​FLOATING INSIDE MY HEAD!

Dealing with my youngest son being very ill recently, loads of worries, threats of loss, extreme financial strain for a good few months now and an upset recently has kind of left me in a bad space this week that I’m struggling to emerge from.  I have such an important job to do today and I just can’t seem to connect… 
 
Part of me just wants to give up, because going on seems far-far-far too hard, while another part of me has transcended so much already that surely, I can still keep moving forward regardless of the constantly teetering circumstances of my life. 
 
What makes this really hard, is not being sure where forward leads to anymore.  Like this brick wall that I’m staring at behind my computer… if it didn’t have the pictures of my family and reminders of what’s important to me stuck all over it, it would just be a cold, hard brick wall. 
 
I feel like I’m facing a brick wall in my life right now… disconnected… drifting… lost again.
 
I realise all too clearly once again, that no matter how I try to express my deeper emotions or frustrations, etc. I will always be judged for having them in the first place and daring to express them.  My sharing always ends up being the ammunition for attacks against my self.  That it is me who will always come off second best and have to take the flack for whatever.  Like my truths do not exist… are not important and it is better for me to just shut up and let my world crumble to hell around me.
 
What difference does it make anyway… nothing changes so what’s the use!
 
Unless you have experienced DID (dissociative identity disorder), how could I expect you to understand.  But I would hope that there would be enough heart and spirit to at least have some ability to read between the lines of my life and the cries of my soul.
 
Everything I say and do is a result of genuine LOVE and the treat of that Love being taken from me…
 
It never ends… it’s always the same results… LOSS.
 
There’s nowhere real enough in this world to turn for solace… never was really... reminds me of a song that I once heard.  I searched on the internet this morning and found a rendition of it that I rather like, so I will share with some adapted lyrics…
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwY2EpAgW-M
 
Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger or sadness
I draw myself apart searching my soul
 
Where, when my aching grows
Where, when I languish
Where, in my need to know
Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand? He only one.
 
He answers privately, reaches my reaching. 
In my Gethsemane, He is my friend.
Gentle the peace He finds for my beseeching
Constant He is and kind,
Love without end.
 
What got me to write this today is how ridiculously detached I have been.  When I had finished watering the garden early this morning, I went to go bath.  But, what on earth happened to the clean change of clothes I had put out earlier?  I remembered going to get them and getting them ready?  I usually hang them over the wash basket to put on after I’ve bathed, but they weren’t there… I searched the house and even looked inside the wash basket… but they weren’t there on top of the other clothes as I would have expected if they fell in.  Totally bewildered I went to get some more out of the cupboard… poured the bath… which for some reason, I was sure I poured before I went to water the garden, but it was empty. 
 
Only when I was in the bath, did I start to catch glimpses of my early morning reality.  I had already bathed earlier (about an hour before)… which explains the missing clean clothes.  
 
I have that important job to do today, I cannot afford to be detached and floating around in my head today.  I must reconnect and get the job done. 
 
Maybe, sharing this and believing that someone out there will identify and understand what this feels like and how it happens will help me to feel less alone right now, so that I will be able to make some work progress as the day goes on. 

It's very quiet at work at this time of the year... that could be a major part of the problem.  There's still a whole lot to do, but there's less calls and connection... the days drag on too long and too quiet... what is most meaningful to me and most needed for me to feel alive inside... a somebody... is the connections...

This takes me back to what I posted in February:

“The Opposite of Addiction is Connection”… written by Jonathan Davis.

“How Our Ability to Connect is Impaired by Trauma
Trauma is well-known to cause interruption to healthy neural wiring, in both the developing and mature brain. A deeper issue here is that people who have suffered trauma, particularly children, can be left with an underlying sense that the world is no longer safe, or that people can no longer be trusted. This erosion (or complete destruction) of a sense of trust, that our family, community and society will keep us safe, results in isolation” https://upliftconnect.com/opposite-addiction-connection/

I cannot believe it’s midday already… where on earth did the morning go… I'm still so scattered and bewildered... time escapes me… but not giving up!  It might take hours, but that job will get done today one way or another!
 
Thank you for sharing with me today.
 
~ Panayiota

Later...  I did get the job done!  So relieved ♥