LOCKDOWN DIARY ~ DAYS 2&3

March 28
LOCKDOWN DAY 2 ~ Just so busy all day long. I feel that most of my BUSY is my inner fight against (fear, emotional pain and worry) dissociation, just to stay connected to something tangible during this difficult time. I'm mostly doing just fine (when I'm busy), but if I'm quiet for too long, my mind goes into painful thoughts of others suffering through this lockdown period, and tears well in my heart and eyes and my heart aches... The only way to stop it is to KEEP BUSY!
 
Fear and worry over:
Thoughts of old people, locked up alone in their houses, and more painful even than that is families on lockdown in tiny shacks… no space to move… no real luxuries… it’s as if I can visualize myself sitting among those people… suffocating in those tiny spaces… how do they cook when they can hardly even move… how do they eat… what about the intense heat or cold on the surface of their corrugated homes… maybe no TV… no contact with the outside world… no radio or  money to keep it up-and-running with new batteries…​

​And horrors of all horrors for me to imagine… What about people and children especially TRAPPED inside their homes with their abuser/s with no way out… abusers who are becoming increasingly bored or frustrated and needing to find ways to release their frustrations, or to please and gratify themselves…
 
AAARRRGH!!!!!   I’M ACHING TERRIBLY FOR THEM ALL WHO ARE SUFFERING MORE AS A RESULT OF THIS LOCKDOWN… Oh my word… my thoughts will kill me before the virus ever will.  It’s taking every ounce of my energy to stay in control of my own mind.  I MUST FIND A WAY TO BLOCK MY THOUGHTS… They are nightmares much bigger than I am able to withstand!!!!
 
We ran out of fresh bread for my youngest son, so I baked three loaves... two sweet loaves and one savoury onion loaf... sliced and packed them in the freezer. I do have frozen bread still for toast though, so still doing okay as far as that goes. But, I just felt like I was running, cooking, washing, answering WhatsApps and e-mails and keeping up with some of my admin work all day long without rest and that left me exhausted.
 
I did an interesting Logotherapy Dream Interpretation for a friend and I'm waiting to hear from her what she thought of it. If it is a good one, then I hope she will allow me to share it with the world. I'm always so grateful when people allow me to share... anonymously or otherwise so that hopefully others can learn how to do it for themselves and find healing and guidance in so doing.
 
If anyone loves music my friend Dani sent me this interesting Video which I really enjoyed!
https://www.google.com/search?q=your+brain+on+music+alan+harvey&rlz=1C1EJFA_enZA794ZA795&oq=your+brain+on+music&aqs=chrome.4.69i57j46j0l6.7662j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8
 
March 29 
LOCKDOWN DAY 3 ~ Another day dedicated to trying to keep the house clean and everything under control for the sake of our sanity, and answering hundreds of WhatsApp messages.  I realise that people are bored and suddenly, we are thinking more about each other than ourselves.  On one level, I find the frequent WhatsApp messages that interrupt my work and that force me out of my dissociation so often, are quite frustrating to deal with… but on another level, which I try hard to cherish, I realise that people are thinking about me in their own lonely moments, and others are just thinking about me because they care… and that love exists… I’m not alone… and when I really think about it in this way… I’m grateful for the interruptions, because none of us are supposed to be alone right now… we need to be there for each other in every possible way… even from a distance! 
 
More worrying thoughts that I need to fight away for the sake of my own survival through this time.
The thought came to me… that everyone might eventually know someone who contracted or died from the coronavirus.  And my  biggest fear, is that during this time of many people becoming ill at the same time, there might not be enough hospital  beds… what would having medical aid mean then… those who become ill could be herded into makeshift hospitals… not enough nurses or doctors… not enough medical supplies… not enough ventilators… so what would be the hope of survival then… and even worse still… how would one’s family know how they are doing.  They won’t be able to visit.  They might not even know that a family member died, until they report the person missing, and even then, maybe nobody would even be able to tell them what happened, because they were dealing with “so  many”… in the end… it might become, “so  many nameless sick and dying people”… and “so  many bodies”… etc.  AAARGH!  I cannot allow my mind to think in this way… intrusive thoughts just keep coming… I keep stopping them, but they just keep finding their way back again… I MUST STAY BUSY! 
 
I MUST TURN MY THOUGHTS TO THE GOOD AND POSITIVE AND HOPE AND BEAUTY THAT THIS DREADFUL SITUATION WILL DEFINITELY PROVIDE ALSO!  I must remember what I’ve already come to know… that God is always in control, and that when one thinks it’s a curse happening, it is actually a blessing in disguise.  We may not see the blessings now, but maybe one day in hindsight, we will KNOW for sure.
 
I was delighted today by a beautiful church family (dear friends), sending me photos of what they were up to and a leader of our church calling to see if I needed anything and to send love... that meant so much to me as I feel so separated and this is a feeling I am in general, very used to in this world... even if I in general, create separation for myself anyway, as a form of self-protection from more possible hurts...
 
A most beautiful home-based church service
A week ago, the Sunday before Lockdown (22nd March), my son and family invited us to have Sacrament at their home, because we can't go to church... (no hugs... keeping our distance from each other even while we were there) but still, it was one of the most beautifully spiritual experience I've had in years. They did it so well (perfectly) and I was so proud of them all for how amazingly they conducted our home-based service that day.
 
On lockdown, I am more aware now, of how very alone I am on Sundays.  I would LOVE to be married at a time like this, to someone as special as my son and daughter in law are, who love and guide their family so very well. I'm going to miss church and my church friends over this lockdown time… not even able to visit my son’s family for sacrament… so it was wonderful to receive such loving messages from some of my friends and church family today <3
 
Thank goodness for telephones, WhatsApp and Facebook.
 
Thank you for sharing my lockdown diary with me.
 
~ Panayiota.