I love you Patricia!

​Since that fateful Zoom meeting mentioned in the last post, "INTENSITY!" the damage that was done to one of my most pivotal relationships seems irreparable to me right now.  The anguished-lament of my soul… hours and hours of silent-torture.  I desperately want to make it right, but know that anything I try to say cannot be heard, because it is Patricia’s long-silenced voice that is still trapped.  When she tries to speak, like I allowed her to in the last posts, she only makes things so much worse.  Who can understand her presence… who can be aware of her… she was totally invisible when she was an adolescent child suffering the most terrible of abuses… all her sorrys whilst blaming herself for her hell then, fell on deaf ears…  those who should have been able to hear her, could not even see her… just like back then, her sorrys won’t help her now either, but she’s desperate to FIX things and make it all come right again… only to realise every time she reacts, that it’s already too late… (it’s always too late once her damage is done)… this is the most searing agony of all… how I wish I could share the picture I drew of her in therapy here, so that someone might understand… but who can… I think Teria would… and maybe Dr Nadine Burke Harris… maybe Dana, but the worst is, that I know that Patricia is better-off staying quiet and trapped in that awful wall of her sufferings… she doesn’t want to live anymore… she can’t take anymore… she wants to go now… but I won’t let her, because I still have too many responsibilities… I still have a book to finish… I still have too many people I would not want to do “that” too… I love and/or, respect them too much… Patricia doesn’t care about any of that or them… maybe Teria… maybe Dana… they’ve met her in her outbursts, and they still care about her… when others meet her, they are disgusted at her outbursts and immediately reject her… she doesn’t care what they would think if she let go… she wants to let go…
 
But I care about Patricia… Living, is the only way I can show her how much I love her… that she is not forgotten… she is not invisible to me… I can hear her… I can see her…
 
“I truly do LOVE you Patricia… please stay… somehow, we will find your healing… somehow, we will make it right... you won’t be forgotten when we eventually die… I’ve requested white balloons to be released for you and Patty at our graveside on the day we are buried so that you will be remembered when we say goodbye to this world and when we are finally able to come back together on that wonderful day on the “Other Side” of the veil.  Please be strong, because it’s agonizing and so hard to keep going when you’re not being strong.  You might be invisible to the whole world, but you are NOT invisible to me… I care about how you feel… I understand your outbursts… I understand your deeply-tumultuous emotions, but please try to understand for me and Patty, please, how hard it is to bear them.”

Our Beautiful Song
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I live in three worlds that clash and divide
With chasms and rock falls on every side
Where storms come and go leaving chaos and mud
And absolute devastation in each suffocating flood
 
A frightened little girl weeps in a broken heap
Holding her knees as she tries to sleep
The weight of her tears presses her down
And all the while, she fears she might drown
 
An angry adolescent lashes out at each threat
Bent on defeating the troubles she’s met
And all the while a screaming wind blows
Painfully returning all that she throws
 
An adult is left confused and alone
Wondering if she’ll ever find her way home
And no one can reach her, or find their way in
They can’t understand where the others have been
 
And so, the war rages, inside and out
Leaving her wondering what life’s all about
But deep down she knows that no matter how bad
No matter how hard, and no matter how sad
 
She does have a purpose and has to go on
For her life has been blessed by a beautiful song
She hears the tune faintly, but its meaning is clear
Her spirit is awakened in just knowing it’s there
 
She believes that one day her music will play loud
With chorusing angels atop every cloud.
So, she’ll never give up... she’ll never give in
There’s coming a day when she will hear her voice sing.
 
While the little girl will remember how to laugh and play
And the adolescent will find peace at last on that day.
And all three will embrace united as one,
Joining together in their beautiful song.
 
~ Panayiota
(14 October 2014)