will probably just do what he always does… push me away if I get too serious or bring up the subject of abuse… Dancing on ice… Is there any wisdom you could impart please… My colleague, Dana was there for me this morning, and another dear colleague a few days before gave me a much-needed listening ear… I don’t like to drag anyone into my misery spells for too long… just one answer… just some wisdom please… am I doing the right thing… will going to the memorial service help or will it make things worse… I’m quite sure that none of us want anyone coming to us and saying, “We’re sorry for your loss”… I’m sure that will make my daughter as crazy as it will make me!  I’m having ridiculous intrusive thoughts… maybe someone will hate us because of things the ex may have told them… maybe they will start a scene or shoot me!  Raw fear!!!  I wanted to do the “right thing” by going with my children… but now I’m not so sure it’s right anymore… is it right for my daughter?  Is it right for me?  Will I start to cry when I’m there…  I’m already crying… and NOT because I’m missing that man one bit… but for all the pain he caused us that is surfacing again mingled with this awful trapped anger… I know that my middle two sons will cope… especially my younger… he’s so switched off with this kind of thing…  PLEASE HELP me to cope somehow… to make sense of all this chaos of emotion… to know what’s the right thing to do… I’m so sorry to add to your load dearest (mentor), but I feel pretty crazy with it all in my head right now… I need to get it out!!! 
 
She responded: 
My immediate response is:  DO NOT GO.  It lends sanction to what was horribly wrong.  The forgiveness one has towards someone who has repented and is making every effort at restitution is VASTLY DIFFERENT from letting an abuser go without hatred or resentment.  Anger you may feel, yes, such an anger is totally righteous!  And when you allow yourself to feel it, when your children can feel it, this will bring closure!  It will clearly state that wrong was wrong and no two ways about it!
 
Your "forgiveness" to an unrepentant and evil wrongdoer is to rid yourself of lingering ties to this person.  You leave them to God's judgement which is always without deception, any lingering darkness and, therefore, always ABSOLUTELY FAIR.  Your job is to heal yourself and your children and that you cannot do if this man is "taken into your lives" with a vain show of so called forgiveness and closure.  THERE IS NO CLOSURE TO ABUSE AND UTTER EVIL, ONLY AN UTTER SEPARATION.  "Come out from among them!  Touch not the unclean thing!"... Hashem instructs us in Isaiah 52.  
 
My work with Holocaust survivors brought this kind of “unforgiveness” home to me.  “What was done to us is BEYOND forgiveness”; “the bastards are finished, we survived!”  There is a very clear line between good and evil, what is forgivable and what is not.  Those struggling with the waywardness of fear and depression, insecurity and hurt are vastly different from those who, with deliberate and evil intent, derive pleasure in hurting and humiliating others.
 
I hope my previous deliberations have not given you a wrong idea.  I struggle with these issues myself.  But my gut feeling right here and right now is a NO to your honoring your ex by going to his funeral.  His life was a tragedy.  Why celebrate it like we do when we have lost a loved one?  Your tears should be for you and your children, not for him.
 
We will talk more about this but PLEASE DO NOT GO.  Take your daughter out for a nice meal or a treat and go and spend a loving time with your son and family at the hospital!
 
~~~
 
And so, I made the choice not to go, and I was grateful for my daughter’s loving company and support on the day… to be able to visit my first son and family instead, to show them during “their” time of need, that we are there for them and that we love them very much. 
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~ Pana