Facebook memories ~ Reminders

I’m grateful for Facebook memories!  They are good reminders of where I’ve been and how far I’ve come.
 
I wrote on Facebook on the 1st of June, 2012 at 06h36
You all know that I LOVE going to my Logotherapy plenary session at Unisa once a month... I haven't missed a day it in the 4 years I've been studying there!!! Well... I was doing last minute preparations for the next session on Wednesday when I got a call to say another old church friend of mine was in a bad way and needed a bath and could I do that for her... so I dropped everything and went to help with that, only to find her in a really bad way and on her way out (soon to cross over the Veil)... I could not leave her in her hour of need, (one of my church mom's) so stayed all night to give her TLC... she passed away just before 10am on Thursday... so I missed my plenary session, but was rewarded instead by the wonderful privilege of assisting my dear old friend on her journey home. There could be no more spiritually beautiful experience (other than the birth of a baby). It was a very special time for me.
 
This reminder, took me back to the morning my old friend, Verna, passed away; she had been in a lot of pain during the night with no more circulation reaching her very swollen, grossly discolored legs and feet.  She called out for me over and over during her restless moments and I did all I could to comfort her and reassure her that I was there and wouldn’t leave her, I even sang church hymns to her… as a result, I had very little sleep that night.  But the next morning, some church sisters arrived to help me give our friend a bath.  We washed and dressed her, but literally as we put on the last garment, she began to take her last breath.  I remember being next to her and holding her head in the crook of my arm.  She was a feisty old woman, so I felt she wouldn’t mind a little humour in that moment, especially as the moment was shared with other sisters, and some young women who looked really horrified when I told them that she was on her way (about to die).  I said to the old lady, “That’s great, you wait until we get you all washed and dressed so beautifully, and then you decide to go”.  I remember a few smiling faces around the room when I said that, and I think it somewhat helped to ease the burden of that moment in time.  It turned out to be a very sacred experience shared with the other loving and caring woman, and I will never forget it.  My old friend passed away whilst I still cradled her head in my arms.
 
June 1, 2012 at 7:49 AM ·
Then I get home from seeing my dear old friend off to Heaven yesterday, and all I wanted to do was to bath... and guess what... copper wire cable theft right here on the corner next to our house, so we had no electricity for hours and hours... lukewarm bath only!
 
June 1, 2012 at 7:56 AM
Then... just to really make the day interesting... my ex-husband calls yesterday to say he's going on Pension with immediate effect and will shortly not be able to assist us financially anymore... (instant dire straits for us), because Andrew will not be able to earn much more than R2000 a month, and if he does, he will lose his disability grant and I would still have to find him a job. And... I am not ready to go to work yet! But you know what... I surprised myself by being very compassionate to my ex and thanked him for all he had done so far. My Father in Heaven has not let me down yet... I know that whatever changes are ahead for us, we will still be blessed one way or another. All I need is to keep trust and faith…
 
In May 2012, I had been on the most incredible and life-changing holiday to Israel.  A holiday that my top supervisor and greatest mentor, Teria Shantall, had invited me on, on merit of my Logotherapy Advanced course studies at the end of 2011.  She was there at Unisa that incredible day in 2011, when I did my first ever presentation in front of a group… (my Advanced course examination presentation).  I was petrified that day, I don’t even know how I managed to see that presentation through, but I had prepared well, and with the support of my supervision team and fellow students, I DID IT!  And as I finished, everyone stood up clapping and cheering at me… it was one of those moments that seemed totally surreal… almost an out-of-body experience… as if I was dreaming it.  And then I heard Teria’s voice… “This is going to Israel!” And that was that… May 2012, I ended up having the most amazing holiday ever… in Israel with Teria and new friends who I met there, and I even presented to two groups there. 

For my website, I use the picture I took from a mountaintop that I stood on in Israel, showing a vast dry valley leading into the Dead Sea because while I stood looking at that dry barren scene from the top of that mountain that day, I literally visualised that one day, there would be loads of water flowing through that valley, filling up the Dead Sea and bringing NEW LIFE to so many people, animals, plants and all as a result... I felt it was symbolic of my own life of healing and coming more to my TRUE self and life as it was always meant to be for me.
 
