After my Anne’s funeral ~ Still in Utah

​My beautiful niece Brie, and her sweet little dog, Lucy.
 
The day after My Anne’s funeral, on Saturday, 2nd March, my sister’s brother in law, David, invited us all to the Olive Garden restaurant… Anne’s favourite place to go and eat.  Her mother was Italian, so she must have felt very connected to this restaurant, just as I had always felt very “connected-belonging” when going to Greek restaurants or spending time with my Greek family.  Anne had taken us to the Olive Garden restaurant in 2013 when my other far away sister, Shev (Sharon) and I visited, so it was very special to have the opportunity to go there again while I was visiting this time.  The food was delicious and company were lovey.  Three of Anne’s sons and two daughters in laws, and a whole lot of grandchildren included.  We had a very enjoyable time and the service and food there was great and very generous, just as I remembered it from our visit before.  I recommend it to anyone visiting Utah.  A big thanks to David for that wonderful time out with him and our family… that will always be a good memory for me.  

​Take note of the dregs of beautiful snow still lying around from a previous snowfall.  Besides that, the sky was mostly blue and the weather comfortably crisp and lovely for a few days after I arrived.
 
Whilst at my niece, Brie’s house in Utah, I enjoyed getting to know her and my two adult nephew’s, John and Rich, a whole lot better, as well as Brie and Rich’s four children, (my great-niece and three great-nephews).  I spent a lot of time with my great-niece, sewing with her.  She made me a little felt heart that I love. I use it now that I’m home on my computer chair, tucked behind my lower back and it’s helping a lot with the stiffness I get in that area quite a bit these days… I imagine, from sitting for long hours each day.  

​The older of the great nephews, I also loved getting to know, especially as I remember how much my sister loved him from the moment he was born… she used to write a lot about him and his gentle loving nature, and all that he got up to, and she also wrote a lot about her other older grandson’s whom she sadly, as far as I know, had not had a chance to see for a while when she passed away.  My other two little great-nephews were very sweet and won my heart…
 
As much as I absolutely LOVE small children, I’m not very good with wining, or crying children, because it does trigger real fear and anxiety in me from my childhood (long story… and I worked hard to make sure my own children never had reason to wine or cry, or even argue or fight… for the sake of my own sanity… which I now believe, was probably not ideal for their own emotional growth)… but thankfully, I did have an escape at Brie’s house when I needed it… to my sister’s room where I stayed while I was there, so it wasn’t too difficult for me. 
 
I loved being in my sister’s room during my stay.  I felt warm and comfortable there… I felt safe and hugged in her water bed.  I don’t think I’ll ever want a water bed though… it’s not easy to get in and out of at all!
 
I can’t explain, but I actually miss all the children… I really got to love them a whole lot, and probably more so, because I knew how much my sister loved them, especially the older two who I got to know more easily than the little ones.  By the last night there, the third child, (a little boy who was referred to as “The Lone Ranger” by his family, because he seemed to enjoy his own company a lot), jumped off of his chair into my arms for the first time when Brie told him I’d be leaving the next day… so just as I had really gotten close to him at last, I was gone the next day… I gained a particularly soft spot for him also and the littlest one who had a smile that could melt anybody’s heart. 
 
And Lucy… their little dog… I wish I could have taken her home.  I loved that little dog and she loved me too… such a sweet little girl who loved being loved.
 
On Sunday 3rd February, Brie and Rich took us to their church and that was also a lovely experience.  In front of us in the congregation were two disabled boys belonging to two different families.  One of these boys shouted out uncontrollably and very loud every now and then, whilst the other struggled with uncontrollable movements at times… I believe and KNEW that I was in the company of great spirits… not here in this world for their own progression, but rather to test and help us with our own progression.  I felt a great love for them both and their families.
 
The chapel in the picture below, was the one where my Anne’s funeral service was held.  Just look how beautiful is this chapel with the snow-speckled mountains in the background.  I’d love to live in such a beautiful place.

After church, I was picked up by a very dear friend of mine who used to live in South Africa. 
 
Cheryl and I became best of friends over a difficult time in my life where I needed someone as gentle, kind and understanding as she is.  She was training to be a homeopath at the time, and I was suffering greatly with the consequences of my obesity and living with extreme stress overload back then.  I weighed 127.7 kg’s (281.5 lbs).  I was enormous… had high blood pressure, water retention, migraines, boils and abscesses (undiagnosed diabetes and undiagnosed acute gout attacks and was often disabled by agonizing pain with swelling in one area of my body or another).  I had many more negative health issues, including heart palpitations and breathing struggles, sleep apnea, etc.… I was a very sick woman, both physically and mentally.  Around then was also the time that the transference and countertransference happened in therapy and I was totally broken by it all.  I had started to self-injure, and to say I was a basket case in my late 40’s, was an understatement.  I was also dealing with our big house move which of itself, was and extremely overwhelming and highly traumatic experience for me.
 
