A DISSAPOINTING CHRISTMAS IN JULY! ~ Triggers deep unhappiness

​My youngest son and I went to “Christmas in July” at the Botanical gardens last night... SUCH A HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT!  
 
For a brief moment in time, I tapped into my Patty dimension again... feeling excited about the promise of snow, father Christmas, beautiful lights, Christmas music, etc.  (Patty has such a magical imagination and excited-joy connected to it!)
 
But all there was, was darkness... some Christmas lights along the path, but not enough to take away the eerie darkness.  There was a boring, skinny father Christmas whose suit was too big, so he was pulling up his pants all the time... a clown as his sidekick... Patty’s scared of clowns since her childhood (another story).  And there was a small snow thingy that blew bubbles of foam all over us... people standing in line to get under it, because it was so small... WHY?
 
Nothing at all like the wonderful advert that attracted us to go there in the first place!
 
A few tiny food stalls included... like the flea market stalls... one stall with two weed plants for decoration and selling weed products! So it's not that I've got anything against medicinal weed... I believe if used correctly, it's magic... hahahaa! I said...if used correctly... but please... weed advertised at a CHRISTMAS event... somehow that just doesn't fit with my idea of a Christmas where parents were bringing their little children to.
 
There was so much darkness on the path we walked, which served only to remind me of the darkness of my last Christmas when so much was going wrong in my life and my family dynamics (both my logo-family and my own family)... it was the darkness of last Christmas that succeeded to banish Patty away into her “safe place” of darkness and solitude inside, and I’ve not been able to find her ever since then.  There were not enough lights last night to bring her back... she could not enjoy the few that were there... I felt her fear of the darkness that surrounded us...
 
My two most recent poems were:
 
Bound and Unfree
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I think I’ve lost Patty
She’s gone away
The part of me that could FEEL
And begged me to play
But too many disappointments
Too much pain
Too much lost love
So she’s gone again
Where has she gone to
I do not know
She brought so much sadness
But also her youthful glow
I’m lost without her
I’m empty inside
A thick fog of hurt
Covers the place where she hides
She may as well be dead there
Wherever “there” be
Staring blankly into the fog
Bound and unfree
 
~ Panayiota
(24 June 19)
 
Patty’s Hurting
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I’m hurting today – (Patty’s hurting)
I’m hurting for all the people that Patty loved and lost
The people that sit in my memory like haunting ghosts
I wish I could make them all go away
To stop the pain
To end this day
But Patty just can’t stop loving them
So the suffering goes on…
and on, and on, and on
Because without their love in return
Patty’s still lost and so alone somewhere.
 
~ Panayiota Ryall
(11 July 2019)
 
My experience of Christmas in July last night managed to trigger my deepest struggle and disturbed me so much that I got less than 5 hours sleep last night and an almost completely wasted day due to overwhelming tiredness.  I managed two hours sleep during the morning, but I still feel as though I’m wondering lost somewhere, trying to see through the darkness.
 
 
Oh… I can just hear "them" now as they read what I’ve written about “darkness”... I can just hear them going on about how their satan must have possessed me...
 
(This is the haunting that remains after what my therapist did!  We both were in Christian churches dammit… I did not judge hers, but she hated mine and I was “the devil’s child” for belonging to it… for not giving into her relentless demands of changing to hers!)
 
Patty can't exist with rejection and without LOVE, because it was believing in love and being loved that kept Patty going through her difficult childhood. 
 
It makes me so sad to see how people glorify their satan and give it so much space, instead of JUST LOVING UNCONDITIONALLY... There is so much POWER and HEALING in LOVE... yet they prefer to give all that power to their satan and it becomes their everyday talk.
 
I never want Christmas again... it's been broken in me... the magic is gone!  Patty’s gone!
 
Patty may as well be dead!  She’s sick and tired of being treated as if she’s “satan’s child!!!”  My therapist did that to me… I was her “satan’s child” and her relentless, fanatical pushing still goes on and on in this horrible judging world where people are so busy with believing in their satan that they’ve forgotten how to believe in OUR Father in Heaven’s LOVE.
 
LOVE IS MY RELIGION!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
When you’re looking for satan in people,  
Then satan YOU will find
For YOUR very thoughts will create him there
And the ones YOU accuse YOU will bind
 
When you’re looking for LOVE in people
Then HEAVEN will come to earth
For your very thoughts will create GOODNESS
And a beautiful HEALING rebirth.
 
I’M LOOKING FOR THE LOVE IN YOU
PLEASE STOP LOOKING FOR A SATAN IN ME
 
~ Panayiota
(26 July 2019)
 
Gratefully, my oldest son came to supper the night before last to celebrate his 40th birthday with me and we enjoyed each other’s company so much… My daughter visited today which was wonderful… My middle son hugged me tight when he came to pick up my three grandchildren, and I got to speak to my other three grandchildren over the phone when I called to wish their mommy happy birthday this afternoon… and my youngest son has just arrived home from work.  Then to add a really special touch, my mentor and her dear husband sent their love via WhatsApp… So, my day has ended being reminded and knowing that I am loved and has given me the wonderful opportunity to feel and give of my love also.  My love needs an outlet so that I can thrive.
​
My Green balloon (blog post: 21/4/2019) is surprisingly still holding fast… the message I feel is for me to hold fast also, in hope and faith and in LOVE… my true and unconditional LOVE… to never, ever give up on TRUE LOVE, or my BELIEFS, or my DREAMS.

I’m tired and off to sleep.  Goodnight beautiful world.
​
~ Panayiota.