Accepting and Nurturing the self ~ especially a broken inner-self

I found this poem the other day.  I often forget the things I have written (especially as I’ve written well over 1000 poems since I was 12 years of age), so it’s good to be reminded sometimes.  I’d written this one in 2003… (15 years ago).  I wrote it for my mother and only in 2006, did I begin my therapy journey where I learned that it was necessary to nurture my own inner child… so today, I realise that this poem is for all adult survivors of child abuse that are struggling in a similar way to how my own mother and I struggled.  Mother was an adult survivor of severe child abuse also.
 
I’m just going to talk a bit about the meaning of the poem as I see it, but perhaps you will also see something to discuss about it and add, so I do encourage feedback if you have time please.
 
1st verse ~ The line, “And named her after me” stands out for me and I’m glad that I highlighted it in the original poem, because that makes more sense to me now.
 
I believed that my mother hated me for my weaknesses, because they merrowed her own weak and her troubled inner-child who she perhaps had not learned about yet… or could not accept.  She was unable to face her own struggles, so blamed the world and me for the turmoil she was experiencing.  She was always on the attack… her way of protecting herself… “I’ll get you, before you can get me!” … was the inner-motto I believe that she lived by… even subconsciously.
 
I think I mentioned before that as opposed to my mother’s way of handling her turmoil, my inner-motto is more on the lines of, “I’ll leave you, before you can leave me!” … although, I think this one also belonged to my mother… first she’d go into “attack and destroy” mode, and then she’d RUN!  Always on the move… never resting from her struggles… whereas, I prefer to run, before the destroying happens… the minute I feel it coming… I run… especially where I feel myself (my psyche) being further destroyed by the actions of others.  When I realise I’m not coping and that my reaction to their actions is seriously overwhelming me… that’s when it’s time to remove myself from the situation… completely!
 
I can’t tell you how relieved I feel since separating myself from various areas where I was feeling the tension was too overwhelming for me to bear… I’d rather be stuck at home entirely alone… a homebound-hermit, than in a crowd where I don’t feel comfortable, welcome, or happy… where I don’t feel totally accepted, loved and belonging.
 
But on deeply pondering recent events, it highlighted for me just how easily I can let EVERYONE GO, when just one has upset me enough to put me into that place of “not trusting in anyone or anything” anymore. 
 
If I stop to think logically about the situation that I am creating for myself… all by myself, I realise how illogical it is!
 
Just yesterday, this person or that was somebody who I totally trusted… I felt their love and acceptance, so how could I allow the breakdown of one person’s trust to have so much affect on so many of my other relationships… I need to stop that destructive and soul-destroying “psychological movement” that is able to take me so far off course… it is based on lies from my past and twisted perceptions… I cannot allow it to happen… I must stop myself from running from “ALL”, when it is only “ONE” I felt I needed to run from in the first place! 
 
So, I STOP!  I THINK!  Just yesterday, this person or that one loved me… I felt their love… I believed it was real… has anything changed between them and I for me to be trying to run from them also?  
 
NO!  Nothing has changed between us… only my perceptions and sense of trust has been damaged again and that has nothing to do with them at all… that’s my weakness, not theirs… (The self-destructive power of the damaged mind).
 
Don’t let the past beat you anymore Patty-Patricia-Panayiota… Don’t allow anymore beatings!  Don’t allow any more LOSS!
 
Okay… so I’ve got this… I understand it now… I need to stand firm to nurture my “good” relationships as opposed to running away from them also… I need to believe that they still care just like they did yesterday… they are not cross with me (mommy was cross with me many years ago… not my good friends today)… they still love me the very same today as they did yesterday… they still accept me… they still want me in their lives… I’M OK… YOU’RE OK…
 
So, even if a part of me is struggling to believe it… I must… MUST continue to nurture those “good” relationships and to keep them close… I NEED THEM! 
 
It’s the hardest thing to go against what the negative psyche is demanding… DANGER!  RUN!  NOBODY LOVES YOU!  YOU’LL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING! etc. … I can’t explain what it feels like… I have to keep telling myself… IT’S OKAY… THEY DO LOVE YOU STILL… YOU’RE NOT BAD… THEY NEED YOU TOO… IT’S OKAY… IT’S OKAY… IT’S OKAY…
 
So, I send a friendly WhatsApp message, because I realise that’s what I need to do… it’s hard… but it’s healing, especially when they respond, just the same way they did yesterday… nothing has changed… except my perception… my self-talk… I’ve been allowing myself to hear the voices from my past again…
 
Will those voices ever cease?  How dare they continue to unsettle me so powerfully… I must keep on taking my power back… I must never give in to “them”… I must NEVER give up on the battle of my life! 
 
That just made me think of another poem I once wrote… sorry… it’s a longish one… (I posted it on my blog before on the 2nd September 2015, if you want to go see what I wrote about it then… I have updated it today, as I do all my works as I gradually grow stronger and with more understanding, emotional maturity, etc.)
 
THE BATTLE OF MY LIFE
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The battle of my life was a bitter one indeed,
A fight to overcome abuse on the battlefield of need!
All alone I fought the evils of my past,
Every haunting enemy, until I’d killed the last!
But somehow I couldn’t beat them, for the enemy was large,
They advanced on me so often with their mighty battle charge!
The ghosts of the past I called them, with their cruel and nasty ways,
The abusers of the innocent would haunt my future days!
So often I would beat them, but always they’d return,
Just to mock and tease and cause my soul to burn!
But some mighty force within me would put out each blazing fire,
As I grew a little stronger and climbed a little higher.
It was the battlefield of memories and the battlefield of guilt,
Where I fought the strongest enemies in the place that we had built.
It was very rare indeed for a friend to join me there,
In the battle of my life, most couldn’t understand the fear.
Some would take up arms and join me, but only for a day,
For the battle was too difficult and very few would stay.
Some would stand quite out of reach and hear my desperate shout,
Then throw my words right back at me, in a twisted, teasing clout!
They’re the ones, who claimed my friendship, but never really cared,
The pain they caused was devastating, much more than I had feared!
My battle then was lonely, and never seemed to end,
I had to learn the hard way, there’s only ‘One’ whose aid will send.
When I fell upon my knees before the enemy so strong,
And looked toward the Heavens, begging to heal the wrong,
My God looked down upon me with mercy in His Eyes,
And helped me win my battle to the enemies’ surprise!
For He would send true friendship, His Love I can’t deny,
To give the strength I needed to stare the enemy in the eye.
For these rare friends stood their ground and fought right there by my side,
A force so strong and mighty, on which I trusted and relied.
They sustained and helped me through the trials that seemed the worst,
My trusting, loyal friends who helped defeat “the curse”.
Understanding, loving friends were the best gifts that I had,
On my battlefield of life, where I fought my past of bad.
With them I could defeat the beast that caused the war,
And leave that awful battlefield, victorious and sure.

(11th August 99)

A long weekend starts tomorrow for us here in South Africa.  I have one more blog post to catch up on all I felt t share with my readers… hopefully this week, and then I need to get some more self-editing work done on my book!  I must make the absolute most of my quiet time at work right now.
 
Thank you for sharing with me. 
 
~ Panayiota