I believe I was literally dying, but having lost trust in all the world, I refused to go to doctors!  Part of me just didn’t care anymore.  I was only staying alive for the sake of my children, but even they had been leaving home and moving on with their lives and the empty nest syndrome had also debilitated me greatly on an emotional level… I had always been petrified of doctors anyway, and not being on a medical aid, there was no ways I was going to make a habit of going to government hospitals anymore, “…unless I am dragged there on my deathbed and unconscious”, I used to say.  So, there was no hope of really dealing with all that had gone wrong, health wise.  Up until then, another dear friend’s mother who worked at a clinic, kindly supplied me with the medications I needed… but there were never any blood tests, etc. to prove what I needed. I just used my nursing skills along with hers to guess what I would need, and it all seemed to work well enough to keep me going.  Neither of us had picked up on diabetes or gout though… (she never saw me often enough to know exactly what I was going through), so those conditions continued to bring down and destroy my health, functioning and happiness, without the correct treatment. 
 
Cheryl came along just when I needed her most.  She was already a good friend who I’d known for some time.  We shared an interest in gardening and I shared a lot of my garden plants with her… I even did a painting of one of her roses once which she says she still has.

Cheryl needed clients to work on during her studies, so she asked if I would be one of her clients and because I trusted her friendship so much already, and was really suffering, especially with the painful abscesses and acute gout attacks, I agreed.  Cheryl was amazing.  She remembers that I wouldn’t let her do any physical examinations on me for some time (which were all an important part of her training requirement needs), because of my fears of allowing anyone to get too close.  I cannot even let someone manicure my nails or do a facial on me, so that’s a problem I’ve always struggled with as a result of child abuse, but it had become much more exaggerated due to the abuse of my two husbands that I was now divorced from, and it had become even worse after all that had gone so horribly wrong during my therapy which had devastated my trust in the world, including my religious worldview, and I even lost trust in my own being.
 
Cheryl seemed to have a sixth sense about how to work with me.  She was so gentle and so compassionate and patient.  I’m sure that my fearful behaviour must have hindered her progress for her studies, but she did not allow that to phase her at all… she saw me as her patient and treated me according to my needs, and not her own… she put me first, which I believe is a great sign of a true healer, even on the very level of the soul.  Cheryl was able to help me immensely, even lancing huge abscesses for the first time, and making sure that I was properly medicated.  I experienced a lot of healing during my time in her care, both physically and mentally… I was truly blessed… Life had made sure that I was to get through the worst, and once again, I knew that I was not alone in this world… and I was reminded, that my life surely has a purpose and that I had to live for whatever purpose that I was created to BE and DO.
 
Anyway, I was further blessed during my time in Utah, to have spent that lovely afternoon with Cheryl and her dear husband Cecil.  First, we relaxed together in their lovely home, our feet up on comfortable chairs and we chatted and caught up on our lives a little… then lunch and more relaxing.  After that, they took me for a ride up to the Spanish Fork Canyon, to a place called Diamond Fork. 
 
Traveling through the Utah National Forest, we were all surprised to see a moose standing on the side of the road, and some other sightseeing photographers pointed us in the right direction to see a cougar that we had missed… it was sitting in a tree a little distance away from the edge of the road.  We also saw plenty deer on both sides of the road.  They were beautiful, contrasted against the snow.

I can’t even explain how excited I was to see all these lovely animals in their natural habitat, but even Cheryl and her husband were very excited, because they had never seen a moos or cougar there before.  Once again, I wondered if my sister had organized this lovely surprise for us all from the other side of the veil where she is now, because she wanted me to really enjoy my short time there and to give me some great memories and distractions to help me through her passing.  That would be so typical of her… she would do everything in her power to make sure that I’d get through the time of her passing as comfortably and pain-free as possible… she was that loving, thoughtful and kind.
 
On the way back to the car, after looking at the cougar in the tree, I slipped on ice, landing on my tuffet in a thick cushion of snow.  It was a very soft landing, so all was good… and what a good laugh we had.  Cheryl, a short woman, came to help me up… the more we laughed, the harder it was for both of us.  That was so funny!  I was amazed that my dress was not wet when I got up… Snow is actually dry, until it has reason to melt!  A new discovery for me!
 
The Utah National Forest area is so beautiful… we were driving through a mountain pass, and the mountains were covered in snow.  There was a little winding stream in a valley to our right as we drove up the mountain, and it was truly so beautiful to see it cutting through the snow.  I wished I’d taken a photo of it, but I was too distracted by the beauty we were driving in, and somehow forgot.
 
The sun was setting fast, and it was dark by the time we were leaving there… Cecil took a wrong turn and we ended up in a very dark and remote area where we had to turn the car around… I suddenly felt a deep fear, because where I live in South Africa, that could have proved to be a very dangerous place.  Cheryl and her husband had to remind me that we were not in South Africa anymore, and that it was perfectly safe where we were, in Utah. 
 
