My muddled up mind & my wonderful Facebook friends ~ You raise me up

~ Written: 26 March 2016 ~
 
Yesterday evening I posted on my Facebook page:
 
“I struggled with really bad doom and gloom depression all day long... It was the longest, loneliest day!!!  Late afternoon, I prayed to my God to please send me some reassurance and love... my sister arrived about half an hour later... she hasn't made a special visit in a long time... my prayers are always answered... and I've been happy ever since. The depression just vanished!”
 
It truly amazes me how quickly my depression can “just vanish” so quickly once my inner-child’s most urgent need is met. 
 
Every now and then, something throws me into my most struggling inner-child state – a kind of flashback emotional state returns from somewhere far back in the darkest and most buried memories of my past.  Usually deep feeling of being rejected and unloved sets it off.  A sense of abject isolation from the world... The “Chicken Licken” feeling (I sometimes call it), rises up in me... a doom and gloom kind of feeling... “The sky is going to fall down on me” and I’ll be buried under the weight of it forever and nobody will ever be able to find me here... and no one will even be looking for me.  A sense of being non-existent... totally invisible... AGAIN!  Just like I must have often felt as a child.
 
A special friend responded to my post on my Facebook wall by writing:
 
“Awww....I love the beautiful way your prayer was answered, but dislike, immensely, that you were so sad today!”  (she inserted a crying face)
 
I have chosen to respond more fully here in my blog:
“...You will get used to me having my ups and downs quite often and in fact, I hide a lot of the downers from my friends (you'll know when I’m struggling with a downer when I get really quiet on my wall or on my blog for a time... but I might also be extra busy at work at such times)...”
 
The downers seem to happen a lot more than the ups and especially lately. I usually only mention the downs as above, if I can follow up with a positive meaning or sharing message immediately, or when I’m in a more desperate emotional state and need to feel connected to “something and someone” immediately.  Often “the connection” with someone who I believe really cares, is all it takes to wrest the anguish from my soul again and make me feel more at peace.
 
I managed to overcome and transcend so much of my past since I started my study of Logotherapy in my 50’s, but sometimes I feel that I'm losing the battle of what my therapist did to me with her fanatical religious pushing, because it's hurt my religious worldview and relationships so much and continues to play out and be reinforced over and over again through other religious fanatics in my life still today who prove that they cannot love or accept me unless I do things “their way” and on “their terms”... some even on my friends list here on Facebook, who have withdrawn and rejected me, because I don’t fit in with their way of believing or behaving in the church.   It's a constant battle going on in my heart and mind which is soul destroying and hurts me more during spiritual times on the Christian calendar like this weekend. 
 
It is so important to include here, that I would NOT want to take revenge on my therapist, because I am constantly reminded of all the good she did do to help me on my healing journey before she had her, (what I believe was a breakdown) due to an exponential overnight increase in her work/study/stress load.  If I were to try to get revenge on her, then I would no longer be worthy of the good that was done and the healing that did come during the early stages of my therapy with her. 
 
I hope that there is a lesson in this for others out there, because I’ve proved it in other situations, that, always leaning on the side of “gratitude for what was good, beautiful, right and true”, (instead of focusing solely on the things that went wrong and the things that were bad), will ultimately bring more goodness, blessings and healing than any form of revenge ever could. 
 
But... I am still hurting deeply over what happened.  I am still suffering as a result of it and I have never had anyone to talk to about it, and so it is still eating at me like a cancer and still affecting my life and relationship in so many ways... it is gradually destroying me and it seems totally outside of my control, because I’m not winning this time. 
 
“Only LOVE can lift this curse”... only love can lift ANY curse for that matter.  I believe that there is great power in “True Love”.
 
I have learned, that Christian’s kill their own wounded and my trust has been totally devastated by this cruel life lesson that has been revealed to me through the most painful of experiences and not just through my experience with my therapist.
 
Where is the love? Where is the love?
 
But I still have my Father in Heaven on my side and of that I have no doubt... His Love is with me always and He shows me in so many ways each and every day, and that’s why I say, I believe in daily miracles.  I am not alone and He will see me through every sad and lonely time or painful episode.  This I trust without fail.
 
He gave me such wonderful friends on my FACEBOOK page... my refuge from the storms.  I try hard not to bring them all down with my regular downers, but it’s so healing to know I do have rare and beautiful friends who seem to really understand and care and who I can turn to when the need is greatest... people I believe I can trust.
 
I love having my Facebook friends all right here with me in my computer "bubble-world".  I don’t expect anyone of them to be caught up in my unhappiness and that’s why I generally withdraw when I feel I’ve got nothing to give back to them but my misery.  The reassurance of their loving presence is enough to raise me up each time I am down, so I can once again stand on mountains...
 
~ Pana
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJxrX42WcjQ