DESPERATELY NEEDING TO FIND ANSWERS!

6 July 2020
I am so distant today… this happens far too often and is really hard to negotiate when there’s important work to be done!  Struggling to stay on the surface and stay connected to my work.  I have so much work to do.  Everything feels totally overwhelming… I seriously want to run away right now, but my strong sense of responsibility toward my work and others won’t allow me to.
 
I’m not going to be able to connect again until I’ve unloaded this current anxiety.  It’s too much for me to just hold in.  Writing is the only way I can make sense of anything much that goes on in this mixed-up head of mine.
 
Something shook the fiber of my being recently to my very core.  I have not been the same since then and I’m struggling to find myself again.
 
I decided to take a certain “intelligence” test… just to see how I’m doing… imagining that I’d do okay… BUT I DIDN’T!  Scoring just over 60%... ONLY!  I was devastated… in some ways, I felt destroyed by the reality of it.  While I worked on the questions, I could feel the disconnection in my brain… fumbling for answers… over thinking… feeling anxious and really stupid…
 
But I’ve suspected for a long time, that there’s MORE to my struggles!
 
When I was a child, I was in special remedial learning classes… WHY?  One theory was that I needed glasses… so I was given glasses… it made no difference.  My theory all these years, was because, my mother and others always told how stupid and useless I was, and I believed them.  For most of my life I resigned myself to that adopted theory, as if it was the absolute truth of who I was… a NOTHING!
 
I remember sitting at the dining room table many times after school, with either my mother or stepfather assisting me with my homework… I remember them shouting at me for not being able to recite my timetables.  I remember being told to put out my hands to be beaten on the palms of my hands or my knuckles with a ruler for not having the answers they were expecting from me.  And if I upset “them” enough with my stupidity, I’d get a proper hiding and be sent away in pain and disgrace… totally rejected for being so uselessly-STUPID! 
 
My memory problem that has come with me throughout my life is truly TERRIBLE!!!!  It is seriously NO JOKES!  Part of me believes, that I’d learned to block the abuse out so well to protect my mental integrity, that in the end, I seemed to block so much more out… even harmless memories that I should have been able to keep.  Under the slightest pressure, if asked a question when I’m not feeling socially comfortable, or I’ve just arrived at a venue and haven’t had time to relax and feel safe yet, I cannot even remember simple things like my own grandchildren’s names. 
 
Ask me how old my children are or when they were born… NO IDEA!  I remember only the birth-dates of my first two boys… 1979 and 1981… but the other two, I have to keep asking them.  It’s the same with my grandchildren.  Out of six of them, I can only remember the one birth-date, because she was born at the same time my third son was having two thirds of his one lung removed due to having developed destructive pneumonia!!!  I was so sure he would die in the operating room, where he was for two hours longer than they said he would be, while at the exact same time, I waited for news of my granddaughters’ birth… She was the only grandchild whose birth I could not attend… such a bitter-sweet moment in time for me.  That was 13 August 2010…
 
WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME! 
 
My memory struggle has been a curse for as long as I can remember!
 
Just the other day, I was feeling unhappy, because I know that with my struggle, I could never be a real student trainer for instance.  The minute someone asks me a question, or I think that they might be expecting something from me, I become completely disconnected from my brain… it truly feels like an instant disconnection to my intelligence…
 
WAS IT EVER THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE? 
 
I have no answers… I feel so stupid… mother’s useless idiot child… OVER AND OVER AGAIN!
 
I did a Zoom student training session presentation recently on, “Logotherapy Dream Interpretation (LDI), based on nighttime dreams”. It was my first time doing a presentation on Zoom.  I believe that the students found it interesting, but watching the video over afterwards, and seeing how nervous I was… my body language… what I was doing with my hands and mouth… it was so obvious!  As I shared with the students that day, my mouth became so dry, I had to keep sipping water and was swallowing nervously continuously… I even joked that I felt as though I was being interrogated… but it’s no joke! 
 
I HATE THAT I AM LIKE THAT!  WHY CAN’T I FEEL SMARTER… WHY CAN’T I BE SMARTER!!! 
 
They want me to do another Zoom presentation soon on “LDI of the daydream worlds of child-abuse victims/survivors.”  Will I do any better then?  Obviously, I’m going to try.  At least Dr Kanda will be there again, so I won’t have to answer questions!  Thank goodness!  I wouldn’t even agree to do the presentation if I didn’t have the                 question-answering backup person there with me.
 
Yesterday (5th July) was another Zoom supervision session with the students.  The facilitator mentioned me right at the beginning of the session… expecting me to contribute… I could feel my brain disconnecting immediately… as if I was being rapidly pulled away from them all by invisible ropes… going backwards into the far distance… back into that nasty place of my childhood past… that horrible and debilitating place of being mother’s dithering idiot child again.  I could not contribute because my mind had embarrassed me once again, so I switched off my video and sound, so that they couldn’t see or hear me… CRYING!  I listened to how well the students responded to questions… I knew that I could never do that… I just DON’T HAVE IT!  I felt as though I’d let everyone down… I was angry with myself for not being able to do what everyone else seems to do so effortlessly and with such courage!
 