(It must be surreal to live in a place like that, with so little to fear.  I noticed how during my stay in Utah, I was guarding my bag on my trolley when we were shopping and asking my niece to watch it when I left it on the trolley to go try on the clothing that she was buying for me.  She must have thought it was quite strange for me to worry so much about my bag, just as I felt it was quite strange to not have to worry about such things while I was there on the other side of the world.)
 
Cheryl and Cecil took me to look at their beautiful Payson City Temple where they told me they were sealed, and that too was something beautiful to see.  Their temple was lit up against the night sky, with lights reflecting on the snow below.  It was a very windy night and the wind freezing cold.

The Payson City Temple
 
When they dropped me off back at Rich and Brie’s house, I was sad to say goodbye to them… my dear friends, but at least I had enjoyed the blessing of seeing Cheryl again and meeting her lovely husband for the first time.  I felt so happy for her to have discovered such love in a good man, and also to be living in such a beautiful place.
 
Monday, 4th February, Brie took me to buy some under garments which I was sorely in need of, and then took me to Walmart, where I decided to spend a small amount of the money I’d taken with, on some odds and ends.  Brie bought me two lovely black skirts and a well-fitting bra… Oh my goodness me… there’s nothing like a good bra when one has lost tons of weight as I have, it’s like night and day… hahaha!  I am so grateful to her, for her beautiful heart and for spoiling me so much.  After that, she drove up to higher ground to see some million $ houses… shew… those were something else! 
 
On Tuesday, 5th February, Brie and I spent a lovely quiet day together, and I helped her a bit with some catching up on her housework.  While we were busy, we realised that there was sleet falling outside… a sure sign of snow on the way… I was so excited!
 
Well, Utah didn’t just get snow… I got to witness one of the biggest snowfalls in Utah, in the last 12 years.  Up till then on my stay, there had been a little melting snow on the ground here and there when I arrived, but lovely sunny skies and not so cold at all.  But, by the day after the sleet started to fall, everything was beautifully snow covered and the snow just kept falling.  In some places it was as much as a foot deep, and on the mountains I believe, there were falls as much as 5 foot deep!  That’s just unfathomable to me. 
 
Brie commented that she thought that Anne had organized the big snowfall also for my stay, because she would know how much I would love that… and I sure did love it very much. 
 
My family back in South Africa double dared me to make a snow angel, one even triple dared me… they really didn’t need to at all… I was absolutely delighted to have the opportunity at last, even at the age of 62 years, it was so much fun!  Another childhood wish come true for me!

​Brie and Rich took me and their children bowling before we left.  That was fun… I don’t think my aim was too good, but I still did a few good shots that I could be proud of… Brie on the other hand was an absolute bowling pro in comparison… haha!  Go Brie!  It was lovely to spend that time with them, just having fun together as a family.  My Anne must have been smiling down on us all.

They also took me to see the Timpanogos temple near their home.  The huge and beautiful mountain behind their house with the same name… Mt Timpanogos.  It was so cold and snowing when we got out of the car to take pictures that they were literally done on the run, so I’m glad the photos turned out so well.

​Before I left, we went to take one last pass by my dear Anne’s gravesite.  There was nothing much to see, but the snow covering the whole graveyard, and Anne’s beautiful flowers poking through the snow.  I thought how fitting it was to see just the lovely white flowers poking out through the white snow, as my last memory of the place where she was buried.  It was so beautiful to me. 

​On Thursday 7th February, Brie drove me to the airport in Salt Lake City where I left Utah and my lovely family and friends there, to come home.  Because I was booked for “passenger assist”, they would have pushed me in a wheelchair to where I needed to be.  Brie blessed me with Anne’s wheelchair as a gift.  It is a beautiful, and more comfortable one than the one I had for the times I suffered acute gout attacks (luckily none since 2017)… my dear Greek mom’s old wheelchair.  I will continue to use that one to help me transport all my mountains of stuff up and down the long corridors at Unisa when I attend workshops, unless I find someone who has a greater need for it in the meantime… it has been very helpful for the workshops.
 
Our last hug
For some reason, better known to my heart, I want to finish off this post, with this photo…
 
My sister Anne and I hugging at the airport on my last visit to Utah in 2013.  I think I want to use it now, to somehow connect our last real sisterly hug, with the HUG I experienced during my stay in Utah this time… in 2019… almost as if I felt her hug once more while I was there now. 
 
Although tears rise when I look at this picture, it is also a comfort to me, with my little sister, Shev there too, looking on lovingly… she was also always THERE with me, and for me during the hardest times of our lives as children living through abuse, and she is still HERE in my life today, even though she too lives on the other side of the world… We still have e-mail and WhatsApp, and I still have her LOVE… she has also never given up on me and I’m able to tell her often how much I LOVE her too, and for that, I am so very, very grateful.

Good bye for now my  beloved Anne… until we meet again ♥
 

​Thank you for sharing with me
 
~  Panayiota