I AM HAPPY!!! ~ I wish the abusers would STOP!

~ Posted: 7 January 2016 ~
 
It was such a lovely day today and a quiet one in the office... so I don't feel bad about having taking the day off... I had so much fun with three of my grandchildren and my two nephews... we swam together, blew bubbles, played games and just had such a great day... and I started a new tradition... we had a “Happy Non-Birthday Party” for all the birthdays that where had during the year where I couldn't afford to buy lovely gifts for them or spoil them as much as I would have liked to... so I put a few treats together while my nephew, Alec baked the most delicious brownies, and we set everything out on the table and sang... "Happy non-birthday to you........" It was so funny and cool and the kids loved it! I'm sure they think I'm crazy... hahahaaahaa!!!
 
I got so many hugs and so much love again and my emotional batteries are thoroughly recharged!

But man... I'm exhausted... hahahaaa!!!  I’m going to sleep like a log tonight!

I thought about how much time my nephew Alec has been spending with me lately... showing me his video’s and stuff on his cell phone... laughing with me... and treating me like one of his special friends... he's 15 years old now... and I thought about how much I cherish these moments in time with him and wondered, if there might come a time when he's too old to hang out with his old aunty anymore... I sure hope not!
 
I hate that whenever I am so deeply touched by allowing love so close to my heart, that the hurt from the past allows me to go to the sad places in my emotional banks, where loss might occur again... like, today was so beautiful that I already imagine LOSS... all my life the good was always ended up being overtaken by the bad... like I could never hold onto the good that came into my life for very long... the monsters and ugliness of life always came to take it away over and again...
 
There are tears rolling down my cheeks right now... I ponder on their origin... Today was too beautiful... my emotions don’t know how to handle that... They become so confused... all in a muddle...
 
I let "Patty" out to play with the children today... and now, Patty’s many past losses have come back to haunt her in the moment... trying to convince me that I can never allow happiness to stay... I can never allow myself to get too close to anyone... that everyone who loves me will stop loving me eventually... that’s how it’s always been, so I’ve come to expect it to stay that way... nothing ever seems to change...
 
I feel angry also... so angry at my abusers who caused me this lifetime of emotional turmoil... if only they knew what they have done and continue to do, and the struggle they have caused... I wish they would STOP!
 
I’m so tired tonight after a most beautiful, beautiful day!  I cannot let “THEM” ruin the goodness and joy for me once again!  I am entitled to be happy... I AM HAPPY and it’s OK to be happy damn it!
 
~ Pana