SOMETHING IS MISSING AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN!  I HAVE TO FACE THE FACTS OF WHO I AM!!!
 
So, my real dilemma now is that I’m really wondering if I have maybe always had a learning disability. 
 
How fine is the line between the lifelong debilitating effects of child abuse on the abused person’s mind and the diagnosis of learning disabilities? 
 
My youngest son has been diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, and a friend once told me that many of the things I post about myself sound very much like what she has struggled with all of her life as a person with Asperger’s syndrome. 
 
Then also… how fine is the line between the giving of so many labels… such as Asperger’s syndrome, bi polar disorder, etc. and the REAL and long-lasting effects that child abuse has on the growing mind.
 
I KNOW what child abuse has done to me… but at the same time, what is the possibility of a learning disability that could be adding to my struggles. 
 
HOW CAN I FIND OUT? 
 
I will NOT go to some psychiatrist, etc. and just let them suck a labeling diagnosis out of their thumb for me… NO!!!  That is not going to happen.  If I am to be diagnosed with a learning disability, I want it to be unquestionably proved… blood tests… DNA… whatever? 
 
IS THIS POSSIBLE?  CAN ANYONE OUT THERE ADVISE ME PLEASE?  SOMEONE WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT THROUGH MUCH REAL-LIFE STUDY!  CAN ANYBODY HELP ME PLEASE? 
 
I would probably need a sponsor so that whatever visits to whoever and whatever tests needing to be done, can be done.  Obviously, I’d first see what my “lowest-rate” medical aid would be prepared to cover, but I may need more financial assistance to help me to be tested properly… transport to get there… wherever… etc.
 
I wish that I could get someone like Dr Nadine Burke Harris to see me.  I believe she would know exactly what to do to help me find out the true source of my many struggles… most especially, my memory problem.  I’d TRUST her… but how do I find her to help me.  I’ve been reading her book, “The Deepest Well” … it is so good and her work is very meaningful to me.
 
I did advertise on Facebook as to how an adult could be tested for learning disabilities, but only one friend responded with what is available on her side of the world. 
 
I WANT TO KNOW… I NEED TO KNOW… please help me! 
 
I have not been able to think straight for days… tears come and go for so many reasons.  Somehow, I feel like I just want to give up… like this whole lock-down thing and the sense of hopelessness I’m experiencing is taking its toll on me. 
 
Will I ever finish my book?  I’ve gotten so busy again… too busy… it seems as though there is no chance.  And because I’m so forgetful, I can’t just continue with my book where I left off each time… I will have to start reading it again right from the beginning, just to connect with it again in order to edit the remaining 50 pages of it that I didn’t manage to get to in time.
 
It’s just too much… life feels like it’s just too much right now.  I’m missing my family and friends.  Every now and then someone lets me know they love me.  My church leader called for a friendly chat on Sunday, so that was special.  My daughter, some church friends, some family, my middle son and his family, and so on, have called, sent messages, or popped past occasionally bearing gifts of provisions, surprises, spiritual upliftment and LOVE… my oldest son shows his love by being there through messaging and whenever I need technical help with my computer.  And and today (6th July) my sister and dad drove past my house and hooted and let me know it was them just hooting a “hello” to me.  It might seem like a small thing really, but to me, it was sooooo very special… really warmed my heart so much to think they did that for me… they thought of me today. 
 
Everyone is so close… yet so far away.  I feel very isolated… much more than ever before.  Much more than the isolation that I had always imposed on myself anyway… so every little bit of love that passes my way is such a TRUE GIFT that kind-of breaks the deathly silence of my isolation and stops the inner-screaming that gets very loud at times and feels very desperate. 
 
My sense of responsibility to all whom I love, my work and my unwritten book, is what keeps me alive in this world… that keeps me hoping in a better tomorrow. 
 
My LOVE will not let me go, because I believe I have a purpose in this world and that I have not completed it yet… and so, I have no option, but to continue to HOPE in a better tomorrow.  I realise that I have to keep calm against the self-destructive power of my own mind.  I will NOT let my past continue to destroy me. 
 
So-what if I cannot remember things or answer questions like other people?  So-what if that’s my big weakness that keeps me from being like everyone else?  Do I have to be like others?  Is it okay to be just ME?  I have achieved so much in my life by sheer grit and determination… through my indomitable will to find my healing and to reach my full potential in the service and for the love of others… and also because I refused to ever give up regardless of all that I feel still threatens me and all of the losses that have left my heart... mostly sad…
 
I STILL HAVE SO MUCH TO BE GRATEFUL FOR AND – I AM – I truly am!
 
Thank you for sharing with me today.  Please “Like” if you read this or any other of my posts.  It makes me feel good to know that someone is taking the time pop in to spend some time with me.  Thank you for the rare few stalwarts that seem to always stand by me on this journey.  I see your likes (at least three) on every one of my posts and I KNOW you are there… even though I don’t know who you are.  Thank YOU so very much for taking the time to show your presence and care!  So long as those three likes are always there, I will feel the love and will continue to share… any extras are always such a welcome blessing also that warms my heart… grateful thanks to YOU also.
 
~ Panayiota