But only two weeks after I’d arrived home from that incredible holiday in Israel experience, I received the devastating news that my ex was no longer going to pay maintenance.  From that moment on, my life turned upside down… financially, we were broken, my mental integrity, shattered… I had to move home by the end of the year… find somewhere else to live… possibly lose my three lovely dog-friends in the process.  I had to deal with mountains of STUFF that had been hoarded in my home over the years!  It was a nightmare… and impossible task that had to be done!  If it wasn’t for my daughter’s friend, a young Indian girl named, Saiesha, who came regularly to help my youngest son and I to sort through the STUFF!  I don’t think I could ever have survived that move.  My other children did what they could to help also, but they were no longer living nearby, so it was a little harder for them to be there for me.  And church friends helped too on the odd occasion. 
 
I suffered so much stress that year, that I developed type 2 diabetes… IT WAS A HARD-HARD YEAR!  But also, one with such incredible happenings and times… and one filled with moments of love and caring and goodness…
 
On the 5 July 2012, my niece, Andrea, celebrated her 21st birthday.  It was at her party that for the first time, my lifelong dream of dancing with my Dad came true.  I honestly thought I’d missed that golden opportunity, but it happened… a pivotal moment in my life… the memory of it, also helped to pull me through some of the worst times during the 2nd half of 2012.   
 
Here are two poems I wrote toward the end of that year, expressing the excruciating state-of-mind I was battling with as part of the grieving processes I was going through as the time came closer to moving away from all that I’d known for 30 years of my life.  I was really struggling greatly to get through that house move and all the sadness, loss, threat of loss, lonesomeness and uncertainty it involved! 
 
SADNESS!
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Sadness wants to be who I am whether I like it or not
Surely this was not meant to be my eternal lot
It will not leave me – it will not let go
It is what it is – it is just so
All through the years sadness has chosen to stay
With its hunched back stance and it’s destroying way
There sadness just sits inside of me
Staring downward forlornly at a wet muddy sea
And the tears from my soul keep spilling down
And the lines on my face have engraved a sad frown
And I’m dying you know… a bit more each day
Because sadness won’t let me live and it won’t let me play
 
How dare sadness have such a hold on my heart
How dare sadness choose to tear me apart
How dare sadness rule who I am all my life
Twisting my soul causing nothing but strife
How dare grief overshadow my days and my nights
What about ‘my’ feelings? What about ‘my’ rights
But sadness cares nothing for who I should be
It just won’t let go its strangling grip on me
And so I am tortured each and every sad day
Where I am so lost I can’t find my way
 
Sadness has trapped me too long in its miserable dark world
Where no one can see I’m so sorely embattled
I must not allow its destructive treachery
I must rise against “it” to reclaim “life’s victory!”
And if I die before I succeed, please say to the world this of me
“She did all she could to be free
She never gave up her healing quest
She always worked hard to become her best”
She succeeded in bringing healing to the sad world out there
With all of her loving and all of her care.
 
~ Panayiota
(28 August 2012 – Please help me dear Father in Heaven… I so want to be happy)
 
HOW?
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How do I rid myself of the anger and pain
To rise from this turmoil that teeters on insane
How will I make it through the chaos and fears
That have tortured me daily all through the years
 
How do I risk continuing on this journey of life
When death won’t stop knocking and causing me strife
How do I stop the endless tears
That flow like the river of “Nobody Cares”
 
How do I learn to love who I am
Without more devastation caused by my guilt and shame
How can I forget what “they” did to me
How will I ever, ever be free
 
I have to believe that there must be a way
And just keep moving forward to face each new day
For someday a Miracle will switch on “the light”
Banishing the darkness of this endless, tormenting night.
 
~ Panayiota
(7th September 2012)
 
I sometimes wonder why I am tested with so many contrasts and ups and downs, but, whatever happens, I have learned that it is the contrasts that help me to REALLY THINK… TO WEIGH UP MY LIFE… to make better CHOICES… to learn to discern the differences between WRONG and RIGHT…  GOOD and BAD… TRUE and FALSE, and how to GROW and HEAL… taking on more and more RESPONSIBILITY and exercising my INTEGRITY in the process!  I want to get LIFE right!  I will NOT stop trying to do so. 
 
It seems as though I always have to FIGHT my way through the tough times, to reach the other side… many of those times are DO OR DIE situations… and somehow, I always, ALWAYS choose LIFE!  I believe that I am here for a purpose, and that gives my life the will to meaning that I need to keep moving forward. I also KNOW that I'm not alone in this world... Heaven is still with me and so often lets me know in one way or another.
 
I look at how far I’ve come since 2012… WOW!  And there must be more… I will not give up my quest for more healing and more growth until my last breath is taken in this world… NEVER!
 
Thank you for sharing with me.
 
~ Panayiota